1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,680 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:08,640 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:17,799 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:32,880 Speaker 1: r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 6 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:40,680 Speaker 1: Welcome to the art Spot, the place we come to 7 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:47,840 Speaker 1: talk about relationships, all kinds of relationships. I am your facilitator, 8 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:53,280 Speaker 1: your host, your guide through this conversation. I am Yamla, 9 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:57,480 Speaker 1: so so so grateful to be here with you today 10 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:03,200 Speaker 1: as we delve into a very important conversation, a very 11 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:08,600 Speaker 1: important relationship, and that is the relationship you are having 12 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:14,120 Speaker 1: with yourself, The relationship you are having with you. Is 13 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:18,280 Speaker 1: it an intimate relationship? Is it a loving relationship? Is 14 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:23,240 Speaker 1: it a friendship? Is it a friend of meeship? You know, 15 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:26,720 Speaker 1: so very often in our lives, we're so busy trying 16 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:31,840 Speaker 1: to heal or establish or create relationships outside of ourselves 17 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:37,800 Speaker 1: that we totally ignore the relationship we're having with ourself. 18 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:41,759 Speaker 1: How we see ourselves, how we hold ourselves, how we 19 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:46,479 Speaker 1: think about ourselves, what we believe about ourselves, how we 20 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:50,400 Speaker 1: encourage or don't encourage, how we affirm or don't affirm, 21 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:56,040 Speaker 1: how we judge or criticize, tear ourselves down. And the 22 00:01:56,200 --> 00:02:00,960 Speaker 1: challenge here is that it's happening from the insign out. 23 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:05,040 Speaker 1: Doesn't happen from the outside. Outside stuff just adds to 24 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:09,600 Speaker 1: what we're already doing. But it happens from the inside out. 25 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:13,520 Speaker 1: And then what happens as a result of that is 26 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:20,679 Speaker 1: that we attract people's circumstances, experiences, situations that validate what 27 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,799 Speaker 1: it is we're doing to ourselves. And then we get 28 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:28,760 Speaker 1: about the business of blaming the outside and never look within. 29 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:35,960 Speaker 1: Begin within, Begin within, because that's where it all starts. 30 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:41,639 Speaker 1: Here's my first calling readings. We love it and welcome 31 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:45,960 Speaker 1: to the our spot. We today are looking at the 32 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:50,280 Speaker 1: relationship we are having with ourselves. So tell me who 33 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,480 Speaker 1: are you and how's your relationship? 34 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,400 Speaker 2: Hi, thank you for taking my call. My name is Jade, 35 00:02:55,440 --> 00:03:00,000 Speaker 2: I'm twenty five years old and I'm calling from South Jersey. 36 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:06,680 Speaker 2: My relationship with myself, I believe that it's nonexistent. I 37 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,920 Speaker 2: believe that because I feel like right now my life 38 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:13,600 Speaker 2: is unsettling. I can't seem to find a career that 39 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,440 Speaker 2: seems to interest me. Once I get a job, I 40 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,000 Speaker 2: never stay because I feel like it's I don't know, 41 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:21,600 Speaker 2: like I just don't feel I don't know, it's just 42 00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:24,360 Speaker 2: sometimes I feel a little off. I'll be there for 43 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 2: a year and then leave and then can't decide what 44 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:28,520 Speaker 2: to do. I just feel like I'm lost in direction. 45 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,320 Speaker 2: And I have like a couple of friendships, but I 46 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:35,120 Speaker 2: feel like I'm always expecting them to do something for me. 47 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,360 Speaker 2: And one day I realized, like two weeks ago, like 48 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,600 Speaker 2: why do I keep expecting people to do things for me? 49 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:43,440 Speaker 2: That's when I knew that my relationship with myself isn't 50 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:43,920 Speaker 2: really well. 51 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:48,120 Speaker 1: So who abandoned you? And when did that happen? 52 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:54,080 Speaker 2: Well, my dad wasn't there my whole life. He was 53 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:57,880 Speaker 2: like in and out. He would come like sometimes I 54 00:03:57,920 --> 00:03:59,520 Speaker 2: was only raised by my mom. 55 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:04,800 Speaker 1: You mean like how you do jobs? Yep, yeah, there's 56 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:07,240 Speaker 1: some time you came in and out. You mean, like 57 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,800 Speaker 1: how you do job? Here's the good news, beloved. You're 58 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:11,560 Speaker 1: twenty five. 59 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,120 Speaker 3: Yeah you don't know. 60 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:19,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, you will enter into your twenties, you know, floundering 61 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:23,720 Speaker 1: a little bit. My question is how do you treat 62 00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:28,320 Speaker 1: yourself and how do you be with yourself? As a 63 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:33,080 Speaker 1: result of feeling lost in direction or feeling unsettled. How 64 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,120 Speaker 1: do you treat yourself? 65 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:38,200 Speaker 2: I believe I treat myself well, Okay, you know, whenever 66 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,400 Speaker 2: I feel something, I sit with it and I try 67 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,920 Speaker 2: to figure out what's causing it. Very attentative of like, 68 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,479 Speaker 2: if there's something feels a little bit off with me, 69 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:48,159 Speaker 2: I try to sit with myself and figure out what 70 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,680 Speaker 2: it is. But I think I treat myself kind, you know. 71 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,720 Speaker 2: I try to be there for myself as much as possible. 72 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,480 Speaker 2: But I don't know if that's really it, if I'm 73 00:04:57,520 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 2: actually doing that. 74 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 1: Yeah. So when you wake up and in the morning 75 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,599 Speaker 1: and you think about Jade, what do you think about her? 76 00:05:03,839 --> 00:05:07,559 Speaker 2: I think, well, I don't wow, Fun's well, I don't. 77 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:10,640 Speaker 2: I just think about, Okay, what can I do today? 78 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:11,719 Speaker 2: What needs to be done? 79 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,880 Speaker 1: So you're a doer, not a beer Do you like Jaya? 80 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:16,320 Speaker 1: Do you like her? 81 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:17,800 Speaker 3: I do like Jade. 82 00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:19,440 Speaker 2: I'm just trying to figure. 83 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,600 Speaker 1: Out who I am at twenty five. That's what you're 84 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:23,719 Speaker 1: supposed to be doing. 85 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, and I. 86 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,719 Speaker 1: Assume I'm going to assess from your conversation that you're 87 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,479 Speaker 1: not married and you have no children. 88 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,200 Speaker 2: No, not married, no children. 89 00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:37,360 Speaker 1: No, Well, that's exactly what you're supposed to be doing, 90 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 1: finding yourself. You know, in this society, we want our 91 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,480 Speaker 1: young people to know who they are and what they 92 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,320 Speaker 1: want at the age of eighteen, but we haven't given 93 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:49,360 Speaker 1: the amens to have an independent thought. We told them 94 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:51,560 Speaker 1: what to do, what to wear, when they can come, 95 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:54,400 Speaker 1: when they can go, who to talk to, who's not 96 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,600 Speaker 1: to talk to, what to think, and then we send 97 00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,839 Speaker 1: them to college and say, Okay, what do you want 98 00:05:58,839 --> 00:05:59,039 Speaker 1: to be? 99 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:02,400 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's true. 100 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:06,200 Speaker 1: I mean, tell me something you know about Jade and 101 00:06:06,279 --> 00:06:07,640 Speaker 1: what she wants to be. 102 00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:10,320 Speaker 2: Well, I know that I love to write. That's something 103 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:13,920 Speaker 2: that seems to interest me. Whenever I have too much 104 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,120 Speaker 2: going on in my mind, I just find a journal 105 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,159 Speaker 2: and I just write it all out. That's what I 106 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 2: love to do. 107 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:19,880 Speaker 1: I love to write. 108 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:23,920 Speaker 2: And I sometimes write poetry, So that's something I love 109 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:24,279 Speaker 2: to do. 110 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,520 Speaker 1: Okay, and what else do you know about Jaye? Tell 111 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:28,800 Speaker 1: me about her good quality. 112 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,480 Speaker 2: I'm definitely a kind hearted person. 113 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:33,000 Speaker 1: What does that mean? 114 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:36,279 Speaker 2: If I'm around somebody and I care for them, I 115 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,760 Speaker 2: love them, I would show it. I have no problem 116 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:42,039 Speaker 2: with showing my care and love. It's never inquisitive. 117 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:46,960 Speaker 1: What else. So Jade loves to write, she's interested in writing, 118 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:52,400 Speaker 1: She writes poetry. She's a kind hearted person who shares 119 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:57,240 Speaker 1: and shows her love. You know, and at your age, 120 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:03,000 Speaker 1: you are learning yourself. You are learning about yourself. Tell me, okay, 121 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:07,120 Speaker 1: so we know she's kind and all of these kind 122 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:11,520 Speaker 1: hearted writing, showing care, those are all doing. But in 123 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 1: the hours of the night, when you're alone with Jade, 124 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:17,679 Speaker 1: what are her strengths. 125 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 2: That's a great question. Well, I guess I don't know. 126 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:22,400 Speaker 3: Wow. 127 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:27,800 Speaker 1: See, that's how you measure your relationship with yourself, to 128 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:32,560 Speaker 1: know your strengths. What are Jade's weaknesses? What are her challenges? 129 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:36,640 Speaker 2: Weaknesses? It used to be trouble with speaking up for 130 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:41,080 Speaker 2: myself whenever somebody disrespected me. That was a weakness, Like 131 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:43,360 Speaker 2: my tongue would just be in a hat, like I 132 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:46,560 Speaker 2: just would sit there. And I realized that gave me 133 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,360 Speaker 2: anxiety and it maybe in it like it may be 134 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 2: upset angry at sometimes because if I'll say I'll say 135 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:55,000 Speaker 2: that I'm going to do something and I'll start it 136 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,200 Speaker 2: but never finished. So I have a problem with finishing things. 137 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:05,000 Speaker 1: Commitment, commitment, yes, completion, And you're and It's interesting because 138 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:11,560 Speaker 1: doing things comes from our masculine side. So doing things 139 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:17,280 Speaker 1: to completion is a masculine because feminine is being you 140 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:21,320 Speaker 1: know how you feel doing is killing. And when you 141 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:24,960 Speaker 1: say that your dad was in and out, he didn't 142 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:29,200 Speaker 1: complete his commitment to you. So that's just the trait 143 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,320 Speaker 1: that you've inherited, or a trait that you've picked up 144 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,640 Speaker 1: watching the masculine energies in your life. 145 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:36,440 Speaker 2: Oh wow. 146 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:42,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, so at your age, your relationship with yourself really 147 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:46,000 Speaker 1: wouldn't be that strong because you're still getting to know yourself. 148 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,920 Speaker 1: You're still getting to know. Okay, you do have a 149 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:53,199 Speaker 1: relationship with yourself that may not be strong yet, and 150 00:08:53,559 --> 00:09:00,400 Speaker 1: that relationship really is about you. Putting Jade first is 151 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:05,920 Speaker 1: your first consideration. Understanding what her values are, Understanding what 152 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:10,920 Speaker 1: her strengths are, her weaknesses are, Understanding you know what 153 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,199 Speaker 1: it is that she really desires. 154 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,040 Speaker 4: If you love to write, don't you write, what would 155 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:21,320 Speaker 4: that writing look like? Because Jade likes that, she's probably 156 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,800 Speaker 4: good at it, she wants to do it, So how 157 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:27,880 Speaker 4: can you support her in getting that skill, that gift, 158 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:28,600 Speaker 4: that talent. 159 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:32,920 Speaker 2: Honestly, feel like it's fear that's holding me back from 160 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,240 Speaker 2: wanting to do those things. 161 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,480 Speaker 1: Instead of trying to get a degree. Let her focus 162 00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:39,960 Speaker 1: on what it is that she likes, because when you 163 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:45,360 Speaker 1: have a good relationship with yourself, you find your genius zone. 164 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:49,480 Speaker 1: Your genius zone is that thing that you're good at, 165 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,520 Speaker 1: that thing that you love, that thing that rises you 166 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:56,920 Speaker 1: above everything and everybody else. And then you focus there. 167 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,720 Speaker 1: And again, you're twenty five, You don't you know yourself 168 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:04,640 Speaker 1: like a forty year old would know themselves, right, because 169 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,319 Speaker 1: you're still learning that. But when you come in saying 170 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:11,120 Speaker 1: my relationship is non existing, my life is unsettled, I 171 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:15,040 Speaker 1: don't have no direction. Well, because you're not paying attention 172 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:18,480 Speaker 1: to what Jade is good at. Okay, give her a break. 173 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:22,000 Speaker 1: You know, she's kind of me and she's tamed the 174 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 1: evil lip monster that used to take control of her tongue. 175 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,680 Speaker 1: Got to watch that evil lip monster. You know, it'll 176 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:37,840 Speaker 1: jump on your tongue and just wag it all over town. Yeah, yeah, 177 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,560 Speaker 1: what is Do you know Jade's favorite color? Do you 178 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:44,280 Speaker 1: know her favorite food? Do you know what makes her weep? 179 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:45,880 Speaker 1: Do you know what makes her laugh? 180 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:47,160 Speaker 3: Yeah? 181 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:48,600 Speaker 2: I know all those things. 182 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,960 Speaker 1: Okay, So why do you think you don't have a 183 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:54,360 Speaker 1: good relationship with yourself, Miss twenty five year old. 184 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,120 Speaker 2: I don't know, because I guess the way I show 185 00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,520 Speaker 2: up in my friendships and then my last relationship, I 186 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:02,720 Speaker 2: was expecting too much of the person I was like. 187 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,320 Speaker 2: I feel like that was like me, you know, not 188 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:06,440 Speaker 2: being there for myself. 189 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:11,040 Speaker 1: You're probably expecting too much of yourself at twenty five. 190 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:21,559 Speaker 1: We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back 191 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,240 Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off. 192 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:28,120 Speaker 1: You've given yourself permission not to have kids, not to 193 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:32,520 Speaker 1: be attached or deeply committed in a relationship. Right now, 194 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:36,439 Speaker 1: this is your time. You know, there's a song by 195 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,400 Speaker 1: what's her name, Kelly? I can't remember her last name. 196 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,880 Speaker 1: See that's what you have to look forward to, Miss 197 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:50,120 Speaker 1: twenty five year old, losing your memory. But I know 198 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:55,160 Speaker 1: that about myself. Okay, it's my time to shine. You know, 199 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:59,480 Speaker 1: learning the different aspects of you, learning your diva, learning 200 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:03,920 Speaker 1: your prince says, learning your medicine woman, learning your elk, 201 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:08,240 Speaker 1: you know, the queen, the hag, you know, different aspects 202 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:12,320 Speaker 1: of you. Knowing all of those things about you doesn't 203 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,880 Speaker 1: mean that you'll always like you or get along with you, 204 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,079 Speaker 1: but you love you, you don't self in harm's way. 205 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,400 Speaker 3: Yeah, and you may have. 206 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:24,160 Speaker 1: I heard you say that when something is pressing you 207 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,800 Speaker 1: that you sit down and you write about it or 208 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:31,079 Speaker 1: you process yourself through it. That's how you deal with conflict. 209 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:34,400 Speaker 1: When you're in a relationship with somebody else, you deal 210 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:37,760 Speaker 1: with conflict. You sit down and you talk about it. 211 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,600 Speaker 1: I talk to myself. You put it in the journal, 212 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:46,840 Speaker 1: so you know, pickup right, give yourself a break. And 213 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:51,040 Speaker 1: this thing about expecting too much of people in relationships, 214 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:57,360 Speaker 1: there's a distinction between expecting too much and attracting people 215 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,360 Speaker 1: who can't give you what you desire. 216 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:00,600 Speaker 2: Mm hmm. 217 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:04,280 Speaker 1: I think you might be on the latter portion because 218 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:08,679 Speaker 1: of some unresolved stuff with Daddy. You may be attracting 219 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:14,760 Speaker 1: close or intimate relationships with people who continue to disappoint 220 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,200 Speaker 1: you the way he did. Okay, have you resolved that 221 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,400 Speaker 1: stuff with him yet? 222 00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:19,760 Speaker 3: No? 223 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,839 Speaker 2: Because it never really bothered me when I was a 224 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:27,160 Speaker 2: kid when he wasn't there. Oh that's what you think, Yeah, 225 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,280 Speaker 2: that's how I felt like. I never missed him when 226 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,600 Speaker 2: he wasn't there, but when he would come, it would 227 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,840 Speaker 2: be you know, I would like to see him. But 228 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,240 Speaker 2: if he would leave it in like I don't like, like, 229 00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:39,000 Speaker 2: I don't really like remember it bothering me? 230 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:43,600 Speaker 1: Well, because children are very adaptable, But it's not the 231 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:47,440 Speaker 1: conscious mind that we're concerned about. When we look at 232 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:52,640 Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself. Your relationship with yourself is going 233 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:57,640 Speaker 1: to mirror the relationship you experienced between birth and five. 234 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:02,480 Speaker 1: That's what it's going to mirror, because that's how you learn. 235 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,600 Speaker 1: So you're telling me in and out, you're in and 236 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:08,679 Speaker 1: out of job. You didn't know where he was or 237 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,520 Speaker 1: what he was doing. Well, your life is unsettling and 238 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:15,360 Speaker 1: you don't have no direction. That's a mirror beloving. Does 239 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:16,280 Speaker 1: that make sense to you? 240 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,080 Speaker 2: It does make sense, yes. 241 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:22,760 Speaker 1: So what I would encourage you to do moving forward 242 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:28,920 Speaker 1: is again give yourself the opportunity to let go of 243 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,800 Speaker 1: the fact that you're twenty five and you feel unsettled, 244 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,600 Speaker 1: or the fact that you may not have any direction, 245 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,640 Speaker 1: but think about the things that Jade is good at 246 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:43,320 Speaker 1: and focus there. What do you think a good relationship 247 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,400 Speaker 1: with yourself would look like? What would that look like 248 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 1: and how would it feel? 249 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:51,840 Speaker 2: I guess just showing up for myself, just being there 250 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:56,120 Speaker 2: for myself and like catering to myself learning how to 251 00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:00,040 Speaker 2: love myself. I'm hoping for it to feel good. I 252 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,240 Speaker 2: feel peace, because that's what I've been wanting lately, is 253 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 2: to feel peace within myself and my life. 254 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,840 Speaker 1: Well, I want to tell you a secret. Don't tell anybody. 255 00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:10,160 Speaker 1: It's okay. 256 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:10,960 Speaker 3: Okay. 257 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:17,680 Speaker 1: Sometimes as children, when we have a very deep hurt 258 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:22,000 Speaker 1: or deep break, because we don't have the cognitive development, 259 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,520 Speaker 1: the intellectual development to deal with it, what we do 260 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,760 Speaker 1: is we kind of leave home, meaning we leave our heart, 261 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:32,360 Speaker 1: we leave our thoughts, we leave our feelings. We just 262 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:36,080 Speaker 1: become what I call neck down dead, and we know 263 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:39,240 Speaker 1: how to do and we go through the motions, but 264 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:42,400 Speaker 1: we're just not present. The best way for you to 265 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:46,600 Speaker 1: have a relationship with yourself is to just be present, 266 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:51,120 Speaker 1: get in your body and feel what you feel. It 267 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,240 Speaker 1: makes me nervous that you say it didn't really bother you, 268 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:58,080 Speaker 1: that your dad wasn't there that bothered. That makes me 269 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:03,600 Speaker 1: nervous because that tells me nobody's home. There is no 270 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,920 Speaker 1: daughter that doesn't want her daddy. There just isn't. That 271 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:11,520 Speaker 1: just doesn't happen. Right, Your soul is going to look 272 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:17,440 Speaker 1: for both sides of your experience, both sides of your expression, 273 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:20,960 Speaker 1: and in order to have a good relationship with yourself, 274 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,440 Speaker 1: you want to know those things. Not daddy wasn't here 275 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,880 Speaker 1: and he left me and blah blah blah, But who 276 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:30,640 Speaker 1: is my father as a man and who is my 277 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:37,240 Speaker 1: mother as a woman? And how do those things impact Jade? Oh? 278 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:41,080 Speaker 1: Jay doesn't speak up just like her mom, or Jay 279 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:44,360 Speaker 1: doesn't complete things just like Okay, So what does Jade 280 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:49,240 Speaker 1: need to do today to live beyond those things? Does 281 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:50,280 Speaker 1: that make sense to you? 282 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:51,520 Speaker 2: Yes? It does. 283 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,960 Speaker 1: Those are the things that you want to learn about 284 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:59,600 Speaker 1: yourself so that you can find your genius zone that's 285 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:05,040 Speaker 1: your that override some of the programming that you inherited, 286 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:10,320 Speaker 1: and really be present with who you are today. You've 287 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:13,320 Speaker 1: got some time, but never again say you don't have 288 00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:16,600 Speaker 1: a relationship with yourself simply because you don't know what 289 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:22,760 Speaker 1: career you want. Let's take floundering and make it discovery. 290 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:26,520 Speaker 1: How's my relationship with myself? Well, I'm discovering all of 291 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,840 Speaker 1: who I am, what I'm good at, what I'm not 292 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:31,639 Speaker 1: good at, what I like, what I don't like, what 293 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:37,960 Speaker 1: strengthens me? You know? And why attract these people that 294 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,000 Speaker 1: can't give me what I think it is I need 295 00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:43,440 Speaker 1: and do I really need it from them? And how 296 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,000 Speaker 1: can I give it to myself? So I don't have 297 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:49,760 Speaker 1: to depend on anybody. You don't go into relationships like 298 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:56,199 Speaker 1: a you need a transmission. You go into a relationship to, 299 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,240 Speaker 1: you know, put some more spark plugs in the one 300 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:03,920 Speaker 1: that you what you already had. Young. Oh poor thing. 301 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:08,159 Speaker 3: Well, thank you so much. 302 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:09,160 Speaker 2: I appreciate it. 303 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:13,080 Speaker 1: I appreciate you, miss Jade. Take your time, learn who 304 00:18:13,119 --> 00:18:16,840 Speaker 1: you are, and you'll see that relationship will deepen. 305 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,960 Speaker 2: Okay, okay, okay, thank you so much. 306 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:26,320 Speaker 1: Thank you. I think that we push our young people 307 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:30,840 Speaker 1: too fast. At twenty five, she thinks she's lost when 308 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:35,920 Speaker 1: she really is just learning herself. She's growing that relationship 309 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:41,359 Speaker 1: with herself growing and not even aware that. And I 310 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:44,959 Speaker 1: could be wrong, you know, I'm always willing to be wrong, 311 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,720 Speaker 1: but I think there's a severe disconnect going on there. 312 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:52,760 Speaker 1: Anytime my daughter doesn't care that her daddy wasn't there, 313 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,760 Speaker 1: that says that there's some uncovered stuff and it'll show 314 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:02,520 Speaker 1: up in our relationships. And just to know how it 315 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,560 Speaker 1: felt as little Jade not to have daddy there, to 316 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:08,600 Speaker 1: have daddy come and go, And this is for anybody 317 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:12,480 Speaker 1: you know, where is that feeling? Where are those thoughts 318 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,960 Speaker 1: and how are they showing up in your life today? 319 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:18,280 Speaker 1: It seems to me, for my last guess at showing 320 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:22,280 Speaker 1: up in her way that she earns her living or 321 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:26,360 Speaker 1: the way that she provides for herself in and out 322 00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:30,959 Speaker 1: of jobs not settled, which is a direct reflection of 323 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:35,280 Speaker 1: her relationship with daddy, and it's going to impact her 324 00:19:35,359 --> 00:19:41,320 Speaker 1: relationship with herself. So it's important that we understand, not 325 00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:45,800 Speaker 1: get stuck in, not dwell upon, but that we understand 326 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:49,840 Speaker 1: what did I see from the masculine side and the 327 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:54,680 Speaker 1: feminine side from father, mother, or feminine caregiver, masculine caregiver 328 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:59,080 Speaker 1: as a little person, because that is going to influence 329 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:03,560 Speaker 1: our relationship ship with ourselves. Listen, we've got more to 330 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:09,920 Speaker 1: talk about. Let's see what my next caller has to say. Greetings, beloved, 331 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:13,679 Speaker 1: and welcome to the R Spot. Today we're talking about 332 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:18,919 Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself. So how is your relationship with 333 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:19,639 Speaker 1: you going? 334 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:24,720 Speaker 3: I'm doing good. So yeah, the other day when I 335 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:30,520 Speaker 3: saw you posted your video about relationship with yourself, it 336 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,840 Speaker 3: got me thinking. At first, I was like, yeah, my 337 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:39,119 Speaker 3: relationship is really good actually, and then the more you talked, 338 00:20:39,119 --> 00:20:41,120 Speaker 3: and the more I thought about it, I'm like, actually, 339 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:47,000 Speaker 3: maybe not so good as I thought, So I would 340 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:52,800 Speaker 3: have to say, yeah, it definitely got me thinking more 341 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:58,080 Speaker 3: and kind of feeling that I feel like really disconnected 342 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:04,160 Speaker 3: relationship with myself lately and just kind of going through 343 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:09,640 Speaker 3: the motions and kind of feeling lost in a way. 344 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:14,919 Speaker 1: Tell me about the disconnect. How are you experiencing that 345 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:17,000 Speaker 1: I feel disconnected? 346 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:22,840 Speaker 3: I guess from showing a part of myself to the world, 347 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,800 Speaker 3: Like when I go out and actually have to do 348 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:27,960 Speaker 3: things and be in front of people, I guess I 349 00:21:28,359 --> 00:21:34,160 Speaker 3: feel like I'm putting on this happy face and that's 350 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:37,600 Speaker 3: not really how I'm feeling on the inside. 351 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:43,000 Speaker 1: So in terms of your relationship with yourself, what that 352 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:48,000 Speaker 1: says is that you honor or acknowledge your feelings because 353 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,159 Speaker 1: you don't have to walk back to me. If you 354 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:52,879 Speaker 1: wake up one day feeling ugly, that don't mean you 355 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:54,760 Speaker 1: knock your teeth it out and you go out with 356 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,720 Speaker 1: your hair and comb It just means that if you 357 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,480 Speaker 1: have to honor what's going going on inside of you, 358 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:06,240 Speaker 1: that is one way that you need work and grow 359 00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:12,240 Speaker 1: a good relationship with yourself. That's often a hidden message 360 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:15,880 Speaker 1: that you may have received as a little person, that 361 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,399 Speaker 1: my feelings don't matter. 362 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:22,119 Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, that was one of the things I was 363 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:27,760 Speaker 3: thinking of too. Is I feel very unheard sometimes? Okay, 364 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:32,480 Speaker 3: so that's funny you say that because I feel like, yeah, 365 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,040 Speaker 3: sometimes it's my voice just gives. 366 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:38,080 Speaker 1: Is that what you experienced as a little person, your 367 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,360 Speaker 1: voice got overlooked? 368 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,880 Speaker 3: Yeah? I could. I could definitely see that. My parents 369 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,240 Speaker 3: were going through a lot of things growing up, I think, 370 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:51,320 Speaker 3: and I don't think they realize how that affected us 371 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:55,200 Speaker 3: when we were little, me and my brother. Yeah, it 372 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:59,439 Speaker 3: would often be very loud in the house, but not 373 00:22:59,480 --> 00:22:59,880 Speaker 3: our voice. 374 00:23:01,119 --> 00:23:03,680 Speaker 1: So if I were to say to you, in your 375 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:08,280 Speaker 1: relationship with yourself today, how you see yourself, how you 376 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:11,600 Speaker 1: hold yourself, what you feel about yourself? If I were 377 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:16,359 Speaker 1: to say to you, my voice matters, repeat that for me. 378 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:17,600 Speaker 1: My voice matters. 379 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:22,640 Speaker 3: My voice matters. Do you believe that I do? I do. 380 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:29,879 Speaker 3: I guess I just have become more guarded with my voice. 381 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:32,520 Speaker 3: You have like, who deserves to hear what I have 382 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:33,120 Speaker 3: to say? 383 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:36,359 Speaker 1: You judge? What what do you have to say? 384 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:36,760 Speaker 3: Yeah? 385 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:40,480 Speaker 1: It's right, wrong, or indifferent. So that's not going to 386 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:45,960 Speaker 1: grow a good relationship with you. That's self judgement. We'll 387 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:52,520 Speaker 1: talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to 388 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:56,479 Speaker 1: the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. They're 389 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,920 Speaker 1: going to turn on me. I'm saying the wrong thing. 390 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:02,479 Speaker 1: That's self judgment. Do you know you're inner critic? And 391 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:05,879 Speaker 1: what is your critic's favorite line to you? Do you 392 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:06,320 Speaker 1: know that? 393 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,600 Speaker 3: I mean the first thing that popped up was that 394 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:12,600 Speaker 3: you're not good enough, not. 395 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,199 Speaker 1: Good enough, Yeah, that's the critic. 396 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,119 Speaker 3: Yeah, you're not good enough. 397 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:21,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, and therefore you're gonna do it wrong. Does that 398 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:26,399 Speaker 1: sound going to do the wrong Yeah, stay the wrong. 399 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:32,320 Speaker 3: Thing right right. I've turned to music to kind of 400 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:37,320 Speaker 3: be my own voice, like to I feel like that's 401 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:40,400 Speaker 3: my therapy for being able to say what I want 402 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,239 Speaker 3: to say how I want to say it. 403 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,760 Speaker 1: So, what's your favorite song today? 404 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:47,960 Speaker 3: You know it just came out actually, I don't know 405 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:52,720 Speaker 3: if you know Chloe and Haley, Yeah, the duo Haley 406 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,119 Speaker 3: just put out a new song called in Your Hands. 407 00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:56,640 Speaker 1: What do you like about that song? 408 00:24:57,119 --> 00:25:00,720 Speaker 3: What I took from it was she's saying your hands, 409 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:04,120 Speaker 3: you know, you have the whole world in your hands 410 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:08,000 Speaker 3: with me in it is how it goes like with me, 411 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:10,480 Speaker 3: you can do anything, okay. 412 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:13,679 Speaker 1: So that means your voice is in your hands. That 413 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:16,560 Speaker 1: means your feelings are in your hands. That means what 414 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,520 Speaker 1: you say is in your hands. That means you don't 415 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,119 Speaker 1: have to worry about what somebody else is going to 416 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,680 Speaker 1: think or say about what you do and whether it's 417 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,640 Speaker 1: good enough or not good en. It's in your hands 418 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:32,440 Speaker 1: right as you deep in your relationship with yourself, those 419 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:35,080 Speaker 1: are the things that you want to remember because it 420 00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:37,639 Speaker 1: feels to me, and I could be very wrong, that 421 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:41,000 Speaker 1: you're not current with yourself. You're still dealing with yourself 422 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:44,960 Speaker 1: as the little person whose voice didn't matter, whose feelings 423 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:48,000 Speaker 1: didn't matter, who had to hide their feelings because there 424 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:49,920 Speaker 1: was a lot of noise going on. There's a lot 425 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:53,240 Speaker 1: of noise in the world today, so you know that's 426 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 1: get triggered up really really easy. 427 00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,320 Speaker 3: A few years ago, I felt so different. There's been 428 00:25:58,800 --> 00:25:59,920 Speaker 3: just a lot of life changing. 429 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,080 Speaker 1: Somebody broke your heart. 430 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:09,880 Speaker 3: Would that be accurate, Yeah, yeah, that would be accurate. 431 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:13,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, somebody to your heart, and now you all down 432 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:16,720 Speaker 1: on yourself. What did you learn from that heartbreak? 433 00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:19,879 Speaker 3: The main thing that I learned was I was giving. 434 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:25,520 Speaker 3: I kept giving a lot and not receiving the same back. 435 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:26,720 Speaker 1: Mm hmm. 436 00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:33,000 Speaker 3: But just to be more careful with not just you know, 437 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:36,600 Speaker 3: keep giving and giving and giving when you're not getting 438 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:38,200 Speaker 3: barely anything back. 439 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:42,960 Speaker 1: Okay, So listen, when you have a good relationship with yourself, 440 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:46,600 Speaker 1: you take stuff like that and you turn it around you. 441 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:50,720 Speaker 1: You don't make yourself wrong for it. A good relationship 442 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:54,760 Speaker 1: with yourself means you always gonna win. So first of all, 443 00:26:55,320 --> 00:27:00,720 Speaker 1: that person, it's their loss. It's their loss. Oh you 444 00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:04,880 Speaker 1: didn't see how wonderful and marvelous impressions I am. Okay, 445 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:09,240 Speaker 1: sorry for you, stupid, No, don't. You don't have to 446 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:14,639 Speaker 1: say that, but you turn it around. Okay, so you 447 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:18,159 Speaker 1: saundered your resources. Write that down. Okay, I have to 448 00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:24,000 Speaker 1: be mindful not to squander your resources. Get the awareness 449 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:26,840 Speaker 1: for you, and then you can't do that if you're 450 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,640 Speaker 1: looking at what the other person did. All right, let 451 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:34,760 Speaker 1: me work on that. When you're growing a better relationship 452 00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:39,600 Speaker 1: with yourself, you take everything that happens and use it 453 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:43,480 Speaker 1: as fuel in your tank. And if you're always looking 454 00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:46,359 Speaker 1: at the other person, you're going to get drained. I 455 00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:49,120 Speaker 1: gave and they didn't give. Why didn't they give? Me back. 456 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:55,800 Speaker 1: So no, okay, I have a tendency to give too much. 457 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:59,600 Speaker 1: Why am I giving too much? What was I give? 458 00:27:59,880 --> 00:27:59,960 Speaker 3: Was? 459 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:02,520 Speaker 1: Is I giving to get? Or am I just a 460 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,560 Speaker 1: giving person? If I'm just a giving person? Well, what 461 00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:08,119 Speaker 1: the hell, it doesn't matter what I get back? 462 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:08,920 Speaker 3: Right? 463 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:13,159 Speaker 1: When you were giving all of this, what were you 464 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:15,600 Speaker 1: going for? What were you going for? 465 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:16,720 Speaker 3: Love? 466 00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:20,960 Speaker 1: Okay? So you think that love about giving and getting. 467 00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:25,119 Speaker 1: Oh that's a good message. I have a belief that 468 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:27,840 Speaker 1: I have to give something in order to get love. 469 00:28:28,119 --> 00:28:30,720 Speaker 1: Let me work on that. Let me work on that, 470 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:34,479 Speaker 1: to give anything to get love. Because I am loved. 471 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:38,040 Speaker 1: Love is in my hands. Ain't that what Chloe said 472 00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:39,560 Speaker 1: or Haley or whoever said it? 473 00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:43,400 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's true. 474 00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:46,960 Speaker 1: Love is in my hands. So I don't have to 475 00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:49,240 Speaker 1: give to get. What else were you going for? Were 476 00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:53,880 Speaker 1: you trying to prove your worth? Prove your value? So 477 00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:58,160 Speaker 1: what does that tell you? You're growing your relationship with yourself. Okay, 478 00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:01,040 Speaker 1: I may have to look at myself worth. I may 479 00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:03,480 Speaker 1: have to look at my self value and why I 480 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:05,840 Speaker 1: think I have to prove my worth and value to 481 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:08,560 Speaker 1: other people. Let me look at that. That's how you 482 00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:12,719 Speaker 1: build your relationship with yourself. And let's get clear about 483 00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:17,640 Speaker 1: what value and worth are, Okay, how you hold yourself 484 00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:23,640 Speaker 1: within yourself, how you hold yourself, how you think about yourself, 485 00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:28,520 Speaker 1: what you believe about yourself within yourself. So if we're 486 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:31,920 Speaker 1: flushed from the place of I'm not good enough, well 487 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:35,880 Speaker 1: we're gonna have some value issues. That's what your in 488 00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:39,760 Speaker 1: a critic is saying. See, if you were good they 489 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:42,280 Speaker 1: would be giving you back what you're giving them. If 490 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:45,360 Speaker 1: you were good enough, then you would be feeling better. 491 00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:47,640 Speaker 1: If you were good enough, you wouldn't have to prove 492 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:50,080 Speaker 1: you got to prove who that's the inner critic, tell 493 00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:52,320 Speaker 1: that puppy to sit down and shut. 494 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:55,160 Speaker 3: Out right right. 495 00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:59,120 Speaker 1: Self value has nothing to do with anyone else. But 496 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:04,200 Speaker 1: what self value value does is it determines your self worth. Now, 497 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:08,440 Speaker 1: self worth is how you hold yourself within yourself and 498 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:13,120 Speaker 1: what you expect from others as a result of how 499 00:30:13,120 --> 00:30:16,920 Speaker 1: you're holding yourself within yourself. So if your self as 500 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:20,520 Speaker 1: I'm not good enough, then you're going to expect people 501 00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:25,000 Speaker 1: to demand more, require more, requests more so that you 502 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:29,120 Speaker 1: can prove your value to them. And that's where the 503 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:32,480 Speaker 1: giving more than you're getting comes from. I got to 504 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,400 Speaker 1: prove my value. So I gotta gift in order to 505 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:37,600 Speaker 1: get love. I got to prove that I am enough. 506 00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:40,200 Speaker 1: I got to prove that I'm worthy of their love, 507 00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:44,280 Speaker 1: their time, their energy, their attention. Yeah, so self value 508 00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:48,200 Speaker 1: and self work. Oh boy, imagine you would have never 509 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,400 Speaker 1: learned those things about yourself if you hadn't had your 510 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:56,280 Speaker 1: heart broken. Yeah, you don't sound impressed. 511 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:04,560 Speaker 3: Me. I definitely can relate to all of that. It 512 00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:08,600 Speaker 3: all clicks and makes sense. I just I guess I'm 513 00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:12,360 Speaker 3: still still working on that, or still trying to let 514 00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:16,520 Speaker 3: that soak in because I feel like I'm a confident person, 515 00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:22,600 Speaker 3: or like I do feel like i'm uh, you know, 516 00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:29,040 Speaker 3: proud of myself in certain aspects, and you know, I'm 517 00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:33,840 Speaker 3: happy with the way I look and carry myself. But yeah, 518 00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:36,800 Speaker 3: I'm at the same time, it's still still a little wobbly. 519 00:31:37,320 --> 00:31:41,400 Speaker 3: I guess I'm still getting to learn who I am 520 00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:46,360 Speaker 3: and that Yeah, in a relationship, I guess with myself. 521 00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:49,840 Speaker 1: And well, we all are. I'm twice your agent. It's 522 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:53,000 Speaker 1: back and forth with me sometimes. But I find it 523 00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:57,600 Speaker 1: interesting that you thought your relationship with yourself was fine 524 00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:03,280 Speaker 1: and then you heard something that made you question it 525 00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:06,680 Speaker 1: and yet you say you're confident. You may hear things 526 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:10,600 Speaker 1: you say, Oh okay, let me see how that applies 527 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:14,280 Speaker 1: to me, but not let it destroy your whole relationship 528 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:16,440 Speaker 1: with yourself because of something you heard. 529 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:19,120 Speaker 3: Right, right, You want. 530 00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:22,480 Speaker 1: To start with self awareness. Here's some awarenesses that you 531 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:25,200 Speaker 1: brought forth that I want to encourage you to hold 532 00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:29,000 Speaker 1: on to and maybe investigate a little more. Okay, you 533 00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:32,000 Speaker 1: have an inner critic, that's you think you're not good enough. 534 00:32:32,120 --> 00:32:35,000 Speaker 1: So even though you like the you look, that's external. 535 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:38,640 Speaker 1: How does it feel when you're walking down the street? Well, 536 00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:41,280 Speaker 1: how does it feel when you like, as you said, 537 00:32:41,360 --> 00:32:44,440 Speaker 1: you're speaking out in front of people? If you're confident 538 00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:47,680 Speaker 1: not just in your looks, but in who you are 539 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:53,440 Speaker 1: and not self awareness? Who are you? Who are you 540 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:57,800 Speaker 1: in the late nine hours when nobody's around? Who are 541 00:32:57,840 --> 00:32:59,600 Speaker 1: you when you first wake up in the morning, in 542 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:01,160 Speaker 1: your breath stinks? Who are you? 543 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:01,400 Speaker 3: Then? 544 00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:05,640 Speaker 1: Do you like that person? Are you okay with that person? 545 00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:08,960 Speaker 1: Because it's not about what the world thinks, it's about 546 00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:12,240 Speaker 1: what you think. When you stand naked in front of 547 00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:14,480 Speaker 1: the mirror and you look at yourself, do you say, 548 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:16,960 Speaker 1: oh my god, I need what? I need? Some help? 549 00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:19,280 Speaker 1: Or do you say, all right, we're gonna work on this. 550 00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:22,680 Speaker 1: And belly is looking a little strange there, and the 551 00:33:22,720 --> 00:33:30,680 Speaker 1: buddy's a little too much relationship with yourself. See I 552 00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:33,280 Speaker 1: take off my clothes and stand the mirror. I bust 553 00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:37,640 Speaker 1: out laughing like, oh God, what are you doing down there? 554 00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:44,480 Speaker 1: Get up? But I don't let that stop me from 555 00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:48,480 Speaker 1: sharing my voice or going for what I want, or 556 00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:52,960 Speaker 1: you know, standing firmly in who I am. And if 557 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:56,720 Speaker 1: you find something that's a little shaky, don't beat yourself 558 00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:59,960 Speaker 1: up about it. What do I need to do to strengthen? 559 00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:03,520 Speaker 1: What do I need to do to stop myself from 560 00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:07,200 Speaker 1: giving more than I need, want or desire? What do 561 00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:10,680 Speaker 1: I need to do when I'm dressing nice or speaking 562 00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:14,040 Speaker 1: out or not speaking out? Because the belief is, the 563 00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:18,960 Speaker 1: criticism is I'm not good enough self awareness because you 564 00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:24,680 Speaker 1: cannot relationship with somebody you don't know right what set 565 00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:27,359 Speaker 1: you off? Do you know that? What will make you 566 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:29,640 Speaker 1: act like a total plumb fool? Do you know what 567 00:34:29,719 --> 00:34:30,120 Speaker 1: that is? 568 00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:36,080 Speaker 3: I don't. 569 00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:42,719 Speaker 1: Oh you need to know that that way, but you 570 00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:48,800 Speaker 1: can guard yourself, Okay? Do you know what makes you weep? 571 00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:52,120 Speaker 1: What will make you weep? No matter who's in the room. 572 00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:52,919 Speaker 1: Do you know that? 573 00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:56,560 Speaker 3: Not really? 574 00:34:56,920 --> 00:35:00,120 Speaker 1: You know you need to know that. See, for me, 575 00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:04,600 Speaker 1: it's abusive children. When I see children being treated badly, 576 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:07,600 Speaker 1: I'm the first thing I'm gonna do. And then I'm 577 00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:11,720 Speaker 1: a weep because I was treated and so it choose 578 00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:12,719 Speaker 1: that for me. 579 00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:16,239 Speaker 3: I see what you mean. Yeah, definitely, I mean that 580 00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:18,239 Speaker 3: would be for sure one of them. 581 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:20,799 Speaker 1: And you know what else makes me weep? And I 582 00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:23,920 Speaker 1: can't find Law and Order on it just I just 583 00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:27,200 Speaker 1: want to weep. I can't find an episode of the 584 00:35:27,239 --> 00:35:32,000 Speaker 1: original Law and Order. I can't yes the moment because 585 00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:36,160 Speaker 1: it was just not on anywhere. It was terrible. And 586 00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:39,040 Speaker 1: if you believe that you have a good relationship with you, 587 00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:43,759 Speaker 1: don't let anybody change that when something comes up and 588 00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:47,759 Speaker 1: you say, okay, well let me investigate that. All right. 589 00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:50,560 Speaker 1: I don't know what makes me. I don't know what's 590 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:53,759 Speaker 1: gonna set me off. Oh okay, let me let me 591 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:56,720 Speaker 1: pay attention. Let me just pay attention. 592 00:35:57,360 --> 00:36:02,000 Speaker 3: Yeah, I like that for surely. 593 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:08,760 Speaker 1: Here's one one way that you can really have a relationship, 594 00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:14,000 Speaker 1: grow a relationship, and deepen your relationship with yourself, And 595 00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:16,600 Speaker 1: that is what is your vision for your life? What 596 00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:20,520 Speaker 1: is your vision for your life and what is being 597 00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:26,040 Speaker 1: required of you to manifest that vision? Because that's going 598 00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:29,440 Speaker 1: to show you your strength, your weaknesses. It's going to 599 00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:32,239 Speaker 1: bring up the judge, the critic, and you just want 600 00:36:32,239 --> 00:36:34,799 Speaker 1: want to be aware of these things and then you 601 00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:37,359 Speaker 1: know how to work through them, with them, around them, 602 00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:42,720 Speaker 1: over them, listening to your voice as you pursue your vision. 603 00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:44,399 Speaker 3: Yeah, I love that. 604 00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:46,520 Speaker 1: Do you know who you want to be at fifty? 605 00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:48,560 Speaker 1: You got fourteen years sixteen? 606 00:36:51,719 --> 00:36:57,719 Speaker 3: Yes, I do. I guess it's constantly changing, like where 607 00:36:57,760 --> 00:37:00,520 Speaker 3: I thought I would be at my age now, but 608 00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:01,160 Speaker 3: I would be. 609 00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:03,720 Speaker 1: A nurse all my life and I'm not a nurse. 610 00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:06,360 Speaker 1: I don't get to wear a white uniform because nurses 611 00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:09,759 Speaker 1: don't even wear white uniforms anymore. But okay, so the 612 00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:14,280 Speaker 1: vision shifted, but the ultimate experience has and I'm still 613 00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:16,720 Speaker 1: doing yealing work, just in another level. 614 00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:18,920 Speaker 3: Yeah, thank you so much for that. 615 00:37:19,719 --> 00:37:25,320 Speaker 5: Self awareness, self value, self worth, understanding how that critic 616 00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:29,920 Speaker 5: talks to you, and really moving towards your vision a 617 00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:32,360 Speaker 5: little bit at a time, day by day, allowing the 618 00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:34,440 Speaker 5: vision to pull you forward. 619 00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:37,560 Speaker 1: That's how you're going to deepen your relationship with yourself. 620 00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:40,360 Speaker 1: Thank you for calling Okay. 621 00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:41,239 Speaker 3: Of course, thank you. 622 00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:50,200 Speaker 1: If I had to give five pillars or five steps 623 00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:55,279 Speaker 1: toward developing a relationship with yourself, they would be this, 624 00:37:55,440 --> 00:38:01,640 Speaker 1: come on, write this down. Number one, self respect, give 625 00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:05,719 Speaker 1: yourself the benefit of the doubt and know that you 626 00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:12,000 Speaker 1: are worthy of your own time, energy resources. That's number 627 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:19,000 Speaker 1: one self respect. Number two self value, how you see 628 00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:24,640 Speaker 1: yourself and hold yourself within yourself. What you think about yourself, 629 00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:28,400 Speaker 1: what you feel about yourself, what you believe about yourself. 630 00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:32,200 Speaker 1: Being on the lookout always for that inner judge and 631 00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:35,120 Speaker 1: that inner critic that's going to tell you you're not enough, 632 00:38:35,160 --> 00:38:38,160 Speaker 1: you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, tell them things. 633 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:40,440 Speaker 1: To shut the hell out, go somewhere in sit out, 634 00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:46,360 Speaker 1: and really build yourself value, because your self value leads 635 00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:50,440 Speaker 1: to your self worth. How you see yourself and hold 636 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:56,160 Speaker 1: yourself within yourself. That determines what you expect from other people. 637 00:38:57,040 --> 00:39:01,000 Speaker 1: And so very often we have low self value, but 638 00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:06,080 Speaker 1: we're demanding, requesting, requiring big things from the world from 639 00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:09,640 Speaker 1: other people, but we don't even value ourselves enough to 640 00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:14,920 Speaker 1: know that we're worthy of having it. Self respect, self value, 641 00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:19,160 Speaker 1: self worth. Did I say that self respect, self value, 642 00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:26,120 Speaker 1: self worth. Self awareness. Hello, you got to know you're ugly, 643 00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:29,960 Speaker 1: know you're pretty, know you're crazy. You got to know 644 00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:33,800 Speaker 1: all of them things about yourself and how they impact 645 00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:37,880 Speaker 1: your value, your worth, and your respect. All right, so 646 00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:41,680 Speaker 1: self awareness. You may even want to put that first. 647 00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:46,040 Speaker 1: Self awareness. Do you value yourself or do you value 648 00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:50,080 Speaker 1: every thing and everyone other than you? I hope that 649 00:39:50,160 --> 00:39:52,560 Speaker 1: you know something now that you didn't know. When you're 650 00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:57,360 Speaker 1: tuned in, and until we meet again, stay in peace 651 00:39:58,239 --> 00:40:06,000 Speaker 1: and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of 652 00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:11,560 Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from 653 00:40:11,600 --> 00:40:17,000 Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever 654 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:19,160 Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.