1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:03,640 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:07,800 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like drug abuse, 3 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:18,040 Speaker 1: domestic violence, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. Listener discretion is advised. Hi, listeners, 4 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,880 Speaker 1: I'm emio Lea. I have three bonus episodes for you. 5 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:25,000 Speaker 1: I'm inviting people close to me onto the show to 6 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:29,320 Speaker 1: impact things. Will reflect on my family, my life, and 7 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:32,280 Speaker 1: the impact the show had on them. I'll be talking 8 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:36,840 Speaker 1: with my sister Andrea. Andrea's my younger sister. I'm seven 9 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,360 Speaker 1: years older than her, and when she was in middle school, 10 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,600 Speaker 1: she came to live with me. I try to be 11 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:45,000 Speaker 1: a parent to her, and then well, my addiction took off. 12 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,680 Speaker 1: But we'll get into that. If you haven't heard the 13 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:51,519 Speaker 1: show yet, don't wait. Head back to the feed and 14 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:54,080 Speaker 1: start at the beginning. We'll still be here when you 15 00:00:54,120 --> 00:01:05,240 Speaker 1: get back. Okay, let's get started. So welcome to Crumb 16 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:05,920 Speaker 1: Season two. 17 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,080 Speaker 2: Thank you, Thank you for having me. 18 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:13,960 Speaker 1: I'm nervous, me too. Why are you nervous? 19 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:17,959 Speaker 2: I think the whole situation, the questions that or the 20 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,280 Speaker 2: topics we may touch, I think all of it makes 21 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:23,120 Speaker 2: me a little nervous. But I'm excited to be here. 22 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:27,480 Speaker 1: I think the way we've grown up, there's some things 23 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,880 Speaker 1: that we haven't really talked about. A lot of things 24 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,120 Speaker 1: we sweep them under the rug and pretend like they 25 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:34,280 Speaker 1: didn't happen, and that it might be like a defense 26 00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:39,120 Speaker 1: mechanism because we have gone through a lot of shit 27 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:43,240 Speaker 1: in our lives as a family. I'm curious to see 28 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:45,959 Speaker 1: your viewpoint on things because I feel like it's different 29 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:48,800 Speaker 1: than mine. I'm just gonna ask you, how would you 30 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:50,640 Speaker 1: describe our relationship? 31 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,800 Speaker 2: I feel like we're not as close as we used 32 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:59,520 Speaker 2: to be. I mean, I know that if I need anything, 33 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:02,240 Speaker 2: I can always count on you. That's very present, and 34 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:05,520 Speaker 2: I love you more than anything. You know that, But 35 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,400 Speaker 2: I do feel like we are not as close as 36 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:11,320 Speaker 2: we used to be. I feel like there's like a 37 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:13,480 Speaker 2: distance between us right now. 38 00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:17,600 Speaker 1: Would you say this distance it's because of the literally 39 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:20,280 Speaker 1: the distance between us of living in different cities, or 40 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,080 Speaker 1: is it something else? 41 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,360 Speaker 2: Yes? And no, I mean I don't know exactly what 42 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,520 Speaker 2: it is, but I feel like even before, let's say, 43 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:30,600 Speaker 2: when you started going to Pomona, you were far. But 44 00:02:30,639 --> 00:02:33,640 Speaker 2: I feel like we would talk more often even and 45 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:36,160 Speaker 2: it's not just both of us, you know, how often 46 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,560 Speaker 2: do we really speak now, not very often. 47 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:45,840 Speaker 1: Now that you bring it up, I see it. So 48 00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:47,880 Speaker 1: let me ask you this, What was it like listening 49 00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:48,680 Speaker 1: to crumbs? 50 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:53,639 Speaker 2: Emotional? Very very emotional. I was some of the stuff 51 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,240 Speaker 2: that you guys spoke about. I didn't even know, you know, 52 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,360 Speaker 2: I never knew the story of how my parents met. 53 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,640 Speaker 2: That was a first. He just went to pick up 54 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,079 Speaker 2: from school that I didn't know that. I never knew that. 55 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,839 Speaker 2: I didn't know that either until we recorded it. Yeah, 56 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 2: it it was really sad. 57 00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:14,760 Speaker 1: It seems a bit dysfunctional, very very addict like behavior. 58 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:17,960 Speaker 1: Very nothing that you and I would do. 59 00:03:18,639 --> 00:03:23,840 Speaker 2: Definitely not. But it's I mean, we grew up with 60 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:28,240 Speaker 2: my mom being very dysfunctional and doing lots of things 61 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:34,040 Speaker 2: like that, so it was really shocking. But then it wasn't. 62 00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:37,760 Speaker 1: How would you describe your relationship with mom? 63 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:42,840 Speaker 2: She is a character. We just recently started living together. 64 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,920 Speaker 2: Growing up, we were a lot closer as well. I 65 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,360 Speaker 2: didn't see any wrong in what she did, you know, 66 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:53,880 Speaker 2: I felt like her, her little helper, so I felt 67 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:57,120 Speaker 2: like she was like my best friend. Then when I 68 00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:59,080 Speaker 2: became a teenager, I feel like there was a lot 69 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:02,320 Speaker 2: of resentment towards her. I felt a lot of resentment 70 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:05,320 Speaker 2: because I started noticing this is not normal. And I 71 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,400 Speaker 2: think it wasn't until I had Isabelle that I forgave her. 72 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:12,080 Speaker 2: I think it took me being a mom to forgive 73 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:17,599 Speaker 2: her because it's hard and I am not justifying her addiction, 74 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:21,279 Speaker 2: but being a mom is hard. So I did forgive her, 75 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:25,680 Speaker 2: you know, for everything that that she put us through, 76 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,080 Speaker 2: everything that we went through. 77 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,080 Speaker 1: Do you feel in any way that I had anything 78 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:36,080 Speaker 1: to do with your resentment towards a mom as a teenager? 79 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:40,000 Speaker 2: No? No, But I think that you had a lot 80 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:44,760 Speaker 2: to do with me having a normal life. You know. 81 00:04:44,839 --> 00:04:47,320 Speaker 2: I feel like if you wouldn't have been there, my 82 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:51,919 Speaker 2: life would have been so much different. I got emotional 83 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,920 Speaker 2: just a few days ago because I took Isabelle for 84 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,880 Speaker 2: her seeing your pictures, and I remember it wasn't my 85 00:04:56,920 --> 00:05:00,320 Speaker 2: mom there for those things, you know, it was you. 86 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:05,880 Speaker 1: Can we get some tissues please? You know. I always 87 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:10,520 Speaker 1: wondered why, if I had the role that I had 88 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,800 Speaker 1: in raising you, why you were so much closer to 89 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:18,160 Speaker 1: her and that confided in her about certain things then 90 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:18,760 Speaker 1: you were with me. 91 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,280 Speaker 2: You know, with you, you were a parent, You were 92 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,320 Speaker 2: strict there was rules that we had to do things 93 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,400 Speaker 2: the way they had to be done. So I feel 94 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,239 Speaker 2: like we were able to talk to her more because 95 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,240 Speaker 2: she was a friend. 96 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:32,839 Speaker 1: You know. 97 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,440 Speaker 2: It wasn't so much that we had a closer relationship 98 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,480 Speaker 2: to her. It was just there was really no consequences 99 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:44,320 Speaker 2: for whatever it is that we wanted to tell her. 100 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,679 Speaker 1: How would you describe my relationship with mom? 101 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,480 Speaker 2: I feel like you have the best relationship with her 102 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:56,160 Speaker 2: right now. I think that you guys have grown both 103 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,800 Speaker 2: of you a lot. 104 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,640 Speaker 1: I would say, yes, that's accurate. We do talk very often, 105 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,600 Speaker 1: and she vents with me her frustrations, and I went 106 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,280 Speaker 1: with her all my frustrations, like yeah, and you know, 107 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 1: we recorded the season together. We only had one fight, so. 108 00:06:12,279 --> 00:06:15,400 Speaker 2: That's good, not too bad. Go live with her. 109 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:21,560 Speaker 1: I'm okay, thanks. Let's talk about your childhood. 110 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 2: What was it like? It was unstable, very unstable. But 111 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,919 Speaker 2: I don't know how I'm saying this, but I feel 112 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,440 Speaker 2: like I had a fun childhood. You know, there was 113 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 2: never a dull moment in our childhood. Well, today, we're 114 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,880 Speaker 2: going to live in this hotel. Next week it's going 115 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,839 Speaker 2: to be a different hotel, and oh my, you know, 116 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,720 Speaker 2: it was so fun, a different pool, and usually it 117 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:51,400 Speaker 2: was hotels in South Bay and Santi Seedo where it 118 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 2: was normal. You know, that was normal. There were different families, 119 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:55,960 Speaker 2: so it was like, we're going to make new friends, 120 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,360 Speaker 2: and who are we going to go to the pool 121 00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:58,560 Speaker 2: with and who are we going to be at the 122 00:06:58,560 --> 00:06:59,600 Speaker 2: park with this weekend? 123 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:04,600 Speaker 1: How much of La Nola do you remember? I don't 124 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,440 Speaker 1: remember much about that place. I mean, I know it 125 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:12,680 Speaker 1: was ugly. It stunk, very bad, the whole building. Did 126 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,280 Speaker 1: you know that? At that time, I think I was 127 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 1: fourteen years old, I was helping mom sell dining bags 128 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:18,440 Speaker 1: of heroin. 129 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:19,440 Speaker 2: No. 130 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,960 Speaker 1: People would knock on the door and I'd open it 131 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,560 Speaker 1: and they'd hand me a ten dollar bill or whatever, 132 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 1: and I'd give them their dining bags. So I was 133 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:32,800 Speaker 1: helping her sell drugs. I knew it wasn't normal, but 134 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,160 Speaker 1: I don't know. I just wanted to be her a 135 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,280 Speaker 1: little helper, and I just wanted to fit in, I 136 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:41,280 Speaker 1: guess in my mom's world whatever that looked like. 137 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:45,160 Speaker 2: I think we both went through that. There was a 138 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:49,160 Speaker 2: point where I helped her too. Whenever she needed me 139 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,440 Speaker 2: to do her little favors, I would at the trolley. 140 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,120 Speaker 2: You're going to meet them at the trolley. So next thing, 141 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,679 Speaker 2: you know, I know all these drug addicts from sanny 142 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,920 Speaker 2: Citro and I'm walking to school and it's like, hey, 143 00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:03,760 Speaker 2: how are you? And it's like, oh hey, I thought 144 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:06,240 Speaker 2: it was so cool that I know all these older 145 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:08,800 Speaker 2: people that know me by my name. And I was 146 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 2: only nine years old, but I felt protected. And we 147 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,840 Speaker 2: would walk and my friends and I would walk home 148 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:18,400 Speaker 2: and this big trollo would be walking behind us, you know, 149 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,000 Speaker 2: not even standing next, was just behind us making sure 150 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,400 Speaker 2: we were getting home safe. It's like I felt like, oh, 151 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:27,720 Speaker 2: here I am with my little bodyguard walking home from school. 152 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:32,520 Speaker 1: That's so crazy. I didn't know that because Mom has 153 00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:34,520 Speaker 1: a similar stories where she would go out when she 154 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,520 Speaker 1: was young partying and Mamy reach. I would send bodyguards 155 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:38,480 Speaker 1: to take care of them. 156 00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:43,160 Speaker 2: Mom had somebody to do everything for her. We were 157 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,280 Speaker 2: not wealthy, you know. Mom did not have the money 158 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:49,760 Speaker 2: she had when my grandmother was around. But Mom never 159 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:53,720 Speaker 2: went to the laundry mat. Mom never cooked, Mom never cleaned, 160 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,240 Speaker 2: yet we always had king clothes. Our house was never 161 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:02,280 Speaker 2: really dirty and if a lot of dirty clothes accumulated 162 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 2: with Mom would grab everything put it in a bag 163 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,559 Speaker 2: and throw it out and Okay, we're going to go shopping. 164 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,560 Speaker 2: If she couldn't find anybody to do the laundry for her, 165 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:11,880 Speaker 2: it was like everything's going in the trash and we're 166 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:12,560 Speaker 2: going to go shopping. 167 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,720 Speaker 1: And that's how I grew up. It's so much like 168 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,960 Speaker 1: how she lived when she was in prison. And I 169 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,760 Speaker 1: didn't know this until recently, maybe a few years ago, 170 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,880 Speaker 1: that either Papa Veto or me would send her money, 171 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:29,840 Speaker 1: and so she had people doing laundry for her, her chores, 172 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:31,520 Speaker 1: and she just lived like a queen while she was 173 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,080 Speaker 1: in prison. And I was like, what the fuck here? 174 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,600 Speaker 1: We are like sending you like money when we can, 175 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,440 Speaker 1: and like, that's what you're doing with the money. 176 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:45,000 Speaker 2: Now that she doesn't live that way, everything is so 177 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:48,280 Speaker 2: hard for her. You know, I told her not too 178 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:51,360 Speaker 2: long ago, stop acting like a victim. It's very normal. 179 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,720 Speaker 2: Everything you're doing is normal. You're just not used to 180 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,920 Speaker 2: it because other people always did it for you. 181 00:09:57,920 --> 00:09:58,720 Speaker 1: But she does it. 182 00:09:59,200 --> 00:09:59,920 Speaker 2: She does it now. 183 00:10:03,679 --> 00:10:06,199 Speaker 1: I want to talk about something that might be a 184 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:12,600 Speaker 1: little difficult. Do you remember Adrian's overdose? Yes, Oh, I'll 185 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:13,320 Speaker 1: never forget it. 186 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:24,079 Speaker 2: The first thing I remember is Adriane starts repeatedly saying broom, broom, 187 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,079 Speaker 2: and it just happened so out of nowhere. He became 188 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:32,680 Speaker 2: very agitated, very irritable. I couldn't comfort him. Finally, I 189 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,880 Speaker 2: remember banging on the door and telling my mom. You know, 190 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,400 Speaker 2: I think she heard it in my voice, something is 191 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,280 Speaker 2: wrong with Adrian. You need to get out. I think 192 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:42,080 Speaker 2: I even cussed at her, which I never did, so 193 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:45,560 Speaker 2: it was kind of like, get your shit together, something 194 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,120 Speaker 2: is wrong with Adrian and you need to do something 195 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:48,400 Speaker 2: about it. I mean, I told her I'm going to 196 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:52,079 Speaker 2: call the police because I knew something was wrong, and 197 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,400 Speaker 2: that's when she said, no, no, no, give me a minute. 198 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,160 Speaker 2: And I think that's when she called you. She didn't me. 199 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,520 Speaker 2: I don't know who she called, but she did not 200 00:10:58,559 --> 00:11:01,320 Speaker 2: want to take him to the hospital. So now I see, 201 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,640 Speaker 2: or as I got older, she knew by that time 202 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:08,480 Speaker 2: what was wrong. And I hated my mom for a 203 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:13,120 Speaker 2: really long time. You know, I had never thought about it. 204 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,680 Speaker 2: I think right now sitting here, that might be where 205 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:19,480 Speaker 2: my resentment started for her, because I never felt like 206 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:22,880 Speaker 2: that was in danger growing up with her. I remember 207 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,840 Speaker 2: wherever it is that we lived, cops always showed up 208 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,600 Speaker 2: without her even telling me it was like I would 209 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,959 Speaker 2: go and grab all her stash and get rid of it. 210 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,839 Speaker 2: But that day, it's like I felt very vulnerable for 211 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:40,840 Speaker 2: Adrian because he was defenseless. He was not protected, Like 212 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:44,720 Speaker 2: you did not protect him. I didn't protect him, And 213 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:46,920 Speaker 2: it was hard for me because I felt that for 214 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,160 Speaker 2: a long time too. Maybe if I would have watched 215 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,360 Speaker 2: him better, Maybe if my mom's purse I would have moved. 216 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,280 Speaker 2: Maybe if this but it wasn't my fault. It was 217 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:58,679 Speaker 2: her fault. But I think that out of everything that 218 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:02,160 Speaker 2: we've lived through with my mom, that was one of 219 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:03,960 Speaker 2: the hardest for me. 220 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:09,360 Speaker 1: Me too, What was your life like when you started 221 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 1: middle school? It was a shit show for me. I 222 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:19,080 Speaker 1: matured a lot physically, a lot sooner than most of 223 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:22,720 Speaker 1: my friends. I was eleven twelve hanging out with fifteen 224 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:27,679 Speaker 1: year old sixteen year olds. I started drinking, and I 225 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,760 Speaker 1: just never went to school. I didn't have a life, 226 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:34,000 Speaker 1: you know, I feel like I was starting to. I 227 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:37,920 Speaker 1: could have potentially followed in my mom's footsteps. Do you 228 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,679 Speaker 1: remember what you look like back then? 229 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:47,240 Speaker 2: My feelings my Tommy Hill figure, overalls, no eyebrows drawn 230 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:51,800 Speaker 2: on eyebrows, peroxide, all over my hair because I wanted 231 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,400 Speaker 2: to go blonde, and I didn't know how. 232 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:57,840 Speaker 1: At this point, you and I don't have a close relationship. 233 00:12:58,280 --> 00:12:58,400 Speaker 2: No. 234 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:01,720 Speaker 3: One. 235 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:05,120 Speaker 1: Thing that was very consistent is my communication with Mamiricha, 236 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:08,240 Speaker 1: because we would talk on the phone every day and 237 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:12,440 Speaker 1: i'd go visit her. So I'm hearing about these things 238 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:16,640 Speaker 1: that you guys are going through through her, and she's 239 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,440 Speaker 1: telling me how you're just a lost case already, that 240 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,920 Speaker 1: you're just gonna be like my mom and all these things. 241 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,080 Speaker 1: And then she calls me. She tells me that you 242 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:26,160 Speaker 1: have a warrant for your arrest and that they're looking 243 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:30,320 Speaker 1: for you, and that you're nowhere to be found. So 244 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:33,320 Speaker 1: I am determined to find you. In sign you see 245 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,480 Speaker 1: the wherever the fuck you are, I'm gonna find you. 246 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,560 Speaker 1: And I start asking around and I go to people's 247 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:41,600 Speaker 1: houses hang out where I knew you would hang out at, 248 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,880 Speaker 1: and somebody told me that you were at a friend's house. 249 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:51,120 Speaker 2: I remember it a little bit different. I think I 250 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:57,000 Speaker 2: was drunk and I came home and Mom noticed. Then 251 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,360 Speaker 2: all of a sudden, my mom wants to be a mom, 252 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:04,200 Speaker 2: Let me go back outside, and she didn't. That was 253 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,079 Speaker 2: the first fight I ever had with her, like a 254 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,920 Speaker 2: huge fight where I almost hit her and I remember 255 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:13,040 Speaker 2: raising my arm and she got in my face and 256 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,960 Speaker 2: she pushed me and said do it. I want you 257 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,920 Speaker 2: to hit me and I couldn't, so I said, okay, 258 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,400 Speaker 2: I'm going to go to sleep, and I jumped out 259 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,520 Speaker 2: of the window. As I was walking up the alley, 260 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,240 Speaker 2: there was this guy walking down and he was older 261 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:31,800 Speaker 2: than I. He was maybe sixteen seventeen. I had like 262 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:34,520 Speaker 2: a crush on him. He was a very handsome guy. 263 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,960 Speaker 2: And he seen me and he's like, hey, you know 264 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,320 Speaker 2: what's wrong with you? Are you okay? And I started 265 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,480 Speaker 2: going off and I just remember telling him I hate 266 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,080 Speaker 2: my mom and I'm going to kill myself and I 267 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,840 Speaker 2: hate this life and nobody cares. And I remember he 268 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,800 Speaker 2: grabbed me and he just gave me like a hug. 269 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:52,080 Speaker 2: He's like, okay, where do you want to go? I'll 270 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,680 Speaker 2: take you. I want to go to the park, I'll 271 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,480 Speaker 2: take you. And he walked me down and he tricked me. 272 00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,760 Speaker 2: He tricked me first because he took me right back 273 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:03,120 Speaker 2: to me my mom and he knocked on the door 274 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,120 Speaker 2: and I yelled at him and he said, sorry, you 275 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:10,000 Speaker 2: can't be walking around the streets, look at you. Mom 276 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:14,240 Speaker 2: called you, and then you got there. So you got 277 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:16,440 Speaker 2: me in the car and you said we're gonna go 278 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,080 Speaker 2: get ice cream. And you drove to the police department 279 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,640 Speaker 2: and I seen him. I'm like, what are we doing here? 280 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:23,960 Speaker 2: And you still told me, oh, I just need to 281 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:27,360 Speaker 2: get something, okay, And I sat there. You got off 282 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,400 Speaker 2: and then when you came out, you came out with 283 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,480 Speaker 2: two sheriffs or two deputies, and they took me in. 284 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:39,360 Speaker 2: Then they took me to juvenile hall. What were your 285 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:44,160 Speaker 2: thoughts at that time? I was scared. I was very scared. 286 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:49,200 Speaker 2: We mad at me, not initially, I think once I 287 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,720 Speaker 2: was settled in juvenile hall, I was upset, like how 288 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,800 Speaker 2: could they do this to me? I remember thinking my 289 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,200 Speaker 2: grandma would have never done this to my mom. I 290 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,000 Speaker 2: was very very I said, And I was scared because 291 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,640 Speaker 2: even though I had that trolla look, and even though 292 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,000 Speaker 2: I grew up the way I grew up, I was 293 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:10,800 Speaker 2: just a little girl, and I was scared. There was 294 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:15,640 Speaker 2: girls that were like they were scary. It was a 295 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:19,800 Speaker 2: lot worse than just truancies. So you're there for what 296 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:20,160 Speaker 2: was it? 297 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:20,720 Speaker 1: Two weeks? 298 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:21,040 Speaker 2: Three? 299 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:21,920 Speaker 1: Three weeks? 300 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:22,640 Speaker 2: Three weeks. 301 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,680 Speaker 1: That bought me a lot of time. I remember, and 302 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:29,960 Speaker 1: so you were going to have a hearing, and I 303 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,720 Speaker 1: knew there was a chance that you might go home 304 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:36,160 Speaker 1: with me. Right, so I show up to court. Mom 305 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,160 Speaker 1: doesn't show up to court. 306 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:44,560 Speaker 2: No, she wasn't there. I assumed my mom was going 307 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,160 Speaker 2: to be there. So when I came out and I look, 308 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:55,400 Speaker 2: I feel like I hadn't felt that loved but lit 309 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:57,480 Speaker 2: down in the long time. 310 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:04,000 Speaker 3: Sorry, because I come out and I can see you. 311 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:10,440 Speaker 3: I see my dear Chap, I see Analilja Lupe, and 312 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:16,160 Speaker 3: then I see my dad with my Nana, his mom. 313 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:20,160 Speaker 3: But I never seen my mom and I was waiting, 314 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,280 Speaker 3: you know, for her to get there, and she never did. 315 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,880 Speaker 1: Did you have any idea of who you were going 316 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:32,600 Speaker 1: to be released to? 317 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,520 Speaker 2: They gave me the option. Remember the judge asked me 318 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,760 Speaker 2: who I wanted to go to, and I waited my 319 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:45,440 Speaker 2: options and in my mind, I said, well, Alien Lupe 320 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:49,440 Speaker 2: will give me a great life, you know, thanks to them. 321 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:53,359 Speaker 2: I always dreamt of going to college. But I said, 322 00:17:53,359 --> 00:17:55,920 Speaker 2: they live in LA. I don't want to go live 323 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 2: in LA. You know, I'm never going to see my sister. 324 00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,159 Speaker 2: I'm never going to see my mom. It's going to 325 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:03,520 Speaker 2: be too many roles. My tia chaw. She's not going 326 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:05,399 Speaker 2: to let me do anything. She was always very strict 327 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:06,800 Speaker 2: with her sons. You know, I'm not even going to 328 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,320 Speaker 2: be able to have friends. I'm definitely not choosing her. 329 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:14,880 Speaker 2: So it was between you and my nana. So with 330 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,280 Speaker 2: you in my mind, I said, I'm I'm going to 331 00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:19,439 Speaker 2: go back with my mom. I'm going to get out 332 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:21,760 Speaker 2: of here and I'm just going to go back with 333 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,280 Speaker 2: my mom and I'm going to keep living the life 334 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,080 Speaker 2: that I was living. That was my mentality, and that's 335 00:18:26,119 --> 00:18:28,720 Speaker 2: why I chose to go with you. He gave me 336 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:30,560 Speaker 2: the option. He said, obviously, you have a lot of 337 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,439 Speaker 2: people that care about you and love you, and you 338 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,520 Speaker 2: have a great support system. So you're a little older now, 339 00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:37,359 Speaker 2: and I want you to, you know, make the choice 340 00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:39,920 Speaker 2: on where you think your life will be better. 341 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,240 Speaker 1: I wasn't thinking about where I was going to be better. 342 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:44,480 Speaker 1: I was thinking of who am I going to get 343 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:49,280 Speaker 1: out of the easiest. You were nineteen years old. I said, 344 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:51,600 Speaker 1: I'm going to end up back with my mom and 345 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:55,199 Speaker 1: doing whatever I want. That's how that happened. I remember that, 346 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,159 Speaker 1: and boy, were you in for a shop. Oh yeah, 347 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:06,480 Speaker 1: definitely me. I don't remember that hearing very well and 348 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:12,520 Speaker 1: hearing that you made a calculated choice to go home 349 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:14,320 Speaker 1: with me because I think you thought I was going 350 00:19:14,359 --> 00:19:16,840 Speaker 1: to be easier to manipulate and go back to live 351 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:20,920 Speaker 1: with my mom. It's shocking to me that you thought 352 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:26,320 Speaker 1: that was going to happen, because deep down inside, I 353 00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:29,199 Speaker 1: wanted you to go live with an Alia Lube because 354 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,159 Speaker 1: I was just starting my life. You know, I was 355 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,040 Speaker 1: going to go to college, and I had all these 356 00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:37,040 Speaker 1: dreams and hopes, and I didn't want you to go 357 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:40,000 Speaker 1: to Ali because you were going to be far, but 358 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,800 Speaker 1: I knew you had the better chance at life with them. 359 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,960 Speaker 1: But also, like my ego, I wanted you to come 360 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:49,520 Speaker 1: live with me because I had a chance to make 361 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,480 Speaker 1: a difference in your life. And I think at that 362 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,760 Speaker 1: point I was just like, whatever the judge decides is 363 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:58,160 Speaker 1: going to be okay. 364 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,560 Speaker 2: You were my best option because of that, because you 365 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,000 Speaker 2: were so young and I didn't think you were really 366 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:06,399 Speaker 2: going to want to take that role. It was a 367 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,800 Speaker 2: huge responsibility. 368 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:13,600 Speaker 1: You definitely didn't come with instructions. You had this attitude 369 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:17,520 Speaker 1: about you and this lifestyle that you were accustomed to, 370 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,080 Speaker 1: and there was no way that I was going to 371 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:25,879 Speaker 1: allow that to continue. And I remember you had nothing 372 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:28,439 Speaker 1: when you got released to me, just to clothes on 373 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:28,880 Speaker 1: your back. 374 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,720 Speaker 2: You didn't let me take anything exactly. 375 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,000 Speaker 1: You wanted to go pick up clothes at my Midicha's house, 376 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,520 Speaker 1: and I said absolutely not, because I knew what that 377 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:40,359 Speaker 1: clothes looked like. And we brought you everything from head 378 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:41,919 Speaker 1: to toe. 379 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,639 Speaker 2: And you would think I'd be so excited and happy 380 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,439 Speaker 2: because it was a full on shopping spree, and I 381 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:53,760 Speaker 2: was miserable because I hated how you wanted to dress me. 382 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:57,320 Speaker 2: And I mean, I look back, it was normal, normal clothes, 383 00:20:57,359 --> 00:20:59,640 Speaker 2: but it wasn't what I liked. 384 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:05,879 Speaker 1: We're living at my nana's. You have a whole new wardrobe, 385 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:09,400 Speaker 1: and it's an adjustment. I enroll you in. 386 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,560 Speaker 2: School an honors program. 387 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:17,159 Speaker 1: Oh tell me about that? Like, what was that like 388 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:17,560 Speaker 1: for you? 389 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:22,520 Speaker 2: These are not my people, is what I felt. Everything 390 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:26,639 Speaker 2: was just so fast paced. And again I adapted pretty quickly, 391 00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:32,760 Speaker 2: but I felt lost in the beginning, very out of place. 392 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,840 Speaker 1: And I think it's during this time that I start 393 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:41,000 Speaker 1: partying more and drinking. Because we live with my nana. 394 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:43,600 Speaker 1: I have a babysitter or mim leach. I would babysit 395 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:48,800 Speaker 1: you sometimes. This was a point where my disease took off. 396 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:54,119 Speaker 1: And I'm a blackout drinker. I know, what do you 397 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:58,159 Speaker 1: remember about me drinking and being self destructive? 398 00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:01,280 Speaker 2: Like I said, you would go out a lot, You 399 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,280 Speaker 2: would drink a lot. But I thought it was just normal. 400 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:08,479 Speaker 2: You know your age, and you're going out here every weekend. 401 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:12,199 Speaker 2: Actually you would be out. But when I realized that 402 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:17,360 Speaker 2: something was really wrong, the baggie is time. I'll never 403 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:21,119 Speaker 2: forget that. That was so traumatizing and I was so scared. 404 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:26,119 Speaker 1: In the methanduce psychosis. Yes, and not my proudest moment. 405 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:29,680 Speaker 2: I was scared because I had never seen you act 406 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:33,280 Speaker 2: like that, and you were not you, and you were 407 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:38,320 Speaker 2: being violent, not necessarily towards us, but you were hitting walls. 408 00:22:38,359 --> 00:22:42,240 Speaker 2: I think you couldn't breathe, and that you had baggies 409 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:44,520 Speaker 2: in your chest and you wanted to take them out. 410 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:47,119 Speaker 2: And I got so scared because I said, you know, 411 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,520 Speaker 2: you're gonna stab yourself right now, because you kept thinking 412 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,760 Speaker 2: that you had bags full of air in your chest 413 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:58,199 Speaker 2: that you needed to pop. And that was hard because 414 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:00,639 Speaker 2: I saw you as my hero and I saw you 415 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:03,840 Speaker 2: as my stability, and I saw you as the normal 416 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:07,000 Speaker 2: one in the family. And so now to realize that 417 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,320 Speaker 2: you have a drug problem, you have an addiction, and 418 00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:12,160 Speaker 2: you're an alcoholic. Like now what. 419 00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:20,920 Speaker 1: Hearing you say that, I'm surprised because I had been 420 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,359 Speaker 1: drinking and doing drugs for such a long time before 421 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,320 Speaker 1: that incident. One of the things that I feel so 422 00:23:26,359 --> 00:23:30,760 Speaker 1: guilty for is putting you and Daniela through these incidents 423 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:36,720 Speaker 1: where I'm being self destructive and like fucking up the 424 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:40,439 Speaker 1: stability that I had provided for you both. And one 425 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:42,840 Speaker 1: of the things that comes to mind for me is 426 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:47,800 Speaker 1: like our trip to Hawaii, because I don't remember any 427 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:51,320 Speaker 1: of it. I remember very little things about it because 428 00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:53,040 Speaker 1: I was in the blackout most of the trip. 429 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:59,880 Speaker 2: We love ta Wahi. I think that maybe I didn't 430 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:03,399 Speaker 2: know it, maybe I didn't want to see it, or 431 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:07,320 Speaker 2: maybe because of seeing the addiction that my parents had, 432 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:10,040 Speaker 2: it was very different behavior. You were not addicted to heroin, 433 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:13,639 Speaker 2: and I didn't know that you were on drugs that trip. 434 00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:16,040 Speaker 1: It's a really for me to hear that you don't 435 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,320 Speaker 1: remember much of Hawaii and that you actually enjoyed it, 436 00:24:18,359 --> 00:24:19,600 Speaker 1: that you guys actually had fun. 437 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,880 Speaker 2: It was when I was in high school, like almost 438 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:26,639 Speaker 2: done with high school, when I really full on experienced 439 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:30,359 Speaker 2: your blackouts, and you're changed you. I mean, you were 440 00:24:30,359 --> 00:24:34,760 Speaker 2: a whole different person. Do you remember that time that 441 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,720 Speaker 2: you got home I think like at six in the 442 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:42,639 Speaker 2: morning from partying. It was a weekday, and it was 443 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,960 Speaker 2: my senior year already I had something really important to 444 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:48,119 Speaker 2: do at school, and I'm freaking out because how am 445 00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:50,119 Speaker 2: I going to get to school and this and that? 446 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,959 Speaker 2: And so you get there, you were one of your coworkers. 447 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:59,120 Speaker 2: You get there, you guys stunk like whiskey, Like. 448 00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:00,000 Speaker 1: I didn't drink whiskey. 449 00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:02,480 Speaker 2: While it's not like whiskey to me. I don't either, 450 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:05,399 Speaker 2: but that's what I remember. It smelled like what did 451 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:05,800 Speaker 2: you drink? 452 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:10,120 Speaker 1: Rum Kangnac vodka? 453 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:16,840 Speaker 2: Well, you guys reeked, you showered, and you said, okay, 454 00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,239 Speaker 2: let's go, and you were both drunk, and I'm like, 455 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,200 Speaker 2: you're not driving anywhere. Yeah, we have to go to work. 456 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:24,720 Speaker 2: Come on, are you ready for school? Let's go. So 457 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,359 Speaker 2: here I am in the back seat, like just I 458 00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:30,880 Speaker 2: couldn't believe the way you guys looked and smelled, even 459 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:33,920 Speaker 2: though you guys had showered and you stop at seventy eleven, 460 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,600 Speaker 2: and you guys have each had a big wope. So 461 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,159 Speaker 2: whatever liquor you had and there you guys filled it 462 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,359 Speaker 2: up with liquor and coke or whatever, and you drove 463 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:44,120 Speaker 2: to work like that. 464 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,880 Speaker 1: And I remember I got We get to the office 465 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,320 Speaker 1: and we sit down to take calls and we have 466 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:54,439 Speaker 1: our big Hope on our desk full of liquor. Yeah, 467 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:59,399 Speaker 1: and so we're drinking and I'm taking calls. I'm obviously 468 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,879 Speaker 1: not in a black out because I remember it. But 469 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,760 Speaker 1: that's just like the way we lived. 470 00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:11,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, So you were a hot mess, but a responsible one. 471 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,480 Speaker 1: At what point do you decide that you're done living 472 00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:14,720 Speaker 1: with me? 473 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:20,000 Speaker 2: When I found out I was pregnant, because that last 474 00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:24,280 Speaker 2: month of my senior year is when you were at 475 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:29,080 Speaker 2: your worst. You would get home super drunk to get 476 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:33,200 Speaker 2: more alcohol to try and leave, and I remember grabbing 477 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,119 Speaker 2: your car and chasing you, you, you know, fighting with 478 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,679 Speaker 2: you to get you back in the car. It was 479 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:42,000 Speaker 2: just a struggle. It was an everyday thing. Like now 480 00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:45,800 Speaker 2: I'm parenting you, you know, and it's like, I just 481 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:49,280 Speaker 2: want to enjoy my last month of senior year. I 482 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:52,400 Speaker 2: just want to enjoy prompt and Grantnite and my friends. 483 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:55,119 Speaker 2: And it's like, at that point, it was even worse 484 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,280 Speaker 2: than being with my parents because I didn't have to 485 00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:00,200 Speaker 2: babysit them, And now here I am taking care of 486 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,439 Speaker 2: you and seeing everything that you're doing to yourself and 487 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:06,000 Speaker 2: to everyone around you, because everybody's worried every day. 488 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:12,760 Speaker 1: I'll never forget you. Once told me over the phone, 489 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:17,040 Speaker 1: how you said, you're just like my mom, except we 490 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:19,960 Speaker 1: don't visit you in jail, we visit you in hospitals. 491 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:21,040 Speaker 2: Geez. 492 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:26,560 Speaker 1: And that was really harsh, and that really hurt. And 493 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:33,400 Speaker 1: so I get sober. Life gets good real fast, and 494 00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:40,280 Speaker 1: then I get ten months of sobriety and I relapse. Honestly, 495 00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:42,560 Speaker 1: this last time that I relapsed, I had no intention 496 00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:47,000 Speaker 1: of getting sober again. I didn't want to, but my 497 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,879 Speaker 1: roommate sends me to rehab, and I just wanted to 498 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:55,800 Speaker 1: heat off my back. You haven't new born, Daniela's running 499 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,639 Speaker 1: a mug. My friends don't want anything to do with 500 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:02,320 Speaker 1: me at this point, they're done, and I just want 501 00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:07,320 Speaker 1: to numb myself. And so I go to rehab with 502 00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:14,200 Speaker 1: no intention of staying sober, and something changes because it sticks. 503 00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:19,879 Speaker 1: And I've been sober since then, and it's time to 504 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:24,280 Speaker 1: really pick up the pieces and rebuild my life again. 505 00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:28,520 Speaker 1: And I go back to school. I mean, you get married, 506 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:32,040 Speaker 1: you go and start your family, and I'm rebuilding my 507 00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:36,600 Speaker 1: life and I transition. What was that like for you? 508 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:43,160 Speaker 2: I hated you when you told me, and I just 509 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:49,520 Speaker 2: felt so angry at you. And I do remember telling 510 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:53,840 Speaker 2: you you know you're gay, just be gay. I've always 511 00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:57,560 Speaker 2: defended you, and I've always been about equality, and I 512 00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:58,560 Speaker 2: remember just saying. 513 00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:00,600 Speaker 3: But why, you know, why do you have to do this? 514 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:04,160 Speaker 2: Like don't And it wasn't because what are people going 515 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,080 Speaker 2: to say? It was just like, why. 516 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,720 Speaker 3: You know you're not You're not a girl. And that's 517 00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:16,520 Speaker 3: how I felt. You took WeDo from me, from one 518 00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:24,360 Speaker 3: moment to another. You essentially saved me. You took me 519 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:28,640 Speaker 3: from my mom, you took me from that lifestyle, and 520 00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:31,520 Speaker 3: you showed me something so different and so better and 521 00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:34,000 Speaker 3: thanks to you, I mean, I'm not perfect, but thanks 522 00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:38,600 Speaker 3: to you, I didn't end up like them, and I 523 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:41,080 Speaker 3: did so much better and you taught me so much, 524 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:44,440 Speaker 3: so it was like you're getting rid of him. That's 525 00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:48,640 Speaker 3: you were my everything and that's what hurt me, is 526 00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:53,800 Speaker 3: that I'm not going to see what anymore. You were 527 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:59,560 Speaker 3: my comfort, my protection, even though you were a hot mess, 528 00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:04,640 Speaker 3: you were my stability, and I felt like you took 529 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:12,320 Speaker 3: that from me. You know, I was being selfish, but 530 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:18,200 Speaker 3: that's how I felt. And then I started seeing the 531 00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:24,160 Speaker 3: difference in you, not the sobriety, you you as a person, 532 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:29,080 Speaker 3: and I loved it. And that's when I, you know, 533 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,640 Speaker 3: I told myself get over you need to get over 534 00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:34,480 Speaker 3: yourself and your selfishness. 535 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:39,840 Speaker 2: I remember calling you and apologizing, and I mean you 536 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:44,120 Speaker 2: talked to me like nothing had ever happened. When you 537 00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:48,840 Speaker 2: told me your name, I thought it was funny. I 538 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:51,720 Speaker 2: thought it was ironic, because do you remember what you 539 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:55,800 Speaker 2: would call me when you would get drunk pre transition? 540 00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:59,680 Speaker 2: I think, mostly me, you would call me emmy love, 541 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:04,720 Speaker 2: Emi love, Emi love. I mean I thought it was funny, 542 00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:07,880 Speaker 2: but I'd be like, why am I love? Like so 543 00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:11,760 Speaker 2: for years, when you would be drunk, that's what you 544 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:15,040 Speaker 2: would call me, That's what you would call yourself. And 545 00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:17,320 Speaker 2: so when you told me, you know, years later, about 546 00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:19,720 Speaker 2: your transition and then your name, I just thought like 547 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:22,000 Speaker 2: you were meant to do that. 548 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:27,720 Speaker 1: I only know about the Emmy love through you telling 549 00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:33,000 Speaker 1: me right, because I don't remember what I say in 550 00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:36,560 Speaker 1: the blackout, and I can assure you that I didn't 551 00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:40,800 Speaker 1: choose my name from that. But it's just it's so 552 00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:47,880 Speaker 1: weird how that worked out. So at what point do 553 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:51,720 Speaker 1: you start seeing recovery working in me and me changing? 554 00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:55,480 Speaker 1: And did you believe it? Were you skeptical? 555 00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:58,760 Speaker 2: Your sobriety was annoying to me by this time that 556 00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:02,120 Speaker 2: we're speaking, because I do drink, and you're like, not 557 00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:05,640 Speaker 2: in the very beginning of your sobriety, but somewhat where 558 00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:09,400 Speaker 2: you're still you know, you were preaching to us, and 559 00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:11,880 Speaker 2: it's like, just come on, you can have a drink. 560 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:14,600 Speaker 2: That's what I felt. You could have a drink. You'll 561 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,120 Speaker 2: be fine because now you are who you are, and 562 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:19,480 Speaker 2: I feel like your drinking problem was because you wanted 563 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:23,320 Speaker 2: to escape who you were then. But obviously I was wrong. 564 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:26,719 Speaker 2: I was wrong because you know that you had that problem, 565 00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:27,960 Speaker 2: and I'm extremely proud of you. 566 00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:36,960 Speaker 1: We covered a lot. How do you feel about our 567 00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:38,040 Speaker 1: relationship now? 568 00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:42,080 Speaker 2: I think that we need to be closer. I mean, 569 00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:45,080 Speaker 2: I don't think we have a bad relationship, but I 570 00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:47,240 Speaker 2: think we need to be closer than we were before. 571 00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:51,040 Speaker 2: I mean, you're always busy. I'm always busy, but I 572 00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,920 Speaker 2: do think that I would like to have a closer 573 00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:54,760 Speaker 2: relationship with you. 574 00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:57,480 Speaker 1: I would like that too, And I just want you 575 00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:00,280 Speaker 1: to know that, you know, here's the thing, Like we 576 00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:04,040 Speaker 1: didn't grow up with the nurturing, Like we didn't grow 577 00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:08,080 Speaker 1: up with being like Mushi, Like that's not who we are. 578 00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:11,479 Speaker 1: But I want you to know that I love you 579 00:33:11,560 --> 00:33:14,840 Speaker 1: so much and I am so proud of the woman 580 00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:18,520 Speaker 1: that you are and the mother that you are, and 581 00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:21,920 Speaker 1: that you know that I'm always here for you. 582 00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:27,280 Speaker 2: Thank you. And I feel the same way. And you 583 00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:31,680 Speaker 2: know that I've always been grateful to you because you 584 00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:36,640 Speaker 2: changed my life for the better. I love you so 585 00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:41,000 Speaker 2: much and to who I am today is because of you. 586 00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:45,440 Speaker 2: You did a really good job. I'm great. Thank you. 587 00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:55,320 Speaker 1: That was me and my sister Andrea. Next week, I'm 588 00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:58,520 Speaker 1: bringing out my childhood friend Monica to talk about my family, 589 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:10,320 Speaker 1: are awkward to years and the beginning of my transition. Hey, listeners, 590 00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:12,680 Speaker 1: there's a lot of difficult subjects that we cover in 591 00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:15,520 Speaker 1: this show. If you are someone you know needs help, 592 00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:18,360 Speaker 1: you can reach the substance abuse and Mental Health Services 593 00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:22,840 Speaker 1: Administration Hotline at one eight hundred six six 'S two 594 00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:26,560 Speaker 1: four three five seven. They'll connect you with information and 595 00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:30,800 Speaker 1: resources on treatment. There's also the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 596 00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:34,920 Speaker 1: at one eight hundred two seven three TA l K. 597 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,840 Speaker 1: Both are available twenty four to seven. You don't have 598 00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:41,520 Speaker 1: to be in crisis to reach out either. They're available 599 00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:49,560 Speaker 1: for anyone who needs help. Crumbs is a Sonata production 600 00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:54,160 Speaker 1: in partnership with Iheart's Microtura Network and Trojan Horse. It's 601 00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:58,840 Speaker 1: produced by Hannah Bottom and edited by Margaret Catcher, Rodrigo 602 00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:04,840 Speaker 1: Crespo and Alex Umero, with support from Elizabeth Schutzo. Original 603 00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:08,760 Speaker 1: music by Dee Peter Schmidt and engineering by Caros Magagna 604 00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:14,640 Speaker 1: Emanuel Barra Studio, Recording by JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio. 605 00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:18,279 Speaker 1: Executive produced by Conor Byrne and Giselvan Says for iHeart, 606 00:35:18,719 --> 00:35:22,840 Speaker 1: Alex Fumetro and Margaret Catcher for Chrodren Horse, Gamila Victoriano 607 00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:28,080 Speaker 1: and Joshua Weinstein forer Sonoro and me Emmiolea. Special things 608 00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:32,040 Speaker 1: to Marina Coronella Gire and of course my mom Il Gambois. 609 00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:37,400 Speaker 1: Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or 610 00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:50,520 Speaker 1: wherever you get your podcasts.