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Speaker 1: No ego. It's a thing that we all have, not

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Speaker 1: just men us, women too. And as soon as you

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Speaker 1: come at someone with aggression and accusation, oh the god

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Speaker 1: goes up. The God goes up. They want to be right,

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Speaker 1: You want to be right, and it never ends well.

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Speaker 1: Whereas if you come with a sprinkle of kindness, a

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Speaker 1: dash of compassion, and a whole lot of love and

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Speaker 1: ask the question with genuine desire to understand that person

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Speaker 1: feels it, no gods go up. They're able to respond

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Speaker 1: with compassion, not aggression. And that's a great recipe right there.

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Speaker 1: I'm Rasi Wukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,

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Speaker 1: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space

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Speaker 1: for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you

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Speaker 1: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.

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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of

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Speaker 1: A Really Good Cry. So today's episode is actually based

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Speaker 1: off a conversation that I had with one of my

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Speaker 1: best friends and her husband. It actually started off as

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Speaker 1: a joke about the little things that he does that

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Speaker 1: annoys her and then turned into back and forth of

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Speaker 1: the small things that each one does in the house

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Speaker 1: that really triggers the other. Now, they are fully in

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Speaker 1: love and they care about each other so much, and

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Speaker 1: they are such a fun, lovely couple, so this actually

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Speaker 1: doesn't reflect their relationship at all in a negative way.

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Speaker 1: But honestly, I do not know a couple that does

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Speaker 1: not go through this at some point in their relationship,

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Speaker 1: if not throughout the entire relationship, especially if it's not

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Speaker 1: spoken about properly or the right solutions are not put

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Speaker 1: into place, And those small everyday moments they spark way

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Speaker 1: more conflict than they probably should, because here's the truth,

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Speaker 1: most relationship conflict does not begin with something big. It

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Speaker 1: starts with the tiny little things, a tower left on

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Speaker 1: the floor, a dishwasher that never got unloaded, and slowly,

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Speaker 1: over time, those little moments turn into stories that we

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Speaker 1: tell ourselves about our partner and about ourselves. I remember

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Speaker 1: when Jaye and I got married. He would leave his

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Speaker 1: shoes by the door every single day, not just one

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Speaker 1: pair of shoes, two shoes, three shoes. They would never move,

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Speaker 1: they would just stay there. And oh, my Lord, that

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Speaker 1: used to get to me so much. In my head.

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Speaker 1: He was trying to lead these shoes for me to

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Speaker 1: pick up. How dare he do that? Who does he

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Speaker 1: think I am to pick up his shoes every single day?

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Speaker 1: How does he have such low value for me to

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Speaker 1: do this over and over again because who else is

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Speaker 1: going to pick it up? In his mind, it was

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Speaker 1: as simple as I definitely will do it. I just

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Speaker 1: don't want to think about it as soon as I

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Speaker 1: walk in the door after a long day of work.

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Speaker 1: I'll tidy it up at the end of the night

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Speaker 1: or at some point. I never even thought of you

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Speaker 1: doing it for me. I just didn't want to do

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Speaker 1: it then. So when we had actually ended up unpacking

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Speaker 1: everything from the shoes to you know, many other things

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Speaker 1: that kept popping up, I realized that it's not the

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Speaker 1: action itself, but it was the narrative that I had

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Speaker 1: created in my mind. It's not the actual shoes by

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Speaker 1: the door, it's what it implied or signified in my

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Speaker 1: mind and what it connected to in my mind, what

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Speaker 1: insecurity is It connected to the triggers that I have

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Speaker 1: inside of me, and those shoes ended up representing that.

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Speaker 1: So when my friend's husband then started he's also my friend,

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Speaker 1: but you know, let's call them Jack and Jill. So

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Speaker 1: when Jack started saying all the things that annoyed him

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Speaker 1: about her or that he didn't like that was happening

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Speaker 1: in the house. I realized that the biggest difference was

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Speaker 1: that it did trigger him, but he didn't see it

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Speaker 1: as his responsibility to fix it or as an attack

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Speaker 1: towards him. They were totally two separate things. She's messy

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Speaker 1: and it annoys me, versus she is messy and she

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Speaker 1: expects me to do it. They were not the same.

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Speaker 1: For her, it was he's messy, or he does this

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Speaker 1: and he expects me to do it. For him, it's

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Speaker 1: just she's messy and it annoys me. And I think

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Speaker 1: in many relationships, women are more likely to interpret a

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Speaker 1: partner not doing domestic tasks as a lack of care,

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Speaker 1: as a lack of respect or attentiveness. But for men,

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Speaker 1: the same action might feel absolutely neutral, like completely not

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Speaker 1: even playing a role in how their relationship is with

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Speaker 1: their partner. For a lot of women, including myself and

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Speaker 1: my friend, we see as a personal attack and that

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Speaker 1: is linked to us in some way, and that is

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Speaker 1: where the disconnect happens, not because one person is wrong

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Speaker 1: and not because the other person is right, but because

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Speaker 1: we've been conditioned to assign different meanings and responsibilities to

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Speaker 1: those acts. And you know what was so funny in

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Speaker 1: that moment. It was him and there was three other women, me,

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Speaker 1: Jill and another friend of ours, and all the women

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Speaker 1: suddenly started grabbing all their little irritations out of their pockets.

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Speaker 1: And the thing is, it was all the same. Every

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Speaker 1: woman had the same issue with their man, and he

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Speaker 1: really was, you know, he was losing before he started.

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Speaker 1: With three women saying the same thing, he had no

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Speaker 1: chance of winning. But you know what, for many women

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Speaker 1: in my life, and definitely the three that were in

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Speaker 1: the room that day, I'm still seeing this trend across generations.

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Speaker 1: So many of us were subtlely or sometimes directly taught

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Speaker 1: that our love, our worth, even our value in a

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Speaker 1: relationship is measured by how well we are able to

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Speaker 1: manage the labor of a home, whether it's emotional or physical.

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Speaker 1: We're also just more attentive and attune to these things,

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Speaker 1: and so we notice them so much more than a

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Speaker 1: man usually would, and that may be part of our

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Speaker 1: like makeup, you know, that's part of how a man

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Speaker 1: is and a woman is. Look, we are different in

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Speaker 1: so many ways, just like we have different personalities. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: the traits that we are born with, whether it's male

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Speaker 1: or female. You know those traits. There's something to it,

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Speaker 1: there's something to the genetics. You know that there are

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Speaker 1: these things that thread us all together, these qualities, these

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Speaker 1: traits that usually are part of a woman or a

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Speaker 1: man's being. And you know, men, on the other hand,

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Speaker 1: have often been raised to focus on productivity outside of

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Speaker 1: the home. Success is measured on output in problem solving,

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Speaker 1: in providing. The domestic space hasn't traditionally been where their

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Speaker 1: value has been measured. So forgetting to do the laundry

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Speaker 1: doesn't carry the same emotional weight. Okay, so I'm going

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Speaker 1: to share some basic examples and try to see which

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Speaker 1: side you relate to, if any, while I'm sharing these.

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Speaker 1: So let's start with the dishes. Her point of view.

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Speaker 1: I've cooked dinner, cleaned the counters, and now I'm cleaning

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Speaker 1: your dirty dishes too. It feels like I'm doing everything

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Speaker 1: and you don't even notice. His point of view. I

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Speaker 1: wasn't ignoring the dishes. I just figured i'd do them later.

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Speaker 1: I didn't think it was urgent number two planning holidays

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Speaker 1: or events. Her point of view, Why is it always

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Speaker 1: on me to organize everything. I feel like the emotional

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Speaker 1: planner of this relationship. Here's point of view, you're better

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Speaker 1: at planning. I didn't want to mess it up or

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Speaker 1: pick something you wouldn't like. Number three leaving clothes on

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Speaker 1: the floor an all time favorite. Her point of view,

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Speaker 1: I've asked you ten times not to leave your stuff everywhere.

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Speaker 1: It feels like you do not respect my space or time.

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Speaker 1: Here's point of view. I didn't even realize I did that.

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Speaker 1: It's not disrespect. I just didn't think it was a

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Speaker 1: big deal. And here's the thing. None of these are

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Speaker 1: really about the dishes, or about the clothes, or about

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Speaker 1: the calendar. They're about interpretation. They're about the meaning behind

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Speaker 1: the behavior. For many many women, a messy home is

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Speaker 1: seen as a reflection of their identity. If someone comes

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Speaker 1: over and it's messy, we often feel like we failed.

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Speaker 1: That's how deep the conditioning runs. I know that conditioning

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Speaker 1: runs deep for me, and it did for my mom.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. If someone was coming over, and even

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Speaker 1: if I had one piece of clothing on my bed,

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Speaker 1: even if they're not going to climb up vistairs to

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Speaker 1: come to my room, just the thought of somebody coming

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Speaker 1: and seeing that her daughter was messy was a reflection

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Speaker 1: of her, or was a reflection of how she's raised

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Speaker 1: her children. If the home was dirty, if the cupboards

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Speaker 1: were unorganized, it was a reflection that she is not

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Speaker 1: able to manage the home environment, that she is not

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Speaker 1: doing her duty. And so I really think I took

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Speaker 1: on some of those as well. I remember when we

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Speaker 1: first got married, I really saw it as a reflection

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Speaker 1: of me if I wasn't able to keep up with

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Speaker 1: all the housework, keep up with the laundry, keep up

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Speaker 1: with all the bits and pieces that I saw my

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Speaker 1: mom doing. But men always don't see it the same way.

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Speaker 1: Their self worth is often not wrapped up on how

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Speaker 1: tidy the kitchen is, so the urgency just isn't there.

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Speaker 1: Women are often socialized to notice, to anticipate, to manage

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Speaker 1: not just the physical work, but the emotional work of

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Speaker 1: a home too, And when that labor goes unnoticed or unshared,

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Speaker 1: it feels invalidating, It feels heavy, you know. I think

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Speaker 1: a lot of it is trauma. That's part of our DNA.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure many of our like our moms, our grandmas,

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Speaker 1: our great grandma or whatever, we carry that in us

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Speaker 1: in a little way. So even if we're like deeply

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Speaker 1: offended now, it may be just because it's sat in

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Speaker 1: us for so long. You know, we've carrying the emotions

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Speaker 1: of how many people that have come before us. And

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Speaker 1: so I'm not saying that's the only reason, but I

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Speaker 1: think it can feel heavier for that reason too. I

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Speaker 1: think men are also talk to compartmentalize, to put their

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Speaker 1: energy where it feels most needed. Right, so if something

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Speaker 1: doesn't seem urgent, they may not even register it emotionally.

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Speaker 1: They may not even see it, you know, when they're like,

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Speaker 1: I can't find the scissors, and you're like, it's literally

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Speaker 1: in the first draw, and I can't see it. I

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Speaker 1: can't find it. And then you go there and you

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Speaker 1: find it and it's literally where you said it was.

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Speaker 1: That's pretty much how I imagine men are. When they

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Speaker 1: walk past shoes, or walk past laundry on the floor,

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Speaker 1: or walk past the towel that's been left somewhere, they're

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Speaker 1: not even registering it. They don't see it. It does

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Speaker 1: not exist unless it seems urgent, unless it is pointed

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Speaker 1: out to them. But listen, these are just surface of habits,

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Speaker 1: and every habit can be changed, and everyone can be

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Speaker 1: taught to be better for the person that they love,

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Speaker 1: and for each other and for themselves. But I think

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Speaker 1: when we hold these inner narratives about each other, about

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Speaker 1: what these different things mean inside of us, and they

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Speaker 1: are not visible to each other and they haven't been

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Speaker 1: shared with each other, that's when resentment builds. That's when

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Speaker 1: it turns into you don't care, you're overreacting. Why can't

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Speaker 1: you just dot dot dot fill in the blank so

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Speaker 1: you know, what can we do what actually helps. I'm

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Speaker 1: going to share some of the things that have helped

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Speaker 1: me because listen and I don't want you to be

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Speaker 1: arguing over smelly socks on the floor. We've got better

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Speaker 1: things to do, like laughing and creating memories together. So

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Speaker 1: let's nippit in the bud as soon as possible. Whether

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Speaker 1: you've been married, whether you're in a relationship, whether you've

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Speaker 1: been together for twenty five years, and you realize you've

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Speaker 1: never had this conversation with each other, it is time

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Speaker 1: and it's never too late. So the first thing is

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Speaker 1: the domestic debrief. Okay, set aside fifteen minutes each week

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Speaker 1: to check in who's been doing what, where's the load

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Speaker 1: feeling heavy? What can shift? It's a team meeting, It

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Speaker 1: is not a guilt session. Remember that you're not trying

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Speaker 1: to make the other person feel bad for what you're doing,

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Speaker 1: because if that's the case, you're obviously doing something you

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Speaker 1: don't want to be doing. So make note of that too.

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Speaker 1: If you're trying to get that person to feel sorry

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Speaker 1: for you or feel like you're doing more work than

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Speaker 1: they are, spread the load, so it's more even so

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Speaker 1: that you're not resenting them for what you're doing. As

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Speaker 1: soon as you're trying to guilt your partner, it's a

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Speaker 1: sign that you feel you're doing more than you should be,

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Speaker 1: or that what you're doing isn't being recognized or valued

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Speaker 1: and the effort is being ignored. So as soon as

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Speaker 1: you start to guilt your partner, take a look at

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Speaker 1: what that actually means for you. Because also sometimes the

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Speaker 1: other person isn't even aware of the amount of time

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Speaker 1: or energy that goes into many of the tasks. Like obviously,

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Speaker 1: when we were growing up, my dad handled the bills,

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Speaker 1: and so when we got married, I told you, I

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Speaker 1: was like, I don't really want to do that. Can

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Speaker 1: you handle it? I didn't know how much time and

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Speaker 1: energy taxes take or how much time and energy paying

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Speaker 1: those bills took. Only when I took interest in it

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Speaker 1: and I was educated on it and I understood how

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Speaker 1: much effort goes into it, did I realize that, actually,

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Speaker 1: me cooking dinner can be equivalent to that, Like, there

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Speaker 1: is so much effort that goes into that, and there's

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Speaker 1: so much effort that goes into me cooking dinner. But

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Speaker 1: why was I seeing what I was doing is being

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Speaker 1: more valuable than that, And so awareness and letting the

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Speaker 1: other person know is really important, and actually understanding what

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Speaker 1: it takes for those other tasks. I guarantee you just

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Speaker 1: having an awareness of those things and how long each

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Speaker 1: one takes is really useful. You could even write out

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Speaker 1: a list of or your weekly task and how much

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Speaker 1: time it takes each of you and compare it and

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Speaker 1: see what's taking up most of your time in those areas.

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Speaker 1: I remember when I was housewifeing at the beginning of

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Speaker 1: manager's relationship, we moved to New York. I wasn't able

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Speaker 1: to work, so I was like in full housewife mode,

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Speaker 1: not necessarily by choice, but because he was going out

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Speaker 1: and he was making the money. And I wasn't able

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Speaker 1: to work at the time, and so I was at

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Speaker 1: home and I was looking after the house and cooking

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Speaker 1: and doing all those bits. He would come home and

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Speaker 1: he would say, I'm doing the dishes because you've been cooking.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for cooking. I really appreciate it.

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Speaker 1: Or I know your day must have been a lot.

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Speaker 1: You went to the grocery store, you clean the house.

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Speaker 1: And honestly, just hearing that made such a difference to

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Speaker 1: know that he just noticed or acknowledged the effort that

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Speaker 1: it took. And so that takes me into my second

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Speaker 1: point of acknowledging things like use these micro moments to

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Speaker 1: acknowledge and validate how the person must be feeling. So

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Speaker 1: that's a really useful thing and a loving thing to

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Speaker 1: start doing is don't just think it in your head,

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Speaker 1: say out loud, thanks for doing that. I noticed you

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Speaker 1: handle this. Thank you so much. I know that the

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Speaker 1: taxes take so long. Thank you so much for doing that.

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Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, the house looks so clean. Wow, thank you,

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Speaker 1: I really appreciate you. Being this clean makes me feel

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Speaker 1: like I can have a clear mind. Whatever it is,

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Speaker 1: whatever the compliment you want to throw, just make sure

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Speaker 1: you're throwing them regularly and meaning it too. Sometimes well

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Speaker 1: most of the time, or someone really needs is to

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Speaker 1: be seen and so those little micro moments of appreciation

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Speaker 1: and acknowledgement. You know, Jay really taught me that he

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Speaker 1: does it all the time, every single day, day in,

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Speaker 1: day out, and this is a beautiful practice. He does

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Speaker 1: it to me, he does it to other people, he

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Speaker 1: does it to his work colleagues, he does it to friends,

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Speaker 1: and it's so appreciated. No one ever doesn't appreciate being

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Speaker 1: seen or being acknowledged for the things that they're doing.

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Speaker 1: The next thing is assigning your roles consciously. So instead

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Speaker 1: of defaulting to what you've always done, or what you've

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Speaker 1: seen your parents do, or what society has said, each

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Speaker 1: one of you should be doing what actually feels natural

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Speaker 1: to each of you. What could you swap or share

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Speaker 1: or rotate. You know, you don't have to be doing

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Speaker 1: the same thing every single time or every single month.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you guys, switch it up, change it up, try

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Speaker 1: to do different roles at different times of the year.

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Speaker 1: In many of my friends relationships or marriages, their husband

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Speaker 1: does the cooking. Now it's obviously so common because maybe

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Speaker 1: my girlfriend doesn't want to, and maybe he actually loves

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Speaker 1: to cook. And in my relationship, Jay absolutely hates cooking.

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Speaker 1: It's really not his happy place. The kitchen is not

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Speaker 1: somewhere he has fun. Would he make me a cheese

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Speaker 1: sandwich if I was ill? Sure, of course he would.

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Speaker 1: Does he want to cook me a three course meal daily? No,

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Speaker 1: he absolutely doesn't. But he is happy to wash the dishes,

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Speaker 1: He is happy to clean the floor, He is happy

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Speaker 1: to handle all other aspects of the house that, to

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Speaker 1: be honest, I don't want to do or handle because

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Speaker 1: I don't enjoy them, just like he doesn't enjoy being

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Speaker 1: in the kitchen. Luckily, I do love being in the kitchen,

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Speaker 1: but that's been a choice, not given or an expectation

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Speaker 1: from him at all. And you know, one time we

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Speaker 1: actually decided for a YouTube video, we decided to swop rolls.

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Speaker 1: This was years ago. We decided to swap rolls for

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Speaker 1: a day and even though it was meant to be fun,

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Speaker 1: it actually turned out to be so useful and insightful

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Speaker 1: into understanding and seeing each other's input and recognizing the

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Speaker 1: importance of what the other person does. So, you know,

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Speaker 1: do a little roll swap, try out the other person's

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Speaker 1: doing for a day or even for a week. Take

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Speaker 1: on those tasks so you can learn how to do them,

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Speaker 1: just in case you need to know, because we will

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Speaker 1: need to know everything, but also to be able to

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Speaker 1: have a deeper appreciation for what they're doing. Now, the

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Speaker 1: next time you get into a trigger state, right, something's

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Speaker 1: happened and you've seen those clothes on the floor. Whatever

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Speaker 1: it is, state the emotion, not just the task. So

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Speaker 1: swap why didn't you take out the trash with When

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Speaker 1: I say the trash piling up, I feel like I'm

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Speaker 1: carrying this home alone and it really upsets me. That

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Speaker 1: shift can change everything. Then it helps you to the

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Speaker 1: person to understand the meaning that you feel behind the action,

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Speaker 1: and they can clarify rather than it being about the task.

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Speaker 1: So it's not fine, I'll just take bit out myself

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Speaker 1: because you obviously don't want to. It's oh, and you

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Speaker 1: don't take out the bin. It makes me think that

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Speaker 1: you don't see all the other things that I have

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Speaker 1: to do, and you don't value the fact that you're

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Speaker 1: taking this one Doing this one thing for me makes

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Speaker 1: me think that you care great Now I know now

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Speaker 1: this little task that I thought was just to me

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Speaker 1: taking the bin out on a daily basis, I can

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Speaker 1: attach to your feelings and emotions and I don't want

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Speaker 1: to upset you, which brings me on to assuming positive intent.

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Speaker 1: Do not jump to the negative before you give benefit

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Speaker 1: of doubt. We will want to be the victim, don't we.

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Speaker 1: We will want the other person to be wrong. But

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Speaker 1: ask yourself what might their intention have been? This one

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Speaker 1: mindset shift can dissolve conflicts before it even gets started.

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Speaker 1: It can soften the energy in the room. It creates

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Speaker 1: space for conversation instead of accusation, and over time it

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Speaker 1: trains both people to respond with curiosity rather than criticism.

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Speaker 1: And Lord, does the world not need more curiosity than

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Speaker 1: it needs criticism right now? It absolutely does, And especially

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Speaker 1: between two people who love each other. You know, there's

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Speaker 1: enough criticism that happens online between strangers, between people who

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Speaker 1: don't know each other. But then to choose criticism over

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Speaker 1: curiosity within a loving partnership, no, we don't want to

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Speaker 1: do that. So it's not by lowering your standards or accepting.

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Speaker 1: It's about choosing to understand before you judge. And I

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Speaker 1: think between people who love you each other, that should

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Speaker 1: be the basic let me understand you before I judge you,

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Speaker 1: and if anything, let me try not to judge you

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Speaker 1: at all if I possibly can. But if I do

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Speaker 1: judge you, let me try and understand you before I

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Speaker 1: do that. Because if you are in a generally healthy

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Speaker 1: relationship and you feel that person deep down nubs you

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Speaker 1: and other parts of their life reflect that they care

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Speaker 1: for you, then they don't want to upset you. They're

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Speaker 1: not trying to annoy you, and they do not want

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Speaker 1: you to be unhappy. And so remembering all of that,

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Speaker 1: the next time you see those dirty hour socks on

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Speaker 1: the floor's going to be really useful for you to say, Hey, babe,

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Speaker 1: why did you choose to leave these socks here? Would

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Speaker 1: you mind just picking them up? Because it's actually really

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Speaker 1: getting to me because I've seen it like three days

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Speaker 1: in a row and I just don't understand why you're

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Speaker 1: not seeing it, but it really does irritate me. So

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Speaker 1: do you mind just hopping over and grab that? Maybe

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Speaker 1: don't say it like that sounds a bit rude, you know,

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Speaker 1: ego it's a thing that we all have, not just

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Speaker 1: men us, women too. And as soon as you come

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Speaker 1: at someone with aggression and accusation. Ooh, the god goes up.

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Speaker 1: The god goes up. They want to be right, You

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Speaker 1: want to be right, and it never ends well. Whereas

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Speaker 1: if you come with a sprinkle of kindness, a dash

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Speaker 1: of compassion, and a whole lot of love and ask

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Speaker 1: the question with genuine desire to understand that person feels it,

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Speaker 1: no gods go up. They're able to respond with compassion,

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Speaker 1: not aggression. And that's a great recipe right there. Okay,

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Speaker 1: you're welcome. You know something I had to come to

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Speaker 1: terms with eventually, as you know, maybe sometimes it's me.

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Speaker 1: Maybe sometimes I am also the problem. I know, it's

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Speaker 1: really difficult to believe, and it's really difficult to stomach,

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Speaker 1: and it's really hard to swallow that and really, you know,

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00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:43,040
Speaker 1: believe it. But yeah, sometimes we are the problem. Sometimes

393
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:46,040
Speaker 1: the roll stick because we make them stick. We take

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Speaker 1: over so much that the other person gets used to

395
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:52,360
Speaker 1: not stepping in. That's called learn helplessness. And I remember

396
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Speaker 1: my mom was like a boss. Like she worked full time.

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Speaker 1: She came home, she cooked dinner, She made sure we

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Speaker 1: had our fresh breakfast every morning. She would make sure

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Speaker 1: we had packed lunches. She would then cook dinner when

400
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:08,040
Speaker 1: she came home, she was a beast. However, I felt

401
00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:11,359
Speaker 1: like it caused my dad to have learned helplessness, where

402
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,119
Speaker 1: you know, he was never given the responsibility, and so

403
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,200
Speaker 1: if it did come to doing it, he got really

404
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:20,000
Speaker 1: scared about it and didn't want to disappoint her or

405
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:24,160
Speaker 1: didn't want to do it wrong, and so it didn't

406
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:26,120
Speaker 1: allow him the space to actually do it or gave

407
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,840
Speaker 1: him them responsibility to do that. So if it did

408
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,480
Speaker 1: come to it, my mom being all like, why can't

409
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Speaker 1: you just make dinner? Once you know, they're very sweet

410
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,680
Speaker 1: with each other, but as couples argue, they argue, too,

411
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,959
Speaker 1: can you make dinner. I've been out and I've been

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Speaker 1: doing all this and you didn't cook dinner. And he'd

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Speaker 1: be like, I didn't know what to make. I didn't

414
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,520
Speaker 1: know what you would want. I was worried that you

415
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,040
Speaker 1: wouldn't like what I made, And so he really would

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00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:46,960
Speaker 1: have wanted to, but my mom kind of took that

417
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Speaker 1: power away from him to be able to do it

418
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,639
Speaker 1: at the beginning. I also think sometimes, you know, we

419
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,359
Speaker 1: can be a little bit of control freaks. It runs

420
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:55,359
Speaker 1: in my family, and so we like things in this

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00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,560
Speaker 1: specific way, and so it scares them for doing it wrong,

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Speaker 1: so then they don't do it at all. And that's

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00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,400
Speaker 1: the hypocritical loop that people can get into. I've seen

424
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,880
Speaker 1: it with my mum and the cooking situation. Even with myself.

425
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,040
Speaker 1: I'd be like, can you go get this? And then

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00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,200
Speaker 1: it's like get the organic cucumbers. But then they get

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00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:12,879
Speaker 1: the wrong cucumbers and I'm like, oh my god, now

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Speaker 1: I have to go back and get it. Myself might

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00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:16,920
Speaker 1: as well not have done it at all, And then

430
00:20:17,119 --> 00:20:19,800
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, you have to allow for mistakes. Training

431
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,760
Speaker 1: and teaching people things takes time and you have to

432
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:26,160
Speaker 1: allow for mistakes for them to feel comfortable in that role,

433
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,760
Speaker 1: and so, you know, give them some grace. And this

434
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,400
Speaker 1: stuff really goes deep. It's shape by how we were raised,

435
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:34,640
Speaker 1: how we saw our caregivers divide roles, how we saw

436
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,439
Speaker 1: our parents do things, what we were praised for, what

437
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,200
Speaker 1: we learned to fear in our family dynamics. It really

438
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,040
Speaker 1: shaped our beliefs about gender roles and what love looked like.

439
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,920
Speaker 1: You know, think about this was your mum always doing

440
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:50,000
Speaker 1: everything and never asking for help. You know, we talk

441
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,560
Speaker 1: about this a lot in Indian families, and I'm sure,

442
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:56,840
Speaker 1: it goes across cultures and traditions, but they do the most,

443
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,080
Speaker 1: do everything, and then it's like, oh, but you never

444
00:20:59,119 --> 00:21:00,879
Speaker 1: do anything. But it's just tell me what to do

445
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,800
Speaker 1: and I'll do it. But it's like, no, you should know.

446
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,520
Speaker 1: And the problem is a lot of the time we

447
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,520
Speaker 1: just expect the person to know. We except the person

448
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,160
Speaker 1: to know how our mind works. We expect the person

449
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,800
Speaker 1: to know what needs to be done, but if they're

450
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,159
Speaker 1: not in the habit of doing it, they do have

451
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:12,960
Speaker 1: to be taught. They have to be told, they have

452
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,720
Speaker 1: to be asked, and once you've done that a couple

453
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,480
Speaker 1: of times, and if they still don't do it, you

454
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,240
Speaker 1: can get your whip out. But you have to teach

455
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:21,840
Speaker 1: people how to take on the roles and responsibilities, especially

456
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:23,600
Speaker 1: if you've been doing them for a long time. Did

457
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,080
Speaker 1: your dad get praised for just helping ones? Was that

458
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,760
Speaker 1: part of your like family dynamic that just because someone

459
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,080
Speaker 1: does something once they get more credit. I remember when

460
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,600
Speaker 1: my dad would pick me up from school and be like,

461
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:34,879
Speaker 1: oh my god, my dad's coming to get me from school,

462
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:36,760
Speaker 1: And when my mom did it, there wasn't like, oh

463
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:38,359
Speaker 1: my god, my mom's coming to get me from school

464
00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:40,360
Speaker 1: because she did it every day, and so that does

465
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,240
Speaker 1: happen sometimes. You know, back in the day, my uncles

466
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:45,639
Speaker 1: wouldn't really get up to clean after we'd eat. It

467
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,800
Speaker 1: was just not part of the culture. And then one

468
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,200
Speaker 1: day he decided to get up and wash the dishes,

469
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,119
Speaker 1: like a good few years ago, and everyone was like,

470
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:56,199
Speaker 1: what is happening. Oh my gosh, please, you don't have

471
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:57,760
Speaker 1: to do that. Then we realize, no, he should be

472
00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,600
Speaker 1: doing it, and it's so wonderful that he's getting up,

473
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:03,920
Speaker 1: and the traditions saying that my granddad used to help

474
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,400
Speaker 1: my grandma cook all the time, and so my mom

475
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,800
Speaker 1: grew up seeing that, and so she was like, listen, husband,

476
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,040
Speaker 1: my dad should be like, you better get in here

477
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,320
Speaker 1: and do the chopping. So now my dad does all

478
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,879
Speaker 1: the chopping and goes to do the shopping and my

479
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,199
Speaker 1: mom does the cooking. And once they divided that up,

480
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,000
Speaker 1: it made them both feel like they were both equally

481
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:24,040
Speaker 1: contributing to that one action. So really think about how

482
00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:27,040
Speaker 1: those early observations when you were younger shaped what you

483
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:30,200
Speaker 1: expect or what you resent now. Are your resentments based

484
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:31,919
Speaker 1: on what your mom resented about your dad or your

485
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,560
Speaker 1: dad resented about your mom or have you actually created

486
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,720
Speaker 1: them for yourself. Are you getting irritated because it used

487
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,359
Speaker 1: to irritate her, or is it something that actually irritates you.

488
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:43,479
Speaker 1: What unspoken scripts about relationships? Did you inherit without actually

489
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:47,680
Speaker 1: realizing it. I remember when I when I first started

490
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:50,359
Speaker 1: dating J I was like, or when we got married,

491
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,440
Speaker 1: my dad always did the handyman work in the house.

492
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,639
Speaker 1: I'd be like, can you put up a frame? Or

493
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:57,960
Speaker 1: you know, can you glue this back together? And he

494
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:00,560
Speaker 1: wasn't taught that by his dad. His mom did all

495
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:03,159
Speaker 1: the handyman work in the house. And I realized, I

496
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:04,679
Speaker 1: don't need him to do it because I can do it.

497
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,960
Speaker 1: My dad taught me how to do it, and so

498
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,440
Speaker 1: I can put up a frame, I can put things

499
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,480
Speaker 1: back together. Why did I expect him to have to

500
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,800
Speaker 1: do it? So we'll carry these triggers and patterns, And

501
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,840
Speaker 1: at first I was like, why are you not able

502
00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:18,280
Speaker 1: to do this? Why are you not looking after this

503
00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:21,040
Speaker 1: in the house? But I realized that I actually really

504
00:23:21,119 --> 00:23:23,000
Speaker 1: enjoy doing it, So why am I letting that trigger

505
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:26,359
Speaker 1: me when that's not a pattern that I even care about.

506
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:30,000
Speaker 1: So we carry the power to actually rewrite these patterns,

507
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,359
Speaker 1: all these triggers that we have. When I first got married,

508
00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:34,439
Speaker 1: it was a real shock to my system because I

509
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:35,760
Speaker 1: don't know, I guess I feel like most of them

510
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,679
Speaker 1: probably go through this. You're doing, you know, you know

511
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:41,000
Speaker 1: our culture, you expected to do the cooking, and so

512
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,640
Speaker 1: I remember I was trying to work, trying to cook,

513
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,680
Speaker 1: trying to do all these things. And I saw my

514
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,240
Speaker 1: mom doing everything growing up, and when I wasn't able

515
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,960
Speaker 1: to keep up with everything, the laundry, the cooking, the traveling,

516
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:54,879
Speaker 1: or whatever I was trying to do at that time,

517
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:56,880
Speaker 1: I really did feel like I was failing, not being

518
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,320
Speaker 1: able to The thing is he had no expectation. He

519
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:01,119
Speaker 1: was like, how can I make your life easier? Should

520
00:24:01,119 --> 00:24:04,640
Speaker 1: we get meal delivery services? Should we? How many days

521
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:05,840
Speaker 1: a week do you want to eat out? Like? I

522
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:07,320
Speaker 1: don't want you to feel stressed out and I don't

523
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:08,879
Speaker 1: want you to feel like I have an expectation of

524
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,159
Speaker 1: you to cook for me because I don't. But for me,

525
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:13,399
Speaker 1: I was carrying the guilt of it based on what

526
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,840
Speaker 1: I see my mum doing and thinking that is the

527
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,879
Speaker 1: ideal version of what I should be and why am

528
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:19,240
Speaker 1: I not able to live up to it? So I

529
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:21,439
Speaker 1: really had to work through that in myself to not

530
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:24,520
Speaker 1: feel bad about myself for not keeping up with the

531
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:26,320
Speaker 1: same stuff that she did, because I also had other

532
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:29,320
Speaker 1: things going on in my life. So all that to say,

533
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:31,959
Speaker 1: if you are in a relationship and you've been fighting

534
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,320
Speaker 1: about the same three things on repeat, maybe it's time

535
00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:37,840
Speaker 1: to zoom out. Maybe it's not about the dishes. Maybe

536
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:41,840
Speaker 1: it's about feeling seen, heard, or considered or respected. The

537
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:45,919
Speaker 1: healthiest relationships are not built on harmony. They're built on

538
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,600
Speaker 1: the willingness to just keep learning each other and understanding

539
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:52,920
Speaker 1: on another. And as Jay always annoyingly reminds me, whenever

540
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:57,120
Speaker 1: I get ratchet or whenever I get you know, on him,

541
00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,200
Speaker 1: it's like, it's me and you against the issue. I'm

542
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:01,880
Speaker 1: not arguing with you, I'm not against you. I want

543
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:03,720
Speaker 1: to solve this with you. And I'm like, oh god,

544
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:05,560
Speaker 1: I just want to throw this shoe at you. But

545
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,240
Speaker 1: you know, we all have different ways of dealing with things.

546
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,200
Speaker 1: But it really is true, if you really care about

547
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,920
Speaker 1: one another, it's both of you together, not against each other.

548
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:17,520
Speaker 1: And I think that's really important to remember when you're

549
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:20,119
Speaker 1: about to throw that shoe. It's really useful actually at

550
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:24,359
Speaker 1: that time, so I hope it's helped if it prevents

551
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,000
Speaker 1: an argument in the future. Please do let me know

552
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:29,760
Speaker 1: you're welcome, and I really do to hope that this

553
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:32,760
Speaker 1: is useful. Send me in your stories. I would love

554
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:35,439
Speaker 1: to hear them. Send you so much love and have

555
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:37,439
Speaker 1: a wonderful, wonderful week. Faith