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Speaker 1: With pre marital counseling, are we going to prepare ourselves

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Speaker 1: to get married or are we still like that pre

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Speaker 1: engagement where we're like, okay, is this gonna work?

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Speaker 2: A lot of times we come from broken homes.

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Speaker 3: Then when we come into a dating relationship, now we're romanticizing.

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Speaker 3: An unhealthy relationship gets familiar to us.

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Speaker 2: And in Spanish is.

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Speaker 3: And casa, we do that as a protective mechanism because

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Speaker 3: there is a status. If my husband is a womanizer,

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Speaker 3: that means that I'm not good enough as a woman.

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Speaker 2: But it really comes from.

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Speaker 1: The culture of the machistam Hey guys, Happy Monday and

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Speaker 1: Happy December. This year is about to fly by, so

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Speaker 1: I hope you guys are getting ready to welcome the

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Speaker 1: new year. I'm really looking forward to today's episode because

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Speaker 1: we're going to be hearing from my therapist. I can't

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Speaker 1: wait for you all to meet her and hear all

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Speaker 1: about pre marital counseling and even pre engagement counseling. So,

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Speaker 1: without further ado, let's get the show started. This is

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Speaker 1: Cheeky's and Chill. I am so excited to introduce today's guest.

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Speaker 4: Her name is.

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Speaker 1: Tanya Faniagua and she is the founder and CEO of

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Speaker 1: the Breath of Life Foundation in Irvine, California, and she's

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Speaker 1: also my therapist and my sister's therapist as well. I've

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Speaker 1: been working with her for about a year and a

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Speaker 1: half now and it has literally changed my life.

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Speaker 4: Welcome to the podcast, Tanya.

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Speaker 2: I am so excited to be here with you.

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Speaker 1: I am so excited. We had a session you guys

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Speaker 1: this morning. Just FYI. So I've been working with Tanya

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Speaker 1: for about a year, right year and a half something

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Speaker 1: like that, Tanya, about a year. Yes, So how I

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Speaker 1: met Tanya was through my sister Jackie. She's also my sister,

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Speaker 1: Jackie's therapist and my sister. For Christmas was it Christmas

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Speaker 1: or my Birthday, I don't know, she gave me a

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Speaker 1: gift card and it was five sessions with Tanya. So

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Speaker 1: that's how I met her, and she says, Sister, I

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Speaker 1: want to give you this, and it was one of

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Speaker 1: the best gifts ever because I've been able to just

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Speaker 1: confide and feel so much better after every conversation with Tanya.

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Speaker 1: She's helped me through quite a bit, especially with my relationship.

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Speaker 1: So I wanted to bring her on because Emilio and

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Speaker 1: I just started a couple's therapy and her and her

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Speaker 1: husband do couples therapy and I really enjoyed it. Oh

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Speaker 1: it's not even couple therapy, it's pre marital you guys,

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Speaker 1: I'm engaged, so it's pre marital. It's pre marital therapy

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Speaker 1: or counseling, should I say. And it's been pretty cool

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Speaker 1: and she's helped me so much. And I met her husband, Rudy. Well,

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Speaker 1: I've known them for a while. I've seen them at

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Speaker 1: parties and like gatherings and stuff. So now I wanted

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Speaker 1: to talk about this because in our first session, Tanya

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Speaker 1: told me about pre engagement counseling, something I didn't even

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Speaker 1: know existed. So let's just you know, ask the question,

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Speaker 1: have I been a good counsel lye.

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Speaker 3: Yes, I think you have been an amazing counselor. And

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Speaker 3: what makes an amazing counseling is why that's open, has

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Speaker 3: a posture of humility to receive instruction that is able

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Speaker 3: to then see their areas of growth and then also

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Speaker 3: lean into those areas that need to be strengthened.

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Speaker 2: So you've done an amazing job, and it's we're working

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Speaker 2: on it.

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Speaker 1: Yes, we're working on it. We're working I think the

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Speaker 1: most important thing, you guys, and you guys know, I

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Speaker 1: always say that I'm a huge advocate for counseling, for therapy,

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Speaker 1: and I think it's something that we all need for

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Speaker 1: the rest of our lives, you know. And since I

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Speaker 1: do this, and I do so many things, I feel

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Speaker 1: like when I speak to Tanya, I am recharging my batteries,

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Speaker 1: I'm refreshing my memory. It just helps me speak and

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Speaker 1: then she gives me feedback. And I think it's something

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Speaker 1: I have to do for the I want to do

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Speaker 1: for the rest of my life. And you have to

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Speaker 1: be willing to be vulnerable, you guys, and be completely honest.

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Speaker 4: And I have.

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Speaker 1: She knows all my secrets, okay, and thank goodness for

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Speaker 1: confidentiality because she can't ever say anything, of course, and

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Speaker 1: she would never She's not that type of person anyways.

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Speaker 1: But I think that what has helped me personally is

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Speaker 1: being very honest and even saying things about myself that

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Speaker 1: I probably I am not proud of. But that's what's

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Speaker 1: going to help you guys. That's what's going to change

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Speaker 1: is when you're completely honest. So I just wanted to

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Speaker 1: get that out of the way. Anyways, going back to

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Speaker 1: pre engagement, can we touch on that just a little bit,

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Speaker 1: because I sure didn't know that existed.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So it's something that we like to practice here

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Speaker 3: in our organization because oftentimes when you start a relationship

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Speaker 3: and then you go into a deeper sense of relationship

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Speaker 3: and now becomes a romantic relationship, we oftentimes don't take

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Speaker 3: a moment to really think about what's bonding us, and

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Speaker 3: so there is this idea of trauma bonding. So basically

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Speaker 3: what that means is I am broken and I become

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Speaker 3: a magnet to those other people that are broken, and

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Speaker 3: so I receive something from the other person's brokenness.

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Speaker 2: But we don't really take a moment to see and.

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Speaker 3: Analyze is this a healthy relationship or why am I

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Speaker 3: bonding to this other person? So in pre engagement we

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Speaker 3: have a chance to look at that. Is it really

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Speaker 3: trauma bonding or is it authentic bonding? Are you healthy?

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Speaker 3: Have you done individual work? Because you have more time

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Speaker 3: to explore this rather than if you just go in

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Speaker 3: and go through your engagement, you know, put a ring

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Speaker 3: on it and then make it public. There is a

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Speaker 3: lot of stress and expectations for the wedding date.

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Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, yes, right, there's a.

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Speaker 3: Lot of and everyone's asking you when you're gonna get married,

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Speaker 3: and you're like, oh, if you don't even know the

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Speaker 3: red flags I'm seeing, right, And so we can't even

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Speaker 3: say that right because it's kind of embarrassing because it

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Speaker 3: makes us feel like, wait, how come I didn't see

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Speaker 3: those red flags?

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Speaker 2: And now I'm committed? How do I pull out of this?

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Speaker 3: And then I look like a failure and all these

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Speaker 3: other things that can come into play for that decision.

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Speaker 2: So we like to take it a step further and start.

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Speaker 3: Earlier in the process so that if those do come up,

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Speaker 3: we can deal with them and you still have a

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Speaker 3: way out of the relationship without the whole world knowing

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Speaker 3: that you're engaged.

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Speaker 4: When when do you do this? Is it six months

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Speaker 4: into the relationship?

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Speaker 1: Like how do you get people to say, hey, before

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Speaker 1: I asked my girl to get engaged?

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Speaker 4: When do you guys recommend it?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so you start today and then when it starts

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Speaker 3: going into that next dreaming phase of like, oh, I

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Speaker 3: could see myself with you for the rest of my

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Speaker 3: life like that that is a conversation, right.

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Speaker 2: That's a conversation.

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Speaker 3: Or you'll start dreaming together, or you might even start

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Speaker 3: like ring shopping together, and so.

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Speaker 4: That's doing hints and stuff.

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Speaker 2: Yes, right in there.

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Speaker 3: It's like, okay, you know, well, let's do ourselves a

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Speaker 3: favor and let's let's invest before we invest in the ring,

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Speaker 3: let's invest in our emotional health.

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Speaker 2: To see where we're at.

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Speaker 3: Because a lot of times we come from broken homes, right,

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Speaker 3: and so we are attached to unhealp healthy relationships because it's.

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Speaker 2: What's familiar to us.

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Speaker 3: And so then when we come into a dating relationship

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Speaker 3: and a serious dating relationship, now we're romanticizing an unhealthy relationship.

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Speaker 2: Be gaut's familiar to us.

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Speaker 4: Yes, oh my gosh.

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Speaker 3: Now we come in. We're not experts in your life.

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Speaker 3: You're the experts in your life. But we start to

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Speaker 3: ask questions and things start to come to the surface,

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Speaker 3: Like in our sessions, things start to come to the surface.

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Speaker 2: I'm never an expert in Cheeky's life.

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Speaker 3: I will never be, because you are uniquely designed. You're

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Speaker 3: very different than I am. But I do have the

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Speaker 3: expertise and asking the questions to highlight some of these things.

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Speaker 3: And you're like oh oh, oh.

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Speaker 4: Oh, a light bulb turns on.

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Speaker 2: And so that's what we love to do with couples

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Speaker 2: that are doing pre engagement counseling.

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Speaker 1: How does a person know, hey, I need some therapy

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Speaker 1: or some counseling, Like what are some indications or some

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Speaker 1: things that you should say, Hey, if you're feeling this way,

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Speaker 1: if you're thinking this, you need counseling.

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Speaker 3: Yes, So, like, if they're in a relationship, I'll do

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Speaker 3: it from that place and then I'll tell you. So

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Speaker 3: if they're in a relationship, like in a dating relationship,

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Speaker 3: and you start to look at the relationship like oh,

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Speaker 3: he's saving me, And I'm gonna talk like from my perspective, right,

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Speaker 3: So when I met Rudy, I was a single mom

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Speaker 3: with two kids, and so when he came into my life,

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Speaker 3: I was like, oh my gosh, somebody wants me with

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Speaker 3: baggage because everyone told me that they weren't gonna want

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Speaker 3: me with like you know, I'm a broken relationship and

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Speaker 3: I'm coming with two children into this relationship. So I

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Speaker 3: had this idea like, Wow, he's saving me. And then

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Speaker 3: he starts to express interest and really tries to build me,

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Speaker 3: and I'm like, wy he might be fixing me, like

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Speaker 3: now I have a reason to live, Like there's a

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Speaker 3: validation of my existence. That's not healthy, Like the way

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Speaker 3: I met Rudy is not healthy at all. Right, And

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Speaker 3: then there's a rollercoaster of chaotic, unpredictable emotions. You use

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Speaker 3: things like you complete me. Nobody should ever complete anybody.

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Speaker 3: It's really from your whole right, and someone else is homeless.

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Speaker 3: We come and we compliment each other, but we don't

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Speaker 3: complete each other.

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Speaker 4: Dang. And so Rudy was.

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Speaker 3: Coming to complete me, was coming to complete my family

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Speaker 3: as a stepfather stepping in. And then there's this other

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Speaker 3: idea of I betray myself and all of my needs

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Speaker 3: to receive his love. So I lay down my life

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Speaker 3: as long as he's happy. But I'm thinking this is

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Speaker 3: selfless love.

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Speaker 2: And it really isn't. It's trauma bonding.

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Speaker 3: And then when I really look at it and I

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Speaker 3: look at the relationship, it really mirrors a lot of

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Speaker 3: the patterning of my childhood experience.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I was.

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Speaker 3: I was starting to repeat a lot of the stuff

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Speaker 3: that I had seen growing up, and not just growing

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Speaker 3: up in my first relationship, So whoa, you know, I

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Speaker 3: saw it growing up. I saw it in my first marriage,

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Speaker 3: and now I see it in my second marriage.

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Speaker 2: So it looks.

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Speaker 3: Great, we get married and then it blows up. For

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Speaker 3: the first three years of our marriage, we were not

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Speaker 3: just kyind of blend of family, but we were coming

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Speaker 3: in with our baggage. We didn't know how much baggage

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Speaker 3: we had. I had never done individual work. I wasn't

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Speaker 3: even a therapist, a counselor.

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Speaker 2: I was nothing. I was just Tanya, a.

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Speaker 3: Single mom with two babies, an eleven year old and

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Speaker 3: a six year old. And when all hell breaks loose,

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Speaker 3: he I get pregnant. I remember telling him in the

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Speaker 3: car on the phone, Hey, I'm pregnant, like thinking, shoot,

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Speaker 3: he's probably thinking I'm gonna I'm pregnant, like I'm saying this,

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Speaker 3: or he can come home. But I really was pregnant,

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Speaker 3: and that was like my whole journey with our first

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Speaker 3: child together. And then at the end of that it

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Speaker 3: was so chaotic, so toxic that he leaves and then

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Speaker 3: he's unfaithful and he's a un faithful twice during my pregnancy,

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Speaker 3: and so what I thought was a man that was

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Speaker 3: going to come fix me was really no, Like that's

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Speaker 3: not that was not at all authentic love.

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Speaker 2: So why do I.

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Speaker 3: Share this is because I didn't know that I was

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Speaker 3: coming into the relationship with so much baggage. So I

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Speaker 3: would have loved for someone to say, like, hold on

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Speaker 3: a second, like just relax for a moment, Let's take

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Speaker 3: it slow, let's look inside, let's see some of.

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Speaker 2: The things you to heal from your first marriage.

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Speaker 3: Because my first husband was also unfaithful to me, and

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Speaker 3: if I look back even further, my father was an

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Speaker 3: unfaithful man. So who's the common denominator, tanya is?

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Speaker 4: Oh geez.

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Speaker 3: So it doesn't mean that I deserve this, right, it

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Speaker 3: means that there's a brokenness in me that attracts these

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Speaker 3: kind of men and makes that's a familiar relationship even

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Speaker 3: though it's not healthy. So that kind of answers the

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Speaker 3: second part of the question, right, like when you start

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Speaker 3: to have familiarity with just unhealthiness and sometimes you don't

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Speaker 3: know that. On a personal note, it's like low self esteem.

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Speaker 3: If you start to feel like anxious or depressed or

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Speaker 3: you have you are a person that reacts rather than responds.

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Speaker 3: There are things in there that really need to be

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Speaker 3: healed because a lot of times we have soul wounds

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Speaker 3: that are not healed, you know, from our childhood that

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Speaker 3: we bring into the relationships or even into our life

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Speaker 3: as we grow older.

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Speaker 1: So and that's kind of where we're at now with

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Speaker 1: the media and now that we're engaged. I thought it

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Speaker 1: was very important because our relationship isn't perfect. I think

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Speaker 1: this is the healthiest relationship I've been in and my

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Speaker 1: past relationships, and it's not even like I'm saying, like

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Speaker 1: we're working Emido and I. The good thing here is

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Speaker 1: that we're both intentional in we believe in therapy. He

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Speaker 1: does his therapy, I do mine, and we understand that

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Speaker 1: we need to be healthy. I more than ever understand.

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Speaker 1: Before I was very codependent, I was very needy, and

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Speaker 1: i've in my like I realized that in my last relationship,

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Speaker 1: and I said, I want to make a change. I

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Speaker 1: really want to be whole in myself and not feel

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Speaker 1: anka like I want to be my whole orange, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean, Like I want to be you know,

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Speaker 1: and I've I've been working on that. So I think

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Speaker 1: now that we're engaged, and you know, marriage is a

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Speaker 1: huge commitment. I've done it once and unfortunately it didn't

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Speaker 1: work or fortunately, whatever it is, what it is, I

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Speaker 1: don't regret it because I learned so much from it.

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Speaker 1: But now it's like, Okay, this is It's a huge

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Speaker 1: commitment and I want to do it right, and I

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Speaker 1: know there are things within myself that I want to heal.

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Speaker 1: I need to heal, like you said, Tanya, like stuff

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Speaker 1: that I grew up seeing. You know, no one's perfect,

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Speaker 1: and I learned a lot of things and I saw

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Speaker 1: quite a bit of stuff.

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Speaker 4: So that's where we're at now. We're doing primarito.

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Speaker 1: It's something I haven't even asked you privately, but with

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Speaker 1: pre marital counseling, are we going to we're going to

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Speaker 1: prepare ourselves to get married? Or are we still like

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Speaker 1: that kind of like that pre engagement where we're like, okay,

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Speaker 1: is this gonna work? Because I did that whole survey right,

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Speaker 1: it's a bunch of questions you guys, and I was like, wow,

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Speaker 1: are we I want to know that we're equally yoked?

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Speaker 1: Is that what we're going to find out with the

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Speaker 1: primarital Like, okay, you guys are ready to get married?

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Speaker 3: Yes, So what we do in that assessment is in

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Speaker 3: the computer generates the report and then we put that

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Speaker 3: out in front of you and then start to try and.

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Speaker 2: Walk through some of these things.

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Speaker 3: So as we're able to come to resolutions and plans

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Speaker 3: of actions for these things, then we're able to say like, okay,

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Speaker 3: are you guys ready to take the next step. So

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Speaker 3: it's not necessarily for us to say that. It's more

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Speaker 3: for you to look at it and say, oh, no,

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Speaker 3: I can't budge on this. This is non negotiable for me,

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Speaker 3: and this is negotiable for her right or for him,

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Speaker 3: And so this is where we start to do that.

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Speaker 3: But those are conversations that normally don't happen outside of

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Speaker 3: the counseling office because no one really talks about your values.

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Speaker 3: A lot of people don't even have personal values. They

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Speaker 3: haven't taken time to do values right, So values non

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Speaker 3: negotiables in your life. And so then since we don't

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Speaker 3: take that time to know that about ourselves, someone else

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Speaker 3: comes and imposes their values, not in a mean way,

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Speaker 3: it just oh, that sounds great, let's just make life

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Speaker 3: like that. And then you're like, wait, I'm not being

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Speaker 3: true to myself. So in this assessment, as we continue

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Speaker 3: to walk together, we will highlight these things and it'll

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Speaker 3: show you the things that you're super combatible with and

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Speaker 3: there's things that oh, okay, this is an area that

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Speaker 3: we're really going to focus on to see if we

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Speaker 3: can get you into a place of agreement.

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Speaker 2: Not necessarily of I agree with you.

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Speaker 3: One hundred percent, because you're not going to lose your essence,

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Speaker 3: but I'm comfortable enough that together we'll be able.

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Speaker 4: To walk this. Okay, that's where the compromising comes in.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the compromising comes in without really compromising your essence,

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Speaker 3: because you don't want to compromise your essence, because then

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Speaker 3: that's what happens a lot of times. And then like

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Speaker 3: ten years down the line, the essence is wanting to

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Speaker 3: come out and it can't, you know, and it finally

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Speaker 3: does and it ruptures, and it's like, I can't live

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Speaker 3: like this anymore.

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Speaker 1: Yes, because I feel like I finally understood, like I

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Speaker 1: want to be myself and I want to make sure

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Speaker 1: that I'm my best self for my person first of all,

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Speaker 1: for myself, but also to have a healthy relationship, you know.

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Speaker 1: And when we were doing this assessment, he did his

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Speaker 1: own you guys, I called it a survey, but it's

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Speaker 1: an assessment, is a correct word, Thank you, Tanya. But

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Speaker 1: it was very long and it was very thorough, and

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Speaker 1: it had me thinking. I was like, I need to

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Speaker 1: be one hundred percent honest right now. Like I would

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Speaker 1: go back and I would reread it, and sometimes they

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Speaker 1: would ask you the question in a different way and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, Like, but it really made you think.

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Speaker 1: And we never shared our answers. He did his own

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Speaker 1: at his own time. I did my own, and I'm like, cause,

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Speaker 1: I really really want to really figure this out, you know.

337
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Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't want to ever waste anyone's time.

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Speaker 1: And this is important because we're going to talk about okay,

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Speaker 1: the children, finances, like stuff that's hard to talk about,

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Speaker 1: you guys, but that I think is very necessary, having

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable conversations to figure out your future together. And I

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Speaker 1: think that that's we're both on the same page. And

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Speaker 1: I didn't even What I loved is I didn't even

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Speaker 1: have to convince the media to do premarital counseling. He

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Speaker 1: was all in, He's like, let's do it. He's been

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Speaker 1: wanting to do couple's therapy for a while. We just

347
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Speaker 1: didn't find the right people. And now, thank goodness, we

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Speaker 1: have you guys. But that's one of the questions I had.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, then I guess we're going to just

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Speaker 1: have to look and say, okay, well, this is where

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Speaker 1: we're combatible, this is where we got to work on,

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Speaker 1: and then we make the final decision absolutely.

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Speaker 3: And then what happens when somebody like when one party

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Speaker 3: really wants to go to counseling and the other one's like,

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Speaker 3: oh no, that's not for me, right, Like, how do

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Speaker 3: you do that? And it's not necessarily a convincing it's

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Speaker 3: really like, this is an our best interest because I

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Speaker 3: think a lot of people will shy away from counseling

359
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Speaker 3: when they feel that someone's trying to fix them. See,

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Speaker 3: my job as a counselor is never to come and

361
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Speaker 3: fix you.

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to fix you.

363
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Speaker 3: I'm just going to help highlight those things inside of you,

364
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Speaker 3: your strengths, your areas of growth, and then you will

365
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Speaker 3: commit to your plan of action and walk it out.

366
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Speaker 3: Because really, health is more determined on the counseling that's

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Speaker 3: coming in than it is on my part. Because I

368
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Speaker 3: can give you one hundred and one ways on how

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Speaker 3: to be the best communicator or how to resolve conflict,

370
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Speaker 3: but there's still a lot of stuff broken from the past.

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Speaker 3: Nothing's going to stick and you're not going to commit

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Speaker 3: to it. And so when you take the we approach,

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Speaker 3: like this is on our best interest to have does

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Speaker 3: a third party come in and just highlight and have

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Speaker 3: this assessment? The assessment, I mean, it's not fabricated or

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Speaker 3: it's not I'm not manipulating it. It's just you're answering

377
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Speaker 3: these questions and the computers, you know, based on the program,

378
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Speaker 3: is going to highlight the strengths, the areas of compatibility,

379
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Speaker 3: the areas that need to be worked on some and

380
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Speaker 3: then we're going to go layer by layer on that.

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Speaker 3: So I think that's also important because if we're like,

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Speaker 3: well no you start.

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Speaker 2: To fight, well, no, you need to go to counseling.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, well right away.

385
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Speaker 2: That person's going to shut down exactly.

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Speaker 3: And so it's all about the delivery, is like it's

387
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Speaker 3: we if we're really thinking about doing a lifetime together

388
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Speaker 3: and we want to live happy, yes, but even more

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Speaker 3: than that, like thriving, because I mean happy happy is temporary.

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Speaker 2: That's a temporary feeling, yeah, right, But when.

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Speaker 3: You're thriving and there's personal satisfaction like Okay, yeah, it's

392
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Speaker 3: worth it. Like when you want to go and work out,

393
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Speaker 3: it's worth it to get a coach if you don't

394
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Speaker 3: know how to do this right. Yes, it's the same thing.

395
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Speaker 3: The coach isn't going to fix you. It's going to

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Speaker 3: help see why aren't you committed? Or hey, you need

397
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Speaker 3: to work this muscle somewhere. That's exactly the same thing

398
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Speaker 3: that countslored us.

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Speaker 1: The role of a therapist is it to help, especially

400
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Speaker 1: in couple's therapy, to help figure out what the issues

401
00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:10,680
Speaker 1: are in the relationship and to find a resolution.

402
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Speaker 4: Or is it either or I think it's both.

403
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Speaker 3: Because sometimes like for example, you talked about finances, right,

404
00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:21,320
Speaker 3: a couple could be talking. It could be fighting about finances,

405
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Speaker 3: whether they're engaged, whether they're dating, or they're marriage or whatever, couple,

406
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Speaker 3: it is right they're fighting about finances. Finances isn't the issue.

407
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:34,080
Speaker 3: Finances is secondary. There is a deeply rooted issue because

408
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Speaker 3: finances means a different thing to a different person. So

409
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Speaker 3: finances for one individual could mean status. To another individual,

410
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Speaker 3: it could mean safety and protection, right, and so oftentimes

411
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Speaker 3: we don't have that kind of language. So when you

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Speaker 3: come here and like, well, it's finances and she spends

413
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Speaker 3: too much. So then we start to ask deeper questions like.

414
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Speaker 2: Oh, this is what happens.

415
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Speaker 3: So going back to my personal example, Root was like

416
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Speaker 3: that everything.

417
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Speaker 2: So he loved retail therapy.

418
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Speaker 3: That was his thing, right, So we had a fight

419
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Speaker 3: and I and money for me was protection and safety.

420
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Speaker 2: So anytime we had a fight.

421
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Speaker 3: I remember the first big fight we had, he went

422
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Speaker 3: off to the South Coast Plaza and he goes and

423
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Speaker 3: buys himself a three hundred dollars pen and I see

424
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,080
Speaker 3: it because I get I get the alerts, and I'm like, oh, like,

425
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:26,200
Speaker 3: I'm thinking safety, safety, like this is red and he's thinking, no, status, status,

426
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Speaker 3: this is the way I protect myself, right, And so

427
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:31,119
Speaker 3: it would have looked like he was just having a

428
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,520
Speaker 3: fit and doing this, but there was deeper rooted issues

429
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:36,840
Speaker 3: like his manhood must have felt disrespected in the way

430
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Speaker 3: that I was communicating and he was like, well, no,

431
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Speaker 3: this is like I'm protecting myself this way. And for me,

432
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Speaker 3: finances was like, oh, man, if he does this now,

433
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Speaker 3: like how we're going to be like bankrupt by year five.

434
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,720
Speaker 3: Every single time if he's going to go, you know,

435
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,919
Speaker 3: buy something every single time we have a fight, and

436
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:56,119
Speaker 3: so it's not finances, what does it mean? And so

437
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,600
Speaker 3: you normally don't know the primary root of it unless

438
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:00,760
Speaker 3: you've really done some work.

439
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,440
Speaker 2: So we helped bring that.

440
00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:05,280
Speaker 3: To the surface and it's like, oh, okay, this is

441
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:07,880
Speaker 3: really the issue, and then we can come we can

442
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:09,040
Speaker 3: co create a solution.

443
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:15,160
Speaker 1: Yes, see, creating solutions together, that's the thing. It's like together.

444
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,680
Speaker 1: I had to like really get out of the mindset

445
00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:22,000
Speaker 1: of it's what I want. It's like what we want,

446
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:25,600
Speaker 1: what our relationship needs. That's another thing, you know, because

447
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:29,480
Speaker 1: I came from a very independent mother and who kind

448
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,720
Speaker 1: of wore the pants in the relationship, you know, and

449
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,120
Speaker 1: in order I feel and I've learned and my sister

450
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,520
Speaker 1: and I, Jackie and I are on the same page

451
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:40,200
Speaker 1: where it's like it's we weren't taught to be submissive,

452
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:42,920
Speaker 1: you guys. It was like, no, you're an independent woman

453
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,080
Speaker 1: this and I'm like, well, I don't want to be

454
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,320
Speaker 1: a lonely independent woman. I want to be in a

455
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,960
Speaker 1: long lasting relationship. I enjoy being in a relationship, you know.

456
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:52,000
Speaker 1: So it's like, what adjustments do I need to make

457
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:55,919
Speaker 1: in order to make that happen? You know, and we

458
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:59,680
Speaker 1: always say Jackie and I we're breaking generational curses because

459
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,399
Speaker 1: and at first it was very foreign to me because

460
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,920
Speaker 1: my sister I would say, hey, let's go get our nails,

461
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,200
Speaker 1: and she said, we'll have to talk to my husband.

462
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:09,040
Speaker 4: I'm like, why, why do you have to talk to

463
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:10,560
Speaker 4: your husband. I didn't understand.

464
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:12,560
Speaker 1: She's like, oh, well, because you don't have to, not

465
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,239
Speaker 1: that I have to ask him for permission. But it's like, hey,

466
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,080
Speaker 1: is it okay for us? You know, to spend this

467
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,920
Speaker 1: extra money getting my nails done is a luxury because

468
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:22,000
Speaker 1: I have kids. And I'm like, oh, you know what.

469
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,200
Speaker 1: I'm like, I get it. I'm like, okay, now I

470
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,960
Speaker 1: admire it, you know. And now Jackie and you guys

471
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:30,560
Speaker 1: are the ones that saved Jackie and Mike's marriage, and I.

472
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:31,720
Speaker 4: Think it's a beautiful thing.

473
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:33,959
Speaker 1: I see them, and I see Mike as a completely

474
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,359
Speaker 1: different person. My sister as well. They have very good

475
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,720
Speaker 1: communication and they're making their relationship work. And I'm like,

476
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:43,280
Speaker 1: I love that. I'm so happy for her. So anyways,

477
00:22:43,359 --> 00:22:46,000
Speaker 1: you guys, I'm just saying therapy works. And I actually

478
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,399
Speaker 1: now I have a question, Tanya, do you feel or

479
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,680
Speaker 1: in your experience when you're doing couples therapy, do you

480
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:54,560
Speaker 1: feel that it's the man that's a little bit more

481
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:59,640
Speaker 1: resistant to counseling than the woman or it varies, It varies.

482
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,400
Speaker 3: We've seen a trend, probably in this last I want

483
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,520
Speaker 3: to say year two years, that men are the ones

484
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:09,880
Speaker 3: calling for the for the appointments, and I get so excited.

485
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,399
Speaker 2: I'm like, yes, they're career.

486
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,480
Speaker 3: Yeah. Or we'll have marriage refreshers here at our office

487
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:16,359
Speaker 3: where we have like thirty five couples and we go

488
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:19,840
Speaker 3: through different things, you know, like some of the issues

489
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:23,639
Speaker 3: the most common issues of like communication or sex, or

490
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,000
Speaker 3: parenting or finances.

491
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:25,800
Speaker 2: So we'll go through that.

492
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,760
Speaker 3: And when it's question and answer time, we don't give

493
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,040
Speaker 3: out little papers where people write down, you know, like

494
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:34,720
Speaker 3: we're very open and vocal, so it's all the men

495
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:38,120
Speaker 3: asking the questions, and so it's really neat. Yes, I've

496
00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:41,520
Speaker 3: seen that shift, and I think it's important because men

497
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,960
Speaker 3: and women both feel emotions. It's just men are really

498
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,160
Speaker 3: they do a better job of being able to suppress

499
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:50,080
Speaker 3: them so they can continue with the vision that they have,

500
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,280
Speaker 3: and they're very good at that. I can't focus on

501
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:55,240
Speaker 3: emotions and vision. I'm going to put my emotions away

502
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:56,760
Speaker 3: so I can fulfill the vision.

503
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:57,960
Speaker 2: A woman is.

504
00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,119
Speaker 3: More complicated because that's what we were designed, and it's

505
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,920
Speaker 3: a beautiful, beautiful complication. We are right that we can

506
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,640
Speaker 3: were beautifully complicated, right, that we can do a lot

507
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:09,600
Speaker 3: of these things. Now, the problem is that the woman

508
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,679
Speaker 3: has a harder time in regulating the emotion.

509
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,159
Speaker 2: So I love when the man's.

510
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,200
Speaker 3: Like, oh, yes, I want to lean in, which I

511
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,080
Speaker 3: think is why my husband and I are so open

512
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,920
Speaker 3: and vulnerable about our story, and he is very much

513
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,600
Speaker 3: so about the things that he wished he could have

514
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,840
Speaker 3: done differently, And then it creates a safe place for

515
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,280
Speaker 3: the man to want to come in and say like,

516
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:27,560
Speaker 3: oh I want that, I want coaching.

517
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:28,879
Speaker 2: All right, let's let's let's do this.

518
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:32,560
Speaker 3: Let's let's really like turn this like living day by

519
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,840
Speaker 3: day to really from a surviving to a thriving mentality

520
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:36,720
Speaker 3: in our relationship.

521
00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:39,320
Speaker 1: That's awesome, And that's one thing that I'm so grateful

522
00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:43,480
Speaker 1: for that my partner at Medio, he's very willing and

523
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:47,879
Speaker 1: open and he's also okay with being vulnerable and showing

524
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:51,120
Speaker 1: his emotions. And I feel like that itself is worth

525
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,399
Speaker 1: it to me to keep even if we have things

526
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,640
Speaker 1: that we disagree on or I don't necessarily like let's say,

527
00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:00,399
Speaker 1: I'm like, he is the first time ever that I

528
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:03,840
Speaker 1: have someone that is so willing and to walk me through,

529
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:05,919
Speaker 1: to hold my hand and say okay, it's okay, like

530
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,160
Speaker 1: for the first time, and it feels so good, which

531
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:11,320
Speaker 1: I think is why we've lasted so long because I'm

532
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:11,760
Speaker 1: a runner.

533
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:12,880
Speaker 4: I'm like, it's not.

534
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,240
Speaker 1: Working, see you later, like I saw it with my

535
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,440
Speaker 1: mom and it's like, okay, next, next, and I'm like, okay,

536
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,280
Speaker 1: I don't want that. But he's like hold on, he

537
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,200
Speaker 1: pulls me in. He's like you know, and I think

538
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:24,560
Speaker 1: that that's awesome and I'm hoping, like I'm so happy

539
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:26,520
Speaker 1: to hear that you're saying that it's more men that

540
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:29,000
Speaker 1: are the ones that are looking for the counseling, for

541
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:31,560
Speaker 1: the coaching. I think that's awesome, and you know, round

542
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:34,440
Speaker 1: of applause for those men that aren't afraid to show

543
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:37,399
Speaker 1: their emotions. People have this, some people, especially Latinos, and

544
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:40,040
Speaker 1: let's talk about this a little bit, this negative connotation

545
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:44,280
Speaker 1: of therapy. Why do you feel that some people are

546
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:46,880
Speaker 1: hesitant or resistant to therapy?

547
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,080
Speaker 3: Yes, so, especially if we're going to go into the

548
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:52,720
Speaker 3: Latino culture. Actually, my dissertation was very much about marital

549
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:56,200
Speaker 3: satisfaction in Hispanic couples, and so I did a lot

550
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:57,440
Speaker 3: of study in the values.

551
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,720
Speaker 2: But we have like this in the Spanish is.

552
00:26:02,359 --> 00:26:04,879
Speaker 3: Casa, you know, so like all of your dirty laundry,

553
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:06,000
Speaker 3: you're going to take care of it home, You're not

554
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,360
Speaker 3: going to air it out. And so we do that

555
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:11,600
Speaker 3: as a protective mechanism because there is a status, you know,

556
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,520
Speaker 3: like if I have an issue, that means that I'm

557
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:14,240
Speaker 3: not good enough.

558
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:17,800
Speaker 2: So it starts to hit that core truth value I'm

559
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:18,480
Speaker 2: not good enough.

560
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:21,040
Speaker 3: Or if my husband is a womanizer, that means that

561
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:23,160
Speaker 3: I'm not good enough as a woman. But it really

562
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,920
Speaker 3: comes from the culture of the machista, right. The machista

563
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,520
Speaker 3: is the more women, the more of a man you are,

564
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:32,080
Speaker 3: which is not true, Absolutely not right, Absolutely not true.

565
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,960
Speaker 2: No, it's a lie from the devil. That's not true. Right.

566
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:35,679
Speaker 4: The devil.

567
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:40,320
Speaker 2: Is being able to stay committed to your wife.

568
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:43,400
Speaker 3: That's that's what makes an amazing man, right, not one

569
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:46,159
Speaker 3: that is jumping from one one to another. So I

570
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:49,639
Speaker 3: think that just closes them off. And then if you

571
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,200
Speaker 3: add the religion component.

572
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:53,399
Speaker 2: It's like, then you don't have enough faith to believe

573
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:54,760
Speaker 2: that your problem can be fixed.

574
00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:57,679
Speaker 3: But that's not true either, because you can have faith

575
00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:01,199
Speaker 3: and psychology and they can coexist, actually need to coexist,

576
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,479
Speaker 3: as we can have faith to believe that we're going

577
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,640
Speaker 3: to be healed, but we also have to pick up.

578
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:08,280
Speaker 2: Our matt and do the work, and we also have

579
00:27:08,359 --> 00:27:10,440
Speaker 2: to do our part to.

580
00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:13,639
Speaker 3: Learn where the trauma was inserted, what happened with that

581
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,600
Speaker 3: light was inserted into our lives, heal from it so

582
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,360
Speaker 3: that we can continue walking in health. So I think

583
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:21,320
Speaker 3: that's why a lot of people are resistance, and they

584
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:23,720
Speaker 3: also have this sense of if I don't have it

585
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:26,679
Speaker 3: put all together, that must mean that I'm weak, But

586
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:30,000
Speaker 3: it really isn't. The reality is, and this is for everyone.

587
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,760
Speaker 3: We all have issues. But the ones that come in

588
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,200
Speaker 3: and say, hey, I really want to do something.

589
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:36,080
Speaker 2: Better, those are my heroes.

590
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,600
Speaker 3: Yeah. I'm like, man, you're a hero today because you're

591
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:40,400
Speaker 3: going to change the legacy of your family.

592
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:50,680
Speaker 1: Going back to the couple's therapy, what is the most

593
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:55,399
Speaker 1: common issue in couples? Would you say it's poor communication? Sex, finances?

594
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:58,680
Speaker 2: Well, the studies show that those are the top three

595
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:00,639
Speaker 2: that you descent. So are the top three.

596
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:03,360
Speaker 3: Reasons that a relationship would end up in a divorce.

597
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:05,480
Speaker 3: I haven't done the study in our own office to

598
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:08,360
Speaker 3: see how many come from each, but normally in a session,

599
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:09,560
Speaker 3: most of those come out.

600
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,840
Speaker 1: Is it like not enough intimacy? Like because for me,

601
00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:16,399
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about it, I'm like, okay, yes, sometimes you

602
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,840
Speaker 1: get so busy it's like, okay, we're not having enough sex,

603
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,840
Speaker 1: you know, or you know finance. So and I grew

604
00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:25,760
Speaker 1: up thinking you shouldn't let go of a relationship unless

605
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:28,359
Speaker 1: they're like cheating on you over and over or like

606
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,560
Speaker 1: hitting you being physical mentally abusing you.

607
00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:34,000
Speaker 4: But I always thought like.

608
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,919
Speaker 1: Okay, if we're not meeting I to ee in finances,

609
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:39,480
Speaker 1: let's say, is it okay or not okay?

610
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,120
Speaker 4: But like to let go of the relationship.

611
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:44,400
Speaker 3: Well, I mean, if you it depends on if it's

612
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:46,560
Speaker 3: a relationship or a marriage, because it's different. So if

613
00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:49,240
Speaker 3: it's a relationship, absolutely, I mean you can totally. But

614
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:51,239
Speaker 3: if it's a marriage and it's now, you're not now

615
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:53,760
Speaker 3: you're entering into a lifelong contract.

616
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:56,000
Speaker 4: Like we talked about contracts, right, and so.

617
00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:59,760
Speaker 3: There there's only certain reasons why you should really consider

618
00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:03,240
Speaker 3: an even in that, especially if there are children. Would

619
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:07,280
Speaker 3: I I've seen even domestic violence. Not that I'm saying

620
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:09,120
Speaker 3: anyone in domestic violence needs to stick it out. I

621
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:10,880
Speaker 3: think they need to get into a safe place. But

622
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,800
Speaker 3: I even if there's healing, I've seen that restored. I've

623
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:16,880
Speaker 3: seen infidelity restored obviously, even for my own life.

624
00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:17,960
Speaker 2: So it depends.

625
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:21,480
Speaker 3: If you are just in a dating relationship or even

626
00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:23,880
Speaker 3: engage and you're not seeing eye to eye, then don't

627
00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:25,560
Speaker 3: take the next step if you're not willing to make

628
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:28,560
Speaker 3: that come in. But if you're married, now that's really

629
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:33,120
Speaker 3: important that you really exhaust your resources before you make

630
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:33,760
Speaker 3: a decision.

631
00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:36,640
Speaker 2: And that is also another thing that doesn't happen. People

632
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 2: just like, well, I just I fell out of love.

633
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:41,719
Speaker 3: I said, nah, give me another reason, because you can

634
00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 3: fall back in love like and that just means that

635
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:46,560
Speaker 3: the emotional tank is empty, so we have to start

636
00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 3: filling it up again. And so that means that you've

637
00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:50,880
Speaker 3: checked out. We got to check you back in. And

638
00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:53,240
Speaker 3: so I've seen that happen. That's excuse, Oh I fell

639
00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:53,640
Speaker 3: out of love.

640
00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:56,840
Speaker 2: I'm like, nah, let's let's give me a I don't

641
00:29:56,840 --> 00:29:58,640
Speaker 2: buy your reason. I don't buy it.

642
00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:02,200
Speaker 3: Let's let's see what happened been here, and so yes,

643
00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:05,600
Speaker 3: I mean, if you're going into marriage, you really need

644
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 3: to think of it. It's like it's a lifelong commitment,

645
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:11,600
Speaker 3: it's a lifelong covenant, especially if you have and there's

646
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:13,640
Speaker 3: no shame for those that have been divorced. I'm actually

647
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:17,160
Speaker 3: you know, I'm a divorced woman. But I've seen both ends,

648
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:19,240
Speaker 3: the one that we are able to get be restored,

649
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,719
Speaker 3: and what life looks like with our children. And I

650
00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:25,959
Speaker 3: also have children from another marriage and seeing their health

651
00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:29,600
Speaker 3: is completely different. Like I do believe the generational curse

652
00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:32,280
Speaker 3: is when you step in and do the work and

653
00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:35,840
Speaker 3: correct the patterns so that your children don't have to

654
00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:38,080
Speaker 3: deal with that. And so it would have been easy

655
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:39,680
Speaker 3: for me to step out and say I'm done because

656
00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:41,080
Speaker 3: my husband was unfaithful.

657
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:42,160
Speaker 2: But there it goes again.

658
00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:44,800
Speaker 3: So now my two older children are from one dad,

659
00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:47,000
Speaker 3: my two second one for another dad, and mom's a

660
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:50,800
Speaker 3: single mom, and so the statistics are that my daughters

661
00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:51,160
Speaker 3: are going.

662
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:51,960
Speaker 2: To go through the same thing.

663
00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:53,360
Speaker 4: So you push through it.

664
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 3: I pushed through, and I was going to go through

665
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:57,440
Speaker 3: the work, do the work. My husband was going to

666
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:59,640
Speaker 3: do the work, and now we're able to enjoy even

667
00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 3: our grand babies together, so.

668
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:03,520
Speaker 1: Your grand babies, and helping other people restore their marriages,

669
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:06,959
Speaker 1: which I think is absolaing just out of curiosity and

670
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:09,840
Speaker 1: not to take anything away from your your present, you

671
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:13,160
Speaker 1: know marriage, because it's you know, it's wonderful. But would

672
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:15,120
Speaker 1: you think if you guys, your first marriage, if you

673
00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:17,080
Speaker 1: guys would have gone to therapy, do you think you

674
00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:18,800
Speaker 1: could have saved that marriage?

675
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:22,680
Speaker 3: Absolutely on my husband and I we my husband and

676
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:24,320
Speaker 3: my current husband, and I talk about that all the

677
00:31:24,360 --> 00:31:26,440
Speaker 3: time because people ask me, well, why the first why

678
00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,520
Speaker 3: did the first marriage not work in the second one did?

679
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,840
Speaker 3: The difference was my first husband didn't was checked out,

680
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,760
Speaker 3: like he did not want to, he did not want

681
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:36,760
Speaker 3: anything to do with it. I was open to even

682
00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:40,160
Speaker 3: though he was the one had been faithful. He he

683
00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:43,200
Speaker 3: was unfaithful and he checked out. He actually ended up

684
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:47,000
Speaker 3: marrying the person he was unfaithful with. And so that's

685
00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:49,800
Speaker 3: a whole other area of like forgiveness and all of

686
00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,560
Speaker 3: that that I had to process. But he was checked out,

687
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:56,160
Speaker 3: he didn't want to. So with Rudy, he wanted to.

688
00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:59,040
Speaker 3: He was he he wanted to and I.

689
00:31:59,160 --> 00:32:00,760
Speaker 2: In other terms, I would say it this way.

690
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:02,200
Speaker 3: He was mad enough to look in the mirror and

691
00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:04,000
Speaker 3: say I have issues that I need to work on,

692
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:06,920
Speaker 3: and I was able to do the same thing, and

693
00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:09,640
Speaker 3: then we come together, and then we were able to

694
00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:11,800
Speaker 3: live what we're living today nineteen years later.

695
00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:12,560
Speaker 4: Yeah.

696
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:15,440
Speaker 1: Whoah, that takes base guys, Okay, excuse me, but it

697
00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:18,040
Speaker 1: does for a man to say, you know what, especially

698
00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:20,080
Speaker 1: a man I don't know, because we have this thing

699
00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:23,040
Speaker 1: of men have to be you know, machosen no, you know,

700
00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:25,120
Speaker 1: somebody's no yoa. But it's like when a man can

701
00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:30,240
Speaker 1: say I need help, I want to change, that's freaking amazing. Okay, So, Tanya,

702
00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:33,160
Speaker 1: how much of a difference can therapy really make in

703
00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:36,280
Speaker 1: a in the success of a relationship or of a marriage.

704
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:38,760
Speaker 2: Should I say, oh, my goodness, it's day and night.

705
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:42,440
Speaker 3: If the couple that's coming in is doing the work,

706
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:44,360
Speaker 3: so when they come here, they come in here, whether

707
00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:46,520
Speaker 3: they're doing if they're doing an intensive package, it could

708
00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:48,680
Speaker 3: be you know, three hours, four hours if they wanted

709
00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:50,320
Speaker 3: to do it. So some people will fly in to

710
00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:52,720
Speaker 3: do things like that, but if not, it's like fifty

711
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:54,400
Speaker 3: minutes one session is fifty minutes.

712
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:57,760
Speaker 2: So in fifteen minutes, we're going to ask these questions,

713
00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:00,360
Speaker 2: highlight it, come up with a solution, and apply action.

714
00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,560
Speaker 2: We always have a plan of action. That's great.

715
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,320
Speaker 3: But if you go home and you don't and I

716
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,040
Speaker 3: don't see you for another week and you have not

717
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:09,560
Speaker 3: done one thing, well, it's not going to affect the

718
00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:13,479
Speaker 3: marriage of anything. It's actually going to decrease the marriage

719
00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:16,760
Speaker 3: satisfaction because one person, they're hearing what they're supposed to

720
00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:18,920
Speaker 3: do and they're not doing it right. But if they

721
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:21,080
Speaker 3: go and they do the work and they're intentional and

722
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:23,840
Speaker 3: they're having you know, the meetings and they're having you

723
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:25,840
Speaker 3: know whatever they have to do right and they have

724
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:28,200
Speaker 3: to set their calendars or they need to have this

725
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,840
Speaker 3: way of communication, or they have to have more intimacy

726
00:33:31,040 --> 00:33:34,600
Speaker 3: or date nights or whatever it is, and they do that. Oh,

727
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:39,720
Speaker 3: we have seen marriages go from the brink of divorce to.

728
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:42,200
Speaker 2: Like fully fully.

729
00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:45,959
Speaker 3: Enjoying their families, their businesses, their ministries.

730
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,000
Speaker 2: And it is life changing. I mean, this is my

731
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:49,920
Speaker 2: life mission.

732
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:51,360
Speaker 3: Like if I were to die to day, I know

733
00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:55,360
Speaker 3: that I've accomplished my mission because I've seen more couples

734
00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:57,320
Speaker 3: restored and living in health than the ones that have

735
00:33:57,360 --> 00:33:59,640
Speaker 3: been divorced after they put all this into practice.

736
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,480
Speaker 1: And I see it with my sister, I really I

737
00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:05,400
Speaker 1: see it with my sister and her husband, and it's

738
00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:07,480
Speaker 1: just it's beautiful to watch, you know, because I know

739
00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:09,959
Speaker 1: what they went through, and but they really pushed through

740
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:11,440
Speaker 1: and they were both on the same page and they

741
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:15,080
Speaker 1: both wanted it. And Jackie said that sometimes she'd be

742
00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:17,000
Speaker 1: so mad. She said, I'm so mad a Talian rudy

743
00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:19,360
Speaker 1: right now. But then she was like, oh, I'm so grateful.

744
00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:21,600
Speaker 1: She's like, actually, I went back and I'm like, okay,

745
00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:23,359
Speaker 1: I thought about it. So she's like, you, they went

746
00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:26,040
Speaker 1: through all of the emotions with you, guys, and now

747
00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:27,839
Speaker 1: I see the fruits of it, you know. And even

748
00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,400
Speaker 1: you guys are the ones that married them. You know,

749
00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:32,840
Speaker 1: they knew their vowels, guys, and it was such a

750
00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:35,920
Speaker 1: beautiful ceremony. It just makes me happy. It makes me

751
00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:38,920
Speaker 1: happy because my sister, we didn't see a healthy marriage,

752
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:41,960
Speaker 1: you guys, and no marriage is perfect. But she's really

753
00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:44,759
Speaker 1: worked so hard and making this work. And I see

754
00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:46,640
Speaker 1: them and they're in such a good place and I'm

755
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:49,279
Speaker 1: praying that it just gets better. So I thank you

756
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:51,479
Speaker 1: guys for that, because you guys really of course, God,

757
00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:54,640
Speaker 1: but you guys really guided them, and I think it's wonderful,

758
00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:56,800
Speaker 1: which is why now I'm like, okay, I'm in your hands.

759
00:34:58,040 --> 00:35:01,200
Speaker 2: Yes, well we counted our privilege. I mean, really counteraprivileged

760
00:35:01,239 --> 00:35:03,200
Speaker 2: to be able to walk with people.

761
00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:06,320
Speaker 3: In their darkest times. It's a privilege, it's a responsibility.

762
00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:08,520
Speaker 3: We don't take that lightly. And the thing with like

763
00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:10,799
Speaker 3: your sister and Mike, like with Jackie and Mike, is

764
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:13,080
Speaker 3: that at any time when they start to feel any friction,

765
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,000
Speaker 3: if they need to pick up the call, we do

766
00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:17,560
Speaker 3: a quick like adjustment, you know, like when your back

767
00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:19,000
Speaker 3: is out of whack and you go to the chiropract

768
00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:22,600
Speaker 3: you get adjusted, and it's like, oh that's it, that's it, Okay,

769
00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:24,120
Speaker 3: We're ready for another five years, you know.

770
00:35:24,239 --> 00:35:25,640
Speaker 2: And so they have a safe place.

771
00:35:25,840 --> 00:35:28,520
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's awesome. I believe refresher. We all need it,

772
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:29,200
Speaker 4: that's right.

773
00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:32,239
Speaker 3: And so if you're intentional and you have that like

774
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:34,560
Speaker 3: we're committed and we're going to make work at this,

775
00:35:35,080 --> 00:35:35,759
Speaker 3: I mean, it just.

776
00:35:35,719 --> 00:35:39,080
Speaker 2: Becomes such a beautiful life of exploration.

777
00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:40,839
Speaker 3: Because in every season, you're going to explore that new

778
00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:42,800
Speaker 3: season as a husband and wife.

779
00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:45,360
Speaker 1: Oh it's beautiful. And just before I let you go.

780
00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:48,720
Speaker 1: For those who can't get their partner into a therapy session,

781
00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:51,080
Speaker 1: do you have any tips on how to talk about

782
00:35:51,120 --> 00:35:53,560
Speaker 1: issues without having it escalated into a fight.

783
00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:55,480
Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely.

784
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:58,120
Speaker 3: First of all, if we both can understand that we're

785
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:02,719
Speaker 3: a team, right, the both are a team. So it's

786
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:06,359
Speaker 3: not we're fighting against each other. We are work with

787
00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:08,520
Speaker 3: each other, fighting against the issue.

788
00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:09,680
Speaker 4: Okay, okay.

789
00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:12,720
Speaker 3: And so that's a big thing because sometimes we personalize

790
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:17,239
Speaker 3: the issue instead of like it's it's so internalized that

791
00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:18,960
Speaker 3: we make the person the issue, but it's not.

792
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:19,760
Speaker 2: It's the behavior.

793
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:24,040
Speaker 3: So even something as like even writing it out on something,

794
00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:26,920
Speaker 3: you're externalizing finances. So you put it out and so like, hey,

795
00:36:27,239 --> 00:36:29,839
Speaker 3: how together can we look at finances and how can

796
00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:30,640
Speaker 3: we make this work?

797
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:32,520
Speaker 2: Instead of you spend too much money?

798
00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:34,880
Speaker 3: No, but this, and you don't you know, you're controlling

799
00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:36,680
Speaker 3: and you go back and forth, back and forth. You're

800
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:39,239
Speaker 3: attacking each other, but you're not really even dealing with

801
00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:41,799
Speaker 3: the actual issue, which is finances. We were on this

802
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:44,360
Speaker 3: finance talk, right, so what does finance mean? Hey, we

803
00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:47,320
Speaker 3: need these finances, we have these goals. Now we start

804
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:52,040
Speaker 3: talking through this issue of finances with a solution focused

805
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:56,000
Speaker 3: rather than focusing on each other that you're the problem. Yeah,

806
00:36:56,040 --> 00:36:58,879
Speaker 3: because as soon as someone feels attacked, they shut down.

807
00:36:58,960 --> 00:37:00,200
Speaker 3: I mean, no one wants to be at time, No

808
00:37:00,239 --> 00:37:01,680
Speaker 3: one wants to be called a liar, no one wants

809
00:37:01,719 --> 00:37:03,120
Speaker 3: to be called a manipulator.

810
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:05,920
Speaker 2: All the words that we use when we're angry people

811
00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:08,560
Speaker 2: don't they shut down. They'll shut down or they'll escalate.

812
00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:11,520
Speaker 3: And so I think that's really being able to externalize

813
00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:14,440
Speaker 3: the behavior looking at it like this is the issue,

814
00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:16,839
Speaker 3: and together, we're holding hands and we're going to see

815
00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:21,000
Speaker 3: how we're going to make this work for us instead

816
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:23,440
Speaker 3: of us fighting against each other. So the gloves, the

817
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:27,040
Speaker 3: boxing gloves should be towards the behavior, not towards each other.

818
00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:29,800
Speaker 4: Ooh and guys, let me tell you that was a

819
00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:33,120
Speaker 4: big one for me. I was like, hold on, It's

820
00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:34,040
Speaker 4: like I ride away.

821
00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:36,560
Speaker 1: I had my boxing gloves on my hold up, I'm ready,

822
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:38,600
Speaker 1: I'm ready, you know, And it's like wait a second, No,

823
00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:41,919
Speaker 1: I have to move away from seeing like or trying

824
00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:43,920
Speaker 1: to fight with a medio. It's like him against I.

825
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:46,759
Speaker 1: It's more of like, okay, we have to choose to

826
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:50,640
Speaker 1: really figure out a solution for this situation or whatever

827
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:52,640
Speaker 1: it is that's bothering us. And that was a huge,

828
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:55,720
Speaker 1: I don't know, epiphany for me where I'm like, oh wow, okay,

829
00:37:55,719 --> 00:37:57,759
Speaker 1: wait what you just said really helped me a lot

830
00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:00,160
Speaker 1: where I was like, oh my gosh, okay, yeah, you're right.

831
00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:02,480
Speaker 1: You know, we're holding each other's hand and say we're

832
00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:06,560
Speaker 1: doing this together. So that those are two big things. Tanya,

833
00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:08,840
Speaker 1: thank you so much. I really enjoyed our conversation. And

834
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:10,799
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful because I know you're busy for you

835
00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:12,839
Speaker 1: to take the time to come on the podcast, and

836
00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:15,560
Speaker 1: you know, I thought it was people to hear me

837
00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:18,080
Speaker 1: talking about therapy all the time. I talk about it

838
00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:20,520
Speaker 1: so much. I'm like, why not have my therapist on.

839
00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:23,040
Speaker 3: So I am so excited, thank you, and thank you

840
00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:24,759
Speaker 3: for the privilege to allow me to walk with you.

841
00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:27,719
Speaker 3: That I accounted a privilege and honor and I just

842
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:31,320
Speaker 3: love to see how you're making strides and become emotionally

843
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:34,040
Speaker 3: healthy and really seeing life from a different perspective, and

844
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:36,480
Speaker 3: so thank you for that privilege that you've given to me.

845
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:38,000
Speaker 3: So and even to be here on the show and

846
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:41,600
Speaker 3: being able to share some of my personal experiences along

847
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:43,239
Speaker 3: as well of my professional experiences.

848
00:38:43,239 --> 00:38:43,839
Speaker 2: So thank you.

849
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:46,600
Speaker 1: Oh before you go, can you please share your website

850
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:49,040
Speaker 1: with us so people that are looking for therapy, couples

851
00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:51,600
Speaker 1: therapy or whatnot can reach out to you.

852
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,800
Speaker 3: Yes, you can find us at Breath of Life Foundation

853
00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:57,240
Speaker 3: dot info I NFO.

854
00:38:57,880 --> 00:38:59,719
Speaker 1: Thank you, Thank you you guys, And before we go,

855
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,240
Speaker 1: you know I always leave you with a motivational quote

856
00:39:03,320 --> 00:39:06,560
Speaker 1: to end each episode, So cue the music, here we go.

857
00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:16,680
Speaker 1: So here is the quote for this episode. It's fairly

858
00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:20,200
Speaker 1: quick and to the point. Invest in your mind, invest

859
00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:23,760
Speaker 1: in your health, invest in yourself and you, guys, therapy

860
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:27,919
Speaker 1: is a great investment, one you will never regret. Thank

861
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:30,359
Speaker 1: you so much, Tanya, You guys, thank you again for

862
00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:32,680
Speaker 1: being here on this episode of Cheeky's and Michel. I

863
00:39:32,719 --> 00:39:41,000
Speaker 1: hope you enjoyed it. Los quiro mucos. Do you need

864
00:39:41,040 --> 00:39:45,759
Speaker 1: advice on love, relationships, health emails? I'm so excited to

865
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:48,359
Speaker 1: share with you that my Cheeky's and Chill podcast will

866
00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:51,760
Speaker 1: have an extra episode drop each week. I'll be answering

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Speaker 1: all your questions. Just leave me a voice message, person, Menday,

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Speaker 1: All you have to do is go to speak pipe

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Speaker 1: dot Com, slash Cheeky's and Chill podcast and record your questions.

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Speaker 4: I can't wait to hear from you.

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Speaker 1: This is a production of iHeartRadio and the Michaeldura podcast Network.

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Speaker 1: Follow us on Instagram at Michael Gura Podcasts and follow

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Speaker 1: me Cheeky's That's c h i q o i s.

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Speaker 1: For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

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Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite podcast, and check

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Speaker 1: us out on YouTube.