Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the art Spot, the place we come to
Speaker 1: talk about relationships, all kinds of relationships. I am your facilitator,
Speaker 1: your host, your guide through this conversation. I am Yamla,
Speaker 1: so so so grateful to be here with you today
Speaker 1: as we delve into a very important conversation, a very
Speaker 1: important relationship, and that is the relationship you are having
Speaker 1: with yourself, The relationship you are having with you. Is
Speaker 1: it an intimate relationship? Is it a loving relationship? Is
Speaker 1: it a friendship? Is it a friend of meeship? You know,
Speaker 1: so very often in our lives, we're so busy trying
Speaker 1: to heal or establish or create relationships outside of ourselves
Speaker 1: that we totally ignore the relationship we're having with ourself.
Speaker 1: How we see ourselves, how we hold ourselves, how we
Speaker 1: think about ourselves, what we believe about ourselves, how we
Speaker 1: encourage or don't encourage, how we affirm or don't affirm,
Speaker 1: how we judge or criticize, tear ourselves down. And the
Speaker 1: challenge here is that it's happening from the insign out.
Speaker 1: Doesn't happen from the outside. Outside stuff just adds to
Speaker 1: what we're already doing. But it happens from the inside out.
Speaker 1: And then what happens as a result of that is
Speaker 1: that we attract people's circumstances, experiences, situations that validate what
Speaker 1: it is we're doing to ourselves. And then we get
Speaker 1: about the business of blaming the outside and never look within.
Speaker 1: Begin within, Begin within, because that's where it all starts.
Speaker 1: Here's my first calling readings. We love it and welcome
Speaker 1: to the our spot. We today are looking at the
Speaker 1: relationship we are having with ourselves. So tell me who
Speaker 1: are you and how's your relationship?
Speaker 2: Hi, thank you for taking my call. My name is Jade,
Speaker 2: I'm twenty five years old and I'm calling from South Jersey.
Speaker 2: My relationship with myself, I believe that it's nonexistent. I
Speaker 2: believe that because I feel like right now my life
Speaker 2: is unsettling. I can't seem to find a career that
Speaker 2: seems to interest me. Once I get a job, I
Speaker 2: never stay because I feel like it's I don't know,
Speaker 2: like I just don't feel I don't know, it's just
Speaker 2: sometimes I feel a little off. I'll be there for
Speaker 2: a year and then leave and then can't decide what
Speaker 2: to do. I just feel like I'm lost in direction.
Speaker 2: And I have like a couple of friendships, but I
Speaker 2: feel like I'm always expecting them to do something for me.
Speaker 2: And one day I realized, like two weeks ago, like
Speaker 2: why do I keep expecting people to do things for me?
Speaker 2: That's when I knew that my relationship with myself isn't
Speaker 2: really well.
Speaker 1: So who abandoned you? And when did that happen?
Speaker 2: Well, my dad wasn't there my whole life. He was
Speaker 2: like in and out. He would come like sometimes I
Speaker 2: was only raised by my mom.
Speaker 1: You mean like how you do jobs? Yep, yeah, there's
Speaker 1: some time you came in and out. You mean, like
Speaker 1: how you do job? Here's the good news, beloved. You're
Speaker 1: twenty five.
Speaker 3: Yeah you don't know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you will enter into your twenties, you know, floundering
Speaker 1: a little bit. My question is how do you treat
Speaker 1: yourself and how do you be with yourself? As a
Speaker 1: result of feeling lost in direction or feeling unsettled. How
Speaker 1: do you treat yourself?
Speaker 2: I believe I treat myself well, Okay, you know, whenever
Speaker 2: I feel something, I sit with it and I try
Speaker 2: to figure out what's causing it. Very attentative of like,
Speaker 2: if there's something feels a little bit off with me,
Speaker 2: I try to sit with myself and figure out what
Speaker 2: it is. But I think I treat myself kind, you know.
Speaker 2: I try to be there for myself as much as possible.
Speaker 2: But I don't know if that's really it, if I'm
Speaker 2: actually doing that.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So when you wake up and in the morning
Speaker 1: and you think about Jade, what do you think about her?
Speaker 2: I think, well, I don't wow, Fun's well, I don't.
Speaker 2: I just think about, Okay, what can I do today?
Speaker 2: What needs to be done?
Speaker 1: So you're a doer, not a beer Do you like Jaya?
Speaker 1: Do you like her?
Speaker 3: I do like Jade.
Speaker 2: I'm just trying to figure.
Speaker 1: Out who I am at twenty five. That's what you're
Speaker 1: supposed to be doing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I.
Speaker 1: Assume I'm going to assess from your conversation that you're
Speaker 1: not married and you have no children.
Speaker 2: No, not married, no children.
Speaker 1: No, Well, that's exactly what you're supposed to be doing,
Speaker 1: finding yourself. You know, in this society, we want our
Speaker 1: young people to know who they are and what they
Speaker 1: want at the age of eighteen, but we haven't given
Speaker 1: the amens to have an independent thought. We told them
Speaker 1: what to do, what to wear, when they can come,
Speaker 1: when they can go, who to talk to, who's not
Speaker 1: to talk to, what to think, and then we send
Speaker 1: them to college and say, Okay, what do you want
Speaker 1: to be?
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1: I mean, tell me something you know about Jade and
Speaker 1: what she wants to be.
Speaker 2: Well, I know that I love to write. That's something
Speaker 2: that seems to interest me. Whenever I have too much
Speaker 2: going on in my mind, I just find a journal
Speaker 2: and I just write it all out. That's what I
Speaker 2: love to do.
Speaker 1: I love to write.
Speaker 2: And I sometimes write poetry, So that's something I love
Speaker 2: to do.
Speaker 1: Okay, and what else do you know about Jaye? Tell
Speaker 1: me about her good quality.
Speaker 2: I'm definitely a kind hearted person.
Speaker 1: What does that mean?
Speaker 2: If I'm around somebody and I care for them, I
Speaker 2: love them, I would show it. I have no problem
Speaker 2: with showing my care and love. It's never inquisitive.
Speaker 1: What else. So Jade loves to write, she's interested in writing,
Speaker 1: She writes poetry. She's a kind hearted person who shares
Speaker 1: and shows her love. You know, and at your age,
Speaker 1: you are learning yourself. You are learning about yourself. Tell me, okay,
Speaker 1: so we know she's kind and all of these kind
Speaker 1: hearted writing, showing care, those are all doing. But in
Speaker 1: the hours of the night, when you're alone with Jade,
Speaker 1: what are her strengths.
Speaker 2: That's a great question. Well, I guess I don't know.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 1: See, that's how you measure your relationship with yourself, to
Speaker 1: know your strengths. What are Jade's weaknesses? What are her challenges?
Speaker 2: Weaknesses? It used to be trouble with speaking up for
Speaker 2: myself whenever somebody disrespected me. That was a weakness, Like
Speaker 2: my tongue would just be in a hat, like I
Speaker 2: just would sit there. And I realized that gave me
Speaker 2: anxiety and it maybe in it like it may be
Speaker 2: upset angry at sometimes because if I'll say I'll say
Speaker 2: that I'm going to do something and I'll start it
Speaker 2: but never finished. So I have a problem with finishing things.
Speaker 1: Commitment, commitment, yes, completion, And you're and It's interesting because
Speaker 1: doing things comes from our masculine side. So doing things
Speaker 1: to completion is a masculine because feminine is being you
Speaker 1: know how you feel doing is killing. And when you
Speaker 1: say that your dad was in and out, he didn't
Speaker 1: complete his commitment to you. So that's just the trait
Speaker 1: that you've inherited, or a trait that you've picked up
Speaker 1: watching the masculine energies in your life.
Speaker 2: Oh wow.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so at your age, your relationship with yourself really
Speaker 1: wouldn't be that strong because you're still getting to know yourself.
Speaker 1: You're still getting to know. Okay, you do have a
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself that may not be strong yet, and
Speaker 1: that relationship really is about you. Putting Jade first is
Speaker 1: your first consideration. Understanding what her values are, Understanding what
Speaker 1: her strengths are, her weaknesses are, Understanding you know what
Speaker 1: it is that she really desires.
Speaker 4: If you love to write, don't you write, what would
Speaker 4: that writing look like? Because Jade likes that, she's probably
Speaker 4: good at it, she wants to do it, So how
Speaker 4: can you support her in getting that skill, that gift,
Speaker 4: that talent.
Speaker 2: Honestly, feel like it's fear that's holding me back from
Speaker 2: wanting to do those things.
Speaker 1: Instead of trying to get a degree. Let her focus
Speaker 1: on what it is that she likes, because when you
Speaker 1: have a good relationship with yourself, you find your genius zone.
Speaker 1: Your genius zone is that thing that you're good at,
Speaker 1: that thing that you love, that thing that rises you
Speaker 1: above everything and everybody else. And then you focus there.
Speaker 1: And again, you're twenty five, You don't you know yourself
Speaker 1: like a forty year old would know themselves, right, because
Speaker 1: you're still learning that. But when you come in saying
Speaker 1: my relationship is non existing, my life is unsettled, I
Speaker 1: don't have no direction. Well, because you're not paying attention
Speaker 1: to what Jade is good at. Okay, give her a break.
Speaker 1: You know, she's kind of me and she's tamed the
Speaker 1: evil lip monster that used to take control of her tongue.
Speaker 1: Got to watch that evil lip monster. You know, it'll
Speaker 1: jump on your tongue and just wag it all over town. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: what is Do you know Jade's favorite color? Do you
Speaker 1: know her favorite food? Do you know what makes her weep?
Speaker 1: Do you know what makes her laugh?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I know all those things.
Speaker 1: Okay, So why do you think you don't have a
Speaker 1: good relationship with yourself, Miss twenty five year old.
Speaker 2: I don't know, because I guess the way I show
Speaker 2: up in my friendships and then my last relationship, I
Speaker 2: was expecting too much of the person I was like.
Speaker 2: I feel like that was like me, you know, not
Speaker 2: being there for myself.
Speaker 1: You're probably expecting too much of yourself at twenty five.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
Speaker 1: You've given yourself permission not to have kids, not to
Speaker 1: be attached or deeply committed in a relationship. Right now,
Speaker 1: this is your time. You know, there's a song by
Speaker 1: what's her name, Kelly? I can't remember her last name.
Speaker 1: See that's what you have to look forward to, Miss
Speaker 1: twenty five year old, losing your memory. But I know
Speaker 1: that about myself. Okay, it's my time to shine. You know,
Speaker 1: learning the different aspects of you, learning your diva, learning
Speaker 1: your prince says, learning your medicine woman, learning your elk,
Speaker 1: you know, the queen, the hag, you know, different aspects
Speaker 1: of you. Knowing all of those things about you doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that you'll always like you or get along with you,
Speaker 1: but you love you, you don't self in harm's way.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you may have.
Speaker 1: I heard you say that when something is pressing you
Speaker 1: that you sit down and you write about it or
Speaker 1: you process yourself through it. That's how you deal with conflict.
Speaker 1: When you're in a relationship with somebody else, you deal
Speaker 1: with conflict. You sit down and you talk about it.
Speaker 1: I talk to myself. You put it in the journal,
Speaker 1: so you know, pickup right, give yourself a break. And
Speaker 1: this thing about expecting too much of people in relationships,
Speaker 1: there's a distinction between expecting too much and attracting people
Speaker 1: who can't give you what you desire.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: I think you might be on the latter portion because
Speaker 1: of some unresolved stuff with Daddy. You may be attracting
Speaker 1: close or intimate relationships with people who continue to disappoint
Speaker 1: you the way he did. Okay, have you resolved that
Speaker 1: stuff with him yet?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: Because it never really bothered me when I was a
Speaker 2: kid when he wasn't there. Oh that's what you think, Yeah,
Speaker 2: that's how I felt like. I never missed him when
Speaker 2: he wasn't there, but when he would come, it would
Speaker 2: be you know, I would like to see him. But
Speaker 2: if he would leave it in like I don't like, like,
Speaker 2: I don't really like remember it bothering me?
Speaker 1: Well, because children are very adaptable, But it's not the
Speaker 1: conscious mind that we're concerned about. When we look at
Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself. Your relationship with yourself is going
Speaker 1: to mirror the relationship you experienced between birth and five.
Speaker 1: That's what it's going to mirror, because that's how you learn.
Speaker 1: So you're telling me in and out, you're in and
Speaker 1: out of job. You didn't know where he was or
Speaker 1: what he was doing. Well, your life is unsettling and
Speaker 1: you don't have no direction. That's a mirror beloving. Does
Speaker 1: that make sense to you?
Speaker 2: It does make sense, yes.
Speaker 1: So what I would encourage you to do moving forward
Speaker 1: is again give yourself the opportunity to let go of
Speaker 1: the fact that you're twenty five and you feel unsettled,
Speaker 1: or the fact that you may not have any direction,
Speaker 1: but think about the things that Jade is good at
Speaker 1: and focus there. What do you think a good relationship
Speaker 1: with yourself would look like? What would that look like
Speaker 1: and how would it feel?
Speaker 2: I guess just showing up for myself, just being there
Speaker 2: for myself and like catering to myself learning how to
Speaker 2: love myself. I'm hoping for it to feel good. I
Speaker 2: feel peace, because that's what I've been wanting lately, is
Speaker 2: to feel peace within myself and my life.
Speaker 1: Well, I want to tell you a secret. Don't tell anybody.
Speaker 1: It's okay.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 1: Sometimes as children, when we have a very deep hurt
Speaker 1: or deep break, because we don't have the cognitive development,
Speaker 1: the intellectual development to deal with it, what we do
Speaker 1: is we kind of leave home, meaning we leave our heart,
Speaker 1: we leave our thoughts, we leave our feelings. We just
Speaker 1: become what I call neck down dead, and we know
Speaker 1: how to do and we go through the motions, but
Speaker 1: we're just not present. The best way for you to
Speaker 1: have a relationship with yourself is to just be present,
Speaker 1: get in your body and feel what you feel. It
Speaker 1: makes me nervous that you say it didn't really bother you,
Speaker 1: that your dad wasn't there that bothered. That makes me
Speaker 1: nervous because that tells me nobody's home. There is no
Speaker 1: daughter that doesn't want her daddy. There just isn't. That
Speaker 1: just doesn't happen. Right, Your soul is going to look
Speaker 1: for both sides of your experience, both sides of your expression,
Speaker 1: and in order to have a good relationship with yourself,
Speaker 1: you want to know those things. Not daddy wasn't here
Speaker 1: and he left me and blah blah blah, But who
Speaker 1: is my father as a man and who is my
Speaker 1: mother as a woman? And how do those things impact Jade? Oh?
Speaker 1: Jay doesn't speak up just like her mom, or Jay
Speaker 1: doesn't complete things just like Okay, So what does Jade
Speaker 1: need to do today to live beyond those things? Does
Speaker 1: that make sense to you?
Speaker 2: Yes? It does.
Speaker 1: Those are the things that you want to learn about
Speaker 1: yourself so that you can find your genius zone that's
Speaker 1: your that override some of the programming that you inherited,
Speaker 1: and really be present with who you are today. You've
Speaker 1: got some time, but never again say you don't have
Speaker 1: a relationship with yourself simply because you don't know what
Speaker 1: career you want. Let's take floundering and make it discovery.
Speaker 1: How's my relationship with myself? Well, I'm discovering all of
Speaker 1: who I am, what I'm good at, what I'm not
Speaker 1: good at, what I like, what I don't like, what
Speaker 1: strengthens me? You know? And why attract these people that
Speaker 1: can't give me what I think it is I need
Speaker 1: and do I really need it from them? And how
Speaker 1: can I give it to myself? So I don't have
Speaker 1: to depend on anybody. You don't go into relationships like
Speaker 1: a you need a transmission. You go into a relationship to,
Speaker 1: you know, put some more spark plugs in the one
Speaker 1: that you what you already had. Young. Oh poor thing.
Speaker 3: Well, thank you so much.
Speaker 2: I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: I appreciate you, miss Jade. Take your time, learn who
Speaker 1: you are, and you'll see that relationship will deepen.
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, okay, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Thank you. I think that we push our young people
Speaker 1: too fast. At twenty five, she thinks she's lost when
Speaker 1: she really is just learning herself. She's growing that relationship
Speaker 1: with herself growing and not even aware that. And I
Speaker 1: could be wrong, you know, I'm always willing to be wrong,
Speaker 1: but I think there's a severe disconnect going on there.
Speaker 1: Anytime my daughter doesn't care that her daddy wasn't there,
Speaker 1: that says that there's some uncovered stuff and it'll show
Speaker 1: up in our relationships. And just to know how it
Speaker 1: felt as little Jade not to have daddy there, to
Speaker 1: have daddy come and go, And this is for anybody
Speaker 1: you know, where is that feeling? Where are those thoughts
Speaker 1: and how are they showing up in your life today?
Speaker 1: It seems to me, for my last guess at showing
Speaker 1: up in her way that she earns her living or
Speaker 1: the way that she provides for herself in and out
Speaker 1: of jobs not settled, which is a direct reflection of
Speaker 1: her relationship with daddy, and it's going to impact her
Speaker 1: relationship with herself. So it's important that we understand, not
Speaker 1: get stuck in, not dwell upon, but that we understand
Speaker 1: what did I see from the masculine side and the
Speaker 1: feminine side from father, mother, or feminine caregiver, masculine caregiver
Speaker 1: as a little person, because that is going to influence
Speaker 1: our relationship ship with ourselves. Listen, we've got more to
Speaker 1: talk about. Let's see what my next caller has to say. Greetings, beloved,
Speaker 1: and welcome to the R Spot. Today we're talking about
Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself. So how is your relationship with
Speaker 1: you going?
Speaker 3: I'm doing good. So yeah, the other day when I
Speaker 3: saw you posted your video about relationship with yourself, it
Speaker 3: got me thinking. At first, I was like, yeah, my
Speaker 3: relationship is really good actually, and then the more you talked,
Speaker 3: and the more I thought about it, I'm like, actually,
Speaker 3: maybe not so good as I thought, So I would
Speaker 3: have to say, yeah, it definitely got me thinking more
Speaker 3: and kind of feeling that I feel like really disconnected
Speaker 3: relationship with myself lately and just kind of going through
Speaker 3: the motions and kind of feeling lost in a way.
Speaker 1: Tell me about the disconnect. How are you experiencing that
Speaker 1: I feel disconnected?
Speaker 3: I guess from showing a part of myself to the world,
Speaker 3: Like when I go out and actually have to do
Speaker 3: things and be in front of people, I guess I
Speaker 3: feel like I'm putting on this happy face and that's
Speaker 3: not really how I'm feeling on the inside.
Speaker 1: So in terms of your relationship with yourself, what that
Speaker 1: says is that you honor or acknowledge your feelings because
Speaker 1: you don't have to walk back to me. If you
Speaker 1: wake up one day feeling ugly, that don't mean you
Speaker 1: knock your teeth it out and you go out with
Speaker 1: your hair and comb It just means that if you
Speaker 1: have to honor what's going going on inside of you,
Speaker 1: that is one way that you need work and grow
Speaker 1: a good relationship with yourself. That's often a hidden message
Speaker 1: that you may have received as a little person, that
Speaker 1: my feelings don't matter.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, that was one of the things I was
Speaker 3: thinking of too. Is I feel very unheard sometimes? Okay,
Speaker 3: so that's funny you say that because I feel like, yeah,
Speaker 3: sometimes it's my voice just gives.
Speaker 1: Is that what you experienced as a little person, your
Speaker 1: voice got overlooked?
Speaker 3: Yeah? I could. I could definitely see that. My parents
Speaker 3: were going through a lot of things growing up, I think,
Speaker 3: and I don't think they realize how that affected us
Speaker 3: when we were little, me and my brother. Yeah, it
Speaker 3: would often be very loud in the house, but not
Speaker 3: our voice.
Speaker 1: So if I were to say to you, in your
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself today, how you see yourself, how you
Speaker 1: hold yourself, what you feel about yourself? If I were
Speaker 1: to say to you, my voice matters, repeat that for me.
Speaker 1: My voice matters.
Speaker 3: My voice matters. Do you believe that I do? I do.
Speaker 3: I guess I just have become more guarded with my voice.
Speaker 3: You have like, who deserves to hear what I have
Speaker 3: to say?
Speaker 1: You judge? What what do you have to say?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: It's right, wrong, or indifferent. So that's not going to
Speaker 1: grow a good relationship with you. That's self judgement. We'll
Speaker 1: talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. They're
Speaker 1: going to turn on me. I'm saying the wrong thing.
Speaker 1: That's self judgment. Do you know you're inner critic? And
Speaker 1: what is your critic's favorite line to you? Do you
Speaker 1: know that?
Speaker 3: I mean the first thing that popped up was that
Speaker 3: you're not good enough, not.
Speaker 1: Good enough, Yeah, that's the critic.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're not good enough.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and therefore you're gonna do it wrong. Does that
Speaker 1: sound going to do the wrong Yeah, stay the wrong.
Speaker 3: Thing right right. I've turned to music to kind of
Speaker 3: be my own voice, like to I feel like that's
Speaker 3: my therapy for being able to say what I want
Speaker 3: to say how I want to say it.
Speaker 1: So, what's your favorite song today?
Speaker 3: You know it just came out actually, I don't know
Speaker 3: if you know Chloe and Haley, Yeah, the duo Haley
Speaker 3: just put out a new song called in Your Hands.
Speaker 1: What do you like about that song?
Speaker 3: What I took from it was she's saying your hands,
Speaker 3: you know, you have the whole world in your hands
Speaker 3: with me in it is how it goes like with me,
Speaker 3: you can do anything, okay.
Speaker 1: So that means your voice is in your hands. That
Speaker 1: means your feelings are in your hands. That means what
Speaker 1: you say is in your hands. That means you don't
Speaker 1: have to worry about what somebody else is going to
Speaker 1: think or say about what you do and whether it's
Speaker 1: good enough or not good en. It's in your hands
Speaker 1: right as you deep in your relationship with yourself, those
Speaker 1: are the things that you want to remember because it
Speaker 1: feels to me, and I could be very wrong, that
Speaker 1: you're not current with yourself. You're still dealing with yourself
Speaker 1: as the little person whose voice didn't matter, whose feelings
Speaker 1: didn't matter, who had to hide their feelings because there
Speaker 1: was a lot of noise going on. There's a lot
Speaker 1: of noise in the world today, so you know that's
Speaker 1: get triggered up really really easy.
Speaker 3: A few years ago, I felt so different. There's been
Speaker 3: just a lot of life changing.
Speaker 1: Somebody broke your heart.
Speaker 3: Would that be accurate, Yeah, yeah, that would be accurate.
Speaker 1: Yeah, somebody to your heart, and now you all down
Speaker 1: on yourself. What did you learn from that heartbreak?
Speaker 3: The main thing that I learned was I was giving.
Speaker 3: I kept giving a lot and not receiving the same back.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm.
Speaker 3: But just to be more careful with not just you know,
Speaker 3: keep giving and giving and giving when you're not getting
Speaker 3: barely anything back.
Speaker 1: Okay, So listen, when you have a good relationship with yourself,
Speaker 1: you take stuff like that and you turn it around you.
Speaker 1: You don't make yourself wrong for it. A good relationship
Speaker 1: with yourself means you always gonna win. So first of all,
Speaker 1: that person, it's their loss. It's their loss. Oh you
Speaker 1: didn't see how wonderful and marvelous impressions I am. Okay,
Speaker 1: sorry for you, stupid, No, don't. You don't have to
Speaker 1: say that, but you turn it around. Okay, so you
Speaker 1: saundered your resources. Write that down. Okay, I have to
Speaker 1: be mindful not to squander your resources. Get the awareness
Speaker 1: for you, and then you can't do that if you're
Speaker 1: looking at what the other person did. All right, let
Speaker 1: me work on that. When you're growing a better relationship
Speaker 1: with yourself, you take everything that happens and use it
Speaker 1: as fuel in your tank. And if you're always looking
Speaker 1: at the other person, you're going to get drained. I
Speaker 1: gave and they didn't give. Why didn't they give? Me back.
Speaker 1: So no, okay, I have a tendency to give too much.
Speaker 1: Why am I giving too much? What was I give?
Speaker 3: Was?
Speaker 1: Is I giving to get? Or am I just a
Speaker 1: giving person? If I'm just a giving person? Well, what
Speaker 1: the hell, it doesn't matter what I get back?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 1: When you were giving all of this, what were you
Speaker 1: going for? What were you going for?
Speaker 3: Love?
Speaker 1: Okay? So you think that love about giving and getting.
Speaker 1: Oh that's a good message. I have a belief that
Speaker 1: I have to give something in order to get love.
Speaker 1: Let me work on that. Let me work on that,
Speaker 1: to give anything to get love. Because I am loved.
Speaker 1: Love is in my hands. Ain't that what Chloe said
Speaker 1: or Haley or whoever said it?
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1: Love is in my hands. So I don't have to
Speaker 1: give to get. What else were you going for? Were
Speaker 1: you trying to prove your worth? Prove your value? So
Speaker 1: what does that tell you? You're growing your relationship with yourself. Okay,
Speaker 1: I may have to look at myself worth. I may
Speaker 1: have to look at my self value and why I
Speaker 1: think I have to prove my worth and value to
Speaker 1: other people. Let me look at that. That's how you
Speaker 1: build your relationship with yourself. And let's get clear about
Speaker 1: what value and worth are, Okay, how you hold yourself
Speaker 1: within yourself, how you hold yourself, how you think about yourself,
Speaker 1: what you believe about yourself within yourself. So if we're
Speaker 1: flushed from the place of I'm not good enough, well
Speaker 1: we're gonna have some value issues. That's what your in
Speaker 1: a critic is saying. See, if you were good they
Speaker 1: would be giving you back what you're giving them. If
Speaker 1: you were good enough, then you would be feeling better.
Speaker 1: If you were good enough, you wouldn't have to prove
Speaker 1: you got to prove who that's the inner critic, tell
Speaker 1: that puppy to sit down and shut.
Speaker 3: Out right right.
Speaker 1: Self value has nothing to do with anyone else. But
Speaker 1: what self value value does is it determines your self worth. Now,
Speaker 1: self worth is how you hold yourself within yourself and
Speaker 1: what you expect from others as a result of how
Speaker 1: you're holding yourself within yourself. So if your self as
Speaker 1: I'm not good enough, then you're going to expect people
Speaker 1: to demand more, require more, requests more so that you
Speaker 1: can prove your value to them. And that's where the
Speaker 1: giving more than you're getting comes from. I got to
Speaker 1: prove my value. So I gotta gift in order to
Speaker 1: get love. I got to prove that I am enough.
Speaker 1: I got to prove that I'm worthy of their love,
Speaker 1: their time, their energy, their attention. Yeah, so self value
Speaker 1: and self work. Oh boy, imagine you would have never
Speaker 1: learned those things about yourself if you hadn't had your
Speaker 1: heart broken. Yeah, you don't sound impressed.
Speaker 3: Me. I definitely can relate to all of that. It
Speaker 3: all clicks and makes sense. I just I guess I'm
Speaker 3: still still working on that, or still trying to let
Speaker 3: that soak in because I feel like I'm a confident person,
Speaker 3: or like I do feel like i'm uh, you know,
Speaker 3: proud of myself in certain aspects, and you know, I'm
Speaker 3: happy with the way I look and carry myself. But yeah,
Speaker 3: I'm at the same time, it's still still a little wobbly.
Speaker 3: I guess I'm still getting to learn who I am
Speaker 3: and that Yeah, in a relationship, I guess with myself.
Speaker 1: And well, we all are. I'm twice your agent. It's
Speaker 1: back and forth with me sometimes. But I find it
Speaker 1: interesting that you thought your relationship with yourself was fine
Speaker 1: and then you heard something that made you question it
Speaker 1: and yet you say you're confident. You may hear things
Speaker 1: you say, Oh okay, let me see how that applies
Speaker 1: to me, but not let it destroy your whole relationship
Speaker 1: with yourself because of something you heard.
Speaker 3: Right, right, You want.
Speaker 1: To start with self awareness. Here's some awarenesses that you
Speaker 1: brought forth that I want to encourage you to hold
Speaker 1: on to and maybe investigate a little more. Okay, you
Speaker 1: have an inner critic, that's you think you're not good enough.
Speaker 1: So even though you like the you look, that's external.
Speaker 1: How does it feel when you're walking down the street? Well,
Speaker 1: how does it feel when you like, as you said,
Speaker 1: you're speaking out in front of people? If you're confident
Speaker 1: not just in your looks, but in who you are
Speaker 1: and not self awareness? Who are you? Who are you
Speaker 1: in the late nine hours when nobody's around? Who are
Speaker 1: you when you first wake up in the morning, in
Speaker 1: your breath stinks? Who are you?
Speaker 3: Then?
Speaker 1: Do you like that person? Are you okay with that person?
Speaker 1: Because it's not about what the world thinks, it's about
Speaker 1: what you think. When you stand naked in front of
Speaker 1: the mirror and you look at yourself, do you say,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I need what? I need? Some help?
Speaker 1: Or do you say, all right, we're gonna work on this.
Speaker 1: And belly is looking a little strange there, and the
Speaker 1: buddy's a little too much relationship with yourself. See I
Speaker 1: take off my clothes and stand the mirror. I bust
Speaker 1: out laughing like, oh God, what are you doing down there?
Speaker 1: Get up? But I don't let that stop me from
Speaker 1: sharing my voice or going for what I want, or
Speaker 1: you know, standing firmly in who I am. And if
Speaker 1: you find something that's a little shaky, don't beat yourself
Speaker 1: up about it. What do I need to do to strengthen?
Speaker 1: What do I need to do to stop myself from
Speaker 1: giving more than I need, want or desire? What do
Speaker 1: I need to do when I'm dressing nice or speaking
Speaker 1: out or not speaking out? Because the belief is, the
Speaker 1: criticism is I'm not good enough self awareness because you
Speaker 1: cannot relationship with somebody you don't know right what set
Speaker 1: you off? Do you know that? What will make you
Speaker 1: act like a total plumb fool? Do you know what
Speaker 1: that is?
Speaker 3: I don't.
Speaker 1: Oh you need to know that that way, but you
Speaker 1: can guard yourself, Okay? Do you know what makes you weep?
Speaker 1: What will make you weep? No matter who's in the room.
Speaker 1: Do you know that?
Speaker 3: Not really?
Speaker 1: You know you need to know that. See, for me,
Speaker 1: it's abusive children. When I see children being treated badly,
Speaker 1: I'm the first thing I'm gonna do. And then I'm
Speaker 1: a weep because I was treated and so it choose
Speaker 1: that for me.
Speaker 3: I see what you mean. Yeah, definitely, I mean that
Speaker 3: would be for sure one of them.
Speaker 1: And you know what else makes me weep? And I
Speaker 1: can't find Law and Order on it just I just
Speaker 1: want to weep. I can't find an episode of the
Speaker 1: original Law and Order. I can't yes the moment because
Speaker 1: it was just not on anywhere. It was terrible. And
Speaker 1: if you believe that you have a good relationship with you,
Speaker 1: don't let anybody change that when something comes up and
Speaker 1: you say, okay, well let me investigate that. All right.
Speaker 1: I don't know what makes me. I don't know what's
Speaker 1: gonna set me off. Oh okay, let me let me
Speaker 1: pay attention. Let me just pay attention.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I like that for surely.
Speaker 1: Here's one one way that you can really have a relationship,
Speaker 1: grow a relationship, and deepen your relationship with yourself, And
Speaker 1: that is what is your vision for your life? What
Speaker 1: is your vision for your life and what is being
Speaker 1: required of you to manifest that vision? Because that's going
Speaker 1: to show you your strength, your weaknesses. It's going to
Speaker 1: bring up the judge, the critic, and you just want
Speaker 1: want to be aware of these things and then you
Speaker 1: know how to work through them, with them, around them,
Speaker 1: over them, listening to your voice as you pursue your vision.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1: Do you know who you want to be at fifty?
Speaker 1: You got fourteen years sixteen?
Speaker 3: Yes, I do. I guess it's constantly changing, like where
Speaker 3: I thought I would be at my age now, but
Speaker 3: I would be.
Speaker 1: A nurse all my life and I'm not a nurse.
Speaker 1: I don't get to wear a white uniform because nurses
Speaker 1: don't even wear white uniforms anymore. But okay, so the
Speaker 1: vision shifted, but the ultimate experience has and I'm still
Speaker 1: doing yealing work, just in another level.
Speaker 3: Yeah, thank you so much for that.
Speaker 5: Self awareness, self value, self worth, understanding how that critic
Speaker 5: talks to you, and really moving towards your vision a
Speaker 5: little bit at a time, day by day, allowing the
Speaker 5: vision to pull you forward.
Speaker 1: That's how you're going to deepen your relationship with yourself.
Speaker 1: Thank you for calling Okay.
Speaker 3: Of course, thank you.
Speaker 1: If I had to give five pillars or five steps
Speaker 1: toward developing a relationship with yourself, they would be this,
Speaker 1: come on, write this down. Number one, self respect, give
Speaker 1: yourself the benefit of the doubt and know that you
Speaker 1: are worthy of your own time, energy resources. That's number
Speaker 1: one self respect. Number two self value, how you see
Speaker 1: yourself and hold yourself within yourself. What you think about yourself,
Speaker 1: what you feel about yourself, what you believe about yourself.
Speaker 1: Being on the lookout always for that inner judge and
Speaker 1: that inner critic that's going to tell you you're not enough,
Speaker 1: you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, tell them things.
Speaker 1: To shut the hell out, go somewhere in sit out,
Speaker 1: and really build yourself value, because your self value leads
Speaker 1: to your self worth. How you see yourself and hold
Speaker 1: yourself within yourself. That determines what you expect from other people.
Speaker 1: And so very often we have low self value, but
Speaker 1: we're demanding, requesting, requiring big things from the world from
Speaker 1: other people, but we don't even value ourselves enough to
Speaker 1: know that we're worthy of having it. Self respect, self value,
Speaker 1: self worth. Did I say that self respect, self value,
Speaker 1: self worth. Self awareness. Hello, you got to know you're ugly,
Speaker 1: know you're pretty, know you're crazy. You got to know
Speaker 1: all of them things about yourself and how they impact
Speaker 1: your value, your worth, and your respect. All right, so
Speaker 1: self awareness. You may even want to put that first.
Speaker 1: Self awareness. Do you value yourself or do you value
Speaker 1: every thing and everyone other than you? I hope that
Speaker 1: you know something now that you didn't know. When you're
Speaker 1: tuned in, and until we meet again, stay in peace
Speaker 1: and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from
Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.