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Speaker 1: It's the radio segment that's catering to white women. With

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Speaker 1: a new Hidden Valley Day Spa, you can smother yourself

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Speaker 1: in soaking tubs filled with ranch, get balsamic vinagrette facials,

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Speaker 1: or go for a full body shit two thousand island

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Speaker 1: dressing massage Hidden Valley Day Spa where you're the salad.

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Speaker 1: Sign up now with Laser Story. It's a segment where

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Speaker 1: we read weird stories around the bol just like everyone

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Speaker 1: else does, except we've got a laser and there's other

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Speaker 1: crews on crabbabies just don't. This first laser story is

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Speaker 1: out of Oh no, not again. It's Florida. Yeah, let's

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Speaker 1: go Yes, And this almost sounds like the setup to

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Speaker 1: a joke, but it's real. This past weekend, a naked

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Speaker 1: woman walked into a convenience store armed with a potato peeler.

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Speaker 1: Wait a minute, all sees are sharp. I myself before,

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Speaker 1: and you're not gonna believe this part. But she was

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Speaker 1: really drunk. That never happens.

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Speaker 2: Why I feel better for her that she wasn't sober

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Speaker 2: for this?

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Speaker 1: Well, the woman is thirty five year old Celia Barrett,

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Speaker 1: and when she casually waltzed into the store, without any clothes.

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Speaker 1: She began yelling at the cashier about getting kicked out

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Speaker 1: of that same store a day earlier. Why would you

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Speaker 1: even say that? Just couldn't let it go when the

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Speaker 1: clerk told her to beat it. She then threatened two

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Speaker 1: workers with the peeler and said she was gonna kill

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Speaker 1: somebody unless she got a free beer.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I do feel like it's an easy exchange.

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Speaker 1: Anyway. Witnesses then watched her topple over a display of

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Speaker 1: red bulls. Then she got up and immediately tore open

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Speaker 1: a carton of cigarettes, spilling them all over the floor.

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Speaker 1: I think she was just taking a stand against smoking,

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Speaker 1: though I don't think that.

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Speaker 2: In this alone.

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Speaker 1: Florida. An employee called the cops, and, not surprisingly, she

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Speaker 1: was still fully naked when they arrived.

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Speaker 2: She didn't find any clothes in the store.

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Speaker 1: Now. She told them that she'd had about six shots

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Speaker 1: of liquor maybe more is him man, probably all at once.

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Speaker 1: So Celia is facing charges for aggravated assault, disorderly intoxication, trespassing,

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Speaker 1: criminal mischief, and indecent exposure. Yeah, which is a very

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Speaker 1: small rap sheet for a Florida criminal. So yeah, you're

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Speaker 1: not gonna see her at the top of our like

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Speaker 1: most hated Florida people of the year, let's go to

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Speaker 1: her next laser story out of Austria.

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Speaker 2: Really very different from Florida.

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Speaker 1: Another shrimp on the Bobby thirty one year old Australia.

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Speaker 1: Thirty one year old Marlene Engelhorn woke up recently and

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Speaker 1: found out she was instantly twenty five million dollars richer.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, what a miracle, because apparently she's the

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Speaker 1: descendant of Friedrich Engelhorn, who founded the German chemical and

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Speaker 1: pharmaceutical company basf Okay.

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Speaker 2: So it's family money.

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Speaker 1: Got it when her mother died. She inherited that staggering

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Speaker 1: amount of money so much so what is she gonna

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Speaker 1: do with all of it? Well, she wants to give

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Speaker 1: it away. That's really charitable, and now she's looking for

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Speaker 1: strangers to help her do it. Sadly, Jose, you have

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Speaker 1: to be an Austrian citizen. I just did an Austrian accent.

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Speaker 3: You guys think I can Austrian.

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Speaker 1: Austria mon I think it would pass. But she has

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Speaker 1: been asking for applications for fifty people to share their

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Speaker 1: views on how the money should be used.

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Speaker 2: When each of them choos up and says, I have

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Speaker 2: an idea. Why did you give it to me?

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Speaker 1: Well, if you're selected, you'll spend a month discussing how

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Speaker 1: to properly use the money to be a service for democracy.

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Speaker 1: And she says she has no veto rites in this.

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Speaker 1: Whatever the group of fifty chooses to do with the

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Speaker 1: money is what will happen, even if they want to

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Speaker 1: just give it all to themselves.

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Speaker 2: Feels like someone doesn't like to make decisions.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, she says. She realizes she's putting a lot of

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Speaker 1: trust in people that she doesn't know, but she says,

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Speaker 1: what's the worst that could happen?

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Speaker 3: They said that when they keep asking people the name

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Speaker 3: public things like bony m and it always turns out bad.

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Speaker 1: I would use it to all get passes to go

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Speaker 1: to the Hidden Valley day spot and all dude so together.

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Speaker 1: That's my mote. This next laser story is out of

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Speaker 1: Food News. Yeah, a major food brand desperately wants us

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Speaker 1: to start dipping our pizza in guacamole.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I'm not anti. I wouldn't talk to me more here.

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Speaker 1: Hermel Foods owns the brand Holy Guacamole and they're behind

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Speaker 1: the push maybe for a good reason, because they did

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Speaker 1: a poll that found seventy four percent of us would

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Speaker 1: reach for guacamole at a Super Bowl party yeah, and

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Speaker 1: ninety one percent would reach for pizza. Yeah, but only

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Speaker 1: seventeen percent have ever tried them together. That's a good point.

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Speaker 3: Anybody here and tortilla chips together with guacama delicious?

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Speaker 2: Why not bread and good?

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Speaker 1: When they're holding a contest called Guacafy Pizza, two hundred

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Speaker 1: and fifty fans in San Francisco and Kansas City will

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Speaker 1: win free pies and guak during the Big Game next

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Speaker 1: week because they're watching.

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna I'm gonna do a pineapple pizza just to

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Speaker 3: make people saying.

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Speaker 1: Oh, send it over here. I love that. So is

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Speaker 1: this just a dumb marketing thing or does gualk On

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Speaker 1: pizza actually sound good to you? If it was like

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Speaker 1: one of those Kiso Beautia pizzas, I think it would

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Speaker 1: be really good.

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Speaker 3: I will tell you I love pizza Dippton Ranch. I mean,

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Speaker 3: I know we started the segment, but it's the reason

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Speaker 3: why I gained so much weight.

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Speaker 1: Guacify yourself over at Hidden Valley day Spot. Yeah, we're

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Speaker 1: gonna make this a thing. This next laser stories out

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Speaker 1: of in the air up there. Oh, if aliens showed

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Speaker 1: up tomorrow and they were not overly friendly, who would

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Speaker 1: you want to be the point person in charge of

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Speaker 1: talking it out with them? Or should we just go

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Speaker 1: and let Brook deal with them?

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Speaker 2: He was, how you do? I want?

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Speaker 1: I want your your smallest intern alien to come meet

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Speaker 1: me in the prize closet over and there. I need

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Speaker 1: to talk with him.

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Speaker 3: Dude?

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Speaker 2: Did I just fix universal peace?

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Speaker 1: Did I say that? Because a new poll found that

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Speaker 1: forty three percent of people say they would be cool

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Speaker 1: with our current world leaders representing Earth. What Maybe they

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Speaker 1: didn't specify who specifically that would be, So maybe the

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Speaker 1: options are the President, Elon Musk, and Kanye.

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Speaker 2: Still Combo, jesus.

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Speaker 1: What about you? In the poll, forty two percent of

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Speaker 1: Americans say yes they believe they themselves would be able

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Speaker 1: to negotiate peace with beings from another galaxy. Forty percent

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Speaker 1: they could talk it out yeah, a good point. Over

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Speaker 1: Fifty three percent of people think aliens do exist some where,

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Speaker 1: while thirty four percent of people say they need legit

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Speaker 1: proof before they believe.

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Speaker 3: That means they're not getting their speech ready to start

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Speaker 3: the world peace process.

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Speaker 1: Well, wouldn't we want this guy to be the one

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Speaker 1: to speak to the aliens on our behalf because I

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Speaker 1: think they'd be able to relate to each other. They're

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Speaker 1: both green, they both make weird noises. We have aliens

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Speaker 1: going after shoes all over this planet. It might actually

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Speaker 1: be a better place. Okay that sound means Laser Stories

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Speaker 1: has come to an end for the day. We'll do

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Speaker 1: it again, same time on Friday

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Speaker 3: Brook and Jeffrey in the morning.