WEBVTT - The Unspoken Rules of Black Family Loans | MiniPod

0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:03.400
<v Speaker 1>Native Blame Pod is a production of iHeartRadio in partnership

0:00:03.440 --> 0:00:05.359
<v Speaker 1>with Reason Choice Media.

0:00:05.440 --> 0:00:11.119
<v Speaker 2>Welcome Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome home, y'all, we

0:00:11.240 --> 0:00:14.040
<v Speaker 2>are here with this league mini pod, and I know

0:00:14.280 --> 0:00:16.680
<v Speaker 2>you all are going to find as relatable because Andrew

0:00:16.760 --> 0:00:22.239
<v Speaker 2>had the great idea to talk about money, specifically loaning

0:00:22.280 --> 0:00:25.520
<v Speaker 2>money to family and friends. And when you start making

0:00:25.680 --> 0:00:29.000
<v Speaker 2>money and you become the person like JJ want to

0:00:29.040 --> 0:00:32.159
<v Speaker 2>go to prom the loan, make that money for his tugs,

0:00:32.280 --> 0:00:34.360
<v Speaker 2>and Renee want to go to the Dans and she

0:00:34.440 --> 0:00:36.640
<v Speaker 2>needs money for her dress and all those things. We

0:00:36.720 --> 0:00:40.400
<v Speaker 2>certainly have been through that collectively. So Andrew, what made

0:00:40.400 --> 0:00:41.199
<v Speaker 2>you want to talk about this?

0:00:41.720 --> 0:00:41.920
<v Speaker 3>No?

0:00:42.000 --> 0:00:44.320
<v Speaker 1>I you know, I came across this clip and I

0:00:44.360 --> 0:00:47.760
<v Speaker 1>thought it was like quite something to hear a very

0:00:47.960 --> 0:00:53.920
<v Speaker 1>very very very rich woman share this problem that a

0:00:53.960 --> 0:00:57.360
<v Speaker 1>lot of us common folks also encounter. And I just

0:00:58.160 --> 0:01:02.840
<v Speaker 1>I just wanted to see if our audience might relate

0:01:03.120 --> 0:01:07.640
<v Speaker 1>similarly to how this particular person deals.

0:01:07.319 --> 0:01:13.080
<v Speaker 2>With she because not her, that's my only.

0:01:14.600 --> 0:01:14.759
<v Speaker 3>This.

0:01:15.200 --> 0:01:16.760
<v Speaker 1>The voice that you're going to hear if you're on

0:01:16.800 --> 0:01:22.600
<v Speaker 1>the listening side is Melanie Hopson, who I'm sorry I

0:01:22.680 --> 0:01:25.040
<v Speaker 1>say Melanie. You can have a D in your name

0:01:25.160 --> 0:01:28.040
<v Speaker 1>all day of you a melody and I'm also.

0:01:29.800 --> 0:01:32.480
<v Speaker 2>But she's I don't know, we know her, but a

0:01:32.520 --> 0:01:35.040
<v Speaker 2>lot of people like may not actually know her. She's

0:01:35.280 --> 0:01:40.280
<v Speaker 2>the president of a Real Investments, which is a huge

0:01:40.600 --> 0:01:45.240
<v Speaker 2>management strategic planning firm, but really in finance. She also

0:01:45.319 --> 0:01:47.400
<v Speaker 2>happens to be married to George Lucas.

0:01:48.440 --> 0:01:50.560
<v Speaker 1>Yes, yes, star Wars.

0:01:50.640 --> 0:01:58.160
<v Speaker 2>Wars fame, so collectively they are ballin' very She was

0:01:58.200 --> 0:02:00.480
<v Speaker 2>formerly on the board of Starbucks, but I don't think

0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:03.520
<v Speaker 2>she's on the board now. And I think she's on

0:02:03.560 --> 0:02:05.600
<v Speaker 2>the board of the Rockefellow Foundation as well.

0:02:06.080 --> 0:02:09.799
<v Speaker 1>I mean, she's a big deal. She's a big Check

0:02:09.800 --> 0:02:12.120
<v Speaker 1>her out. I will check it out. You should. I

0:02:12.160 --> 0:02:12.840
<v Speaker 1>think you find it.

0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:16.320
<v Speaker 2>Interesting how when you become the one person in the

0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:19.680
<v Speaker 2>family that makes money, how do you maintain relationships with

0:02:19.760 --> 0:02:20.320
<v Speaker 2>your family?

0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:23.560
<v Speaker 3>This would be hours of conversation, but I'm going to

0:02:23.600 --> 0:02:26.000
<v Speaker 3>give you the highlight reel. For me, I was my

0:02:26.040 --> 0:02:29.440
<v Speaker 3>mother's retirement plan. She fully expected and believed that, but

0:02:29.520 --> 0:02:31.240
<v Speaker 3>she put a lot of pressure.

0:02:30.880 --> 0:02:31.600
<v Speaker 2>On me, a lot.

0:02:31.680 --> 0:02:33.400
<v Speaker 3>We had a young woman who worked at Ariel. Her

0:02:33.400 --> 0:02:35.440
<v Speaker 3>father was the CEO of a big company She was

0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:37.919
<v Speaker 3>a young white woman, and she was like, you lend

0:02:37.960 --> 0:02:42.040
<v Speaker 3>your family members money, you take care of your parents.

0:02:42.280 --> 0:02:43.639
<v Speaker 3>And we're all like, there are a bunch of black

0:02:43.639 --> 0:02:44.200
<v Speaker 3>people in the day.

0:02:44.240 --> 0:02:45.639
<v Speaker 1>We're like, yeah, you.

0:02:45.600 --> 0:02:47.919
<v Speaker 3>Have to set boundaries. You have just set very very

0:02:47.960 --> 0:02:49.960
<v Speaker 3>clear boundaries. And what I did, which was a bit

0:02:50.000 --> 0:02:53.080
<v Speaker 3>extreme because it became debilitating to me and it was

0:02:53.120 --> 0:02:55.640
<v Speaker 3>going to end relationships that I had, was I put,

0:02:55.760 --> 0:02:58.160
<v Speaker 3>honestly an accountant between me and my family, and I

0:02:58.240 --> 0:03:00.000
<v Speaker 3>made it that you can't ever call me for money,

0:03:00.080 --> 0:03:01.920
<v Speaker 3>but you can call this person. I'm not going to

0:03:01.919 --> 0:03:03.600
<v Speaker 3>talk to you about this. You have to call Tom.

0:03:03.720 --> 0:03:05.360
<v Speaker 3>You have to call Tom. You have to call Tom.

0:03:05.520 --> 0:03:08.040
<v Speaker 3>It was ugly in the beginning. The last thing I

0:03:08.040 --> 0:03:10.359
<v Speaker 3>tell people all the time is when you make that decision,

0:03:10.480 --> 0:03:12.639
<v Speaker 3>just understand it's a donation. You're never going to say

0:03:12.639 --> 0:03:15.600
<v Speaker 3>it again. Whatever I do give, I do not expect back.

0:03:15.760 --> 0:03:18.919
<v Speaker 3>I never said that to them, but emotionally that was

0:03:19.000 --> 0:03:20.960
<v Speaker 3>my way of dealing with when I didn't get it back.

0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:24.360
<v Speaker 1>I could relate to that. First of all, the accounting

0:03:24.400 --> 0:03:28.720
<v Speaker 1>think that ain't in my league. I'll be clear clearly.

0:03:30.320 --> 0:03:35.480
<v Speaker 1>But but Tiff, I don't know about you. But when folks,

0:03:35.800 --> 0:03:37.080
<v Speaker 1>you know, sort of make up in their mind that

0:03:37.120 --> 0:03:40.080
<v Speaker 1>you're the one that has the resource as the relative,

0:03:40.880 --> 0:03:45.000
<v Speaker 1>and in my opinion, sort of suspend with the fact

0:03:45.040 --> 0:03:47.960
<v Speaker 1>that you got their kids and their family and got

0:03:48.000 --> 0:03:49.880
<v Speaker 1>all that, and it's sort of like, this is what

0:03:49.920 --> 0:03:52.880
<v Speaker 1>I need and can you help, and can I just

0:03:52.920 --> 0:03:55.839
<v Speaker 1>borrow such and such an until next week or such

0:03:55.840 --> 0:04:01.280
<v Speaker 1>and such, you know, I like, like Melody said, once,

0:04:01.360 --> 0:04:05.200
<v Speaker 1>I once I gave money, even if it were a

0:04:05.280 --> 0:04:09.360
<v Speaker 1>quote loan, I made up in my mind immediately it

0:04:09.400 --> 0:04:12.720
<v Speaker 1>wasn't coming back. Because early on when I really did

0:04:12.760 --> 0:04:15.800
<v Speaker 1>think people were asking for a loan, and they really

0:04:15.800 --> 0:04:18.719
<v Speaker 1>were next Tuesday, don't pay me back. And then I

0:04:18.720 --> 0:04:20.840
<v Speaker 1>saw them next week on Saturday, and they were buying

0:04:20.880 --> 0:04:24.359
<v Speaker 1>themselves some kicks. And in my mind, I'm now resenting

0:04:24.640 --> 0:04:27.880
<v Speaker 1>and I got judgment. Now I'm watching your spend, I'm

0:04:27.920 --> 0:04:29.919
<v Speaker 1>watching all of it. And it wasn't that like I

0:04:30.000 --> 0:04:31.880
<v Speaker 1>needed the money back so badly. It was just the

0:04:31.920 --> 0:04:35.400
<v Speaker 1>principle of the matter, like you said, with your whole heart,

0:04:35.640 --> 0:04:37.880
<v Speaker 1>the next week Tuesday, you were going to do a thing,

0:04:38.360 --> 0:04:40.279
<v Speaker 1>and it's Saturday, and you didn't do that thing. You

0:04:40.320 --> 0:04:43.240
<v Speaker 1>didn't do the thing you said. But worse, you not

0:04:43.360 --> 0:04:46.080
<v Speaker 1>taking the money. You should be paying me back and

0:04:46.120 --> 0:04:49.240
<v Speaker 1>buying shoes and this and that. And let's go to

0:04:49.440 --> 0:04:53.719
<v Speaker 1>you know, restaurant X, Y and Z and get brunch.

0:04:54.279 --> 0:04:57.159
<v Speaker 1>How you gonna get brunch? You owe me money? Right,

0:04:57.240 --> 0:05:01.520
<v Speaker 1>So that was that began to tear at relationships for me.

0:05:01.560 --> 0:05:04.880
<v Speaker 1>And I'm talking to you know, history forward, and so

0:05:05.040 --> 0:05:07.800
<v Speaker 1>it was like, Andrew, you got to make one or

0:05:07.800 --> 0:05:10.240
<v Speaker 1>two decisions. You either are going to say, no, I'm

0:05:10.240 --> 0:05:12.920
<v Speaker 1>not loaning money. I don't give no, I can't do that,

0:05:13.440 --> 0:05:16.080
<v Speaker 1>or you're going to say if it is a gift,

0:05:16.120 --> 0:05:19.040
<v Speaker 1>if it's a loan, it's a gift, it is make

0:05:19.120 --> 0:05:21.960
<v Speaker 1>up in your mind. You you are never seeing it again.

0:05:22.080 --> 0:05:24.400
<v Speaker 1>And that way I can release it right when I

0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:26.720
<v Speaker 1>release the money, that is gone.

0:05:26.920 --> 0:05:28.520
<v Speaker 2>I think that's a good practice. So I didn't know

0:05:28.520 --> 0:05:31.560
<v Speaker 2>we were going to be talking about this, but just coincidentally,

0:05:31.560 --> 0:05:33.520
<v Speaker 2>of course, you know, I'm writing a book and I

0:05:33.600 --> 0:05:37.400
<v Speaker 2>write extensively about this, so I actually have some data

0:05:37.720 --> 0:05:40.479
<v Speaker 2>on this. And the challenge with Andrew is, you well know,

0:05:40.520 --> 0:05:43.359
<v Speaker 2>as a parent, sometimes you're now put in a position

0:05:43.440 --> 0:05:45.840
<v Speaker 2>where now you're taking care of parents and you're taking

0:05:45.839 --> 0:05:48.599
<v Speaker 2>care of children. So you're getting bled by both ends,

0:05:49.040 --> 0:05:51.520
<v Speaker 2>which puts you in peril. So then the cycle continues.

0:05:51.560 --> 0:05:53.440
<v Speaker 2>You put your children in a position where they now

0:05:53.480 --> 0:05:55.640
<v Speaker 2>have to take care of you and their children. Then

0:05:55.640 --> 0:05:57.600
<v Speaker 2>it's like, how do you stop right? But many of

0:05:57.680 --> 0:05:59.800
<v Speaker 2>us are doing just that. So in fact, nearly half

0:05:59.839 --> 0:06:04.920
<v Speaker 2>all college educated black households are taking care of their

0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:08.280
<v Speaker 2>parents or you know, putting money back into their family,

0:06:08.400 --> 0:06:12.880
<v Speaker 2>while just sixteen percent of college educated white households do

0:06:13.000 --> 0:06:16.520
<v Speaker 2>the same. And more than a quarter of Black Americans

0:06:16.560 --> 0:06:22.000
<v Speaker 2>live in multi generational homes here. So you look at

0:06:22.160 --> 0:06:26.200
<v Speaker 2>what we're doing and also considering the wealth gap. So

0:06:26.240 --> 0:06:28.560
<v Speaker 2>I write about that, and it's not just data, but

0:06:28.600 --> 0:06:30.719
<v Speaker 2>I also write about it through my own personal lens

0:06:30.920 --> 0:06:33.440
<v Speaker 2>and how I live my life. Look, this is one

0:06:33.520 --> 0:06:36.480
<v Speaker 2>of the challenging things for me. I am a giver.

0:06:36.839 --> 0:06:39.280
<v Speaker 2>If I have it, I will give it, and I

0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:42.320
<v Speaker 2>certainly you know, I have an immediate family member who

0:06:42.400 --> 0:06:45.520
<v Speaker 2>I take care of all of her needs as best

0:06:45.520 --> 0:06:47.400
<v Speaker 2>I can. I don't want her to want for anything.

0:06:48.040 --> 0:06:51.400
<v Speaker 2>And then outside of that, I get a little frustrated

0:06:51.480 --> 0:06:54.960
<v Speaker 2>because I made certain choices in life and I have

0:06:55.040 --> 0:06:59.240
<v Speaker 2>been a really amazing steward of my own finances. I

0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:02.160
<v Speaker 2>have budgeted in a way that I have this pot

0:07:02.160 --> 0:07:05.240
<v Speaker 2>of money to live off of every month. And since

0:07:05.360 --> 0:07:06.960
<v Speaker 2>since one of the comments in our survey was I

0:07:06.960 --> 0:07:08.640
<v Speaker 2>don't talk about my personal life and tell all my

0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:12.640
<v Speaker 2>personal business, I'll tell you all a very specific story.

0:07:12.720 --> 0:07:16.080
<v Speaker 2>Just recently, I had budgeted where I paid for everything,

0:07:16.600 --> 0:07:19.920
<v Speaker 2>All bills are paid, family taken care of, you know,

0:07:20.080 --> 0:07:23.480
<v Speaker 2>grocery money, going out money, everything, And I just had

0:07:23.520 --> 0:07:26.520
<v Speaker 2>a thousand dollars surplus. You know, this was just free

0:07:26.560 --> 0:07:31.760
<v Speaker 2>cash for me to do with whatever. If I wanted

0:07:31.800 --> 0:07:34.440
<v Speaker 2>to pay for dinner one night, if I wanted to

0:07:34.480 --> 0:07:36.240
<v Speaker 2>catch the train to New York to meet with my

0:07:36.280 --> 0:07:41.640
<v Speaker 2>publisher about just whatever, nothing silly your publisher, yeah, or

0:07:41.960 --> 0:07:44.600
<v Speaker 2>whomever in New York. No, not the kind you turned

0:07:44.640 --> 0:07:46.920
<v Speaker 2>off with the guy. I know he would be paying

0:07:46.960 --> 0:07:48.680
<v Speaker 2>for it if I was going to see him. But me,

0:07:49.160 --> 0:07:51.120
<v Speaker 2>you know, whatever appointments I might have to have to

0:07:51.120 --> 0:07:52.560
<v Speaker 2>go back and forth in New York all the time

0:07:52.920 --> 0:07:55.920
<v Speaker 2>is really expensive. And so just a thousand not free money.

0:07:56.000 --> 0:07:58.520
<v Speaker 2>You know, that's not allocated anywhere, not even to my

0:07:58.720 --> 0:08:01.960
<v Speaker 2>going out budget. And just like that, my family hit

0:08:02.000 --> 0:08:04.240
<v Speaker 2>me up. I need three hundred dollars. Okay, well that'sk

0:08:04.320 --> 0:08:07.160
<v Speaker 2>on another family member, I need three hundred dollars. Okay,

0:08:07.200 --> 0:08:10.040
<v Speaker 2>well now I'm down the six hundred. Then this family

0:08:10.080 --> 0:08:12.320
<v Speaker 2>needed something, Well now I'm down to five hundred. And

0:08:12.360 --> 0:08:14.800
<v Speaker 2>it just got whittled and whittled, and so now I

0:08:14.840 --> 0:08:19.240
<v Speaker 2>have a three hundred dollars surplus for myself. Now I

0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:22.000
<v Speaker 2>didn't want for anything. I was well taken care of.

0:08:22.240 --> 0:08:24.080
<v Speaker 2>But to be honest, I did have a little bit

0:08:24.080 --> 0:08:30.360
<v Speaker 2>of resentment because I budget my money for that reason,

0:08:30.920 --> 0:08:33.440
<v Speaker 2>and I do wonder, like, what are you doing that

0:08:33.480 --> 0:08:38.600
<v Speaker 2>you're not budgeting your money and the assumption that you're

0:08:38.600 --> 0:08:41.400
<v Speaker 2>going to borrow money and I know I'll never see

0:08:41.400 --> 0:08:43.200
<v Speaker 2>that money again. And then I also feel like an

0:08:43.200 --> 0:08:46.319
<v Speaker 2>asshole for asking for the money, because you know, I

0:08:46.800 --> 0:08:50.400
<v Speaker 2>make my family can't comprehend. But I also live in

0:08:50.440 --> 0:08:52.320
<v Speaker 2>one of the most expensive cities, so it's not like

0:08:52.360 --> 0:08:54.320
<v Speaker 2>I'm out here ball and it's like, yeah, what I

0:08:54.440 --> 0:08:58.600
<v Speaker 2>pay in rent might be their mortgage for six months,

0:08:58.640 --> 0:09:01.360
<v Speaker 2>you know, So it might look like I have this

0:09:01.440 --> 0:09:04.720
<v Speaker 2>surplus of cash, but I have this huge bucket of

0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:08.640
<v Speaker 2>expenses and I'm never you know, like the woman who

0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:10.880
<v Speaker 2>gave me life, and never like I always want her

0:09:11.800 --> 0:09:14.720
<v Speaker 2>to not have have what she needs, but we have

0:09:14.800 --> 0:09:19.840
<v Speaker 2>what she wants as well. So I really appreciate you

0:09:20.240 --> 0:09:24.400
<v Speaker 2>bringing up this conversation because I don't have kids, and

0:09:24.440 --> 0:09:26.920
<v Speaker 2>I can't imagine trying to take care of children. But

0:09:27.080 --> 0:09:31.280
<v Speaker 2>it is exhausting. It's emotionally exhausting, it is financially taxing.

0:09:31.840 --> 0:09:34.640
<v Speaker 2>Then there's also those random tax bills that come up,

0:09:35.480 --> 0:09:38.040
<v Speaker 2>and so when you have, you know, I think some

0:09:38.080 --> 0:09:42.520
<v Speaker 2>of the income challenges and blessings that we have. That's

0:09:42.520 --> 0:09:45.520
<v Speaker 2>another thing. It's hard to explain that to family, like

0:09:45.559 --> 0:09:47.800
<v Speaker 2>you don't understand it. I'm paying a lawyer, or if

0:09:47.800 --> 0:09:50.719
<v Speaker 2>I'm collecting the speaker fee, I'm paying an agent, I'm

0:09:50.760 --> 0:09:53.719
<v Speaker 2>paying my speaking agent, I'm paying my overall agent. I'm

0:09:53.760 --> 0:09:57.400
<v Speaker 2>paying the manager, I'm paying an assistant. Every like, there

0:09:57.400 --> 0:10:02.200
<v Speaker 2>are things that I budgeted for and I allocated for this. Now,

0:10:02.240 --> 0:10:04.200
<v Speaker 2>I don't always feel like there's a lot of consideration

0:10:04.440 --> 0:10:06.040
<v Speaker 2>to that. I mean, I trust some people come to

0:10:06.080 --> 0:10:08.760
<v Speaker 2>me they feel bad and they've gone through all the things.

0:10:09.600 --> 0:10:11.640
<v Speaker 2>But I also look back, like god damn, like when

0:10:11.679 --> 0:10:13.560
<v Speaker 2>we were younger. This is why I was trying to

0:10:13.600 --> 0:10:15.959
<v Speaker 2>tell you should do this, this like makes a different

0:10:16.040 --> 0:10:19.760
<v Speaker 2>decision and it didn't happen, and so I don't know.

0:10:19.880 --> 0:10:22.800
<v Speaker 2>I just I feel guilty. I class guilt for sure.

0:10:22.920 --> 0:10:35.319
<v Speaker 1>No, I feel that. I feel that. And sometimes our friends, family,

0:10:35.320 --> 0:10:37.800
<v Speaker 1>wild ever sort of make us to feel, you know,

0:10:37.880 --> 0:10:40.200
<v Speaker 1>sort of shamed or guilty in some way or another,

0:10:40.640 --> 0:10:43.560
<v Speaker 1>because you remember, I gave my last for such and

0:10:43.600 --> 0:10:45.160
<v Speaker 1>such and such, and I did my and I know

0:10:45.520 --> 0:10:50.000
<v Speaker 1>about those things, so we feel some obligation there. I

0:10:50.040 --> 0:10:53.079
<v Speaker 1>guess if I could, if something could be different about

0:10:53.440 --> 0:10:56.320
<v Speaker 1>the dynamic I get, for me, it will probably be

0:10:57.720 --> 0:11:01.640
<v Speaker 1>just don't call it alone if you don't really mean

0:11:02.120 --> 0:11:07.520
<v Speaker 1>for it. Yeah, it's just something about that that just

0:11:07.559 --> 0:11:11.800
<v Speaker 1>doesn't feel right. Yeah, you feel really taking advantage of

0:11:12.280 --> 0:11:15.120
<v Speaker 1>and almost like playing for stupid, Like now you damn

0:11:15.440 --> 0:11:18.360
<v Speaker 1>ll no, you ain't paid back the last six and

0:11:18.400 --> 0:11:20.440
<v Speaker 1>you ain't about to pay back the seventh, and so

0:11:21.520 --> 0:11:25.800
<v Speaker 1>don't say it, stop joshing me. Stop you know, acting

0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:30.240
<v Speaker 1>like I was born last night, because that did. Something

0:11:30.240 --> 0:11:34.680
<v Speaker 1>about that just doesn't feel honest with the relationship. And

0:11:35.360 --> 0:11:37.960
<v Speaker 1>that's what I would say I sort of missed the most.

0:11:38.000 --> 0:11:40.679
<v Speaker 1>There was a period in time where I just didn't

0:11:40.679 --> 0:11:43.760
<v Speaker 1>want to take calls from them, you know, you know,

0:11:43.840 --> 0:11:45.960
<v Speaker 1>from from from server. I knew what it was on

0:11:46.000 --> 0:11:48.360
<v Speaker 1>the other end, and so I was like, you know what,

0:11:48.400 --> 0:11:51.640
<v Speaker 1>I need peace today, Like I just can't get in

0:11:51.480 --> 0:11:53.400
<v Speaker 1>the middle of it. And then also got to a

0:11:53.400 --> 0:11:56.120
<v Speaker 1>stage where you know, you just need to leave a

0:11:56.120 --> 0:11:59.400
<v Speaker 1>text or voicemail with the amount and like and then

0:11:59.440 --> 0:12:01.120
<v Speaker 1>that's done and this is over. Like I don't want

0:12:01.120 --> 0:12:03.040
<v Speaker 1>to have to fake I don't want to have to

0:12:03.040 --> 0:12:05.600
<v Speaker 1>fake it. I don't ask me how I'm doing, how

0:12:05.640 --> 0:12:11.439
<v Speaker 1>you've been, and you don't mean it. You know, I

0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:13.959
<v Speaker 1>can see from the ring, I know it from this

0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:19.400
<v Speaker 1>to the phone vibrates. Yeah. And but I also know

0:12:19.640 --> 0:12:23.160
<v Speaker 1>that there are people who get out and they are

0:12:23.240 --> 0:12:26.319
<v Speaker 1>working job. They're showing up to their job, they are

0:12:26.360 --> 0:12:28.960
<v Speaker 1>working their job. They are getting the paycheck from the job,

0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:31.760
<v Speaker 1>and before they can cash it, it is already spent

0:12:31.800 --> 0:12:35.320
<v Speaker 1>on the bills and obligations. I know that life all

0:12:35.360 --> 0:12:38.240
<v Speaker 1>too well. I remember trading, you know, paying you know,

0:12:38.320 --> 0:12:41.560
<v Speaker 1>robing Peter to pay Paul, and then borrowing again, you know,

0:12:41.640 --> 0:12:43.680
<v Speaker 1>off the Paul money and the serpent, you know, to

0:12:43.760 --> 0:12:46.280
<v Speaker 1>do this. So I don't I don't I try not

0:12:46.320 --> 0:12:48.560
<v Speaker 1>to act like I don't know what's going on. I

0:12:48.600 --> 0:12:50.439
<v Speaker 1>get it, but then I also want on the other

0:12:50.480 --> 0:12:53.640
<v Speaker 1>side for you to know that just because you saw

0:12:53.800 --> 0:12:56.000
<v Speaker 1>me on a plane to d C the other day

0:12:56.280 --> 0:12:58.760
<v Speaker 1>and then I was in New York, that ain't my person.

0:12:58.880 --> 0:13:01.720
<v Speaker 1>I'm not I'm not here ball and taking trips every week.

0:13:01.760 --> 0:13:06.680
<v Speaker 2>That is, it's your life and get made money. But

0:13:06.720 --> 0:13:10.120
<v Speaker 2>they don't know as a work for somebody else's is

0:13:10.120 --> 0:13:13.480
<v Speaker 2>putting the build. But all they said the highlight reel

0:13:13.800 --> 0:13:17.280
<v Speaker 2>and make assumptions. But my point is even if you

0:13:17.320 --> 0:13:20.679
<v Speaker 2>see me land on the bit on the beach in

0:13:20.720 --> 0:13:23.760
<v Speaker 2>the Maldives, like so I budgeted for that, I worked

0:13:23.800 --> 0:13:26.560
<v Speaker 2>for that, and I get to do that. So it's

0:13:27.200 --> 0:13:29.520
<v Speaker 2>this is a sensitive topic. I you know, I I

0:13:30.160 --> 0:13:31.480
<v Speaker 2>I didn't know we were going to talk about this.

0:13:31.559 --> 0:13:34.120
<v Speaker 2>But it is making me feel even guilty right now,

0:13:34.120 --> 0:13:38.079
<v Speaker 2>to be honest, because I also know like it's hard,

0:13:38.160 --> 0:13:41.320
<v Speaker 2>Like there are people in my family where yes, we

0:13:41.360 --> 0:13:44.079
<v Speaker 2>have the same opportunities, but we had different coping skills

0:13:44.120 --> 0:13:47.680
<v Speaker 2>with life, we had different goals in life, and so

0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:52.160
<v Speaker 2>I feel bad that I made certain decisions that other

0:13:52.320 --> 0:13:56.160
<v Speaker 2>people did not. But what I'm working through is living

0:13:56.320 --> 0:13:58.920
<v Speaker 2>for myself and choosing my joy because I can't carry

0:13:58.960 --> 0:14:02.640
<v Speaker 2>other people's pain and it does. It pains me when

0:14:02.760 --> 0:14:05.800
<v Speaker 2>my family it's even if their feelings are hurt, it

0:14:05.920 --> 0:14:09.760
<v Speaker 2>pains me. And so when they ask, like it is

0:14:09.840 --> 0:14:12.840
<v Speaker 2>difficult for me to say no, actually I saved his money.

0:14:12.880 --> 0:14:15.280
<v Speaker 2>I wanted to get my hair done. You know, Johnny

0:14:15.280 --> 0:14:17.560
<v Speaker 2>Wright got a pretty penny. I was like, I wanted

0:14:17.559 --> 0:14:23.040
<v Speaker 2>to get my hair but it looks like it but

0:14:23.120 --> 0:14:24.960
<v Speaker 2>it's like, yeah, I'm paying a lot of money, but

0:14:25.040 --> 0:14:27.360
<v Speaker 2>I budgeted to be able to pay this money to

0:14:27.400 --> 0:14:30.240
<v Speaker 2>get my hair done. Or I'm you know, speaking at

0:14:30.240 --> 0:14:31.920
<v Speaker 2>this event and they're not paying for hair and makeup,

0:14:31.960 --> 0:14:33.520
<v Speaker 2>like that had to come out of my own pocket.

0:14:33.600 --> 0:14:36.120
<v Speaker 2>And so I feel like the asshole. And I'm like, damn,

0:14:36.200 --> 0:14:39.120
<v Speaker 2>you can't pay your phone bill and I have it,

0:14:39.360 --> 0:14:40.880
<v Speaker 2>except I want to go use it to get this

0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:44.240
<v Speaker 2>fancy haircut. And then I feel guilty, and then I

0:14:44.240 --> 0:14:47.760
<v Speaker 2>feel mad that I feel guilty about it, and I

0:14:47.840 --> 0:14:50.280
<v Speaker 2>just can I get resentful that I'm forced to feel

0:14:50.360 --> 0:14:54.800
<v Speaker 2>all yes, yes, And so I I know what this

0:14:54.920 --> 0:14:58.040
<v Speaker 2>society has done to our people. I understand the wealth gap.

0:14:58.200 --> 0:15:02.560
<v Speaker 2>I understand the decisions that our respective families have had

0:15:02.600 --> 0:15:06.120
<v Speaker 2>to make. I understand what my uncles and different people

0:15:06.160 --> 0:15:08.640
<v Speaker 2>in my life who have given me money and you know,

0:15:08.840 --> 0:15:12.960
<v Speaker 2>just gifted me things for surplus just because I was

0:15:12.960 --> 0:15:17.880
<v Speaker 2>their niece. But it can be taxing in every possible way.

0:15:18.040 --> 0:15:20.880
<v Speaker 2>So I'm curious for my viewers if you guys can,

0:15:21.880 --> 0:15:27.120
<v Speaker 2>if you are the the borrower, what are the circumstances

0:15:27.120 --> 0:15:30.840
<v Speaker 2>that lead you to ask your auntie, a sister, a

0:15:30.880 --> 0:15:33.760
<v Speaker 2>cousin for money? Do you pay it back? Do you

0:15:33.800 --> 0:15:36.360
<v Speaker 2>so uncomfortable? How do you handle it? And if you

0:15:36.600 --> 0:15:40.400
<v Speaker 2>are the one who is issuing funds to family, how

0:15:40.400 --> 0:15:42.160
<v Speaker 2>do you guys handle it? And y'all know I read

0:15:42.160 --> 0:15:44.800
<v Speaker 2>the comments, but I'm also asking just because I want

0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:49.640
<v Speaker 2>some guidance for myself as I navigate my own emotions

0:15:49.680 --> 0:15:53.240
<v Speaker 2>around it. Uh, how do y'all? How do y'all deal

0:15:53.280 --> 0:15:56.840
<v Speaker 2>with it? And I don't know this to my parents

0:15:56.920 --> 0:15:59.920
<v Speaker 2>for the record, like the people give me life, they

0:16:00.160 --> 0:16:02.280
<v Speaker 2>just get to, you know, do whatever. I don't mind that.

0:16:03.960 --> 0:16:06.200
<v Speaker 1>If I got it, you got it. Basically is you know,

0:16:08.560 --> 0:16:11.920
<v Speaker 1>I think this is a charged topic for a lot

0:16:11.920 --> 0:16:13.880
<v Speaker 1>of us in our community, and we've come by it

0:16:13.920 --> 0:16:17.160
<v Speaker 1>the hard way because most of us know it so well,

0:16:17.800 --> 0:16:19.960
<v Speaker 1>which is why we find ourselves so obedient to the

0:16:20.000 --> 0:16:23.720
<v Speaker 1>request because at various points in our lives, and you know,

0:16:23.800 --> 0:16:26.840
<v Speaker 1>God forbid in our future life will wee ever find

0:16:26.880 --> 0:16:29.440
<v Speaker 1>ourselves on the on the side of need. But I

0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:31.560
<v Speaker 1>will say, if I am ever on the side of need,

0:16:31.720 --> 0:16:34.440
<v Speaker 1>when I have been on the side of need, I've

0:16:34.520 --> 0:16:37.800
<v Speaker 1>made it my creed to pay people, and I like

0:16:37.840 --> 0:16:40.040
<v Speaker 1>to do it right when I say, and I hope

0:16:40.080 --> 0:16:43.280
<v Speaker 1>it's the next, very very next week if it can,

0:16:43.400 --> 0:16:46.160
<v Speaker 1>because I know the feeling of I'll pay you back

0:16:46.200 --> 0:16:48.240
<v Speaker 1>in I don't ever want.

0:16:48.120 --> 0:16:50.760
<v Speaker 2>To be in character, and if I can't, I'm going

0:16:50.840 --> 0:16:53.000
<v Speaker 2>to acknowledge it. At least I'm going to say, hey,

0:16:53.040 --> 0:16:56.120
<v Speaker 2>for sure say something right, but just the assumption, I mean,

0:16:56.120 --> 0:17:00.520
<v Speaker 2>that's just the behavior of men and women, grown adults.

0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:02.360
<v Speaker 2>This is how how that goes.

0:17:02.640 --> 0:17:05.800
<v Speaker 1>So yeah, that's real. Well, thank you all for indulging

0:17:05.880 --> 0:17:09.200
<v Speaker 1>us in this conversation, and thank you TIF for sharing

0:17:09.280 --> 0:17:11.720
<v Speaker 1>more of your personal love. Although I have to say

0:17:11.760 --> 0:17:14.840
<v Speaker 1>I disagree with that comment because I think you are very,

0:17:14.920 --> 0:17:22.000
<v Speaker 1>very vulnerable and open about what's going well it certainly

0:17:22.040 --> 0:17:24.719
<v Speaker 1>if you're you know, doing some experimental stuff. You just

0:17:24.920 --> 0:17:27.560
<v Speaker 1>you just set that camera up and we'll be the

0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:30.520
<v Speaker 1>judge of it. Okay, y'all, thank you for being with

0:17:30.600 --> 0:17:33.080
<v Speaker 1>us on this, on this mini pod. I hope you

0:17:33.160 --> 0:17:35.359
<v Speaker 1>took something from it, and we are still expecting to

0:17:35.400 --> 0:17:37.040
<v Speaker 1>get something from you. We want to hear your thoughts

0:17:37.119 --> 0:17:39.480
<v Speaker 1>and reflections on how it is you negotiate.

0:17:48.600 --> 0:17:49.480
<v Speaker 2>At this.

0:17:51.520 --> 0:17:53.040
<v Speaker 1>And we kept it brief, so get it in the

0:17:53.040 --> 0:17:55.240
<v Speaker 1>group chat. Take you everybody, Welcome Home.

0:18:08.040 --> 0:18:10.760
<v Speaker 2>Native Lampod is a production of iHeartRadio and partnership with

0:18:10.800 --> 0:18:13.800
<v Speaker 2>Recent Choice Media. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the

0:18:13.800 --> 0:18:16.879
<v Speaker 2>iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your

0:18:16.880 --> 0:18:17.480
<v Speaker 2>favorite shows.