WEBVTT - Sacred Sex w/ Liz Goldwyn

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<v Speaker 1>Some of the best sex obviously are anonymous. Sex can

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<v Speaker 1>be with some of the worst people, and you're literally

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<v Speaker 1>taking on that juju and it takes a long time

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<v Speaker 1>to clear. Like in my book of the book I

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<v Speaker 1>just gave you Sex, Health and Consciousness, I tell people

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<v Speaker 1>to say stage their genitals.

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<v Speaker 2>Right, Oh they're generals. Oh my god, I'll do that.

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<v Speaker 1>Just stand up and show you.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, please please. You know what, this is a safe

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<v Speaker 2>space to talk about relationships, love and sex. Now let

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<v Speaker 2>me tell you something messy.

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<v Speaker 1>Hi.

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<v Speaker 2>Welcome, Welcome, Welcome to the show. Okay, so if you've

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<v Speaker 2>been here for a while, you know that the opening

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<v Speaker 2>used to say, you know what we do here destroytioning

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<v Speaker 2>around sex by talking about sex. But you know we

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<v Speaker 2>are about what is it? So we started in September,

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<v Speaker 2>I Tobe of November December, during your February March. We

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<v Speaker 2>are about six months, almost seven months into doing this podcast,

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<v Speaker 2>and it's it's become clear that we do a lot

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<v Speaker 2>more than just talk about sex. Now, sex may be

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<v Speaker 2>our entry point, but as you you know, we talk

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<v Speaker 2>about relationships, we talk about family, we talk about dating,

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<v Speaker 2>we talk about identity, we talk about so many things.

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<v Speaker 2>And so I wanted to update the show description and

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<v Speaker 2>opening to reflect that that, yes, we do talk about

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<v Speaker 2>sex because we host here, but there's so much more.

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<v Speaker 2>So let me read you what the new description of

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<v Speaker 2>the show. We'll say, here we go, It's time for

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<v Speaker 2>a messy key key about relationships, love and sex. Tell

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<v Speaker 2>Me Something Messy is an educational comedy podcast hosted by writer, actor,

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<v Speaker 2>and sexual mental wellness advocate Brandon Kyle Goodman, henceforth known

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<v Speaker 2>as Messy Mom. Come On, Eating, Eating Eating. Each week,

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<v Speaker 2>Messy patrons are invited to leave perfectionism at the door

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<v Speaker 2>and wad into the wild, wonderful world of dating, drama, pleasure, pursuits,

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<v Speaker 2>and communication breakthroughs. With Messy Mom activated, BKG steers the

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<v Speaker 2>key key as unfiltered guests and callers unpack entanglements and

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<v Speaker 2>embrace their truth. Tell Me Something Messy is a no

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<v Speaker 2>judgment zone where communication is currency and showing up fully

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<v Speaker 2>is law. Bitch that eats, Listen that eats. If you've

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<v Speaker 2>been here, you know that it is literally what we do.

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<v Speaker 2>And those are all the tenants and the comeponents, honey,

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<v Speaker 2>come oponents of this show. So I'm excited to have

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<v Speaker 2>the update and also I see that y'all have been

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<v Speaker 2>rating and reviewing, and I'm so so appreciative. Like I said,

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<v Speaker 2>that really helps us expand the show and grow the show.

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<v Speaker 2>So if you haven't done so already, please please please rate, review, subscribe.

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<v Speaker 2>You can just leave a quick review that says I

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<v Speaker 2>love a show, I love Brandon, the show's the shit

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<v Speaker 2>whatever it is, Okay, it really helps the show. So

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<v Speaker 2>we're at like I think, one hundred and sixty or

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<v Speaker 2>something reviews and ratings. So you know we're going to

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<v Speaker 2>do a new goal. I say, by the end of April.

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<v Speaker 2>So we got a little over a month, honey, by

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<v Speaker 2>the end of April, can we get to two hundred

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<v Speaker 2>and sixty? That's so specific. One hundred more reviews and ratings.

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<v Speaker 2>Two hundred and sixty reviews and ratings. So if you

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<v Speaker 2>have it yet, baby, go ahead and give us some

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<v Speaker 2>five stars, write a little this show is everything, and

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<v Speaker 2>follow the show again. It helps so much. Now all

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<v Speaker 2>that said, I'm gonna give you this whole like we're

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<v Speaker 2>expanding what the show does here. It's not just about sex,

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<v Speaker 2>it's relationships, identity, and it's love. But today we won't

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<v Speaker 2>really talking about sex down we'll talk about other things too,

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<v Speaker 2>But my guest today is incredible and maybe you know

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<v Speaker 2>what that means. It's time for a guess now why

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<v Speaker 2>they get situated? We'll get our messy. Kikey started with

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<v Speaker 2>a how manifesto repeat after me aloud or in your head.

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<v Speaker 2>Grant me the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage

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<v Speaker 2>to heal, the wisdom to know that sex is not

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<v Speaker 2>just about penetration, The audacity to advocate for my pleasure

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<v Speaker 2>and boundaries. The strength to not call my ex that

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<v Speaker 2>fuck boy, fuck girl, or fuck bay, for it is

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<v Speaker 2>better to masturbate by myself in peace than to let

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<v Speaker 2>someone play in my motherfuckerr face that the community say hoolujah.

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<v Speaker 2>I am so excited to have Liz Goldwyn on the show.

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<v Speaker 2>Liz Goldwyn is an author, filmmaker, and the founder of

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<v Speaker 2>the sex Ed, an educational platform dedicated to sex health

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<v Speaker 2>and consciousness. Liz is the writer and director of the

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<v Speaker 2>documentary Pretty Things. She's also the author of the non

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<v Speaker 2>fiction book Pretty Things, The Last Generation of American Burlesque Queens,

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<v Speaker 2>and the novel Sporting Guide based on original historical research.

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<v Speaker 2>Liz is now writing a weekly autobiographical substat called Starfucker,

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<v Speaker 2>an expose of our cultural obsession with celebrity and a

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<v Speaker 2>loving tribute to growing up Hollywood Royalty. Y'all please help me.

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<v Speaker 2>Welcome Liz Goldwyn.

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<v Speaker 1>Hi wool Hey, thanks so much for having me.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank you for me here. We're like internet friends, and

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<v Speaker 2>so we're meeting for the first time.

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<v Speaker 1>We're Internet and substack friends.

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<v Speaker 2>Substack friends. Yes, and we know some of the same

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<v Speaker 2>people we do. You interviewed my bosses, my former bosses

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<v Speaker 2>from big Mouth.

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<v Speaker 1>That's right, I did. I interviewed them for the Sex

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<v Speaker 1>Said podcast. Yes, and we're substack friends.

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<v Speaker 2>We're subsack friends. Your subsack has my favorite my favorite day,

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<v Speaker 2>star fucker. Mine is just messy Monday. But I love

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<v Speaker 2>the title star Fucker. We're going to get into all

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<v Speaker 2>of it. We'll talk about but before we do that,

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<v Speaker 2>let's do our messy mandate. So the messy mandates for

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<v Speaker 2>a messy key key is that things get to be

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<v Speaker 2>on process. Any thoughts or opinions shared have their right

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<v Speaker 2>to evolve, shift, or change today, tomorrow or ten years

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<v Speaker 2>from now. And if during the conversation anything unintentionally of

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<v Speaker 2>friends or we need to like, take a moment. We

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<v Speaker 2>just say that safe word foosball, and it gives us

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<v Speaker 2>all booze ball, gives us a chance to stop pause, pivot.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, got it?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, dope, amazing. Okay, shall we start with alue breaker.

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<v Speaker 1>Let's do it, let's loop.

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<v Speaker 2>Always use loop. Okay, So we're gonna play. Come on,

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<v Speaker 2>don't go too fast. You can go fast after after

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<v Speaker 2>we started, after we.

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<v Speaker 1>Get started exactly.

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<v Speaker 2>So loop breaker, smash or pass. I'll give you a

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<v Speaker 2>problem and smash you pass it. So smash your pass.

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<v Speaker 1>Hair pulling, hair pulling, I'm not I'm down for a

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<v Speaker 1>little hair pulling. Yeah, I don't usually so, like unless

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<v Speaker 1>I have four brothers and so when I was a kid,

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<v Speaker 1>that's usually how the fight would end. That hair pulling,

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<v Speaker 1>the bedroom, bedroom hair pulling. I'm more into like a

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<v Speaker 1>tender yeah, and more into a spank.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, you like a handspank of paddle spank.

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<v Speaker 1>I like a handspank. Okay, I like some handspanking more

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<v Speaker 1>than the hair pulling. But like, I'm not mad at

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<v Speaker 1>the hair pulling.

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<v Speaker 2>I like a little I like a little hair pulling,

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<v Speaker 2>but has to be with somebody specific because you know,

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<v Speaker 2>I was showing everybody up in my hair like that,

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<v Speaker 2>so it has to be like my partner. I don't one.

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<v Speaker 2>Sometimes my hair is longer and they can do it.

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<v Speaker 2>Right now it's a little shorter, they can't do it.

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<v Speaker 2>But I'm always scared to hair pull although I do have.

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<v Speaker 2>I did have one partner who loves hair pool and

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<v Speaker 2>like doesn't have a tender head, so he likes And

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<v Speaker 2>I'm turned on when my partner's turned on. So like

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<v Speaker 2>the heart of the poll, he like the moment.

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<v Speaker 1>The harder the the harder they come.

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<v Speaker 2>It's just brand smash or pass a finger in your

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<v Speaker 2>mouth or fingers in your mouth.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not mad at a finger in the mouth, I said,

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<v Speaker 1>smash that.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>I also really like biting lips. Oh yeah, I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know if I have my lip bit it's hot.

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<v Speaker 2>It's hot. That does so hot. I feel like I've

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<v Speaker 2>seen it on TV, Like you know, you buy your

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<v Speaker 2>own lip. I think that's hot. On somebody bites their

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<v Speaker 2>own lip, Yeah, that so sexy. But biting your partner's lip,

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<v Speaker 2>I haven't done that.

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<v Speaker 1>Little love bite I love.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna try that. I would definitely I smash finger

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<v Speaker 2>in the mouth. There's something like so fairal and primal

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<v Speaker 2>when you're like hot and sweaty, and then like you're

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<v Speaker 2>just like, yeah, it's everything.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, we love some fair We love to.

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<v Speaker 2>Me like, that's where I want my sex to be. Ultimately,

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<v Speaker 2>I want it to be like sweaty and nasty and

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<v Speaker 2>like we can do whatever we want conventually and respectfully

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<v Speaker 2>smash the past, public play.

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<v Speaker 1>Public play. I mean, I guess like a light like PDA,

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<v Speaker 1>but I'm not I'm not an exhibitionist.

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<v Speaker 2>That's fair.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's fair. Not really, although I have erotic a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of erotic fantasies involving libraries.

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<v Speaker 2>Can you tell me one of them?

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<v Speaker 1>Well, you know, I'm an author and I've written a

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<v Speaker 1>few books, and I just have this fantasy about like

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<v Speaker 1>a hot professor and like, you know, the rare book

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<v Speaker 1>room at the at the library.

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<v Speaker 2>Rare book room, yes, being like.

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<v Speaker 1>Pressed up against these like dusty books.

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like my husband, my husband who loves books

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<v Speaker 2>and like our houses, our apartners like filled with books,

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<v Speaker 2>would have this fantasy as well. Yeah, I mean his

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<v Speaker 2>dream is still have like the Beauty and the Beast library.

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<v Speaker 1>Essentially a library ladder. Yeah, like an overstuffed leather chair

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<v Speaker 1>or absolutely fireplace.

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<v Speaker 2>Going and then maybe like a little secret passage one

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<v Speaker 2>of the bookshelves. Absolutely to your sex room. Absolutely, I'm

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<v Speaker 2>into this. I what do I feel about public play.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not opposed to it. I love it when it

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<v Speaker 2>is in the context of like a sex party or

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<v Speaker 2>a dark room or like you know, places where we're

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<v Speaker 2>like this is happening, yeah, as opposed to like we're

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<v Speaker 2>just driving down the street and you're like, let's pull

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<v Speaker 2>over and do something that. I always get scared about

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<v Speaker 2>getting caught. I like it to be I haven't.

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<v Speaker 1>I've done that once, Yeah, in West Hollywood with an author,

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<v Speaker 1>actually a novelist, with a hot novelist, Yeah, who had

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<v Speaker 1>in a parked car on the street I lived on,

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<v Speaker 1>which I won't name, but it's really near the Chateau Marmont,

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<v Speaker 1>and like just pulled over on the street with like

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<v Speaker 1>the windows of the car all fogged up, and it

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<v Speaker 1>was honestly so hot. It was super hot.

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<v Speaker 2>One of my only uh a couple of well, one

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<v Speaker 2>of my only public places was West Hollywood, which was

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<v Speaker 2>which was in the alleyway. Wasn't as cute as a car,

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<v Speaker 2>but it was an alleyway, and then I think I

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<v Speaker 2>also sucked behind another bar on the east side. There's

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<v Speaker 2>something about these alleyways and these garages and these Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, when we've we've had enough drinks, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>snipped a couple of poppers, You're like, let's let's do it.

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<v Speaker 2>Do it. Lizzy won the gang. My unconditional congratulations, patrons

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<v Speaker 2>and hoes. If you have a loop breaker ideas or

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<v Speaker 2>messy prompts or messy stories, you can email me at

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<v Speaker 2>tell Me Something Messy at gmail dot com. Speaking up, Liz,

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<v Speaker 2>can you tell me something messy?

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, I'm gonna tell you something real messy. I love

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<v Speaker 1>it that when we first met and I did a

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<v Speaker 1>pece you interviewed me for your sub stack, I told

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<v Speaker 1>you that I had just had a really bad breakup.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes you did, Okay. So I discovered in this breakup

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<v Speaker 1>that this person that I loved and had been involved

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<v Speaker 1>with for about six years a little bit, some of

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<v Speaker 1>it off and on, but mostly on. I stopped counting

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<v Speaker 1>after I discovered the twenty eighth different, the twenty eighth

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<v Speaker 1>sugar baby, he and did those calculated calculations in my

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<v Speaker 1>head while he was sleeping in my bed. By the way,

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<v Speaker 1>is when I discovered this. Wait wait, hello, okay discover

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<v Speaker 1>We were at dinner. I was feeling really stuck in

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<v Speaker 1>the relationship, and I literally like prayed to my guides

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<v Speaker 1>and my ancestors, please give me a message, Please give

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<v Speaker 1>me a sign, Please give me some guidance, like what

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<v Speaker 1>I do in this relationship. Sure, And I was in

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<v Speaker 1>La I was flying back to Hawaii in the morning.

0:11:53.559 --> 0:11:56.760
<v Speaker 1>I hadn't gotten a message, and I was, you know,

0:11:56.920 --> 0:11:59.400
<v Speaker 1>we're feeling stuck. I was feeling stuck. We're out to dinner,

0:11:59.720 --> 0:12:01.760
<v Speaker 1>sharing a plate of oysters, and he says to me,

0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:04.120
<v Speaker 1>do you think your father was a sex addict? He

0:12:04.160 --> 0:12:06.839
<v Speaker 1>says this. At dinner, we're like talking about my dad. Well,

0:12:06.880 --> 0:12:09.160
<v Speaker 1>my dad. You know, my dad was actually arrested for

0:12:09.240 --> 0:12:12.360
<v Speaker 1>soliciting sex worker when I was like an infant, and

0:12:12.400 --> 0:12:15.400
<v Speaker 1>he knew this, like he knew all my stuff around

0:12:15.640 --> 0:12:19.679
<v Speaker 1>like monogamy, Like you know, we're in a monogamous relationship.

0:12:19.760 --> 0:12:22.160
<v Speaker 1>Like we're talking really openly all the time about sex.

0:12:22.200 --> 0:12:23.760
<v Speaker 1>I mean, of course that's what you and I do.

0:12:23.840 --> 0:12:27.040
<v Speaker 1>So you I think establishing that trust in a relationship

0:12:27.120 --> 0:12:29.400
<v Speaker 1>is so important. So maybe you do want to be

0:12:29.440 --> 0:12:33.160
<v Speaker 1>polyamorous or whatever. But you talk about it, you don't communication. Yeah,

0:12:33.160 --> 0:12:35.480
<v Speaker 1>and he knew I had all these, like, you know,

0:12:35.600 --> 0:12:39.720
<v Speaker 1>trauma from my dad being this way or women. So

0:12:39.760 --> 0:12:41.240
<v Speaker 1>he says this to me, and I kind of put

0:12:41.280 --> 0:12:42.679
<v Speaker 1>it in the back of my head. I said, that's

0:12:42.720 --> 0:12:45.360
<v Speaker 1>an odd question to ask. Then we get home. We're

0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:47.920
<v Speaker 1>watching a movie and I want to google something about

0:12:47.920 --> 0:12:50.800
<v Speaker 1>the actor and he hands me his phone and he's

0:12:50.800 --> 0:12:53.240
<v Speaker 1>not precious with you know, his past code or anything.

0:12:53.679 --> 0:12:56.320
<v Speaker 1>So I type it in looking it up. We're lying

0:12:56.320 --> 0:12:59.559
<v Speaker 1>there together and a number, a number comes up, this

0:12:59.679 --> 0:13:03.160
<v Speaker 1>note and then two hearts pop up, and he snatches

0:13:03.200 --> 0:13:05.360
<v Speaker 1>the phone out of my hand and swipes it up

0:13:05.400 --> 0:13:08.720
<v Speaker 1>so fast. So I was like. We go to bed,

0:13:08.840 --> 0:13:11.400
<v Speaker 1>and I'm like, fuck, I'm leaving in the morning. I

0:13:11.440 --> 0:13:13.080
<v Speaker 1>got to take a look at the phone. And I'm

0:13:13.080 --> 0:13:15.640
<v Speaker 1>not the type to do this. I don't even want

0:13:15.679 --> 0:13:18.240
<v Speaker 1>to be the type, like I feel like it's not

0:13:18.360 --> 0:13:19.360
<v Speaker 1>sexy to be you.

0:13:19.320 --> 0:13:21.360
<v Speaker 2>Know, sure, but that moment makes you go.

0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:25.040
<v Speaker 1>So he fall, he passes out. I go and I

0:13:25.120 --> 0:13:28.080
<v Speaker 1>open up the phone and it's like, well, first of all,

0:13:28.120 --> 0:13:33.520
<v Speaker 1>that first girl, Teresa two hearts. Sure there were photos

0:13:33.640 --> 0:13:35.840
<v Speaker 1>that she sent him. So since we went to bed,

0:13:36.040 --> 0:13:39.600
<v Speaker 1>more more text came through from that number, photos of

0:13:39.640 --> 0:13:44.880
<v Speaker 1>them on a hike that morning with his dogs. No, no, no, Yeah.

0:13:44.960 --> 0:13:48.120
<v Speaker 1>I keep scrolling back, scrolling back, and I see, like,

0:13:48.360 --> 0:13:52.280
<v Speaker 1>you know whatever, explicit sexting, et cetera. She's found another

0:13:52.320 --> 0:13:54.480
<v Speaker 1>girl for them to party with. I scroll all the

0:13:54.520 --> 0:13:57.679
<v Speaker 1>way back from the beginning and they've met off seeking arrangements,

0:13:57.840 --> 0:14:02.640
<v Speaker 1>and it's like it's like a sugar Daddy sugar baby website. Yeah,

0:14:02.720 --> 0:14:05.120
<v Speaker 1>so I go back to the very beginning and there

0:14:05.160 --> 0:14:08.560
<v Speaker 1>he's like saying what he pays per you know, what

0:14:08.679 --> 0:14:11.680
<v Speaker 1>he generally pays per week or per month or whatever.

0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:15.840
<v Speaker 1>So I'm like, Okay, while I'm looking through this text

0:14:15.840 --> 0:14:18.000
<v Speaker 1>from another girl comes through. Scroll back to the beginning

0:14:18.040 --> 0:14:19.960
<v Speaker 1>of that. That one he hasn't even saved the name

0:14:20.280 --> 0:14:23.360
<v Speaker 1>in the phone, and they're just like negotiating to me.

0:14:23.600 --> 0:14:25.600
<v Speaker 1>Keep I was like, a fuck, if there's only two

0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:28.240
<v Speaker 1>in this last like twenty minutes. I keep going through

0:14:28.320 --> 0:14:32.440
<v Speaker 1>the phone. It was like I lost count about twenty

0:14:32.440 --> 0:14:35.320
<v Speaker 1>eight different women. But it was all you know, repeated,

0:14:35.400 --> 0:14:38.360
<v Speaker 1>like cut, copy and paste the language. Yeah, what he's

0:14:38.360 --> 0:14:41.920
<v Speaker 1>looking for? Copy and paste the photos that he was using,

0:14:41.920 --> 0:14:47.360
<v Speaker 1>which were like fucking outdated selfies. Also, he said, some

0:14:47.440 --> 0:14:52.120
<v Speaker 1>of these girls photos of the view from my house

0:14:52.320 --> 0:14:57.160
<v Speaker 1>in Hawaii on my fucking birthday, on my fucking birthday,

0:14:57.640 --> 0:15:00.520
<v Speaker 1>which is Christmas Day. No, while he was saying with me,

0:15:00.760 --> 0:15:03.640
<v Speaker 1>and it had gotten like really, you know, it was

0:15:03.680 --> 0:15:06.520
<v Speaker 1>almost like the last in the last you know, few months,

0:15:07.000 --> 0:15:10.080
<v Speaker 1>it had gotten out of control, like a mania with it.

0:15:10.440 --> 0:15:12.440
<v Speaker 1>So I start calculating in my head how much money

0:15:12.480 --> 0:15:15.200
<v Speaker 1>he's spending, and it's like he doesn't even remember anything

0:15:15.200 --> 0:15:17.720
<v Speaker 1>about these women. He left one woman he like arranged

0:15:17.760 --> 0:15:19.520
<v Speaker 1>a date where she had a she was a single mom,

0:15:20.000 --> 0:15:22.880
<v Speaker 1>got childcare. He just didn't show up. My god, you know,

0:15:23.080 --> 0:15:27.240
<v Speaker 1>just like he was messy. He was messy, so I knew.

0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:29.400
<v Speaker 1>So I then I go back to bed and I

0:15:29.480 --> 0:15:32.680
<v Speaker 1>just so I didn't sleep. I lay in bed, thinking

0:15:33.000 --> 0:15:36.080
<v Speaker 1>he's gonna lie to me if I if I, you know,

0:15:36.280 --> 0:15:38.720
<v Speaker 1>ask him about this. I just laid him. I got

0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:44.960
<v Speaker 1>the message. I got a lot of that. So I'm

0:15:45.040 --> 0:15:47.760
<v Speaker 1>laying in bed and I'm thinking, you know, and then

0:15:47.760 --> 0:15:50.720
<v Speaker 1>I start convincing myself. I start gaslighting myself, like did

0:15:50.760 --> 0:15:52.440
<v Speaker 1>I make this up? Did this really? Because I was

0:15:52.520 --> 0:15:55.080
<v Speaker 1>so shocking, Like I thought this person was one of

0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:57.240
<v Speaker 1>my best friends. And we had literally just had a

0:15:57.240 --> 0:16:00.400
<v Speaker 1>conversation two days before where I said, I don't think

0:16:00.400 --> 0:16:02.840
<v Speaker 1>that we're meant to be together. What do you think

0:16:02.880 --> 0:16:05.120
<v Speaker 1>about dating other people? No, I don't want to date

0:16:05.160 --> 0:16:09.160
<v Speaker 1>anyone else. I'm barely even masturbating, I swear to God,

0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:11.360
<v Speaker 1>I swear to God. I said, what do you think

0:16:11.400 --> 0:16:14.800
<v Speaker 1>about me dating other people? No, I wouldn't like that.

0:16:14.800 --> 0:16:16.720
<v Speaker 1>That would really be hard for me. But I would

0:16:16.840 --> 0:16:20.800
<v Speaker 1>understand if you're really frustrated with me. Yeah, yeah, because

0:16:21.000 --> 0:16:23.760
<v Speaker 1>this is the only saving grace. He'd been having ed

0:16:23.960 --> 0:16:27.520
<v Speaker 1>problems you and I was really patient with it, and

0:16:27.560 --> 0:16:29.960
<v Speaker 1>I was like, let's find you a doctor, and like

0:16:30.120 --> 0:16:32.240
<v Speaker 1>all this stuff. I was trying to be really like,

0:16:32.840 --> 0:16:37.960
<v Speaker 1>you know, comforting and supportive and all these sayings. So

0:16:38.480 --> 0:16:43.720
<v Speaker 1>thankfully we weren't really having penetrative sexy thank god. Yeah,

0:16:43.840 --> 0:16:46.240
<v Speaker 1>it's like time period because.

0:16:46.240 --> 0:16:49.080
<v Speaker 2>You don't Yeah, there's no yeah, your health, your health, yeah.

0:16:49.240 --> 0:16:52.320
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. He was definitely not using production with these women.

0:16:53.040 --> 0:16:56.400
<v Speaker 1>And anyways, so I was like lying in bed in

0:16:56.480 --> 0:17:00.000
<v Speaker 1>the morning, he got up before me. I'm I'm told him.

0:16:59.840 --> 0:17:01.120
<v Speaker 1>I know, I made it I was like, I need

0:17:01.160 --> 0:17:02.600
<v Speaker 1>one more look at the phone, just to make sure

0:17:02.600 --> 0:17:04.640
<v Speaker 1>I'm not crazy. So maybe I made this up. Maybe

0:17:04.680 --> 0:17:06.160
<v Speaker 1>I was dreaming. I don't know, maybe this was all

0:17:06.160 --> 0:17:08.640
<v Speaker 1>a bad dream. So he gets in the shower peek

0:17:08.640 --> 0:17:10.680
<v Speaker 1>at the phone one more time, and I see no, no,

0:17:10.720 --> 0:17:13.399
<v Speaker 1>I was right. I make an Excu's supposed to take

0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:15.960
<v Speaker 1>me to the airport to lax. I make an excuse. I'm like, oh,

0:17:16.000 --> 0:17:18.399
<v Speaker 1>I forgot I have therapy, Like, can you give me

0:17:18.520 --> 0:17:22.000
<v Speaker 1>space for an hour? So he leaves. I call one

0:17:22.080 --> 0:17:23.960
<v Speaker 1>of my best guy friends who lives in the neighborhood.

0:17:23.960 --> 0:17:27.320
<v Speaker 1>He comes over. We take a walk. I'm sobbing. I'm like,

0:17:27.320 --> 0:17:30.320
<v Speaker 1>can you take me the airport? Yes? And I attacked

0:17:30.640 --> 0:17:33.360
<v Speaker 1>this ax and I say, oh, something came up in therapy.

0:17:33.480 --> 0:17:35.680
<v Speaker 1>I need time to process. I got a ride get

0:17:35.720 --> 0:17:39.760
<v Speaker 1>to the airport. And by this time, I'm so upset

0:17:39.880 --> 0:17:42.480
<v Speaker 1>and I'm so pissed. And also remember I've done the

0:17:42.480 --> 0:17:45.760
<v Speaker 1>calculations in my head now why he's spending and it's

0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:48.280
<v Speaker 1>a lot of money. Like I calculated that he's spent

0:17:48.400 --> 0:17:52.080
<v Speaker 1>at least sixty thousand dollars in like the last four

0:17:52.119 --> 0:17:56.880
<v Speaker 1>to five months. I know, so and remember the language

0:17:56.880 --> 0:17:58.760
<v Speaker 1>is repeated over and over again, all these texts on

0:17:58.800 --> 0:18:01.480
<v Speaker 1>how much what he he says he'll like pay per

0:18:01.520 --> 0:18:04.320
<v Speaker 1>month for rent or whatever. So this is what I did.

0:18:04.400 --> 0:18:06.440
<v Speaker 1>Right before I got on the plane. I sent him

0:18:06.440 --> 0:18:10.520
<v Speaker 1>a VENMO request for twenty seven hundred dollars with the

0:18:10.560 --> 0:18:13.200
<v Speaker 1>note I heard this is the going rate for seeking

0:18:13.320 --> 0:18:18.120
<v Speaker 1>arrangements plus the therapy I'm going to need to process this.

0:18:19.560 --> 0:18:21.920
<v Speaker 1>I don't know, it just came to me. It came

0:18:22.000 --> 0:18:29.159
<v Speaker 1>to me. Okay, this motherfucker paid it, and I have

0:18:29.280 --> 0:18:31.640
<v Speaker 1>not spoken to him since, so I've had no closure.

0:18:32.000 --> 0:18:34.520
<v Speaker 1>It's about to be like in a couple of weeks,

0:18:34.520 --> 0:18:37.200
<v Speaker 1>it's about to be like a year of me finding

0:18:37.240 --> 0:18:40.159
<v Speaker 1>this out. And my heart is honestly still tender, like

0:18:40.240 --> 0:18:43.400
<v Speaker 1>I've had to really move like molasses with anyone else

0:18:43.440 --> 0:18:47.880
<v Speaker 1>because I just feel so so shocked. He paid it.

0:18:48.160 --> 0:18:50.240
<v Speaker 1>Haven't heard from him since I changed his name to

0:18:50.280 --> 0:18:53.960
<v Speaker 1>sick fuck in my phone, and I wrote I wrote

0:18:53.960 --> 0:18:57.600
<v Speaker 1>about this on my substack. But after like six months,

0:18:57.680 --> 0:19:00.440
<v Speaker 1>and it's called revenge is a dish best serve cold.

0:19:00.600 --> 0:19:03.440
<v Speaker 2>We are going to put this in the show notes,

0:19:04.240 --> 0:19:06.879
<v Speaker 2>and I really go into detail because it's actually funny

0:19:06.920 --> 0:19:09.000
<v Speaker 2>some of the stuff, and I, you know what, honestly

0:19:09.040 --> 0:19:11.600
<v Speaker 2>taking his money made me feel bonded to these women,

0:19:12.080 --> 0:19:13.200
<v Speaker 2>to the sugar baby.

0:19:13.040 --> 0:19:15.760
<v Speaker 1>For me, because it made me feel you know, there

0:19:15.880 --> 0:19:17.560
<v Speaker 1>was one moment, there was a brief moment where I

0:19:17.560 --> 0:19:19.920
<v Speaker 1>felt empowered by taking his money, and I thought, fuck,

0:19:19.960 --> 0:19:22.119
<v Speaker 1>I should have charged him more. And I started imagining

0:19:22.160 --> 0:19:24.520
<v Speaker 1>in my head like, oh, if he wants to talk

0:19:24.560 --> 0:19:26.919
<v Speaker 1>to me, to like, you know, try to apologize or

0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:28.840
<v Speaker 1>speak his mind, I'm in charge him a thousand dollars

0:19:28.880 --> 0:19:31.320
<v Speaker 1>a minute, yeah, you know, for a call. And then

0:19:31.440 --> 0:19:33.920
<v Speaker 1>you know, I realized, you know, that wouldn't actually make

0:19:33.920 --> 0:19:35.919
<v Speaker 1>me feel better. But there was one moment where I

0:19:35.960 --> 0:19:40.000
<v Speaker 1>felt like, yeah, empowered by taking the money and bonded

0:19:40.000 --> 0:19:42.280
<v Speaker 1>with these other women. I'm kind of glad that they

0:19:42.280 --> 0:19:50.800
<v Speaker 1>were taking advantage of him too. My first book and

0:19:50.880 --> 0:19:54.240
<v Speaker 1>film called Pretty Things, was about the last generation of

0:19:54.280 --> 0:19:57.479
<v Speaker 1>American blessed queens and the advent of strip tease. So

0:19:57.680 --> 0:20:00.600
<v Speaker 1>these were like the big star blessed stars of the

0:20:00.680 --> 0:20:03.479
<v Speaker 1>nineteen thirties and forties, and when I was making that work,

0:20:03.600 --> 0:20:06.320
<v Speaker 1>they were in their seventies and eighties, right, And I

0:20:06.400 --> 0:20:09.199
<v Speaker 1>was when I started that work I was eighteen, I

0:20:09.280 --> 0:20:11.479
<v Speaker 1>was married really young. I met my ex husband when

0:20:11.480 --> 0:20:13.840
<v Speaker 1>I was eighteen turning nineteen. So I had this like

0:20:13.880 --> 0:20:17.520
<v Speaker 1>sexual coming of age through these strippers in their seventies

0:20:17.560 --> 0:20:20.639
<v Speaker 1>and eighties when I was in my early twenties, Like

0:20:20.680 --> 0:20:24.159
<v Speaker 1>they were teaching me about men, yes, and they a

0:20:24.200 --> 0:20:26.639
<v Speaker 1>lot of them were, you know, did sex work and

0:20:26.640 --> 0:20:29.399
<v Speaker 1>stuff on the sides, and they really I felt like

0:20:29.440 --> 0:20:32.040
<v Speaker 1>I never had the chance in my life to be

0:20:32.680 --> 0:20:35.679
<v Speaker 1>a sugar baby or I don't know, I was just not,

0:20:35.760 --> 0:20:38.679
<v Speaker 1>I guess not wired like to have those kind of

0:20:38.720 --> 0:20:41.800
<v Speaker 1>like financial relationships with men. And I almost felt like

0:20:41.800 --> 0:20:45.520
<v Speaker 1>I missed out. And so because I have a lot

0:20:45.560 --> 0:20:47.879
<v Speaker 1>of friends too or did that and like you know,

0:20:48.000 --> 0:20:51.159
<v Speaker 1>a lot of friends me too, or like sugar babies

0:20:51.160 --> 0:20:54.119
<v Speaker 1>and it sounds fabulous, I'm like, oh my god, like

0:20:54.200 --> 0:20:56.639
<v Speaker 1>five thousand dollars in cash, like for a dinner and

0:20:56.640 --> 0:20:59.800
<v Speaker 1>you don't even have to do anything, like let's go shopping.

0:21:00.040 --> 0:21:02.960
<v Speaker 1>My second book is about sex, vice and sex work

0:21:03.000 --> 0:21:05.840
<v Speaker 1>in la in eighteen ninety seven, called Sporting Guide. So

0:21:05.840 --> 0:21:08.199
<v Speaker 1>it's a subject that like really interests me. And as

0:21:08.200 --> 0:21:10.960
<v Speaker 1>I told you, my father, you know, was he was

0:21:11.000 --> 0:21:14.040
<v Speaker 1>a total playboy, he was arrested for soliciting a sex

0:21:14.040 --> 0:21:16.440
<v Speaker 1>worker when I was an infant, And so sex work

0:21:16.440 --> 0:21:19.399
<v Speaker 1>has been a theme in my work and in my

0:21:19.920 --> 0:21:25.359
<v Speaker 1>personal life, and so to me going through this personal experience,

0:21:25.400 --> 0:21:27.040
<v Speaker 1>like I have a lot of friends who are sex workers.

0:21:27.040 --> 0:21:28.800
<v Speaker 1>I've done a lot of research on the history of

0:21:28.800 --> 0:21:31.320
<v Speaker 1>sex work in all different cultures and time periods, and

0:21:31.440 --> 0:21:34.920
<v Speaker 1>especially in Los Angeles. Yeah, and of course Sean Baker,

0:21:34.960 --> 0:21:38.000
<v Speaker 1>who directed Anora, I've known him for a long time Tangerine.

0:21:38.080 --> 0:21:41.680
<v Speaker 1>His film Tangerine, Yes I Love is brilliant. If it's

0:21:41.800 --> 0:21:45.080
<v Speaker 1>young and seen it, it's shot on iPhone, it's it

0:21:45.080 --> 0:21:48.600
<v Speaker 1>takes place in Los Angeles. Yeah, as is also set

0:21:48.600 --> 0:21:52.399
<v Speaker 1>in the world of sex work. Yeah. But yeah, I

0:21:52.440 --> 0:21:56.280
<v Speaker 1>think having this personal experience where I was, you know,

0:21:56.320 --> 0:21:58.480
<v Speaker 1>because I had all this like I don't want to say,

0:21:58.480 --> 0:22:03.280
<v Speaker 1>like intellectual or academic or like observer experience of sex work,

0:22:03.560 --> 0:22:06.600
<v Speaker 1>but then having the experience of like taking his money

0:22:07.240 --> 0:22:09.960
<v Speaker 1>and being and I was so hurt. I was so

0:22:10.080 --> 0:22:14.679
<v Speaker 1>destroyed by this. I really did feel I could understand

0:22:14.960 --> 0:22:17.919
<v Speaker 1>why you would feel, like why all these women I

0:22:17.960 --> 0:22:21.719
<v Speaker 1>loved and even had learned from in burlesque felt, you know,

0:22:21.880 --> 0:22:24.080
<v Speaker 1>empowered by it, and I was like, Oh, if this

0:22:24.200 --> 0:22:27.240
<v Speaker 1>wasn't a person that I knew well and that I loved,

0:22:27.560 --> 0:22:30.080
<v Speaker 1>and I was doing it for revenge, I would so

0:22:30.800 --> 0:22:33.280
<v Speaker 1>get off on this. I was so good.

0:22:34.560 --> 0:22:37.280
<v Speaker 2>There's something so I think that we're taught to be

0:22:37.320 --> 0:22:39.639
<v Speaker 2>ashamed of it, but so I forget how people have

0:22:39.720 --> 0:22:41.719
<v Speaker 2>phrased it. But it's like you have sex with some

0:22:41.760 --> 0:22:43.960
<v Speaker 2>of the crappiest people for no money.

0:22:44.160 --> 0:22:49.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, so might as well get And also, you know,

0:22:49.080 --> 0:22:52.000
<v Speaker 1>I've always wondered, like, what is really the difference between

0:22:52.240 --> 0:22:55.760
<v Speaker 1>being a trophy wife? Talk about it, you know, because

0:22:56.359 --> 0:22:59.600
<v Speaker 1>you know, at least you have freedom when you're when

0:22:59.640 --> 0:23:01.800
<v Speaker 1>you're doing it in the way like a sugar baby,

0:23:01.800 --> 0:23:04.280
<v Speaker 1>for example, your own business. You're your own business. Well,

0:23:04.280 --> 0:23:05.879
<v Speaker 1>you don't have to get locked down with some like

0:23:06.080 --> 0:23:08.560
<v Speaker 1>old dude and they have to like sit there while

0:23:08.560 --> 0:23:12.600
<v Speaker 1>he entertailing eating a chicken dinner and some like air

0:23:12.720 --> 0:23:18.200
<v Speaker 1>conditioned ballroom like his boring corporate colleagues, you know, and

0:23:18.240 --> 0:23:21.439
<v Speaker 1>like while you're cause playing child wife, you know, you

0:23:21.440 --> 0:23:23.760
<v Speaker 1>don't have to pop out the kids for them. You

0:23:23.800 --> 0:23:26.560
<v Speaker 1>don't have to like you know, be on the pta

0:23:26.680 --> 0:23:29.960
<v Speaker 1>board or whatever. Right, you just get to be the

0:23:30.080 --> 0:23:34.600
<v Speaker 1>like fun one, you know that like go shop with

0:23:34.720 --> 0:23:36.800
<v Speaker 1>his money. Yeah, there is.

0:23:36.720 --> 0:23:41.600
<v Speaker 2>Something quite far more empowering about that version that situation. Yeah,

0:23:41.880 --> 0:23:43.639
<v Speaker 2>you set what your price is, you set what the

0:23:43.960 --> 0:23:48.040
<v Speaker 2>dynamics are, you set what the expectations are, and then

0:23:48.160 --> 0:23:50.040
<v Speaker 2>you don't have to be attached to it. You don't

0:23:50.040 --> 0:23:53.200
<v Speaker 2>have to be attached to their whole life because because

0:23:53.280 --> 0:23:56.960
<v Speaker 2>part of the kink I think for the sugar Daddy.

0:23:56.880 --> 0:24:00.600
<v Speaker 1>Is being able to pay for this guy for my

0:24:00.760 --> 0:24:02.680
<v Speaker 1>ex Yeah, it was like but here's the thing, I

0:24:02.760 --> 0:24:04.719
<v Speaker 1>knew his business was in trouble, so I'm like, you

0:24:04.760 --> 0:24:08.679
<v Speaker 1>are fucking messy as bus and speaking of Yeah, it was.

0:24:08.920 --> 0:24:10.719
<v Speaker 1>It was an addiction. And that's the thing is that

0:24:10.800 --> 0:24:13.040
<v Speaker 1>I'm one of those people that would have been I

0:24:14.000 --> 0:24:15.840
<v Speaker 1>loved him and I cared about him as a friend.

0:24:16.400 --> 0:24:18.119
<v Speaker 1>So if he had been honest with me and I

0:24:18.160 --> 0:24:21.480
<v Speaker 1>gave him so many opportunities to I would have maybe

0:24:21.480 --> 0:24:24.040
<v Speaker 1>not I would have had the choice to like stay

0:24:24.080 --> 0:24:27.160
<v Speaker 1>with him or not, but I would have still accepted

0:24:27.240 --> 0:24:29.679
<v Speaker 1>him and I would still have like held space for

0:24:29.760 --> 0:24:34.480
<v Speaker 1>him in my life, just not as as a partner. Yeah,

0:24:34.640 --> 0:24:37.040
<v Speaker 1>I mean when you talk about like you know, the

0:24:37.119 --> 0:24:39.960
<v Speaker 1>sex work being not attached to it. It's never obviously

0:24:40.000 --> 0:24:42.199
<v Speaker 1>we know, nothing with sex is ever that simple or

0:24:42.200 --> 0:24:45.520
<v Speaker 1>black and white, right, because there is I think for

0:24:45.600 --> 0:24:48.600
<v Speaker 1>a lot of us, especially if we're like a heteronormative

0:24:48.600 --> 0:24:52.800
<v Speaker 1>woman being penetrated. Yeah, there's a psychic impact of being

0:24:52.880 --> 0:24:55.840
<v Speaker 1>of having penetrate trade of sex or like you're literally

0:24:55.880 --> 0:24:57.439
<v Speaker 1>taking on someone else's energy.

0:24:57.600 --> 0:24:59.920
<v Speaker 2>I always say that, Like I say that for bulbo

0:25:00.040 --> 0:25:02.400
<v Speaker 2>owners and for bottoms, right, Like, if somebody is coming

0:25:02.440 --> 0:25:05.880
<v Speaker 2>in inside you, there's no matter what, there's energy. There's

0:25:05.960 --> 0:25:08.160
<v Speaker 2>energy exchange, even if you were even if you were

0:25:08.200 --> 0:25:10.399
<v Speaker 2>the penis owner, Like, there is an energy exchange. And

0:25:10.440 --> 0:25:13.320
<v Speaker 2>sometimes I feel like, especially in sort of the gay

0:25:13.359 --> 0:25:16.479
<v Speaker 2>male community, we dismiss that. Yeah, it's like I'm not

0:25:16.520 --> 0:25:18.639
<v Speaker 2>saying you can't have your anonymous sex, but I do

0:25:18.720 --> 0:25:22.040
<v Speaker 2>think there's there is value and importance in having intentional

0:25:22.040 --> 0:25:25.400
<v Speaker 2>sex because of that exchange, because of that energetic exchange

0:25:25.400 --> 0:25:26.800
<v Speaker 2>that is absolutely happening.

0:25:27.000 --> 0:25:30.840
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I mean, I fully believe in intentional sex personally,

0:25:30.880 --> 0:25:33.920
<v Speaker 1>and I think probably maybe more in your community. It's

0:25:33.960 --> 0:25:38.040
<v Speaker 1>because man are conditioned to think of sex as disposable

0:25:38.160 --> 0:25:41.560
<v Speaker 1>and like absolutely be cut off from it. From your spirituality.

0:25:41.600 --> 0:25:45.399
<v Speaker 1>But I really do believe that that is one. Yeah,

0:25:45.440 --> 0:25:48.919
<v Speaker 1>that is one. And you know there some of the

0:25:48.920 --> 0:25:51.359
<v Speaker 1>best sex, obviously are anonymous. Sex can be with some

0:25:51.400 --> 0:25:54.400
<v Speaker 1>of the worst people, and you're literally taking on that

0:25:54.520 --> 0:25:57.679
<v Speaker 1>juju and it takes a long time to clear. Like

0:25:57.760 --> 0:26:00.280
<v Speaker 1>in my book of the book I just gave you, Yeah, Sex,

0:26:00.280 --> 0:26:04.960
<v Speaker 1>Health and Consciousness, I tell people to say stage their genitals, like.

0:26:05.080 --> 0:26:06.880
<v Speaker 2>Oh they're generals. Oh my god, I'll do.

0:26:06.800 --> 0:26:11.080
<v Speaker 1>That, stand up and yeah please please like oh yeah,

0:26:11.640 --> 0:26:14.080
<v Speaker 1>not too close, not too close, or you put it

0:26:14.119 --> 0:26:16.720
<v Speaker 1>in a metal bowl like smoke. Have the stage in

0:26:16.720 --> 0:26:20.400
<v Speaker 1>a metal bowl and kind of stand over it naked. Yeah,

0:26:20.440 --> 0:26:22.880
<v Speaker 1>you know, I think you should shage your stage, your armpits,

0:26:22.960 --> 0:26:27.280
<v Speaker 1>rand your everywhere. But yeah, you know, I'm with you.

0:26:28.119 --> 0:26:31.720
<v Speaker 2>I had I had somebody. I had somebody at my

0:26:31.760 --> 0:26:35.320
<v Speaker 2>apartment and we were fooling around and they left, and

0:26:35.400 --> 0:26:39.080
<v Speaker 2>I the energy shift was so apparent, like I couldn't sleep.

0:26:39.119 --> 0:26:40.399
<v Speaker 2>I had to get out of bed. I told my

0:26:40.400 --> 0:26:42.520
<v Speaker 2>best friend I'd get out of bed and sage everything

0:26:42.640 --> 0:26:45.320
<v Speaker 2>because I just could feel that the end, like I

0:26:45.359 --> 0:26:46.679
<v Speaker 2>was like, oh, I think I just I think that

0:26:46.720 --> 0:26:49.359
<v Speaker 2>they had a darker energy and I and I felt

0:26:49.400 --> 0:26:52.560
<v Speaker 2>like I took it on and I was unsettled. Had

0:26:52.600 --> 0:26:55.240
<v Speaker 2>to like sage the incense, talk to my grandmother.

0:26:56.119 --> 0:27:00.840
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. Yeah, and also like bath with salt. Bath is good.

0:27:01.040 --> 0:27:03.719
<v Speaker 1>We're like just washing your hands all the way up

0:27:03.720 --> 0:27:06.240
<v Speaker 1>to your elbows, even if you just even it's not sexual,

0:27:06.400 --> 0:27:08.760
<v Speaker 1>youre like meet someone. And I think we're in a

0:27:08.840 --> 0:27:11.800
<v Speaker 1>time right now, like in the world, in this country

0:27:11.840 --> 0:27:14.720
<v Speaker 1>in twenty twenty five, where there's a lot of shadow

0:27:15.160 --> 0:27:17.240
<v Speaker 1>and a lot of darkness, and so we need to

0:27:17.240 --> 0:27:20.840
<v Speaker 1>be even more intentional with our energy because we need

0:27:20.880 --> 0:27:23.879
<v Speaker 1>to stay looking towards the light in order to be

0:27:24.440 --> 0:27:27.600
<v Speaker 1>of service and of feeling and to be able to

0:27:27.640 --> 0:27:31.359
<v Speaker 1>resist with our art and our and our podcasts and

0:27:31.359 --> 0:27:32.680
<v Speaker 1>our words and everything that we do.

0:27:32.960 --> 0:27:35.480
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I want to, like, I want to ask a

0:27:35.480 --> 0:27:37.840
<v Speaker 2>couple of things, and we'll do mess email and all

0:27:37.840 --> 0:27:40.480
<v Speaker 2>that stuff. But I want we're on this trains. I

0:27:40.480 --> 0:27:42.560
<v Speaker 2>want to like keep going with it, which is one

0:27:43.000 --> 0:27:45.800
<v Speaker 2>What are the ways for people to raise their awareness

0:27:45.880 --> 0:27:48.399
<v Speaker 2>about themselves? You know, people who are listening, you know,

0:27:48.480 --> 0:27:50.600
<v Speaker 2>I said the show is for the most novice hoe

0:27:50.600 --> 0:27:53.439
<v Speaker 2>and the most experienced, so so people who are trying

0:27:53.480 --> 0:27:56.720
<v Speaker 2>to begin raising their awareness about their body and the

0:27:56.920 --> 0:27:59.560
<v Speaker 2>energetic power their body has. Like, what are the ways

0:27:59.560 --> 0:28:01.879
<v Speaker 2>to start you get in touch with that?

0:28:02.400 --> 0:28:05.240
<v Speaker 1>Okay, So the whole premise of my last book, Sex

0:28:05.280 --> 0:28:08.879
<v Speaker 1>Health and Consciousness, is very much about looking at your

0:28:08.920 --> 0:28:14.080
<v Speaker 1>sexuality as your spiritual energy, your sexual energy, and your

0:28:14.119 --> 0:28:17.200
<v Speaker 1>creative energy. Your mana, your prana, your chi. If you've

0:28:17.200 --> 0:28:22.440
<v Speaker 1>ever heard those terms, yeah, chi and prana you might

0:28:22.480 --> 0:28:25.760
<v Speaker 1>hear in yoga or mana is like the Hawaiian word

0:28:25.800 --> 0:28:29.040
<v Speaker 1>for it. It's like your energy, your power. Your sexual

0:28:29.119 --> 0:28:32.080
<v Speaker 1>energy is your power, and it's not just something that

0:28:32.119 --> 0:28:36.040
<v Speaker 1>you do with another person or when your doesn't necessarily

0:28:36.040 --> 0:28:39.760
<v Speaker 1>always have to do a sex. Sexual athletes, for example,

0:28:40.160 --> 0:28:42.760
<v Speaker 1>they won't often masturbate or have sex before a big

0:28:42.800 --> 0:28:46.200
<v Speaker 1>game because we know, right, you've heard that. Yeah, so

0:28:46.280 --> 0:28:49.160
<v Speaker 1>because the sexual energy is really powerful, right, and so

0:28:49.240 --> 0:28:53.280
<v Speaker 1>you can use it to manifest same thing. Apparently Shakespeare

0:28:53.360 --> 0:28:55.680
<v Speaker 1>used to refrain from sex when he was like writing

0:28:55.760 --> 0:28:58.680
<v Speaker 1>us on it. We know that motherfucker.

0:29:00.120 --> 0:29:07.719
<v Speaker 2>Sentence exactly sentence something.

0:29:08.320 --> 0:29:11.440
<v Speaker 1>And May West he was like a famous fem fatale

0:29:11.480 --> 0:29:14.600
<v Speaker 1>and also a screenwriter. She also the same, and she

0:29:14.840 --> 0:29:17.560
<v Speaker 1>was like known to be having multiple lovers in her eighties.

0:29:18.080 --> 0:29:22.400
<v Speaker 1>So it doesn't preclude you from being like sexually active

0:29:22.480 --> 0:29:25.880
<v Speaker 1>or sexually liberated. It just you know understand how to

0:29:25.880 --> 0:29:28.400
<v Speaker 1>harness it and how and how to be intentional with it,

0:29:28.560 --> 0:29:31.120
<v Speaker 1>and you under so so that then you have the choice,

0:29:31.120 --> 0:29:33.320
<v Speaker 1>because I think a lot of people, I particularly see

0:29:33.360 --> 0:29:37.479
<v Speaker 1>this with straight women. They they are like they feel

0:29:37.480 --> 0:29:40.680
<v Speaker 1>like they need to be they feel like being liberated

0:29:40.840 --> 0:29:44.840
<v Speaker 1>sexuality means like being super casual about it and not caring.

0:29:44.880 --> 0:29:49.960
<v Speaker 1>And then it's yes, it takes a toll. So yeah,

0:29:50.000 --> 0:29:53.680
<v Speaker 1>So I think understanding first, like it's like kind of

0:29:53.720 --> 0:29:57.280
<v Speaker 1>like your body is a temple idea. That doesn't mean abstinate,

0:29:57.560 --> 0:29:59.480
<v Speaker 1>It doesn't mean any of that. It just means and

0:29:59.480 --> 0:30:01.080
<v Speaker 1>I think we should teaching this to kids.

0:30:01.240 --> 0:30:01.920
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely.

0:30:02.000 --> 0:30:05.960
<v Speaker 1>It means like self esteem, self love, understand how to

0:30:05.960 --> 0:30:09.920
<v Speaker 1>pleasure yourself first. I cannot tell you how many relationships

0:30:10.000 --> 0:30:12.840
<v Speaker 1>I've been in, even including with that one, because I

0:30:12.840 --> 0:30:16.160
<v Speaker 1>didn't value myself enough, you know, even as an adult

0:30:16.200 --> 0:30:20.480
<v Speaker 1>asked divorced woman, like, I did not value myself enough,

0:30:20.560 --> 0:30:24.320
<v Speaker 1>and I allowed my feelings of like insecurity or loneliness

0:30:24.400 --> 0:30:28.160
<v Speaker 1>or lack mean that like somehow having sex with this

0:30:28.400 --> 0:30:33.160
<v Speaker 1>hot person make me whole, would make me feel better

0:30:33.280 --> 0:30:36.560
<v Speaker 1>about myself. And so I think that like the more

0:30:36.840 --> 0:30:40.000
<v Speaker 1>that you can kind of get intentional with that energy

0:30:40.120 --> 0:30:43.760
<v Speaker 1>and move from that place, you'll see your whole life

0:30:43.800 --> 0:30:44.360
<v Speaker 1>opening up.

0:30:44.480 --> 0:30:47.760
<v Speaker 2>I think that that is such a know some people

0:30:47.800 --> 0:30:50.400
<v Speaker 2>are listening are struggling with that, where you have sex

0:30:50.400 --> 0:30:52.240
<v Speaker 2>with somebody so that you could or you get in

0:30:52.240 --> 0:30:53.960
<v Speaker 2>relationship with somebody so that you can point to them

0:30:54.000 --> 0:30:56.560
<v Speaker 2>and say, there's my worth, there's my value, Like I'm

0:30:56.640 --> 0:30:59.480
<v Speaker 2>valuable because this person wants me, because this person wants

0:30:59.480 --> 0:31:01.600
<v Speaker 2>to marry me, this person wants to fuck me. And

0:31:01.680 --> 0:31:04.520
<v Speaker 2>it distracts us from doing the real work, which is

0:31:04.800 --> 0:31:08.880
<v Speaker 2>who am I? What? What? What brings me value for myself?

0:31:09.080 --> 0:31:11.240
<v Speaker 2>Where does my self worth really come from? Which is

0:31:11.280 --> 0:31:13.440
<v Speaker 2>supposed to be internal, your own operating system.

0:31:13.560 --> 0:31:16.120
<v Speaker 1>But I think it's very hard because we're the culture

0:31:16.160 --> 0:31:17.360
<v Speaker 1>doesn't give us that message.

0:31:17.720 --> 0:31:18.160
<v Speaker 2>It doesn't.

0:31:18.200 --> 0:31:19.880
<v Speaker 1>But that's the thing that I think that we're in

0:31:20.240 --> 0:31:24.920
<v Speaker 1>a major turning point in humanity right now, as as

0:31:24.960 --> 0:31:28.959
<v Speaker 1>we can see from everything that's going on, like politically

0:31:29.000 --> 0:31:31.360
<v Speaker 1>and culturally, that like, I think there has to be

0:31:31.360 --> 0:31:35.600
<v Speaker 1>a shift towards us getting closer to God in ourselves

0:31:35.640 --> 0:31:39.120
<v Speaker 1>whatever that means, whatever, It doesn't have to be organized religion.

0:31:39.200 --> 0:31:42.280
<v Speaker 1>We actually have a big I have a company called

0:31:42.280 --> 0:31:46.480
<v Speaker 1>The Sex Said, also the sex Said dot Com, and

0:31:46.560 --> 0:31:48.680
<v Speaker 1>we have a podcast. But on our site we have

0:31:48.760 --> 0:31:52.280
<v Speaker 1>lots of resources and we have stuff sex positive Muslims,

0:31:52.320 --> 0:31:55.600
<v Speaker 1>sex positive Christians. So I don't think the sexuality and

0:31:55.600 --> 0:32:00.000
<v Speaker 1>spiritually are exclusive to each other, right, But I think

0:32:00.000 --> 0:32:04.560
<v Speaker 1>I think that like getting closer to whatever gives you faith, hope, prayer,

0:32:05.200 --> 0:32:09.160
<v Speaker 1>and also I think that that just expands the orgasm

0:32:09.240 --> 0:32:12.560
<v Speaker 1>and expands the sense of sex when you can get

0:32:12.600 --> 0:32:15.760
<v Speaker 1>into that sacred sex. And again that doesn't mean that

0:32:15.840 --> 0:32:19.520
<v Speaker 1>you can't have kinky, anonomous sex. Absolutely, just really understand

0:32:19.920 --> 0:32:23.080
<v Speaker 1>you know what needs those are fulfilling, so that before

0:32:23.200 --> 0:32:27.680
<v Speaker 1>you fuck that person whatever, drink that drink, take that pill.

0:32:27.840 --> 0:32:29.640
<v Speaker 1>You understand. Am I doing this because I want to

0:32:29.640 --> 0:32:32.120
<v Speaker 1>feel pleasure? Or are you doing this because I really

0:32:32.160 --> 0:32:35.520
<v Speaker 1>feel shitty about myself and I want to escape this pain?

0:32:35.720 --> 0:32:39.120
<v Speaker 2>Yes? Because if you're numbing or engageing, Yeah, because.

0:32:38.840 --> 0:32:42.040
<v Speaker 1>Those have different impacts on you, because then it just

0:32:42.040 --> 0:32:44.400
<v Speaker 1>becomes mindless, like mindless consumption.

0:32:44.640 --> 0:32:46.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. I always talk about the beginning of my whole

0:32:46.480 --> 0:32:49.840
<v Speaker 2>journey in my twenties was such a mindless It was

0:32:49.920 --> 0:32:53.040
<v Speaker 2>always had to be drunk or high, and I was

0:32:53.080 --> 0:32:57.320
<v Speaker 2>just fucking to feel better about myself. And nine times

0:32:57.320 --> 0:32:59.840
<v Speaker 2>out of ten the sex was terrible. It didn't accomplish

0:32:59.880 --> 0:33:01.880
<v Speaker 2>what needed to accomplish, or if it did, it was

0:33:01.920 --> 0:33:06.040
<v Speaker 2>so fleeting. And now being able to know what brings

0:33:06.040 --> 0:33:10.560
<v Speaker 2>me pleasure and who brings me pleasure, I get to

0:33:10.600 --> 0:33:12.959
<v Speaker 2>be so intentional that when I do have sex, even

0:33:13.000 --> 0:33:15.520
<v Speaker 2>if it's not as much, it's so valuable to me.

0:33:15.640 --> 0:33:20.440
<v Speaker 2>It actually restore It's actually restorative as opposed to being

0:33:20.480 --> 0:33:21.920
<v Speaker 2>something that drains me, like.

0:33:21.840 --> 0:33:23.200
<v Speaker 1>A restorative yoga class.

0:33:24.240 --> 0:33:25.160
<v Speaker 2>It absolutely is.

0:33:32.000 --> 0:33:34.120
<v Speaker 1>So I want to say, because you said this podcast

0:33:34.200 --> 0:33:37.400
<v Speaker 1>is for everyone from the novice to the hoe, But

0:33:37.440 --> 0:33:40.280
<v Speaker 1>the thing is, in your sexual journey, in your life,

0:33:40.280 --> 0:33:43.000
<v Speaker 1>you can vacillate back and forth between both those things

0:33:43.040 --> 0:33:44.520
<v Speaker 1>all the time. So I want to say to the

0:33:44.560 --> 0:33:47.560
<v Speaker 1>novices out there that, like, we should always maintain a

0:33:47.560 --> 0:33:51.560
<v Speaker 1>beginner's mindset, and there is no such thing as like,

0:33:51.680 --> 0:33:53.840
<v Speaker 1>oh I'm too old to learn this, or I should

0:33:53.960 --> 0:33:56.200
<v Speaker 1>have should have what a cuta? Because I hear a

0:33:56.200 --> 0:33:59.640
<v Speaker 1>lot of that, like I should know better or people

0:33:59.680 --> 0:34:02.080
<v Speaker 1>beat themselves up over this, Like just you got to

0:34:02.120 --> 0:34:04.960
<v Speaker 1>accept where you're at at your journey because your sexuality

0:34:05.320 --> 0:34:07.680
<v Speaker 1>is it as individual to you as your thumbprint.

0:34:07.800 --> 0:34:11.319
<v Speaker 2>Here, love that, love that, Yes, we value A core

0:34:11.400 --> 0:34:15.200
<v Speaker 2>value here is curiosity, and so maintaining curiosity wanting to learn.

0:34:15.200 --> 0:34:17.000
<v Speaker 2>I always say I'm a I'm a teacher's pet. I'm

0:34:17.000 --> 0:34:18.920
<v Speaker 2>not a teacher here. I love to learn, And so

0:34:19.000 --> 0:34:20.920
<v Speaker 2>I think that's so important for us to remember, no

0:34:20.960 --> 0:34:23.800
<v Speaker 2>matter how how experience, when I experience, you are, to

0:34:23.880 --> 0:34:26.279
<v Speaker 2>really keep that beginner's mindset is such a brilliant thing.

0:34:26.600 --> 0:34:30.440
<v Speaker 2>My other question for you is about betrayal, because that

0:34:30.480 --> 0:34:34.040
<v Speaker 2>obviously comes up here. How do you feel? And you

0:34:34.440 --> 0:34:36.520
<v Speaker 2>might be musing you might be working through this, but like,

0:34:37.040 --> 0:34:41.240
<v Speaker 2>what are the steps to healing your own heart after betrayal,

0:34:41.320 --> 0:34:43.200
<v Speaker 2>especially if you know that you're not going to get

0:34:43.239 --> 0:34:46.240
<v Speaker 2>that closure? But you know, I think we all want

0:34:47.239 --> 0:34:48.879
<v Speaker 2>We talked about this with Coroma on the show, where

0:34:48.880 --> 0:34:52.400
<v Speaker 2>it's like we want the perfect closure, the like picturesque.

0:34:52.440 --> 0:34:54.799
<v Speaker 2>We have the conversation, we sit down, we understand why

0:34:54.800 --> 0:34:56.920
<v Speaker 2>the person did what they did and all that. But

0:34:56.920 --> 0:34:59.480
<v Speaker 2>that's usually nine times in ten, not happening. So what

0:34:59.640 --> 0:35:03.640
<v Speaker 2>is what has been your saving grace in moving forward

0:35:03.680 --> 0:35:04.240
<v Speaker 2>for yourself?

0:35:04.320 --> 0:35:06.799
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And a lot of times the person doesn't know

0:35:06.840 --> 0:35:11.319
<v Speaker 1>why because they're not on their own. We're all where

0:35:11.360 --> 0:35:14.000
<v Speaker 1>we're at on our journey and self discovery, right, So

0:35:14.040 --> 0:35:16.880
<v Speaker 1>I try not to be like, oh, he's like that

0:35:17.080 --> 0:35:20.560
<v Speaker 1>a lesser point than me journey. I'm just like he's

0:35:20.600 --> 0:35:23.200
<v Speaker 1>where he's at, and I'm I still feel hurt, like

0:35:23.239 --> 0:35:25.120
<v Speaker 1>I told him, I'm telling the story. It's about to

0:35:25.160 --> 0:35:28.239
<v Speaker 1>be a year anniversary and there's you know, I just

0:35:28.440 --> 0:35:31.279
<v Speaker 1>I just met someone very handsome, and I feel I

0:35:31.320 --> 0:35:34.560
<v Speaker 1>can feel myself like closing up and becoming guarded and

0:35:34.719 --> 0:35:37.960
<v Speaker 1>being like really afraid, and it's like, a I have

0:35:38.040 --> 0:35:40.799
<v Speaker 1>to be mindful and I have to tell myself it's

0:35:40.800 --> 0:35:45.640
<v Speaker 1>okay to move slow. It's ok to move slow, slow,

0:35:45.719 --> 0:35:48.439
<v Speaker 1>and to like get to know someone and not miss

0:35:48.480 --> 0:35:49.080
<v Speaker 1>the red flag.

0:35:49.200 --> 0:35:52.160
<v Speaker 2>That's a life lesson everything, and it's okay. Everyone wants

0:35:52.160 --> 0:35:55.160
<v Speaker 2>to be fast, it's okay to be slow, to move slow.

0:35:55.680 --> 0:36:01.640
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. I take I do jiu jitsu, yeah, and I okay, so.

0:36:01.680 --> 0:36:03.239
<v Speaker 2>I've done it. I have done it since college, but

0:36:03.239 --> 0:36:04.799
<v Speaker 2>it was my favorite.

0:36:04.400 --> 0:36:08.360
<v Speaker 1>So my who I trained jiu jitsu with two people.

0:36:08.400 --> 0:36:11.200
<v Speaker 1>They're both in the Gracy Brazilian Gracy family. That's like

0:36:11.280 --> 0:36:14.759
<v Speaker 1>jiu jitsu Brazilian dynasty got it right. And I learned

0:36:14.760 --> 0:36:17.160
<v Speaker 1>a lot from them about life too. But that was

0:36:17.160 --> 0:36:19.120
<v Speaker 1>a big lesson on the mat the other day for

0:36:19.280 --> 0:36:22.319
<v Speaker 1>me is that even in a situation like that, is

0:36:22.360 --> 0:36:25.799
<v Speaker 1>like slow down, slow down and breathe and like, don't

0:36:25.840 --> 0:36:29.120
<v Speaker 1>get ahead of myself. Yeah, so and and go through

0:36:29.120 --> 0:36:32.480
<v Speaker 1>the process. So with this this betrayal that I had

0:36:32.480 --> 0:36:36.040
<v Speaker 1>that was so shocking, well, first I fucking cried. Yeah,

0:36:36.080 --> 0:36:39.799
<v Speaker 1>I cried my ass off. I just wept, like on

0:36:39.840 --> 0:36:42.839
<v Speaker 1>the floor. Yeah, for a long time. Then I got

0:36:42.880 --> 0:36:45.879
<v Speaker 1>I was really angry. I was really angry. I had

0:36:46.040 --> 0:36:49.600
<v Speaker 1>so many revenge Oh yeah, I write about all of

0:36:49.600 --> 0:36:55.000
<v Speaker 1>it in this revenge called do you know my friend Gila,

0:36:55.400 --> 0:36:59.480
<v Speaker 1>she goes by Wheezy. Yeah. So we were on the

0:36:59.480 --> 0:37:02.040
<v Speaker 1>phone and I was like, okay, like I want to like,

0:37:02.160 --> 0:37:04.000
<v Speaker 1>let's call it. Yeah, like I had lost it. She

0:37:04.080 --> 0:37:06.600
<v Speaker 1>was like, I think we got to calm down.

0:37:06.640 --> 0:37:08.319
<v Speaker 2>A break, let's take it, let's go.

0:37:09.560 --> 0:37:11.480
<v Speaker 1>And my mom was like she was the one who

0:37:11.520 --> 0:37:13.319
<v Speaker 1>said to me, revenge is the dish best ser of

0:37:13.360 --> 0:37:16.239
<v Speaker 1>cold like hold a beat, So I wrote, I mean

0:37:16.320 --> 0:37:18.160
<v Speaker 1>I chant. First of all, I took that twenty seven

0:37:18.239 --> 0:37:21.560
<v Speaker 1>hundred dollars and I paid for a logo for starfucker

0:37:21.960 --> 0:37:28.840
<v Speaker 1>and yes, and I just poured everything into launching this

0:37:28.920 --> 0:37:33.720
<v Speaker 1>sub stack incredible and that I knew that like six

0:37:33.760 --> 0:37:36.719
<v Speaker 1>months down the road, I would write about it. And

0:37:37.080 --> 0:37:39.680
<v Speaker 1>so when I did, I actually gave him a free

0:37:39.719 --> 0:37:43.480
<v Speaker 1>subscription for like that month. Yeah, As it was a

0:37:43.520 --> 0:37:46.160
<v Speaker 1>three part series that was going back and forth. I

0:37:46.160 --> 0:37:47.640
<v Speaker 1>was talking about my dad. I was talking about a

0:37:47.640 --> 0:37:50.240
<v Speaker 1>story involving my grandfather and a movie star like I,

0:37:50.280 --> 0:37:52.160
<v Speaker 1>and then I wrapped it up with this story about him.

0:37:52.400 --> 0:37:54.680
<v Speaker 1>So I gave him a free month so he could

0:37:54.680 --> 0:37:56.440
<v Speaker 1>read it because I knew it was all the things

0:37:56.480 --> 0:37:58.480
<v Speaker 1>that we would the conversation we never have, and I saw,

0:37:58.560 --> 0:37:59.960
<v Speaker 1>you know how you can see on the sub suck

0:38:00.080 --> 0:38:04.640
<v Speaker 1>the back end. I know people don't realize that motherfucker

0:38:04.840 --> 0:38:07.320
<v Speaker 1>read it eight times in the first twenty four hours.

0:38:07.320 --> 0:38:10.879
<v Speaker 1>It came out. Wow, and then I just decided prescriptions, Yeah,

0:38:10.920 --> 0:38:14.360
<v Speaker 1>his subscription right, yeah yeah. So I think that's how

0:38:14.520 --> 0:38:17.080
<v Speaker 1>I worked through the betrayal, is like it was a

0:38:17.120 --> 0:38:18.240
<v Speaker 1>slow process.

0:38:17.880 --> 0:38:19.520
<v Speaker 2>As a slow. You let it be slow.

0:38:19.640 --> 0:38:21.600
<v Speaker 1>I let it be slow. And then even now, like

0:38:21.760 --> 0:38:25.640
<v Speaker 1>in dating, it's coming up. It just came up. You

0:38:25.640 --> 0:38:26.520
<v Speaker 1>know it's coming up for me.

0:38:26.600 --> 0:38:29.600
<v Speaker 2>Now do you say to the new person that you're

0:38:29.760 --> 0:38:32.800
<v Speaker 2>talking to about, like not necessarily all the details, but

0:38:32.840 --> 0:38:35.319
<v Speaker 2>are you like, listen, I'm going slow right now or.

0:38:35.840 --> 0:38:38.400
<v Speaker 1>I think I'm going to have to because they just

0:38:38.520 --> 0:38:40.239
<v Speaker 1>actually were like what's going on?

0:38:40.400 --> 0:38:41.200
<v Speaker 2>Yeah? There we go.

0:38:41.560 --> 0:38:44.320
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And it's honestly, it's like I feel a little embarrassed.

0:38:44.320 --> 0:38:46.000
<v Speaker 1>I mean I had to get over that because this

0:38:46.200 --> 0:38:48.160
<v Speaker 1>kind of betrayal is I'm not the only person this

0:38:48.480 --> 0:38:51.440
<v Speaker 1>kind of thing has happened to, but I felt like ashamed.

0:38:51.520 --> 0:38:53.880
<v Speaker 1>I felt like, oh I should know better. I'm supposed

0:38:53.880 --> 0:38:56.160
<v Speaker 1>to be this like sexpert or whatever.

0:38:56.040 --> 0:38:58.200
<v Speaker 2>Do that, and a lot of ourselves, of our humanity, it's

0:38:58.200 --> 0:39:01.279
<v Speaker 2>like we we only know what we know. You know,

0:39:01.400 --> 0:39:03.560
<v Speaker 2>you don't know to you get there and you get

0:39:03.560 --> 0:39:04.879
<v Speaker 2>through it, and then you get through it and then

0:39:04.880 --> 0:39:06.680
<v Speaker 2>you then you do know. But we have to go

0:39:06.760 --> 0:39:09.960
<v Speaker 2>through it to to understand what the fuck it is.

0:39:10.200 --> 0:39:12.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, but don't I don't know about you, but like

0:39:12.080 --> 0:39:16.279
<v Speaker 1>sometimes I beat myself up, Oh all the time. Yeah, like,

0:39:16.440 --> 0:39:19.440
<v Speaker 1>you know, you God, You're like, you're so stupid. You

0:39:19.520 --> 0:39:21.760
<v Speaker 1>have all these things in life figured out. Why couldn't

0:39:21.800 --> 0:39:24.840
<v Speaker 1>you figure this out? Or you know, you compare and despair.

0:39:24.640 --> 0:39:27.560
<v Speaker 2>Of course, and then you like, you know, I'm always

0:39:27.600 --> 0:39:30.279
<v Speaker 2>asking questions what advice would I give if I were

0:39:30.360 --> 0:39:32.040
<v Speaker 2>my own parent? What advice would I give to myself?

0:39:32.080 --> 0:39:36.239
<v Speaker 2>Which is what a phrase my mentor gifted me. And

0:39:36.280 --> 0:39:39.040
<v Speaker 2>so when I find myself beating myself up, then I

0:39:39.080 --> 0:39:41.279
<v Speaker 2>try to let the parent version of myself come in

0:39:41.680 --> 0:39:43.680
<v Speaker 2>and be soft and be like, Okay, you can put

0:39:43.680 --> 0:39:45.439
<v Speaker 2>the you can put the belt down, like we don't

0:39:45.440 --> 0:39:47.960
<v Speaker 2>have to beat ourselves up, we can chill, like what

0:39:48.360 --> 0:39:51.239
<v Speaker 2>is actually happening here? And can I let myself off

0:39:51.280 --> 0:39:54.000
<v Speaker 2>the hook? Constantly asking yourself that's for everything? Can you

0:39:54.040 --> 0:39:55.839
<v Speaker 2>let yourself off the hook? Because I think a lot

0:39:55.840 --> 0:39:58.120
<v Speaker 2>of us will beat ourselves up and that's not really

0:39:58.200 --> 0:40:01.080
<v Speaker 2>doing anything, of course, to let it happen, that's part

0:40:01.080 --> 0:40:02.520
<v Speaker 2>of being a human. But then can you get to

0:40:02.600 --> 0:40:04.719
<v Speaker 2>the place where you let yourself off the hook? Which

0:40:04.760 --> 0:40:08.120
<v Speaker 2>is constantly a reminder? Right, It's just like it's it's

0:40:08.280 --> 0:40:10.480
<v Speaker 2>not you're always I'm a perfectionist, and I wish I

0:40:10.520 --> 0:40:12.680
<v Speaker 2>could like stay perfect all the time and always let

0:40:12.719 --> 0:40:15.040
<v Speaker 2>myself off the hook, But I don't. I beat myself

0:40:15.120 --> 0:40:16.759
<v Speaker 2>up and then I let myself with the hook and

0:40:17.040 --> 0:40:17.520
<v Speaker 2>the cycle.

0:40:17.880 --> 0:40:20.960
<v Speaker 1>That's such good advice. And when you're talking about like

0:40:21.040 --> 0:40:23.600
<v Speaker 1>be the parents, so a lot of people don't have

0:40:23.640 --> 0:40:26.560
<v Speaker 1>that kind of situation growing up with their parents. I

0:40:26.640 --> 0:40:30.400
<v Speaker 1>didn't have parents that were like super nurturing that way

0:40:30.719 --> 0:40:34.439
<v Speaker 1>at all. And on my book cover it actually says

0:40:34.480 --> 0:40:38.400
<v Speaker 1>reparent reprogram, you know, because I think we need to

0:40:38.520 --> 0:40:41.239
<v Speaker 1>do that for ourselves. Absolutely need to treat ourselves the

0:40:41.239 --> 0:40:43.720
<v Speaker 1>way we would treat a baby, you know, in those moments,

0:40:43.719 --> 0:40:45.880
<v Speaker 1>and be tender with ourselves, like the way we would

0:40:46.000 --> 0:40:49.000
<v Speaker 1>to our best friends. Absolutely, we'd never talk to our

0:40:49.040 --> 0:40:50.120
<v Speaker 1>best friend the way.

0:40:49.960 --> 0:40:54.160
<v Speaker 2>We talk to ourselves. Absolutely, And that's such an important reminder,

0:40:54.280 --> 0:40:56.279
<v Speaker 2>Like we spend a lot of times in our mind

0:40:56.320 --> 0:40:58.439
<v Speaker 2>and it's like making a kind place to be, making

0:40:58.480 --> 0:41:00.960
<v Speaker 2>a soft, compassionate place to be. And you're not going

0:41:01.040 --> 0:41:02.480
<v Speaker 2>to get it perfect all the time. There are times

0:41:02.480 --> 0:41:04.160
<v Speaker 2>where you will be rachefel in there. But then can

0:41:04.200 --> 0:41:06.480
<v Speaker 2>you catch it and go uh huh, not like that?

0:41:06.760 --> 0:41:15.680
<v Speaker 2>Go slow, You're fine, let yourself off the hook. Yeah,

0:41:15.719 --> 0:41:17.239
<v Speaker 2>oh my goodness, you want to do some messy mail.

0:41:17.360 --> 0:41:19.879
<v Speaker 1>Let's do some messy mail. Yay, getting deep here.

0:41:21.640 --> 0:41:23.239
<v Speaker 2>Usually we get deep in the end, but I was like,

0:41:23.320 --> 0:41:26.240
<v Speaker 2>we're talking, this is great, let's let's let's go for it. Okay,

0:41:27.560 --> 0:41:30.440
<v Speaker 2>that means it's time for messy mail. We'll read out

0:41:30.440 --> 0:41:34.200
<v Speaker 2>messy patron stories and submissions. As always, your submissions remain anonymous.

0:41:34.520 --> 0:41:38.000
<v Speaker 2>This on this first one says sometimes stepping my partner

0:41:38.040 --> 0:41:41.600
<v Speaker 2>with a dildo is hotter than using my cock. You

0:41:41.760 --> 0:41:42.680
<v Speaker 2>enjoy toys?

0:41:43.120 --> 0:41:47.000
<v Speaker 1>Do I enjoy toys? Sometimes? You know? After the same

0:41:47.080 --> 0:41:49.640
<v Speaker 1>acts had, like Houston hid so much hang ups, Yeah,

0:41:49.840 --> 0:41:53.239
<v Speaker 1>so many hang ups about toys. Actually, he shamed me

0:41:53.600 --> 0:41:56.839
<v Speaker 1>about like masturbating with toys in front of him, which

0:41:56.880 --> 0:41:58.320
<v Speaker 1>I thought was so weird because I think one of

0:41:58.360 --> 0:42:01.360
<v Speaker 1>the best ways to get to know yeah one's actually

0:42:01.719 --> 0:42:03.960
<v Speaker 1>is to ask them to have them show you how

0:42:04.000 --> 0:42:07.480
<v Speaker 1>they like to masturbate absolutely, because how you get yourself

0:42:07.520 --> 0:42:09.040
<v Speaker 1>off is going to just teach.

0:42:08.800 --> 0:42:12.160
<v Speaker 2>Them absolutely, and you're going to be different than somebody else, right,

0:42:12.239 --> 0:42:13.640
<v Speaker 2>because sometimes we try to do what we do with

0:42:13.680 --> 0:42:14.520
<v Speaker 2>an old partner, it's like.

0:42:14.520 --> 0:42:16.759
<v Speaker 1>Well that's a different person, Yes, personally.

0:42:16.280 --> 0:42:18.600
<v Speaker 2>Who's in front of me wants something else. Yeah, yeah,

0:42:18.640 --> 0:42:22.960
<v Speaker 2>I well one the first time. I don't really use

0:42:22.960 --> 0:42:24.400
<v Speaker 2>a lot of toys, and we talked about that on here.

0:42:24.440 --> 0:42:27.360
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to try and figure out my relationship to toys.

0:42:27.480 --> 0:42:30.839
<v Speaker 2>But some of the hottest sex that I've ever had

0:42:31.160 --> 0:42:34.040
<v Speaker 2>has been when a partner introduced toys. So I remember

0:42:34.040 --> 0:42:37.399
<v Speaker 2>the first time a partner introduced a dildo and used

0:42:37.440 --> 0:42:39.279
<v Speaker 2>it on me and then fuck me after, and it

0:42:39.360 --> 0:42:44.239
<v Speaker 2>was so lovely and wonderful, to the point where we

0:42:44.600 --> 0:42:46.719
<v Speaker 2>had sex like in the morning, and I had all

0:42:46.719 --> 0:42:49.080
<v Speaker 2>this stuff to do that day, and I canceled everything

0:42:49.200 --> 0:42:53.560
<v Speaker 2>because I was like, I need to recover. Like I

0:42:53.960 --> 0:42:56.400
<v Speaker 2>was like, I went home, I ordered cookies and I

0:42:56.480 --> 0:42:58.560
<v Speaker 2>ordered like the tasty things, and I was like, let

0:42:58.600 --> 0:43:00.960
<v Speaker 2>me just sit because it's my after character, and let

0:43:00.960 --> 0:43:03.399
<v Speaker 2>me sit here and let my legs stop tremmoring because

0:43:03.440 --> 0:43:06.600
<v Speaker 2>it was just so hot. And then I recently also

0:43:07.160 --> 0:43:09.400
<v Speaker 2>use it again, used a butt plug with a with

0:43:09.440 --> 0:43:11.640
<v Speaker 2>a partner who needed help opening their hole in general,

0:43:12.480 --> 0:43:14.520
<v Speaker 2>and so we're like, well, let's get you butt plugs

0:43:14.520 --> 0:43:16.239
<v Speaker 2>and then let's you know, put it in and use

0:43:16.280 --> 0:43:19.200
<v Speaker 2>it and make out and it was, it's so intimate

0:43:19.400 --> 0:43:23.000
<v Speaker 2>in a different way. How can I explain it? Like,

0:43:23.760 --> 0:43:26.440
<v Speaker 2>obviously it's intimate without the toys, but adding the toys

0:43:26.440 --> 0:43:30.680
<v Speaker 2>in requires that much more communication and collaboration. So I

0:43:30.680 --> 0:43:32.720
<v Speaker 2>think it probably makes that that much more intimate.

0:43:33.040 --> 0:43:35.239
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and I think it can be great, especially like

0:43:35.360 --> 0:43:38.400
<v Speaker 1>if people, for example, we get that a lot at

0:43:38.400 --> 0:43:41.160
<v Speaker 1>the sex set, a lot of women, straight women and saying,

0:43:41.360 --> 0:43:43.799
<v Speaker 1>you know, they're curious about anal sucks or their partner

0:43:43.840 --> 0:43:46.160
<v Speaker 1>wants to train anal secks, they're not sure. We always

0:43:46.200 --> 0:43:49.439
<v Speaker 1>suggest that they go slow, use a lot of loop

0:43:49.520 --> 0:43:52.920
<v Speaker 1>and start with toys. Toys, yeah, and start with like,

0:43:53.520 --> 0:43:57.000
<v Speaker 1>you know, a smaller size bug, yeah, and move up.

0:43:57.040 --> 0:43:59.080
<v Speaker 1>So I think they can, Like toys can be a

0:43:59.080 --> 0:44:01.400
<v Speaker 1>great barrier breaker, Yeah.

0:44:01.320 --> 0:44:04.080
<v Speaker 2>A great berrier breaker, a great way to communicate and

0:44:04.080 --> 0:44:07.680
<v Speaker 2>and build those communication muscles. So yeah, I love I

0:44:07.719 --> 0:44:09.879
<v Speaker 2>love a toy and and that. So it makes sense

0:44:09.880 --> 0:44:13.480
<v Speaker 2>to patron why that was hot hotter for you? This

0:44:13.520 --> 0:44:16.759
<v Speaker 2>one says I got tiny boobs, I saw porn for

0:44:16.760 --> 0:44:19.560
<v Speaker 2>the first time, and the big book big boob woman

0:44:19.640 --> 0:44:23.560
<v Speaker 2>grabbed and bit her own nips. Jealous. To be honest,

0:44:23.880 --> 0:44:26.920
<v Speaker 2>have you ever like bitten any part of yourself or

0:44:27.040 --> 0:44:28.080
<v Speaker 2>or played like I.

0:44:28.040 --> 0:44:32.960
<v Speaker 1>Was just saying about that. I think I could. Yeah,

0:44:34.320 --> 0:44:36.960
<v Speaker 1>when you're like little, and I don't always be like

0:44:36.960 --> 0:44:39.480
<v Speaker 1>like who and which of the boys, Because.

0:44:40.280 --> 0:44:41.640
<v Speaker 2>I've tried, so.

0:44:43.920 --> 0:44:45.880
<v Speaker 1>I feel like I would totally try to buy it

0:44:45.920 --> 0:44:46.400
<v Speaker 1>a penis.

0:44:46.480 --> 0:44:49.960
<v Speaker 2>I would be like the first thing to try. You

0:44:49.960 --> 0:44:51.239
<v Speaker 2>see the point you're like, I had to try at

0:44:51.320 --> 0:44:56.600
<v Speaker 2>least once. I tried several times. Break your back like

0:44:57.840 --> 0:45:00.400
<v Speaker 2>it was crazy. A boom feels it might be a

0:45:00.400 --> 0:45:02.719
<v Speaker 2>little easier to get up there. The dick is just

0:45:02.760 --> 0:45:05.080
<v Speaker 2>so far away. I'm always so impressed.

0:45:05.160 --> 0:45:07.839
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, but you know what for smaller sized titties, I've

0:45:07.920 --> 0:45:11.480
<v Speaker 1>always heard that like a lot of people love like

0:45:11.600 --> 0:45:14.120
<v Speaker 1>the size of a titty that are size of a breast.

0:45:14.160 --> 0:45:19.120
<v Speaker 1>Can that can fit in a champagne coop was like

0:45:19.280 --> 0:45:23.600
<v Speaker 1>very s small, you know those like vintage, not the

0:45:23.800 --> 0:45:29.640
<v Speaker 1>like flutes. Yeah, yeah, so I think about that when

0:45:29.680 --> 0:45:33.400
<v Speaker 1>I I like, actually, I think all breasts are beautiful

0:45:33.120 --> 0:45:34.960
<v Speaker 1>as Yeah, but I love the idea.

0:45:38.280 --> 0:45:42.520
<v Speaker 2>I love that as a visual A really hot photo shoot.

0:45:43.800 --> 0:45:47.880
<v Speaker 2>This one asks would you rather never receive again or

0:45:47.960 --> 0:45:51.000
<v Speaker 2>never give again? Sexually? So would you rather never receive

0:45:52.520 --> 0:45:53.840
<v Speaker 2>ahead or give head.

0:45:53.960 --> 0:45:54.640
<v Speaker 1>That's hard.

0:45:55.160 --> 0:45:55.840
<v Speaker 2>That is hard.

0:45:56.120 --> 0:45:57.160
<v Speaker 1>I don't want to give it up.

0:46:01.520 --> 0:46:05.839
<v Speaker 2>See, I love receiving head. I love having my ass eating,

0:46:06.080 --> 0:46:09.880
<v Speaker 2>but I love giving head and I love eating ass.

0:46:10.400 --> 0:46:14.000
<v Speaker 2>So I think my answer is I would rather never

0:46:14.120 --> 0:46:17.640
<v Speaker 2>receive again. I know, gasp, I'm saying it, and I

0:46:21.000 --> 0:46:25.160
<v Speaker 2>just love sucking dick and eating ass so much. Like

0:46:25.200 --> 0:46:28.640
<v Speaker 2>I I listen, I love getting it, but I really

0:46:28.680 --> 0:46:31.440
<v Speaker 2>love giving it. It's like it does a lot for me.

0:46:31.520 --> 0:46:33.160
<v Speaker 2>So I'm going to say that you're.

0:46:37.400 --> 0:46:37.760
<v Speaker 1>Period.

0:46:37.920 --> 0:46:41.440
<v Speaker 2>I love it. I love it. That makes sense. I

0:46:41.480 --> 0:46:44.160
<v Speaker 2>am a stripper. This one says, I'm a stripper. Customer

0:46:44.200 --> 0:46:46.920
<v Speaker 2>paid to smell my butthole last night, tried to sniff

0:46:47.200 --> 0:46:50.040
<v Speaker 2>my soul out of my ass. Have you ever had

0:46:50.040 --> 0:46:54.280
<v Speaker 2>anyone sniff your ass? They didn't say it, but I hope.

0:46:55.160 --> 0:46:57.720
<v Speaker 1>I hope it was like a good you know figure

0:46:57.960 --> 0:47:03.040
<v Speaker 1>something I mean, or high three.

0:47:02.600 --> 0:47:04.160
<v Speaker 2>I mean something, And.

0:47:04.080 --> 0:47:06.759
<v Speaker 1>It was like a fast sniff, a fast.

0:47:06.560 --> 0:47:07.840
<v Speaker 2>But I mean, they say, to try to sniff my

0:47:07.880 --> 0:47:09.319
<v Speaker 2>soul out of my ass, which feels like.

0:47:09.280 --> 0:47:17.959
<v Speaker 1>A like some Voldemort ship. That's like some serious Voldemort ship.

0:47:18.040 --> 0:47:20.200
<v Speaker 2>I want to try, like now, I want to try

0:47:20.239 --> 0:47:21.719
<v Speaker 2>that I'm going to ask my boyfriend to let me

0:47:21.760 --> 0:47:24.640
<v Speaker 2>sniff his ass like that, because I wonder, like what,

0:47:24.680 --> 0:47:26.680
<v Speaker 2>I wonder what you get. I wonder what it does

0:47:26.840 --> 0:47:29.120
<v Speaker 2>like with a tingle, Like what what what is he

0:47:29.239 --> 0:47:32.319
<v Speaker 2>experiencing from that sniff? Probably a lot?

0:47:32.600 --> 0:47:36.279
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, probably. I mean everyone's got there. Yeah, everyone's got

0:47:36.320 --> 0:47:36.680
<v Speaker 1>the thing.

0:47:37.040 --> 0:47:40.440
<v Speaker 2>I'm so into unlocking new kings because there are things

0:47:40.480 --> 0:47:42.120
<v Speaker 2>you go, I'll never do that, I'll never and then

0:47:42.160 --> 0:47:43.640
<v Speaker 2>you try it and you're like, oh, I kind of

0:47:43.680 --> 0:47:45.799
<v Speaker 2>like this. Like I said on the show, I have

0:47:45.840 --> 0:47:48.360
<v Speaker 2>a foot fetish now, which I never thought that I

0:47:48.360 --> 0:47:49.279
<v Speaker 2>would be into.

0:47:51.200 --> 0:47:54.080
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, if you're if you don't want to like go you.

0:47:54.040 --> 0:47:57.760
<v Speaker 2>Know, full four, I can just like shake feet picks.

0:47:57.760 --> 0:48:00.680
<v Speaker 2>And then there's a there's a friend of mine who

0:48:00.760 --> 0:48:03.360
<v Speaker 2>has an account that is just all feet picks, and

0:48:03.400 --> 0:48:06.320
<v Speaker 2>I like, if you were my friend girl, well, also

0:48:06.480 --> 0:48:10.719
<v Speaker 2>we're friends, we could still for sometfits. I love sucking feet.

0:48:10.760 --> 0:48:12.400
<v Speaker 2>I like the more my face, I like the more

0:48:12.480 --> 0:48:15.920
<v Speaker 2>my chest. So anyways, all that to say, maybe the

0:48:16.120 --> 0:48:18.640
<v Speaker 2>holeby a thing that I would enjoy. Is there anything

0:48:18.640 --> 0:48:21.880
<v Speaker 2>that you any kinks or things that you've discovered that

0:48:21.920 --> 0:48:23.759
<v Speaker 2>you're like, oh, I never thought I would like that,

0:48:23.840 --> 0:48:25.040
<v Speaker 2>but I do well.

0:48:25.120 --> 0:48:27.000
<v Speaker 1>I always like to think that one I think I'm

0:48:27.040 --> 0:48:30.160
<v Speaker 1>going to be really wild in my sixties, yes, And

0:48:30.239 --> 0:48:32.560
<v Speaker 1>I also like to think with sex in general that

0:48:33.360 --> 0:48:35.440
<v Speaker 1>I want I want to be open, even if I

0:48:35.880 --> 0:48:39.719
<v Speaker 1>maybe like come across as more like vanilla now or

0:48:39.760 --> 0:48:42.359
<v Speaker 1>in this phase of my life that I don't want

0:48:42.360 --> 0:48:46.440
<v Speaker 1>to rule out something that like might not be my

0:48:46.560 --> 0:48:50.399
<v Speaker 1>kink right now. Very like open too, But I think

0:48:50.440 --> 0:48:53.120
<v Speaker 1>for me, I need to be in a committed monogaal

0:48:53.239 --> 0:48:56.479
<v Speaker 1>partnership to like feel safe and trusting. So I would

0:48:56.480 --> 0:48:57.360
<v Speaker 1>say never say.

0:48:57.200 --> 0:48:58.319
<v Speaker 2>Never, never say never.

0:48:58.400 --> 0:48:59.839
<v Speaker 1>I love you know what I want to do? What

0:49:00.000 --> 0:49:02.279
<v Speaker 1>I want to do pie in the face. I want

0:49:02.320 --> 0:49:04.839
<v Speaker 1>to like pie someone in the face and have them

0:49:04.840 --> 0:49:05.560
<v Speaker 1>pie me in the.

0:49:05.520 --> 0:49:06.960
<v Speaker 2>Face and then like eat it and look it off

0:49:06.960 --> 0:49:07.439
<v Speaker 2>of each other.

0:49:07.840 --> 0:49:10.319
<v Speaker 1>I mean, I might just be satisfied. I want to

0:49:10.360 --> 0:49:14.239
<v Speaker 1>do a dance a dance off pie fight a dance Okay,

0:49:14.239 --> 0:49:16.520
<v Speaker 1>but I'm going to give credit to my friend Dita Vontiz,

0:49:16.800 --> 0:49:19.279
<v Speaker 1>who like came up with this idea like years ago,

0:49:21.719 --> 0:49:24.320
<v Speaker 1>years ago, she used to do these like a pie

0:49:24.320 --> 0:49:27.080
<v Speaker 1>fight dance off parties where you would have you would

0:49:27.160 --> 0:49:30.000
<v Speaker 1>have a partner and like you would pick a song

0:49:30.200 --> 0:49:32.279
<v Speaker 1>right and you like kind of er like you know,

0:49:32.400 --> 0:49:35.080
<v Speaker 1>you routine at the end of it, you key line

0:49:35.120 --> 0:49:37.200
<v Speaker 1>pie each other in the face. And I just like,

0:49:37.680 --> 0:49:40.480
<v Speaker 1>I don't know, there's just something like very satisfying about

0:49:40.520 --> 0:49:46.360
<v Speaker 1>Like I like throwing rotting fruit when I'm frustrated. I

0:49:46.640 --> 0:49:48.560
<v Speaker 1>just love it, Like rotting fruit.

0:49:48.600 --> 0:49:49.759
<v Speaker 2>Do you keep rotting fruit?

0:49:49.840 --> 0:49:53.080
<v Speaker 1>Just its like it's going or like you know, like

0:49:53.120 --> 0:49:57.080
<v Speaker 1>I've I've done it with papayas, I've done pomegranates, like

0:49:57.120 --> 0:50:01.040
<v Speaker 1>a concrete wall. Just very satisfying because it everywhere.

0:50:01.080 --> 0:50:03.120
<v Speaker 2>Reminds you of the TikTok videos of people rolling down

0:50:03.560 --> 0:50:05.960
<v Speaker 2>bottles down the stairs and they break, Yeah, to see

0:50:05.960 --> 0:50:09.080
<v Speaker 2>which one's gonna break. There's something satisfying about the destruction.

0:50:10.160 --> 0:50:13.120
<v Speaker 1>I have not done any of this for content. Just

0:50:13.280 --> 0:50:15.479
<v Speaker 1>do it for like to like kind of like get

0:50:15.480 --> 0:50:18.160
<v Speaker 1>my frustration out. Yeah, I guess, I don't know. It

0:50:18.280 --> 0:50:20.919
<v Speaker 1>just makes me feel really good. So I might have

0:50:21.040 --> 0:50:22.120
<v Speaker 1>like a food.

0:50:22.080 --> 0:50:24.120
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, there might be like a food little kink or something.

0:50:24.400 --> 0:50:27.680
<v Speaker 2>I love that. Yeah, you should explore that.

0:50:27.800 --> 0:50:31.360
<v Speaker 1>I just heard a really good trick. There's this famous

0:50:31.520 --> 0:50:36.160
<v Speaker 1>woman named Pamela Harriman. Churchill, who like had all all

0:50:36.239 --> 0:50:39.000
<v Speaker 1>of these lovers in the twentieth century. She's dead now,

0:50:39.000 --> 0:50:42.000
<v Speaker 1>but just reading her biography, and she kept a bowl

0:50:42.000 --> 0:50:44.920
<v Speaker 1>of ice cubes next to her bed for oral sex,

0:50:45.360 --> 0:50:49.759
<v Speaker 1>which she learned from a legendary another legendary playboy lover

0:50:49.920 --> 0:50:53.040
<v Speaker 1>called Olicon. Okay, so you take you put the ice

0:50:53.080 --> 0:50:56.359
<v Speaker 1>cubes in your mouth, and you know it's either like

0:50:56.400 --> 0:50:59.000
<v Speaker 1>you keep the ice cube in your mouth when giving

0:50:59.040 --> 0:51:02.360
<v Speaker 1>a blowjob, or you make your mouth really cold.

0:51:02.600 --> 0:51:03.960
<v Speaker 2>Temperature play, yeah.

0:51:03.760 --> 0:51:04.600
<v Speaker 1>Temperature play.

0:51:04.800 --> 0:51:05.080
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

0:51:05.280 --> 0:51:07.120
<v Speaker 1>I thought that was kind of she because she was like,

0:51:07.239 --> 0:51:09.320
<v Speaker 1>you know, this fabulous woman with all these she just

0:51:09.400 --> 0:51:14.520
<v Speaker 1>keeps it buy houses, jewelry and painting. So I'm imagining

0:51:14.560 --> 0:51:18.120
<v Speaker 1>the bedside table in this like well appointed bedroom of course,

0:51:18.280 --> 0:51:21.480
<v Speaker 1>you know, with like I don't know, chintz or something

0:51:22.560 --> 0:51:24.160
<v Speaker 1>like silver ice.

0:51:24.000 --> 0:51:26.160
<v Speaker 2>Pocket, and you know it's it's not just an ordinary

0:51:26.160 --> 0:51:28.240
<v Speaker 2>ice but.

0:51:27.560 --> 0:51:34.560
<v Speaker 1>It's like one long man. He puts it in, wishes

0:51:34.600 --> 0:51:35.160
<v Speaker 1>it around.

0:51:38.160 --> 0:51:40.920
<v Speaker 2>I have new goals. I love this. I have new goals.

0:51:41.200 --> 0:51:44.919
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, buy a nice budget. Okay. This one

0:51:44.960 --> 0:51:48.640
<v Speaker 2>says I got five loads in three days with three

0:51:48.680 --> 0:51:51.960
<v Speaker 2>guys and recounted it to my boyfriend for his request

0:51:52.200 --> 0:51:57.319
<v Speaker 2>turns him on. I you you're monogamous, Yeah, is there?

0:51:57.320 --> 0:52:01.160
<v Speaker 2>But is there anything that would turn you on about

0:52:01.200 --> 0:52:03.279
<v Speaker 2>hearing something about your partner's past at all?

0:52:03.400 --> 0:52:08.040
<v Speaker 1>Totally? Yeah, totally and I totally have. I'm like really

0:52:08.040 --> 0:52:11.600
<v Speaker 1>into homer erotica, like especially like vintage. Yeah, but I

0:52:11.680 --> 0:52:14.400
<v Speaker 1>love like there's I mean, I love like sixties and

0:52:14.440 --> 0:52:19.080
<v Speaker 1>seventies gay porn so hot, like way more male than

0:52:19.239 --> 0:52:21.799
<v Speaker 1>female for some reason. But I just think it's like, yeah,

0:52:22.520 --> 0:52:26.120
<v Speaker 1>very erotic. And I remember when I was going through

0:52:26.160 --> 0:52:28.640
<v Speaker 1>my divorce, like one of the first guys I was with,

0:52:28.760 --> 0:52:31.399
<v Speaker 1>he was you know, I would like make him tell

0:52:31.440 --> 0:52:35.160
<v Speaker 1>me like all his stories. Yeah, being with men. I

0:52:35.200 --> 0:52:36.200
<v Speaker 1>just found that so hot.

0:52:37.200 --> 0:52:39.759
<v Speaker 2>I love that. I find it hot knowing about My

0:52:39.880 --> 0:52:43.120
<v Speaker 2>husband does not like he doesn't like seeing it. I

0:52:43.200 --> 0:52:46.040
<v Speaker 2>think he's fine with hearing it, but I loved I

0:52:46.080 --> 0:52:48.520
<v Speaker 2>just loved when people talk to me about what they're

0:52:48.560 --> 0:52:50.560
<v Speaker 2>into and what they've been, what they've done. Like I

0:52:51.080 --> 0:52:53.920
<v Speaker 2>don't get jealous around that stuff. I do find it

0:52:54.000 --> 0:52:58.239
<v Speaker 2>sexy and inside of polyamory. With my husband, we don't

0:52:58.239 --> 0:53:00.600
<v Speaker 2>talk about other stuff, but with my friend and sometimes

0:53:00.640 --> 0:53:03.640
<v Speaker 2>we'll talk about other things and it's a kink. It's

0:53:03.680 --> 0:53:06.880
<v Speaker 2>a vibe for sure. Yeah, it's yeah, I don't know

0:53:06.920 --> 0:53:09.279
<v Speaker 2>what what is hot about that? I guess it's like.

0:53:09.280 --> 0:53:10.719
<v Speaker 1>A it's kind of like erotica.

0:53:10.840 --> 0:53:12.480
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I was gonna say it's like reading or listening

0:53:12.480 --> 0:53:15.759
<v Speaker 2>to erotica. But then it's like your partner which you

0:53:15.840 --> 0:53:17.640
<v Speaker 2>care about, and there's I don't know, there's something.

0:53:17.760 --> 0:53:22.040
<v Speaker 1>Well, it's like a different way of consuming pornography. Yes,

0:53:22.239 --> 0:53:25.000
<v Speaker 1>like you know, maybe more. It's like more intimate and

0:53:25.120 --> 0:53:27.960
<v Speaker 1>also acts on your brain in a different way. Yeah,

0:53:28.000 --> 0:53:30.759
<v Speaker 1>than like the visual like just scrolling porn does.

0:53:30.960 --> 0:53:34.919
<v Speaker 2>Sure, that makes sense. I love that. Now I'm thinking

0:53:34.920 --> 0:53:41.680
<v Speaker 2>about when I can tell my boyfriend this one says

0:53:42.080 --> 0:53:44.800
<v Speaker 2>was supposed to sleep with my sixty two year old friend,

0:53:45.760 --> 0:53:47.800
<v Speaker 2>but I'm back with my fifty two year old friend.

0:53:47.840 --> 0:53:52.240
<v Speaker 2>I'm twenty eight. I'm curious what is the biggest age

0:53:52.280 --> 0:53:54.600
<v Speaker 2>gap or like what like what's your Is there like

0:53:54.640 --> 0:53:57.399
<v Speaker 2>a limit for an age gap between partners? You think?

0:53:57.560 --> 0:54:00.360
<v Speaker 1>We asked this on the We have a also and

0:54:00.440 --> 0:54:02.440
<v Speaker 1>we have a Monday question of the Week on the

0:54:02.480 --> 0:54:04.680
<v Speaker 1>sex ad Instagram, which is at the sex Said, and

0:54:04.719 --> 0:54:06.960
<v Speaker 1>one of our most popular ones was what's the biggest

0:54:06.960 --> 0:54:09.719
<v Speaker 1>age gap, and that was I always love reading all

0:54:09.760 --> 0:54:13.680
<v Speaker 1>the comments on it. Let's see what was my personal

0:54:13.719 --> 0:54:17.200
<v Speaker 1>big age gap. I think we're obviously in a pretty misogynic,

0:54:17.280 --> 0:54:19.680
<v Speaker 1>misogynistic culture, so there's a lot of I mean, even

0:54:19.719 --> 0:54:22.600
<v Speaker 1>though you have movies like Baby Girl and everything, now,

0:54:22.880 --> 0:54:26.480
<v Speaker 1>like people really have trouble with an older woman any

0:54:26.560 --> 0:54:30.840
<v Speaker 1>younger man in the way that they don't with the reverse.

0:54:31.040 --> 0:54:34.359
<v Speaker 1>Does I have even friends in public relationships, I mean

0:54:34.880 --> 0:54:37.320
<v Speaker 1>that wasn't their intention or whatever, and the women just

0:54:37.360 --> 0:54:41.799
<v Speaker 1>get trash, totally trashed, even if I know that they're

0:54:41.800 --> 0:54:45.640
<v Speaker 1>actually like a successful, loving, long term couple. So I've

0:54:45.680 --> 0:54:48.680
<v Speaker 1>definitely went through I definitely had some younger men. I definitely,

0:54:48.960 --> 0:54:52.560
<v Speaker 1>I definitely, I've definitely done the younger man. I'm not

0:54:52.600 --> 0:54:55.400
<v Speaker 1>trying to do that. I was kind of like, you know,

0:54:55.480 --> 0:54:58.360
<v Speaker 1>I need someone who has like seeing reference points or

0:54:58.440 --> 0:55:02.960
<v Speaker 1>like music. You know, that's fair references, et cetera. But

0:55:03.840 --> 0:55:06.359
<v Speaker 1>I think it's hot. I have a problem with.

0:55:06.320 --> 0:55:08.480
<v Speaker 2>It, yeah, because I'm always like, what's the quality of

0:55:08.480 --> 0:55:10.480
<v Speaker 2>the relationship, you know, like and what are we you know,

0:55:11.239 --> 0:55:14.560
<v Speaker 2>I don't really have a Probably when my biggest age gap,

0:55:14.600 --> 0:55:16.439
<v Speaker 2>which is the same my boyfriend is ten years younger

0:55:16.480 --> 0:55:20.400
<v Speaker 2>than me, and then I've also dated ten years older

0:55:20.440 --> 0:55:22.680
<v Speaker 2>than me. So that's probably the biggest age gap that

0:55:22.719 --> 0:55:23.160
<v Speaker 2>I've done.

0:55:23.200 --> 0:55:25.239
<v Speaker 1>But I've done more than that younger.

0:55:25.520 --> 0:55:32.319
<v Speaker 2>Okay, I'm down. Like you know, I also think there's

0:55:32.320 --> 0:55:36.880
<v Speaker 2>a difference between like, you know, fucking versus dating versus you know, like,

0:55:37.440 --> 0:55:42.160
<v Speaker 2>which again still boils down to what is that person's history,

0:55:42.200 --> 0:55:44.080
<v Speaker 2>what are they coming to the table with, because you know,

0:55:44.120 --> 0:55:45.600
<v Speaker 2>some of us have been through different things and so

0:55:45.680 --> 0:55:47.839
<v Speaker 2>we show up in a different I want to say

0:55:47.840 --> 0:55:50.440
<v Speaker 2>this correctly, which is not that you're more mature, but

0:55:51.120 --> 0:55:56.080
<v Speaker 2>a more aligned version of maturity. So sometimes somebody might

0:55:56.120 --> 0:55:58.719
<v Speaker 2>be younger and maybe in their twenties, but they've been

0:55:58.760 --> 0:56:01.400
<v Speaker 2>through some things that really allows them to connect with

0:56:01.440 --> 0:56:03.840
<v Speaker 2>somebody who's in their forties or fifties or sixties in

0:56:03.880 --> 0:56:07.239
<v Speaker 2>a different way. And so like I'm always like, what's

0:56:07.520 --> 0:56:09.640
<v Speaker 2>who are the people I don't the age is, you know,

0:56:09.680 --> 0:56:12.680
<v Speaker 2>the age and obviously consensual whatnot, But who are the

0:56:12.680 --> 0:56:14.840
<v Speaker 2>people that are in the relationship is what always matters.

0:56:14.920 --> 0:56:18.480
<v Speaker 1>And sometimes like I like to learn something from relationship, right,

0:56:18.880 --> 0:56:21.440
<v Speaker 1>I really get off on a person's brain, you know,

0:56:21.560 --> 0:56:22.000
<v Speaker 1>So if.

0:56:21.920 --> 0:56:24.480
<v Speaker 2>There's nothing sexier than somebody's fucking brain.

0:56:24.600 --> 0:56:29.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I'm a saor sexual. Yes, yeah. Sometimes you know

0:56:29.040 --> 0:56:31.200
<v Speaker 1>if someone is like a bit older and learned, and

0:56:31.280 --> 0:56:34.840
<v Speaker 1>I mean along with my erotic library fantasy. Yeah, definitely

0:56:34.840 --> 0:56:36.160
<v Speaker 1>like the professor of fantasy.

0:56:36.320 --> 0:56:39.280
<v Speaker 2>Of course I love a professor the learning. It's the learning.

0:56:39.320 --> 0:56:41.080
<v Speaker 2>I always say that I'm turned on by anyone who

0:56:41.080 --> 0:56:42.719
<v Speaker 2>can tell me about things that I don't know about.

0:56:43.080 --> 0:56:45.000
<v Speaker 2>So if you're like a tech nerd or you're like

0:56:45.200 --> 0:56:47.319
<v Speaker 2>giving me all the you could tell me all about

0:56:47.320 --> 0:56:52.319
<v Speaker 2>my computer, I will. I was like your dick. Will

0:56:52.800 --> 0:56:54.359
<v Speaker 2>you want to talk about gardening? I don't know how

0:56:54.360 --> 0:56:57.120
<v Speaker 2>to guarden. I will suck your dick. I just tell

0:56:57.120 --> 0:56:59.560
<v Speaker 2>me about things that like be passionate about something and

0:56:59.600 --> 0:57:03.000
<v Speaker 2>like no all about it it really. Yeah, it's a

0:57:03.040 --> 0:57:06.080
<v Speaker 2>pussy jingle, as I got from Lily Womble from Date Bras,

0:57:06.120 --> 0:57:08.640
<v Speaker 2>and I love that term. Actually it gives me a

0:57:08.640 --> 0:57:09.280
<v Speaker 2>pussy dingle.

0:57:09.360 --> 0:57:13.120
<v Speaker 1>Absolutely yes, wet panty, wet panties.

0:57:13.600 --> 0:57:14.760
<v Speaker 2>Liz. Thank you for being.

0:57:14.520 --> 0:57:17.320
<v Speaker 1>Here, Thank you for having so much fun, so much fun.

0:57:18.200 --> 0:57:19.439
<v Speaker 2>All right, I'll see you next time.

0:57:19.880 --> 0:57:20.200
<v Speaker 1>Bye.

0:57:33.680 --> 0:57:36.240
<v Speaker 2>Well, you know we're hose here, but hose with heart.

0:57:36.320 --> 0:57:41.200
<v Speaker 2>So before we go, let me speak to yours. I

0:57:41.240 --> 0:57:44.120
<v Speaker 2>had such an incredible time talking to Liz, as you saw.

0:57:44.200 --> 0:57:46.000
<v Speaker 2>You know, usually we get into messy mail and then

0:57:46.000 --> 0:57:50.480
<v Speaker 2>we dump dive into the deeper messy key, key, the

0:57:50.520 --> 0:57:55.400
<v Speaker 2>messy conversation. But that messy story, honey, that was a

0:57:55.440 --> 0:57:58.280
<v Speaker 2>messy story, and it just led. I was like, let's

0:57:58.280 --> 0:58:00.360
<v Speaker 2>just fallow the flow because there was just so much

0:58:00.440 --> 0:58:04.600
<v Speaker 2>good juice and so much to talk about. I'm gonna

0:58:04.600 --> 0:58:07.360
<v Speaker 2>start here, which might feel like a random place to start,

0:58:07.400 --> 0:58:09.600
<v Speaker 2>but we were talking about sex work, and you know,

0:58:09.640 --> 0:58:12.160
<v Speaker 2>there's such a stigma around sex work, and so I

0:58:12.240 --> 0:58:15.760
<v Speaker 2>just want to say boldly, sex work is work. And

0:58:15.880 --> 0:58:19.440
<v Speaker 2>so if you are engage, if you are a sex worker,

0:58:19.480 --> 0:58:21.440
<v Speaker 2>I want you to know that you are respected, loved

0:58:21.440 --> 0:58:24.080
<v Speaker 2>and valued here. And if you are somebody who hires

0:58:24.120 --> 0:58:29.120
<v Speaker 2>sex workers, you know, I trust that you are respectful

0:58:29.200 --> 0:58:32.680
<v Speaker 2>and loving and kind and compassionate. And even if you're

0:58:32.680 --> 0:58:35.400
<v Speaker 2>not somebody who is hiring sex workers, I you know,

0:58:35.720 --> 0:58:37.640
<v Speaker 2>I think that it is such a tenet and of

0:58:37.720 --> 0:58:43.160
<v Speaker 2>value here that we distigmatize these things that we've been

0:58:43.320 --> 0:58:47.360
<v Speaker 2>raised to think, are you know, beneath us or below

0:58:47.440 --> 0:58:50.720
<v Speaker 2>us or you know, not polite or whatever the fuck

0:58:50.760 --> 0:58:54.919
<v Speaker 2>the terms are. But sex work is work, and I'm

0:58:54.960 --> 0:58:58.600
<v Speaker 2>really grateful that, you know, we're living in a time

0:58:59.000 --> 0:59:02.160
<v Speaker 2>where there can be more safety around it. Obviously it's

0:59:02.160 --> 0:59:05.360
<v Speaker 2>not perfect, but you know, I think that we listen.

0:59:05.360 --> 0:59:08.520
<v Speaker 2>I got friends who do it, who are on only fans,

0:59:08.560 --> 0:59:12.520
<v Speaker 2>who you know, dominatrices and you know, all the things,

0:59:13.200 --> 0:59:16.760
<v Speaker 2>and I love them. They are also the coolest fucking

0:59:16.840 --> 0:59:19.560
<v Speaker 2>people with the best fucking stories.

0:59:20.000 --> 0:59:20.120
<v Speaker 1>Uh.

0:59:20.200 --> 0:59:22.720
<v Speaker 2>And so I just want to again boldly say sex

0:59:22.760 --> 0:59:26.560
<v Speaker 2>work is work. I really love this conversation around energy

0:59:26.600 --> 0:59:29.680
<v Speaker 2>around sex and we were posing, you know, are you

0:59:29.800 --> 0:59:33.560
<v Speaker 2>doing this for pleasure or to escape? Are you numbing

0:59:33.760 --> 0:59:38.280
<v Speaker 2>or are you engaging this concept of mindless consumption and

0:59:38.400 --> 0:59:42.240
<v Speaker 2>fucking to feel better about yourself as opposed to having

0:59:42.280 --> 0:59:46.080
<v Speaker 2>sex that's restorative and not draining. I can't, you know,

0:59:46.200 --> 0:59:48.920
<v Speaker 2>like we're socialized to think that, you know, sex is

0:59:49.000 --> 0:59:51.680
<v Speaker 2>just putting a dick in in a volva, you know,

0:59:51.720 --> 0:59:54.040
<v Speaker 2>putting your dick in some hole, and that's what it is,

0:59:54.480 --> 0:59:58.360
<v Speaker 2>and it's so much more than that. You cannot deny

0:59:58.480 --> 1:00:01.240
<v Speaker 2>whether you are really spiritual, or you're an atheist, or

1:00:01.240 --> 1:00:04.040
<v Speaker 2>you're you know, full on Christian or your Muslim or

1:00:04.080 --> 1:00:10.160
<v Speaker 2>whatever your religious energetic beliefs are. I think that it

1:00:10.240 --> 1:00:12.280
<v Speaker 2>is important for us to know that when we are

1:00:12.320 --> 1:00:15.280
<v Speaker 2>engaging with sex, that is a transfer of energy. Even

1:00:15.280 --> 1:00:17.920
<v Speaker 2>if it's you know, a glory hall. Okay, even if

1:00:17.920 --> 1:00:20.479
<v Speaker 2>you just you know, you're in the dark room, even

1:00:20.560 --> 1:00:22.680
<v Speaker 2>if you're at a sex party, it's still an exchange

1:00:22.680 --> 1:00:25.480
<v Speaker 2>of energy. And so you get to be intentional about it.

1:00:25.960 --> 1:00:28.800
<v Speaker 2>You get to have anonymous sex, you get to be

1:00:28.840 --> 1:00:30.480
<v Speaker 2>in dark rooms and have sex, you get to fuck

1:00:30.520 --> 1:00:32.440
<v Speaker 2>in the alley way, you can do all these things,

1:00:32.520 --> 1:00:35.200
<v Speaker 2>but it's about doing it with intention, like knowing why

1:00:35.240 --> 1:00:37.600
<v Speaker 2>you're doing it, what are you going after If it

1:00:37.760 --> 1:00:41.200
<v Speaker 2>is to escape the name that for yourself, know that

1:00:41.240 --> 1:00:44.320
<v Speaker 2>for yourself, so you know how you're coming into the interaction,

1:00:44.840 --> 1:00:47.920
<v Speaker 2>and so that you can also keep yourself emotionally and

1:00:47.960 --> 1:00:50.840
<v Speaker 2>physically safe and the partner or partners that you're engaging

1:00:50.840 --> 1:00:53.400
<v Speaker 2>with the same. So I just think, you know, it's

1:00:53.440 --> 1:00:55.600
<v Speaker 2>not about what kind of sex is right or we

1:00:55.640 --> 1:00:58.280
<v Speaker 2>all have our fantasies and our things that we like

1:00:58.360 --> 1:01:01.000
<v Speaker 2>and our kinks and our fetishes all that stuff. But

1:01:01.120 --> 1:01:03.880
<v Speaker 2>I think making sure that you have an intention behind it,

1:01:03.920 --> 1:01:08.160
<v Speaker 2>and you know, when you're engaging versus trying to escape

1:01:09.120 --> 1:01:11.280
<v Speaker 2>doesn't mean that you can't. You know, listen, an escape

1:01:11.360 --> 1:01:17.040
<v Speaker 2>is lovely sometimes, but do it intentionally. Oh I love

1:01:17.120 --> 1:01:20.360
<v Speaker 2>this thing because a lot of us do it. You know,

1:01:20.560 --> 1:01:23.160
<v Speaker 2>this idea that a relationship and I've been talking about

1:01:23.160 --> 1:01:25.400
<v Speaker 2>this on subsec I'm been talking about this on Instagram,

1:01:25.440 --> 1:01:28.080
<v Speaker 2>But this idea that a relationship makes as whole and

1:01:28.160 --> 1:01:32.000
<v Speaker 2>kind of underneath that is getting into a relationship with

1:01:32.000 --> 1:01:34.480
<v Speaker 2>someone so you can point to them and say, there's

1:01:34.560 --> 1:01:37.640
<v Speaker 2>my worth that, Like, I want to step that out

1:01:38.160 --> 1:01:42.480
<v Speaker 2>sometimes whenever I hear people very and there is no judgment, noe.

1:01:42.640 --> 1:01:45.240
<v Speaker 2>Obviously this is a safe space. But like when I

1:01:45.280 --> 1:01:47.680
<v Speaker 2>hear people talking about wanting a relationship, wanting a relationship,

1:01:47.680 --> 1:01:51.320
<v Speaker 2>wanting a relationship, but I'm not hearing them poke at

1:01:51.360 --> 1:01:54.200
<v Speaker 2>what their desire for that relationship is, right, it could

1:01:54.240 --> 1:01:57.320
<v Speaker 2>because I don't want to be lonely or whatever, But like, uh,

1:01:57.720 --> 1:02:02.840
<v Speaker 2>what's happening underneath that vibrating underneath that? Is there a

1:02:02.880 --> 1:02:05.280
<v Speaker 2>part of you that doesn't feel worthy and you hope

1:02:05.320 --> 1:02:07.760
<v Speaker 2>this partner is going to make you feel worthy? Is

1:02:07.800 --> 1:02:09.440
<v Speaker 2>there a part of you that feels that you are

1:02:09.440 --> 1:02:11.200
<v Speaker 2>not you are less than if you are not in

1:02:11.240 --> 1:02:15.480
<v Speaker 2>a relationship, which, by the way, those feelings make sense,

1:02:15.560 --> 1:02:18.280
<v Speaker 2>not because they're true, but because that's how we've been socialized.

1:02:18.680 --> 1:02:21.920
<v Speaker 2>That's what we're taught in every fucking movie that you watch,

1:02:21.960 --> 1:02:26.200
<v Speaker 2>every fucking TV show, every book, there's always, most of

1:02:26.200 --> 1:02:27.880
<v Speaker 2>the time, nine times out of ten, there is some

1:02:27.920 --> 1:02:31.200
<v Speaker 2>sort of romantic relationship. And I talk about this. I

1:02:31.200 --> 1:02:33.560
<v Speaker 2>think we're gonna talk about this on next week's episode.

1:02:33.560 --> 1:02:36.360
<v Speaker 2>But just like this, like there are movies that I've

1:02:36.400 --> 1:02:38.360
<v Speaker 2>watched or rom coms that I've watched where like the

1:02:38.400 --> 1:02:41.160
<v Speaker 2>protagonists is living their best life and they're you know,

1:02:41.240 --> 1:02:44.320
<v Speaker 2>the movie is actually perfect without them finding a mate,

1:02:44.320 --> 1:02:46.320
<v Speaker 2>but they have to find a mate by the end

1:02:46.320 --> 1:02:49.880
<v Speaker 2>of it. And that is so frustrating to me because

1:02:50.000 --> 1:02:53.000
<v Speaker 2>it just signals that we are not enough if we

1:02:53.120 --> 1:02:56.600
<v Speaker 2>are in romantic partnership, which also completely negates all the

1:02:56.640 --> 1:02:59.440
<v Speaker 2>other partnerships that we're in, all the other relationships we're in.

1:02:59.520 --> 1:03:03.160
<v Speaker 2>Right that romantic Bell hook says it right, romantic relationship

1:03:03.240 --> 1:03:07.160
<v Speaker 2>is not the number one right community is like, that's

1:03:07.200 --> 1:03:09.720
<v Speaker 2>the relationship that we should be we should be putting

1:03:09.760 --> 1:03:12.520
<v Speaker 2>on the pedestal romantic relationship gets to be part of

1:03:12.560 --> 1:03:15.280
<v Speaker 2>our community, but it doesn't need to be the be all,

1:03:15.760 --> 1:03:19.840
<v Speaker 2>end all. And so as you pursue relationships, as you

1:03:19.880 --> 1:03:23.280
<v Speaker 2>pursue wanting to find your person or your person's I

1:03:23.320 --> 1:03:24.960
<v Speaker 2>think it's the same thing that we're talking about with

1:03:24.960 --> 1:03:29.240
<v Speaker 2>and with intentional sex. Be intentional about your relationship pursuit.

1:03:29.400 --> 1:03:32.960
<v Speaker 2>Understand why you want it. Understand if it's because I

1:03:32.960 --> 1:03:36.520
<v Speaker 2>would like to experience this thing, because it's a yearning

1:03:36.560 --> 1:03:38.960
<v Speaker 2>I have, it's a desire that I have, or is

1:03:39.000 --> 1:03:41.320
<v Speaker 2>it I want this thing because I don't feel like

1:03:41.360 --> 1:03:44.680
<v Speaker 2>I am enough without it. I feel like I'm broken

1:03:44.760 --> 1:03:46.560
<v Speaker 2>if I don't have it. I feel like I'm not

1:03:46.720 --> 1:03:49.800
<v Speaker 2>worthy or lovable if I don't have it. You know,

1:03:49.920 --> 1:03:53.080
<v Speaker 2>know that's the difference, because it'll it will color your

1:03:53.120 --> 1:03:57.919
<v Speaker 2>pursuit differently, and one will feel expansive and the other

1:03:57.960 --> 1:04:03.160
<v Speaker 2>one will feel burdensome and heavy. And I think when

1:04:03.200 --> 1:04:05.920
<v Speaker 2>it comes to dating and love, you know, obviously there

1:04:05.920 --> 1:04:08.480
<v Speaker 2>will be conflict and tension, and that's part of growth.

1:04:08.600 --> 1:04:11.960
<v Speaker 2>But I hope the base of it, the foundation of

1:04:12.000 --> 1:04:14.960
<v Speaker 2>it is expansion and love. We're not trying to get

1:04:14.960 --> 1:04:18.040
<v Speaker 2>somebody to complete us. We want them to expand us.

1:04:18.680 --> 1:04:21.000
<v Speaker 2>I also want to point out we should always maintain

1:04:21.000 --> 1:04:24.920
<v Speaker 2>a beginner's mindset. Your sexuality, as list said, is as

1:04:25.000 --> 1:04:28.800
<v Speaker 2>individual to you as your thumbprint. But that is a

1:04:29.200 --> 1:04:34.560
<v Speaker 2>component I'm gonna say again here, which is curiosity. But yeah,

1:04:34.560 --> 1:04:37.760
<v Speaker 2>it's like, no matter how experienced you are, like, don't

1:04:37.800 --> 1:04:40.360
<v Speaker 2>feel like once you think that you know everything, then

1:04:40.360 --> 1:04:42.480
<v Speaker 2>maybe it's a ramp, you know, like life is over.

1:04:42.680 --> 1:04:45.439
<v Speaker 2>If you feel like you understand and know everything, then

1:04:45.640 --> 1:04:48.280
<v Speaker 2>you're done. Like, okay, then what else is there? But

1:04:48.360 --> 1:04:51.640
<v Speaker 2>if you can maintain oh, there's more for me to learn,

1:04:51.800 --> 1:04:54.480
<v Speaker 2>more ways in which I can evolve, more ways in

1:04:54.520 --> 1:04:56.800
<v Speaker 2>which I can grow, more ways in which I can expand,

1:04:56.840 --> 1:04:59.919
<v Speaker 2>more things. I can try, Things that maybe I wasn't

1:05:00.080 --> 1:05:02.680
<v Speaker 2>curious about ten years ago. Maybe I'm curious about now.

1:05:02.720 --> 1:05:04.680
<v Speaker 2>Things that I thought I wouldn't like a year ago,

1:05:04.760 --> 1:05:07.240
<v Speaker 2>I might like now. Right, So I think always being

1:05:07.280 --> 1:05:12.120
<v Speaker 2>intentional about you know, poking and pulling a thread and

1:05:12.200 --> 1:05:16.040
<v Speaker 2>asking the question again, Okay, I I didn't, And I'm

1:05:16.040 --> 1:05:18.600
<v Speaker 2>gonna use this about like I don't like piss play. Okay,

1:05:18.840 --> 1:05:21.160
<v Speaker 2>that's okay, nothing wrong with that. But maybe in five

1:05:21.240 --> 1:05:23.720
<v Speaker 2>years you were the different partner. Life has happened different

1:05:23.720 --> 1:05:26.560
<v Speaker 2>whatever You've explored some mother kinks and you might pose

1:05:26.640 --> 1:05:28.840
<v Speaker 2>a question, again, do I like piss play? You might

1:05:28.840 --> 1:05:30.640
<v Speaker 2>come up with the same answer, no, I don't, But

1:05:30.720 --> 1:05:32.919
<v Speaker 2>you might also come up with the answer yeah, I do,

1:05:33.040 --> 1:05:35.760
<v Speaker 2>or maybe I'm like curious about it, and that's great,

1:05:36.480 --> 1:05:38.080
<v Speaker 2>that's okay, you know what I mean. Like, I think

1:05:38.080 --> 1:05:41.800
<v Speaker 2>it's like, how do we create space to continue exploring

1:05:41.840 --> 1:05:44.760
<v Speaker 2>ourselves and continue learning about ourselves? And how do we

1:05:45.160 --> 1:05:46.400
<v Speaker 2>you know, as I say at the top of the

1:05:46.440 --> 1:05:49.640
<v Speaker 2>messy mandates, things get to shift, change, evolve, right, so

1:05:49.760 --> 1:05:52.760
<v Speaker 2>like allow yourself to not just your opinions to shift,

1:05:52.840 --> 1:05:55.720
<v Speaker 2>change and evolve, but your pleasure to shift change and evolve,

1:05:55.880 --> 1:05:58.440
<v Speaker 2>and how you approach it and how you approach what

1:05:58.480 --> 1:06:03.680
<v Speaker 2>sex means to you with betrayal. Uh And when Liz said,

1:06:03.800 --> 1:06:07.680
<v Speaker 2>we said, it's okay to move slow so you don't

1:06:07.720 --> 1:06:15.880
<v Speaker 2>miss the red flags. Aw aw okay. I think that's

1:06:15.920 --> 1:06:18.240
<v Speaker 2>a lesson in life. And I've been saying that to

1:06:18.280 --> 1:06:22.240
<v Speaker 2>myself recently. Go slow, you know, slow, and Liza said,

1:06:22.240 --> 1:06:24.880
<v Speaker 2>slow down and breathe so you don't get ahead of yourself.

1:06:25.160 --> 1:06:27.640
<v Speaker 2>There's such a We are such a culture of immediacy

1:06:28.360 --> 1:06:32.120
<v Speaker 2>post that photo, Now, deliver my food, now, give my

1:06:32.160 --> 1:06:36.160
<v Speaker 2>Amazon package now. Right, We're such a now now now immediacy, immediacy.

1:06:36.640 --> 1:06:39.440
<v Speaker 2>And I don't think that our nervous systems are built

1:06:39.560 --> 1:06:43.480
<v Speaker 2>for a now moment. I think that keeps us a

1:06:43.520 --> 1:06:50.200
<v Speaker 2>little too activate, a little too in flight or fight mode. Right,

1:06:50.200 --> 1:06:54.640
<v Speaker 2>It's just like where I think what we could benefit

1:06:54.680 --> 1:07:00.160
<v Speaker 2>from is more breath, more permission to move slow. As

1:07:00.160 --> 1:07:03.440
<v Speaker 2>they say, somebody's urgency is not your emergency. Right, So,

1:07:03.600 --> 1:07:09.560
<v Speaker 2>just because the world feels very urgent, feels very like, oh, immediately, immediately, immediately,

1:07:09.680 --> 1:07:12.200
<v Speaker 2>doesn't mean that you need to adopt that. You get

1:07:12.200 --> 1:07:15.360
<v Speaker 2>to very clearly say, okay, thank you so much. I

1:07:15.440 --> 1:07:18.760
<v Speaker 2>hear your urgency, I feel your urgency. I'm gonna take

1:07:18.760 --> 1:07:21.520
<v Speaker 2>a beat. I'm gonna take some time, some intentional time.

1:07:21.920 --> 1:07:24.000
<v Speaker 2>Maybe I don't need to respond to that today. Maybe

1:07:24.000 --> 1:07:26.160
<v Speaker 2>I can respond to it tomorrow. I mean that that

1:07:26.200 --> 1:07:28.200
<v Speaker 2>doesn't need to get done tonight. Maybe you can get

1:07:28.240 --> 1:07:30.480
<v Speaker 2>done by the end of the week. You know, I

1:07:30.520 --> 1:07:33.680
<v Speaker 2>don't need to be healed now, you know, maybe I

1:07:33.680 --> 1:07:36.760
<v Speaker 2>can give myself time and grace and take the next

1:07:36.920 --> 1:07:39.080
<v Speaker 2>however long it takes for me to move through this,

1:07:39.440 --> 1:07:42.120
<v Speaker 2>and I can go slow so you don't miss the

1:07:42.160 --> 1:07:45.120
<v Speaker 2>red legs. Okay, And that's the same thing when you

1:07:45.840 --> 1:07:48.120
<v Speaker 2>are starting to date someone. You don't need to meet

1:07:48.160 --> 1:07:51.640
<v Speaker 2>somebody and marry them tomorrow. You know, Hey, if you know,

1:07:51.720 --> 1:07:54.160
<v Speaker 2>you know, great. But like that, we don't have to

1:07:54.160 --> 1:07:55.760
<v Speaker 2>be moved in with each other by the end of

1:07:55.800 --> 1:07:57.600
<v Speaker 2>the month. We get to go slow. We get to

1:07:57.680 --> 1:08:00.840
<v Speaker 2>learn each other, we get to experience each other and

1:08:00.960 --> 1:08:05.280
<v Speaker 2>make really intentional choices. And also if we're going slow,

1:08:05.680 --> 1:08:10.640
<v Speaker 2>we get to feel our defaults get activated and triggered.

1:08:10.720 --> 1:08:13.280
<v Speaker 2>What are old patterns that need to be broken? If

1:08:13.280 --> 1:08:16.360
<v Speaker 2>we're moving at the light of speed, we can much

1:08:16.400 --> 1:08:19.479
<v Speaker 2>more easily fall into old patterns that are no longer

1:08:19.520 --> 1:08:22.880
<v Speaker 2>serving us. But if we intentionally go slow, we can

1:08:22.960 --> 1:08:26.439
<v Speaker 2>catch those old patterns and choose a different choice, which

1:08:26.479 --> 1:08:30.760
<v Speaker 2>is invaluable. And the last thing I will say, or

1:08:30.800 --> 1:08:32.600
<v Speaker 2>maybe the second to leave, there's so much that I

1:08:32.640 --> 1:08:35.440
<v Speaker 2>got from this conversation. I get from all these conversations.

1:08:35.439 --> 1:08:37.639
<v Speaker 2>I really yeah, I really love my job. I really

1:08:37.680 --> 1:08:39.320
<v Speaker 2>love it here, I love being here with you. I

1:08:39.360 --> 1:08:44.000
<v Speaker 2>love these conversations. It really just makes me, and I

1:08:44.080 --> 1:08:46.000
<v Speaker 2>hear it from you. You. You know, when y'all email

1:08:46.080 --> 1:08:48.880
<v Speaker 2>me and DM me, or you see me in the

1:08:48.880 --> 1:08:50.680
<v Speaker 2>street or at the gym or whatever it is, I

1:08:50.720 --> 1:08:54.600
<v Speaker 2>hear it from you as well. But I just feel

1:08:54.640 --> 1:08:59.640
<v Speaker 2>like I get to live a more liberated life. I

1:08:59.680 --> 1:09:02.280
<v Speaker 2>get to to live a more free life from having

1:09:02.360 --> 1:09:05.559
<v Speaker 2>these conversations because I'm learning so much from all these

1:09:05.720 --> 1:09:09.880
<v Speaker 2>incredible spirits and souls and minds that are sitting across

1:09:09.960 --> 1:09:13.280
<v Speaker 2>from me talking about the things we're talking about. Anyways,

1:09:13.400 --> 1:09:15.479
<v Speaker 2>can you let yourself off the hook? Can you give

1:09:15.520 --> 1:09:19.800
<v Speaker 2>yourself grace? You know, sometimes a lot of times if

1:09:19.800 --> 1:09:23.320
<v Speaker 2>you're like me harshest critic, I am my harshest critic.

1:09:23.560 --> 1:09:25.479
<v Speaker 2>You know, Like people can say whatever they want on

1:09:25.479 --> 1:09:28.200
<v Speaker 2>the internet online to my face, it will never be

1:09:28.240 --> 1:09:30.800
<v Speaker 2>as harsh as what I will say about myself. And

1:09:30.840 --> 1:09:33.280
<v Speaker 2>that's something that I that I am. I am actively

1:09:33.280 --> 1:09:36.160
<v Speaker 2>and always working on, Like, how can I give myself

1:09:36.200 --> 1:09:38.760
<v Speaker 2>grace if I mess that up or I didn't, you know,

1:09:39.240 --> 1:09:41.400
<v Speaker 2>nail that thing like I wanted to nail it, or

1:09:41.400 --> 1:09:43.760
<v Speaker 2>I didn't you know, Can I let myself off the

1:09:43.760 --> 1:09:46.160
<v Speaker 2>hook and say, hey, this is part of the journey.

1:09:46.600 --> 1:09:48.800
<v Speaker 2>I don't need to be perfect here, right. This whole

1:09:48.800 --> 1:09:52.000
<v Speaker 2>point of being messy, right is to leave perfection at

1:09:52.000 --> 1:09:55.840
<v Speaker 2>the fucking door and let yourself show up as you are.

1:09:55.960 --> 1:09:59.600
<v Speaker 2>And sometimes that version of yourself is gonna be a

1:09:59.640 --> 1:10:02.400
<v Speaker 2>motherful ten, honey, you might be e be a fifteen,

1:10:02.720 --> 1:10:05.280
<v Speaker 2>and sometimes that version of yourself might be a five

1:10:05.439 --> 1:10:08.080
<v Speaker 2>or a four, And one is not better than the other.

1:10:08.200 --> 1:10:11.439
<v Speaker 2>It is all part of you, all part of your learning,

1:10:11.520 --> 1:10:14.320
<v Speaker 2>all part of your growth. So can you let yourself

1:10:14.320 --> 1:10:16.759
<v Speaker 2>off the hook, and can you give yourself some grace

1:10:17.240 --> 1:10:23.080
<v Speaker 2>when things are not exactly how you planned it? This

1:10:23.160 --> 1:10:27.080
<v Speaker 2>is not don't hold yourself accountable, right, It's different, right,

1:10:27.160 --> 1:10:31.559
<v Speaker 2>like hold yourself accountable. You know, if you create a rupture,

1:10:31.800 --> 1:10:35.320
<v Speaker 2>repair it, hold yourself accountable. But you don't have to

1:10:35.680 --> 1:10:38.400
<v Speaker 2>beat yourself up. Which takes me to this last point,

1:10:38.400 --> 1:10:41.560
<v Speaker 2>which is talk to yourself like you talk to your bestie.

1:10:42.240 --> 1:10:46.760
<v Speaker 2>You live in your mind all the time. So make

1:10:46.800 --> 1:10:51.200
<v Speaker 2>it a kind place to be, make it a compassionate place,

1:10:51.720 --> 1:10:55.679
<v Speaker 2>make it a sweet place, make it a soft place. Again,

1:10:55.720 --> 1:10:58.080
<v Speaker 2>doesn't mean you can't hold yourself accountable. You can't learn,

1:10:58.600 --> 1:11:02.240
<v Speaker 2>but you beating yourself up or talking to yourself like trash,

1:11:02.360 --> 1:11:05.760
<v Speaker 2>like the gutter, like your enemy is not going to

1:11:05.800 --> 1:11:09.600
<v Speaker 2>get you the results that you want. Yeah, and so

1:11:09.680 --> 1:11:14.800
<v Speaker 2>if you find yourself talking crazy to yourself, do what

1:11:14.880 --> 1:11:19.519
<v Speaker 2>Liz does and throw rotten fruit. They'll all release that frustration, okay,

1:11:19.800 --> 1:11:21.960
<v Speaker 2>or find your way to release that. I was actually

1:11:22.120 --> 1:11:24.680
<v Speaker 2>the other night in bed like spiraling. I have this

1:11:24.720 --> 1:11:26.720
<v Speaker 2>really cool opportunity that I can't wait to share with you.

1:11:27.520 --> 1:11:31.120
<v Speaker 2>It's happening. Actually this comes out on Thursday, and I

1:11:31.160 --> 1:11:33.400
<v Speaker 2>will be doing it on this Thursday. Just a wonderful

1:11:33.400 --> 1:11:37.240
<v Speaker 2>opportunity to love on a friend and honor them in

1:11:37.280 --> 1:11:40.800
<v Speaker 2>front of a very incredible room of people. And so

1:11:40.840 --> 1:11:43.080
<v Speaker 2>I've been working on what that speech is and what

1:11:43.120 --> 1:11:45.880
<v Speaker 2>that what my remarks will be, and I'm really happy

1:11:45.920 --> 1:11:48.760
<v Speaker 2>with how it's it's shaping out. And then I was

1:11:48.800 --> 1:11:51.840
<v Speaker 2>going to bed last night and started to just like

1:11:52.080 --> 1:11:55.599
<v Speaker 2>negative talk myself and I had to go, Okay, I

1:11:55.640 --> 1:11:59.160
<v Speaker 2>hear you. I hear you. You're trying to protect me,

1:11:59.600 --> 1:12:02.320
<v Speaker 2>but let's we don't have to catastrophize this. You know,

1:12:02.360 --> 1:12:04.479
<v Speaker 2>we don't have to make this a hard place to be.

1:12:05.080 --> 1:12:09.679
<v Speaker 2>You're doing great, you did well. I hear you. Let's

1:12:09.760 --> 1:12:12.479
<v Speaker 2>release that. So whatever, that's how I released. You know,

1:12:12.520 --> 1:12:15.200
<v Speaker 2>my version of throwing through the wall is more so

1:12:15.320 --> 1:12:18.599
<v Speaker 2>talking to myself. But for you, it might be go

1:12:18.640 --> 1:12:20.599
<v Speaker 2>on a roller coaster for you. It might be doing

1:12:20.640 --> 1:12:22.160
<v Speaker 2>a bunch of push ups for you, might be going

1:12:22.200 --> 1:12:25.840
<v Speaker 2>on a little walk for you. It might be you know,

1:12:25.920 --> 1:12:29.800
<v Speaker 2>listening to a particular artist or album. But find the

1:12:29.800 --> 1:12:33.920
<v Speaker 2>ways that you can release your frustration. Okay, that's it.

1:12:34.240 --> 1:12:37.000
<v Speaker 2>That was a lot, but I was just like taking

1:12:37.040 --> 1:12:38.479
<v Speaker 2>notes and I was like, oh, I gotta hit this.

1:12:38.520 --> 1:12:40.439
<v Speaker 2>I gotta hit this, I gotta hit that. So thank

1:12:40.520 --> 1:12:44.479
<v Speaker 2>y'all for indulging with me. I love you so much.

1:12:46.040 --> 1:12:48.479
<v Speaker 2>You can find me on Instagram as well at Brandon

1:12:48.520 --> 1:12:51.519
<v Speaker 2>Kyle Goodman. You can find our podcast at tell Me

1:12:51.600 --> 1:12:55.000
<v Speaker 2>Something Messy, and you can join our community on the

1:12:55.040 --> 1:12:59.240
<v Speaker 2>Messy Mondays sub stack. When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts,

1:12:59.240 --> 1:13:03.120
<v Speaker 2>recommendation on sex and self and so much more. Also,

1:13:03.160 --> 1:13:05.639
<v Speaker 2>I want to hear from you, so send your topic ideas,

1:13:05.680 --> 1:13:10.760
<v Speaker 2>your messy stories, your submissions, your game ideas to tell

1:13:10.800 --> 1:13:13.519
<v Speaker 2>Me Something Messy at gmail dot com. You can also

1:13:13.640 --> 1:13:16.920
<v Speaker 2>call us at six six nine sixty nine Messy. That

1:13:17.080 --> 1:13:21.280
<v Speaker 2>is six six nine six ninety six three seven seven nine,

1:13:21.479 --> 1:13:24.960
<v Speaker 2>rate review and share this podcast with all your HOE

1:13:25.400 --> 1:13:29.480
<v Speaker 2>and aspiring HOE friends really really helps the show out

1:13:29.640 --> 1:13:32.280
<v Speaker 2>all right. Until next time, ask about the politics of

1:13:32.320 --> 1:13:34.559
<v Speaker 2>that dick before you make it spit, make sure they

1:13:34.640 --> 1:13:37.160
<v Speaker 2>eat the kitty. Buffore what they beat the kitty before

1:13:37.240 --> 1:13:42.040
<v Speaker 2>fuckation or succation. Communication. And in case you haven't heard

1:13:42.040 --> 1:13:47.320
<v Speaker 2>it yet, today you are so deeply loved. I love you, hie.

1:13:49.000 --> 1:13:51.599
<v Speaker 2>Thank you so much for listening to tell Me Something Messy.

1:13:51.720 --> 1:13:53.720
<v Speaker 2>If you all enjoyed the show, send the episode to

1:13:53.760 --> 1:13:56.479
<v Speaker 2>someone else who might like it. Tell Me Something Messy

1:13:56.680 --> 1:13:59.960
<v Speaker 2>was executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins and You'll

1:14:00.400 --> 1:14:04.280
<v Speaker 2>truly Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more

1:14:04.320 --> 1:14:08.360
<v Speaker 2>podcasts from iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio

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<v Speaker 2>app or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.