WEBVTT - Bonus content with Julie Benz 0:00:01.560 --> 0:00:09.200 You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garland. Hey, everyone, 0:00:09.520 --> 0:00:11.719 welcome back to I Choose Me. We are going to 0:00:11.840 --> 0:00:15.680 jump back into my conversation with Julie Ben's. We ended 0:00:15.760 --> 0:00:21.200 up connecting on something that so many people face, whether 0:00:21.320 --> 0:00:24.680 or not to have children and what happens if things 0:00:24.880 --> 0:00:28.080 don't go as planned. I love sitting down with people 0:00:28.120 --> 0:00:31.880 and finding the parallels in our lives. Because my husband Dave, 0:00:31.920 --> 0:00:35.040 and I tried to have kids as well. It didn't work. Yeah, 0:00:35.080 --> 0:00:38.080 I did the IVF yep. Did you try IVF? 0:00:38.320 --> 0:00:38.680 Yes? 0:00:39.200 --> 0:00:41.360 And how long did you try it? Because I was like, 0:00:41.800 --> 0:00:43.760 I didn't do it for very long because I couldn't 0:00:43.760 --> 0:00:44.120 handle it. 0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:47.519 We did a handful of rounds. I mean when we 0:00:47.560 --> 0:00:51.040 got married, I was forty, So when I got divorced 0:00:51.080 --> 0:00:55.200 at thirty four, I knew possibly I was walking away 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:59.320 from my fertility. But I had tried in my late 0:00:59.400 --> 0:01:02.440 twenties to get pregnant with my ex husband and it 0:01:02.480 --> 0:01:06.600 didn't happen then, so I kind of knew that. I 0:01:06.640 --> 0:01:09.880 started accepting the fact that it might not happen for me. 0:01:10.880 --> 0:01:15.440 And I remember, like my both my obg y N 0:01:15.720 --> 0:01:17.840 and my therapist at the time they wanted me to 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:22.520 freeze eggs, and they also wanted me to freeze embryos. 0:01:22.560 --> 0:01:27.080 And I went through that whole process, and I went 0:01:27.120 --> 0:01:32.679 through the whole like donor sperm questionnaire, like hair color, 0:01:32.760 --> 0:01:36.560 eye color, he wait, like all the all the questions. 0:01:36.760 --> 0:01:38.720 And I told my therapist, I was like, you know, 0:01:38.760 --> 0:01:40.880 I keep looking for the box that says with the 0:01:40.920 --> 0:01:44.399 man who loves me, and there's no box to check 0:01:44.520 --> 0:01:47.520 when it comes to a donor sperm, right, And so 0:01:47.680 --> 0:01:52.880 I made the choice that I was going to see 0:01:52.920 --> 0:01:59.000 what life would bring and not freeze embryos or freeze eggs. 0:02:00.040 --> 0:02:01.800 And I thought, you know, because I was like, I 0:02:01.840 --> 0:02:04.160 don't I don't want to do it on my own. 0:02:05.200 --> 0:02:05.600 I'm not. 0:02:07.920 --> 0:02:11.600 Just being a mom on my own. Just wasn't it 0:02:11.720 --> 0:02:14.440 just wasn't something I wanted to do alone. 0:02:14.680 --> 0:02:15.640 So I took that risk. 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:19.359 And then once we got married, we started trying, and 0:02:19.440 --> 0:02:23.360 we did a handful of rounds and we made a 0:02:23.400 --> 0:02:27.320 couple embryos, and then we did the genetic testing and 0:02:27.360 --> 0:02:32.080 they all came back back and basically I remember the 0:02:32.160 --> 0:02:35.440 doctor called and was like, you know, you probably all 0:02:35.520 --> 0:02:36.840 always had old eggs. 0:02:38.760 --> 0:02:39.399 Yeah. 0:02:39.440 --> 0:02:41.200 I love this conversation. 0:02:40.840 --> 0:02:43.359 Right, And I remember this so vividly. 0:02:43.520 --> 0:02:47.640 I I was really I was crying, and I went 0:02:47.919 --> 0:02:49.640 and I was living in West Hollywood at the time, 0:02:49.680 --> 0:02:51.320 and I went and walked my dogs and I got 0:02:51.320 --> 0:02:55.520 paparazzied walking my dogs, and I'm bowling, but I start 0:02:55.600 --> 0:02:58.640 smiling because it's you know, I don't want the paparazzi 0:02:58.680 --> 0:03:01.880 to catch me crying. And I'm like smiling and waving, 0:03:02.000 --> 0:03:04.480 and then like, I remember that photo ran in some 0:03:04.600 --> 0:03:08.400 tabloids saying, you know, you know Dexter star Julie Ben's 0:03:08.480 --> 0:03:09.440 outwalking her dogs. 0:03:09.480 --> 0:03:10.400 Doesn't she look great? 0:03:10.680 --> 0:03:15.480 And I was like, he only knew what I was 0:03:15.520 --> 0:03:20.880 going through in that moment. But you know, for me, 0:03:21.880 --> 0:03:25.600 we explored other options. And then by that point, I mean, 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:30.640 I was forty four and I really did some soul 0:03:30.680 --> 0:03:33.919 searching and was like, first of all, I always thought 0:03:33.960 --> 0:03:35.160 I'd be the hot young mom. 0:03:37.440 --> 0:03:41.920 In second, I don't want to be sixty with a teenager. 0:03:42.680 --> 0:03:43.520 Yeah. 0:03:43.720 --> 0:03:47.280 So you think if Rich my husband and I, if 0:03:47.280 --> 0:03:50.200 we were in our thirties, we would have explored other options, 0:03:51.440 --> 0:03:54.080 egg donor Saragi, adoption, all of that. 0:03:54.360 --> 0:03:56.120 But I think I had. 0:03:56.040 --> 0:03:58.480 To be really real about where I was in my 0:03:58.560 --> 0:04:02.920 life and say, like, I mean, having a baby is great, 0:04:03.640 --> 0:04:07.840 but they turn into teenagers eventually, and I don't know 0:04:07.880 --> 0:04:12.200 if that's sixty that's for me. I don't know if 0:04:12.240 --> 0:04:20.520 i'd be a good mom at sixty. I'm gonna be tired. Yeah, 0:04:20.560 --> 0:04:22.799 so how old is your husband? 0:04:23.160 --> 0:04:24.600 He's a year younger, that year younger. 0:04:24.600 --> 0:04:26.599 And you said he was never married before, so he 0:04:26.640 --> 0:04:29.080 didn't have kids, no coming in Okay. 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:32.440 He's an identical twin and he has two nephews. And 0:04:32.480 --> 0:04:34.680 then he has another brother that has a niece and 0:04:34.720 --> 0:04:37.720 a nephew and we're very close to them. And then 0:04:37.720 --> 0:04:40.360 my best friend has four kids that were the godparents 0:04:40.360 --> 0:04:42.920 of so we have a lot of children in our life, right, 0:04:44.040 --> 0:04:46.760 So we decided to pivot then and just be like, 0:04:46.880 --> 0:04:51.279 let's be let's be the best aunt and uncle and 0:04:51.360 --> 0:04:51.919 let's do that. 0:04:52.440 --> 0:04:57.640 I love that though. It's admirable that you sat down 0:04:57.680 --> 0:05:02.000 and really waited out, because it sounds like like naturally 0:05:02.200 --> 0:05:03.839 you wanted to be a mom. You're one of the 0:05:03.880 --> 0:05:05.680 people that was like, yeah, sure, I'm going to have 0:05:05.720 --> 0:05:08.360 a family, I'm gonna be a mom someday. And then 0:05:08.480 --> 0:05:11.920 as your life rolls out, for one reason or another 0:05:12.440 --> 0:05:15.680 it doesn't go as you thought it would. Yeah, and 0:05:17.080 --> 0:05:18.960 you know, just hearing you say that, you know that 0:05:19.000 --> 0:05:24.760 paparazzi experience where you were going through something so painful. Yeah, 0:05:26.040 --> 0:05:28.080 and then you had to fake like you were happy. 0:05:28.640 --> 0:05:29.240 Yeah. 0:05:29.440 --> 0:05:31.760 It was so surprising, was the photo. Like you could 0:05:31.760 --> 0:05:34.040 see like tears coming down my face, but nobody ever 0:05:34.080 --> 0:05:34.640 said anything. 0:05:34.680 --> 0:05:38.600 I was like, you're a good actress, fake it till 0:05:38.600 --> 0:05:39.120 you're feel it. 0:05:41.040 --> 0:05:44.800 I mean, but a lot of women, you know, struggle 0:05:44.839 --> 0:05:48.640 with the same thing, and that decision to change gears 0:05:49.680 --> 0:05:57.480 can leave them feeling somehow empty, somehow unuseful, or some 0:05:57.839 --> 0:06:00.680 way of like feeling bad about themselves. 0:06:02.279 --> 0:06:05.640 It was I mean, I would say for the first 0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:12.440 year after, it was really tough. And I didn't share 0:06:12.480 --> 0:06:16.240 it publicly because I'm just not that like, I just 0:06:16.279 --> 0:06:20.919 didn't feel comfortable sharing it publicly. And I remember we 0:06:21.000 --> 0:06:27.680 would be at dinner with people like friends, like work, 0:06:27.760 --> 0:06:30.440 colleagues of my husband's and their wives, and their wives 0:06:30.480 --> 0:06:33.200 would be like, oh, you gonna have kids, and I'd 0:06:33.200 --> 0:06:36.440 be like no, and they'd be like, oh my god, 0:06:36.520 --> 0:06:38.400 you have you have to have children, like you have 0:06:38.480 --> 0:06:40.279 to Oh my gosh, the best and they go into 0:06:40.279 --> 0:06:42.640 this whole thing, and I started getting to this point 0:06:42.640 --> 0:06:44.880 where I would just be like, I can't have children, 0:06:46.600 --> 0:06:48.039 and my husband would be like, why. 0:06:47.880 --> 0:06:49.400 Are you so mean about it? 0:06:49.480 --> 0:06:51.720 And I'm like, because I don't want to have the conversation, 0:06:52.520 --> 0:06:56.320 Like I don't want to have to have the conversation 0:06:56.920 --> 0:07:00.160 with people that I don't know very well, and it's 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:01.680 the only way I know how to shut them up. 0:07:02.040 --> 0:07:05.520 Really, it was just me like I can't have kids, 0:07:05.800 --> 0:07:06.360 and they'd be. 0:07:06.240 --> 0:07:11.000 Like, oh, yeah, next subject, let's talk about something else. Huh. 0:07:11.800 --> 0:07:16.000 So yeah, I know. For me, I had was blessed 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:19.080 with my three daughters in my first marriage or second marriage. Sorry, 0:07:19.120 --> 0:07:24.080 now let's get technical. And then with Dave, I felt 0:07:24.120 --> 0:07:26.920 like I really wanted to have a child for him 0:07:27.280 --> 0:07:29.160 and I felt like he was such a great dad, 0:07:29.840 --> 0:07:33.280 and we tried and tried, and then it didn't work, 0:07:33.320 --> 0:07:35.360 and I had that period of time where I was like, 0:07:36.320 --> 0:07:39.520 it's me, My eggs are old. Yeah. We went so 0:07:39.600 --> 0:07:42.360 far as to have his sperm checked and he like 0:07:42.440 --> 0:07:46.040 got the top of the highest rating you can get 0:07:46.160 --> 0:07:49.640 and he was like oh yeah, and I was oh 0:07:49.680 --> 0:07:51.640 my god, and I was like, Hi, I'm over here 0:07:51.680 --> 0:07:55.040 with old eggs. Thinks that feels great. But that whole 0:07:55.440 --> 0:07:59.120 period of time of just like letting that sink in 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:04.080 and finding your way around the shame or the disappointment 0:08:05.240 --> 0:08:07.200 and the morning honestly, the grief. 0:08:08.240 --> 0:08:11.480 It was the There was definitely a lot of grief 0:08:11.560 --> 0:08:13.960 and a lot of mourning. And then I made a 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:20.320 very superficial deal with myself, very vain, superficial deal. Tell me, 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:22.720 I said, well, if I'm not going to have kids, 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:26.280 then I'm going to be the sixty year old with washboard. 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:29.880 Apps and Hi, I've seen your apps. 0:08:31.920 --> 0:08:35.200 And that's when I really I started working out a 0:08:35.240 --> 0:08:39.760 lot because I was like, all right, I can't have kids, 0:08:40.320 --> 0:08:44.160 then I'm going to have a killer body. And sometimes 0:08:44.200 --> 0:08:46.880 you just have to make whatever that superficial deal is 0:08:46.920 --> 0:08:51.240 with yourself, and god, it just sounds I mean, it 0:08:51.280 --> 0:08:52.320 sounds terrible. 0:08:52.160 --> 0:08:54.760 But it helped me. It doesn't sound terrible. 0:08:55.040 --> 0:08:57.400 It helped me focus on something else and it helped. 0:08:57.400 --> 0:09:00.959 And it also helped that my best friend had four 0:09:01.040 --> 0:09:03.640 kids and that's a lot of kids. 0:09:03.720 --> 0:09:06.880 Yeah, so you were like, maybe this is such a 0:09:07.080 --> 0:09:07.840 this is a good thing. 0:09:07.760 --> 0:09:10.200 Outa Yeah, like I can help you. 0:09:10.200 --> 0:09:13.520 Out, Yeah, and you have this freedom and this like 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:19.040 sort of care free ability with your husband. Yeah, you know, 0:09:19.520 --> 0:09:24.280 there's some things. Once I settled into the fact, I 0:09:24.360 --> 0:09:27.120 was like, we're going to just have so much fun 0:09:27.160 --> 0:09:30.280 together and it's not gonna because it does. The kids 0:09:30.320 --> 0:09:33.640 bring stress in and there's so much responsibility and it's 0:09:33.720 --> 0:09:36.840 just so layered when you have a family and you're young, 0:09:36.920 --> 0:09:37.680 you're raising them. 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:42.559 I also don't know how anyone survived the pandemic with 0:09:42.679 --> 0:09:43.240 kids at home. 0:09:44.320 --> 0:09:45.640 I really don't. 0:09:46.760 --> 0:09:50.040 I mean, it was tough just the two of us 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:56.199 that I couldn't even imagine having children and navigating it. 0:09:56.280 --> 0:10:00.480 So, you know, I was a little relief. 0:10:02.040 --> 0:10:04.680 I mean, yeah, luckily mine we're a little older. But 0:10:04.720 --> 0:10:08.199 I did sit and think, ooh, how is this screwing 0:10:08.240 --> 0:10:13.320 them up socially and you know with their development? Yeah, 0:10:13.440 --> 0:10:22.840 it was doing a number on everybody. So I love 0:10:22.840 --> 0:10:26.760 that your relationship is thriving, Thank you, and everybody would 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:29.960 want to know the secret to that success. And it 0:10:30.040 --> 0:10:33.160 sounds like it's kind of you guys allowing each other 0:10:33.360 --> 0:10:34.920 to be independent. Yeah. 0:10:35.440 --> 0:10:37.760 I think it's just we allow each other to be 0:10:39.200 --> 0:10:41.840 who we are, right, you know what I mean, and 0:10:41.880 --> 0:10:43.160 we support each other through it. 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:44.360 Yeah, I love each other. 0:10:46.240 --> 0:10:49.480 And we I mean, we did do therapy early on 0:10:50.760 --> 0:10:55.920 to help with our communication, and I had to learn 0:10:56.320 --> 0:11:02.720 that there's a tone in my voice that if I 0:11:02.800 --> 0:11:07.680 hit it, he can't hear me right, and it's more 0:11:08.080 --> 0:11:18.560 destructive than helpful. So now when I get upset, I 0:11:18.600 --> 0:11:22.920 write it down and I hand it to him, but 0:11:22.960 --> 0:11:24.679 I write it in funny ways, like sometimes I'll do 0:11:24.800 --> 0:11:27.760 tiny little post it notes, like one word on each 0:11:27.760 --> 0:11:29.280 little thing and put it up all in the wall, 0:11:29.720 --> 0:11:32.560 and then they make him read it out loud, or 0:11:32.559 --> 0:11:34.600 I'll send him an email, or you know, I'll do 0:11:34.679 --> 0:11:37.440 something and then he has to read it out loud 0:11:37.440 --> 0:11:37.760 to me. 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:41.120 Just to let you know that he's really understanding when 0:11:41.160 --> 0:11:46.400 you're hearing me. So that is an interesting hack. Yeah, 0:11:46.480 --> 0:11:50.760 for those of us that struggle with communications, confrontation, and marriages, 0:11:50.840 --> 0:11:52.000 that's a great idea. 0:11:52.200 --> 0:11:56.120 Yeah, it works really well. I might try it, especially 0:11:56.160 --> 0:11:57.960 the post it notes. That always makes him laugh when 0:11:58.000 --> 0:11:59.160 he sees like a bunch of posts and. 0:11:59.200 --> 0:11:59.680 He's like, oh, you. 0:12:02.320 --> 0:12:04.479 Need something better than the text message. 0:12:05.200 --> 0:12:07.800 You know what. They don't like those, they don't like 0:12:07.800 --> 0:12:11.600 those text messages. I want to talk a little bit 0:12:11.600 --> 0:12:14.480 about your work, because I was a huge fan. As 0:12:14.520 --> 0:12:17.440 I mentioned of Dexter, your character Rita, thank you, you 0:12:17.480 --> 0:12:20.440 were so good. Thank you and you did more makeup 0:12:20.520 --> 0:12:21.720 right or you were very. 0:12:21.840 --> 0:12:25.080 Season one no makeup at all? Right, it was amazing. 0:12:25.080 --> 0:12:26.600 I remember it was freeing. 0:12:27.000 --> 0:12:29.439 Yeah, look at this beautiful natural woman. 0:12:29.720 --> 0:12:31.840 It was no hair, no makeup, and it was like, 0:12:32.160 --> 0:12:34.160 for the first time I got to experience what it 0:12:34.200 --> 0:12:35.520 was like to be a guy on set. 0:12:35.800 --> 0:12:39.360 Yeah, like my call time was rehearsal. 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:41.439 Oh no more two hours earlier. 0:12:41.720 --> 0:12:44.120 It was amazing. Yeah, I loved it. 0:12:44.440 --> 0:12:48.920 Season one, Rita was my favorite and the I just 0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:53.760 loved her so much. And of course then she had 0:12:53.760 --> 0:12:55.360 to grow and change, and then they had to have 0:12:55.400 --> 0:12:56.440 hair and makeup calls and. 0:12:57.720 --> 0:13:05.360 Oh man, well that subject matter was dense, tough, heavy, yeah, 0:13:05.760 --> 0:13:09.120 really scary and just like your character alone had her 0:13:09.200 --> 0:13:11.599 all her own stuff. Yes, but then she's married to 0:13:11.640 --> 0:13:14.320 a serial killer, which she never knew, she never knew, 0:13:14.679 --> 0:13:18.920 so that did you ever? You know, we are all 0:13:19.000 --> 0:13:21.000 part of the characters we play, I think as actress 0:13:21.000 --> 0:13:23.640 as it comes from somewhere inside of us. And did 0:13:23.720 --> 0:13:26.760 you ever take her home? Did you ever have trouble 0:13:27.400 --> 0:13:31.760 leaving work and keeping work at work? That was kind 0:13:31.760 --> 0:13:32.240 of energy. 0:13:33.000 --> 0:13:33.240 Yeah. 0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:37.600 So when I was playing Rita, I you know, during 0:13:37.640 --> 0:13:40.360 the months we would film, I was definitely more emotional 0:13:41.200 --> 0:13:45.040 in life, Like I would be crying over like a 0:13:45.080 --> 0:13:47.000 coffee commercial or something like that. 0:13:47.160 --> 0:13:54.360 Things would hit me more deeply than normal. But I think. 0:13:56.120 --> 0:14:01.200 So season one, I was still married to my ex 0:14:01.320 --> 0:14:03.800 husband and that's when I was making the decision to 0:14:05.920 --> 0:14:09.680 get divorced. And so I think in a weird way, 0:14:09.880 --> 0:14:12.640 Rita helped me. 0:14:13.040 --> 0:14:15.920 Yeah, you know what way do you think? 0:14:18.160 --> 0:14:23.680 First of all, having a bit of job security stability. Second, 0:14:23.800 --> 0:14:32.520 I think she was so damaged and beaten down that 0:14:33.200 --> 0:14:35.400 and you know, my ex husband was not abusive at all, 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:39.120 like that is not But I really could relate to her. 0:14:39.640 --> 0:14:46.560 Feeling that that apology after every sentence they like I'm 0:14:46.920 --> 0:14:49.440 I'm sorry, you know that I don't know. That really 0:14:49.480 --> 0:14:53.480 resonated with me, and I was like, I don't, I don't. 0:14:55.480 --> 0:15:00.880 I don't want to be that, you know. So I 0:15:00.920 --> 0:15:04.840 think in some ways she gave me the strength to 0:15:07.960 --> 0:15:09.600 really look at my life and be like I have 0:15:09.760 --> 0:15:12.640 you know, I need to move I need to get out, 0:15:12.680 --> 0:15:13.320 I need to move on. 0:15:14.680 --> 0:15:18.440 I can see how she would motivate that because what 0:15:18.520 --> 0:15:24.240 she endured, you know. The character was so strong, yeah, 0:15:24.280 --> 0:15:27.880 but so weak at the same time, so vulnerable and 0:15:28.000 --> 0:15:30.200 or like a raw nerve. So it makes perfect sense 0:15:30.320 --> 0:15:33.600 how you would go home feeling like you could cry 0:15:33.600 --> 0:15:38.200 at any commercial. It makes such sense. But that's a 0:15:38.280 --> 0:15:40.520 really must have been a really interesting time in your life. 0:15:41.400 --> 0:15:46.320 It was, and I really loved playing her, like I 0:15:46.440 --> 0:15:51.600 really and I loved working with Michael. Just being on 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:56.520 the show was It was amazing because coming off of 0:15:57.080 --> 0:16:02.920 the WB for Buffy and Angel, which even though we 0:16:03.000 --> 0:16:08.120 were doing incredible work over there, most of Hollywood wasn't 0:16:08.120 --> 0:16:11.440 really looking at it or recognizing right it was considered 0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:18.080 a teen show. So I felt like Rita was my 0:16:18.200 --> 0:16:22.520 time to finally be a woman, yeah, and be a grown. 0:16:22.360 --> 0:16:26.640 Up and work on good material, yeah, like really good writing. 0:16:27.200 --> 0:16:28.720 And I thought it was so funny because I remember 0:16:28.760 --> 0:16:31.680 during season one, everybody was I was getting applauded for 0:16:31.840 --> 0:16:34.160 going on camera with no makeup on, and I was like, 0:16:35.640 --> 0:16:37.840 I mean, I run around my house like this, like. 0:16:37.800 --> 0:16:39.080 It isn't this a very old deal. 0:16:41.000 --> 0:16:43.359 I'm not a completely wipe. 0:16:44.160 --> 0:16:45.600 I was like, it's not that big of a deal. 0:16:45.800 --> 0:16:50.640 I mean, but people like everyone's like it's so amazing, 0:16:51.000 --> 0:16:54.120 And I was like, so amazing because I don't have 0:16:54.160 --> 0:16:55.480 to go in two hours earlier. 0:16:56.920 --> 0:17:01.760 I know, they killed Rita very upsetting. What season was 0:17:01.800 --> 0:17:05.639 it four? Season four and four and you said that 0:17:05.720 --> 0:17:08.320 you wished you had advocated for her more, Yes, what 0:17:08.359 --> 0:17:09.120 would you have said? 0:17:10.720 --> 0:17:16.760 So my opinion is season one and two I had 0:17:16.960 --> 0:17:21.120 very strong story arcs, and then one of our writers 0:17:21.200 --> 0:17:24.200 left and he was the one who really captured the 0:17:24.280 --> 0:17:29.840 voice of Dexter and Rita. And then in season three 0:17:30.160 --> 0:17:34.040 and especially in season four, I mean, I just the 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:37.280 storyline was just not there. But that's the nature of 0:17:37.320 --> 0:17:42.080 episodic television. Like some years you have a great storyline 0:17:42.080 --> 0:17:45.720 and then some years you have to take a backseat 0:17:45.760 --> 0:17:48.320 while other actors get. 0:17:48.119 --> 0:17:50.119 Their great storyline. 0:17:50.359 --> 0:17:54.680 And I just wish I had advocated more for her. 0:17:54.760 --> 0:18:01.359 I wish I had stood up more and you know, 0:18:02.240 --> 0:18:06.399 challenge them to come up with more creative things to 0:18:06.480 --> 0:18:10.600 do with her rather than just accept, well, this is 0:18:10.640 --> 0:18:14.800 the nature of the beast. And I had a great 0:18:14.960 --> 0:18:17.560 season one. In season two, there were other actors on 0:18:17.600 --> 0:18:19.600 the show who didn't like their season one in season 0:18:19.640 --> 0:18:21.480 two who all of a sudden now were being elevated 0:18:21.560 --> 0:18:22.560 during season three, so. 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:24.000 It was like, you know what I mean? 0:18:24.640 --> 0:18:29.000 So I was like, but maybe I should have challenged 0:18:29.040 --> 0:18:33.400 the writers more and said, hey, guys, this is kind 0:18:33.400 --> 0:18:36.119 of silly, like can I do something like can we 0:18:36.160 --> 0:18:38.520 come up with something a little more interesting? 0:18:40.240 --> 0:18:42.520 So did you not feel like it was your place 0:18:42.600 --> 0:18:45.720 to do that or did you not feel comfortable? 0:18:46.320 --> 0:18:47.400 I didn't want to be difficult. 0:18:47.480 --> 0:18:48.679 You didn't want to be difficult. 0:18:50.040 --> 0:18:55.000 Meanwhile, I watched other actors during season one and season 0:18:55.040 --> 0:19:01.119 two do the same thing, like speak up, advocate for 0:19:01.200 --> 0:19:07.760 their characters, and they weren't deemed difficult, but I just was. 0:19:08.119 --> 0:19:10.439 I just didn't want to be difficult. 0:19:11.600 --> 0:19:13.000 Where do you think that comes from? 0:19:13.720 --> 0:19:16.919 Oh? I mean obviously being the youngest child in the family, 0:19:17.000 --> 0:19:20.480 I think, and just being the good girl. 0:19:21.359 --> 0:19:21.600 You know. 0:19:21.840 --> 0:19:31.879 Yeah, I've learned since then that there's a way of 0:19:32.000 --> 0:19:35.280 doing it. I mean I watched when I worked on 0:19:35.320 --> 0:19:39.480 Desperate Housewives. After I was doing a scene with Marsha 0:19:39.560 --> 0:19:43.080 Cross and I was a huge fan of the show, 0:19:43.359 --> 0:19:46.320 so I knew the characters inside and out, and we 0:19:46.320 --> 0:19:49.359 were rehearsing this scene and Marsha's like, this doesn't make 0:19:49.400 --> 0:19:51.280 any sense, and I was just I mean, I was 0:19:51.320 --> 0:19:53.399 just recurring on the show, so I was just sitting 0:19:53.400 --> 0:19:55.919 there and she was talking to the director and she's like, 0:19:55.960 --> 0:19:57.800 this doesn't make any sense for my character, and she 0:19:57.880 --> 0:20:02.320 was going through the reasons why, and then she turned 0:20:02.320 --> 0:20:03.600 to me and she's like, what do you think? And 0:20:03.640 --> 0:20:06.160 I'm like, you are one hundred percent correct. It makes 0:20:06.480 --> 0:20:08.480 the scene makes no sense for your character. And I 0:20:08.560 --> 0:20:10.520 went through it because I'd been such a huge fan, 0:20:11.280 --> 0:20:15.199 and I watched them. They went off and then they 0:20:15.240 --> 0:20:18.440 shut down set for like an hour and they rewrote 0:20:18.480 --> 0:20:21.520 it and they called us down to the writer's room 0:20:21.560 --> 0:20:23.239 and they read it to us and it was so 0:20:23.480 --> 0:20:30.480 much better, and it just made it made her storyline 0:20:30.600 --> 0:20:36.119 so much fuller and richer. And I watched how she 0:20:36.240 --> 0:20:41.119 did that. It wasn't she didn't raise her voice. It 0:20:41.160 --> 0:20:45.600 didn't come from a place of anger or frustration. She 0:20:45.760 --> 0:20:48.680 just really was like, this just doesn't make sense. And 0:20:49.200 --> 0:20:52.359 they heard her and they changed the script. It was incredible, 0:20:52.440 --> 0:20:54.960 and I was like, Oh, that's how you do because 0:20:55.040 --> 0:20:58.359 I always thought speaking up. 0:21:00.080 --> 0:21:01.200 Would be confrontational. 0:21:03.520 --> 0:21:08.639 So yeah, I've seen it all different ways in my career, 0:21:09.560 --> 0:21:13.639 but you're absolutely right. It's just better when you are 0:21:14.280 --> 0:21:17.840 calm and you know what you're talking about, you know, 0:21:18.080 --> 0:21:21.600 and it makes sense. It makes sense, and it's a collaboration. 0:21:21.760 --> 0:21:23.040 It's not like you suck. 0:21:23.480 --> 0:21:23.720 Yeah. 0:21:23.720 --> 0:21:26.720 I mean I've shown up in all different ways since 0:21:26.760 --> 0:21:30.320 I told the writers off a few times in my past. 0:21:30.400 --> 0:21:33.440 But now it's just so much easier to work together, 0:21:33.720 --> 0:21:37.440 right and hopefully you have that team right. 0:21:37.560 --> 0:21:41.200 And I wish I had had that experience before Dexter. Yeah, 0:21:41.440 --> 0:21:44.719 you know, because I'm Buffy and Angel. The writing was 0:21:44.800 --> 0:21:50.960 incredible and we just said the words right like there 0:21:51.080 --> 0:21:56.639 wasn't especially my character was amazing, Like I never I 0:21:56.720 --> 0:22:00.280 never had a moment that felt false as the carecharacter, 0:22:00.560 --> 0:22:03.760 so you didn't have to say yeah, so I didn't 0:22:03.800 --> 0:22:05.240 really know how. 0:22:05.280 --> 0:22:10.879 Yeah that's and so moving forward in your career, have 0:22:11.000 --> 0:22:15.440 you sort of been able to utilize that in your 0:22:15.480 --> 0:22:17.760 current work, your recent work? Yeah. 0:22:17.880 --> 0:22:22.960 I mean when I was on Defiance, I remember season one, 0:22:24.119 --> 0:22:26.440 my character was the hero of the piece, she was 0:22:26.520 --> 0:22:30.280 the mayor, she was the hero she was, and I 0:22:30.359 --> 0:22:32.679 really wanted them to you know, I really kept asking 0:22:32.720 --> 0:22:35.639 like what's her achilles heel? Like what is it? What's 0:22:35.720 --> 0:22:39.680 her deep dark secret? And they're like, but you're the hero. 0:22:40.760 --> 0:22:43.800 There's no deep dark secret. You're the hero. So I 0:22:43.840 --> 0:22:47.800 remember being on set during the pilot and the prop 0:22:47.840 --> 0:22:51.399 guy we're in my character's office and he brings me 0:22:51.440 --> 0:22:54.240 a coffee mug and I look at him and I'm like, 0:22:57.400 --> 0:23:00.959 how about every time I in here, no matter what 0:23:01.040 --> 0:23:03.480 time of day it is, it's a glass of scotch. 0:23:04.800 --> 0:23:07.160 Don't bring me coffee, Bring me scotch. 0:23:08.640 --> 0:23:14.679 And I created an alcohol problem for wasn't written and 0:23:14.720 --> 0:23:17.840 in season two they leaned into it, but it was 0:23:18.000 --> 0:23:21.400 me going, I want to give her something. I want 0:23:21.400 --> 0:23:25.640 to give her, Like what does she do at night? Yeah, 0:23:25.680 --> 0:23:28.560 when the world is falling apart and it's all on 0:23:28.600 --> 0:23:30.440 her shoulders to make the decisions. 0:23:30.760 --> 0:23:32.240 Yeah, because being a hero is hard. 0:23:32.280 --> 0:23:34.359 It's hard. So she drank. 0:23:36.200 --> 0:23:39.479 That's genius though. You made your own storyline. Yeah, with 0:23:39.600 --> 0:23:44.719 one simple prop change. Yeah, I love that. I just 0:23:44.760 --> 0:23:48.840 want to ask you about maybe some advice for women 0:23:48.960 --> 0:23:52.639