Speaker 1: Relationships are masterfully designed to annoy us, but that's not
Speaker 1: why you're in a relationship. Bringing awareness to your relationship
Speaker 1: is uncomfortable. We expect love to flow naturally, but this
Speaker 1: is extremely rare and often it means that we're not
Speaker 1: taking on the tougher issues. We need to make mistakes,
Speaker 1: identify what we need to change, and work on doing better.
Speaker 1: This is where we grow as individuals and together. Hey everyone,
Speaker 1: I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a
Speaker 1: really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes
Speaker 1: on Fridays. It's my short daily series on Calm, The
Speaker 1: Daily Jay, and let me tell you, it's unlike anything
Speaker 1: else I'm doing. It's part storytelling, part mindfulness, with a
Speaker 1: wide range of unique, actionable insights, and it's also the
Speaker 1: only place you can meditate with me each and every day.
Speaker 1: I absolutely love all the wisdom was sharing. All the
Speaker 1: lives were changed, and whether you want to improve your mindset,
Speaker 1: your habits, or your relationships, whether you want to work
Speaker 1: on developing more focus, presence or equanimity, building a daily
Speaker 1: Jay routine just seven minutes every day can make a
Speaker 1: huge impact, So make sure to check out the session
Speaker 1: at the end of the podcast, and then subscribe to
Speaker 1: Calm For your daily dose of the Daily Jay. Go
Speaker 1: to Calm dot com forward slash J for forty percent
Speaker 1: off your membership today. This week we're talking about your
Speaker 1: relationships and how to create the most meaningful connections with
Speaker 1: the people that matter to you. Of course, if you
Speaker 1: want to listen to The Daily Jay every day, you
Speaker 1: can go subscribe to Calm. So go to Calm dot com,
Speaker 1: forward slash J for forty percent off your membership today.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to On Purpose. This is your safe space.
Speaker 1: This is your place of comfort, of discomfort, of self
Speaker 1: work and self care with that space that gives you both.
Speaker 1: And you know that because you turn up every day
Speaker 1: every week and I'm so grateful to you. I honestly
Speaker 1: am so deeply grateful to you for all your love
Speaker 1: and all your support and to reciprocate with you today,
Speaker 1: I'm giving you the third chapter of my audiobook, the
Speaker 1: third rule of my new book Eight Rules of Love
Speaker 1: Absolutely Free. So today's episode is called define love before
Speaker 1: you think it, feel it, or say it. And inside
Speaker 1: this book and this audiobook chapter, I'm going to teach
Speaker 1: you how to come up with your own definition of love,
Speaker 1: How to redefine love so that you don't get misled again,
Speaker 1: So that someone doesn't get to manipulate you again, So
Speaker 1: that someone doesn't pretend to give you a relationship and
Speaker 1: a partnership when actually what they want is ownership. How
Speaker 1: often has someone pretended to care for you when really
Speaker 1: they were trying to control you? How many times have
Speaker 1: you felt someone pretending to be affectionate when actually they
Speaker 1: were just trying to be assertive? And so I hope
Speaker 1: that this episode helps you. I hope it helps your friends.
Speaker 1: And for those of you that don't already have the book,
Speaker 1: even though so many of you do already, head over
Speaker 1: to eight Rules of Love dot com. Order the audiobook,
Speaker 1: order the hard copy if you want to hear it
Speaker 1: in my voice. The audiobook is in my voice. I
Speaker 1: know some of you like reading and listening at the
Speaker 1: same time, but you're going to love this episode. Part
Speaker 1: two Compatibility Learning to Love Others. The second arshroom Grihusta
Speaker 1: is the stage of life when we extend our love
Speaker 1: to others while still loving ourselves. This stage introduces the
Speaker 1: challenges of learning to understand, appreciate, and cooperate with another mind,
Speaker 1: another set of values, and another set of likes and
Speaker 1: dislikes on a daily basis. Here we explore the challenges
Speaker 1: of karma. May three Loving others. Rule three, define love
Speaker 1: before you think it, feel it, or say it. My
Speaker 1: boyfriend told me he loved me, and a week later
Speaker 1: he fully ghosted me. I told my partner I loved her.
Speaker 1: She said, thank you. I was dating a girl for
Speaker 1: several weeks. When I told her, I thought I was
Speaker 1: starting to fall in love with her. She said she
Speaker 1: needed more space. We've been together for three years and
Speaker 1: we say I love you before bed, same time every night.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure it means anything anymore. We say I
Speaker 1: love you, or wait for the right time to say it,
Speaker 1: or hope someone will say to us, but there is
Speaker 1: no universal agreement as to what it means. For some
Speaker 1: it means I want to spend the rest of my
Speaker 1: life with you. For some people, saying I you means
Speaker 1: I want to spend the night with you. Between those
Speaker 1: two intentions are infinite. Others and some of us say
Speaker 1: it without any particular intention because in that moment, we
Speaker 1: just feel something we interpret as love. This leaves a
Speaker 1: lot of room for confusion. Miscommunication and false expectations. Writer
Speaker 1: Samantha Taylor says, the first time I told my now
Speaker 1: husband I loved him, we were spending one of those
Speaker 1: long nights on the phone early in our dating relationship,
Speaker 1: back when people actually talked on the phone, delirious with sleepiness.
Speaker 1: I told him that I wanted to tell him I
Speaker 1: loved him, but didn't want to scare him off. Don't worry,
Speaker 1: he told me, Saying I love you isn't a big
Speaker 1: deal to me. I love my mom, I love my friends.
Speaker 1: I love you too great. He loved me like his mom,
Speaker 1: so romantic. He was telling her that his definition of
Speaker 1: I love you was different from hers, broad, low pressure,
Speaker 1: and not particularly romantic. She adds, Fortunately, he must have
Speaker 1: grown to love me in a romantic way, because we've
Speaker 1: been married for almost ten years. We say I love
Speaker 1: you in so many different contexts with family and friends
Speaker 1: and lovers that it doesn't indicate anything but the presence
Speaker 1: of some sort of affection, and yet we have expectations
Speaker 1: based on what we assume it means to the other person.
Speaker 1: I love you doesn't include commitment, It doesn't promise you
Speaker 1: want to have children together. It doesn't guarantee that you'll
Speaker 1: put any effort into making a relationship work. It's a
Speaker 1: beautiful start, not a substitute for many other meaningful conversations.
Speaker 1: A survey showed that men are quicker to say I
Speaker 1: Love you than women, taking an average of eighty eight days,
Speaker 1: a whopping thirty nine percent of them declare their love
Speaker 1: within the first month. Women take an average of one
Speaker 1: hundred and thirty four days, and twenty three percent of
Speaker 1: them declare their love in month one. It's hard to
Speaker 1: imagine that people who feel love within weeks actually live
Speaker 1: up to what their partners think. That statement means. You
Speaker 1: may feel like you know someone because you've spent time
Speaker 1: with them and you like their personality, but you may
Speaker 1: not know their dreams, their values, their priorities, the things
Speaker 1: that matter to them. You think you know their heart,
Speaker 1: but you just know their mind. Love takes time. I'm
Speaker 1: not saying you need to understand someone fully before you
Speaker 1: fall in love. We're always learning new things about our partner,
Speaker 1: but too often we leap to love based on a
Speaker 1: very small amount of information. In any other area of
Speaker 1: your life, it's very unlikely that you make a big
Speaker 1: decision based on such a small amount of information. Love
Speaker 1: is not black and white. You either love someone or
Speaker 1: you don't, and there's only one way to do it.
Speaker 1: Some people renew their vows every ten years, either to
Speaker 1: recommit to love or to express how their love has evolved.
Speaker 1: Some people have long distance love. Some people are friends
Speaker 1: with benefits. Some people get divorced, but they find a
Speaker 1: way to parent together peacefully and comfortably. Recently, a guy
Speaker 1: came up to me at a wedding and told me
Speaker 1: he just got out of a long relationship. He said,
Speaker 1: we love each other, but leaving each other was the
Speaker 1: best way to carry on loving each other. That's love too.
Speaker 1: To discount the many forms of love is to miss
Speaker 1: many beautiful possibilities. Understanding the nuances allows you to define
Speaker 1: and honor the love you have with the person you're with.
Speaker 1: As soon as we say I love you, we're going
Speaker 1: to have to live up to those words, not by
Speaker 1: our definition, but by the definition of the person we love.
Speaker 1: On the flip side, when we accept someone else's love,
Speaker 1: we have to realize that they aren't using our definition
Speaker 1: of love before we decide that we're in love, before
Speaker 1: we tell another person we love them, and before we
Speaker 1: determine what it means when they say those words to us.
Speaker 1: We must consider how we define love. What do we
Speaker 1: expect love to feel like, How do we know we
Speaker 1: love someone? How do we know if they love us?
Speaker 1: The only way to avoid miscommunication is to talk about
Speaker 1: love using far more than those three words. This rule
Speaker 1: will help us figure out what we mean when we
Speaker 1: say I love you, what it may or may not
Speaker 1: mean when our partner says it, and how to find
Speaker 1: a meaning. We can share the four phases of love.
Speaker 1: When we tell each other we love each other. We
Speaker 1: rarely elaborate, unless it's to add a romantic flourish like
Speaker 1: so Much or to the moon and back. It's pretty
Speaker 1: black and white. We've either declared our love or we haven't.
Speaker 1: We don't leave much room for variation or degrees of love,
Speaker 1: but we can take some cues in the practice of
Speaker 1: love from the Bucket Tradition, an eighth century movement in Hinduism.
Speaker 1: Bugty describes the journey of falling in love with the
Speaker 1: divine in stages. The first stage is shudd there where
Speaker 1: we have the spark of faith that makes us take
Speaker 1: interest in the divine. Notice how even when we're talking
Speaker 1: about connecting with the divine. There's a preliminary desire. Curiosity
Speaker 1: and hope drive us to engage. This leads us to
Speaker 1: the next stage Sadu sanga, desiring to associate with spiritually
Speaker 1: advanced persons. Here we find a spiritual teacher, guide, mentor
Speaker 1: who can help us develop our practice. After that is
Speaker 1: budget a career where we perform devotional acts like attending
Speaker 1: services and praying. As our devotion gets deeper, we become
Speaker 1: free from all material attachments anarthanivrathy, achieve steadiness nista in
Speaker 1: self realization, and find enthusiasm roucci for serving the divine.
Speaker 1: This taste leads us to further attachment, which is called baba.
Speaker 1: This is the preliminary stage of pure love of the divine.
Speaker 1: Then finally we reach pure love for the Divine prayme.
Speaker 1: This is the supreme stage of life, where we have
Speaker 1: attained the highest form of a divine loving relationship, unbound
Speaker 1: by or in reverence or any kind of hierarchy. Because
Speaker 1: the Buckti stages of love describe an intimate, direct relationship
Speaker 1: between a person and their God, they can apply in
Speaker 1: many ways to how we love each other. So I
Speaker 1: decided to bring the model down to earth and reinterpret
Speaker 1: it for the practice of understanding and loving another person.
Speaker 1: When it comes to love, we expect that we'll know
Speaker 1: when we know, but our experiences of love can be
Speaker 1: different at different times. The four phases of love I'm
Speaker 1: about to describe can all look like love and feel
Speaker 1: like love, and they are all part of the journey
Speaker 1: of love. How do you know if you're in love
Speaker 1: with someone? Love isn't being called every day, or having
Speaker 1: your chair pulled out for you, or feeling warm and
Speaker 1: fuzzy when you see someone. Love is in a purely
Speaker 1: romantic fairy tale, and it isn't pragmatically checking qualities off
Speaker 1: a list. Looking at these phases helps us understand love,
Speaker 1: differently define love for ourselves, and better articulate our feelings
Speaker 1: of love. At the same time, seeing the levels of
Speaker 1: love helps us understand why our partner might have a
Speaker 1: different concept of love than we do. Knowing what phase
Speaker 1: you're in helps orient you for progress to the next phase,
Speaker 1: and when you can't see yourself getting to the next phase,
Speaker 1: then you might enjoy it for a while, but you
Speaker 1: know that it's not sustainable. We might not progress in
Speaker 1: exactly this order and the rest of this book will
Speaker 1: show you how we cycle back through the phases. This
Speaker 1: is a cycle we will repeat not just with one partner,
Speaker 1: but with pretty much everyone who plays an important role
Speaker 1: in our lives. This is the practice of love one. Attraction,
Speaker 1: two dreams, three, struggle and growth four trust. Phase one attracts.
Speaker 1: In phase one, we feel a spark of intrigue, interest,
Speaker 1: and attraction. This makes us want to figure out if
Speaker 1: someone is worth our time and effort. Researchers describe what
Speaker 1: we call love as three distinct drives in the brain, lust, attraction,
Speaker 1: and attachment. When we move from lust to attraction, we're
Speaker 1: taking the generalized desire to connect with someone and focusing
Speaker 1: it on a specific person. The brain chemicals involved in
Speaker 1: lust differ from those that produce attraction. Lust is governed
Speaker 1: more by testosterone and estrogen, whereas attraction includes dopamine, the
Speaker 1: reward chemical, and no A penephyrine, the brain's version of adrenaline,
Speaker 1: which when combined with dopamine, can generate that feeling of
Speaker 1: euphoria around the target of our attraction. Additionally, levels of
Speaker 1: the feel good hormone serotonin actually drop in this phase,
Speaker 1: which contributes to our feelings of anxiety and passion. In
Speaker 1: the early stages of attraction, we have an exciting surge
Speaker 1: of hope and belief that someone could be the right
Speaker 1: person for us. We feel intrigue and interest. We swipe right.
Speaker 1: Love often starts with this thrilling hint of possibility. It
Speaker 1: means you intrigue me. I want more chemistry like this
Speaker 1: feels amazing. But we should be careful not to think
Speaker 1: that chemistry is the only way love begins, or that
Speaker 1: it is the entirety of love. Time helps you understand
Speaker 1: whether what you're feeling is truly love. Think about what
Speaker 1: it's like when you place an order for a chair
Speaker 1: on a website. It looks good online if it's beautifully
Speaker 1: into a room pictured on your favorite home store site,
Speaker 1: but when it arrives, it isn't comfortable to sit on.
Speaker 1: In attraction, we observe people for how they appear, but
Speaker 1: we don't understand what it's like to have a relationship
Speaker 1: with them. I used to know this guy who came
Speaker 1: up to me every month and told me he had
Speaker 1: fallen in love with another girl, someone he'd bumped into
Speaker 1: or met on Instagram. For a week, he'd be completely infatuated,
Speaker 1: and then a few weeks later it would be someone else.
Speaker 1: In the attraction phase, we have glimpses of love that
Speaker 1: show us its beauty. Lingering in the attraction phase is
Speaker 1: pleasurable with new people. We've carefully exposed what we want
Speaker 1: them to see, our best features. There are few arguments, expectations,
Speaker 1: and disappointments. We can sustain the fantasy of a perfect match,
Speaker 1: but it takes a deeper connection to go beyond phase one.
Speaker 1: Science supports the idea that having deeper connections bodes well
Speaker 1: for relationships. Professor Matteis mel at the University of Arizona
Speaker 1: in Tucson and his team studied whether the conversations we
Speaker 1: have affect our well being. Specifically, they were looking at
Speaker 1: the difference between small talk and having deep, meaningful discussions.
Speaker 1: They had seventy nine participants war recorders for four days
Speaker 1: while they went about their daily lives. The devices were
Speaker 1: designed to record snippets of ambient sound, netting about three
Speaker 1: hundred recordings per participant over the four days. The researchers
Speaker 1: then listened to the recordings and noted when the participants
Speaker 1: were alone or talking with others, and when their conversation
Speaker 1: was superficial. What do you have there? Popcorn? Yummy? Or deep?
Speaker 1: She fell in love with your dad? So did they
Speaker 1: get divorced soon after? The researchers also assessed participants well
Speaker 1: being through a series of statements such as I see
Speaker 1: myself as someone who is happy satisfied with life. They
Speaker 1: found that higher rates of well being were associated more
Speaker 1: with people who had deep conversations than those who made
Speaker 1: more small talk. Going deep isn't a technique. It can
Speaker 1: only be a genuine experience that leads to a true connection.
Speaker 1: But we can examine our own willingness to open up
Speaker 1: and be vulnerable with people as we build trust with them.
Speaker 1: Social scientists say that vulnerability leads to reciprocal escalating self disclosure.
Speaker 1: What this means is that over time, a couple begins
Speaker 1: to reveal vulnerabilities to each other. That's the self disclosure.
Speaker 1: Sharing parts of yourself doesn't mean bearing your whole soul
Speaker 1: all at once. Sometimes when we are caught up in
Speaker 1: the moment, we're tempted to do that. But if we
Speaker 1: gradually unveil our personalities, values and goals, we start to
Speaker 1: see if there is a connection. Letting yourself be vulnerable
Speaker 1: with this intention keeps you feeling protected, like you aren't
Speaker 1: exposed too much, too fast to a person you can't trust.
Speaker 1: If it all goes well, you reveal increasingly intimate facets
Speaker 1: of yourself at a pace where you feel comfortable. That's
Speaker 1: where the escalating comes in, and the disclosure is a
Speaker 1: gift that you give back and forth to each other.
Speaker 1: That's reciprocle. It is with reciprocal escalating self disclosure that
Speaker 1: we start to truly know a person. The three date rule.
Speaker 1: In my experience working with clients, three dates usually provide
Speaker 1: enough time to determine if you and another person would
Speaker 1: be a good match. These three dates don't have to
Speaker 1: be your first three dates, and you don't have to
Speaker 1: do them one after another. You can spread them out.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's nice to just see a movie. In these dates,
Speaker 1: you'll focus on three areas whether you like their personality,
Speaker 1: whether you respect their values, and whether you would like
Speaker 1: to help them achieve their goals. For simplicity's sake, I'm
Speaker 1: going to suggest focusing on these qualities sequentially one per date,
Speaker 1: but you'll probably be uncovering some aspect of each dimension
Speaker 1: during each date. First, we start with personality because it's
Speaker 1: the easiest thing to spot, understand, and connect with. In
Speaker 1: their personality, you'll see how their past has shaped them. Second,
Speaker 1: you'll explore their values, which define who they are today.
Speaker 1: And third you'll try to recognize their goals, which encapsulate
Speaker 1: what they want in the future. Date one do you
Speaker 1: have fun together? Do you enjoy each other's company? Does
Speaker 1: conversation flow? What makes you comfortable and what makes you uncomfortable?
Speaker 1: The first day is to find out if you really
Speaker 1: enjoy each other's personalities. To do so, you need to
Speaker 1: shift between small talk and deep talk. The topics we
Speaker 1: gravitate toward favorite movies or vacation planes don't help us
Speaker 1: know people deeply. Instead, you can start to ask questions
Speaker 1: that inspire both of you to reveal more personal details,
Speaker 1: including your quirks and imperfections. Remember, we share vulnerabilities gradually
Speaker 1: as we get to know and trust each other. So
Speaker 1: on this date your focus is to see if you
Speaker 1: enjoy and appreciate their personality. Try to learn something new
Speaker 1: about them or see a side of them you haven't seen.
Speaker 1: Here are some light questions you can ask on Date one.
Speaker 1: You'll see that they are questions about tastes and preferences.
Speaker 1: They tread in areas where most people are comfortable, but
Speaker 1: they create the possibility to show real passions. When you
Speaker 1: ask someone what the best meal they ever had was,
Speaker 1: the question isn't just about food. It opens up a
Speaker 1: bigger conversation about where and when they had the food
Speaker 1: and what made it special. If you ask what they
Speaker 1: wish they knew more about, you find out about their
Speaker 1: curiosities and unfulfilled interests. If you hit on a strong interest,
Speaker 1: like taste in movies or books, you can dig deeper
Speaker 1: into why they like what they like and find out
Speaker 1: how introspective they are. Even if you think you know
Speaker 1: your partner well, the answers might surprise you. What's something
Speaker 1: you love to do? Do you have a favorite place?
Speaker 1: Is there a book or movie you've read or seen
Speaker 1: more than once. What is occupying your thoughts most at
Speaker 1: the moment. What's something you wish you knew more about.
Speaker 1: What's the best meal you've ever had? This isn't an interview.
Speaker 1: Every conversation has two sides and one aspect of your
Speaker 1: partner's personality. These questions will reveal is whether they're curious
Speaker 1: about you. Do they ask for your own responses to
Speaker 1: these questions and dig deeper when they turn the conversation
Speaker 1: to you. Try this prepare for date one. Take the
Speaker 1: questions I suggested you ask your date and write out
Speaker 1: your own answers to them. What's something you love to do?
Speaker 1: Do you have a favorite place? Is there a book
Speaker 1: or movie you've read or seen more than once? What
Speaker 1: is occupying your thoughts most at the moment. What's something
Speaker 1: you wish you knew more about. What's the best meal
Speaker 1: you've ever had. Once you have your answers, ask yourself
Speaker 1: what they might tell a person about you. Do these
Speaker 1: questions bring up some of your strong interests. Do they
Speaker 1: give you a chance to reveal important aspects of your personality?
Speaker 1: If not, are there other questions that would add those
Speaker 1: questions to the list you bring to your next date?
Speaker 1: Date two? Your date, too, could come after any number
Speaker 1: of dates spent dancing or going to the museums, or
Speaker 1: talking casually over dinner, But knowing that you enjoy the
Speaker 1: same movies or like the same cuisine doesn't really tell
Speaker 1: you if your values are compatible. Gently encourage your date
Speaker 1: to share meaningful stories and details about their life. Take
Speaker 1: turns with these questions and make sure again that it's
Speaker 1: not an interview. In fact, if they hesitate over a question,
Speaker 1: you might say, I know it's a hard question, and
Speaker 1: I'll go first. Your answers can reveal your own values.
Speaker 1: If the question is who's the most fascinating person you've
Speaker 1: ever met, don't just give a name. Say what interested
Speaker 1: you about the person, what you learned from them, or
Speaker 1: what you would ask them if you could meet them again.
Speaker 1: If you're telling a story about something you've done that's
Speaker 1: out of character, then tell them what's in character for you,
Speaker 1: why you hold that value, and what made you diverge
Speaker 1: from it. If they're not immediately open, that's okay. Escalating
Speaker 1: self disclosure is a slow build. Sometimes, when we're ready
Speaker 1: to share, we think it's the right time for them
Speaker 1: to open up as well. But people do this at
Speaker 1: their own pace, in their own time. Ask questions and
Speaker 1: listen carefully to the response to gauge. If the person
Speaker 1: is hesitant, give them openings to change the subject, asking
Speaker 1: is this too heavy a topic or would you rather
Speaker 1: not go here right now? Not only do we want
Speaker 1: to avoid grilling our date, we also don't want to overshare,
Speaker 1: taking up all the oxygen in the room with unsolicited,
Speaker 1: deeply personal stories will only make the person feel overwhelmed.
Speaker 1: Your ability to be vulnerable and open will help them
Speaker 1: be vulnerable and to share what feels comfortable at this stage.
Speaker 1: Here are some uncommon questions you can try out on
Speaker 1: date two that will help you learn what they find interesting,
Speaker 1: how they deal with challenges, what they value, how they
Speaker 1: tolerate risk, and how they make decisions. Who's the most
Speaker 1: fascinating person you've ever met. What's the most out of
Speaker 1: character thing you've ever done or would like to do?
Speaker 1: Have you ever had a big plot twist in your life?
Speaker 1: If you won the lottery, what would you spend the
Speaker 1: money on. What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done.
Speaker 1: What is a tough thing you dealt with in your past?
Speaker 1: What makes you proud? What would you do if you
Speaker 1: had enough money to not need a job. Notice how
Speaker 1: all these questions approach deeper issues without pressure or intensity.
Speaker 1: You're not asking the worst moment of someone's life or
Speaker 1: what their darkest secret is. These questions are framed to
Speaker 1: learn about the other person, but in a playful way.
Speaker 1: Don't treat your opinions as if they're better than your partners.
Speaker 1: They're just different viewpoints that emerge from differents, different experiences,
Speaker 1: different upbringings. Date three. Date three should occur when it
Speaker 1: feels natural to share some of your ideas for the future.
Speaker 1: Just as you don't need to share the same values,
Speaker 1: you don't need to have the same goals. One of
Speaker 1: you might have your whole life mapped out, and the
Speaker 1: other might still be exploring what gives their life meaning.
Speaker 1: On date three, you can try out some deeper questions.
Speaker 1: I'll share some here. Do you have a dream you'd
Speaker 1: like to fulfill one day, a job, a trip, an accomplishment.
Speaker 1: What would you like to change about your life if
Speaker 1: you could meet anyone, who would it be. Is there
Speaker 1: a single moment or experience that changed your life? Is
Speaker 1: there someone you consider to be your greatest teacher? Using
Speaker 1: the information you glean on these three dates, you can
Speaker 1: determine if you like a person's personality, respect their values,
Speaker 1: and want to help them pursue their goals. Notice the
Speaker 1: verbs I chose here. You don't have to have the
Speaker 1: same personality so long as you enjoy each other. You
Speaker 1: don't have to share their values so long as you
Speaker 1: respect them their goals don't even have to be things
Speaker 1: you want or enjoy, But are you interested in having
Speaker 1: these aspects of who they are and who they want
Speaker 1: to be as part of your day to day life
Speaker 1: and coming to pass near or alongside you. Certain goals
Speaker 1: like robbing a bank should be deal breakers. It might
Speaker 1: be that you like them so much that you'd be
Speaker 1: excited to help them with anything within reason that they
Speaker 1: want to pursue, or if their goal is to eradicate
Speaker 1: homelessness in Los Angeles, such a noble goal might in
Speaker 1: itself make them more attractive. Attraction leads to dreams. When
Speaker 1: our attraction to a person continues over time, we start
Speaker 1: to fantasize about the relationship that could develop, what adventures
Speaker 1: we could have with this person, what our life together
Speaker 1: would look like. We find ourselves in phase two Phase
Speaker 1: two dreams. In the second phase of love, many of
Speaker 1: us move fast. Our attraction to this person tells us
Speaker 1: that they might match our dreams, but our dreams can
Speaker 1: cloud our vision of the other person and our own needs.
Speaker 1: In this phase, we strive to dismantle false expectations and
Speaker 1: focus on designing, building, and nurture a strong relationship based
Speaker 1: on realistic expectations rather than intoxicating dreams false expectations. In
Speaker 1: this phase of love, we often have in mind a
Speaker 1: checklist of the qualities our partners should have. Sometimes these
Speaker 1: are very specific and or tied to the opulences successful
Speaker 1: owns a home, likes to watch basketball, is a certain age,
Speaker 1: or a certain level of fitness, is ready to get
Speaker 1: married in the next year. Psychologist Lisa Phirestone says these
Speaker 1: unrealistic expectations are exaggerated by technology. Online dating sites can
Speaker 1: promote the overwhelming notion that there are endless choices in
Speaker 1: the world, leaving some of us to get stuck in
Speaker 1: a cycle of perpetual searching, or what one team of
Speaker 1: research is called relationshopping. We may unintentionally find out ourselves
Speaker 1: seeking perfection or one person who can fill every imaginable
Speaker 1: criterion we've created in our mind or on our profile.
Speaker 1: This list making can turn dreams into requirements. Any potential
Speaker 1: partner will come with the past, challenges, and possibly trauma,
Speaker 1: just as you do. You simply won't find someone who
Speaker 1: ticks every box on your checklist. It's okay for different
Speaker 1: people to fill the different needs on your checklist. Research
Speaker 1: shows that the happiest people have multiple close relationships, so
Speaker 1: whether we're coupled or single, we shouldn't look to any
Speaker 1: one person to meet all our needs. John Cacciopo, a
Speaker 1: neuroscientist who researchs love and affection, told The New York
Speaker 1: Times one of the secrets to a good relationship is
Speaker 1: being attracted to someone out of choice rather then out
Speaker 1: of need. We might also hope that our partner wants
Speaker 1: the same things in life that we do, the same
Speaker 1: standard of living, the same family structure, the same likes
Speaker 1: and dislikes, the same friends, the same notions of how
Speaker 1: money should be saved and spent, the same plans for
Speaker 1: the future in terms of how hard we will work,
Speaker 1: how successful we will be, where we will live, how
Speaker 1: we will handle unexpected challenges, and how frequently we will
Speaker 1: make changes. Even if we don't say this or even
Speaker 1: think it, we subconsciously believe that we must share the
Speaker 1: same values and goals to be in love. When one
Speaker 1: person wants to spend Sunday with their family and the
Speaker 1: other wants to play golf, or he wants to meet
Speaker 1: her friends but she's not ready, they can rashly take
Speaker 1: it as a sign that they're not meant to be
Speaker 1: or later in a relationship. If they don't want to
Speaker 1: move when we do, we might take it to mean
Speaker 1: that they don't love us, And if they don't want
Speaker 1: to get married when we do, we think it's the end.
Speaker 1: It's also not uncommon in this phase to expect our
Speaker 1: partners to read our minds, to understand as soon as
Speaker 1: we speak, and to agree with us. We expect them
Speaker 1: to channel our emotions and desires, to select the gift
Speaker 1: we crave, to intuit how we want to celebrate our birthday,
Speaker 1: what we want for dinner tonight, how much attention we want,
Speaker 1: how much space we need. But creating something together is
Speaker 1: better than wanting the same thing. How you handle your
Speaker 1: differences is more important than finding your similarities. In phase two,
Speaker 1: we ground our dreams in reality by establishing rhythms and
Speaker 1: routines that create the space to nurture the relationship slowly
Speaker 1: and carefully. Rhythms and routines. Instead of chasing the dream
Speaker 1: of what it might be to live happily ever after
Speaker 1: with this person, spend time getting to know them, building
Speaker 1: your connection. Dreams are an illusion. Reality is far more
Speaker 1: interesting in corporate settings, where systems are strong I urge
Speaker 1: leaders to incorporate sentiment in order to soften the rigidity
Speaker 1: of organization and process, and in relationships where sentiment is strong,
Speaker 1: I embed systems to help bring structure and order to
Speaker 1: the emotional landscape. Rhythms and routines help us maintain a
Speaker 1: steady pace that lets us get to know each other
Speaker 1: gradually and genuinely. We acknowledge that we are both looking
Speaker 1: for a long term relationship and hoping this is it.
Speaker 1: When we establish rhythms and routines together, instead of trying
Speaker 1: to meet false expectations, our relationship is grounded in how
Speaker 1: much time we'll spend together and how we'll spend it.
Speaker 1: We don't have to wonder when the person we're interested
Speaker 1: in we'll call us next. We don't play games like
Speaker 1: waiting a certain number of days before returning their call.
Speaker 1: We also start to set healthy boundaries while observing how
Speaker 1: our partner responds to them. Boundaries can be physical. Some
Speaker 1: people choose to take their time becoming sexually intimate, and
Speaker 1: they can also relate to time and emotions. A small
Speaker 1: survey conducted by High Touch Communications, Inc. Found that after
Speaker 1: work hours, most people expected friends, family, and romantic partners
Speaker 1: to respond to a text within five minutes, but when
Speaker 1: it came to work hours, they gave friends and family
Speaker 1: an hour but still expected a romantic partner to respond
Speaker 1: within five minutes. I've learned to give RADI around five
Speaker 1: days with a reminder. Clinical psychologist Seth Meyers advises new
Speaker 1: couples to exercise caution in psychology today. He writes that
Speaker 1: lots of physical interaction right away heightens emotions and can
Speaker 1: color how you see the other person. Looking at them
Speaker 1: through rose colored glasses could make you overlook red flags
Speaker 1: that would be more apparent or concerning if you weren't
Speaker 1: under the influence of the bonding chemicals we release as
Speaker 1: a result of physical contact, especially sex. Plus, you're forcing
Speaker 1: emotional intimacy with someone you barely know, and, as Meyers
Speaker 1: points out, if you don't really know the person eliciting
Speaker 1: those intense emotional reactions, you may put yourself at risk.
Speaker 1: If the person is kind and good and wants the
Speaker 1: same things as you, there's no problem. If the person
Speaker 1: doesn't have the same relationlationship goals as you, you may
Speaker 1: end up feeling lonely and betrayed. He recommends that for
Speaker 1: at least the first month you see one another no
Speaker 1: more than once a week, and if things are going well,
Speaker 1: then you can slowly dial up the frequency of your dates.
Speaker 1: When you encounter a new potential friend, for example, you
Speaker 1: probably don't rush to see that friend several times per
Speaker 1: week after you first meet mys rights. Why should the
Speaker 1: guidelines for starting a romantic relationship be so different. The
Speaker 1: time and space we spend a part enhances the time
Speaker 1: we spend together. We want to find a balance among
Speaker 1: time together, time alone, time with our own friends, and
Speaker 1: time with collective friends. In a week, you might decide
Speaker 1: to spend one night alone, three nights together, two nights
Speaker 1: with friends that you both know, and one night with
Speaker 1: your own friends. This it gives you time together, time
Speaker 1: to decompress, time to experience other people's energy together, and
Speaker 1: time to decompress in a different way with your own friends.
Speaker 1: When you do this, you should tell your partner why
Speaker 1: it's important to you to structure your time this way.
Speaker 1: Merely saying I need a loone time leaves them wondering
Speaker 1: what they've done wrong, while saying I need a loone
Speaker 1: time because I'm stressed out gives them a chance to
Speaker 1: be supportive and understanding the schedule I just shared is
Speaker 1: an example, but it gives you an idea of how
Speaker 1: to think about your own. Try this. Set a schedule together,
Speaker 1: work out how often you talk, message, and see each other.
Speaker 1: Find an easy rhythm and healthy ratio that works for
Speaker 1: both of you. Decide how you want to divvy up
Speaker 1: your free time. Not every week has to be the same,
Speaker 1: but when you have a sense of how you're going
Speaker 1: to spend your time, you don't feel that you're in
Speaker 1: a competition with other interests. Nights by yourself, nights together,
Speaker 1: nights with mutual friends, or family nights with your own friends.
Speaker 1: Instead of setting rhythms and routines, we often worry or
Speaker 1: wonder where the relationship is going, or complain to our
Speaker 1: friends about it. We're afraid to have conversations with a
Speaker 1: partner because we don't want to put pressure on them
Speaker 1: or to be perceived as needy. But conversations about what
Speaker 1: feels right to both of you at this point are
Speaker 1: entirely appropriate. When you have these conversations, the other person
Speaker 1: may not respond the way you hoped. Their pace and
Speaker 1: commitment may be different from yours. This doesn't mean the
Speaker 1: relationship is doomed. It means you can proceed with more clarity.
Speaker 1: And if these topics scare someone off, you haven't made
Speaker 1: a mistake. You've saved yourself the weeks and months you
Speaker 1: might otherwise have spent waiting for the relationship to play out.
Speaker 1: Instead of wondering why they never call. Do this set
Speaker 1: a time to connect rather than leaving it up to
Speaker 1: hope or chance. Instead of thinking they're too busy for you,
Speaker 1: discuss how busy slash available you are in the upcoming week.
Speaker 1: Instead of thinking they're moving too quickly, tell them you'd
Speaker 1: like to move at a slower pace, but it doesn't
Speaker 1: mean you're not interested. Instead of thinking they're moving too slowly,
Speaker 1: tell them you want to make sure you've got the
Speaker 1: same aspirations instead of worrying because they haven't introduced you
Speaker 1: to their family or friends. Learn about their closest relationships
Speaker 1: by asking questions and finding out who is important to
Speaker 1: them and why. Instead of wondering if they're seeing other people,
Speaker 1: ask them if they want to be exclusive, and hear
Speaker 1: them out. In these conversations, you may not always like
Speaker 1: what you learn. If the person doesn't react or respond
Speaker 1: in the way you wanted, it doesn't mean this relationship
Speaker 1: won't work. It means you can move forward in one
Speaker 1: direction or another with clarity. Phase three struggle and growth.
Speaker 1: We are meant to fall in love, be in love,
Speaker 1: and stay in love, but we can't do any of
Speaker 1: that if we expect every day to be Valentine's Day.
Speaker 1: Trouble is inevitable. It comes when, as a couple we
Speaker 1: inevitably discover the various ways in which we aren't aligned.
Speaker 1: In Phase three, we confront those differences and disappoint ointments
Speaker 1: and figure out if we want to put in the
Speaker 1: effort that resolving or living with them requires. When I
Speaker 1: was a monk, as you might imagine, we did a
Speaker 1: lot of self reflection, and at one point my teacher
Speaker 1: asked a group of us to rate how much we
Speaker 1: were struggling with our minds on a scale of one
Speaker 1: to ten. Our work was intense, and we all gave
Speaker 1: ourselves pretty high struggle ratings. Then he said, well, imagine
Speaker 1: if there were two minds trying to get along, two
Speaker 1: different people from different households, with their own beliefs, values, expectations,
Speaker 1: and dreams. There is no way this experiment can run smoothly.
Speaker 1: Love means that you value your partner enough to confront
Speaker 1: difficult areas. Relationships are masterfully designed to annoy us. It's
Speaker 1: easier on your own when there's nobody around to question
Speaker 1: you or bear witness to your flaws, but that's not
Speaker 1: why you're in a relationship. Bringing awareness to your relationship
Speaker 1: is uncomfortable. Many couples bump up against an opportunity for
Speaker 1: realization and feel it as a burden. We expect love
Speaker 1: to flow naturally, but this is extremely rare, and often
Speaker 1: it means that we're not taking on the tougher issues.
Speaker 1: We need to make mistakes, identify what we need to change,
Speaker 1: and work on doing better. This is where we grow
Speaker 1: as individuals and together. Many of these challenges are simple
Speaker 1: and domestic. For example, in my house growing up, we
Speaker 1: ate dinner, had dessert, hung out and talk for a while,
Speaker 1: then cleaned up. In Radi's house, they ate dinner, cleaned up,
Speaker 1: had dessert, and only when everything was all done would
Speaker 1: they relax into conversation. When we first started entertaining as
Speaker 1: a couple, after dinner, rather would clean up on her own,
Speaker 1: and I felt guilty that I wasn't helping. I always
Speaker 1: said that I'd clean a bit later and I meant it,
Speaker 1: but she was locked into the ritual from her upbringing,
Speaker 1: and I was locked into mine. Someone might say they'll
Speaker 1: clean up later, and their partner might believe they're just
Speaker 1: being lazy, But more often differences like this originate in backgrounds, cultures,
Speaker 1: and habits. The small hurdles are issues like she's snores,
Speaker 1: he's always late. They would rather watch TV when I
Speaker 1: want to go to a museum. I can't stand her
Speaker 1: best friend. He wants to spend every holiday at his parents' home.
Speaker 1: They have three cats and I'm allergic. And they may
Speaker 1: be bigger hurdles, like he has massive student debt. She
Speaker 1: has a temper that scares me. We have a long
Speaker 1: distance relationship and neither of us wants to move. She
Speaker 1: doesn't want to have children and I do. Disagreements large
Speaker 1: and small may challenge your confidence in your bond. You
Speaker 1: may feel I thought I loved you. But in that situation,
Speaker 1: there are three routes you can take. Two of them
Speaker 1: lead to important realizations. You can leave the relationship, in
Speaker 1: which case you realize this person doesn't suit your priorities.
Speaker 1: You can work through the issue together and grow, in
Speaker 1: which case you realize you're feeling positive enough about your
Speaker 1: bond to evolve together, or you can stay together without
Speaker 1: changing anything, in which case you don't realize anything. I
Speaker 1: advise you not to make the third choice. This phase
Speaker 1: is very important when it comes to defining love, because
Speaker 1: you either realize that something is a deal breaker for
Speaker 1: you or that you are willing to go through the
Speaker 1: growth that facing the issue involves, and if it's the latter,
Speaker 1: you will come through the experience with a stronger, more
Speaker 1: resilient love. We will discuss relationship challenges like these in
Speaker 1: more depth in Rules five and six. Phase four Trust.
Speaker 1: After we've overcome a challenge together, we grow. We learn
Speaker 1: to tolerate, adjust, and adapt. The growth that we do
Speaker 1: together builds into trust. Evaluating the breadth and depth of
Speaker 1: your trust for someone is a way of understanding and
Speaker 1: defining your love. In the fourth and highest phase, sometimes
Speaker 1: we assume trust is binary, either we trust someone or
Speaker 1: we don't, but trust increases gradually through actions, thoughts, and words.
Speaker 1: We shouldn't trust someone instantly just because they're kind to us.
Speaker 1: We give them our trust because little by little, day
Speaker 1: after day, we have shared more of ourselves and seen
Speaker 1: what they do with our honesty. All of the earlier
Speaker 1: phases build on one another to get us here. Trust
Speaker 1: begins with ourselves. We need to be trustworthy. This means
Speaker 1: aligning what we think, say, and do. When we think something,
Speaker 1: we express it, and then we carry through with the idea.
Speaker 1: This means we can trust ourselves. So if I feel
Speaker 1: like I need a night to myself, I communicate that
Speaker 1: to my partner and then I take the time. I
Speaker 1: feel the benefit of the gift I've given myself, and
Speaker 1: I trust myself to take good care of myself. My
Speaker 1: partner sees me following through on my ideas, observes the results,
Speaker 1: and recognizes my trustworthiness. Then I do the same for
Speaker 1: my partner. I follow through on my promises to them.
Speaker 1: I show them that I'm trustworthy and in doing so,
Speaker 1: inspire them to respond with an equal level of trust.
Speaker 1: We trust people more when they make us feel safe,
Speaker 1: when they make healthy decisions, when we feel like they
Speaker 1: conduct their life based on values that we agree with.
Speaker 1: To evaluate the depth and breadth of your trust for
Speaker 1: your partner, consider these three aspects physical trust, mental trust,
Speaker 1: and emotional trust. Physical trust is when you feel safe
Speaker 1: and cared for in their presence. They want to be
Speaker 1: with you, their present and attentive, and being around them
Speaker 1: feels good. Mental trust is when you trust their mind,
Speaker 1: their ideas, their thoughtfulness. You may not agree with every
Speaker 1: decision they make, but you trust the way they make decisions.
Speaker 1: Emotional trust is when you trust their values and who
Speaker 1: they are as a human. Do they treat you well?
Speaker 1: Are they supportive? Do you trust how they behave not
Speaker 1: just with you, but with the other people in their life,
Speaker 1: from close friends to a waiter. It's okay if you
Speaker 1: don't have absolute trust for your partner across this spectrum,
Speaker 1: and they can make mistakes that challenge your trust. When
Speaker 1: you identify weak spots, consider how significant the weakness is.
Speaker 1: How does it affect you if you don't trust them
Speaker 1: in areas that are important to you. You can give
Speaker 1: your partner grace and maintain trust by sharing honestly around
Speaker 1: the issues. It's impossible to have trust if there is dishonesty, secrets,
Speaker 1: or gaslighting. Trust builds very slowly and needs to be
Speaker 1: nurtured and sustained. Think of it growing by percentage points.
Speaker 1: Each time someone thinks, says, and does the same thing.
Speaker 1: Trust grows by one percentage point. In the beginning you
Speaker 1: trust them to speak the truth about whom they're with
Speaker 1: and what they're doing, and what they think. Each time
Speaker 1: they do, trust grows another point. Then, as we ask
Speaker 1: them to understand our emotions and they listen, the points
Speaker 1: ad up. When we share our faults, trust grows further,
Speaker 1: but trust fluctuates. If they fail to understand us, or
Speaker 1: they mislead us, or they betray us, our level of
Speaker 1: trust sinks and needs to be rebuilt. When we overcome
Speaker 1: a challenge together, trust grows again. We begin to trust
Speaker 1: them with our plans and dreams, and finally, we trust
Speaker 1: them enough to share our trauma with them. When our
Speaker 1: trust is high, we feel a love that is physically
Speaker 1: and emotionally safe and secure. Our partner becomes the person
Speaker 1: we turn to with good news and bad news, knowing
Speaker 1: that they'll be on our side and by our side,
Speaker 1: helping us to weather challenges and celebrate successes. Try this
Speaker 1: daily trust. One of my favorite ways to show trust
Speaker 1: every day is to notice and recognize when someone follows
Speaker 1: through on a promise. Often we reward people with thanks
Speaker 1: and gratitude when they surprise us with a nice gesture.
Speaker 1: Your partner prepares a delicious dinner that you didn't expect,
Speaker 1: and you heap on the gratitude. We do the same
Speaker 1: when they do something that they rarely do. But trust
Speaker 1: comes with quiet reliability. What about the partner who makes
Speaker 1: dinner for us regularly? We should show our appreciation for
Speaker 1: the efforts that they make daily. The more you reward it,
Speaker 1: the more they'll repeat it, and we build their trust
Speaker 1: in us the same way by showing up this week.
Speaker 1: Make an effort to thank your partner for the effort
Speaker 1: and energy they consistently bring to your partnership. Be specific.
Speaker 1: Instead of saying thanks for listening, you can say, I
Speaker 1: know I always come home and unload my emotions from
Speaker 1: work on you. I really appreciate how you listen and
Speaker 1: give me helpful advice. Love brings us through all of
Speaker 1: these phases over and over again. We never stop deepening
Speaker 1: our faith in each other. We endlessly find our attraction renewed.
Speaker 1: We work to remove impurities. Love means that we're happy
Speaker 1: to go through this cycle together. Now, the dreams that
Speaker 1: you had in phase two are real. They may be different,
Speaker 1: they're probably better than anything you dared to dream. Instead
Speaker 1: of fantasizing in your head, you can try out new
Speaker 1: dreams together. Try this, build realistic dreams together. Establish your
Speaker 1: monthly check in. Commit an hour every month to talk
Speaker 1: about your relationship. This gives you an opportunity to reaffirm
Speaker 1: what's working and redirect what's not working. Identify a highlight.
Speaker 1: What are you grateful for? This helps you both know
Speaker 1: what's going well. Identify a challenge. What are you struggling with?
Speaker 1: This helps you see what needs work. Find something to
Speaker 1: work toward together this coming month. It could be a
Speaker 1: date night, a birthday celebration, a trip, a plan to
Speaker 1: redo a room in the home. You can look through
Speaker 1: a website to research a vacation you want to take.
Speaker 1: This way, you're building your dreams together together. You're working
Speaker 1: on how you want your relationship to look and feel.
Speaker 1: To experience all that relationships have to offer. Means facing
Speaker 1: the challenges and rewards of every stage of love. Sometimes
Speaker 1: people jump from relationship to relationship because they're trying to
Speaker 1: avoid the challenges that love requires. You could date someone
Speaker 1: new every three months and have a lot of fun,
Speaker 1: but there is no growth in the cycle of just flirting,
Speaker 1: hooking up, and ditching. It is this ongoing growth and
Speaker 1: understanding that helps us sustain the fun of love, the
Speaker 1: connection of love, the trust of love, the reward of love.
Speaker 1: If we never commit, we'll never get to love. Once
Speaker 1: in a place of trust and commitment, you and your
Speaker 1: partner reveal yourselves to each other and share more of
Speaker 1: yourselves than you allow anyone else to see. This exchange
Speaker 1: puts you in a unique position. We don't usually think
Speaker 1: of relationships in terms of learning and teaching, but that
Speaker 1: is exactly what we will explore in the next chapter,
Speaker 1: how to learn from and teach our partner. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much for listening to today. I really hope that
Speaker 1: I was able to help you define love, and I
Speaker 1: really hope that this episode brought joy into your life.
Speaker 1: I hope it brought some clarity into your life, and now,
Speaker 1: as you move forward and redefine love, I hope it
Speaker 1: brings more of your definition of love into your life.
Speaker 1: If you don't already have the hard copy of my
Speaker 1: book or the audiobook, head over right now to eight
Speaker 1: Rules of Love dot Com. I can't wait for you
Speaker 1: to read and hear the rest. I once heard that
Speaker 1: more than one hundred million love songs have been recorded,
Speaker 1: and while I have no idea if that number is accurate.
Speaker 1: It kind of makes sense. We're obsessed with love. We
Speaker 1: seek it, we celebrate it. When we lose it, we're devastated,
Speaker 1: and when we're in love, we feel like there's nothing
Speaker 1: else in the world. So if love is all you need,
Speaker 1: then why do good things often go wrong? Today we're
Speaker 1: going to make sense of that. The next seven minutes
Speaker 1: are about you, your relationships, and thinking of love as
Speaker 1: a verb. I'm Jay Shaddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay.
Speaker 1: I know your heart's probably all a flutter, but let's
Speaker 1: start as usual with our deep centering breaths, inhaling and exhaling,
Speaker 1: stretching up on the inhale and sinking down on the exhale,
Speaker 1: allowing your mind to relax, and being present in this
Speaker 1: moment beautiful. Let's dive in. When I first met my
Speaker 1: wife Radi, I knew she was pretty special. She was
Speaker 1: kind and loving towards everyone, and just had this genuinely
Speaker 1: happy spirit. As we started dating, like most new relationships,
Speaker 1: we were both extra considerate, extra thoughtful. We went above
Speaker 1: and beyond to exhibit our interest in each other. I
Speaker 1: planned special dates, got her special gifts. I would drop
Speaker 1: anything for a chance to show how much she meant
Speaker 1: to me. Even before I had truly fallen in love
Speaker 1: with her, I acted as if she was the most
Speaker 1: important thing in my universe, and rather reciprocated completely. Then
Speaker 1: we evolved into a committed relationship and things changed a bit.
Speaker 1: We settled into a comfortable routine, spending more time together,
Speaker 1: but less energy on each other. Maybe the date nights
Speaker 1: were a little less unique. Maybe I didn't always go
Speaker 1: above and beyond. I loved RUDDI, but in reality I
Speaker 1: demonstrated it less. My effort wasn't the same. That behavior
Speaker 1: is so common, isn't it? And it's made me think
Speaker 1: how the idea of love is misunderstood and misused in
Speaker 1: the modern world. We tend to treat love like a noun,
Speaker 1: a thing, something we possess, something we achieve. You can
Speaker 1: hear it in the language we use to discuss it,
Speaker 1: like I worked hard to win her love, as if
Speaker 1: you're at a carnival and you finally knock down all
Speaker 1: the milk cans and you get to take home a
Speaker 1: plush Ti DII monkey which will sit on a shelf
Speaker 1: as a reminder of your accomplishment. Or we view it
Speaker 1: as an emotion we feel and one we expect to
Speaker 1: feel forever. When you say I am in love, it's
Speaker 1: like you're physically floating in a pool or something and
Speaker 1: you get to chill there for eternity. But I like
Speaker 1: to think of love as a verb, an action you do.
Speaker 1: Love does not merely exist. You don't have it and
Speaker 1: you don't just feel it. Love is doing. Love is behaving.
Speaker 1: Love is constant creation, moment by moment, day after day.
Speaker 1: It's listening with compassion and attention. It's jumping to help
Speaker 1: even if you're busy. It's trying a new recipe instead
Speaker 1: of something you always make. Most of all, it's unselfish
Speaker 1: prioritizing someone else and keeping their best interests in mind.
Speaker 1: So if you love someone, show it even more than
Speaker 1: you do when you're trying to win their affection. That's
Speaker 1: now what I try to do with RADI. I put
Speaker 1: in the effort to love herly instead of letting love
Speaker 1: be a routine or something I take for granted. And
Speaker 1: as our time today winds down, let's reflect a bit
Speaker 1: on love, starting with our moment of meditation. So get
Speaker 1: comfortable wherever you are, embracing tranquility. Now, I'd like you
Speaker 1: to bring your awareness to calm, balance, ease, stillness, and peace.
Speaker 1: Whenever your mind wanders, see if you can gently bring
Speaker 1: it back to calm, balance, ease, stillness, and peace. Now,
Speaker 1: become aware of your natural breathing pattern. Don't force or
Speaker 1: pressure your breath. Just focus on how it feels to
Speaker 1: breathe in and out. Whatever you're experiencing is normal. Try
Speaker 1: not to judge yourself or the moment. Have patience and
Speaker 1: come back to the breath. Now, let's open this up.
Speaker 1: Bring to mind someone you love, and it can be
Speaker 1: anyone you care about, not just a romantic partner. Reflect
Speaker 1: on how you demonstrate your care and affection. How could
Speaker 1: you treat love as more of a verb. Think of
Speaker 1: an action you could do today. I love taking this
Speaker 1: ride with you every day, and I'm so grateful that
Speaker 1: you keep joining. I'll see you again tomorrow