WEBVTT - Date My Mom 0:00:14.280 --> 0:00:16.240 Welcome back to I Do Far Too. 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:20.239 It's your celebrity mentors Kelly Bensamin from the Real Housewives 0:00:20.280 --> 0:00:23.320 of New York and myself, Alexian Dapola from the Real 0:00:23.360 --> 0:00:24.360 Housewives of Miami. 0:00:25.000 --> 0:00:27.840 Hey Kelly, Hi Alexia, how are you? 0:00:28.720 --> 0:00:29.280 I'm good? 0:00:29.400 --> 0:00:29.920 Thank you. 0:00:30.160 --> 0:00:30.960 How are you doing? 0:00:31.320 --> 0:00:31.920 I'm doing well. 0:00:31.960 --> 0:00:35.279 This is going to be a very very interesting conversation 0:00:35.720 --> 0:00:36.920 with doctor Hilly culture. 0:00:36.960 --> 0:00:39.640 I cannot wait. Yes, I ask you some questions. What 0:00:39.720 --> 0:00:40.559 are you going to ask her? 0:00:40.760 --> 0:00:42.960 Yes, well, I have I have so many questions. 0:00:43.000 --> 0:00:45.080 I feel like we can do like three, four or 0:00:45.120 --> 0:00:48.159 five parts to this segment because there's so much to 0:00:48.280 --> 0:00:51.000 talk about and so much to ue wrap. But for me, 0:00:51.120 --> 0:00:54.120 it's always been like, why do women get it harder 0:00:54.120 --> 0:00:55.600 than men when it comes to dating? 0:00:55.680 --> 0:00:57.240 Why is it okay for dad to. 0:00:57.240 --> 0:01:00.400 Date whoever he wants to date, whatever age they are, 0:01:00.640 --> 0:01:01.320 doesn't matter. 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:02.440 Everything is okay. 0:01:02.480 --> 0:01:04.880 But then the mom has like a really nice guy 0:01:04.959 --> 0:01:06.360 that she wants to day and they give it a 0:01:06.400 --> 0:01:08.760 really hard time. I have a problem with that. What 0:01:08.760 --> 0:01:10.280 do you think do you think that's a good question? 0:01:10.840 --> 0:01:12.679 That is a great question, And I know that a 0:01:12.680 --> 0:01:14.360 lot of people are going to want to know the answer. 0:01:15.600 --> 0:01:17.600 Yeah, I mean, because you know, I know that there's 0:01:17.680 --> 0:01:20.080 a lot to it as well, but I always think 0:01:20.080 --> 0:01:22.160 it's just so much harder to be a woman, Kelly, 0:01:22.800 --> 0:01:24.360 Like in my next life, I just want to be 0:01:24.360 --> 0:01:26.000 a lie. I think they're having so much easier. 0:01:26.560 --> 0:01:29.280 Well, because we're the nurturers, that's why. Yeah. 0:01:29.280 --> 0:01:31.160 Well I love I love being a mom and being 0:01:31.160 --> 0:01:35.039 a nurturer and so nurtures. But I always feel like 0:01:35.200 --> 0:01:37.320 the dad, you know, is like we can get away 0:01:37.400 --> 0:01:39.600 with anything, and if he has money, even more power 0:01:39.680 --> 0:01:42.240 to him. It's like he's perfect, he's great. There's nothing 0:01:42.240 --> 0:01:45.680 he does wrong as long as he provides right. So, okay, okay, 0:01:45.760 --> 0:01:48.520 doctor Hillary is here, so let's just dive right into this. 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:49.840 Hi, doctor Hillary. 0:01:50.280 --> 0:01:52.480 Hi, it's so fun to be here. Thanks for having me. 0:01:52.800 --> 0:01:54.720 Yeah, so we're going to dive right into this, and 0:01:54.760 --> 0:01:57.080 we have a lot of questions for you, doctor Hillary, 0:01:57.640 --> 0:02:00.880 and I'm sure the viewers and the lists are very 0:02:01.600 --> 0:02:03.440 eager to hear what you have to say about this. 0:02:04.120 --> 0:02:07.920 So in your professional opinion, I want to know what 0:02:08.040 --> 0:02:10.600 you think. Who has it more difficult? Is it the 0:02:10.720 --> 0:02:13.320 dads that have been more difficult when it comes to 0:02:13.520 --> 0:02:17.120 dating you girls? Or do the single moms that are 0:02:17.200 --> 0:02:19.600 dating haveing more difficult? You know, as far as when 0:02:19.600 --> 0:02:22.480 the kids are involved, right, Like, who do you think 0:02:22.919 --> 0:02:24.600 has it hard or in the dating game when it 0:02:24.600 --> 0:02:26.000 comes to dating post divorce. 0:02:27.720 --> 0:02:31.760 That's such a juicy question. There's so many levels of 0:02:31.800 --> 0:02:36.960 that question to consider, so I'll unpack it. I mean, 0:02:37.040 --> 0:02:40.519 I think, like at the top of the pyramid is intentionality, right, 0:02:40.600 --> 0:02:43.680 it sort of depends on what the dad or the 0:02:43.720 --> 0:02:47.720 mom is looking for. If you're looking for dating and 0:02:47.880 --> 0:02:52.040 casual fun, maybe men have it a bit easier for 0:02:52.320 --> 0:02:57.480 all the reasons in terms of access and the numbers 0:02:57.520 --> 0:03:03.320 of women available younger, perhaps there's more of an ease 0:03:03.440 --> 0:03:06.160 in that regard. But in terms of like trying to 0:03:06.280 --> 0:03:11.600 curate a new connection and a new relationship, I think 0:03:11.639 --> 0:03:15.200 it depends on the level of consciousness that each person 0:03:15.440 --> 0:03:20.560 brings right post divorce, the way to cultivate a successful 0:03:20.639 --> 0:03:24.600 relationship is to come with a new understanding about what 0:03:24.639 --> 0:03:27.760 you're looking for, what you'll tolerate, what you won't tolerate. 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:30.959 I think that's heavy lifting, and in a way, women 0:03:31.320 --> 0:03:35.640 probably have more foresight and resources to go through that 0:03:35.760 --> 0:03:38.760 exercise to bring about things in their lives that resonate, 0:03:39.440 --> 0:03:42.360 and men may do less of that post divorce. And 0:03:42.360 --> 0:03:45.240 it's sort of stereotypical cliche, but I often see it. 0:03:46.120 --> 0:03:50.440 So I think it really depends on each person's emotional 0:03:50.480 --> 0:03:54.600 station in life, what kind of work they actually engage 0:03:54.600 --> 0:03:57.720 in post divorce, what kind of level of as I said, 0:03:57.760 --> 0:04:02.760 consciousness and intentionality. You mentioned the kids, So logistics around kids, 0:04:02.760 --> 0:04:05.120 there's a whole other element that's true. 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:07.640 Well, I mean I find with my experience and as 0:04:07.680 --> 0:04:11.160 a woman, I feel like just in general, it's harder 0:04:11.200 --> 0:04:12.920 for the woman to date. You know, I think the 0:04:13.000 --> 0:04:14.920 kids are harder on their mom. I don't know if 0:04:14.920 --> 0:04:17.599 it's that they're being more protected or they you know, 0:04:17.640 --> 0:04:19.320 live most of the time with the mom or she 0:04:19.400 --> 0:04:22.279 has like that, you know, that mother figure role. And 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:24.760 I just think the guys dad's have it easier, right, 0:04:24.839 --> 0:04:27.240 It's just like, you know, it's okay for like the 0:04:27.320 --> 0:04:29.359 dad to day different girls, but you know, when it 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:33.280 comes to the mom, it's that we're judged differently. I 0:04:33.320 --> 0:04:36.000 mean that's just like my opinion and not that i've 0:04:36.400 --> 0:04:38.960 lived in. But you know, I have a lot of 0:04:38.960 --> 0:04:42.800 friends that are divorced. In our dating and and that's it, 0:04:42.920 --> 0:04:44.120 you know, That's what they've shared with me. 0:04:44.480 --> 0:04:45.520 I think too, Alexi. 0:04:45.640 --> 0:04:49.160 It's also you know, it's I love that Hillary is 0:04:49.160 --> 0:04:52.640 talking about Doctor Halley's talking about all the work and 0:04:52.640 --> 0:04:54.320 and that is so important. 0:04:54.920 --> 0:04:58.160 Uh. I think for children too, just from like seeing my. 0:04:58.240 --> 0:05:02.080 Kids, they're you know a lot of children gravitate towards 0:05:02.120 --> 0:05:07.719 the parent who basically is either they're blaming the parent 0:05:07.800 --> 0:05:11.840 that is the one that's the nurturer, and they're celebrating. 0:05:11.320 --> 0:05:12.760 The one that has the money. 0:05:12.920 --> 0:05:16.200 And so like I think, you know, typically the generalization, 0:05:16.480 --> 0:05:18.240 like doctor Hillary said, is that you know a lot 0:05:18.279 --> 0:05:21.680 of men, you know, have Wednesdays and Saturdays and the 0:05:21.720 --> 0:05:26.159 women have you know, the majority of the time with 0:05:26.200 --> 0:05:26.760 the children. 0:05:26.839 --> 0:05:29.200 And so it's just natural. 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:32.960 That you know, when you reliant on a parent, whether 0:05:32.960 --> 0:05:37.000 they're the father or the mother, that person, that parent 0:05:37.120 --> 0:05:38.840 is going to be the one that's not going to 0:05:38.920 --> 0:05:42.680 get you know, the love. And you know, I know 0:05:42.920 --> 0:05:44.920 for my own self, I mean I didn't have there 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:48.480 was no Wednesdays, there were no saturdays, there were no vacations. 0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:52.200 It was I had a full custody of my children, 0:05:52.760 --> 0:05:55.400 which I asked for just because I thought it was 0:05:55.440 --> 0:05:59.120 the best scenario for my children, and. 0:05:59.080 --> 0:06:00.000 It was really different. 0:06:00.360 --> 0:06:03.240 I mean, my children are older now, but when they 0:06:03.240 --> 0:06:07.400 were younger, it was very, very difficult because I did 0:06:07.440 --> 0:06:10.160 not want to bring them into a situation where they 0:06:10.160 --> 0:06:11.640 were like, who is this person? 0:06:11.760 --> 0:06:12.680 Are you my daddy? 0:06:12.880 --> 0:06:14.480 You know, it's like oh that little book like are 0:06:14.480 --> 0:06:16.320 you my daddy? Are you my daddy? 0:06:16.880 --> 0:06:17.000 Uh? 0:06:17.680 --> 0:06:20.679 And so, And I didn't want my children to feel 0:06:20.720 --> 0:06:23.960 like that as well, like they needed to find a dad. 0:06:25.839 --> 0:06:27.080 That's not what I wanted. 0:06:27.120 --> 0:06:30.000 And even now my kids are, they're really looking for 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:32.039 a partner. So it's like the three of us, we're 0:06:32.040 --> 0:06:34.839 like we're a trifecta. And there I mean sometimes I'm like, oh. 0:06:34.720 --> 0:06:36.800 My god, like the people that they like versus the 0:06:36.800 --> 0:06:37.680 purple that I like. 0:06:38.920 --> 0:06:41.839 You know, it's like it's it's like very stressful because 0:06:41.880 --> 0:06:43.240 they're like, this is the person for you. 0:06:43.320 --> 0:06:44.440 And I'm like, are you sure? 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:47.159 That's a great question. So should we have our children 0:06:47.240 --> 0:06:48.640 picking our partners? 0:06:49.600 --> 0:06:51.920 Doctor Hillary? Should we That's a great question, Alexi? 0:06:52.000 --> 0:06:55.320 Yeah, fine, I mean we want our children's approval, of course, 0:06:55.760 --> 0:06:57.960 you know, because there are lives and there's such a 0:06:58.000 --> 0:06:59.720 big part of our life and we want to blend 0:06:59.800 --> 0:07:02.200 us families who want, you know, everybody to be happy 0:07:02.240 --> 0:07:05.719 and get along. But is that even a good idea, right, 0:07:05.800 --> 0:07:07.480 because at the end of the day, we don't really 0:07:07.480 --> 0:07:10.080 have a say in our children's relationships. And our children 0:07:10.120 --> 0:07:13.240 grow up and they make their choices and they you know, 0:07:13.320 --> 0:07:15.800 choose and select their partners, and you know, they want 0:07:15.840 --> 0:07:17.800 our blessing too, right, we want to like them also 0:07:17.800 --> 0:07:20.000 and approve of them, but at the end of the day, 0:07:20.040 --> 0:07:22.640 it just really, you know, it has to do with you. 0:07:22.760 --> 0:07:25.040 I don't think we should give our children that power. 0:07:25.160 --> 0:07:27.480 I do think we need to validate their emotions and 0:07:27.520 --> 0:07:31.080 their feelings and respect their boundaries and all that. But 0:07:31.400 --> 0:07:33.960 it's really the person that makes you happy, and whatever 0:07:34.000 --> 0:07:36.160 they think they make you happy is really not what 0:07:36.200 --> 0:07:37.720 you're searching for what you need. 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:42.200 There's like the old old adage about how other people's 0:07:42.400 --> 0:07:45.400 see other people seeing in and you know it's like 0:07:45.520 --> 0:07:47.240 they're you know, it's like they always they say something like, 0:07:47.280 --> 0:07:49.160 you know, people are blind, but the neighbors ain't. 0:07:49.240 --> 0:07:53.239 Like the neighbors are not blind. And sometimes our kids 0:07:53.400 --> 0:07:57.120 they have different interests because maybe like for example, they 0:07:57.200 --> 0:07:59.280 might like like a man who has more money, so 0:07:59.320 --> 0:08:02.160 that then they see that the man is showering you know, 0:08:02.480 --> 0:08:05.400 us with money, and maybe that that they're like that 0:08:05.800 --> 0:08:10.120 helps them feel more comfortable. But you know, friends and family, 0:08:10.280 --> 0:08:12.680 they see when the person is the wrong person. 0:08:12.920 --> 0:08:14.320 Doctor Hally, what do you think about that? 0:08:14.360 --> 0:08:15.960 Well, yeah, the red flags for sure. 0:08:16.040 --> 0:08:18.000 Yeah, they do know that absolutely. 0:08:18.720 --> 0:08:21.680 So there's actually a clear answer to this, which is no, 0:08:23.840 --> 0:08:27.040 and I'll walk through why. But that doesn't mean that 0:08:27.120 --> 0:08:31.760 the children aren't involved in the process of sort of 0:08:31.880 --> 0:08:36.560 curating and extended dynamic with a partner that you're going 0:08:36.600 --> 0:08:39.640 to introduce into your life. There should be a real 0:08:39.720 --> 0:08:43.640 deliberateness about how you facilitate that. But in terms of 0:08:43.760 --> 0:08:47.439 picking a partner, what I'm about to say is really critical, 0:08:47.480 --> 0:08:51.160 which is kids don't ultimately want that responsibility. They may 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:54.160 tell you they do, they may try to embody it, 0:08:54.520 --> 0:08:57.440 but kids don't feel good when they have quote too 0:08:57.559 --> 0:09:00.880 much power over their parents. They don't want to run 0:09:00.920 --> 0:09:03.640 the show. If we ask them, they're going to probably 0:09:03.640 --> 0:09:06.320 say the office it. But later when they end up 0:09:06.360 --> 0:09:09.040 in my office in like twenty years, they're going to 0:09:09.120 --> 0:09:12.320 talk about the dynamic of feeling like they had too 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:15.400 much say in their family system. It doesn't feel good. 0:09:15.400 --> 0:09:18.720 That feels disregulating. So setting the boundary of like, hey, 0:09:18.800 --> 0:09:21.880 this is this is kind of mom's journey, and like 0:09:22.160 --> 0:09:24.920 I will sort of date and get to know people 0:09:24.960 --> 0:09:28.960 that I feel appropriate. I will make mistakes, I will 0:09:29.000 --> 0:09:32.240 make connections, and like, when it's appropriate, I'll bring you 0:09:32.280 --> 0:09:35.120 in and I'll ask your opinion about how and about 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:38.800 when and how often. And it's then that if kids 0:09:38.800 --> 0:09:41.320 have feedback about like I really think he's amazing for 0:09:41.400 --> 0:09:43.400 these reasons, they're like, I'm kind of seeing something that 0:09:43.440 --> 0:09:46.760 makes me uncomfortable. That's a fair dialogue to have with kids. 0:09:46.840 --> 0:09:49.040 But we don't want to put kids in a position 0:09:49.120 --> 0:09:52.760 to feel responsible. It's like it's too much heavy lifting. 0:09:53.280 --> 0:09:54.720 That's another interesting point. 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:57.679 So if we and I agree with that, I agree that, 0:09:57.840 --> 0:10:01.439 you know, I mean I have respect for my children's opinions, 0:10:01.480 --> 0:10:05.120 but I don't, you know, make decisions based on their thoughts. 0:10:05.200 --> 0:10:07.160 I mean, they're still even though they're twenty four and 0:10:07.160 --> 0:10:09.920 twenty six, they are still my children. 0:10:10.480 --> 0:10:11.439 So I agree with that. 0:10:12.080 --> 0:10:14.840 But what about when you're in the dynamic of like 0:10:14.920 --> 0:10:17.200 blending the family, Because like when you're you know, I'm 0:10:17.240 --> 0:10:20.560 fifty six years old, obviously there's going to be a 0:10:20.600 --> 0:10:23.760 lot of men in the pool that I'm looking at 0:10:23.800 --> 0:10:27.280 who have children, and what are your thoughts when like 0:10:27.679 --> 0:10:30.480 all of the kids are kind of like at each 0:10:30.480 --> 0:10:32.640 other's throats, and you know, like. 0:10:32.679 --> 0:10:35.520 How do like what are your thoughts on that? 0:10:36.080 --> 0:10:38.480 Yeah? Yeah, yeah, it's such a good question, and there's 0:10:38.559 --> 0:10:43.200 no like formula to make it go perfectly, but at 0:10:43.360 --> 0:10:46.600 least try to be in mind you slow, deliberate and 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:50.199 sort of curated about it. I would have an upfront 0:10:50.200 --> 0:10:53.240 discussion about it, like I was just alluding to earlier 0:10:53.360 --> 0:10:55.800 that like, this person's important to me, even if your 0:10:55.880 --> 0:10:58.319 kiddos are twenty six and twenty four, you know, even 0:10:58.360 --> 0:11:01.560 if they're clearly adults, and particularly when they're kiddos, But 0:11:02.040 --> 0:11:04.120 either way, I would sit down and sort of be like, like, 0:11:04.840 --> 0:11:07.280 this is going to happen. This person has become important 0:11:07.280 --> 0:11:09.120 to me, and I want him to know you, and 0:11:09.160 --> 0:11:11.760 I want you to know him. And he has kids 0:11:11.800 --> 0:11:13.240 in the mix, and I want you all to know 0:11:13.320 --> 0:11:15.720 each other. I want there to be some version of community. 0:11:15.920 --> 0:11:18.600 I appreciate that, yeah, and I think you should go slow. 0:11:18.640 --> 0:11:20.960 Also, I feel like the biggest problem with a lot 0:11:21.000 --> 0:11:24.680 of relationships women and men is that they introduce their 0:11:25.120 --> 0:11:28.319 so called new love or boyfriend or girlfriend too sue 0:11:28.400 --> 0:11:30.959 to the kids. And sometimes the kids don't really need 0:11:31.040 --> 0:11:33.880 to be involved so soon in the relationship. So that's 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:36.760 advice I could give, right to just go slow. 0:11:37.160 --> 0:11:42.320 Alexia is absolutely right, even though we women or the 0:11:42.559 --> 0:11:47.600 guy might be really excited and should envision this community 0:11:47.880 --> 0:11:51.640 and you know sort of familial feel which is sort 0:11:51.679 --> 0:11:55.280 of really an exciting notion that's post divorced and you 0:11:55.320 --> 0:11:58.360 start imagining like some other paradigm that feels really healing 0:11:58.400 --> 0:12:01.520 and lovely. But kids don't need to be involved at 0:12:01.559 --> 0:12:05.880 the beginning. I mean, there's no particular time frame that 0:12:06.040 --> 0:12:08.880 I would adhere to per se, but like I wouldn't 0:12:08.920 --> 0:12:11.680 get into it for at least six months, is my opinion. 0:12:12.040 --> 0:12:15.360 What happens when you like the kids more than your partner. 0:12:15.960 --> 0:12:17.960 That's eppened to me, Like I love the kids, and 0:12:18.000 --> 0:12:23.839 I was like, he's awful, but they're amazing. 0:12:22.559 --> 0:12:27.079 A sign to consider exiting, Yeah, yeah, right, awful. 0:12:27.600 --> 0:12:29.280 And you know it's like I feel like I'm like, oh, 0:12:29.640 --> 0:12:32.800 my kids. There's one French friend, a guy that I dated, 0:12:32.800 --> 0:12:35.440 and he had kids who are just were adorable. And 0:12:35.480 --> 0:12:39.120 my kids still really really liked his kids, and but 0:12:39.240 --> 0:12:43.200 he's just awful. So it's like, you know, that is 0:12:43.280 --> 0:12:45.800 just terrible too, because I mean, you know, for someone 0:12:45.880 --> 0:12:49.120 like me like I have since day one, the reason 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:53.360 that I got divorced, the fundamental reason outside of like 0:12:53.480 --> 0:12:56.760 other things, but the fundamental reason is because I wanted 0:12:56.760 --> 0:13:00.160 a family for my family, and I did not know 0:13:00.200 --> 0:13:02.520 my ex husband was not He was a you know, 0:13:02.559 --> 0:13:05.960 he's an incredible creative, but in terms of being like 0:13:06.000 --> 0:13:10.120 a father figure and creating a dynamic family, he just 0:13:10.200 --> 0:13:10.920 that wasn't that. 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:13.000 He just didn't have that tool in his tool. 0:13:12.800 --> 0:13:15.480 About just wasn't there, And so I was just I've 0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:18.120 been constantly on the search. 0:13:19.440 --> 0:13:19.800 For fit. 0:13:19.960 --> 0:13:24.679 Literally now it's fifteen almost fifteen years for just a 0:13:24.720 --> 0:13:26.600 good human I can tell. 0:13:26.600 --> 0:13:28.679 Where are they? 0:13:28.800 --> 0:13:31.560 Well, I mean you're bringing up something that's sort of 0:13:31.559 --> 0:13:33.840 tangential to what we were just talking about, which is 0:13:33.840 --> 0:13:37.040 that not for every woman, but for many women, that 0:13:37.120 --> 0:13:40.640 sort of primitive edict for connection and family and community 0:13:40.800 --> 0:13:43.560 and you being in search of that is completely lovely 0:13:43.640 --> 0:13:47.800 and appropriate and can be blinding. When you're getting to 0:13:47.920 --> 0:13:52.320 know someone, there's an apparent opportunity to build that community, 0:13:52.360 --> 0:13:54.680 and we can like fill in the lengths to make 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:58.480 it okay for what we wanted to be without being 0:13:58.600 --> 0:14:02.080 clear about what's actually happening. And so even though you 0:14:02.160 --> 0:14:04.960 have that interest of curating that community and that sort 0:14:04.960 --> 0:14:08.040 of family system, and you know, I said before six months, 0:14:08.080 --> 0:14:10.920 whatever the number, is trying to be slow and deliberate 0:14:10.960 --> 0:14:15.080 and intentional having those kind of conversations with your kids beforehand, 0:14:15.160 --> 0:14:16.440 and to kind of get back to the point you 0:14:16.440 --> 0:14:19.320 guys brought up if and when things aren't going well, 0:14:19.560 --> 0:14:22.040 you know, the kids don't get along or they're not 0:14:22.240 --> 0:14:26.600 interested in connecting, like deeply validating it. I totally get it, 0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:29.240 Like this is fun for me, but like doesn't feel 0:14:29.240 --> 0:14:31.200 that fun for you? Makes sense to me. This isn't 0:14:31.200 --> 0:14:33.960 your family, This isn't you know, these aren't your siblings, 0:14:34.000 --> 0:14:36.840 this isn't a step parent, and you're not invested Like 0:14:36.880 --> 0:14:40.080 I am, totally what's something that we can broker that 0:14:40.280 --> 0:14:43.480 feels okay to you? You know? Can we spend a 0:14:43.520 --> 0:14:46.160 couple of hours once a week, right being able to 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:49.840 respect our kids' perspective. I mean some of this depends 0:14:49.840 --> 0:14:51.600 on age. We can get into the nuance of that, 0:14:51.640 --> 0:14:55.040 but respecting what it feels like as a kid to 0:14:55.200 --> 0:14:59.320 be introduced to this new paradigm of people. For you, 0:14:59.320 --> 0:15:03.080 you have compelled exciting feelings for kids, they have natural resistance. 0:15:03.680 --> 0:15:06.800 Yeah, I think it's also some for me. My kids 0:15:06.920 --> 0:15:09.000 really want me to meet someone. They want me to 0:15:09.040 --> 0:15:12.760 meet someone special, not just anyone. They really want me 0:15:12.920 --> 0:15:18.320 to have that you know, relationship. They know that I've looked, 0:15:18.480 --> 0:15:20.240 I've been looking for that. They know it's something that 0:15:20.240 --> 0:15:24.560 I've always wanted and I just never you know, found it. 0:15:24.600 --> 0:15:25.480 And it's interesting. 0:15:25.920 --> 0:15:27.840 I was on a call with one of my clients 0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:29.560 the other day and he was like, you didn't get 0:15:29.560 --> 0:15:34.200 the memo Kelly of like dating the rich man? Like, no, 0:15:34.320 --> 0:15:37.000 I'm sorry, I just didn't get that memo, all. 0:15:37.040 --> 0:15:39.200 Right, miss that one. Miss that memo. 0:15:39.400 --> 0:15:39.760 Sorry. 0:15:39.800 --> 0:15:42.080 And I'm like, that's not what I'm looking for. I'm 0:15:42.120 --> 0:15:46.080 looking for a real connection. What about you, Alexey, what 0:15:46.160 --> 0:15:46.720 are your thoughts. 0:15:47.120 --> 0:15:49.080 I think it's going to be easier for you now 0:15:49.160 --> 0:15:53.280 that your daughters are older. I think it's harder when 0:15:53.280 --> 0:15:56.440 they're teenagers, you know, especially for girls that they're permonal 0:15:56.640 --> 0:15:59.280 and they're going through their periods, and you know, it 0:15:59.320 --> 0:16:02.920 also depends on the you know, parenting styles, you know, like, 0:16:02.960 --> 0:16:05.800 for example, if you're dating somebody that has children and 0:16:05.880 --> 0:16:08.640 his parent and style is different from yours, it's really 0:16:08.680 --> 0:16:09.880 difficult to blend families. 0:16:10.000 --> 0:16:12.360 I'm not gonna lie. I've been through it two. 0:16:12.200 --> 0:16:16.880 Times already, and I want to say that I haven't 0:16:16.920 --> 0:16:19.680 really succeeded because you need both sides. You need everybody 0:16:19.680 --> 0:16:22.640 needs to be involved, right like your current partner, his 0:16:22.800 --> 0:16:27.800 ex wife, his children, yourself, your children. It's really really hard. 0:16:27.880 --> 0:16:29.920 Like back in the day, for example, my mom was 0:16:29.960 --> 0:16:34.080 divorced five times, so I had different men in my life, right, 0:16:34.160 --> 0:16:36.080 But my mom always had it very clear and would 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:38.680 tell the men, these are my children, and we were 0:16:38.720 --> 0:16:41.560 three brothers and sisters, and you have no say in 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:44.200 the way I bring up my children or in anything. 0:16:44.720 --> 0:16:47.760 So I really never saw them as a stepfather or 0:16:47.800 --> 0:16:50.200 as a father figure or anything like that. Because I 0:16:50.200 --> 0:16:51.920 had my father. I was fortunate enough to have my 0:16:51.920 --> 0:16:54.520 father involved in my life. So it was always like 0:16:54.560 --> 0:16:57.360 my mom's boyfriend or my mom's man, but it was 0:16:57.640 --> 0:17:00.240 never really involved in my life. Back in the day, 0:17:00.240 --> 0:17:02.320 and this was obviously many years ago. Well, we didn't 0:17:02.320 --> 0:17:04.760 have all this information and awareness and all this kind 0:17:04.760 --> 0:17:06.960 of stuff. Even though my mom was a psychiatrist and 0:17:07.000 --> 0:17:10.160 she was a very smart woman and she that's how 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:12.840 it works for her. It was like, these are my children, 0:17:12.960 --> 0:17:15.159 and we lived with my mom, so it was my 0:17:15.200 --> 0:17:17.960 mom's rules, and she never allowed her partner to have 0:17:18.160 --> 0:17:21.320 any say in any decision making in our lives. And 0:17:21.359 --> 0:17:23.920 you know what, it works for her. So it's something 0:17:23.920 --> 0:17:26.320 that's very personal. You know, we can have I do 0:17:26.520 --> 0:17:28.360 part one, two, three, four or five. We can talk 0:17:28.359 --> 0:17:31.560 about the subjects forever because it's so complex and there's 0:17:31.600 --> 0:17:35.280 so much too unpack, and it depends on the children also, 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:38.240 Like give you're the new spouse that comes in and 0:17:38.320 --> 0:17:41.000 you partner, whether you were a cause of the divorce, 0:17:41.080 --> 0:17:43.320 you know, the children are going to have resentment and 0:17:43.359 --> 0:17:45.520 they're not gonna you know, welcome the person into their 0:17:45.520 --> 0:17:47.600 lives and you can't even blame you know, the child 0:17:48.040 --> 0:17:51.560 in a way. So it's just very very complex, you know. 0:17:51.640 --> 0:17:54.320 But for you, Kelly, I think it's way easier now 0:17:54.560 --> 0:17:57.480 because your daughters are older. You have a beautiful relationship 0:17:57.480 --> 0:18:00.359 with them. They're mature, you know, they want you know, 0:18:00.359 --> 0:18:02.959 our children learn from us, So you're I'm sure your 0:18:03.040 --> 0:18:05.280 daughters are going to choose really well, you know, because 0:18:05.320 --> 0:18:07.560 they had a really good example and they probably want 0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:10.080 for you what they want for them. And what's going 0:18:10.160 --> 0:18:13.280 to make you happier than having your daughters marry forever? 0:18:13.440 --> 0:18:16.120 Right and find that man and you're gonna find them too. 0:18:16.280 --> 0:18:18.320 You know, he's he's out there. You just have to 0:18:18.320 --> 0:18:20.719 put yourself out there and be open to it. And 0:18:20.840 --> 0:18:22.920 you know, don't involve your daughter so much, Kelly. They're 0:18:22.920 --> 0:18:25.200 already adults. You know, they're going to figure it out. 0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:27.760 They're going to have their relationships, and they're gonna make 0:18:27.760 --> 0:18:29.280 their mistakes too, even though I know we want to 0:18:29.280 --> 0:18:31.320 save our children and not make the mistakes, but they 0:18:31.359 --> 0:18:32.919 have to go through it to and learn from it. 0:18:33.080 --> 0:18:35.400 I mean, I love my girls like I literally would 0:18:35.400 --> 0:18:38.400 do absolutely anything for them, and I've proven that. 0:18:38.600 --> 0:18:41.320 We'll both basically mom, we have amazing kids. But what 0:18:41.440 --> 0:18:44.639 happens is that, you know, I'm also in my fifties. 0:18:44.920 --> 0:18:47.360 Your children grow up and you know, and they they 0:18:47.600 --> 0:18:49.280 make their lives and they do and that's what you 0:18:49.320 --> 0:18:51.000 want them to do. It It's hard for me too 0:18:51.000 --> 0:18:54.720 because I'm super overprotective and you know my situation, but 0:18:54.880 --> 0:18:57.159 you know, it would be selfish with me, you know, 0:18:57.240 --> 0:18:58.800 not to do that, and we have to look up 0:18:58.800 --> 0:19:02.520 for ourselves and what makes us happy. And obviously you're 0:19:02.640 --> 0:19:04.880 at a different stage in your life than your daughters 0:19:04.880 --> 0:19:07.760 are just beginning. And like I said, I'm sure that 0:19:07.880 --> 0:19:10.480 they're gonna pick that guy, the guy that they would 0:19:10.480 --> 0:19:12.480 probably want you to be with, right, but that's what 0:19:12.520 --> 0:19:14.840 they want. So that's the person they're going to choose. 0:19:14.840 --> 0:19:17.280 And you're going to pick whoever, you know, whoever's going 0:19:17.359 --> 0:19:19.439 to make you happy and checks off the boxes and 0:19:19.920 --> 0:19:23.320 you're going to have, you know, that compatibility and whatever 0:19:23.359 --> 0:19:25.600 it is you know that you're looking for. But I've 0:19:25.720 --> 0:19:28.360 learned that we need to leave our children out of it. 0:19:28.480 --> 0:19:30.800