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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Samp this is John. We're the ancient

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Speaker 1: two case Storytime podcast hosts, and we have some ancient

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Speaker 1: wisdom in the stories coming up. If you want to

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Speaker 1: hear the wisdom from two old heads that know more

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Speaker 1: than they know what to do with, you're gonna have

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Speaker 1: to wait for a quick message from our sponsors for

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Speaker 1: the next two minutes or so.

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Speaker 2: My stepmother acts like I'm competing with her, and I'm

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Speaker 2: tired of it.

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Speaker 3: You gotta go for first place.

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Speaker 2: I'm nineteen years old and I'm away from home attending college.

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Speaker 2: I'm really close with my dad and two younger sisters.

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Speaker 2: My parents are divorced and my dad remarried my step

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Speaker 2: mom forty five female, about seven years ago. By the way,

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Speaker 2: this comes from at Miss Molly three fourteen and if

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Speaker 2: you want to submit your own stories, go to the

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Speaker 2: r slash Okay Storytime supread it and I'm Angie.

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Speaker 4: I'm Carly, and we're here to give good advice. Goofully.

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Speaker 4: We don't have all the answers.

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Speaker 2: We just know what we would do in the situation,

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Speaker 2: So let us know what you would do in the comments. Anyway,

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Speaker 2: I don't know what it is, but my step mom

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Speaker 2: has never made an effort to use to know me.

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Speaker 2: You might have something to do with the fact that

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Speaker 2: when my dad was still married to my mom, he

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Speaker 2: cheated on her with now stepmom. Long story short, I

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Speaker 2: found out and sent stepmma really mean email. But it

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Speaker 2: was a mean email coming from an immature eight year

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Speaker 2: old who didn't understand.

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Speaker 4: The complexity of the situation.

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Speaker 2: I feel like it would be really unfair to write

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Speaker 2: me off because of something that I did when I

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Speaker 2: was eight, But I digress, continuing on. Due to my

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Speaker 2: biological mother's mental health issues, I was not a part

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Speaker 2: of my dad's life until I was fifteen. When I

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Speaker 2: was reunited with him, I was genuinely excited to meet

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Speaker 2: his wife and my half brother. I was hoping that

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Speaker 2: she could be a mother figure or even just my friend.

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Speaker 2: I've tried really hard to make this happen too. I

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Speaker 2: buy and make her gifts during the holidays, I try

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Speaker 2: and get her to do stuff with me, and I

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Speaker 2: have tried to tell her directly that I want a relationship,

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Speaker 2: but she still does not like me. She barely speaks

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Speaker 2: to me. Every time I see her. She acts like

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Speaker 2: everyone wants to get rid of her. Despite everyone reassuring

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Speaker 2: her that we want her around. She will often just

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Speaker 2: leave the house with my brother whenever I am around,

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Speaker 2: I think to make my dad feel bad about her

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Speaker 2: perceived victimization. She will also say passive aggressive things that

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Speaker 2: may imply that she is a perpetual victim.

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Speaker 4: For example, I was visiting my dad for the Fourth

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Speaker 4: of July.

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Speaker 2: She was planning on leaving to go to her parents' house,

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Speaker 2: so I asked her if she was going to stay

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Speaker 2: for the fireworks. She responded by saying that she was

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Speaker 2: going to leave the next day, but since I wanted

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Speaker 2: her to go.

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Speaker 4: She would leave immediately.

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Speaker 2: We all begged her to stay, but she left anyway.

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Speaker 2: My biggest problem with her is that when my dad

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Speaker 2: spends time with me, she.

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Speaker 4: Acts like he is having an affair.

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Speaker 2: She will call him and say things like Rowan and

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Speaker 2: I are learning we can have fun without you, so

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Speaker 2: just stay with miss Molly, so just stay with OPI.

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Speaker 2: Or I think you should just go to Mexico with

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Speaker 2: OPI and her sisters instead of all of us like

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Speaker 2: we plant. She gets so jealous that I just don't

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Speaker 2: understand I am his daughter. Not a spicied answer. It's

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Speaker 2: gotten to the point where I don't feel welcome at

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Speaker 2: my dad's house. My dad is a major pacifist, and.

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Speaker 4: He's aware that there's an issue, but he doesn't.

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Speaker 2: Really confront her about it, knowing he has not much help.

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Speaker 2: How should I resolve my issues with my stepmom? Should

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Speaker 2: I be direct and tell her that she's acting.

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Speaker 4: Like a baby? Or should I just wait until they're

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Speaker 4: marriage falls apart?

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Speaker 2: Because their relationship is having serious issues because of all

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Speaker 2: this and money issues and there is an edit?

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Speaker 4: But what do you think so far?

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Speaker 2: Should they should ope, wait until their marriage falls apart

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Speaker 2: or just cutfront her?

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Speaker 5: Now?

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Speaker 3: We got to confront her before your marriage is gone?

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Speaker 3: Come on?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I feel like it's this is like can happen?

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Speaker 3: And I feel like everybody can probably tell when she's

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Speaker 3: like leaving and like beg me to stay, beg me

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Speaker 3: to stay.

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Speaker 4: Oh I'm gonna leave anyway.

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Speaker 2: Like people know that it's her at this point, like this,

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Speaker 2: they see her hiding in the bushes after she left, right,

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Speaker 2: They're like, Okay, I see you. I thought you went

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Speaker 2: away because she's like not not, no, she just tries

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Speaker 2: to hide, yeah, and then peeks up. She's just so

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Speaker 2: bad at her the suggestion of many of you. I've

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Speaker 2: told my dad that this issue needs to be resolved

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Speaker 2: if he wants a relationship. I suggested family therapy, and

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Speaker 2: he's going to talk to her about the idea if

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Speaker 2: we can make progress. If not, it's going to become

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Speaker 2: a painful and unnecessary her versus me situation. Also, next

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Speaker 2: time she starts the pastive aggressive stuff with me, I'm

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Speaker 2: going to confront her about the way that she's treating me.

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Speaker 2: And there are some replies from ope. Yeah, sometimes he's

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Speaker 2: not very smart. He has a very good heart and

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Speaker 2: he's extremely loving, but he's really absent minded and non confrontational.

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Speaker 2: Hence he let me play games on the same phone

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Speaker 2: that he texted his then mistress. I think some of

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Speaker 2: it is because he has the worst case of add

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Speaker 2: that I've ever seen. Thankfully, is finally getting medicated for it.

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Speaker 2: I have let him know how much it has hurt me,

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Speaker 2: and then I don't feel welcome in his house. He

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Speaker 2: has talked to her in the past and she gets

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Speaker 2: better for.

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Speaker 4: A little bit, and then it's back to business as usual.

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Speaker 2: Maybe I need to suggest to get a little more

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Speaker 2: serious about this situation and not just talk to her

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Speaker 2: In the meantime, I'm going to follow your advice and

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Speaker 2: just not interact with her.

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Speaker 4: I agree with you there.

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Speaker 2: I think she was really enjoying her life with her

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Speaker 2: one son and loving husband. Unfortunately for her, she kind

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Speaker 2: of ignored the fact that my dad had a different

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Speaker 2: life before her. Then, when my dad had to sue

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Speaker 2: for the full custody of my sisters and I, she

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Speaker 2: was totally unprepared. I agree that him not standing up

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Speaker 2: for me is not very loving. He's great in every

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Speaker 2: other aspect, but it's not cool for him to just

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Speaker 2: do nothing about this and hope that it gets better.

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Speaker 2: I also think that everyone should know where his almost

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Speaker 2: pathological avoidance of conflict comes from. When I said my

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Speaker 2: mom is mentally ill, I wasn't kidding. She has Munchausen

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Speaker 2: syndrome and much hous and syndrome by proxy. I'm not

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Speaker 2: defending his unwillingness to stand up for himself and his family,

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Speaker 2: because it is really crappy. But I think me explaining

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Speaker 2: his background makes the whole situation easier to understand.

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Speaker 4: I couldn't agree with you more.

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Speaker 2: I love my half brother very very much, and since

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Speaker 2: he's young right now, we get along great, but eventually

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Speaker 2: the tension between myself and his mom is going to

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Speaker 2: affect our relationship in a way it already has. I'll

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Speaker 2: be playing with my little bro having a good time,

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Speaker 2: and then out of nowhere, my son mom will literally

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Speaker 2: take him away from me.

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Speaker 4: It sucks, and I don't get to see him much

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Speaker 4: at all.

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Speaker 2: Ironically, my biological mother is actually crazy. I certainly don't

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Speaker 2: think my dad did the right thing cheating on her,

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Speaker 2: but I understand why he made that mistake. He wanted

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Speaker 2: to escape her, but he also didn't want to lose

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Speaker 2: contact with his daughters. When my parents did get divorced,

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Speaker 2: our mom kept us away from him most of the

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Speaker 2: time because she is awful and vindictive. He was a

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Speaker 2: terrible husband but a great dad. He still is overall,

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Speaker 2: but he really needs to work on defunding me if

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Speaker 2: he wants a relationship.

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Speaker 4: I digress.

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Speaker 2: I think the initial drama surrounding the affair might be

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Speaker 2: able to attracted stepmom.

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Speaker 4: Like you said, she could.

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Speaker 2: Be trying to create drama because that is the kind

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Speaker 2: of person that she is. Either way, I've told my

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Speaker 2: dad that he has to confront his wife or I

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Speaker 2: can't spend time with him.

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Speaker 4: I suggested family therapy. He was extremely apologetic and so

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Speaker 4: that he wants me in his life.

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Speaker 2: He's going to suggest therapy and we will see where

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Speaker 2: it goes from there.

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Speaker 4: Update two years later.

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Speaker 2: Two years after posting this, I can safely say that

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Speaker 2: my family is in terribly fractured. A relationship with my

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Speaker 2: dad is never going to be the same. In factor,

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Speaker 2: might not even be a relationship. My younger stepbrother seven

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Speaker 2: has been largely poisoned against me by his mom. My

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Speaker 2: sister nineteen, mostly stays away from my dad's home because

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Speaker 2: it is just so uncomfortable. My other sister, fourteen, feels

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Speaker 2: the need to create even more drama just so she

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Speaker 2: can get a scrap of attention. It has gotten so

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Speaker 2: unbearable that I don't.

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Speaker 4: Even feel sane anymore.

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Speaker 2: When I wrote my last post, I really thought there

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Speaker 2: was a solution to my stepmom's behavior. I had many

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Speaker 2: calm discussions with my dad where we talked about how

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Speaker 2: damaging stepmom's behavior is. Over time, those discussions have gotten

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Speaker 2: more heated and mean. We had gone over it over

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Speaker 2: and over and over, to the point that I feel

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Speaker 2: like a broken record. Every time we talked about the issue,

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Speaker 2: he would acknowledge that her behavior is terrible, not in

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Speaker 2: those words, because he can't say anything bad about her

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Speaker 2: and tell me that he didn't know why she's like

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Speaker 2: I'd ask him why she never liked me, over and

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Speaker 2: over again, Why did she never try to get to

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Speaker 2: know me, Why she's so cold?

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Speaker 4: What the heck did I do to deserve this?

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Speaker 2: These are the questions that I asked him pretty much

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Speaker 2: every time I saw him, and he never had an answer.

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Speaker 2: All he could say in her defense was that he

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Speaker 2: could see both sides, even though the issues started when

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Speaker 2: I was an effing kid and did absolutely nothing, and

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Speaker 2: that she was so strong because she had to clean

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Speaker 2: up and sometimes no one would eat her dinner, which

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Speaker 2: is an absolute joke, because when I raised my younger

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Speaker 2: sisters by myself, starting at age thirteen, they did the exact.

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Speaker 4: Same thing to me.

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Speaker 2: My thirteen year old self never treated them anywhere close

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Speaker 2: to the way that stepmom treats me. I even tried

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Speaker 2: confronting the source of the problem a few times, but

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Speaker 2: it never helped. It probably made things worse. She would

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Speaker 2: just deny any responsibility for her actions. It acts like

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Speaker 2: I was absolutely insane, always devolved into shouting, because I

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Speaker 2: would get unimaginably frustrated that no one cared or recognized

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Speaker 2: the borderline abuse. And the terrible part is there was

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Speaker 2: nothing that I could really confront her about. There isn't

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Speaker 2: one big thing that she's done, just seven years of

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Speaker 2: acting like I'm not my father's daughter and like she

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Speaker 2: was a victim of a hate crime.

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Speaker 4: It's so hard to put that into words.

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Speaker 2: When someone asks you what exactly stepmom has done that

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Speaker 2: it's so irredeemable. I would much prefer that she had

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Speaker 2: done something big. Knowing someone hates you but will never

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Speaker 2: show it in any other way than coldness is so

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Speaker 2: much worse to me than anger. It got much worse

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Speaker 2: when I had to move back home about six months

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Speaker 2: ago because of my financial situation. Also note that I'm

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Speaker 2: not freeloading. I have a full time job. I pay

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Speaker 2: my own car bill. I rarely eat their food due

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Speaker 2: to stress induced appetite loss. I'd buy all my own clothes,

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Speaker 2: pay for everything related to my dog, and until it

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Speaker 2: got bad, I paid rent in the form of using

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Speaker 2: my lunch break to drive.

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Speaker 4: My sister home from school, which is ten is.

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Speaker 2: Miles from home. And I swear when I moved in.

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Speaker 2: I tried so hard to make things better. I tried

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Speaker 2: so effing hard to be her friend, but she has

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Speaker 2: just hid away in her room for the majority of

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Speaker 2: the last six months, avoiding me. There were some times

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Speaker 2: when it was okay, we'd have friendly conversation, but it

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Speaker 2: never lasted more than a few weeks. I'd either do

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Speaker 2: something unknown to upset her, or she would do something

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Speaker 2: that upset me.

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Speaker 4: Seven years of tension.

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Speaker 2: Would just bubble over any time anything happened. Three months ago,

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Speaker 2: I stopped trying with her. I realized, no matter what,

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Speaker 2: she will always hate me. There is no relationship to

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Speaker 2: be had with my stepmom ever, and it made me

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Speaker 2: so angry that my dad didn't care how much I

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Speaker 2: was hurting. He didn't care that the situation made me

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Speaker 2: feel like I was back in that house with my mom,

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Speaker 2: thirteen years old and utterly powerless. So not only did

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Speaker 2: I stop trying, I started being kind of mean. Every

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Speaker 2: time she said something passive aggressive, I'd rudely call her out.

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Speaker 2: Not like it mattered anyway, since she rarely talked to me,

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Speaker 2: but I stopped talking to her. I made sure to

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Speaker 2: leave as much as my stuff in the way as

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Speaker 2: much as possible.

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Speaker 4: I stopped doing anything.

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Speaker 2: To help my stepmom and dad during my work hours

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Speaker 2: eight to five Monday through Friday. I work from home

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Speaker 2: and used to use my lunch break to drive my

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Speaker 2: sister home from school. I rarely ate her dinners stuff

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Speaker 2: like that. I'm not necessarily proud of my behavior, but

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Speaker 2: I'm not ashamed either. I hate being mean, and it

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Speaker 2: actually doesn't make me feel any better, but I also

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Speaker 2: refuse to just keep ignoring how she treats me.

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Speaker 4: I just wanted something to be different, you know. I

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Speaker 4: didn't care if.

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Speaker 2: It made things worse, because then maybe someone would finally

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Speaker 2: help me.

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Speaker 4: But no one did.

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Speaker 2: My dad and I began to grow apart, and now

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Speaker 2: I have a hard time seeing how he can love

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Speaker 2: me and still let this go on for years.

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Speaker 4: Next night, he let it.

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Speaker 2: Slip that my stepmom is trying to manipulate him into

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Speaker 2: kicking me out. She evidently told him that she would

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Speaker 2: move out of her own effing house just to get

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Speaker 2: away from me. It's the most manipulative thing that she's

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Speaker 2: ever done, and it absolutely broke my effing heart to

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Speaker 2: hear that, one from someone that hates me that much,

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Speaker 2: and two that my own a father didn't think that

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Speaker 2: was unacceptable to say yes. For the past three months,

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Speaker 2: I have not been nice, but I have not been evil.

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Speaker 2: I've certainly not done anything that she herself hasn't done

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Speaker 2: for years. There's nothing wrong with me, and I have

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Speaker 2: to keep reminding myself of that I have certainly done

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Speaker 2: nothing to deserve her making my dad choose between.

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Speaker 4: His daughter and his wife.

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Speaker 2: The conversation ended with me reminding him that under state law,

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Speaker 2: he can't punt me out unless he wants to go

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Speaker 2: through eviction proceedings. I never wanted it to come to that.

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Speaker 2: I only mention it because I have a dog that

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Speaker 2: I am responsible for and I will not let her

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Speaker 2: live on the streets. And that's where we left it.

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Speaker 2: The past few weeks have made me realize that he

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Speaker 2: will never stand up for me. He will never admit

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Speaker 2: that there is no nothing that made his wife hate

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Speaker 2: me other than her own crazy. You will never admit

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Speaker 2: that she one hundred percent started the situation out of

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Speaker 2: jealousy or something else when I was a kid. He

300
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Speaker 2: will never admit that it's not my fault except the

301
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,520
Speaker 2: escalation that happened when I moved in something that I

302
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:15,640
Speaker 2: freely admit that I one hundred percent had a big

303
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Speaker 2: part of He will never leave her, even though in

304
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Speaker 2: desperation I've asked him how he could love someone that

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Speaker 2: hated his.

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Speaker 4: Daughter so much. Yeah, I don't. I know that stuff

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Speaker 4: is hard. He's like not doing anything.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, we're what probably three years into this story now.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, at least nothing's changing. Nothing's changing.

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Speaker 3: They're actively admitting, hey, we're manipulating you.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and Dad is like, yeah, she's manipulating me. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 4: letting you know.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for reading this very long update. I'm about

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Speaker 2: ninety percent sure that I have a place line up

315
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Speaker 2: to move in. Within the next week. I will be

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Speaker 2: leaving this house and never going back unless their marriage ends.

317
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Speaker 2: I still love my dad, but I am so disappointed

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Speaker 2: in him. I'm not cutting contact out of anger. I'm

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Speaker 2: cutting contact because it is too painful to have my

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Speaker 2: dad proved me every single day that he does not

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Speaker 2: care how bad anyone treats me. And there are some

322
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Speaker 2: replies to comments from Opie. Opie says, I am moving out. However,

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Speaker 2: you really need to read the other posts. It gives

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Speaker 2: context to why I'm being rude. For seven years, I've

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Speaker 2: put up with her treating me like I'm not my

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Speaker 2: father's daughter. Even still, nothing that I've done has been

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Speaker 2: anything close to how she has treated me regularly. Also,

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Speaker 2: this is the first time since I was twelve that

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Speaker 2: I've lived in my father's home quote rent free. I

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Speaker 2: supported myself for my teenage years. The stuff I've done

331
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Speaker 2: is annoying, not evil, and nothing that isn't done in

332
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Speaker 2: this house by everyone on a daily basis. No one

333
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,560
Speaker 2: talks to each other since it got bad. My close

334
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,640
Speaker 2: and aged siblings also live her and free and don't

335
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,800
Speaker 2: help her in the house. The issue is that she

336
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,240
Speaker 2: never liked me and never wanted me to move in.

337
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,920
Speaker 2: I don't know why, but that's how it's been since

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00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,560
Speaker 2: I met her first. Of all, her behavior has affected

339
00:13:53,559 --> 00:13:56,000
Speaker 2: both of my biological siblings in the same way. She

340
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,319
Speaker 2: is just much meaner to me. One of them is

341
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:01,199
Speaker 2: still a minor, so your point is now invalid. Second,

342
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,400
Speaker 2: a person can make both their spouse and kids a priority.

343
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,760
Speaker 2: He's known me all his life, and I've never wanted

344
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:09,240
Speaker 2: him to do anything drastic like leave her for me.

345
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:12,479
Speaker 2: All I've been asking for is helping fix the problem.

346
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:15,760
Speaker 2: Someone to defend me. I suggested family therapy, but they

347
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:18,080
Speaker 2: didn't want to go and that's the end of that story.

348
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:19,160
Speaker 4: Wow wow wow.

349
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:19,640
Speaker 3: Yeah.

350
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,480
Speaker 2: I guess, like now you want them to break up.

351
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,120
Speaker 2: But obviously, right, that's so valid.

352
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,320
Speaker 3: I don't think that's gonna change either though.

353
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,200
Speaker 4: Yeah, and that's the end of this story. We're going

354
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:30,240
Speaker 4: on to the next one.

355
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:35,240
Speaker 3: My adoptive mother said I betrayed her because I found

356
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:36,800
Speaker 3: my biological family.

357
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,359
Speaker 4: Yeah, how dare you? I guess? So I am adopted.

358
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,280
Speaker 3: I was adopted at eight months old and knew nothing

359
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,800
Speaker 3: about my biofamily. The only thing I knew was I

360
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,560
Speaker 3: went into foster care at birth when my bio mom

361
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:51,800
Speaker 3: did not give biodad info so he could release me

362
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:54,600
Speaker 3: for adoption. By the way, this comes from Pleasant Computer

363
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:56,560
Speaker 3: five four four And if you want to submit your

364
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,520
Speaker 3: own stories, go to the r slash okay storytime subreddit.

365
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,600
Speaker 3: I'm car I'm Angie, and we're here to give good advice.

366
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:03,040
Speaker 4: Goofully.

367
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,360
Speaker 3: But we don't have all the answers. We only know

368
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,000
Speaker 3: what we would do, So I just know what you

369
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,520
Speaker 3: would do. In the comment, court released his rights when

370
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:12,320
Speaker 3: I was eight months old. I do not remember any

371
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:15,560
Speaker 3: of this, but it is important for later once I

372
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,640
Speaker 3: was adopted, I grew up with the parents who would

373
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,400
Speaker 3: always be my mom and dad.

374
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,120
Speaker 4: I am now married with three kids.

375
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:24,760
Speaker 3: Six years ago, in my late thirties, my husband gifted

376
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:28,400
Speaker 3: me with an ancestry DNA kid for my birthday. Nothing

377
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:31,680
Speaker 3: comes from it but a little heritage like European ancestry.

378
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:35,560
Speaker 3: Nine months ago, two weeks before my forty third birthday,

379
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:40,480
Speaker 3: a first cousin matches on ancestry. Cousin and I talk

380
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,880
Speaker 3: and she thinks her uncle might be my bio dad,

381
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,200
Speaker 3: and sure enough he is. I look just like him,

382
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,960
Speaker 3: there's no denying it. He and I talk and he

383
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,880
Speaker 3: never knew I was born and that he even had

384
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,360
Speaker 3: a kid. He tells me who my bio mom might be,

385
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:57,640
Speaker 3: and I reach out to her. She confirms everything. All

386
00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,920
Speaker 3: biofamily is excited to meet me and no I have

387
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,880
Speaker 3: six half siblings. I understand bio mom was wrong not

388
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,960
Speaker 3: to tell biodad. She was forced by parents to give

389
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,560
Speaker 3: me up. It was the eighties, so she was actually

390
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,680
Speaker 3: sent away for the entire school year. There are a

391
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,920
Speaker 3: lot of details to that part of the story, but

392
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:18,680
Speaker 3: it is not the question I am asking. I cannot

393
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,800
Speaker 3: change the past, only move forward. At this point over

394
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,640
Speaker 3: the last nine months, my bio mom has come to

395
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:24,960
Speaker 3: meet me.

396
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:26,920
Speaker 6: We are eight hours apart.

397
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,320
Speaker 3: I went to meet my biodad and we are six

398
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:32,960
Speaker 3: hours apart. Everything is great, except my adoptive mom is

399
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,480
Speaker 3: upset and does not like us meeting. She requests we

400
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,880
Speaker 3: do not share on social media and gets upset. Knowing

401
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,800
Speaker 3: I want a friendship with my biofamily, she says things

402
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,120
Speaker 3: like most people do not get a whole new family

403
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:48,200
Speaker 3: at forty three years old. This past weekend, my daughter

404
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:51,040
Speaker 3: is in her school play as a main character and

405
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:54,160
Speaker 3: my mom could not come. So a biomom asked if

406
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,280
Speaker 3: she could make the trip and watch the play. Of

407
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:59,640
Speaker 3: course I said yes. She drove eight hours and the

408
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,600
Speaker 3: weekend went well. To respect my mom, no one shares

409
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:05,919
Speaker 3: anything on social media or says anything. Biomom makes a

410
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,640
Speaker 3: blue app post that she has made it home safely

411
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,320
Speaker 3: from a trip, and my mother in law comments it

412
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,119
Speaker 3: was nice meeting her well. My adoptive mom sees it

413
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:19,800
Speaker 3: and gets super upset, starts passive aggressively posting about depression

414
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,160
Speaker 3: and how her grandchildren will not.

415
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:23,120
Speaker 4: Know her, etc.

416
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:26,920
Speaker 3: In all out petty fit. Then the next day bio

417
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:30,040
Speaker 3: mom makes a post about dealing with traffic. I comment

418
00:17:30,119 --> 00:17:32,680
Speaker 3: to her about being close to her work, and then

419
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:36,000
Speaker 3: adoptive Mom jumps on and says, seems like you've been there.

420
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,960
Speaker 3: Biomm responds that I have never been there, and adoptive

421
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,560
Speaker 3: Mom admits it was a petty comment and to forget

422
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,880
Speaker 3: she said it. My mom has a history of being

423
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,399
Speaker 3: upset when things do not go exactly the way she

424
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,840
Speaker 3: wants it to. Example, when I got married almost twenty

425
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,480
Speaker 3: two years ago, she was so mad at me. She

426
00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:54,560
Speaker 3: would not hug me because I would not let my

427
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:57,720
Speaker 3: stepdad walk me down the aisle I had my dad.

428
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,520
Speaker 3: We had issues for a few years, and I finally

429
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:02,679
Speaker 3: had to let it go and forgive her. When I

430
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:04,879
Speaker 3: had my second child, she was mad.

431
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,200
Speaker 6: My in laws traveled to be with us.

432
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:07,919
Speaker 4: During the birth.

433
00:18:08,119 --> 00:18:10,320
Speaker 3: I am not sure what she expected, but she wanted

434
00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:12,960
Speaker 3: to be the only parent there. I am also dealing

435
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,679
Speaker 3: with high anxiety out of all of this. I feel

436
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:19,840
Speaker 3: guilty meeting my biofamily, like hardcore guilt, and my husband

437
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,879
Speaker 3: keeps telling me that I should not feel that way.

438
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,680
Speaker 3: I really do try to twist myself into a pretzel

439
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,240
Speaker 3: to make everyone happy.

440
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,560
Speaker 6: But generally no one is, and.

441
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:31,120
Speaker 3: I'm concerned I will have high blood pressure or an

442
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,000
Speaker 3: ulcer with the amount of anxiety I'm constantly feeling about

443
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,919
Speaker 3: all of this. So thoughts or advice are welcomed. Am

444
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,760
Speaker 3: I the a hole for meeting my biofamily? We have

445
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,639
Speaker 3: tried to be respectful of my mom's feelings, but it

446
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,800
Speaker 3: does not seem to matter what we do. It is

447
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,399
Speaker 3: never enough for her. And we have some comments, But

448
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:50,000
Speaker 3: what say you, I.

449
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,000
Speaker 2: Say, your mom's being weird and maybe we need to

450
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,600
Speaker 2: have a heart to heart about like what's actually going on? Yeah,

451
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,639
Speaker 2: is she feeling like threatened by this family, thinking that

452
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,320
Speaker 2: you're gonna like like them more or something? Does she

453
00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:04,280
Speaker 2: feel inadequate as a mother already? And it's just like

454
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,280
Speaker 2: adding on to that insecurity, Like right.

455
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,080
Speaker 3: It's like the you're getting a new family at forty three.

456
00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:12,360
Speaker 3: It's like, no, you're still my mom, Like.

457
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,360
Speaker 4: No, dude, I just never showed me who my biofamily.

458
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:18,400
Speaker 4: Was kind of curious. Yeah, see where I came from.

459
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:18,960
Speaker 4: That's all.

460
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:23,199
Speaker 2: They're being all so nice, Like that's I think we

461
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:23,840
Speaker 2: can all chill.

462
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:27,120
Speaker 3: We have some comments. Comment one, You're entitled to want

463
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,720
Speaker 3: to meet your biofamily, and your mom is entitled to

464
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:32,520
Speaker 3: feel however she likes about that. She obviously feels like

465
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,080
Speaker 3: she's being replaced, So you need to sit down and

466
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:38,159
Speaker 3: talk like adults, or your relationship is not headed to

467
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,760
Speaker 3: a good place. Everyone seems oddly calm and resentment free

468
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:45,160
Speaker 3: about the situation, given your bio mom hid your entire

469
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:48,720
Speaker 3: existence from your bio dad for decades, so basically robbed

470
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,480
Speaker 3: him of his bio kid. Same for your half siblings.

471
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,879
Speaker 3: No reason is given for why she gave you up

472
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:56,800
Speaker 3: and made no attempt at contact at any point, et cetera,

473
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:59,040
Speaker 3: et cetera. Ope, he replies, My mom and I have

474
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,000
Speaker 3: talked about it on the phone. She lives in another state.

475
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,720
Speaker 3: She says she's okay with all of it, and then

476
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:08,320
Speaker 3: she isn't. Making everything about herself is nothing new. She

477
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,679
Speaker 3: was mad when I got married and made the planning

478
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:14,520
Speaker 3: process a miserable event, mad when I had my second kid,

479
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,720
Speaker 3: et cetera. If it's not the way she envisions things,

480
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,720
Speaker 3: she gets upset. As for biomom, I know she was

481
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,639
Speaker 3: forced to give me up, including being sent away for

482
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,919
Speaker 3: a year while she had me. She told me she

483
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,160
Speaker 3: wanted to keep me but her mom when it let her,

484
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,760
Speaker 3: she was told if she didn't give up Biodad's name,

485
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,560
Speaker 3: then I couldn't be adopted to her. That meant she

486
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,920
Speaker 3: would have to bring me home at some point. Obviously

487
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,840
Speaker 3: it didn't work that way. Biodad is upset with Biomom,

488
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,240
Speaker 3: and biomm has told me she is one hundred percent

489
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:44,320
Speaker 3: at fault for keeping it a secret. I wouldn't say

490
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:47,000
Speaker 3: we are all calm, but at this point, no one

491
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:51,160
Speaker 3: can change what has happened, only move forward. Commentartuo says, Okay,

492
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,280
Speaker 3: I'm gonna say not the a hole because you didn't

493
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,120
Speaker 3: mean to harm your mother, but hiding the reunion from

494
00:20:56,119 --> 00:20:58,480
Speaker 3: her was not a good move. First, let me tell

495
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:00,440
Speaker 3: you that I think it is really cool that everything

496
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,840
Speaker 3: seems to be going well with your biological parents and relatives.

497
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:07,000
Speaker 3: Family has been my main source of joy my entire life,

498
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:10,359
Speaker 3: and it makes me happy seeing other people reconnecting and

499
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,760
Speaker 3: generally building a familial bond. And that's also why I'm

500
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,159
Speaker 3: upset you're not taking your adoptive mother's feelings more seriously.

501
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,159
Speaker 3: I don't mean to say that you have to avoid

502
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:22,560
Speaker 3: your biofamily that please understand that your adoptive mother is

503
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,679
Speaker 3: now reliving the grief and fears that led her to

504
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,000
Speaker 3: adopt you in the first place. She's dealing with a

505
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,320
Speaker 3: huge amount of imposter syndrome. Sounds like she's thinking that

506
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:34,399
Speaker 3: everything she did for you isn't worth much in comparison

507
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:37,639
Speaker 3: to being blood related to someone else. It doesn't sound

508
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,800
Speaker 3: like those negative feelings are true for you, So please,

509
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:43,800
Speaker 3: I beg you reassure your mother as much as you

510
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:47,760
Speaker 3: can that she is your mom, that nothing can change that,

511
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,720
Speaker 3: that your children will know her as their grandma. Let

512
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:53,640
Speaker 3: her know that you're not replacing her with anybody, that

513
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:57,360
Speaker 3: your reconnection with your biofamily isn't going to change anything

514
00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:00,560
Speaker 3: between you two. Put effort into showing her and letting

515
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,080
Speaker 3: her know that she is, in fact your mother. I

516
00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:05,400
Speaker 3: promise if you do that, she'll be cool with you

517
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,800
Speaker 3: hanging out with your biological family. Hopefully she'll even let

518
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,359
Speaker 3: them become part of hers hope. He responds, I have

519
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:14,480
Speaker 3: been doing that from the beginning. I never hid anything

520
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,080
Speaker 3: from her. I told my mom from the very beginning

521
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:19,800
Speaker 3: of my cousin finding me what was happening, and at

522
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,320
Speaker 3: first she was just as excited as I was. Not

523
00:22:22,359 --> 00:22:25,240
Speaker 3: sure when and why it is suddenly turned. She requested

524
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:27,840
Speaker 3: we keep everything a secret and not share us meeting.

525
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,120
Speaker 3: We are doing all of this out of respect for her,

526
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:33,040
Speaker 3: but she's still mad. We've got it looks like just

527
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:33,840
Speaker 3: maybe an edit.

528
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:36,080
Speaker 4: So yeah, final thoughts here.

529
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I agree with those comments that say,

530
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:41,480
Speaker 2: like we need to think about the mom's feelings, and

531
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:44,199
Speaker 2: it seems hope he is, but it's just kind of

532
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:47,160
Speaker 2: like I feel like we just maybe aren't getting all

533
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:50,280
Speaker 2: the information. Yeah, he has, like we're not getting much

534
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:53,600
Speaker 2: of the conversation with the adoptive mom, but I'm sure

535
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:56,199
Speaker 2: like if they've gotten to the point where they have

536
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,960
Speaker 2: tried more and more things to make her comfortable that

537
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:00,639
Speaker 2: I'm sure they're having conversations yet.

538
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,280
Speaker 4: Yeah, so it.

539
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,240
Speaker 3: Seems like adoptive mom still wants to have a problem

540
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:08,439
Speaker 3: with it regardless. So I don't know if, like if

541
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:12,240
Speaker 3: the reassurance and things that you could try don't work,

542
00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:14,920
Speaker 3: maybe just like therapy with you and your adoptive mom

543
00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:17,760
Speaker 3: just to like remind her like you're still my mom,

544
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,439
Speaker 3: like nothing's gonna change, and just get like all the

545
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:21,800
Speaker 3: feelings out right.

546
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,960
Speaker 2: And maybe it's maybe talking about it just won't help

547
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,520
Speaker 2: anymore either at a certain point, like I think, definitely

548
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:29,040
Speaker 2: try that, but I mean, like if it still doesn't work, then,

549
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,760
Speaker 2: like you know, maybe it just needs to be the

550
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:31,960
Speaker 2: thing where with your.

551
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,919
Speaker 4: Actions, like you just happen to spend more time with

552
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,240
Speaker 4: each other, write more or something like that.

553
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,359
Speaker 2: And I think, you know, it's it's important for you

554
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:41,640
Speaker 2: to understand that she is her own person and has

555
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,400
Speaker 2: her feelings too.

556
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:44,240
Speaker 4: I'm sure you.

557
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:48,280
Speaker 2: Know that at your age, but I also feel like

558
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,639
Speaker 2: she needs to still understand that, like you have your

559
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:53,920
Speaker 2: own experiences too, and like she doesn't understand what you're

560
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:54,720
Speaker 2: going through.

561
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:58,040
Speaker 3: But we haven't. At some point after everyone was known,

562
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:01,680
Speaker 3: she changed and got very upset. I told biomm in

563
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:04,280
Speaker 3: the first conversation that I have a mom and I

564
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:06,840
Speaker 3: would never call her mom. I have also reassured my

565
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,800
Speaker 3: mom the same thing. I wanted my mom to be involved,

566
00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:12,399
Speaker 3: but she doesn't want to be. My mom requested we

567
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:15,040
Speaker 3: not share our visits on social media or say anything

568
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:17,720
Speaker 3: because it bothers her. I'm doing that out of respect

569
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:20,919
Speaker 3: for her wishes, but she still gets mad. Also, my

570
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,760
Speaker 3: mom lives a twenty four hour drive away from me,

571
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:27,280
Speaker 3: so inviting her over or making her physically be a

572
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:30,240
Speaker 3: part of any visit is not doable. But I've only

573
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:33,399
Speaker 3: met biomm in person two times and Biodad one time.

574
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,280
Speaker 3: As we also all live in different states. This is

575
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,879
Speaker 3: all still so new for everyone, including myself.

576
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:41,440
Speaker 6: And that is the end of that story.

577
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:43,879
Speaker 3: Wow, that's the other thing, like this is so new.

578
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:46,280
Speaker 3: Maybe just giving it the time to settle.

579
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it's probably just a lot of processing

580
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:50,159
Speaker 2: on fake tens.

581
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,480
Speaker 4: Yeah, totally. And that's the end of this story.

582
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,080
Speaker 3: We're gonna go to the next one.

583
00:24:55,119 --> 00:24:57,960
Speaker 5: My parents ignore me for decades, but now they want

584
00:24:58,040 --> 00:24:59,320
Speaker 5: a big birthday party.

585
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,760
Speaker 4: I'd also like a big birthday body.

586
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,959
Speaker 5: I'm in my thirties, twenty nine male, I am. I

587
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,399
Speaker 5: have an older brother male thirty two and a sister

588
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,760
Speaker 5: female twenty seven. My parents are close to sixty years old.

589
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:12,840
Speaker 5: By the way, this comes from user no Aspect two

590
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:14,720
Speaker 5: to one. And if you want to submit your own stories,

591
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:16,600
Speaker 5: go to the r slash Okay, storytime suppered it.

592
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,480
Speaker 6: I'm ke On and I'm Savannah, and we're here.

593
00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,399
Speaker 5: To give good advice goofily, But we don't have all

594
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:23,720
Speaker 5: the answers. We only know what we do, so please

595
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,880
Speaker 5: let us know what you do in the comments. As

596
00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:28,919
Speaker 5: Opie says, the shortest background I can give up is

597
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:30,879
Speaker 5: that when I was a child, my parents had to

598
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,400
Speaker 5: juggle between working raising us and somehow finding a bit

599
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:36,840
Speaker 5: of time for themselves. Being the middle child, it was

600
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,080
Speaker 5: a typical situation where I was too young for some

601
00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:42,240
Speaker 5: things and too old for others. My dad took on

602
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:45,120
Speaker 5: a greater role in being present for my brother, and

603
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:47,639
Speaker 5: my mom did the same with my sister. So I

604
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:51,320
Speaker 5: usually end up with whatever parent was free, or tagging

605
00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:53,480
Speaker 5: along with one who had an activity with one of

606
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:56,879
Speaker 5: my siblings that was closer to my age. Other times

607
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,960
Speaker 5: I had to rely on a relative or family friend.

608
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:03,199
Speaker 5: In general, it was fine. It wasn't like they neglected me.

609
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:06,240
Speaker 5: It's just that being the one who got passed around,

610
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,960
Speaker 5: I didn't develop a special bond like my brother has

611
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,920
Speaker 5: with my dad or my sister with my mom. Of course,

612
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,240
Speaker 5: there were moments when it hurt a little not to

613
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:16,760
Speaker 5: have that, but as a kid, you adapt and you

614
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:20,200
Speaker 5: get used to it. I grew more independent, of course.

615
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,439
Speaker 5: There were some times when I tried to be better

616
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,560
Speaker 5: than my siblings to see if I can get more attention,

617
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:27,200
Speaker 5: and other times I acted out for the same reason,

618
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:32,160
Speaker 5: but nothing ever changed. One day, at around twelve years old,

619
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:34,679
Speaker 5: I just got tired of the situation and decided to

620
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:38,000
Speaker 5: focus on doing the things I liked. A benefit of

621
00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:39,680
Speaker 5: being the middle child is that you fly a bit

622
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:42,199
Speaker 5: more under your parents' radar, so as a kid, I

623
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,639
Speaker 5: had a fair share of adventures. At the end of

624
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,720
Speaker 5: the day, my story is indifferent from that of many

625
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:49,840
Speaker 5: other middle children. Some empty seats at events, some half

626
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,560
Speaker 5: forgotten birthdays that were saved at the last minute with

627
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:55,679
Speaker 5: a store bought cake. Perhaps the hardest thing was that

628
00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:58,560
Speaker 5: a semester before graduating from high school, when I was

629
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,959
Speaker 5: preparing everything to go to college, my dad and I

630
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:04,080
Speaker 5: had a conversation where he explained to me that finances

631
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:06,919
Speaker 5: were tight and they had spent a significant amount of

632
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:10,080
Speaker 5: their savings to pay for my brother's college in housing.

633
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:13,240
Speaker 5: He wasn't in another city, so he didn't think he

634
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,399
Speaker 5: could afford to pay for mine. He said we should

635
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,080
Speaker 5: look for other financing options and that later on he

636
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:21,200
Speaker 5: would help me. Used to fending for myself, I got

637
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,680
Speaker 5: a job as a cashier in a store during the week,

638
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:27,040
Speaker 5: I waited tables on weekends and applied for a student loan.

639
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:30,480
Speaker 5: From then on, I didn't stop working until I graduated college.

640
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:34,120
Speaker 5: All the money went toward paying the loan's interest. Yeah,

641
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:37,879
Speaker 5: those suck. When I graduated, I was exhausted and the

642
00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:41,200
Speaker 5: worst was yet to come. Paying off the massive loan.

643
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,400
Speaker 5: I tightened my belt and over the last five years

644
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:47,080
Speaker 5: did everything possible to pay it off and over time

645
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:52,560
Speaker 5: side projects, and nearly four months ago, I finally finished

646
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:55,320
Speaker 5: paying it. The first thing I did wasn't to celebrate

647
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:58,320
Speaker 5: or anything. Instead, I only worked the required hours for

648
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:00,000
Speaker 5: the next month and spent the rest of my time

649
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:03,199
Speaker 5: I'm sleeping. Maybe I was a little depressed or it

650
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:05,840
Speaker 5: was just exhaustion. When the month passed, I got my

651
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:08,360
Speaker 5: paycheck and for the first time I saw money left

652
00:28:08,359 --> 00:28:12,520
Speaker 5: in my account, my mood changed. I felt much better,

653
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:15,440
Speaker 5: fulfilled in a way. Now I only had to work

654
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:17,920
Speaker 5: for my future. The first thing I did was celebrate

655
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:20,880
Speaker 5: with my family. I invited them to a nice restaurant,

656
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,960
Speaker 5: and when dessert came, I paused. I asked for their

657
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,879
Speaker 5: attention and told them that today and I was celebrating

658
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:29,280
Speaker 5: with the most important people in my life because I'd

659
00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:33,240
Speaker 5: finally finished paying off my student loan. And that's when

660
00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:37,040
Speaker 5: it all went to heck, my siblings had no idea

661
00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:41,000
Speaker 5: that my parents hadn't paid for my studies. Oh, my

662
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:44,040
Speaker 5: mom went silent, and my dad looked ashamed with the

663
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,840
Speaker 5: expression that was both sad and embarrassed. My dad told me,

664
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:50,080
Speaker 5: with a look of regret, to come over to the

665
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:52,080
Speaker 5: house during the week and that he would keep his

666
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:54,959
Speaker 5: promise to pay me back. It felt like I had

667
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:57,440
Speaker 5: had a bucket of cold water thrown on me. My

668
00:28:57,480 --> 00:28:59,400
Speaker 5: siblings had a look of guilt because I was the

669
00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:01,720
Speaker 5: only one who had to rely on a loan to study.

670
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:07,920
Speaker 5: My celebration my achievement overshadowed, not a congratulations or we're

671
00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:10,960
Speaker 5: proud of you, just to I'll pay you back, followed

672
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:16,400
Speaker 5: by uncomfortable silence. Needless to say, dessert didn't taste good

673
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:18,680
Speaker 5: and the dinner ended on a strange note.

674
00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:25,200
Speaker 6: Now, honestly, that reminds me of my dad actually, because

675
00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:29,480
Speaker 6: he is also one of four and also the third child,

676
00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:36,320
Speaker 6: and his parents paid for the all of their children's

677
00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:39,880
Speaker 6: like studies except for my dad for some.

678
00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:41,640
Speaker 4: Reason, but it really isn't a reason.

679
00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:44,560
Speaker 6: I don't know why. Yeah, so my dad like was

680
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:48,120
Speaker 6: the only one who had to pay for college, and did.

681
00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:50,040
Speaker 5: He bring that up to his like to your grandparents.

682
00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:51,080
Speaker 4: He just I don't.

683
00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,959
Speaker 6: I don't think so. Honestly, I think he was just

684
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:54,920
Speaker 6: like it is what it is.

685
00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:55,200
Speaker 4: I don't know.

686
00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:57,320
Speaker 6: It's not like they had like, you know, a vendetta

687
00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:00,440
Speaker 6: against him or anything. It's just I don't know happen.

688
00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:02,240
Speaker 6: It's a weird dynamic.

689
00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:06,959
Speaker 5: Interesting. Yeah, so is there like a weird like like

690
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:10,080
Speaker 5: he is everyone cool or he's like, still hold that

691
00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:12,840
Speaker 5: against him if you don't mind me asking, No, like nobody.

692
00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:15,480
Speaker 6: Like holds nobody holds that against him. Like he doesn't

693
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:17,520
Speaker 6: even hold it against him. He's like, yeah, whatever, you know,

694
00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:19,680
Speaker 6: I just had to work harder and like pay it off.

695
00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:21,880
Speaker 5: Yeah. Yeah, it's like I'm self sufficient. I you know,

696
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:22,800
Speaker 5: I did things, you know.

697
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:25,960
Speaker 6: Yeah, And he's not like, how dare you give me money?

698
00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:27,560
Speaker 4: You know type of thing.

699
00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:30,560
Speaker 6: But yeah, they play favorites in that family, so I

700
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:34,320
Speaker 6: don't know. Eh, it shows and unfortunately none of us

701
00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:35,080
Speaker 6: are the favorite.

702
00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:38,160
Speaker 5: Oh no. The walk to the parking lot wasn't any different.

703
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:40,560
Speaker 5: Over the next month, I didn't go to my parents'

704
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:44,040
Speaker 5: house and communication was minimal. Eventually, my sister visited me

705
00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:46,520
Speaker 5: to talk about it. At first, I didn't want to talk,

706
00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 5: but her persistence won me over, and finally the words

707
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:53,720
Speaker 5: started to come out. Everything, the little oversights, the lack

708
00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:56,320
Speaker 5: of a bond, the empty chair, is in many other things,

709
00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:59,360
Speaker 5: always clarifying that I love my parents, but it hurts

710
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:02,200
Speaker 5: that even this time they couldn't congratulate me and feel

711
00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:05,120
Speaker 5: proud of me. That my reason for celebrating was a

712
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:08,400
Speaker 5: reason for their shame, and I'm hurt by that. I

713
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:10,400
Speaker 5: told her I needed some time to process things before

714
00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:13,280
Speaker 5: going back to family lunches and other activities we used

715
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:15,680
Speaker 5: to do. A couple of weeks later, I went to

716
00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:18,760
Speaker 5: the family lunch and things got awkward. My parents were

717
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:21,840
Speaker 5: overly interested in my life. They were over compensating, with

718
00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:25,240
Speaker 5: compliments coming non stop, which quickly started to annoy me,

719
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:27,719
Speaker 5: and I asked them to stop the show and go

720
00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:30,320
Speaker 5: back to how things were before. My mom told me

721
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:33,040
Speaker 5: she was sorry and that they were trying to make

722
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:35,760
Speaker 5: things right. I explained that there was nothing to fix,

723
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:38,320
Speaker 5: that our relationship is what it is, and that there's

724
00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:40,720
Speaker 5: nothing wrong with it, and that trying to change it

725
00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:44,200
Speaker 5: now feels pointless and makes me uncomfortable. My silving's trying

726
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:46,000
Speaker 5: to lighten the mood. But I think this is something

727
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:48,840
Speaker 5: we need to take slowly and let things return to

728
00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:52,720
Speaker 5: normal on their own. Anyway, my thirtieth birthday is around

729
00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:54,640
Speaker 5: the corner, and I just found out that my family's

730
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:58,280
Speaker 5: planning a big party with friends and family. Twenty nine years,

731
00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:01,200
Speaker 5: all my celebrations have been small. Why would I want

732
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:04,680
Speaker 5: a big social event? Now it's too much. I spoke

733
00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:06,680
Speaker 5: with my dad and told them to stop. That our

734
00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:10,080
Speaker 5: relationship is what it is, and honestly, this new extra

735
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:13,959
Speaker 5: loving and involved parents angle isn't natural. I have them

736
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:16,160
Speaker 5: to please cancel the party and just have something small,

737
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:18,800
Speaker 5: just the five of us, and if my siblings want,

738
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:21,480
Speaker 5: they can bring their partners, but nothing more. We're almost

739
00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:23,600
Speaker 5: thirty years deep, and now you want to show me

740
00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:24,960
Speaker 5: all this love, Mom and Dad.

741
00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:28,240
Speaker 4: I don't know. I just feel like they like.

742
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:31,000
Speaker 6: I mean, I understand that they like, maybe they didn't

743
00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:33,720
Speaker 6: realize it at the time, and plus like the other

744
00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:37,520
Speaker 6: thing that I don't like that I don't like is

745
00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:41,680
Speaker 6: like I don't know if op ever tried to like

746
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:45,120
Speaker 6: state how they feel and they just assumed that they

747
00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:47,719
Speaker 6: were doing that on purpose. And then now, like all

748
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:49,240
Speaker 6: of a sudden, they're like, oh my god, we didn't

749
00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:52,400
Speaker 6: realize that, you know, cause sometimes you don't notice something

750
00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:54,840
Speaker 6: when you're like in the moment or doing it and

751
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:58,080
Speaker 6: you know, just being like everything's fine, Like I didn't

752
00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:01,160
Speaker 6: realize that I was putting extra tension towards these other

753
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:05,560
Speaker 6: kids or whatever, and you know, and then for you

754
00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:07,360
Speaker 6: to be like, yeah, it's all your fault blah. But

755
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:10,480
Speaker 6: like I feel, I feel for the parents. I also

756
00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:12,840
Speaker 6: understand where Opie's coming from. I don't think that they're

757
00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:15,840
Speaker 6: wrong in feeling how they feel. I think it's completely validated.

758
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:19,680
Speaker 6: But I also think that you know, you ask for

759
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:21,959
Speaker 6: the you kind of like wanted them to be more present,

760
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:23,680
Speaker 6: but now that they're giving you attention, you're like, ooh,

761
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:24,200
Speaker 6: this is weird.

762
00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:26,600
Speaker 4: I don't like it. So it's like double edged sword.

763
00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:30,280
Speaker 5: Yeah, And I feel like Opie tried to communicate this

764
00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:34,720
Speaker 5: as a child and was like, you know, that's it.

765
00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:37,760
Speaker 5: This is what I'm used to. This is the treatment

766
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:38,880
Speaker 5: I'm gonna get.

767
00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:42,760
Speaker 6: And maybe they didn't, but yeah they don't, because how

768
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,600
Speaker 6: they were talking to saying like they would, you know,

769
00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:46,640
Speaker 6: try to get extra attention or try to like act

770
00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:47,760
Speaker 6: out to get extra attention.

771
00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:49,080
Speaker 5: Or they never got it. Yeah.

772
00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:53,040
Speaker 6: Yeah, So it's like I don't know, like when I

773
00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:54,880
Speaker 6: guess you're a child, so you didn't know you could

774
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:58,960
Speaker 6: just literally communicate that, but like, you know, and it's

775
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:03,400
Speaker 6: weird that like that family dinner was where that whole

776
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:06,560
Speaker 6: thing kind of blew up in it. Yeah, and then

777
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:09,080
Speaker 6: that does suck that they like took away from your

778
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:11,920
Speaker 6: like you know, big moment of like, oh my god,

779
00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:13,000
Speaker 6: I paid off my student loans.

780
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:14,120
Speaker 4: Whoo and now everyone's like.

781
00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:16,400
Speaker 5: What you had student loans?

782
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:18,040
Speaker 4: Yeah, what's that? What's that like?

783
00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:21,439
Speaker 5: Again, I don't think it's it's not on your brother,

784
00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:24,279
Speaker 5: it's on your sister. It's definitely on your parents that

785
00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:27,719
Speaker 5: they did fail you. You know you you you know

786
00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:31,400
Speaker 5: this made you who you are today and you worked

787
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:34,560
Speaker 5: your butt off. So I'm proud of you, and I

788
00:34:34,600 --> 00:34:36,319
Speaker 5: know you're proud of yourself. And I don't think you

789
00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:38,359
Speaker 5: need your parents to be like, ah, I don't need this.

790
00:34:38,760 --> 00:34:40,279
Speaker 5: I feel like they're gonna be love bombing you for

791
00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:42,360
Speaker 5: a while because they're gonna try and make up for

792
00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:44,759
Speaker 5: the last twenty nine years or twenty eight years or

793
00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:47,960
Speaker 5: you know, however many years that they really failed you

794
00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:51,200
Speaker 5: as parents. So let's go in for the story. Now.

795
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:53,960
Speaker 5: My parents are sad, my brother is uncomfortable, and my

796
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:57,640
Speaker 5: sister is angry because I'm not letting them fix things. Dang,

797
00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:01,960
Speaker 5: they're a bit late, like twenty years late. I love

798
00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:04,560
Speaker 5: my family, but the relationship they now want to have

799
00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:08,960
Speaker 5: with me isn't my thing. Besides, I feel like they're

800
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:11,160
Speaker 5: doing it more for themselves to feel better rather than

801
00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:13,680
Speaker 5: for me. Anyway, That's how things are in my life

802
00:35:13,719 --> 00:35:16,879
Speaker 5: right now. I don't expect a magical solution. Feel free

803
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:19,000
Speaker 5: to share your thoughts. Can you think of any way

804
00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:20,880
Speaker 5: to get things back to how they were? And that

805
00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:21,800
Speaker 5: is the end of that story.

806
00:35:22,719 --> 00:35:23,960
Speaker 1: Hey, it's Sam, your og host.

807
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:24,120
Speaker 3: Here.

808
00:35:24,160 --> 00:35:25,719
Speaker 1: We're gonna get back to the stories. But here's three

809
00:35:25,719 --> 00:35:27,080
Speaker 1: minutes of ads from our sponsors.

810
00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:31,480
Speaker 6: My cousin's friends tried to sabotage my engagement, and now

811
00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:33,200
Speaker 6: I'm planning a petty revenge.

812
00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:34,480
Speaker 5: Revenge is not the Jedi way.

813
00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:39,000
Speaker 6: I twenty one female, transferred across the country about two

814
00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:41,759
Speaker 6: years ago to finish my degree at a difficult college.

815
00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:45,440
Speaker 6: My cousin, twenty two male, was literally the only person

816
00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:48,000
Speaker 6: I knew at that university, and honestly one of the

817
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:50,719
Speaker 6: only people I knew in the entire city. By the way,

818
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:53,760
Speaker 6: this comes from you character Dentist sixty four to twenty

819
00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:56,359
Speaker 6: and if you wanted some in your own stories, go

820
00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:59,520
Speaker 6: to the r slash okay storytime subreddit. I am Savannah,

821
00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:02,880
Speaker 6: I'm key On, and we're here to give advice goofully,

822
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:05,960
Speaker 6: but we do not have all the answers. We would

823
00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:07,760
Speaker 6: love to know what you would do in the comments,

824
00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:10,200
Speaker 6: as we would tell you what we would do right now.

825
00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:14,040
Speaker 6: As oh Pece says, I wasn't expecting him to be

826
00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:16,200
Speaker 6: my best friend or anything, but I did hope he

827
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,560
Speaker 6: would at least help me get connected to a community

828
00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:20,799
Speaker 6: or introduce me to some of his friends since he

829
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,640
Speaker 6: has lived there his whole life most of his friends

830
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:26,840
Speaker 6: are girls. Instead, he refused to introduce me to anyone,

831
00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:29,600
Speaker 6: barely acknowledged me when we passed each other on campus,

832
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:32,359
Speaker 6: and never acted like I existed, even though we were

833
00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:35,440
Speaker 6: in a lot of the same activities. I didn't make

834
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:37,800
Speaker 6: a big deal of it because I am pretty social

835
00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:40,879
Speaker 6: and just accepted that.

836
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:41,000
Speaker 4: That is how he is.

837
00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:43,759
Speaker 6: We also didn't grow up together because our family is

838
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:46,360
Speaker 6: huge and we lived on opposite sides of the country.

839
00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:49,920
Speaker 6: Things changed when we both got into serious relationships in

840
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:54,120
Speaker 6: his friend group got even more exclusive. People outside of

841
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:57,000
Speaker 6: it literally call it the campus cult. One of the

842
00:36:57,040 --> 00:37:00,759
Speaker 6: members runs this fifty plus person group chat that is

843
00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:03,439
Speaker 6: mainly for parties and events they host. I don't live

844
00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:06,240
Speaker 6: on campus, so I used it mostly to stay updated

845
00:37:06,239 --> 00:37:09,200
Speaker 6: and interact with the few people in it I was

846
00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:14,920
Speaker 6: actually friends with. Last summer, my boyfriend now fiance, and

847
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:18,719
Speaker 6: I got engaged. This was a little controversial to the

848
00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:23,560
Speaker 6: cult because one of their members is my fiance's ex.

849
00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:26,520
Speaker 6: We knew some people wouldn't love it because our engagement

850
00:37:26,560 --> 00:37:29,640
Speaker 6: is short, but it is not unheard of in our community.

851
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:32,520
Speaker 6: I didn't expect it to explode the way it did.

852
00:37:33,440 --> 00:37:36,719
Speaker 6: About a month ago, my cousin started talking to relatives

853
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:40,200
Speaker 6: saying she thought my fiance was neglecting me, pressuring me

854
00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:43,240
Speaker 6: into things, money obsessed, and that he hated the family

855
00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:46,800
Speaker 6: he was marrying into. None of this is even close

856
00:37:46,920 --> 00:37:50,040
Speaker 6: to true. When we told our close friends, they literally

857
00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:53,239
Speaker 6: laughed at how absurd it was. But it still led

858
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:55,760
Speaker 6: to people second guessing the wedding and pulling me aside,

859
00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:57,600
Speaker 6: trying to talk me out of it, and it put

860
00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:00,480
Speaker 6: a lot of strain on us during planning. When I

861
00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:04,000
Speaker 6: asked my aunt where she heard this, she said through

862
00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:09,120
Speaker 6: the grapevine, which obviously means someone was saying things. I

863
00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:11,520
Speaker 6: tried to brush it off, but then last week, out

864
00:38:11,520 --> 00:38:14,560
Speaker 6: of nowhere, I got removed from that fifty plus person

865
00:38:14,600 --> 00:38:17,440
Speaker 6: group chat. I didn't think I had any beef with

866
00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:20,080
Speaker 6: the cult. Friends who were still in the group chat

867
00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:23,279
Speaker 6: told me the host, twenty two non binary, said my

868
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:28,279
Speaker 6: personality didn't fit in that not that kind of personality

869
00:38:28,719 --> 00:38:31,800
Speaker 6: belonged in the group. When my friends asked what that meant,

870
00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:35,880
Speaker 6: they couldn't explain it. So I approached the person directly

871
00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:39,000
Speaker 6: and asked what they meant. They told me some people

872
00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:42,000
Speaker 6: fit in, some people don't, and it is those that

873
00:38:42,080 --> 00:38:45,640
Speaker 6: fit in that bring value to being accepted, which like

874
00:38:46,239 --> 00:38:49,880
Speaker 6: what they also said, there were quite a few people

875
00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:53,000
Speaker 6: who didn't want me in the group at all. Oh,

876
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:56,000
Speaker 6: then they said they didn't act alone, that a group

877
00:38:56,080 --> 00:39:01,280
Speaker 6: supported moving me and the public humiliation, but they couldn't

878
00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:05,480
Speaker 6: tell me who. I specifically asked if my cousin was involved,

879
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:09,640
Speaker 6: and they said he was there, but not directly involved. Well,

880
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:11,480
Speaker 6: if you're there, then you are directly involved.

881
00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:13,879
Speaker 5: I also hate how they're like, yeah, so like you're

882
00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:16,480
Speaker 5: out of the You're out of this cult. No more

883
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:19,200
Speaker 5: parties for you. By the way, there's like a lot

884
00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:21,280
Speaker 5: like if there's like a handful of people who don't

885
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:24,520
Speaker 5: like you, and that's the reasoning. We can't tell you who,

886
00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:27,759
Speaker 5: but if you like ask, we can, like you know,

887
00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:30,240
Speaker 5: beat around the bush like, oh, is your cousin involved?

888
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:34,160
Speaker 5: Kinda is? You want to keep asking, but you're like,

889
00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:36,319
Speaker 5: you're not in this cult anymore, Like why do you like?

890
00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:40,160
Speaker 5: Why just why are we telling this to ope? I

891
00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:42,200
Speaker 5: don't know, this seems all dumb. Uh.

892
00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:44,879
Speaker 6: Later it came out that the whole group had been

893
00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:48,440
Speaker 6: judging my marriage and saying my fiance didn't ask my

894
00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:52,640
Speaker 6: dad for my hand, went against his wishes, that I

895
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:55,919
Speaker 6: could do better, that he is immature and neglectful, and

896
00:39:56,040 --> 00:39:59,080
Speaker 6: other things very close to the things my aunt was repeating.

897
00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:02,640
Speaker 6: And there is more. Knowing my cousin was there also

898
00:40:02,719 --> 00:40:07,560
Speaker 6: heavily implies that his girlfriend was too. She hasn't been

899
00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:10,719
Speaker 6: innocent either. She has tried to make me feel like

900
00:40:10,719 --> 00:40:13,719
Speaker 6: an outsider at family gatherings and treats my fiance like

901
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:17,360
Speaker 6: one too. She got to attend the last family reunion,

902
00:40:17,400 --> 00:40:21,719
Speaker 6: but my fiance and I couldn't due to finances, so

903
00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:25,359
Speaker 6: he still hasn't met most of my extended family. At

904
00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:27,560
Speaker 6: the next event, she came up to him and asked

905
00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:30,000
Speaker 6: how it feels to be an outsider and reminded him

906
00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:33,000
Speaker 6: he still hasn't even met all of them, which was

907
00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:37,600
Speaker 6: super unhelpful while he was already trying to navigate meeting everyone. Yeah,

908
00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:38,400
Speaker 6: why did she say that?

909
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:41,320
Speaker 5: Refreshment? My memory is that the one who dated Op's

910
00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:42,600
Speaker 5: fiance is that the X.

911
00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:46,040
Speaker 6: I don't think so. They just said that the ex

912
00:40:46,239 --> 00:40:50,319
Speaker 6: was in the group chat. I don't think that they were.

913
00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:53,400
Speaker 6: That the cousin is dating the X.

914
00:40:53,640 --> 00:40:56,880
Speaker 5: I don't think that was Is that double check? Maybe

915
00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:59,640
Speaker 5: that's what it is. That's how much have I read

916
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:02,560
Speaker 5: of this? Probably most of it, even though that is

917
00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:06,080
Speaker 5: the case? Or who? Who is she? Who are you?

918
00:41:07,239 --> 00:41:10,280
Speaker 5: I'm sorry, you're just a girlfriend. This is fiance.

919
00:41:10,440 --> 00:41:12,800
Speaker 6: By the way, when we are in groups of women,

920
00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:16,560
Speaker 6: she often ignores what I say completely and redirect conversations

921
00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:19,560
Speaker 6: to herself or to things I am not part of.

922
00:41:20,360 --> 00:41:22,520
Speaker 6: It makes me feel like I don't belong in my

923
00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:25,960
Speaker 6: own family. I know I might sound like I'm overthinking it.

924
00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:29,080
Speaker 6: But it really feels like they either hate us, are jealous,

925
00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:31,680
Speaker 6: or want me pushed out of a family. I already

926
00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:35,560
Speaker 6: struggle to feel connected to There is another update.

927
00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:37,080
Speaker 4: Wa wait think her.

928
00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:41,400
Speaker 5: This girl just sounds like a full on hater and

929
00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:44,719
Speaker 5: the best way to, you know, to go about this

930
00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:46,279
Speaker 5: is just let them hate and just ignore them.

931
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:48,960
Speaker 6: Yeah, it sounds like there's like weird competition going on,

932
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:51,400
Speaker 6: Like maybe she feels like she has to like prove herself.

933
00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:54,680
Speaker 5: I think she's just jealous that she's still considered girlfriend.

934
00:41:55,239 --> 00:41:59,000
Speaker 4: Yeah, oh that too. Yeah, I don't know how long

935
00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:00,759
Speaker 4: that relationship is going, but she.

936
00:42:00,719 --> 00:42:04,480
Speaker 5: Just considers her like I'm a girl. I don't care.

937
00:42:04,680 --> 00:42:07,680
Speaker 6: Yeah, like rubbing it in his face, like I'm at

938
00:42:07,680 --> 00:42:08,440
Speaker 6: the whole family.

939
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:09,960
Speaker 4: How does it feel like?

940
00:42:10,040 --> 00:42:12,360
Speaker 5: I'm like, I don't know, I'm here meeting the whole family.

941
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:13,799
Speaker 4: I don't know, eventually I'll meet them.

942
00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:15,319
Speaker 5: Like, I'm like, how does it feel not to be

943
00:42:15,719 --> 00:42:16,320
Speaker 5: a fiance?

944
00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:17,160
Speaker 4: Yeah?

945
00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:18,120
Speaker 6: Oh?

946
00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:20,400
Speaker 5: How does it feel to be still called girlfriend?

947
00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:24,240
Speaker 4: Huh? That's crazy?

948
00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:26,319
Speaker 5: I gotta ring on my finger. What do you got?

949
00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:27,400
Speaker 4: How does this feel.

950
00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:29,400
Speaker 5: Between the lines?

951
00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:30,640
Speaker 4: That's crazy?

952
00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:34,320
Speaker 6: Now, this is where I might be the a hole

953
00:42:34,880 --> 00:42:38,440
Speaker 6: not inviting them or disinviting them would cause huge drama

954
00:42:38,560 --> 00:42:42,359
Speaker 6: and be almost impossible to justify. But I could place

955
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:44,600
Speaker 6: them at a table with people they think aren't cool

956
00:42:44,719 --> 00:42:46,880
Speaker 6: enough for their little cult and seat them far away

957
00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:50,000
Speaker 6: from the main family tables. That way, I don't have

958
00:42:50,040 --> 00:42:51,759
Speaker 6: to be near them, and I don't have to watch

959
00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:55,440
Speaker 6: them act like VIPs at my own wedding. Part of

960
00:42:55,480 --> 00:42:57,319
Speaker 6: me wants to humble them and give them a taste

961
00:42:57,360 --> 00:43:00,120
Speaker 6: of their own medicine. But is that too far? Am

962
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:03,000
Speaker 6: I just causing drama for no reason? Is what they

963
00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:06,200
Speaker 6: have done not bad enough for me to justify doing this?

964
00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:08,959
Speaker 6: Would I be the a hole if I put them

965
00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:10,240
Speaker 6: at the worst table?

966
00:43:11,160 --> 00:43:11,359
Speaker 4: Oh?

967
00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:14,760
Speaker 6: There are some comments. Comment one, You are an adult.

968
00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:17,520
Speaker 6: You need to make decisions as an adult. Some childish

969
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:19,880
Speaker 6: bunch of kids are making up stuff about you, and

970
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:22,880
Speaker 6: some of your relatives believe it. Tell your aunt that

971
00:43:22,960 --> 00:43:26,360
Speaker 6: what she hears through the grapevines is lies and rumors

972
00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:30,200
Speaker 6: that your cousin has decided he was too cool for you,

973
00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:33,200
Speaker 6: which is fair enough. Then tell your cousin he is

974
00:43:33,239 --> 00:43:36,440
Speaker 6: absolutely allowed to not like you, that his girlfriend is

975
00:43:36,520 --> 00:43:39,600
Speaker 6: absolutely allowed to try and be better than your fiance.

976
00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:43,640
Speaker 6: But that your fiance and yourself are not thirteen anymore

977
00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:46,719
Speaker 6: and as such are not interested in seeing them more

978
00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:51,320
Speaker 6: than necessary, So they are uninvited from your wedding. Ooh,

979
00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:54,279
Speaker 6: this is childish drama. Take your distances.

980
00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:58,279
Speaker 5: Oh wow, Yeah, I mean I feel like you don't

981
00:43:58,280 --> 00:44:01,640
Speaker 5: have to be able with that extreme Yeah. I mean, you know,

982
00:44:02,160 --> 00:44:06,080
Speaker 5: not saying anything is saying something or just like ignoring them.

983
00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:09,640
Speaker 5: It will probably get them riled up because like they're

984
00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:12,239
Speaker 5: not getting emotion out of you. Do whatever you need,

985
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:14,200
Speaker 5: but you don't need to stoop to their level. I

986
00:44:14,239 --> 00:44:17,040
Speaker 5: think it's I say this all the time. It gets

987
00:44:17,160 --> 00:44:22,640
Speaker 5: your wedding, your rules. If it's gonna you know, appease

988
00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:25,480
Speaker 5: your mind of not having them there, don't invite them.

989
00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:27,680
Speaker 5: If it's gonna cause drama and it's gonna be really

990
00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:30,640
Speaker 5: annoying down the line in the long term. Invite them

991
00:44:31,480 --> 00:44:34,920
Speaker 5: and put them out whatever you want. Who cares. I

992
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:36,839
Speaker 5: think you're giving way too much energy into them that

993
00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:39,600
Speaker 5: they don't deserve. And that's the end of his story.

994
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:42,640
Speaker 5: We're gonna go on to the next one. My sister

995
00:44:42,800 --> 00:44:46,000
Speaker 5: wronged me, but my mother demands that I apologize.

996
00:44:46,640 --> 00:44:49,080
Speaker 6: No, not apologizing, screw you.

997
00:44:49,400 --> 00:44:49,480
Speaker 3: So.

998
00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:53,120
Speaker 5: Yesterday my twenty female mother and I had a huge

999
00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:55,840
Speaker 5: fight through text and it escalated so fast that she

1000
00:44:55,920 --> 00:44:59,240
Speaker 5: ended up threatening to cut me off completely. What happened

1001
00:44:59,239 --> 00:45:02,400
Speaker 5: in those texts. It wasn't the first time a disagreement

1002
00:45:02,560 --> 00:45:05,720
Speaker 5: turned into something dramatic, but this one left me feeling

1003
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:08,160
Speaker 5: more defeated than usual. By the way, this comes from

1004
00:45:08,239 --> 00:45:09,960
Speaker 5: user lever sinks and if you want to suit your

1005
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:12,279
Speaker 5: own stories code r slash. Okay, sorry, time subpured it.

1006
00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:15,080
Speaker 6: I'm Keon and I'm Savannah and we're here to.

1007
00:45:15,040 --> 00:45:17,920
Speaker 5: Give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers.

1008
00:45:18,080 --> 00:45:20,520
Speaker 5: We only know what we do, so please let us

1009
00:45:20,520 --> 00:45:23,000
Speaker 5: know what you'd do in the comments. As Opie says,

1010
00:45:23,239 --> 00:45:26,439
Speaker 5: the whole thing started because my mom, my grandmother, and

1011
00:45:26,480 --> 00:45:29,920
Speaker 5: my sister were messaging me non stop about coming home

1012
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:33,520
Speaker 5: to the province to continue my studies there. Since classes

1013
00:45:33,520 --> 00:45:35,799
Speaker 5: are online now, they think there's no point in me

1014
00:45:35,920 --> 00:45:39,400
Speaker 5: staying in the city. I've been living with my boyfriend

1015
00:45:39,440 --> 00:45:42,239
Speaker 5: and his parents since the start of the pandemic. Ah.

1016
00:45:42,719 --> 00:45:45,320
Speaker 5: They've always made it clear that they don't mind having

1017
00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:47,680
Speaker 5: me around and actually preferred over me staying in my

1018
00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:51,560
Speaker 5: old dorm. My dorm is really secluded. The signal there

1019
00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:53,759
Speaker 5: is terrible and it would be hard for me to

1020
00:45:53,800 --> 00:45:57,560
Speaker 5: contact anyone. Living with my boyfriend's family has been easier

1021
00:45:57,600 --> 00:46:00,600
Speaker 5: and more stable overall, but every time time I say

1022
00:46:00,640 --> 00:46:03,520
Speaker 5: I don't want to go home, they push harder. The

1023
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:07,520
Speaker 5: main reason I refuse is my sister. Our relationship isn't

1024
00:46:07,520 --> 00:46:09,920
Speaker 5: good and she has said and done things that made

1025
00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:14,640
Speaker 5: me feel genuinely unsafe around her. Huh. I told my

1026
00:46:14,680 --> 00:46:17,640
Speaker 5: mother this over and over, but she keeps insisting that

1027
00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:22,240
Speaker 5: I should just forgive her and apologize for the sake

1028
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:25,000
Speaker 5: of keeping the peace. My mom refuses to acknowledge the

1029
00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:27,440
Speaker 5: things my sister did or the affect it had on me.

1030
00:46:28,120 --> 00:46:31,080
Speaker 5: She wants me to lower my pride, step up, and

1031
00:46:31,120 --> 00:46:33,759
Speaker 5: be the one to initiate a conversation, as if none

1032
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:37,200
Speaker 5: of the history matters. I said that before anything else,

1033
00:46:37,360 --> 00:46:42,000
Speaker 5: I want a genuine apology from my sister, but nothing

1034
00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:45,160
Speaker 5: ever happens. She just carries on like everything is normal.

1035
00:46:45,760 --> 00:46:48,480
Speaker 5: While we were chatting yesterday, I told my mom plainly

1036
00:46:48,520 --> 00:46:51,279
Speaker 5: that I felt pressured. Every time they call me. They

1037
00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:54,400
Speaker 5: make comments that chip away at my confidence, things like

1038
00:46:55,120 --> 00:46:57,520
Speaker 5: things like it's embarrassing that I've stayed with my boyfriend's

1039
00:46:57,520 --> 00:47:00,720
Speaker 5: family for so long that his parents are probably tired

1040
00:47:00,719 --> 00:47:03,440
Speaker 5: of me, and that they might be talking behind my back.

1041
00:47:03,760 --> 00:47:06,120
Speaker 5: They kept saying I should go back to my dorm instead,

1042
00:47:06,239 --> 00:47:08,880
Speaker 5: or that I should spend my birthday alone there instead

1043
00:47:08,880 --> 00:47:12,439
Speaker 5: of staying where I feel welcomed. I explain that hearing

1044
00:47:12,440 --> 00:47:15,600
Speaker 5: those things hurts because it makes me feel unwanted, or

1045
00:47:15,640 --> 00:47:18,920
Speaker 5: like I'm causing problems by simply trying to study in peace.

1046
00:47:19,840 --> 00:47:22,200
Speaker 5: My mother's reaction was to ask why I thought she

1047
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:25,480
Speaker 5: was embarrassed of me. She said she isn't embarrassed, She

1048
00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:28,120
Speaker 5: just cares about what other people might think of the situation.

1049
00:47:28,400 --> 00:47:30,480
Speaker 5: She said she'd rather have me stay with my sister

1050
00:47:30,520 --> 00:47:34,240
Speaker 5: and my grandmother than with my boyfriend's parents. She said,

1051
00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:36,359
Speaker 5: I'm the one pushing them away because I don't talk

1052
00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:38,479
Speaker 5: to them much. But it's not because I don't care.

1053
00:47:38,840 --> 00:47:41,560
Speaker 5: It's because every time I open up, they criticize me,

1054
00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:45,120
Speaker 5: immediately point out what I'm doing wrong, or talk about

1055
00:47:45,160 --> 00:47:47,920
Speaker 5: me behind my back. It becomes draining trying to connect

1056
00:47:47,920 --> 00:47:50,879
Speaker 5: with people who only noticed your flaws. When I told

1057
00:47:50,920 --> 00:47:53,240
Speaker 5: her years ago that I had been diagnosed with depression

1058
00:47:53,400 --> 00:47:57,200
Speaker 5: and anxiety, she just brushed it off. She said she

1059
00:47:57,280 --> 00:48:00,480
Speaker 5: had gone through the same thing but just got She

1060
00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:02,640
Speaker 5: made it sound like I was being dramatic or just

1061
00:48:02,719 --> 00:48:05,680
Speaker 5: choosing to struggle. When I once left home because of

1062
00:48:05,680 --> 00:48:08,400
Speaker 5: a bad argument with my sister, I tried to explain

1063
00:48:08,440 --> 00:48:12,239
Speaker 5: the situation, but my mom didn't hear any of it.

1064
00:48:12,880 --> 00:48:15,200
Speaker 5: She just got upset with me, said harsh things and

1065
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:18,680
Speaker 5: hung up. Yesterday, when I told her that I didn't

1066
00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:20,960
Speaker 5: feel heard and that I needed to then that I

1067
00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:23,520
Speaker 5: needed her to listen and not assume the worst, she

1068
00:48:24,080 --> 00:48:27,239
Speaker 5: acted like I was blaming her for everything. I kept

1069
00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:29,880
Speaker 5: saying that I didn't blame her, that I understood she

1070
00:48:29,960 --> 00:48:33,040
Speaker 5: was doing what she believed was just best. I just

1071
00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:36,399
Speaker 5: wanted her to understand how her words affect me. But

1072
00:48:36,440 --> 00:48:40,040
Speaker 5: instead she said, since I say I don't have a family,

1073
00:48:40,280 --> 00:48:42,359
Speaker 5: maybe it's time I learn what it's like to really

1074
00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:45,200
Speaker 5: be on my own and provide for myself. I never

1075
00:48:45,239 --> 00:48:47,239
Speaker 5: said I didn't have a family. I said I felt

1076
00:48:47,320 --> 00:48:50,640
Speaker 5: unsupported and wanted a family who actually listened instead of

1077
00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:54,239
Speaker 5: tearing me down. She said she was struggling too, and

1078
00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:57,040
Speaker 5: that she's probably the loneliest person in the world. Even

1079
00:48:57,080 --> 00:48:59,920
Speaker 5: if she doesn't say it out loud. At that point,

1080
00:49:00,120 --> 00:49:02,239
Speaker 5: I just felt numb. I don't trust anyone in my

1081
00:49:02,239 --> 00:49:05,760
Speaker 5: family anymore. They constantly talk about each other behind their backs.

1082
00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:08,840
Speaker 5: They point out every mistake, but get defensive when you

1083
00:49:08,880 --> 00:49:12,040
Speaker 5: mention anything they might have done wrong. They don't offer

1084
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:15,359
Speaker 5: comfort when you're at your lowest. They expect loyalty without

1085
00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:18,360
Speaker 5: giving any return, and they refuse to accept responsibility for

1086
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:21,480
Speaker 5: the way their actions affect the people around them. Now,

1087
00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:24,120
Speaker 5: my mother has made a group chat with me, her

1088
00:49:24,480 --> 00:49:27,920
Speaker 5: and my sister. She wants me to talk to my

1089
00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:30,879
Speaker 5: sister like nothing happened. I don't want to do that.

1090
00:49:31,600 --> 00:49:33,360
Speaker 5: I don't want another cycle where I get blamed for

1091
00:49:33,400 --> 00:49:37,359
Speaker 5: emotions I've already explained a thousand times. I don't want

1092
00:49:37,360 --> 00:49:39,680
Speaker 5: to pretend I'm okay being around someone who hurt me

1093
00:49:39,760 --> 00:49:43,640
Speaker 5: deeply without even acknowledging it before we continue. You it

1094
00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:46,200
Speaker 5: just sounds like your mom has a favorite, and that's

1095
00:49:46,239 --> 00:49:46,640
Speaker 5: your sister.

1096
00:49:46,960 --> 00:49:51,080
Speaker 6: It also seems like your mom just doesn't want any conflict,

1097
00:49:51,360 --> 00:49:55,120
Speaker 6: and she very much cares about the family image, and

1098
00:49:55,160 --> 00:49:57,200
Speaker 6: so she knows that if there is comment, you're going

1099
00:49:57,239 --> 00:50:00,799
Speaker 6: to talk about it, and they talk obviously they talk

1100
00:50:00,840 --> 00:50:03,000
Speaker 6: about it, but they probably only talk to their to

1101
00:50:03,080 --> 00:50:06,279
Speaker 6: each other. You have another outlet, and so I think

1102
00:50:06,320 --> 00:50:09,359
Speaker 6: that they are like, oh, the boyfriend probably thinks we're

1103
00:50:09,360 --> 00:50:10,880
Speaker 6: a bad family and bad people.

1104
00:50:10,880 --> 00:50:12,560
Speaker 4: What we're not, you know, blah blah blah.

1105
00:50:12,560 --> 00:50:14,919
Speaker 6: But you know, in hindsight, like what you're doing talking

1106
00:50:14,920 --> 00:50:17,600
Speaker 6: behind people's backs and not like justifying their feelings or

1107
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:20,759
Speaker 6: you know whatever like that, that is not being good

1108
00:50:20,840 --> 00:50:23,640
Speaker 6: to someone, especially you know, your family.

1109
00:50:23,880 --> 00:50:25,919
Speaker 5: Out of everyone here, I feel like your mom's doing

1110
00:50:26,000 --> 00:50:30,920
Speaker 5: the most and the worst by just not acknowledging anything

1111
00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:33,480
Speaker 5: and just saying like okay, I do. I feel like

1112
00:50:33,520 --> 00:50:36,760
Speaker 5: it's a competition between OPI and her mom where she's like, okay,

1113
00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:40,240
Speaker 5: I did that too, and I sucked it up, like okay,

1114
00:50:40,360 --> 00:50:45,520
Speaker 5: I'm lonely, so what like I can't acknowledge what you feel? Yeah,

1115
00:50:45,520 --> 00:50:46,880
Speaker 5: she kind of feel bad for me.

1116
00:50:47,440 --> 00:50:50,200
Speaker 6: It seems like she gets like mad or like Judgie

1117
00:50:50,400 --> 00:50:54,320
Speaker 6: if you like, choose to react differently than she would.

1118
00:50:54,920 --> 00:50:58,080
Speaker 6: And but that's just how people are obviously, Like I'm

1119
00:50:58,080 --> 00:51:01,120
Speaker 6: gonna react different than my I'm allm's going to react

1120
00:51:01,160 --> 00:51:05,240
Speaker 6: in certain situations, like you know, but other situations maybe

1121
00:51:05,239 --> 00:51:07,200
Speaker 6: will react the same, like that's just how it is.

1122
00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:09,200
Speaker 6: I don't know, like, not everyone is the same. You

1123
00:51:09,239 --> 00:51:11,680
Speaker 6: gotta like just that's how it is.

1124
00:51:11,960 --> 00:51:14,640
Speaker 5: And she's just treating it like it's nothing when it's

1125
00:51:14,640 --> 00:51:17,160
Speaker 5: not nothing. Yeah, back to the story. I don't want

1126
00:51:17,160 --> 00:51:19,480
Speaker 5: to be forced into a conversation where my feelings get

1127
00:51:19,520 --> 00:51:23,080
Speaker 5: dismissed again. I've begged my mother in the past to

1128
00:51:23,160 --> 00:51:26,400
Speaker 5: let me seek proper help. I was diagnosed with major

1129
00:51:26,440 --> 00:51:29,719
Speaker 5: depressive disorder in twenty eighteen, and I kept asking to

1130
00:51:29,760 --> 00:51:34,160
Speaker 5: see someone regularly, but she refused. She said I didn't

1131
00:51:34,200 --> 00:51:37,680
Speaker 5: need medication or therapy. She said I should just overcome

1132
00:51:37,719 --> 00:51:40,760
Speaker 5: it the way she claims she did. I never worked

1133
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:43,360
Speaker 5: a job either, even though I wanted to, because she

1134
00:51:43,360 --> 00:51:46,280
Speaker 5: always told me I shouldn't work while she was providing

1135
00:51:46,320 --> 00:51:48,960
Speaker 5: for me. Whenever I suggested working so I could help

1136
00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:52,239
Speaker 5: with the bills or gain experience, she just told me no.

1137
00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:55,200
Speaker 5: But now she's telling me to support myself and see

1138
00:51:55,200 --> 00:51:57,440
Speaker 5: what it's like without them. I don't know what to

1139
00:51:57,520 --> 00:52:00,360
Speaker 5: do anymore. I feel tired trying to explain things to

1140
00:52:00,400 --> 00:52:03,880
Speaker 5: people who don't want to listen. I don't want to

1141
00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:05,520
Speaker 5: be cut off, but part of me wonders if it

1142
00:52:05,520 --> 00:52:08,280
Speaker 5: would even make a difference, because I already feel alone

1143
00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:10,480
Speaker 5: in that family. The only people who consistently treat me

1144
00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:14,920
Speaker 5: with kindness are my boyfriend and his parents. They listen

1145
00:52:14,960 --> 00:52:17,880
Speaker 5: when I talk, they don't judge me for my emotions,

1146
00:52:17,960 --> 00:52:20,520
Speaker 5: they don't hold things over my head. The last thing

1147
00:52:20,520 --> 00:52:23,279
Speaker 5: to add is about my dad. He hasn't been in

1148
00:52:23,280 --> 00:52:25,279
Speaker 5: the picture very much because when my sister and I

1149
00:52:25,360 --> 00:52:28,640
Speaker 5: were young, my mom didn't want him around. She believed

1150
00:52:28,680 --> 00:52:31,719
Speaker 5: he was unreliable and wouldn't let us see him. She

1151
00:52:31,760 --> 00:52:34,640
Speaker 5: didn't even let us invite him to our graduations. Whenever

1152
00:52:34,680 --> 00:52:37,640
Speaker 5: we tried, she would say she wouldn't go if he

1153
00:52:37,719 --> 00:52:40,640
Speaker 5: was there. I don't know the full story between them.

1154
00:52:40,920 --> 00:52:42,920
Speaker 5: My dad has said that he would help me financially

1155
00:52:43,239 --> 00:52:46,000
Speaker 5: if I needed it, but he's also not stable enough

1156
00:52:46,000 --> 00:52:48,600
Speaker 5: to fully support me. So I'm just left in a

1157
00:52:48,600 --> 00:52:51,240
Speaker 5: strange place where I don't feel like I belong anywhere

1158
00:52:51,280 --> 00:52:53,319
Speaker 5: in my own family. I don't know.

1159
00:52:53,719 --> 00:52:56,640
Speaker 6: I just think that it is a sticky situation and

1160
00:52:56,960 --> 00:53:00,480
Speaker 6: obviously like but no, but I feel like it's kind

1161
00:53:00,480 --> 00:53:03,520
Speaker 6: of like you're talking to a wall, Like they obviously

1162
00:53:03,840 --> 00:53:08,360
Speaker 6: don't have respect for mental illness and respect for like

1163
00:53:08,480 --> 00:53:10,799
Speaker 6: you know, feelings and emotions and all of that, and

1164
00:53:10,840 --> 00:53:14,080
Speaker 6: so I feel like it's just going to be you're

1165
00:53:14,120 --> 00:53:16,799
Speaker 6: just literally talking to the wall. It's good, you know,

1166
00:53:16,960 --> 00:53:18,600
Speaker 6: or even if you talk to them in one ear

1167
00:53:18,640 --> 00:53:21,279
Speaker 6: out the other, like they don't you know, like it

1168
00:53:21,360 --> 00:53:23,719
Speaker 6: just seems like they don't understand, they don't really care

1169
00:53:23,800 --> 00:53:25,880
Speaker 6: to understand, and so it's just kind of like it's

1170
00:53:25,920 --> 00:53:29,680
Speaker 6: going to be in an endless cycle. And like in for you,

1171
00:53:29,920 --> 00:53:32,280
Speaker 6: I feel like the best thing to do is honestly,

1172
00:53:32,560 --> 00:53:35,640
Speaker 6: you know, like what they're doing, like say, oh, then we'll.

1173
00:53:35,480 --> 00:53:37,840
Speaker 4: Just you know, we won't talk to you anymore or whatever.

1174
00:53:37,920 --> 00:53:40,319
Speaker 6: And like as sad as that sounds, because obviously that's

1175
00:53:40,360 --> 00:53:42,040
Speaker 6: not what you want. You just wish they would be

1176
00:53:42,080 --> 00:53:46,120
Speaker 6: more respectful and more understanding towards your situation, but they don't.

1177
00:53:47,080 --> 00:53:49,799
Speaker 6: They don't want to do that. They rather like, have

1178
00:53:50,680 --> 00:53:53,799
Speaker 6: you say that, oh I was wrong, you guys were right,

1179
00:53:53,960 --> 00:53:55,800
Speaker 6: Like that's what I'm getting.

1180
00:53:56,120 --> 00:53:58,759
Speaker 5: Yeah, And I feel like, no matter what you do,

1181
00:53:59,480 --> 00:54:02,640
Speaker 5: your mom is always going to bring it back around

1182
00:54:02,719 --> 00:54:06,560
Speaker 5: to her and she says, well, I did this, so

1183
00:54:06,960 --> 00:54:08,880
Speaker 5: you can do it too, or like I did this.

1184
00:54:09,320 --> 00:54:11,960
Speaker 5: I don't know your mom is using a lot of

1185
00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:15,480
Speaker 5: leverage over your head, which is again her paying for

1186
00:54:15,480 --> 00:54:18,000
Speaker 5: your stuff or paying for you, and you want a job,

1187
00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:21,560
Speaker 5: you want to experience life. This is the perfect time,

1188
00:54:21,719 --> 00:54:23,239
Speaker 5: you know it. She's like, fine, I won't pay for you,

1189
00:54:23,280 --> 00:54:25,640
Speaker 5: and you're like, it's like opening the door for you.

1190
00:54:25,760 --> 00:54:28,240
Speaker 5: She's like, fine, you can leave, and you're like, I'm

1191
00:54:28,560 --> 00:54:32,480
Speaker 5: you walk out that door. She like, she shouldn't stop you.

1192
00:54:32,480 --> 00:54:34,000
Speaker 5: You can live your life. You don't need her to,

1193
00:54:34,320 --> 00:54:37,520
Speaker 5: you know, have leverage over your head. Your mom sounds manipulative,

1194
00:54:37,560 --> 00:54:39,160
Speaker 5: especially when it comes to you like your dad and

1195
00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:44,239
Speaker 5: not you know, seeing where you're coming from. But let's

1196
00:54:44,239 --> 00:54:45,880
Speaker 5: finish up the story. I want to know how to

1197
00:54:45,880 --> 00:54:47,640
Speaker 5: deal with all of this from now on. I don't

1198
00:54:47,640 --> 00:54:49,960
Speaker 5: want to cut them off completely, but I don't want

1199
00:54:50,000 --> 00:54:52,520
Speaker 5: to keep hurting myself trying to get validation from people

1200
00:54:52,600 --> 00:54:55,440
Speaker 5: who refuse to listen. I don't want to talk to

1201
00:54:55,480 --> 00:54:58,200
Speaker 5: my sister unless she apologizes. I don't want to be

1202
00:54:58,200 --> 00:55:01,640
Speaker 5: pressured into situations that make my mo health worse. I

1203
00:55:01,719 --> 00:55:05,560
Speaker 5: want peace. I want space. I want to breathe without

1204
00:55:05,560 --> 00:55:08,800
Speaker 5: feeling guilty for existing. I don't know how to move forward,

1205
00:55:08,880 --> 00:55:12,000
Speaker 5: but I know I can't keep doing this. The only

1206
00:55:12,080 --> 00:55:14,680
Speaker 5: way you can keep or you know, get away from

1207
00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:17,080
Speaker 5: that is to get away from that. Op. I'm sorry,

1208
00:55:17,640 --> 00:55:20,160
Speaker 5: you can't, you know, have both here. You can't be

1209
00:55:20,200 --> 00:55:23,239
Speaker 5: like I want my family to support me, or you know,

1210
00:55:23,280 --> 00:55:26,520
Speaker 5: I want my family. You know, maybe you can prove

1211
00:55:26,560 --> 00:55:28,279
Speaker 5: to them like I don't need you guys, and I

1212
00:55:28,320 --> 00:55:31,239
Speaker 5: still love you from afar, but I don't need you

1213
00:55:31,280 --> 00:55:34,319
Speaker 5: guys to you know, help me be on my two

1214
00:55:34,360 --> 00:55:36,880
Speaker 5: feet kind of thing. Because if you keep doing this,

1215
00:55:36,920 --> 00:55:39,239
Speaker 5: they're just gonna keep nothing's gonna change no matter what

1216
00:55:39,280 --> 00:55:41,880
Speaker 5: you say, what you do, no matter how loud you

1217
00:55:41,920 --> 00:55:43,960
Speaker 5: say it or how many times you say it, they're

1218
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:47,319
Speaker 5: not gonna change. So why keep wasting energy into that

1219
00:55:47,320 --> 00:55:49,600
Speaker 5: when you can put into yourself. And that's the end

1220
00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:52,000
Speaker 5: of his story. We're gonna go on to the next one.

1221
00:55:52,560 --> 00:55:53,839
Speaker 6: Hey, it's John you og host here.

1222
00:55:53,840 --> 00:55:55,239
Speaker 5: We're gonna get back to the stories. But it's a

1223
00:55:55,280 --> 00:55:57,440
Speaker 5: quick three minute break of ass from our sponsors.

1224
00:55:57,719 --> 00:56:00,480
Speaker 6: My family is imploding and I'm stuck in.

1225
00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:02,320
Speaker 5: The middle at Lisa's not exploding.

1226
00:56:02,480 --> 00:56:05,879
Speaker 6: I mail twenty four. Moved in with my grandparents about

1227
00:56:05,920 --> 00:56:08,680
Speaker 6: six years ago to be closer to school around the

1228
00:56:08,719 --> 00:56:11,600
Speaker 6: same time, my mom also moved in partly because we

1229
00:56:11,719 --> 00:56:14,800
Speaker 6: realized my grandpa was entering the mid stages of dementia

1230
00:56:14,840 --> 00:56:17,840
Speaker 6: and needed constant support. By the way, this comes from

1231
00:56:18,360 --> 00:56:22,239
Speaker 6: Spinoza's Glass Lens. And if you want to submit your

1232
00:56:22,280 --> 00:56:25,439
Speaker 6: own stories, go to the oslash Okay storytime subreddit. I

1233
00:56:25,520 --> 00:56:28,560
Speaker 6: am Savannah, I am Kio, and we're here to.

1234
00:56:28,480 --> 00:56:30,160
Speaker 4: Give you some good advice. Goof Lee.

1235
00:56:30,160 --> 00:56:32,439
Speaker 6: But obviously we don't have all the answers. We would

1236
00:56:32,440 --> 00:56:34,280
Speaker 6: only tell you what we would do in this situation,

1237
00:56:34,520 --> 00:56:37,239
Speaker 6: so you should tell us what you would do in

1238
00:56:37,280 --> 00:56:40,640
Speaker 6: the comments. He has since passed, and my mom left

1239
00:56:40,920 --> 00:56:43,960
Speaker 6: the last few years of his life, juggling full time

1240
00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:47,440
Speaker 6: caregiving and a full time job. My grandmother is in

1241
00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:50,360
Speaker 6: her eighties, and while she did what she could, a

1242
00:56:50,400 --> 00:56:53,479
Speaker 6: lot fell on to my mom. I'll admit I wasn't

1243
00:56:53,480 --> 00:56:57,000
Speaker 6: the most helpful teenager then, something I really regret now.

1244
00:56:57,640 --> 00:57:00,839
Speaker 6: Around that period, my aunt's life was also around her

1245
00:57:01,080 --> 00:57:03,680
Speaker 6: Her marriage of thirty years ended suddenly when her husband

1246
00:57:03,680 --> 00:57:07,000
Speaker 6: started a new life without telling her. That situation came

1247
00:57:07,040 --> 00:57:11,040
Speaker 6: with a truckload of financial and emotional fallout, including debts.

1248
00:57:11,120 --> 00:57:14,440
Speaker 6: She shouldn't have been responsible for she didn't get the

1249
00:57:14,440 --> 00:57:17,600
Speaker 6: support she should have from the settlement, and she suddenly

1250
00:57:17,640 --> 00:57:19,760
Speaker 6: had to figure out what life looked like on her

1251
00:57:19,800 --> 00:57:24,080
Speaker 6: own after decades of depending on someone else. After the divorce,

1252
00:57:24,240 --> 00:57:27,120
Speaker 6: she moved into her own apartment. Her daughter didn't want

1253
00:57:27,160 --> 00:57:29,000
Speaker 6: to live with her, and the money she did have

1254
00:57:29,080 --> 00:57:32,920
Speaker 6: eventually ran out. My mom had originally wanted her to

1255
00:57:32,960 --> 00:57:35,880
Speaker 6: move in earlier to help with my grandfather's care, but

1256
00:57:35,920 --> 00:57:38,120
Speaker 6: my aunt wasn't ready for that step at the time.

1257
00:57:38,760 --> 00:57:42,160
Speaker 6: By the time she was, he had already passed away.

1258
00:57:42,880 --> 00:57:45,560
Speaker 6: It's one of those old family sore spots that doesn't

1259
00:57:45,600 --> 00:57:49,400
Speaker 6: get spoken aloud anymore, but definitely shaped how everyone feels.

1260
00:57:49,840 --> 00:57:54,160
Speaker 6: My aunt is also disabled. She has severe epilepsy, which

1261
00:57:54,200 --> 00:57:57,440
Speaker 6: turned what could have been a really promising an early

1262
00:57:57,520 --> 00:58:00,600
Speaker 6: adulthood into a life where she stayed home and relied

1263
00:58:00,640 --> 00:58:03,840
Speaker 6: heavily on her partner over time. This meant she didn't

1264
00:58:03,880 --> 00:58:07,400
Speaker 6: get the chance to build financial independence or transportation skills.

1265
00:58:07,920 --> 00:58:10,520
Speaker 6: She couldn't drive, and being isolated pushed her into a

1266
00:58:10,520 --> 00:58:14,400
Speaker 6: different world socially, mostly centered around neighborhood bars and the

1267
00:58:14,440 --> 00:58:18,040
Speaker 6: people who hung out there. That became her main community

1268
00:58:18,080 --> 00:58:21,000
Speaker 6: for a long time. Two years ago, When the money

1269
00:58:21,000 --> 00:58:24,480
Speaker 6: finally ran out, she moved into our house. But stepping

1270
00:58:24,520 --> 00:58:27,640
Speaker 6: into this house is stepping into a very strange ecosystem.

1271
00:58:28,320 --> 00:58:30,960
Speaker 6: The three of us who were already here, me, my mom,

1272
00:58:31,000 --> 00:58:34,840
Speaker 6: and my grandmother have very separate lives, but orbit each

1273
00:58:34,840 --> 00:58:39,320
Speaker 6: other in consistent, predictable ways. My grandmother grew up in

1274
00:58:39,320 --> 00:58:42,160
Speaker 6: a very strict environment and still carries that old school

1275
00:58:42,200 --> 00:58:47,520
Speaker 6: mindset about not showing vulnerability. She's fun sometimes, stern other times,

1276
00:58:47,560 --> 00:58:52,600
Speaker 6: and absolutely allergic to emotional conversations. She'll talk politics for hours,

1277
00:58:52,640 --> 00:58:55,480
Speaker 6: but will shut down the second anything feels too personal.

1278
00:58:55,840 --> 00:58:59,480
Speaker 6: My mom, meanwhile, is the family outlier. She was the

1279
00:58:59,480 --> 00:59:01,960
Speaker 6: first to get divorce, the one who lived furthest away,

1280
00:59:02,480 --> 00:59:05,520
Speaker 6: and the one who built the most successful career. She

1281
00:59:05,640 --> 00:59:08,600
Speaker 6: fought her way through a very male dominated work environment

1282
00:59:08,680 --> 00:59:11,880
Speaker 6: and came out the other side intense, loud, motivated, and

1283
00:59:11,920 --> 00:59:15,400
Speaker 6: incredibly capable in a man. My family would have called

1284
00:59:15,400 --> 00:59:18,479
Speaker 6: this leadership in her. They call it too much.

1285
00:59:18,800 --> 00:59:23,360
Speaker 5: Oh no, boo boo, that mentality.

1286
00:59:23,080 --> 00:59:26,000
Speaker 6: Yeah, he which says a lot more about them than

1287
00:59:26,040 --> 00:59:29,120
Speaker 6: about her. I have a complicated, but deeply loving view

1288
00:59:29,120 --> 00:59:33,160
Speaker 6: of my mom. She's somewhat I admire profoundly but she's

1289
00:59:33,200 --> 00:59:35,840
Speaker 6: also not the easiest person to be emotionally open with.

1290
00:59:36,640 --> 00:59:41,880
Speaker 6: So into this dynamic comes my hurt, exhausted, broke, isolated,

1291
00:59:41,920 --> 00:59:44,440
Speaker 6: and stepping into a family system she didn't grow up

1292
00:59:44,440 --> 00:59:48,880
Speaker 6: inside of in the same way we really, and we

1293
00:59:49,000 --> 00:59:52,320
Speaker 6: didn't quite realize how hard that transition would be for her.

1294
00:59:53,320 --> 00:59:53,520
Speaker 5: Now.

1295
00:59:53,640 --> 00:59:58,040
Speaker 6: The current issue, my mom has been helping an older man,

1296
00:59:58,320 --> 01:00:00,440
Speaker 6: someone who used to be a friend end of my

1297
01:00:00,520 --> 01:00:04,160
Speaker 6: aunt's but isn't any more. He's dealing with worsening mobility

1298
01:00:04,200 --> 01:00:08,080
Speaker 6: issues and needs support. My mom helps because she feels

1299
01:00:08,120 --> 01:00:11,040
Speaker 6: like it's the right thing to do. My aunt, though,

1300
01:00:11,120 --> 01:00:13,680
Speaker 6: had a falling out with him years ago after he

1301
01:00:14,280 --> 01:00:18,840
Speaker 6: reacted disrespectfully when she turned down his romantic interest, so

1302
01:00:19,040 --> 01:00:22,520
Speaker 6: seeing my mom help him now hits an extremely raw nerve.

1303
01:00:22,960 --> 01:00:25,120
Speaker 6: It feels to her, I think like her sister is

1304
01:00:25,120 --> 01:00:28,600
Speaker 6: stepping into a roll she herself wishes she could manage

1305
01:00:28,680 --> 01:00:33,440
Speaker 6: but can't, and that comparison stings. The phone calls between

1306
01:00:33,480 --> 01:00:35,959
Speaker 6: my mom and this man get loud sometimes, and those

1307
01:00:36,040 --> 01:00:39,919
Speaker 6: calls set my aunt off. She becomes upset, retreats into

1308
01:00:39,960 --> 01:00:44,000
Speaker 6: her room, gets overwhelmed, and then it builds. She already

1309
01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:46,960
Speaker 6: struggles with depression and spends most of her day watching

1310
01:00:47,000 --> 01:00:51,360
Speaker 6: TV and smoking. When something triggers her, she spirals fast.

1311
01:00:51,960 --> 01:00:54,120
Speaker 6: She'll pace around the house, call her friends, and vent

1312
01:00:54,240 --> 01:00:58,000
Speaker 6: loudly about everything and everyone. When she's upset, she shifts

1313
01:00:58,040 --> 01:01:02,080
Speaker 6: topics constantly and can't see to ground herself in one issue.

1314
01:01:02,280 --> 01:01:05,720
Speaker 6: It's emotionally exhausting watching her swing back and forth, and

1315
01:01:05,800 --> 01:01:10,080
Speaker 6: she never realizes she's arguing the whole time. From her angle,

1316
01:01:10,160 --> 01:01:14,360
Speaker 6: my mom feels like this hypercompetent presence hovering over her,

1317
01:01:14,920 --> 01:01:19,840
Speaker 6: unintentionally reminding her of everything she can't do anymore. From

1318
01:01:19,880 --> 01:01:22,960
Speaker 6: my Mom's angle, she's trying to keep everything afloat and

1319
01:01:23,120 --> 01:01:26,120
Speaker 6: doesn't understand why she keeps ending up the villain when

1320
01:01:26,120 --> 01:01:27,400
Speaker 6: she's doing so much.

1321
01:01:28,160 --> 01:01:29,000
Speaker 4: My grandma just.

1322
01:01:28,880 --> 01:01:32,080
Speaker 6: Avoids the whole thing entirely, which leaves all of the

1323
01:01:32,120 --> 01:01:35,120
Speaker 6: tension floating in the middle of the house with nowhere

1324
01:01:35,200 --> 01:01:35,640
Speaker 6: to go.

1325
01:01:36,800 --> 01:01:37,960
Speaker 4: My aunt also has a.

1326
01:01:38,000 --> 01:01:41,560
Speaker 6: Very fragile relationship with food, made worse by decades of

1327
01:01:41,680 --> 01:01:44,480
Speaker 6: chain smoking. She doesn't eat much, feels awful most of

1328
01:01:44,480 --> 01:01:47,200
Speaker 6: the time, and the stress only worsens all of that

1329
01:01:47,840 --> 01:01:51,440
Speaker 6: when she's already physically drained. Any emotional spike pushes her

1330
01:01:51,440 --> 01:01:54,440
Speaker 6: to the edge. After the most recent argument, my mom

1331
01:01:54,520 --> 01:01:57,200
Speaker 6: started saying she might move out, and if she does,

1332
01:01:57,320 --> 01:02:01,680
Speaker 6: our already delicate household goes from spinning plates to full collapse.

1333
01:02:02,360 --> 01:02:04,840
Speaker 6: My aunt wouldn't be able to afford living alone again.

1334
01:02:05,280 --> 01:02:07,320
Speaker 6: She has nowhere else to go. She'd end up in

1335
01:02:07,400 --> 01:02:09,960
Speaker 6: a situation that would not be good for her at all.

1336
01:02:10,560 --> 01:02:12,640
Speaker 6: My mom knows this, but feels pushed to the limit.

1337
01:02:13,000 --> 01:02:16,560
Speaker 6: She wants peace, space, and recognition, not even praise, just

1338
01:02:16,640 --> 01:02:19,440
Speaker 6: acknowledgment that she has sacrificed more for this family than

1339
01:02:19,480 --> 01:02:23,920
Speaker 6: anyone seems willing to admit. My aunt, meanwhile, has created

1340
01:02:23,960 --> 01:02:27,040
Speaker 6: a kind of mental maze around her resentment. She'll start

1341
01:02:27,080 --> 01:02:29,760
Speaker 6: a conversation upset about one thing and end up arguing

1342
01:02:29,760 --> 01:02:32,080
Speaker 6: about something completely different twenty minutes later.

1343
01:02:32,800 --> 01:02:33,920
Speaker 4: I know many people like that.

1344
01:02:35,360 --> 01:02:38,000
Speaker 6: You can't follow the threads because they're tangled.

1345
01:02:38,080 --> 01:02:38,800
Speaker 4: Even for her.

1346
01:02:39,720 --> 01:02:43,919
Speaker 6: Where I fit in is somewhere between mediator, roommate and bystander.

1347
01:02:44,360 --> 01:02:46,280
Speaker 6: The other day, she left a note asking me to

1348
01:02:46,320 --> 01:02:48,440
Speaker 6: clean up the leaves in the yard. I didn't want to,

1349
01:02:48,560 --> 01:02:53,720
Speaker 6: partly because after leaving the leaves what partly because leaving

1350
01:02:53,760 --> 01:02:56,400
Speaker 6: the leaves actually helps the lawn but I also didn't

1351
01:02:56,440 --> 01:03:00,120
Speaker 6: want to trigger another upset moment when she's already in

1352
01:03:00,160 --> 01:03:02,760
Speaker 6: a mood. Any pushbacks feels dangerous in the sense that

1353
01:03:02,800 --> 01:03:05,120
Speaker 6: it sends her spiraling again and not in a way

1354
01:03:05,200 --> 01:03:09,200
Speaker 6: that's productive for anyone. Sometimes I try to let her

1355
01:03:09,280 --> 01:03:12,680
Speaker 6: vent if she's upset about general life frustrations, I let

1356
01:03:12,720 --> 01:03:15,000
Speaker 6: her get it out because it calms her down. But

1357
01:03:15,040 --> 01:03:18,120
Speaker 6: if she's upset with me or my mom, engaging tends

1358
01:03:18,160 --> 01:03:21,840
Speaker 6: to escalate it instead of easing it. My grandma, who

1359
01:03:21,880 --> 01:03:25,960
Speaker 6: technically owns the house, doesn't involve herself. My aunt respects her,

1360
01:03:25,960 --> 01:03:30,120
Speaker 6: but my grandma avoids conflict like it's her full time job.

1361
01:03:30,360 --> 01:03:31,480
Speaker 4: Kean, what do you think.

1362
01:03:32,960 --> 01:03:38,240
Speaker 5: That is a lot doozy? Yeah, you truly are caught

1363
01:03:38,280 --> 01:03:42,240
Speaker 5: in the middle. And it's like the worst part because

1364
01:03:42,280 --> 01:03:45,800
Speaker 5: like they're all adults, but you're probably you are acting

1365
01:03:45,880 --> 01:03:50,440
Speaker 5: like the most adult here, which is such a heavy

1366
01:03:50,480 --> 01:03:54,919
Speaker 5: burden on your shoulders, which you shouldn't be carrying. There's

1367
01:03:54,920 --> 01:03:56,720
Speaker 5: so many things to pick and choose from the one

1368
01:03:56,760 --> 01:04:00,040
Speaker 5: why is your mom helping out that one guy that

1369
01:04:00,040 --> 01:04:03,760
Speaker 5: that was so weird with your aunt? Like why did

1370
01:04:03,800 --> 01:04:06,880
Speaker 5: she pick him over your aunt? So many questions there

1371
01:04:08,680 --> 01:04:13,439
Speaker 5: a couple things I feel like, one op, I hate

1372
01:04:13,440 --> 01:04:15,960
Speaker 5: to say, this is not your burden to bear kind

1373
01:04:15,960 --> 01:04:18,720
Speaker 5: of thing, like I feel like you are doing so

1374
01:04:18,880 --> 01:04:22,360
Speaker 5: much and you're not even doing your own life. You

1375
01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:25,400
Speaker 5: have your own life to you know, focus on, but

1376
01:04:25,440 --> 01:04:30,439
Speaker 5: you're focusing on the lives of three, at least two

1377
01:04:30,440 --> 01:04:34,280
Speaker 5: other people, which is not fair to you. I feel

1378
01:04:34,280 --> 01:04:38,840
Speaker 5: like in this toxic household that you're all living in,

1379
01:04:39,800 --> 01:04:42,040
Speaker 5: it needs like it's not gonna get resolved. I don't think.

1380
01:04:42,960 --> 01:04:45,560
Speaker 5: I think you need to find a home somewhere for

1381
01:04:45,680 --> 01:04:50,200
Speaker 5: your aunt where you know, financially, I know it's gonna

1382
01:04:50,200 --> 01:04:52,760
Speaker 5: be hard, but I feel like it will be helping

1383
01:04:52,800 --> 01:04:56,000
Speaker 5: her so much more to get out of that household

1384
01:04:56,480 --> 01:04:59,320
Speaker 5: because it's very toxic. I don't know, Yeah, I don't know.

1385
01:04:59,360 --> 01:05:03,240
Speaker 6: It could like instead of you know, I don't know what,

1386
01:05:03,840 --> 01:05:06,200
Speaker 6: oh P, I don't know what your financial situation is,

1387
01:05:06,960 --> 01:05:11,240
Speaker 6: but maybe you and the aunt get a place somewhere,

1388
01:05:11,600 --> 01:05:11,920
Speaker 6: like you.

1389
01:05:11,880 --> 01:05:14,040
Speaker 4: Know, then she's not on her own, and then you

1390
01:05:14,080 --> 01:05:16,360
Speaker 4: could also like you know, be there for her.

1391
01:05:16,360 --> 01:05:18,400
Speaker 6: But also again it's like not your burden a bear,

1392
01:05:18,480 --> 01:05:20,280
Speaker 6: but also you know, she's family, so I get it.

1393
01:05:22,480 --> 01:05:26,760
Speaker 6: I it is very sticky situation. Grandma's just kind of there,

1394
01:05:27,200 --> 01:05:28,720
Speaker 6: kind of like whatever.

1395
01:05:28,440 --> 01:05:31,160
Speaker 5: And you're like, wow, my mom does the same thing,

1396
01:05:31,200 --> 01:05:32,960
Speaker 5: and you're like, I wonder where she got that from.

1397
01:05:33,080 --> 01:05:37,440
Speaker 6: I think that, like it's it's really hard to do

1398
01:05:37,520 --> 01:05:41,000
Speaker 6: anything like revolving around family because obviously, like it's your family.

1399
01:05:40,840 --> 01:05:42,840
Speaker 4: You're never gonna like get rid.

1400
01:05:42,680 --> 01:05:47,840
Speaker 6: Of them to an extent, you know. But I do

1401
01:05:47,880 --> 01:05:51,600
Speaker 6: think that this is something that your mom and aunt

1402
01:05:51,760 --> 01:05:55,000
Speaker 6: need to discuss because that's like the real issue here is,

1403
01:05:55,080 --> 01:05:59,480
Speaker 6: like you know, the things that they are doing unintentionally

1404
01:05:59,720 --> 01:06:05,240
Speaker 6: maybe to each other, and you're just kind of caught

1405
01:06:05,240 --> 01:06:08,160
Speaker 6: in the middle, which is not fair to you. And

1406
01:06:09,240 --> 01:06:12,320
Speaker 6: I understand why you feel a sense of like okay,

1407
01:06:12,360 --> 01:06:14,200
Speaker 6: where they're both coming to me, I need to fix

1408
01:06:14,240 --> 01:06:16,400
Speaker 6: this or I need to like do something for both

1409
01:06:16,400 --> 01:06:19,560
Speaker 6: of them, Like why don't you could just be like listen.

1410
01:06:19,480 --> 01:06:20,800
Speaker 5: Why is that your responsibility?

1411
01:06:20,960 --> 01:06:23,720
Speaker 6: Yeah, just be like, I love you both. I understand

1412
01:06:23,720 --> 01:06:25,800
Speaker 6: where both of you are coming from. You guys, I

1413
01:06:25,840 --> 01:06:27,480
Speaker 6: think need to have a conversation. I can be in

1414
01:06:27,480 --> 01:06:29,680
Speaker 6: the room if that makes you feel better, But like

1415
01:06:30,280 --> 01:06:33,200
Speaker 6: it's you, like the tension here is between you two,

1416
01:06:33,360 --> 01:06:35,440
Speaker 6: and I understand that it's a weird situation, and you

1417
01:06:35,480 --> 01:06:39,000
Speaker 6: can't really do much for it because of like, you know,

1418
01:06:39,120 --> 01:06:42,120
Speaker 6: disabilities and also financial status and stuff like that. But like,

1419
01:06:43,240 --> 01:06:46,720
Speaker 6: there there has to be a point like that. Everyone is,

1420
01:06:46,760 --> 01:06:49,840
Speaker 6: you know, tired of the tension, tired of you know whatever,

1421
01:06:49,880 --> 01:06:51,720
Speaker 6: and you don't want it to build to a point

1422
01:06:51,720 --> 01:06:55,040
Speaker 6: where it's gonna explode, because I feel like that that

1423
01:06:55,120 --> 01:06:58,240
Speaker 6: might be where it's going. All right, let's see what happens.

1424
01:06:59,200 --> 01:07:00,560
Speaker 4: So that's where we are.

1425
01:07:01,040 --> 01:07:03,280
Speaker 6: My mom is burnt out, my aunt is overwhelmed and

1426
01:07:03,280 --> 01:07:05,840
Speaker 6: struggling in ways none of us know how to handle.

1427
01:07:05,960 --> 01:07:09,040
Speaker 6: My Grandma stays neutral to survive it. And I'm here

1428
01:07:09,080 --> 01:07:11,640
Speaker 6: trying to hold the pieces together and failing most days.

1429
01:07:12,360 --> 01:07:15,040
Speaker 6: If my mom leaves, the balance collapses. If my aunt leaves,

1430
01:07:15,080 --> 01:07:18,920
Speaker 6: she has nowhere to land. Everyone is hurting, everyone feels misunderstood,

1431
01:07:19,040 --> 01:07:21,960
Speaker 6: No one feels safe enough to talk honestly, And I'm

1432
01:07:21,960 --> 01:07:24,040
Speaker 6: stuck in the middle trying to figure out whether there's

1433
01:07:24,120 --> 01:07:27,200
Speaker 6: anything I can do to stop the situation from blowing

1434
01:07:27,280 --> 01:07:28,600
Speaker 6: up entirely.

1435
01:07:28,320 --> 01:07:30,640
Speaker 4: Which is exactly what we were just saying.

1436
01:07:31,640 --> 01:07:35,920
Speaker 6: Any thoughts would be appreciated, Yeah, I mean, it just

1437
01:07:36,440 --> 01:07:40,480
Speaker 6: literally what we were saying just it's as much as

1438
01:07:40,560 --> 01:07:42,040
Speaker 6: like everyone's struggling, it.

1439
01:07:42,040 --> 01:07:44,320
Speaker 4: Seems like you seem to be.

1440
01:07:44,240 --> 01:07:46,280
Speaker 5: The most logical.

1441
01:07:46,520 --> 01:07:46,920
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1442
01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:49,480
Speaker 6: Yeah, the most logical in all of this. And I

1443
01:07:49,480 --> 01:07:52,360
Speaker 6: feel like if you even like, you know, maybe it

1444
01:07:52,480 --> 01:07:54,440
Speaker 6: may not be the nice thing, but even like tricking

1445
01:07:54,480 --> 01:07:57,360
Speaker 6: them to have like a sit down and just being like, oh,

1446
01:07:57,520 --> 01:08:00,680
Speaker 6: like plan you know, like maybe like a dinner or something.

1447
01:08:00,720 --> 01:08:02,880
Speaker 5: I was just say, she's like, oh yeah, let's have Hey,

1448
01:08:03,120 --> 01:08:05,800
Speaker 5: let's have dinner Friday. And hey, mom, let's have dinner Friday.

1449
01:08:05,840 --> 01:08:10,000
Speaker 5: And you're like, oops, I forgot my bad. And that's

1450
01:08:10,040 --> 01:08:10,840
Speaker 5: the end of this story.