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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Sam, this is John. We're the ancient

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Speaker 1: two Case storytime podcast hosts, and we.

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Speaker 2: Have some ancient wisdom in the stories coming up.

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Speaker 1: If you want to hear the wisdom from two old

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Speaker 1: heads that know more than they know what to do with,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna have to wait for a quick message from

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Speaker 1: our sponsors for the next two minutes or so.

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Speaker 2: My mother in law wants to steal my daughter.

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Speaker 3: That is crazy and.

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Speaker 2: Trigger warning for mental health crisis stogging, self unliving threats. Ooh,

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Speaker 2: my stepmother in law or soon to be mother in

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Speaker 2: law is generally a lovely woman, kind, helpful and sweet,

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Speaker 2: but lord, recently I really don't like her background. Father

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Speaker 2: in law married, is it stepmother in law? We'll find

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Speaker 2: out when dear husband was a teenager, so they've been

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Speaker 2: together for quite a while now. She had infertility issues

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Speaker 2: and after countless failed IVF attempts, found out they couldn't

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Speaker 2: have children. I think one of the benefits of marrying

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Speaker 2: father in law was that she would inherit two sons.

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Speaker 2: Even though they were close to being legal adults. She

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Speaker 2: knew one day they would have children and she'd be

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Speaker 2: a grandmother. By the way, this comes from panther purple

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Speaker 2: and if you want to smit your own stories, go

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Speaker 2: to the art slashowcase story type some read it.

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Speaker 4: I'm Sophia and we have a guest here.

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Speaker 2: Yes, and we have a guest here.

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Speaker 3: I'm doctor Tracy, you're and.

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Speaker 4: I'm Keon, And I'm gonna do a little introduction for

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Speaker 4: doctor Tracy dog Leash, a clinical psychologist, author, and relationship

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Speaker 4: expert who spent over fifteen years fifteen years guys helping

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Speaker 4: couples untangle the messi dynamics between marriage and family through

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Speaker 4: a ground breaking vault method which we'll probably get into later.

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Speaker 4: She teaches partners how to set boundaries, break toxic cycles,

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Speaker 4: and build healthier connections within laws. Doctor Tracy is here

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Speaker 4: today to give us insights on the dynamics of mother

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Speaker 4: in laws and narrative, and sharing her launch of her

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Speaker 4: new book, You Your Husband and his Mother. Please welcome

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Speaker 4: doctor Tracy.

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Speaker 2: And can we go to the wine because we have

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Speaker 2: the book right here.

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Speaker 4: We'll do a little book.

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Speaker 3: It'll be real, it's beautiful. This is not just a

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Speaker 3: book for mothers in law. This is about you creating

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Speaker 3: healthy relationships with extended family members. Feeling solid as a team,

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Speaker 3: and I am saying to people, this is a great

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Speaker 3: gift for a wedding, It's a great baby shower gift

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Speaker 3: because we know that people struggle with boundaries and we

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Speaker 3: want to set healthy family expectations and standards.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but oh, Pie says, now, this brings me to

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Speaker 2: my issue. Before I gave birth to to your daughter,

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Speaker 2: I knew an influx of annoying stuff was coming my

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Speaker 2: way because there hadn't been a girl born into the

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Speaker 2: family for a long time. But I definitely didn't think

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Speaker 2: it would be this bad. When I was pregnant with daughter,

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Speaker 2: my stepmother in law bought me four bin bags worth

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Speaker 2: of clothes, despite my specific request for no one to

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Speaker 2: buy me clothes because a she'll grow out of them

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Speaker 2: in a matter of weeks, so it's a waste of

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Speaker 2: money and be my in laws have a tendency to

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Speaker 2: buy clothes that say things like Grandma's number one girl

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Speaker 2: and Daddy's girl.

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Speaker 3: Oh but not her, nothing about the mother, Nothing about

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Speaker 3: the mother. And that is just this low blow.

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Speaker 2: When I told my stepmother in law that I wouldn't

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Speaker 2: have people wait in the delivery room this time because

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Speaker 2: of the storm that was the birth of my first child.

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Speaker 2: She seemed understanding. She said, oh, okay, I understand Will

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Speaker 2: makes sense what you thought she understood. But father in

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Speaker 2: law later told me she cried herself to sleep every

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Speaker 2: night for a week. I have a good relationship with

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Speaker 2: my stepmother in law, so this hurt me to hear,

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Speaker 2: but at the same time, it felt like a guilt trip.

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Speaker 3: I was about to ask Lolo, so her father in

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Speaker 3: law told her that, yes, I need to pause right

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Speaker 3: here and just emphasize how vulnerable mothers are during the

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Speaker 3: postpartum period. Absolutely not the first two weeks, not six weeks,

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Speaker 3: I say twelve months, twelve months. And we also want

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Speaker 3: to recognize that the generational levels don't flow downward. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: that's not the kids's responsibilities. That's for you and your

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Speaker 3: partner to work out exactly. Or you go to your peer,

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Speaker 3: a sibling, a therapist, or you go to your own

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Speaker 3: mother and talk to her.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I'm wondering why the father in law came to

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Speaker 2: ope that. Yeah, I mean, we could.

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Speaker 3: Do all kinds of hypotheses around this. We won't know.

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Speaker 3: But my guess is that he doesn't know what to

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Speaker 3: do with it, and so he thinks he's solving the

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Speaker 3: problem by then going to his daughter in law and

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Speaker 3: saying she was really struggling with this. Yes, but then

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Speaker 3: that turns a whole this is the whole triangle of

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Speaker 3: the book. You're creating a triangle then instead of him

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Speaker 3: being the supportive partner and saying, of course you're having

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Speaker 3: a hard time, I understand this. Yeah, let's look at

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Speaker 3: this from our daughter in law's perspective. We're not going

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Speaker 3: to put our feelings onto her. We're going to be

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Speaker 3: responsible for us. We'll be together, and then when they're

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Speaker 3: ready to invite us in, then we'll come in.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. And it seems like the mother in law is

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Speaker 2: putting a lot of I don't know, emphasis on this birth,

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Speaker 2: maybe being she's like she wants to live vicariously through

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Speaker 2: it since she didn't have that.

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Speaker 3: Experience, that projection. Yes, and it's even the when you

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Speaker 3: say what you want, I'm not going to respect it,

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Speaker 3: and I know so many people say. And this is

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Speaker 3: also where the two couple partners get stuck because then

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Speaker 3: he says, well, mom had good intentions, or stepmom had

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Speaker 3: good intentions, or even the father in law saying she

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Speaker 3: had good intentions by buying these four bins of clothes.

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Speaker 2: But at the end of the day, it's not respecting

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Speaker 2: what she asked.

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Speaker 3: It's not about intention. People really have to sink into

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Speaker 3: understanding that this is about impact, and impact matters more

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Speaker 3: in deepening a relationship and honoring a connection than having

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Speaker 3: to focus on intention. I mean, we all have good intentions.

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Speaker 3: Most of us do not walk around manutulating out hurting others.

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Speaker 3: We want to be connected.

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Speaker 2: Yes, oh, if he continues, I sat her down and

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Speaker 2: told her this wasn't about her, and of course she'll

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Speaker 2: be involved in my daughter's life. Just hold off for

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Speaker 2: a bit.

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Speaker 3: I love that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not doing it despite you. Yes, she seemed

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Speaker 2: to understand, but the past year has been difficult, to

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Speaker 2: say the least. This leads me to today a bullet

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Speaker 2: point to make it more organized. One. She constantly refers

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Speaker 2: to my daughter as variations of her precious little girl.

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Speaker 2: I walked in on her, hovering over daughter in her crib, saying,

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Speaker 2: you're the child I have prayed for, my little girl.

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Speaker 2: God has truly answered my prayers.

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Speaker 5: Definitely projecting, and it's just that kind of flavoring of

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Speaker 5: enmeshment and codependency that my needs are all going to

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Speaker 5: be met by you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, like the prophecy child.

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Speaker 3: A baby, and when she's two, four ten, fourteen, that's

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Speaker 3: not her job to meet her names.

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Speaker 2: She tried to give my daughter a middle name because

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Speaker 2: I got to give daughter her first name, sir, her mother. Sorry, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: why did you get a namer? Oh?

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Speaker 3: This woman is hurting. She's so much of her own

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Speaker 3: pain and grief and it's not her that she hasn't

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Speaker 3: dealt with it, seems no, and it's not her daughter

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Speaker 3: in law's job to fix that or to fill that hole.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. The name she chose was what she picked for

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Speaker 2: the child that she miscarried. Wow, so I was very

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Speaker 2: creeped out. Probably one of the weirdest things was when

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Speaker 2: she said she's so beautiful. She got that from you.

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Speaker 2: It's a shame. I always wanted to see my features

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Speaker 2: on my child. Maybe we can say she has my eyes.

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Speaker 3: Let's pin that one in terms of boundary statements that

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Speaker 3: we can say around that. I think that'd be really important.

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Speaker 2: When my daughter cries, this woman turns into Usain Bolt

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Speaker 2: himself and goes to pick her up, saying, sh I'm

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Speaker 2: here now, you're okay, nothing can hurt you. The guilt trips.

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Speaker 2: I'm very reluctant about my children sleeping over at people's

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Speaker 2: houses because they're still very young. But despite this, she

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Speaker 2: constantly asks, can I have daughter over the night? I

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Speaker 2: give reasons, What about next week? I give reasons. Now

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Speaker 2: she makes statements like I've set up the whole nursery

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Speaker 2: and she hasn't even used it once. Hah, well, creepily

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Speaker 2: staring at me. I need some advice. I don't know

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Speaker 2: how to handle this. Sometimes I'd rather just be like

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Speaker 2: my mother in law, an upfront knucklehead, because I can

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Speaker 2: deal with that. I just don't know how to deal

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Speaker 2: with passive aggressiveness. Technically, she doesn't overstep my boundaries, but

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Speaker 2: she'll find loopholes or guilt trips. I get it, you

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Speaker 2: didn't get to have children. Honestly, I feel for you,

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Speaker 2: but that doesn't mean my daughter is going to be

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Speaker 2: the baby you've always wanted to have. However, she has

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Speaker 2: been there for me and is honestly a sweet person overall,

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Speaker 2: But ever since I've had my daughter, she has become overbearing.

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Speaker 2: Husband loves his dad and my stepmother in law, and

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Speaker 2: his dad can't bear his wife being upset. So I

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Speaker 2: know if husband and I try to talk to her

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Speaker 2: formally about it, she'll cry in guilt trip maybe not

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Speaker 2: even intentionally. I don't know how to handle weepy people.

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Speaker 2: Any advice and there is an update, but do you

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Speaker 2: do you have any thoughts?

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Speaker 3: So far in the book, I outline six types of

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Speaker 3: mothers in law, and I did that after almost twenty

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Speaker 3: years of working with people, and this is I really

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Speaker 3: want people to know. This is not a diagnosis. You're

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Speaker 3: not going to go through these types and then go

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Speaker 3: to your partner for be like, haha, your mother, your

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Speaker 3: mother as I didn't use that word intentionally because it's

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Speaker 3: not helpful. And so whenever we're dealing with someone, we

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Speaker 3: want to understand what category of behavior are they because

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Speaker 3: then we will know how we can communicate and interact

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Speaker 3: with them. So, for example, there's a lot of martyr

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Speaker 3: victim flavoring here where I want to give and give

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Speaker 3: and give, but there's guilt attached to it or this

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Speaker 3: poor me, it's all happening to me. I never got

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Speaker 3: to have that, which more of that victim flavoring. And

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Speaker 3: so then when you think of who you're dealing with,

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Speaker 3: and already she's saying this woman has all of these

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Speaker 3: passive aggressive remarks. You know that it's probably not going

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Speaker 3: to be helpful to over explain yourself. And I O

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Speaker 3: piece piece two where she says, you know, I like her,

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Speaker 3: we had a good relationship, and I think there's like

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Speaker 3: this torn feeling that so many daughters in law experience

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Speaker 3: after having children, which is what happened to our connection,

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Speaker 3: because now you're focused all on baby.

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Speaker 2: And I'm not even I know, I don't even exist.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And it is the most painful thing, Sophia, to

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Speaker 3: be in a room with someone and they not even

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Speaker 3: look at you, ask you how you're doing, get you

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Speaker 3: the water after you've just given birth.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you're just the carrier of these kid.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's being reduced to that. We'll have to

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Speaker 3: come back to the piece where her husband because I'm

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Speaker 3: really because that can also really make a difference. But

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Speaker 3: then let's also acknowledge that you're entering into a system here.

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Speaker 3: And so because the stepmom's been around for a while. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: she's been around for I think since her husband's fifteen.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I believe so. Yeah, because they were almost right.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So there's a system in place, and it's been

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Speaker 3: operating for a long time. She's an outsider and so

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Speaker 3: she's going to be more likely to recognize that system.

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Speaker 3: And I always say to daughters in law, you are

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Speaker 3: not bad for calling out a system. And so I

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Speaker 3: know for many people they'll go to their partners and say,

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Speaker 3: your mom or your stepmom, they're guilt tripping us. And

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Speaker 3: their husbands will say, no, what are you talking about.

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Speaker 3: That's just mom. Yeah, she's being nice, and that's so painful.

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Speaker 3: So I think that's really important.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and the whole stuff about her saying, oh, let's

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Speaker 2: say that your daughter has my eyes, it just feels

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Speaker 2: very obsessive.

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Speaker 3: So at this point, I think where we tend to

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Speaker 3: go into as parents right now is we want to

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Speaker 3: control the outside so we can feel safe on the inside.

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Speaker 3: And I really want parents to feel empowered in the home,

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Speaker 3: that everything you do with yourself, your partner, and your

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Speaker 3: child is about building security. And so even if stepmother

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Speaker 3: in law is coming in and saying these things, you're

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Speaker 3: always going to be that secure base for your child.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Or if you're in their home and they insert some

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Speaker 3: food rules, like you you know, older rules that a

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Speaker 3: lot of parents don't follow today, are things like you

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Speaker 3: have to clear your plate before you get dessert. You

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Speaker 3: get to step in as the parent and say, actually,

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Speaker 3: I'm the parent, and that's not a rule we follow

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Speaker 3: in our family.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: So keeping that in mind and knowing that you can

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Speaker 3: always help support and model to your child what's healthy

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Speaker 3: and what's not. So for example, I can imagine then

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Speaker 3: as baby gets older, then Grandma's going to be like, oh,

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Speaker 3: give me a big hug. I want to hug body.

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Speaker 3: Autonomy is so important.

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Speaker 2: You're like, well, you know, we consent before we give.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, no, sensing who this person is, she's not gonna

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Speaker 3: like that. But yeah, mom gets to say, oh, we're

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Speaker 3: not going to do hugs. She doesn't want you right now.

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Speaker 3: We believe in asking first. Yeah, and the thing here,

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Speaker 3: so two pieces. She's not going to change. Sure, and

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Speaker 3: you could go into those conversations and point out these issues,

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Speaker 3: but that might cause more distress. And I have a

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Speaker 3: feeling it would what seems.

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Speaker 2: Like oh piece already kind of said what she feels

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Speaker 2: and that.

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Speaker 3: Hasn't done anything. I love what op he did in

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Speaker 3: the sense of saying like, will invite you in, will

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Speaker 3: let you know what works for us? Yes, that's beautiful.

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Speaker 3: You've already done that piece. But now here's someone who

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Speaker 3: can't see that pattern. And so here you're gonna want

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Speaker 3: to know, really what your boundaries are. Most people come

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Speaker 3: into my office saying they're not respecting my boundaries. And

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Speaker 3: when we dig a little bit into it, it's because

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Speaker 3: people are making requests, and requests sound like, please don't

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Speaker 3: whisper these comments into my daughter's ear. Please don't make

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Speaker 3: comments about her eyes or that kind of thing. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: it's about the other person doing something. The boundary is

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Speaker 3: what you are or are not willing to do. And

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Speaker 3: so then when she makes these comments, what does op

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Speaker 3: want to do? What would be empowering for her? Is

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Speaker 3: this a moment where she goes to the bathroom and

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Speaker 3: splashes her face because all my word, grab your phone,

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Speaker 3: text the group chatre be like, oh yeah, intense is it?

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Speaker 3: And she says something you go mm hmm, and then

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Speaker 3: you change the topic, like her asking can I give

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Speaker 3: her the middle name? Well, that's something we're deciding. Hey,

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Speaker 3: have you been following the Jays? Sorry, I know I'm

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Speaker 3: Canadian and the Jays.

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Speaker 2: I don't know what the Blue Jays, I don't know sports. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: that's that's Keon's thing. I don't know anything. Yeah, go

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Speaker 2: Blue Jays, right, I mean there's.

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Speaker 4: I'm not a Dodger fan, so go Blue Jay Canada.

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Speaker 2: I'll be anybody's fan. I could be the Jays fan.

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Speaker 3: But be ready then to go to a different conversation.

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Speaker 3: Have that prepared, because one thing we can know for

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Speaker 3: certain is that family is consistent and predictable, especially if

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Speaker 3: you're not seeing them go to therapy or do some

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Speaker 3: of this self work.

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Speaker 2: Have those things in your tool belts yourself. Yeah, but

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Speaker 2: we have an update, so let's see if OP uses

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Speaker 2: any of your thoughts. Update. I was going to wait

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Speaker 2: until Friday when stepmother in law, father in law, brother

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Speaker 2: in law, his wife and kids came over. My naive

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Speaker 2: self thought this was a take her to the side

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Speaker 2: for a five minute chat situation. But you guys scared

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Speaker 2: the sense into me with your comments, so I had

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Speaker 2: to get my ducks in a row immediately. As soon

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Speaker 2: as I saw my husband in the evening, I burst

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Speaker 2: out crying. He just looked at me, shocked because I

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Speaker 2: rarely cry. So even if he didn't think the stepmother

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Speaker 2: in law situation was bad before he knew it must

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Speaker 2: be to be making me feel this way. I began

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Speaker 2: by telling him everything. It was like word vomit, and

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Speaker 2: I told him about the pet names, the constant holding,

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Speaker 2: the running to get her before me, the clothes, all

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Speaker 2: the stuff through my pregnancy, the nursery, the constant whispering

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Speaker 2: in daughter's ears, the photo album of daughter. She took

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Speaker 2: pictures constantly and has already filled out a massive photo album.

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Speaker 2: She has more photos than me. I told him about

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Speaker 2: the sad statements, the looks. When I'm holding my daughter,

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Speaker 2: she gives me the weirdest look, a combination of sadness, anger,

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Speaker 2: and confusion.

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Speaker 3: Can I pause there for a second. I'm thinking about

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Speaker 3: how when someone else comes into your safe space and

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Speaker 3: it feels threatening, your nervous system can't tell the difference

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Speaker 3: between a true bear or an imagine bear.

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Speaker 2: I was wondering because O. P says she has this

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Speaker 2: look of anger, sadness, and confusion. I wonder if maybe

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Speaker 2: in this instance, you are just kind of reading into

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Speaker 2: something that's not there. Not to say that you are,

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Speaker 2: but like you don't know for sure.

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Speaker 3: You don't know. But when someone comes in with that possessiveness,

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Speaker 3: or they're knocking at your door, every day to see

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Speaker 3: the baby, or they're only talking about your child. I

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Speaker 3: had one woman tell me that her mother in law

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Speaker 3: would whisper in her ear, you're not my grandson's real family.

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Speaker 3: Oh can you imagine that is threatening? It's biologically wired

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Speaker 3: inside of us to protect our You know, your heart

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Speaker 3: is now walking outside of your body or lying outside

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Speaker 3: of your body.

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Speaker 2: Your caesar is a threat.

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Speaker 3: You're going to be protective. And then I think, not

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Speaker 3: knowing what's coming next. But the other piece here that

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Speaker 3: I see happen so often is that daughters in life

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Speaker 3: law are pushed and pushed and pushed and then they explode.

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Speaker 3: But then guess who's the problem?

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Speaker 2: Cosband, the daughter and the daughter.

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Speaker 3: Oh, because oh how could she get angry? Look at her,

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Speaker 3: she's yelling at me. I remember one client saying that

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Speaker 3: she was felt so much shame because she yelled at

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Speaker 3: her mother to get out of her house. Yeah, they're

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Speaker 3: the bad guy now there, she was labeled the problem

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Speaker 3: when all of the other m grow aggressions, those paper

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Speaker 3: cuts were being dismissed beside ignored.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Seems like

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Speaker 2: this husband in the story is supportive of op which

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Speaker 2: is crazy. Yeah. I finished by reading them a few

355
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Speaker 2: of your comments. I highlighted what a lot of you

356
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Speaker 2: said that stepmother in law didn't properly handle her grief

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Speaker 2: and it has manifested into an obsession with my daughter.

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Speaker 2: Her unhealthy attachment to daughter is damaging not only to

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Speaker 2: daughter and DS who will grow up noticing the different

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Speaker 2: attention they get from her, but to her own mental health.

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Speaker 2: I made it clear I do genuinely have love for

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Speaker 2: stepmother law, but I'm scared of this unhealthy attachment. You

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Speaker 2: just sat there and listened. First thing he did was

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Speaker 2: hug me. And for someone who doesn't cry, lord, I

365
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Speaker 2: think I cried for England in that moment. He said

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Speaker 2: he always knew she hadn't processed her grief properly. He said,

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Speaker 2: his dad has to realize his wife is his primary

368
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Speaker 2: concern and she needs help, and husband's primary concern is

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Speaker 2: me and the kids. His dad needs to respect that.

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Speaker 3: I oh that, Oh, I love that so powerful. That

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Speaker 3: is what we want partners to be doing today.

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Speaker 2: You are your partner's partner, yes, and your kids have

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Speaker 2: their own partners.

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Speaker 3: This isn't happening in this scenario. But what often happens

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Speaker 3: that I see is that a man is in and

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Speaker 3: not all I want to say, not always, but for

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Speaker 3: a lot of the time, a man is in this

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Speaker 3: position for the first time. Yeah, where he's having to

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Speaker 3: look at his mother or family of origin and say

380
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Speaker 3: what am I doing in these patterns, which is hard

381
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Speaker 3: because their decense ties to it and they're part of

382
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Speaker 3: the system. Yeah, And do I make mom unhappy? Or

383
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Speaker 3: do I turn this way and make my wife unhappy?

384
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Speaker 2: And that who do you choose?

385
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Speaker 3: Who do you choose? So I say to men, you

386
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:17,040
Speaker 3: are not abandoning your family. You are now prioritizing your

387
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Speaker 3: chosen family, the emotions and the needs in your home.

388
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Speaker 3: First you have a new family unit, and then you

389
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Speaker 3: bring in the extended family members.

390
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Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, we had a whole plan to start from

391
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Speaker 2: a point of concern rather than attack slowly branching into

392
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Speaker 2: our issues, outlining our rules and boundaries clearly and firmly.

393
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Speaker 2: We are not to be overridden, manipulated, influenced, or stomped over.

394
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Speaker 2: Any breach of our boundaries would indicate that stepmother in

395
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Speaker 2: law doesn't respect our role as daughter and sons parents.

396
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:52,360
Speaker 2: And with all violations, there are repercussions, then coming back

397
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,959
Speaker 2: to concern addressing her mental health and processing her grief.

398
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,920
Speaker 2: My best friend went through her own miscarriage a few

399
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,040
Speaker 2: years ago and went to the therapy. She gave me

400
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,600
Speaker 2: the contact info of her therapist. We would be there

401
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:06,199
Speaker 2: for stepmother in law emotionally as well. I made it

402
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,679
Speaker 2: clear to my husband that even if she agrees to

403
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,440
Speaker 2: respect her boundaries, I still want her to go to

404
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:15,000
Speaker 2: therapy because those issues won't go away. If she can't

405
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,160
Speaker 2: inflict them on to daughter, she will only internalize them

406
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,919
Speaker 2: and cause herself more in her conflict, and I am

407
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:24,080
Speaker 2: genuinely concerned about her mental health. We had notes, we

408
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:26,760
Speaker 2: were on the same page. The kids were sleeping, I

409
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:30,679
Speaker 2: had calmed down. Great, I feel like everything's not going

410
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,879
Speaker 2: to be great. I got a text from stepmother in

411
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Speaker 2: law saying she and father in law wanted to come

412
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Speaker 2: round tomorrow for dinner instead because Friday they had a

413
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Speaker 2: meeting at their church. My anxiety ridden mine could face

414
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,240
Speaker 2: this quicker and wouldn't have to be drawn out until

415
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,439
Speaker 2: the end of the week. Everything was set. I had

416
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:49,320
Speaker 2: a husband's full support and he'd be addressing everything with

417
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Speaker 2: me and my stepmother in law. Is a rational woman.

418
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Speaker 2: What could go wrong?

419
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Speaker 3: Oh, I mean this, Wait, when there's unprocessed grief, process trauma,

420
00:21:01,359 --> 00:21:05,840
Speaker 3: a lot could go wrong because that slowing down, that

421
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:09,720
Speaker 3: sinking into your body, that self awareness and self reflectiveness

422
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,719
Speaker 3: is not there. And if there's anything that people can

423
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:16,160
Speaker 3: learn about relationships, know that you are having your own

424
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Speaker 3: experience just like you and I ree hear Sofia, I'm

425
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,920
Speaker 3: having my own experience and you're having your experience. Yeah,

426
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Speaker 3: and then I'm actually experiencing you on top of that,

427
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:28,280
Speaker 3: and that's complex to do. And so it would require

428
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Speaker 3: this woman to be able to say, here's what's happening

429
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Speaker 3: inside of me. This is really hard. I'm feeling all

430
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Speaker 3: of this old stuff. And then here's what I'm doing

431
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:37,119
Speaker 3: to you.

432
00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:39,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it seems like she hasn't even processed what's

433
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Speaker 2: happening inside. So that's already hard. Yeah, to hear from

434
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Speaker 2: someone else, this is what I think is going on

435
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,440
Speaker 2: with you. This is what you can no longer do

436
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:51,600
Speaker 2: with our child. Yes, a lot of information at once.

437
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,600
Speaker 3: And it's tricky too, because I know there's such good intention,

438
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,080
Speaker 3: but I also know, and I don't want to overgeneralize.

439
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:02,520
Speaker 3: There are people in a generation who will say, what

440
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,520
Speaker 3: would I talk to? What want I talk about in therapy?

441
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:05,879
Speaker 3: Or I don't have any I don't need to go

442
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,520
Speaker 3: to therapy, what would I even do? I'm not going

443
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:11,359
Speaker 3: to say. And it is just we all have things

444
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:15,560
Speaker 3: to say. We have to accept that others might never

445
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,280
Speaker 3: do this work, and we can't force that. We can

446
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:20,800
Speaker 3: find the therapist, we can research all the things, we

447
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,240
Speaker 3: could research the method, go for this, do that, talk, text,

448
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,640
Speaker 3: phone call, Hey, did you look up that therapist? Inevitably,

449
00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:30,560
Speaker 3: they're going to make their own choices, and you don't

450
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:31,400
Speaker 3: get to control that.

451
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:34,040
Speaker 2: Absolutely. You only get to control the boundaries for your

452
00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:34,480
Speaker 2: daughter and.

453
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:36,960
Speaker 3: Your family one hundred percent. And OP really has to

454
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,760
Speaker 3: sit in that. Okay, so this is what she's choosing,

455
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:41,840
Speaker 3: and as a result of that, then what do I

456
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:42,680
Speaker 3: want to choose? Then?

457
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:45,359
Speaker 2: Absolutely, But we do have an update and we're going

458
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,880
Speaker 2: to find out if everything went well with that conversation.

459
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:53,359
Speaker 2: OP starts by saying, this happened a few hours ago,

460
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,639
Speaker 2: so I'm still pretty overwhelmed. I know you guys are

461
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,920
Speaker 2: used to the craziness of mother in laws, sure especially,

462
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,679
Speaker 2: but this level is still very much new to me.

463
00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:05,119
Speaker 2: As I was getting ready in the morning, my hands

464
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,520
Speaker 2: were shaky and it felt like someone left a knife

465
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,359
Speaker 2: in my stomach. I think my body was warning me

466
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:13,000
Speaker 2: things were going to go down. Stepmother in law and

467
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,639
Speaker 2: father in law live a thirty minute drive away. I

468
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,440
Speaker 2: picked up the kids from the childminder, settle them down.

469
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:22,159
Speaker 2: Husband comes home. Everything was set. We were planning to

470
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:24,720
Speaker 2: have the talk after dinner. When the kids went down,

471
00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:28,480
Speaker 2: the door rings, husband gets it. They come in and

472
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:32,080
Speaker 2: greet everyone. Stepmother in law spots daughter in my arms

473
00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:35,840
Speaker 2: and makes a beeline towards me. My darling, you're getting

474
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:36,720
Speaker 2: so big.

475
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,800
Speaker 3: Come to nana and we're not going to change her

476
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:42,200
Speaker 3: for that. Yeah, you will not change that. It's all

477
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:45,160
Speaker 3: going to be about your response, and also to knowing

478
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:49,800
Speaker 3: that as your daughter grows, she'll then get to decide

479
00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:54,359
Speaker 3: and she'll feel it. She'll be like, oh, Grandma, norush away.

480
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:59,119
Speaker 3: Because that's the work of children is they're supposed to

481
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:02,680
Speaker 3: individuate and differentiate, and they'll say, oh, no, get out

482
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:04,399
Speaker 3: of my face. I don't like that. They'll feel it.

483
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,679
Speaker 3: A lot of times, as parents we worry the impact

484
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,920
Speaker 3: on our kids. Instead, we need to trust our own

485
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:13,000
Speaker 3: values and what we teach our kids. Yeah, and it'll.

486
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:16,800
Speaker 2: Still that sense of autonomy into them. I said, actually,

487
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:18,760
Speaker 2: can you help me in the kitchen and handed my

488
00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:21,840
Speaker 2: kid to husband. She looked taken aback, but came along.

489
00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:25,200
Speaker 2: At dinner. She spent the whole time fussing over daughter.

490
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,080
Speaker 2: I told her your food is getting cold. She said,

491
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:31,359
Speaker 2: my princess needs attention. I said, she's enjoying her food.

492
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:34,440
Speaker 2: You should to kids get put to bed. Despite protests

493
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:37,439
Speaker 2: from stepmother in law, I come down to her, saying,

494
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:41,040
Speaker 2: panther seems very short today. I walk up and answer

495
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:44,720
Speaker 2: before husband. Actually, stepmother in law, we've been meaning to

496
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,919
Speaker 2: speak to you. All color from her face disappeared.

497
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:52,720
Speaker 3: Can I comment here? Hm? I'm thinking of the anxious protest? Yeah,

498
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:58,080
Speaker 3: is that when people worry about distance and disconnection, they

499
00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:01,840
Speaker 3: reach for more. So I think of the parent holding

500
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:03,879
Speaker 3: the eight month old and the eight month old pushes

501
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:05,399
Speaker 3: away because that's normal. They want to go on the

502
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,480
Speaker 3: floor and play at their blocks, and then mom or

503
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:09,800
Speaker 3: dad squeeze, go oh, no, I can't let you go.

504
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:12,880
Speaker 3: Or if i'm you know, my kids are ten and eight,

505
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:14,480
Speaker 3: if I'm with my ten year old and say no,

506
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:16,160
Speaker 3: I can't let you like you have to stay home

507
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,240
Speaker 3: with me. It's this anxiety that when I feel him

508
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:21,360
Speaker 3: pulling away, I want to be closer. Yeah, rather than

509
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:25,680
Speaker 3: trusting our bond, trusting that I have a role here.

510
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:29,040
Speaker 3: And if she did her own work the stepmother in law,

511
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,320
Speaker 3: then she could trust that she's going to have a role.

512
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,400
Speaker 3: And maybe that's even something too for this person. Again,

513
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,760
Speaker 3: I don't know how it's ending, but to continue moving forward,

514
00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:42,439
Speaker 3: give her one small special role that she can do.

515
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,480
Speaker 3: Is it feeding? Is it the bad time? Is it

516
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:48,760
Speaker 3: story before bed? So then she feels soon and that

517
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:52,520
Speaker 3: it's not this kind of like protesting and anxious pursuit.

518
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:55,560
Speaker 2: I sat next to husband, so we were across from

519
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:58,080
Speaker 2: stepmother in law and father in law. I told her

520
00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,160
Speaker 2: I hope she didn't take this as an attack, as

521
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:03,240
Speaker 2: we were greatly concerned Sin's daughter had come along. She

522
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:07,640
Speaker 2: changed from warm grandmother to son to adopting a mother

523
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,879
Speaker 2: role with daughter. We wanted to make it clear we

524
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:15,240
Speaker 2: are daughter's parents. She started weeping. I handed over a

525
00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:18,080
Speaker 2: tissue and continued, good for her. Yeah, I'm glad that

526
00:26:18,119 --> 00:26:20,800
Speaker 2: you are like okay, and I recognize that you're sad,

527
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:22,840
Speaker 2: and I'm not going to try and fix that right now,

528
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:23,760
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna keep going.

529
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:28,000
Speaker 3: These are my emotions, and I'll always say to parents,

530
00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:32,080
Speaker 3: I'm having this conversation with you because you matter.

531
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:32,800
Speaker 2: Yeah.

532
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:34,800
Speaker 3: And if we go to our core, what do we

533
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,040
Speaker 3: all need? We all need to know that we're important

534
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:39,160
Speaker 3: to the person we love, that we matter, that we're

535
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:40,840
Speaker 3: good enough, we're worthy, and we're loved.

536
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:41,440
Speaker 2: Yeah.

537
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:44,520
Speaker 3: And that she's doing this. I think it's so important,

538
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,920
Speaker 3: so entering hard conversations. They love and care about you.

539
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:52,119
Speaker 2: We have clear boundaries that she is continually crossed. I

540
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,160
Speaker 2: am daughter's mother when she cries, and I am two

541
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:58,280
Speaker 2: feet away. I don't appreciate stepmother in law rushing past

542
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:01,199
Speaker 2: me to pick her up daughter is and hers. The

543
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,400
Speaker 2: weeping got louder, and father in law looked annoyed. Please

544
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,160
Speaker 2: stop referring to her as your little girl or princess.

545
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:11,600
Speaker 2: You're her grandmother, but please understand your role. Please stop

546
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:14,200
Speaker 2: pestering me for FaceTime sessions when you've just seen her.

547
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,199
Speaker 2: Husban told her he could see she was upset, but

548
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:20,240
Speaker 2: our primary concern was our children, and we were worried

549
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:23,760
Speaker 2: about stepmother in law. She had developed an unhealthy attachment

550
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:27,280
Speaker 2: to daughter and she needed to address the underlying issue

551
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:28,199
Speaker 2: her grief.

552
00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:32,080
Speaker 3: If there could be anything that someone does differently make

553
00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:35,440
Speaker 3: it smaller. Yeah, when you go into too many things,

554
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:39,359
Speaker 3: her brain goes into overwhelmed mode and she shuts down

555
00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:40,520
Speaker 3: so she can't hear it.

556
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,640
Speaker 2: Just one issue that you're focusing on, or.

557
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:45,920
Speaker 3: Maybe it's not even a specific issue, but maybe it's

558
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:48,360
Speaker 3: And this all depends on who it is, because if

559
00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:51,160
Speaker 3: we list things out, they might walk away and say,

560
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:53,719
Speaker 3: I can't believe they've said that about me. Don't they

561
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:55,800
Speaker 3: see I'm trying my best and how much I love her?

562
00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:58,680
Speaker 3: These are all good things. Yeah, So I wonder even

563
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,399
Speaker 3: if we think about this and I talk about how

564
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:03,560
Speaker 3: to do the boundaries in the book specifically, but if

565
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,120
Speaker 3: we think about what is the thing that she needs

566
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:10,320
Speaker 3: and just focusing on that rather than calling out all

567
00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:12,479
Speaker 3: of those behaviors, I don't know.

568
00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:13,760
Speaker 2: It's tricky.

569
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:16,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, Like at the root is like, you know, I

570
00:28:16,359 --> 00:28:19,080
Speaker 3: need to feel like I'm the parent, and there are

571
00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:23,280
Speaker 3: times where you step in really quickly. I know, here's

572
00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:26,159
Speaker 3: my reassurance. You always reassure sause it softens them. I

573
00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:28,920
Speaker 3: know how much you love this role, and I will

574
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:30,640
Speaker 3: just put my hand on my heart here for a moment,

575
00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:32,240
Speaker 3: because I know when I do that with my clients,

576
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,560
Speaker 3: they're like, why do I have to reassure this adult?

577
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:37,560
Speaker 3: Why do I have to reassure my mother? That's her job, right?

578
00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:38,120
Speaker 2: Frustrating.

579
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:41,520
Speaker 3: If we're going to be evolved and we are self aware,

580
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 3: we model it to them. So you say that to them,

581
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,720
Speaker 3: and then you say, moving forward, it really needs you

582
00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,840
Speaker 3: to slow down a little bit. Let me step in,

583
00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:51,680
Speaker 3: and I'm going to make sure I call you in

584
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:55,880
Speaker 3: and how about this? Right? That's kind of gentle, yes,

585
00:28:56,280 --> 00:28:58,600
Speaker 3: and also too for anyone who's been in those positions

586
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:01,600
Speaker 3: of just giving those boundaries and it's not going the

587
00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:03,360
Speaker 3: way you want it to and you hear me do it.

588
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:07,280
Speaker 3: I'm not in the moment, my nervous system isn't going wild,

589
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:10,840
Speaker 3: and I can phrase it this way and just remember

590
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:15,120
Speaker 3: boundaries expressing your needs. It's a skill. You're flexing the muscle.

591
00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:18,200
Speaker 2: Until she did, we didn't feel comfortable with her being

592
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:21,920
Speaker 2: alone with daughter. This is what did it. She jumped

593
00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:23,840
Speaker 2: up and shouted, you can't take her away from me.

594
00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:26,280
Speaker 2: She's all I have. Why are you trying to keep

595
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:29,000
Speaker 2: me away from her? Ope? I've done so much for you.

596
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:32,240
Speaker 2: I was the mother in law that husband's bio mother wasn't,

597
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:35,160
Speaker 2: and this is how you repay me by taking away

598
00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:38,840
Speaker 2: my little girl. I don't have issues. I couldn't have children,

599
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:41,440
Speaker 2: and God himself bless me with a family of my own,

600
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:43,680
Speaker 2: and now you're trying to take her from me. She

601
00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:47,800
Speaker 2: ran out, shouting daughter's name. We all sat there, stunned.

602
00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:51,520
Speaker 2: I shot up and followed her, ran past her, blocking

603
00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:54,800
Speaker 2: the stairs. I pushed stepmother in law back and told

604
00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:56,720
Speaker 2: her get out of my house. You're going to wake

605
00:29:56,800 --> 00:30:00,000
Speaker 2: up my kids. My voice was firm and oddly unfaithed,

606
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:03,400
Speaker 2: even though I was in complete shock. She collapsed, grabbing

607
00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:06,640
Speaker 2: onto my feet, begging and wailing. Husband and father in

608
00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:07,840
Speaker 2: law appeared shot.

609
00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:10,520
Speaker 3: This is a trauma response. Yes yeah.

610
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:13,680
Speaker 2: Husband unclawed her hands from my feet and lifted up

611
00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:17,320
Speaker 2: her limp body. She grabbed husband by his face and wept. Please,

612
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:19,280
Speaker 2: I'll do whatever you want. I'll listen to your rules.

613
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:21,640
Speaker 2: Please don't take her away from me. She's my little girl.

614
00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:25,240
Speaker 2: Husband looked at father in law and said she needs help,

615
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:28,240
Speaker 2: more than what any of us can give her. Father

616
00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:31,320
Speaker 2: in law snapped out of his trance and took stepmother

617
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:34,160
Speaker 2: in law's hand, trying to calm her down. She was

618
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:37,600
Speaker 2: still weeping as they opened the door. Please please, please,

619
00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:40,760
Speaker 2: ope you please, was the last thing I heard before

620
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:43,160
Speaker 2: they got in the car and drove off.

621
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:46,320
Speaker 3: Wow. I just think about the stress of a family

622
00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:50,120
Speaker 3: having to go through this. Yeah, that is incredibly difficult,

623
00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:54,360
Speaker 3: and boundaries your nervous system. And because these events don't

624
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:58,200
Speaker 3: just happen and you go to bed and don't experience it,

625
00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:01,760
Speaker 3: your body is literally processing all of this and it's

626
00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:05,760
Speaker 3: so much. And this is the impact of not working

627
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:07,680
Speaker 3: through your own grief and healing.

628
00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:10,040
Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean, it's clear that the stepmother in law

629
00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:14,560
Speaker 2: had such a giant response to I'm I mean, ohp

630
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:18,040
Speaker 2: never said you never get to see my daughter. All

631
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:18,720
Speaker 2: she could.

632
00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:20,720
Speaker 3: Hear was the loss. Though you're losing.

633
00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:22,840
Speaker 2: You can't have her anymore. She's not yours. Yeah, when

634
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:25,000
Speaker 2: all op was trying to do was set boundaries. I

635
00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:27,200
Speaker 2: ran up to check on the kids. They were both

636
00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:31,040
Speaker 2: fast asleep. I walked back downstairs and sat on the stairs.

637
00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:34,360
Speaker 2: Then a husband sat down next to me, held my hand,

638
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:37,080
Speaker 2: and we sat there in silence for the next five minutes,

639
00:31:37,320 --> 00:31:40,880
Speaker 2: mentally processing what happened. I call the childminder to let

640
00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:43,240
Speaker 2: her know that she can't release the kids to anyone

641
00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:47,160
Speaker 2: but me or husband. And there is a third update.

642
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:51,760
Speaker 2: Oh but wow, yeah, wow, Okay, lot so happen.

643
00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:55,200
Speaker 3: We're trying to protect family, which is good, and this

644
00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:57,920
Speaker 3: is now really up to father in law.

645
00:31:58,040 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 2: Well, it seems like he's finally, at least in this moment,

646
00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,960
Speaker 2: understanding how big of an issue this is, because.

647
00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:08,040
Speaker 3: Hopefully, yeah, hopefully hopefully, because sometimes what could happen is

648
00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:11,840
Speaker 3: they go home, she is able to regulate, and then

649
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:15,880
Speaker 3: they flip it all onto daughter in law and make

650
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:18,880
Speaker 3: her the scapegoat and say she's the bad one. And

651
00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:21,760
Speaker 3: this is the common thing that so many daughters in

652
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:25,680
Speaker 3: law experience is that in laws will say we never

653
00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:29,080
Speaker 3: had these issues before she came along, sure, rather than

654
00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:32,360
Speaker 3: going inwards and taking accountability and so we would hope

655
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:35,120
Speaker 3: then that together they could say I think we need

656
00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:38,440
Speaker 3: to address this. And also too, how powerful it is

657
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:41,040
Speaker 3: if father in law could say, we should go do

658
00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:44,520
Speaker 3: this work together. Let's go and find a therapist and

659
00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:46,760
Speaker 3: we can talk about what this was like for both

660
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:50,080
Speaker 3: of us because they both went through the infertility and

661
00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:50,600
Speaker 3: the laws.

662
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,520
Speaker 2: Well, I think that stepmother I'm not quite sure, but

663
00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:56,040
Speaker 2: I think stepmother in law had that before they got married.

664
00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:59,120
Speaker 3: Oh okay, yeah, and we still I imagine it shows up

665
00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:01,200
Speaker 3: in their dynamic, right it would.

666
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:03,560
Speaker 2: I mean it probably showed up and how she parented

667
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:06,840
Speaker 2: Opie's husband and his brother, yeah, her sibling.

668
00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:09,720
Speaker 3: It's so important for people to recognize that one of

669
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:12,080
Speaker 3: the most powerful things you can do is to say

670
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:15,680
Speaker 3: to your partner, I believe you. I might not feel

671
00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:18,040
Speaker 3: the same way. I might not be getting those nasty

672
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:21,360
Speaker 3: comments from my mom like you are as daughter in law,

673
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:23,560
Speaker 3: but I believe that this isn't good.

674
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:25,600
Speaker 2: Well, I think it's just putting trust in your partner.

675
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:28,160
Speaker 2: We read a lot of cheating stories and stuff, and

676
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:30,600
Speaker 2: I feel like it's similar thing of at the end

677
00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:32,800
Speaker 2: of the day, do you trust your partner? Do you

678
00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:35,760
Speaker 2: believe what they say? Because if you don't have trust.

679
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 3: It's the security, it's the we think of the four

680
00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:45,120
Speaker 3: US's secure, safe, sooth seam that creates this attachment in partnerships.

681
00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:48,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, but we do have a third update, and we're

682
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:51,280
Speaker 2: not even halfway through the story, so this is a

683
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:51,840
Speaker 2: long one.

684
00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:53,120
Speaker 1: John here og host.

685
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:54,600
Speaker 2: We're going to get back to these stories. But a

686
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:57,560
Speaker 2: quick three minute break from hops from our sponsors. A

687
00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:00,760
Speaker 2: lot has happened. Everything was quiet for a few days.

688
00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:03,680
Speaker 2: We hadn't heard from stepmother in law or father in

689
00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:06,680
Speaker 2: law directly, but brother in law said his dad was

690
00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:09,959
Speaker 2: taking care of the situation. Dear husband texted his dad

691
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:11,960
Speaker 2: that we were glad he was getting stepmother in law

692
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:16,040
Speaker 2: professional attention, but due to recent events, we'd be limiting

693
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:19,040
Speaker 2: contact and there would be no contact with the children

694
00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:23,640
Speaker 2: until we saw great improvement. Visits would still be supervised,

695
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:27,200
Speaker 2: he replied. I understand and thank you. I took time

696
00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:30,560
Speaker 2: off work because I was anxious. Apart from the whirlwind

697
00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 2: that was the breakdown, I thought the situation was contained.

698
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:36,600
Speaker 2: This is where the narrator in my life says she

699
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:39,279
Speaker 2: thought wrong. I didn't want to leave the house for

700
00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:41,759
Speaker 2: Mother's Day, but husband planned a whole day, so we

701
00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:45,120
Speaker 2: agreed to celebrate. I felt guilty in the back of

702
00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:47,560
Speaker 2: my mind. I couldn't help thinking of stepmother in law,

703
00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:51,240
Speaker 2: who we celebrate every year, and she was probably a mess.

704
00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:53,680
Speaker 2: The morning of, I laid out my makeup and went

705
00:34:53,719 --> 00:34:57,800
Speaker 2: to shower. I came back and several products were gone.

706
00:34:58,760 --> 00:34:59,760
Speaker 2: She and your house.

707
00:35:00,719 --> 00:35:03,040
Speaker 3: Sorry, let's go back to the Mother's Day piece. I

708
00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:06,080
Speaker 3: often say to women and grandparents if I'm working with them,

709
00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:10,400
Speaker 3: that Mother's Day can be celebrated in lots of different ways,

710
00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:13,719
Speaker 3: but generation today is saying it's supposed to be for

711
00:35:13,719 --> 00:35:16,839
Speaker 3: those who are in the trenches, and that if your

712
00:35:17,080 --> 00:35:20,040
Speaker 3: mother in law or your own mother really want a celebration,

713
00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:22,959
Speaker 3: put it on another day. Yeah, maybe it's earlier, maybe

714
00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:24,960
Speaker 3: you bring a flower basket on a different day. But

715
00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:27,880
Speaker 3: I hear from a lot of mothers in law and

716
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:31,400
Speaker 3: mom saying, well, I'm the grandparent, I should be celebrated

717
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:35,040
Speaker 3: on this day. And instead of turning now past the

718
00:35:35,080 --> 00:35:38,560
Speaker 3: torch to the mom and the trenches. Yeah, yeah, I

719
00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:40,360
Speaker 3: give permission for that. Yeah.

720
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,560
Speaker 2: I assumed it was stress and that I must have

721
00:35:42,680 --> 00:35:45,759
Speaker 2: misplaced them. After looking for a while, I just used

722
00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:49,200
Speaker 2: different products and my spare brushes. We left for brownsch

723
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:52,360
Speaker 2: at a restaurant fifteen minutes from our house. It was

724
00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:55,239
Speaker 2: chillier than expected, so I thought i'd grab jackets for

725
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:57,759
Speaker 2: my kids and be back before the food rived. When

726
00:35:57,800 --> 00:36:00,680
Speaker 2: I pulled up, I noticed the signe my door was

727
00:36:00,719 --> 00:36:03,600
Speaker 2: slightly open. It's not a door that has a lock,

728
00:36:03,719 --> 00:36:06,200
Speaker 2: so I assumed the wind opened it, but it was

729
00:36:06,239 --> 00:36:08,719
Speaker 2: still odd. I went to close it and noticed a

730
00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:12,080
Speaker 2: trash can had fallen over. The wind couldn't have knocked

731
00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:15,759
Speaker 2: this over. It was full. Now I was on edge.

732
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,760
Speaker 2: I went to the front of the house, slowly unlocked

733
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:21,760
Speaker 2: the door and closed it behind me. My heart was racing.

734
00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:24,880
Speaker 2: I walked upstairs, past my son's room, up to my

735
00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:28,759
Speaker 2: daughter's room, and the sight I saw horrified me. My

736
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:32,320
Speaker 2: daughter's clothes were organized and rows on the floor, not folded,

737
00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:36,920
Speaker 2: but laid out outfits, completed with shoes and accessories. There

738
00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:40,439
Speaker 2: sitting cross legged on the floor was stepmother in law,

739
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:45,359
Speaker 2: whoa All I could say was what the f hole?

740
00:36:46,239 --> 00:36:49,000
Speaker 2: She got up so fast and sighed like she'd been

741
00:36:49,000 --> 00:36:51,919
Speaker 2: waiting on me. Thank God your hero pe. I came

742
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:54,799
Speaker 2: to celebrate Mother's Day with the baby's no one was here.

743
00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:56,920
Speaker 2: I couldn't decide on what outfit to put her in,

744
00:36:57,080 --> 00:36:59,040
Speaker 2: so I laid them out to get a visual. I

745
00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:01,560
Speaker 2: thought I was the one going crazy. I took out

746
00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:03,480
Speaker 2: my phone to call a husband, and she grabbed it

747
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:05,640
Speaker 2: and said, no, no, we don't have to do that

748
00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:08,439
Speaker 2: with the effing creepiest great I feel like she's having

749
00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:09,200
Speaker 2: a breakdown.

750
00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:13,600
Speaker 3: So I'm kind of again, I can't assess anyone, yeah,

751
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:16,600
Speaker 3: when I'm not there and I don't have patient consent,

752
00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:22,560
Speaker 3: But I'm almost getting this flavoring of a break from reality.

753
00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:26,240
Speaker 3: I agree, And someone commented, how does she have keys?

754
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:28,200
Speaker 3: I also want to know that it feels like she

755
00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:28,759
Speaker 3: broke in.

756
00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:32,400
Speaker 2: She might have yeah, or maybe there's a house you know,

757
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:34,359
Speaker 2: hiat to key or something.

758
00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:39,080
Speaker 3: Leaves our side door open all the time. But yeah, yeah,

759
00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:44,000
Speaker 3: this kind of losing touch with reality is a flag.

760
00:37:44,239 --> 00:37:48,320
Speaker 2: Yeah. And when you have this, you know, heartbreaking loss

761
00:37:48,360 --> 00:37:52,400
Speaker 2: of a child previously that you haven't gotten over worked through,

762
00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:55,719
Speaker 2: and then you have this trigger of you can't see

763
00:37:55,719 --> 00:37:58,359
Speaker 2: the kids anymore, seems like it's all kind of come

764
00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:01,880
Speaker 2: together to this moment. My heart was saying, start swinging,

765
00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:04,960
Speaker 2: but my head was saying, she's unwell and clearly unstable.

766
00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:07,960
Speaker 2: I told her she needed to leave right now. You're

767
00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:11,160
Speaker 2: not supposed to be here, we're no contact, she said,

768
00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:13,719
Speaker 2: But it's Mother's Day, It's the day God meant from

769
00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:17,120
Speaker 2: mothers and children. I should be with my baby. I

770
00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:20,080
Speaker 2: told her, she's not your daughter. I am her mother.

771
00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:23,719
Speaker 2: You're not even biologically related to her. I'm done with this,

772
00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:27,640
Speaker 2: I snatched my phone back and started walking downstairs to

773
00:38:27,719 --> 00:38:31,279
Speaker 2: call husband, and this woman was sobbing behind me. I

774
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:34,080
Speaker 2: called husband and told him he wanted to drive back,

775
00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:36,759
Speaker 2: but I didn't want him to bring the kids. Oh okay,

776
00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:38,319
Speaker 2: then good, I thought the kids were there.

777
00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:40,919
Speaker 3: No, she went back by herself because she thought while

778
00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:42,759
Speaker 3: waiting for food, she'd go and come back.

779
00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:45,880
Speaker 2: Okay. I was like, why are you leaving the kids upstairs? Okay,

780
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:48,719
Speaker 2: so the kids aren't there. She was just arranging the clothes.

781
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:50,759
Speaker 2: But I didn't want him to bring the kids, so

782
00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:53,040
Speaker 2: I said drop them at sister in law's house. Then

783
00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:56,560
Speaker 2: come This woman was screaming over my shoulder. Oh pie,

784
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:59,080
Speaker 2: is that husband? Is he bringing daughter? I knew you

785
00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:02,600
Speaker 2: come around. See this was a misunderstanding. Babies are supposed

786
00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:05,640
Speaker 2: to be with their mothers. She started laughing. I told her,

787
00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:08,319
Speaker 2: your delusional. I can never let you be around them.

788
00:39:08,440 --> 00:39:12,800
Speaker 2: You broke into my house. I'm calling the police. She sobbed.

789
00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:16,560
Speaker 2: You can't. We're family, I'm not doing anything wrong. You're

790
00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:19,120
Speaker 2: trying to keep her from me. Half of me wanted

791
00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:21,279
Speaker 2: to beat the sence into her, but the other half

792
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:23,799
Speaker 2: was so freaked out. I thought it would be better

793
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:26,560
Speaker 2: for the police to handle this. I think that's probably

794
00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:27,160
Speaker 2: a good idea.

795
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:30,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, and also too when we call the police. And

796
00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:32,120
Speaker 3: I don't want to speak out in my area of expertise,

797
00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:35,040
Speaker 3: but you know, if you are ever concerned about someone's

798
00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:37,239
Speaker 3: mental well being, because this is not a threat, you

799
00:39:37,239 --> 00:39:38,680
Speaker 3: don't make a threat to someone. I'm like, I'm gonna

800
00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:41,560
Speaker 3: call the police, but if you are seriously concerned, you

801
00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:45,640
Speaker 3: call nine one one. Yeah, recognizing it's not like a Yeah,

802
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:48,840
Speaker 3: recognizing you're not a therapist, you're not an emergency counselor,

803
00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:51,279
Speaker 3: and that if you're worried for someone's well being, in

804
00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 3: safety and even your own.

805
00:39:52,400 --> 00:39:55,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, calling a medical professional rather than call nine one one. Yeah.

806
00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:58,480
Speaker 2: The phone was ringing as I said hello and turned

807
00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:02,920
Speaker 2: back around. Oh my god, this woman had two sharp objects,

808
00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:06,479
Speaker 2: each one pointing at her temple. I never felt more

809
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:09,640
Speaker 2: powerless and horrified. She was sobbing that she couldn't live

810
00:40:09,680 --> 00:40:12,760
Speaker 2: in this world without her baby. I tried to speak calmly,

811
00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:15,279
Speaker 2: but I was about to faint from horror. She was

812
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:18,120
Speaker 2: screaming and sobbing uncontrollably, saying she couldn't live in this

813
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:21,840
Speaker 2: world anymore. It was too painful, too evil. I was

814
00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:25,719
Speaker 2: crying now, half because I was terrified, the other half

815
00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:28,640
Speaker 2: because what she was saying was horrible. I begged and

816
00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:30,480
Speaker 2: pleaded with her, but I knew the only thing that

817
00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:32,719
Speaker 2: would get her to put down the sharp objects was

818
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:35,919
Speaker 2: my daughter. I told her she couldn't do this. Would

819
00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:39,479
Speaker 2: it affect daughter without her grandmother here? She needed her.

820
00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:42,640
Speaker 2: She started to whimper and drop the knives. I picked

821
00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:46,320
Speaker 2: them up. The police arrived. I mean, clearly this woman

822
00:40:46,400 --> 00:40:49,759
Speaker 2: needs full time care. This yeah, yeah, this is not

823
00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:52,560
Speaker 2: you know, so she's just a bad mother in law.

824
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:54,040
Speaker 2: This is beyond that.

825
00:40:54,640 --> 00:40:58,680
Speaker 3: It sounds like there is that break in contact of reality.

826
00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:03,480
Speaker 3: And then also too, the threat to self really indicates

827
00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:04,680
Speaker 3: that she needs more help.

828
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:07,080
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I mean father in law cannot at this

829
00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:08,160
Speaker 2: point help her.

830
00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:13,359
Speaker 3: This is traumatizing. Yeah, and I'm hoping then for op

831
00:41:14,239 --> 00:41:17,280
Speaker 3: she is going to now go check in with her therapist,

832
00:41:17,480 --> 00:41:20,759
Speaker 3: because that is incredibly difficult.

833
00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:25,080
Speaker 2: Having that responsibility of trying to walk someone back from

834
00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:28,800
Speaker 2: that moment is terrifying. The rest of the day was

835
00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:31,640
Speaker 2: a blur. I remember her husband, father in law, and

836
00:41:31,719 --> 00:41:35,200
Speaker 2: brother in law arriving shortly. I remember screaming at father

837
00:41:35,239 --> 00:41:37,480
Speaker 2: in law that he was weak and cowardly and that

838
00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:39,279
Speaker 2: he needed to put her in a hospital where she

839
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:42,359
Speaker 2: could be psychologically analyzed. I felt bad at how I

840
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:43,920
Speaker 2: was screaming at him, but that was one of the

841
00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:47,439
Speaker 2: most terrifying moments I witnessed. Stepmother in law went into

842
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:51,960
Speaker 2: psychiatric hold and she's still in the hospital. Neither husband

843
00:41:51,960 --> 00:41:54,400
Speaker 2: nor I have visited her, but sister in law told

844
00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:57,000
Speaker 2: me for the first day she was screaming, just let

845
00:41:57,040 --> 00:42:00,680
Speaker 2: me pass away and crying her daughter. It's been a week,

846
00:42:00,719 --> 00:42:02,400
Speaker 2: but I was told she's made improvements.

847
00:42:02,719 --> 00:42:04,560
Speaker 3: And this is also too. I think people really need

848
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:08,279
Speaker 3: to hear this because for op, you didn't cause this. No,

849
00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:10,640
Speaker 3: and I know so many people can easily fall into

850
00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:13,400
Speaker 3: guilt and shame, even of like I'm a bad person

851
00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:16,480
Speaker 3: that I did this. You had every right to express boundaries.

852
00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:18,879
Speaker 2: And also it seems like you, like the moment that

853
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:21,680
Speaker 2: you noticed that there was something wrong, you came to

854
00:42:21,719 --> 00:42:25,080
Speaker 2: her and said, I'm worried for you. It's not just

855
00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:27,600
Speaker 2: we're setting boundaries. You can never I hate you, it's

856
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:30,239
Speaker 2: I'm worried for you because we had a good relationship.

857
00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:32,880
Speaker 2: I don't know how to feel. On one hand, our

858
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:37,440
Speaker 2: relationship is permanently damaged. I feel guilty because I know

859
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:40,480
Speaker 2: she's unwell, but a part of me will always feel

860
00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:44,120
Speaker 2: she's unpredictable and therefore unsafe to be around. Me and

861
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:46,399
Speaker 2: the kids are going to our apartment in another state

862
00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:49,080
Speaker 2: for a few weeks. My best friend lives at ten

863
00:42:49,120 --> 00:42:52,600
Speaker 2: minute drive away. We're also looking to move. This whole

864
00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:55,360
Speaker 2: thing has been a trial, to say the least. And

865
00:42:55,480 --> 00:42:58,200
Speaker 2: there is another update, but too have many thoughts before

866
00:42:58,200 --> 00:42:59,120
Speaker 2: we get into that update.

867
00:42:59,239 --> 00:43:02,719
Speaker 3: The community and connection is really important. Taking space is important.

868
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:03,960
Speaker 3: Looking after yourself.

869
00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:06,839
Speaker 2: You need to, yeah, focusing on you, your husband, and

870
00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:08,879
Speaker 2: your kids because you've already done a lot.

871
00:43:09,080 --> 00:43:11,760
Speaker 3: And the thing here too is the mother and father.

872
00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:14,200
Speaker 3: You have to be well to look after your kids

873
00:43:14,440 --> 00:43:17,560
Speaker 3: at this point. Your children need you to be grounded

874
00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:23,200
Speaker 3: and connected and secure and attentive. And I just love

875
00:43:23,239 --> 00:43:25,200
Speaker 3: that she's doing that. But that's traumatic.

876
00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:29,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely. But we have a fourth update, and guys,

877
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:32,840
Speaker 2: we are getting to the end of the story. But wow,

878
00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:35,680
Speaker 2: what a crazy story. Hey guys, I'll give you a

879
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:38,400
Speaker 2: rundown of what's been going on. Stepmother in law is

880
00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:40,959
Speaker 2: out of the hospital. From what I've heard from sister

881
00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:44,440
Speaker 2: in law. Her delusions have stopped, but she's very depressed

882
00:43:44,480 --> 00:43:46,799
Speaker 2: at the reality of her life and what's happened. She's

883
00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:50,240
Speaker 2: now attending therapy. The restraining order was granted. We spoke

884
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:52,680
Speaker 2: to our lawyers and the breaking and entering charges were

885
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:55,880
Speaker 2: trickier than we thought. Honestly, we think she needs mental

886
00:43:55,880 --> 00:43:58,920
Speaker 2: health more than criminal corrections, so we decided against it.

887
00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:01,839
Speaker 3: I agree, Yeah, yeah, it's this kind of we're going

888
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:04,640
Speaker 3: to drop this, We're going to focus on what's really important.

889
00:44:04,920 --> 00:44:06,880
Speaker 3: And also too for father in law then to be

890
00:44:07,040 --> 00:44:11,080
Speaker 3: on board to see this. Yeah, and this is such

891
00:44:11,160 --> 00:44:13,839
Speaker 3: a moment of distress. So I think we also want

892
00:44:13,880 --> 00:44:18,480
Speaker 3: to understand that having delusions, well even like, let's look

893
00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:21,279
Speaker 3: at delusions for a minute from a mental health perspective,

894
00:44:22,120 --> 00:44:26,480
Speaker 3: this is anxiety to the extreme. So when we're anxious,

895
00:44:26,520 --> 00:44:28,800
Speaker 3: we're worried that someone's going to break into our house.

896
00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:31,640
Speaker 3: When we have a delusion, we believe someone broke into

897
00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:35,399
Speaker 3: our house. So it's the spectrum, and that oftentimes when

898
00:44:35,440 --> 00:44:38,000
Speaker 3: we get to this place of having delusions or hallucinations,

899
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:41,200
Speaker 3: it's not just one thing, it's a series of stressors

900
00:44:41,239 --> 00:44:43,799
Speaker 3: over time. And so this was a build up for

901
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:45,400
Speaker 3: her really. Yeah.

902
00:44:45,520 --> 00:44:48,000
Speaker 2: We have a complete new security system that covers the

903
00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:51,600
Speaker 2: whole grounds, new locks, new passwords. The house got put

904
00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:54,440
Speaker 2: up for sale. I'm sad about this because it's my

905
00:44:54,600 --> 00:44:57,560
Speaker 2: dream house, but too much has happened. Plus, stepmother in

906
00:44:57,600 --> 00:44:59,960
Speaker 2: law and father in law live a twenty minute drive away,

907
00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:02,879
Speaker 2: which is way too close. Me and the kids are

908
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:06,600
Speaker 2: temporarily staying in our apartment in another state. Stepmother in

909
00:45:06,680 --> 00:45:09,520
Speaker 2: law has never been here and she doesn't know the address.

910
00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:13,880
Speaker 2: My friends have been really supportive, and my sister flew over. Still,

911
00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:15,680
Speaker 2: I gave a picture to the doorman of what she

912
00:45:15,719 --> 00:45:18,719
Speaker 2: looks like, just in case. We finalized our will to

913
00:45:18,840 --> 00:45:21,800
Speaker 2: ensure father in law and stepmother in law will never

914
00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:24,760
Speaker 2: be the guardians of our children. I wanted to clear

915
00:45:24,800 --> 00:45:27,000
Speaker 2: some things up from my last post. I don't feel

916
00:45:27,080 --> 00:45:29,640
Speaker 2: sorry for her, as in I'll forgive her poor her.

917
00:45:29,760 --> 00:45:32,600
Speaker 2: She's not a threat. I feel sorry that this is

918
00:45:32,640 --> 00:45:36,360
Speaker 2: an unfortunate situation, and it's a shame it had to

919
00:45:36,520 --> 00:45:39,280
Speaker 2: end in no contact. Don't get me wrong, I felt

920
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:42,000
Speaker 2: sad initially, but not enough to place her needs above

921
00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:45,399
Speaker 2: mine or my children's. If I'm being completely honest, Even

922
00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:47,919
Speaker 2: with the ro I think she will still come for us.

923
00:45:48,239 --> 00:45:50,000
Speaker 2: Hopefully the therapy will help them.

924
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:53,400
Speaker 3: And also too, if there was that break from reality

925
00:45:53,560 --> 00:45:55,720
Speaker 3: that was why she was in the home, not because

926
00:45:56,239 --> 00:45:59,120
Speaker 3: once she has had that addressed, she would do it again.

927
00:45:59,320 --> 00:46:03,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, I doubt she cares about legal repercussions. Sister in

928
00:46:03,880 --> 00:46:06,160
Speaker 2: law said it took some time, but she doesn't seem

929
00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:10,000
Speaker 2: delusional anymore, just depressed, and that she cries all day

930
00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:12,360
Speaker 2: that she won't see us for a long time because

931
00:46:12,400 --> 00:46:14,520
Speaker 2: of what she did. I can't take the risk of

932
00:46:14,520 --> 00:46:17,160
Speaker 2: her being around my children knowing what she's capable of,

933
00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:19,799
Speaker 2: but they will no doubt try to guilt us into

934
00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:22,160
Speaker 2: seeing them, especially with the birthdays coming up.

935
00:46:22,760 --> 00:46:26,040
Speaker 3: I really hear ope setting boundaries for themselves, which is

936
00:46:26,080 --> 00:46:28,799
Speaker 3: all of and it's so unfortunate that you have to

937
00:46:28,840 --> 00:46:30,560
Speaker 3: move and make those decisions.

938
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:33,400
Speaker 2: The house that you know you love just.

939
00:46:33,160 --> 00:46:35,879
Speaker 3: Just crushing and at the same time, though you could

940
00:46:35,920 --> 00:46:39,040
Speaker 3: stay stuck and continue to spiral. And why did they

941
00:46:39,080 --> 00:46:41,439
Speaker 3: do that? Why did this happen? They should have to move?

942
00:46:41,920 --> 00:46:45,320
Speaker 3: They went inwards and made all of the agency for themselves,

943
00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:49,520
Speaker 3: and that's really powerful. The piece I'm thinking about here

944
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:53,160
Speaker 3: and again, like you have to decide that as a couple,

945
00:46:53,239 --> 00:46:55,800
Speaker 3: it's never for someone else to judge what you decide

946
00:46:55,800 --> 00:46:59,960
Speaker 3: to do, and that no contact. Maybe it shifts, maybe

947
00:47:00,040 --> 00:47:01,319
Speaker 3: at some point we don't know how it ends, but

948
00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:03,239
Speaker 3: maybe one day down the road it shifts to low

949
00:47:03,239 --> 00:47:05,720
Speaker 3: contact and that you meet at a restaurant when.

950
00:47:05,600 --> 00:47:08,600
Speaker 2: She's proven that she's taken the steps that she needs

951
00:47:08,640 --> 00:47:09,040
Speaker 2: to take.

952
00:47:09,000 --> 00:47:11,719
Speaker 3: And only the couple can decide what will feel good

953
00:47:11,719 --> 00:47:12,439
Speaker 3: for that. Yeah.

954
00:47:12,719 --> 00:47:15,520
Speaker 2: Father in law promised stepmother in law that when she

955
00:47:15,600 --> 00:47:18,319
Speaker 2: gets better, of course she'll get to see us. Father

956
00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:20,480
Speaker 2: in law said that I don't think he could make

957
00:47:20,480 --> 00:47:23,200
Speaker 2: that promise. Brother in law stepped in and said, that's

958
00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:26,600
Speaker 2: not his decision, and we've made it clear that stepmother

959
00:47:26,640 --> 00:47:30,120
Speaker 2: in law won't be around our children for a long time.

960
00:47:30,719 --> 00:47:34,360
Speaker 2: She cried. The flying monkeys have hit us with full force.

961
00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:37,680
Speaker 2: People from stepmother in law's church called husband, rambling about

962
00:47:37,680 --> 00:47:40,839
Speaker 2: how terrible this situation is and we shouldn't abandon her

963
00:47:40,880 --> 00:47:43,880
Speaker 2: in her time of need. He hung up. The pastor

964
00:47:43,920 --> 00:47:45,960
Speaker 2: of the church met with husband, and he was lovely.

965
00:47:46,480 --> 00:47:48,640
Speaker 2: He said, we were taking the right steps to ensure

966
00:47:48,680 --> 00:47:50,719
Speaker 2: the safety of our children. Maybe he can talk to

967
00:47:50,719 --> 00:47:54,440
Speaker 2: all those people that are calling your husband from the church. Hmmm,

968
00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:57,560
Speaker 2: since he's in a position of leadership. We have vacation

969
00:47:57,719 --> 00:47:59,880
Speaker 2: plans already booked, so we'll be out of the country

970
00:48:00,080 --> 00:48:03,000
Speaker 2: a few months. Unfortunately, we can't move out of the

971
00:48:03,080 --> 00:48:06,359
Speaker 2: US permanently. It isn't the right time for us, but

972
00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:10,440
Speaker 2: we're definitely moving states a fresh start is overdue. To

973
00:48:10,440 --> 00:48:12,560
Speaker 2: top it off, my mother in law has returned from

974
00:48:12,560 --> 00:48:16,680
Speaker 2: her travels, pestering husband for details and sweeping in trying

975
00:48:16,680 --> 00:48:20,080
Speaker 2: to adopt this stable parental and grandparent role. So I

976
00:48:20,080 --> 00:48:22,760
Speaker 2: guess we have Opie's husband's bio mother.

977
00:48:23,120 --> 00:48:25,279
Speaker 3: Coming in and buy his bio MoMA coming in.

978
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, the mother is so I think there's the stepmother

979
00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:29,480
Speaker 2: in law who's married to Opie's father in law, and

980
00:48:29,480 --> 00:48:30,960
Speaker 2: then we have mother in law.

981
00:48:31,160 --> 00:48:32,480
Speaker 3: So mother in law's coming in.

982
00:48:32,760 --> 00:48:35,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, So it's trying to It seems like she's trying

983
00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:38,000
Speaker 2: to be like, oh see, you guys didn't like me,

984
00:48:38,200 --> 00:48:41,640
Speaker 2: but I'm looking pretty good now. That's what at least

985
00:48:41,640 --> 00:48:45,000
Speaker 2: i'm reading from that sentence. Also, I never found the

986
00:48:45,040 --> 00:48:48,120
Speaker 2: missing makeup. I had to repurchase the products, which sucks

987
00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:49,880
Speaker 2: because it's expensive as.

988
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:51,839
Speaker 3: That and people shouldn't steal from your house no.

989
00:48:52,239 --> 00:48:55,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, some relevant comments from Little m Me Too says,

990
00:48:55,040 --> 00:48:58,200
Speaker 2: I'm so sorry for you all, such a crappy situation.

991
00:48:58,880 --> 00:49:01,120
Speaker 2: I think you're doing the right thing though. And as

992
00:49:01,160 --> 00:49:04,239
Speaker 2: for a name, Naobi in Greek mythology, the woman who

993
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:07,280
Speaker 2: wept for her passed away children until she turned to stone.

994
00:49:07,400 --> 00:49:08,680
Speaker 3: Ooh, that gives me chills.

995
00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:12,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, Panther Purple who's op says Wow, this might

996
00:49:12,719 --> 00:49:15,120
Speaker 2: be the winner. And there is a fifth update, and

997
00:49:15,160 --> 00:49:18,120
Speaker 2: I believe this would probably be the final update to

998
00:49:18,239 --> 00:49:21,240
Speaker 2: our story. One more. But any final thoughts.

999
00:49:21,719 --> 00:49:24,680
Speaker 3: Oh, we've just taught. We've dabbled in so much here.

1000
00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:27,200
Speaker 2: It was such a lot to unpack about this story.

1001
00:49:27,280 --> 00:49:32,960
Speaker 3: There's this almost generational piece that I'm curious about. And again,

1002
00:49:33,160 --> 00:49:37,799
Speaker 3: so adult children are not responsible for parents feelings. We

1003
00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:41,640
Speaker 3: can show up with empathy, kindness, validation, but it's not

1004
00:49:41,760 --> 00:49:44,880
Speaker 3: our job to soothe them and meet all of their needs.

1005
00:49:44,960 --> 00:49:47,120
Speaker 3: And I think that's really important for us to remember

1006
00:49:47,160 --> 00:49:51,359
Speaker 3: because holidays around the corner parents are saying. And again,

1007
00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:54,319
Speaker 3: in unhealthy family systems, some of the things that show

1008
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:55,880
Speaker 3: up I outline ten in the book. So some of

1009
00:49:55,920 --> 00:49:58,440
Speaker 3: the things that show up are things like rigidity and control,

1010
00:49:59,040 --> 00:50:02,360
Speaker 3: where they'll say things like we always celebrate on Thursday.

1011
00:50:02,600 --> 00:50:05,080
Speaker 3: You have to be here on Thursday, and then they

1012
00:50:05,120 --> 00:50:06,960
Speaker 3: weep when you say this year, we're not coming, like

1013
00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:11,360
Speaker 3: that's that's not healthy. Yeah, healthy family systems can say, huh,

1014
00:50:11,480 --> 00:50:13,799
Speaker 3: I feel sad that you're not coming this year. It

1015
00:50:13,840 --> 00:50:16,200
Speaker 3: is a tradition and I love so much. How can

1016
00:50:16,239 --> 00:50:18,280
Speaker 3: we then find another time to do this together?

1017
00:50:18,480 --> 00:50:21,440
Speaker 2: We do this over the weekend if you're free, Yeah,

1018
00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:22,720
Speaker 2: just so we can be together.

1019
00:50:23,239 --> 00:50:27,319
Speaker 3: Because healthy families are not hinged on one event, which I.

1020
00:50:27,280 --> 00:50:29,000
Speaker 2: Think is kind of going into the mother in law

1021
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:31,480
Speaker 2: or mother's day of saying we can celebrate it on

1022
00:50:31,520 --> 00:50:32,160
Speaker 2: another day.

1023
00:50:32,400 --> 00:50:35,440
Speaker 3: Sure, and also too, I mean again, these events have

1024
00:50:35,480 --> 00:50:37,920
Speaker 3: to work for you. Some families will say it's fine,

1025
00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:40,400
Speaker 3: my mother in law wants Thanksgiving, we all show up.

1026
00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:43,799
Speaker 3: It's fine. There's another piece here where this generation of

1027
00:50:43,880 --> 00:50:48,520
Speaker 3: parents they're doing things differently compared to previous generations. We

1028
00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:51,439
Speaker 3: don't want to pack up the kids. We don't want

1029
00:50:51,440 --> 00:50:54,120
Speaker 3: to drive. I'm in Canada so snow. We don't want

1030
00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:56,879
Speaker 3: to drive through the eight hour snowstorm with the three

1031
00:50:56,920 --> 00:50:59,400
Speaker 3: month old and the toddler crying, and the dog and

1032
00:50:59,440 --> 00:51:02,799
Speaker 3: the backseat. But other generations did that because that's just

1033
00:51:02,920 --> 00:51:05,440
Speaker 3: what you did. Yeah, and that was the right thing

1034
00:51:05,480 --> 00:51:07,360
Speaker 3: to do. And I think for so many of us today,

1035
00:51:07,360 --> 00:51:10,759
Speaker 3: we're so overwhelmed and burnt out and stressed. We don't

1036
00:51:10,800 --> 00:51:12,640
Speaker 3: have to list off the events for why we are

1037
00:51:13,560 --> 00:51:16,839
Speaker 3: and we're choosing our own family tradition, yeah, and our

1038
00:51:16,880 --> 00:51:19,400
Speaker 3: own things that are meaningful to us. And so for

1039
00:51:19,520 --> 00:51:22,920
Speaker 3: healthy families, just remember that it doesn't hinge on one event.

1040
00:51:23,360 --> 00:51:26,200
Speaker 3: There's lots of things that make a connected relationship. And

1041
00:51:26,239 --> 00:51:28,680
Speaker 3: if the stepmother could be a little more grounded, she

1042
00:51:28,760 --> 00:51:32,160
Speaker 3: could see all the other ways that she builds family.

1043
00:51:32,360 --> 00:51:35,680
Speaker 2: Yeah. And it's sad that OPI lost that really seemingly

1044
00:51:35,719 --> 00:51:38,360
Speaker 2: important relationship she had with step.

1045
00:51:38,360 --> 00:51:40,640
Speaker 3: Much as grief for her too. Yeah.

1046
00:51:40,840 --> 00:51:44,320
Speaker 2: Update five. I can't go into everything because it's draining,

1047
00:51:44,440 --> 00:51:46,839
Speaker 2: so I'll give you the highlights. I've decided to go

1048
00:51:46,880 --> 00:51:50,479
Speaker 2: with Niobe because the namesake is eerily appropriate. A month ago,

1049
00:51:50,600 --> 00:51:53,800
Speaker 2: sister in law facetiming she was at Niobe's house helping

1050
00:51:53,840 --> 00:51:57,320
Speaker 2: her clean and came across a suitcase. So Niobe is

1051
00:51:57,320 --> 00:52:00,880
Speaker 2: the stepmother in law. Inside were pieces of my clothes, shoes,

1052
00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:04,360
Speaker 2: I hadn't seen for months, ras, gloves, and a bunch

1053
00:52:04,400 --> 00:52:08,520
Speaker 2: of random stuff including hair ties and perfume. When asked

1054
00:52:08,520 --> 00:52:10,759
Speaker 2: about it, Naobi said she used to take things of mind,

1055
00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:14,000
Speaker 2: no matter how insignificant. She wanted to make things more

1056
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:17,080
Speaker 2: familiar for daughter when she was here. She was asked

1057
00:52:17,080 --> 00:52:19,799
Speaker 2: about my makeup, but Naobi said she couldn't remember if

1058
00:52:19,840 --> 00:52:20,799
Speaker 2: that was something she took.

1059
00:52:21,280 --> 00:52:25,120
Speaker 3: That wouldn't be so out to the left field if

1060
00:52:25,120 --> 00:52:28,319
Speaker 3: she had said, yeah, can I make a space, like,

1061
00:52:28,360 --> 00:52:30,720
Speaker 3: how could we do this instead of doing this in secret?

1062
00:52:30,840 --> 00:52:35,440
Speaker 3: So I know that many grandparents build this healthy nursery

1063
00:52:35,560 --> 00:52:37,839
Speaker 3: setup so the baby will be comfortable, but you have

1064
00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:41,000
Speaker 3: to do it in joint with the parents.

1065
00:52:41,560 --> 00:52:45,960
Speaker 2: Right here, she's trying to adopt A's kind of visage

1066
00:52:46,040 --> 00:52:49,360
Speaker 2: to you know, take the daughter. So the mystery of

1067
00:52:49,400 --> 00:52:53,239
Speaker 2: the missing makeup is still unsolved, but a lot of weirdness. Nevertheless,

1068
00:52:53,560 --> 00:52:56,400
Speaker 2: for the first few weeks, father in law bombarded husband

1069
00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:58,759
Speaker 2: with calls and texts he never picked up.

1070
00:52:58,880 --> 00:53:01,360
Speaker 3: That's hard because that's the father in law not respecting

1071
00:53:01,440 --> 00:53:04,920
Speaker 3: boundary for space. That's the anxious pursuit. And it happens

1072
00:53:04,920 --> 00:53:08,320
Speaker 3: often when adult kids say their parents, I need a pause.

1073
00:53:09,080 --> 00:53:11,359
Speaker 3: I just need to take space. We're going to work

1074
00:53:11,400 --> 00:53:13,040
Speaker 3: through this, but in order to do that, I need space.

1075
00:53:13,560 --> 00:53:16,600
Speaker 3: Then that parent goes into the anxious pursuit and they

1076
00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:18,600
Speaker 3: call and they call and they call, and they're making

1077
00:53:18,640 --> 00:53:19,120
Speaker 3: it worse.

1078
00:53:19,120 --> 00:53:21,520
Speaker 2: And then the yeah, they lose. You know, they might

1079
00:53:21,560 --> 00:53:24,160
Speaker 2: have had a chance to reunite in the future, but

1080
00:53:24,200 --> 00:53:26,560
Speaker 2: they lose that chance. Turns out father in law would

1081
00:53:26,560 --> 00:53:29,120
Speaker 2: call any time. Niobe was having a hard time to

1082
00:53:29,160 --> 00:53:31,480
Speaker 2: convince us to let her have a FaceTime session with

1083
00:53:31,520 --> 00:53:33,480
Speaker 2: the kids, which I don't even think would help her.

1084
00:53:33,600 --> 00:53:35,319
Speaker 2: And I feel like he needs to be working more

1085
00:53:35,360 --> 00:53:38,879
Speaker 2: with the professionals that hopefully are you know, working with

1086
00:53:39,280 --> 00:53:42,759
Speaker 2: stepmother in law, rather than just giving into all of

1087
00:53:42,800 --> 00:53:45,640
Speaker 2: the demands that she has. Our children adapted pretty well

1088
00:53:45,719 --> 00:53:48,360
Speaker 2: after our conversation with son explaining why they won't be

1089
00:53:48,360 --> 00:53:52,400
Speaker 2: seeing their grandparents. He hasn't really struggled or asked. Niobi

1090
00:53:52,520 --> 00:53:56,200
Speaker 2: is making steady mental progress. She's not delusional anymore, but

1091
00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:59,120
Speaker 2: she still has her own issues. Her and her church

1092
00:53:59,200 --> 00:54:02,719
Speaker 2: minions have convens themselves that my actions are far too drastic.

1093
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:05,720
Speaker 3: Oh and they are scapegoating the daughter in law instead

1094
00:54:05,719 --> 00:54:09,080
Speaker 3: of making it about what she did that was not okay, And.

1095
00:54:09,040 --> 00:54:11,400
Speaker 2: It's just very frustrating to me because it feels like

1096
00:54:11,440 --> 00:54:16,480
Speaker 2: all of these church people are kind of like vultures

1097
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:21,000
Speaker 2: around this clearly unwell woman and inserting whatever their own

1098
00:54:21,040 --> 00:54:23,760
Speaker 2: thoughts and feelings are about family dynamic onto a person

1099
00:54:23,760 --> 00:54:27,120
Speaker 2: who is struggling and needs a lot of help, just

1100
00:54:27,160 --> 00:54:28,280
Speaker 2: specifically these people.

1101
00:54:28,560 --> 00:54:32,120
Speaker 3: It's almost this self awareness skill that when someone tells

1102
00:54:32,200 --> 00:54:36,040
Speaker 3: you a story, you practice questioning what information do I

1103
00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:38,520
Speaker 3: not know? I do this with my friends. My friends

1104
00:54:38,520 --> 00:54:40,480
Speaker 3: will come and we'll have dinner, and they'll say, oh,

1105
00:54:40,560 --> 00:54:43,560
Speaker 3: so and so is having these marital problems, and I'll say, well,

1106
00:54:43,600 --> 00:54:45,640
Speaker 3: that's really interesting because you know, in a marriage there's

1107
00:54:45,640 --> 00:54:49,040
Speaker 3: two people. Yeah, and while you only hear that story,

1108
00:54:49,640 --> 00:54:52,279
Speaker 3: what's the other side that you're not hearing because there's

1109
00:54:52,320 --> 00:54:56,399
Speaker 3: a dynamic, So there's a bias the church friends. Yes,

1110
00:54:56,480 --> 00:54:59,239
Speaker 3: your friends, you're supportive, But at the same time, how

1111
00:54:59,320 --> 00:55:02,480
Speaker 3: powerful if you're a mother in law watching this to

1112
00:55:02,560 --> 00:55:05,440
Speaker 3: then say to your friend, like, maybe you need to

1113
00:55:05,480 --> 00:55:08,799
Speaker 3: respect this, maybe you need to see things from her perspective.

1114
00:55:09,000 --> 00:55:12,840
Speaker 2: Absolutely, they claim I use this opportunity to isolate my

1115
00:55:12,960 --> 00:55:15,880
Speaker 2: husband and children from their family. They also tried to

1116
00:55:15,920 --> 00:55:20,600
Speaker 2: rewrite what happened and said I exaggerated and manipulated Niobe's breakdown.

1117
00:55:21,040 --> 00:55:23,920
Speaker 2: Every couple of weeks I get calls from people asking

1118
00:55:23,960 --> 00:55:27,280
Speaker 2: me if various rumors are true, including that I cheated

1119
00:55:27,280 --> 00:55:30,040
Speaker 2: on husband and convinced him to move to be near

1120
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:33,120
Speaker 2: my lover. Please laugh with me. When they found out

1121
00:55:33,239 --> 00:55:37,760
Speaker 2: we were moving, they flipped out. The following conversation took place, Naobi,

1122
00:55:38,120 --> 00:55:40,759
Speaker 2: she's taking this too far. I understand I was in

1123
00:55:40,840 --> 00:55:43,320
Speaker 2: the wrong, but to move to another state? Wait? Is

1124
00:55:43,360 --> 00:55:45,719
Speaker 2: she planning on leaving to England? She can't do that.

1125
00:55:46,239 --> 00:55:48,480
Speaker 2: Brother in law says, yeah, I don't think you have

1126
00:55:48,520 --> 00:55:51,799
Speaker 2: a say in that, Niobi. I'm still their grandmother. She

1127
00:55:51,840 --> 00:55:53,759
Speaker 2: can't do that. We're not planning to move to the

1128
00:55:53,840 --> 00:55:57,000
Speaker 2: UK anytime in the near future, if ever. But either way,

1129
00:55:57,080 --> 00:55:59,359
Speaker 2: she's not seeing my kids, so why would it matter.

1130
00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:03,880
Speaker 2: Forward This woman and equally unhinged father in law decided

1131
00:56:03,920 --> 00:56:06,440
Speaker 2: to take a lovely trip to visit London when they

1132
00:56:06,440 --> 00:56:09,520
Speaker 2: were in Europe. Thanks to everyone being tight lipped, we

1133
00:56:09,520 --> 00:56:14,160
Speaker 2: were in Asia on vacation. That didn't stop her from

1134
00:56:14,160 --> 00:56:16,920
Speaker 2: trying to call my sister asking for her address to

1135
00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:19,560
Speaker 2: stop buy and catch up my sister gave her a

1136
00:56:19,600 --> 00:56:22,600
Speaker 2: stern talking to and pretty much said, I'm not as

1137
00:56:22,640 --> 00:56:25,439
Speaker 2: patient as my sister. Call me again and we're gonna

1138
00:56:25,480 --> 00:56:28,239
Speaker 2: have big problems. We're heading back to the US, so

1139
00:56:28,360 --> 00:56:31,520
Speaker 2: I'm sure our return will invite another level of crap.

1140
00:56:31,760 --> 00:56:36,400
Speaker 2: But there is a final update to this story. I

1141
00:56:36,600 --> 00:56:38,480
Speaker 2: think that Opie might need to get a new number,

1142
00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:40,879
Speaker 2: which is what a lot of people are saying. If

1143
00:56:40,880 --> 00:56:43,319
Speaker 2: you keep getting harassed by people on.

1144
00:56:43,239 --> 00:56:46,080
Speaker 3: How do you keep setting those boundaries. She's not going

1145
00:56:46,120 --> 00:56:47,920
Speaker 3: to change, She's going to keep trying, So how do

1146
00:56:47,960 --> 00:56:51,520
Speaker 3: you keep creating that space and protecting your peace? Absolutely,

1147
00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:53,920
Speaker 3: and also too, we need family on board on this,

1148
00:56:54,080 --> 00:56:57,120
Speaker 3: and so her sister sounded like she protected.

1149
00:56:56,800 --> 00:56:58,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that was the brother in law as well,

1150
00:56:58,719 --> 00:56:59,399
Speaker 2: so it seems like you.

1151
00:56:59,360 --> 00:57:02,280
Speaker 3: Can sounds like father in law can't do that though,

1152
00:57:02,640 --> 00:57:05,799
Speaker 3: and so that might also require them son to say

1153
00:57:05,840 --> 00:57:09,640
Speaker 3: to dad, listen, Dad, this isn't okay. Yeah, you need

1154
00:57:09,680 --> 00:57:13,960
Speaker 3: to stop. We're taking this space because that distance is

1155
00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:15,200
Speaker 3: not being respected.

1156
00:57:15,480 --> 00:57:17,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just sad because the father in law is

1157
00:57:17,440 --> 00:57:20,600
Speaker 2: not helping his wife by doing this, and it doesn't

1158
00:57:20,600 --> 00:57:23,520
Speaker 2: seem like she really has anyone on her side. Except

1159
00:57:23,720 --> 00:57:26,480
Speaker 2: hopefully a therapist or some you know, medical professional.

1160
00:57:26,600 --> 00:57:29,880
Speaker 3: But it makes me question why why doesn't the father

1161
00:57:29,960 --> 00:57:32,840
Speaker 3: in law be more in there? And I think of

1162
00:57:32,880 --> 00:57:37,520
Speaker 3: the relationship stuff. A really healthy relationship is about challenging

1163
00:57:37,560 --> 00:57:40,600
Speaker 3: each other and influencing each other. We know from research

1164
00:57:41,000 --> 00:57:44,720
Speaker 3: couples who allow influence are more satisfied at follow up,

1165
00:57:45,120 --> 00:57:49,760
Speaker 3: especially men when they allow influence. And so if they're together,

1166
00:57:50,200 --> 00:57:52,360
Speaker 3: he could then be doing this work with her and

1167
00:57:53,080 --> 00:57:56,959
Speaker 3: you know, refocusing and when we set boundaries too, father

1168
00:57:57,000 --> 00:57:59,120
Speaker 3: in law could not just be to stop focusing on this,

1169
00:57:59,200 --> 00:58:02,560
Speaker 3: but instead, let's go take up tai Chi. Let's go

1170
00:58:02,920 --> 00:58:06,720
Speaker 3: to the movies. Let's explore this country we never got

1171
00:58:06,720 --> 00:58:09,200
Speaker 3: to do before. Let's go to the rocky mountains, right.

1172
00:58:09,040 --> 00:58:13,320
Speaker 2: Like something to take the focus off of Golden special life. Yeah,

1173
00:58:13,360 --> 00:58:16,760
Speaker 2: and like find yourself and you're you know who you

1174
00:58:16,880 --> 00:58:20,440
Speaker 2: are away from this daughter. Yes, but there is a

1175
00:58:20,480 --> 00:58:23,160
Speaker 2: little bit left to this story. Hey guys, I know

1176
00:58:23,200 --> 00:58:26,920
Speaker 2: an update about Niobi's way overdue, and an update of

1177
00:58:27,000 --> 00:58:29,280
Speaker 2: Crazy is pending, so I'll write that up, but this

1178
00:58:29,320 --> 00:58:32,520
Speaker 2: one is fairly short. So some of you may remember,

1179
00:58:32,600 --> 00:58:35,680
Speaker 2: during Niobe's mental breakdown, she broke into my house, and

1180
00:58:35,880 --> 00:58:39,400
Speaker 2: mysteriously my makeup disappeared too, but no one ever spoke

1181
00:58:39,400 --> 00:58:42,360
Speaker 2: about it again. Well, a few weeks ago, I was

1182
00:58:42,360 --> 00:58:44,920
Speaker 2: in our old state to finalize a few things and

1183
00:58:44,960 --> 00:58:48,439
Speaker 2: attend my good friend's engagement party. Now Niobi was good

1184
00:58:48,480 --> 00:58:52,120
Speaker 2: friends with said friend's mother, but after this all kicked off,

1185
00:58:52,160 --> 00:58:54,560
Speaker 2: my friend saw what a mess I was. Her mother

1186
00:58:54,760 --> 00:58:56,920
Speaker 2: was the one who told me. Niobi was telling people

1187
00:58:56,960 --> 00:58:57,760
Speaker 2: I had an affair.

1188
00:58:58,280 --> 00:59:01,240
Speaker 3: Wow, And this is the other thing too. And when

1189
00:59:01,240 --> 00:59:03,600
Speaker 3: we're in community, so I think of this church group.

1190
00:59:03,840 --> 00:59:06,439
Speaker 3: We're in community and we want to support each other.

1191
00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:10,400
Speaker 3: But wow, don't talk about other people. Yeah, just don't.

1192
00:59:10,520 --> 00:59:12,320
Speaker 3: You don't know their business, you don't know what they're

1193
00:59:12,360 --> 00:59:15,360
Speaker 3: going through, you don't know what their marriage is. Just

1194
00:59:15,520 --> 00:59:18,280
Speaker 3: don't talk about other people. It's not it's not okay.

1195
00:59:18,680 --> 00:59:22,320
Speaker 2: Well, friend's mother was disgusted at her lies and cut

1196
00:59:22,360 --> 00:59:26,000
Speaker 2: her off. Niobi, however, still felt the need to congratulate

1197
00:59:26,040 --> 00:59:28,920
Speaker 2: my friend on her engagement and give her a basket

1198
00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:31,919
Speaker 2: of gifts. And I'm I see where this is going.

1199
00:59:32,360 --> 00:59:35,000
Speaker 2: So I asked my friend what she got. She went

1200
00:59:35,080 --> 00:59:39,280
Speaker 2: upstairs and ground the basket. You guys, everything in that

1201
00:59:39,360 --> 00:59:42,200
Speaker 2: basket was a brand new version of everything I had

1202
00:59:42,200 --> 00:59:46,520
Speaker 2: owned that Niobe had stolen, the exact foundation that went missing,

1203
00:59:46,840 --> 00:59:50,000
Speaker 2: the bronzer, the lipstick, all my shades, which is crazy

1204
00:59:50,040 --> 00:59:53,760
Speaker 2: because my friend is pale a lingerie set, hair ties,

1205
00:59:53,920 --> 00:59:57,560
Speaker 2: and perfume. To say we were creeped out is an understatement.

1206
00:59:58,000 --> 01:00:00,360
Speaker 2: I don't know, it would be really weird if I

1207
01:00:00,520 --> 01:00:04,320
Speaker 2: received a lingerie set from, you know, my mother's friend.

1208
01:00:06,080 --> 01:00:08,400
Speaker 3: There have been some mothers in law that have gifted

1209
01:00:08,480 --> 01:00:10,040
Speaker 3: lingerie to their daughters a lot.

1210
01:00:10,280 --> 01:00:10,840
Speaker 2: I'm strange.

1211
01:00:11,520 --> 01:00:15,240
Speaker 3: Everyone has their own proclivities, but there is this sense of, yeah,

1212
01:00:15,440 --> 01:00:17,600
Speaker 3: just a little iky source it out. You know, if

1213
01:00:17,600 --> 01:00:20,640
Speaker 3: you're not sure about a gift asking chicken.

1214
01:00:20,800 --> 01:00:22,360
Speaker 2: I don't know if she did it to f with

1215
01:00:22,360 --> 01:00:25,080
Speaker 2: me or what, but I'd say that's pretty danging evidence.

1216
01:00:25,440 --> 01:00:27,680
Speaker 2: You know what's funny? That is the least crazy these

1217
01:00:27,720 --> 01:00:30,360
Speaker 2: past two months have been, and you guys will soon

1218
01:00:30,400 --> 01:00:32,360
Speaker 2: be roped into the horror movie that is my life.

1219
01:00:32,720 --> 01:00:35,560
Speaker 2: But that is the end of that story. There's no

1220
01:00:35,600 --> 01:00:38,920
Speaker 2: more horror movie. For now. It seems like Ope's on

1221
01:00:39,000 --> 01:00:42,520
Speaker 2: the way to separating that life from her stepmother in

1222
01:00:42,600 --> 01:00:45,800
Speaker 2: law and getting away from all of that. But any

1223
01:00:45,840 --> 01:00:47,680
Speaker 2: any final thoughts to leave op with.

1224
01:00:48,040 --> 01:00:51,320
Speaker 3: I think, and this is even my own brain. My

1225
01:00:51,400 --> 01:00:52,880
Speaker 3: own brain does a lot of like what could I

1226
01:00:52,920 --> 01:00:55,840
Speaker 3: have done differently? I like to ruminate. I think that's

1227
01:00:55,880 --> 01:00:58,760
Speaker 3: just my my brain that does it. But it's often like, Okay,

1228
01:00:59,000 --> 01:01:02,960
Speaker 3: was there a way to intervene earlier? And hindsight's always

1229
01:01:02,960 --> 01:01:04,760
Speaker 3: twenty twenty, which is why I always tell people don't

1230
01:01:04,760 --> 01:01:08,200
Speaker 3: get stuck in going back being revisionous in history? But

1231
01:01:08,240 --> 01:01:10,959
Speaker 3: were there smaller moments along the way. Ultimately, you can't

1232
01:01:10,960 --> 01:01:14,840
Speaker 3: control someone's mental health. You did not cause this to happen. Yeah,

1233
01:01:14,880 --> 01:01:17,600
Speaker 3: it sounds like there were these like kind of unfoldings

1234
01:01:17,760 --> 01:01:20,400
Speaker 3: or cracks that were happening, and nobody was supporting her

1235
01:01:20,440 --> 01:01:21,000
Speaker 3: and seeing it.

1236
01:01:21,280 --> 01:01:23,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then when she tried to bring it up,

1237
01:01:23,600 --> 01:01:24,920
Speaker 2: father in law didn't listen.

1238
01:01:25,480 --> 01:01:29,800
Speaker 3: Right, all of these like small micro moments. And what

1239
01:01:30,000 --> 01:01:32,240
Speaker 3: really stands out for me, and I'm like, you know,

1240
01:01:32,360 --> 01:01:34,840
Speaker 3: just cheering, is that her husband was on the same

1241
01:01:34,840 --> 01:01:37,720
Speaker 3: page as her. Absolutely, and that doesn't happen all the time.

1242
01:01:37,880 --> 01:01:41,880
Speaker 2: We read so many stories where husbands do not listen

1243
01:01:41,920 --> 01:01:43,920
Speaker 2: and then it leads to like a divorce or just

1244
01:01:43,960 --> 01:01:46,600
Speaker 2: this big blow up fight. Yeah, so I'm glad that

1245
01:01:46,680 --> 01:01:48,720
Speaker 2: he was on her side. When you have a person

1246
01:01:48,840 --> 01:01:51,360
Speaker 2: this unhinged in the mix, one.

1247
01:01:51,240 --> 01:01:52,920
Speaker 3: Of the most harmful things you can do in your

1248
01:01:52,920 --> 01:01:56,000
Speaker 3: relationship is deny their experience and say that didn't happen.

1249
01:01:56,040 --> 01:01:59,200
Speaker 3: It's not important. So really being able to just sit

1250
01:01:59,240 --> 01:02:01,840
Speaker 3: besides your partner, you don't have to problem solve. One

1251
01:02:01,840 --> 01:02:03,960
Speaker 3: of the biggest things we want in relationships is to

1252
01:02:04,000 --> 01:02:06,840
Speaker 3: be seen and to be known. We can give that,

1253
01:02:07,400 --> 01:02:10,000
Speaker 3: and then I also think about the cycle of relationships

1254
01:02:10,200 --> 01:02:13,200
Speaker 3: which goes through So this is really important. Relationships are

1255
01:02:13,200 --> 01:02:16,440
Speaker 3: all about connection, disconnection, repair, and you go through this cycle,

1256
01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:19,480
Speaker 3: and when you go through this repair piece, that actually

1257
01:02:19,520 --> 01:02:23,760
Speaker 3: strengthens your relationship. Many of us didn't witness the repair.

1258
01:02:24,040 --> 01:02:27,000
Speaker 3: We only witness connection disconnection. And I ask a lot

1259
01:02:27,040 --> 01:02:29,200
Speaker 3: of my clients, well, what did you learn about emotions?

1260
01:02:29,200 --> 01:02:31,920
Speaker 3: What did you learn about coming back and saying sorry?

1261
01:02:32,280 --> 01:02:35,960
Speaker 3: Stories were forced? Parents never did it, Parents walked on eggshells,

1262
01:02:35,960 --> 01:02:37,880
Speaker 3: doors were slammed, but no one came back together. We

1263
01:02:37,880 --> 01:02:40,720
Speaker 3: didn't know and so it was never modeled. And so

1264
01:02:40,800 --> 01:02:44,240
Speaker 3: then we think, well, how do you do this? In relationships?

1265
01:02:44,360 --> 01:02:48,439
Speaker 3: Ownership is important, taking accountability and responsibility and always coming

1266
01:02:48,480 --> 01:02:50,360
Speaker 3: back and saying, you know what, I messed up there

1267
01:02:50,880 --> 01:02:53,840
Speaker 3: and that could have changed so much of what happened

1268
01:02:54,120 --> 01:02:57,680
Speaker 3: in this experience, and not on the opiece, part on

1269
01:02:57,840 --> 01:02:59,760
Speaker 3: father in law, on stepmother in.

1270
01:02:59,760 --> 01:03:02,840
Speaker 2: Law, all the other characters. Yeah, yeah, but that is

1271
01:03:02,880 --> 01:03:05,960
Speaker 2: the end of that story. And we do have some questions.

1272
01:03:06,000 --> 01:03:09,520
Speaker 2: But do you have time to ask some questions? Yes? Perfect.

1273
01:03:09,560 --> 01:03:12,280
Speaker 2: So these are from some of our lovely people in

1274
01:03:12,360 --> 01:03:14,960
Speaker 2: Chat and also just our lovely viewers.

1275
01:03:15,360 --> 01:03:17,320
Speaker 1: Hey, it's Sam. We we get back to the stories.

1276
01:03:17,320 --> 01:03:19,200
Speaker 1: But here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

1277
01:03:19,800 --> 01:03:22,800
Speaker 2: Anonymous. We don't not anonymous from Chat. This is just

1278
01:03:22,840 --> 01:03:27,280
Speaker 2: an anonymous person said, my twenty four male mother in

1279
01:03:27,360 --> 01:03:31,120
Speaker 2: law fifty three female constantly meddled in our marriage, controlling

1280
01:03:31,120 --> 01:03:35,240
Speaker 2: our finances, insisting on being involved in everything, and issuing

1281
01:03:35,320 --> 01:03:38,440
Speaker 2: ultimatums or throwing massive fits whenever we try to make

1282
01:03:38,480 --> 01:03:42,360
Speaker 2: decisions as a couple, turning our marriage into a constant battlefield.

1283
01:03:42,840 --> 01:03:46,240
Speaker 2: Because my wife, twenty five female, is severely affected by

1284
01:03:46,240 --> 01:03:49,320
Speaker 2: your mother. Question, how do I handle my mother in law?

1285
01:03:49,600 --> 01:03:52,880
Speaker 2: Should I interfere between them two or should I quietly

1286
01:03:52,920 --> 01:03:55,760
Speaker 2: coach my wife how to set boundaries with her? And

1287
01:03:55,800 --> 01:03:58,680
Speaker 2: that is the question from an anonymous user.

1288
01:03:58,800 --> 01:04:01,960
Speaker 3: The first thought is if you interfere, how is that

1289
01:04:02,000 --> 01:04:05,040
Speaker 3: going to affect your marriage? There's almost three things here.

1290
01:04:05,120 --> 01:04:07,840
Speaker 3: What am I doing as husband? So what do I

1291
01:04:07,840 --> 01:04:09,360
Speaker 3: want to do? What are my boundaries? What am I

1292
01:04:09,400 --> 01:04:12,360
Speaker 3: willing to engage with or not with my mother in law?

1293
01:04:12,800 --> 01:04:15,120
Speaker 3: And then what am I doing to support my wife

1294
01:04:15,160 --> 01:04:17,480
Speaker 3: and her And this is where the book you your

1295
01:04:17,520 --> 01:04:20,640
Speaker 3: husband and his mother, or you your husband and her mother,

1296
01:04:20,920 --> 01:04:24,320
Speaker 3: whatever it is, it's there's a triangle. And the triangle

1297
01:04:24,520 --> 01:04:29,480
Speaker 3: exists when two people are experiencing conflict and we bring

1298
01:04:29,480 --> 01:04:32,400
Speaker 3: in a third to alleviate that conflict. So in this situation,

1299
01:04:33,080 --> 01:04:35,840
Speaker 3: wife and her mom are having conflicts. So he's kind

1300
01:04:35,880 --> 01:04:38,600
Speaker 3: of like, do I insert myself? And that can make

1301
01:04:38,640 --> 01:04:42,280
Speaker 3: it more conflictual in all those relationships, right.

1302
01:04:42,320 --> 01:04:44,120
Speaker 2: I think there's also kind of like really quick way

1303
01:04:44,200 --> 01:04:46,680
Speaker 2: I think sometimes. I mean, at least when people critique

1304
01:04:46,720 --> 01:04:50,160
Speaker 2: my mom, I'm like, hey, it's my mom, kids, I

1305
01:04:50,160 --> 01:04:51,040
Speaker 2: can critique.

1306
01:04:50,680 --> 01:04:55,040
Speaker 3: Her love that you just shared that, because people then

1307
01:04:55,400 --> 01:04:59,440
Speaker 3: naturally get defensive of their own memories and histories and parents.

1308
01:04:59,520 --> 01:05:02,120
Speaker 3: And so if he's going to go in, she's going

1309
01:05:02,200 --> 01:05:05,080
Speaker 3: to get defensive instead. Of and I think of it,

1310
01:05:05,080 --> 01:05:08,080
Speaker 3: it's like, okay, top down as I'm interfering, bottom up

1311
01:05:08,160 --> 01:05:10,960
Speaker 3: in a relationship is being able to say, how do

1312
01:05:11,000 --> 01:05:13,560
Speaker 3: you feel when your mom does that? You know, I

1313
01:05:13,640 --> 01:05:16,480
Speaker 3: noticed that your mom did blah blah, Like what thoughts

1314
01:05:16,520 --> 01:05:18,760
Speaker 3: do you have after? Like, oh, you told me that

1315
01:05:18,800 --> 01:05:21,160
Speaker 3: you weren't going to initially do that, and then you did,

1316
01:05:21,320 --> 01:05:23,560
Speaker 3: Like just help me, like walk me through how you

1317
01:05:23,560 --> 01:05:25,760
Speaker 3: decide them that would be one piece, so bottom up,

1318
01:05:26,200 --> 01:05:28,400
Speaker 3: and then what are they doing as a couple? So first,

1319
01:05:28,520 --> 01:05:31,480
Speaker 3: how are they protecting their finances? How are they protecting

1320
01:05:31,520 --> 01:05:34,400
Speaker 3: their piece? How are they then also engaging in things

1321
01:05:34,400 --> 01:05:37,919
Speaker 3: that bring each other joy? Because if he can say

1322
01:05:37,920 --> 01:05:40,080
Speaker 3: to his wife, hey, let's go have joy over here

1323
01:05:40,200 --> 01:05:44,240
Speaker 3: and with other healthy people, she'll start seeing how much

1324
01:05:44,320 --> 01:05:47,920
Speaker 3: weight and how much energy her mother costs her and

1325
01:05:47,960 --> 01:05:49,920
Speaker 3: then she can start making that decision.

1326
01:05:50,120 --> 01:05:52,280
Speaker 2: Mm hmm, yeah, I think it's I think to answer

1327
01:05:52,280 --> 01:05:56,080
Speaker 2: that question, it seems like you're saying the not necessarily coaching,

1328
01:05:56,120 --> 01:05:59,280
Speaker 2: but it's it's like the top down of the bottom up,

1329
01:05:59,280 --> 01:06:02,120
Speaker 2: sorry not top bottom up of being uplifting her and

1330
01:06:02,160 --> 01:06:03,640
Speaker 2: supporting her as she makes.

1331
01:06:03,440 --> 01:06:07,760
Speaker 3: Those but then for him, yeah, find your boundaries, So

1332
01:06:07,840 --> 01:06:11,760
Speaker 3: don't engage in those manipulative conversations. Nip those in the

1333
01:06:11,760 --> 01:06:12,640
Speaker 3: bud that kind of thing.

1334
01:06:12,800 --> 01:06:17,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, Question two from another anonymous user. My twenty three

1335
01:06:17,200 --> 01:06:21,960
Speaker 2: female mom is super financially reckless, always overspending, racking up debt,

1336
01:06:22,200 --> 01:06:25,040
Speaker 2: and gambling instead of budgeting. And now she keeps guilt

1337
01:06:25,040 --> 01:06:28,920
Speaker 2: tripping me for money, who's asking for loans multiple times,

1338
01:06:29,040 --> 01:06:31,520
Speaker 2: even try to get one under my name while lying

1339
01:06:31,520 --> 01:06:34,400
Speaker 2: about it. And I've already been giving her basically all

1340
01:06:34,400 --> 01:06:37,200
Speaker 2: my money just to keep the apartment running. I'm stuck

1341
01:06:37,280 --> 01:06:40,280
Speaker 2: worrying she'll keep taking advantage of me, guilt tripping me

1342
01:06:40,360 --> 01:06:42,560
Speaker 2: and taking my money. I can't move out for a

1343
01:06:42,560 --> 01:06:45,000
Speaker 2: few more years, and I've been planning to eventually get

1344
01:06:45,000 --> 01:06:48,360
Speaker 2: as far away from her as possible and cut contact completely.

1345
01:06:48,880 --> 01:06:50,920
Speaker 2: What can I realistically do for now.

1346
01:06:51,160 --> 01:06:55,919
Speaker 3: This financial abuse? Yeah, that's so so wrong. We as

1347
01:06:56,040 --> 01:06:59,240
Speaker 3: children look to our parents, and this is throughout the

1348
01:06:59,280 --> 01:07:04,640
Speaker 3: lifespan to support us, to not take advantage of us.

1349
01:07:05,200 --> 01:07:07,680
Speaker 3: I even think of some of my twenty three year

1350
01:07:07,720 --> 01:07:10,960
Speaker 3: old clients, or even my thirty eight year olds or

1351
01:07:11,160 --> 01:07:15,680
Speaker 3: forty six year olds where their parents go to them

1352
01:07:15,720 --> 01:07:18,560
Speaker 3: and talk about their weight issues. Or their money issues

1353
01:07:18,640 --> 01:07:21,720
Speaker 3: or their marital issues. Again, top down, we don't want

1354
01:07:21,760 --> 01:07:24,040
Speaker 3: to do that. And so then for her this is

1355
01:07:24,080 --> 01:07:27,800
Speaker 3: going to be I mean, my first thought is roommate situation,

1356
01:07:28,000 --> 01:07:30,360
Speaker 3: Like if your mother's taking your money, then can you

1357
01:07:30,440 --> 01:07:33,440
Speaker 3: not go find two other people to live with and

1358
01:07:33,520 --> 01:07:37,160
Speaker 3: split cost? Financial supports could maybe be an option as well,

1359
01:07:37,160 --> 01:07:40,600
Speaker 3: but someone taking out loans in your name is not okay.

1360
01:07:41,520 --> 01:07:44,760
Speaker 3: And then now what are the boundaries? So every time

1361
01:07:44,800 --> 01:07:46,560
Speaker 3: your mother tries to guilt trip you or go down

1362
01:07:46,640 --> 01:07:49,760
Speaker 3: that road, you're going to leave the home. You're gonna say, okay,

1363
01:07:49,800 --> 01:07:52,400
Speaker 3: I have to go. Got time for me to do

1364
01:07:52,480 --> 01:07:54,400
Speaker 3: whatever it is, and just not engage in that.

1365
01:07:54,800 --> 01:07:55,240
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1366
01:07:55,480 --> 01:07:58,880
Speaker 3: Oh, that's a tricky power. It's that like stuckness, right,

1367
01:07:58,960 --> 01:08:01,520
Speaker 3: Like I feel like I'm so stuck here, and sometimes

1368
01:08:01,560 --> 01:08:04,520
Speaker 3: we have to acknowledge that you're being stuck. But then

1369
01:08:04,560 --> 01:08:07,400
Speaker 3: also how do you then find what you could do differently?

1370
01:08:07,720 --> 01:08:09,760
Speaker 3: Do you really have to give her all the money?

1371
01:08:10,080 --> 01:08:12,360
Speaker 2: Can you go all just guilting you into feeling like that?

1372
01:08:12,440 --> 01:08:15,479
Speaker 3: Right? And can you hide it in some other way?

1373
01:08:15,560 --> 01:08:17,680
Speaker 3: Can you not tell her how much your paycheck was?

1374
01:08:18,240 --> 01:08:20,120
Speaker 3: Can you tell her you didn't get a paycheck this week,

1375
01:08:20,160 --> 01:08:21,559
Speaker 3: and they promised you whatever it is, and so that

1376
01:08:21,560 --> 01:08:24,200
Speaker 3: you're packing that money away. So again going to yourself.

1377
01:08:24,200 --> 01:08:27,080
Speaker 3: What's your own agency? How can you do things differently?

1378
01:08:27,760 --> 01:08:32,320
Speaker 2: Greed answer. Another anonymous man says, just by setting limitations.

1379
01:08:32,360 --> 01:08:35,559
Speaker 2: My husband has adopted the same mindset. Now, I've always

1380
01:08:35,600 --> 01:08:38,679
Speaker 2: loved a clean house, enjoyed cooking, and didn't mind saving money.

1381
01:08:39,000 --> 01:08:41,599
Speaker 2: But to the extent they do it, it's crazy. He's

1382
01:08:41,640 --> 01:08:44,320
Speaker 2: trying to do better with laundry, cleaning, and chores, but

1383
01:08:44,360 --> 01:08:46,599
Speaker 2: you can tell he isn't as happy unless the house

1384
01:08:46,640 --> 01:08:49,639
Speaker 2: is spotless. He's an only child and his mom stayed

1385
01:08:49,640 --> 01:08:51,720
Speaker 2: at home and didn't work while he was growing up,

1386
01:08:52,080 --> 01:08:55,120
Speaker 2: which is perfectly fine. She just believes anyone who doesn't

1387
01:08:55,120 --> 01:08:58,799
Speaker 2: clean like she does is lazy. Her definition of clean

1388
01:08:58,880 --> 01:09:03,000
Speaker 2: includes scrubbing base boards, windows, and showers every week, whether

1389
01:09:03,040 --> 01:09:04,799
Speaker 2: they were used or not. It's wild.

1390
01:09:05,000 --> 01:09:05,760
Speaker 3: Can I share something?

1391
01:09:05,880 --> 01:09:06,320
Speaker 2: Yeah?

1392
01:09:06,520 --> 01:09:09,680
Speaker 3: I remember being how old was I? I think I

1393
01:09:09,720 --> 01:09:12,360
Speaker 3: was twenty seven. I was sitting across from my therapist

1394
01:09:12,640 --> 01:09:16,519
Speaker 3: and I had said, well, my now husband, my boyfriend

1395
01:09:16,520 --> 01:09:18,160
Speaker 3: doesn't turn the lights off when I leave the room.

1396
01:09:18,240 --> 01:09:18,479
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1397
01:09:18,520 --> 01:09:20,120
Speaker 3: She's like, okay, Well tell me about that. And I

1398
01:09:20,120 --> 01:09:23,240
Speaker 3: had said, well, you know, growing up, the lights were

1399
01:09:23,240 --> 01:09:25,200
Speaker 3: the thing, Like if you didn't turn lights off, it

1400
01:09:25,240 --> 01:09:28,280
Speaker 3: was like, Tracy, come turn lights off, right, it's the thing.

1401
01:09:28,640 --> 01:09:31,640
Speaker 3: And she's like, what if you just didn't do that?

1402
01:09:32,120 --> 01:09:34,519
Speaker 3: What if you didn't repeat it? And it always stuck

1403
01:09:34,560 --> 01:09:37,840
Speaker 3: with me because again, you're bringing two systems together, him

1404
01:09:37,920 --> 01:09:40,759
Speaker 3: and hers, they're coming together. What if you just don't.

1405
01:09:41,000 --> 01:09:43,000
Speaker 3: You don't have to repeat those things. Just because that

1406
01:09:43,080 --> 01:09:45,160
Speaker 3: worked for your family doesn't mean it now works for

1407
01:09:45,240 --> 01:09:47,880
Speaker 3: both of you. And when one person comes in saying

1408
01:09:47,920 --> 01:09:50,520
Speaker 3: it has to be this way, that's not a relationship,

1409
01:09:50,520 --> 01:09:53,360
Speaker 3: that's not co creation, it's a good point. I leave

1410
01:09:53,360 --> 01:09:54,320
Speaker 3: all the lights on now.

1411
01:09:55,840 --> 01:09:58,800
Speaker 2: I'm over it now. His dad relied on his mom

1412
01:09:58,840 --> 01:10:01,080
Speaker 2: to do all of these things. He worked his job

1413
01:10:01,120 --> 01:10:03,040
Speaker 2: and she was expected to take care of the rest.

1414
01:10:03,360 --> 01:10:06,479
Speaker 2: This arrangement is fine, and I also like a clean house.

1415
01:10:06,920 --> 01:10:09,519
Speaker 2: But once we add a special needs daughter, which required

1416
01:10:09,560 --> 01:10:11,479
Speaker 2: me to stay home and give up my career to

1417
01:10:11,520 --> 01:10:14,360
Speaker 2: provide the care she needs, my husband thinks I should

1418
01:10:14,439 --> 01:10:17,320
Speaker 2: continue doing the same as his mom did, which is

1419
01:10:17,320 --> 01:10:20,479
Speaker 2: pretty unfair because your mom didn't have to take care

1420
01:10:20,520 --> 01:10:22,400
Speaker 2: of a special needs daughter, and so you have an

1421
01:10:22,560 --> 01:10:24,560
Speaker 2: entirely different set of responsibilities.

1422
01:10:24,800 --> 01:10:28,040
Speaker 3: Their expectations changed, and, as it does in life, you

1423
01:10:28,120 --> 01:10:31,160
Speaker 3: choose a partner, something changes along the way. Someone loses

1424
01:10:31,160 --> 01:10:33,679
Speaker 3: a job, a parent gets sick. You have to ebb

1425
01:10:33,720 --> 01:10:35,879
Speaker 3: and flow. You can't stay the same all the time, exactly.

1426
01:10:36,120 --> 01:10:39,400
Speaker 2: My daughter, who is fifteen, has prater Willie syndrome, expressed

1427
01:10:39,400 --> 01:10:42,240
Speaker 2: her concerns last week to my mother in law about

1428
01:10:42,280 --> 01:10:44,960
Speaker 2: how controlling her dad is and how she doesn't feel

1429
01:10:45,000 --> 01:10:46,920
Speaker 2: love or support from her as a mother in law.

1430
01:10:47,240 --> 01:10:49,920
Speaker 2: She pointed out that in twenty five years, my mother

1431
01:10:49,960 --> 01:10:52,719
Speaker 2: in law has never responded to her when she's expressed

1432
01:10:52,760 --> 01:10:57,320
Speaker 2: love or even initiated contact herself. All discussions seem to

1433
01:10:57,360 --> 01:10:59,920
Speaker 2: revolve around my mother in law, her son, and my daughter.

1434
01:11:00,520 --> 01:11:03,240
Speaker 2: My husband took his mother's side. She got upset with

1435
01:11:03,240 --> 01:11:05,120
Speaker 2: my daughter and told her that I can just lave

1436
01:11:05,160 --> 01:11:08,080
Speaker 2: if I'm not happy. Since then, she still hasn't spoken

1437
01:11:08,120 --> 01:11:11,360
Speaker 2: to my daughter because she thinks she should apologize. My

1438
01:11:11,439 --> 01:11:14,679
Speaker 2: husband has only pitied his mom. Oh, so your daughter

1439
01:11:14,800 --> 01:11:17,479
Speaker 2: has gone to your mother in law and said that

1440
01:11:17,520 --> 01:11:19,080
Speaker 2: she's noticed how she's treating you.

1441
01:11:20,080 --> 01:11:23,360
Speaker 3: Wow, that's complex. There's a lot of talking to others

1442
01:11:23,760 --> 01:11:24,719
Speaker 3: in this scenario.

1443
01:11:24,960 --> 01:11:25,719
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's tricky.

1444
01:11:25,880 --> 01:11:27,120
Speaker 3: There's a lot of triangles.

1445
01:11:27,439 --> 01:11:27,639
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1446
01:11:27,640 --> 01:11:29,000
Speaker 3: I encourage people.

1447
01:11:29,040 --> 01:11:30,280
Speaker 2: To just speak directly.

1448
01:11:30,840 --> 01:11:34,680
Speaker 3: Yeah. But also for those watching listening, think of the

1449
01:11:34,720 --> 01:11:37,080
Speaker 3: triangles in your life when you choose to go to

1450
01:11:37,160 --> 01:11:40,519
Speaker 3: one person, but really you should go to somebody else. Yeah,

1451
01:11:40,560 --> 01:11:43,400
Speaker 3: And that's all about discomfort. I think what I'm seeing

1452
01:11:43,400 --> 01:11:46,280
Speaker 3: here is maybe kind of this. And again I can't diagnose.

1453
01:11:46,320 --> 01:11:49,960
Speaker 3: I'm not sitting with people. This is just kind of speculations.

1454
01:11:50,200 --> 01:11:53,320
Speaker 3: There's almost this low emotional intelligence with the mother in

1455
01:11:53,400 --> 01:11:56,599
Speaker 3: law and maybe with her husband, who can't see that

1456
01:11:57,080 --> 01:12:00,360
Speaker 3: this is not the daughter's job to do this. Oh, also,

1457
01:12:00,840 --> 01:12:04,679
Speaker 3: a family has to come together. But then I wonder

1458
01:12:04,760 --> 01:12:08,479
Speaker 3: how does mom and daughter now protect their energy. You're

1459
01:12:08,520 --> 01:12:10,919
Speaker 3: not going to change husband, You're not going to change

1460
01:12:10,960 --> 01:12:13,599
Speaker 3: mother in law. Yeah. And a lot of women, I think,

1461
01:12:13,600 --> 01:12:15,360
Speaker 3: come to this point they say, am I going to

1462
01:12:15,360 --> 01:12:16,680
Speaker 3: be the good wife? Or am I going to be

1463
01:12:16,720 --> 01:12:19,800
Speaker 3: the good mom? And in the seventies many women said

1464
01:12:19,840 --> 01:12:22,120
Speaker 3: I'm going to be the good wife. Yeah, But today

1465
01:12:22,160 --> 01:12:24,200
Speaker 3: we're saying I want to be the good mom. And

1466
01:12:24,240 --> 01:12:27,280
Speaker 3: so how does she then say to her husband, yeah,

1467
01:12:27,439 --> 01:12:29,519
Speaker 3: I'm not going to keep up the standard of the

1468
01:12:29,520 --> 01:12:32,360
Speaker 3: house and if you would like to do that, then

1469
01:12:32,520 --> 01:12:34,760
Speaker 3: maybe we need to outsource something. But I can't do that.

1470
01:12:35,120 --> 01:12:37,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think it models to your daughter how

1471
01:12:38,000 --> 01:12:39,240
Speaker 2: to stand up for yourself.

1472
01:12:39,400 --> 01:12:41,400
Speaker 3: Absolutely, and that's so important.

1473
01:12:41,479 --> 01:12:43,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, because right now she's seeing she comes to her

1474
01:12:43,720 --> 01:12:46,800
Speaker 2: father says I've noticed this. He dismisses her, but at

1475
01:12:46,880 --> 01:12:49,200
Speaker 2: least you have you coming and saying like, no, I'm

1476
01:12:49,200 --> 01:12:51,280
Speaker 2: not going to accept that behavior, yes, which I think

1477
01:12:51,360 --> 01:12:51,920
Speaker 2: is a big deal.

1478
01:12:52,080 --> 01:12:55,120
Speaker 3: And then mom's saying to daughter, Hey, you know, I

1479
01:12:55,520 --> 01:12:58,280
Speaker 3: know you're coming from a good place, but you don't

1480
01:12:58,320 --> 01:13:02,360
Speaker 3: have to worry about me with that. Yeah, And for

1481
01:13:02,439 --> 01:13:05,280
Speaker 3: her then to say to daughter, let's focus on us

1482
01:13:05,360 --> 01:13:08,400
Speaker 3: and what we can control, and I'll do my work

1483
01:13:08,439 --> 01:13:11,920
Speaker 3: with your grandmother and then you just focus on whatever,

1484
01:13:12,000 --> 01:13:14,640
Speaker 3: like good stuff comes with your grandma, whatever that looks like.

1485
01:13:14,840 --> 01:13:17,719
Speaker 3: And I think you said she was fifteen, but yeah,

1486
01:13:17,760 --> 01:13:20,960
Speaker 3: at that part, she might say, I don't feel good

1487
01:13:21,000 --> 01:13:22,760
Speaker 3: hanging out with grandma anymore.

1488
01:13:22,520 --> 01:13:25,560
Speaker 2: Any like a separation of yeah, or distancing.

1489
01:13:25,920 --> 01:13:30,400
Speaker 3: There's another triangle with father mother daughter. Yes, And so

1490
01:13:30,439 --> 01:13:33,360
Speaker 3: then daughter and father have to work through what they're doing.

1491
01:13:34,000 --> 01:13:36,240
Speaker 3: Mom and dad have to do their own stuff.

1492
01:13:35,960 --> 01:13:38,880
Speaker 2: Outside of that and not yeah, put that on your

1493
01:13:38,920 --> 01:13:42,519
Speaker 2: daughter some extra questions. What makes setting boundaries with the

1494
01:13:42,560 --> 01:13:45,719
Speaker 2: mother in law so hard? It's just general questions.

1495
01:13:46,000 --> 01:13:47,679
Speaker 3: Oh my goodness, there's a little bit of a power

1496
01:13:47,760 --> 01:13:50,000
Speaker 3: dynamic in here. Sure, And so I think if we

1497
01:13:50,040 --> 01:13:52,519
Speaker 3: think of even it from daughter in law perspective, then

1498
01:13:52,520 --> 01:13:55,120
Speaker 3: from son, so son with his own mom, so from

1499
01:13:55,120 --> 01:13:58,320
Speaker 3: the daughter in law perspective. Many women want to be seen.

1500
01:13:58,400 --> 01:14:01,880
Speaker 3: We think of Brene Brown's three p's. We perfect perform please,

1501
01:14:02,280 --> 01:14:05,240
Speaker 3: we want to be good, we want to be liked.

1502
01:14:05,280 --> 01:14:07,760
Speaker 3: We go into this family saying like me, accept me,

1503
01:14:07,880 --> 01:14:10,439
Speaker 3: bring me in. I want to have this family. And

1504
01:14:10,560 --> 01:14:14,640
Speaker 3: right there is the power differential, and that's hard to

1505
01:14:14,720 --> 01:14:18,000
Speaker 3: do if you are still growing. Some people have shared

1506
01:14:18,040 --> 01:14:20,519
Speaker 3: with me they've joined their in law family at fifteen,

1507
01:14:21,200 --> 01:14:23,200
Speaker 3: and we're always viewed as an outsider or like a

1508
01:14:23,280 --> 01:14:26,360
Speaker 3: child and not respective. Yeah, or people who join at

1509
01:14:26,400 --> 01:14:30,280
Speaker 3: thirty seven, for example, And then right there it's like

1510
01:14:30,280 --> 01:14:33,840
Speaker 3: you're two adults and all along you're trying to learn

1511
01:14:33,880 --> 01:14:36,479
Speaker 3: what your boundaries are, and sometimes those don't become clear

1512
01:14:36,560 --> 01:14:39,920
Speaker 3: until certain events in life. Yeah, I often think of

1513
01:14:39,960 --> 01:14:44,840
Speaker 3: adulthood as starting at twenty seven to thirty because your brain,

1514
01:14:45,680 --> 01:14:49,439
Speaker 3: your brain is growing, and that front of your brain

1515
01:14:49,520 --> 01:14:52,240
Speaker 3: that is really able to slow things down and say, Okay,

1516
01:14:52,280 --> 01:14:55,160
Speaker 3: what's happening for me, what's happening for you? How do

1517
01:14:55,200 --> 01:14:57,679
Speaker 3: I want to communicate this? That doesn't come, It doesn't

1518
01:14:57,680 --> 01:15:01,160
Speaker 3: completely finish until twenty two, twenty three, twenty four. Yeah,

1519
01:15:01,240 --> 01:15:03,920
Speaker 3: So it's hard to set boundaries when you're younger, you know.

1520
01:15:03,920 --> 01:15:07,040
Speaker 3: I think at that first, the first short question we had,

1521
01:15:07,400 --> 01:15:10,760
Speaker 3: they're twenty four to twenty five, So that's tough. And

1522
01:15:10,800 --> 01:15:13,080
Speaker 3: then I think of the sun. I'm going to make

1523
01:15:13,080 --> 01:15:16,840
Speaker 3: a really broad statement here from my clinical experience, is

1524
01:15:16,880 --> 01:15:20,479
Speaker 3: that men are more likely to be avoidant. Yeah, and

1525
01:15:20,520 --> 01:15:23,720
Speaker 3: they are more likely to shut emotions down and to

1526
01:15:23,840 --> 01:15:27,960
Speaker 3: avoid into compartmentalize. And so because of the early social

1527
01:15:28,040 --> 01:15:31,360
Speaker 3: development of that, they struggle to set boundaries with mom.

1528
01:15:31,640 --> 01:15:35,280
Speaker 3: And then incomes the partner and they get married, maybe

1529
01:15:35,320 --> 01:15:37,880
Speaker 3: they have a baby, and partner saying you have to

1530
01:15:37,880 --> 01:15:41,080
Speaker 3: set a boundary with your mom and he's never done

1531
01:15:41,080 --> 01:15:44,960
Speaker 3: it before. Yeah, And then what we all choose, and

1532
01:15:45,040 --> 01:15:47,280
Speaker 3: I love this, We all choose the path of least

1533
01:15:47,360 --> 01:15:51,120
Speaker 3: resistance because we don't want to be uncomfortable, and so

1534
01:15:51,240 --> 01:15:53,880
Speaker 3: we say to our partners, it's not that bad. Yeah,

1535
01:15:54,560 --> 01:15:57,800
Speaker 3: fin It's mom will go always like that. We'll go

1536
01:15:57,960 --> 01:15:59,639
Speaker 3: for an hour and then we'll leave, and then we'll

1537
01:15:59,680 --> 01:16:03,280
Speaker 3: go and have fun and play. But it's not because

1538
01:16:03,320 --> 01:16:06,840
Speaker 3: those early patterns are laying the stone, yes, and you

1539
01:16:06,920 --> 01:16:08,200
Speaker 3: want to interrupt them early on.

1540
01:16:08,760 --> 01:16:11,400
Speaker 2: And we have another question, what is the first warning

1541
01:16:11,479 --> 01:16:13,160
Speaker 2: sign when a mother in law has crossed the line?

1542
01:16:13,200 --> 01:16:15,280
Speaker 2: Which you kind of said, those are the first, you know.

1543
01:16:15,520 --> 01:16:19,240
Speaker 3: Patterns that you see. Also two when you express something

1544
01:16:19,479 --> 01:16:23,880
Speaker 3: and they keep doing it. Yeah, that's painful. Absolutely. Another

1545
01:16:23,960 --> 01:16:26,599
Speaker 3: one might be kind of more of a process experience,

1546
01:16:26,640 --> 01:16:29,640
Speaker 3: which would be you're with them, you leave, check in

1547
01:16:29,760 --> 01:16:31,640
Speaker 3: with yourself and I'm doing I do this a lot

1548
01:16:31,680 --> 01:16:33,679
Speaker 3: because I'm pointing to my God. I'm not in my head,

1549
01:16:33,720 --> 01:16:36,519
Speaker 3: I'm pointing into my body. How does this feel after

1550
01:16:36,640 --> 01:16:39,720
Speaker 3: you leave? Yeah, the first question we worked through, she

1551
01:16:39,800 --> 01:16:43,240
Speaker 3: had said she felt like sick in her stomach before

1552
01:16:43,320 --> 01:16:47,240
Speaker 3: having that hard conversation. Your body carries so much knowledge,

1553
01:16:47,840 --> 01:16:50,360
Speaker 3: and so when you leave an event and something feels icky,

1554
01:16:50,479 --> 01:16:53,639
Speaker 3: it's a good sign that maybe a boundary has been crossed. Also,

1555
01:16:54,160 --> 01:16:59,320
Speaker 3: the very sneaky sign is resentment, when you start to

1556
01:16:59,360 --> 01:17:03,000
Speaker 3: feel resented. It probably means that you have let your

1557
01:17:03,040 --> 01:17:06,000
Speaker 3: boundaries go and you've been saying yes more than saying no.

1558
01:17:06,360 --> 01:17:10,160
Speaker 2: Absolutely. Another question, what's the most common mistake most couples

1559
01:17:10,240 --> 01:17:11,120
Speaker 2: make with their in laws.

1560
01:17:12,000 --> 01:17:15,559
Speaker 3: I posted it real recently and it was about splitting,

1561
01:17:16,160 --> 01:17:18,240
Speaker 3: and I had my husband act out all these lines.

1562
01:17:18,360 --> 01:17:21,479
Speaker 3: My husband's just fantastic in my community, see, and he's like,

1563
01:17:21,640 --> 01:17:23,840
Speaker 3: don't post it. I just sound awful. It's not good.

1564
01:17:23,880 --> 01:17:26,920
Speaker 3: I'm like terrible, Like we need the things to be seen.

1565
01:17:27,280 --> 01:17:30,640
Speaker 3: So it's the splitting where you go. He goes to

1566
01:17:30,760 --> 01:17:32,760
Speaker 3: his mom and will be like, Tracy doesn't want to

1567
01:17:32,800 --> 01:17:37,960
Speaker 3: come for dinner. Tracy's feeding the baby, so you can't

1568
01:17:38,040 --> 01:17:38,240
Speaker 3: do it.

1569
01:17:38,479 --> 01:17:38,679
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1570
01:17:39,160 --> 01:17:41,760
Speaker 3: One scene he's like, Mom, Tracy says, don't give the

1571
01:17:41,880 --> 01:17:42,559
Speaker 3: kids candy.

1572
01:17:42,880 --> 01:17:44,880
Speaker 2: Yeah. It's like when you have a friend over when

1573
01:17:44,920 --> 01:17:47,479
Speaker 2: you're a kid and you're like, oh, they're hungry. They

1574
01:17:47,520 --> 01:17:48,719
Speaker 2: said they were hungry mom.

1575
01:17:49,520 --> 01:17:52,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's the I'm making you the bad guy. And

1576
01:17:53,000 --> 01:17:55,599
Speaker 3: there's you know, it's so interesting when I think of like, ooh,

1577
01:17:55,720 --> 01:17:57,200
Speaker 3: is that a red flag? Should you get out of

1578
01:17:57,240 --> 01:18:00,160
Speaker 3: that relationship? No, because if you can go to them

1579
01:18:00,200 --> 01:18:03,080
Speaker 3: and say, hey, I'm not sure you're aware of this, Yes,

1580
01:18:03,479 --> 01:18:06,160
Speaker 3: but this is what's happening, and that's going to lead

1581
01:18:06,200 --> 01:18:07,960
Speaker 3: your mom to think that I don't want to be

1582
01:18:08,160 --> 01:18:12,720
Speaker 3: here and we need to be this united front with family. Yeah. Yeah,

1583
01:18:12,760 --> 01:18:13,280
Speaker 3: that's a big one.

1584
01:18:13,800 --> 01:18:16,200
Speaker 2: And find a question what does a healthy in law

1585
01:18:16,280 --> 01:18:17,800
Speaker 2: relationship actually look like?

1586
01:18:18,160 --> 01:18:18,800
Speaker 3: Oh, that's big.

1587
01:18:19,080 --> 01:18:22,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I'm sure there's many different forms of a

1588
01:18:22,400 --> 01:18:23,240
Speaker 2: healthy relationship.

1589
01:18:23,560 --> 01:18:30,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's this level of emotional intelligence and self awareness, kindness, respect, care,

1590
01:18:31,360 --> 01:18:33,680
Speaker 3: and I think about a few kind of things. So

1591
01:18:34,439 --> 01:18:37,760
Speaker 3: the willingness to communicate and work through hard things. I

1592
01:18:37,800 --> 01:18:41,120
Speaker 3: think we need to understand that all families have bumps

1593
01:18:41,160 --> 01:18:44,120
Speaker 3: along the way, but that you can come and repair things,

1594
01:18:44,280 --> 01:18:45,320
Speaker 3: you can come back together.

1595
01:18:45,800 --> 01:18:48,719
Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's not always going to be broken.

1596
01:18:49,240 --> 01:18:51,400
Speaker 3: And that I think is really difficult because I think

1597
01:18:51,439 --> 01:18:54,880
Speaker 3: sometimes today we just want relationships to feel easy rather

1598
01:18:55,000 --> 01:18:57,800
Speaker 3: than hard. We learn a lot from the bumps, and

1599
01:18:57,840 --> 01:18:59,920
Speaker 3: we come back together, we come apart, we come back together.

1600
01:19:00,600 --> 01:19:03,560
Speaker 3: And then there's this element of also not personalizing it.

1601
01:19:03,720 --> 01:19:05,400
Speaker 3: So we talked about that with the first one is

1602
01:19:05,439 --> 01:19:07,640
Speaker 3: like really, like, you know, this is not about me.

1603
01:19:08,080 --> 01:19:10,800
Speaker 3: This is what they're doing and it's different from me,

1604
01:19:10,920 --> 01:19:14,680
Speaker 3: and maybe I don't understand it, but I'm gonna respect it.

1605
01:19:14,920 --> 01:19:18,000
Speaker 3: So not personalizing it and then also being really curious

1606
01:19:18,479 --> 01:19:21,679
Speaker 3: you think about relationships, Curiosity goes such a long way. Yeah,

1607
01:19:21,880 --> 01:19:25,320
Speaker 3: asking questions, taking a genuine interest in your daughter in

1608
01:19:25,400 --> 01:19:28,719
Speaker 3: law when baby is born. I know grandparents are excited,

1609
01:19:29,600 --> 01:19:33,040
Speaker 3: and you go right to daughter in law first and

1610
01:19:33,200 --> 01:19:36,160
Speaker 3: you see her and you make sure she's always seen

1611
01:19:36,760 --> 01:19:37,680
Speaker 3: in that relationship.

1612
01:19:37,800 --> 01:19:39,560
Speaker 2: Yeah. Especially, I feel like we read a lot of

1613
01:19:39,600 --> 01:19:42,840
Speaker 2: stories where we have a mother in the delivery room

1614
01:19:43,080 --> 01:19:45,920
Speaker 2: and the second she's given birth, everyone's spawning over the baby,

1615
01:19:45,920 --> 01:19:48,920
Speaker 2: and it's like, well, this person just gave birth, and

1616
01:19:49,400 --> 01:19:52,400
Speaker 2: you know is an incredibly sensitive state.

1617
01:19:52,479 --> 01:19:55,439
Speaker 3: Or you know, everybody comes to see baby. Yeah, and

1618
01:19:55,680 --> 01:19:58,519
Speaker 3: who holds mom? M hm, who's holding the mother? Yeah?

1619
01:19:58,600 --> 01:19:58,960
Speaker 3: M hmm.

1620
01:19:59,120 --> 01:19:59,640
Speaker 2: Absolutely.

1621
01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:04,679
Speaker 3: Those are all very great answers. Lovely, thank you again.

1622
01:20:04,680 --> 01:20:07,559
Speaker 2: I've seen everyone in the chat being very excited about

1623
01:20:07,640 --> 01:20:09,200
Speaker 2: you being here and thankful.

1624
01:20:09,280 --> 01:20:09,759
Speaker 3: Yesful.

1625
01:20:09,920 --> 01:20:11,639
Speaker 4: It looks like we have one question from the chat

1626
01:20:11,840 --> 01:20:12,920
Speaker 4: from Chelsea Beck with.

1627
01:20:13,400 --> 01:20:15,840
Speaker 2: Chelsea beckw asks how do you deal with finding out

1628
01:20:15,880 --> 01:20:18,760
Speaker 2: your mother in law has been secretly crossing boundaries and

1629
01:20:18,840 --> 01:20:22,200
Speaker 2: making others turn against you without you knowing then turns

1630
01:20:22,240 --> 01:20:24,400
Speaker 2: into the victim after getting called out.

1631
01:20:25,000 --> 01:20:27,840
Speaker 3: So Chelsea has already called her out then, which means

1632
01:20:27,920 --> 01:20:30,240
Speaker 3: that if you have a victim mother in law type

1633
01:20:30,320 --> 01:20:32,479
Speaker 3: I go through the six types in my book. You

1634
01:20:32,600 --> 01:20:34,760
Speaker 3: get to find out who yours is, not to diagnose,

1635
01:20:35,040 --> 01:20:37,800
Speaker 3: but to be curious about their pattern of behavior, because

1636
01:20:37,880 --> 01:20:40,160
Speaker 3: then you get to choose what you're going to do next.

1637
01:20:40,439 --> 01:20:43,439
Speaker 3: And going to her calling her out, she's going to

1638
01:20:43,560 --> 01:20:45,880
Speaker 3: fall back into that victim mode. So the question then

1639
01:20:46,000 --> 01:20:48,080
Speaker 3: is for you, what are you going to do? The

1640
01:20:48,200 --> 01:20:51,280
Speaker 3: boundaries are what I am and am not willing to do,

1641
01:20:52,120 --> 01:20:54,200
Speaker 3: and maybe that boundary is I'm not willing to enter

1642
01:20:54,280 --> 01:20:56,920
Speaker 3: to these conversations and I have to sit with this

1643
01:20:57,080 --> 01:20:59,960
Speaker 3: idea that other people don't know my truth and that's uncomfort.

1644
01:21:00,640 --> 01:21:03,479
Speaker 3: But when you know your truth and your partner knows

1645
01:21:03,640 --> 01:21:07,080
Speaker 3: you and each other together, that's all you need. You

1646
01:21:07,160 --> 01:21:10,040
Speaker 3: can't control other people's opinions of you. Yeah, and it's

1647
01:21:10,280 --> 01:21:12,960
Speaker 3: so painful to have that because I know, I know

1648
01:21:13,120 --> 01:21:15,759
Speaker 3: people want connection, I know people want to be with family,

1649
01:21:16,600 --> 01:21:20,280
Speaker 3: and this is such a painful thing to experience. Thank you,

1650
01:21:20,720 --> 01:21:22,360
Speaker 3: And then I always love when people come and say

1651
01:21:22,439 --> 01:21:23,880
Speaker 3: hi to me. So if you've been hanging out with

1652
01:21:24,000 --> 01:21:26,559
Speaker 3: us tonight, please come say hi to me. My social

1653
01:21:26,680 --> 01:21:29,280
Speaker 3: is at Doctor Tracy d I am social on there.

1654
01:21:29,439 --> 01:21:32,720
Speaker 3: I see every DM, I see every message if you

1655
01:21:32,840 --> 01:21:35,800
Speaker 3: want to dabble into relationship stuff with me, and my

1656
01:21:35,880 --> 01:21:39,320
Speaker 3: podcast is called Dear Doctor Tracy. My special guest is

1657
01:21:39,400 --> 01:21:42,000
Speaker 3: often my husband who comes on and he's just a

1658
01:21:42,080 --> 01:21:44,280
Speaker 3: regular guy, so he kind of gives this like regular

1659
01:21:44,360 --> 01:21:48,360
Speaker 3: guy perspective of like the defensive, kind of stonewaller guy

1660
01:21:48,479 --> 01:21:52,640
Speaker 3: that he like, just yeah, I love how he This

1661
01:21:52,840 --> 01:21:56,400
Speaker 3: community is just unreal, Like, I'm so proud of you guys.

1662
01:21:57,840 --> 01:22:01,559
Speaker 3: You know, it's incredible. I'm so proud of you. It's

1663
01:22:01,640 --> 01:22:03,960
Speaker 3: like we're in community and it's just so needed.

1664
01:22:04,720 --> 01:22:08,040
Speaker 2: No, I've really been loving bringing all you know, these

1665
01:22:08,400 --> 01:22:10,240
Speaker 2: We've had a lot of different professionals on, so I

1666
01:22:10,320 --> 01:22:10,880
Speaker 2: feel really.

1667
01:22:10,800 --> 01:22:12,720
Speaker 3: Lucky to have you, you know it basically, you know

1668
01:22:12,960 --> 01:22:14,360
Speaker 3: that's such a guest. Yeah, it is.

1669
01:22:14,439 --> 01:22:16,720
Speaker 2: It's been really great. I feel like I'm learning a

1670
01:22:16,760 --> 01:22:19,759
Speaker 2: lot good. Yes, But I think that's the last question

1671
01:22:19,920 --> 01:22:20,439
Speaker 2: we have for you.

1672
01:22:20,680 --> 01:22:24,000
Speaker 3: Thank you agains amazing for joining us and giving such

1673
01:22:24,080 --> 01:22:27,240
Speaker 3: great answers for everything. Thank you really appreciate it. Thank you.

1674
01:22:27,479 --> 01:22:29,200
Speaker 3: I have not been on the Today Show though, so

1675
01:22:29,320 --> 01:22:31,120
Speaker 3: if you know somebody, yeah yeah, we get you on.

1676
01:22:31,680 --> 01:22:35,400
Speaker 2: Pull me on there. We'll be the next guest on there.

1677
01:22:35,640 --> 01:22:39,719
Speaker 3: You've all been amazing. Thank you so much, Thanks Sophia,

1678
01:22:39,840 --> 01:22:41,519
Speaker 3: thank you for sitting with me, and thank you for

1679
01:22:41,560 --> 01:22:42,599
Speaker 3: everyone for joining us.

1680
01:22:43,080 --> 01:22:45,160
Speaker 2: I had a great time, so I'm glad that you

1681
01:22:45,320 --> 01:22:45,960
Speaker 2: enjoyed as well.