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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you are not familiar

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Speaker 1: with what couch Talks is, it is the special bonus

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Speaker 1: episode of You Need Therapy Podcast where I Kat answer

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Speaker 1: questions that you, guys the listeners, send to me and

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Speaker 1: you can send those to Katherine at you Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: podcast dot com. Now, the questions always will remain anonymous,

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Speaker 1: so you can feel safe sending in whatever it is

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Speaker 1: that you would like me to answer. The only thing

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Speaker 1: that I say to y'all around that is if you

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Speaker 1: do not want something read or said on the podcast

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Speaker 1: that is in your email, please let me know. And yeah,

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Speaker 1: just include the information that you feel comfortable sharing, and

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Speaker 1: I won't add anything else, especially your name, where you're from,

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Speaker 1: your address, your email address, any of that good stuff. Now,

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Speaker 1: I also want to remind everybody that although I am

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Speaker 1: answering your questions on these episodes, I am still not

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Speaker 1: serving in this podcast as a replacement or a substitute

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Speaker 1: for any actual mental health services. Each week we like

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Speaker 1: to attempt to answer one question. We're going to stay

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Speaker 1: on that track today and I have a question that

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Speaker 1: I'm really grateful for because I imagine it took a lot

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Speaker 1: of courage to write, and I also imagine there's a

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Speaker 1: lot of people that are going to relate to it.

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Speaker 1: So here it is, Hi, Kat, I'm having a hard time.

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Speaker 1: I recently discovered I was pregnant. The father and I

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Speaker 1: are not together, and he strongly wanted me to not

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Speaker 1: have it. I was in shock and I was scared.

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Speaker 1: And while it feels like I took time to decide,

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Speaker 1: in hindsight, it was a quick decision.

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Speaker 2: And I chose to have an abortion.

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Speaker 1: I was raised Catholic, though I never really bought into

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Speaker 1: it and don't consider myself Catholic, but that Catholic guilt

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Speaker 1: runs deep. A big part of me knows that I

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Speaker 1: made the right decision to not have a baby with

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Speaker 1: this man, but the other part of me is so

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Speaker 1: sad and I feel so much shame and guilt. I

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Speaker 1: don't know how I'm going to forgive myself or move

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Speaker 1: past this. If you have any advice or resources, please help.

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Speaker 2: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So, like I said before, this probably took a

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Speaker 1: lot of energy and courage to send in, So thank

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Speaker 1: you so much for sharing this because I know this

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Speaker 1: question is going to hit home with a lot more

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Speaker 1: people than you might realize. A lot of people listening

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Speaker 1: are going to relate to what you're going through in

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Speaker 1: multiple ways. So the first thing I want to say

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Speaker 1: here is that you are not alone in this. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: our shame, and since you said you're experiencing shame, sometimes

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Speaker 1: our shame can tell us that we're the only ones.

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Speaker 2: And I want you to hear very very very very

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Speaker 2: very very.

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Speaker 1: Loudly that you most certainly are not. I also think

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Speaker 1: in these situations we treat ourselves so unfairly, where we

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Speaker 1: tell ourselves we regret something or made the wrong decision,

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Speaker 1: when we can't really know how we would feel if

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Speaker 1: we would have made the other choice. We don't know

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Speaker 1: how that would have went either. We participate in a

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Speaker 1: thing called magical thinking here, and we assume that the

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Speaker 1: other choice would have been much better than this one,

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Speaker 1: and things would have worked out differently or perfectly, or

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Speaker 1: what have you, in this magical way, and that's something

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Speaker 1: we don't have the ability to know within our own

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Speaker 1: human brains. What I do know is that ninety nine

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Speaker 1: percent of the time we do as humans the best

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Speaker 1: we can with what we know and what we have

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Speaker 1: in the moment, and there's no way for us to

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Speaker 1: do better than that. We can't know things before we

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Speaker 1: know them, and we can't make decisions using information that

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Speaker 1: we don't have access to, for example, how something would

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Speaker 1: make us feel. We can make assumptions, but we can

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Speaker 1: know what we know until we know it. So instead

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Speaker 1: of running through all the what ifs if that's something

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Speaker 1: that you're doing, I would really, really, really really strongly

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Speaker 1: encourage you to ask yourself a more helpful question here,

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Speaker 1: which is what is now. The other part here is

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Speaker 1: the religious guilt aspect, which is especially curious in your situation,

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Speaker 1: in ones like this where one doesn't actually believe or

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Speaker 1: practice the religion but their rules and values are still

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Speaker 1: held subconsciously as in quotes right. And this I think

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Speaker 1: stems a little bit from the whole group think phenomenon,

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Speaker 1: you know, like if all these people hold this is true,

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Speaker 1: should I? If all these people have said this, should I?

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Speaker 1: If all of these people in the past have thought this,

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Speaker 1: should I?

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Speaker 2: And will I?

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Speaker 1: And what you might be doing is differentiating from the majority,

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Speaker 1: and that's often seen as evil rebellion, especially in religious right.

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Speaker 1: So if I'm kind of veering off to the left

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Speaker 1: and the right, versus going down the straight, narrow path

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Speaker 1: that has been laid out before us. That's seen as

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Speaker 1: this evil sort of rebellion, you know, like the devil's

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Speaker 1: in you, or Satan has a hold of you, or

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Speaker 1: the enemy has seeped into your brain, versus just simply

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Speaker 1: individuation of self where we actually get to think for ourselves.

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Speaker 1: That's not necessarily evil. And I think in a lot

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Speaker 1: of religious and even non religious areas, it's just different language.

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Speaker 1: But when people do not do what the religion says

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Speaker 1: is right, a lot of times that kind of language

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Speaker 1: is used to manipulate. Sometimes it's not so conscious, sometimes

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Speaker 1: it's not calculated, but it is a form of manipulation

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Speaker 1: where we use this language that can kind of convince

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Speaker 1: us that something's happening. That's not just because you're making

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Speaker 1: a decision that does not align with a certain religious group.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that the devil is in you, and

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Speaker 1: it doesn't mean the enemy has won. It doesn't even

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Speaker 1: mean you believe in any of that, and that doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean it's bad. Even if somebody does think it's bad,

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Speaker 1: that doesn't also mean that you have to think it's

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Speaker 1: bad again individuation. That's actually a very very healthy.

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Speaker 2: Thing to do. So I would ask, what do you.

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Speaker 1: Believe that is telling you something is wrong or telling

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Speaker 1: you that you did something wrong? And I say it

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Speaker 1: this way because guilt sends us the message that we

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Speaker 1: did something wrong. And if you're experiencing guilt around a

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Speaker 1: decision you made, what did you do and what do

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Speaker 1: you believe that is telling you that that thing is wrong?

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Speaker 1: Versus what do other people believe that is telling them

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Speaker 1: that I did something wrong?

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Speaker 2: And do I actually believe that?

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Speaker 1: If I don't and I still feel icky around it,

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Speaker 1: I still feel like I did something wrong. Have you

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Speaker 1: actually worked on deprogramming yourself to not believe this anymore,

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Speaker 1: especially if you grew up in a certain area, or

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Speaker 1: you've grew up maybe you adhered to a certain religion

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Speaker 1: and then you've changed your mind. When our brains and

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Speaker 1: bodies aren't working together, like I don't actively think this, however,

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Speaker 1: I'm feeling this in my body. It's like something that's

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Speaker 1: you know, living in my tummy or my chest feels

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Speaker 1: type or have this anxiety sometimes when our brains and

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Speaker 1: our bodies aren't working together in unison. It's because my

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Speaker 1: current thoughts and my past experiences aren't lining up, and

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Speaker 1: it actually takes some work to realign them. Because if

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Speaker 1: I move through something and I tell myself that it's

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Speaker 1: wrong for my whole life and or bad. So let's

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Speaker 1: say this is easy to use this as a example,

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Speaker 1: like if I my whole life have believed that ice

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Speaker 1: cream is bad and ice cream is not good of

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Speaker 1: the devil, you know, every time I eat ice cream,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to be telling myself that it's bad and

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Speaker 1: my body is going to remember that experience or I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to eat it at all. And if I

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Speaker 1: changed my mind, but then I'm eating the ice cream,

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Speaker 1: my body's going to remember the experience and I might

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Speaker 1: not have attached that new belief system to it. So

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Speaker 1: we might have to do some deprogramming, some reconstruction of

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Speaker 1: my own belief system, and that can take some work,

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Speaker 1: some active work, versus just telling myself I'm supposed to

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Speaker 1: like flip this switch just because I don't want to

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Speaker 1: believe this anymore. I also want to say it's okay

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Speaker 1: to feel about this, it's okay to feel sad about this,

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Speaker 1: it's okay to have feelings about this experience that you

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Speaker 1: have had, and I would really encourage you to ask

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Speaker 1: what your sadness is about versus giving it an automatic

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Speaker 1: label that would just like you know, make sense of

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Speaker 1: I feel blank because of blank. Maybe you have some

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Speaker 1: sadness for yourself for how the experience went down, what happened,

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Speaker 1: the tough choices you had to make, the pressure you felt.

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Speaker 1: And I don't want if it is sadness that you're

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Speaker 1: feeling to automatically get labeled that you're sad about your choice,

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Speaker 1: which means that you did something wrong. What if you

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Speaker 1: were just sad that you had to even make a choice,

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Speaker 1: you were bummed at this was something that was part

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Speaker 1: of your story that necessarily not a moral good or

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Speaker 1: bad thing. That's just a thing. And it's okay to

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Speaker 1: have feelings about things, which probably is the most enlightening

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Speaker 1: sentence I have ever said on this podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's okay to have feelings about things.

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Speaker 1: I would really encourage a lot of conversations in processing

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Speaker 1: with safe people around experiences like this, specifically with a therapist.

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Speaker 1: If those are resources that you have available and that

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Speaker 1: you can access, a lot of this kind of stuff

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Speaker 1: is healed through relationships. It's healed through conversations, experiences, not

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Speaker 1: just with our own thoughts in our head, because sometimes.

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Speaker 2: We can tangle those up.

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Speaker 1: So I would really encourage you when you ask for

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Speaker 1: resources and advice. I can't necessarily give you a protocol here,

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Speaker 1: but what I do want to suggest is allow resources. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: there can be podcasts and books and things that can

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Speaker 1: be really helpful, but the I think the most impactful

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Speaker 1: resource here would be meaningful relationships, meaningful conversations with safe

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Speaker 1: people who are there for you versus an agenda that

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Speaker 1: they want you to adhere to. So I hope you

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Speaker 1: have those people in your life, or you can start

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Speaker 1: on a journey to find those people in your life.

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Speaker 1: Shame tells us to keep quiet. You know, I go

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Speaker 1: going back to the beginning, you're not alone. Shame is

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Speaker 1: going to tell you that you're alone, and it's going

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Speaker 1: to tell you to be quiet. Don't talk about this

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Speaker 1: because you know it should be a secret that nobody

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Speaker 1: else finds out about it, because it's bad, because shame's

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Speaker 1: telling you that you are bad for this decision. And

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Speaker 1: shame is often often often a liar. And the more

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Speaker 1: we stay silent in our shame, the more secrets we're

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Speaker 1: going to have within ourselves, and a lot of times

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Speaker 1: secrets are what makes us sick emotionally. So doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: you have to write this on social media, doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: you have to shout out from the rooftops. That's not

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying here at all. Telling one person can

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Speaker 1: be and having a conversation with one safe person can

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Speaker 1: be what you need. But I want to encourage you

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Speaker 1: to allow yourself to release the shame by speaking it

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Speaker 1: into the world and maybe into a friend, a therapist,

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Speaker 1: a safe person, maybe even start with a pet.

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Speaker 2: That pet can even be a fish.

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Speaker 1: That might be the stepping stone. So yeah, I hope

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Speaker 1: that was helpful. As usual, I always hope that these

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Speaker 1: episodes are helpful in some way, And thank you again

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Speaker 1: so much for sharing that and for being open and

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Speaker 1: vulnerable in asking a tough question that is going to

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Speaker 1: do it for me today Again, couch Talks, You guys

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Speaker 1: can write in any questions feedback if you have feedback

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Speaker 1: about a couch Talks question. I always welcome those to

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Speaker 1: share your feedback, maybe things that helped you, maybe ways

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Speaker 1: you relate to somebody that has written in that might

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Speaker 1: be helpful for them to.

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Speaker 2: Hear that could be really powerful.

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Speaker 1: So if you have anything that you want to send

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Speaker 1: to me Katherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: You can follow us on Instagram at you Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: Podcasts and at cat dot Defada and I will be

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Speaker 1: back with you guys on Monday for another new episode.

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Speaker 2: Until then, I hope you have the day you need

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Speaker 2: to have. Bye, guys,