WEBVTT - Shady Highlight: Is Couples Therapy The Answer?

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<v Speaker 1>Merja Paul is the owner and clinical director of Soul

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<v Speaker 1>Counseling and Consulting. She chose the name Soul because the

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<v Speaker 1>sun is a daily reminder that we two can rise

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<v Speaker 1>again from the darkness, that we two can shine our

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<v Speaker 1>own light. I love that. And before I let Mirrorge

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<v Speaker 1>to talk, I have to say something. Mirrorge is the

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<v Speaker 1>sister of Carly, who is our director of operations. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>so you all have heard us talk about Carly. Carly

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<v Speaker 1>is the one that kind of like handles our logistics.

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<v Speaker 1>She's helping us set up she forgot to bring the

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<v Speaker 1>third microphone. Okay, I'm Joe car and Carly is also

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<v Speaker 1>like my very good friend, like you've seen Carly on

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<v Speaker 1>the show, helping me out with a lot of my

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<v Speaker 1>different ventures. But I just want to say this. I

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<v Speaker 1>found it very comical. So I'm looking at our emails

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<v Speaker 1>on the reason A Reasonably Shady Emails and I see

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<v Speaker 1>this email from our director of operations, Carly to her

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<v Speaker 1>sister Merga that says, hello, miss Paul, we are I

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<v Speaker 1>am writing to confirm your appearance on the Reasonably Shady

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<v Speaker 1>podcast at dot. If you have any questions, please forward

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<v Speaker 1>them to to me whatever, blah blah blah, sincerely Carly,

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<v Speaker 1>the director of operations. And I was like, what, I'm like,

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<v Speaker 1>this girl is literally talking, literally talking to her sister

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<v Speaker 1>in a business manner. She takes her director of operations

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<v Speaker 1>job very seriously. Okay. I was dying like, Okay, if

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<v Speaker 1>that was me and I was talking about sins, I'd

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<v Speaker 1>be like, hey, girl, we're gonna see you on Friday

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<v Speaker 1>at four o'clock. Alright, peace? Like what, Yes, you gotta

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<v Speaker 1>keep it professional at all times, But were you like sister? No,

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<v Speaker 1>I found it very professional, and I was I was

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<v Speaker 1>very proud of her, like I'm a professional woman. Don't

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<v Speaker 1>talk to me like I'm some regular chick off the

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<v Speaker 1>street business. Okay, okay, now what about like couples? I'm

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<v Speaker 1>so glad. Okay, can I call you answer that question.

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<v Speaker 1>Let me just say this, Yes, I've been in some

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<v Speaker 1>major couples therapy, y'all. Don't just say to tell you

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<v Speaker 1>years and years of couples therapy. Me and that Jamal Bryant,

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<v Speaker 1>now listen, it always helped us. Yes, you know he

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<v Speaker 1>is a is a I think he's trained per his

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<v Speaker 1>profession to counsel, right, So I always felt like we

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<v Speaker 1>can't just have a regular conversation if we haven't a problem,

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<v Speaker 1>because you know all the tricks, so we need to

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<v Speaker 1>go to somebody else. And and I was always just

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<v Speaker 1>very happy because you know, he's a black man. He

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<v Speaker 1>was open to it, but it always did push us

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<v Speaker 1>to like another level. So I'm an advocate of couples therapy.

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<v Speaker 1>I just want to say that, and I'll just share

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<v Speaker 1>my experience whow why and I were married, or even

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<v Speaker 1>before we got married, he was like the typical black

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<v Speaker 1>man that was like, I don't need anyone to tell

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<v Speaker 1>me how to feel or what to think or what

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<v Speaker 1>to do. So I think you know a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>times in a couple of therapy there's a resistance from

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<v Speaker 1>one partner that just thinks like this cannot help this.

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<v Speaker 1>They're like, I don't like, what can they tell me

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<v Speaker 1>that I don't already know. I'm glad you said that,

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<v Speaker 1>because no one's telling you how to feel. I feel

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<v Speaker 1>how you feel. I'm not telling you how to feel.

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<v Speaker 1>I might be exploring with you what's behind that feeling?

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<v Speaker 1>Where did that come from? Given just basic communication, right,

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<v Speaker 1>you think you're speaking the same language, and it's just

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<v Speaker 1>like that's not what she said. Did you hear what

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<v Speaker 1>she said? Oh, that's not what he said. So a

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<v Speaker 1>couple of therapy, it's just like, can you guys please

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<v Speaker 1>start coming before you're about to? Okay, So I'm just

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<v Speaker 1>a little no. I totally agree with that. And I

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<v Speaker 1>feel like, if you're gonna get married, you should go

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<v Speaker 1>before you get married. Absolutely, because the whole time y'all

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<v Speaker 1>been dating, y'all have been talking the same language. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>y'all don't know what you're talking about, y'all. It's always

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<v Speaker 1>good to get like a third party or like a

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<v Speaker 1>bird's eye view on the relationship. And I feel like,

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<v Speaker 1>if you don't do that work in the beginning, you

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<v Speaker 1>damn sure you're gonna have to do it in the

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<v Speaker 1>end or it's just gonna be over. I think you're

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<v Speaker 1>forced to talk about certain topics. Right. You could be

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<v Speaker 1>dating somebody for four years. I know him, I know

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<v Speaker 1>him and met his mama, We went on vacation together,

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<v Speaker 1>I know how he travels. We talk about everything, and

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<v Speaker 1>it's just like, but there's that one thing that you're

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<v Speaker 1>not really comfortable saying because it might rock the boat

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<v Speaker 1>or whatever the case. Maybe you come to therapy, and

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<v Speaker 1>it's kind of like the therapist might just bring it

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<v Speaker 1>up and you're like, oh, I guess we've gotta talk

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<v Speaker 1>about it. Right. So I'm definitely an advocate for premarital um.

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<v Speaker 1>But yeah, I feel like same thing when we're talking

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<v Speaker 1>about you know, when should people go to therapy, it's like,

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<v Speaker 1>please don't come when you're at your wits end and

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<v Speaker 1>your bag is packed and you have one ft out

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<v Speaker 1>the door. You're like, you know what the last before

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<v Speaker 1>I can just check off this box to say I

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<v Speaker 1>tried everything. Fine, let's go to the therapist when they go.

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<v Speaker 1>So when do they go? You should again, you should

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<v Speaker 1>go before you get married, because I am a therapist.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm like, just go, just go when you don't even

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<v Speaker 1>have a problem, just go to check in and will

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<v Speaker 1>be good. We're still good, everything good, You still like me,

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<v Speaker 1>I still like you great? And then you move on right,

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<v Speaker 1>Not saying it has to be weakly, but if you're

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<v Speaker 1>feeling like, you know, when you can tell something's off right,

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<v Speaker 1>you're you're not connecting as much. Maybe the intimacy has

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<v Speaker 1>been affected. You know, there's a lot of change that

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<v Speaker 1>has happened. Like you know, when you feel a little

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<v Speaker 1>bit off right. Same thing like with your health, you're like,

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<v Speaker 1>you know what, something just not right. So that's when

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<v Speaker 1>you I would call my doctor and see, like what's

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<v Speaker 1>going on, Like I feel like, for example, I just

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<v Speaker 1>went to nutrition. This myself is not right. My blood

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<v Speaker 1>sure goes up and goes down. I have a headache.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't like feeling like this anymore. I don't like

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<v Speaker 1>having a headache every day. I don't know what it is,

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<v Speaker 1>but maybe you can tell me what's going on. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>not gonna wait till I'm like I can't get out

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<v Speaker 1>the bed. I'm crawling to the car, but I gotta

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<v Speaker 1>take myself to the doctor. It's like no, like you

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<v Speaker 1>start feeling like something not right, but we need a

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<v Speaker 1>little check in. We need to maybe sure this is

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<v Speaker 1>still good so he can keep going and things don't

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<v Speaker 1>just fester right, Like how many couples do you know

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<v Speaker 1>where it's just like, yeah, I've been dealing with this

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<v Speaker 1>for years and I just didn't know how to say it,

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<v Speaker 1>or I've said it and this person is not listening

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<v Speaker 1>to me. It's just like, Wow, I wonder if we

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<v Speaker 1>had sat down and talked about this five years ago.

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<v Speaker 1>Could all of this been right? And and clearly I'm

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<v Speaker 1>sure the main issue that you see is like the

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<v Speaker 1>root cause of problems between couples is communication, and so

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<v Speaker 1>the therapist or the balance coach helps facilitate that communication. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>so that's that's good. You know, I'll keep that in mind.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, Robin's going to therapy. But I'm just going

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<v Speaker 1>to tell y'all before they walk down the out for

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<v Speaker 1>the second time. No, this this is really good. So

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like so that we're gonna recap a little

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<v Speaker 1>bit this. This is what I've learned today. One, you

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<v Speaker 1>can go through your insurance get this thing paid. So

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<v Speaker 1>if you can go through your insurance, why wouldn't you

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<v Speaker 1>do it right? You know what I'm saying. Like, and

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<v Speaker 1>as you said, it is kind of a no brainer.

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<v Speaker 1>If you had a sore throat, your nose is running,

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<v Speaker 1>you're going to the doctor. So if you feel like

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<v Speaker 1>you you're waking up every morning and you're like in

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<v Speaker 1>a funk, don't nobody at work when to deal with

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<v Speaker 1>your funk. So get it together. And your friends don't

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<v Speaker 1>want to either. We love our friends, but you don't

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<v Speaker 1>want to be a burden to your friends either. Because

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<v Speaker 1>your friends are busy, you know, have their own stuff, right,

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<v Speaker 1>And a lot of people hesitate to even talk to

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<v Speaker 1>their friends or their love because they know she's busy.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want to bother her, so now, but okay,

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<v Speaker 1>so let's talk about then the process of finding a therapist.

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<v Speaker 1>And then I just want to Okay, yes, we it's

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<v Speaker 1>covered by insurance, but what about people who don't have

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<v Speaker 1>insurance too? Are there, like, you know, maybe some sort

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<v Speaker 1>of community resources that they can find absolute there's always

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<v Speaker 1>some sort of program in the community for people who

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<v Speaker 1>don't have insurance, or some sort of sliding scale fee.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, there are resources out there, right. So psychology today,

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<v Speaker 1>for example, has a directory of providers where you can

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<v Speaker 1>filter by what your insurance is, or filter by if

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<v Speaker 1>you don't have insurance, or gender, or you know, it's

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<v Speaker 1>okay to have certain preferences. Therapy for black girls, I

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<v Speaker 1>think is a good one if you're looking specifically for

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<v Speaker 1>a therapist of color. What is that They have an

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<v Speaker 1>i G page, They have a website. It's basically a

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<v Speaker 1>provider directory, so you can go on there to say

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<v Speaker 1>if you if you are a black girl, or if

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<v Speaker 1>you want to talk to a black girl. You can

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<v Speaker 1>go on there and locate someone. We hope you enjoyed

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<v Speaker 1>that reasonably Shady highlight. You can catch the full episode

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<v Speaker 1>on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever

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<v Speaker 1>you get your favorite shows and we want to hear

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<v Speaker 1>from you. Get in touch with us on social media

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<v Speaker 1>at reasonably Shady or send us an email at What's

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<v Speaker 1>Up at reasonably shady dot com. See you next time,