1 00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's The Velvet's 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,520 Speaker 1: Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson. All Right, you guys, it 3 00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:12,440 Speaker 1: is our last week of the Month of Love, and 4 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:15,240 Speaker 1: last week, you guys know that we had the CMO 5 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:19,040 Speaker 1: of Okay, Cubid, Okay Cupid excuse me, Melissa Hobley on 6 00:00:19,079 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 1: the podcast, just to talk us through the different ways 7 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,080 Speaker 1: that we should be approaching dating apps these days, because 8 00:00:25,079 --> 00:00:28,040 Speaker 1: that in two does seem like the best way to 9 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,120 Speaker 1: meet people, and that's kind of what we're moving into. 10 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:33,559 Speaker 1: But I started thinking that we needed to backtrack into 11 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:37,640 Speaker 1: how to actually date a little bit. Um. I know, 12 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:39,800 Speaker 1: for me, I have talked openly with you guys about 13 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:43,400 Speaker 1: just some sort of unhealthy relationship dynamics that I've been 14 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,960 Speaker 1: in my entire life, and so what I'm really actually 15 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,000 Speaker 1: trying to learn now is a new way to date. 16 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:53,080 Speaker 1: So Leah, remind me how to say your last name. Geary. 17 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:57,600 Speaker 1: Leah A. Geary is here to talk us through different 18 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:01,440 Speaker 1: ways to date with intention. She is a licensed clinical 19 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,160 Speaker 1: social worker. She's in San Diego. Oh my gosh, this 20 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,480 Speaker 1: is super early for you. I just realized this is 21 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,640 Speaker 1: a super early morning. I'm an early early bird. I 22 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:12,840 Speaker 1: love with Yeah, you know, nothing like a little dating 23 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:15,679 Speaker 1: with your coffee in the morning, dating talk um. But 24 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:19,000 Speaker 1: you mostly work with twenty and thirty something your old 25 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,360 Speaker 1: women just who are on the same journey as me 26 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:24,440 Speaker 1: and really like wanting to own their self worth, own 27 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,720 Speaker 1: themselves and then figure out how to take that dynamic 28 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:30,800 Speaker 1: into a relationship. So I need your help. We need 29 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:34,840 Speaker 1: your help today. Can you help us? Leah Hi? First 30 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:38,080 Speaker 1: of all, I think that the biggest part is, like 31 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:41,080 Speaker 1: you mentioned, like you're is I don't think people date 32 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,560 Speaker 1: themselves or figure themselves out prior to dating, And I 33 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,959 Speaker 1: think that's key, and that's what I did wrong all 34 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,520 Speaker 1: in my twenties was I was seeking someone to complete me, 35 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 1: and you're just going with the like your antennas are 36 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,920 Speaker 1: up just for the one, and you're not actually doing 37 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:59,720 Speaker 1: the work yourself to work through all this stuff that's 38 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:02,680 Speaker 1: in this compulsive need to date and find the one 39 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:05,800 Speaker 1: or be in the relationship. So I think that's I 40 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:09,840 Speaker 1: think that's like the first part is nice. The stuff 41 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,519 Speaker 1: you need to work on, what you've gone through in 42 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,880 Speaker 1: the past, what you need in a partner, what you 43 00:02:13,919 --> 00:02:17,840 Speaker 1: bring to the table before even like going on you know, 44 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,040 Speaker 1: any dates, And I don't I mean saying you shouldn't date, 45 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:22,880 Speaker 1: But I think like if you go into a situation 46 00:02:22,919 --> 00:02:25,040 Speaker 1: not knowing your worth and not knowing what you're looking for, 47 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:27,880 Speaker 1: you're essentially going and blind and you don't really know 48 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:33,320 Speaker 1: how to navigate situations that are tough or unhealthy or 49 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,880 Speaker 1: even like healthy because you don't know like what to 50 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,200 Speaker 1: look for what you want. Yeah, it's so huge. I've 51 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,440 Speaker 1: been talking a lot about that too, because I've realized 52 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:45,280 Speaker 1: as I'm getting out of my last relationship that a 53 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:48,120 Speaker 1: lot of people get out of serious relationships and they 54 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,959 Speaker 1: just bounce right into the next thing. You know what. 55 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,480 Speaker 1: I've done that back in my twenties before, and um, 56 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,520 Speaker 1: something I did learn in my thirties similar to what 57 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:58,799 Speaker 1: you're saying, is just that after such a big relationship, 58 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:01,760 Speaker 1: if I'm not taking the time to reflect on what 59 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,639 Speaker 1: I brought to the table there, why I picked that partner, 60 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,520 Speaker 1: what the dynamic was in general, I'm just gonna keep 61 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:12,160 Speaker 1: repeating the same pattern over and over and over again. Yeah, 62 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,400 Speaker 1: and I think it's I think also it's like what 63 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:18,600 Speaker 1: we witness growing up, or like the social programming that 64 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:21,160 Speaker 1: also goes into it where we're like, well, this is 65 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 1: like normal or this is okay. I do think that we, 66 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,840 Speaker 1: especially women, I have like higher our socialized I have 67 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:32,440 Speaker 1: like higher tolerance or thresholds for the bullshit, and you know, 68 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:35,200 Speaker 1: I think then we just kind of go into every 69 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:40,920 Speaker 1: situation with very like a high threshold and versus being like, actually, 70 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 1: even like if I can't tolerate this, I don't have 71 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,560 Speaker 1: to write, oh my god. My therapist always says to 72 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 1: me that I have an unhealthy let's just say, an 73 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:56,640 Speaker 1: unhealthy tolerance for unacceptable behavior. Yeah, that's something I'm working on. 74 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:01,760 Speaker 1: I think like, as someone who's compassionate and empathic really 75 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:05,800 Speaker 1: is caring and giving, oftentimes you want to you know, 76 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:07,720 Speaker 1: you want to see the best in people. You like 77 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,960 Speaker 1: see her, and you see what someone's been through, So 78 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,920 Speaker 1: then we're so much more forgiving and that way often times, 79 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:17,599 Speaker 1: and then you let things go and you let very 80 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:21,480 Speaker 1: abusive behaviors go, or even just subtly abusive behaviors go 81 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,839 Speaker 1: because you're like, well, they have this going on, you know, 82 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:26,320 Speaker 1: growing up, or like this is their past relationship, or 83 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,520 Speaker 1: they just don't trust people, and so then you just 84 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:33,880 Speaker 1: kind of almost like fuel their own narrative completely because 85 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,440 Speaker 1: you're just like being and it's not even conscious, Like 86 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:40,680 Speaker 1: I really think oftentimes when you're so giving and you 87 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:44,240 Speaker 1: just care so deeply for for people, that it's easy 88 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:48,640 Speaker 1: to just let things go into I guess like justify behaviors. 89 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,520 Speaker 1: It is. And I think like, especially if you're a 90 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:55,600 Speaker 1: person who like I feel, I mean, I know I 91 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:58,760 Speaker 1: don't do this perfectly, no one does, but constantly kind 92 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,039 Speaker 1: of want to know like what I'm doing wrong, and 93 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:04,400 Speaker 1: I want to do something or learn something to change it. 94 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,640 Speaker 1: And so I kind of operate from this place that 95 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:10,920 Speaker 1: everyone is like that, and so that can also get 96 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,520 Speaker 1: me into a lot of trouble because, like we were 97 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:15,680 Speaker 1: talking before and I said to you, a lot of 98 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:19,120 Speaker 1: the issues that I bring, um, you know, to a 99 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:23,160 Speaker 1: relationship or whatever, I will over own what is happening 100 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,200 Speaker 1: in the relationship to be like, oh, yeah, yeah, I 101 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,360 Speaker 1: did do that, or yes, I'll go work on this 102 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:29,440 Speaker 1: or X, Y and Z, I'll stop doing that, I'll 103 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,840 Speaker 1: go get this help, or I'll do that. And then 104 00:05:31,839 --> 00:05:34,680 Speaker 1: when I realize it, or I won't realize it until 105 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,080 Speaker 1: way later. But like I'm the only one doing that 106 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,720 Speaker 1: and everybody has ship, but I know, I'm not that 107 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,280 Speaker 1: messed up, you know, and like so it's it's one 108 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,200 Speaker 1: of those things where you have to really be paying 109 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 1: attention to if you're on equal playing field with your 110 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,280 Speaker 1: partner or else. That can become a really unhealthy dynamic 111 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:54,840 Speaker 1: if only one person is taking the responsibility exactly. And 112 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,120 Speaker 1: I think, and we were talking about this too, when 113 00:05:57,200 --> 00:06:01,880 Speaker 1: someone's like emotionally immature or manipulative, and it's really hard 114 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,000 Speaker 1: to see that because it's so it's like we call 115 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:05,800 Speaker 1: it the bread crumbs, right, Like it's just like you 116 00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:08,279 Speaker 1: have a lot of like a little like positive bread crumbs, 117 00:06:08,279 --> 00:06:10,440 Speaker 1: and then you have these like moments where they kind 118 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:14,400 Speaker 1: of like shake your like reasoning, like you're like because 119 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,280 Speaker 1: they're like, oh, like the point out little things that 120 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:20,880 Speaker 1: maybe they know you're self conscious of or insecure about. 121 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:25,479 Speaker 1: And then it becomes like just this mind field like 122 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:28,240 Speaker 1: like it was that me? Was that them? Okay? So 123 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:31,240 Speaker 1: they mentioned this was me? That makes sense because and 124 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,960 Speaker 1: I think certain people really know like those like hot buttons, 125 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,000 Speaker 1: like what's going to really like get you going or 126 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:40,560 Speaker 1: make you feel insecure and make you doubt yourself? Um, 127 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,919 Speaker 1: I mean that's very specific to someone who's more manipulative 128 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,160 Speaker 1: and immature. But I think I think there needs to 129 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,480 Speaker 1: be accountability on both ends even if someone does have baggage. 130 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:51,440 Speaker 1: We all have baggage, right, so we can't just like 131 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,960 Speaker 1: justify a behavior because of baggage. Like everyone needs to 132 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,920 Speaker 1: own their ship and hold themselves accountable. And I don't 133 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:02,360 Speaker 1: think it's ever one person in UM. Typically in relationships, 134 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:06,520 Speaker 1: you can't just pinpoint everything on one person. No, I 135 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,880 Speaker 1: think a scary part about owning your stuff would be 136 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:12,560 Speaker 1: if you were in a relationship with someone manipulative or 137 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:16,080 Speaker 1: emotionally immature, and then it's being used against you. Like 138 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,360 Speaker 1: I I'm very open obviously, Like I have a podcast 139 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,640 Speaker 1: to talk about what's even happening to random strangers, Like 140 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,320 Speaker 1: I'm pretty open about what is going on in my life, 141 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,239 Speaker 1: and so that translates into how I am in relationships too, 142 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,040 Speaker 1: And UM, I have done a lot of work and 143 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,119 Speaker 1: so I'm pretty aware of a lot of the stuff 144 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,080 Speaker 1: that I bring UM and I talked about this pretty openly. 145 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 1: But I had a really bad breakup where I was 146 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,760 Speaker 1: engaged and had realized three months before the wedding that 147 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:45,200 Speaker 1: I got cheated on the entire relationship. And so yeah, 148 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 1: that did really affect my trust issues, and I've done 149 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,520 Speaker 1: a lot of work around that, and so although triggers 150 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,560 Speaker 1: may still come up, I have found that I am 151 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:57,000 Speaker 1: able to trust again when I'm gonna say relationship or 152 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 1: space or anything like that. I've also been in situations 153 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:04,400 Speaker 1: where that has been used against me to justify bad behavior. 154 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,440 Speaker 1: Like we're saying and it's like what you're saying, where 155 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:08,120 Speaker 1: you just start to get to the place where you're like, 156 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,720 Speaker 1: oh god, yeah, I do have these stress issues, so 157 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:14,720 Speaker 1: you start second guessing yourself, right yeah, or and those 158 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,160 Speaker 1: become overemphasized, like so you you know, we again, we 159 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,520 Speaker 1: all have baggage. But if we're just harping all the 160 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:22,280 Speaker 1: things that we could do better, it doesn't like we're 161 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:25,360 Speaker 1: not being we're not acknowledging the things that we're doing well, 162 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,640 Speaker 1: you know that we're that we're actually like thriving or 163 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:31,280 Speaker 1: you know, overcoming. And so I think if someone especially 164 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,960 Speaker 1: uses that as like, you know, against you, that's not 165 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,680 Speaker 1: that's not fair because we also have these strengths and 166 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:42,120 Speaker 1: resiliency factors that really go into future relationships and situations, 167 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,679 Speaker 1: you know. So I think if someone's just like harping 168 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,680 Speaker 1: on what went wrong or what you struggle with previously 169 00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:51,319 Speaker 1: without acknowledging even just the resilience. That's very like manipulative 170 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:53,280 Speaker 1: in the sense of like then it's not acknowledging this 171 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:56,800 Speaker 1: person strong and capable, and but it sounds like you've 172 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,559 Speaker 1: done a lot of work, and unfortunately a lot of 173 00:08:58,559 --> 00:09:01,520 Speaker 1: people don't do the work. So then yeah, up in 174 00:09:01,559 --> 00:09:05,280 Speaker 1: these relationships and someone's pointing out all the flaws or 175 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:07,640 Speaker 1: all the things that they've struggled with the past relationships 176 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,719 Speaker 1: that they've openly shared with this other person, and it's 177 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:14,400 Speaker 1: use against them, and there's not always an awareness, especially 178 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 1: if someone hasn't done the inner work, isn't super like, 179 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,679 Speaker 1: doesn't have a strong ego strength that they don't have 180 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:23,120 Speaker 1: a solid sense of self. So it's tough, it's really tough, 181 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:26,120 Speaker 1: and it's it's really hard sometimes, like if you've dated 182 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:29,560 Speaker 1: a lot and then multiple types of situation, ships or 183 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:34,040 Speaker 1: whatever relationships, it's hard to sometimes really know like who 184 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,160 Speaker 1: am I at my core? And you know, what do 185 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,840 Speaker 1: I know from my experiences? Especially there are lots of 186 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,520 Speaker 1: people sharing, you know, giving input and telling what you 187 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:45,400 Speaker 1: did wrong or I don't know cause your judgment does 188 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,000 Speaker 1: let's talk about some tips on how to get through 189 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:52,559 Speaker 1: that kind of thing, because I know what you just 190 00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:56,000 Speaker 1: said about the part about really getting to know myself 191 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 1: that feels like where I am now, and like I 192 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,800 Speaker 1: actually don't think I will accept certain things in the 193 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:05,240 Speaker 1: future because I've realized how much you know. I'm writing 194 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,640 Speaker 1: everything down obviously, so I remember this when you get 195 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,120 Speaker 1: in the like love you places in a relationship, but 196 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,559 Speaker 1: like I've realized some of the things that I really 197 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:16,800 Speaker 1: kind of abandoned myself on in relationships in the past, 198 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:20,680 Speaker 1: and um, that I didn't show up for myself because 199 00:10:20,679 --> 00:10:22,920 Speaker 1: I didn't really know myself and I didn't stay true 200 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,600 Speaker 1: to what you just said about like the work that 201 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:29,000 Speaker 1: I've done or um, the resiliency and all of the 202 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,120 Speaker 1: things like owning that within myself, And so I really 203 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 1: can't expect someone else to do it if I'm not 204 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:36,560 Speaker 1: doing that within myself right well, and if you're not free, 205 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,720 Speaker 1: like if you're not sharing that part of you in 206 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:42,120 Speaker 1: that way, and that's not that that's not and it's 207 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,000 Speaker 1: what I'm trying to say is it's it's not their 208 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,319 Speaker 1: job to like, you know, tell you what you're doing 209 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:50,200 Speaker 1: well or what you're import but I think if you're 210 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:53,240 Speaker 1: just sharing these are all the things I struggle with, 211 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:57,800 Speaker 1: then I think people will take it from that lens, right, 212 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,920 Speaker 1: like do you being insecure versus I need to build 213 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,640 Speaker 1: trust and you know, I need to make sure that 214 00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:06,120 Speaker 1: you can trust me and that we established this foundation 215 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:10,160 Speaker 1: as I don't know, I think it's it's really yeah, 216 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,360 Speaker 1: And I think a lot of people go into dating 217 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:15,440 Speaker 1: without really knowing what they're looking for or really knowing 218 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,080 Speaker 1: you bring to the table, and so then you get 219 00:11:18,559 --> 00:11:21,439 Speaker 1: there's just so much noise because everyone's giving you like 220 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,760 Speaker 1: the people you're dating is giving input. Like I don't know. 221 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:27,319 Speaker 1: I guess the thing is is if you're not aware 222 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,360 Speaker 1: of your strength and who you are at your core, 223 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,520 Speaker 1: then you're just kinda gonna take in all the feedback 224 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,199 Speaker 1: and internalized lots of things that don't need to be internalized. 225 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,240 Speaker 1: I mean the problem with online dating, which you're right, 226 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,199 Speaker 1: like that's where we're that's where we're at, like this 227 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,240 Speaker 1: is going to be the primary Like this is I 228 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:46,160 Speaker 1: don't beyond the pandemic like this was prior to right, 229 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:50,000 Speaker 1: So I think it's just really hard because you can 230 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,960 Speaker 1: interact with so many people all the time, So you're 231 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,440 Speaker 1: gonna get so much feedback positive and negative, whether it's 232 00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:00,520 Speaker 1: someone's interested, whether someone's not interested, whether someone you know, 233 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:04,000 Speaker 1: um it's critical of you or is there super comment 234 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,720 Speaker 1: or you can get so much feedback, So you really 235 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,920 Speaker 1: have to be true to who you are and know 236 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,679 Speaker 1: yourself really well so that you don't take in all 237 00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:14,640 Speaker 1: the noise or internalize everything that comes at you, especially 238 00:12:14,679 --> 00:12:17,199 Speaker 1: online dating, when like you're messaging someone and then they 239 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:20,720 Speaker 1: like ghost you, or someone will just unmatch you, or 240 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:23,160 Speaker 1: the profile will be gone, or you're having like a 241 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,360 Speaker 1: really good conversation with someone and they disappear, And if 242 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,320 Speaker 1: you don't have a solid sense of self, oftentimes it's 243 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:30,280 Speaker 1: internalized and it becomes like what did I do wrong 244 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,960 Speaker 1: versus this person wasn't ready or maybe they were talking 245 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,800 Speaker 1: to other people. But I think if you don't have 246 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,360 Speaker 1: that solid sence itself, it's easy to personalize it and 247 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:43,520 Speaker 1: then it really chips away your self esteem and self worth. Yeah. Yeah, 248 00:12:43,559 --> 00:12:45,800 Speaker 1: I mean I was just sitting here thinking, when you're 249 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:50,320 Speaker 1: talking about you know, the piece of let me just 250 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,440 Speaker 1: reference my friends here who haven't done the dating apps. 251 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,480 Speaker 1: But I've seen the difference between my friends who have 252 00:12:56,559 --> 00:13:00,319 Speaker 1: dated knowing what they want and even if they can't 253 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:04,440 Speaker 1: fully verbalize it all the time I've seen them say 254 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,200 Speaker 1: no and like not be scared to say no. And 255 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,559 Speaker 1: something that I've realized and this is there as the 256 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,120 Speaker 1: people that I've seen have success on dating apps, but 257 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,679 Speaker 1: I've realized something I've done in my life and um, 258 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,680 Speaker 1: I'm trying to really focus on now is I will 259 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,160 Speaker 1: I will have this mentality of like, well, let me 260 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,720 Speaker 1: be open to what the universe brings or is bringing, 261 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,319 Speaker 1: which I think is really important. And I don't want 262 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,480 Speaker 1: to try to control my life so much that I 263 00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:30,439 Speaker 1: can't live it, you know, or I'm missing gifts from 264 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:34,760 Speaker 1: the universe. And I also think that like a person 265 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,600 Speaker 1: who maybe doesn't fit the profile of of of a 266 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:41,600 Speaker 1: person who could um contribute to a relationship that would 267 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:45,280 Speaker 1: work for me or be a partner for me, I'll 268 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,880 Speaker 1: try to say yes because I'm like, oh, they have 269 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,880 Speaker 1: this quality. Maybe I'm just being closed minded. And the 270 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,520 Speaker 1: reality is is I actually am getting to a place 271 00:13:53,559 --> 00:13:55,280 Speaker 1: where I'm like, no, I know what I want. And 272 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:58,120 Speaker 1: something else is that I'm starting to say to myself 273 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:00,640 Speaker 1: and I know it exists, Like I'm not going to 274 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,599 Speaker 1: keep doing the message of yeah, but I don't know 275 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,000 Speaker 1: if that's out there. I don't know if there's a 276 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,720 Speaker 1: guy like that, Like I'm going to start saying the 277 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,080 Speaker 1: positive spin of that is like what I want is 278 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:11,840 Speaker 1: what I want for a reason, that is what the 279 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:15,400 Speaker 1: universe gave me. And so I have to keep, you know, 280 00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:18,520 Speaker 1: focusing on that and being true to myself and knowing 281 00:14:18,559 --> 00:14:22,400 Speaker 1: that that is a possibility in a dating relationship. I 282 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,440 Speaker 1: think what's really hard is when you've had a series 283 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:28,040 Speaker 1: of bad relationships or really bad interactions as you date, 284 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,600 Speaker 1: is that you start to lose faith and you just 285 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:35,440 Speaker 1: that let that person those qualities are really they exist, 286 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:40,640 Speaker 1: and um, you know it's hard because I think it's 287 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,360 Speaker 1: just I mean, it makes sense, like you're looking at 288 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,480 Speaker 1: all the evidence, you know, like, how is it possible? 289 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:46,240 Speaker 1: Like these are all the relationships then, and these are 290 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,880 Speaker 1: all the men I've encountered, for example, and men are women, right, 291 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:53,000 Speaker 1: And so it either exists or it doesn't, especially if 292 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,680 Speaker 1: you're But the thing is is if you really like 293 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,640 Speaker 1: look at your own patterns of how you choose partners 294 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:00,520 Speaker 1: or what you've done in the past, feel kind of 295 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:04,080 Speaker 1: see oh okay, like it's really not about this person 296 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:07,720 Speaker 1: existing or not. It's like maybe not setting boundaries or 297 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,920 Speaker 1: maybe focusing on these qualities that you feel like our important, 298 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:14,560 Speaker 1: like stability, like financial stability, over like you know, commitment, 299 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,480 Speaker 1: things we don't really think about consciously. But I think 300 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,240 Speaker 1: if you look at it, and again, it's not about blame. 301 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 1: It's not being like you deserve those relationships. But you know, 302 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,000 Speaker 1: we often repeat the behaviors of like the caregivers that 303 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 1: we and parents that we watched, you know, growing up 304 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,920 Speaker 1: in their relationships, or even like what we see on TV, 305 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,200 Speaker 1: which is very like that fairy tale situation where there's 306 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:38,800 Speaker 1: like the huge barrier between these two lovers and then 307 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,520 Speaker 1: like they overcome it, you know, in some way. So 308 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,320 Speaker 1: then we have this belief that like what love is 309 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,520 Speaker 1: is two people that are meant to be together, but 310 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:53,840 Speaker 1: there's this huge like yeah yeah, and so people heard 311 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,040 Speaker 1: they internalize it, like I see that all the time, 312 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,640 Speaker 1: and so it's like and then it's like, well, something 313 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,400 Speaker 1: wrong with me or they don't exist versus like, let 314 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:05,800 Speaker 1: me change how I look at relationships and what I'm 315 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,600 Speaker 1: looking for in a partner, and I think you'll see 316 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,960 Speaker 1: some shifts. Yeah, well, So to me, what I heard 317 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,760 Speaker 1: in that was really getting in touch with what your 318 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:17,280 Speaker 1: core values are, because I do think some of the 319 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:18,960 Speaker 1: things we could shift on is, hey, maybe the guy 320 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,400 Speaker 1: doesn't have to be six four and you know, have 321 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:24,520 Speaker 1: a certain job in a certain industry, Like those things 322 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:28,760 Speaker 1: don't necessarily seem very important. Um, and maybe that's the 323 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,720 Speaker 1: thing that you could be like, Okay, maybe I'm being 324 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,680 Speaker 1: a little close minded, but when it comes to core values, 325 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:37,560 Speaker 1: how do we get in touch with our individual core 326 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,840 Speaker 1: values the things that we want in our relationship, and 327 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,720 Speaker 1: then finding someone who's in line with that. So I 328 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,680 Speaker 1: think the first part is, like you said, clarifying your 329 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,800 Speaker 1: own new values, and I don't think people really take 330 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,360 Speaker 1: the time to do that. And oftentimes we assume our 331 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:53,400 Speaker 1: values are that we would just assume that our values 332 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:55,480 Speaker 1: are in line with like maybe our families or our 333 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,120 Speaker 1: cultures or our friends, right, and we don't actually take 334 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:00,920 Speaker 1: the time to like tease out what's ours, what what 335 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,680 Speaker 1: are our own values versus the people around us. I 336 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,440 Speaker 1: think that the first part, right, because you know, I'm 337 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:10,800 Speaker 1: trying to think of something like for example, like, um, 338 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,480 Speaker 1: I don't know, like I think, like I've talked to 339 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,480 Speaker 1: people that are like, you know, I work with a 340 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:17,080 Speaker 1: lot of people that are in the health care and 341 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:21,879 Speaker 1: helping industry. I guess so oftentimes they're very like extremely 342 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:25,359 Speaker 1: liberal and progressive, and I'm and I'm all about those 343 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,640 Speaker 1: values need to somewhat fresh up. I feel like like 344 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:31,880 Speaker 1: those values are super important for long longevity and having 345 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:35,199 Speaker 1: a long term relationship that actually lasts because you need 346 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:38,880 Speaker 1: to share those ability life together ultimately. However, if someone's 347 00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:42,280 Speaker 1: not going to marches like with you, are we writing 348 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,840 Speaker 1: them off? Like, so I've had conversations without my hands 349 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:50,200 Speaker 1: and it's like, okay, is there room for like some flexibility, 350 00:17:50,359 --> 00:17:53,040 Speaker 1: So someone's not going to marches with you? Like, are 351 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:57,400 Speaker 1: we okay with that? Right? Like it is somewhat supportive 352 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,399 Speaker 1: of your like social endeavors, is that okay? Or if 353 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:05,320 Speaker 1: someone is supportive of your career and your you know, 354 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,879 Speaker 1: your involvement in social issues. I'm just thinking as an example, 355 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,879 Speaker 1: because I work as so many social workers, I'm like, 356 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:15,520 Speaker 1: it's not about having like values that are exactly the 357 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,480 Speaker 1: exact same, but also I think it is important that 358 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:21,000 Speaker 1: someone's on a similar page. That's like a very odd one, 359 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,600 Speaker 1: but I think it's this idea of really teasing at 360 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:26,080 Speaker 1: what's important to you and then like really clarifying what 361 00:18:26,119 --> 00:18:29,800 Speaker 1: are non negotiable, So like I think for I mean, 362 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,120 Speaker 1: I also use this example as like I'm a huge 363 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:35,280 Speaker 1: dog person, and if someone wasn't like hated dogs, like 364 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,680 Speaker 1: lifestyle wise, like what what that all looks like for me? 365 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,439 Speaker 1: I mean, that would just be really really difficult. So 366 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,520 Speaker 1: that where I think we're like I think that people 367 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:47,840 Speaker 1: actually might be like, well, that shouldn't be non negotiable. 368 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,800 Speaker 1: But if you are a dog person, you have a 369 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:53,239 Speaker 1: dog or multiple animals, and you just see yourself like 370 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:55,560 Speaker 1: living a life with animals, and this other person is 371 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:58,840 Speaker 1: either allergic or they just hate them. I mean, I 372 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:01,000 Speaker 1: guess allergies could be one thing, but like they just 373 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:04,600 Speaker 1: don't have that same passion and they really don't like animals. 374 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,040 Speaker 1: It's gonna be really tough. So I think it's clarifying 375 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:09,679 Speaker 1: your own values and also being like is this my 376 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,080 Speaker 1: value or that and my parents, Like do I really 377 00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:16,000 Speaker 1: need a man to be like this like epitome of 378 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,879 Speaker 1: masculinity or is that something that was taught to me 379 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:23,080 Speaker 1: through parents or you know, my community or how is socialized? 380 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,040 Speaker 1: And then if you can like acknowledge, okay, Like to me, 381 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,680 Speaker 1: masculinity is this or it can be different, and there's 382 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:34,000 Speaker 1: flex about flexibility, then you're more open to different like 383 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,919 Speaker 1: ideas of what that looks like and your doors will open. 384 00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:39,720 Speaker 1: But I think you've kind of come to that understanding first, 385 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:42,159 Speaker 1: because otherwise, if you're going into situation and someone, like 386 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,399 Speaker 1: if you're dating a guy and he's not what you 387 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:47,520 Speaker 1: believe is masculine, and then you write someone off who's 388 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:51,280 Speaker 1: could be a really good partner, like you're potentially writing 389 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,280 Speaker 1: something you know. So I think it's like clarifying what's 390 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,720 Speaker 1: important to you and then also realizing are these values 391 00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,360 Speaker 1: in line with actually who I am or are they 392 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,960 Speaker 1: something that just kind of was passed passed down to 393 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:05,040 Speaker 1: me or something that I just kind of it became 394 00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:07,720 Speaker 1: ingrained to my head from whatever experience in the past. 395 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:10,720 Speaker 1: So I think it's really just it varies in person 396 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,720 Speaker 1: a person, but I think clarifying that your personalizes is important, 397 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:15,960 Speaker 1: and then also teasing out what's not negotiable, Like you said, 398 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,080 Speaker 1: if they're not six four okay, like what if they 399 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:20,840 Speaker 1: have at all? Like what if they're ready for like 400 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,760 Speaker 1: a committed relationship, what whether what if they have the 401 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,280 Speaker 1: same interests or they want the same in life, and 402 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,880 Speaker 1: then you're like, well they're only five ten. I mean, 403 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:32,280 Speaker 1: that doesn't seem fair, especially if there's other qualities that 404 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,160 Speaker 1: you find attractive and that can, like I guess, complement 405 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:47,320 Speaker 1: your own personality traits, right, well, that is something too, 406 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,240 Speaker 1: if we're just going on physical looks and all of 407 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:53,199 Speaker 1: the exterior like good on paper kind of stuff. Do 408 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:56,240 Speaker 1: you feel like when you're truly in line with someone, 409 00:20:56,359 --> 00:20:59,800 Speaker 1: they become more and more attractive to you. The longer 410 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,840 Speaker 1: you're together, are the more you fall in love or 411 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,040 Speaker 1: anything like that. So it's funny that those things are 412 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:07,919 Speaker 1: such big focuses at the beginning because in reality, the 413 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,600 Speaker 1: further you get in a relationship, if someone truly is 414 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:14,080 Speaker 1: aligned with you, um, they just all that little stuff 415 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,280 Speaker 1: just doesn't matter. It seems like it just goes out 416 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,479 Speaker 1: the window. And I don't know about you, but like 417 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,399 Speaker 1: all the people, at least all my friends that are 418 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:24,040 Speaker 1: in long term relationship, which is most of them, I 419 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,600 Speaker 1: feel like all of them were not like immediately like 420 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,080 Speaker 1: they were there was some attraction, but it wasn't like 421 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,919 Speaker 1: that's my type or this is like saying I pictured 422 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,520 Speaker 1: myself with I don't know one friend who has thought that. 423 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:39,240 Speaker 1: I really don't. And I feel like in my own 424 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:44,120 Speaker 1: even experiences, if I've written someone off because of those 425 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,760 Speaker 1: you know, the physical attributes or those like yeah, what's 426 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,600 Speaker 1: good on paper, I don't know. I just feel like it. 427 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:54,000 Speaker 1: I don't know that only can go so far. It's 428 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,959 Speaker 1: so so superficial, right, So, like I think it's just 429 00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:01,000 Speaker 1: from evidence and even from like watching people in my 430 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,600 Speaker 1: family and their connection. It's not if there have been 431 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,520 Speaker 1: things that have not been perfect, but it's really worked 432 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:09,520 Speaker 1: out because the core values are shared or they have 433 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:14,159 Speaker 1: these personalities that really complement one another. Yeah, one thing 434 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,080 Speaker 1: I've learned from me and I was gonna say too, 435 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,520 Speaker 1: I think that this is such an interesting journey with 436 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,880 Speaker 1: ourselves because you mentioned the masculine thing, and it's like 437 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:26,080 Speaker 1: it is interesting the programming. Like I my dad was 438 00:22:26,119 --> 00:22:29,119 Speaker 1: a football player, and you know, like I have these 439 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:34,240 Speaker 1: built in mentalities about masculinity that I didn't even realize 440 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:37,199 Speaker 1: until recently, like my dad's really tall, Like it's like 441 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:39,160 Speaker 1: stuff like that that I started to be like, oh, 442 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,320 Speaker 1: this is a man and this is what I would 443 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:44,280 Speaker 1: be drawn to. Um, which sounds gross but it's what 444 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:47,200 Speaker 1: we all do subconsciously. It's like our programming to what 445 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:52,280 Speaker 1: we um what we know is masculinity or whatever femininity um. 446 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,000 Speaker 1: But so recently I've been on this journey of kind 447 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:59,920 Speaker 1: of exploring what other kinds of masculine and feminine energy 448 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:02,520 Speaker 1: there are, and it's been so enlightening to me on 449 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:07,040 Speaker 1: what actually is in line for me, like I personally 450 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:10,000 Speaker 1: and one a spiritual journey. I'm a seeker, and like 451 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,840 Speaker 1: you said, the specifics of that might not matter for 452 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,960 Speaker 1: me in a relationship, like if the person is doing 453 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,680 Speaker 1: exactly what I'm doing, but something that I find so 454 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:21,600 Speaker 1: attractive and actually super in line with the masculine energy 455 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,399 Speaker 1: I like, is for that person to be on a 456 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,879 Speaker 1: similar journey, like a seeking spiritual journey, like that is 457 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,640 Speaker 1: just going to be what I need in a relationship, 458 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,960 Speaker 1: and that's become a really big core value for me. 459 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:36,760 Speaker 1: Can you imagine if you're dating someone who's like completely 460 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,080 Speaker 1: like and I don't feel like atheists, but just like 461 00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:42,680 Speaker 1: there's no, there's no, there's no. Yes, I can imagine 462 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,800 Speaker 1: because I've done it, and I think I ended up 463 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,120 Speaker 1: being this person that would just try to teach all 464 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,360 Speaker 1: the time you know, like, but but this is why 465 00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:52,679 Speaker 1: that's happening, or the universe or oh my god, like 466 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:54,479 Speaker 1: the stars are in line on this way this day, 467 00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:56,760 Speaker 1: and they're just like, you're crazy, even if they're just 468 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,720 Speaker 1: a curiosity. We're not saying someone has to be completely spiritual, 469 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,720 Speaker 1: like I think we're to be something completely. The opposite 470 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:05,280 Speaker 1: was like, that's all bullshit. Then I think that's not fair, 471 00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:07,879 Speaker 1: Like if it's I don't it's just not gonna work, 472 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,520 Speaker 1: Like I'm not the right person for them. No, And 473 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,920 Speaker 1: I think I think someone also can be like I 474 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:17,040 Speaker 1: believe that there's no like bigger thing that's bigger than us, 475 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,200 Speaker 1: and also be open minded to their partners. So I 476 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:21,679 Speaker 1: think it's one of the But I think what what 477 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,800 Speaker 1: I'm hearing is that is an unegociable for you. You 478 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,600 Speaker 1: want someone on that journey, which is totally fine, But 479 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:28,720 Speaker 1: then say that wasn't a non negotiable, but you're like, 480 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:30,639 Speaker 1: I need someone to be spiritual, but it wasn't like 481 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:34,240 Speaker 1: as big. If someone was respectful and honored where you 482 00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:38,919 Speaker 1: were at and we're open to conversations, I would encourage that, 483 00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,399 Speaker 1: like a client to be like, okay, let's let's just 484 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,359 Speaker 1: let that like sit with that, like what would that 485 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:45,760 Speaker 1: look and if they have all these other qualities and 486 00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:47,520 Speaker 1: that's the one thing that there may be not like 487 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:51,359 Speaker 1: as excited about. I mean, but it sounds like for you, 488 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:54,040 Speaker 1: that's not it's not that you're right, it is non negotiable, 489 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:57,160 Speaker 1: not just a core value, like yeah, that's I'm glad 490 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,879 Speaker 1: I just had that realization. Thank you, because I think 491 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:03,160 Speaker 1: it person a person like I think, um, I mean, 492 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:06,439 Speaker 1: for the longest time, I really I don't know, I 493 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,639 Speaker 1: was like really interested in the big personalities and partners 494 00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:11,679 Speaker 1: and that was always something I was attracted to. And 495 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,440 Speaker 1: I'm realizing, I mean, it's not negotiable. And honestly, that 496 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:18,639 Speaker 1: has never really complimented my personality. So it's one of 497 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,240 Speaker 1: those things that sometimes you have to big is that 498 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,000 Speaker 1: something I'm just attracted to. Also, my dad's very social, 499 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:26,760 Speaker 1: so it's it is And it's like the whole daddy 500 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:30,000 Speaker 1: issues thing, right, Like it's like trying to demystify that 501 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:31,720 Speaker 1: and just like, Okay, no, it's what we're used to, 502 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:33,760 Speaker 1: what's normal to us, and it can't even be if 503 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,240 Speaker 1: you have a good relationship with that parents very attractive, 504 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:40,120 Speaker 1: but like you're not dating your parents, right, or it's 505 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:43,760 Speaker 1: the dynamic, you know, like that's that's something like we know, 506 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,879 Speaker 1: like if your dad's really social, like you said, like 507 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,679 Speaker 1: you know how to fall in line with that dynamic. 508 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:52,760 Speaker 1: And so it's just what's like the familiarity piece is 509 00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:55,000 Speaker 1: another thing that I've really been bumming up against. And 510 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:58,040 Speaker 1: I'm like, wait, is this actually something that serves me 511 00:25:58,119 --> 00:26:00,520 Speaker 1: in my life or is this just familiar because I've 512 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:04,440 Speaker 1: done it for so long? Exactly? Okay, Well, let's talk 513 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,560 Speaker 1: about I want to know first of all, because you 514 00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:09,320 Speaker 1: see mostly women and obviously most of the people who 515 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,520 Speaker 1: listen to this podcast or women probably in the same 516 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,800 Speaker 1: age range. Um, what are the main things that you 517 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:20,960 Speaker 1: see women bumping up against with dating these days? Well, 518 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:23,520 Speaker 1: and I don't know. I have a couple of things. 519 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,520 Speaker 1: But the one thing I was thinking is I think 520 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,199 Speaker 1: because mostly people, most people are doing it through apps, 521 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:31,000 Speaker 1: is having so many options, and I think that's actually 522 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:34,399 Speaker 1: happened men too, and the kind of feeling like do 523 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:37,560 Speaker 1: I follow through with this one person or like keep dating? 524 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:39,320 Speaker 1: And I'm not saying you can't date multi people at once, 525 00:26:39,359 --> 00:26:42,400 Speaker 1: but I think because we have all these like matches 526 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,399 Speaker 1: at the tip of our fingers. We have all these 527 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:49,000 Speaker 1: potential singles, like at a disposal. I think it's easy 528 00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,880 Speaker 1: to write someone off knowing you have this exponential amount 529 00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:58,119 Speaker 1: of singles like okay in a matter of seconds, and 530 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:01,840 Speaker 1: so I think we lack patients, and I think that's 531 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,520 Speaker 1: the heat that's a huge part in dating. I think 532 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:08,280 Speaker 1: it's like I think, especially because things on apps move 533 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:11,360 Speaker 1: really quickly, so if someone's not moving quickly or if 534 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:14,720 Speaker 1: you're not sure it's a good fit right away, we're 535 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:17,960 Speaker 1: very quick to write people off. And I think just 536 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:21,200 Speaker 1: where our societies that were very fast moving, we want answers. 537 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:25,960 Speaker 1: We hate uncertainty, and so if something's not moving fast enough, 538 00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:27,879 Speaker 1: or like you're like okay, like I kind of be 539 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,840 Speaker 1: interested in this person, but something maybe missing. So I'm 540 00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:33,800 Speaker 1: just gonna ate five more people and see where those go. 541 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,440 Speaker 1: Then then we're distracted sometimes. And I'm not saying you 542 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:39,280 Speaker 1: can't date multiple at once, but I think I think 543 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:42,160 Speaker 1: we're not actually giving someone a fair chance if we're 544 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:45,520 Speaker 1: dating like five people at one time. Right. I was 545 00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:48,119 Speaker 1: just thinking when you said that we like things fast, 546 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,960 Speaker 1: I'm like, and enter COVID, because that is the main 547 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:55,600 Speaker 1: thing that we all got served, right, like, hey, your 548 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,760 Speaker 1: life is gonna be propone pause, and hey it's gonna 549 00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,399 Speaker 1: be on pause for like multiple years, not just like 550 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:03,479 Speaker 1: I thought the pandemic would last a month max, you know. 551 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:06,600 Speaker 1: And yeah, and I think we're still kind of coming 552 00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:09,960 Speaker 1: back from it. And I also think that life as 553 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,560 Speaker 1: we knew it is probably not ever going to exist again, 554 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:15,160 Speaker 1: Like it's like a new thing now. And so part 555 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:17,760 Speaker 1: of that for me and um, the people that I've 556 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:22,119 Speaker 1: talked to you about it has been slowing down really 557 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,760 Speaker 1: being intentional with time, with relationships with all of it, 558 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:29,120 Speaker 1: and making sure it's in line, but also not just 559 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:32,560 Speaker 1: like passing through it so quickly, like what you're saying. 560 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:35,280 Speaker 1: And I can totally see where that's hard. On a 561 00:28:35,359 --> 00:28:39,840 Speaker 1: dating app, it's hard to because like it's I mean, 562 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:42,479 Speaker 1: when it comes down to it, it's a business. And 563 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:45,160 Speaker 1: I think that I think they're you know, they have 564 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:49,560 Speaker 1: to they they have obviously, people have found their partners 565 00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:51,840 Speaker 1: and their life partners through all these this happens all 566 00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:54,360 Speaker 1: the time. But I think ultimately it's a business and 567 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:59,120 Speaker 1: they want you to the apps and like algorithmize, right, 568 00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:03,000 Speaker 1: So I think there are qualities of different apps that 569 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:06,760 Speaker 1: that make dating easier or like more intentional I think, 570 00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:08,600 Speaker 1: and I'm not gonna I don't not like a sponsor 571 00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:10,040 Speaker 1: by any of these, by the way, but like Hinge, 572 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:12,160 Speaker 1: for example, requires you to slow down a little bit 573 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,320 Speaker 1: because you're not swiping, and they have a little bit 574 00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:18,640 Speaker 1: profiles and what you can look for, um coffee meats. 575 00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:21,840 Speaker 1: They able to give you like limited number of matches, 576 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:25,400 Speaker 1: I think because it reduces the swiping. So I think 577 00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:28,000 Speaker 1: there's certain apps that actually serve to slow it down 578 00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:31,560 Speaker 1: graded there's still a business, so but I think it's 579 00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:34,280 Speaker 1: just so easy to kind of just fly through matches 580 00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:37,600 Speaker 1: and and just keep looking and to always feel like 581 00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:40,840 Speaker 1: the grass is always greener, especially if something, especially in 582 00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:43,200 Speaker 1: the beginnings of a new relationship right you don't know 583 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:45,720 Speaker 1: where that person is. We'll never know exactly where someone 584 00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:48,880 Speaker 1: is right away, and there's always the uncertainties. I think 585 00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:50,640 Speaker 1: the thing is is people then want to like jump 586 00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:54,680 Speaker 1: into other situations because they know they can, and it 587 00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:58,280 Speaker 1: just becomes it's like almost like this Camster wheel that 588 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:02,040 Speaker 1: you're doing with dating, where you're just like dating one person, 589 00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:04,400 Speaker 1: unsure about where it's going. So then you jump back 590 00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:06,360 Speaker 1: on the apps and then you're talking to someone else, 591 00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:09,120 Speaker 1: and like it just becomes this vicious cycle. I was 592 00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:11,720 Speaker 1: gonna say it sounds so addictive. It's like any sort 593 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:14,200 Speaker 1: of social media, I guess, but it's like our brains 594 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,640 Speaker 1: seem like they just get wired to that hit then, right. 595 00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:19,400 Speaker 1: And I think that there's a big part of it. 596 00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:21,680 Speaker 1: I think it's people like the flirty I mean, because 597 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,280 Speaker 1: there's parts that are fun and flirty and like someone 598 00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:27,280 Speaker 1: you get excited and then just like and while you're 599 00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:29,680 Speaker 1: talking to someone else, you're interested in this new person. 600 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:32,240 Speaker 1: I think it distracts from like what am I really 601 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:35,239 Speaker 1: looking for because you're more because then it becomes more 602 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:40,240 Speaker 1: about like the flirtation and like the ego hit. Yeah, 603 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:43,120 Speaker 1: so how do we slow things down? And I mean 604 00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:46,520 Speaker 1: maybe something in that even in that piece, would be 605 00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:49,040 Speaker 1: to really get clear on do you are you looking 606 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:51,320 Speaker 1: for a relationship or are you just looking to have 607 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:53,640 Speaker 1: fun and date and maybe be really honest with yourself 608 00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:56,160 Speaker 1: about where you are and what you're looking for. I 609 00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:58,600 Speaker 1: think that's a big part is before you even like 610 00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:01,800 Speaker 1: download the app or like jump on the app, is 611 00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:04,160 Speaker 1: being like, what what do I want from this? If 612 00:31:04,160 --> 00:31:06,760 Speaker 1: you want to tell people that's totally fine. But then 613 00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:09,640 Speaker 1: I think it's being honest with the other people on 614 00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:13,280 Speaker 1: the other side that you're like having fun dating multiple people, 615 00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:14,880 Speaker 1: are talking to old people, not sure you want to 616 00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:17,960 Speaker 1: settle down, and then if you are interest in something serious, 617 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:20,880 Speaker 1: staying true to yourself in that way. I think women 618 00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:24,800 Speaker 1: especially were again like there were socialized to be very 619 00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:27,600 Speaker 1: like um, submissive and docile and to be like, okay, 620 00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:30,200 Speaker 1: like you know, I'm gonna play it cool, like I'm 621 00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:31,960 Speaker 1: not going to tell them I want a relationship if 622 00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:34,200 Speaker 1: they're like just kind of like seeing where things go 623 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:36,040 Speaker 1: and they're more casual about it. So I think that 624 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:39,080 Speaker 1: it's being truthful to yourself and honest with the person 625 00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:40,520 Speaker 1: you're talking to, and you don't have to say I'm 626 00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:43,719 Speaker 1: gonna get married tomorrow. But it's like it's you know, 627 00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:46,400 Speaker 1: ultimately I'm looking for like a connection or a partnership 628 00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:49,400 Speaker 1: where it is because I think that the thing too 629 00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:53,120 Speaker 1: is there's often this need and want to be desired 630 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:56,680 Speaker 1: and liked, and so then we aren't communicating what we 631 00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:59,840 Speaker 1: actually want. And I did that all the time, Like 632 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:01,760 Speaker 1: money is I tried to play it so cool like 633 00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:05,040 Speaker 1: and I wasn't. I'm so introverted, but I like try 634 00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:06,960 Speaker 1: to play like the party girl, like just like yeah, 635 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:10,280 Speaker 1: I'm like totally flow and like it's everything's great and 636 00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:12,800 Speaker 1: I'm like totally cool with like hearing from you once 637 00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:15,160 Speaker 1: a week and like who cares, but like if you're 638 00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:18,520 Speaker 1: a cool girl. Yeah, but it was an authentic and 639 00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:20,440 Speaker 1: I think that came off. And also like I was 640 00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:24,120 Speaker 1: going crazy because I wasn't I was involving myself with 641 00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:27,600 Speaker 1: people that weren't available because but also I wasn't communicating 642 00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:30,280 Speaker 1: like my expectations or really even following through with my 643 00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:34,600 Speaker 1: own expectations, right yeah, right, Like maybe this is a 644 00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:37,800 Speaker 1: blessing that comes with age. And I'm like I said, 645 00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:39,720 Speaker 1: I'm almost forty and so like I don't care. Like 646 00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:42,640 Speaker 1: whenever I started dating again, I feel like I might 647 00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:44,560 Speaker 1: not be I mean I'm not going to say like, oh, 648 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:47,160 Speaker 1: I'm looking for marriage with you, but like if I 649 00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,040 Speaker 1: know I'm looking for marriage or I'm looking for a 650 00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:52,640 Speaker 1: serious relationship, like I'm leading with that, like not here 651 00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:56,080 Speaker 1: to just funk around and whatever, because like such a 652 00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:59,560 Speaker 1: waste of time and energy and the right people will 653 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:04,600 Speaker 1: be receptive to that right might be taken like taken 654 00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:08,320 Speaker 1: back because maybe they're not used to that directness. But 655 00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:11,520 Speaker 1: also then I mean, but if anyone's offended or like 656 00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:13,920 Speaker 1: freaked out by that, that's their own stuff, Like that's 657 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,560 Speaker 1: that's and I think the thing is is sometimes we 658 00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:20,160 Speaker 1: internalize that. So then like typically then it's like a 659 00:33:20,200 --> 00:33:21,920 Speaker 1: lot of them will second guess what they say because 660 00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:24,000 Speaker 1: they're like, oh no, now they're like not as interested. 661 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:25,880 Speaker 1: But I'm like, well, then that wasn't the person for you. 662 00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:28,440 Speaker 1: If you have to like play the game and pretend 663 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:31,360 Speaker 1: you want something before you really are honest about what 664 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:33,720 Speaker 1: you want and are looking for, that's not that's not 665 00:33:33,800 --> 00:33:37,560 Speaker 1: a recipe for it could long term relationship, right, So 666 00:33:37,840 --> 00:33:40,360 Speaker 1: it's starting on the wrong foot if you think it's aged. 667 00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:43,520 Speaker 1: Though I do think like experience teaches you directness and 668 00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:47,760 Speaker 1: communicating what you want. Is is that it can be 669 00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:50,200 Speaker 1: difficult and lead to like people to not be interested, 670 00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:52,480 Speaker 1: especially if someone on the other end is not wanting 671 00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:54,720 Speaker 1: something long term or like that freaking them out because 672 00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:57,040 Speaker 1: of their own maybe avoid an attachment or their own 673 00:33:57,240 --> 00:33:59,840 Speaker 1: like trust issues, or maybe they just don't want to commit, 674 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:01,840 Speaker 1: right like maybe they just want to play in the field, 675 00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:04,920 Speaker 1: which is totally fair, but it's not. I think it's 676 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:08,040 Speaker 1: important not to personalize, and I think that's also difficult 677 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:17,400 Speaker 1: for many people not to do is personalize it. To 678 00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:20,080 Speaker 1: talk through that a little bit, how do we if 679 00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:23,280 Speaker 1: we start getting into dating, um, how do we stand 680 00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:26,680 Speaker 1: in our own self and not get really upset when 681 00:34:26,719 --> 00:34:28,520 Speaker 1: maybe it's not going as well as we want it to. 682 00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:32,160 Speaker 1: I think it's a lot of self talk. I mean, 683 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,399 Speaker 1: I think we're human and we want to be liked. 684 00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:37,360 Speaker 1: Do we want connection? If someone pushes us away or 685 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:40,400 Speaker 1: there's this feeling of rejection, that's really tough. So I 686 00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:43,799 Speaker 1: think it's first and foremost it's like that self compassion peace, 687 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:47,200 Speaker 1: and it's important to just like honor what you're feeling 688 00:34:47,239 --> 00:34:50,880 Speaker 1: and feeling disappointed or feeling unwanted or feeling like rejected. 689 00:34:50,920 --> 00:34:52,960 Speaker 1: I think that's totally fair to feel that way. I 690 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:56,760 Speaker 1: feel like, um like or just so hard on ourselves. 691 00:34:56,800 --> 00:34:58,200 Speaker 1: So I think the first part, and I know it's 692 00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:00,760 Speaker 1: like corny, but really is just like ledging and holding 693 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:05,720 Speaker 1: space for yourself and then also acknowledging that it's not personal. 694 00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:09,120 Speaker 1: There's like especially what's hard is there's gonna be hundreds 695 00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:11,800 Speaker 1: and hundreds and hundreds of people like not just that 696 00:35:11,920 --> 00:35:13,600 Speaker 1: on app but at a bar where we don't know 697 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:16,360 Speaker 1: what their intentions are, what their background is. So I 698 00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:20,000 Speaker 1: think it's important to remember, like all the external factors 699 00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:22,239 Speaker 1: that are played that are in play, that we just 700 00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:25,839 Speaker 1: have no clue what's going on. So it's easier, it's 701 00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:29,680 Speaker 1: you know, we just we just taken the information we have, 702 00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:33,399 Speaker 1: which is like our interaction with this person or like 703 00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:37,040 Speaker 1: our profile that we put up right for example, and 704 00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:39,439 Speaker 1: so then we're just looking at that evidence and then 705 00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:42,200 Speaker 1: usually a lot of the time we're internalizing it. It's like, Okay, 706 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:45,440 Speaker 1: so maybe I did something wrong versus we don't know 707 00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:47,359 Speaker 1: if they got out of relationship, we don't know if 708 00:35:47,360 --> 00:35:50,160 Speaker 1: they're dating someone else already, we don't know if they're 709 00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:52,080 Speaker 1: like I mean, maybe they say that in a relationship 710 00:35:52,239 --> 00:35:54,160 Speaker 1: just because they're trying to say all the right things, 711 00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:56,239 Speaker 1: but maybe they really don't and don't care and it's 712 00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:59,319 Speaker 1: not about us, it's just where they're at. So it's 713 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:02,440 Speaker 1: important to really hold space for those feelings that come 714 00:36:02,520 --> 00:36:05,040 Speaker 1: up with dating and disappointment, because it happens all the time. 715 00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:07,680 Speaker 1: I think we have a really low tolerance for that, 716 00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:09,600 Speaker 1: Like we have a really low tolerance for things not 717 00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:13,680 Speaker 1: working out and for those feelings of rejection and the 718 00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:18,200 Speaker 1: ability I guess to depersonalize, to not not internalize it, 719 00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:20,600 Speaker 1: not say it's about us, and really just actively big 720 00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:22,359 Speaker 1: it wasn't my person, because if you think about it, 721 00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:24,360 Speaker 1: you don't want to force that person to be in 722 00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:27,120 Speaker 1: a relationship with you, someone that's never going to be 723 00:36:27,719 --> 00:36:30,399 Speaker 1: healthy and fulfilling relationship. And so if you're going after 724 00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:33,920 Speaker 1: someone that's not available, I mean, it's not a reflection 725 00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:36,640 Speaker 1: of you, and you deserve someone who wants to be 726 00:36:37,080 --> 00:36:39,359 Speaker 1: with you and wants to have a relationship with you. 727 00:36:39,800 --> 00:36:42,800 Speaker 1: So I think kind of going back like and I 728 00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:45,160 Speaker 1: I think it's kind of that universe like would you 729 00:36:45,239 --> 00:36:47,879 Speaker 1: end up with that I don't know? And that spirituality, 730 00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:50,919 Speaker 1: like will you end up with someone who's like about you? 731 00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:52,719 Speaker 1: Like I think you'd want someone to be a little 732 00:36:52,719 --> 00:36:56,600 Speaker 1: bit more enthusiastic about it. And so having kind of that, 733 00:36:56,840 --> 00:36:58,880 Speaker 1: I don't think we ground ourselves in that enough, right, 734 00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:03,560 Speaker 1: I think men a lot this generalizing, but I do 735 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:05,759 Speaker 1: think we kind of I think it's the need for validation. 736 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:08,759 Speaker 1: It comes from insecurity and low self esteem, but it's like, 737 00:37:08,840 --> 00:37:10,600 Speaker 1: ultimately you want to be with someone who wants to 738 00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:14,520 Speaker 1: be with you, right. Um, my astrologer always says rejection 739 00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:17,600 Speaker 1: as your best protection, and in the moment it might 740 00:37:17,600 --> 00:37:20,000 Speaker 1: not feel that way, but like, ultimately, if the universe 741 00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:22,239 Speaker 1: is taking someone out of your life, they're probably not 742 00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:24,279 Speaker 1: meant to be there. And like you said, we just 743 00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:27,560 Speaker 1: chase or we I think with women a lot of 744 00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:29,719 Speaker 1: times it's the pressure to be in a relationship. We 745 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:32,640 Speaker 1: think we can't be happy on our own or um, 746 00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:35,160 Speaker 1: we're not whole until we're in a relationship, and especially 747 00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:38,920 Speaker 1: as we get older, there's such pressure with having kids, 748 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:41,120 Speaker 1: and you know, there's all these timelines that women get 749 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:44,120 Speaker 1: put on that men don't, and I do think that 750 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:47,080 Speaker 1: that kind of makes us lose our judgment a little 751 00:37:47,080 --> 00:37:50,120 Speaker 1: bit with relationships. Another thought that came up for me 752 00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:52,520 Speaker 1: was the mirroring thing, And like when you're drawing in 753 00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:57,000 Speaker 1: someone and it really like maybe in you internalize what 754 00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,720 Speaker 1: their behavior is doing. It's usually that there's a story 755 00:37:59,719 --> 00:38:02,440 Speaker 1: in your head within you about that because we don't know, 756 00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:04,800 Speaker 1: like you said, why people do what they do or 757 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:06,960 Speaker 1: what their motivation is. And most of the time, I 758 00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:09,799 Speaker 1: think most people are just reacting to whatever they need 759 00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:12,719 Speaker 1: to to inside themselves like it actually has nothing to 760 00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:15,640 Speaker 1: do with you, but um, but what is it bringing 761 00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:18,239 Speaker 1: up for you? Like are you feeling abandoned? Are you 762 00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:20,279 Speaker 1: feeling like, oh, it wasn't pretty enough? And like why 763 00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:21,759 Speaker 1: is that the story in your head? And that would 764 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:24,719 Speaker 1: be like maybe an effective thing to look at doing 765 00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:27,640 Speaker 1: the work. And that's I mean that usually come down 766 00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:31,879 Speaker 1: to like earlier childhood experiences, a relationship with your with 767 00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:36,080 Speaker 1: your caregivers or parents earlier on, and even like you know, 768 00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:39,880 Speaker 1: those relationships you had with peers and um, the romantic 769 00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:43,680 Speaker 1: relationships even in early adolescence that are very formative of 770 00:38:43,719 --> 00:38:46,920 Speaker 1: how we view ourselves in relationships. So I don't think 771 00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:49,040 Speaker 1: people think about that. I think and I used to 772 00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:52,520 Speaker 1: be even you know, as a therapist in person in 773 00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:55,160 Speaker 1: this field for for a while now. I used to 774 00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:57,719 Speaker 1: be so resistant to this idea of like let's go 775 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:02,360 Speaker 1: deeper into like the childhood experience says like Alredian approach. 776 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:04,680 Speaker 1: I think, I mean because just Forredian was a little 777 00:39:04,719 --> 00:39:07,600 Speaker 1: loopy for me, but like I think, I mean it 778 00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:11,120 Speaker 1: was grounded in There's something to be said about that 779 00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:13,960 Speaker 1: idea of like those are the you know, developmentally, what 780 00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:16,560 Speaker 1: are those relationships during our formative years what's going on 781 00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:20,400 Speaker 1: in those relationships, because it does we see ourselves, like 782 00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:25,000 Speaker 1: you like mirrored through the relationship with our parents, our siblings, peers, 783 00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:28,759 Speaker 1: earlier relationships. So I think it's important and I don't 784 00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:32,400 Speaker 1: think like things like bullying, things like, um, like a 785 00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:35,879 Speaker 1: parent that's absent or just not emotionally available. I think 786 00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:39,000 Speaker 1: those things we don't really take into account often because 787 00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:42,520 Speaker 1: we picture, you know, when we think of trauma, we 788 00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:45,719 Speaker 1: think about like insecure attastion that we think of like 789 00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:52,720 Speaker 1: something more extreme like like physical abuse or you know, um, 790 00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:56,279 Speaker 1: I don't know, we think of these very extreme situations 791 00:39:56,520 --> 00:40:00,440 Speaker 1: versus like even these like micro aggressions by like peers 792 00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:03,480 Speaker 1: in middle school, right, Like I've been more open about that. 793 00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:05,839 Speaker 1: I think that impacted me more than I was really 794 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:09,560 Speaker 1: aware of, was being objectified in middle school, having big 795 00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:12,160 Speaker 1: boobs and so like it's just those things like all 796 00:40:12,239 --> 00:40:15,720 Speaker 1: the like slurs and feedback that I got was like, oh, 797 00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:18,160 Speaker 1: like I'm only as good as my body. But I 798 00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:21,919 Speaker 1: didn't think really explore that for the longest time because 799 00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:24,120 Speaker 1: I think I just wanted to be like I was 800 00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:27,560 Speaker 1: twelve or thirteen, like like that was nothing like you know, 801 00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:31,439 Speaker 1: I'm twenty something now, like things things, but those things 802 00:40:31,440 --> 00:40:33,759 Speaker 1: really packed us and our core beliefs about ourselves. So 803 00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:37,000 Speaker 1: I think doing that work is so important, especially as 804 00:40:37,040 --> 00:40:40,680 Speaker 1: you date and then enter a new relationship, because we 805 00:40:40,800 --> 00:40:44,680 Speaker 1: can't hold another person accountable for our own trauma and experiences. 806 00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:50,000 Speaker 1: Say that one again, that one's pretty big. We can't 807 00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:55,600 Speaker 1: hold anyone accountable for our own trauma and experiences. Yes, 808 00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:59,280 Speaker 1: that is huge, And I think that it's so scary 809 00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:01,440 Speaker 1: to me to even think about dating sometimes because I 810 00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:04,200 Speaker 1: realized how many of us are just walking around wounded, 811 00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:07,920 Speaker 1: not even addressing our trauma and all of that stuff. 812 00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:10,120 Speaker 1: And it's there, and it's not, like you said, even 813 00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:12,480 Speaker 1: the things that happened in junior high, like if you 814 00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:15,520 Speaker 1: have this mentality of that happened back then, it doesn't 815 00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:18,120 Speaker 1: affect me like the body keeps the score. It's all there, 816 00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:21,839 Speaker 1: like it is all there, even from before we were 817 00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:24,680 Speaker 1: on this earth, in our mother's womb. And so really 818 00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:28,279 Speaker 1: just like diving into the possibility or looking at the 819 00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:30,359 Speaker 1: effects of the things that have happened to us, even 820 00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:33,440 Speaker 1: if they seem insignificant, it really does keep showing up 821 00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:37,880 Speaker 1: in our relationships unless it's addressed exactly something else that 822 00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:40,520 Speaker 1: just if we're talking about earlier child experiences, like how 823 00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:43,200 Speaker 1: did your parents talk about what it meant to be 824 00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:44,719 Speaker 1: like a woman, or what it meant to be in 825 00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:48,520 Speaker 1: a relationship, or what the significance you know, the significance 826 00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:51,319 Speaker 1: of your physical appearance, like oftentimes and I don't think 827 00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:54,719 Speaker 1: parents always do that, or oftentimes they don't do it intentionally, 828 00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:56,839 Speaker 1: but right if they're like if you had a mom 829 00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:59,839 Speaker 1: that was so fixated on weight in body image and 830 00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:03,000 Speaker 1: being the perfect partner, and you know what I mean, 831 00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:05,560 Speaker 1: we intern even if they don't put it on us 832 00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:07,520 Speaker 1: or tell us we have to do that, we mirror 833 00:42:07,560 --> 00:42:10,359 Speaker 1: that because we see that's important. That was important to them, 834 00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:12,839 Speaker 1: so that should be important to me. So I think too, 835 00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:16,600 Speaker 1: it's like teasing out those messages we receive from our 836 00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:19,360 Speaker 1: family and caregivers. I don't think we really think about 837 00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:22,000 Speaker 1: that enough. And again I think those things are actually 838 00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:26,280 Speaker 1: really telling. Yeah, so when we initially we're talking, you 839 00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:29,799 Speaker 1: um mentioned to me, you know, keep the focus on 840 00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:33,480 Speaker 1: yourself and not if the other person likes you or 841 00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:36,000 Speaker 1: it's okay to be picky. Can you give us a 842 00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:39,279 Speaker 1: couple like big points on that and just going into 843 00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:42,960 Speaker 1: dating with the intention of dating and having fun, but 844 00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:48,719 Speaker 1: also really staying true to yourself. Yeah, I mean so 845 00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:51,719 Speaker 1: being picky. And I bring that up because I think 846 00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:54,600 Speaker 1: for the longest time, because I've been like the single 847 00:42:54,600 --> 00:42:56,759 Speaker 1: one of us, and I started doing a lot of 848 00:42:56,760 --> 00:42:59,120 Speaker 1: this work with clients because I came at the other 849 00:42:59,239 --> 00:43:01,080 Speaker 1: end and not saying that means I'm like married and 850 00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,359 Speaker 1: it's like a relationship right now. But I think I 851 00:43:03,440 --> 00:43:06,960 Speaker 1: was so focused on being liked and wanted in part 852 00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:10,440 Speaker 1: of a relationship and partnership, and I do think there 853 00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:13,560 Speaker 1: was a time where I was seeking validation from other people. However, 854 00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:16,319 Speaker 1: through those experiences, I've learned what I want and what 855 00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:19,040 Speaker 1: I don't want. And I've been in situations with men 856 00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:25,000 Speaker 1: that have been fairly unhealthy or they've been very um, 857 00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:27,919 Speaker 1: they've been very like, I don't know. I think it's 858 00:43:27,920 --> 00:43:33,560 Speaker 1: been very stereotypical, misogynistic type system. So I think I 859 00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:36,560 Speaker 1: am very specific as to what I want and have 860 00:43:36,880 --> 00:43:39,680 Speaker 1: learned that if I don't put that out there, I'm 861 00:43:39,719 --> 00:43:42,960 Speaker 1: going to, I mean encounter lots of people that I 862 00:43:43,040 --> 00:43:45,160 Speaker 1: don't want to encounter. And I think the thing is 863 00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:47,560 Speaker 1: is I also think getting feedback is the only like 864 00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:50,440 Speaker 1: single person amongst a lot of my friends was that, like, 865 00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:53,960 Speaker 1: there's something wrong with being picky, but like I, I 866 00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:56,360 Speaker 1: don't think it's worth settling. I don't think so. And 867 00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:58,920 Speaker 1: I'm noticing now people that got married in the early 868 00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:02,920 Speaker 1: mid twenties, and I'm not wish divorce or separation on anyone. 869 00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:05,680 Speaker 1: You don't know who you are, then you're not you're 870 00:44:05,719 --> 00:44:08,400 Speaker 1: not thinking in terms of like being picky and having 871 00:44:08,400 --> 00:44:11,560 Speaker 1: these high standards and expectations for a partner in a relationship. 872 00:44:11,680 --> 00:44:14,920 Speaker 1: So I think the success that comes in a relationship 873 00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:16,600 Speaker 1: is when you really do know what you want, what 874 00:44:16,680 --> 00:44:20,400 Speaker 1: you deserve. And again it doesn't make things like super 875 00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:22,560 Speaker 1: easy all the time, but at least you're in a 876 00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:25,560 Speaker 1: relationship that's fulfilling typically and makes you feel good versus 877 00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:28,920 Speaker 1: feel bad. So I think just being picky really meaning 878 00:44:29,040 --> 00:44:30,920 Speaker 1: like kind of what we talked about, the non negotiables 879 00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,320 Speaker 1: and really sticking with that. I think sometimes too, with age, 880 00:44:33,320 --> 00:44:36,800 Speaker 1: like you said, the expectations developmentally of having kids, starting 881 00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:40,080 Speaker 1: a family, or just this like idea of the spinster 882 00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:42,799 Speaker 1: that you know women automatically become when they hit a 883 00:44:42,800 --> 00:44:46,200 Speaker 1: certain age, which is bullshit. Is then we seek until 884 00:44:46,320 --> 00:44:47,960 Speaker 1: we kind of like are like, Okay, maybe I do 885 00:44:48,040 --> 00:44:50,040 Speaker 1: need to be less picky, or maybe there's something I'm 886 00:44:50,080 --> 00:44:52,560 Speaker 1: like I should, you know, I should just maybe settle, 887 00:44:52,680 --> 00:44:54,399 Speaker 1: like maybe this is as good as it's going to get. 888 00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:56,600 Speaker 1: But I mean I always ask you, what would you 889 00:44:56,680 --> 00:45:00,560 Speaker 1: rather be like on your own and relative way, happy 890 00:45:00,560 --> 00:45:02,840 Speaker 1: and content with where your life is, or would you 891 00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:08,960 Speaker 1: rather be in like a really mediocre and unfulfilling relationship 892 00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:13,279 Speaker 1: for the rest of your life or really unhealthy relationship 893 00:45:13,320 --> 00:45:15,319 Speaker 1: And almost everyone's like, no, I'd rather be on my own. 894 00:45:15,560 --> 00:45:17,960 Speaker 1: Of course. The thing is too is I don't think 895 00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:20,120 Speaker 1: if you make a life that you like for yourself 896 00:45:20,200 --> 00:45:23,480 Speaker 1: and that you find fulfilling as an individual like you're 897 00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:27,200 Speaker 1: you don't have personal goals, you don't have like a 898 00:45:27,320 --> 00:45:31,319 Speaker 1: really strong sense of like self and commitment to your 899 00:45:31,320 --> 00:45:33,920 Speaker 1: own values, I think you will settle because you're looking 900 00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:36,799 Speaker 1: for that in another person. So I think the key 901 00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:39,400 Speaker 1: is is really developing that solid sense of self, having 902 00:45:39,520 --> 00:45:43,000 Speaker 1: an understanding where you're at, so that single or not, 903 00:45:43,280 --> 00:45:45,560 Speaker 1: you're happy with who you are and you won't settle 904 00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:47,600 Speaker 1: because you'll know I have all these other aspects of 905 00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:49,800 Speaker 1: my life that I really like and love about myself. 906 00:45:50,480 --> 00:45:58,839 Speaker 1: That is so true. That is so true because I 907 00:45:58,920 --> 00:46:01,160 Speaker 1: definitely feel like the times in my life where I've 908 00:46:01,160 --> 00:46:04,160 Speaker 1: maybe stayed too long in relationships that weren't working for me, 909 00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:08,440 Speaker 1: my personal life maybe wasn't exactly where I wanted it 910 00:46:08,480 --> 00:46:10,279 Speaker 1: to because I didn't feel like I was walking back 911 00:46:10,280 --> 00:46:13,440 Speaker 1: into something I loved. And then the times where I'm like, 912 00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:16,440 Speaker 1: now this relationship is not serving me have been the 913 00:46:16,480 --> 00:46:18,719 Speaker 1: times where I'm very in line with what's happening in 914 00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:20,920 Speaker 1: my life and I love my life, and so like, 915 00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:23,920 Speaker 1: I'm not going to settle for some bullshit or some 916 00:46:24,040 --> 00:46:27,399 Speaker 1: half ass relationship because I don't need it and it's 917 00:46:27,440 --> 00:46:29,839 Speaker 1: taking away. Right. So if you have this life, creat 918 00:46:29,880 --> 00:46:32,120 Speaker 1: it for yourself and this is just adding more stress 919 00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:35,440 Speaker 1: and you have to give, give, give, give, gives, it's 920 00:46:35,560 --> 00:46:38,080 Speaker 1: like then you'll know, Okay, this is sucking the life. 921 00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:41,520 Speaker 1: Versus that you are not happy, you don't know what 922 00:46:41,600 --> 00:46:44,560 Speaker 1: you want, you really don't have anything you're grounded too 923 00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:47,959 Speaker 1: as far as values or beliefs. I think it's easy 924 00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:51,239 Speaker 1: to fall into these relationships where that's almost decided for you, 925 00:46:51,680 --> 00:46:54,920 Speaker 1: but it's not fulfilling because it's not connected with what 926 00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:57,920 Speaker 1: you want. So I know that's like very vague, but 927 00:46:57,960 --> 00:46:59,759 Speaker 1: I think it's like every individual is different with what 928 00:46:59,800 --> 00:47:01,839 Speaker 1: they what's important to them, and what their values are. 929 00:47:01,880 --> 00:47:03,920 Speaker 1: So it's like we can't tell people like this, this 930 00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:05,520 Speaker 1: is what you should look for. It really has to 931 00:47:05,560 --> 00:47:09,960 Speaker 1: come down to what you want and what's important to you. Yeah, well, 932 00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:12,239 Speaker 1: let's finish off with I mean, because I know we've 933 00:47:12,239 --> 00:47:14,240 Speaker 1: given a lot of tips on maybe how to date 934 00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:17,760 Speaker 1: and there. I think dating is something that's really important 935 00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:20,200 Speaker 1: to most people. But how do we not let this 936 00:47:20,360 --> 00:47:23,000 Speaker 1: just control our lives? Like how does this not become 937 00:47:23,040 --> 00:47:25,680 Speaker 1: the only focus in our life is finding a relationship? 938 00:47:25,840 --> 00:47:28,880 Speaker 1: Or my life isn't complete without a relationship, you know, 939 00:47:28,920 --> 00:47:31,600 Speaker 1: Like how do we just get into this place of 940 00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:35,279 Speaker 1: having a real balance with dating versus living our own lives? Well, 941 00:47:35,320 --> 00:47:37,279 Speaker 1: and that's the thing I think is so I'm glad 942 00:47:37,320 --> 00:47:39,880 Speaker 1: you said that because I think it's so easy. I 943 00:47:39,920 --> 00:47:42,040 Speaker 1: think it is a social media piece and the addiction 944 00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:45,000 Speaker 1: of being on app and speaking that like the instant 945 00:47:45,040 --> 00:47:48,680 Speaker 1: gratification that we then spend lots of time on apps 946 00:47:48,800 --> 00:47:51,680 Speaker 1: or doing things related to dating and neglecting other areas 947 00:47:51,680 --> 00:47:53,479 Speaker 1: of our life and then we're just burned out because 948 00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:56,440 Speaker 1: we're not meeting people that we truly connect with, and 949 00:47:56,440 --> 00:47:58,720 Speaker 1: then we're not neglecting all the things that are important 950 00:47:58,719 --> 00:48:02,759 Speaker 1: to us. So I do think setting limits on how 951 00:48:02,840 --> 00:48:04,880 Speaker 1: much you're dating or how much time he's them in 952 00:48:04,920 --> 00:48:07,120 Speaker 1: the app is super important. So I always hope you 953 00:48:07,840 --> 00:48:10,040 Speaker 1: and like if you're just swiping and not even like 954 00:48:10,360 --> 00:48:13,080 Speaker 1: spend thirty minutes tops on and app like, don't spend them. 955 00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:15,240 Speaker 1: And you can set the screen time for most phones 956 00:48:15,320 --> 00:48:18,200 Speaker 1: on how long you're on certain ap so like cognizant 957 00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:20,520 Speaker 1: of that to be really intentional with how much time 958 00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:23,080 Speaker 1: you're spending on the apps. And then I think it's 959 00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:26,279 Speaker 1: it's that question. You might have to ask yourself this 960 00:48:26,520 --> 00:48:29,839 Speaker 1: multiple times. But I always tell clients is like, if 961 00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:32,279 Speaker 1: we were to take dating out of the picture, or 962 00:48:32,400 --> 00:48:33,920 Speaker 1: you know, the need to be in a relationship or 963 00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:35,920 Speaker 1: what desire not need, want to be in a religion 964 00:48:35,960 --> 00:48:38,040 Speaker 1: out of the picture, Like are you content with your life? 965 00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:41,480 Speaker 1: And if the answer is yes, and I think you're 966 00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:43,480 Speaker 1: on a good path and you're living life inland with 967 00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:46,040 Speaker 1: your values and you are doing things that are important 968 00:48:46,080 --> 00:48:47,640 Speaker 1: to you at kind of dating and your life is 969 00:48:47,680 --> 00:48:50,480 Speaker 1: full if it's no. It's like, Okay, how what are 970 00:48:50,480 --> 00:48:52,080 Speaker 1: the things we can do to focus on building the 971 00:48:52,160 --> 00:48:55,320 Speaker 1: life you want? Because if you're so consumed by dating 972 00:48:55,320 --> 00:49:00,080 Speaker 1: and neglecting those things, like you're essentially you know, you're 973 00:49:00,840 --> 00:49:04,480 Speaker 1: you're denying your self happiness for the sake of a relationship. 974 00:49:04,719 --> 00:49:06,680 Speaker 1: And it's easier so than done. But I think it's 975 00:49:06,719 --> 00:49:09,919 Speaker 1: focusing on Am I still like exercising if that's something 976 00:49:09,960 --> 00:49:12,239 Speaker 1: I really like to do that's important to me. Am 977 00:49:12,239 --> 00:49:15,640 Speaker 1: I still spending time with friends? Am I like, you know, 978 00:49:16,600 --> 00:49:18,960 Speaker 1: doing the things like pursuing my personal goals that I 979 00:49:19,040 --> 00:49:22,000 Speaker 1: was pursuing prior to dating or being in a new relationship. 980 00:49:23,120 --> 00:49:25,560 Speaker 1: I would drop everything in my twenties for a person, 981 00:49:25,719 --> 00:49:28,160 Speaker 1: Like I just stopped. You know, I love fitness, but 982 00:49:28,160 --> 00:49:30,239 Speaker 1: i'd like exercising all that I would be you know, 983 00:49:30,280 --> 00:49:32,960 Speaker 1: that's just something that helps me. But I wouldn't be exercising. 984 00:49:33,040 --> 00:49:35,200 Speaker 1: I'd be like waiting for a phone call. I'd cancel 985 00:49:35,239 --> 00:49:38,240 Speaker 1: plans with friends. Like if you're doing things, you're pausing 986 00:49:38,239 --> 00:49:40,960 Speaker 1: your life for someone else, And even if you end 987 00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:43,520 Speaker 1: up with this person, you still need your own self, 988 00:49:43,719 --> 00:49:47,920 Speaker 1: sense of self and autonomy. So either way, that's so 989 00:49:47,960 --> 00:49:51,000 Speaker 1: important for your mental health and while being like in 990 00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:52,880 Speaker 1: the process of finding someone or even while you're in 991 00:49:52,880 --> 00:49:57,040 Speaker 1: a relationship with someone. Yes, I totally agree, and that's 992 00:49:57,080 --> 00:49:59,800 Speaker 1: a balance that I'm going to be seeking for the 993 00:49:59,800 --> 00:50:02,879 Speaker 1: the new the new me, the new me. Um so Lea, 994 00:50:02,960 --> 00:50:04,920 Speaker 1: tell everyone where they find you, they can find you. 995 00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:06,880 Speaker 1: I know, I love following you on Instagram because you 996 00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:10,600 Speaker 1: give all of these different quotes or tips and it's 997 00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:13,240 Speaker 1: mostly around dating, but it's also about your relationship with yourself, 998 00:50:13,280 --> 00:50:15,120 Speaker 1: so it's really important. So tell the people where they 999 00:50:15,120 --> 00:50:17,480 Speaker 1: can find you. Yeah, you can find me on Instagram 1000 00:50:17,480 --> 00:50:19,719 Speaker 1: at your Modern Therapists. And I actually link all my 1001 00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:21,920 Speaker 1: articles that I have on side Culture Today, which is 1002 00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:25,640 Speaker 1: a lot about dating, attachment and like self image. So 1003 00:50:26,360 --> 00:50:28,680 Speaker 1: those are really helpful I find to doing the inner 1004 00:50:28,719 --> 00:50:32,359 Speaker 1: work as you date. Yes, I'm gonna be reading those 1005 00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:35,399 Speaker 1: as I start to dating again. Thank you so much 1006 00:50:35,440 --> 00:50:38,680 Speaker 1: for being here and for um talking us through dating. 1007 00:50:38,719 --> 00:50:40,239 Speaker 1: I think it can be fun and exciting and it 1008 00:50:40,280 --> 00:50:42,279 Speaker 1: can be scary, so you know, it's like we all 1009 00:50:42,280 --> 00:50:45,239 Speaker 1: gotta stick together. It can be both. Yes, all right, Well, 1010 00:50:45,239 --> 00:50:47,320 Speaker 1: thank you so much, Leah, and thank you guys for listening. 1011 00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:50,960 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson, 1012 00:50:51,160 --> 00:50:53,640 Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little velvet and a 1013 00:50:53,680 --> 00:50:57,800 Speaker 1: little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty 1014 00:50:57,880 --> 00:51:01,520 Speaker 1: and relationships. Search velvets Ch wherever you get your podcasts 1015 00:51:04,840 --> 00:51:05,239 Speaker 1: m HM