WEBVTT - Call It Different Stages 0:00:01.000 --> 0:00:04.800 Call It What It Is with Jessica Capshaw and Camille Luddington, 0:00:05.240 --> 0:00:07.080 an iHeartRadio podcast. 0:00:16.120 --> 0:00:21.439 Well, hello, Hello, Hello, Hello Call It crew, and welcome 0:00:21.440 --> 0:00:23.720 to another episode of Call It What It Is. 0:00:24.840 --> 0:00:27.880 Holy moly, I know there's a little pause here. 0:00:28.320 --> 0:00:33.000 We're talking about friendship breakups, a popular demand. I'm not 0:00:33.000 --> 0:00:36.080 a very popular but demand. Yeah, absolutely, people want to 0:00:36.120 --> 0:00:39.040 talk about it. I actually saw it as a sign 0:00:39.120 --> 0:00:41.880 of real trust because this one is something that actually, 0:00:41.920 --> 0:00:43.640 you know how like all the teenagers these days, if 0:00:43.680 --> 0:00:46.640 you if they offend you, at least mine when they 0:00:46.640 --> 0:00:49.080 offend you. When they offend you, they follow it up 0:00:49.120 --> 0:00:52.239 with like, it's not that deep, and you're like, actually, 0:00:52.920 --> 0:00:55.880 you just made it deeper. Yeah, And also it's up 0:00:55.920 --> 0:00:59.160 to me if it's deep, how would I how would 0:00:59.200 --> 0:01:01.680 I let you know? But that's the segue into this 0:01:01.720 --> 0:01:05.080 is deep. Friendship breakups I think are one of the 0:01:05.080 --> 0:01:06.920 most painful things you can possibly go through. 0:01:08.120 --> 0:01:11.600 They are so jess Yeah, So this is a lot 0:01:11.600 --> 0:01:14.319 of the College crew that've been writing us to talk 0:01:14.360 --> 0:01:14.600 with us. 0:01:14.640 --> 0:01:15.880 We've talked, we've kind of. 0:01:15.840 --> 0:01:17.640 Glossed over it a little bit before this is our 0:01:17.680 --> 0:01:20.840 deep dive into it. And so I spent you know, 0:01:21.319 --> 0:01:23.920 the past couple of days just too, we've been really 0:01:23.959 --> 0:01:24.720 researching it. 0:01:24.959 --> 0:01:27.480 We've been reading a lot of material on it and 0:01:27.640 --> 0:01:28.320 kind of all. 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:32.200 Over the place, like for different different outlets with different perspectives, 0:01:32.200 --> 0:01:34.800 because I think it's sort of although I got to say, 0:01:34.800 --> 0:01:36.000 they all say the same thing. 0:01:36.120 --> 0:01:39.920 They do, but reading it, I was like shocked by 0:01:39.920 --> 0:01:45.000 some of the statistics and not shocked, but you know, like, oh, 0:01:45.040 --> 0:01:47.400 I can relate to some things that they're saying in it. 0:01:47.680 --> 0:01:50.040 And before we get into our personal stories, I think 0:01:50.080 --> 0:01:54.080 we talk about what, yeah, what people are saying out 0:01:54.080 --> 0:01:55.560 there in the world when they're writing about this. 0:01:56.280 --> 0:01:59.320 Well, I mean, I think that the one that kind 0:01:59.320 --> 0:02:01.720 of took up both of our breath away was that 0:02:02.200 --> 0:02:05.120 according to a Forbes article, the research shows that up 0:02:05.200 --> 0:02:08.800 to seventy percent of close friendships and fifty two percent 0:02:08.919 --> 0:02:15.600 of our social networks, so multiple friends dissolve after seven years. 0:02:16.360 --> 0:02:19.359 That was really shocking to me. We hear about the 0:02:19.440 --> 0:02:20.799 seven year itch right with. 0:02:21.320 --> 0:02:22.840 Relationship or partnership? 0:02:22.919 --> 0:02:27.040 Yeah, seven years to me for a friendship. By the way, 0:02:27.040 --> 0:02:30.640 we're going on basically double high five to us, because 0:02:30.680 --> 0:02:33.120 like I mean, before Jess and I had this conversation 0:02:33.240 --> 0:02:35.600 before she got on, and I was like, I need 0:02:35.639 --> 0:02:38.160 you to understand, like you're never losing me. Like even 0:02:38.160 --> 0:02:41.320 if you do a Capshaw ghosting, it's like I'll be 0:02:41.360 --> 0:02:42.639 there like a stalker. 0:02:42.240 --> 0:02:44.920 Like you're gonna have to it's not a ghost this 0:02:45.000 --> 0:02:47.960 is a moonwalk. It's an elegant but it's not gonna 0:02:47.960 --> 0:02:50.240 work on me. No, I'm not shaking you. 0:02:50.520 --> 0:02:52.919 I won't take any hint. And it's like you are 0:02:53.000 --> 0:02:53.959 stuck with me for life. 0:02:54.000 --> 0:02:55.680 I'm a lifer. Yeah, I love it, I'll take it 0:02:55.720 --> 0:02:58.560 for life. But seven years. I think there's a reason 0:02:58.600 --> 0:03:05.840 for that. Why because I think seven years is usually 0:03:05.880 --> 0:03:08.200 how long it takes you to do that. Like the 0:03:08.240 --> 0:03:12.320 next you get to that next plateau, right, like you're 0:03:12.360 --> 0:03:14.400 in school and you're all doing the same thing, and 0:03:14.520 --> 0:03:17.160 you're you're in high school, even though it's not seven years, 0:03:17.160 --> 0:03:19.239 but it's you know, let's say middle school to high school, 0:03:19.360 --> 0:03:22.840 maybe college, and then get jobs afterwards, and it's like 0:03:22.919 --> 0:03:26.920 that's another probably seven years, and then you meet your 0:03:26.960 --> 0:03:33.040 person and you go through that next shift and then 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:36.080 you're thinking about starting a family and you have a 0:03:36.080 --> 0:03:40.520 whole other set of you know, needs, places you're going, people, 0:03:40.560 --> 0:03:44.480 you're seeing ways you want to socialize. I mean, I 0:03:44.800 --> 0:03:48.280 think it probably shifts every seven years. So you're talking 0:03:48.360 --> 0:03:53.280 about the timing of friendships sort of dissolving times out 0:03:53.280 --> 0:03:55.760 with these big sort of life jumps that you end 0:03:55.840 --> 0:03:58.600 up doing. I would that's what that would be my guess. 0:03:59.200 --> 0:04:03.640 I think what's hard is that you expect friendships to 0:04:03.760 --> 0:04:07.160 grow with you and do the jumps with you, and 0:04:07.240 --> 0:04:11.160 finding out that they don't is really shocking. There's no 0:04:11.320 --> 0:04:13.800 friendship like especially when they feel like a sister's you know, 0:04:13.920 --> 0:04:18.280 like really deep. There's no ticking time clock on it, 0:04:18.360 --> 0:04:20.760 like potentially a romantic relationship. 0:04:21.040 --> 0:04:24.440 Plus in order for you to be in real relationship 0:04:24.520 --> 0:04:26.400 like the kind of friendships that we're talking about and 0:04:26.440 --> 0:04:30.039 that we see in movies and film and books, it 0:04:30.200 --> 0:04:34.680 is total surrender, right like you really truly just like 0:04:34.720 --> 0:04:37.720 in romance, and in a romantic relationship, you give your 0:04:37.800 --> 0:04:41.479 whole heart, You share your deepest, darkest secrets. They know 0:04:41.640 --> 0:04:44.200 you in a way that maybe no one else does, 0:04:44.920 --> 0:04:48.760 and there's such a vulnerability to that and such a 0:04:48.960 --> 0:04:51.039 and because of that vulnerability, you think, well, it can 0:04:51.480 --> 0:04:54.159 actually literally can never end because there couldn't possibly be 0:04:54.200 --> 0:04:56.320 someone who knows all of this about me walking around 0:04:56.360 --> 0:04:59.560 in the world that doesn't still feel tethered to me, Right, 0:05:00.279 --> 0:05:02.640 if we're no longer friends, if we no longer have 0:05:02.920 --> 0:05:05.560 that accountability and the circumstances in which we're showing up 0:05:05.600 --> 0:05:07.800 for each other, and they know all this about me, 0:05:07.960 --> 0:05:11.760 like not like not like not like holding it over 0:05:11.760 --> 0:05:14.800 your head, not like I'm I'm not suggesting that that 0:05:14.960 --> 0:05:17.360 person is, you know, somehow leveraging anything against you. I 0:05:17.400 --> 0:05:19.640 think it's just the intimacy of it. And then you 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:21.400 don't have it anymore. 0:05:21.640 --> 0:05:25.480 Yes, Like you are being so vulnerable with that, with 0:05:25.640 --> 0:05:28.240 that kind of friend, and you are sort of like 0:05:28.400 --> 0:05:31.000 handing them your secrets and then but you assume that 0:05:31.160 --> 0:05:33.400 like they're going to hold them with you forever, and 0:05:33.400 --> 0:05:35.640 then they're not in your world anymore, and they're walking 0:05:35.640 --> 0:05:36.680 out in the world with like. 0:05:36.680 --> 0:05:38.120 A piece of you, is what it feels like. 0:05:38.320 --> 0:05:42.400 That's exactly right. The trust is so huge. Yes. 0:05:43.120 --> 0:05:48.440 So I was also reading Wondermind, which is Selena Gumus's amazing, 0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:54.240 incredible website. Wonderminded a whole article on this, and one 0:05:54.279 --> 0:05:55.880 of the things I talked about that I thought was 0:05:56.200 --> 0:05:59.240 very interesting is and I'm going to quote it. Our 0:05:59.320 --> 0:06:02.919 culture doesn't have the same rituals or milestones at the 0:06:03.040 --> 0:06:06.080 end of a friendship like we do with significant others, 0:06:06.800 --> 0:06:10.080 like moving out with divorces, and so because of that, 0:06:12.040 --> 0:06:16.560 we find it harder to have that disconnect, like we 0:06:16.760 --> 0:06:19.040 basically like, we find it harder to move on because 0:06:19.040 --> 0:06:20.760 there's usually like you know, a breakup is like you 0:06:20.839 --> 0:06:25.039 move open, like yeah, yeah, yes, and so that leads 0:06:25.160 --> 0:06:29.240 to a longer period of grief. Basically, have you ever 0:06:29.279 --> 0:06:30.640 had any friendship breakups? 0:06:30.640 --> 0:06:34.080 I mean obviously you have, but yes, I'll talk about 0:06:34.080 --> 0:06:37.720 one or a handful, more than a handful, to be. 0:06:37.600 --> 0:06:40.360 Honest, There's only one that really really sticks out because 0:06:40.400 --> 0:06:42.640 I feel like the others sort of felt like a 0:06:42.680 --> 0:06:45.880 seven year and then the other friendships that I've had 0:06:46.160 --> 0:06:49.280 have lasted, right, I've been very lucky, Like my best 0:06:49.320 --> 0:06:52.719 friend since high school, I literally text her yesterday. My 0:06:52.800 --> 0:06:55.359 other best friends since high school, like we're still in contact. 0:06:55.800 --> 0:06:59.560 But one friendship I had in my twenties was a 0:07:00.320 --> 0:07:02.839 was a little over a seven year but but felt 0:07:02.880 --> 0:07:05.880 like that like felt like I handed all my secrets 0:07:05.960 --> 0:07:07.920 that was going to be my ride or die, right, 0:07:08.040 --> 0:07:10.000 Like that's the girl that I'm going to, you know, 0:07:10.120 --> 0:07:14.239 see through all the freight sphases of my life and really, 0:07:14.240 --> 0:07:14.720 you know, we. 0:07:14.640 --> 0:07:16.160 Lived together, we worked together. 0:07:16.840 --> 0:07:20.720 And the truth is basically she ended up dating a 0:07:20.760 --> 0:07:24.960 guy that you know about a year into their relationship 0:07:25.000 --> 0:07:29.120 did something that was you know, a little shady and 0:07:29.320 --> 0:07:31.400 or a lot shady, depending on who you talk to, 0:07:31.640 --> 0:07:35.280 And it wasn't at all. Yes, he did something that 0:07:35.400 --> 0:07:37.480 was not good, really not good. And did she tell 0:07:37.520 --> 0:07:39.240 you about it or did you find out about it? 0:07:39.600 --> 0:07:42.360 I found out about it. I was able to find 0:07:42.400 --> 0:07:45.040 out about it through do you know or were you 0:07:45.120 --> 0:07:48.400 the one that knew? A mutual friend of ours, part 0:07:48.400 --> 0:07:50.960 of our little girl group, found out about it and 0:07:51.240 --> 0:07:52.840 we had to sort of go to her and tell 0:07:52.840 --> 0:07:54.480 her that, hey, this thing happened. 0:07:54.920 --> 0:07:56.320 Oh that's actually that's worse. 0:07:56.600 --> 0:07:59.120 Yeah and so and by the way, like he was 0:07:59.120 --> 0:08:01.400 just not my vibe anyway I would describe him. 0:08:01.440 --> 0:08:03.200 I've described him before as. 0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:05.320 He's a little he was a little Biffy from Back 0:08:05.360 --> 0:08:09.600 to the Future. If you don't know Biff, yeah, you 0:08:09.680 --> 0:08:10.920 gotta research or people. 0:08:11.120 --> 0:08:13.440 I thought that there was only one Biff. There is. 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:17.840 No Some people give off a little bit of a 0:08:17.920 --> 0:08:20.400 biff vibe, and he was a little biffy. 0:08:20.880 --> 0:08:22.960 I don't want to judge, but what person goes walks 0:08:23.000 --> 0:08:24.960 towards a biff You only walk away? 0:08:25.200 --> 0:08:27.920 Well, listen to moonwalk. 0:08:27.960 --> 0:08:31.720 You can flat out run listen, listen. Okay, Okay, I 0:08:31.920 --> 0:08:33.200 like in the biff vibe. I don't know. 0:08:33.600 --> 0:08:35.680 He was not my style. He was not he was 0:08:35.720 --> 0:08:38.640 not my He didn't give me good vibes. And especially 0:08:38.720 --> 0:08:41.000 after something happens. I think as a girl, you know, 0:08:41.080 --> 0:08:43.240 like if you're romantically voters on and you can like 0:08:43.360 --> 0:08:45.760 move on. But the girl, I'm the kind of a 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:48.720 girlfriend that like, I sit back and I'm just I'm 0:08:48.760 --> 0:08:51.320 not gonna lean all the way in. I'm gonna make 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:54.720 sure wait to make sure that you're like gonna have 0:08:54.800 --> 0:08:57.400 my girl right Like, I'm not giving it all to you. 0:08:57.440 --> 0:08:59.800 It's gonna take me really long time. I'm sagittarius. It's 0:08:59.800 --> 0:09:03.080 gonna take me a long time. Yeah, you need a minute, 0:09:03.200 --> 0:09:04.120 Yeah more than a minute. 0:09:04.200 --> 0:09:06.440 By the way, this is a good segue too, really quickly. 0:09:06.559 --> 0:09:09.360 There was only one time in our friendship where we 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:12.680 were at work and something had gone down and and 0:09:12.800 --> 0:09:15.480 someone was kind of coming to have some words with 0:09:15.520 --> 0:09:18.440 me about something and I was kind of like that 0:09:18.640 --> 0:09:21.040 when you think you're in trouble and you get like anxious, 0:09:21.080 --> 0:09:22.640 and I was like, okay, no, no, I'm gonna take care 0:09:22.640 --> 0:09:23.680 of this, and I take care of this, and you 0:09:23.679 --> 0:09:25.520 were with me, and I kind of looked at you 0:09:25.600 --> 0:09:27.560 like Okay, go away, cause I got I gotta handle this, 0:09:28.000 --> 0:09:29.920 and you were like, oh, let me add him, let 0:09:29.920 --> 0:09:30.320 me add him. 0:09:30.360 --> 0:09:33.520 Like no, I was like, I was, I know exactly 0:09:33.559 --> 0:09:36.080 what you're talking about. And my feet were fully planted. 0:09:36.120 --> 0:09:37.640 I'm like, if you're going to talk to her, like 0:09:37.960 --> 0:09:40.640 if this is going to go down, I'm also going 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:42.920 to be stood right here just to be you. 0:09:42.880 --> 0:09:45.400 Know, an HR witness to this basically. 0:09:45.640 --> 0:09:48.959 And then it's like cracking your knuckles, just waiting waiting. 0:09:49.000 --> 0:09:50.439 You were like I got. 0:09:50.200 --> 0:09:51.280 This, No I was. 0:09:51.400 --> 0:09:53.640 I was like, unless you give me the sign, which 0:09:53.640 --> 0:09:56.120 you did. It was very obvious, like I need you 0:09:56.160 --> 0:09:59.120 to scram I was not scramming. There's no scramming. Listen, 0:09:59.160 --> 0:10:02.800 I'm gonna stay right. So anyway, so this guy and 0:10:02.840 --> 0:10:06.040 to be honest, they're still together. They're you know, I know, 0:10:06.080 --> 0:10:09.880 they listen married, they are they're married, and they married to. 0:10:09.880 --> 0:10:13.280 Biff Listen, maybe this. Maybe the biff was a stage. 0:10:13.320 --> 0:10:15.600 Maybe he's you know, it's all turned around. It was 0:10:15.640 --> 0:10:17.000 giving me biff vibes back then. 0:10:17.120 --> 0:10:18.160 Okay, okay, okay, So. 0:10:18.320 --> 0:10:21.040 Me and her, this is not just me being crazy 0:10:21.160 --> 0:10:25.880 like your mutual friends of hers confide. But one night 0:10:26.040 --> 0:10:29.480 me and her guy, her boyfriend at the time, had 0:10:29.600 --> 0:10:33.320 gotten into an argument, a big argument, and it really 0:10:34.360 --> 0:10:37.600 killed it. It was just the friendship was sort of 0:10:37.720 --> 0:10:39.400 done because she had to pick. 0:10:39.720 --> 0:10:42.480 I mean, a better question would be, did it feel 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:44.719 like she had to pick after you guys got into 0:10:44.720 --> 0:10:44.959 the fight. 0:10:45.080 --> 0:10:47.319 I mean, I guess that's a question for her. 0:10:47.600 --> 0:10:51.079 I think what's hard from like the my end of 0:10:51.160 --> 0:10:52.719 the situation, I think this happens all the time. 0:10:52.760 --> 0:10:56.920 If you have if you're if your bestie is married or. 0:10:57.360 --> 0:11:00.880 With someone that you're like about, you kind of inherit 0:11:01.080 --> 0:11:03.920 the guy or the girl right like you inherit the person, 0:11:04.520 --> 0:11:09.040 and then it can it can be sticky. And so 0:11:09.200 --> 0:11:11.079 I don't know if she felt like she had to choose. 0:11:11.080 --> 0:11:11.760 Maybe she did. 0:11:11.840 --> 0:11:13.680 And it's and and by the way, it's kind of 0:11:13.679 --> 0:11:15.720 insulting when you're like, ah, this is like a two 0:11:15.920 --> 0:11:17.679 year or three year We've been best friends for like 0:11:17.720 --> 0:11:21.520 a decade, like what are you doing? But again I 0:11:21.559 --> 0:11:25.840 do think that, like romantic relationships often win out over 0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:28.680 a friendship, which is also like sometimes jarring. But it's 0:11:29.000 --> 0:11:32.560 my experience. I wouldn't have made her pick. The truth 0:11:32.640 --> 0:11:34.280 is it would have been hard for her because I 0:11:34.280 --> 0:11:36.520 didn't want to be around him. So it's like the 0:11:36.520 --> 0:11:38.439 fourth of July barbecue is like, did I really want 0:11:38.480 --> 0:11:39.400 this person in my house? 0:11:39.440 --> 0:11:39.560 No? 0:11:39.600 --> 0:11:41.079 I thought it was rude. I thought it was kind 0:11:41.080 --> 0:11:41.920 of a jerk, you know. 0:11:42.600 --> 0:11:46.000 Yeah, And you can't when you when you can't be 0:11:46.120 --> 0:11:51.200 honest with someone who you are intimate with and like again, 0:11:51.360 --> 0:11:54.400 has all your secrets, knows where all your bodies are? Yeah, 0:11:54.600 --> 0:11:59.640 where all the bodies are buried? You you really, I think, 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:07.199 and be friends in that same way, you know, I mean, 0:12:07.240 --> 0:12:09.160 like you and I can be very honest with each other. 0:12:09.120 --> 0:12:12.800 Like, yes, I'm gonna give an example. Oh no, this 0:12:12.880 --> 0:12:15.960 is Is it me being honest or you being honest? No, 0:12:16.000 --> 0:12:17.880 there's so many This is how honest? 0:12:18.000 --> 0:12:18.640 But I love that. 0:12:18.679 --> 0:12:20.079 I mean, this is one of the things I really 0:12:20.200 --> 0:12:23.439 treasure about us and hopefully you guys can hear it 0:12:23.520 --> 0:12:26.600 on this podcast. We like to be really, really honest 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:28.760 with each other is something that we both really appreciated 0:12:28.760 --> 0:12:31.800 about each other, and it comes from a place of like, 0:12:32.160 --> 0:12:35.199 I have your back, I love you. You're like you know everything. 0:12:35.800 --> 0:12:38.960 And after drink the ball, I was just doing a 0:12:38.960 --> 0:12:43.160 sleepover Jess's house and we woke up and I was 0:12:43.200 --> 0:12:44.920 just gazing at the window and I was like, God, 0:12:44.960 --> 0:12:47.120 it's so BEAUTI look at this beautiful morning, drinking my 0:12:47.559 --> 0:12:51.480 cup of coffee, honestly minding my own business. And Jess 0:12:51.600 --> 0:12:54.079 was like, can I tell you something. Your hair is 0:12:54.080 --> 0:12:57.760 a little green. I was just looking at the birds. 0:12:57.880 --> 0:13:01.800 I was like what, and you were like, your blonde 0:13:02.440 --> 0:13:04.120 has a shade of garbage in it. 0:13:04.200 --> 0:13:05.120 I mean you didn't say. 0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:08.439 That, but that's that's some of the vibe, right, And 0:13:08.480 --> 0:13:11.640 I was like, cool, what do I do? And You're like, wow, 0:13:11.720 --> 0:13:14.880 I got this charcoal shampoo thing that I use and 0:13:14.960 --> 0:13:17.320 we got to figure that out. And I so appreciate 0:13:17.320 --> 0:13:19.160 it because some people would have looked at my garbage 0:13:19.280 --> 0:13:20.400 hair and not. 0:13:20.400 --> 0:13:23.800 Said anything, yeah a little Oscar, little Oscar the grouch hair, 0:13:23.840 --> 0:13:24.960 and not said anything. 0:13:25.000 --> 0:13:26.840 And I would have just been sitting there like a moron, 0:13:26.920 --> 0:13:29.120 drinking my coffee, being like the birds that sound cute, 0:13:29.200 --> 0:13:29.680 but I. 0:13:29.600 --> 0:13:35.480 Appreciate I appreciate that kind of honesty. I didn't point 0:13:35.520 --> 0:13:39.319 it out without having a solution. I mean that's also something, right. 0:13:39.320 --> 0:13:41.000 I mean, I still want you to point it out 0:13:41.040 --> 0:13:43.120 and just be like, we'll do some googling. But like, 0:13:44.960 --> 0:13:47.679 but you know what, not every friendship is like that. 0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:50.600 Can you could you have told other friends of yours 0:13:50.640 --> 0:13:54.040 that their hair looks like green? You gotta figure it out? 0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:58.320 No? No, not many, not many, not many? But you 0:13:58.360 --> 0:14:01.200 know what, that actually okay because so here's another thing 0:14:01.240 --> 0:14:02.880 that I was really thinking about when we were thinking 0:14:02.880 --> 0:14:06.520 about friendships. It's funny how we all socialize. But when 0:14:06.600 --> 0:14:10.640 we're in school, like elementary school and middle school, even college, 0:14:10.800 --> 0:14:13.319 we become it seems like we have a natural drift 0:14:13.320 --> 0:14:18.600 towards friend groups. Right, Like there's multiple friends hanging out, 0:14:19.880 --> 0:14:24.120 and that can be great because there's options, right, people 0:14:24.640 --> 0:14:27.000 get to like go off in twos or threes and 0:14:27.360 --> 0:14:31.720 you have a bigger group. But for me, I actually 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:36.400 far prefer being a floater. I don't I'm not really 0:14:36.440 --> 0:14:39.440 like a friendship group person. I have, Like I have 0:14:39.560 --> 0:14:42.040 people who are you know, have been in my life 0:14:42.040 --> 0:14:45.200 for a really long time. And that I just value 0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:48.160 above all, and when they say something or when they're 0:14:48.240 --> 0:14:53.040 honest with me about something, I know that I can 0:14:53.240 --> 0:14:57.040 absolutely count on that advice or that perspective or that 0:14:57.200 --> 0:15:01.600 offering in a way that very very I think, just 0:15:01.680 --> 0:15:04.600 grounded and unique. And I think it's because I don't 0:15:05.680 --> 0:15:08.720 I'm not part of a group. There's no triangulating, don't. 0:15:08.720 --> 0:15:11.320 I think the friendship groups can be a little difficult 0:15:11.320 --> 0:15:15.000 because there's who's going off with who and who said 0:15:15.000 --> 0:15:17.200 what about who? And I think it can be a 0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:20.040 little bit more complicated. So I find that, you know, 0:15:20.120 --> 0:15:23.840 obviously we met in a bigger system of work, but 0:15:23.880 --> 0:15:26.200 then we really just we have our friendship and it's 0:15:26.240 --> 0:15:29.200 so specific to the chemistry that happens between you and I, 0:15:29.600 --> 0:15:32.640 and so when we're together, like we know what that's 0:15:32.640 --> 0:15:34.120 going to be. Yeah. 0:15:34.160 --> 0:15:35.920 I also, I mean I have to say, yes, we 0:15:35.920 --> 0:15:40.000 were part we were part of a bigger, you know, group, 0:15:40.600 --> 0:15:43.160 but it's also still work. It wasn't like a you know, 0:15:43.320 --> 0:15:46.240 I wouldn't consider that like a big friend group. There's 0:15:46.440 --> 0:15:49.600 an element of family dynamic there. But the two of 0:15:49.680 --> 0:15:52.800 us were for sure, you know, it was like that 0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:56.240 was my close clothes you were my close clothes. But 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:58.320 I agree with you that I think it gets complicated, 0:15:58.360 --> 0:16:00.520 and it did for me in this situation I just 0:16:00.560 --> 0:16:04.360 talked about when you have that friendship group, right, because 0:16:04.360 --> 0:16:07.240 then you're being Then it becomes the dynamics of everybody 0:16:07.240 --> 0:16:10.960 else gets involved, right, everyone has an opinion. Everyone's sort 0:16:11.000 --> 0:16:13.880 of like, well, she did say this about you, and 0:16:13.880 --> 0:16:17.640 then you're like, wait, what are you? Yeah, hold your 0:16:17.840 --> 0:16:19.640 and then you can't say anything because you can't say 0:16:19.640 --> 0:16:21.280 anything because that's the friend that told you, and now 0:16:21.280 --> 0:16:21.960 you can't say that. 0:16:22.240 --> 0:16:24.400 Yeah. See, I don't like that. That's what I don't like. 0:16:24.600 --> 0:16:27.640 I don't like that. I think that that is bullshit 0:16:27.960 --> 0:16:29.920 and it's not fun for me, and I don't like it. 0:16:29.920 --> 0:16:32.840 And it's funny. I actually I don't think i've ever 0:16:32.880 --> 0:16:33.600 said this to you before. 0:16:34.400 --> 0:16:36.400 I get low key jealous. 0:16:36.120 --> 0:16:38.880 Like I'm with if I'm with like if I'm with you, 0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:41.560 not jealous in a destructive way, but like you and 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:43.040 I do a lot of stuff. Or we'll go out 0:16:43.040 --> 0:16:45.240 into the world and like we'll go to a conference 0:16:45.400 --> 0:16:48.240 or we'll go to a event or whatever whatever, and 0:16:48.280 --> 0:16:51.960 there'll be lots of people and I'm fine with that 0:16:52.040 --> 0:16:54.240 for a while, and then I'm like, okay, let needs 0:16:54.240 --> 0:16:54.560 to leave. 0:16:55.480 --> 0:16:56.400 I'm the same way. 0:16:56.640 --> 0:16:58.840 My social battery gets drained to zero, and I'm like, 0:16:58.920 --> 0:17:00.920 totally I need everyone else to leave. 0:17:02.240 --> 0:17:04.760 Okay, but I'm okay. This is why we're actually a 0:17:04.840 --> 0:17:07.600 terrible combination because there's a time. There was a time 0:17:07.640 --> 0:17:09.440 when Jess and I were supposed to go do something 0:17:09.440 --> 0:17:11.760 together and it was like a business situation, right, and 0:17:11.800 --> 0:17:14.679 we're sitting in this hotel room. I'm not gonna say 0:17:14.720 --> 0:17:16.920 where because it'll out that like the situation. 0:17:17.119 --> 0:17:20.720 And I was like, maybe we don't go. Maybe it's 0:17:20.720 --> 0:17:22.480 just we stay here and we go to dinner, and 0:17:22.520 --> 0:17:24.520 that's sort of the business situation we do. 0:17:24.800 --> 0:17:27.879 So yes, I my social body is not even I 0:17:27.920 --> 0:17:28.920 don't know if it's ever on. 0:17:29.119 --> 0:17:32.600 So when your dies, I'm like, yes, it's dead. Thank god, 0:17:33.200 --> 0:17:34.000 we're gone home. 0:17:34.200 --> 0:17:36.160 Yes, but those are But that's the That's the thing 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:39.800 I think is so important about successful friendships, which would 0:17:39.800 --> 0:17:41.200 be the opposite of having to break up with someone. 0:17:41.240 --> 0:17:45.679 It's like you have little contracts, little agreements that you 0:17:45.720 --> 0:17:47.639 make with each other in friendship where you're like, okay, 0:17:47.720 --> 0:17:50.439 I can handle being out at this thing for I 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:52.359 think I'm good for you know, a couple hours, and 0:17:52.359 --> 0:17:54.720 then I'm gonna look at you with like large eyeballs 0:17:55.240 --> 0:17:56.919 and be like I gotta go. 0:17:57.640 --> 0:17:59.840 Yeah, well that's when I also, that's what I do 0:17:59.880 --> 0:18:03.600 appreciate about someone like you in my life is that 0:18:03.600 --> 0:18:04.680 it's not even eyeballs. 0:18:04.680 --> 0:18:06.280 It's like we will just turn to each other like 0:18:06.320 --> 0:18:07.520 I'm done, Yeah, let's go. 0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:08.040 Do you know what I mean? 0:18:08.080 --> 0:18:11.040 There's no woods like I'm over it. There's another article 0:18:11.080 --> 0:18:13.280 too that I want to talk about. It says friendship 0:18:13.280 --> 0:18:16.600 breakups are incredibly common and normal and inevitable, but we 0:18:16.720 --> 0:18:19.760 often personalize it and see it as a failure because 0:18:19.760 --> 0:18:24.800 it is so unexpected and because it's so uncommonly spoken about. 0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:26.800 And I think that's true. 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:28.040 I think it. 0:18:28.000 --> 0:18:32.800 Does feel like extremely shocking when a friendship ends and 0:18:32.880 --> 0:18:37.240 then it's your I think there's like a sense of 0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:40.000 self that you're like, wait, what, like that person was 0:18:40.080 --> 0:18:40.639 part of me? 0:18:41.880 --> 0:18:42.440 Yeah? 0:18:42.560 --> 0:18:43.919 Do you know what I mean? Like it's it's an 0:18:43.960 --> 0:18:46.000 identity crisis almost, I was gonna say. 0:18:45.880 --> 0:18:48.760 Because it also feels like a reflection on you, because 0:18:49.160 --> 0:18:52.840 if the relationship isn't successful, then it might be in 0:18:52.880 --> 0:18:53.800 part to you as well. 0:19:07.280 --> 0:19:10.440 Have you had that seven year that's like you think 0:19:10.440 --> 0:19:11.840 it's a ride or die and that it's ended. 0:19:12.480 --> 0:19:14.920 Yeah, yeah, was it shocking to. 0:19:14.920 --> 0:19:15.639 You or did you? 0:19:15.920 --> 0:19:17.600 Were you okay to like let it go? 0:19:18.320 --> 0:19:20.640 It took me time to like be okay with it, 0:19:20.960 --> 0:19:23.520 and now I appreciate like what it was at the time, 0:19:24.359 --> 0:19:26.080