Speaker 1: This girl the other day that I haven't seen in years,
Speaker 1: that we made a plan, and we made a plan
Speaker 1: like a week before, let's go out Friday Friday. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's go out Friday. Great, We're going on Friday Friday morning. Hi,
Speaker 1: what's up? Hey? Call You're back in a little while. Um,
Speaker 1: I'm out of coffee. I'll call you back. I'm like,
Speaker 1: all right, well that's grounds were just I'm at like,
Speaker 1: it was just very it was very hot, swipeeet. So
Speaker 1: then this person said to me, I can do drinks
Speaker 1: very early, meaning like five or five thirty, but I
Speaker 1: have something after. I'm like, it's my Friday night, Like
Speaker 1: I never leave my house. I'm putting I'm actually getting dressed.
Speaker 1: I'm like getting dressed and putting out some makeup. So
Speaker 1: what am I fucking Ryan? And I didn't make it
Speaker 1: for drinks, So I'm like, no, no, I'm not doing
Speaker 1: I don't do only drinks. I want the whole goddamn
Speaker 1: date and what the drinks and the dinner or we
Speaker 1: could just do the dinner, but I don't need the drinks.
Speaker 1: So I was I got I had like I got
Speaker 1: like riot by it by it by by someone for drinks.
Speaker 1: I didn't make. I don't make dinner, And also that
Speaker 1: would be something you'd want to clarify when you make
Speaker 1: the plan. I can go get together on a prime
Speaker 1: Friday night if you're gonna put some makeup on, but
Speaker 1: we can only do drinks because drinks is something I
Speaker 1: do after I have makeup on from like doing a
Speaker 1: photo shoot. I'm already lacquered and slackered and shackled up,
Speaker 1: so I'll go out for a drink, but not like designated.
Speaker 1: I'm taking a shower, blow dry my hair, and putting
Speaker 1: on some fucking makeup for drinks. Then I'm gonna feel
Speaker 1: like a loser. At seven o'clock, Where am I going?
Speaker 1: What am I doing? I'm home? My daughter was not home,
Speaker 1: Like no way, man, it's I'm sucking riot to those moms.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about what I call the tween two. The
Speaker 1: tween two, it is no I'll do it myself, and
Speaker 1: like just that mood, that after school mood. It's like
Speaker 1: and you can't really you know, you can't arrest them
Speaker 1: for total like disrespect or doing anything wrong. My kid
Speaker 1: is such a good kid. She doesn't really do anything wrong.
Speaker 1: She's amazing I come home, she's making homemade bolognes and
Speaker 1: homemade yoki a la pesto. I'm not exaggerating. It's literally
Speaker 1: like living with a renaissance woman in my house. She's
Speaker 1: making artwork and original pieces of artwork, and she's unbelievable.
Speaker 1: But when she gets off from school before that, like
Speaker 1: she's defrosted as a human being, she you know, forgets
Speaker 1: we know each other, like we we know each other
Speaker 1: like yeah, hi, hi, oh hi, it's the first The
Speaker 1: hogg is always good. The first hog is always gonna
Speaker 1: be hi. And then something's on her mind. The roller
Speaker 1: skating party is not going right. The goody bags I
Speaker 1: bought it, got so excited, spent three dollars. It's CBS
Speaker 1: made these goody bags. They have checkers, they have Yo yo's,
Speaker 1: they have Kinnectic stand, they don't have pacifiers. No, because
Speaker 1: it's it's gonna she's gonna think she's like a baby.
Speaker 1: It's gonna make her look like she's like a baby.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I didn't give them a plato. It's a bubbles.
Speaker 1: I didn't. I gave him You're going to a roller
Speaker 1: in for your birthday? So I did, Like, like those
Speaker 1: neon stick like streamers. It's completely age appropriate for eleven No, no,
Speaker 1: what do you want men to give them? Fucking lip
Speaker 1: glass and vibrators? They're eleven years old. Jesus fucking Christ.
Speaker 1: I do all I did. I did check let's just
Speaker 1: sort of you. I did walkie talkies, checkers, yo yo's
Speaker 1: glow sticks and Mike and ikes? What else was there?
Speaker 1: Walkie talk is mike and oh no, adults play you now? Okay,
Speaker 1: it wasn't a shotgun. It wasn't, you know, and it wasn't.
Speaker 1: I mean, what the hell are you expecting? I mean,
Speaker 1: good lord, you literally think I gave her like I
Speaker 1: was playing pin the pittail on the donkey. So anyway
Speaker 1: between two does when she comes home from school and
Speaker 1: she hasn't defrosted from like oh hey, hug like obligatory
Speaker 1: mom hug into like the day, and then you know,
Speaker 1: we become enemies for like a half an hour where
Speaker 1: she doesn't know that she knows me. We're sort of
Speaker 1: like we just we just passed each other at the
Speaker 1: dog park, sniffing around like we haven't paid on any
Speaker 1: trees yet. I'm just like, yeah, hi, I'm the woman
Speaker 1: who gave birth to you. I'm not sure, but I'm
Speaker 1: sure when we get into something, I'm gonna be buying
Speaker 1: you soon or doing for you. We'll get back to
Speaker 1: where we were. And then I'm like, hi, that's a
Speaker 1: tween two. And then it becomes passive aggressive back and forth,
Speaker 1: and then something happens, and then somehow, as a person
Speaker 1: that she knows on the starry she needs to ask
Speaker 1: me a question or talk to me about something, and
Speaker 1: then somehow it cracks because she realizes we do know
Speaker 1: each other. We're not perfect strangers. We actually live in
Speaker 1: the same home and you came out of my vagina.
Speaker 1: So tween two, it is a real thing. It's that hormones,
Speaker 1: those body changes, and those mood swings just a little.
Speaker 1: It's like mood swing light, God, we know each other.
Speaker 1: What do you think I was gonna? You know what
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put in your goodie bag? None chucks? Okay,
Speaker 1: brass knuckles, none chucks, A vibrator and a double barrel shotgun.
Speaker 1: Is that a good idea? Or a fifth of vodka?
Speaker 1: That's a different goodie bag. That's what we're gonna do.
Speaker 1: Because I didn't realize yo yo's and checkers were canceled
Speaker 1: for a leve year olds. What is an appropriate eleven
Speaker 1: year old? Good it's just not to do a goodie
Speaker 1: bag literally, but yeah, it's my third dollars and each
Speaker 1: What am I doing with the bag? I'll use the
Speaker 1: yo yo now she's not allowed. Now she's not allowed.
Speaker 1: Come over to use that. Nope, it's for babies. Me
Speaker 1: and my assistant and my housekeeper, and my driver, and
Speaker 1: my fiance and my neighbor at Biggie and small as
Speaker 1: my dogs. We're all gonna be fucking using the walkie
Speaker 1: talkies and yo yoing and playing checkers. They can't play checkers,
Speaker 1: they don't have imposable thumbs, but we're all gonna be
Speaker 1: doing that. They can move the they can move it
Speaker 1: with their paws. Were all, we're all gonna playing all
Speaker 1: these goodie bag games, and you're not allowed because you
Speaker 1: have a tween. Dude, do you ever notice that people
Speaker 1: just sometimes want to like be passive aggressive of they
Speaker 1: just they're in the mood. I mean, I get it.
Speaker 1: Somebody just want to slap somebody, and I get it, right,
Speaker 1: but we I was getting my nails done at a
Speaker 1: salon in like not a salon like a chop shop. Effectively,
Speaker 1: I was getting my nails done at a chop shop
Speaker 1: in Massachusetts. Um and I don't know why. I always
Speaker 1: think the Massachusetts is gonna have like the nicest, like
Speaker 1: sweetest people. I don't know. I had like three passag
Speaker 1: incidents one weekend in Boston. It was really weird. I
Speaker 1: don't know if it's like the past act stade. I'm
Speaker 1: not sure it doesn't happen in New York that much,
Speaker 1: which is shocking. Different things happened, but there was like
Speaker 1: a pass act thing going on. So I was in
Speaker 1: one incident. I was in the nail So one incident
Speaker 1: was that you know when someone's excited to tell you
Speaker 1: that you can't get the table, like it's okay, now,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, No that table, hi, I'm high? Is
Speaker 1: that No, that's reserved for someone else, you know that
Speaker 1: kind of like like there's just I'm excited to tell
Speaker 1: you this. I'm excited to tell you the following. This
Speaker 1: table is reserved for someone else. There's a bigger name
Speaker 1: on the other line, like they're just so fucking excited
Speaker 1: to fuck you right up that ass. Just you know,
Speaker 1: just this is for someone else. No, oh is there
Speaker 1: any us know those are taken as well, you know,
Speaker 1: just like one of those moods where someone you're just
Speaker 1: like wow, and then it sort of starts and then
Speaker 1: we got our order wrong, like like fully wrong. What
Speaker 1: was it? The cam like something came like paul Ard sausage,
Speaker 1: not bacon. I think I might have gotten like egg
Speaker 1: what it's got eggs? And then there was something else.
Speaker 1: There was something large, like oh, you order like a
Speaker 1: banana muff and it didn't come. Something big didn't come,
Speaker 1: something big like you order you ordered like cereal and
Speaker 1: you got open like something that's substantial, and you said
Speaker 1: something and then all of a sudden, I'm like self conscious,
Speaker 1: and Paul's like, what do you ever like feel like
Speaker 1: we just asked for something that was normal, and like
Speaker 1: we're the bad people, you know what I mean? Because
Speaker 1: we had the pass bag ins and I was like oh,
Speaker 1: and I was like yeah, I'm sorry, We're really sorry.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry we want to bacon. Like now you're the
Speaker 1: bad person and you're like apologizing, sending like condolence cards.
Speaker 1: You feel bad. Then you think about the food went
Speaker 1: back in the kitchen. We should be suffering all of
Speaker 1: it like it just was like a whole thing. So
Speaker 1: that was one of the past bag incidents. And then
Speaker 1: I can't remember the second one. It was a good
Speaker 1: one too. Oh, No, third one. It was another one
Speaker 1: at a restaurant. Oh, I know. The hostess came and
Speaker 1: sat us. Someone eventually I think told her who I was,
Speaker 1: and I'm nobody, But I'm just telling you there was
Speaker 1: a pendulum seesawce Swift in her personality. But in the
Speaker 1: beginning she came up to my table and she said, hey,
Speaker 1: how are you? And she had the menus and the
Speaker 1: drink May hear the drink menus? Have you done with
Speaker 1: us before that whole question. We assume that it's a
Speaker 1: restaurant and that there's food and chefs. The food's gonna
Speaker 1: come out smaller prices, smaller price. We got it, okay.
Speaker 1: So she said, um, I have to go greet someone else.
Speaker 1: What what do you mean. We're like, we're in a
Speaker 1: transaction right now. We're like we're here. So she said
Speaker 1: she had to go greet somewhere else. We were all like,
Speaker 1: we all loved each other. Like wow, I've never heard
Speaker 1: of that ever before. By the way, seconds another story
Speaker 1: when you come up to a hostess stand, they should
Speaker 1: put the person on hold who's called on the telephone
Speaker 1: you're standing, And I just feel like that that's just
Speaker 1: like when you get out of this you get you
Speaker 1: let the people out of the subway before you go in.
Speaker 1: You let the people out of the elevator before you
Speaker 1: go in. You let the people out of this store
Speaker 1: before you go in, even in a blizzard. And Okay,
Speaker 1: there's no caveats. That's just the rules. Okay, when you're
Speaker 1: at a host of sam, people come up, you let
Speaker 1: the you talk to the people even hike, excuse me
Speaker 1: one second. Then you finished the conversation thirty sixty seconds.
Speaker 1: If it doesn't end, then you gotta put them on
Speaker 1: hold again and deal with the person in front of you.
Speaker 1: Third past bag incident. I was in a nail salon,
Speaker 1: uh a nail like a chop shop nail salon, and
Speaker 1: they had a big TV on and the price was right.
Speaker 1: The prices right was on the ding, you know, like
Speaker 1: ding ding ding dna, dunna, like totally like and that's
Speaker 1: their choices, their salon. They have the prices right on.
Speaker 1: It was probably on like a once to ten, like
Speaker 1: a six volume like I fully heard all the prices
Speaker 1: which were right, and we're not right. I was in
Speaker 1: the game, so I was on my phone and it
Speaker 1: was probably on like A five or six too. I
Speaker 1: was watching like Instagram or TikTok and it was on there,
Speaker 1: and this woman was like three seats away from me. Incidentally,
Speaker 1: it's not important to the story, but I feel like
Speaker 1: it's important to you. She was wearing a Sear Sucker
Speaker 1: handbag and Sear Sucker pants. If you want to do
Speaker 1: some waspy Massachusetts profiling, just she had two Sear Sucker
Speaker 1: items on in April. Okay, she was ready to go
Speaker 1: for the Sear Sucker so um. And she looked over
Speaker 1: and the Price is Right was dinging. And she looked
Speaker 1: over and she said, are you watching a movie? Because
Speaker 1: my phone was on then and I said no. And
Speaker 1: then she goes, do you have earbuds? Are they called
Speaker 1: ear pods on what they called because you have earbuds,
Speaker 1: your pods whatever? I said no, and then I said
Speaker 1: the price the price is right is like we're telling
Speaker 1: us a lot to turn the prices right off. If
Speaker 1: we're telling me to turn the I I get quiet
Speaker 1: time and spot time and I'm fully down for it.
Speaker 1: And I'm one of those people who be annoyed by
Speaker 1: somebody having a business call on their air pods or
Speaker 1: wherever you call those things. I get that, but we're
Speaker 1: digging it up here, so we're doing it up all
Speaker 1: of us. But you know how she what she just
Speaker 1: was like, she was like, oh, hey, do you mind
Speaker 1: turning that down? Are you watching a movie? No? I'm
Speaker 1: watching monkey porn? What are you doing? And she liked
Speaker 1: to have your buds. I'm like, yeah, no, if you
Speaker 1: want to get into it, we'll get into it. But
Speaker 1: you could just like ask me if I don't mind
Speaker 1: turning it down, because listen, I'll you want to cut,
Speaker 1: you want to go, I'm already at any time, get
Speaker 1: your fucking sea or sucker, and we'll take the ship
Speaker 1: right outside, right now, right outside. Get your fucking acrilics,
Speaker 1: wrap them up in that foil tighter. We'll go outside
Speaker 1: and throw down Charlie Brown