WEBVTT - Jennifer Esposito on not taking no for an answer 0:00:04.120 --> 0:00:06.120 What do you do when life doesn't go according to 0:00:06.200 --> 0:00:09.760 plan that moment you lose a job, or a loved one, 0:00:10.280 --> 0:00:14.080 or even a piece of yourself. I'm Brookshields and this 0:00:14.560 --> 0:00:18.759 is now What, a podcast about pivotal moments as told 0:00:18.760 --> 0:00:21.599 by people who lived them. Each week, I sit down 0:00:21.600 --> 0:00:23.840 with a guest to talk about the times they were 0:00:23.920 --> 0:00:26.920 knocked off course and what they did to move forward. 0:00:27.880 --> 0:00:33.080 Some stories are funny, others are gut wrenching, but all 0:00:33.360 --> 0:00:38.320 are unapologetically human and remind us that every success and 0:00:38.479 --> 0:00:42.800 every setback is accompanied by a choice, and that choice 0:00:43.000 --> 0:00:50.360 answers one question. Now, what I read somewhere that you 0:00:50.400 --> 0:00:53.960 and Melissa McCarthy used to like to make short movies 0:00:54.040 --> 0:00:56.960 when you were doing Samantha Who. Yes, It's amazing. 0:00:57.000 --> 0:01:00.760 Some of them most ridiculous. I mean listen around the 0:01:00.960 --> 0:01:04.440 block from her and Ben. I used to show up 0:01:04.440 --> 0:01:07.360 at her house with like, look, I just made Zephyelis 0:01:07.440 --> 0:01:10.880 and she'd be like, what is your problem? Go home. 0:01:11.200 --> 0:01:13.600 She'd be like, I'm trying to, like, you know, eat healthy. 0:01:13.640 --> 0:01:16.560 And I'd walk in with like, you know, donuts and 0:01:16.600 --> 0:01:19.840 they'd be like, listen, we have this idea. Let's go 0:01:20.200 --> 0:01:26.319 film this and we'd wind up somehow making a ridiculous 0:01:26.360 --> 0:01:33.320 short roller skating downtown LA like insane, ridiculous in anything 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:35.520 they said, I was like, Yep, I'll do it. Yep, 0:01:36.080 --> 0:01:39.720 I have no I have no fear in making a 0:01:39.800 --> 0:01:43.240 jackass out of myself. And it was the most fun 0:01:43.640 --> 0:01:46.520 and I loved it. I loved it. We had a black. 0:01:48.400 --> 0:01:53.200 My guest today left me feeling truly inspired. Jennifer Esposito. 0:01:53.800 --> 0:01:58.280 She's an actress, a filmmaker, a cookbook author, an advocate 0:01:58.440 --> 0:02:02.320 with a Celiac community, and much much more. We've known 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:04.840 each other for decades, actually, and I asked her to 0:02:04.920 --> 0:02:07.800 join the show after we bumped into each other recently 0:02:08.240 --> 0:02:12.560 and I learned more about her incredible new film, Fresh Kills. 0:02:13.160 --> 0:02:16.120 It took her ten years to make it, and she 0:02:16.200 --> 0:02:19.680 did it practically all on her own. I was blown 0:02:19.720 --> 0:02:22.000 away by her story and think that if she hasn't 0:02:22.040 --> 0:02:25.079 been on your radar lately, she should be. Here is 0:02:25.120 --> 0:02:34.519 the incredible Jennifer Esposito. Jennifer Esposito, thank you so much 0:02:34.600 --> 0:02:37.200 for waking up and spending time with me. 0:02:37.440 --> 0:02:39.560 Oh my god, I love it. 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:43.240 I have to say we've known each other forever. 0:02:43.560 --> 0:02:45.519 I know my goodness, well. 0:02:45.320 --> 0:02:48.919 Always crossing paths, but never sadly, never have gotten the 0:02:49.040 --> 0:02:52.040 chance to work together, which is still in our future, 0:02:52.080 --> 0:02:53.520 which makes me very excited. 0:02:53.560 --> 0:02:56.440 Are you kidding? Absolutely? And we've only just begun for 0:02:56.720 --> 0:02:58.280 We've only just think exactly. 0:02:58.760 --> 0:03:00.720 But the first thing I want to talk to you 0:03:00.800 --> 0:03:07.000 about is your incredible, incredible new film, Thank You, and 0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:11.120 the movie Fresh Kills takes place on Staten Island in 0:03:11.160 --> 0:03:12.280 the eighties. 0:03:12.160 --> 0:03:14.200 Yes, eighties and nineties, Yes. 0:03:14.160 --> 0:03:17.919 Eighties and nineties. You grew up in Staten Island and Brooklyn. 0:03:19.000 --> 0:03:23.840 How similar is the film to the world you grew 0:03:23.919 --> 0:03:24.160 up in? 0:03:24.480 --> 0:03:28.440 Oh my god. It's on the money. It's on the money, 0:03:28.480 --> 0:03:31.600 And it was one of the things that I was determined. 0:03:31.639 --> 0:03:34.800 When people were like, filming in Atlanta, you get a 0:03:34.880 --> 0:03:39.360 taxper I was like, listen, you don't understand, because that 0:03:39.560 --> 0:03:44.440 island is it's all beast. It's a very specific energy 0:03:44.520 --> 0:03:48.640 that I was after, and it was a very specific world. 0:03:49.360 --> 0:03:51.520 Talk a little bit about the premise of the film 0:03:51.760 --> 0:03:53.600 and the story. 0:03:53.520 --> 0:03:56.560 So it's it's it takes place in a mafia family. 0:03:56.600 --> 0:04:01.040 And as we know, we've seen this genre nauseum and 0:04:01.080 --> 0:04:03.840 they're still making these movies and it's de Niro and 0:04:03.880 --> 0:04:06.240 it's Scruseas, and it's all these guys we love, and 0:04:06.280 --> 0:04:09.800 it's this genre that we're fascinated by, but we've really 0:04:10.040 --> 0:04:15.080 never seen a correct, full portrayal of these females. I 0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:17.359 wanted to tell this story from when I was a kid, 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:22.800 to be honest, I grew up around seeing mafia families 0:04:22.839 --> 0:04:25.840 around me, and it was the young females that I 0:04:25.920 --> 0:04:29.719 was obsessed with. The violence I saw from them was 0:04:29.800 --> 0:04:35.120 pretty pretty extreme, and I didn't understand where that kind 0:04:35.160 --> 0:04:39.200 of rage came from. And as I left where I 0:04:39.240 --> 0:04:41.919 lived and went into this business and into the world, 0:04:42.040 --> 0:04:45.440 and I realized that rage I understood, and it wasn't 0:04:45.480 --> 0:04:47.680 because of being in a mafia. It was because of 0:04:47.720 --> 0:04:50.640 being pushed into a box. And so that's what the 0:04:50.680 --> 0:04:54.320 film is on the surface about. But to me, what 0:04:54.440 --> 0:04:57.000 it's really about is finding a voice in a world 0:04:57.080 --> 0:04:58.279 that tells you not to have one. 0:04:58.520 --> 0:05:01.159 I mean, it's so amazing because it's a it's so 0:05:01.240 --> 0:05:06.719 much more of a universal predicament, and yet, like you said, 0:05:06.960 --> 0:05:12.760 it's predominantly we've only seen sort of the the the 0:05:12.760 --> 0:05:14.480 glorification of it in a. 0:05:14.400 --> 0:05:17.600 Way exactly through the men exactly. 0:05:17.279 --> 0:05:20.160 And what's been painted as the women has been from 0:05:20.200 --> 0:05:26.560 the male perspective, which is tight knit, close family, children, 0:05:27.240 --> 0:05:32.520 And it's amazing that you've been able to show the 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:33.520 other side of that. 0:05:33.880 --> 0:05:37.480 Thank you. It's it's yeah, it's been. It's been a journey. 0:05:37.800 --> 0:05:40.680 It took many years of pitching it around and people 0:05:40.720 --> 0:05:44.400 saying no. And then I finally was like, so tired 0:05:44.440 --> 0:05:48.719 of hearing myself complain about the roles I was seeing 0:05:48.760 --> 0:05:51.240 and I'm not able to get there and why can't 0:05:51.320 --> 0:05:53.479 I can do so much more? And it was like, 0:05:53.560 --> 0:05:55.320 can you, Jennifer than do it? 0:05:55.640 --> 0:06:00.400 You wrote it, you directed it, you produced it, you 0:06:00.720 --> 0:06:06.040 financed it, which is huge and insane. 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:10.400 I will be buried with it. No. Yeah, well maybe yes, yes. 0:06:10.200 --> 0:06:13.400 But you also start in it. Yeah, and it took 0:06:13.440 --> 0:06:17.920 you ten years to make this film. Yeah, And it's 0:06:17.960 --> 0:06:22.640 always amazing to me how nobody really understands how much 0:06:22.760 --> 0:06:25.680 goes into it. Can you tell me a little bit 0:06:25.720 --> 0:06:29.520 about how it happened and what that experience was like 0:06:29.600 --> 0:06:29.960 for you? 0:06:30.120 --> 0:06:33.320 Oh my god, where's the wine? I need a lot 0:06:33.320 --> 0:06:34.640 of wine for this story. 0:06:34.800 --> 0:06:35.000 You know. 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:38.760 I woke up this morning and dealing with yet another 0:06:39.000 --> 0:06:43.480 hurdle for the film, and we just won three awards 0:06:43.520 --> 0:06:48.960 back to back, and it's still a struggle. This business 0:06:49.160 --> 0:06:53.680 is not kind to or equal to women. We know that. 0:06:54.160 --> 0:06:57.320 And then when you're a female that has been in 0:06:57.360 --> 0:06:59.919 the business for so long and people think they know you, 0:07:00.600 --> 0:07:03.679 it's difficult to get anything made. And then you put 0:07:03.800 --> 0:07:06.080 that on top of it, and it's like no one 0:07:06.160 --> 0:07:10.080 really wanted to read it, no one really cared to help. 0:07:10.200 --> 0:07:12.760 I didn't even I didn't even have an agent at 0:07:12.760 --> 0:07:16.120 the time, Like, no one wanted to represent me. It 0:07:16.160 --> 0:07:17.800 was like, she's done just as well. 0:07:17.880 --> 0:07:21.760 Then you don't have to give any percentage. Then, exactly 0:07:22.040 --> 0:07:23.800 did you always want to make films? 0:07:24.120 --> 0:07:26.720 You know? I when I was a kid, I was 0:07:27.000 --> 0:07:29.280 plopped in front of a TV like probably most of 0:07:29.320 --> 0:07:32.480 us were, and I used to watch West Side Story 0:07:32.600 --> 0:07:35.920 and like, you know, all of the Grease over and 0:07:36.040 --> 0:07:38.800 over and over and over, and I said, that's what 0:07:38.880 --> 0:07:41.640 I want to do. And when I got out of 0:07:41.720 --> 0:07:44.080 high school, I really wanted to go study film at 0:07:44.160 --> 0:07:47.560 NYU and couldn't afford it. But I didn't see any 0:07:47.640 --> 0:07:49.960 role models. You know, we didn't see any role models 0:07:49.960 --> 0:07:53.520 of Oh, females are making films. It just It didn't 0:07:53.560 --> 0:07:56.280 even dawn on me, but I knew that is what 0:07:56.320 --> 0:07:58.400 I wanted to do, and as I got into acting, 0:07:58.440 --> 0:08:02.000 I realized that wasn't the that I was talking about. 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:05.760 I don't think I ever felt completely fulfilled as an actor. 0:08:05.920 --> 0:08:09.760 So now that I understand and I feel like I 0:08:09.960 --> 0:08:14.000 found where where I feel satiated, that's all I want 0:08:14.040 --> 0:08:14.200 to do. 0:08:14.320 --> 0:08:16.960 Now, what is something that you brought to the set 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:20.040 as a director that you're particularly proud of. 0:08:20.440 --> 0:08:24.280 I have to say hearing Odessa Asion is one of 0:08:24.320 --> 0:08:26.880 the brilliant I'm not the star of the film. It's 0:08:26.920 --> 0:08:30.720 really about these two sisters. It's Odessa as On and 0:08:31.400 --> 0:08:35.600 a Zion, she says, and Emily Bater those are the two, 0:08:35.840 --> 0:08:41.680 and then Annabella Shiora and Dominic Lemberjosi fantastic actors. But 0:08:41.960 --> 0:08:44.440 Odessa said to me one day, she said, this is 0:08:44.480 --> 0:08:47.800 the most respect I've ever felt on a set, And 0:08:48.080 --> 0:08:52.720 you know, as an actress, that was huge because I 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:56.840 got it. And you know, people have talked about the 0:08:56.880 --> 0:09:00.320 performances a lot in this movie, Like the reviews we've 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:05.240 received are incredible and across the board. It has been 0:09:05.280 --> 0:09:07.960 about the acting. And it's not like I had a 0:09:08.000 --> 0:09:10.800 magic wand I just had deep respect for what they 0:09:10.800 --> 0:09:15.480 were doing. Their opinion was important, what they had to say, 0:09:15.559 --> 0:09:18.600 how they felt was important to me. I worked with 0:09:18.640 --> 0:09:22.560 them prior, I was able to see when they were struggling. 0:09:23.360 --> 0:09:26.280 It was just a different a different thing. I can't 0:09:26.320 --> 0:09:28.920 say I think I ever had that as an actress, 0:09:29.120 --> 0:09:32.120 and I've had some great directors, but it was a 0:09:32.160 --> 0:09:32.720 different thing. 0:09:32.920 --> 0:09:36.840 Well, what I mean, what is so fascinating about that 0:09:36.960 --> 0:09:39.880 is so I've only had two female directors that I've 0:09:39.920 --> 0:09:45.120 worked with in vastly different projects. And what was so 0:09:45.320 --> 0:09:47.720 interesting was by the time I got to work with 0:09:47.760 --> 0:09:53.760 female directors, I watched myself later when I realized saying 0:09:53.840 --> 0:09:57.440 to them, what do you want me to do? The 0:09:57.520 --> 0:10:01.559 men always had an answer for me, always that and answer, 0:10:01.640 --> 0:10:03.760 and I did it. I could morph into whatever they wanted. 0:10:03.920 --> 0:10:06.080 I did the job, we moved on and that was it, 0:10:07.360 --> 0:10:09.920 and everybody was happy. And it didn't really I never 0:10:10.040 --> 0:10:12.440 questioned it. By the time I got to work with 0:10:12.480 --> 0:10:16.360 female directors, it was always put right back to me, well, 0:10:16.400 --> 0:10:17.319 what do you think. 0:10:17.920 --> 0:10:25.000 Well, especially with your history of just being placed and 0:10:25.160 --> 0:10:27.800 all that you've done in your life and your career 0:10:28.280 --> 0:10:33.880 to finally have a voice in that is so wonderful. 0:10:34.200 --> 0:10:38.040 It's so wonderful. But I have to say, I don't 0:10:38.080 --> 0:10:43.360 think we just got here. We just got here, like 0:10:43.800 --> 0:10:48.319 this is new that we're actually allowed to even exist 0:10:48.960 --> 0:10:51.720 and we're still not but to even have a place 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:56.480 on set to say Hi, I have an opinion, you 0:10:56.520 --> 0:10:58.560 know what do you? What do you think about this? 0:10:58.760 --> 0:11:01.400 Or like anyone take you seriously? Because I've had the 0:11:01.440 --> 0:11:04.560 same thing where I asked the question and it was like, 0:11:05.320 --> 0:11:09.840 why is she asking a question that's not supposed Do 0:11:09.920 --> 0:11:13.360 you show up and you say your lines? And like 0:11:14.000 --> 0:11:17.240 I remember, it was like does she have a last name? 0:11:17.600 --> 0:11:20.760 Does my character have a home? And it was like 0:11:21.480 --> 0:11:25.280 who hired her? She's so annoying? Why is she asking 0:11:25.360 --> 0:11:30.280 these questions? So I think we just arrived here? I 0:11:30.400 --> 0:11:30.800 really do. 0:11:38.480 --> 0:11:41.600 In your book, you write about being bullied as a kid. 0:11:42.520 --> 0:11:46.520 There was a quote you were bullied by mafia girls. 0:11:46.960 --> 0:11:49.720 Did writing Fresh Kills change your opinion of them? 0:11:51.240 --> 0:11:56.079 Absolutely? And I don't think I had a particular view, 0:11:56.320 --> 0:12:02.120 but I think the anger and the rage that I 0:12:02.160 --> 0:12:06.320 saw was much more understandable to me. Like I said, 0:12:06.400 --> 0:12:11.600 I felt myself of being put into a category or 0:12:11.640 --> 0:12:18.200 a box, and I felt like I understood more of 0:12:18.800 --> 0:12:22.160 what that must feel like to, you know, be stuck 0:12:22.200 --> 0:12:24.679 in a slot that you didn't you know, you didn't 0:12:24.720 --> 0:12:25.280 ask for. 0:12:25.880 --> 0:12:27.640 Do you think they were jealous of you? Why do 0:12:27.640 --> 0:12:30.719 you think they had such rage also towards you? 0:12:31.400 --> 0:12:34.600 I think it was just rage. Rage is rage, And 0:12:34.640 --> 0:12:38.760 I think anyone that you know maybe had that freedom, 0:12:39.080 --> 0:12:43.559 or you know, teenage girls. I mean, there's there's there's 0:12:43.640 --> 0:12:46.760 so much to begin with, and then you put on 0:12:47.480 --> 0:12:50.560 all the other circumstances that they had. It was just 0:12:50.600 --> 0:12:57.559 a violent neighborhood and the girls especially were extremely aggressive, 0:12:57.800 --> 0:13:01.280 and you know, maybe knowing that they were never getting 0:13:01.440 --> 0:13:05.600 out of this community. You know, I was you know 0:13:05.679 --> 0:13:06.920 that there's a difference. 0:13:07.559 --> 0:13:10.200 There is a difference to that. Do you what what 0:13:10.240 --> 0:13:12.720 do you remember most about, Like what was your childhood 0:13:12.880 --> 0:13:16.160 like beyond those girls? Just in the way you grew up? 0:13:16.720 --> 0:13:23.120 It was interesting, It was interesting, it was I do remember, Yeah, 0:13:23.160 --> 0:13:27.240 it was interesting. It was I remember. You know, there's 0:13:27.280 --> 0:13:30.440 there's a there's a there's a speech at the end, well, 0:13:30.480 --> 0:13:32.440 a scene at the end towards the end of the 0:13:32.480 --> 0:13:37.079 movie that rose the lead girl says, and I was 0:13:37.120 --> 0:13:39.959 speaking to a big producer, a female that saw it 0:13:40.040 --> 0:13:42.400 just recently and wanted to speak to me, and we 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:44.920 talked in depth about it, and she said, you know, 0:13:45.080 --> 0:13:49.800 that last piece, I felt that piece was so personal. 0:13:49.880 --> 0:13:52.840 It's like it totally was. The whole thing is personal, 0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:56.040 but that last piece. And she says, is it normal 0:13:56.080 --> 0:13:59.080 that every day of my life I'm afraid and that 0:13:59.160 --> 0:14:01.440 I don't even feel it anymore? And she says, and 0:14:01.520 --> 0:14:03.559 I know I'm supposed to be grateful. I'm supposed to 0:14:03.559 --> 0:14:06.000 be grateful for every last piece of everything, but I'm not. 0:14:07.040 --> 0:14:10.199 I what if I want something else? And I thought 0:14:10.720 --> 0:14:15.680 that is absolutely straight from the heart and it you 0:14:15.720 --> 0:14:17.880 know I did. I grew up. I grew up afraid. 0:14:17.920 --> 0:14:19.840 I grew up afraid in my house. I grew up 0:14:20.000 --> 0:14:23.800 afraid outside my house, and I grew up wanting to run. 0:14:24.480 --> 0:14:27.480 They were, of course fun and good times, but I 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:32.240 definitely had an overwhelming feeling of the ground underneath me, 0:14:32.360 --> 0:14:34.360 never being completely still. 0:14:34.960 --> 0:14:38.040 You know, It's also something that really strikes me about 0:14:38.080 --> 0:14:41.400 you is the fact that you actually lived for so 0:14:41.680 --> 0:14:46.720 many years with chronic pain from Celiac disease and it 0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:48.920 was undiagnosed. When did that start? 0:14:49.000 --> 0:14:52.640 How old were you it's oh my god, earliest memories 0:14:52.880 --> 0:14:57.000 and growing up Italian Catholic, all that we're supposed to 0:14:57.040 --> 0:14:59.600 be pain. We're supposed to have pain. It was supposed 0:14:59.600 --> 0:15:02.240 to you know, life isn't easy, and this is what 0:15:02.280 --> 0:15:06.440 we deal with. And I just thought, from seeing what 0:15:06.480 --> 0:15:10.800 I saw growing up that my anxiety from the age 0:15:10.840 --> 0:15:16.120 of twelve was normal. I thought, you know, my first 0:15:16.160 --> 0:15:18.760 panic attack and my mother giving me half of a 0:15:18.880 --> 0:15:24.880 valium at fifteen was normal. I thought it was normal. 0:15:25.000 --> 0:15:28.520 I thought the stomach pain was normal. I thought, you know, 0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:32.000 the anxiety. The anxiety got so bad, and not a 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:34.880 lot of people know this. I had such severe panic 0:15:34.960 --> 0:15:39.240 disorder by the time I was twenty, I think twenty twenty. 0:15:39.280 --> 0:15:42.480 I moved out at eighteen, put myself through acting school, 0:15:42.520 --> 0:15:46.240 and then by twenty two I had to move back 0:15:46.320 --> 0:15:50.680 in with my parents because my panic attacks got so bad. 0:15:50.720 --> 0:15:56.160 I became a gloraphobic and I had to relearn how 0:15:56.200 --> 0:15:58.680 to really get out in the world. 0:15:58.920 --> 0:16:02.120 And that's when I started to do a deep dive 0:16:02.160 --> 0:16:04.880 because it was really bad. I started to do a 0:16:04.920 --> 0:16:10.600 deep dive about nutrition, and that's when I started to understand, like, huh, 0:16:11.080 --> 0:16:13.480 me drinking half a gallon of orange juice in the 0:16:13.480 --> 0:16:16.359 morning and having bagels and pasta. 0:16:16.720 --> 0:16:20.360 Maybe this isn't right for me. But I didn't find 0:16:20.440 --> 0:16:24.440 out until I was on the set with Melissa McCarthy 0:16:24.800 --> 0:16:27.920 on Samantha Who, and I had a tooth fall out 0:16:27.920 --> 0:16:31.440 of my mouth, like literally pop out of my mouth, 0:16:31.520 --> 0:16:34.720 and my skin was peeling off, my hair was falling 0:16:34.720 --> 0:16:37.600 out in clumbs. And she knew because we were very 0:16:37.640 --> 0:16:41.000 close during that time. And I remember looking at Melissa 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:44.080 and going, I don't know what to do anymore. And 0:16:44.120 --> 0:16:47.080 she was like, you're not well, and I said, I know. 0:16:47.760 --> 0:16:51.160 And I went to a doctor, female doctor, and I 0:16:51.360 --> 0:16:55.080 just sat there and sobbed, and she heard me and 0:16:55.120 --> 0:16:56.880 she said, Okay, I'm going to get to the bottom 0:16:56.920 --> 0:16:59.200 of this. And she tested me and she called me 0:16:59.240 --> 0:17:01.800 a week later and she said when she got the results, 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:04.760 she said, I've never seen a case this bad before. 0:17:04.800 --> 0:17:08.480 I don't know how you're alive. That started the journey 0:17:08.840 --> 0:17:12.600 to I have a real problem with injustice. It's a 0:17:12.720 --> 0:17:16.000 very hard world to live in. And to think of 0:17:16.160 --> 0:17:19.040 all the years that I was meant to believe that 0:17:19.160 --> 0:17:22.359 it was something about me that was wrong with my brain, 0:17:22.800 --> 0:17:26.280 or all these medications and all the gas lighting, medically 0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:30.760 going to every doctor, them telling me I was either hypochondriac, 0:17:31.040 --> 0:17:36.160 I was a girl, I was a dramatic, I was crazy. 0:17:36.760 --> 0:17:40.600 I had MS. They tell me everything, They had me 0:17:40.680 --> 0:17:44.720 on every medication, and I thought, I have to do something. 0:17:44.840 --> 0:17:47.080 Once I can get myself to a place where I 0:17:47.080 --> 0:17:50.200 can see straight, I have to do something. And that's 0:17:50.240 --> 0:17:57.960 how the books and the bakery came about. 0:18:01.320 --> 0:18:05.520 It's so interesting how the first knee jerk reaction is 0:18:05.600 --> 0:18:09.840 this is your fault and you're a crazy actress and 0:18:09.880 --> 0:18:14.320 you're a hysterical female exactly, and you'd brought this on 0:18:14.520 --> 0:18:18.960 and it's psychosomatic. Was there anything else that helped you 0:18:19.240 --> 0:18:22.840 missed this doctor? Did she follow through and help you 0:18:23.240 --> 0:18:24.240 along the way. 0:18:24.680 --> 0:18:27.119 She took me as far as she could. She was 0:18:27.160 --> 0:18:32.159 a general practitioner. I was with a male and I 0:18:32.200 --> 0:18:36.560 say male because he is a man. He was a 0:18:36.600 --> 0:18:41.000 gaster andonologist and this was his field. And when she 0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:44.840 called him with me on the phone, she point blank said, 0:18:45.480 --> 0:18:47.919 how did you never test her for this? He was 0:18:47.960 --> 0:18:51.159 treating me for parasites that he never found. I was 0:18:51.200 --> 0:18:55.520 in the hospital with c dipicile colitis from medication he 0:18:55.640 --> 0:18:59.000 gave me. I mean I was in quarantine like I was. 0:18:59.520 --> 0:19:03.360 He almost killed me, and she pointed the question. He said, 0:19:03.400 --> 0:19:06.600 I didn't think about it, to be honest, and I 0:19:06.640 --> 0:19:08.480 hate that I always have to go down this journey. 0:19:08.520 --> 0:19:10.639 I have to be honest. Someone asked me recently, it's like, 0:19:10.680 --> 0:19:13.240 do you have a mentor that mentor you in this movie? 0:19:13.280 --> 0:19:15.520 And it was like, no, I wish I did in 0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:18.919 any and in any area of my life. I wish 0:19:18.960 --> 0:19:21.800 I did, but there was nothing out there at the 0:19:21.880 --> 0:19:25.800 time when I was diagnosed and this severely that was 0:19:26.480 --> 0:19:29.159 going to help. There was one person, but there was 0:19:29.280 --> 0:19:31.919 one very big doctor that was known in this field. 0:19:32.520 --> 0:19:36.360 And it took a it was like six months waiting list, 0:19:36.440 --> 0:19:39.119 and I knew somebody who knew somebody and got me 0:19:39.160 --> 0:19:41.720 in right away. And he looked at me and he said, 0:19:42.040 --> 0:19:44.440 you seriously have one of the worst cases I've seen. 0:19:44.480 --> 0:19:47.600 And I've been studying this for a long time. He said, 0:19:47.600 --> 0:19:50.200 I want to I want to study you. I want 0:19:50.200 --> 0:19:52.840 to make you a subject. Can you do all these tests? 0:19:52.880 --> 0:19:56.000 And I said fine. At the time, I was so 0:19:56.160 --> 0:20:00.399 depleted in vitamins. I had no vitamin D left in 0:20:00.440 --> 0:20:04.359 my system. So even the sun. Even when I was 0:20:04.359 --> 0:20:08.359 in the sun, I'd break out and complete hives. Anything 0:20:08.359 --> 0:20:11.440 that was taking in that I didn't have was thinking 0:20:11.520 --> 0:20:16.000 it was attacking me. So my body was attacking everything. 0:20:16.560 --> 0:20:20.000 The panic attacks, they had me on four kalanapin a day, 0:20:20.920 --> 0:20:25.399 four of them, and I still couldn't stop shaking. I 0:20:25.560 --> 0:20:29.800 was so bad that this doctor just told me to 0:20:29.840 --> 0:20:33.399 eat gluten free and I was like, doctor, like, I'm 0:20:33.720 --> 0:20:36.520 jumping out of my skin. And at one appointment with him, 0:20:36.920 --> 0:20:40.359 he worked, he was at Columbia Hospital, and I said, 0:20:40.400 --> 0:20:43.560 I'm jumping out of my skin. I've read enough now 0:20:43.600 --> 0:20:46.080 to know that I have a lot of deficiencies. Can 0:20:46.119 --> 0:20:49.639 you please please keep me here because I'm good. I'm 0:20:49.680 --> 0:20:51.679 gonna throw myself out the window. I don't know what 0:20:51.800 --> 0:20:54.880 to do. I was vibrating, and he said, okay, go 0:20:54.960 --> 0:20:57.639 downstairs and go to the left when you see emergency, 0:20:57.720 --> 0:20:59.760 don't go to the right. And I do it. And 0:20:59.800 --> 0:21:04.520 I wound up in the psych board and I sat 0:21:04.560 --> 0:21:06.720 there and I said what am I doing here? And 0:21:06.760 --> 0:21:08.600 I said, well, you said you were going to jump 0:21:08.600 --> 0:21:10.600 out the window. And I was like, oh wait a minute, 0:21:10.960 --> 0:21:13.280 that was a figure of speech. I'm a New York 0:21:13.359 --> 0:21:18.280 Italian person. I'm being I'm just speaking. I can't feel 0:21:18.280 --> 0:21:21.399 like this anymore. This is not my mind. And I 0:21:21.480 --> 0:21:25.640 was still still even though they see how ill I am, 0:21:26.160 --> 0:21:29.000 they still, as a female looked at me and said, 0:21:29.240 --> 0:21:32.520 it's your mind. And I cannot tell you the six 0:21:32.600 --> 0:21:37.760 hours I spent pleading for my sanity that I thought, 0:21:37.760 --> 0:21:40.040 if I ever get out of here, I have to 0:21:40.080 --> 0:21:43.480 do something. So I can't say that there was much 0:21:43.520 --> 0:21:46.840 that helped me. I will say this. Why I did 0:21:46.840 --> 0:21:49.359 what I did for the Siliac community is because that 0:21:49.520 --> 0:21:52.320 is the only community that helped me. That's what led 0:21:52.359 --> 0:21:54.600 me on a journey. It was the silly Ac community 0:21:55.560 --> 0:21:59.480 on chat groups that were the only help because they 0:21:59.480 --> 0:22:00.720 were the ones going through it. 0:22:00.920 --> 0:22:03.600 Oh I hear is I hear the same little girl 0:22:04.840 --> 0:22:10.440 in Staten Island and Brooklyn with fear and responsibility. It's 0:22:10.480 --> 0:22:14.800 the same thing, and here it is repeating itself as 0:22:15.080 --> 0:22:18.679 technically I guess an adults. It just it breaks my 0:22:19.000 --> 0:22:23.160 It breaks my heart. I recently had a seizure and 0:22:23.680 --> 0:22:28.080 leading up to it, when you say vibrating, I was depleted, 0:22:28.359 --> 0:22:32.399 but it was I couldn't keep food down. I wasn't eating. 0:22:32.480 --> 0:22:35.520 I wasn't sleeping. I was really nervous, and I said 0:22:35.520 --> 0:22:39.679 to my girlfriend, I'm vibrating. I said, I am not 0:22:40.240 --> 0:22:43.119 in my I can't live in this body like this, 0:22:43.240 --> 0:22:47.040 and it led to a seizure. But you know, I 0:22:47.119 --> 0:22:53.080 had to pass out and seize before anybody was able 0:22:53.119 --> 0:22:55.800 to say, Okay, this is you know, and this was 0:22:56.200 --> 0:22:59.440 a month period, not a lifetime like you've endured. 0:22:59.720 --> 0:23:03.879 It's a lot to be not heard. Yeah, it's a 0:23:03.880 --> 0:23:08.280 lot to be not heard for so many years physically. Again, 0:23:08.480 --> 0:23:12.520 I saw so much suffering with health and stuff growing 0:23:12.600 --> 0:23:14.719 up that I was always like the champion of like, 0:23:15.000 --> 0:23:17.320 I guess this is the way it is, and you know, 0:23:17.440 --> 0:23:20.040 no one wants to hear about it, so but I 0:23:20.119 --> 0:23:24.879 did try. But after that, I remember looking out I 0:23:24.920 --> 0:23:27.359 had the same apartment that I bought a long time ago, 0:23:27.720 --> 0:23:31.000 and I remember looking out the window, the same thing 0:23:31.040 --> 0:23:35.919 I've always looked at, and the world looked different and 0:23:36.000 --> 0:23:41.080 I thought, wow, I can't call nine one one if 0:23:41.200 --> 0:23:45.360 I'm in trouble because they don't know what to do 0:23:45.520 --> 0:23:48.280 with me. And that's when I started to do the research. 0:23:48.400 --> 0:23:51.920 I did find an amazing doctor at one point named 0:23:51.920 --> 0:23:54.679 doctor frad Alone who's one of my he's like my 0:23:54.720 --> 0:23:58.320 brother now because he literally saved my life. He started 0:23:58.320 --> 0:24:03.280 helping me with intravenous vitamin drips and but at the time, 0:24:04.720 --> 0:24:08.440 it was it was it was months before I found him, 0:24:08.560 --> 0:24:11.760 and I just started jotting down anything I was doing 0:24:11.800 --> 0:24:14.240