1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:04,360 Speaker 1: Relationships are masterfully designed to annoy us, but that's not 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:08,040 Speaker 1: why you're in a relationship. Bringing awareness to your relationship 3 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:12,560 Speaker 1: is uncomfortable. We expect love to flow naturally, but this 4 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,880 Speaker 1: is extremely rare and often it means that we're not 5 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:19,160 Speaker 1: taking on the tougher issues. We need to make mistakes, 6 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:23,320 Speaker 1: identify what we need to change, and work on doing better. 7 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:33,560 Speaker 1: This is where we grow as individuals and together. Hey everyone, 8 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:36,080 Speaker 1: I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a 9 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:39,320 Speaker 1: really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes 10 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,960 Speaker 1: on Fridays. It's my short daily series on Calm, The 11 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:46,200 Speaker 1: Daily Jay, and let me tell you, it's unlike anything 12 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:49,920 Speaker 1: else I'm doing. It's part storytelling, part mindfulness, with a 13 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,360 Speaker 1: wide range of unique, actionable insights, and it's also the 14 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:55,880 Speaker 1: only place you can meditate with me each and every day. 15 00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:59,160 Speaker 1: I absolutely love all the wisdom was sharing. All the 16 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,440 Speaker 1: lives were changed, and whether you want to improve your mindset, 17 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,559 Speaker 1: your habits, or your relationships, whether you want to work 18 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:09,400 Speaker 1: on developing more focus, presence or equanimity, building a daily 19 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:13,000 Speaker 1: Jay routine just seven minutes every day can make a 20 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:15,759 Speaker 1: huge impact, So make sure to check out the session 21 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,440 Speaker 1: at the end of the podcast, and then subscribe to 22 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:21,600 Speaker 1: Calm For your daily dose of the Daily Jay. Go 23 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,679 Speaker 1: to Calm dot com forward slash J for forty percent 24 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:27,520 Speaker 1: off your membership today. This week we're talking about your 25 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:31,600 Speaker 1: relationships and how to create the most meaningful connections with 26 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,840 Speaker 1: the people that matter to you. Of course, if you 27 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,560 Speaker 1: want to listen to The Daily Jay every day, you 28 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:40,000 Speaker 1: can go subscribe to Calm. So go to Calm dot com, 29 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:43,640 Speaker 1: forward slash J for forty percent off your membership today. 30 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:48,800 Speaker 1: Welcome back to On Purpose. This is your safe space. 31 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:55,600 Speaker 1: This is your place of comfort, of discomfort, of self 32 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:59,960 Speaker 1: work and self care with that space that gives you both. 33 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:02,080 Speaker 1: And you know that because you turn up every day 34 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:05,200 Speaker 1: every week and I'm so grateful to you. I honestly 35 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:07,320 Speaker 1: am so deeply grateful to you for all your love 36 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,600 Speaker 1: and all your support and to reciprocate with you today, 37 00:02:10,639 --> 00:02:15,160 Speaker 1: I'm giving you the third chapter of my audiobook, the 38 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,519 Speaker 1: third rule of my new book Eight Rules of Love 39 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:22,240 Speaker 1: Absolutely Free. So today's episode is called define love before 40 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:26,080 Speaker 1: you think it, feel it, or say it. And inside 41 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:29,120 Speaker 1: this book and this audiobook chapter, I'm going to teach 42 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:31,840 Speaker 1: you how to come up with your own definition of love, 43 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:35,840 Speaker 1: How to redefine love so that you don't get misled again, 44 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:39,680 Speaker 1: So that someone doesn't get to manipulate you again, So 45 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:42,880 Speaker 1: that someone doesn't pretend to give you a relationship and 46 00:02:42,919 --> 00:02:46,600 Speaker 1: a partnership when actually what they want is ownership. How 47 00:02:46,639 --> 00:02:49,720 Speaker 1: often has someone pretended to care for you when really 48 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,560 Speaker 1: they were trying to control you? How many times have 49 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:55,840 Speaker 1: you felt someone pretending to be affectionate when actually they 50 00:02:55,840 --> 00:03:00,359 Speaker 1: were just trying to be assertive? And so I hope 51 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,680 Speaker 1: that this episode helps you. I hope it helps your friends. 52 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,200 Speaker 1: And for those of you that don't already have the book, 53 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,600 Speaker 1: even though so many of you do already, head over 54 00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:10,320 Speaker 1: to eight Rules of Love dot com. Order the audiobook, 55 00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:12,079 Speaker 1: order the hard copy if you want to hear it 56 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,880 Speaker 1: in my voice. The audiobook is in my voice. I 57 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:17,120 Speaker 1: know some of you like reading and listening at the 58 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,120 Speaker 1: same time, but you're going to love this episode. Part 59 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:27,760 Speaker 1: two Compatibility Learning to Love Others. The second arshroom Grihusta 60 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:31,440 Speaker 1: is the stage of life when we extend our love 61 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:37,400 Speaker 1: to others while still loving ourselves. This stage introduces the 62 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:43,800 Speaker 1: challenges of learning to understand, appreciate, and cooperate with another mind, 63 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,960 Speaker 1: another set of values, and another set of likes and 64 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:53,080 Speaker 1: dislikes on a daily basis. Here we explore the challenges 65 00:03:53,480 --> 00:04:00,920 Speaker 1: of karma. May three Loving others. Rule three, define love 66 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 1: before you think it, feel it, or say it. My 67 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:09,400 Speaker 1: boyfriend told me he loved me, and a week later 68 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:14,800 Speaker 1: he fully ghosted me. I told my partner I loved her. 69 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:20,159 Speaker 1: She said, thank you. I was dating a girl for 70 00:04:20,279 --> 00:04:23,520 Speaker 1: several weeks. When I told her, I thought I was 71 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,560 Speaker 1: starting to fall in love with her. She said she 72 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:31,920 Speaker 1: needed more space. We've been together for three years and 73 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:36,640 Speaker 1: we say I love you before bed, same time every night. 74 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:41,839 Speaker 1: I'm not sure it means anything anymore. We say I 75 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,960 Speaker 1: love you, or wait for the right time to say it, 76 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,599 Speaker 1: or hope someone will say to us, but there is 77 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:53,240 Speaker 1: no universal agreement as to what it means. For some 78 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,359 Speaker 1: it means I want to spend the rest of my 79 00:04:56,480 --> 00:05:00,960 Speaker 1: life with you. For some people, saying I you means 80 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:05,200 Speaker 1: I want to spend the night with you. Between those 81 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:09,159 Speaker 1: two intentions are infinite. Others and some of us say 82 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:13,560 Speaker 1: it without any particular intention because in that moment, we 83 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:18,320 Speaker 1: just feel something we interpret as love. This leaves a 84 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:24,400 Speaker 1: lot of room for confusion. Miscommunication and false expectations. Writer 85 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:28,440 Speaker 1: Samantha Taylor says, the first time I told my now 86 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:31,720 Speaker 1: husband I loved him, we were spending one of those 87 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:35,480 Speaker 1: long nights on the phone early in our dating relationship, 88 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:40,560 Speaker 1: back when people actually talked on the phone, delirious with sleepiness. 89 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:43,640 Speaker 1: I told him that I wanted to tell him I 90 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:48,279 Speaker 1: loved him, but didn't want to scare him off. Don't worry, 91 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,760 Speaker 1: he told me, Saying I love you isn't a big 92 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:55,400 Speaker 1: deal to me. I love my mom, I love my friends. 93 00:05:55,920 --> 00:06:01,000 Speaker 1: I love you too great. He loved me like his mom, 94 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:06,360 Speaker 1: so romantic. He was telling her that his definition of 95 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:11,480 Speaker 1: I love you was different from hers, broad, low pressure, 96 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:17,400 Speaker 1: and not particularly romantic. She adds, Fortunately, he must have 97 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 1: grown to love me in a romantic way, because we've 98 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:25,600 Speaker 1: been married for almost ten years. We say I love 99 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:30,480 Speaker 1: you in so many different contexts with family and friends 100 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:35,039 Speaker 1: and lovers that it doesn't indicate anything but the presence 101 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 1: of some sort of affection, and yet we have expectations 102 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,599 Speaker 1: based on what we assume it means to the other person. 103 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:49,680 Speaker 1: I love you doesn't include commitment, It doesn't promise you 104 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:54,120 Speaker 1: want to have children together. It doesn't guarantee that you'll 105 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:58,400 Speaker 1: put any effort into making a relationship work. It's a 106 00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:04,320 Speaker 1: beautiful start, not a substitute for many other meaningful conversations. 107 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 1: A survey showed that men are quicker to say I 108 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:13,320 Speaker 1: Love you than women, taking an average of eighty eight days, 109 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:17,320 Speaker 1: a whopping thirty nine percent of them declare their love 110 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:21,960 Speaker 1: within the first month. Women take an average of one 111 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:25,320 Speaker 1: hundred and thirty four days, and twenty three percent of 112 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:29,280 Speaker 1: them declare their love in month one. It's hard to 113 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:33,720 Speaker 1: imagine that people who feel love within weeks actually live 114 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:38,400 Speaker 1: up to what their partners think. That statement means. You 115 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:41,559 Speaker 1: may feel like you know someone because you've spent time 116 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:45,200 Speaker 1: with them and you like their personality, but you may 117 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:49,440 Speaker 1: not know their dreams, their values, their priorities, the things 118 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:53,320 Speaker 1: that matter to them. You think you know their heart, 119 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:59,000 Speaker 1: but you just know their mind. Love takes time. I'm 120 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,480 Speaker 1: not saying you need to understand someone fully before you 121 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:06,600 Speaker 1: fall in love. We're always learning new things about our partner, 122 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,560 Speaker 1: but too often we leap to love based on a 123 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:15,000 Speaker 1: very small amount of information. In any other area of 124 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,559 Speaker 1: your life, it's very unlikely that you make a big 125 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:23,880 Speaker 1: decision based on such a small amount of information. Love 126 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,880 Speaker 1: is not black and white. You either love someone or 127 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,920 Speaker 1: you don't, and there's only one way to do it. 128 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:35,440 Speaker 1: Some people renew their vows every ten years, either to 129 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:40,000 Speaker 1: recommit to love or to express how their love has evolved. 130 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:45,559 Speaker 1: Some people have long distance love. Some people are friends 131 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:49,480 Speaker 1: with benefits. Some people get divorced, but they find a 132 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:54,960 Speaker 1: way to parent together peacefully and comfortably. Recently, a guy 133 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,360 Speaker 1: came up to me at a wedding and told me 134 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:01,160 Speaker 1: he just got out of a long relationship. He said, 135 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:05,440 Speaker 1: we love each other, but leaving each other was the 136 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:09,960 Speaker 1: best way to carry on loving each other. That's love too. 137 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:14,360 Speaker 1: To discount the many forms of love is to miss 138 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:21,000 Speaker 1: many beautiful possibilities. Understanding the nuances allows you to define 139 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 1: and honor the love you have with the person you're with. 140 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:28,440 Speaker 1: As soon as we say I love you, we're going 141 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,760 Speaker 1: to have to live up to those words, not by 142 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 1: our definition, but by the definition of the person we love. 143 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:41,080 Speaker 1: On the flip side, when we accept someone else's love, 144 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:45,360 Speaker 1: we have to realize that they aren't using our definition 145 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:50,880 Speaker 1: of love before we decide that we're in love, before 146 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:54,120 Speaker 1: we tell another person we love them, and before we 147 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,600 Speaker 1: determine what it means when they say those words to us. 148 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:02,840 Speaker 1: We must consider how we define love. What do we 149 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:07,000 Speaker 1: expect love to feel like, How do we know we 150 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:11,200 Speaker 1: love someone? How do we know if they love us? 151 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:16,040 Speaker 1: The only way to avoid miscommunication is to talk about 152 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:21,199 Speaker 1: love using far more than those three words. This rule 153 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:24,680 Speaker 1: will help us figure out what we mean when we 154 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,880 Speaker 1: say I love you, what it may or may not 155 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:31,400 Speaker 1: mean when our partner says it, and how to find 156 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:36,199 Speaker 1: a meaning. We can share the four phases of love. 157 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 1: When we tell each other we love each other. We 158 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,960 Speaker 1: rarely elaborate, unless it's to add a romantic flourish like 159 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:47,320 Speaker 1: so Much or to the moon and back. It's pretty 160 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,720 Speaker 1: black and white. We've either declared our love or we haven't. 161 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:55,000 Speaker 1: We don't leave much room for variation or degrees of love, 162 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,560 Speaker 1: but we can take some cues in the practice of 163 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:04,000 Speaker 1: love from the Bucket Tradition, an eighth century movement in Hinduism. 164 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:07,720 Speaker 1: Bugty describes the journey of falling in love with the 165 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:13,560 Speaker 1: divine in stages. The first stage is shudd there where 166 00:11:13,559 --> 00:11:16,720 Speaker 1: we have the spark of faith that makes us take 167 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:21,280 Speaker 1: interest in the divine. Notice how even when we're talking 168 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:27,120 Speaker 1: about connecting with the divine. There's a preliminary desire. Curiosity 169 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:31,960 Speaker 1: and hope drive us to engage. This leads us to 170 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:37,960 Speaker 1: the next stage Sadu sanga, desiring to associate with spiritually 171 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:43,680 Speaker 1: advanced persons. Here we find a spiritual teacher, guide, mentor 172 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:48,840 Speaker 1: who can help us develop our practice. After that is 173 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:53,800 Speaker 1: budget a career where we perform devotional acts like attending 174 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:59,320 Speaker 1: services and praying. As our devotion gets deeper, we become 175 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:07,200 Speaker 1: free from all material attachments anarthanivrathy, achieve steadiness nista in 176 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 1: self realization, and find enthusiasm roucci for serving the divine. 177 00:12:14,679 --> 00:12:19,240 Speaker 1: This taste leads us to further attachment, which is called baba. 178 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:25,520 Speaker 1: This is the preliminary stage of pure love of the divine. 179 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:30,280 Speaker 1: Then finally we reach pure love for the Divine prayme. 180 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,480 Speaker 1: This is the supreme stage of life, where we have 181 00:12:34,559 --> 00:12:39,559 Speaker 1: attained the highest form of a divine loving relationship, unbound 182 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:44,000 Speaker 1: by or in reverence or any kind of hierarchy. Because 183 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:48,880 Speaker 1: the Buckti stages of love describe an intimate, direct relationship 184 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:53,000 Speaker 1: between a person and their God, they can apply in 185 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:56,800 Speaker 1: many ways to how we love each other. So I 186 00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:00,920 Speaker 1: decided to bring the model down to earth and reinterpret 187 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:04,959 Speaker 1: it for the practice of understanding and loving another person. 188 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:09,520 Speaker 1: When it comes to love, we expect that we'll know 189 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:13,520 Speaker 1: when we know, but our experiences of love can be 190 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:18,440 Speaker 1: different at different times. The four phases of love I'm 191 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:22,640 Speaker 1: about to describe can all look like love and feel 192 00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:25,960 Speaker 1: like love, and they are all part of the journey 193 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,640 Speaker 1: of love. How do you know if you're in love 194 00:13:29,679 --> 00:13:33,960 Speaker 1: with someone? Love isn't being called every day, or having 195 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,800 Speaker 1: your chair pulled out for you, or feeling warm and 196 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,400 Speaker 1: fuzzy when you see someone. Love is in a purely 197 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:45,079 Speaker 1: romantic fairy tale, and it isn't pragmatically checking qualities off 198 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:50,200 Speaker 1: a list. Looking at these phases helps us understand love, 199 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:55,720 Speaker 1: differently define love for ourselves, and better articulate our feelings 200 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,640 Speaker 1: of love. At the same time, seeing the levels of 201 00:13:59,679 --> 00:14:04,000 Speaker 1: love helps us understand why our partner might have a 202 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 1: different concept of love than we do. Knowing what phase 203 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:12,840 Speaker 1: you're in helps orient you for progress to the next phase, 204 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:16,440 Speaker 1: and when you can't see yourself getting to the next phase, 205 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,440 Speaker 1: then you might enjoy it for a while, but you 206 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:24,040 Speaker 1: know that it's not sustainable. We might not progress in 207 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:27,800 Speaker 1: exactly this order and the rest of this book will 208 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:32,080 Speaker 1: show you how we cycle back through the phases. This 209 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:35,760 Speaker 1: is a cycle we will repeat not just with one partner, 210 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,880 Speaker 1: but with pretty much everyone who plays an important role 211 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:46,600 Speaker 1: in our lives. This is the practice of love one. Attraction, 212 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:59,920 Speaker 1: two dreams, three, struggle and growth four trust. Phase one attracts. 213 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 1: In phase one, we feel a spark of intrigue, interest, 214 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:09,760 Speaker 1: and attraction. This makes us want to figure out if 215 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:14,480 Speaker 1: someone is worth our time and effort. Researchers describe what 216 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:21,360 Speaker 1: we call love as three distinct drives in the brain, lust, attraction, 217 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:27,280 Speaker 1: and attachment. When we move from lust to attraction, we're 218 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:32,240 Speaker 1: taking the generalized desire to connect with someone and focusing 219 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:37,160 Speaker 1: it on a specific person. The brain chemicals involved in 220 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 1: lust differ from those that produce attraction. Lust is governed 221 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:48,480 Speaker 1: more by testosterone and estrogen, whereas attraction includes dopamine, the 222 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:53,840 Speaker 1: reward chemical, and no A penephyrine, the brain's version of adrenaline, 223 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:58,360 Speaker 1: which when combined with dopamine, can generate that feeling of 224 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:04,960 Speaker 1: euphoria around the target of our attraction. Additionally, levels of 225 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:09,560 Speaker 1: the feel good hormone serotonin actually drop in this phase, 226 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:14,360 Speaker 1: which contributes to our feelings of anxiety and passion. In 227 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:18,920 Speaker 1: the early stages of attraction, we have an exciting surge 228 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:22,720 Speaker 1: of hope and belief that someone could be the right 229 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:27,880 Speaker 1: person for us. We feel intrigue and interest. We swipe right. 230 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:33,760 Speaker 1: Love often starts with this thrilling hint of possibility. It 231 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:39,160 Speaker 1: means you intrigue me. I want more chemistry like this 232 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:43,760 Speaker 1: feels amazing. But we should be careful not to think 233 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:47,960 Speaker 1: that chemistry is the only way love begins, or that 234 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:52,920 Speaker 1: it is the entirety of love. Time helps you understand 235 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:57,640 Speaker 1: whether what you're feeling is truly love. Think about what 236 00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,560 Speaker 1: it's like when you place an order for a chair 237 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:04,520 Speaker 1: on a website. It looks good online if it's beautifully 238 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:08,119 Speaker 1: into a room pictured on your favorite home store site, 239 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,240 Speaker 1: but when it arrives, it isn't comfortable to sit on. 240 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:17,240 Speaker 1: In attraction, we observe people for how they appear, but 241 00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:21,000 Speaker 1: we don't understand what it's like to have a relationship 242 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,320 Speaker 1: with them. I used to know this guy who came 243 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,080 Speaker 1: up to me every month and told me he had 244 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:30,680 Speaker 1: fallen in love with another girl, someone he'd bumped into 245 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:35,680 Speaker 1: or met on Instagram. For a week, he'd be completely infatuated, 246 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,040 Speaker 1: and then a few weeks later it would be someone else. 247 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:43,320 Speaker 1: In the attraction phase, we have glimpses of love that 248 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:48,119 Speaker 1: show us its beauty. Lingering in the attraction phase is 249 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:52,760 Speaker 1: pleasurable with new people. We've carefully exposed what we want 250 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:58,480 Speaker 1: them to see, our best features. There are few arguments, expectations, 251 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:03,439 Speaker 1: and disappointments. We can sustain the fantasy of a perfect match, 252 00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:09,520 Speaker 1: but it takes a deeper connection to go beyond phase one. 253 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:14,800 Speaker 1: Science supports the idea that having deeper connections bodes well 254 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:19,959 Speaker 1: for relationships. Professor Matteis mel at the University of Arizona 255 00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:24,240 Speaker 1: in Tucson and his team studied whether the conversations we 256 00:18:24,359 --> 00:18:29,239 Speaker 1: have affect our well being. Specifically, they were looking at 257 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:34,320 Speaker 1: the difference between small talk and having deep, meaningful discussions. 258 00:18:35,119 --> 00:18:39,440 Speaker 1: They had seventy nine participants war recorders for four days 259 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:43,720 Speaker 1: while they went about their daily lives. The devices were 260 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:48,600 Speaker 1: designed to record snippets of ambient sound, netting about three 261 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:54,440 Speaker 1: hundred recordings per participant over the four days. The researchers 262 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:58,560 Speaker 1: then listened to the recordings and noted when the participants 263 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:02,439 Speaker 1: were alone or talking with others, and when their conversation 264 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:08,000 Speaker 1: was superficial. What do you have there? Popcorn? Yummy? Or deep? 265 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,400 Speaker 1: She fell in love with your dad? So did they 266 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:17,080 Speaker 1: get divorced soon after? The researchers also assessed participants well 267 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:21,280 Speaker 1: being through a series of statements such as I see 268 00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:26,440 Speaker 1: myself as someone who is happy satisfied with life. They 269 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:30,760 Speaker 1: found that higher rates of well being were associated more 270 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:35,000 Speaker 1: with people who had deep conversations than those who made 271 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:40,320 Speaker 1: more small talk. Going deep isn't a technique. It can 272 00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:44,320 Speaker 1: only be a genuine experience that leads to a true connection. 273 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:48,720 Speaker 1: But we can examine our own willingness to open up 274 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:53,680 Speaker 1: and be vulnerable with people as we build trust with them. 275 00:19:53,880 --> 00:20:00,840 Speaker 1: Social scientists say that vulnerability leads to reciprocal escalating self disclosure. 276 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:04,920 Speaker 1: What this means is that over time, a couple begins 277 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:09,920 Speaker 1: to reveal vulnerabilities to each other. That's the self disclosure. 278 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:14,840 Speaker 1: Sharing parts of yourself doesn't mean bearing your whole soul 279 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,960 Speaker 1: all at once. Sometimes when we are caught up in 280 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:22,560 Speaker 1: the moment, we're tempted to do that. But if we 281 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:28,080 Speaker 1: gradually unveil our personalities, values and goals, we start to 282 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:32,359 Speaker 1: see if there is a connection. Letting yourself be vulnerable 283 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:36,960 Speaker 1: with this intention keeps you feeling protected, like you aren't 284 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,919 Speaker 1: exposed too much, too fast to a person you can't trust. 285 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:46,840 Speaker 1: If it all goes well, you reveal increasingly intimate facets 286 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:50,920 Speaker 1: of yourself at a pace where you feel comfortable. That's 287 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:55,359 Speaker 1: where the escalating comes in, and the disclosure is a 288 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,520 Speaker 1: gift that you give back and forth to each other. 289 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:05,160 Speaker 1: That's reciprocle. It is with reciprocal escalating self disclosure that 290 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:11,119 Speaker 1: we start to truly know a person. The three date rule. 291 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:17,080 Speaker 1: In my experience working with clients, three dates usually provide 292 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:21,160 Speaker 1: enough time to determine if you and another person would 293 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:25,000 Speaker 1: be a good match. These three dates don't have to 294 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:28,000 Speaker 1: be your first three dates, and you don't have to 295 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,440 Speaker 1: do them one after another. You can spread them out. 296 00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:36,400 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's nice to just see a movie. In these dates, 297 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:41,600 Speaker 1: you'll focus on three areas whether you like their personality, 298 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:45,800 Speaker 1: whether you respect their values, and whether you would like 299 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:50,720 Speaker 1: to help them achieve their goals. For simplicity's sake, I'm 300 00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:55,760 Speaker 1: going to suggest focusing on these qualities sequentially one per date, 301 00:21:56,400 --> 00:22:00,879 Speaker 1: but you'll probably be uncovering some aspect of each dimension 302 00:22:01,359 --> 00:22:06,760 Speaker 1: during each date. First, we start with personality because it's 303 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:12,000 Speaker 1: the easiest thing to spot, understand, and connect with. In 304 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:17,560 Speaker 1: their personality, you'll see how their past has shaped them. Second, 305 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:22,000 Speaker 1: you'll explore their values, which define who they are today. 306 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:27,280 Speaker 1: And third you'll try to recognize their goals, which encapsulate 307 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:33,240 Speaker 1: what they want in the future. Date one do you 308 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:37,320 Speaker 1: have fun together? Do you enjoy each other's company? Does 309 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:43,560 Speaker 1: conversation flow? What makes you comfortable and what makes you uncomfortable? 310 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:47,320 Speaker 1: The first day is to find out if you really 311 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:51,879 Speaker 1: enjoy each other's personalities. To do so, you need to 312 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:56,520 Speaker 1: shift between small talk and deep talk. The topics we 313 00:22:56,600 --> 00:23:01,280 Speaker 1: gravitate toward favorite movies or vacation planes don't help us 314 00:23:01,359 --> 00:23:06,280 Speaker 1: know people deeply. Instead, you can start to ask questions 315 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:10,520 Speaker 1: that inspire both of you to reveal more personal details, 316 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:17,639 Speaker 1: including your quirks and imperfections. Remember, we share vulnerabilities gradually 317 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:21,119 Speaker 1: as we get to know and trust each other. So 318 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:24,280 Speaker 1: on this date your focus is to see if you 319 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:29,640 Speaker 1: enjoy and appreciate their personality. Try to learn something new 320 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:32,680 Speaker 1: about them or see a side of them you haven't seen. 321 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:37,920 Speaker 1: Here are some light questions you can ask on Date one. 322 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,960 Speaker 1: You'll see that they are questions about tastes and preferences. 323 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:46,000 Speaker 1: They tread in areas where most people are comfortable, but 324 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:50,679 Speaker 1: they create the possibility to show real passions. When you 325 00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:54,199 Speaker 1: ask someone what the best meal they ever had was, 326 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:58,520 Speaker 1: the question isn't just about food. It opens up a 327 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:02,359 Speaker 1: bigger conversation about where and when they had the food 328 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:06,240 Speaker 1: and what made it special. If you ask what they 329 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:09,840 Speaker 1: wish they knew more about, you find out about their 330 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:15,680 Speaker 1: curiosities and unfulfilled interests. If you hit on a strong interest, 331 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,520 Speaker 1: like taste in movies or books, you can dig deeper 332 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,440 Speaker 1: into why they like what they like and find out 333 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:27,520 Speaker 1: how introspective they are. Even if you think you know 334 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:33,200 Speaker 1: your partner well, the answers might surprise you. What's something 335 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,960 Speaker 1: you love to do? Do you have a favorite place? 336 00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:41,160 Speaker 1: Is there a book or movie you've read or seen 337 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:46,200 Speaker 1: more than once. What is occupying your thoughts most at 338 00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:51,560 Speaker 1: the moment. What's something you wish you knew more about. 339 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:57,280 Speaker 1: What's the best meal you've ever had? This isn't an interview. 340 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:02,480 Speaker 1: Every conversation has two sides and one aspect of your 341 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:07,320 Speaker 1: partner's personality. These questions will reveal is whether they're curious 342 00:25:07,359 --> 00:25:11,399 Speaker 1: about you. Do they ask for your own responses to 343 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:15,680 Speaker 1: these questions and dig deeper when they turn the conversation 344 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:22,760 Speaker 1: to you. Try this prepare for date one. Take the 345 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:26,800 Speaker 1: questions I suggested you ask your date and write out 346 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:32,960 Speaker 1: your own answers to them. What's something you love to do? 347 00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:36,320 Speaker 1: Do you have a favorite place? Is there a book 348 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:40,720 Speaker 1: or movie you've read or seen more than once? What 349 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:45,520 Speaker 1: is occupying your thoughts most at the moment. What's something 350 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:49,600 Speaker 1: you wish you knew more about. What's the best meal 351 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:54,760 Speaker 1: you've ever had. Once you have your answers, ask yourself 352 00:25:55,119 --> 00:25:59,040 Speaker 1: what they might tell a person about you. Do these 353 00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:03,920 Speaker 1: questions bring up some of your strong interests. Do they 354 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:09,720 Speaker 1: give you a chance to reveal important aspects of your personality? 355 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:14,440 Speaker 1: If not, are there other questions that would add those 356 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,440 Speaker 1: questions to the list you bring to your next date? 357 00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:25,479 Speaker 1: Date two? Your date, too, could come after any number 358 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:29,359 Speaker 1: of dates spent dancing or going to the museums, or 359 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:33,320 Speaker 1: talking casually over dinner, But knowing that you enjoy the 360 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:37,560 Speaker 1: same movies or like the same cuisine doesn't really tell 361 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:42,920 Speaker 1: you if your values are compatible. Gently encourage your date 362 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:48,240 Speaker 1: to share meaningful stories and details about their life. Take 363 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:52,200 Speaker 1: turns with these questions and make sure again that it's 364 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:56,960 Speaker 1: not an interview. In fact, if they hesitate over a question, 365 00:26:57,520 --> 00:27:00,040 Speaker 1: you might say, I know it's a hard question, and 366 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:05,600 Speaker 1: I'll go first. Your answers can reveal your own values. 367 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:10,600 Speaker 1: If the question is who's the most fascinating person you've 368 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:15,119 Speaker 1: ever met, don't just give a name. Say what interested 369 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:18,919 Speaker 1: you about the person, what you learned from them, or 370 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,520 Speaker 1: what you would ask them if you could meet them again. 371 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,840 Speaker 1: If you're telling a story about something you've done that's 372 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:30,159 Speaker 1: out of character, then tell them what's in character for you, 373 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,320 Speaker 1: why you hold that value, and what made you diverge 374 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:40,800 Speaker 1: from it. If they're not immediately open, that's okay. Escalating 375 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:45,840 Speaker 1: self disclosure is a slow build. Sometimes, when we're ready 376 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:48,720 Speaker 1: to share, we think it's the right time for them 377 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:52,200 Speaker 1: to open up as well. But people do this at 378 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:56,639 Speaker 1: their own pace, in their own time. Ask questions and 379 00:27:56,760 --> 00:28:00,399 Speaker 1: listen carefully to the response to gauge. If the person 380 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:05,520 Speaker 1: is hesitant, give them openings to change the subject, asking 381 00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:09,920 Speaker 1: is this too heavy a topic or would you rather 382 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:13,440 Speaker 1: not go here right now? Not only do we want 383 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:17,320 Speaker 1: to avoid grilling our date, we also don't want to overshare, 384 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:22,040 Speaker 1: taking up all the oxygen in the room with unsolicited, 385 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:27,080 Speaker 1: deeply personal stories will only make the person feel overwhelmed. 386 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:32,160 Speaker 1: Your ability to be vulnerable and open will help them 387 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:37,640 Speaker 1: be vulnerable and to share what feels comfortable at this stage. 388 00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:41,160 Speaker 1: Here are some uncommon questions you can try out on 389 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:45,240 Speaker 1: date two that will help you learn what they find interesting, 390 00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:50,040 Speaker 1: how they deal with challenges, what they value, how they 391 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:55,240 Speaker 1: tolerate risk, and how they make decisions. Who's the most 392 00:28:55,320 --> 00:29:00,440 Speaker 1: fascinating person you've ever met. What's the most out of 393 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:04,000 Speaker 1: character thing you've ever done or would like to do? 394 00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:09,240 Speaker 1: Have you ever had a big plot twist in your life? 395 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:11,840 Speaker 1: If you won the lottery, what would you spend the 396 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:18,120 Speaker 1: money on. What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done. 397 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:21,960 Speaker 1: What is a tough thing you dealt with in your past? 398 00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:27,040 Speaker 1: What makes you proud? What would you do if you 399 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:32,200 Speaker 1: had enough money to not need a job. Notice how 400 00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:37,640 Speaker 1: all these questions approach deeper issues without pressure or intensity. 401 00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:42,360 Speaker 1: You're not asking the worst moment of someone's life or 402 00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:46,920 Speaker 1: what their darkest secret is. These questions are framed to 403 00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:50,440 Speaker 1: learn about the other person, but in a playful way. 404 00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:56,000 Speaker 1: Don't treat your opinions as if they're better than your partners. 405 00:29:56,400 --> 00:30:02,280 Speaker 1: They're just different viewpoints that emerge from differents, different experiences, 406 00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:10,000 Speaker 1: different upbringings. Date three. Date three should occur when it 407 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:14,000 Speaker 1: feels natural to share some of your ideas for the future. 408 00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:17,719 Speaker 1: Just as you don't need to share the same values, 409 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:21,080 Speaker 1: you don't need to have the same goals. One of 410 00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:24,040 Speaker 1: you might have your whole life mapped out, and the 411 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:27,400 Speaker 1: other might still be exploring what gives their life meaning. 412 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:32,320 Speaker 1: On date three, you can try out some deeper questions. 413 00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:36,960 Speaker 1: I'll share some here. Do you have a dream you'd 414 00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:42,080 Speaker 1: like to fulfill one day, a job, a trip, an accomplishment. 415 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:47,440 Speaker 1: What would you like to change about your life if 416 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:52,000 Speaker 1: you could meet anyone, who would it be. Is there 417 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:57,720 Speaker 1: a single moment or experience that changed your life? Is 418 00:30:57,760 --> 00:31:03,480 Speaker 1: there someone you consider to be your greatest teacher? Using 419 00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:07,520 Speaker 1: the information you glean on these three dates, you can 420 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:12,560 Speaker 1: determine if you like a person's personality, respect their values, 421 00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:17,200 Speaker 1: and want to help them pursue their goals. Notice the 422 00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:20,720 Speaker 1: verbs I chose here. You don't have to have the 423 00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:25,440 Speaker 1: same personality so long as you enjoy each other. You 424 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:28,640 Speaker 1: don't have to share their values so long as you 425 00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:33,200 Speaker 1: respect them their goals don't even have to be things 426 00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:37,440 Speaker 1: you want or enjoy, But are you interested in having 427 00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:40,600 Speaker 1: these aspects of who they are and who they want 428 00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:43,280 Speaker 1: to be as part of your day to day life 429 00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:48,720 Speaker 1: and coming to pass near or alongside you. Certain goals 430 00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:52,680 Speaker 1: like robbing a bank should be deal breakers. It might 431 00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:55,320 Speaker 1: be that you like them so much that you'd be 432 00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:59,200 Speaker 1: excited to help them with anything within reason that they 433 00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:02,880 Speaker 1: want to pursue, or if their goal is to eradicate 434 00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:07,280 Speaker 1: homelessness in Los Angeles, such a noble goal might in 435 00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:13,840 Speaker 1: itself make them more attractive. Attraction leads to dreams. When 436 00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:17,840 Speaker 1: our attraction to a person continues over time, we start 437 00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:23,440 Speaker 1: to fantasize about the relationship that could develop, what adventures 438 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:26,680 Speaker 1: we could have with this person, what our life together 439 00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:33,960 Speaker 1: would look like. We find ourselves in phase two Phase 440 00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:39,480 Speaker 1: two dreams. In the second phase of love, many of 441 00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:43,640 Speaker 1: us move fast. Our attraction to this person tells us 442 00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:47,640 Speaker 1: that they might match our dreams, but our dreams can 443 00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:51,480 Speaker 1: cloud our vision of the other person and our own needs. 444 00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:57,280 Speaker 1: In this phase, we strive to dismantle false expectations and 445 00:32:57,400 --> 00:33:02,520 Speaker 1: focus on designing, building, and nurture a strong relationship based 446 00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:12,440 Speaker 1: on realistic expectations rather than intoxicating dreams false expectations. In 447 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:15,080 Speaker 1: this phase of love, we often have in mind a 448 00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:19,480 Speaker 1: checklist of the qualities our partners should have. Sometimes these 449 00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:24,040 Speaker 1: are very specific and or tied to the opulences successful 450 00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:28,160 Speaker 1: owns a home, likes to watch basketball, is a certain age, 451 00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:31,040 Speaker 1: or a certain level of fitness, is ready to get 452 00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:36,240 Speaker 1: married in the next year. Psychologist Lisa Phirestone says these 453 00:33:36,480 --> 00:33:42,960 Speaker 1: unrealistic expectations are exaggerated by technology. Online dating sites can 454 00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:47,000 Speaker 1: promote the overwhelming notion that there are endless choices in 455 00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:50,200 Speaker 1: the world, leaving some of us to get stuck in 456 00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:54,400 Speaker 1: a cycle of perpetual searching, or what one team of 457 00:33:54,440 --> 00:34:00,600 Speaker 1: research is called relationshopping. We may unintentionally find out ourselves 458 00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:05,480 Speaker 1: seeking perfection or one person who can fill every imaginable 459 00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:10,640 Speaker 1: criterion we've created in our mind or on our profile. 460 00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:16,200 Speaker 1: This list making can turn dreams into requirements. Any potential 461 00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:21,120 Speaker 1: partner will come with the past, challenges, and possibly trauma, 462 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:25,719 Speaker 1: just as you do. You simply won't find someone who 463 00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:30,560 Speaker 1: ticks every box on your checklist. It's okay for different 464 00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:34,520 Speaker 1: people to fill the different needs on your checklist. Research 465 00:34:34,600 --> 00:34:39,640 Speaker 1: shows that the happiest people have multiple close relationships, so 466 00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:43,040 Speaker 1: whether we're coupled or single, we shouldn't look to any 467 00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:47,960 Speaker 1: one person to meet all our needs. John Cacciopo, a 468 00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:52,600 Speaker 1: neuroscientist who researchs love and affection, told The New York 469 00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:56,640 Speaker 1: Times one of the secrets to a good relationship is 470 00:34:56,719 --> 00:35:00,719 Speaker 1: being attracted to someone out of choice rather then out 471 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:04,880 Speaker 1: of need. We might also hope that our partner wants 472 00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:07,880 Speaker 1: the same things in life that we do, the same 473 00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:11,640 Speaker 1: standard of living, the same family structure, the same likes 474 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:15,479 Speaker 1: and dislikes, the same friends, the same notions of how 475 00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:19,160 Speaker 1: money should be saved and spent, the same plans for 476 00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:21,840 Speaker 1: the future in terms of how hard we will work, 477 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:25,879 Speaker 1: how successful we will be, where we will live, how 478 00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:30,080 Speaker 1: we will handle unexpected challenges, and how frequently we will 479 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:33,920 Speaker 1: make changes. Even if we don't say this or even 480 00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:37,759 Speaker 1: think it, we subconsciously believe that we must share the 481 00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:41,439 Speaker 1: same values and goals to be in love. When one 482 00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:44,920 Speaker 1: person wants to spend Sunday with their family and the 483 00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:47,960 Speaker 1: other wants to play golf, or he wants to meet 484 00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:51,640 Speaker 1: her friends but she's not ready, they can rashly take 485 00:35:51,719 --> 00:35:54,080 Speaker 1: it as a sign that they're not meant to be 486 00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:57,880 Speaker 1: or later in a relationship. If they don't want to 487 00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:00,560 Speaker 1: move when we do, we might take it to mean 488 00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:03,279 Speaker 1: that they don't love us, And if they don't want 489 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:05,960 Speaker 1: to get married when we do, we think it's the end. 490 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:10,560 Speaker 1: It's also not uncommon in this phase to expect our 491 00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:14,520 Speaker 1: partners to read our minds, to understand as soon as 492 00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:18,200 Speaker 1: we speak, and to agree with us. We expect them 493 00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:21,960 Speaker 1: to channel our emotions and desires, to select the gift 494 00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:26,040 Speaker 1: we crave, to intuit how we want to celebrate our birthday, 495 00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:29,640 Speaker 1: what we want for dinner tonight, how much attention we want, 496 00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:34,279 Speaker 1: how much space we need. But creating something together is 497 00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:38,440 Speaker 1: better than wanting the same thing. How you handle your 498 00:36:38,520 --> 00:36:45,480 Speaker 1: differences is more important than finding your similarities. In phase two, 499 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:50,200 Speaker 1: we ground our dreams in reality by establishing rhythms and 500 00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:55,320 Speaker 1: routines that create the space to nurture the relationship slowly 501 00:36:55,719 --> 00:37:02,680 Speaker 1: and carefully. Rhythms and routines. Instead of chasing the dream 502 00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:05,480 Speaker 1: of what it might be to live happily ever after 503 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:09,720 Speaker 1: with this person, spend time getting to know them, building 504 00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:15,239 Speaker 1: your connection. Dreams are an illusion. Reality is far more 505 00:37:15,239 --> 00:37:20,399 Speaker 1: interesting in corporate settings, where systems are strong I urge 506 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:25,160 Speaker 1: leaders to incorporate sentiment in order to soften the rigidity 507 00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:31,640 Speaker 1: of organization and process, and in relationships where sentiment is strong, 508 00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:36,000 Speaker 1: I embed systems to help bring structure and order to 509 00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:41,520 Speaker 1: the emotional landscape. Rhythms and routines help us maintain a 510 00:37:41,560 --> 00:37:44,439 Speaker 1: steady pace that lets us get to know each other 511 00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:49,200 Speaker 1: gradually and genuinely. We acknowledge that we are both looking 512 00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:52,239 Speaker 1: for a long term relationship and hoping this is it. 513 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:56,880 Speaker 1: When we establish rhythms and routines together, instead of trying 514 00:37:56,920 --> 00:38:01,359 Speaker 1: to meet false expectations, our relationship is grounded in how 515 00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:04,400 Speaker 1: much time we'll spend together and how we'll spend it. 516 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,840 Speaker 1: We don't have to wonder when the person we're interested 517 00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:11,319 Speaker 1: in we'll call us next. We don't play games like 518 00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:14,560 Speaker 1: waiting a certain number of days before returning their call. 519 00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:19,839 Speaker 1: We also start to set healthy boundaries while observing how 520 00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:24,239 Speaker 1: our partner responds to them. Boundaries can be physical. Some 521 00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:27,840 Speaker 1: people choose to take their time becoming sexually intimate, and 522 00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:31,880 Speaker 1: they can also relate to time and emotions. A small 523 00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:36,600 Speaker 1: survey conducted by High Touch Communications, Inc. Found that after 524 00:38:36,719 --> 00:38:41,920 Speaker 1: work hours, most people expected friends, family, and romantic partners 525 00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:46,439 Speaker 1: to respond to a text within five minutes, but when 526 00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:49,680 Speaker 1: it came to work hours, they gave friends and family 527 00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:54,320 Speaker 1: an hour but still expected a romantic partner to respond 528 00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:59,200 Speaker 1: within five minutes. I've learned to give RADI around five 529 00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:05,960 Speaker 1: days with a reminder. Clinical psychologist Seth Meyers advises new 530 00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:11,080 Speaker 1: couples to exercise caution in psychology today. He writes that 531 00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:16,319 Speaker 1: lots of physical interaction right away heightens emotions and can 532 00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:20,040 Speaker 1: color how you see the other person. Looking at them 533 00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:24,400 Speaker 1: through rose colored glasses could make you overlook red flags 534 00:39:24,600 --> 00:39:28,200 Speaker 1: that would be more apparent or concerning if you weren't 535 00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:32,200 Speaker 1: under the influence of the bonding chemicals we release as 536 00:39:32,239 --> 00:39:37,840 Speaker 1: a result of physical contact, especially sex. Plus, you're forcing 537 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:42,240 Speaker 1: emotional intimacy with someone you barely know, and, as Meyers 538 00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:46,560 Speaker 1: points out, if you don't really know the person eliciting 539 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:51,239 Speaker 1: those intense emotional reactions, you may put yourself at risk. 540 00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:55,120 Speaker 1: If the person is kind and good and wants the 541 00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:58,760 Speaker 1: same things as you, there's no problem. If the person 542 00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:02,120 Speaker 1: doesn't have the same relationlationship goals as you, you may 543 00:40:02,239 --> 00:40:06,600 Speaker 1: end up feeling lonely and betrayed. He recommends that for 544 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:09,360 Speaker 1: at least the first month you see one another no 545 00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:13,080 Speaker 1: more than once a week, and if things are going well, 546 00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:17,040 Speaker 1: then you can slowly dial up the frequency of your dates. 547 00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:21,319 Speaker 1: When you encounter a new potential friend, for example, you 548 00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:24,600 Speaker 1: probably don't rush to see that friend several times per 549 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:28,719 Speaker 1: week after you first meet mys rights. Why should the 550 00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:33,960 Speaker 1: guidelines for starting a romantic relationship be so different. The 551 00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:37,240 Speaker 1: time and space we spend a part enhances the time 552 00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:41,200 Speaker 1: we spend together. We want to find a balance among 553 00:40:41,280 --> 00:40:45,759 Speaker 1: time together, time alone, time with our own friends, and 554 00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:49,960 Speaker 1: time with collective friends. In a week, you might decide 555 00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:54,480 Speaker 1: to spend one night alone, three nights together, two nights 556 00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:57,680 Speaker 1: with friends that you both know, and one night with 557 00:40:57,760 --> 00:41:02,040 Speaker 1: your own friends. This it gives you time together, time 558 00:41:02,080 --> 00:41:07,200 Speaker 1: to decompress, time to experience other people's energy together, and 559 00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:11,560 Speaker 1: time to decompress in a different way with your own friends. 560 00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:14,759 Speaker 1: When you do this, you should tell your partner why 561 00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:17,919 Speaker 1: it's important to you to structure your time this way. 562 00:41:19,080 --> 00:41:23,160 Speaker 1: Merely saying I need a loone time leaves them wondering 563 00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:26,920 Speaker 1: what they've done wrong, while saying I need a loone 564 00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:30,120 Speaker 1: time because I'm stressed out gives them a chance to 565 00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:34,640 Speaker 1: be supportive and understanding the schedule I just shared is 566 00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:37,719 Speaker 1: an example, but it gives you an idea of how 567 00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:45,920 Speaker 1: to think about your own. Try this. Set a schedule together, 568 00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:49,959 Speaker 1: work out how often you talk, message, and see each other. 569 00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:54,200 Speaker 1: Find an easy rhythm and healthy ratio that works for 570 00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:57,719 Speaker 1: both of you. Decide how you want to divvy up 571 00:41:57,760 --> 00:42:01,160 Speaker 1: your free time. Not every week has to be the same, 572 00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:03,600 Speaker 1: but when you have a sense of how you're going 573 00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:06,279 Speaker 1: to spend your time, you don't feel that you're in 574 00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:12,320 Speaker 1: a competition with other interests. Nights by yourself, nights together, 575 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:17,920 Speaker 1: nights with mutual friends, or family nights with your own friends. 576 00:42:20,120 --> 00:42:23,719 Speaker 1: Instead of setting rhythms and routines, we often worry or 577 00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:27,400 Speaker 1: wonder where the relationship is going, or complain to our 578 00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:31,000 Speaker 1: friends about it. We're afraid to have conversations with a 579 00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:33,879 Speaker 1: partner because we don't want to put pressure on them 580 00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:38,120 Speaker 1: or to be perceived as needy. But conversations about what 581 00:42:38,239 --> 00:42:41,200 Speaker 1: feels right to both of you at this point are 582 00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:46,240 Speaker 1: entirely appropriate. When you have these conversations, the other person 583 00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:50,160 Speaker 1: may not respond the way you hoped. Their pace and 584 00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:54,400 Speaker 1: commitment may be different from yours. This doesn't mean the 585 00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:59,560 Speaker 1: relationship is doomed. It means you can proceed with more clarity. 586 00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:03,480 Speaker 1: And if these topics scare someone off, you haven't made 587 00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:07,480 Speaker 1: a mistake. You've saved yourself the weeks and months you 588 00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:12,040 Speaker 1: might otherwise have spent waiting for the relationship to play out. 589 00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:18,840 Speaker 1: Instead of wondering why they never call. Do this set 590 00:43:18,840 --> 00:43:21,880 Speaker 1: a time to connect rather than leaving it up to 591 00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:27,439 Speaker 1: hope or chance. Instead of thinking they're too busy for you, 592 00:43:28,200 --> 00:43:32,040 Speaker 1: discuss how busy slash available you are in the upcoming week. 593 00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:37,520 Speaker 1: Instead of thinking they're moving too quickly, tell them you'd 594 00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:40,640 Speaker 1: like to move at a slower pace, but it doesn't 595 00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:45,480 Speaker 1: mean you're not interested. Instead of thinking they're moving too slowly, 596 00:43:46,320 --> 00:43:48,440 Speaker 1: tell them you want to make sure you've got the 597 00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:53,520 Speaker 1: same aspirations instead of worrying because they haven't introduced you 598 00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:58,440 Speaker 1: to their family or friends. Learn about their closest relationships 599 00:43:58,760 --> 00:44:02,440 Speaker 1: by asking questions and finding out who is important to 600 00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:07,280 Speaker 1: them and why. Instead of wondering if they're seeing other people, 601 00:44:08,080 --> 00:44:11,040 Speaker 1: ask them if they want to be exclusive, and hear 602 00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:16,080 Speaker 1: them out. In these conversations, you may not always like 603 00:44:16,280 --> 00:44:19,880 Speaker 1: what you learn. If the person doesn't react or respond 604 00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:23,280 Speaker 1: in the way you wanted, it doesn't mean this relationship 605 00:44:23,440 --> 00:44:26,799 Speaker 1: won't work. It means you can move forward in one 606 00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:35,120 Speaker 1: direction or another with clarity. Phase three struggle and growth. 607 00:44:36,520 --> 00:44:39,200 Speaker 1: We are meant to fall in love, be in love, 608 00:44:39,560 --> 00:44:42,480 Speaker 1: and stay in love, but we can't do any of 609 00:44:42,520 --> 00:44:46,040 Speaker 1: that if we expect every day to be Valentine's Day. 610 00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:51,200 Speaker 1: Trouble is inevitable. It comes when, as a couple we 611 00:44:51,280 --> 00:44:55,440 Speaker 1: inevitably discover the various ways in which we aren't aligned. 612 00:44:56,280 --> 00:45:00,520 Speaker 1: In Phase three, we confront those differences and disappoint ointments 613 00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:03,200 Speaker 1: and figure out if we want to put in the 614 00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:08,920 Speaker 1: effort that resolving or living with them requires. When I 615 00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:11,840 Speaker 1: was a monk, as you might imagine, we did a 616 00:45:11,880 --> 00:45:15,400 Speaker 1: lot of self reflection, and at one point my teacher 617 00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:18,359 Speaker 1: asked a group of us to rate how much we 618 00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:21,319 Speaker 1: were struggling with our minds on a scale of one 619 00:45:21,360 --> 00:45:25,399 Speaker 1: to ten. Our work was intense, and we all gave 620 00:45:25,440 --> 00:45:32,040 Speaker 1: ourselves pretty high struggle ratings. Then he said, well, imagine 621 00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:35,960 Speaker 1: if there were two minds trying to get along, two 622 00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:42,239 Speaker 1: different people from different households, with their own beliefs, values, expectations, 623 00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:47,120 Speaker 1: and dreams. There is no way this experiment can run smoothly. 624 00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:52,040 Speaker 1: Love means that you value your partner enough to confront 625 00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:59,040 Speaker 1: difficult areas. Relationships are masterfully designed to annoy us. It's 626 00:45:59,080 --> 00:46:02,080 Speaker 1: easier on your own when there's nobody around to question 627 00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:05,680 Speaker 1: you or bear witness to your flaws, but that's not 628 00:46:05,719 --> 00:46:09,959 Speaker 1: why you're in a relationship. Bringing awareness to your relationship 629 00:46:10,239 --> 00:46:15,040 Speaker 1: is uncomfortable. Many couples bump up against an opportunity for 630 00:46:15,160 --> 00:46:19,800 Speaker 1: realization and feel it as a burden. We expect love 631 00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:24,040 Speaker 1: to flow naturally, but this is extremely rare, and often 632 00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:26,840 Speaker 1: it means that we're not taking on the tougher issues. 633 00:46:27,800 --> 00:46:31,480 Speaker 1: We need to make mistakes, identify what we need to change, 634 00:46:31,920 --> 00:46:35,360 Speaker 1: and work on doing better. This is where we grow 635 00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:40,400 Speaker 1: as individuals and together. Many of these challenges are simple 636 00:46:40,600 --> 00:46:44,480 Speaker 1: and domestic. For example, in my house growing up, we 637 00:46:44,680 --> 00:46:48,360 Speaker 1: ate dinner, had dessert, hung out and talk for a while, 638 00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:53,439 Speaker 1: then cleaned up. In Radi's house, they ate dinner, cleaned up, 639 00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:57,600 Speaker 1: had dessert, and only when everything was all done would 640 00:46:57,600 --> 00:47:01,839 Speaker 1: they relax into conversation. When we first started entertaining as 641 00:47:01,880 --> 00:47:05,120 Speaker 1: a couple, after dinner, rather would clean up on her own, 642 00:47:05,480 --> 00:47:09,120 Speaker 1: and I felt guilty that I wasn't helping. I always 643 00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:11,600 Speaker 1: said that I'd clean a bit later and I meant it, 644 00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:15,160 Speaker 1: but she was locked into the ritual from her upbringing, 645 00:47:15,520 --> 00:47:19,359 Speaker 1: and I was locked into mine. Someone might say they'll 646 00:47:19,400 --> 00:47:22,360 Speaker 1: clean up later, and their partner might believe they're just 647 00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:28,440 Speaker 1: being lazy, But more often differences like this originate in backgrounds, cultures, 648 00:47:28,560 --> 00:47:34,280 Speaker 1: and habits. The small hurdles are issues like she's snores, 649 00:47:34,760 --> 00:47:38,440 Speaker 1: he's always late. They would rather watch TV when I 650 00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:41,319 Speaker 1: want to go to a museum. I can't stand her 651 00:47:41,360 --> 00:47:45,640 Speaker 1: best friend. He wants to spend every holiday at his parents' home. 652 00:47:46,320 --> 00:47:50,000 Speaker 1: They have three cats and I'm allergic. And they may 653 00:47:50,040 --> 00:47:55,319 Speaker 1: be bigger hurdles, like he has massive student debt. She 654 00:47:55,520 --> 00:47:59,120 Speaker 1: has a temper that scares me. We have a long 655 00:47:59,160 --> 00:48:03,600 Speaker 1: distance relationship and neither of us wants to move. She 656 00:48:03,719 --> 00:48:08,560 Speaker 1: doesn't want to have children and I do. Disagreements large 657 00:48:08,600 --> 00:48:12,600 Speaker 1: and small may challenge your confidence in your bond. You 658 00:48:12,680 --> 00:48:18,440 Speaker 1: may feel I thought I loved you. But in that situation, 659 00:48:18,880 --> 00:48:22,160 Speaker 1: there are three routes you can take. Two of them 660 00:48:22,520 --> 00:48:27,279 Speaker 1: lead to important realizations. You can leave the relationship, in 661 00:48:27,320 --> 00:48:31,080 Speaker 1: which case you realize this person doesn't suit your priorities. 662 00:48:32,040 --> 00:48:35,160 Speaker 1: You can work through the issue together and grow, in 663 00:48:35,200 --> 00:48:38,759 Speaker 1: which case you realize you're feeling positive enough about your 664 00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:43,080 Speaker 1: bond to evolve together, or you can stay together without 665 00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:47,680 Speaker 1: changing anything, in which case you don't realize anything. I 666 00:48:47,760 --> 00:48:51,960 Speaker 1: advise you not to make the third choice. This phase 667 00:48:52,120 --> 00:48:55,840 Speaker 1: is very important when it comes to defining love, because 668 00:48:55,880 --> 00:48:58,600 Speaker 1: you either realize that something is a deal breaker for 669 00:48:58,680 --> 00:49:01,359 Speaker 1: you or that you are willing to go through the 670 00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:05,680 Speaker 1: growth that facing the issue involves, and if it's the latter, 671 00:49:06,280 --> 00:49:09,879 Speaker 1: you will come through the experience with a stronger, more 672 00:49:09,920 --> 00:49:15,040 Speaker 1: resilient love. We will discuss relationship challenges like these in 673 00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:21,160 Speaker 1: more depth in Rules five and six. Phase four Trust. 674 00:49:22,680 --> 00:49:26,520 Speaker 1: After we've overcome a challenge together, we grow. We learn 675 00:49:26,640 --> 00:49:30,680 Speaker 1: to tolerate, adjust, and adapt. The growth that we do 676 00:49:30,760 --> 00:49:35,759 Speaker 1: together builds into trust. Evaluating the breadth and depth of 677 00:49:35,800 --> 00:49:39,480 Speaker 1: your trust for someone is a way of understanding and 678 00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:44,520 Speaker 1: defining your love. In the fourth and highest phase, sometimes 679 00:49:44,640 --> 00:49:48,640 Speaker 1: we assume trust is binary, either we trust someone or 680 00:49:48,680 --> 00:49:54,680 Speaker 1: we don't, but trust increases gradually through actions, thoughts, and words. 681 00:49:55,360 --> 00:49:59,239 Speaker 1: We shouldn't trust someone instantly just because they're kind to us. 682 00:50:00,120 --> 00:50:03,879 Speaker 1: We give them our trust because little by little, day 683 00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:08,120 Speaker 1: after day, we have shared more of ourselves and seen 684 00:50:08,160 --> 00:50:11,680 Speaker 1: what they do with our honesty. All of the earlier 685 00:50:11,760 --> 00:50:17,240 Speaker 1: phases build on one another to get us here. Trust 686 00:50:17,440 --> 00:50:22,680 Speaker 1: begins with ourselves. We need to be trustworthy. This means 687 00:50:22,840 --> 00:50:28,080 Speaker 1: aligning what we think, say, and do. When we think something, 688 00:50:28,440 --> 00:50:32,000 Speaker 1: we express it, and then we carry through with the idea. 689 00:50:33,080 --> 00:50:37,080 Speaker 1: This means we can trust ourselves. So if I feel 690 00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:40,359 Speaker 1: like I need a night to myself, I communicate that 691 00:50:40,520 --> 00:50:44,600 Speaker 1: to my partner and then I take the time. I 692 00:50:44,640 --> 00:50:48,120 Speaker 1: feel the benefit of the gift I've given myself, and 693 00:50:48,160 --> 00:50:52,400 Speaker 1: I trust myself to take good care of myself. My 694 00:50:52,480 --> 00:50:56,920 Speaker 1: partner sees me following through on my ideas, observes the results, 695 00:50:57,239 --> 00:51:01,799 Speaker 1: and recognizes my trustworthiness. Then I do the same for 696 00:51:01,880 --> 00:51:05,200 Speaker 1: my partner. I follow through on my promises to them. 697 00:51:05,880 --> 00:51:09,080 Speaker 1: I show them that I'm trustworthy and in doing so, 698 00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:13,000 Speaker 1: inspire them to respond with an equal level of trust. 699 00:51:14,520 --> 00:51:17,600 Speaker 1: We trust people more when they make us feel safe, 700 00:51:18,040 --> 00:51:21,719 Speaker 1: when they make healthy decisions, when we feel like they 701 00:51:21,760 --> 00:51:25,400 Speaker 1: conduct their life based on values that we agree with. 702 00:51:26,320 --> 00:51:29,239 Speaker 1: To evaluate the depth and breadth of your trust for 703 00:51:29,360 --> 00:51:35,320 Speaker 1: your partner, consider these three aspects physical trust, mental trust, 704 00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:40,440 Speaker 1: and emotional trust. Physical trust is when you feel safe 705 00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:43,759 Speaker 1: and cared for in their presence. They want to be 706 00:51:43,880 --> 00:51:47,719 Speaker 1: with you, their present and attentive, and being around them 707 00:51:47,760 --> 00:51:52,280 Speaker 1: feels good. Mental trust is when you trust their mind, 708 00:51:52,560 --> 00:51:56,960 Speaker 1: their ideas, their thoughtfulness. You may not agree with every 709 00:51:57,000 --> 00:52:01,000 Speaker 1: decision they make, but you trust the way they make decisions. 710 00:52:01,920 --> 00:52:05,919 Speaker 1: Emotional trust is when you trust their values and who 711 00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:09,000 Speaker 1: they are as a human. Do they treat you well? 712 00:52:09,560 --> 00:52:13,440 Speaker 1: Are they supportive? Do you trust how they behave not 713 00:52:13,560 --> 00:52:16,600 Speaker 1: just with you, but with the other people in their life, 714 00:52:17,040 --> 00:52:21,279 Speaker 1: from close friends to a waiter. It's okay if you 715 00:52:21,360 --> 00:52:25,239 Speaker 1: don't have absolute trust for your partner across this spectrum, 716 00:52:25,719 --> 00:52:29,640 Speaker 1: and they can make mistakes that challenge your trust. When 717 00:52:29,680 --> 00:52:34,120 Speaker 1: you identify weak spots, consider how significant the weakness is. 718 00:52:34,920 --> 00:52:37,879 Speaker 1: How does it affect you if you don't trust them 719 00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:41,120 Speaker 1: in areas that are important to you. You can give 720 00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:46,120 Speaker 1: your partner grace and maintain trust by sharing honestly around 721 00:52:46,120 --> 00:52:51,960 Speaker 1: the issues. It's impossible to have trust if there is dishonesty, secrets, 722 00:52:52,280 --> 00:52:56,680 Speaker 1: or gaslighting. Trust builds very slowly and needs to be 723 00:52:56,840 --> 00:53:01,760 Speaker 1: nurtured and sustained. Think of it growing by percentage points. 724 00:53:02,520 --> 00:53:05,960 Speaker 1: Each time someone thinks, says, and does the same thing. 725 00:53:06,640 --> 00:53:11,400 Speaker 1: Trust grows by one percentage point. In the beginning you 726 00:53:11,520 --> 00:53:14,480 Speaker 1: trust them to speak the truth about whom they're with 727 00:53:14,960 --> 00:53:18,759 Speaker 1: and what they're doing, and what they think. Each time 728 00:53:18,800 --> 00:53:23,560 Speaker 1: they do, trust grows another point. Then, as we ask 729 00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:27,360 Speaker 1: them to understand our emotions and they listen, the points 730 00:53:27,400 --> 00:53:31,600 Speaker 1: ad up. When we share our faults, trust grows further, 731 00:53:32,640 --> 00:53:37,000 Speaker 1: but trust fluctuates. If they fail to understand us, or 732 00:53:37,040 --> 00:53:40,719 Speaker 1: they mislead us, or they betray us, our level of 733 00:53:40,800 --> 00:53:45,200 Speaker 1: trust sinks and needs to be rebuilt. When we overcome 734 00:53:45,239 --> 00:53:49,680 Speaker 1: a challenge together, trust grows again. We begin to trust 735 00:53:49,719 --> 00:53:53,840 Speaker 1: them with our plans and dreams, and finally, we trust 736 00:53:53,840 --> 00:53:57,399 Speaker 1: them enough to share our trauma with them. When our 737 00:53:57,400 --> 00:54:00,880 Speaker 1: trust is high, we feel a love that is physically 738 00:54:01,080 --> 00:54:05,600 Speaker 1: and emotionally safe and secure. Our partner becomes the person 739 00:54:05,680 --> 00:54:09,040 Speaker 1: we turn to with good news and bad news, knowing 740 00:54:09,080 --> 00:54:11,880 Speaker 1: that they'll be on our side and by our side, 741 00:54:12,360 --> 00:54:19,640 Speaker 1: helping us to weather challenges and celebrate successes. Try this 742 00:54:20,680 --> 00:54:25,120 Speaker 1: daily trust. One of my favorite ways to show trust 743 00:54:25,239 --> 00:54:29,440 Speaker 1: every day is to notice and recognize when someone follows 744 00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:33,600 Speaker 1: through on a promise. Often we reward people with thanks 745 00:54:33,600 --> 00:54:37,280 Speaker 1: and gratitude when they surprise us with a nice gesture. 746 00:54:38,160 --> 00:54:41,520 Speaker 1: Your partner prepares a delicious dinner that you didn't expect, 747 00:54:41,880 --> 00:54:45,000 Speaker 1: and you heap on the gratitude. We do the same 748 00:54:45,080 --> 00:54:48,880 Speaker 1: when they do something that they rarely do. But trust 749 00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:53,919 Speaker 1: comes with quiet reliability. What about the partner who makes 750 00:54:53,960 --> 00:54:57,799 Speaker 1: dinner for us regularly? We should show our appreciation for 751 00:54:57,840 --> 00:55:01,600 Speaker 1: the efforts that they make daily. The more you reward it, 752 00:55:01,960 --> 00:55:05,160 Speaker 1: the more they'll repeat it, and we build their trust 753 00:55:05,200 --> 00:55:09,760 Speaker 1: in us the same way by showing up this week. 754 00:55:10,120 --> 00:55:13,480 Speaker 1: Make an effort to thank your partner for the effort 755 00:55:13,600 --> 00:55:18,759 Speaker 1: and energy they consistently bring to your partnership. Be specific. 756 00:55:19,520 --> 00:55:23,440 Speaker 1: Instead of saying thanks for listening, you can say, I 757 00:55:23,520 --> 00:55:26,560 Speaker 1: know I always come home and unload my emotions from 758 00:55:26,560 --> 00:55:30,239 Speaker 1: work on you. I really appreciate how you listen and 759 00:55:30,320 --> 00:55:35,880 Speaker 1: give me helpful advice. Love brings us through all of 760 00:55:35,920 --> 00:55:40,480 Speaker 1: these phases over and over again. We never stop deepening 761 00:55:40,480 --> 00:55:44,960 Speaker 1: our faith in each other. We endlessly find our attraction renewed. 762 00:55:45,680 --> 00:55:49,960 Speaker 1: We work to remove impurities. Love means that we're happy 763 00:55:50,000 --> 00:55:54,120 Speaker 1: to go through this cycle together. Now, the dreams that 764 00:55:54,160 --> 00:55:58,240 Speaker 1: you had in phase two are real. They may be different, 765 00:55:58,600 --> 00:56:02,920 Speaker 1: they're probably better than anything you dared to dream. Instead 766 00:56:02,920 --> 00:56:06,359 Speaker 1: of fantasizing in your head, you can try out new 767 00:56:06,480 --> 00:56:16,759 Speaker 1: dreams together. Try this, build realistic dreams together. Establish your 768 00:56:16,760 --> 00:56:20,680 Speaker 1: monthly check in. Commit an hour every month to talk 769 00:56:20,680 --> 00:56:25,400 Speaker 1: about your relationship. This gives you an opportunity to reaffirm 770 00:56:25,600 --> 00:56:31,680 Speaker 1: what's working and redirect what's not working. Identify a highlight. 771 00:56:32,440 --> 00:56:35,680 Speaker 1: What are you grateful for? This helps you both know 772 00:56:36,160 --> 00:56:41,560 Speaker 1: what's going well. Identify a challenge. What are you struggling with? 773 00:56:42,360 --> 00:56:46,759 Speaker 1: This helps you see what needs work. Find something to 774 00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:50,920 Speaker 1: work toward together this coming month. It could be a 775 00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:55,000 Speaker 1: date night, a birthday celebration, a trip, a plan to 776 00:56:55,080 --> 00:56:57,719 Speaker 1: redo a room in the home. You can look through 777 00:56:57,719 --> 00:57:00,879 Speaker 1: a website to research a vacation you want to take. 778 00:57:01,840 --> 00:57:06,680 Speaker 1: This way, you're building your dreams together together. You're working 779 00:57:06,719 --> 00:57:09,800 Speaker 1: on how you want your relationship to look and feel. 780 00:57:11,920 --> 00:57:16,040 Speaker 1: To experience all that relationships have to offer. Means facing 781 00:57:16,080 --> 00:57:21,439 Speaker 1: the challenges and rewards of every stage of love. Sometimes 782 00:57:21,560 --> 00:57:25,640 Speaker 1: people jump from relationship to relationship because they're trying to 783 00:57:25,720 --> 00:57:30,480 Speaker 1: avoid the challenges that love requires. You could date someone 784 00:57:30,560 --> 00:57:33,240 Speaker 1: new every three months and have a lot of fun, 785 00:57:33,960 --> 00:57:37,400 Speaker 1: but there is no growth in the cycle of just flirting, 786 00:57:37,680 --> 00:57:41,920 Speaker 1: hooking up, and ditching. It is this ongoing growth and 787 00:57:42,120 --> 00:57:46,560 Speaker 1: understanding that helps us sustain the fun of love, the 788 00:57:46,680 --> 00:57:50,880 Speaker 1: connection of love, the trust of love, the reward of love. 789 00:57:51,640 --> 00:57:56,479 Speaker 1: If we never commit, we'll never get to love. Once 790 00:57:56,520 --> 00:57:59,200 Speaker 1: in a place of trust and commitment, you and your 791 00:57:59,240 --> 00:58:03,320 Speaker 1: partner reveal yourselves to each other and share more of 792 00:58:03,400 --> 00:58:07,920 Speaker 1: yourselves than you allow anyone else to see. This exchange 793 00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:12,160 Speaker 1: puts you in a unique position. We don't usually think 794 00:58:12,200 --> 00:58:16,840 Speaker 1: of relationships in terms of learning and teaching, but that 795 00:58:17,000 --> 00:58:20,840 Speaker 1: is exactly what we will explore in the next chapter, 796 00:58:21,840 --> 00:58:26,440 Speaker 1: how to learn from and teach our partner. Thank you 797 00:58:26,520 --> 00:58:29,520 Speaker 1: so much for listening to today. I really hope that 798 00:58:29,640 --> 00:58:32,840 Speaker 1: I was able to help you define love, and I 799 00:58:32,880 --> 00:58:35,880 Speaker 1: really hope that this episode brought joy into your life. 800 00:58:35,960 --> 00:58:39,280 Speaker 1: I hope it brought some clarity into your life, and now, 801 00:58:39,320 --> 00:58:42,040 Speaker 1: as you move forward and redefine love, I hope it 802 00:58:42,040 --> 00:58:46,120 Speaker 1: brings more of your definition of love into your life. 803 00:58:46,200 --> 00:58:48,200 Speaker 1: If you don't already have the hard copy of my 804 00:58:48,200 --> 00:58:50,919 Speaker 1: book or the audiobook, head over right now to eight 805 00:58:51,000 --> 00:58:53,520 Speaker 1: Rules of Love dot Com. I can't wait for you 806 00:58:53,560 --> 00:59:05,840 Speaker 1: to read and hear the rest. I once heard that 807 00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:10,280 Speaker 1: more than one hundred million love songs have been recorded, 808 00:59:11,240 --> 00:59:14,520 Speaker 1: and while I have no idea if that number is accurate. 809 00:59:15,240 --> 00:59:20,040 Speaker 1: It kind of makes sense. We're obsessed with love. We 810 00:59:20,120 --> 00:59:25,320 Speaker 1: seek it, we celebrate it. When we lose it, we're devastated, 811 00:59:26,320 --> 00:59:30,000 Speaker 1: and when we're in love, we feel like there's nothing 812 00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:34,520 Speaker 1: else in the world. So if love is all you need, 813 00:59:35,280 --> 00:59:40,120 Speaker 1: then why do good things often go wrong? Today we're 814 00:59:40,160 --> 00:59:43,480 Speaker 1: going to make sense of that. The next seven minutes 815 00:59:43,720 --> 00:59:48,560 Speaker 1: are about you, your relationships, and thinking of love as 816 00:59:48,560 --> 00:59:53,040 Speaker 1: a verb. I'm Jay Shaddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay. 817 00:59:54,680 --> 00:59:59,120 Speaker 1: I know your heart's probably all a flutter, but let's 818 00:59:59,160 --> 01:00:09,040 Speaker 1: start as usual with our deep centering breaths, inhaling and exhaling, 819 01:00:11,400 --> 01:00:21,760 Speaker 1: stretching up on the inhale and sinking down on the exhale, 820 01:00:21,960 --> 01:00:29,920 Speaker 1: allowing your mind to relax, and being present in this 821 01:00:30,120 --> 01:00:39,600 Speaker 1: moment beautiful. Let's dive in. When I first met my 822 01:00:39,680 --> 01:00:43,760 Speaker 1: wife Radi, I knew she was pretty special. She was 823 01:00:43,840 --> 01:00:47,680 Speaker 1: kind and loving towards everyone, and just had this genuinely 824 01:00:47,880 --> 01:00:53,120 Speaker 1: happy spirit. As we started dating, like most new relationships, 825 01:00:53,680 --> 01:00:58,640 Speaker 1: we were both extra considerate, extra thoughtful. We went above 826 01:00:58,640 --> 01:01:02,560 Speaker 1: and beyond to exhibit our interest in each other. I 827 01:01:02,720 --> 01:01:08,080 Speaker 1: planned special dates, got her special gifts. I would drop 828 01:01:08,120 --> 01:01:10,720 Speaker 1: anything for a chance to show how much she meant 829 01:01:10,720 --> 01:01:14,919 Speaker 1: to me. Even before I had truly fallen in love 830 01:01:14,960 --> 01:01:18,280 Speaker 1: with her, I acted as if she was the most 831 01:01:18,360 --> 01:01:25,720 Speaker 1: important thing in my universe, and rather reciprocated completely. Then 832 01:01:25,800 --> 01:01:29,960 Speaker 1: we evolved into a committed relationship and things changed a bit. 833 01:01:30,800 --> 01:01:34,720 Speaker 1: We settled into a comfortable routine, spending more time together, 834 01:01:35,520 --> 01:01:39,840 Speaker 1: but less energy on each other. Maybe the date nights 835 01:01:39,920 --> 01:01:43,760 Speaker 1: were a little less unique. Maybe I didn't always go 836 01:01:43,840 --> 01:01:49,120 Speaker 1: above and beyond. I loved RUDDI, but in reality I 837 01:01:49,280 --> 01:01:55,440 Speaker 1: demonstrated it less. My effort wasn't the same. That behavior 838 01:01:55,840 --> 01:01:59,080 Speaker 1: is so common, isn't it? And it's made me think 839 01:01:59,200 --> 01:02:03,920 Speaker 1: how the idea of love is misunderstood and misused in 840 01:02:03,960 --> 01:02:08,480 Speaker 1: the modern world. We tend to treat love like a noun, 841 01:02:09,120 --> 01:02:15,000 Speaker 1: a thing, something we possess, something we achieve. You can 842 01:02:15,080 --> 01:02:18,040 Speaker 1: hear it in the language we use to discuss it, 843 01:02:18,240 --> 01:02:22,520 Speaker 1: like I worked hard to win her love, as if 844 01:02:22,520 --> 01:02:25,200 Speaker 1: you're at a carnival and you finally knock down all 845 01:02:25,240 --> 01:02:27,840 Speaker 1: the milk cans and you get to take home a 846 01:02:27,840 --> 01:02:31,120 Speaker 1: plush Ti DII monkey which will sit on a shelf 847 01:02:31,240 --> 01:02:36,880 Speaker 1: as a reminder of your accomplishment. Or we view it 848 01:02:36,960 --> 01:02:40,840 Speaker 1: as an emotion we feel and one we expect to 849 01:02:40,960 --> 01:02:48,280 Speaker 1: feel forever. When you say I am in love, it's 850 01:02:48,360 --> 01:02:51,920 Speaker 1: like you're physically floating in a pool or something and 851 01:02:51,960 --> 01:02:56,120 Speaker 1: you get to chill there for eternity. But I like 852 01:02:56,160 --> 01:02:59,760 Speaker 1: to think of love as a verb, an action you do. 853 01:03:01,080 --> 01:03:05,800 Speaker 1: Love does not merely exist. You don't have it and 854 01:03:05,880 --> 01:03:12,000 Speaker 1: you don't just feel it. Love is doing. Love is behaving. 855 01:03:13,280 --> 01:03:19,560 Speaker 1: Love is constant creation, moment by moment, day after day. 856 01:03:20,960 --> 01:03:26,120 Speaker 1: It's listening with compassion and attention. It's jumping to help 857 01:03:26,840 --> 01:03:31,200 Speaker 1: even if you're busy. It's trying a new recipe instead 858 01:03:31,200 --> 01:03:37,160 Speaker 1: of something you always make. Most of all, it's unselfish 859 01:03:37,920 --> 01:03:42,880 Speaker 1: prioritizing someone else and keeping their best interests in mind. 860 01:03:44,360 --> 01:03:49,080 Speaker 1: So if you love someone, show it even more than 861 01:03:49,120 --> 01:03:54,040 Speaker 1: you do when you're trying to win their affection. That's 862 01:03:54,160 --> 01:03:57,160 Speaker 1: now what I try to do with RADI. I put 863 01:03:57,160 --> 01:04:02,240 Speaker 1: in the effort to love herly instead of letting love 864 01:04:02,320 --> 01:04:07,320 Speaker 1: be a routine or something I take for granted. And 865 01:04:07,360 --> 01:04:11,680 Speaker 1: as our time today winds down, let's reflect a bit 866 01:04:12,240 --> 01:04:18,880 Speaker 1: on love, starting with our moment of meditation. So get 867 01:04:18,920 --> 01:04:29,440 Speaker 1: comfortable wherever you are, embracing tranquility. Now, I'd like you 868 01:04:29,520 --> 01:04:41,880 Speaker 1: to bring your awareness to calm, balance, ease, stillness, and peace. 869 01:04:46,960 --> 01:04:51,680 Speaker 1: Whenever your mind wanders, see if you can gently bring 870 01:04:51,760 --> 01:05:09,360 Speaker 1: it back to calm, balance, ease, stillness, and peace. Now, 871 01:05:09,440 --> 01:05:18,480 Speaker 1: become aware of your natural breathing pattern. Don't force or 872 01:05:18,480 --> 01:05:24,560 Speaker 1: pressure your breath. Just focus on how it feels to 873 01:05:24,680 --> 01:05:37,960 Speaker 1: breathe in and out. Whatever you're experiencing is normal. Try 874 01:05:38,000 --> 01:05:49,920 Speaker 1: not to judge yourself or the moment. Have patience and 875 01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:57,520 Speaker 1: come back to the breath. Now, let's open this up. 876 01:05:59,000 --> 01:06:03,360 Speaker 1: Bring to mind someone you love, and it can be 877 01:06:03,480 --> 01:06:10,520 Speaker 1: anyone you care about, not just a romantic partner. Reflect 878 01:06:10,560 --> 01:06:18,840 Speaker 1: on how you demonstrate your care and affection. How could 879 01:06:18,840 --> 01:06:23,640 Speaker 1: you treat love as more of a verb. Think of 880 01:06:23,680 --> 01:06:31,840 Speaker 1: an action you could do today. I love taking this 881 01:06:32,000 --> 01:06:35,120 Speaker 1: ride with you every day, and I'm so grateful that 882 01:06:35,200 --> 01:06:38,160 Speaker 1: you keep joining. I'll see you again tomorrow