1 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I don't welcome to Stephane. 2 00:00:08,039 --> 00:00:19,520 Speaker 1: Never told your protection of I Heart Radio. Okay, So 3 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:21,560 Speaker 1: before we get into this one, it comes with a 4 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:25,159 Speaker 1: massive content and trigger a warning because we're gonna be 5 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:29,520 Speaker 1: talking about sexual sob and some like really, in my opinion, 6 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:34,000 Speaker 1: painful self esteem issues. And I hate that this is 7 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:36,600 Speaker 1: coming out on like a holiday weekend here in the 8 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:41,360 Speaker 1: United States, but that's just how it happens to be 9 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,839 Speaker 1: because this has been something on my mind lately because 10 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:49,320 Speaker 1: through this pandemic, Samantha and I we've been very open 11 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:54,320 Speaker 1: about continuing to process trauma, and especially when it comes 12 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:58,360 Speaker 1: to having a lot of time by yourself and being 13 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 1: mindful and asking questions as to why are you not 14 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:06,080 Speaker 1: coping with something well, or why do you continue to 15 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:10,880 Speaker 1: do this even though you're removed from people like you're 16 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:14,640 Speaker 1: by yourself and you continue to do these things. So 17 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:18,240 Speaker 1: I will say this episode isn't really researched, just from 18 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:22,040 Speaker 1: a lot of personal experience, and because of that, I 19 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:24,880 Speaker 1: asked that you give us grace because it's gonna be 20 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:31,480 Speaker 1: kind of a raw personal discussion and I think we 21 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:34,760 Speaker 1: could expand upon it in a full episode. But I 22 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:38,520 Speaker 1: just wanted to talk about it. But definitely, if you 23 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:42,280 Speaker 1: are not in a good place, I would skipped leet. 24 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,400 Speaker 1: So we're talking about this idea that we'll hear a 25 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:51,960 Speaker 1: lot in the media when it comes to sexual assaults. So, yes, 26 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:56,400 Speaker 1: we're going to be talking about sexual assault around especially women. 27 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,960 Speaker 1: Um that she wasn't pretty enough to assault, she was 28 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:05,240 Speaker 1: not pretty enough to rape. I would I being the 29 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:09,040 Speaker 1: man here, I would never have done that. She's not 30 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:12,560 Speaker 1: pretty enough. And we hear that in our media and 31 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:17,840 Speaker 1: in news stories pretty frequently. And you know, I hate 32 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:19,840 Speaker 1: to bring him up, but Donald Trump is a great 33 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:24,959 Speaker 1: offender because he said a similar thing when women accused 34 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,840 Speaker 1: him and he was like, have you seen her? I 35 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:32,680 Speaker 1: would never And I actually think that should be something 36 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:36,440 Speaker 1: we tease out later in a future episode, because to me, 37 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:40,360 Speaker 1: that feels like a real posturing thing of these guys 38 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 1: who think they only want this image of you know, 39 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: traditionally beautiful models going after them anyone else like I 40 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:55,520 Speaker 1: would never touch them because they're beneath me. But I 41 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:59,160 Speaker 1: wanted to talk about this because it sounds so stupid. 42 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 1: But I just got stuck in my head about shaving. 43 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:13,160 Speaker 1: Why do I keep shaving, and I mean during quarantine, 44 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,679 Speaker 1: like before I got it, like, you know, maybe I 45 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:20,480 Speaker 1: didn't like it, but I I felt like I should 46 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,520 Speaker 1: do it, and I didn't really hate it, Like I 47 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:26,480 Speaker 1: kind of liked the feeling of shaving. It wasn't necessarily 48 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:32,000 Speaker 1: totally society telling me it, although there's definitely aspects of it. 49 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,720 Speaker 1: But I liked it. But then during quarantine, it kept 50 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,880 Speaker 1: coming back to me, like why are you shaving? You're 51 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:41,320 Speaker 1: not going out, And I just it brung to me 52 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 1: clear as a bell this one day, like in case 53 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:48,600 Speaker 1: you get raped, and it was just like this awful, 54 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:55,840 Speaker 1: awful thought. But when I was fourteen and this happened 55 00:03:55,840 --> 00:04:00,840 Speaker 1: to me, where i'd been, like, I think the line 56 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:03,440 Speaker 1: of defining rape is very messy. But when I had 57 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:09,200 Speaker 1: like my first you know, vaginal penis rape, that was 58 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,080 Speaker 1: the first thing I thought was it couldn't be happening 59 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,400 Speaker 1: because I was not pretty enough for this to happen 60 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:19,479 Speaker 1: to me. And I remember what I was wearing, and 61 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,479 Speaker 1: I thought it was so doofy, like it was this stripes, 62 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,880 Speaker 1: like pink and purple striped pajamas and I was wearing 63 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:30,240 Speaker 1: this like old white staying sports spraw and it felt 64 00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:33,680 Speaker 1: so fat and chabby, and I just like, I thought 65 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,480 Speaker 1: this could not be happening to me because you are 66 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:42,799 Speaker 1: not pretty enough. There's no way anyone I would want 67 00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:51,119 Speaker 1: that with you. And obviously that's messed up. It's really 68 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:56,200 Speaker 1: messed up. And I remember being high school, which is 69 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:59,679 Speaker 1: whenness was all happening, and I was in eleventh grade. 70 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:04,800 Speaker 1: We read a street car named Desire and if you 71 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:09,120 Speaker 1: haven't read that, essentially hinges on like a sexual assaults. 72 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:13,719 Speaker 1: And my teacher, who was not as being like really 73 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:21,040 Speaker 1: strict and you know, tough, she was asking, you know, 74 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:24,719 Speaker 1: what we thought about that scene and why we thought 75 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:29,839 Speaker 1: it happened. And somebody in class, like I think it 76 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,760 Speaker 1: was a dude, said, you know, I don't know, because 77 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:37,000 Speaker 1: she wasn't pretty enough. She wasn't pretty enough. And my teacher, 78 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:38,920 Speaker 1: I remember her saying, like, if you think rape is 79 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:43,120 Speaker 1: about beauty, then you misunderstand the whole situation. It is 80 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:49,040 Speaker 1: about power. And I was shocked, like just totally shocked. 81 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,120 Speaker 1: That wasn't my understanding of it. And that's such a 82 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:55,280 Speaker 1: horrible thing to think, Like, that's horrible to think like 83 00:05:56,760 --> 00:06:00,479 Speaker 1: beautiful people are going to be the one seget right 84 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:07,440 Speaker 1: let's awful, Like it's awful so many levels, but it's 85 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,440 Speaker 1: just that's what I thought, and I still struggle with 86 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:16,240 Speaker 1: it and it's awful. But back when I was going 87 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:19,080 Speaker 1: through this abuse, that's what I would think, is like 88 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:21,040 Speaker 1: I need to shave, or I need to look better 89 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:25,320 Speaker 1: because these guys are gonna come and rate me. But 90 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 1: I need to look good because I thought that was 91 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 1: like my value. And even though I didn't want this 92 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:36,560 Speaker 1: or it wasn't an experience that I asked for or enjoyed, 93 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:42,800 Speaker 1: I wanted them to think I looked good. And I 94 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:47,880 Speaker 1: just don't know. It's it's such a powerful, a powerful 95 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:50,479 Speaker 1: thought that it's like still with me, and it's like 96 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:54,680 Speaker 1: those everyday things you know, like shaving, this is why 97 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:58,720 Speaker 1: you're doing it in case on case happens again that 98 00:06:58,839 --> 00:07:02,480 Speaker 1: I'm already preparing and the back of my head in 99 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:09,880 Speaker 1: case it happens again, oh god, oh my god. But 100 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,040 Speaker 1: I've also been thinking about that, like it's silly. But 101 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,160 Speaker 1: when I talked about like my fan fiction in my 102 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:17,800 Speaker 1: Cinnamon roll and I want you to be happy Cinnamon role, 103 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,560 Speaker 1: and I said, like a lot of things I read that, 104 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,120 Speaker 1: I talk it up. I talk a big game. They're 105 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:28,440 Speaker 1: so sad. I think that's if I described it to you, 106 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,840 Speaker 1: it might not seem so sad, but it's that level 107 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:37,480 Speaker 1: of low self esteem. It's that level of I'm not 108 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:45,560 Speaker 1: worth protecting your not this, but my whole My whole 109 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:50,480 Speaker 1: value is my beauty. So even if I don't want this, 110 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,840 Speaker 1: I'm gonna look as good as I can while I 111 00:07:53,920 --> 00:08:00,160 Speaker 1: do it, or what happens, which is a danger here. 112 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,400 Speaker 1: This is the danger when we talk about not having 113 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:11,080 Speaker 1: sex aid or putting beauty above everything and sexual desirability 114 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:15,720 Speaker 1: of everything for women. Is this, Like, it just makes 115 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:19,520 Speaker 1: me really upset that there are all these narratives around 116 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:26,560 Speaker 1: value when it comes to women and we're not giving 117 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:32,040 Speaker 1: we're not giving young women tools are even just like 118 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 1: worth to say no, Like I thought this might be 119 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:42,720 Speaker 1: how relationships were, and I thought, like I should want it. 120 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,959 Speaker 1: I try to convince myself I should want it. It's 121 00:08:46,040 --> 00:09:04,920 Speaker 1: just makes me really a great You should And I 122 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:09,360 Speaker 1: know I've been very silent in letting you tell the 123 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,719 Speaker 1: story because it is important, and also it's important that 124 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,679 Speaker 1: you're able to hash all of us out and obviously 125 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:19,400 Speaker 1: it's a gift for the listeners as myself that you 126 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,960 Speaker 1: are entrusting us with this information, So thank you for that. 127 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:28,719 Speaker 1: And I don't want to at all UH takeover or 128 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:34,760 Speaker 1: take away from the trauma, the anxiety, and the processing 129 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:38,920 Speaker 1: of all of this, obviously, because it is important and 130 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,400 Speaker 1: it is something absolutely correct to say that victims U 131 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:46,640 Speaker 1: and survivors were not given these tools. But these conversations 132 00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:52,000 Speaker 1: are constant conversations of how you're misleading many of the 133 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:58,960 Speaker 1: young people who truly don't understand the dangers of these 134 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:03,240 Speaker 1: conversations and the depth of even the diet conversations that 135 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 1: we've had, where you see mothers in front of their 136 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:09,000 Speaker 1: daughters talking about their value being their looks and their 137 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:12,080 Speaker 1: diets and their bodies, and why that is dangerous and 138 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:15,439 Speaker 1: so therefore if they don't fit that image, then they 139 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:19,040 Speaker 1: are not worthy of protection or worthy of being seen. 140 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,520 Speaker 1: And I think that's what happens too often, where we 141 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:28,400 Speaker 1: ignore those conversations and don't realize you've made a foundation 142 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:34,200 Speaker 1: a very unstable, very dangerous grounds for UH women and 143 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:37,800 Speaker 1: for oftentimes victims not being able to say what happened 144 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:40,480 Speaker 1: was wrong, not even recognizing what happened was wrong, and 145 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:45,839 Speaker 1: how traumatizing that alone is compounded into so many more 146 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:50,360 Speaker 1: larger conversations and again, yeah, being triggered with things that 147 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:55,320 Speaker 1: you're technically groomed by. This is whether you thought it 148 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,400 Speaker 1: was in your head or whether it was maybe a 149 00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,600 Speaker 1: small thing or a small word or and like a 150 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:04,800 Speaker 1: passing word during one of your times a trauma, during 151 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:08,400 Speaker 1: your actual situation that you were groomed to think, this 152 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:10,360 Speaker 1: is what you had to be, and this is what 153 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,559 Speaker 1: you need your appearance to be. And yeah, that I'm 154 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,679 Speaker 1: you're supposed to be appreciative because someone's paying attention to you, 155 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:21,920 Speaker 1: even though this is painfully obvious that it is abuse 156 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:27,600 Speaker 1: and a violation of your being, like your happiness, your trust, 157 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:33,400 Speaker 1: your ability to live happy and fulfilled life, and they 158 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:37,240 Speaker 1: have taken that away from you by those conversations. And 159 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,320 Speaker 1: that's the other part to that, this whole I don't 160 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:43,160 Speaker 1: believe you both that comes to it is because it 161 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:46,199 Speaker 1: is a power play of who can get away with 162 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:51,320 Speaker 1: what essentially and what these horrible people perpetrators have done 163 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:54,200 Speaker 1: and what we've allowed to be done and said as 164 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:58,280 Speaker 1: as normal. And that's the most horrific part of it 165 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:02,600 Speaker 1: all is that, honestly, for the longest time, the most smartest, 166 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,640 Speaker 1: intelligent people you've ever met do not realize that they 167 00:12:05,679 --> 00:12:10,400 Speaker 1: have been victimized. And because that in itself makes you angry, 168 00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:13,280 Speaker 1: you don't want to admit it. And so it compounds 169 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,960 Speaker 1: that other explanation of not want to say, hey, it's 170 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,760 Speaker 1: not our fault, it's there's but because once again we 171 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:25,160 Speaker 1: want to hide it, the shame factor makes it even 172 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:33,320 Speaker 1: a bigger mess in general, and it's so heartbreaking in 173 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,800 Speaker 1: every way because there's no end in sight. There's no 174 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:42,760 Speaker 1: end insight as we continue to see trials and cases 175 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:47,960 Speaker 1: and incidents and even abortion laws. That has absolutely everything 176 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,000 Speaker 1: to affect this. This, this has a part of that 177 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:53,840 Speaker 1: conversation of how you see us, how you see a person, 178 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:57,520 Speaker 1: where the uterus, what you see our value in, how 179 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:01,199 Speaker 1: little we matter, that's what you just hold us because 180 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:04,680 Speaker 1: you do not recognize us as humans and individuals. This 181 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,640 Speaker 1: is that dangerous conversation where my value is whether or 182 00:13:08,679 --> 00:13:11,800 Speaker 1: not I'm worthy to be taken advantage of or worthy 183 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:16,839 Speaker 1: to be protected. And it's disgusting in every level because 184 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,560 Speaker 1: that's what we also see when we talk about you know, 185 00:13:19,559 --> 00:13:22,840 Speaker 1: when you were talking about your triggers being the shaving, 186 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:26,480 Speaker 1: which is significant, which is a significant tail like it's 187 00:13:26,679 --> 00:13:29,800 Speaker 1: it's like, Okay, you brought a moment that I'm betting. 188 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,319 Speaker 1: There's so many more out there who have incidents similar 189 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:35,920 Speaker 1: to you not betting. I know because we've talked about it, 190 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,880 Speaker 1: Like I've talked about it with other women. I've talked 191 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:41,280 Speaker 1: about with other survivors. I've talked about it. My own 192 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,800 Speaker 1: triggers are similar, things like this the smells and or 193 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,960 Speaker 1: something that I did that I will never do again, 194 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,280 Speaker 1: or something that I remember that I was like, what 195 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,720 Speaker 1: did I do whatever? But for me, a part of 196 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:54,760 Speaker 1: that is being told because of my race, that I 197 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,839 Speaker 1: either deserve something or don't deserve something, even to the 198 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,720 Speaker 1: point that when I was molested, even though there were 199 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,160 Speaker 1: someone close to me, they were able to separate me 200 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:07,559 Speaker 1: out because I wasn't really one of them. So he 201 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,440 Speaker 1: can protect his own but I'm not really one of 202 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:13,319 Speaker 1: them that that level of conversation, and again, therefore I'm 203 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:18,160 Speaker 1: secondary and unworthy of protecting as well as Yeah, that's 204 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,120 Speaker 1: what they're used for. They're just for my use in 205 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:25,120 Speaker 1: the story. And that's that whole other conversation that we 206 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,560 Speaker 1: are not bringing forward when we talk about again, I 207 00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:31,000 Speaker 1: keep going back to the abortion law about why this 208 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:34,560 Speaker 1: is violating and why it's dangerous. It's not just many 209 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:36,800 Speaker 1: people are going to die because I can't get access 210 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,160 Speaker 1: to reproductive care when you to talk about that, but 211 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,320 Speaker 1: more so that you have put a standard on women 212 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,920 Speaker 1: once again or those who have uterus, is that your 213 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,680 Speaker 1: value is your body and therefore you are of nothing. 214 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 1: You have nothing of worth outside of that. And what 215 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,240 Speaker 1: you we're protecting is not you as a human but 216 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:57,640 Speaker 1: what it could come out of you. And that again 217 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:01,560 Speaker 1: with that same level of not understanding what rape is about. 218 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:05,080 Speaker 1: Rape is not about being attracted to someone. Rape is 219 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:09,640 Speaker 1: about power. Rape is about dismissing someone else's humanity because 220 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,480 Speaker 1: you think you have the right or you don't give 221 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:16,080 Speaker 1: it about others in a story because you have feel 222 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:19,320 Speaker 1: like you are able to satiate something that will be 223 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:24,360 Speaker 1: fleeting in the end because you take on this level 224 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:28,400 Speaker 1: of I own you. And that's that conversation of this 225 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:32,320 Speaker 1: is the same mentality that is happening with these laws 226 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:35,640 Speaker 1: and why we are upset. This is why we cried 227 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:40,680 Speaker 1: with the Supreme Court, this is why we cried in election. 228 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:43,920 Speaker 1: This is the fear that's coming out like that. There's 229 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:50,080 Speaker 1: so many underlying issues of these conversations that continue to 230 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:54,640 Speaker 1: let women and young girls know, and those of any 231 00:15:54,880 --> 00:16:02,680 Speaker 1: marginalized community that their value is minimal compared to this man. Yeah, yeah, 232 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:21,400 Speaker 1: I totally agree. I feel like that's what the feeling 233 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:24,040 Speaker 1: I got was this sort of underlying what I'm talking 234 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:29,600 Speaker 1: about here, is because you know, you try to tell yourself, okay, 235 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,600 Speaker 1: you know, I get that you feel this way, but 236 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:34,600 Speaker 1: it's not the truth. And then you just see these 237 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,000 Speaker 1: instances over and over and you have to be like 238 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:41,080 Speaker 1: reminding yourself over and over in the face of it, 239 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:46,880 Speaker 1: and it just gets exhausting after a while. And it's 240 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,240 Speaker 1: I don't know, when I think of these men like 241 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,880 Speaker 1: who have succeeded and we have done well, who have 242 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,520 Speaker 1: had all these accusations against them, and they've said like 243 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,160 Speaker 1: she wasn't pretty enough, and they say it in such 244 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:05,040 Speaker 1: a way that it's so confident and so not in 245 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:13,160 Speaker 1: my mind and my experience understanding of they're just they're 246 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:17,320 Speaker 1: just like operating on a whole different level of privilege. 247 00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:18,760 Speaker 1: And I am and I know I come from a 248 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:22,119 Speaker 1: lot of privilege, but it's to say that and be 249 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:24,679 Speaker 1: so confident in saying that, like as if it's a 250 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:28,399 Speaker 1: justification for sure, right, Yeah, and it's awful, Like like 251 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,600 Speaker 1: I said, it's awful either way, because I've been thinking 252 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,879 Speaker 1: about this a lot, and the fact that I even 253 00:17:34,359 --> 00:17:38,960 Speaker 1: had that thought is it disgusting. But that's how powerful 254 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,280 Speaker 1: it is. But here's the biggest problem to that is 255 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,560 Speaker 1: not that they're saying it, is that people are buying it, 256 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,320 Speaker 1: and we see it repeated on a constant basis. Yeah, 257 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,080 Speaker 1: to say that I've passed off is an understatement. And 258 00:17:51,119 --> 00:17:53,520 Speaker 1: by the way, this is how I do my tone. 259 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,760 Speaker 1: If people are confused, I get really monotone and quieter. 260 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:00,399 Speaker 1: When I get conferiated, like I'm the quiet to aren't 261 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,640 Speaker 1: that flashes out. But anyway, because I realized my tone 262 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:08,360 Speaker 1: may not match my words completely, I understand. But in 263 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,840 Speaker 1: general that that we have allowed that to be an 264 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:14,439 Speaker 1: excuse and people accepted and even women women have accepted it. 265 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,280 Speaker 1: I've had my mother say like that, where I've heard 266 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:20,639 Speaker 1: her say, yeah, but come on, that girl's fat. He 267 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,719 Speaker 1: could do so much better as if that's the reason. 268 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,800 Speaker 1: And we've heard that with Bill Clinton when they were 269 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:29,399 Speaker 1: defending him with Monica Lewinsky. We know that that's what 270 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,879 Speaker 1: they said. And I remember as a child, and we 271 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,520 Speaker 1: talked about this before being seen that, I'm like, she's 272 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:38,000 Speaker 1: smaller than me, how is she fat? And you know, 273 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,720 Speaker 1: being like the level and that's what I heard. Of course, 274 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,440 Speaker 1: that's what I took away and believed to be true 275 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,440 Speaker 1: as well. So we were absolutely fed that and believed 276 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:50,720 Speaker 1: it because again we are constantly seeing that I've worth 277 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:55,720 Speaker 1: is very minimal. Yeah yeah, and we're yeah, we're hearing 278 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,200 Speaker 1: that and saying that and being fed that and just 279 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:01,880 Speaker 1: from very such a young age each and that that. Yeah, 280 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:05,000 Speaker 1: looking back at Montica Lewinsky specifically, that that was like 281 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:08,360 Speaker 1: the main narrative of like, no, she's too fat. It's 282 00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:12,879 Speaker 1: disgusting and ridiculous and I hate it unless just be honest. 283 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,359 Speaker 1: Hillary Clinton said into that too. She allowed that to 284 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:20,679 Speaker 1: be a running headline. Yeah. So I'm not saying she 285 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:24,360 Speaker 1: did anything wrong necessarily, she wasn't the it was Bill 286 00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:26,879 Speaker 1: Clinton and Bill Clint's fault, but she fed into the 287 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:30,840 Speaker 1: woman against woman narrative in that line as well. M hmm. 288 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,560 Speaker 1: But to be fair, she also got fed to the 289 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:36,439 Speaker 1: wolves things. She was prude and wasn't caring for her 290 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,480 Speaker 1: lastman too, So it was just a whole it was 291 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:46,680 Speaker 1: every exactly. That's a whole different story. We know this, yes, 292 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,879 Speaker 1: and I you know, I wanted to say, like Samantha 293 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:56,239 Speaker 1: and I we bonded over trauma experiences and that was 294 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,280 Speaker 1: what we started our time on this show with. And 295 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,040 Speaker 1: I know we're going to revisit it coming up because 296 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:06,480 Speaker 1: we're kind of reaching an anniversary of sorts. But it 297 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:10,080 Speaker 1: just to say, like, you know, trauma is always continuously processing, 298 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:13,400 Speaker 1: and it's I do feel like I've made a lot 299 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:17,199 Speaker 1: of strides and I've made a lot of progress, but 300 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,879 Speaker 1: you know, you have your bad days and there's still 301 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,520 Speaker 1: things that you're working through, like still realizations like oh 302 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:26,000 Speaker 1: why am I shaving? And then right, and I don't 303 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,520 Speaker 1: want to stop shaving. This is what I hate. Right, 304 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,040 Speaker 1: There's that whole level too, like but if I do this, 305 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,600 Speaker 1: I'm giving into this. But I am I giving into this. 306 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:37,119 Speaker 1: If I don't do this, I don't understand. But on 307 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,000 Speaker 1: top of all of that, I don't want it to 308 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,639 Speaker 1: be said that for you to even get to this 309 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:44,879 Speaker 1: point of rehashing that is a huge leap of progress 310 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:48,120 Speaker 1: and being able to face that, because that in itself 311 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:52,240 Speaker 1: takes a lot just to face it. Of course, and 312 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:55,280 Speaker 1: being vulnerable for our listeners and for me. You know, 313 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,720 Speaker 1: again it is a privilege for us. But I also 314 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:01,239 Speaker 1: know you're deep in therapy and I'm very proud of 315 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,000 Speaker 1: that as well as so the audience knows that as 316 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,399 Speaker 1: she is bringing these instances up, she's not doing it 317 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,679 Speaker 1: in an unhealthy manner. That you have been approaching this 318 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,840 Speaker 1: in a way of trying to heal, and unfortunately, to 319 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:14,760 Speaker 1: heal that means to rip open some old wounds, which 320 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:19,760 Speaker 1: is heavy. Yes, but thank you and thank you for 321 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,920 Speaker 1: for listening. I knew, like I told us Bath before 322 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,080 Speaker 1: we started this, when I was like, I don't know 323 00:21:23,119 --> 00:21:25,359 Speaker 1: how this is going to go, but it's gonna be wrong, 324 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:29,919 Speaker 1: and it was. But we've done it. We've made it 325 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:33,080 Speaker 1: to the end, and I you know, a happy later 326 00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:39,840 Speaker 1: day in the United States and really, really really uh, 327 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:43,920 Speaker 1: I really do appreciate having the space to to talk 328 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,359 Speaker 1: about these things and and all of you listeners are 329 00:21:46,359 --> 00:21:48,600 Speaker 1: always so amazing, and Samantha, You're always so amazing. So 330 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:53,399 Speaker 1: thank you. Thank you, um for being there for me 331 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:58,640 Speaker 1: and for being open with me as well. And as always, listeners, 332 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,080 Speaker 1: you can email us as stephinitely your mom stuff at 333 00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:03,240 Speaker 1: iHeart media dot com. You can find us on Twitter 334 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,359 Speaker 1: at moms to podcast or on Instagram. That Stuff We 335 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:08,680 Speaker 1: Never told You, Thanks as always to our super producer Christina. 336 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,960 Speaker 1: Thank you Christina, and thanks to you for listening. Stuff 337 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,680 Speaker 1: I Never told You. It's a protection about I Heart Radio. 338 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:16,240 Speaker 1: For more podcast from I Heart Radio, Art radio app, 339 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,720 Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.