WEBVTT - Lessons from Premarital Counseling 0:00:03.320 --> 0:00:07.520 With pre marital counseling, are we going to prepare ourselves 0:00:07.520 --> 0:00:09.680 to get married or are we still like that pre 0:00:10.000 --> 0:00:12.480 engagement where we're like, okay, is this gonna work? 0:00:13.119 --> 0:00:15.520 A lot of times we come from broken homes. 0:00:15.680 --> 0:00:20.280 Then when we come into a dating relationship, now we're romanticizing. 0:00:20.440 --> 0:00:23.040 An unhealthy relationship gets familiar to us. 0:00:23.600 --> 0:00:24.319 And in Spanish is. 0:00:25.840 --> 0:00:29.040 And casa, we do that as a protective mechanism because 0:00:29.080 --> 0:00:31.560 there is a status. If my husband is a womanizer, 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:33.160 that means that I'm not good enough as a woman. 0:00:33.280 --> 0:00:34.440 But it really comes from. 0:00:34.320 --> 0:00:39.800 The culture of the machistam Hey guys, Happy Monday and 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:42.720 Happy December. This year is about to fly by, so 0:00:42.800 --> 0:00:44.839 I hope you guys are getting ready to welcome the 0:00:45.000 --> 0:00:49.120 new year. I'm really looking forward to today's episode because 0:00:49.280 --> 0:00:52.120 we're going to be hearing from my therapist. I can't 0:00:52.120 --> 0:00:54.120 wait for you all to meet her and hear all 0:00:54.160 --> 0:00:58.280 about pre marital counseling and even pre engagement counseling. So, 0:00:58.320 --> 0:01:01.360 without further ado, let's get the show started. This is 0:01:01.440 --> 0:01:10.040 Cheeky's and Chill. I am so excited to introduce today's guest. 0:01:10.160 --> 0:01:10.800 Her name is. 0:01:10.760 --> 0:01:14.800 Tanya Faniagua and she is the founder and CEO of 0:01:14.840 --> 0:01:18.520 the Breath of Life Foundation in Irvine, California, and she's 0:01:18.520 --> 0:01:22.200 also my therapist and my sister's therapist as well. I've 0:01:22.240 --> 0:01:24.280 been working with her for about a year and a 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:27.319 half now and it has literally changed my life. 0:01:27.440 --> 0:01:29.640 Welcome to the podcast, Tanya. 0:01:30.000 --> 0:01:31.800 I am so excited to be here with you. 0:01:32.440 --> 0:01:34.319 I am so excited. We had a session you guys 0:01:34.319 --> 0:01:38.600 this morning. Just FYI. So I've been working with Tanya 0:01:39.400 --> 0:01:41.319 for about a year, right year and a half something 0:01:41.360 --> 0:01:44.039 like that, Tanya, about a year. Yes, So how I 0:01:44.160 --> 0:01:49.080 met Tanya was through my sister Jackie. She's also my sister, 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:52.840 Jackie's therapist and my sister. For Christmas was it Christmas 0:01:52.960 --> 0:01:54.200 or my Birthday, I don't know, she gave me a 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:57.560 gift card and it was five sessions with Tanya. So 0:01:57.600 --> 0:01:59.880 that's how I met her, and she says, Sister, I 0:02:00.040 --> 0:02:01.240 want to give you this, and it was one of 0:02:01.280 --> 0:02:04.080 the best gifts ever because I've been able to just 0:02:04.360 --> 0:02:07.880 confide and feel so much better after every conversation with Tanya. 0:02:07.920 --> 0:02:11.520 She's helped me through quite a bit, especially with my relationship. 0:02:11.720 --> 0:02:14.160 So I wanted to bring her on because Emilio and 0:02:14.200 --> 0:02:17.400 I just started a couple's therapy and her and her 0:02:17.480 --> 0:02:21.560 husband do couples therapy and I really enjoyed it. Oh 0:02:21.560 --> 0:02:23.799 it's not even couple therapy, it's pre marital you guys, 0:02:23.840 --> 0:02:28.040 I'm engaged, so it's pre marital. It's pre marital therapy 0:02:28.560 --> 0:02:31.680 or counseling, should I say. And it's been pretty cool 0:02:32.000 --> 0:02:35.800 and she's helped me so much. And I met her husband, Rudy. Well, 0:02:35.800 --> 0:02:37.440 I've known them for a while. I've seen them at 0:02:37.440 --> 0:02:40.520 parties and like gatherings and stuff. So now I wanted 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:43.960 to talk about this because in our first session, Tanya 0:02:44.560 --> 0:02:48.799 told me about pre engagement counseling, something I didn't even 0:02:48.800 --> 0:02:52.720 know existed. So let's just you know, ask the question, 0:02:53.040 --> 0:02:55.240 have I been a good counsel lye. 0:02:55.360 --> 0:02:58.120 Yes, I think you have been an amazing counselor. And 0:02:58.200 --> 0:03:01.360 what makes an amazing counseling is why that's open, has 0:03:02.000 --> 0:03:06.840 a posture of humility to receive instruction that is able 0:03:06.880 --> 0:03:10.520 to then see their areas of growth and then also 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:13.160 lean into those areas that need to be strengthened. 0:03:13.440 --> 0:03:16.200 So you've done an amazing job, and it's we're working 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:16.560 on it. 0:03:16.919 --> 0:03:19.440 Yes, we're working on it. We're working I think the 0:03:19.520 --> 0:03:21.440 most important thing, you guys, and you guys know, I 0:03:21.480 --> 0:03:24.280 always say that I'm a huge advocate for counseling, for therapy, 0:03:24.880 --> 0:03:26.680 and I think it's something that we all need for 0:03:26.680 --> 0:03:29.320 the rest of our lives, you know. And since I 0:03:29.400 --> 0:03:31.600 do this, and I do so many things, I feel 0:03:31.600 --> 0:03:35.360 like when I speak to Tanya, I am recharging my batteries, 0:03:35.400 --> 0:03:38.640 I'm refreshing my memory. It just helps me speak and 0:03:38.680 --> 0:03:40.960 then she gives me feedback. And I think it's something 0:03:41.040 --> 0:03:42.440 I have to do for the I want to do 0:03:42.480 --> 0:03:44.000 for the rest of my life. And you have to 0:03:44.040 --> 0:03:47.520 be willing to be vulnerable, you guys, and be completely honest. 0:03:47.880 --> 0:03:48.360 And I have. 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:51.560 She knows all my secrets, okay, and thank goodness for 0:03:51.680 --> 0:03:54.280 confidentiality because she can't ever say anything, of course, and 0:03:54.440 --> 0:03:56.440 she would never She's not that type of person anyways. 0:03:56.880 --> 0:04:00.119 But I think that what has helped me personally is 0:04:00.160 --> 0:04:03.760 being very honest and even saying things about myself that 0:04:03.840 --> 0:04:06.520 I probably I am not proud of. But that's what's 0:04:06.560 --> 0:04:08.200 going to help you guys. That's what's going to change 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:10.080 is when you're completely honest. So I just wanted to 0:04:10.080 --> 0:04:12.000 get that out of the way. Anyways, going back to 0:04:12.600 --> 0:04:15.400 pre engagement, can we touch on that just a little bit, 0:04:15.440 --> 0:04:17.920 because I sure didn't know that existed. 0:04:18.480 --> 0:04:22.600 Yeah, So it's something that we like to practice here 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:28.039 in our organization because oftentimes when you start a relationship 0:04:28.080 --> 0:04:31.159 and then you go into a deeper sense of relationship 0:04:31.200 --> 0:04:35.040 and now becomes a romantic relationship, we oftentimes don't take 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:38.680 a moment to really think about what's bonding us, and 0:04:38.760 --> 0:04:43.400 so there is this idea of trauma bonding. So basically 0:04:43.440 --> 0:04:47.239 what that means is I am broken and I become 0:04:47.279 --> 0:04:51.560 a magnet to those other people that are broken, and 0:04:51.600 --> 0:04:55.800 so I receive something from the other person's brokenness. 0:04:55.800 --> 0:04:57.880 But we don't really take a moment to see and. 0:04:57.960 --> 0:05:02.080 Analyze is this a healthy relationship or why am I 0:05:02.160 --> 0:05:06.400 bonding to this other person? So in pre engagement we 0:05:06.480 --> 0:05:08.279 have a chance to look at that. Is it really 0:05:08.360 --> 0:05:11.799 trauma bonding or is it authentic bonding? Are you healthy? 0:05:11.800 --> 0:05:16.799 Have you done individual work? Because you have more time 0:05:16.880 --> 0:05:19.760 to explore this rather than if you just go in 0:05:20.080 --> 0:05:23.360 and go through your engagement, you know, put a ring 0:05:23.440 --> 0:05:26.000 on it and then make it public. There is a 0:05:26.160 --> 0:05:30.160 lot of stress and expectations for the wedding date. 0:05:30.760 --> 0:05:32.840 Oh my gosh, yes, right, there's a. 0:05:32.760 --> 0:05:35.359 Lot of and everyone's asking you when you're gonna get married, 0:05:35.360 --> 0:05:36.839 and you're like, oh, if you don't even know the 0:05:36.880 --> 0:05:39.800 red flags I'm seeing, right, And so we can't even 0:05:39.839 --> 0:05:42.800 say that right because it's kind of embarrassing because it 0:05:42.800 --> 0:05:45.440 makes us feel like, wait, how come I didn't see 0:05:45.480 --> 0:05:46.240 those red flags? 0:05:46.240 --> 0:05:48.159 And now I'm committed? How do I pull out of this? 0:05:48.640 --> 0:05:50.520 And then I look like a failure and all these 0:05:50.560 --> 0:05:54.360 other things that can come into play for that decision. 0:05:54.480 --> 0:05:57.479 So we like to take it a step further and start. 0:05:57.279 --> 0:06:00.880 Earlier in the process so that if those do come up, 0:06:01.000 --> 0:06:03.880 we can deal with them and you still have a 0:06:03.960 --> 0:06:07.599 way out of the relationship without the whole world knowing 0:06:07.600 --> 0:06:08.360 that you're engaged. 0:06:08.960 --> 0:06:10.920 When when do you do this? Is it six months 0:06:10.960 --> 0:06:11.880 into the relationship? 0:06:11.960 --> 0:06:14.640 Like how do you get people to say, hey, before 0:06:15.240 --> 0:06:17.479 I asked my girl to get engaged? 0:06:17.800 --> 0:06:19.800 When do you guys recommend it? 0:06:20.320 --> 0:06:23.120 Yeah, so you start today and then when it starts 0:06:23.160 --> 0:06:26.680 going into that next dreaming phase of like, oh, I 0:06:26.720 --> 0:06:29.560 could see myself with you for the rest of my 0:06:29.680 --> 0:06:32.200 life like that that is a conversation, right. 0:06:32.080 --> 0:06:33.000 That's a conversation. 0:06:33.720 --> 0:06:36.800 Or you'll start dreaming together, or you might even start 0:06:36.839 --> 0:06:39.640 like ring shopping together, and so. 0:06:40.560 --> 0:06:42.080 That's doing hints and stuff. 0:06:42.360 --> 0:06:44.080 Yes, right in there. 0:06:43.880 --> 0:06:46.360 It's like, okay, you know, well, let's do ourselves a 0:06:46.440 --> 0:06:49.280 favor and let's let's invest before we invest in the ring, 0:06:49.360 --> 0:06:51.800 let's invest in our emotional health. 0:06:51.600 --> 0:06:52.400 To see where we're at. 0:06:52.760 --> 0:06:56.159 Because a lot of times we come from broken homes, right, 0:06:56.279 --> 0:07:01.560 and so we are attached to unhealp healthy relationships because it's. 0:07:01.400 --> 0:07:02.760 What's familiar to us. 0:07:03.560 --> 0:07:07.039 And so then when we come into a dating relationship 0:07:07.040 --> 0:07:12.400 and a serious dating relationship, now we're romanticizing an unhealthy relationship. 0:07:12.400 --> 0:07:13.520 Be gaut's familiar to us. 0:07:13.600 --> 0:07:15.400 Yes, oh my gosh. 0:07:15.520 --> 0:07:18.000 Now we come in. We're not experts in your life. 0:07:18.120 --> 0:07:20.120 You're the experts in your life. But we start to 0:07:20.440 --> 0:07:22.760 ask questions and things start to come to the surface, 0:07:22.800 --> 0:07:24.680 Like in our sessions, things start to come to the surface. 0:07:24.720 --> 0:07:26.880 I'm never an expert in Cheeky's life. 0:07:26.920 --> 0:07:29.920 I will never be, because you are uniquely designed. You're 0:07:30.040 --> 0:07:33.080 very different than I am. But I do have the 0:07:33.120 --> 0:07:36.920 expertise and asking the questions to highlight some of these things. 0:07:37.000 --> 0:07:43.600 And you're like oh oh, oh. 0:07:41.600 --> 0:07:43.680 Oh, a light bulb turns on. 0:07:45.000 --> 0:07:48.400 And so that's what we love to do with couples 0:07:48.440 --> 0:07:50.200 that are doing pre engagement counseling. 0:07:50.600 --> 0:07:53.640 How does a person know, hey, I need some therapy 0:07:53.720 --> 0:07:56.040 or some counseling, Like what are some indications or some 0:07:56.160 --> 0:07:58.760 things that you should say, Hey, if you're feeling this way, 0:07:58.920 --> 0:08:01.720 if you're thinking this, you need counseling. 0:08:02.080 --> 0:08:04.680 Yes, So, like, if they're in a relationship, I'll do 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:06.920 it from that place and then I'll tell you. So 0:08:07.040 --> 0:08:09.240 if they're in a relationship, like in a dating relationship, 0:08:09.280 --> 0:08:12.240 and you start to look at the relationship like oh, 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:15.280 he's saving me, And I'm gonna talk like from my perspective, right, 0:08:15.400 --> 0:08:18.040 So when I met Rudy, I was a single mom 0:08:18.080 --> 0:08:21.120 with two kids, and so when he came into my life, 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:23.400 I was like, oh my gosh, somebody wants me with 0:08:23.440 --> 0:08:25.360 baggage because everyone told me that they weren't gonna want 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:27.440 me with like you know, I'm a broken relationship and 0:08:27.480 --> 0:08:30.440 I'm coming with two children into this relationship. So I 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:33.520 had this idea like, Wow, he's saving me. And then 0:08:33.559 --> 0:08:36.400 he starts to express interest and really tries to build me, 0:08:36.440 --> 0:08:38.920 and I'm like, wy he might be fixing me, like 0:08:38.960 --> 0:08:41.200 now I have a reason to live, Like there's a 0:08:41.280 --> 0:08:45.079 validation of my existence. That's not healthy, Like the way 0:08:45.120 --> 0:08:48.400 I met Rudy is not healthy at all. Right, And 0:08:48.440 --> 0:08:53.400 then there's a rollercoaster of chaotic, unpredictable emotions. You use 0:08:53.480 --> 0:08:58.720 things like you complete me. Nobody should ever complete anybody. 0:08:58.720 --> 0:09:02.760 It's really from your whole right, and someone else is homeless. 0:09:02.840 --> 0:09:05.480 We come and we compliment each other, but we don't 0:09:05.480 --> 0:09:06.280 complete each other. 0:09:06.559 --> 0:09:07.760 Dang. And so Rudy was. 0:09:07.760 --> 0:09:10.960 Coming to complete me, was coming to complete my family 0:09:11.080 --> 0:09:14.160 as a stepfather stepping in. And then there's this other 0:09:14.320 --> 0:09:17.600 idea of I betray myself and all of my needs 0:09:17.640 --> 0:09:20.080 to receive his love. So I lay down my life 0:09:20.480 --> 0:09:23.320 as long as he's happy. But I'm thinking this is 0:09:23.920 --> 0:09:25.040 selfless love. 0:09:25.440 --> 0:09:27.120 And it really isn't. It's trauma bonding. 0:09:27.800 --> 0:09:29.400 And then when I really look at it and I 0:09:29.400 --> 0:09:31.400 look at the relationship, it really mirrors a lot of 0:09:31.400 --> 0:09:33.640 the patterning of my childhood experience. 0:09:34.280 --> 0:09:34.920 Yeah, I was. 0:09:35.040 --> 0:09:37.040 I was starting to repeat a lot of the stuff 0:09:37.080 --> 0:09:39.360 that I had seen growing up, and not just growing 0:09:39.480 --> 0:09:42.120 up in my first relationship, So whoa, you know, I 0:09:42.160 --> 0:09:44.280 saw it growing up. I saw it in my first marriage, 0:09:44.320 --> 0:09:46.000 and now I see it in my second marriage. 0:09:46.400 --> 0:09:47.960 So it looks. 0:09:47.640 --> 0:09:50.840 Great, we get married and then it blows up. For 0:09:50.880 --> 0:09:53.080 the first three years of our marriage, we were not 0:09:53.200 --> 0:09:55.000 just kyind of blend of family, but we were coming 0:09:55.040 --> 0:09:57.040 in with our baggage. We didn't know how much baggage 0:09:57.080 --> 0:09:59.679 we had. I had never done individual work. I wasn't 0:09:59.679 --> 0:10:01.400 even a therapist, a counselor. 0:10:01.440 --> 0:10:04.079 I was nothing. I was just Tanya, a. 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:06.960 Single mom with two babies, an eleven year old and 0:10:07.000 --> 0:10:10.400 a six year old. And when all hell breaks loose, 0:10:10.640 --> 0:10:14.640 he I get pregnant. I remember telling him in the 0:10:14.679 --> 0:10:18.040 car on the phone, Hey, I'm pregnant, like thinking, shoot, 0:10:18.080 --> 0:10:20.600 he's probably thinking I'm gonna I'm pregnant, like I'm saying this, 0:10:20.720 --> 0:10:22.920 or he can come home. But I really was pregnant, 0:10:22.960 --> 0:10:25.520 and that was like my whole journey with our first 0:10:25.600 --> 0:10:28.640 child together. And then at the end of that it 0:10:28.720 --> 0:10:32.880 was so chaotic, so toxic that he leaves and then 0:10:32.920 --> 0:10:37.319 he's unfaithful and he's a un faithful twice during my pregnancy, 0:10:37.800 --> 0:10:40.200 and so what I thought was a man that was 0:10:40.240 --> 0:10:42.840 going to come fix me was really no, Like that's 0:10:42.960 --> 0:10:45.080 not that was not at all authentic love. 0:10:45.559 --> 0:10:46.439 So why do I. 0:10:46.400 --> 0:10:48.600 Share this is because I didn't know that I was 0:10:48.640 --> 0:10:52.840 coming into the relationship with so much baggage. So I 0:10:52.880 --> 0:10:54.760 would have loved for someone to say, like, hold on 0:10:54.840 --> 0:10:57.160 a second, like just relax for a moment, Let's take 0:10:57.200 --> 0:10:59.280 it slow, let's look inside, let's see some of. 0:10:59.280 --> 0:11:01.360 The things you to heal from your first marriage. 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:05.000 Because my first husband was also unfaithful to me, and 0:11:05.120 --> 0:11:07.320 if I look back even further, my father was an 0:11:07.440 --> 0:11:10.960 unfaithful man. So who's the common denominator, tanya is? 0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:11.800 Oh geez. 0:11:12.800 --> 0:11:15.920 So it doesn't mean that I deserve this, right, it 0:11:16.040 --> 0:11:18.480 means that there's a brokenness in me that attracts these 0:11:18.559 --> 0:11:23.079 kind of men and makes that's a familiar relationship even 0:11:23.120 --> 0:11:25.720 though it's not healthy. So that kind of answers the 0:11:25.720 --> 0:11:27.800 second part of the question, right, like when you start 0:11:27.880 --> 0:11:33.880 to have familiarity with just unhealthiness and sometimes you don't 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:37.880 know that. On a personal note, it's like low self esteem. 0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:41.200 If you start to feel like anxious or depressed or 0:11:41.320 --> 0:11:45.120 you have you are a person that reacts rather than responds. 0:11:45.640 --> 0:11:47.480 There are things in there that really need to be 0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:49.640 healed because a lot of times we have soul wounds 0:11:49.679 --> 0:11:52.400 that are not healed, you know, from our childhood that 0:11:52.440 --> 0:11:55.600 we bring into the relationships or even into our life 0:11:55.640 --> 0:11:56.439 as we grow older. 0:11:56.520 --> 0:11:59.360 So and that's kind of where we're at now with 0:11:59.480 --> 0:12:01.800 the media and now that we're engaged. I thought it 0:12:01.840 --> 0:12:05.240 was very important because our relationship isn't perfect. I think 0:12:05.640 --> 0:12:09.200 this is the healthiest relationship I've been in and my 0:12:09.240 --> 0:12:11.640 past relationships, and it's not even like I'm saying, like 0:12:11.960 --> 0:12:14.960 we're working Emido and I. The good thing here is 0:12:15.000 --> 0:12:19.000 that we're both intentional in we believe in therapy. He 0:12:19.040 --> 0:12:22.560 does his therapy, I do mine, and we understand that 0:12:23.240 --> 0:12:26.960 we need to be healthy. I more than ever understand. 0:12:26.960 --> 0:12:30.120 Before I was very codependent, I was very needy, and 0:12:30.480 --> 0:12:33.840 i've in my like I realized that in my last relationship, 0:12:33.880 --> 0:12:35.679 and I said, I want to make a change. I 0:12:35.720 --> 0:12:40.480 really want to be whole in myself and not feel 0:12:40.640 --> 0:12:42.880 anka like I want to be my whole orange, you 0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:44.800 know what I mean, Like I want to be you know, 0:12:44.880 --> 0:12:47.120 and I've I've been working on that. So I think 0:12:47.400 --> 0:12:50.080 now that we're engaged, and you know, marriage is a 0:12:50.160 --> 0:12:52.839 huge commitment. I've done it once and unfortunately it didn't 0:12:52.880 --> 0:12:55.560 work or fortunately, whatever it is, what it is, I 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:57.280 don't regret it because I learned so much from it. 0:12:57.720 --> 0:13:00.000 But now it's like, Okay, this is It's a huge 0:13:00.120 --> 0:13:02.080 commitment and I want to do it right, and I 0:13:02.120 --> 0:13:05.080 know there are things within myself that I want to heal. 0:13:05.160 --> 0:13:08.160 I need to heal, like you said, Tanya, like stuff 0:13:08.160 --> 0:13:11.120 that I grew up seeing. You know, no one's perfect, 0:13:11.160 --> 0:13:14.240 and I learned a lot of things and I saw 0:13:14.360 --> 0:13:15.319 quite a bit of stuff. 0:13:15.440 --> 0:13:18.200 So that's where we're at now. We're doing primarito. 0:13:25.000 --> 0:13:28.720 It's something I haven't even asked you privately, but with 0:13:28.840 --> 0:13:33.360 pre marital counseling, are we going to we're going to 0:13:33.400 --> 0:13:35.840 prepare ourselves to get married? Or are we still like 0:13:35.960 --> 0:13:38.840 that kind of like that pre engagement where we're like, okay, 0:13:38.920 --> 0:13:42.600 is this gonna work? Because I did that whole survey right, 0:13:42.640 --> 0:13:45.080 it's a bunch of questions you guys, and I was like, wow, 0:13:45.160 --> 0:13:47.520 are we I want to know that we're equally yoked? 0:13:47.960 --> 0:13:49.680 Is that what we're going to find out with the 0:13:49.679 --> 0:13:52.120 primarital Like, okay, you guys are ready to get married? 0:13:52.640 --> 0:13:55.160 Yes, So what we do in that assessment is in 0:13:55.720 --> 0:13:58.240 the computer generates the report and then we put that 0:13:58.320 --> 0:14:00.960 out in front of you and then start to try and. 0:14:00.920 --> 0:14:02.440 Walk through some of these things. 0:14:03.000 --> 0:14:06.640 So as we're able to come to resolutions and plans 0:14:06.640 --> 0:14:09.840 of actions for these things, then we're able to say like, okay, 0:14:09.880 --> 0:14:11.679 are you guys ready to take the next step. So 0:14:11.720 --> 0:14:14.480 it's not necessarily for us to say that. It's more 0:14:14.520 --> 0:14:17.200 for you to look at it and say, oh, no, 0:14:17.559 --> 0:14:20.520 I can't budge on this. This is non negotiable for me, 0:14:20.680 --> 0:14:24.760 and this is negotiable for her right or for him, 0:14:24.840 --> 0:14:26.960 And so this is where we start to do that. 0:14:27.280 --> 0:14:30.320 But those are conversations that normally don't happen outside of 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:34.600 the counseling office because no one really talks about your values. 0:14:34.640 --> 0:14:36.960 A lot of people don't even have personal values. They 0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:39.800 haven't taken time to do values right, So values non 0:14:39.800 --> 0:14:43.080 negotiables in your life. And so then since we don't 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:45.840 take that time to know that about ourselves, someone else 0:14:45.880 --> 0:14:48.680 comes and imposes their values, not in a mean way, 0:14:48.720 --> 0:14:50.920 it just oh, that sounds great, let's just make life 0:14:50.920 --> 0:14:52.560 like that. And then you're like, wait, I'm not being 0:14:52.560 --> 0:14:56.160 true to myself. So in this assessment, as we continue 0:14:56.240 --> 0:14:59.480 to walk together, we will highlight these things and it'll 0:14:59.520 --> 0:15:01.600 show you the things that you're super combatible with and 0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:03.600 there's things that oh, okay, this is an area that 0:15:03.680 --> 0:15:05.920 we're really going to focus on to see if we 0:15:05.960 --> 0:15:08.000 can get you into a place of agreement. 0:15:08.400 --> 0:15:10.920 Not necessarily of I agree with you. 0:15:10.880 --> 0:15:13.080 One hundred percent, because you're not going to lose your essence, 0:15:13.080 --> 0:15:16.800 but I'm comfortable enough that together we'll be able. 0:15:16.600 --> 0:15:19.680 To walk this. Okay, that's where the compromising comes in. 0:15:19.760 --> 0:15:23.280 Yeah, that's the compromising comes in without really compromising your essence, 0:15:23.280 --> 0:15:25.400 because you don't want to compromise your essence, because then 0:15:25.680 --> 0:15:27.680 that's what happens a lot of times. And then like 0:15:27.760 --> 0:15:30.480 ten years down the line, the essence is wanting to 0:15:30.520 --> 0:15:32.400 come out and it can't, you know, and it finally 0:15:32.440 --> 0:15:34.360 does and it ruptures, and it's like, I can't live 0:15:34.440 --> 0:15:35.120 like this anymore. 0:15:35.280 --> 0:15:37.680 Yes, because I feel like I finally understood, like I 0:15:37.760 --> 0:15:41.440 want to be myself and I want to make sure 0:15:41.440 --> 0:15:44.520 that I'm my best self for my person first of all, 0:15:44.560 --> 0:15:47.600 for myself, but also to have a healthy relationship, you know. 0:15:47.760 --> 0:15:49.920 And when we were doing this assessment, he did his 0:15:49.960 --> 0:15:51.680 own you guys, I called it a survey, but it's 0:15:51.760 --> 0:15:54.960 an assessment, is a correct word, Thank you, Tanya. But 0:15:55.640 --> 0:15:57.880 it was very long and it was very thorough, and 0:15:57.960 --> 0:15:59.480 it had me thinking. I was like, I need to 0:15:59.480 --> 0:16:01.760 be one hundred percent honest right now. Like I would 0:16:01.760 --> 0:16:03.680 go back and I would reread it, and sometimes they 0:16:03.680 --> 0:16:05.200 would ask you the question in a different way and 0:16:05.240 --> 0:16:07.880 I'm like, okay, Like, but it really made you think. 0:16:07.920 --> 0:16:10.840 And we never shared our answers. He did his own 0:16:10.920 --> 0:16:13.840 at his own time. I did my own, and I'm like, cause, 0:16:13.880 --> 0:16:17.800 I really really want to really figure this out, you know. 0:16:17.800 --> 0:16:20.400 I'm like, I don't want to ever waste anyone's time. 0:16:20.600 --> 0:16:23.440 And this is important because we're going to talk about okay, 0:16:23.680 --> 0:16:27.200 the children, finances, like stuff that's hard to talk about, 0:16:27.240 --> 0:16:29.880 you guys, but that I think is very necessary, having 0:16:30.000 --> 0:16:35.080 uncomfortable conversations to figure out your future together. And I 0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:37.160 think that that's we're both on the same page. And 0:16:37.200 --> 0:16:39.040 I didn't even What I loved is I didn't even 0:16:39.040 --> 0:16:41.400 have to convince the media to do premarital counseling. He 0:16:41.480 --> 0:16:43.000 was all in, He's like, let's do it. He's been 0:16:43.000 --> 0:16:45.320 wanting to do couple's therapy for a while. We just 0:16:45.360 --> 0:16:49.080 didn't find the right people. And now, thank goodness, we 0:16:49.160 --> 0:16:51.760 have you guys. But that's one of the questions I had. 0:16:51.800 --> 0:16:53.440 I'm like, Okay, then I guess we're going to just 0:16:53.480 --> 0:16:55.840 have to look and say, okay, well, this is where 0:16:55.840 --> 0:16:57.560 we're combatible, this is where we got to work on, 0:16:58.000 --> 0:17:01.200 and then we make the final decision absolutely. 0:17:00.840 --> 0:17:04.320 And then what happens when somebody like when one party 0:17:04.520 --> 0:17:06.600 really wants to go to counseling and the other one's like, 0:17:06.600 --> 0:17:09.159 oh no, that's not for me, right, Like, how do 0:17:09.200 --> 0:17:11.680 you do that? And it's not necessarily a convincing it's 0:17:11.720 --> 0:17:14.959 really like, this is an our best interest because I 0:17:15.000 --> 0:17:18.720 think a lot of people will shy away from counseling 0:17:18.880 --> 0:17:23.000 when they feel that someone's trying to fix them. See, 0:17:23.080 --> 0:17:24.960 my job as a counselor is never to come and 0:17:25.000 --> 0:17:25.359 fix you. 0:17:25.720 --> 0:17:26.600 I'm not going to fix you. 0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:29.880 I'm just going to help highlight those things inside of you, 0:17:29.880 --> 0:17:34.240 your strengths, your areas of growth, and then you will 0:17:34.280 --> 0:17:37.400 commit to your plan of action and walk it out. 0:17:37.760 --> 0:17:41.360 Because really, health is more determined on the counseling that's 0:17:41.400 --> 0:17:43.960 coming in than it is on my part. Because I 0:17:43.960 --> 0:17:45.680 can give you one hundred and one ways on how 0:17:45.720 --> 0:17:48.440 to be the best communicator or how to resolve conflict, 0:17:48.800 --> 0:17:52.240 but there's still a lot of stuff broken from the past. 0:17:52.720 --> 0:17:54.680 Nothing's going to stick and you're not going to commit 0:17:54.760 --> 0:17:57.600 to it. And so when you take the we approach, 0:17:57.720 --> 0:18:00.199 like this is on our best interest to have does 0:18:00.200 --> 0:18:02.960 a third party come in and just highlight and have 0:18:03.080 --> 0:18:06.320 this assessment? The assessment, I mean, it's not fabricated or 0:18:06.359 --> 0:18:09.240 it's not I'm not manipulating it. It's just you're answering 0:18:09.240 --> 0:18:11.639 these questions and the computers, you know, based on the program, 0:18:11.720 --> 0:18:15.600 is going to highlight the strengths, the areas of compatibility, 0:18:15.800 --> 0:18:18.399 the areas that need to be worked on some and 0:18:18.480 --> 0:18:20.560 then we're going to go layer by layer on that. 0:18:20.640 --> 0:18:22.520 So I think that's also important because if we're like, 0:18:22.600 --> 0:18:23.560 well no you start. 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:25.040 To fight, well, no, you need to go to counseling. 0:18:25.520 --> 0:18:26.680 Yeah, well right away. 0:18:26.440 --> 0:18:28.160 That person's going to shut down exactly. 0:18:28.600 --> 0:18:30.800 And so it's all about the delivery, is like it's 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:33.880 we if we're really thinking about doing a lifetime together 0:18:34.280 --> 0:18:37.320 and we want to live happy, yes, but even more 0:18:37.359 --> 0:18:41.760 than that, like thriving, because I mean happy happy is temporary. 0:18:41.760 --> 0:18:44.439 That's a temporary feeling, yeah, right, But when. 0:18:44.320 --> 0:18:48.440 You're thriving and there's personal satisfaction like Okay, yeah, it's 0:18:48.440 --> 0:18:50.560 worth it. Like when you want to go and work out, 0:18:50.680 --> 0:18:52.400 it's worth it to get a coach if you don't 0:18:52.400 --> 0:18:54.520 know how to do this right. Yes, it's the same thing. 0:18:54.600 --> 0:18:56.200 The coach isn't going to fix you. It's going to 0:18:56.280 --> 0:18:59.000 help see why aren't you committed? Or hey, you need 0:18:59.040 --> 0:19:01.239 to work this muscle somewhere. That's exactly the same thing 0:19:01.280 --> 0:19:01.960 that countslored us. 0:19:02.600 --> 0:19:05.040 The role of a therapist is it to help, especially 0:19:05.080 --> 0:19:08.119 in couple's therapy, to help figure out what the issues 0:19:08.119 --> 0:19:10.680