WEBVTT - Get Happier with Gretchen Rubin 0:00:14.956 --> 0:00:15.396 Pushkin. 0:00:30.476 --> 0:00:32.836 My sister calls me a happiness bully, because if I 0:00:32.836 --> 0:00:34.436 think there's a way for you to be happier, I 0:00:34.476 --> 0:00:35.796 can get kind of insistent. 0:00:36.556 --> 0:00:39.356 For over a decade, author Gretchen Rubin has been on 0:00:39.396 --> 0:00:42.516 a mission to crack the nut on happiness, and what 0:00:42.596 --> 0:00:44.236 she's found has surprised her. 0:00:44.876 --> 0:00:46.676 I went into it thinking like, well, what I'm going 0:00:46.756 --> 0:00:49.756 to find is the best set of habits and the 0:00:49.796 --> 0:00:53.756 best practices for happiness, and like the core principles, but 0:00:53.836 --> 0:00:59.636 it's really about understanding the variety with which people approach 0:00:59.796 --> 0:01:05.276 their lives and the multitude of tools that different people use. 0:01:07.996 --> 0:01:11.876 On today's episode, how understanding our personalities can help us 0:01:11.956 --> 0:01:17.756 unlock a better path to happiness. I'm Maya Schunker and 0:01:17.796 --> 0:01:20.316 this is a slight change of plans, a show about 0:01:20.356 --> 0:01:22.716 who we are and who we become in the face 0:01:22.836 --> 0:01:36.916 of a big change. Gretchen Ruben is the author of 0:01:36.956 --> 0:01:41.156 five best selling books about happiness, all a delightful blend 0:01:41.236 --> 0:01:45.196 of memoir and science based insights. She's also the creator 0:01:45.236 --> 0:01:49.036 of The Happiness Project, an initiative that spans several books, 0:01:49.116 --> 0:01:53.316 a podcast, and a vibrant online community. I was drawn 0:01:53.356 --> 0:01:55.956 to Gretchen's story because she never thought she'd end up 0:01:55.956 --> 0:01:58.916 in this space. In fact, she'd trained as a lawyer, 0:01:59.436 --> 0:02:02.836 graduating from Yale Law School and clerking for the Supreme Court. 0:02:03.676 --> 0:02:07.476 Gretchen was on this path until one gloomy, rainy day 0:02:08.036 --> 0:02:11.556 when she was struck by existential question, the kind that 0:02:11.556 --> 0:02:13.876 can hit you when you're surrounded by a bunch of 0:02:13.916 --> 0:02:16.156 soggy people on a city bus. 0:02:16.596 --> 0:02:18.556 I said, well, what do I want from life anyway? 0:02:18.956 --> 0:02:21.116 And I thought, well, I want to be happy. And 0:02:21.196 --> 0:02:23.836 I realized I was saying I wanted to be happy. 0:02:23.836 --> 0:02:25.996 But I didn't spend any time thinking about whether I 0:02:26.156 --> 0:02:28.596 was happy or if I thought I could be happier. 0:02:28.876 --> 0:02:31.396 I didn't even really know could you make yourself happier? 0:02:31.796 --> 0:02:34.356 And I thought, you know, I should have a happiness project. 0:02:34.756 --> 0:02:37.156 And I ran out to the library and got a 0:02:37.156 --> 0:02:39.756 giant's stack of books. This is something that happens to 0:02:39.836 --> 0:02:44.596 me frequently. I get really enraptured with some idea like happiness, 0:02:44.636 --> 0:02:46.316 and I run out and I read a ton of books, 0:02:46.356 --> 0:02:48.876 and I take a bunch of notes. But with happiness, 0:02:48.916 --> 0:02:52.996 it was so endlessly fascinating and so interesting. I was 0:02:52.996 --> 0:02:55.316 going deeper and deeper and deeper and getting more and 0:02:55.316 --> 0:02:57.036 more excited about all the things that I could do 0:02:57.076 --> 0:02:59.516 in my own life and to try, you know, all 0:02:59.516 --> 0:03:01.796 these experiments that I wanted to run on myself as 0:03:01.796 --> 0:03:04.716 a guinea pig. It really started just as an experiment 0:03:04.836 --> 0:03:07.516 for my own life. That is what became the Happiness 0:03:07.516 --> 0:03:08.476 Project eventually. 0:03:09.196 --> 0:03:11.836 And for listeners who haven't read The Happiness Project, do 0:03:11.836 --> 0:03:13.836 you mind getting a little color as to the types 0:03:13.876 --> 0:03:17.276 of things that you tried out during your experimental year 0:03:17.516 --> 0:03:18.956 making Happiness? 0:03:19.276 --> 0:03:21.156 Yes, I spent a year. It was a year long 0:03:21.196 --> 0:03:24.196 experiment to see what made me happier? Could I make 0:03:24.196 --> 0:03:26.156 myself happier? And so every month I would pick a 0:03:26.196 --> 0:03:28.876 theme for something that I thought would make me happier. 0:03:28.876 --> 0:03:32.756 So I might work on energy or marriage or work. 0:03:33.716 --> 0:03:35.636 And then for each month I would take a handful 0:03:35.636 --> 0:03:38.996 of sort of concrete, manageable resolutions, things that I felt 0:03:39.076 --> 0:03:41.116 like I could do as part of my ordinary day. 0:03:41.756 --> 0:03:44.356 I didn't do anything that was like a two week 0:03:44.476 --> 0:03:46.956 silent meditation retreat, like these are all things I could 0:03:46.956 --> 0:03:50.356 do as part of my ordinary day, and just to see, like, 0:03:50.556 --> 0:03:51.916 well did this make me happier? 0:03:52.436 --> 0:03:54.596 What were some of the most memorable changes you made 0:03:54.636 --> 0:03:57.676 that you feel had the greatest impact on your happiness, 0:03:57.796 --> 0:03:59.396 or that surprised you in some way. 0:03:59.916 --> 0:04:02.036 Well, one of the biggest surprises, I mean you know 0:04:02.156 --> 0:04:04.716 this is that the research is overwhelming that novelty and 0:04:04.796 --> 0:04:07.476 challenge tend to make people happier, even things like going 0:04:07.516 --> 0:04:09.596 to a new restaurant or walking through a new neighborhood. 0:04:09.996 --> 0:04:12.276 But I thought, well, that's not true of me. I 0:04:12.396 --> 0:04:16.516 like familiarity, I like mastery. I have very limited interest 0:04:16.596 --> 0:04:18.436 in what I like to do. I eat the same 0:04:18.436 --> 0:04:21.316 food all the time. But because of the nature of 0:04:21.356 --> 0:04:25.076 this experiment, I had to test it. I had to 0:04:25.156 --> 0:04:28.716 see what I would find, and so at that time 0:04:29.156 --> 0:04:31.836 I thought, well, I'll start a blog. And this was 0:04:31.836 --> 0:04:33.756 something that at that point was very much out of 0:04:33.796 --> 0:04:36.996 my comfort zone. I always wrote long, I never wrote short. 0:04:37.036 --> 0:04:39.076 I didn't come from journalism, so I was used to 0:04:39.116 --> 0:04:42.716 writing books. Yeah, I didn't know how to do techie stuff. 0:04:42.956 --> 0:04:45.996 I just felt like everything about it was intimidating and 0:04:46.076 --> 0:04:51.036 unfamiliar and scary, and I thought, well, it's novel and challenging, 0:04:51.076 --> 0:04:53.236 so why don't I try this? And that just became 0:04:53.276 --> 0:04:56.076 an enormous engine of happiness for me. I mean, it's 0:04:56.156 --> 0:04:58.436 led to so many things, and I've learned so many 0:04:59.076 --> 0:05:02.476 new skills from just sort of stepping into that territory. 0:05:02.996 --> 0:05:05.676 And so I found that even for a familiarity and 0:05:05.756 --> 0:05:09.356 mastery lover like me, it is true that novels and 0:05:09.436 --> 0:05:10.596 challenge make us happier. 0:05:10.996 --> 0:05:12.356 Yeah, I'd love to dig in a bit on the 0:05:12.436 --> 0:05:16.236 novelty challenge. Given what you've described about your personality. I 0:05:16.276 --> 0:05:19.036 know that Daniel Kahneman, who won the Nobel Prize for 0:05:19.076 --> 0:05:23.276 his work in behavioral economics, differentiates between moment to moment 0:05:23.516 --> 0:05:28.236 happiness or utility and then remembered utility right or remembered happiness. 0:05:28.636 --> 0:05:30.876 The things that might in the longer term make us 0:05:30.916 --> 0:05:34.636 feel happiness or fulfillment or satisfaction in the short term 0:05:34.916 --> 0:05:37.756 might come along with a lot of unpleasant feelings or 0:05:37.796 --> 0:05:40.716 negative feelings like you described right within those early days 0:05:40.716 --> 0:05:41.276 of blogging. 0:05:41.876 --> 0:05:43.996 The way I think about it is to be happy, 0:05:44.596 --> 0:05:47.236 you have to think about feeling good. So how do 0:05:47.276 --> 0:05:52.876 you have fun, love, enthusiasm, connection, play? You have to 0:05:52.876 --> 0:05:57.596 think about feeling bad? How can you feel less? Guilt? Anger, resentment, boredom, indignation. 0:05:58.276 --> 0:06:00.836 But you also have to think about feeling right, which is, 0:06:00.876 --> 0:06:02.956 does your life live up to your values? Does it 0:06:02.996 --> 0:06:05.676 reflect what you want your life to be, even if 0:06:05.676 --> 0:06:07.996 that makes you feel bad and does not make you 0:06:08.076 --> 0:06:11.076 feel good, it doesn't, And you have to think about 0:06:11.076 --> 0:06:14.156 having an atmosphere of growth, which is when we just 0:06:14.276 --> 0:06:17.116 feel we're happier when we're growing, when we're learning things, 0:06:17.156 --> 0:06:19.436 when we're fixing things, when we're helping someone else, when 0:06:19.436 --> 0:06:22.436 somehow we're just contributing to growth. And so for me, 0:06:22.516 --> 0:06:24.676 it's clearer to think about something like this is this 0:06:24.716 --> 0:06:26.476 is a way that I was growing. And it's a 0:06:26.516 --> 0:06:28.196 trade off that we all have to be thinking about 0:06:28.236 --> 0:06:31.036 at all times, because you know, we say like all 0:06:31.076 --> 0:06:33.276 we have is now, all we have is the present moment. 0:06:33.476 --> 0:06:35.716 That's true. It's also true that a life that is 0:06:35.756 --> 0:06:37.756 wholly focused on the present moment would not be a 0:06:37.756 --> 0:06:40.636 good life. You don't want to do something right now 0:06:40.676 --> 0:06:42.756 to make yourself feel better that just in the end 0:06:42.836 --> 0:06:45.436 is going to make you feel worse. And so I 0:06:45.476 --> 0:06:48.756 think that this tension between how do I feel right 0:06:48.796 --> 0:06:52.916 now versus do I choose to deprive myself of something? 0:06:53.476 --> 0:06:57.716 Do I choose to demand something of myself? Because I 0:06:57.796 --> 0:07:02.556 know that my future self will be happier for it exactly. 0:07:03.356 --> 0:07:05.516 And I think some of the research that I find 0:07:05.916 --> 0:07:08.996 so exciting in the field of cognitive science and psychology 0:07:09.356 --> 0:07:13.036 happiness is around how we can reduce the friction we 0:07:13.076 --> 0:07:14.956 feel in the short term when it comes to reaching 0:07:14.956 --> 0:07:18.076 our long term goals and the fact that our ability 0:07:18.116 --> 0:07:20.956 to build habits out of the things that we want 0:07:20.996 --> 0:07:24.636 to do can be a very effective tactic. Yes, so 0:07:25.036 --> 0:07:27.596 can you talk a bit more about the connection between 0:07:28.036 --> 0:07:30.716 habit building and happiness and again how that can help 0:07:30.796 --> 0:07:33.876 us overcome some of these shorter term obstacles or barriers 0:07:33.916 --> 0:07:35.956 in pursuit of our long term happiness goals. 0:07:36.356 --> 0:07:38.276 Well, and what you're saying is exactly what led me 0:07:38.276 --> 0:07:39.956 to write my book Better Than Before, which is all 0:07:39.996 --> 0:07:42.076 about habit change, because what you see is that people 0:07:42.236 --> 0:07:45.156 want to be happier, but then often what it would 0:07:45.156 --> 0:07:47.556 take to follow through with those aims is to develop 0:07:47.596 --> 0:07:50.316 some kind of habit. Because you're right, habit puts behavior 0:07:50.356 --> 0:07:53.596 on autopilot. We don't have to make decisions, we don't 0:07:53.636 --> 0:07:57.556 have to use willpower. It's just something that happens. We 0:07:57.596 --> 0:07:59.156 just get into a car and put on the seatfeld 0:07:59.196 --> 0:08:00.836 and we just don't give it a second thought, and 0:08:00.876 --> 0:08:04.316 there's a lot of power in that. And so when 0:08:04.356 --> 0:08:07.036 we're trying to build a habit, there's many things that 0:08:07.076 --> 0:08:09.396 we can do to try to strengthen it. So one 0:08:09.396 --> 0:08:11.836 of the few sort of almost universals is that we're 0:08:12.036 --> 0:08:14.316 much more likely to do things that are convenient and 0:08:14.396 --> 0:08:16.796 much less likely to do things that are inconvenient. So 0:08:16.796 --> 0:08:17.996 if there's something you want to do, you want to 0:08:18.036 --> 0:08:20.036 make it as easy as possible, And if something's you 0:08:20.076 --> 0:08:22.156 don't want to do it, you want to make it harder. 0:08:22.716 --> 0:08:25.196 And I've heard of so many funny examples, Oh can 0:08:25.236 --> 0:08:27.356 you share some of them. They sleep in their workout 0:08:27.356 --> 0:08:29.396 clothes so they don't have to change their clothes to 0:08:29.436 --> 0:08:32.476 go work out in the morning. I've heard of people 0:08:32.556 --> 0:08:35.676 who will take their television remote control and like put 0:08:35.676 --> 0:08:37.876 it in a cabinet on the other side of their 0:08:37.916 --> 0:08:39.636 house or apartment, so if they want to turn on 0:08:39.676 --> 0:08:41.796 the TV, they have to walk way out of their way. 0:08:42.676 --> 0:08:45.676 You know, putting your phone in the trunk of your 0:08:45.716 --> 0:08:48.396 car instead of putting it next to you where it's 0:08:48.436 --> 0:08:50.556 going to be beckoning to you with every time it chirps, 0:08:50.596 --> 0:08:52.516 You're just going to want to like ooh, can I 0:08:52.596 --> 0:08:54.356 just take a quick look. Yeah, here, I am at 0:08:54.356 --> 0:08:56.156 a stop it I'm just going to take a quick look, like, well, 0:08:56.316 --> 0:08:57.996 it's in the trunk of your car. That won't that'll 0:08:58.036 --> 0:09:00.396 be too inconvenient. So I think those are things that 0:09:00.516 --> 0:09:03.516 just about anybody can think about as convenience and inconvenience. 0:09:03.996 --> 0:09:06.916 And it's hard to overstate I think just how even 0:09:06.956 --> 0:09:10.076 the smallest of frictions can have a disportionate impact on 0:09:10.076 --> 0:09:12.556 our behaviors. So, like my husband and I go for 0:09:12.676 --> 0:09:14.516 walks in the evening, and it just drives some nuts 0:09:14.516 --> 0:09:16.236 when I occasionally, you know, take my phone out of 0:09:16.236 --> 0:09:18.636 my pocket. So there are times where, and this has 0:09:18.636 --> 0:09:20.516 been a wonderful change in my life as of late, 0:09:20.556 --> 0:09:22.316 I just leave my phone at home. I'm like, between 0:09:22.316 --> 0:09:23.956 the two of us, we only need one phone. So 0:09:23.996 --> 0:09:27.436 that's like the full phase. Yes, great idea. There are 0:09:27.476 --> 0:09:30.276 times where I need to bring my phone for whatever reason, 0:09:30.556 --> 0:09:32.476 and when I do that, I put my phone onto 0:09:32.516 --> 0:09:35.716 airplane mode. And you would think I'm one button away 0:09:35.836 --> 0:09:38.996 from four, going back to four whatever, five g right, 0:09:39.116 --> 0:09:42.276 just one button away, one press away. But in my 0:09:42.476 --> 0:09:46.156 mind that is enough of an antagonist for me to 0:09:46.196 --> 0:09:46.716 not want. 0:09:46.596 --> 0:09:49.316 To do it. Yes, this is not like you have 0:09:49.396 --> 0:09:51.716 to do some you know, you've got to rearrange your 0:09:51.716 --> 0:09:54.116 house to make it easier to do yoga or something. 0:09:54.116 --> 0:09:57.876 This is like, you know, very small things can make 0:09:57.916 --> 0:10:01.436 a difference, and small inconveniences can make it much easier 0:10:01.436 --> 0:10:03.356 to resist temptation exactly. 0:10:03.756 --> 0:10:06.636 And on this topic of you know, small changes generally, 0:10:07.196 --> 0:10:10.196 I love your focus on in for mental changes within 0:10:10.236 --> 0:10:13.396 the constraints of our existing lives to try and become happier, 0:10:13.556 --> 0:10:16.396 because look, most of us don't have the luxury of 0:10:16.476 --> 0:10:22.196 engaging in a radical Elizabeth Gilbertian and pray love escape, Right, 0:10:22.316 --> 0:10:24.156 it's fun to read about, but yeah, it's fun to 0:10:24.156 --> 0:10:25.156 read about. 0:10:25.756 --> 0:10:26.596 We can't manage it. 0:10:26.676 --> 0:10:29.636 And a lot of us only have the mental bandwidth 0:10:29.636 --> 0:10:32.116 even day to day to introduce small changes in our 0:10:32.156 --> 0:10:35.796 lives given our other responsibilities. And I think I share 0:10:35.836 --> 0:10:38.756 some very similar personality traits to you, and that you know, 0:10:38.876 --> 0:10:41.756 I'm a creature of habit, I like routine. I'm not 0:10:41.956 --> 0:10:45.116 actually seeking a revolutionary, big change in my life. I 0:10:45.156 --> 0:10:47.156 don't think that's actually constant with with who I am. 0:10:47.196 --> 0:10:51.036 And so the idea of looking within our own spaces 0:10:51.116 --> 0:10:53.236 to try to find more joy or more happiness, I 0:10:53.276 --> 0:10:55.916 think is for someone like me anyway, and for lots 0:10:55.916 --> 0:10:57.436 of folks who are listening to this who have like 0:10:57.516 --> 0:10:59.676 really busy, active lives and not that much freedom to 0:10:59.676 --> 0:11:02.636 explore other spaces, I think that can be a huge 0:11:02.636 --> 0:11:03.516 source of inspiration. 0:11:04.196 --> 0:11:07.196 So I think that we need to think of things 0:11:07.196 --> 0:11:10.116 that are manageable that we can do as part of 0:11:10.116 --> 0:11:12.596 our ordinary day, things that are concrete, so they're not 0:11:12.636 --> 0:11:14.996 things like I'm going to eat healthier, because it's like, 0:11:15.236 --> 0:11:17.756 what does that mean exactly? Does it mean you're gonna 0:11:18.396 --> 0:11:20.156 not eat out of ending machines? Does it mean you're 0:11:20.156 --> 0:11:22.196 going to cook more? Does it mean that you're going 0:11:22.236 --> 0:11:24.276 to start eating breakfast. Does it mean that you're going 0:11:24.316 --> 0:11:26.236 to start packing a lunch to bring from home. Does 0:11:26.276 --> 0:11:28.236 it mean that you're not going to get take out? Like? 0:11:28.276 --> 0:11:29.916 What does that mean for you? There's a million things 0:11:29.956 --> 0:11:32.636 that could mean. What exactly is the specific habit that 0:11:32.676 --> 0:11:36.236 you're wanting to do and make it manageable and really 0:11:36.276 --> 0:11:40.196 find a way to make it part of your day 0:11:40.236 --> 0:11:42.436 to day. But one of the things I think that 0:11:42.556 --> 0:11:45.476 is really interesting is that you also want to consider 0:11:45.596 --> 0:11:48.516 a lot of different ways for you to achieve your aims. 0:11:48.596 --> 0:11:50.436 I think sometimes we want somebody to say like, this 0:11:50.516 --> 0:11:51.956 is the right way to do it, or this is 0:11:52.516 --> 0:11:54.836 the most effective way to do it. But the problem 0:11:54.916 --> 0:11:57.516 is is that people are really different, even with something 0:11:57.556 --> 0:12:01.036 like morning people and night people. If you want to exercise, say, 0:12:01.236 --> 0:12:02.916 somebody might say to you like I get up every 0:12:02.956 --> 0:12:04.956 morning and go for a run before work and that 0:12:05.036 --> 0:12:07.436 works great, you should do that, and you're just like, oh, 0:12:07.476 --> 0:12:10.556 I'm going to and then you just can't. It just 0:12:10.596 --> 0:12:12.396 doesn't work for you. Yeah, a lot of times people 0:12:12.476 --> 0:12:14.356 get discouraged and I think, well, what's wrong with me? 0:12:14.476 --> 0:12:17.796 Because my partner, my neighbor, or my coworker can do 0:12:17.836 --> 0:12:21.356 this no problem, instead of saying something like, well, maybe 0:12:21.436 --> 0:12:23.476 I'm a night person and I'm at my most productive 0:12:23.476 --> 0:12:25.756 and energetic later in the day, or maybe I need 0:12:25.796 --> 0:12:29.436 accountability and this other person doesn't really need accountability, and 0:12:29.476 --> 0:12:31.116 so if I want to do this, I'll do much 0:12:31.116 --> 0:12:32.556 better if I go with a friend who's going to 0:12:32.596 --> 0:12:33.956 be annoyed if I don't show up, or if I 0:12:33.996 --> 0:12:36.476 exercise with a trainer, or I think about how I 0:12:36.516 --> 0:12:39.196 need to be a role model for someone else because 0:12:39.236 --> 0:12:41.796 I need that accountability to get myself to stick to it. 0:12:42.236 --> 0:12:44.076 Yeah. I mean, I think one of the reasons I 0:12:44.156 --> 0:12:46.796 was so excited to talk with you today, Gretchen, is 0:12:46.796 --> 0:12:49.636 that a huge inspiration in creating a site change of 0:12:49.676 --> 0:12:53.116 plans was an appreciation that there is no one size 0:12:53.156 --> 0:12:58.156 fits all approach to managing change or happiness, right, and that, Yeah, 0:12:58.236 --> 0:13:01.756 it's so important to figure out how we will engage 0:13:01.756 --> 0:13:05.876 with a change based on our unique set of personality traits. Yes, 0:13:06.276 --> 0:13:09.116 and so I see similarities in what I've just described 0:13:09.236 --> 0:13:13.196 in your approach, which is identifying core features of your personality. 0:13:13.196 --> 0:13:15.836 You call them tendencies, and then you can try to 0:13:15.836 --> 0:13:19.476 figure out, Okay, given that I have these tendencies, how 0:13:19.476 --> 0:13:22.716 can I then, you know, engineer solutions, specific tailored solutions 0:13:22.716 --> 0:13:23.476 within my own life. 0:13:23.676 --> 0:13:26.356 Yes, I think there is no one size fit cell solution. 0:13:26.436 --> 0:13:29.996 It's you know, birds, bats and bees all fly, but 0:13:30.076 --> 0:13:32.636 they have different kinds of wings so they can all 0:13:32.636 --> 0:13:34.436 get up into the air, but you know, they use 0:13:34.436 --> 0:13:36.876 different tools to do it. And I think people are 0:13:36.876 --> 0:13:37.276 the same. 0:13:38.036 --> 0:13:41.316 After the break, Gretchen shares the four personality types she's 0:13:41.356 --> 0:13:45.236 identified in her work, what she calls the four tendencies. 0:13:45.996 --> 0:13:49.036 Then she explains how understanding your tendency can help you 0:13:49.076 --> 0:13:55.516 become happier. We'll be back in a moment with a 0:13:55.556 --> 0:14:08.196 slight change of plans. Do you mind giving listeners an 0:14:08.196 --> 0:14:11.636 overview of or framework, namely the four tendencies? 0:14:11.996 --> 0:14:17.236 Sure? So this divides people into upholders, questioners, obligers, and rebels. 0:14:17.276 --> 0:14:19.716 And I'll describe it briefly. But if somebody wants to 0:14:19.756 --> 0:14:22.156 take a quiz and like get a report and an answer, 0:14:22.156 --> 0:14:24.396 because I know some people love a quiz and an answer, 0:14:24.876 --> 0:14:26.916 you can go to Gretchen Ruben dot com slash four 0:14:27.076 --> 0:14:30.236 Tendencies Foure Tendencies and it will. It's like three and 0:14:30.276 --> 0:14:32.076 a half million people have taken this quiz. It's free, 0:14:32.076 --> 0:14:34.316 it's quick. But I'll just describe it, and I think 0:14:34.316 --> 0:14:36.516 your listeners will know what they are. Sure, So, what 0:14:36.636 --> 0:14:39.436 it's looking at is something very narrow but significant, which 0:14:39.476 --> 0:14:43.916 is how you respond to expectations, outer expectations like a 0:14:43.956 --> 0:14:47.956 work deadline, and inner expectations like your own desire to 0:14:47.996 --> 0:14:53.476 keep a new year's resolution. So upholders readily meet outer 0:14:53.836 --> 0:14:56.916 and inner expectations. They meet the work deadline, they keep 0:14:56.956 --> 0:14:59.716 the near's resolution without much fuss. They want to know 0:14:59.756 --> 0:15:02.356 what other people expect from them, but their expectations for 0:15:02.396 --> 0:15:06.476 themselves are just as important. So their motto is discipline 0:15:06.516 --> 0:15:11.556 is my freedom. Then there are questions. Questioners question all expectations. 0:15:11.836 --> 0:15:13.876 They'll do something if they think it makes sense, So 0:15:13.876 --> 0:15:17.476 they're making everything an inner expectation. They meet inner expectations, 0:15:17.476 --> 0:15:20.636 they resist outer expectations. They don't like anything that they 0:15:20.636 --> 0:15:24.996 think is arbitrary, ineffective, unjustified. They're always looking for reasons, 0:15:25.436 --> 0:15:29.636 and so their motto is all comply if you convince me. Why. 0:15:30.396 --> 0:15:33.676 Then there are obligers, and this is the biggest tendency 0:15:33.796 --> 0:15:37.076 for both men and women. Obligers readily meet outer expectations, 0:15:37.076 --> 0:15:39.756 but they struggle to meet inner expectations. So these are 0:15:39.756 --> 0:15:42.876 people who say, I don't understand why I can keep 0:15:42.876 --> 0:15:45.116 my promises to other people, but I don't keep my 0:15:45.156 --> 0:15:49.436 promises to myself. So their motto is you can count 0:15:49.476 --> 0:15:52.316 on me, and I'm counting on you to count on me. 0:15:53.236 --> 0:15:57.156 And then finally rebels. Rebels resist all expectations out or 0:15:57.156 --> 0:15:59.236 an inter alike. They want to do what they want 0:15:59.276 --> 0:16:01.436 to do in their own way, in their own time. 0:16:01.876 --> 0:16:04.156 They can do anything they want to do, anything they 0:16:04.316 --> 0:16:06.436 choose to do. But if you ask or tell them 0:16:06.476 --> 0:16:09.276 to do something, they are very likely to resist, and 0:16:09.316 --> 0:16:12.036 typically they don't tell themselves what to do. So their 0:16:12.116 --> 0:16:16.676 motto is you can't make me, and neither cannot. So 0:16:16.796 --> 0:16:18.556 those are the four tendencies. 0:16:18.916 --> 0:16:21.596 Okay, So let's say that someone has identified what their 0:16:21.636 --> 0:16:24.356 tendency is, right, yes, can you give just a couple 0:16:24.476 --> 0:16:26.596 of illustrations of ways that they might be able to 0:16:26.636 --> 0:16:28.756 apply that to their own life in order to see 0:16:28.876 --> 0:16:31.276 greater happiness or change or whatever their goals are. 0:16:31.396 --> 0:16:34.876 Absolutely. So let's say that someone wants the habit of exercising, 0:16:34.916 --> 0:16:37.076 because that's a very common habit that people like because 0:16:37.076 --> 0:16:39.756 they know it makes them happier and more energized and 0:16:39.796 --> 0:16:41.796 sleep better. So let's say you're an obliger. That's the 0:16:41.836 --> 0:16:44.316 biggest tendency you need out our accountability. So you just 0:16:44.356 --> 0:16:45.876 need to figure out how to get that if you're 0:16:45.916 --> 0:16:48.676 a questioner. Questioners are good at forming habits once they 0:16:48.716 --> 0:16:50.356 decide that's what they want. And if you see a 0:16:50.436 --> 0:16:53.076 questioner who's sort of stalled out and says they want 0:16:53.116 --> 0:16:55.596 to form a habit, but it is having trouble even 0:16:55.636 --> 0:16:57.676 though they say, well, I know this is make me happier. 0:16:57.996 --> 0:17:00.516 It's probably because they don't have clarity. They need to 0:17:00.596 --> 0:17:03.436 know why. But it's not just like why would I exercise? 0:17:03.516 --> 0:17:05.476 It's like why am I going to do this kind 0:17:05.556 --> 0:17:08.196 of exercise? Why am I listening to this expert? Why 0:17:08.236 --> 0:17:10.276 am I doing it this way? Why am I doing 0:17:10.316 --> 0:17:13.356 it at this time of day. The more clarity they have, 0:17:13.516 --> 0:17:16.196 the more their questions are answered, the more they will 0:17:16.196 --> 0:17:19.516 have that feeling of like, oh, this makes sense. I'm 0:17:19.556 --> 0:17:25.476 in for rebels. Rebels do not tend to have good 0:17:25.596 --> 0:17:29.596 luck with things like scheduling. They tend not to like accountability, 0:17:29.756 --> 0:17:32.476 they don't like somebody looking over their shoulders. So a 0:17:32.476 --> 0:17:34.796 lot of things that work for other tendencies don't work 0:17:34.836 --> 0:17:37.236 as well for rebels. So if a rebel wanted to 0:17:37.276 --> 0:17:39.956 do this, I would say, one, think about your identity, 0:17:40.196 --> 0:17:42.876 because identity is such an important value to rebels. I'm 0:17:42.876 --> 0:17:46.196 a person who who has a strong, healthy, active body, 0:17:46.556 --> 0:17:48.756 or I love to travel and to travel like, I 0:17:48.756 --> 0:17:50.516 got to be in good shape if I want to 0:17:50.556 --> 0:17:53.076 climb mountains, if I want to get on, you know, 0:17:53.196 --> 0:17:55.236 a bus in the middle of a foreign country, I 0:17:55.716 --> 0:17:57.796 gotta bring that strength. And so of course I'm an 0:17:57.796 --> 0:18:00.756 exercise that's like part of who I am. Or it's 0:18:00.796 --> 0:18:02.716 like I'm going to go exercising in the middle of 0:18:02.756 --> 0:18:04.916 the day when I'm supposed to be working because I'm 0:18:04.916 --> 0:18:07.236 not staying behind a screen and you can't make me, 0:18:07.396 --> 0:18:09.636 you know. Or they might like a challenge rebels off 0:18:09.636 --> 0:18:11.516 and love a challenge. Hey, you think I can't run 0:18:11.516 --> 0:18:14.836 a marathon, watch me. That is what I have learned 0:18:14.996 --> 0:18:18.596 from rebels as an upholder, which is my tenancy. And 0:18:18.636 --> 0:18:21.596 so for upholders, I have to say, habits come more 0:18:21.596 --> 0:18:25.156 easily to upholders. They tend to like calendars, they like 0:18:25.196 --> 0:18:29.756 to do lists, they like execution, they like planning, and 0:18:29.796 --> 0:18:32.516 so they tend to find a lot of satisfaction in that. 0:18:33.076 --> 0:18:36.876 This is also why upholders should be aware that others 0:18:36.996 --> 0:18:40.636 often do not find it as easy and satisfying to 0:18:40.756 --> 0:18:43.356 do the things that upholders do. Upholders often think, hey, 0:18:43.436 --> 0:18:46.116 look it works for me, Just give it the program, 0:18:46.196 --> 0:18:47.836 do what I do, and you'll be it'll work for you. 0:18:47.916 --> 0:18:50.196 And it's like, no, it won't, because we're all different. 0:18:50.236 --> 0:18:52.076 We all have to figure out what works for us. 0:18:53.036 --> 0:18:55.836 So I'm curious question. I know. I mean, I've only 0:18:55.876 --> 0:18:58.476 had the joy for company for some short number of minutes. 0:18:58.476 --> 0:19:01.516 At this point, however, a little challenge for you. I 0:19:01.516 --> 0:19:02.996 know you're an uholder, not a rebel, but I'm going 0:19:03.036 --> 0:19:05.316 to give you a challenge anyway. So, Okay, I took 0:19:05.356 --> 0:19:07.516 your quiz, and I'm curious to know if you can guess, 0:19:07.556 --> 0:19:09.676 based on the very limited data you have about me 0:19:09.756 --> 0:19:11.796 so far, which tendency I fell into. 0:19:12.116 --> 0:19:15.796 Well, can I ask you how you feel about year's resolutions? 0:19:16.356 --> 0:19:19.636 Yeah? I like new yer's resolutions. I feel emboldened by them, 0:19:19.876 --> 0:19:22.156 and I usually try and take advantage of them. 0:19:22.636 --> 0:19:24.836 Do people ever tell you that you're too rigid or 0:19:24.836 --> 0:19:29.676 that you should be more spontaneous? No? Do people ever 0:19:29.676 --> 0:19:33.636 tell you that you ask too many questions? Yes? Okay, 0:19:33.716 --> 0:19:35.956 well you're leading me to think that you're a questioner 0:19:35.956 --> 0:19:39.636 who tips to upholder. That's what That's what I'm thinking now. 0:19:40.116 --> 0:19:45.916 Yes, so I am a questioner, but I will say 0:19:45.916 --> 0:19:47.996 when filling out the quiz. One challenge I faced is 0:19:48.036 --> 0:19:51.316 that depending on like the hat that I was wearing. Yeah, 0:19:51.356 --> 0:19:53.636 I know this is a very meta and very ironic. 0:19:53.876 --> 0:19:56.676 Okay, now you're going deep into questionner because questionners often 0:19:56.716 --> 0:19:59.676