Speaker 1: With pre marital counseling, are we going to prepare ourselves
Speaker 1: to get married or are we still like that pre
Speaker 1: engagement where we're like, okay, is this gonna work?
Speaker 2: A lot of times we come from broken homes.
Speaker 3: Then when we come into a dating relationship, now we're romanticizing.
Speaker 3: An unhealthy relationship gets familiar to us.
Speaker 2: And in Spanish is.
Speaker 3: And casa, we do that as a protective mechanism because
Speaker 3: there is a status. If my husband is a womanizer,
Speaker 3: that means that I'm not good enough as a woman.
Speaker 2: But it really comes from.
Speaker 1: The culture of the machistam Hey guys, Happy Monday and
Speaker 1: Happy December. This year is about to fly by, so
Speaker 1: I hope you guys are getting ready to welcome the
Speaker 1: new year. I'm really looking forward to today's episode because
Speaker 1: we're going to be hearing from my therapist. I can't
Speaker 1: wait for you all to meet her and hear all
Speaker 1: about pre marital counseling and even pre engagement counseling. So,
Speaker 1: without further ado, let's get the show started. This is
Speaker 1: Cheeky's and Chill. I am so excited to introduce today's guest.
Speaker 4: Her name is.
Speaker 1: Tanya Faniagua and she is the founder and CEO of
Speaker 1: the Breath of Life Foundation in Irvine, California, and she's
Speaker 1: also my therapist and my sister's therapist as well. I've
Speaker 1: been working with her for about a year and a
Speaker 1: half now and it has literally changed my life.
Speaker 4: Welcome to the podcast, Tanya.
Speaker 2: I am so excited to be here with you.
Speaker 1: I am so excited. We had a session you guys
Speaker 1: this morning. Just FYI. So I've been working with Tanya
Speaker 1: for about a year, right year and a half something
Speaker 1: like that, Tanya, about a year. Yes, So how I
Speaker 1: met Tanya was through my sister Jackie. She's also my sister,
Speaker 1: Jackie's therapist and my sister. For Christmas was it Christmas
Speaker 1: or my Birthday, I don't know, she gave me a
Speaker 1: gift card and it was five sessions with Tanya. So
Speaker 1: that's how I met her, and she says, Sister, I
Speaker 1: want to give you this, and it was one of
Speaker 1: the best gifts ever because I've been able to just
Speaker 1: confide and feel so much better after every conversation with Tanya.
Speaker 1: She's helped me through quite a bit, especially with my relationship.
Speaker 1: So I wanted to bring her on because Emilio and
Speaker 1: I just started a couple's therapy and her and her
Speaker 1: husband do couples therapy and I really enjoyed it. Oh
Speaker 1: it's not even couple therapy, it's pre marital you guys,
Speaker 1: I'm engaged, so it's pre marital. It's pre marital therapy
Speaker 1: or counseling, should I say. And it's been pretty cool
Speaker 1: and she's helped me so much. And I met her husband, Rudy. Well,
Speaker 1: I've known them for a while. I've seen them at
Speaker 1: parties and like gatherings and stuff. So now I wanted
Speaker 1: to talk about this because in our first session, Tanya
Speaker 1: told me about pre engagement counseling, something I didn't even
Speaker 1: know existed. So let's just you know, ask the question,
Speaker 1: have I been a good counsel lye.
Speaker 3: Yes, I think you have been an amazing counselor. And
Speaker 3: what makes an amazing counseling is why that's open, has
Speaker 3: a posture of humility to receive instruction that is able
Speaker 3: to then see their areas of growth and then also
Speaker 3: lean into those areas that need to be strengthened.
Speaker 2: So you've done an amazing job, and it's we're working
Speaker 2: on it.
Speaker 1: Yes, we're working on it. We're working I think the
Speaker 1: most important thing, you guys, and you guys know, I
Speaker 1: always say that I'm a huge advocate for counseling, for therapy,
Speaker 1: and I think it's something that we all need for
Speaker 1: the rest of our lives, you know. And since I
Speaker 1: do this, and I do so many things, I feel
Speaker 1: like when I speak to Tanya, I am recharging my batteries,
Speaker 1: I'm refreshing my memory. It just helps me speak and
Speaker 1: then she gives me feedback. And I think it's something
Speaker 1: I have to do for the I want to do
Speaker 1: for the rest of my life. And you have to
Speaker 1: be willing to be vulnerable, you guys, and be completely honest.
Speaker 4: And I have.
Speaker 1: She knows all my secrets, okay, and thank goodness for
Speaker 1: confidentiality because she can't ever say anything, of course, and
Speaker 1: she would never She's not that type of person anyways.
Speaker 1: But I think that what has helped me personally is
Speaker 1: being very honest and even saying things about myself that
Speaker 1: I probably I am not proud of. But that's what's
Speaker 1: going to help you guys. That's what's going to change
Speaker 1: is when you're completely honest. So I just wanted to
Speaker 1: get that out of the way. Anyways, going back to
Speaker 1: pre engagement, can we touch on that just a little bit,
Speaker 1: because I sure didn't know that existed.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So it's something that we like to practice here
Speaker 3: in our organization because oftentimes when you start a relationship
Speaker 3: and then you go into a deeper sense of relationship
Speaker 3: and now becomes a romantic relationship, we oftentimes don't take
Speaker 3: a moment to really think about what's bonding us, and
Speaker 3: so there is this idea of trauma bonding. So basically
Speaker 3: what that means is I am broken and I become
Speaker 3: a magnet to those other people that are broken, and
Speaker 3: so I receive something from the other person's brokenness.
Speaker 2: But we don't really take a moment to see and.
Speaker 3: Analyze is this a healthy relationship or why am I
Speaker 3: bonding to this other person? So in pre engagement we
Speaker 3: have a chance to look at that. Is it really
Speaker 3: trauma bonding or is it authentic bonding? Are you healthy?
Speaker 3: Have you done individual work? Because you have more time
Speaker 3: to explore this rather than if you just go in
Speaker 3: and go through your engagement, you know, put a ring
Speaker 3: on it and then make it public. There is a
Speaker 3: lot of stress and expectations for the wedding date.
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, yes, right, there's a.
Speaker 3: Lot of and everyone's asking you when you're gonna get married,
Speaker 3: and you're like, oh, if you don't even know the
Speaker 3: red flags I'm seeing, right, And so we can't even
Speaker 3: say that right because it's kind of embarrassing because it
Speaker 3: makes us feel like, wait, how come I didn't see
Speaker 3: those red flags?
Speaker 2: And now I'm committed? How do I pull out of this?
Speaker 3: And then I look like a failure and all these
Speaker 3: other things that can come into play for that decision.
Speaker 2: So we like to take it a step further and start.
Speaker 3: Earlier in the process so that if those do come up,
Speaker 3: we can deal with them and you still have a
Speaker 3: way out of the relationship without the whole world knowing
Speaker 3: that you're engaged.
Speaker 4: When when do you do this? Is it six months
Speaker 4: into the relationship?
Speaker 1: Like how do you get people to say, hey, before
Speaker 1: I asked my girl to get engaged?
Speaker 4: When do you guys recommend it?
Speaker 3: Yeah, so you start today and then when it starts
Speaker 3: going into that next dreaming phase of like, oh, I
Speaker 3: could see myself with you for the rest of my
Speaker 3: life like that that is a conversation, right.
Speaker 2: That's a conversation.
Speaker 3: Or you'll start dreaming together, or you might even start
Speaker 3: like ring shopping together, and so.
Speaker 4: That's doing hints and stuff.
Speaker 2: Yes, right in there.
Speaker 3: It's like, okay, you know, well, let's do ourselves a
Speaker 3: favor and let's let's invest before we invest in the ring,
Speaker 3: let's invest in our emotional health.
Speaker 2: To see where we're at.
Speaker 3: Because a lot of times we come from broken homes, right,
Speaker 3: and so we are attached to unhealp healthy relationships because it's.
Speaker 2: What's familiar to us.
Speaker 3: And so then when we come into a dating relationship
Speaker 3: and a serious dating relationship, now we're romanticizing an unhealthy relationship.
Speaker 2: Be gaut's familiar to us.
Speaker 4: Yes, oh my gosh.
Speaker 3: Now we come in. We're not experts in your life.
Speaker 3: You're the experts in your life. But we start to
Speaker 3: ask questions and things start to come to the surface,
Speaker 3: Like in our sessions, things start to come to the surface.
Speaker 2: I'm never an expert in Cheeky's life.
Speaker 3: I will never be, because you are uniquely designed. You're
Speaker 3: very different than I am. But I do have the
Speaker 3: expertise and asking the questions to highlight some of these things.
Speaker 3: And you're like oh oh, oh.
Speaker 4: Oh, a light bulb turns on.
Speaker 2: And so that's what we love to do with couples
Speaker 2: that are doing pre engagement counseling.
Speaker 1: How does a person know, hey, I need some therapy
Speaker 1: or some counseling, Like what are some indications or some
Speaker 1: things that you should say, Hey, if you're feeling this way,
Speaker 1: if you're thinking this, you need counseling.
Speaker 3: Yes, So, like, if they're in a relationship, I'll do
Speaker 3: it from that place and then I'll tell you. So
Speaker 3: if they're in a relationship, like in a dating relationship,
Speaker 3: and you start to look at the relationship like oh,
Speaker 3: he's saving me, And I'm gonna talk like from my perspective, right,
Speaker 3: So when I met Rudy, I was a single mom
Speaker 3: with two kids, and so when he came into my life,
Speaker 3: I was like, oh my gosh, somebody wants me with
Speaker 3: baggage because everyone told me that they weren't gonna want
Speaker 3: me with like you know, I'm a broken relationship and
Speaker 3: I'm coming with two children into this relationship. So I
Speaker 3: had this idea like, Wow, he's saving me. And then
Speaker 3: he starts to express interest and really tries to build me,
Speaker 3: and I'm like, wy he might be fixing me, like
Speaker 3: now I have a reason to live, Like there's a
Speaker 3: validation of my existence. That's not healthy, Like the way
Speaker 3: I met Rudy is not healthy at all. Right, And
Speaker 3: then there's a rollercoaster of chaotic, unpredictable emotions. You use
Speaker 3: things like you complete me. Nobody should ever complete anybody.
Speaker 3: It's really from your whole right, and someone else is homeless.
Speaker 3: We come and we compliment each other, but we don't
Speaker 3: complete each other.
Speaker 4: Dang. And so Rudy was.
Speaker 3: Coming to complete me, was coming to complete my family
Speaker 3: as a stepfather stepping in. And then there's this other
Speaker 3: idea of I betray myself and all of my needs
Speaker 3: to receive his love. So I lay down my life
Speaker 3: as long as he's happy. But I'm thinking this is
Speaker 3: selfless love.
Speaker 2: And it really isn't. It's trauma bonding.
Speaker 3: And then when I really look at it and I
Speaker 3: look at the relationship, it really mirrors a lot of
Speaker 3: the patterning of my childhood experience.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I was.
Speaker 3: I was starting to repeat a lot of the stuff
Speaker 3: that I had seen growing up, and not just growing
Speaker 3: up in my first relationship, So whoa, you know, I
Speaker 3: saw it growing up. I saw it in my first marriage,
Speaker 3: and now I see it in my second marriage.
Speaker 2: So it looks.
Speaker 3: Great, we get married and then it blows up. For
Speaker 3: the first three years of our marriage, we were not
Speaker 3: just kyind of blend of family, but we were coming
Speaker 3: in with our baggage. We didn't know how much baggage
Speaker 3: we had. I had never done individual work. I wasn't
Speaker 3: even a therapist, a counselor.
Speaker 2: I was nothing. I was just Tanya, a.
Speaker 3: Single mom with two babies, an eleven year old and
Speaker 3: a six year old. And when all hell breaks loose,
Speaker 3: he I get pregnant. I remember telling him in the
Speaker 3: car on the phone, Hey, I'm pregnant, like thinking, shoot,
Speaker 3: he's probably thinking I'm gonna I'm pregnant, like I'm saying this,
Speaker 3: or he can come home. But I really was pregnant,
Speaker 3: and that was like my whole journey with our first
Speaker 3: child together. And then at the end of that it
Speaker 3: was so chaotic, so toxic that he leaves and then
Speaker 3: he's unfaithful and he's a un faithful twice during my pregnancy,
Speaker 3: and so what I thought was a man that was
Speaker 3: going to come fix me was really no, Like that's
Speaker 3: not that was not at all authentic love.
Speaker 2: So why do I.
Speaker 3: Share this is because I didn't know that I was
Speaker 3: coming into the relationship with so much baggage. So I
Speaker 3: would have loved for someone to say, like, hold on
Speaker 3: a second, like just relax for a moment, Let's take
Speaker 3: it slow, let's look inside, let's see some of.
Speaker 2: The things you to heal from your first marriage.
Speaker 3: Because my first husband was also unfaithful to me, and
Speaker 3: if I look back even further, my father was an
Speaker 3: unfaithful man. So who's the common denominator, tanya is?
Speaker 4: Oh geez.
Speaker 3: So it doesn't mean that I deserve this, right, it
Speaker 3: means that there's a brokenness in me that attracts these
Speaker 3: kind of men and makes that's a familiar relationship even
Speaker 3: though it's not healthy. So that kind of answers the
Speaker 3: second part of the question, right, like when you start
Speaker 3: to have familiarity with just unhealthiness and sometimes you don't
Speaker 3: know that. On a personal note, it's like low self esteem.
Speaker 3: If you start to feel like anxious or depressed or
Speaker 3: you have you are a person that reacts rather than responds.
Speaker 3: There are things in there that really need to be
Speaker 3: healed because a lot of times we have soul wounds
Speaker 3: that are not healed, you know, from our childhood that
Speaker 3: we bring into the relationships or even into our life
Speaker 3: as we grow older.
Speaker 1: So and that's kind of where we're at now with
Speaker 1: the media and now that we're engaged. I thought it
Speaker 1: was very important because our relationship isn't perfect. I think
Speaker 1: this is the healthiest relationship I've been in and my
Speaker 1: past relationships, and it's not even like I'm saying, like
Speaker 1: we're working Emido and I. The good thing here is
Speaker 1: that we're both intentional in we believe in therapy. He
Speaker 1: does his therapy, I do mine, and we understand that
Speaker 1: we need to be healthy. I more than ever understand.
Speaker 1: Before I was very codependent, I was very needy, and
Speaker 1: i've in my like I realized that in my last relationship,
Speaker 1: and I said, I want to make a change. I
Speaker 1: really want to be whole in myself and not feel
Speaker 1: anka like I want to be my whole orange, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like I want to be you know,
Speaker 1: and I've I've been working on that. So I think
Speaker 1: now that we're engaged, and you know, marriage is a
Speaker 1: huge commitment. I've done it once and unfortunately it didn't
Speaker 1: work or fortunately, whatever it is, what it is, I
Speaker 1: don't regret it because I learned so much from it.
Speaker 1: But now it's like, Okay, this is It's a huge
Speaker 1: commitment and I want to do it right, and I
Speaker 1: know there are things within myself that I want to heal.
Speaker 1: I need to heal, like you said, Tanya, like stuff
Speaker 1: that I grew up seeing. You know, no one's perfect,
Speaker 1: and I learned a lot of things and I saw
Speaker 1: quite a bit of stuff.
Speaker 4: So that's where we're at now. We're doing primarito.
Speaker 1: It's something I haven't even asked you privately, but with
Speaker 1: pre marital counseling, are we going to we're going to
Speaker 1: prepare ourselves to get married? Or are we still like
Speaker 1: that kind of like that pre engagement where we're like, okay,
Speaker 1: is this gonna work? Because I did that whole survey right,
Speaker 1: it's a bunch of questions you guys, and I was like, wow,
Speaker 1: are we I want to know that we're equally yoked?
Speaker 1: Is that what we're going to find out with the
Speaker 1: primarital Like, okay, you guys are ready to get married?
Speaker 3: Yes, So what we do in that assessment is in
Speaker 3: the computer generates the report and then we put that
Speaker 3: out in front of you and then start to try and.
Speaker 2: Walk through some of these things.
Speaker 3: So as we're able to come to resolutions and plans
Speaker 3: of actions for these things, then we're able to say like, okay,
Speaker 3: are you guys ready to take the next step. So
Speaker 3: it's not necessarily for us to say that. It's more
Speaker 3: for you to look at it and say, oh, no,
Speaker 3: I can't budge on this. This is non negotiable for me,
Speaker 3: and this is negotiable for her right or for him,
Speaker 3: And so this is where we start to do that.
Speaker 3: But those are conversations that normally don't happen outside of
Speaker 3: the counseling office because no one really talks about your values.
Speaker 3: A lot of people don't even have personal values. They
Speaker 3: haven't taken time to do values right, So values non
Speaker 3: negotiables in your life. And so then since we don't
Speaker 3: take that time to know that about ourselves, someone else
Speaker 3: comes and imposes their values, not in a mean way,
Speaker 3: it just oh, that sounds great, let's just make life
Speaker 3: like that. And then you're like, wait, I'm not being
Speaker 3: true to myself. So in this assessment, as we continue
Speaker 3: to walk together, we will highlight these things and it'll
Speaker 3: show you the things that you're super combatible with and
Speaker 3: there's things that oh, okay, this is an area that
Speaker 3: we're really going to focus on to see if we
Speaker 3: can get you into a place of agreement.
Speaker 2: Not necessarily of I agree with you.
Speaker 3: One hundred percent, because you're not going to lose your essence,
Speaker 3: but I'm comfortable enough that together we'll be able.
Speaker 4: To walk this. Okay, that's where the compromising comes in.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the compromising comes in without really compromising your essence,
Speaker 3: because you don't want to compromise your essence, because then
Speaker 3: that's what happens a lot of times. And then like
Speaker 3: ten years down the line, the essence is wanting to
Speaker 3: come out and it can't, you know, and it finally
Speaker 3: does and it ruptures, and it's like, I can't live
Speaker 3: like this anymore.
Speaker 1: Yes, because I feel like I finally understood, like I
Speaker 1: want to be myself and I want to make sure
Speaker 1: that I'm my best self for my person first of all,
Speaker 1: for myself, but also to have a healthy relationship, you know.
Speaker 1: And when we were doing this assessment, he did his
Speaker 1: own you guys, I called it a survey, but it's
Speaker 1: an assessment, is a correct word, Thank you, Tanya. But
Speaker 1: it was very long and it was very thorough, and
Speaker 1: it had me thinking. I was like, I need to
Speaker 1: be one hundred percent honest right now. Like I would
Speaker 1: go back and I would reread it, and sometimes they
Speaker 1: would ask you the question in a different way and
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, Like, but it really made you think.
Speaker 1: And we never shared our answers. He did his own
Speaker 1: at his own time. I did my own, and I'm like, cause,
Speaker 1: I really really want to really figure this out, you know.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't want to ever waste anyone's time.
Speaker 1: And this is important because we're going to talk about okay,
Speaker 1: the children, finances, like stuff that's hard to talk about,
Speaker 1: you guys, but that I think is very necessary, having
Speaker 1: uncomfortable conversations to figure out your future together. And I
Speaker 1: think that that's we're both on the same page. And
Speaker 1: I didn't even What I loved is I didn't even
Speaker 1: have to convince the media to do premarital counseling. He
Speaker 1: was all in, He's like, let's do it. He's been
Speaker 1: wanting to do couple's therapy for a while. We just
Speaker 1: didn't find the right people. And now, thank goodness, we
Speaker 1: have you guys. But that's one of the questions I had.
Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, then I guess we're going to just
Speaker 1: have to look and say, okay, well, this is where
Speaker 1: we're combatible, this is where we got to work on,
Speaker 1: and then we make the final decision absolutely.
Speaker 3: And then what happens when somebody like when one party
Speaker 3: really wants to go to counseling and the other one's like,
Speaker 3: oh no, that's not for me, right, Like, how do
Speaker 3: you do that? And it's not necessarily a convincing it's
Speaker 3: really like, this is an our best interest because I
Speaker 3: think a lot of people will shy away from counseling
Speaker 3: when they feel that someone's trying to fix them. See,
Speaker 3: my job as a counselor is never to come and
Speaker 3: fix you.
Speaker 2: I'm not going to fix you.
Speaker 3: I'm just going to help highlight those things inside of you,
Speaker 3: your strengths, your areas of growth, and then you will
Speaker 3: commit to your plan of action and walk it out.
Speaker 3: Because really, health is more determined on the counseling that's
Speaker 3: coming in than it is on my part. Because I
Speaker 3: can give you one hundred and one ways on how
Speaker 3: to be the best communicator or how to resolve conflict,
Speaker 3: but there's still a lot of stuff broken from the past.
Speaker 3: Nothing's going to stick and you're not going to commit
Speaker 3: to it. And so when you take the we approach,
Speaker 3: like this is on our best interest to have does
Speaker 3: a third party come in and just highlight and have
Speaker 3: this assessment? The assessment, I mean, it's not fabricated or
Speaker 3: it's not I'm not manipulating it. It's just you're answering
Speaker 3: these questions and the computers, you know, based on the program,
Speaker 3: is going to highlight the strengths, the areas of compatibility,
Speaker 3: the areas that need to be worked on some and
Speaker 3: then we're going to go layer by layer on that.
Speaker 3: So I think that's also important because if we're like,
Speaker 3: well no you start.
Speaker 2: To fight, well, no, you need to go to counseling.
Speaker 4: Yeah, well right away.
Speaker 2: That person's going to shut down exactly.
Speaker 3: And so it's all about the delivery, is like it's
Speaker 3: we if we're really thinking about doing a lifetime together
Speaker 3: and we want to live happy, yes, but even more
Speaker 3: than that, like thriving, because I mean happy happy is temporary.
Speaker 2: That's a temporary feeling, yeah, right, But when.
Speaker 3: You're thriving and there's personal satisfaction like Okay, yeah, it's
Speaker 3: worth it. Like when you want to go and work out,
Speaker 3: it's worth it to get a coach if you don't
Speaker 3: know how to do this right. Yes, it's the same thing.
Speaker 3: The coach isn't going to fix you. It's going to
Speaker 3: help see why aren't you committed? Or hey, you need
Speaker 3: to work this muscle somewhere. That's exactly the same thing
Speaker 3: that countslored us.
Speaker 1: The role of a therapist is it to help, especially
Speaker 1: in couple's therapy, to help figure out what the issues
Speaker 1: are in the relationship and to find a resolution.
Speaker 4: Or is it either or I think it's both.
Speaker 3: Because sometimes like for example, you talked about finances, right,
Speaker 3: a couple could be talking. It could be fighting about finances,
Speaker 3: whether they're engaged, whether they're dating, or they're marriage or whatever, couple,
Speaker 3: it is right they're fighting about finances. Finances isn't the issue.
Speaker 3: Finances is secondary. There is a deeply rooted issue because
Speaker 3: finances means a different thing to a different person. So
Speaker 3: finances for one individual could mean status. To another individual,
Speaker 3: it could mean safety and protection, right, and so oftentimes
Speaker 3: we don't have that kind of language. So when you
Speaker 3: come here and like, well, it's finances and she spends
Speaker 3: too much. So then we start to ask deeper questions like.
Speaker 2: Oh, this is what happens.
Speaker 3: So going back to my personal example, Root was like
Speaker 3: that everything.
Speaker 2: So he loved retail therapy.
Speaker 3: That was his thing, right, So we had a fight
Speaker 3: and I and money for me was protection and safety.
Speaker 2: So anytime we had a fight.
Speaker 3: I remember the first big fight we had, he went
Speaker 3: off to the South Coast Plaza and he goes and
Speaker 3: buys himself a three hundred dollars pen and I see
Speaker 3: it because I get I get the alerts, and I'm like, oh, like,
Speaker 3: I'm thinking safety, safety, like this is red and he's thinking, no, status, status,
Speaker 3: this is the way I protect myself, right, And so
Speaker 3: it would have looked like he was just having a
Speaker 3: fit and doing this, but there was deeper rooted issues
Speaker 3: like his manhood must have felt disrespected in the way
Speaker 3: that I was communicating and he was like, well, no,
Speaker 3: this is like I'm protecting myself this way. And for me,
Speaker 3: finances was like, oh, man, if he does this now,
Speaker 3: like how we're going to be like bankrupt by year five.
Speaker 3: Every single time if he's going to go, you know,
Speaker 3: buy something every single time we have a fight, and
Speaker 3: so it's not finances, what does it mean? And so
Speaker 3: you normally don't know the primary root of it unless
Speaker 3: you've really done some work.
Speaker 2: So we helped bring that.
Speaker 3: To the surface and it's like, oh, okay, this is
Speaker 3: really the issue, and then we can come we can
Speaker 3: co create a solution.
Speaker 1: Yes, see, creating solutions together, that's the thing. It's like together.
Speaker 1: I had to like really get out of the mindset
Speaker 1: of it's what I want. It's like what we want,
Speaker 1: what our relationship needs. That's another thing, you know, because
Speaker 1: I came from a very independent mother and who kind
Speaker 1: of wore the pants in the relationship, you know, and
Speaker 1: in order I feel and I've learned and my sister
Speaker 1: and I, Jackie and I are on the same page
Speaker 1: where it's like it's we weren't taught to be submissive,
Speaker 1: you guys. It was like, no, you're an independent woman
Speaker 1: this and I'm like, well, I don't want to be
Speaker 1: a lonely independent woman. I want to be in a
Speaker 1: long lasting relationship. I enjoy being in a relationship, you know.
Speaker 1: So it's like, what adjustments do I need to make
Speaker 1: in order to make that happen? You know, and we
Speaker 1: always say Jackie and I we're breaking generational curses because
Speaker 1: and at first it was very foreign to me because
Speaker 1: my sister I would say, hey, let's go get our nails,
Speaker 1: and she said, we'll have to talk to my husband.
Speaker 4: I'm like, why, why do you have to talk to
Speaker 4: your husband. I didn't understand.
Speaker 1: She's like, oh, well, because you don't have to, not
Speaker 1: that I have to ask him for permission. But it's like, hey,
Speaker 1: is it okay for us? You know, to spend this
Speaker 1: extra money getting my nails done is a luxury because
Speaker 1: I have kids. And I'm like, oh, you know what.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I get it. I'm like, okay, now I
Speaker 1: admire it, you know. And now Jackie and you guys
Speaker 1: are the ones that saved Jackie and Mike's marriage, and I.
Speaker 4: Think it's a beautiful thing.
Speaker 1: I see them, and I see Mike as a completely
Speaker 1: different person. My sister as well. They have very good
Speaker 1: communication and they're making their relationship work. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: I love that. I'm so happy for her. So anyways,
Speaker 1: you guys, I'm just saying therapy works. And I actually
Speaker 1: now I have a question, Tanya, do you feel or
Speaker 1: in your experience when you're doing couples therapy, do you
Speaker 1: feel that it's the man that's a little bit more
Speaker 1: resistant to counseling than the woman or it varies, It varies.
Speaker 3: We've seen a trend, probably in this last I want
Speaker 3: to say year two years, that men are the ones
Speaker 3: calling for the for the appointments, and I get so excited.
Speaker 2: I'm like, yes, they're career.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Or we'll have marriage refreshers here at our office
Speaker 3: where we have like thirty five couples and we go
Speaker 3: through different things, you know, like some of the issues
Speaker 3: the most common issues of like communication or sex, or
Speaker 3: parenting or finances.
Speaker 2: So we'll go through that.
Speaker 3: And when it's question and answer time, we don't give
Speaker 3: out little papers where people write down, you know, like
Speaker 3: we're very open and vocal, so it's all the men
Speaker 3: asking the questions, and so it's really neat. Yes, I've
Speaker 3: seen that shift, and I think it's important because men
Speaker 3: and women both feel emotions. It's just men are really
Speaker 3: they do a better job of being able to suppress
Speaker 3: them so they can continue with the vision that they have,
Speaker 3: and they're very good at that. I can't focus on
Speaker 3: emotions and vision. I'm going to put my emotions away
Speaker 3: so I can fulfill the vision.
Speaker 2: A woman is.
Speaker 3: More complicated because that's what we were designed, and it's
Speaker 3: a beautiful, beautiful complication. We are right that we can
Speaker 3: were beautifully complicated, right, that we can do a lot
Speaker 3: of these things. Now, the problem is that the woman
Speaker 3: has a harder time in regulating the emotion.
Speaker 2: So I love when the man's.
Speaker 3: Like, oh, yes, I want to lean in, which I
Speaker 3: think is why my husband and I are so open
Speaker 3: and vulnerable about our story, and he is very much
Speaker 3: so about the things that he wished he could have
Speaker 3: done differently, And then it creates a safe place for
Speaker 3: the man to want to come in and say like,
Speaker 3: oh I want that, I want coaching.
Speaker 2: All right, let's let's let's do this.
Speaker 3: Let's let's really like turn this like living day by
Speaker 3: day to really from a surviving to a thriving mentality
Speaker 3: in our relationship.
Speaker 1: That's awesome, And that's one thing that I'm so grateful
Speaker 1: for that my partner at Medio, he's very willing and
Speaker 1: open and he's also okay with being vulnerable and showing
Speaker 1: his emotions. And I feel like that itself is worth
Speaker 1: it to me to keep even if we have things
Speaker 1: that we disagree on or I don't necessarily like let's say,
Speaker 1: I'm like, he is the first time ever that I
Speaker 1: have someone that is so willing and to walk me through,
Speaker 1: to hold my hand and say okay, it's okay, like
Speaker 1: for the first time, and it feels so good, which
Speaker 1: I think is why we've lasted so long because I'm
Speaker 1: a runner.
Speaker 4: I'm like, it's not.
Speaker 1: Working, see you later, like I saw it with my
Speaker 1: mom and it's like, okay, next, next, and I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: I don't want that. But he's like hold on, he
Speaker 1: pulls me in. He's like you know, and I think
Speaker 1: that that's awesome and I'm hoping, like I'm so happy
Speaker 1: to hear that you're saying that it's more men that
Speaker 1: are the ones that are looking for the counseling, for
Speaker 1: the coaching. I think that's awesome, and you know, round
Speaker 1: of applause for those men that aren't afraid to show
Speaker 1: their emotions. People have this, some people, especially Latinos, and
Speaker 1: let's talk about this a little bit, this negative connotation
Speaker 1: of therapy. Why do you feel that some people are
Speaker 1: hesitant or resistant to therapy?
Speaker 3: Yes, so, especially if we're going to go into the
Speaker 3: Latino culture. Actually, my dissertation was very much about marital
Speaker 3: satisfaction in Hispanic couples, and so I did a lot
Speaker 3: of study in the values.
Speaker 2: But we have like this in the Spanish is.
Speaker 3: Casa, you know, so like all of your dirty laundry,
Speaker 3: you're going to take care of it home, You're not
Speaker 3: going to air it out. And so we do that
Speaker 3: as a protective mechanism because there is a status, you know,
Speaker 3: like if I have an issue, that means that I'm
Speaker 3: not good enough.
Speaker 2: So it starts to hit that core truth value I'm
Speaker 2: not good enough.
Speaker 3: Or if my husband is a womanizer, that means that
Speaker 3: I'm not good enough as a woman. But it really
Speaker 3: comes from the culture of the machista, right. The machista
Speaker 3: is the more women, the more of a man you are,
Speaker 3: which is not true, Absolutely not right, Absolutely not true.
Speaker 2: No, it's a lie from the devil. That's not true. Right.
Speaker 4: The devil.
Speaker 2: Is being able to stay committed to your wife.
Speaker 3: That's that's what makes an amazing man, right, not one
Speaker 3: that is jumping from one one to another. So I
Speaker 3: think that just closes them off. And then if you
Speaker 3: add the religion component.
Speaker 2: It's like, then you don't have enough faith to believe
Speaker 2: that your problem can be fixed.
Speaker 3: But that's not true either, because you can have faith
Speaker 3: and psychology and they can coexist, actually need to coexist,
Speaker 3: as we can have faith to believe that we're going
Speaker 3: to be healed, but we also have to pick up.
Speaker 2: Our matt and do the work, and we also have
Speaker 2: to do our part to.
Speaker 3: Learn where the trauma was inserted, what happened with that
Speaker 3: light was inserted into our lives, heal from it so
Speaker 3: that we can continue walking in health. So I think
Speaker 3: that's why a lot of people are resistance, and they
Speaker 3: also have this sense of if I don't have it
Speaker 3: put all together, that must mean that I'm weak, But
Speaker 3: it really isn't. The reality is, and this is for everyone.
Speaker 3: We all have issues. But the ones that come in
Speaker 3: and say, hey, I really want to do something.
Speaker 2: Better, those are my heroes.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I'm like, man, you're a hero today because you're
Speaker 3: going to change the legacy of your family.
Speaker 1: Going back to the couple's therapy, what is the most
Speaker 1: common issue in couples? Would you say it's poor communication? Sex, finances?
Speaker 2: Well, the studies show that those are the top three
Speaker 2: that you descent. So are the top three.
Speaker 3: Reasons that a relationship would end up in a divorce.
Speaker 3: I haven't done the study in our own office to
Speaker 3: see how many come from each, but normally in a session,
Speaker 3: most of those come out.
Speaker 1: Is it like not enough intimacy? Like because for me,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about it, I'm like, okay, yes, sometimes you
Speaker 1: get so busy it's like, okay, we're not having enough sex,
Speaker 1: you know, or you know finance. So and I grew
Speaker 1: up thinking you shouldn't let go of a relationship unless
Speaker 1: they're like cheating on you over and over or like
Speaker 1: hitting you being physical mentally abusing you.
Speaker 4: But I always thought like.
Speaker 1: Okay, if we're not meeting I to ee in finances,
Speaker 1: let's say, is it okay or not okay?
Speaker 4: But like to let go of the relationship.
Speaker 3: Well, I mean, if you it depends on if it's
Speaker 3: a relationship or a marriage, because it's different. So if
Speaker 3: it's a relationship, absolutely, I mean you can totally. But
Speaker 3: if it's a marriage and it's now, you're not now
Speaker 3: you're entering into a lifelong contract.
Speaker 4: Like we talked about contracts, right, and so.
Speaker 3: There there's only certain reasons why you should really consider
Speaker 3: an even in that, especially if there are children. Would
Speaker 3: I I've seen even domestic violence. Not that I'm saying
Speaker 3: anyone in domestic violence needs to stick it out. I
Speaker 3: think they need to get into a safe place. But
Speaker 3: I even if there's healing, I've seen that restored. I've
Speaker 3: seen infidelity restored obviously, even for my own life.
Speaker 2: So it depends.
Speaker 3: If you are just in a dating relationship or even
Speaker 3: engage and you're not seeing eye to eye, then don't
Speaker 3: take the next step if you're not willing to make
Speaker 3: that come in. But if you're married, now that's really
Speaker 3: important that you really exhaust your resources before you make
Speaker 3: a decision.
Speaker 2: And that is also another thing that doesn't happen. People
Speaker 2: just like, well, I just I fell out of love.
Speaker 3: I said, nah, give me another reason, because you can
Speaker 3: fall back in love like and that just means that
Speaker 3: the emotional tank is empty, so we have to start
Speaker 3: filling it up again. And so that means that you've
Speaker 3: checked out. We got to check you back in. And
Speaker 3: so I've seen that happen. That's excuse, Oh I fell
Speaker 3: out of love.
Speaker 2: I'm like, nah, let's let's give me a I don't
Speaker 2: buy your reason. I don't buy it.
Speaker 3: Let's let's see what happened been here, and so yes,
Speaker 3: I mean, if you're going into marriage, you really need
Speaker 3: to think of it. It's like it's a lifelong commitment,
Speaker 3: it's a lifelong covenant, especially if you have and there's
Speaker 3: no shame for those that have been divorced. I'm actually
Speaker 3: you know, I'm a divorced woman. But I've seen both ends,
Speaker 3: the one that we are able to get be restored,
Speaker 3: and what life looks like with our children. And I
Speaker 3: also have children from another marriage and seeing their health
Speaker 3: is completely different. Like I do believe the generational curse
Speaker 3: is when you step in and do the work and
Speaker 3: correct the patterns so that your children don't have to
Speaker 3: deal with that. And so it would have been easy
Speaker 3: for me to step out and say I'm done because
Speaker 3: my husband was unfaithful.
Speaker 2: But there it goes again.
Speaker 3: So now my two older children are from one dad,
Speaker 3: my two second one for another dad, and mom's a
Speaker 3: single mom, and so the statistics are that my daughters
Speaker 3: are going.
Speaker 2: To go through the same thing.
Speaker 4: So you push through it.
Speaker 3: I pushed through, and I was going to go through
Speaker 3: the work, do the work. My husband was going to
Speaker 3: do the work, and now we're able to enjoy even
Speaker 3: our grand babies together, so.
Speaker 1: Your grand babies, and helping other people restore their marriages,
Speaker 1: which I think is absolaing just out of curiosity and
Speaker 1: not to take anything away from your your present, you
Speaker 1: know marriage, because it's you know, it's wonderful. But would
Speaker 1: you think if you guys, your first marriage, if you
Speaker 1: guys would have gone to therapy, do you think you
Speaker 1: could have saved that marriage?
Speaker 3: Absolutely on my husband and I we my husband and
Speaker 3: my current husband, and I talk about that all the
Speaker 3: time because people ask me, well, why the first why
Speaker 3: did the first marriage not work in the second one did?
Speaker 3: The difference was my first husband didn't was checked out,
Speaker 3: like he did not want to, he did not want
Speaker 3: anything to do with it. I was open to even
Speaker 3: though he was the one had been faithful. He he
Speaker 3: was unfaithful and he checked out. He actually ended up
Speaker 3: marrying the person he was unfaithful with. And so that's
Speaker 3: a whole other area of like forgiveness and all of
Speaker 3: that that I had to process. But he was checked out,
Speaker 3: he didn't want to. So with Rudy, he wanted to.
Speaker 3: He was he he wanted to and I.
Speaker 2: In other terms, I would say it this way.
Speaker 3: He was mad enough to look in the mirror and
Speaker 3: say I have issues that I need to work on,
Speaker 3: and I was able to do the same thing, and
Speaker 3: then we come together, and then we were able to
Speaker 3: live what we're living today nineteen years later.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Whoah, that takes base guys, Okay, excuse me, but it
Speaker 1: does for a man to say, you know what, especially
Speaker 1: a man I don't know, because we have this thing
Speaker 1: of men have to be you know, machosen no, you know,
Speaker 1: somebody's no yoa. But it's like when a man can
Speaker 1: say I need help, I want to change, that's freaking amazing. Okay, So, Tanya,
Speaker 1: how much of a difference can therapy really make in
Speaker 1: a in the success of a relationship or of a marriage.
Speaker 2: Should I say, oh, my goodness, it's day and night.
Speaker 3: If the couple that's coming in is doing the work,
Speaker 3: so when they come here, they come in here, whether
Speaker 3: they're doing if they're doing an intensive package, it could
Speaker 3: be you know, three hours, four hours if they wanted
Speaker 3: to do it. So some people will fly in to
Speaker 3: do things like that, but if not, it's like fifty
Speaker 3: minutes one session is fifty minutes.
Speaker 2: So in fifteen minutes, we're going to ask these questions,
Speaker 2: highlight it, come up with a solution, and apply action.
Speaker 2: We always have a plan of action. That's great.
Speaker 3: But if you go home and you don't and I
Speaker 3: don't see you for another week and you have not
Speaker 3: done one thing, well, it's not going to affect the
Speaker 3: marriage of anything. It's actually going to decrease the marriage
Speaker 3: satisfaction because one person, they're hearing what they're supposed to
Speaker 3: do and they're not doing it right. But if they
Speaker 3: go and they do the work and they're intentional and
Speaker 3: they're having you know, the meetings and they're having you
Speaker 3: know whatever they have to do right and they have
Speaker 3: to set their calendars or they need to have this
Speaker 3: way of communication, or they have to have more intimacy
Speaker 3: or date nights or whatever it is, and they do that. Oh,
Speaker 3: we have seen marriages go from the brink of divorce to.
Speaker 2: Like fully fully.
Speaker 3: Enjoying their families, their businesses, their ministries.
Speaker 2: And it is life changing. I mean, this is my
Speaker 2: life mission.
Speaker 3: Like if I were to die to day, I know
Speaker 3: that I've accomplished my mission because I've seen more couples
Speaker 3: restored and living in health than the ones that have
Speaker 3: been divorced after they put all this into practice.
Speaker 1: And I see it with my sister, I really I
Speaker 1: see it with my sister and her husband, and it's
Speaker 1: just it's beautiful to watch, you know, because I know
Speaker 1: what they went through, and but they really pushed through
Speaker 1: and they were both on the same page and they
Speaker 1: both wanted it. And Jackie said that sometimes she'd be
Speaker 1: so mad. She said, I'm so mad a Talian rudy
Speaker 1: right now. But then she was like, oh, I'm so grateful.
Speaker 1: She's like, actually, I went back and I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: I thought about it. So she's like, you, they went
Speaker 1: through all of the emotions with you, guys, and now
Speaker 1: I see the fruits of it, you know. And even
Speaker 1: you guys are the ones that married them. You know,
Speaker 1: they knew their vowels, guys, and it was such a
Speaker 1: beautiful ceremony. It just makes me happy. It makes me
Speaker 1: happy because my sister, we didn't see a healthy marriage,
Speaker 1: you guys, and no marriage is perfect. But she's really
Speaker 1: worked so hard and making this work. And I see
Speaker 1: them and they're in such a good place and I'm
Speaker 1: praying that it just gets better. So I thank you
Speaker 1: guys for that, because you guys really of course, God,
Speaker 1: but you guys really guided them, and I think it's wonderful,
Speaker 1: which is why now I'm like, okay, I'm in your hands.
Speaker 2: Yes, well we counted our privilege. I mean, really counteraprivileged
Speaker 2: to be able to walk with people.
Speaker 3: In their darkest times. It's a privilege, it's a responsibility.
Speaker 3: We don't take that lightly. And the thing with like
Speaker 3: your sister and Mike, like with Jackie and Mike, is
Speaker 3: that at any time when they start to feel any friction,
Speaker 3: if they need to pick up the call, we do
Speaker 3: a quick like adjustment, you know, like when your back
Speaker 3: is out of whack and you go to the chiropract
Speaker 3: you get adjusted, and it's like, oh that's it, that's it, Okay,
Speaker 3: We're ready for another five years, you know.
Speaker 2: And so they have a safe place.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's awesome. I believe refresher. We all need it,
Speaker 4: that's right.
Speaker 3: And so if you're intentional and you have that like
Speaker 3: we're committed and we're going to make work at this,
Speaker 3: I mean, it just.
Speaker 2: Becomes such a beautiful life of exploration.
Speaker 3: Because in every season, you're going to explore that new
Speaker 3: season as a husband and wife.
Speaker 1: Oh it's beautiful. And just before I let you go.
Speaker 1: For those who can't get their partner into a therapy session,
Speaker 1: do you have any tips on how to talk about
Speaker 1: issues without having it escalated into a fight.
Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 3: First of all, if we both can understand that we're
Speaker 3: a team, right, the both are a team. So it's
Speaker 3: not we're fighting against each other. We are work with
Speaker 3: each other, fighting against the issue.
Speaker 4: Okay, okay.
Speaker 3: And so that's a big thing because sometimes we personalize
Speaker 3: the issue instead of like it's it's so internalized that
Speaker 3: we make the person the issue, but it's not.
Speaker 2: It's the behavior.
Speaker 3: So even something as like even writing it out on something,
Speaker 3: you're externalizing finances. So you put it out and so like, hey,
Speaker 3: how together can we look at finances and how can
Speaker 3: we make this work?
Speaker 2: Instead of you spend too much money?
Speaker 3: No, but this, and you don't you know, you're controlling
Speaker 3: and you go back and forth, back and forth. You're
Speaker 3: attacking each other, but you're not really even dealing with
Speaker 3: the actual issue, which is finances. We were on this
Speaker 3: finance talk, right, so what does finance mean? Hey, we
Speaker 3: need these finances, we have these goals. Now we start
Speaker 3: talking through this issue of finances with a solution focused
Speaker 3: rather than focusing on each other that you're the problem. Yeah,
Speaker 3: because as soon as someone feels attacked, they shut down.
Speaker 3: I mean, no one wants to be at time, No
Speaker 3: one wants to be called a liar, no one wants
Speaker 3: to be called a manipulator.
Speaker 2: All the words that we use when we're angry people
Speaker 2: don't they shut down. They'll shut down or they'll escalate.
Speaker 3: And so I think that's really being able to externalize
Speaker 3: the behavior looking at it like this is the issue,
Speaker 3: and together, we're holding hands and we're going to see
Speaker 3: how we're going to make this work for us instead
Speaker 3: of us fighting against each other. So the gloves, the
Speaker 3: boxing gloves should be towards the behavior, not towards each other.
Speaker 4: Ooh and guys, let me tell you that was a
Speaker 4: big one for me. I was like, hold on, It's
Speaker 4: like I ride away.
Speaker 1: I had my boxing gloves on my hold up, I'm ready,
Speaker 1: I'm ready, you know, And it's like wait a second, No,
Speaker 1: I have to move away from seeing like or trying
Speaker 1: to fight with a medio. It's like him against I.
Speaker 1: It's more of like, okay, we have to choose to
Speaker 1: really figure out a solution for this situation or whatever
Speaker 1: it is that's bothering us. And that was a huge,
Speaker 1: I don't know, epiphany for me where I'm like, oh wow, okay,
Speaker 1: wait what you just said really helped me a lot
Speaker 1: where I was like, oh my gosh, okay, yeah, you're right.
Speaker 1: You know, we're holding each other's hand and say we're
Speaker 1: doing this together. So that those are two big things. Tanya,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. I really enjoyed our conversation. And
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful because I know you're busy for you
Speaker 1: to take the time to come on the podcast, and
Speaker 1: you know, I thought it was people to hear me
Speaker 1: talking about therapy all the time. I talk about it
Speaker 1: so much. I'm like, why not have my therapist on.
Speaker 3: So I am so excited, thank you, and thank you
Speaker 3: for the privilege to allow me to walk with you.
Speaker 3: That I accounted a privilege and honor and I just
Speaker 3: love to see how you're making strides and become emotionally
Speaker 3: healthy and really seeing life from a different perspective, and
Speaker 3: so thank you for that privilege that you've given to me.
Speaker 3: So and even to be here on the show and
Speaker 3: being able to share some of my personal experiences along
Speaker 3: as well of my professional experiences.
Speaker 2: So thank you.
Speaker 1: Oh before you go, can you please share your website
Speaker 1: with us so people that are looking for therapy, couples
Speaker 1: therapy or whatnot can reach out to you.
Speaker 3: Yes, you can find us at Breath of Life Foundation
Speaker 3: dot info I NFO.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Thank you you guys, And before we go,
Speaker 1: you know I always leave you with a motivational quote
Speaker 1: to end each episode, So cue the music, here we go.
Speaker 1: So here is the quote for this episode. It's fairly
Speaker 1: quick and to the point. Invest in your mind, invest
Speaker 1: in your health, invest in yourself and you, guys, therapy
Speaker 1: is a great investment, one you will never regret. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much, Tanya, You guys, thank you again for
Speaker 1: being here on this episode of Cheeky's and Michel. I
Speaker 1: hope you enjoyed it. Los quiro mucos. Do you need
Speaker 1: advice on love, relationships, health emails? I'm so excited to
Speaker 1: share with you that my Cheeky's and Chill podcast will
Speaker 1: have an extra episode drop each week. I'll be answering
Speaker 1: all your questions. Just leave me a voice message, person, Menday,
Speaker 1: All you have to do is go to speak pipe
Speaker 1: dot Com, slash Cheeky's and Chill podcast and record your questions.
Speaker 4: I can't wait to hear from you.
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