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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the

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Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through

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Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and

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Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back

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Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is

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Speaker 1: so great to have you here, back for another episode

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Speaker 1: as we, of course break down the psychology of our twenties. Guys,

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Speaker 1: today we're doing our old school I'm not in the studio,

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Speaker 1: I'm in my bedroom. You may even hear some like

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Speaker 1: birds tweeting in the background throughout this episode. But yeah,

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Speaker 1: I had this idea for this episode the other day.

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Speaker 1: I've been really thinking a lot about what gets us

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Speaker 1: stuck in our twenties, how to get out of it,

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Speaker 1: and I thought, I'm just gonna record it. I'm just

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Speaker 1: gonna go back to how we used to do episodes

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Speaker 1: and do a little bonus episode for you guys this

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Speaker 1: weekend in my bedroom under the covers, into the mic.

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Speaker 1: That is exactly what we're doing. And like I said, today,

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Speaker 1: we're talking about stuckness, why it is that we get

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Speaker 1: so stuck in our twenties and kind of the five

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Speaker 1: simple ways I've been thinking about a lot that we

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Speaker 1: can get out of it. There are definitely, I think

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Speaker 1: very few feelings as frustrating as knowing you are not

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Speaker 1: happy with your life, feeling restricted, feeling pessimistic, feeling hopeless,

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Speaker 1: and at the same time having no clue how to

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Speaker 1: change it, having no clue like what is even going on?

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Speaker 1: What step in what direction do I take first? It

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Speaker 1: is like claustrophobic is the best word I could use

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Speaker 1: for it. And honestly, I think the longer you wait,

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Speaker 1: the more entrenched in this situation you can become. And

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Speaker 1: it's not to say you won't ever get out of

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Speaker 1: this situation, but I just think the more you begin

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Speaker 1: to internalize this state as permanent, the more you begin

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Speaker 1: to believe that this is just how my life is.

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Speaker 1: And the harder it does become to change, the more

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Speaker 1: this becomes a permanent part of your belief system. It's

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Speaker 1: very easy to see why we feel this way, why

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Speaker 1: we think that life is never going to be different,

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Speaker 1: And I have to tell you that's false. It's false.

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Speaker 1: Like you have the capacity to change your life, You

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Speaker 1: have the ability to get yourself unstuck. And there are

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Speaker 1: some really simple things that you could do literally today

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Speaker 1: tomorrow if you're a bit busy today, that there's so

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Speaker 1: much easier than you think that are going to break

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Speaker 1: the loop that you are in. I also want to

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Speaker 1: say it is totally normal to feel stuck in your twenties.

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Speaker 1: As hard as this feels on an individual level, and

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Speaker 1: believe me, like I know, it's not a rare thing.

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Speaker 1: I think during this decade, so much is going on

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Speaker 1: all at once, but also at the same time, so

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Speaker 1: much is not happening that we wish could be happening,

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Speaker 1: and this creates this parallel feeling that, like everybody else's

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Speaker 1: lives are moving forward, everybody else is getting their shit together,

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Speaker 1: we should know so much more about what we want

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Speaker 1: to do and where we're going, and yet you know,

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Speaker 1: it's not happening for us. The only things that we're

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Speaker 1: overwhelmed by are things that aren't things like are things

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Speaker 1: that don't make us happy, and that's really where this

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Speaker 1: stuck feeling comes from. Definitely circumstances contribute to this. Money, relationships, jobs,

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Speaker 1: cities can make us feel stuck, But a hard truth

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Speaker 1: is that sometimes what really gets us into this rut

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Speaker 1: more than physical barriers, or alongside physical barriers, is waiting

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Speaker 1: for life to change our circumstances, for us feeling incapable

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Speaker 1: of making the decisions that we know we need to make,

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Speaker 1: maybe because we just don't trust ourselves anymore, maybe because

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Speaker 1: we've been so caught up in like boredom and our

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Speaker 1: routine and how life has been that it feels impossible

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Speaker 1: to disrupt what just feels like the status quo. So

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Speaker 1: that is what a lot of our tips are going

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Speaker 1: to focus on today, breaking this status quo kind of negativity,

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Speaker 1: same old, same old loop, so that you are allowed

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Speaker 1: to expand in a new direction. This is by no

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Speaker 1: means a fully comprehensive list. As I said, I'm just

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Speaker 1: on my mic in my bedroom. This is just like

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Speaker 1: a fun episode I just had to make. But I

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Speaker 1: do think that these things will really really help, and

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Speaker 1: I do think that they offer a challenge for you

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Speaker 1: and your mind and your psychology that will prove to

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Speaker 1: really shift things for you in time. Let's start with

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Speaker 1: my first thing. If you are feeling stuck right now,

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Speaker 1: the first thing I need you to do is to

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Speaker 1: map out the problem, map out the ideal future, and

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Speaker 1: map out what you see to be the solutions. There

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Speaker 1: is a very specific way that I do this. I'm

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Speaker 1: a very visual person, and when I feel a roadblock

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Speaker 1: in my life, especially one that's kind of been sitting

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Speaker 1: there for like a couple of weeks, a couple of months,

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Speaker 1: couple of years, this is the first thing I do.

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Speaker 1: I get a massive art book or a massive a

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Speaker 1: three piece of paper. I've even done it on like

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Speaker 1: a poster board, Like do you know when you were

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Speaker 1: a kid and you have to make a poster on

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Speaker 1: like tadpoles or something, or how lemons can turn into energy?

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Speaker 1: I don't know, And you'd get those massive post boards

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Speaker 1: from like the from the arts and craft store. Get

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Speaker 1: one of those. Divide it into three columns. The first

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Speaker 1: column what I don't like about my life right now?

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Speaker 1: A big list bullet points. You can draw it if

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Speaker 1: you want. But what do you not like about your

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Speaker 1: life right now? Specifically? Then you're going to go to

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Speaker 1: the third column. You're going to skip the middle column

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Speaker 1: for now. What do you want your life to be

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Speaker 1: if all your dreams came true, if all of the

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Speaker 1: roadblocks were removed in six months, three years, whatever timeline

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Speaker 1: you want to give yourself. What does your dream life

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Speaker 1: feel like? Firstly, look like secondly and again specific, what

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Speaker 1: is the job you're working, What is the feeling you

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Speaker 1: feel in your relationships? What does your friendship circle look like?

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Speaker 1: What's the apartment or the house you're living in feel like?

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Speaker 1: What are you doing to nourish yourself? How do you

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Speaker 1: feel about your body? Dream life column? We have that

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Speaker 1: middle column free for a reason. This is the stuff

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Speaker 1: that you genuinely think would make a difference. So basically,

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Speaker 1: what is going to fix it? What is going to

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Speaker 1: take you from column A to column C, not overnight

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Speaker 1: but in time. Basically, brainstorm, Okay, what in my life

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Speaker 1: actually needs changing? And make it visual, make it obvious

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Speaker 1: to you, make it this great, big brainstorm of getting

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Speaker 1: all of the doubt and all of the all of

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Speaker 1: the roadblocks out of your mind and onto the page.

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Speaker 1: The reason I think that this is so valuable is

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Speaker 1: again just that so often what gets us stuck is

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Speaker 1: sitting on a problem in our mind, overthinking it, ruminating

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Speaker 1: on it, thinking that that is finding solutions. The moment

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Speaker 1: that you take all of those thoughts and put them visually,

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Speaker 1: tangibly in front of you, it's so much becomes more clear.

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Speaker 1: I also think that final column, that dream life column,

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Speaker 1: is so important. It's important to create a mental image

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Speaker 1: or to have some kind of focus in your life

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Speaker 1: of what you would actually strive towards. Feeling stuck is

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Speaker 1: one thing, but often we get obsessed over the stuck

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Speaker 1: feeling and not the outcome feeling, like where do we

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Speaker 1: actually want to go? So having a clear visual or

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Speaker 1: i guess it's not verbal, written idea of what it

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Speaker 1: is is so valuable. I also think that it primes

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Speaker 1: your brain not just to focus on the most drastic

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Speaker 1: sides of this story right not just to focus on

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Speaker 1: how bad your life is right now, not just to

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Speaker 1: focus on how much do you want to change it

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Speaker 1: and how all the fantasies for your life, but the

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Speaker 1: middle part, it says, the middle part is just as important.

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Speaker 1: What habits, What strategies do we need to implement to

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Speaker 1: get from column A to column C? And I just

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Speaker 1: think it's like a very simple mind map plan to

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Speaker 1: help you lay out the future, lay out the next

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Speaker 1: few months, Just lay out what's actually going wrong in

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Speaker 1: your life and what you want to change. Okay, tip

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Speaker 1: number two to kind of get you out of this

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Speaker 1: stock state, I need you to do something hard or

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Speaker 1: create a challenge for yourself that you you promised that

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Speaker 1: you will work towards for the next six months. It

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Speaker 1: can be whatever you want. It can be a creative challenge,

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Speaker 1: it can be a physical challenge. It can be a

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Speaker 1: rejection challenge of like, for the next six months, I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna get rejected like five times every single week and

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Speaker 1: knows and Noah is just as good as a yes

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Speaker 1: for me in building my tolerance for rejection. Just any

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Speaker 1: kind of challenge that's like getting you out of your

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Speaker 1: comfort zone, that's giving you something to think about, to

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Speaker 1: work towards, maybe to even obsess over, to concentrate energy

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Speaker 1: into other than just what's going wrong. Feeling stuck, I

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Speaker 1: think is sometimes just that right, simply not having any

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Speaker 1: forward movement in your life. I think that's genuinely the

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Speaker 1: definition of stuck. No forward movement, so you cannot get

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Speaker 1: out of this stuck state, Like there is no magic pill,

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Speaker 1: there is no fast forward button. At some point, you're

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Speaker 1: going to have to do hard work and be uncomfortable

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Speaker 1: and make hard decisions. If the first way you do

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Speaker 1: that is something that you voluntarily choose. If the first

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Speaker 1: way you do that is something that you're like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to do, Like I'm excited by this challenge.

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Speaker 1: I think that's going to increase your tolerance for future

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Speaker 1: discomfort that just comes with having a life that is

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Speaker 1: big and a life that you life that you want.

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Speaker 1: There is this amazing paper called the Case for Friction,

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Speaker 1: and it discusses how the most important thing that challenging

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Speaker 1: ourselves does, or setting a six month challenge does, is

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Speaker 1: teach our brain to start craving delayed gratification over immediate gratification.

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Speaker 1: And this basically means that in the long term, our

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Speaker 1: motivational systems begin to shift from chasing quick dopamine hits

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Speaker 1: to valuing effort, patience, strategy, consistency, and long term reward.

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Speaker 1: That is the momentum we need. Nobody gets anywhere in life.

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Speaker 1: Nobody gets out of a stuck state by just doing

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Speaker 1: what they are used to doing. We get out of

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Speaker 1: a stuck state by getting hooked on bigger dreams and

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Speaker 1: more sustained, larger personal reward rather than just like the

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Speaker 1: instantaneous reward of comfort that can actually be quite constrictive

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Speaker 1: of routine that's actually not serving us or even we

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Speaker 1: get stuck because we imagine all the things that we

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Speaker 1: like to do, like in that first exercise, not realizing

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Speaker 1: that fantasizing and thinking about the future in this romantic

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Speaker 1: way is a way we get dopamine. Like imagining a

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Speaker 1: future that you really want is a dopamine hit in itself,

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Speaker 1: and we can get very obsessed and very hooked on

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Speaker 1: on that kind of source and that kind of input

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Speaker 1: of good feelings from simply fantasizing and imagining. We need

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Speaker 1: to convert that. We need to take those good feelings

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Speaker 1: and turn them into action, turn it into forward movement,

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Speaker 1: to turn it into progress. And I thought that sounds

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Speaker 1: like so many like cliche buzzwords, but essentially, to rephrase

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Speaker 1: it again, pick a six month challenge. Say I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: work at this for six months. If at the end

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Speaker 1: of six months nothing's come of it, that's fine. The

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Speaker 1: only purpose, the only thing it does, is to shock

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Speaker 1: you out of chasing short term validation or short term

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Speaker 1: dopamine or short term reward and shift your mind into

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Speaker 1: seeing the value of chasing long term reward, things that

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Speaker 1: don't come easily that make your life better regardless. My

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Speaker 1: next tip, I think is probably one of the most

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Speaker 1: important and one that I very rarely see people talk about.

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Speaker 1: Stop asking everybody else for advice if you are stuck

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Speaker 1: right now. Everybody else's opinions are not as helpful as

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Speaker 1: you think they are, because these people either care too

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Speaker 1: much or really don't care at all to give you

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Speaker 1: good advice. Either they care so much about you that

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Speaker 1: they are imagining a life that they want for you

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Speaker 1: that matches their idea of what success looks like, or

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Speaker 1: matches their idea of what security looks like. That is

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Speaker 1: never going to make you happy, and they're going to

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Speaker 1: start enforcing that on you. I'm like specifically thinking about

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Speaker 1: just like, yeah, and you should totally do that. You

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Speaker 1: don't really like they might care about you. They might

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Speaker 1: be your friend, they might even be your partner, but like,

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Speaker 1: either they're just going to agree with you, or they're

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Speaker 1: just going to be like not genuinely thinking about whether

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Speaker 1: that makes strategic sense for you. You know what you

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Speaker 1: want to do that, you do know right, you know

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Speaker 1: what your dream is, you know what your next step is.

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Speaker 1: Constantly asking what others think is just a way of

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Speaker 1: avoiding that because that dream feels a little bit too big,

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Speaker 1: And it's just a way of avoiding it because, like

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Speaker 1: you know, it's gonna take hard work. You know, it's

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Speaker 1: probably gonna mean you lose things, You're gonna be exhausted.

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Speaker 1: But the more you ask other people for their input,

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Speaker 1: the more detached you come from that gut instinct and

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Speaker 1: that intuition that is screaming at you, yelling at you,

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Speaker 1: saying this needs to change, and this is how we're

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Speaker 1: gonna do it. Because I think we all have that

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Speaker 1: gut instinct. I just think if you're feeling stuck right now,

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Speaker 1: you actually don't need more input. You need need more

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Speaker 1: internal clarity, and that really only comes from sitting deeply

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Speaker 1: with yourself, reflecting deeply within yourself, and then just taking

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Speaker 1: any kind of action, whether or not other people approve

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Speaker 1: of it or not. In a very similar vein, getting

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Speaker 1: unstuck means you have to spend less time online. It

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Speaker 1: means you have to get off social media. I cannot

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Speaker 1: express this enough, Like I deeply I wish I had

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Speaker 1: more more of a vocab to explain to you how

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Speaker 1: much social media gets you gets in the way of

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Speaker 1: you figuring out your life again because you are so

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Speaker 1: bombarded by a million different examples of how everybody else

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Speaker 1: is living their lives, and all those different examples are

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Speaker 1: giving you a different blueprint that is confusing you every

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Speaker 1: single day, Like you long in, who logs it anymore?

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Speaker 1: Every single day that you just open your phone and

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Speaker 1: you scroll, It's like, this is how I change my life.

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Speaker 1: I walked ten thousand steps a day, I did this

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Speaker 1: and this and this. The next person is like, this

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Speaker 1: is how I changed my life. I actually stopped exercising

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Speaker 1: altogether and only focused on this. This is how I

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Speaker 1: changed my life. I started doing this crazy diet or

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Speaker 1: this crazy routine or this crazy journal exercise, or I

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Speaker 1: quit my job or I went travel. It's you could

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Speaker 1: genuinely find in one sitting on TikTok or Instagram, fifty

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Speaker 1: different examples of people trying to convince you or sell

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Speaker 1: you a life strategy that has worked for them that

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Speaker 1: probably will not work for you. How can you figure out?

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Speaker 1: Just like that advice point as well, how can you

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Speaker 1: figure out what you want in your life if your

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Speaker 1: thoughts are constantly being interrupted, intercepted, frazzled by what other

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Speaker 1: people are doing. And I do think that's why we

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Speaker 1: get so stuck is because we want the perfect part.

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Speaker 1: We want to know that everything is going to work out,

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Speaker 1: and so we do seek certainty in other people's lives

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Speaker 1: and yeah, in other people's opinions, waiting for the moment

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Speaker 1: when we feel like, Okay, that's the plan that makes sense.

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Speaker 1: This is the exact blueprint of things that I need

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Speaker 1: this person promised it or because it worked for this person.

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Speaker 1: And unfortunately, I think it's just the truth of our

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Speaker 1: twenties and the truth of existing. The only certainty we

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Speaker 1: have is hindsight. Right, nothing is going to be promised

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Speaker 1: to you. Stop searching for like the certified plan for

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Speaker 1: how you're going to fix your life, and just move

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Speaker 1: in a single direction. I also think another reason we

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Speaker 1: get stuck, and why social media gets us stuck, is

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Speaker 1: that it just wastes so many hours of our lives.

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Speaker 1: And that is not a revolutionary statement. I feel like

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Speaker 1: all of us know this, but genuinely imagine how much

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Speaker 1: you could get done with the time you spend on

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Speaker 1: social media were to fill those hours with something that

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Speaker 1: you felt connected to. Personally. A big strategy for me

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Speaker 1: that I've been doing quite a lot recently is I

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Speaker 1: delete social media the moment I step into my door,

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Speaker 1: and I can re download it when I'm out and about,

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Speaker 1: but in my house, in my home, I really try

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Speaker 1: and limit it, or I really try and delete it

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Speaker 1: for extended periods of time, because it's so easy to

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Speaker 1: be sitting around bored, feeling unmotivated, and to get that

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Speaker 1: low level of reward from scrolling and from engaging in

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Speaker 1: other people's lives and it just doesn't help you. And

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Speaker 1: there is so much space in those moments that is

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Speaker 1: available for you to actually be doing something that would

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Speaker 1: be bettering yourself, and to actually be doing something even

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Speaker 1: if it was just planning an adventure or planning a trip,

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Speaker 1: or just engaging with your hobbies that would have help

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Speaker 1: move the dial when it comes to your life. That

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Speaker 1: actually brings me to tip number five. I kind of

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Speaker 1: just mentioned it, but and you know what, this should

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Speaker 1: have been number one, because I feel like this is

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Speaker 1: this really is my favorite. I say this but every

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Speaker 1: single one, but this is a guaranteed way that to

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Speaker 1: get you unstuck, like guaranteed one hundred percent effectiveness rate,

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Speaker 1: go on more adventures, get out and about in the world,

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Speaker 1: shake up your routine, shake up your life, shake up

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Speaker 1: the status quote of what you do every single day.

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Speaker 1: I feel like when we get stuck, we get into

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Speaker 1: this negative loop, right, this negative loop of everything just

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Speaker 1: going around and around and around same thing every single day.

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Speaker 1: And the adventure, the insertion of adventure is the is,

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Speaker 1: the is, the breaker, is the circuit. Breaker, is the

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Speaker 1: thing that says, oh, we're actually not going to keep

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Speaker 1: doing what we've always been doing today great, and your

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Speaker 1: mind grabs onto that, and your mind we know this.

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Speaker 1: Loves novelty, loves newness, loves opportunities for new experiences, and

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Speaker 1: it it deeply and intensely expands how you see the world.

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Speaker 1: It changes your neural networks, It changes your psychology because

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Speaker 1: when you have adventures, and I don't mean like a

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Speaker 1: grand hike Machu Pichu Summit, Mount Everest adventure, I mean

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Speaker 1: like the adventure of going to the next town over

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Speaker 1: and like, I don't know, going on a solo hike

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Speaker 1: by yourself. I mean the adventure of a casual road trip.

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Speaker 1: I mean the adventure of just like doing anything that

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Speaker 1: is fun and that you can write a little bit

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Speaker 1: of a story about and that lets you meet new people,

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Speaker 1: lets you see new things that you usually wouldn't see.

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Speaker 1: That opens doors for you mentally, physically, and most importantly

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Speaker 1: obviously psychologically. Part of the reason we get stuck again

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Speaker 1: is because we see the world and we believe it's

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Speaker 1: always going to be that way. We see our lives

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Speaker 1: and we've been so habituated to what they've always been

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Speaker 1: like that we imagine that there is no future where

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Speaker 1: they will not be the same. Giving your brain the

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Speaker 1: opportunity even the slightest chance to see what else is

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Speaker 1: out there and to see how quickly you could make

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Speaker 1: a decision and be up and going and having a

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Speaker 1: great time, it's just really powerful, and I think just

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Speaker 1: puts agency back into your hands for changing your life. Well,

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Speaker 1: I think that's all we have time for. Like I said,

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Speaker 1: this was a quick, little fun episode for you guys

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Speaker 1: for your weekend. I hope you enjoyed these tips. I

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Speaker 1: hope they are helpful. Genuinely. That mind map tip, the

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Speaker 1: first one I spoke about, is you could do it

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Speaker 1: today and it will completely shift how you see your

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Speaker 1: problems at least give you some more clarity so I

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Speaker 1: would highly highly suggest it if you are really in

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Speaker 1: a state of starkness. A couple of the things that

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Speaker 1: I would recommend we have this episode called how to

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Speaker 1: Feel Like Yourself Again. I think it was released late

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Speaker 1: last year, that really goes into this in more depth

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Speaker 1: about how to get back to the core parts of

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Speaker 1: your personality and the core parts of yourself that will

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Speaker 1: allow you to trust your instincts more when it comes

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Speaker 1: to making choices. There is also a book that I

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Speaker 1: would recommend called The Anatomy of a Breakthrough by doctor

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Speaker 1: Adam Alter, who is a dream guest of the podcast.

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Speaker 1: Would love to have him on at some stage, but

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Speaker 1: is a powerful book. Is a fantastic book, and I

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Speaker 1: think we'll give you a lot more a lot more

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Speaker 1: of a lot more of a guide to understanding friction

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Speaker 1: points and to understanding whether it is a mentality or

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Speaker 1: a physical circumstances that keeping yourself stuck, because I feel

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Speaker 1: like for this episode we really only spoke about when

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Speaker 1: it is a mental roadblock, but he talks a lot

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Speaker 1: more about the combination of a mental and a physical roadblock.

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Speaker 1: So an amazing book, an amazing resource. I will leave

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Speaker 1: a little link in the description below, as well as

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Speaker 1: that other episode I spoke about. But yeah, thanks for

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Speaker 1: tuning in. Guys, make sure that you are following. Send

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Speaker 1: this to a friend if you think they may need

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Speaker 1: to hear it. You can also watch full episodes of

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Speaker 1: the Psychology of Your Twenties on Netflix, which is pretty cool.

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Speaker 1: Not this episode because it is just for my audio listeners,

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Speaker 1: just for you guys, but other episodes like there's two

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Speaker 1: a week on Netflix. Yeah. I don't know what more

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Speaker 1: to say. I need to be I need to get

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Speaker 1: better at self promotion. I realized that, but oh my god,

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Speaker 1: look at me. Yeah go watch it. Yeah, go check

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Speaker 1: it out. It does really help the show, and it's

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Speaker 1: a big thing for podcasts and a big thing obviously

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Speaker 1: for our podcast as well. You can also follow us

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Speaker 1: on Instagram. You can follow us on substack. It's all

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Speaker 1: going to be in the description. I feel like you

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Speaker 1: guys are smart, you know where to find it. But

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Speaker 1: until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself.

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Speaker 1: We will talk very very soon.