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Speaker 1: With pre marital counseling, are we going to prepare ourselves

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Speaker 1: to get married or are we still like that pre

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Speaker 1: engagement where we're like, okay, is this gonna work?

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Speaker 2: A lot of times we come from broken homes. Then

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Speaker 2: when we come into a dating relationship, now we're romanticizing.

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Speaker 2: An unhealthy relationship gets familiar to us.

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Speaker 3: And in Spanish is.

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Speaker 2: And casa, we do that as a protective mechanism because

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Speaker 2: there is a status. If my husband is a womanizer,

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Speaker 2: that means that I'm not good enough as a woman.

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Speaker 3: But it really comes.

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Speaker 2: From the culture of the machistam.

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Speaker 1: Hey guys, Happy Monday and Happy December. This year is

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Speaker 1: about to fly by, so I hope you guys are

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Speaker 1: getting ready to welcome the new year. I'm really looking

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Speaker 1: forward to today's episode because we're going to be hearing

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Speaker 1: from my therapist. I can't wait for you all to

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Speaker 1: meet her and hear all about pre marital counseling and

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Speaker 1: even pre engagement counseling. So, without further ado, let's get

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Speaker 1: the show started. This is Cheeky's and Chill. I am

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Speaker 1: so excited to introduce today's guest. Her name is Tanya

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Speaker 1: Faniagua and she is the founder and CEO of the

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Speaker 1: Breath of Life Foundation in Irvine, California, and she's also

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Speaker 1: my therapist and my sister's therapist as well. I've been

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Speaker 1: working with her for about a year and a half

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Speaker 1: now and it has literally changed my life.

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Speaker 4: Welcome to the podcast, Tanya.

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Speaker 3: I am so excited to be here with you.

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Speaker 1: I am so excited. We had a session you guys

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Speaker 1: this morning. Just FYI. So I've been working with Tanya

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Speaker 1: for about a year, right year and a half something

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Speaker 1: like that, Tanya, about a year. Yes, So how I

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Speaker 1: met Tanya was through my sister Jackie. She's also my sister,

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Speaker 1: Jackie's therapist and my sister. For Christmas was it Christmas

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Speaker 1: or my Birthday, I don't know, she gave me a

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Speaker 1: gift card and it was five sessions with Tanya. So

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Speaker 1: that's how I met her, and she says, Sister, I

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Speaker 1: want to give you this, and it was one of

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Speaker 1: the best gifts ever because I've been able to just

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Speaker 1: confide and feel so much better after every conversation with Tanya.

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Speaker 1: She's helped me through quite a bit, especially with my relationship.

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Speaker 1: So I wanted to bring her on because Emilio and

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Speaker 1: I just started a couple's therapy and her and her

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Speaker 1: husband do couples therapy and I really enjoyed it. Oh

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Speaker 1: it's not even couple therapy, it's pre marital you guys,

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Speaker 1: I'm engaged.

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Speaker 4: So it's pre marital.

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Speaker 1: It's pre marital therapy or counseling, should I say. And

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Speaker 1: it's been pretty cool and she's helped me so much.

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Speaker 1: And I met her husband, Rudy. Well, I've known them

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Speaker 1: for a while. I've seen them at parties and like

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Speaker 1: gatherings and stuff. So now I wanted to talk about

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Speaker 1: this because in our first session, Tanya told me about

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Speaker 1: pre engagement counseling, something I didn't even know existed. So

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Speaker 1: let's just you know, ask the question, have I been

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Speaker 1: a good counsel lye.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I think you have been an amazing counselor. And

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Speaker 2: what makes an amazing counseling is why that's open, has

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Speaker 2: a posture of humility to receive instruction that is able

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Speaker 2: to then see their areas of growth and then also

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Speaker 2: lean into those areas that need to be strengthened. So

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Speaker 2: you've done an amazing job, and it's we're working on it.

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Speaker 4: Yes, we're working on it.

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Speaker 1: We're working I think the most important thing, you guys,

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Speaker 1: and you guys know, I always say that I'm a

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Speaker 1: huge advocate for counseling, for therapy, and I think it's

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Speaker 1: something that we all need for the rest of our lives,

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Speaker 1: you know. And since I do this, and I do

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Speaker 1: so many things, I feel like when I speak to Tanya,

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Speaker 1: I am recharging my batteries, I'm refreshing my memory. It

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Speaker 1: just helps me speak and then she gives me feedback.

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Speaker 1: And I think it's something I have to do for

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Speaker 1: the I want to do for the rest of my life.

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Speaker 1: And you have to be willing to be vulnerable, you guys,

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Speaker 1: and be completely honest.

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Speaker 4: And I have.

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Speaker 1: She knows all my secrets, okay, and thank goodness for

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Speaker 1: confidentiality because she can't ever say anything, of course, and

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Speaker 1: she would never She's not that type of person anyways.

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Speaker 1: But I think that what has helped me personally is

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Speaker 1: being very honest and even saying things about myself that

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Speaker 1: I probably I am not proud of. But that's what's

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Speaker 1: going to help you guys. That's what's going to change

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Speaker 1: is when you're completely honest. So I just wanted to

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Speaker 1: get that out of the way. Anyways, going back to

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Speaker 1: pre engagement, can we touch on that just a little bit,

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Speaker 1: because I sure didn't know that existed.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, So it's something that we like to practice here

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Speaker 2: in our organization because oftentimes when you start a relationship

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Speaker 2: and then you go into a deeper sense of relationship

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Speaker 2: and now becomes a romantic relationship, we oftentimes don't take

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Speaker 2: a moment to really think about what's bonding us, and

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Speaker 2: so there is this idea of trauma bonding. So basically

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Speaker 2: what that means is I am broken and I become

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Speaker 2: a magnet to those other people that are broken, and

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Speaker 2: so I receive something from the other person's brokenness. But

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Speaker 2: we don't really take a moment to see and analyze

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Speaker 2: is this a healthy relationship or why am I bonding

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Speaker 2: to this other person? So in pre engagement we have

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Speaker 2: a chance to look at that. Is it really trauma

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Speaker 2: bonding or is it authentic bonding? Are you healthy? Have

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Speaker 2: you done individual work? Because you have more time to

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Speaker 2: explore this rather than if you just go in and

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Speaker 2: go through your engagement, you know, put a ring on

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Speaker 2: it and then make it public. There is a lot

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Speaker 2: of stress and expectations for the wedding date.

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Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, yes, right, there's a.

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Speaker 2: Lot of and everyone's asking you when you're gonna get married,

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Speaker 2: and you're like, oh, if you don't even know the

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Speaker 2: red flags I'm seeing, right, And so we can't even

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Speaker 2: say that right because it's kind of embarrassing because it

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Speaker 2: makes us feel like, wait, how come I didn't see those.

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Speaker 3: Red flags and I'm committed? How do I pull out

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Speaker 3: of this?

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Speaker 2: And then I look like a failure and all these

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Speaker 2: other things that can come into play for that decision.

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Speaker 3: So we like to take it a step further and start.

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Speaker 2: Earlier in the process so that if those do come up,

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Speaker 2: we can deal with them and you still have a

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Speaker 2: way out of the relationship without the whole world knowing

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Speaker 2: that you're engaged.

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Speaker 4: When when do you do this? Is it six months

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Speaker 4: into the relationship?

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Speaker 1: Like how do you get people to say, hey, before

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Speaker 1: I asked my girl to get engaged?

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Speaker 4: When do you guys recommend it?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so you start today and then when it starts

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Speaker 2: going into that next dreaming phase of like, oh, I

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Speaker 2: could see myself with you for the rest of my

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Speaker 2: life like that that is a conversation, right, that's a conversation,

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Speaker 2: or you'll start dreaming together, or you might even start

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Speaker 2: like ring shopping together, and so.

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Speaker 4: That's doing hints and stuff.

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Speaker 2: Yes, right in there, it's like, okay, you know, well,

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Speaker 2: let's do ourselves a favor and let's let's invest before

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Speaker 2: we invest in the ring, let's invest in our emotional health.

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Speaker 3: To see where we're at.

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Speaker 2: Because a lot of times we come from broken homes, right,

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Speaker 2: and so we are attached to unhelp healthy relationships because it's.

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Speaker 3: What's familiar to us.

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Speaker 2: And so then when we come into a dating relationship

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Speaker 2: and a serious dating relationship, now we're romanticizing an unhealthy relationship.

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Speaker 3: Be gaut's familiar to us.

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Speaker 4: Yes, oh my gosh.

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Speaker 2: Now we come in we're not experts in your life.

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Speaker 2: You're the experts in your life. But we start to

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Speaker 2: ask questions and things start to come to the surface,

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Speaker 2: Like in our sessions, things start to come to the surface.

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Speaker 3: I'm never an expert in Cheeky's life.

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Speaker 2: I will never be, because you are uniquely designed. You're

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Speaker 2: very different than I am. But I do have the

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Speaker 2: expertise and asking the questions to highlight some of these things.

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Speaker 2: And you're like, oh, oh, oh oh, a light bulb

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Speaker 2: turns on. And so that's what we love to do

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Speaker 2: with couples that.

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Speaker 3: Are doing pre engagement counseling.

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Speaker 1: How does a person know, hey, I need some therapy

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Speaker 1: or some counseling, Like what are some indications or some

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Speaker 1: things that you should say, Hey, if you're feeling this way,

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Speaker 1: if you're thinking this, you need counseling.

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Speaker 2: Yes, So, like, if they're in a relationship, I'll do

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Speaker 2: it from that place and then I'll tell you. So

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Speaker 2: if they're in a relationship, like in a dating relationship,

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Speaker 2: and you start to look at the relationship like oh,

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Speaker 2: he's saving me, And I'm gonna talk like from my perspective, right.

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Speaker 2: So when I met Rudy, I was a single mom

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Speaker 2: with two kids, and so when he came into my life,

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Speaker 2: I was like, oh my gosh, somebody wants me with

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Speaker 2: baggage because everyone told me that they weren't gonna want

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Speaker 2: me with like you know, I'm a broken relationship and

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Speaker 2: I'm coming with two children into this relationship. So I

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Speaker 2: had this idea like, Wow, he's saving me. And then

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Speaker 2: he starts to express interest and really tries to build me,

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Speaker 2: and I'm like, wy, he might be fixing me, like

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Speaker 2: now I have a reason to live, Like there's a

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Speaker 2: validation of my existence. That's not healthy, Like the way

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Speaker 2: I met Rudy is not healthy at all, right, And

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Speaker 2: then there's a rollercoaster of chaotic, unpredictable emotions. You use

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Speaker 2: things like you complete me. Nobody should ever complete anybody.

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Speaker 2: It's really from your whole right, and someone else is homeless.

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Speaker 2: We come and we compliment each other, but we don't

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Speaker 2: complete each other.

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Speaker 4: Dang. And so Rudy was.

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Speaker 2: Coming to complete me, was coming to complete my family

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Speaker 2: as a stepfather stepping in. And then there's this other

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Speaker 2: idea of I betray myself and all of my needs

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Speaker 2: to receive his love. So I lay down my life

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Speaker 2: as long as he's happy. But I'm thinking this is

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Speaker 2: selfless love, and it really isn't. It's trauma bonding. And

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Speaker 2: then when I really look at it and I look

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Speaker 2: at the relationship, it really mirrors a lot of the

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Speaker 2: patterning of my childhood experience.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I was.

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Speaker 2: I was starting to repeat a lot of the stuff

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Speaker 2: that I had seen growing up, and not just growing

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Speaker 2: up in my first relationship.

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Speaker 3: So whoa, you know, I saw it growing up.

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Speaker 2: I saw it in my first marriage, and now I

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Speaker 2: see it in my second marriage. So it looks great.

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Speaker 2: We get married and then it blows up. For the

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Speaker 2: first three years of our marriage, we were not just

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Speaker 2: kyind of blend of family, but we were coming in

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Speaker 2: with our baggage. We didn't know how much baggage we had.

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Speaker 2: I had never done individual work. I wasn't even a therapist,

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Speaker 2: a counselor.

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Speaker 3: I was nothing. I was just Tanya, a.

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Speaker 2: Single mom with two babies, an eleven year old and

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Speaker 2: a six year old. And when all hell breaks loose,

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Speaker 2: he I get pregnant. I remember telling him in the

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Speaker 2: car on the phone, Hey, I'm pregnant, like thinking, shoot,

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Speaker 2: he's probably thinking I'm gonna I'm pregnant, like I'm saying this,

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Speaker 2: or he can come home. But I really was pregnant,

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Speaker 2: and that was like my whole journey with our first

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Speaker 2: child together. And then at the end of that it

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Speaker 2: was so chaotic, so toxic that he leaves and then

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Speaker 2: he's unfaithful and he's a un faithful twice during my pregnancy,

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Speaker 2: and so what I thought was a man that was

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Speaker 2: gonna come fix me was really no, Like that's not

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Speaker 2: that was not at all authentic love.

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Speaker 3: So why do I.

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Speaker 2: Share this is because I didn't know that I was

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Speaker 2: coming into the relationship with so much baggage. So I

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Speaker 2: would have loved for someone to say, like, hold on

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Speaker 2: a second, Like just relax for a moment, Let's take

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Speaker 2: it slow, let's look inside, let's see some of the

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Speaker 2: things you to heal from your first marriage. Because my

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Speaker 2: first husband was also unfaithful to me, and if I

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Speaker 2: look back even further, my father was an unfaithful man.

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Speaker 2: So who's the common denominator, tanya is?

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Speaker 4: Oh geez.

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Speaker 3: So it doesn't mean.

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Speaker 2: That I deserve this, right, it means that there's a

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Speaker 2: brokenness in me that attracts these kind of men and

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Speaker 2: makes that's a familiar relationship even though it's not healthy.

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Speaker 2: So that kind of answers the second part of the question, right,

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Speaker 2: like when you start to have familiarity with just unhealthiness

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Speaker 2: and sometimes you don't know that. On a personal note,

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Speaker 2: it's like low self esteem. If you start to feel

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Speaker 2: like anxious or depressed or you have you are a

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Speaker 2: person that reacts rather than responds.

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Speaker 3: There are things in there.

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Speaker 2: That really need to be healed because a lot of

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Speaker 2: times we have soul wounds that are not healed, you know,

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Speaker 2: from our childhood that we bring into the relationships or

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Speaker 2: even into our life as we grow older.

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Speaker 1: So and that's kind of where we're at now with

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Speaker 1: the media and now that we're engaged. I thought it

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Speaker 1: was very important because our relationship isn't perfect. I think

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Speaker 1: this is the healthiest relationship I've been in and my

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Speaker 1: past relationships, and it's not even like I'm saying, like

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Speaker 1: we're working Emido and I. The good thing here is

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Speaker 1: that we're both intentional in we believe in therapy. He

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Speaker 1: does his therapy, I do mine, and we understand that

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Speaker 1: we need to be healthy. I more than ever understand.

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Speaker 1: Before I was very codependent, I was very needy, and

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Speaker 1: i've in my like I realized that in my last relationship,

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Speaker 1: and I said, I want to make a change. I

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Speaker 1: really want to be whole in myself and not feel

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Speaker 1: anka like I want to be my whole orange, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like I want to be you know,

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Speaker 1: and I've I've been working on that. So I think

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Speaker 1: now that we're engaged, and you know, marriage is a

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Speaker 1: huge commitment. I've done it once and unfortunately it didn't

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Speaker 1: work or fortunately whatever it is what it is. I

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Speaker 1: don't regret it because I learned so much from it.

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Speaker 1: But now it's like, Okay, this is It's a huge

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Speaker 1: commitment and I want to do it right, and I

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Speaker 1: know there are things within myself that I want to heal.

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Speaker 1: I need to heal, like you said, Tanya, like stuff

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Speaker 1: that I grew up seeing. You know, no one's perfect,

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Speaker 1: and I learned a lot of things and I saw

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Speaker 1: quite a bit of stuff. So that's where we're at now.

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Speaker 1: We're doing primarito. It's something I haven't even asked you privately,

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Speaker 1: but with pre marital counseling, are we going to we're

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Speaker 1: going to prepare ourselves to get married? Or are we

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Speaker 1: still like that kind of like that pre engagement where

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Speaker 1: we're like, okay, is this gonna work? Because I did

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Speaker 1: that whole survey right, it's a bunch of questions you guys,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, wow, are we I want to

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Speaker 1: know that we're equally yoked? Is that what we're going

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Speaker 1: to find out with the primarital Like, okay, you guys

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Speaker 1: are ready to get married?

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Speaker 3: Yes?

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Speaker 2: So what we do in that assessment is in the

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Speaker 2: computer generates the report and then we put that out

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Speaker 2: in front of you and then start to try and

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Speaker 2: walk through some of these things. So as we're able

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Speaker 2: to come to resolutions and plans of actions for these things,

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Speaker 2: then we're able to say like, okay, are you guys

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Speaker 2: ready to take the next step.

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Speaker 3: So it's not necessarily for us to say that.

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Speaker 2: It's more for you to look at it and say, oh, no,

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Speaker 2: I can't budge on this. This is non negotiable for me,

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Speaker 2: and this is negotiable for her right or for him,

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Speaker 2: And so this is where we start to do that.

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Speaker 2: But those are conversations that normally don't happen outside of

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Speaker 2: the counseling office because no one really talks about your values.

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Speaker 2: A lot of people don't even have personal values. They

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Speaker 2: haven't taken time to do values right, So values non

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Speaker 2: negotiables in your life. And so then since we don't

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Speaker 2: take that time to know that about ourselves, someone else

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Speaker 2: comes and imposes their values, not in a mean way,

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Speaker 2: it just oh, that sounds great, let's just make life

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Speaker 2: like that. And then you're like, wait, I'm not being

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Speaker 2: true to myself. So in this assessment, as we continue

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Speaker 2: to walk together, we will highlight these things and it'll

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Speaker 2: show you the things that you're super combatible with, and

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Speaker 2: there's things that, oh, okay, this is an area that

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Speaker 2: we're really going to focus on to see if we

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Speaker 2: can get you into a place of agreement.

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Speaker 3: Not necessarily of I agree with you.

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Speaker 2: One hundred percent, because you're not going to lose your essence,

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Speaker 2: but I'm comfortable enough that together we'll be able.

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Speaker 3: To walk this.

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Speaker 4: Okay, that's where the compromising comes in.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the compromising comes in without really compromising your essence,

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Speaker 2: because you don't want to compromise your essence because then

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Speaker 2: that's what happens a lot of times. And then like

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Speaker 2: ten years down the line, the essence is wanting to

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Speaker 2: come out and it can't, you know, and it finally

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Speaker 2: does and it ruptures, and it's like, I can't live

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Speaker 2: like this anymore.

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Speaker 1: Yes, because I feel like I finally understood, like I

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Speaker 1: want to be myself and I want to make sure

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Speaker 1: that I'm my best self for my person first of all,

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Speaker 1: for myself, but also to have a healthy relationship, you know.

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Speaker 1: And when we were doing this assessment, he did his

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Speaker 1: own you guys, I called it a survey, but it's

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Speaker 1: an assessment, is a correct word. Thank you, Tanya. But

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Speaker 1: it was very long and it was very thorough, and

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Speaker 1: it had me thinking. I was like, I need to

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Speaker 1: be one hundred percent honest right now. Like I would

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Speaker 1: go back and I would reread it, and sometimes they

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Speaker 1: would ask you the question in a different way and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, Like, but it really made you think.

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Speaker 1: And we never shared our answers. He did his own

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Speaker 1: at his own time. I did my own, and I'm like, cause,

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Speaker 1: I really really want to really figure this out, you know.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't want to ever waste anyone's time.

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Speaker 1: And this is important because we're going to talk about okay,

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Speaker 1: the children, finances, like stuff that's hard to talk about,

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Speaker 1: you guys, but that I think is very necessary, having

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable conversations to figure out your future together. And I

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Speaker 1: think that that's we're both on the same page. And

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Speaker 1: I didn't even What I loved is I didn't even

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Speaker 1: have to convince the media to do premarital counseling. He

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Speaker 1: was all in, He's like, let's do it. He's been

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Speaker 1: wanting to do couple's therapy for a while. We just

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Speaker 1: didn't find the right people, and now, thank goodness, we

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Speaker 1: have you guys. But that's one of the questions I had.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, then I guess we're going to just

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Speaker 1: have to look and say, okay, well, this is where

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Speaker 1: we're combatible, this is where we got to work on,

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Speaker 1: and then we make the final decision absolutely.

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Speaker 2: And then what happens when somebody, like when one party

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Speaker 2: really wants to go to counseling and the other one's like,

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Speaker 2: oh no, that's not for me, right, how do you

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Speaker 2: do that? And it's not necessarily a convincing it's really like,

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Speaker 2: this is an our best interest because I think a

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Speaker 2: lot of people will shy away from counseling when they

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Speaker 2: feel that someone's trying to fix them. See, my job

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Speaker 2: as a counselor is never to come and fix you.

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to fix you. I'm just going to

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Speaker 2: help highlight those things inside of you, your strengths, your

365
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Speaker 2: areas of growth, and then you will commit to your

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Speaker 2: plan of action and walk it out. Because really, health

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Speaker 2: is more determined on the counseling that's coming in than

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Speaker 2: it is on my part. Because I can give you

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Speaker 2: one hundred and one ways on how to be the

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Speaker 2: best communicator or how to resolve conflict, but there's still

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Speaker 2: a lot of stuff.

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Speaker 3: Broken from the past. Nothing's going to stick and you're

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Speaker 3: not going to commit to it.

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Speaker 2: And so when you take the we approach, like this

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Speaker 2: is on our best interest to have does a third

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Speaker 2: party come in and just highlight and have this assessment?

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Speaker 2: The assessment, I mean, it's not fabricated or it's not

378
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Speaker 2: I'm not manipulating it. It's just you're answering these questions

379
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Speaker 2: and the computers, you know, based on the program, is

380
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Speaker 2: going to highlight the strengths, the areas of compatibility, the

381
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Speaker 2: areas that need to be worked on some and then

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Speaker 2: we're going to go layer by layer on that. So

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Speaker 2: I think that's also important because if we're like, well

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Speaker 2: no you start.

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Speaker 3: To fight, well, no, you need to go to counseling.

386
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Speaker 2: Yeah, well right away, that person's going to shut down exactly.

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Speaker 2: And so it's all about the delivery, is like it's

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Speaker 2: we if we're really thinking about doing a lifetime together

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Speaker 2: and we want to live happy, yes, but even more

390
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Speaker 2: than that, like thriving, because I mean happy happy is temporary.

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Speaker 3: That's a temporary feeling, yeah, right, But when.

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Speaker 2: You're thriving and there's personal satisfaction like Okay, yeah, it's

393
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Speaker 2: worth it. Like when you want to go and work out,

394
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Speaker 2: it's worth it to get a coach if you don't

395
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Speaker 2: know how to do this right. Yes, it's the same thing.

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Speaker 2: The coach isn't going to fix you. It's going to

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Speaker 2: help see why aren't you committed? Or hey, you need

398
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Speaker 2: to work this muscle somewhere. That's exactly the same thing

399
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Speaker 2: that countslored us.

400
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Speaker 1: The role of a therapist is it to help, especially

401
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Speaker 1: in couple's therapy, to help figure out what the issues

402
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Speaker 1: are in the relationship and to find a resolution.

403
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Speaker 4: Or is it either or I think it's both.

404
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Speaker 2: Because sometimes like for example, you talked about finances, right,

405
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Speaker 2: a couple could be talking. It could be fighting about finances,

406
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Speaker 2: whether they're engaged, whether they're dating, or they're marriage or whatever, couple,

407
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Speaker 2: it is right they're fighting about finances. Finances isn't the issue.

408
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Speaker 2: Finances is secondary. There is a deeply rooted issue because

409
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Speaker 2: finances means a different thing to a different person. So

410
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Speaker 2: finances for one individual could mean status. To another individual,

411
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Speaker 2: it could mean safety and protection, right, and so oftentimes

412
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Speaker 2: we don't have that kind of language. So when you

413
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Speaker 2: come here and like, well, it's finances and she spends

414
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Speaker 2: too much d So then we start to ask deeper questions.

415
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Speaker 3: Like oh, this is what happens.

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Speaker 2: So going back to my personal example, Root was like

417
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Speaker 2: that everything.

418
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Speaker 3: So he loved retail therapy.

419
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Speaker 2: That was his thing, right, So we had a fight

420
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Speaker 2: and I and money for me was protection and safety.

421
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Speaker 3: So anytime we had a fight.

422
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Speaker 2: I remember the first big fight we had, he went

423
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Speaker 2: off to the South Coast Plaza and he goes and

424
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Speaker 2: buys himself a three hundred dollars pen and I see

425
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,080
Speaker 2: it because I get I get the alerts, and I'm like, oh, like,

426
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Speaker 2: I'm thinking safety, safety, like this is red and he's

427
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Speaker 2: thinking no, status, status, this is the way I protect myself, right,

428
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Speaker 2: And so it would have looked like he was just

429
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,600
Speaker 2: having a fit and doing this, but there was deeper

430
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:36,520
Speaker 2: rooted issues like his manhood must have felt disrespected in

431
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Speaker 2: the way that I was communicating and he was like, well, no,

432
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Speaker 2: this is like I'm protecting myself this way. And for me,

433
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Speaker 2: finances was like, oh, man, if he does this now,

434
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Speaker 2: like how we're going to be like bankrupt by year five.

435
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,720
Speaker 2: Every single time if he's going to go, you know,

436
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,919
Speaker 2: buy something every single time we have a fight, and

437
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:56,119
Speaker 2: so it's not finances, what does it mean? And so

438
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,600
Speaker 2: you normally don't know the primary root of it unless

439
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:00,760
Speaker 2: you've really done some work.

440
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,440
Speaker 3: So we helped bring that.

441
00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:05,280
Speaker 2: To the surface and it's like, oh, okay, this is

442
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,880
Speaker 2: really the issue, and then we can come we can

443
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:09,040
Speaker 2: co create a solution.

444
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:15,160
Speaker 4: Yes, see, creating solutions together, that's the thing. It's like together.

445
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,680
Speaker 1: I had to like really get out of the mindset

446
00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:22,000
Speaker 1: of it's what I want. It's like what we want,

447
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:25,600
Speaker 1: what our relationship needs. That's another thing, you know, because

448
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:29,480
Speaker 1: I came from a very independent mother and who kind

449
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,720
Speaker 1: of wore the pants in the relationship, you know, and

450
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,160
Speaker 1: in order I feel and I've learned and my sister

451
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,520
Speaker 1: and I, Jackie and I are on the same page

452
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:40,200
Speaker 1: where it's like it's we weren't taught to be submissive,

453
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:42,920
Speaker 1: you guys. It was like, no, you're an independent woman

454
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,080
Speaker 1: this and I'm like, well, I don't want to be

455
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,320
Speaker 1: a lonely independent woman. I want to be in a

456
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,960
Speaker 1: long lasting relationship. I enjoy being in a relationship, you know.

457
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:52,000
Speaker 1: So it's like, what adjustments do I need to make

458
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:55,919
Speaker 1: in order to make that happen, you know, And we

459
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:59,680
Speaker 1: always say, Jackie and I we're breaking generational curses because

460
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,399
Speaker 1: and at first it was very foreign to me because

461
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,920
Speaker 1: my sister I would say, hey, let's go get our nails,

462
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,200
Speaker 1: and she said, we'll have to talk to my husband.

463
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:09,040
Speaker 1: I'm like, why, why do you have to talk to

464
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:11,800
Speaker 1: your husband. I didn't understand. She's like, oh, well, because

465
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:12,960
Speaker 1: you know, I have to, not that I have to

466
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,479
Speaker 1: ask him for permission. But it's like, hey, is it

467
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,800
Speaker 1: okay for us? You know, to spend this extra money

468
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,720
Speaker 1: getting my nails done is a luxury because I have kids.

469
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,840
Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh, you know what. I'm like, I

470
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,240
Speaker 1: get it. I'm like, okay, now I admire it, you know.

471
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,639
Speaker 1: And now Jackie and you guys are the ones that

472
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,960
Speaker 1: saved Jackie and Mike's marriage, and I think it's a

473
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,479
Speaker 1: beautiful thing. I see them, and I see Mike as

474
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,800
Speaker 1: a completely different person. My sister as well. They have

475
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,359
Speaker 1: very good communication and they're making their relationship work. And

476
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:42,160
Speaker 1: I'm like, I love that. I'm so happy for her.

477
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,359
Speaker 1: So anyways, you guys, I'm just saying therapy works. And

478
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:47,760
Speaker 1: I actually now I have a question, Tanya, do you

479
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:51,439
Speaker 1: feel or in your experience when you're doing couples therapy,

480
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:54,280
Speaker 1: do you feel that it's the man that's a little

481
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:58,040
Speaker 1: bit more resistant to counseling than the woman or it varies,

482
00:22:58,920 --> 00:22:59,600
Speaker 1: It varies.

483
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,400
Speaker 2: We've seen a trend probably in this last I want

484
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,520
Speaker 2: to say year two years that men are the ones

485
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:09,880
Speaker 2: calling for the for the appointments, and I get so excited.

486
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,399
Speaker 3: I'm like, yes, they're career.

487
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,480
Speaker 2: Yeah. Or we'll have marriage refreshers here at our office

488
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:16,359
Speaker 2: where we have like thirty five couples and we go

489
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:19,840
Speaker 2: through different things, you know, like some of the issues,

490
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:23,639
Speaker 2: the most common issues of like communication or sex, or

491
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,000
Speaker 2: parenting or finances.

492
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:25,800
Speaker 3: So we'll go through that.

493
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,760
Speaker 2: And when it's question and answer time, we don't give

494
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,040
Speaker 2: out little papers where people write down, you know, like

495
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:34,720
Speaker 2: we're very open and vocal, so it's all the men

496
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:38,120
Speaker 2: asking the questions, and so it's really neat. Yes, I've

497
00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:41,520
Speaker 2: seen that shift, and I think it's important because men

498
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,960
Speaker 2: and women both feel emotions. It's just men are really

499
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,160
Speaker 2: they do a better job of being able to suppress

500
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,880
Speaker 2: them so they can continue with the vision that they

501
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,119
Speaker 2: have and they're very good at that. I can't focus

502
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,960
Speaker 2: on emotions and vision. I'm going to put my emotions

503
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:57,879
Speaker 2: away so I can fulfill the vision. A woman is

504
00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,119
Speaker 2: more complicated because that's what we were designed, and it's

505
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,920
Speaker 2: a beautiful, beautiful complication. We are right that we can

506
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,640
Speaker 2: were beautifully complicated, right, that we can do a lot

507
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:09,600
Speaker 2: of these things. Now, the problem is that the woman

508
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,679
Speaker 2: has a harder time in regulating the emotion.

509
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,159
Speaker 3: So I love when the man's.

510
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,200
Speaker 2: Like, oh, yes, I want to lean in, which I

511
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,080
Speaker 2: think is why my husband and I are so open

512
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,920
Speaker 2: and vulnerable about our story, and he is very much

513
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,600
Speaker 2: so about the things that he wished he could have

514
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,840
Speaker 2: done differently. And then it creates a safe place for

515
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,280
Speaker 2: the man to want to come in and say like,

516
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:27,560
Speaker 2: oh I want that, I want coaching.

517
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:28,879
Speaker 3: All right, let's let's let's do this.

518
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:32,560
Speaker 2: Let's let's really like turn this like living day by

519
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,840
Speaker 2: day to really from a surviving to a thriving mentality

520
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:36,720
Speaker 2: in our relationship.

521
00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:39,320
Speaker 1: That's awesome, and that's one thing that I'm so grateful

522
00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:43,480
Speaker 1: for that my partner at Medio, he's very willing and

523
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:47,879
Speaker 1: open and he's also okay with being vulnerable and showing

524
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:51,280
Speaker 1: his emotions. And I feel like that itself is worth it.

525
00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:53,520
Speaker 1: To me to keep even if we have things that

526
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:56,640
Speaker 1: we disagree on or I don't necessarily like let's say,

527
00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:00,399
Speaker 1: I'm like, he is the first time ever that I

528
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:03,840
Speaker 1: have someone that is so willing and to walk me through,

529
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:05,919
Speaker 1: to hold my hand and say okay, it's okay, like

530
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,160
Speaker 1: for the first time, and it feels so good, which

531
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:11,320
Speaker 1: I think is why we've lasted so long because I'm

532
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:11,760
Speaker 1: a runner.

533
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:12,880
Speaker 4: I'm like, it's not.

534
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,240
Speaker 1: Working, see you later, like I saw it with my

535
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,440
Speaker 1: mom and it's like, okay, next, next, and I'm like, okay,

536
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,879
Speaker 1: I don't want that, but he's like hold on.

537
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:20,879
Speaker 4: He pulls me in.

538
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,879
Speaker 1: He's like you know, and I think that that's awesome

539
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:24,840
Speaker 1: and I'm hoping, like I'm so happy to hear that

540
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:27,120
Speaker 1: you're saying that it's more men that are the ones

541
00:25:27,119 --> 00:25:29,960
Speaker 1: that are looking for the counseling, for the coaching. I

542
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:32,159
Speaker 1: think that's awesome, and you know, round of applause for

543
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:35,639
Speaker 1: those men that aren't afraid to show their emotions. People

544
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:38,040
Speaker 1: have this, some people, especially Latinos, and let's talk about

545
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:42,320
Speaker 1: this a little bit, this negative connotation of therapy. Why

546
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:45,800
Speaker 1: do you feel that some people are hesitant or resistant

547
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:46,880
Speaker 1: to therapy?

548
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,080
Speaker 2: Yes, so especially if we're going to go into the

549
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:52,720
Speaker 2: Latino culture. Actually, my dissertation was very much about marital

550
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:56,200
Speaker 2: satisfaction in Hispanic couples, and so I did a lot

551
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:57,440
Speaker 2: of study in the values.

552
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,720
Speaker 3: But we have like this in the Spanish is.

553
00:26:02,359 --> 00:26:04,879
Speaker 2: Casa, you know, so like all of your dirty laundry,

554
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:06,000
Speaker 2: you're going to take care of it home, You're not

555
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,360
Speaker 2: going to air it out. And so we do that

556
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:11,600
Speaker 2: as a protective mechanism because there is a status, you know,

557
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,520
Speaker 2: like if I have an issue, that means that I'm

558
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:14,240
Speaker 2: not good enough.

559
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:17,800
Speaker 3: So it starts to hit that core truth value I'm

560
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:18,480
Speaker 3: not good enough.

561
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:21,040
Speaker 2: Or if my husband is a womanizer, that means that

562
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:23,160
Speaker 2: I'm not good enough as a woman. But it really

563
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,920
Speaker 2: comes from the culture of the machista, right. The machista

564
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,520
Speaker 2: is the more women, the more of a man you are,

565
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:32,080
Speaker 2: which is not true, absolutely not right, absolutely not true.

566
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,960
Speaker 3: No, it's a lie from the devil. That's not true, right.

567
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:35,679
Speaker 4: The devil.

568
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:40,720
Speaker 2: Is being able to stay committed to your wife. That's

569
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,520
Speaker 2: that's what makes an amazing man, right, not one that

570
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:46,480
Speaker 2: is jumping from one one to another. So I think

571
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:50,000
Speaker 2: that just closes them off. And then if you add

572
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,560
Speaker 2: the religion component. It's like, then you don't have enough

573
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:55,159
Speaker 2: faith to believe that your problem can be fixed. But

574
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,040
Speaker 2: that's not true either, because you can have faith and

575
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:02,200
Speaker 2: psychology and they can coexist, actually need to coexist, as

576
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:04,560
Speaker 2: we can have faith to believe that we're going to

577
00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:06,679
Speaker 2: be healed, but we also have to pick up our

578
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:08,439
Speaker 2: matt and do the work, and we also have to

579
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:12,359
Speaker 2: do our part to learn where the trauma was inserted,

580
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,199
Speaker 2: what happened with that light was inserted into our lives,

581
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:18,240
Speaker 2: heal from it so that we can continue walking in health.

582
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,080
Speaker 2: So I think that's why a lot of people are resistance,

583
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:23,480
Speaker 2: and they also have this sense of if I don't

584
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:25,720
Speaker 2: have it put all together, that must mean that I'm weak,

585
00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:29,359
Speaker 2: But it really isn't. The reality is, and this is

586
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,280
Speaker 2: for everyone. We all have issues. But the ones that

587
00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:35,200
Speaker 2: come in and say, hey, I really want to do something.

588
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:36,640
Speaker 3: Better, those are my heroes. Yeah.

589
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,719
Speaker 2: I'm like, man, you're a hero today because you're going

590
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:40,400
Speaker 2: to change the legacy of your family.

591
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:50,680
Speaker 1: Going back to the couple's therapy, what is the most

592
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:55,399
Speaker 1: common issue in couples? Would you say it's poor communication? Sex, finances?

593
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:58,680
Speaker 2: Well, the studies show that those are the top three

594
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:01,320
Speaker 2: that you descido are the top three reasons that a

595
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:04,240
Speaker 2: relationship would end up in a divorce. I haven't done

596
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:06,120
Speaker 2: the study in our own office to see how many

597
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,919
Speaker 2: come from each, but normally in a session, most of

598
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:09,560
Speaker 2: those come out.

599
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,840
Speaker 1: Is it like not enough intimacy? Like because for me,

600
00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:16,399
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about it, I'm like, okay, yes, sometimes you

601
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,840
Speaker 1: get so busy it's like, okay, we're not having enough sex,

602
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,040
Speaker 1: you know, or you know finance.

603
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:24,080
Speaker 4: So and I grew up thinking you shouldn't let.

604
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:26,960
Speaker 1: Go of a relationship unless they're like cheating on you

605
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:30,920
Speaker 1: over and over or like hitting you being physical mentally

606
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:31,560
Speaker 1: abusing you.

607
00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:34,000
Speaker 4: But I always thought like.

608
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,919
Speaker 1: Okay, if we're not meeting I to ee in finances,

609
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:39,480
Speaker 1: let's say, is it okay or not okay?

610
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,120
Speaker 4: But like to let go of the relationship.

611
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:44,400
Speaker 2: Well, I mean, if you it depends on if it's

612
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:46,560
Speaker 2: a relationship or a marriage, because it's different. So if

613
00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:49,240
Speaker 2: it's a relationship, absolutely, I mean you can totally. But

614
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:51,239
Speaker 2: if it's a marriage and it's now, you're not now

615
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:53,760
Speaker 2: you're entering into a lifelong contract.

616
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:56,000
Speaker 3: Like we talked about contracts, right, and so.

617
00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:59,760
Speaker 2: There there's only certain reasons why you should really consider

618
00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:03,240
Speaker 2: an even in that, especially if there are children. Would

619
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:07,280
Speaker 2: I I've seen even domestic violence. Not that I'm saying

620
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:09,120
Speaker 2: anyone in domestic violence needs to stick it out. I

621
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:10,880
Speaker 2: think they need to get into a safe place. But

622
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,800
Speaker 2: I even if there's healing, I've seen that restored. I've

623
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:16,880
Speaker 2: seen infidelity restored obviously, even for my own life.

624
00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:17,960
Speaker 3: So it depends.

625
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:21,480
Speaker 2: If you are just in a dating relationship or even

626
00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:23,880
Speaker 2: engage and you're not seeing eye to eye, then don't

627
00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:25,560
Speaker 2: take the next step if you're not willing to make

628
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:28,560
Speaker 2: that come in. But if you're married, now that's really

629
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:33,120
Speaker 2: important that you really exhaust your resources before you make

630
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:36,320
Speaker 2: a decision. And that is also another thing that doesn't happen.

631
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 2: People just like, well, I just I fell out of love.

632
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:41,719
Speaker 2: I said, nah, give me another reason, because you can

633
00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 2: fall back in love like and that just means that

634
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:46,560
Speaker 2: the emotional tank is empty, so we have to start

635
00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 2: filling it up again. And so that means that you've

636
00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:50,880
Speaker 2: checked out. We got to check you back in. And

637
00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:53,240
Speaker 2: so I've seen that happen. That's excuse, Oh I fell

638
00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:53,640
Speaker 2: out of love.

639
00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:56,840
Speaker 3: I'm like, nah, let's let's give me a I don't

640
00:29:56,840 --> 00:29:58,640
Speaker 3: buy your reason, I don't buy it.

641
00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:02,200
Speaker 2: Let's let's see what happened been here and so yes,

642
00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:05,600
Speaker 2: I mean, if you're going into marriage, you really need

643
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 2: to think of it. It's like it's a lifelong commitment,

644
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:11,600
Speaker 2: it's a lifelong covenant, especially if you have and there's

645
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:13,640
Speaker 2: no shame for those that have been divorced. I'm actually

646
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:14,920
Speaker 2: you know, I'm a divorced woman.

647
00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:18,360
Speaker 3: But I've seen both ends, the one that we are.

648
00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:20,239
Speaker 2: Able to get be restored, and what life looks like

649
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:24,000
Speaker 2: with our children. And I also have children from another

650
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:28,000
Speaker 2: marriage and seeing their health is completely different. Like I

651
00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:30,840
Speaker 2: do believe the generational curse is when you step in

652
00:30:31,240 --> 00:30:34,560
Speaker 2: and do the work and correct the patterns so that

653
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:37,080
Speaker 2: your children don't have to deal with that. And so

654
00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:38,800
Speaker 2: it would have been easy for me to step out

655
00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:41,080
Speaker 2: and say I'm done because my husband was unfaithful.

656
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:42,160
Speaker 3: But there it goes again.

657
00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:44,800
Speaker 2: So now my two older children are from one dad,

658
00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:47,000
Speaker 2: my two second one fro another dad, and mom's a

659
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:50,800
Speaker 2: single mom, and so the statistics are that my daughters

660
00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:51,160
Speaker 2: are going.

661
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:51,960
Speaker 3: To go through the same thing.

662
00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:53,360
Speaker 4: So you push through it.

663
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 2: I pushed through and I was going to go through

664
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:57,440
Speaker 2: the work, do the work. My husband was going to

665
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:59,640
Speaker 2: do the work, and now we're able to enjoy even

666
00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 2: our grand babies together, So.

667
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:03,520
Speaker 1: Your grand babies and helping other people restore their marriages,

668
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:06,959
Speaker 1: which I think is absoluting, just out of curiosity and

669
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:09,840
Speaker 1: not to take anything away from your your present, you

670
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:13,160
Speaker 1: know marriage because it's you know, it's wonderful. But would

671
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:15,120
Speaker 1: you think if you guys, your first marriage, if you

672
00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:17,080
Speaker 1: guys would have gone to therapy, do you think you

673
00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:18,800
Speaker 1: could have saved that marriage?

674
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:22,680
Speaker 2: Absolutely on my husband and I we my husband and

675
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:24,320
Speaker 2: my current husband, and I talk about that all the

676
00:31:24,360 --> 00:31:26,440
Speaker 2: time because people ask me, well, why the first why

677
00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,520
Speaker 2: did the first marriage not work? In the second one did?

678
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,840
Speaker 2: The difference was my first husband didn't was checked out,

679
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,760
Speaker 2: like he did not want to, he did not want

680
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:36,760
Speaker 2: anything to do with it. I was open to even

681
00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:40,160
Speaker 2: though he was the one had been faithful. He he

682
00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:43,200
Speaker 2: was unfaithful and he checked out. He actually ended up

683
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:47,000
Speaker 2: marrying the person he was unfaithful with, and so that's

684
00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:49,800
Speaker 2: a whole other area of like forgiveness and all of

685
00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,560
Speaker 2: that that I had to process. But he was checked out,

686
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:56,160
Speaker 2: he didn't want to. So with Rudy, he wanted to.

687
00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:59,840
Speaker 2: He was he he wanted to, and I in other terms,

688
00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:01,480
Speaker 2: I would say it this way. He was mad enough

689
00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:03,160
Speaker 2: to look in the mirror and say I have issues

690
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:06,000
Speaker 2: that I need to work on, and I was able

691
00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:07,800
Speaker 2: to do the same thing, and then we come together,

692
00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:10,440
Speaker 2: and then we were able to live what we're living

693
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:11,920
Speaker 2: today nineteen years later.

694
00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:15,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, ohoh, that takes base guys, Okay, excuse me, but

695
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:17,280
Speaker 1: it does for a man to say, you know what,

696
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:19,840
Speaker 1: especially a man I don't know, because we have this

697
00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:22,720
Speaker 1: thing of men have to be you know, machosen no,

698
00:32:22,880 --> 00:32:24,680
Speaker 1: you know, somebody's no yoa. But it's like when a

699
00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:27,120
Speaker 1: man can say I need help, I want to change,

700
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:31,160
Speaker 1: that's freaking amazing. Okay, So, Tanya, how much of a

701
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:34,440
Speaker 1: difference can therapy really make in a in the success

702
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:36,280
Speaker 1: of a relationship or of a marriage.

703
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:38,760
Speaker 2: Should I say, oh, my goodness, it's day and night.

704
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:42,440
Speaker 2: If the couple that's coming in is doing the work,

705
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:44,360
Speaker 2: so when they come here, they come in here, whether

706
00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:46,520
Speaker 2: they're doing if they're doing an intensive package, it could

707
00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:48,680
Speaker 2: be you know, three hours, four hours if they wanted

708
00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:50,320
Speaker 2: to do it. So some people will fly in to

709
00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:52,720
Speaker 2: do things like that, but if not, it's like fifty

710
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:55,360
Speaker 2: minutes one session is fifty minutes, So in fifteen minutes,

711
00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:56,240
Speaker 2: we're going.

712
00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:58,880
Speaker 3: To ask these questions, highlight it, come.

713
00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:00,840
Speaker 2: Up with a solution, and apply action. We always have

714
00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:01,480
Speaker 2: a plan of action.

715
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:02,560
Speaker 3: That's great.

716
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,320
Speaker 2: But if you go home and you don't and I

717
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,040
Speaker 2: don't see you for another week and you have not

718
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:09,560
Speaker 2: done one thing, well, it's not going to affect the

719
00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:13,479
Speaker 2: marriage of anything. It's actually going to decrease the marriage

720
00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:16,760
Speaker 2: satisfaction because one person, they're hearing what they're supposed to

721
00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:18,920
Speaker 2: do and they're not doing it right. But if they

722
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:21,080
Speaker 2: go and they do the work and they're intentional and

723
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:23,840
Speaker 2: they're having you know, the meetings and they're having you

724
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:25,840
Speaker 2: know whatever they have to do right and they have

725
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:28,200
Speaker 2: to set their calendars or they need to have this

726
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,840
Speaker 2: way of communication, or they have to have more intimacy

727
00:33:31,040 --> 00:33:34,600
Speaker 2: or date nights or whatever it is, and they do that. Oh,

728
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:39,440
Speaker 2: we have seen marriages go from the brink of divorce

729
00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:45,959
Speaker 2: to like fully fully enjoying their families, their businesses, their ministries.

730
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,040
Speaker 2: And it is life changing. I mean, this is my

731
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,120
Speaker 2: life mission. Like if I were to die to day,

732
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:53,120
Speaker 2: I know that I've accomplished my mission because I've seen

733
00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:57,120
Speaker 2: more couples restored and living in health than the ones

734
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,640
Speaker 2: that have been divorced after they put all this into practice.

735
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,480
Speaker 1: And I see it with my sister, I really I

736
00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:05,400
Speaker 1: see it with my sister and her husband, and it's

737
00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:07,480
Speaker 1: just it's beautiful to watch, you know, because I know

738
00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:09,959
Speaker 1: what they went through, and but they really pushed through

739
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:11,440
Speaker 1: and they were both on the same page and they

740
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:15,080
Speaker 1: both wanted it. And Jackie said that sometimes she'd be

741
00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:17,000
Speaker 1: so mad. She said, I'm so mad a Talian rudy

742
00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:19,360
Speaker 1: right now. But then she was like, oh, I'm so grateful.

743
00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:21,600
Speaker 1: She's like, actually I went back and I'm like, okay,

744
00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:23,359
Speaker 1: I thought about it. So she's like, you they went

745
00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:26,040
Speaker 1: through all of the emotions with you, guys, and now

746
00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:27,839
Speaker 1: I see the fruits of it, you know. And even

747
00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,400
Speaker 1: you guys are the ones that married them. You know,

748
00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:32,840
Speaker 1: they knew their vowels, guys, and it was such a

749
00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:35,920
Speaker 1: beautiful ceremony. It just makes me happy. It makes me

750
00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:38,920
Speaker 1: happy because my sister we didn't see a healthy marriage,

751
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:41,960
Speaker 1: you guys, and no marriage is perfect, but she's really

752
00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:44,759
Speaker 1: worked so hard and making this work. And I see

753
00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:46,640
Speaker 1: them and they're in such a good place, and I'm

754
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:49,279
Speaker 1: praying that it just gets better. So I thank you

755
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:51,479
Speaker 1: guys for that, because you guys really of course, God,

756
00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:54,640
Speaker 1: but you guys really guided them, and I think it's wonderful,

757
00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:56,800
Speaker 1: which is why now I'm like, okay, I'm in your hands.

758
00:34:58,040 --> 00:34:59,880
Speaker 3: Yes, well we counted our privilege.

759
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:02,279
Speaker 2: I mean, really counteraprivileged to be able to walk with

760
00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:06,320
Speaker 2: people in their darkest times. It's a privilege, it's a responsibility.

761
00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:08,520
Speaker 2: We don't take that lightly. And the thing with like

762
00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:10,799
Speaker 2: your sister and Mike, like with Jackie and Mike, is

763
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:13,080
Speaker 2: that at any time when they start to feel any friction,

764
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,000
Speaker 2: if they need to pick up the call, we do

765
00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:17,560
Speaker 2: a quick like adjustment, you know, like when your back

766
00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:19,000
Speaker 2: is out of whack and you go to the chiropract

767
00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:22,600
Speaker 2: you get adjusted, and it's like, oh that's it, that's it, Okay,

768
00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:24,120
Speaker 2: we're ready for another five years, you know.

769
00:35:24,239 --> 00:35:25,640
Speaker 3: And so they have a safe place.

770
00:35:25,840 --> 00:35:28,520
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's awesome. I believe refresher. We all need it,

771
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:29,200
Speaker 4: that's right.

772
00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:32,239
Speaker 2: And so if you're intentional and you have that like

773
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:34,560
Speaker 2: we're committed and we're going to make work at this,

774
00:35:35,080 --> 00:35:38,000
Speaker 2: I mean, it just becomes such a beautiful life of

775
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:40,600
Speaker 2: exploration because in every season you're going to explore that

776
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:42,800
Speaker 2: new season as a husband and wife.

777
00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:45,360
Speaker 1: Oh it's beautiful. And just before I let you go.

778
00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:48,720
Speaker 1: For those who can't get their partner into a therapy session,

779
00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:51,080
Speaker 1: do you have any tips on how to talk about

780
00:35:51,120 --> 00:35:53,560
Speaker 1: issues without having it escalated into a fight.

781
00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:54,520
Speaker 2: Yes.

782
00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:55,480
Speaker 3: Absolutely.

783
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:58,120
Speaker 2: First of all, if we both can understand that we're

784
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:02,719
Speaker 2: a team, right, the both are a team. So it's

785
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:06,359
Speaker 2: not we're fighting against each other. We are work with

786
00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:08,520
Speaker 2: each other, fighting against the issue.

787
00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:09,680
Speaker 3: Okay, okay.

788
00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:12,720
Speaker 2: And so that's a big thing because sometimes we personalize

789
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:17,239
Speaker 2: the issue instead of like it's it's so internalized that

790
00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:19,160
Speaker 2: we make the person the issue, but it's not. It's

791
00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:23,200
Speaker 2: the behavior. So even something as like even writing it

792
00:36:23,239 --> 00:36:26,040
Speaker 2: out on something, you're externalizing finances. So you put it

793
00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:28,600
Speaker 2: out and so like, hey, how together can we look

794
00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:30,640
Speaker 2: at finances and how can we make this work?

795
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:32,520
Speaker 3: Instead of you spend too much money?

796
00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:34,880
Speaker 2: No, but this, and you don't you know, you're controlling

797
00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:36,680
Speaker 2: and you go back and forth, back and forth. You're

798
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:39,239
Speaker 2: attacking each other, but you're not really even dealing with

799
00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:41,799
Speaker 2: the actual issue, which is finances. We were on this

800
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:44,360
Speaker 2: finance talk, right, so what does finance mean? Hey, we

801
00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:47,320
Speaker 2: need these finances, we have these goals. Now we start

802
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:52,040
Speaker 2: talking through this issue of finances with a solution focused

803
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:56,000
Speaker 2: rather than focusing on each other that you're the problem. Yeah,

804
00:36:56,040 --> 00:36:58,879
Speaker 2: because as soon as someone feels attacked, they shut down.

805
00:36:58,960 --> 00:37:00,200
Speaker 2: I mean, no one wants to be at time, No

806
00:37:00,239 --> 00:37:01,680
Speaker 2: one wants to be called a liar, no one wants

807
00:37:01,719 --> 00:37:03,120
Speaker 2: to be called a manipulator.

808
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:04,200
Speaker 3: All the words that we.

809
00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:06,879
Speaker 2: Use when we're angry people don't they shut down.

810
00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:08,560
Speaker 3: They'll shut down or they'll escalate.

811
00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:11,520
Speaker 2: And so I think that's really being able to externalize

812
00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:14,440
Speaker 2: the behavior looking at it like this is the issue,

813
00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:16,839
Speaker 2: and together, we're holding hands and we're going to see

814
00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:21,000
Speaker 2: how we're going to make this work for us instead

815
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:23,440
Speaker 2: of us fighting against each other. So the gloves, the

816
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:27,040
Speaker 2: boxing gloves should be towards the behavior, not towards each other.

817
00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:29,800
Speaker 4: Ooh and guys, let me tell you that was a

818
00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:30,440
Speaker 4: big one for me.

819
00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:34,040
Speaker 1: I was like, hold on, It's like I ride away.

820
00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:36,560
Speaker 1: I had my boxing gloves on my hold up. I'm ready,

821
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:38,600
Speaker 1: I'm ready, you know. And it's like wait a second, No,

822
00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:41,919
Speaker 1: I have to move away from seeing like or trying

823
00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:43,920
Speaker 1: to fight with a medio. It's like him against I.

824
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:46,759
Speaker 1: It's more of like, okay, we have to choose to

825
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:50,640
Speaker 1: really figure out a solution for this situation or whatever

826
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:52,640
Speaker 1: it is that's bothering us. And that was a huge,

827
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:55,720
Speaker 1: I don't know, epiphany for me where I'm like, oh wow, okay,

828
00:37:55,719 --> 00:37:57,759
Speaker 1: wait what you just said really helped me a lot

829
00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:00,160
Speaker 1: where I was like, oh my gosh, okay, yeah, you're right.

830
00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:02,480
Speaker 1: You know, we're holding each other's hand and say we're

831
00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:06,520
Speaker 1: doing this together. So that those are two big things. Tanya,

832
00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:08,840
Speaker 1: thank you so much. I really enjoyed our conversation. And

833
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:10,799
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful because I know you're busy for you

834
00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:12,839
Speaker 1: to take the time to come on the podcast, and

835
00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:15,560
Speaker 1: you know, I thought it was people to hear me

836
00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:18,080
Speaker 1: talking about therapy all the time. I talk about it

837
00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:20,520
Speaker 1: so much, I'm like, why not have my therapist on.

838
00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:23,040
Speaker 2: So I am so excited, thank you, and thank you

839
00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:24,759
Speaker 2: for the privilege to allow me to walk with you.

840
00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:27,719
Speaker 2: That I accounted a privilege and honor. And I just

841
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:31,320
Speaker 2: love to see how you're making strides and become emotionally

842
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:34,040
Speaker 2: healthy and really seeing life from a different perspective. And

843
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:36,480
Speaker 2: so thank you for that privilege that you've given to me.

844
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:38,000
Speaker 2: So and even to be here on the show and

845
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:41,600
Speaker 2: being able to share some of my personal experiences along

846
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:43,839
Speaker 2: as well of my professional experiences. So thank you.

847
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:46,600
Speaker 1: Oh before you go, can you please share your website

848
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:49,040
Speaker 1: with us so people that are looking for therapy, couples

849
00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:51,600
Speaker 1: therapy or whatnot can reach out to you.

850
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,800
Speaker 2: Yes, you can find us at Breath of Life Foundation

851
00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:57,240
Speaker 2: dot info I NFO.

852
00:38:57,880 --> 00:38:59,719
Speaker 1: Thank you, Thank you you guys, And before we go,

853
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,240
Speaker 1: you know I always leave you with a motivational quote

854
00:39:03,320 --> 00:39:06,560
Speaker 1: to end each episode, So cue the music, here we go.

855
00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:16,680
Speaker 1: So here is the quote for this episode. It's fairly

856
00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:20,200
Speaker 1: quick and to the point. Invest in your mind, invest

857
00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:23,760
Speaker 1: in your health, invest in yourself and you, guys, therapy

858
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:27,919
Speaker 1: is a great investment, one you will never regret. Thank

859
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:30,359
Speaker 1: you so much, Tanya, you guys, thank you again for

860
00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:32,680
Speaker 1: being here on this episode of Cheeky's and Michel. I

861
00:39:32,719 --> 00:39:41,000
Speaker 1: hope you enjoyed it. Los quiro mucos. Do you need

862
00:39:41,040 --> 00:39:45,759
Speaker 1: advice on love, relationships, health emails? I'm so excited to

863
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:48,359
Speaker 1: share with you that my Cheeky's and Chill podcast will

864
00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:51,760
Speaker 1: have an extra episode drop each week. I'll be answering

865
00:39:51,920 --> 00:39:57,520
Speaker 1: all your questions. Just leave me a voice message. Person,

866
00:39:57,600 --> 00:40:00,400
Speaker 1: All you have to do is go to speak pipe

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Speaker 1: dot Com, slash Cheeky's and Chill podcasts, and record your questions.

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Speaker 4: I can't wait to hear from you.

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Speaker 1: This is a production of iHeartRadio and the Michaeldura podcast Network.

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Speaker 1: Follow us on Instagram at Michael Gura Podcasts and follow

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Speaker 1: me Cheeky's That's c h i q u i s.

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Speaker 1: For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

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Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite podcast, and check

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Speaker 1: us out on YouTube.