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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat

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Speaker 1: I am the host. If you're new, welcome. Couch Talks

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Speaker 1: is the special episode of You Need Therapy Podcasts where

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Speaker 1: I answer questions that you guys send into me and

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Speaker 1: you can send those to me at Catherine at you

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast dot com. And before we get started,

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Speaker 1: I like to remind everybody every week that although this

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Speaker 1: is a podcast where I answer your questions, especially on

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Speaker 1: Couch Talks, and I'm a therapist since called You Need Therapy,

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Speaker 1: that this podcast does not serve as a replacement or

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Speaker 1: a substitute for actual mental health services. However, it's still

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Speaker 1: allowed of help and be helpful. So it is the

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Speaker 1: day before Thanksgiving. Happy Day before Thanksgiving. Also Happy Thanksgiving,

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Speaker 1: because I probably won't be talking to you guys on

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Speaker 1: Thanksgiving unless you save this episode to listen to. In

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Speaker 1: that case, Happy Thanksgiving. I'm sure there are a wide

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Speaker 1: range of feelings between all of you guys right now,

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Speaker 1: as the holidays are some people's like favorite time of year,

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Speaker 1: and there are some people's least favorite, and there's people

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Speaker 1: that are in the middle and people that are just

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Speaker 1: basically neutral. And I have promised you, guys some content

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Speaker 1: around the holidays and family and stuff to do and

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Speaker 1: help cope with the times that might be tough for

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Speaker 1: the ones of you that kind of don't like this

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Speaker 1: time of year or even like it and and just

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Speaker 1: notice some hard things about it. And so today Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks is dedicated to that. I am going to talk

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Speaker 1: about two different things today. And honestly, as I was

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Speaker 1: doing this, I was thinking this really would have been

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Speaker 1: more helpful like a month ago, so you could prepare

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Speaker 1: and make plans and kind of work on stuff. But

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Speaker 1: I am going to tell you, guys, better like than never,

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Speaker 1: you have this episode for next year as well. So

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Speaker 1: let's get into it. Going through some of your questions

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Speaker 1: that you had specifically for the holiday season, there were

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Speaker 1: some themes that the questions were a little bit different,

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Speaker 1: but they kind of centered on the same kind of themes.

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Speaker 1: We're going to talk about two of those themes today.

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Speaker 1: One is about splitting time between families, and one is

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Speaker 1: about feeling to save around food and family members and

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Speaker 1: just people in general, because you know, diet culture is

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Speaker 1: that holiday's best friend. You know, I feel like a

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Speaker 1: lot of things are diet culture's best friend, because diet

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Speaker 1: culture just infiltrates everything, and we're gonna talk about it.

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Speaker 1: So we're gonna start with the family time question. So

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Speaker 1: a lot of the questions that you guys sent in were,

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Speaker 1: how do I find a way to split time with

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Speaker 1: in laws? How do I find a way to do

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Speaker 1: what I want on the holidays and not feel guilty?

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Speaker 1: How do I find a way to make it fair

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Speaker 1: when it comes to time with different family members? And

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Speaker 1: let's talk about that. And maybe you don't have in laws,

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Speaker 1: but you have divorce pair rents, or you have multiple

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Speaker 1: friend families, or you just have in general different options

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Speaker 1: in places that you want to be or you're expected

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Speaker 1: to be during the holidays. An easy solve for this

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Speaker 1: is switching holidays each year. That's not always possible, but

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Speaker 1: that's one way you can do it. You can also

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Speaker 1: when location allows spend a little bit of time at

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Speaker 1: each person's or groups of people's experience or home. That's

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Speaker 1: also not always possible. And there are so many different circumstances.

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Speaker 1: I know, for me, my boyfriend has divorced parents, so

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Speaker 1: and then I have a set of parents, and so

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Speaker 1: when it comes to Christmas. What we have done is

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Speaker 1: we have picked the most important parts of each group's

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Speaker 1: experience on the holidays and also took into account our

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Speaker 1: favorite parts of each of those experiences and then prioritize those.

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Speaker 1: So we're not spending the entirety of of any holiday

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Speaker 1: with a certain group, and we're missing out on things

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Speaker 1: that we we do want to be a part of.

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Speaker 1: And we're also going to engage in things that we

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Speaker 1: do want to be a part of. And that goes

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Speaker 1: into what I'm talking about, because not everybody is getting

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Speaker 1: a d percent what they want right, And one thing

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Speaker 1: I want anybody who is figuring this out themselves is

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Speaker 1: to know that they are allowed to enjoy their holiday too,

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Speaker 1: and accommodating everyone else should not negate your joyful experience. Now,

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Speaker 1: like I said, there's so many circumstances, so I don't

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Speaker 1: really think it's that important or helpful to give you

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Speaker 1: ideas on how to split things because I just think

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Speaker 1: it could only apply to a small margin of y'all.

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Speaker 1: I could go on and on and give you a

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Speaker 1: million scenarios and plan them out, but again, life is

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Speaker 1: too nuanced for everybody to do that. So what I

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Speaker 1: think would be more important is to help you think

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Speaker 1: about how splitting these holidays should work. What I want

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Speaker 1: to do here is give you, guys some mantras. I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna give you some words of wisdom. You can keep

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Speaker 1: them in your front pocket, you can give them in

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Speaker 1: the back pocket, you can keep them in your hand.

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Speaker 1: I don't or what you do with them. I just

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Speaker 1: want to give you these things that you can come

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Speaker 1: back to when you end up having those moments of

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Speaker 1: fear or anxiety, or like you're doing something wrong. You

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Speaker 1: can come back to these ideas. Because spoiler alert, there

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Speaker 1: is no perfect way to handle this kind of situation.

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Speaker 1: Number one, There's no way on earth I can perfectly

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Speaker 1: please everyone. Like that is such a simple thing to

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Speaker 1: hear and such a hard thing to actually accept. No

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Speaker 1: matter how you slice it or dice it, there is

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Speaker 1: no way that you can perfectly please everyone. And so

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Speaker 1: if that is our goal, we're always going to be disappointed.

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Speaker 1: So I want I want you to start with accepting

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Speaker 1: or attempting to accept this idea that there's no way

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Speaker 1: on earth I can perfectly please everyone. Number two, just

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Speaker 1: because someone is upset with me, it doesn't mean I

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Speaker 1: did anything wrong. And that is something that I think

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Speaker 1: you guys hear me say a lot, and it's something

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Speaker 1: I'm going to continue to say a lot. Just because

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Speaker 1: someone's upset with something that you did or a choice

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Speaker 1: you made, it doesn't mean that you made the wrong choice,

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Speaker 1: that you did something wrong. Number three, I am allowed

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Speaker 1: to make decisions that make me happy. That's why I

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Speaker 1: said earlier, like all of this stuff should not negate

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Speaker 1: you having an experience that is joyful or fun or

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Speaker 1: just midline enjoyable. You are allowed to make decisions that

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Speaker 1: make you happy. That's okay. You can bind that one

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Speaker 1: with just because someone's upset isn't mean you did something wrong,

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Speaker 1: and you will just be set up for some success. Here.

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Speaker 1: When it comes to families and when it comes to

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Speaker 1: having multiple groups, you're trying to satisfy at the same time.

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Speaker 1: The deal is no matter what you do, someone is

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Speaker 1: going to feel left out or like they didn't get

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Speaker 1: what they wanted, or like somebody else got a better deal.

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Speaker 1: Like that is just usually the case. It's really hard

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Speaker 1: to make everything fair because life just actually isn't fair

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Speaker 1: most of the time. And that's also a hard pill

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Speaker 1: to swallow, and often what we do in these moments.

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Speaker 1: I see this all the time, where it's like, if

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Speaker 1: we can't make anybody happy, then I'm just not going

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Speaker 1: to do anything, and that kind of sucks because then

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Speaker 1: everybody loses. Rather, what would it look like if we

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Speaker 1: entered these situations with the attitude of I'm going to

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Speaker 1: do the best I can to accommodate as many people

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Speaker 1: as I can, including myself, and we will all need

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Speaker 1: to make compromises for this to happen. This kind of

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Speaker 1: thing is not about winning. This thing is not about

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Speaker 1: picking sides, picking people that we like the most. This

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Speaker 1: is about accepting the rules of life. A hundred percent

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Speaker 1: of people cannot be a hundred percent satisfied all of

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Speaker 1: the time. It is impossible for that to be true

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Speaker 1: or the case, or wherever you want to say it.

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Speaker 1: So if we adapt this attitude of I'm going to

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Speaker 1: do the best I can, I might learn something and

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Speaker 1: want to do something differently next time, and I know

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Speaker 1: that people, including myself, might be disappointed in different areas.

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Speaker 1: That doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong. It doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: I'm being unkind and not getting exactly what I want

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Speaker 1: or not giving somebody exactly what they want does not

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Speaker 1: take away the ability for us to have a good experience.

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Speaker 1: So I know this stuff is hard, and it's it

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Speaker 1: really is hard because families always are changing, right, So

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Speaker 1: first you have your family, and then I don't know,

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Speaker 1: maybe you you're a sibling gets married and they have

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Speaker 1: multiple families, and another sibling gets married and they have

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Speaker 1: multiple families, and then maybe somebody gets divorced, and then

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Speaker 1: then there's multiple families, and then so you have are

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Speaker 1: navigating your stuff, and then you find a partner, and

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Speaker 1: then you're navigating their family, and then all the different

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Speaker 1: navigations of your family. Things are always changing. You have kids,

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Speaker 1: then your kids grow up, and then you have to

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Speaker 1: look at their schedules. So it's hard and it's exhausting.

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Speaker 1: And if we try to figure out the perfect way

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Speaker 1: to do every thing, and we try to make sure

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Speaker 1: that other people avoid any kind of feelings other than

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Speaker 1: joy and happiness and contentment, then we're going to probably

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Speaker 1: end up in a disaster. Right, somebody that that's probably

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Speaker 1: the worst way you could handle this. But if we

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Speaker 1: handle this with it's gonna be messy and sticky. I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna figure it out and do the best I can,

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Speaker 1: and we're all going to make compromises, and if somebody

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Speaker 1: is upset with me, that's okay. They can be upset

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Speaker 1: with me, and I can keep my feelings and they

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Speaker 1: can keep theirs. Then we might have a better way

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Speaker 1: of dealing with this. The other thing I want to

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Speaker 1: add right here before we move on to the next

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Speaker 1: thing is try your best not to mind read, not

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Speaker 1: to make assumptions based on our judgments. We do that naturally, right,

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Speaker 1: So we try to make sense of people's behavior. Our

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Speaker 1: brains just do that. And what happens is when we

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Speaker 1: try to make sense of other people's behavior, oftentimes we

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Speaker 1: tell ourselves a story that's very hurtful, and unless we

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Speaker 1: actually have the truth right, we've gotten that from that person,

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Speaker 1: the most helpful thing to do would be to just

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Speaker 1: take the information as fact and then put a period

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Speaker 1: with it. Let's say we're talking about your kids, and

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Speaker 1: your kids are have different options. Let's say your kids

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Speaker 1: chose to have dinner with their partners family, but they're

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Speaker 1: going to come spend the morning with you and have

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Speaker 1: a brunch, or they're giving you the option to do

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Speaker 1: a Thanksgiving dinner on the Saturday of the holiday. Weekend,

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Speaker 1: and when you receive that information, you think to yourself, well,

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Speaker 1: it always has to be that person's way, and they

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Speaker 1: just don't care about our feelings and they like that

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Speaker 1: family better and are whatever the assumptions are. Those could

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Speaker 1: be true, but they oftentimes are not true. And so

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Speaker 1: what might be helpful is, Oh, they're trying to make

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Speaker 1: this work. And I'm sure there's a lot of pieces

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Speaker 1: to this puzzle that we don't know. Boom, all right,

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Speaker 1: so let's move to the next question. So I got

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Speaker 1: a lot of questions about how to respond to, how

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Speaker 1: to cope with, how to handle how to set boundaries

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Speaker 1: around food and body image during Thanksgiving meals. This is

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Speaker 1: a big one, and it feels basically impossible to escape

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Speaker 1: these comments, these kinds of comments, which is interesting because

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Speaker 1: as common sense, it might seem to some of us

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Speaker 1: to avoid making these kinds of comments. It's very normal

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Speaker 1: and very natural behavior for a lot of other people.

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Speaker 1: So I want to say first off that autonomy is

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Speaker 1: huge here. If you feel like it is too much

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Speaker 1: to expose yourself to a situation where you may hear

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Speaker 1: things that could trigger negative or toxic thoughts about your body,

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Speaker 1: food and exercise, then the most important thing to do

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Speaker 1: here is to take care of your physical and mental

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Speaker 1: health first. That does not have to be qualified, It

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Speaker 1: does not have to be explained. People don't have to

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Speaker 1: understand what you're doing to take care of yourself for

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Speaker 1: it to be the right thing for you to do.

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Speaker 1: And I need everybody here that first, if I was

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Speaker 1: an alcoholic and I couldn't be around drinking without engaging

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Speaker 1: and drinking myself, then I'm going to make sure that

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Speaker 1: I'm not around drinking. The same goes for eating disorders,

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Speaker 1: and we have to start taking those things just as

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Speaker 1: serious because they are some hearts. Truth that I don't

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Speaker 1: like talking about, but I have to talk about, and

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Speaker 1: I've mentioned a couple of times here recently, is that

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Speaker 1: the majority of the world does not care about your recovery,

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Speaker 1: your triggers, or your feelings, so that becomes our responsibility.

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Speaker 1: How am I going to set myself up so that

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Speaker 1: I can best feel taken care of, I can best

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Speaker 1: feel safe, and I can best feel loved by myself

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Speaker 1: and the people that I choose to spend time with

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Speaker 1: now in order to not isolate ourselves, I also encourage

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Speaker 1: clients to do a couple of things in these kinds

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Speaker 1: of situations to prepare because, like I said, there are

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Speaker 1: triggers all over the place, and we're like, why would

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Speaker 1: you say something like that at a dinner table when

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Speaker 1: people are eating, And obviously somebody at this table is

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Speaker 1: bound to have some kind of insecurity about their body.

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Speaker 1: A lot of people that goes right over their heads,

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Speaker 1: or they choose just to ignore stuff because they want

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Speaker 1: to continue to do what's working for them. So here

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Speaker 1: are some things that I suggest people do that I

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Speaker 1: might suggest you do before you enter in a situation

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Speaker 1: that might offer some triggers. Number One, identify the triggers

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Speaker 1: and with that prepare for them. You can create a

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Speaker 1: toolbox of coping skills to help you sit through the

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Speaker 1: discomfort of those triggers. A trigger does not have to

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Speaker 1: end in the result of you engaging in a eating

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Speaker 1: disorder behavior. It might send you that way, and there

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Speaker 1: are things that you can do to cope with discomfort

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Speaker 1: so you can avoid actually engaging into the thing that

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Speaker 1: you don't want to engage in. Example, maybe your cousin

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Speaker 1: always tries to get you to work out in the

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Speaker 1: morning of Thanksgiving, and the reason she or he does

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Speaker 1: that is because they want to work out extra to

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Speaker 1: plan for the food that they're going to eat that day.

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Speaker 1: That's a common thing that happens if you know that

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Speaker 1: your cousin does this, and this is the reason your

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Speaker 1: cousin does this, and they say things while you guys

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Speaker 1: work out and you might like working out, do not go.

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Speaker 1: You are allowed to say, hey, actually I want to

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Speaker 1: sleep in, or hey I want to go on a

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Speaker 1: walk by myself. I have this book I want to

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Speaker 1: listen to, or you can just say hey, I'm not

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Speaker 1: feeling it. You don't have to put yourself in situations

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Speaker 1: just to test how strong your willpower is, because a

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Speaker 1: lot of recovery is not about willpower. It's about setting

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Speaker 1: yourself up for success the best way. Now, when it

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Speaker 1: comes to comments about food, maybe comments at the table

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Speaker 1: that could be upsetting our conversations that people try to

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Speaker 1: coherce you into having, it also might be helpful to

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Speaker 1: create sentence stems to plan to help shut down or

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Speaker 1: disengage those conversations. A common comment is hello, fill in

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Speaker 1: the blank's name, I can't believe you're able to eat

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Speaker 1: like that and keep such a small figure. Or you

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Speaker 1: can reverse that and somebody might say, are you sure

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Speaker 1: you want to eat all that? I heard you slept

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Speaker 1: in this morning? Like just kind of crazy toxic sentences

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Speaker 1: like that. You don't have to engage in their questions

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Speaker 1: and their conversation. You can say, you know, I assume

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Speaker 1: you meant something helpful by saying that, and I'm really

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Speaker 1: not interested in talking about this kind of stuff, or

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Speaker 1: and it's actually really hard for me to hear that

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Speaker 1: kind of stuff. It's not helpful, So I appreciate it

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Speaker 1: if we didn't talk about what I'm eating. And that

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Speaker 1: can work with random stuff during meals. So if people

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Speaker 1: start talking about things and they're like, hey, what do

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Speaker 1: you think about that? Or blah blah blah did you

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Speaker 1: hear about this super food? Or we really should have

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Speaker 1: made cauliflower mashed potatoes because I saw how much butter

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Speaker 1: are on these, and do you know what to car

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Speaker 1: all the stuff? You can simply say, Hey, you know what,

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Speaker 1: I appreciate you uh inviting me into this conversation, and

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Speaker 1: I'm not really interested in talking about food or weight

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Speaker 1: or the morality of either of those things right now.

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Speaker 1: Simple boom and guess what. They might feel uncomfortable and

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Speaker 1: they might need to feel uncomfortable, because often that is

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Speaker 1: what we need in order to do something different. If

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Speaker 1: we keep them comfortable in that spot, or they keep

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Speaker 1: getting to say things to you and you keep being like,

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Speaker 1: oh yeah, they're going to continue to do it. They

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Speaker 1: have no reason not to. But when them making those

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Speaker 1: comments too starts to not feel so great, then they

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Speaker 1: might stop making them. Another thing I suggest clients to

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Speaker 1: do and humans to do is set boundaries and ask

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Speaker 1: for what you need when possible. And that is where

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Speaker 1: you bring in that intentional dialogue. Right, So, if you

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Speaker 1: need to have a conversation with your mom or your aunt,

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Speaker 1: or your boyfriend or your girlfriend or whoever it is,

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Speaker 1: you can use the format when you blank, I feel blank.

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Speaker 1: What it brings up for me is blank, or the

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Speaker 1: what the judgment I make is blank, and I'm asking

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Speaker 1: that blank. So when you talk about the calories that

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Speaker 1: are in food while we eat, I feel really scared

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Speaker 1: and I feel a lot of shame and guilt. What

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Speaker 1: it brings up for me is a lot of the

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Speaker 1: beliefs I've been challenging and working on challenging when it

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Speaker 1: comes to my own body and body image and mental health.

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Speaker 1: And I'm asking that you were framed from talking about

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Speaker 1: those kinds of things as best you can, specifically in

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Speaker 1: my presence, and then you can add a boundary on there.

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Speaker 1: If you can't do that, I just would love for

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Speaker 1: you to let me know, because I want to make

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Speaker 1: sure that I'm not putting myself in a situation that's

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Speaker 1: going to be harmful for me. And if you can't

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Speaker 1: do that, I totally get that. Let me know, I

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Speaker 1: will make the necessary changes that I need to make

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Speaker 1: to keep myself safe. And guys, that might be what

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Speaker 1: I talked about in the beginning autonomy. You don't have

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Speaker 1: to put yourself in situations where you know they're going

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Speaker 1: to be harmful. So if somebody's like, yeah, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: still do this, you can say, well, okay, that's totally cool.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to be able to be a part

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Speaker 1: of this event with you. And just because somebody might

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Speaker 1: have a feeling, it doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong.

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Speaker 1: Remember that all these things are kind of tying in together.

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Speaker 1: And then the last thing I want to suggest you

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Speaker 1: guys do is write down truth before you enter a

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Speaker 1: situation that has the ability to emotionally cloud it. When

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Speaker 1: emotions come in logic turns off. So if you have

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Speaker 1: a note in your phone, or a piece of paper

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Speaker 1: in your pocket, or something where you can a bracelet.

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Speaker 1: You can make a bracelet with something that it says

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Speaker 1: something on it when you are in those moments when

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Speaker 1: your brain can't logic your way out of the emotions

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Speaker 1: that you're feeling. It is super helpful to have something

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Speaker 1: that you know you wrote when you were in a

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Speaker 1: very clear mind. And I can say this doesn't feel

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Speaker 1: true right now, but I know it is because the authentic,

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Speaker 1: real sound part of me wrote this down when they

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Speaker 1: are not in a heightened emotional state. So those can

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Speaker 1: be whatever you need them to be. Read them on

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Speaker 1: a note card again, make a bracelet, you can write

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Speaker 1: them on your arm. I don't care what you do

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Speaker 1: with them, but that is something that is very helpful.

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Speaker 1: That is going to do it for me today, That

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Speaker 1: is going to do it for me this Thanksgiving week.

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Speaker 1: I hope you guys have the holiday that you need

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Speaker 1: to have. I hope you have the time that you

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Speaker 1: need to have, if you have the family time you

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Speaker 1: need to have or the non family time you need

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Speaker 1: to have. And I will be back with you on Monday,

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Speaker 1: for a new episode of You Need Therapy again. In

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Speaker 1: the meantime, if you ever have questions, send them to

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Speaker 1: Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. I love

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Speaker 1: getting your questions, I love getting your emails. I appreciate

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Speaker 1: them so much. You can follow me at cat dot

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Speaker 1: de fata or at you Need Therapy Podcast and I will,

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Speaker 1: like I said, be back with you on Monday.