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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and couch Talks is the special

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Speaker 1: bonus episode of You Need Therapy Podcasts where I usually

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Speaker 1: answer questions that listeners send to me and you can

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Speaker 1: send those to Katherine at therapy podcast dot com. However,

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Speaker 1: today I'm gonna do something a little different. So usually

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Speaker 1: I will, like I said, answer a question that you

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Speaker 1: guys sent to me and we'll talk about it. But

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Speaker 1: today I thought it would be interesting to do something

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Speaker 1: a little bit different. And I don't know where this

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Speaker 1: came to me or how this came to me, but

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Speaker 1: I ended up asking followers on Instagram and one of

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Speaker 1: those question boxes to send me something that a therapist

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Speaker 1: said to them in session that we will stay with

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Speaker 1: them forever, and I that it'll be fun for us

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Speaker 1: to all kind of gather those sentences or stories or

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Speaker 1: whatever phrases and share them with each other, because there

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Speaker 1: are often things that we all might benefit from hearing,

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Speaker 1: and so we're going to do that, and I'm going

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Speaker 1: to start with something that a therapist said to me

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Speaker 1: recently that was really helpful and a very big deal,

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Speaker 1: and I think I might have shared it with you

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Speaker 1: guys before, but I'm going to share it again. And

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Speaker 1: I was talking to my therapist about wanting to help somebody,

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Speaker 1: and if it was my family I was talking about,

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Speaker 1: or a friend, it could have been a combination. And

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh, like, I don't know what to do.

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Speaker 1: I want to help them, and I feel like I

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Speaker 1: need to do this, and it's like my right as

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Speaker 1: a not my right, but my duty as a friend

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Speaker 1: or a loved one. And she said to me, help

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Speaker 1: is often the sunny side of control, which is very

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Speaker 1: helpful because I see help a lot of times in

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Speaker 1: my own life when I'm just zoned in on myself.

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Speaker 1: It's different when a therapist is look at their lives

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Speaker 1: to somebody else's.

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Speaker 2: But when I'm looking at how I'm.

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Speaker 1: Helping somebody, it often I can view it as like

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Speaker 1: righteous or good or what we should be doing. And

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Speaker 1: often I'm trying to help somebody because I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: control some experience, whether it's the experience that I'm having

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Speaker 1: or the experience they're having, or the experience I think

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Speaker 1: that I think people are going to want to have

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Speaker 1: and help isn't bad, but often we need to make

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Speaker 1: sure that the person wants our help and the person

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Speaker 1: is asking for our help before we just go in

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Speaker 1: there and do all of the things. So there's mine.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to read some that you guys sent me.

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Speaker 1: This isn't all of them, because you sent me a lot.

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Speaker 1: I will try to post some of the other ones

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Speaker 1: on Instagram so you guys can see a bigger list,

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Speaker 1: because this would go on forever if I've read them all,

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Speaker 1: So let's try to get at least like, let's say fifteen. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So the first one is you can change the people

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Speaker 1: around you, but you can't change the people around you,

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Speaker 1: which is so true and so helpful. I wortant to

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Speaker 1: remember when we are trying to I mean, even going

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Speaker 1: back to what I just said, I want to help

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Speaker 1: somebody to change their experience or crntroll their experience. But

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Speaker 1: we don't have the ability to change people. We have

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Speaker 1: the ability to change who we surround ourselves with, and

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Speaker 1: that is a power that I think we really underutilize sometimes.

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Speaker 1: Another one was that you can love someone without them

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Speaker 1: being in your life, which is a very hard concept

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Speaker 1: for a lot of people understandably, so because we think

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Speaker 1: loving people often means I am there for them, I'm

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Speaker 1: supporting them physically emotionally, when I can love a lot

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Speaker 1: of people that are no longer every day or even

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Speaker 1: non frequent parts of my life. Number three, maybe you

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Speaker 1: are just tired, which actually came up a lot in

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Speaker 1: different people said it in different ways, But I think

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Speaker 1: that's so important that sometimes the most important things that

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Speaker 1: we hear is, hey, maybe something's not wrong with you.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you're just tired. It reminds me of something I

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Speaker 1: saw on Instagram a long time ago where a therapist said, hey,

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Speaker 1: if this feels really hard, it's because it is, not

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Speaker 1: because you're doing it wrong. In the same realm, maybe

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Speaker 1: you're just tired. Maybe there's not something wrong with you

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Speaker 1: and you don't have enough energy or this or that.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you've just worked a lot and you need to rest.

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Speaker 1: Number four stop expecting you from other people, which is

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Speaker 1: one of my favorite things to say, and also remind myself.

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Speaker 1: Number five, when you know better, you do better, which

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Speaker 1: is so valuable to keep at top of mind because

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Speaker 1: often when we learn something, it reminds me of our

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Speaker 1: conversation we had with Shanna Neequist when she came out

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Speaker 1: with her book last year. When you learn something and

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Speaker 1: you're like, oh, I should have done that, or why

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Speaker 1: didn't I know that? Or I should have been more

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Speaker 1: proactive or whatever, Well, now we know and now we

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Speaker 1: can change our behavior. But until we know something, you

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Speaker 1: can't know something. So when you know better, you'll do better.

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Speaker 1: Number six. What other people think of you as none

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Speaker 1: of your business, which is something that I also love

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Speaker 1: and something that a supervisor told me in the beginning

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Speaker 1: of my career as a therapist that I will never forget,

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Speaker 1: especially when it comes to being a therapist. Often in

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Speaker 1: the early stages and it also later. It always can

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Speaker 1: be part of the process. We care about what clients

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Speaker 1: think about us because we're humans, and it is been

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Speaker 1: really helpful to remind myself what my clients think about

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Speaker 1: me really often is none of my business. Number seven.

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Speaker 1: I actually added this one because it is something that

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Speaker 1: that same supervisor also said to me, that told me

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Speaker 1: about what other people think about you as none of

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Speaker 1: your business, and it is other people's chaos is not

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Speaker 1: your emergency, which something I have to come back to often.

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Speaker 1: Other people's chaos is not your emergency. It might feel

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Speaker 1: like it they might try to make it feel like it,

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Speaker 1: but the chaos other people are creating in their life

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Speaker 1: that maybe is how they get people to meet their needs.

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Speaker 1: That is not an appropriate way to ask for a

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Speaker 1: need being met is not always our emergency. It doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean we have to completely ignore it, but we don't

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Speaker 1: have to put our whole lives on hold to attend

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Speaker 1: to chaos that somebody else created that might have nothing

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Speaker 1: to do with us.

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Speaker 2: Number eight, I didn't cause it.

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Speaker 1: I can't control it, and I can't cure it, which

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Speaker 1: that is so good, and I want to like write

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Speaker 1: down my office wall somewhere. Number nine. You don't have

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Speaker 1: to say it failed. It just came to an end,

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Speaker 1: which can be applied to so many things, relationships, jobs.

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Speaker 1: Maybe we're trying something new, maybe we tried out for something.

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Speaker 1: Maybe we started something, decided we didn't like it anymore.

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Speaker 1: Like you don't have to say this thing failed. It

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Speaker 1: just ended and things come to an end. That's part

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Speaker 1: of life. Number ten, I'm glad that you're mad. I

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Speaker 1: would be concerned if you weren't. Oh my gosh, we

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Speaker 1: have been sold this lie. A lot of us have

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Speaker 1: been sold this lie. That anger is something that is

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Speaker 1: bad or wrong or on a try active or whatever

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Speaker 1: you name it something negative and the truth is a

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Speaker 1: lot of things that happen. Anchor is an appropriate response to.

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Speaker 1: It's a justice emotion. It allows us to know our worth.

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Speaker 1: And if people don't get mad when they're mistreated or

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Speaker 1: somebody is mistreated or something like that happens, that's more

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Speaker 1: worrisome than them having a feeling about something that only

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Speaker 1: makes sense to elicit a feeling. Number eleven. You can't

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Speaker 1: expect someone to react how you want them to. They

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Speaker 1: react how they know how so good twelve. Finding meaning

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Speaker 1: doesn't bypass pain. You have to feel it to heal it,

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Speaker 1: which a lot of times we think if we find

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Speaker 1: them meaning to something, then like, oh this will be over.

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Speaker 1: I can move on now and everything will feel better.

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Speaker 1: I can find meaning of something happening, maybe something that

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Speaker 1: is causing me grief or just something I didn't like

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Speaker 1: that happened in my life.

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Speaker 2: I can understand it.

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Speaker 1: It still might offer me some feelings that I don't like,

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Speaker 1: and we have to actually feel and acknowledge those things

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Speaker 1: in order to heal and move forward.

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Speaker 2: Number thirteen. Sometimes we sit in chosen confusion, which for

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Speaker 2: a lot of people.

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Speaker 1: That one is a hard pill to follow, and you

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Speaker 1: really have to have a good rapport with your client

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Speaker 1: to be able to bring that up because it's often

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Speaker 1: met with a little bit of defensiveness. But oftentimes we

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Speaker 1: are confused by things and we don't understand things because

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Speaker 1: we're choosing to not understand them, because if we understand them,

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Speaker 1: then that means that we have to take responsibility for something.

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Speaker 1: We have to make it change, we have to make

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Speaker 1: a decision, and you know a lot of times we

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Speaker 1: don't want to do that. We want the responsibility to

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Speaker 1: be on somebody else. Number fourteen, It's okay to be

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Speaker 1: where you are right now. I think this is so

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Speaker 1: important to hear sometimes because it feels like a lot

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Speaker 1: of times stability doesn't feel stable to people. We need

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Speaker 1: to always be improving, We always need to move forward.

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Speaker 1: We always need to be going after that next thing,

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Speaker 1: and if we're not doing that, it feels like we're

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Speaker 1: going backwards. Sometimes it's okay to be We don't always

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Speaker 1: have to be chasing the next dream or working on

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Speaker 1: the next skill. We're allowed to sit in something for

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Speaker 1: a period of time, which is really difficult for a

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Speaker 1: lot of people, but it is okay to be where

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Speaker 1: you are right now. And my last one, I want

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Speaker 1: to give a couple more, but I'm going to fifteen

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Speaker 1: I said I would do fifteen. Unclear is unkind? Clear

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Speaker 1: is kind? And that's something I've heard Brene Brown talk

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Speaker 1: a lot about, and it's a really interesting concept because

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Speaker 1: often we want to muddy the waters when we're giving

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Speaker 1: feedback to somebody, but that is confusing and not chosen confusion,

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Speaker 1: it's just confusing. And so when we can be more

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Speaker 1: clear about our needs our feedback, we don't have to

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Speaker 1: say it in a mean way, but saying something clearly

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Speaker 1: and not aggressively is very kind rather than trying to

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Speaker 1: serve them hieroglyphics, because we don't want to hurt their feelings. Also,

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Speaker 1: we don't know what their emotional capabilities are, and it's

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Speaker 1: not our job to manage those if they're not our children, especially,

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Speaker 1: So clear is kind, unclear, is unkind?

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Speaker 2: All right?

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Speaker 1: So I actually also sent another message, because you guys

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Speaker 1: gave me so many good messages. When I put that up,

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Speaker 1: is I put another question box in there that said,

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Speaker 1: what's one of the worst things that your therapist has

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Speaker 1: said to you? Which is a little bit more difficult

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Speaker 1: to really decipher. And some of them just are like

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Speaker 1: incredibly horrible, and I'm like, oh my gosh, what how why?

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Speaker 1: What was going on in that therapist day? And some

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Speaker 1: of them are just not helpful. Some of them it's

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Speaker 1: like the thing they're saying might not be wrong, but

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Speaker 1: maybe they said it at the wrong time. So I

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Speaker 1: might do another episode that dives more into that, because

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Speaker 1: it's not as.

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Speaker 2: Black and white, not that this is black and white,

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Speaker 2: but it's not as right or wrong, good or bad.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes it just is like timing or the way we

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Speaker 1: said it, or maybe the therapist said one thing but

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Speaker 1: you heard another, which happens a lot. So I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: do something else, well else with those responses. But if

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Speaker 1: you have any good things or bad things, things you

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Speaker 1: like to think you didn't, continue, to send them to me,

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Speaker 1: because I'm going to post those on my Instagram so

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Speaker 1: you guys can see all the ones that I didn't

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Speaker 1: say in this episode, because I think it would be

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Speaker 1: fun for all of us to benefit from our collective

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Speaker 1: therapy experiences.

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Speaker 2: So that's going to do it for me today.

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Speaker 1: I hope you guys are having the day you need

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Speaker 1: to have as always, if you want to follow us

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Speaker 1: at cat dot Dofada at You Need Therapy Podcasts and

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Speaker 1: my practice at Three Chords Therapy. If you have any questions, feedback, comments,

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Speaker 1: you can send them Katherine at You Need Therapy Podcasts

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Speaker 1: and I will talk to you guys again on Monday