WEBVTT - What's Wrong With Being Chilly at Work? 0:00:03.560 --> 0:00:07.480 My colleagues. We'll stop commenting on everything assist at people 0:00:07.520 --> 0:00:09.760 and meeting. Why does my coworker keep taking credit for 0:00:09.800 --> 0:00:12.440 all my ideas? Have any wisdom for me? Hi? I'm 0:00:12.440 --> 0:00:16.200 Alison Green. Welcome to the Aska Manager Podcast. Right answer 0:00:16.280 --> 0:00:19.759 questions from listeners about life at work, everything from what 0:00:19.840 --> 0:00:22.479 to say if you're allergic to your coworkers perfume to 0:00:22.560 --> 0:00:24.000 what to do if you drink too much at the 0:00:24.000 --> 0:00:30.240 company party. Let's get started, Hi, and welcome to the show. Today. 0:00:30.240 --> 0:00:32.720 We have a bunch of shorter questions from people, and 0:00:32.920 --> 0:00:36.400 the first question is from someone who's wondering what's so 0:00:36.479 --> 0:00:40.480 wrong with being chilly with people at work? Hi? Allison, 0:00:41.040 --> 0:00:43.440 I've been reading your blog and listening to your podcast 0:00:43.479 --> 0:00:45.720 for a while. There are a number of times you 0:00:45.800 --> 0:00:48.720 describe certain things as coming off as chilly in some 0:00:48.840 --> 0:00:51.400 of your answers. It clicked for me while reading your 0:00:51.400 --> 0:00:54.280 response to the recent letter writer who didn't want to 0:00:54.320 --> 0:00:57.000 interact with small children brought into their office. Since I've 0:00:57.040 --> 0:01:00.560 experienced the same thing in my office, I completely ignore 0:01:00.560 --> 0:01:02.920 it any time someone brings in their small children or 0:01:02.960 --> 0:01:06.080 grandchildren for a visit. Fortunately, I've never been pushed to 0:01:06.120 --> 0:01:08.800 interact with them. It made me realize I have a 0:01:08.880 --> 0:01:12.600 chilly personality in general. I generally don't talk about anything 0:01:12.640 --> 0:01:15.080 not related to work and return the topic to work 0:01:15.160 --> 0:01:18.200 as quickly as possible when asked about something not work related. 0:01:18.520 --> 0:01:20.560 I don't go out of my way to greet co workers. 0:01:20.760 --> 0:01:22.960 I'll return good morning, but find it to be a 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:26.399 pointless ritual. Why, yes, it is, in fact morning. How 0:01:26.520 --> 0:01:28.920 very observant you are is what I think every time 0:01:28.920 --> 0:01:32.440 it happens. I opt out of most social events. I 0:01:32.520 --> 0:01:35.320 often wear over the ear headphones while I work. They're 0:01:35.319 --> 0:01:37.680 not noise canceling, but I've let people believe that they 0:01:37.680 --> 0:01:41.200 are the only coworkers I'd say I have warm relationships 0:01:41.200 --> 0:01:43.640 are those I work closely with or have in the past. 0:01:44.040 --> 0:01:48.360 Fortunately this includes my manager. My question is, what if 0:01:48.400 --> 0:01:51.760 anything is wrong with being chilly? It seems like a 0:01:51.800 --> 0:01:55.800 good efficient way to get along. My experience is necessary 0:01:55.840 --> 0:01:59.440 interactions occur, but those co workers whose work doesn't affect 0:01:59.440 --> 0:02:01.800 mine are un likely to bother me with pointless bs. 0:02:02.320 --> 0:02:03.920 The way I see it is that I come to 0:02:04.000 --> 0:02:07.040 work to do work, not to socialize. I can fake 0:02:07.120 --> 0:02:09.680 it in social situations, but it takes time and energy. 0:02:09.720 --> 0:02:13.360 I'd rather put towards getting work done. Some background information 0:02:13.360 --> 0:02:15.919 in case it's relevant. I'm a man in my very 0:02:16.000 --> 0:02:18.680 late twenties. I turned thirty in a few months. This 0:02:18.800 --> 0:02:21.200 job is my first professional job, and I've been here 0:02:21.200 --> 0:02:23.600 for about four and a half years. The field is 0:02:23.600 --> 0:02:27.440 accounting for a large corporation in a major metropolitan city 0:02:27.440 --> 0:02:30.000 in the Midwest. I do my job well and I've 0:02:30.040 --> 0:02:33.079 always gotten good feedback on my work. I'm definitely more 0:02:33.120 --> 0:02:36.840 analytical than a people person, surprised and tend to be introverted. 0:02:38.919 --> 0:02:42.120 I love this question because it's super logical. What is 0:02:42.160 --> 0:02:45.799 wrong with being chilly? I totally see how it is 0:02:45.840 --> 0:02:48.440 seeming more efficient to you because you're there to focus 0:02:48.440 --> 0:02:50.280 on your work and you don't want to be distracted 0:02:50.280 --> 0:02:53.600 by chit chat, And what is wrong with that. You 0:02:53.760 --> 0:02:56.119 can live your work life the way that you described, 0:02:56.440 --> 0:02:58.519 but there are downsides to doing it, and I would 0:02:58.560 --> 0:03:00.799 just want you to be aware of what the downsides are, 0:03:00.919 --> 0:03:03.680 so that if you choose to stay chilly, you're making 0:03:03.680 --> 0:03:07.480 a deliberate decision with full awareness of the trade offs. 0:03:07.520 --> 0:03:09.880 The biggest thing is that when you do have warm, 0:03:09.919 --> 0:03:13.040 friendly relationships with your colleagues, your life at work is 0:03:13.080 --> 0:03:16.640 often much easier in a ton of different ways. For example, 0:03:16.639 --> 0:03:19.200 when you need a work favor from someone, you're more 0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:21.200 likely to get it if you have a good relationship 0:03:21.240 --> 0:03:24.280 with them. I'm not talking about just asking someone to 0:03:24.320 --> 0:03:27.760 do their job, because anyone reasonably conscientious will of course 0:03:27.840 --> 0:03:30.400 do that. I'm talking about the kind of thing where 0:03:30.440 --> 0:03:32.880 you need someone to really help you out and do 0:03:32.960 --> 0:03:35.360 you a favor something that they're not obligated to do. 0:03:35.560 --> 0:03:38.120 Like let's say you are a client mess something up 0:03:38.160 --> 0:03:39.520 and you need some help at the end of the 0:03:39.600 --> 0:03:42.520 day when everyone is leaving. The person who can help 0:03:42.600 --> 0:03:45.360 you is a lot more likely to delay their dinner 0:03:45.400 --> 0:03:48.080 plans and stay late to help you out if you 0:03:48.120 --> 0:03:51.080 have made the effort to build a warm, friendly relationship, 0:03:51.720 --> 0:03:54.360 or to say, you know, yeah, we normally need three 0:03:54.400 --> 0:03:56.800 days lead time on this, but let me push yours 0:03:56.800 --> 0:03:59.200 through faster since I know that you really need it, 0:03:59.720 --> 0:04:02.800 or all sorts of other favors, stuff that is going 0:04:02.840 --> 0:04:05.640 above and beyond what they have to do, just because 0:04:05.680 --> 0:04:09.200 you've been a nice person to them. Another way that 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:11.320 it can make your life easier is that you're more 0:04:11.360 --> 0:04:14.320 likely to hear information that isn't public yet but could 0:04:14.320 --> 0:04:16.360 affect you in a way that you would want to 0:04:16.400 --> 0:04:20.480 know about, because people have informal channels of trading information 0:04:20.880 --> 0:04:22.520 and they don't tend to do it with people they 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:25.280 don't know. Well. When you have good relationships with the 0:04:25.320 --> 0:04:27.640 people you work with, you're more likely to hear things 0:04:27.720 --> 0:04:30.720 everything from Hey, that job that you're interested in is 0:04:30.760 --> 0:04:32.919 about to open up, and they're only going to interview 0:04:32.920 --> 0:04:35.920 internal candidates, so speak up if you're interested, you should 0:04:35.960 --> 0:04:40.080 let them know. Or hey, they're cutting the reserved parking 0:04:40.120 --> 0:04:42.320 in half next year, so you should buy an annual 0:04:42.360 --> 0:04:43.880 pass now if you want to make sure that you 0:04:43.960 --> 0:04:47.600 keep a spot, or even just stuff like Bob used 0:04:47.640 --> 0:04:49.560 to work with the new manager who's coming in and 0:04:49.600 --> 0:04:51.279 he said it helps to do X, Y and Z 0:04:51.400 --> 0:04:53.880 to get off on the right foot with her. There's 0:04:53.960 --> 0:04:58.200 all kinds of not quite official information that gets passed around, 0:04:58.240 --> 0:05:00.720 and you will generally get left out of at if 0:05:00.760 --> 0:05:05.000 you're not building relationships with people. It can also benefit 0:05:05.040 --> 0:05:07.640 you in more formal ways, because when people know and 0:05:07.680 --> 0:05:10.160 like you, you're more likely to come to mind when 0:05:10.200 --> 0:05:12.919 they're thinking of someone to lead a project or for 0:05:12.960 --> 0:05:16.200 a bunch of other potential professional opportunities. And it's not 0:05:16.240 --> 0:05:18.520 that they would never think of you without that relationship 0:05:18.680 --> 0:05:21.160 just based on your skills, but when they've had a 0:05:21.240 --> 0:05:23.279 chance to get to know you, they're more likely to 0:05:23.320 --> 0:05:25.479 have a wider feel for the kinds of things that 0:05:25.520 --> 0:05:27.920 you'd be interested in and good at, and what you 0:05:28.000 --> 0:05:30.680 might bring to a given assignment, which is always more 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:32.800 than just your resume. But if you don't have a 0:05:32.839 --> 0:05:35.840 relationship with them, they might just know you as basically 0:05:36.040 --> 0:05:40.039 your resume. And another way that relationships pay off are 0:05:40.160 --> 0:05:42.840 your network. When you're looking for a job in the future, 0:05:42.880 --> 0:05:45.120 it really helps to have people who like you and 0:05:45.160 --> 0:05:48.119 are motivated to help you and give you job leads 0:05:48.200 --> 0:05:52.039 or references or suggest useful people to talk to or 0:05:52.120 --> 0:05:54.480 vouch for you to someone who they know has an opening. 0:05:55.000 --> 0:05:57.000 And again it's not that they would never do that 0:05:57.080 --> 0:05:59.279 for you without the relationship, but you're going to get 0:05:59.360 --> 0:06:03.480 way more fit when the relationship is there. Now, those 0:06:03.560 --> 0:06:07.480 are all pretty self interested reasons, and there's nothing wrong 0:06:07.600 --> 0:06:10.480 with self interest, but there's also the fact that when 0:06:10.520 --> 0:06:12.080 you get to know people you work with, you're in 0:06:12.080 --> 0:06:14.719 a better position to help them too. You might be 0:06:14.800 --> 0:06:17.600 able to connect them with the perfect job lead one day, 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:20.000 or help them out when they really need last minute 0:06:20.040 --> 0:06:22.560 help but won't bother you if they don't know you 0:06:22.640 --> 0:06:25.000 well enough to ask you to stay late to help 0:06:25.000 --> 0:06:28.560 them fix something. So it positions you to be a 0:06:28.600 --> 0:06:31.640 better colleague in a lot of ways, and frankly, it 0:06:31.680 --> 0:06:35.120 can also just make work more emotionally fulfilling. Not that 0:06:35.200 --> 0:06:37.159 you need to populate your office with a bunch of 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:39.640 best friends, because you don't, and there can be real 0:06:39.680 --> 0:06:42.320 downsides to doing that. So I want to be clear 0:06:42.480 --> 0:06:44.760 that's not what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about 0:06:44.880 --> 0:06:47.719 coming in and having an hour of deep conversation with 0:06:47.760 --> 0:06:51.200 people every day, or sharing intimate details of your life. 0:06:51.600 --> 0:06:55.040 I'm just talking about being warm and acknowledging them as 0:06:55.040 --> 0:06:57.880 fellow humans, which is what good morning is about, by 0:06:57.920 --> 0:07:02.240 the way, and finding points of connection, and frankly, just 0:07:02.480 --> 0:07:05.240 liking the people who you work with. Being able to 0:07:05.279 --> 0:07:08.559 grab lunch with someone on a particularly weird or slow 0:07:08.680 --> 0:07:11.520 or stressful day, or being able to talk about something 0:07:11.520 --> 0:07:14.440 funny that just happened in a meeting, or just having 0:07:14.560 --> 0:07:18.360 camaraderie with people who know all of the characters and 0:07:18.400 --> 0:07:21.280 the stresses of your work life. In a way that 0:07:21.320 --> 0:07:24.720 people outside of work will never fully get there can 0:07:24.800 --> 0:07:27.240 be real value in that. And that part might not 0:07:27.320 --> 0:07:30.280 resonate with you, and that's okay if it doesn't. Just 0:07:30.360 --> 0:07:33.000 focus on all the other reasons that I gave, but 0:07:33.080 --> 0:07:34.960 I think you might be surprised by how much more 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:39.080 enjoyable it can make getting up and going to work. 0:07:39.760 --> 0:07:41.280 We're going to get to a short break here and 0:07:41.280 --> 0:07:52.280 then we'll come right back. I have two employees. Let's 0:07:52.360 --> 0:07:55.680 call them Dufless and Diligent to be totally their Both 0:07:55.680 --> 0:07:59.880 employees show up on time, interact pleasantly with coworkers and patrons, 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:03.120 and do whatever is asked of them competently. We work 0:08:03.160 --> 0:08:06.040 in a library, and just like every other library in America, 0:08:06.160 --> 0:08:09.800 our circulation is down. We can blame a decent economy, 0:08:10.000 --> 0:08:13.240 the internet, or changing times, but my job is still 0:08:13.280 --> 0:08:16.680 to raise circulation. I expect my employees to help me 0:08:16.720 --> 0:08:19.960 with this task. Diligent has come up with some amazing 0:08:20.000 --> 0:08:24.600 ways to engage the public. Enthusiastically embraces other people's ideas 0:08:24.640 --> 0:08:27.360 and carries them out, and he presents new ideas that 0:08:27.400 --> 0:08:29.760 are well bought out without taking offense that they are 0:08:29.840 --> 0:08:33.600 just not the right time Dufaus to recognizes that our 0:08:33.679 --> 0:08:36.960 library needs to grow, but refuses to believe it is possible. 0:08:37.720 --> 0:08:39.920 He is involved with the federal program that will pay 0:08:40.000 --> 0:08:42.160 some or all of his student loans if he works 0:08:42.160 --> 0:08:45.120 for a nonprofit for ten years. His eyes on that 0:08:45.240 --> 0:08:47.080 prize and he has no idea what he wants to 0:08:47.080 --> 0:08:50.839 do once it is achieved. I inherited both of these employees. 0:08:51.160 --> 0:08:54.320 Should I expend time and energy trying to inspire dufaus 0:08:54.400 --> 0:08:57.320 to love what libraries do? Or maybe the better question 0:08:57.400 --> 0:08:59.720 is do I worry about developing Dufus when I have 0:08:59.800 --> 0:09:02.840 a diligent I feel like my job as their manager 0:09:02.960 --> 0:09:05.760 is to help them grow in skills and competence. But 0:09:05.880 --> 0:09:08.800 Dufiz has stated that he's perfectly comfortable where he's at, 0:09:09.640 --> 0:09:12.520 aside from zero ambition or future of thinking, he's not 0:09:12.600 --> 0:09:14.920 a bad employee. I just feel like I'm not being 0:09:14.960 --> 0:09:17.040 fair to him if I don't try to help develop 0:09:17.080 --> 0:09:21.480 those intangible qualities. Do we have an obligation of fairness 0:09:21.520 --> 0:09:24.839 and development to our employees. I really appreciate your take 0:09:24.920 --> 0:09:29.160 on this, so I'm going to argue something which may 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:33.079 surprise you, which is that, at its core, a manager's 0:09:33.160 --> 0:09:37.520 job really isn't to develop employees skills and confidence. A 0:09:37.559 --> 0:09:41.439 manager's job is to get results in their realm. Now, 0:09:41.600 --> 0:09:44.760 very often getting results in your team's work will mean 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:48.120 helping your employees develop their skills. That is something that 0:09:48.160 --> 0:09:50.080 most of the time a good manager is going to do. 0:09:50.880 --> 0:09:54.160 But you're doing it not because developing people is the 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:56.600 end that you're aiming for. You're doing it because it's 0:09:56.600 --> 0:09:59.720 in service of your organization's ability to meet its goals 0:09:59.800 --> 0:10:03.199 and get great results. Developing people can help them get 0:10:03.240 --> 0:10:06.240 better results, and it can help you attract and retain 0:10:06.320 --> 0:10:09.160 good people. So it's a very worthy thing to do. 0:10:09.800 --> 0:10:13.240 But ultimately it is a means to an end. And 0:10:13.360 --> 0:10:15.680 I know that that sounds cold and calculating, and I 0:10:15.679 --> 0:10:17.520 don't mean it to be. I just want to be 0:10:17.640 --> 0:10:21.400 very realistic and clear eyed about why you put energy 0:10:21.480 --> 0:10:25.079 into developing people. So when you have a situation like yours, 0:10:25.200 --> 0:10:28.840 where someone isn't really interested in developing his skills and 0:10:28.840 --> 0:10:31.480 trying new ways of doing things and taking initiative and 0:10:31.520 --> 0:10:35.440 so forth, it's not your job to invest major energy 0:10:35.640 --> 0:10:38.560 in trying to bring those things out in him. To 0:10:38.640 --> 0:10:40.920 be clear, I would try it first, but once it 0:10:40.960 --> 0:10:43.680 becomes clear to you that it's an uphill battle and 0:10:43.720 --> 0:10:46.920 that it's not something he's interested in doing. You're not 0:10:46.960 --> 0:10:51.760 obligated to keep investing that energy in him. I would 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:54.959 ask yourself whether he is the right person for the job. 0:10:55.320 --> 0:10:57.560 Do you do you want to have someone in his 0:10:57.640 --> 0:11:00.760 job who doesn't embrace new ideas and he doesn't operate 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:04.360 with much of a sense of possibility. It's possible that 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:06.600 for the type of work that he does, that's completely fine, 0:11:06.760 --> 0:11:09.319 and that he's still able to perform at an excellent 0:11:09.400 --> 0:11:13.040 level without those things. But for a lot of jobs, 0:11:13.040 --> 0:11:15.800 those things really would hold him back from performing at 0:11:15.800 --> 0:11:18.079 the level that you want. So that would be the 0:11:18.160 --> 0:11:20.560 question that I would focus on. Is he bringing to 0:11:20.600 --> 0:11:23.839 the job what you need him to bring. If he's not, 0:11:24.360 --> 0:11:27.160 that's the conversation to have with him, to say, you know, hey, 0:11:27.160 --> 0:11:29.679 what I need from this role is someone who will 0:11:29.679 --> 0:11:32.000 help me come up with ideas to raise circulation, someone 0:11:32.040 --> 0:11:36.120 who will generate ideas themselves, or at least enthusiastically carry 0:11:36.120 --> 0:11:39.960 out other people's ideas. You've said that you don't believe 0:11:40.000 --> 0:11:42.320 that it's possible for our library to grow, and we 0:11:42.360 --> 0:11:44.679 need to figure out if you can change that. Mindset 0:11:44.760 --> 0:11:47.680 or not, because to succeed in this job, you do 0:11:47.800 --> 0:11:50.920 have to come at it differently. Now that's not exactly 0:11:50.960 --> 0:11:53.120 what you're asking me, I realize, but it's an important 0:11:53.120 --> 0:11:56.880 piece of this. Back to your question, it is okay 0:11:56.920 --> 0:11:59.680 to invest your development energies in the place where you 0:11:59.720 --> 0:12:02.160 have seen that they will pay off the most. And 0:12:02.280 --> 0:12:05.560 that might mean that your enthusiastic employee does get the 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:08.200 bulk of your investment. That way, I would just be 0:12:08.360 --> 0:12:11.720 very clear with the less enthusiastic one about why that is. 0:12:11.840 --> 0:12:15.160 So that he's not drawing his own conclusions about what's 0:12:15.200 --> 0:12:17.920 going on and thinking that you're being unfair or that 0:12:17.960 --> 0:12:20.559 you don't like him. You want to be very transparent 0:12:20.679 --> 0:12:25.200 with him about what's happening. Okay, here's our next collar. 0:12:26.760 --> 0:12:29.360 Hi Allison. Firstly, I can't begin to thank you enough 0:12:29.400 --> 0:12:32.400 for your words of wisdom. I especially into a management 0:12:32.480 --> 0:12:34.520 role at a really young age and never got the 0:12:34.600 --> 0:12:37.840 right training. So your podcast gives me a great guidance 0:12:37.840 --> 0:12:42.160 on so many relevant topics. So here's my dilemma. I 0:12:42.280 --> 0:12:45.800 work as a manager in a really small nonprofit about 0:12:45.800 --> 0:12:48.920 six full time employees that's based in California. I've been 0:12:48.920 --> 0:12:52.600 working with the organization for about three and a half years. Somehow, 0:12:52.679 --> 0:12:55.600 over these years, our CEO and my direct boss, has 0:12:55.640 --> 0:12:58.559 taken on a very paternal role in my life. About 0:12:58.600 --> 0:13:00.840 his daughter's age. Turns out he grew up near where 0:13:00.880 --> 0:13:04.199 my parents used to live. There are a lot of parallels. 0:13:04.960 --> 0:13:06.680 When I took the job, I thought it would be 0:13:06.760 --> 0:13:09.199 a two year option that would help me broad in 0:13:09.280 --> 0:13:12.800 my career. Last year, about the two point five year mark, 0:13:13.040 --> 0:13:15.360 my fiance and I decided to quit our jobs and 0:13:15.400 --> 0:13:17.280 then moved to New York, where he had a job 0:13:17.320 --> 0:13:21.040 lined up. It was a personal decision that I wholeheartedly 0:13:21.120 --> 0:13:23.640 felt was the right one. I gave my boss a 0:13:23.800 --> 0:13:27.480 six week notice, which I think is fair considering the 0:13:27.559 --> 0:13:31.720 nature of nonprofits, especially this one. He didn't take it well. 0:13:32.120 --> 0:13:36.680 He tuned into his fatherly persona and somehow convinced me 0:13:36.720 --> 0:13:39.400 to give him another four weeks, a total of ten 0:13:39.480 --> 0:13:42.960 to eleven weeks notice. When I left, I signed a 0:13:43.040 --> 0:13:46.360 contract that when I returned from traveling abroad, that I 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:49.040 could help him remotely from New York. And because I 0:13:49.080 --> 0:13:51.760 didn't have a job lined up, this seemed like a 0:13:51.800 --> 0:13:55.520 short term blessing. It's now one year since I gave 0:13:55.640 --> 0:13:59.959 him my original notice, and I'm interviewing with other organizations 0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:02.280 in my area and I even have an offer on 0:14:02.320 --> 0:14:06.760 the table. This short term remote work is really tough 0:14:06.800 --> 0:14:09.760 for me. I wanted to tell him I'm leaving, and 0:14:09.800 --> 0:14:12.360 I guess I have to, but I'm concerned he will 0:14:12.400 --> 0:14:15.640 talk me out of it again by tapping into his 0:14:15.679 --> 0:14:20.880 paternal role. How would it dost navigate the situation? The 0:14:20.960 --> 0:14:25.440 good news here is this is one hundred percent entirely 0:14:25.560 --> 0:14:29.480 within your control. He can't make you stay, and I 0:14:29.520 --> 0:14:32.080 know it feels like maybe he can because he kind 0:14:32.120 --> 0:14:34.720 of did that last time. But you've got to remember 0:14:34.760 --> 0:14:37.720 that last time you capitulated and agreed to do it. 0:14:38.360 --> 0:14:40.960 And I totally get that. I come from nonprofits to you, 0:14:41.040 --> 0:14:42.840 and I know that there is an ethos that if 0:14:42.840 --> 0:14:46.200 you care about the mission, you'll make those kinds of sacrifices, 0:14:46.280 --> 0:14:49.080 and that if you don't, you're somehow letting down the cause. 0:14:49.960 --> 0:14:52.160 I am here to tell you that is BS and 0:14:52.360 --> 0:14:55.680 it's really damaging because it keeps people in bad situations 0:14:55.720 --> 0:14:58.560 for too long, and it lets them be manipulated into 0:14:58.560 --> 0:15:00.960 doing things they don't want to you and that aren't 0:15:00.960 --> 0:15:04.280 in their best interests, and it is really really common 0:15:04.360 --> 0:15:08.320 in nonprofits actually even in for profit businesses. I get 0:15:08.320 --> 0:15:10.520 a ton of letters from people who let themselves be 0:15:10.640 --> 0:15:13.760 talked out of quitting, or talked into giving way more 0:15:13.800 --> 0:15:17.359 notice than they want to at real inconvenience to themselves, 0:15:17.800 --> 0:15:20.920 or people who reluctantly agree to do contract work after 0:15:20.960 --> 0:15:23.560 they go. People have a lot of trouble making a 0:15:23.560 --> 0:15:25.800 clean break, So you have a lot of company in 0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:28.320 this boat. But you've got to remember this is on 0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:31.920 your decision. Your boss might try to pressure you to 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:34.120 stay because it would be good for him and good 0:15:34.160 --> 0:15:37.160 for the organization. But you get to say no to that, 0:15:37.280 --> 0:15:39.800 and you're not letting anyone down. You're not letting down 0:15:39.840 --> 0:15:43.400 your organization or its mission. It is just a normal 0:15:43.480 --> 0:15:47.400 part of doing business. People leave jobs and usually they 0:15:47.440 --> 0:15:49.680 make a clean break, and that's just how it goes. 0:15:50.640 --> 0:15:54.160 You have to really believe that, because otherwise you won't 0:15:54.160 --> 0:15:57.000 stand up to the pressure. It helps to go into 0:15:57.000 --> 0:16:00.240 the conversation knowing that he's going to pressure you and 0:16:00.320 --> 0:16:03.000 being armed with some language that you will use when 0:16:03.080 --> 0:16:06.720 that happens. So I would be prepared with sentences like 0:16:07.720 --> 0:16:10.040 I appreciate the offer, but I've given it a lot 0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:12.040 of thought and I've realized I need to move on, 0:16:12.840 --> 0:16:15.040 or you know, I've really enjoyed working with you, but 0:16:15.080 --> 0:16:18.680 I've accepted another offer and I'm committed to leaving by date. 0:16:19.360 --> 0:16:21.800 And if he really pressures you, then you just say, hey, 0:16:21.840 --> 0:16:23.640 I appreciate it, but I want to be upfront with you. 0:16:23.680 --> 0:16:26.200 My decision is final and this time I can't change it, 0:16:26.920 --> 0:16:29.640 and then immediately say something like, let's talk about what 0:16:29.680 --> 0:16:31.840 the transition of my work should look like, so that 0:16:31.880 --> 0:16:35.840 you're moving forward rather than staying mired in this one 0:16:35.920 --> 0:16:38.200 spot in the conversation, the question of will you or 0:16:38.280 --> 0:16:42.520 won't you? Now, you mentioned that he gets paternal with you, 0:16:42.600 --> 0:16:44.560 and I wonder if that means that part of his 0:16:44.600 --> 0:16:47.400 pressure will be stuff like telling you that you're making 0:16:47.400 --> 0:16:50.520 the wrong decision for yourself, or that it will be 0:16:50.600 --> 0:16:52.720 fine if you just give them another couple of months, 0:16:52.800 --> 0:16:54.840 or that kind of thing. If he goes into that 0:16:54.920 --> 0:16:58.520 kind of mode, just be prepared for it and just resolved, 0:16:58.640 --> 0:17:01.640 hold firm. You really don't need to say anything other 0:17:01.680 --> 0:17:04.520 than no, I can't do that. Truly. You don't need 0:17:04.560 --> 0:17:07.159 anything else. You just need to be determined that you 0:17:07.160 --> 0:17:10.119 won't change your mind. Also, be prepared for him to 0:17:10.160 --> 0:17:14.119 propose just giving you less work but still keeping you around, 0:17:14.200 --> 0:17:16.760 because he might figure that's a way to get you 0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:19.600 to agree. Don't be tempted to give into that either, 0:17:20.119 --> 0:17:21.960 because when you get this other job, you're going to 0:17:22.040 --> 0:17:24.040 want to focus fully on it, and you should have 0:17:24.080 --> 0:17:26.840 a clean break from this one. But really, the main 0:17:26.920 --> 0:17:28.960 thing to know is this is your call. He can't 0:17:28.960 --> 0:17:31.520 make you change it. That doesn't mean that he won't try. 0:17:31.600 --> 0:17:34.479 And actually, years ago, very early in my career, I 0:17:34.600 --> 0:17:37.720 quit my job and the head of the organization locked 0:17:37.760 --> 0:17:40.919 me in her office, literally locked me in there for 0:17:41.000 --> 0:17:44.399 two hours while she tried to change my mind. It 0:17:44.520 --> 0:17:47.080 was very odd she kept playing good cop and then 0:17:47.160 --> 0:17:52.399 bad cop all by herself. If that happened now, I 0:17:52.400 --> 0:17:54.360 wouldn't have stayed for the whole two hours. I would 0:17:54.359 --> 0:17:57.520 have gotten up pretty soon into it and said, you know, 0:17:57.600 --> 0:17:59.480 I really appreciate you trying to find a way to 0:17:59.520 --> 0:18:01.680 make it work, but I've given it a lot of 0:18:01.720 --> 0:18:03.879 thought and this is the right decision for me, and 0:18:03.920 --> 0:18:07.800 then gotten up, unlocked the door and left. But I 0:18:07.840 --> 0:18:09.439 was twenty five at the time, and I did not 0:18:09.480 --> 0:18:12.720 think to do that that is just to say there 0:18:12.720 --> 0:18:15.400 are high pressure bosses out there, but they can't make 0:18:15.440 --> 0:18:18.120 you stay at a job. You're not an indentured servant 0:18:18.520 --> 0:18:21.600 and you get to do what's right for you. We'll 0:18:21.600 --> 0:18:33.040 do one more break here and be right back, Hi, Alison. 0:18:33.560 --> 0:18:36.160 My team is currently in a huge time crunch due 0:18:36.160 --> 0:18:39.040 to an upcoming product launch. We have a new coworker 0:18:39.080 --> 0:18:42.399 who joined us shortly before this huge time crunch, and 0:18:42.440 --> 0:18:44.800 to be honest, I had concerns about her work ethic 0:18:44.880 --> 0:18:47.800 from the start that I was trying to ignore. But 0:18:47.880 --> 0:18:51.080 I just can't do it anymore. Um. She's almost never 0:18:51.160 --> 0:18:53.560 at her desk, and when she is present, she won't 0:18:53.560 --> 0:18:56.040 even pretend to log in and work. She has not 0:18:56.119 --> 0:18:58.719 offered even one option for our projects that we've been 0:18:58.760 --> 0:19:01.800 working on for weeks now. Meanwhile, give you an idea 0:19:01.880 --> 0:19:04.280 how busy we are. One of my coworkers actually gave 0:19:04.359 --> 0:19:08.240 up breathement time, missed his grandmother's funeral in order to 0:19:08.280 --> 0:19:11.520 come and help use our workload. And meanwhile, my manager 0:19:11.560 --> 0:19:14.240 keeps showing up my desk and asking me to like 0:19:14.359 --> 0:19:18.119 sad the day by coming up with these magnificent answers. Um, 0:19:18.200 --> 0:19:20.720 I know she makes more money than me due to 0:19:20.760 --> 0:19:24.080 her prior role in the way um internal transfers work 0:19:24.119 --> 0:19:26.960 in my company, and I'm finding it more and more 0:19:27.000 --> 0:19:31.040 difficult to keep myself at an even keel. I'm just 0:19:31.080 --> 0:19:33.720 getting aggravated seeing the lack of work on her heart. 0:19:34.400 --> 0:19:36.919 I'm trying to remind myself that life isn't really fair. 0:19:37.720 --> 0:19:39.879 How do I get my mind off of this before 0:19:40.040 --> 0:19:43.159 I start showing my frustration in front of my colleagues. 0:19:45.080 --> 0:19:47.920 I think you have three options here. The first one 0:19:48.080 --> 0:19:52.000 is I wonder if you have tried directly assigning work 0:19:52.080 --> 0:19:54.760 to this co worker. That may or may not make 0:19:54.840 --> 0:19:57.080 sense in your context, but if you're all working on 0:19:57.119 --> 0:19:59.760 the same project, it might be perfectly fine to say 0:19:59.760 --> 0:20:02.199 to her, Hey, Jane, could you do X and Y 0:20:02.240 --> 0:20:05.360 by this Friday? Or Jane, I'm swamped. Can you help 0:20:05.400 --> 0:20:07.720 me with X. I can show you exactly what needs 0:20:07.720 --> 0:20:10.720 to be done. It might be interesting to see what 0:20:10.840 --> 0:20:15.080 happens when someone directly pulls her in like that. The 0:20:15.200 --> 0:20:17.760 second option is to say something directly to your boss. 0:20:17.960 --> 0:20:19.880 A lot of people are trained to think that they're 0:20:19.960 --> 0:20:22.720 never supposed to complain about a co worker to their manager, 0:20:23.080 --> 0:20:25.679 but you are allowed to raise issues that are directly 0:20:25.680 --> 0:20:28.119 affecting you, and if you're having to pick up extra 0:20:28.160 --> 0:20:31.240 work because of her, that gives you standing to say something. 0:20:32.000 --> 0:20:34.480 You could say something to your manager, like, I am 0:20:34.480 --> 0:20:36.639