Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. The FDA has announced that
Speaker 1: there is a nationwide shortage of adderall So if you
Speaker 1: don't have a genuine need for it, please save it
Speaker 1: for anyone who has a legitimate prescription. And if you
Speaker 1: do have a prescription, now is the time to sell
Speaker 1: it at school kids, catch in make that money. In
Speaker 1: international news, the superstar K pop band BTS has announced
Speaker 1: that its members will soon begin reporting for mandatory service
Speaker 1: in the South Korean military. Yeah, which is great news
Speaker 1: for South Korea because the army is basically unstoppable. Now
Speaker 1: there's no army in the world that it's gonna take
Speaker 1: a shot at these guys. Are you kidding me? Who's
Speaker 1: gonna be stupid enough take a shot? Everyone's a fan
Speaker 1: enemy sold Is are gonna be like I just got
Speaker 1: stapped by Jim. This is the last best day of
Speaker 1: my life. Oh. In tech news, Kanye West announced today
Speaker 1: that he is going to buy the right wing social
Speaker 1: media platform Parla because quote he wants to make sure
Speaker 1: we have the right to freely express ourselves. And thank God,
Speaker 1: because I've been waiting to hear Kanye is unfiltered thoughts
Speaker 1: on things like you just never get to hear that,
Speaker 1: you guys, ever hear of anything else to say? So shy,
Speaker 1: so shy. All right, Let's move on to some of
Speaker 1: the biggest stories of the day, starting as we so
Speaker 1: often do, with Donald Trump. And I know, I know,
Speaker 1: I know. When Trump is in the news, it's usually
Speaker 1: because he was caught doing more crimes. But this time
Speaker 1: it's also because of that. The man loves to crime.
Speaker 1: What can I say? So let's find out about his
Speaker 1: latest one in our ongoing segments, America's most tremendously wanted.
Speaker 1: Do you ever remember that? After he left the White House,
Speaker 1: Trump creates his own social media app called truth Social,
Speaker 1: which is basically just Twitter up but for white supremacists.
Speaker 1: And before you say, wait on the white supremacist already
Speaker 1: on Twitter, yes, but on truth Social they're verified now,
Speaker 1: believe it or not. Believe it or not. There might
Speaker 1: also be a dock side to truth Social. A whistleblower
Speaker 1: is now accusing former President Trump's social media company of
Speaker 1: violating federal securities laws. Will Wilkerson is a former executive
Speaker 1: at Trump Media and Technology Group, which launched the truth
Speaker 1: Social platform. He tells The Washington Post the Trump's company
Speaker 1: tried to raise capital by making fraudulent misrepresentations about its finances.
Speaker 1: The SEC is now investigating. The co founder told The
Speaker 1: Washington Post the former president and asked one executive to
Speaker 1: relinquish shares in the company to former First Lady Milannia
Speaker 1: Trump and had him removed from the board of directors
Speaker 1: when he refused what Donald truth Social media platform was
Speaker 1: reportedly engaged in shady financial gimmicks. How it's called truth Social.
Speaker 1: I don't know what to believe anymore, you know. One
Speaker 1: of the most interesting allegations is that he tried to
Speaker 1: bully one of his board members into giving his shares
Speaker 1: to Milannia, which is just so romantic. Yeah, ladies, find
Speaker 1: you a man who will commit securities vote for you?
Speaker 1: Are you kidding? You have to admit the shares in
Speaker 1: truth Social are a weird gift. You know. It almost
Speaker 1: sounds like Trump didn't remember until the last minute. It
Speaker 1: was just like, of course, I remembered your birthday, Millannia,
Speaker 1: I got you. I got truth Social ers. Surprise, surprise,
Speaker 1: finally love it and also the time I'm wearing. The
Speaker 1: funny thing is truth Social is such a failure of
Speaker 1: a company that she probably doesn't even want the shares.
Speaker 1: You know. It's almost like when your kids give you
Speaker 1: that that gift, but it's just like a piece of
Speaker 1: macaroni art for your birthday. You know. She was probably
Speaker 1: just like, oh so cute. Do you think this is
Speaker 1: worth something? Thank you? Donald? Now, just to be clear,
Speaker 1: Just to be clear, though, I am totally on Trump's
Speaker 1: side in this story. Yeah. Yeah. It's if you go
Speaker 1: into business with Donald Trump and you are surprised that
Speaker 1: you got scammed, that's on you. What were you thinking, Well,
Speaker 1: I know the last guy that Trump worked almost got
Speaker 1: hanged by an angry mob. But I think I'm gonna
Speaker 1: turn out fine. I don't know what can go wrong.
Speaker 1: Iver wal can go wrong. So let's move on from
Speaker 1: Donald Trump to this year's hot new mini Trump, Herschel Walker,
Speaker 1: Georgia Senate candidates, and closed captionings Worst Nightmare. There are
Speaker 1: a lot of controversies swirling around Walker. His attack on
Speaker 1: absentee parents despite being one, his opposition to abortion despite
Speaker 1: allegedly paying for one, his attempts to become a senator
Speaker 1: despite not knowing how many states America has, and then
Speaker 1: his first debates over the weekend, Walker tried to clear
Speaker 1: up one controversy with a little prop comedy. At a
Speaker 1: debate Friday night, herschel Walker responded to accusations that he
Speaker 1: has pretended to be a police officer by flashing what
Speaker 1: appeared to be a fake badge, and you know what's
Speaker 1: so funny, I am with many police all members. In
Speaker 1: a new interview, the former football star says the badge
Speaker 1: is real. He says he got it from the sheriff
Speaker 1: of Johnson County, Georgia. Walker clarified it's an honorary badge.
Speaker 1: The National Sheriff's Association said an honorary badge quote is
Speaker 1: for the trophy case. Why make the decision true? You know,
Speaker 1: I don't know what's crazier in the story, the fact
Speaker 1: that this man lied about being in law enforcements, or
Speaker 1: the fact that he pulled out a fake badge during
Speaker 1: a debate during a debate, all the fact that after
Speaker 1: the Sheriff's Association said that his badge is just an
Speaker 1: undery one, he said, no, they're wrong. That's only wrong.
Speaker 1: That's like it almost makes me wonder how many people
Speaker 1: as herschel Walker arrested. Huh is there someone locked up
Speaker 1: in his basement? Right now. Who's just like, is this
Speaker 1: a real present? There's a foodsball table in here. He's like,
Speaker 1: it's an honorary prison. Does he treat every symbolic object
Speaker 1: like this? People say I'm an absentee father, But if
Speaker 1: that were true, why would I have this world's best
Speaker 1: Dad mug? Huh? Not okay dad, not a good dad,
Speaker 1: world's best dad. That's official. In fact, I have seven
Speaker 1: of these mugs to prove it, and some I haven't
Speaker 1: even received yet. You know, the saddest part of the
Speaker 1: story is that there are people who are gonna believe
Speaker 1: that herschel Walker was in law enforcement because he pulled
Speaker 1: out this badge. This is something I've learned in America.
Speaker 1: People see it, they believe it. It's the same way
Speaker 1: there were people who believed that Trump actually did step
Speaker 1: away from his company just because he posed next to
Speaker 1: a stack of empty folders and like he's lying. People like,
Speaker 1: why would he be lying? He's standing next to empty folders,
Speaker 1: and what would he standing next to even wasn't true?
Speaker 1: Are you next to empty folders? No you're not. But
Speaker 1: it's honorary, Like Tanna Swift Winstance got an honorary doctorate
Speaker 1: from n y U this year. But you don't see
Speaker 1: her in the operating room like, well, killed another one. Hight.
Speaker 1: Let's get lunch and try again later. Guess maybe I'll
Speaker 1: try to brains next time instead of hot stuff. Ah.
Speaker 1: I will say. The one upside of this whole story, though,
Speaker 1: is there is some good news because this means that
Speaker 1: Georgia voters don't even need to elect herschel Walker senator.
Speaker 1: Then you just give him a certificate that says honorary Senator.
Speaker 1: He won't know the difference. I let's move on to
Speaker 1: some criminal justice news right now. A right wing militia
Speaker 1: member named Paul Bella is on trial for hatching a
Speaker 1: plot back in to kidnap the governor of Michigan, which
Speaker 1: means every day the jurors have to look at a
Speaker 1: man accused of an evil, heinous crime. Just imagine that
Speaker 1: every day staring into those eyes. Are you turned on?
Speaker 1: Because apparently someone was well. A juror has been dismissed
Speaker 1: from the trial of three men in connection with the
Speaker 1: plot to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. She was dismissed
Speaker 1: by the judge on Friday after attorneys accused her of
Speaker 1: flirting with one of the defendants. Now, the flirtatious behavior
Speaker 1: was described as non verbal communication in the form of
Speaker 1: eye contact and smiles between the juror and defendant Paul Bellar.
Speaker 1: While the prosecutor originally pointed out the conduct, several others,
Speaker 1: including Bellar's attorney, stated that they had seen interactions between
Speaker 1: the to the judge dismissed the juror out of an
Speaker 1: abundance of caution. God damn. First of all, congrats to
Speaker 1: this woman for finding a new way to get out
Speaker 1: of jury duty. Truly an inspiration for a soul. But
Speaker 1: I have to say, I have to say I'm kind
Speaker 1: of sad that they kicked off the case. Think of
Speaker 1: think of how great it would have been when they
Speaker 1: read the verdict. We the jury sentenced the defendant of
Speaker 1: life with me. I guess the real lesson here is
Speaker 1: that bad boys stay winning. This guy is literally on
Speaker 1: trial for trying to kidnap the governor, huh, and he's
Speaker 1: still getting love. It's always like this, every famous criminal
Speaker 1: has all these groupies are like, is there a Mrs
Speaker 1: Serial Killer? Oh? There was, but you chopped her into
Speaker 1: little pieces. So you're single now, but I would like
Speaker 1: to know how this happened? How did this happen? Because
Speaker 1: when you report for jury duty in America, they make
Speaker 1: you watch a video that expressly tells you what you
Speaker 1: should and shouldn't do. M Please remember, while performing the
Speaker 1: sacred civic duty is important to avoid doing the following things.
Speaker 1: Reading about the case in the news going like this,
Speaker 1: to the defending going like this, to the defending going
Speaker 1: like this to the defendants, thank you for your service,
Speaker 1: and please don't try to smash everyone watches that video.
Speaker 1: How did that happen? Alright? Finally, let's uh, let's talk
Speaker 1: about the latest news in Russia's war with Ukraine. If
Speaker 1: you've been following the war, you know that almost everybody
Speaker 1: has been helping Ukraine fights off the world's worst botox
Speaker 1: customer America sending weapons there, sending financial assistance, England to
Speaker 1: sending Prince Andrew not to help. They just want to
Speaker 1: get rid of him. But it may surprise you to
Speaker 1: know who has been giving Ukraine the Internet service and
Speaker 1: how close it recently came to going away. Elon Musk
Speaker 1: reversing course, the billionaire now says his SpaceX company will
Speaker 1: continue to fund Ukraine's critical satellite service SpaceX is Starlink
Speaker 1: internet service has been a vital source of communication for
Speaker 1: the Ukrainian military during its war with Russia. The reversal
Speaker 1: coming after exclusive CNN reporting that SpaceX sent a letter
Speaker 1: to the Pentagon warning that it may stop funding the
Speaker 1: service unless the US military kicks in tens of millions
Speaker 1: of dollars each month. Musk tweeting this weekend, the hell
Speaker 1: with it, even though starlink is still losing money and
Speaker 1: other companies are getting billions of taxpayer money, We'll just
Speaker 1: keep funding the Ukraine government for free. You know, Elon
Speaker 1: Musk is the only person who can do a good thing,
Speaker 1: but in the bitchiest way possible. You know, it's just like,
Speaker 1: guess I'll just keep help Ukraine for free. Like I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna even try to tell Elon Musk how to
Speaker 1: use his money, but I will tell you this, Elon,
Speaker 1: this is not how you get remembered as an inspiring
Speaker 1: figure in history. All right, you're doing a good thing,
Speaker 1: but then you're saying it like that. Can you imagine
Speaker 1: if Martin Luther King Junior had this attitude when he
Speaker 1: was trying to do his good. I have a dream,
Speaker 1: I guess because I don't see nobody else had in
Speaker 1: the dream, so I guess it's on me. I gotta
Speaker 1: sleep threenty hours a day because these bitch asses don't
Speaker 1: want to come up with dreams of their own. People
Speaker 1: be like Martin, you want to go to the club,
Speaker 1: but I can't. I gotta go home to sleep because
Speaker 1: I gotta have a dream. That's some bullshit, but I
Speaker 1: guess I gotta do it anyway, it wouldn't be the same.
Speaker 1: Can I tell you what I think happened? Ye, what
Speaker 1: I think happened here is Elon musk own opportunity to
Speaker 1: be the good guy and make a lot of money,
Speaker 1: give the Ukrainians internet, but then over time have the
Speaker 1: American government step in and pick up the tab. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but because they said no, now he's stuck. He is
Speaker 1: keep losing money or be the asshole who cut off
Speaker 1: Ukraine's Internet. And I know some people think Elon is evil,
Speaker 1: but he's not Cable company evil. Come on, and I
Speaker 1: actually get Elon's frustration because think about it. Think about it.
Speaker 1: Weapons manufacturers on donating missiles to Ukraine. The US government
Speaker 1: is paying them, So Elon is going, well, why shouldn't
Speaker 1: I get paid? And also, like everyone else, I'm sure
Speaker 1: Elon didn't expect the war to go on for this long.
Speaker 1: You know. It's sort of like when you hold the
Speaker 1: door open for someone, right, but then other people keep
Speaker 1: walking through the door, so you're holding the door for
Speaker 1: twenty minutes and finally you let go, and then it
Speaker 1: slams some old lady in the face. He's like, are
Speaker 1: you broke my nose? And then your boss runs up.
Speaker 1: He's like you're fired, and you're like, I don't even
Speaker 1: work here. He's like, not with that attitude, you're don't
Speaker 1: And now you're an asshole and you're unemployed just because
Speaker 1: you're trying to be nice. TikTok has officially announced that
Speaker 1: users will now be able to run live streams for
Speaker 1: adults only. But before you get excited, the app says
Speaker 1: that nudity and sexually explicit content will still be prohibited,
Speaker 1: which like, what what what's adult themed if it's not
Speaker 1: sex and nudity? And I was just like, who's ready
Speaker 1: to watch me refinance my mortgage? The interest rates are
Speaker 1: so huge right now. I don't think I can afford
Speaker 1: to live in my house. Anymore. In international news, Japan's
Speaker 1: oldest toilets, which was five years old, was destroyed when
Speaker 1: a man accidentally backed his car up over it. You know,
Speaker 1: I've heard about people trying to cover up what they
Speaker 1: did in the bathroom, but this is doesn't take me.
Speaker 1: It a step too far. It's also amazing how putting
Speaker 1: the word oldest suddenly gravita us to something that none
Speaker 1: of us actually care about. He broke the toilet, so
Speaker 1: it was the oldest toilet. Oh no, I need to
Speaker 1: call my mom. And by the way, if you're wondering,
Speaker 1: the oldest toilets in New York City is the subway.
Speaker 1: In some consuming news, uber eats has announced that they
Speaker 1: will start delivering weed in Toronto, Canada, which has amazing
Speaker 1: Yeah we delivery. What a game changing service that no
Speaker 1: one has already been using forever, especially under the name
Speaker 1: repair guy on my phone. Wow. All right, let's move
Speaker 1: on some of the biggest stories of the day. We
Speaker 1: are now in the home stretch of the midterm campaign season,
Speaker 1: which means it's almost that time of the year when
Speaker 1: you wake up on that one special morning in November
Speaker 1: and you're like, oh, ship, I forgot to vote yesterday
Speaker 1: and just three weeks ago. This is the last chance
Speaker 1: for the candidates and the shadowy billionaires who fund them
Speaker 1: to make their case to the voters. And as always,
Speaker 1: they're making that case through campaign ads. In fact, a
Speaker 1: record nine point seven billion dollars worth of ads. So
Speaker 1: if you live in a string state, basically every ad
Speaker 1: you're seeing on TV right now is a campaign ad.
Speaker 1: By the time November comes around, you're gonna be praying
Speaker 1: to see the ads that you used to hate. No more, please,
Speaker 1: I just want to know in Toyota thought it's on
Speaker 1: please now. I don't need to tell you guys, but
Speaker 1: political ads in America can get pretty wild. They really can.
Speaker 1: And as the country becomes more and more polarized, the
Speaker 1: type of political ads that come out become more and
Speaker 1: more intense. So I figured, let's enjoy some of the
Speaker 1: latest blockbusters in another installment of Vote Demmic. Let's start
Speaker 1: our ad watch with the Republicans now. For this election,
Speaker 1: they want everything to be focused on three issues inflation, crime,
Speaker 1: and pretending they didn't hear that thing Trump just said.
Speaker 1: So they've been running ads emphasizing these issues. You know,
Speaker 1: some of them have been so too, but Louisiana sentence
Speaker 1: to John Kennedy has decided that subtle is not his style.
Speaker 1: Violent crime is surging in Louisiana. Woke leaders blame the police.
Speaker 1: I blame the criminals. My mom should not have to
Speaker 1: look over her shoulder when she's pumping gas. I voted
Speaker 1: against the early release of violent criminals, and I opposed
Speaker 1: defunding the police. Look, if you hate cops just because
Speaker 1: of the cops, the next time you get in trouble,
Speaker 1: call a crackhead. I'm John Kenny, and I approved this message. Okay, alright, alright.
Speaker 1: First of all, nobody's gonna call a crackhead. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: text a crackhead. This is a crazy way to frame
Speaker 1: things though, Right, He's like, violent crime, call crack hair.
Speaker 1: The Senate is acting like cop and crackhead are the
Speaker 1: only two options. That's it. What about social workers? What
Speaker 1: about mental health experts, what about heroin addicts. There's all
Speaker 1: ranged people. It's also weird for a guy who's been
Speaker 1: in office for six years to complain about crime and
Speaker 1: then campaign on it. I find that a little strange.
Speaker 1: He's like, ever since I got in the office, crime
Speaker 1: has exploded. Reelect me so I can figure out what's
Speaker 1: got on all because I like, I don't know where
Speaker 1: this logic goes, right, Because no matter what happens, Republicans
Speaker 1: always want more cops. Crimes up, we need more cops.
Speaker 1: Crimes down, We need more cops. Like, what the plan
Speaker 1: just to keep hiring until the entire population is just cops? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that way, I got an eye on me. Yeah. Maybe
Speaker 1: the solution is just to hire crackheads as cops. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because first of all, they're always there when you need them.
Speaker 1: And say what you will about cops versus crackheads, but
Speaker 1: at least the crackhead is not going to plant crack
Speaker 1: on you. They're keeping it for themselves. It works out.
Speaker 1: I know it might be a little crazy, but you're
Speaker 1: gonna admit a crackhead detective show that sounds like a
Speaker 1: great idea for a c s I spinoff. The victim
Speaker 1: is on the table next to the flowers that he
Speaker 1: bought for Valentine's Day. I guess that means it's time
Speaker 1: to go smoke some crack good climate now. Obviously, Democrats
Speaker 1: have a whole different set of issues that they want
Speaker 1: to emphasize. Voters don't trust them on the economy or
Speaker 1: inflation right now. So the Dams want this election to
Speaker 1: be about things like climate change, protecting democracy, and pretending
Speaker 1: that they didn't hear the thing that Joe Biden just said.
Speaker 1: But the main issue Democrats are running on is reproductive rights,
Speaker 1: and California Congressman Eric Slowell just put out one of
Speaker 1: the most hardcore campaign ads you've ever seen, though, Larry Anderson. Yes,
Speaker 1: I have a warrant for your arrest, arrest for what
Speaker 1: unlawful termination of a pregnancy. You gotta be kidding me
Speaker 1: that that is my personal business. That's for the courts
Speaker 1: to decide. Man. Your medical records have been subpoenaed and
Speaker 1: Dr Landry's already in custody. No, thank god, you can
Speaker 1: you do? You can't. We'll have to submit to a
Speaker 1: physical examination. What Brian? No? No, what's touches? Put your
Speaker 1: hands behind your back up? I love you there. We're
Speaker 1: just enforcing the law here. Elections have consequences. Vote Democrat
Speaker 1: on November eight. Holy shits, that was intense. You don't
Speaker 1: usually expect a campaign ad to turn into an episode
Speaker 1: of Black Mirror? What was that like? I actually feel
Speaker 1: bad for the shows that had to come back from
Speaker 1: that ad. Break did you see that was? Why is
Speaker 1: this happening? Mom? You'll never see your mother again? Now?
Speaker 1: And now back to young Sheldon. Look, it is wild.
Speaker 1: It is wild how overturning Row has upended society so
Speaker 1: much that now white women can be as scared of
Speaker 1: the police as black people are. And yes, and yes,
Speaker 1: this ad is obviously exaggerating things to make a point,
Speaker 1: but it is true that in any states in America,
Speaker 1: cops could show up at your door if you had
Speaker 1: an abortion. They could arrest you, and they could force
Speaker 1: you to have a physical examination. I mean, ironically, it's
Speaker 1: probably the only free healthcare you'll ever get in America.
Speaker 1: And so look, I know, I know that the ad
Speaker 1: was a little heavy, so I thought, you know, let's
Speaker 1: lighten things up with the with the local campaign ad
Speaker 1: for Linda Paulson out of Utah. Now you probably look
Speaker 1: at this picture and you think there's no way this
Speaker 1: little old lady could spit fire over a dop't wrap me. Well,
Speaker 1: guess what you're right, hey, YouTube District twelve. Listen up
Speaker 1: right here, there's a new name on the ballot for
Speaker 1: the Senate this year. I'm pro religious free The pro life,
Speaker 1: pro police, the right to bear arms, and the right
Speaker 1: to free speak. But in schools they are pushing for
Speaker 1: new beliefs. And just to clarify, that's a female adult.
Speaker 1: I know what a woman is. If you share my values,
Speaker 1: if you like what I stand for, then give me
Speaker 1: your vote on the eighth of November. District twelve needs
Speaker 1: a choice. Let me be your voice. Linda Poulson Linda
Speaker 1: Poulson for Senate. I I don't exactly know how, but
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure that was racism. I don't know how. Okay,
Speaker 1: I don't know. If you don't know if you noticed that?
Speaker 1: Did you? Do you notice that at some point the
Speaker 1: beat stopped, but it stuffed itself like she was so
Speaker 1: off beat. It's almost like the beat was like, am
Speaker 1: either one missing up? But wait, do you know I'm here?
Speaker 1: What is happening? Yeah? Gangster rap Linda. Unfortunately, after recording
Speaker 1: that track, Linda was hit in the drive by shooting. Yes, tragic,
Speaker 1: but when you're in the game, you're in the game
Speaker 1: all the way. Give's my question. Gives my question who
Speaker 1: is this fall? Who is this at Fall? Right? Because
Speaker 1: she is a conservative Republican in Utah, nobody who supports
Speaker 1: her likes rap, and nobody who likes rap is gonna
Speaker 1: see this video and be like, man, I wasn't gonna
Speaker 1: vote for Republicans, but her flu just can't be denied. Beat.
Speaker 1: And by the way, if you are a politician who
Speaker 1: insists in rapping in a campaign video, can you at
Speaker 1: least try wrapping in a style from this century? Huh?
Speaker 1: I'm Lynda de Polson and I'm here. Just your ship
Speaker 1: is called in, Miss Paulson, get with the times. I'll
Speaker 1: tak your like. Use the trap beats at least. In fact,
Speaker 1: the trapp beats is actually better for politicians because nobody
Speaker 1: can understand what you're saying. You can just dodge any
Speaker 1: moments at any debate or any reporters can just be like, Senator,
Speaker 1: what is your position on cutting medicare? Well, here's what
Speaker 1: I do. Sit him back bottom and heat kind of
Speaker 1: having them. We need get him my back. And I
Speaker 1: think that answers your question. I hope the me you
Speaker 1: know what I was thinking, is like when you think
Speaker 1: about it, Joe Biden has basically been doing trapped music
Speaker 1: this whole time. Remember here, come on, man, remember there.
Speaker 1: The NFL has announced that, for the first time ever,
Speaker 1: the league will schedule a game on the day after
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving a k A. Black Friday. Yeah, and I'm surprised
Speaker 1: that they're doing this because I thought that the NFL
Speaker 1: would be busy on Black Friday scouting Walmart for new talents.
Speaker 1: You know that Grandma would just tackle that kid. Let's
Speaker 1: get our a two year deal. Also, I love how
Speaker 1: the league made this big announcement, like it's a genius idea. Wow,
Speaker 1: football on a Friday. Yeah? It football put on any day.
Speaker 1: It works. It's football. It's like oh Sex on a Tuesday. Yeah,
Speaker 1: brilliant idea. It's good whenever, don't overthink. It's. In money news,
Speaker 1: the U S Mint is about to release new quarters
Speaker 1: featuring actress Anna May Wong, the first Asian American to
Speaker 1: ever appear. Yeah, which, which is great news for representation
Speaker 1: and great news for bad tippers. It's gonna be like
Speaker 1: you only took me a quarter. It's like, wow, Okay,
Speaker 1: I didn't know I was dealing with a racist. Which quarter.
Speaker 1: In international news, British Prime Minister Liz Truce is now
Speaker 1: officially the lowest polling prime minister in British history and
Speaker 1: is now in danger of losing her job after only
Speaker 1: six weeks. Yeah. When asked for comments, she said, any
Speaker 1: woman can break the glass ceiling. I'm proud to have
Speaker 1: shouts at the glass flow. Alright, let's move on to
Speaker 1: some of the biggest stories of the day, starting with
Speaker 1: the Girl Scouts of the USA, you know, the Sineloa
Speaker 1: cartel of baked goods. After years of struggling with falling
Speaker 1: membership and sinking revenues, one Girl Scout has stepped in
Speaker 1: with the ultimate good deed. The Girl Scouncil of the
Speaker 1: USA just received their largest donation ever by a single person.
Speaker 1: Billionaire philanthropist Mackenzie Scott just donated eighty four and a
Speaker 1: half million dollars to the organization. The Girl Scouts leadership
Speaker 1: says that the money will help them recover from the
Speaker 1: pandemic which drove down membership. Scott has donated some twelve
Speaker 1: billion dollars to charities since Wow Wow. Thanks to Mackenzie Scott,
Speaker 1: the Girl Scouts are now bawling out of control, which
Speaker 1: is great. It really is great because the Girl Scouts
Speaker 1: do an amazing job of training a new generation of leaders,
Speaker 1: providing a community. Although I will say they've got to
Speaker 1: be careful because this kind of money could easily change
Speaker 1: your vibe. Yeah, this year they're earning badges for computer
Speaker 1: coding and rock climbing. Next year it's gonna be badges
Speaker 1: for crystal popping and tax evasion. Because we like Meredith
Speaker 1: for discovering that the Cayman Islands are superior to Panama.
Speaker 1: Where warn you this? Obviously I'm joking. I'm joking. All right,
Speaker 1: the girls gonna be selling cookies. They's gonna be doing
Speaker 1: it out of the back of a bent lee. Now,
Speaker 1: just like buy them or not. We don't carry the
Speaker 1: way you broadcast bit and ask for McKenzie starts. How
Speaker 1: can you not love this woman? Huh, because she's exposing
Speaker 1: what billionaires don't want you to realize. That billion is
Speaker 1: always like, if you raise my taxes even a little bit,
Speaker 1: how will I have the money to feed all of
Speaker 1: my private jets? But think about Mackenzie Scott has only
Speaker 1: been a billionaire for three years and she's already given
Speaker 1: away ten billion dollars more than her ex Jeff Bezos
Speaker 1: has given away to still life. And get this, and
Speaker 1: get this, she's still a billionaire. Don't forget that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it just goes to show how much good you can
Speaker 1: do when your main priority isn't going to space in
Speaker 1: a giant metal penis there are things you can do anyway.
Speaker 1: Let's move on. Let's move on to some big sports news.
Speaker 1: For decades, boxing dominates the world of prize fighting. Then
Speaker 1: M m A came along with the roundhouse kick and
Speaker 1: became a worldwide phenomenon. And now we might be witnessing
Speaker 1: the birth of a new era slap fighting. It's become
Speaker 1: a viral sensation over the past few years, and now
Speaker 1: UFC president Data White is starting a league. He got
Speaker 1: approval yesterday for it to be a licensed athletic competition
Speaker 1: in Nevada. His Power Slap League will be regulated by
Speaker 1: the Nevada State Athletic Commission. And as you can guess,
Speaker 1: slap fighting features two competitors across from one another, throwing
Speaker 1: slaps with open hands to each other's faces. The sport
Speaker 1: has been around for several years, but never regulated until now. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right. Slapping is about to become an official sports
Speaker 1: and those big dudes might be the champs for now,
Speaker 1: but it's only amount of time before the sports is
Speaker 1: dominated by immigrant moms. The coach, coach. You know, I
Speaker 1: don't know about you. I don't know about you, but
Speaker 1: I am excited to see how the Nevada Athletic Commission
Speaker 1: plans to regulate the rules of the sport, Like are
Speaker 1: you allowed to flinch? You know? Can I use my
Speaker 1: moves from school? Is Will Smith the reigning champ? Is that?
Speaker 1: How it? You know? You know what I would propose.
Speaker 1: I would propose to make the sport more exciting. You know.
Speaker 1: Having wrestling they trash talk right to get people going,
Speaker 1: and then in boxing they do the way in where
Speaker 1: they challenge each other and say things. What they should
Speaker 1: do for slap fighting is they should have each fighter
Speaker 1: say something first that warrants them getting slapped, you know,
Speaker 1: just like I never liked your mother's cooking. And by
Speaker 1: the way, by the way, I like that there are
Speaker 1: more and more sports that divorced men can excel at
Speaker 1: getting slapped eating one hot dogs? You basically two weeks
Speaker 1: away from there being a sport that's just sleeping on
Speaker 1: your friends, pull out couch right, just four days and
Speaker 1: he's still on the count. People. This is why he's
Speaker 1: the goat. Can you say this and before you one
Speaker 1: of those people who's like, you know, this is a
Speaker 1: bizarre idea for a sport. Is it really a sport?
Speaker 1: Every sport sounds ridiculous when you first hear about it,
Speaker 1: all right, I mean it's not a real Every sport
Speaker 1: is not a real sport. Pick any sport, any sport
Speaker 1: like Nascar. Huh. Imagine that first conversation. So we're all
Speaker 1: gonna drive really fast in a big circle. Yeah yeah,
Speaker 1: but what if I lose control and crash into the wall. Well,
Speaker 1: that's what we're all hoping for. Right, And finally, everyone
Speaker 1: knows that the Internet has made shopping easier than ever.
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes I get packages without even ordering. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, sure, they accidentally put the boxes on my
Speaker 1: neighbor's stupid. It's free. I can't complain. But this year,
Speaker 1: this year, it looks like online shopping will be a
Speaker 1: little less easy than before. Its holiday shopping season approaches,
Speaker 1: you may find something a little bit different this year.
Speaker 1: Returning gifts may not be so easy or cheap anymore.
Speaker 1: Buyers beware, free returns may soon be a thing of
Speaker 1: the past. The cost of returns is becoming so astronomical
Speaker 1: for retailers. Right now, they have no choice but to
Speaker 1: pass that cost on to the consumer. One reason for
Speaker 1: the new return fees is an increase in what's called bracketing.
Speaker 1: That's when a consumer buys the same clothes in several
Speaker 1: different sizes and colors with plans to return what they
Speaker 1: no longer want. The National Retail Federation reports two D
Speaker 1: eighteen billion dollars worth of online purchases were returned in
Speaker 1: That is more than double the amount in. As a result,
Speaker 1: some major retailers are now adjusting their return policies, including
Speaker 1: H and M, which is now testing a return fee
Speaker 1: in certain places. No no, no, no, no, no. How
Speaker 1: to charge people for returns. If I want to make
Speaker 1: a rash decision on a whim and then change my mind,
Speaker 1: I shouldn't have to pay a price for it. That's
Speaker 1: the whole point of America. I thought, this great nation
Speaker 1: is about you make decisions. I think I'd look good
Speaker 1: in this jacket, you know what. Never mind, I think
Speaker 1: i'd look good in Iraq? You know what? Never mind?
Speaker 1: And you know who I blame for this? I blame
Speaker 1: the Democrats. Yeah, they should have cutified the rights of
Speaker 1: free returns when they had a supermajority. You could have
Speaker 1: done it. Nancy, I don't want to lose free internet
Speaker 1: returns because you realize what that means. That means we're
Speaker 1: gonna go have to go back to the old way.
Speaker 1: You remember the old way. If you wanted to return
Speaker 1: the shirts, you'd have to drive all the way to
Speaker 1: the store to wait in line, and then to look
Speaker 1: the cashier in the eye and try to convince them
Speaker 1: that the shirt was already burnt when you bought it.
Speaker 1: But letsiaga made it like this. Actually, you don't you
Speaker 1: know what. I blame the clothing stores for all these
Speaker 1: ns in the first place. Yeah, we wouldn't be forced
Speaker 1: to order all these different sizes if each clothing store
Speaker 1: didn't choose to have their own sizing system. In some stores,
Speaker 1: you're a medium, then you got another store, now you're
Speaker 1: a six. Then in some storts of like if you
Speaker 1: usually a medium, you probably want to go to the lodge,
Speaker 1: then just call it a large. Sizes run small. Then
Speaker 1: why don't you make that a medium? What are you doing?
Speaker 1: Can you imagine if I owned a pizza store and
Speaker 1: you ordered a large pie and then I came out
Speaker 1: with one slice and I was like, oh, yeah, I
Speaker 1: forgot to tell you our pies run small. I bet
Speaker 1: you now that conversation would end with a championship slap five.
Speaker 1: Now that pretty much everyone has gotten through COVID at
Speaker 1: least what's seven times, scientists are wondering what that's doing
Speaker 1: to our bodies, and the answer is not great. We
Speaker 1: have some more concerning news now about the long term
Speaker 1: impact of COVID nineteen as Daddy shows that it speeds
Speaker 1: up aging and epidemia. Leg expert from Washington University in St.
Speaker 1: Louis studied long COVID's impacts on your organs. In his research,
Speaker 1: he noticed patterns indicating the kidneys, the brain, and the
Speaker 1: heart all age faster after about with the virus. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right. Researchers say COVID can cause your organs to
Speaker 1: age faster than you are. I'm not even sure what
Speaker 1: that means. I guess you turn on the TV to
Speaker 1: War's euphoria and your kidneys are like, what about blue bloods?
Speaker 1: Come on, come th real, this is disturbing news. Fights
Speaker 1: in COVID. It's so difficult that it ages your body pots.
Speaker 1: I mean, that is a great excuse for the next
Speaker 1: time you can't perform in bed though, you know, baby
Speaker 1: you gotta understand my penis is like eighty five. And
Speaker 1: this is the scary thing about COVID because it's a
Speaker 1: novel virus. We still don't know what the long term
Speaker 1: side effects might be. And what sucks is that it's
Speaker 1: always gonna be bad. We know it's always gonna be bad,
Speaker 1: like viruses never have good side effects news because I'm
Speaker 1: never like breaking news. We're learning now that now you're
Speaker 1: not off turned people suffering from long COVID got those
Speaker 1: sex cv things hearts not. If we had more time,
Speaker 1: we could talk about the long term strain COVID is
Speaker 1: going to put on the medical system, or how weird
Speaker 1: organs are in general, like why don't we have so many?
Speaker 1: Why don't we just have one big one that runs everything.
Speaker 1: But we can't get into that important medical discussion because
Speaker 1: while COVID keeps coming up with new ways to attack
Speaker 1: our bodies, the virus of Russia Vladimir Putin has found
Speaker 1: new ways to attack Ukraine well. Tonight, the third of
Speaker 1: Ukraine is without power after Russia destroyed power stations in
Speaker 1: the last eight days. President Zelinski says Russia has thrown
Speaker 1: the country into massive blackouts and is urging his nation
Speaker 1: to brace for a tough winter. For the last month,
Speaker 1: Russia's targeted Ukraine's electricity grid, especially substations that serve as
Speaker 1: junction points between cities. Just yesterday, Russia unleashed these a
Speaker 1: swarm of kami kaze drones to dive bomb energy facilities
Speaker 1: throughout the city. Yeah. After being beaten back by Ukraine's
Speaker 1: forces on the round, Putin has now resorted to using
Speaker 1: kama kazi drones. Caddy bitch. And you know, if this
Speaker 1: doesn't prove that Putin strategy is failing, nothing will because
Speaker 1: you never need to use kama kazi when you're winning.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like anytime you see someone rushing somewhere
Speaker 1: with the hands full of paper towels, you know things
Speaker 1: are not going according to plan. Pull shit phit phit,
Speaker 1: phit phit. And by the way, also, can we stop
Speaker 1: calling them kamakazi drones If it's not a person inside,
Speaker 1: it's not kamakazi, all right, that's just ghost writing the whip.
Speaker 1: And kamakaze is from Japan, So this is a war
Speaker 1: crime and cultural appropriation. So you canceled that at me
Speaker 1: a Putin. Yeah, let's see if Twitter will do what
Speaker 1: the u N could not. By the way, an interesting
Speaker 1: detail in the story is that Russia had to buy
Speaker 1: these drones from Iran, which kind of makes you question
Speaker 1: their military might. You're supposed to be one of the
Speaker 1: most powerful militaries in the world, but you ran out
Speaker 1: of ship already. Like you realize, America never runs out
Speaker 1: of weapons. Never. America has so many weapons. Sometimes it
Speaker 1: will sell weapons to countries that is going to fight
Speaker 1: just to make space. You know, We're like, all right here,
Speaker 1: you going rack, all right now, let's do this now.
Speaker 1: If we had more time, we could talk about how
Speaker 1: Russia's access to weapons from other countries reminds us that
Speaker 1: the global sanctions aren't as global as we think because
Speaker 1: they stileft ties to Asia, South America and the Middle East. Oh,
Speaker 1: we could talk about how this Ukraine war is completely
Speaker 1: derating much as Ukraine, but also Europe's economy and their
Speaker 1: energy supplies. But we don't have the time to get
Speaker 1: into that because while Ukraine is in turmoil, there's another
Speaker 1: country in Europe that somehow it's an even more of
Speaker 1: a ship situation today, Great Britain. And that's one story
Speaker 1: we definitely need to make time for breaking across the
Speaker 1: pond a political earthquake. Just forty four days. That is
Speaker 1: how long Prime Minister Liz Trust was in office before resigning.
Speaker 1: Just in the last few hours. I recognize though, given
Speaker 1: the situation, I cannot deliver the mandate on which I
Speaker 1: was elected by the Conservative Party. This makes Trust now
Speaker 1: the shortest serving Prime minister in three hundred and one years.
Speaker 1: God damn Britain. Another prime minister, Another prime minister, and
Speaker 1: this one when we lost at forty four days. Boris
Speaker 1: Johnson had COVID parties that were longer than that. You
Speaker 1: realize how hard is to get tired of somebody this quickly.
Speaker 1: Usually politicians get a period of time where you like
Speaker 1: them first and then you hate them. But Britain hated
Speaker 1: Liz Trust basically from day one. Imagine being on a
Speaker 1: first date. On a first date with someone and they're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm so sick of all your ship but we just met.
Speaker 1: It's like, I know, and I'm suffocating. Actually, if this
Speaker 1: was a relationship, I feel like at this point Britain's
Speaker 1: friends will be sitting down with it, like, listen, honey,
Speaker 1: you've been through four prime ministers in six years. They
Speaker 1: can't all be the problem. I'm just saying, maybe it's
Speaker 1: time to turn the vote of no confidence on yourself.
Speaker 1: In fact, for the next prime minister, maybe maybe the
Speaker 1: UK take things a little slow. Yeah, this is chaos.
Speaker 1: For the next one, maybe maybe don't put a label
Speaker 1: on it has so much pressure that prime minister may
Speaker 1: maybe just have them be the person who lives at
Speaker 1: ten Downing Street. In fact, you don't even live there,
Speaker 1: just sleep over here and there, you know. Yeah, then
Speaker 1: maybe leave a toothbrush behind, you know, and then then
Speaker 1: they get a draw for their clothes. And then when
Speaker 1: you're sure that this is the prime minister for you,
Speaker 1: then you bring them to meet your friends at the
Speaker 1: G seven how about that, you know, and they're like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: we're a thing. Now we're a thing. Oh and by
Speaker 1: the way, remember the reason Liz Trust lost her job
Speaker 1: is because she came into office making worse decisions than
Speaker 1: a company social media manager. During Black History Month. Terrible
Speaker 1: budget plans, firing finance ministers, going back on her own policies,
Speaker 1: sending the queen to meet Jesus. Things were going so badly,
Speaker 1: so badly, that the British press trolled her with vegetables,
Speaker 1: in a sign of just how tenuous her standing was
Speaker 1: and perhaps how brutal UK politics can be. A British
Speaker 1: newspaper began tracking ahead of Lettuce to see if the
Speaker 1: embattled trust would last longer than the produce and it did.
Speaker 1: Oh that's humiliating. That is human. Imagine being so bad
Speaker 1: at your job that you lose a joke contest. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because at first people are like, ha ha I bet
Speaker 1: she can't last longer than a head of Lettuce. And
Speaker 1: then by the end but they were like, should the
Speaker 1: let us be prime minister? And maybe the letters will
Speaker 1: be the only one that wants the job, because right
Speaker 1: now Britain's Parliament sounds more chaotic than a family reunion
Speaker 1: at herschel Walker's house. Yesterday was a shambolic day for her.
Speaker 1: We heard earlier in the day that her interior minister,
Speaker 1: the Home Secretary Soweller Braveman, had resigned over an issue
Speaker 1: over improper use of her emails, and then later in
Speaker 1: the day we heard that she had in fact been fired.
Speaker 1: And then there was a vote in the House of
Speaker 1: Commons which descended into chaos. Some lawmakers alleged that government
Speaker 1: officials were actually physically pushing them, intimidating them into making
Speaker 1: decisions that they wouldn't otherwise have made. One lawmaker even
Speaker 1: alleged that some MPs were crying in the toilets of
Speaker 1: the House of Commons. What a ship show? Did you hear?
Speaker 1: That people were shoving each other, crying, swearing, quitting and quitting.
Speaker 1: Sound was like the whole government turned into a high
Speaker 1: school drama club rehearsal. I mean members of Parliament were
Speaker 1: crying in the toilet, multiple members of parliaments like how many?
Speaker 1: What was there? Align? You know, because people like, oh,
Speaker 1: you almost done in there, you almost start. Other people
Speaker 1: are waiting to cry too. You know, it's coming out, Harry,
Speaker 1: it's coming out. It's actually too bad that this happened
Speaker 1: in Britain and not in Japan, because you know, at
Speaker 1: least Japanese toilets so advanced they can they can probably
Speaker 1: actually help and console you. You know, you're doing the
Speaker 1: best you can. Thanks Toto, I remember remember what happened
Speaker 1: last time. Don't just shut up that big You're not helping,
Speaker 1: you know the craziest part, the craziest part of this
Speaker 1: whole story is that Liz Trust only became prime minister
Speaker 1: because Boris Johnson was embroiled in so many scandals that
Speaker 1: he was forced to resign. That's the only reason she
Speaker 1: got the job. So you'll never guess who might be
Speaker 1: replacing her. The big issue though, for the Conservative Party
Speaker 1: and for this country is that no one really knows
Speaker 1: who's going to be able to replace her. There are
Speaker 1: a number of names in the mix, including I have
Speaker 1: to say, Boris Johnson, who's currently on holiday and on
Speaker 1: vacation at the moment. In the Caribbeans, there are a
Speaker 1: number of Conservative Party members who are calling for Boris
Speaker 1: Johnson to return to the helm. I went to my
Speaker 1: constituency at the weekend and the strong message that I
Speaker 1: got was bringing back Boris Johnson. Some supporters and some
Speaker 1: allies of Boris Johnson say that he may throw his
Speaker 1: name into the ring, which would be pretty remarkable since
Speaker 1: he was forced out by a scandal just six or
Speaker 1: seven weeks ago. Oh that's right, people, Old Boris Johnson
Speaker 1: is looking pretty good right now, isn't he not. Physically?
Speaker 1: Of course, physically he looks like a Pomeranian who got
Speaker 1: stuck in a dryer. Politically, though, people, is not bird.
Speaker 1: He's an honest question though, Britain are you Are you
Speaker 1: guys really gonna put Boris back in office? Boris scandals Johnson.
Speaker 1: There is nobody else who could do this job, nobody
Speaker 1: in the entire country. And what about Paddington? Everybody loves him, Yeah,
Speaker 1: but that voice. He could even have bad policies, no
Speaker 1: one would care. I want to burn all the migrants,
Speaker 1: you crazy tyrants. Now. Look, if we had more time,
Speaker 1: we could try and figure out Britain's next top minister,
Speaker 1: or we could place bets on how long they would last.
Speaker 1: But we don't have the time because we have to
Speaker 1: go to an ad bray that is probably gonna last
Speaker 1: longer than Liz Trust. Before we go, I just wanted
Speaker 1: to remind you please consider supporting the Violence Intervention Program
Speaker 1: in New York City. They work within Latino communities to
Speaker 1: end domestic and sexual violence by providing emergency shelter, advocacy
Speaker 1: for long term economic stability and healing for survivors and
Speaker 1: their children. So if you want to support their work,
Speaker 1: then please donate at the link below. What's the daily
Speaker 1: show weeknights Central, Learned, Comedy Central, in stream food episodes
Speaker 1: anytime on Paramount plus MH This has been a Comedy
Speaker 1: Central podcast