Speaker 1: What do you do when life doesn't go according to
Speaker 1: plan that moment you lose a job, or a loved one,
Speaker 1: or even a piece of yourself. I'm Brookshields and this
Speaker 1: is now What, a podcast about pivotal moments as told
Speaker 1: by people who lived them. Each week, I sit down
Speaker 1: with a guest to talk about the times they were
Speaker 1: knocked off course and what they did to move forward.
Speaker 1: Some stories are funny, others are gut wrenching, but all
Speaker 1: are unapologetically human and remind us that every success and
Speaker 1: every setback is accompanied by a choice, and that choice
Speaker 1: answers one question. Now, what I read somewhere that you
Speaker 1: and Melissa McCarthy used to like to make short movies
Speaker 1: when you were doing Samantha Who. Yes, It's amazing.
Speaker 2: Some of them most ridiculous. I mean listen around the
Speaker 2: block from her and Ben. I used to show up
Speaker 2: at her house with like, look, I just made Zephyelis
Speaker 2: and she'd be like, what is your problem? Go home.
Speaker 2: She'd be like, I'm trying to, like, you know, eat healthy.
Speaker 2: And I'd walk in with like, you know, donuts and
Speaker 2: they'd be like, listen, we have this idea. Let's go
Speaker 2: film this and we'd wind up somehow making a ridiculous
Speaker 2: short roller skating downtown LA like insane, ridiculous in anything
Speaker 2: they said, I was like, Yep, I'll do it. Yep,
Speaker 2: I have no I have no fear in making a
Speaker 2: jackass out of myself. And it was the most fun
Speaker 2: and I loved it. I loved it. We had a black.
Speaker 1: My guest today left me feeling truly inspired. Jennifer Esposito.
Speaker 1: She's an actress, a filmmaker, a cookbook author, an advocate
Speaker 1: with a Celiac community, and much much more. We've known
Speaker 1: each other for decades, actually, and I asked her to
Speaker 1: join the show after we bumped into each other recently
Speaker 1: and I learned more about her incredible new film, Fresh Kills.
Speaker 1: It took her ten years to make it, and she
Speaker 1: did it practically all on her own. I was blown
Speaker 1: away by her story and think that if she hasn't
Speaker 1: been on your radar lately, she should be. Here is
Speaker 1: the incredible Jennifer Esposito. Jennifer Esposito, thank you so much
Speaker 1: for waking up and spending time with me.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I love it.
Speaker 1: I have to say we've known each other forever.
Speaker 2: I know my goodness, well.
Speaker 1: Always crossing paths, but never sadly, never have gotten the
Speaker 1: chance to work together, which is still in our future,
Speaker 1: which makes me very excited.
Speaker 2: Are you kidding? Absolutely? And we've only just begun for
Speaker 2: We've only just think exactly.
Speaker 1: But the first thing I want to talk to you
Speaker 1: about is your incredible, incredible new film, Thank You, and
Speaker 1: the movie Fresh Kills takes place on Staten Island in
Speaker 1: the eighties.
Speaker 2: Yes, eighties and nineties, Yes.
Speaker 1: Eighties and nineties. You grew up in Staten Island and Brooklyn.
Speaker 1: How similar is the film to the world you grew
Speaker 1: up in?
Speaker 2: Oh my god. It's on the money. It's on the money,
Speaker 2: And it was one of the things that I was determined.
Speaker 2: When people were like, filming in Atlanta, you get a
Speaker 2: taxper I was like, listen, you don't understand, because that
Speaker 2: island is it's all beast. It's a very specific energy
Speaker 2: that I was after, and it was a very specific world.
Speaker 1: Talk a little bit about the premise of the film
Speaker 1: and the story.
Speaker 2: So it's it's it takes place in a mafia family.
Speaker 2: And as we know, we've seen this genre nauseum and
Speaker 2: they're still making these movies and it's de Niro and
Speaker 2: it's Scruseas, and it's all these guys we love, and
Speaker 2: it's this genre that we're fascinated by, but we've really
Speaker 2: never seen a correct, full portrayal of these females. I
Speaker 2: wanted to tell this story from when I was a kid,
Speaker 2: to be honest, I grew up around seeing mafia families
Speaker 2: around me, and it was the young females that I
Speaker 2: was obsessed with. The violence I saw from them was
Speaker 2: pretty pretty extreme, and I didn't understand where that kind
Speaker 2: of rage came from. And as I left where I
Speaker 2: lived and went into this business and into the world,
Speaker 2: and I realized that rage I understood, and it wasn't
Speaker 2: because of being in a mafia. It was because of
Speaker 2: being pushed into a box. And so that's what the
Speaker 2: film is on the surface about. But to me, what
Speaker 2: it's really about is finding a voice in a world
Speaker 2: that tells you not to have one.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's so amazing because it's a it's so
Speaker 1: much more of a universal predicament, and yet, like you said,
Speaker 1: it's predominantly we've only seen sort of the the the
Speaker 1: glorification of it in a.
Speaker 2: Way exactly through the men exactly.
Speaker 1: And what's been painted as the women has been from
Speaker 1: the male perspective, which is tight knit, close family, children,
Speaker 1: And it's amazing that you've been able to show the
Speaker 1: other side of that.
Speaker 2: Thank you. It's it's yeah, it's been. It's been a journey.
Speaker 2: It took many years of pitching it around and people
Speaker 2: saying no. And then I finally was like, so tired
Speaker 2: of hearing myself complain about the roles I was seeing
Speaker 2: and I'm not able to get there and why can't
Speaker 2: I can do so much more? And it was like,
Speaker 2: can you, Jennifer than do it?
Speaker 1: You wrote it, you directed it, you produced it, you
Speaker 1: financed it, which is huge and insane.
Speaker 2: I will be buried with it. No. Yeah, well maybe yes, yes.
Speaker 1: But you also start in it. Yeah, and it took
Speaker 1: you ten years to make this film. Yeah, And it's
Speaker 1: always amazing to me how nobody really understands how much
Speaker 1: goes into it. Can you tell me a little bit
Speaker 1: about how it happened and what that experience was like
Speaker 1: for you?
Speaker 2: Oh my god, where's the wine? I need a lot
Speaker 2: of wine for this story.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: I woke up this morning and dealing with yet another
Speaker 2: hurdle for the film, and we just won three awards
Speaker 2: back to back, and it's still a struggle. This business
Speaker 2: is not kind to or equal to women. We know that.
Speaker 2: And then when you're a female that has been in
Speaker 2: the business for so long and people think they know you,
Speaker 2: it's difficult to get anything made. And then you put
Speaker 2: that on top of it, and it's like no one
Speaker 2: really wanted to read it, no one really cared to help.
Speaker 2: I didn't even I didn't even have an agent at
Speaker 2: the time, Like, no one wanted to represent me. It
Speaker 2: was like, she's done just as well.
Speaker 1: Then you don't have to give any percentage. Then, exactly
Speaker 1: did you always want to make films?
Speaker 2: You know? I when I was a kid, I was
Speaker 2: plopped in front of a TV like probably most of
Speaker 2: us were, and I used to watch West Side Story
Speaker 2: and like, you know, all of the Grease over and
Speaker 2: over and over and over, and I said, that's what
Speaker 2: I want to do. And when I got out of
Speaker 2: high school, I really wanted to go study film at
Speaker 2: NYU and couldn't afford it. But I didn't see any
Speaker 2: role models. You know, we didn't see any role models
Speaker 2: of Oh, females are making films. It just It didn't
Speaker 2: even dawn on me, but I knew that is what
Speaker 2: I wanted to do, and as I got into acting,
Speaker 2: I realized that wasn't the that I was talking about.
Speaker 2: I don't think I ever felt completely fulfilled as an actor.
Speaker 2: So now that I understand and I feel like I
Speaker 2: found where where I feel satiated, that's all I want
Speaker 2: to do.
Speaker 1: Now, what is something that you brought to the set
Speaker 1: as a director that you're particularly proud of.
Speaker 2: I have to say hearing Odessa Asion is one of
Speaker 2: the brilliant I'm not the star of the film. It's
Speaker 2: really about these two sisters. It's Odessa as On and
Speaker 2: a Zion, she says, and Emily Bater those are the two,
Speaker 2: and then Annabella Shiora and Dominic Lemberjosi fantastic actors. But
Speaker 2: Odessa said to me one day, she said, this is
Speaker 2: the most respect I've ever felt on a set, And
Speaker 2: you know, as an actress, that was huge because I
Speaker 2: got it. And you know, people have talked about the
Speaker 2: performances a lot in this movie, Like the reviews we've
Speaker 2: received are incredible and across the board. It has been
Speaker 2: about the acting. And it's not like I had a
Speaker 2: magic wand I just had deep respect for what they
Speaker 2: were doing. Their opinion was important, what they had to say,
Speaker 2: how they felt was important to me. I worked with
Speaker 2: them prior, I was able to see when they were struggling.
Speaker 2: It was just a different a different thing. I can't
Speaker 2: say I think I ever had that as an actress,
Speaker 2: and I've had some great directors, but it was a
Speaker 2: different thing.
Speaker 1: Well, what I mean, what is so fascinating about that
Speaker 1: is so I've only had two female directors that I've
Speaker 1: worked with in vastly different projects. And what was so
Speaker 1: interesting was by the time I got to work with
Speaker 1: female directors, I watched myself later when I realized saying
Speaker 1: to them, what do you want me to do? The
Speaker 1: men always had an answer for me, always that and answer,
Speaker 1: and I did it. I could morph into whatever they wanted.
Speaker 1: I did the job, we moved on and that was it,
Speaker 1: and everybody was happy. And it didn't really I never
Speaker 1: questioned it. By the time I got to work with
Speaker 1: female directors, it was always put right back to me, well,
Speaker 1: what do you think.
Speaker 2: Well, especially with your history of just being placed and
Speaker 2: all that you've done in your life and your career
Speaker 2: to finally have a voice in that is so wonderful.
Speaker 2: It's so wonderful. But I have to say, I don't
Speaker 2: think we just got here. We just got here, like
Speaker 2: this is new that we're actually allowed to even exist
Speaker 2: and we're still not but to even have a place
Speaker 2: on set to say Hi, I have an opinion, you
Speaker 2: know what do you? What do you think about this?
Speaker 2: Or like anyone take you seriously? Because I've had the
Speaker 2: same thing where I asked the question and it was like,
Speaker 2: why is she asking a question that's not supposed Do
Speaker 2: you show up and you say your lines? And like
Speaker 2: I remember, it was like does she have a last name?
Speaker 2: Does my character have a home? And it was like
Speaker 2: who hired her? She's so annoying? Why is she asking
Speaker 2: these questions? So I think we just arrived here? I
Speaker 2: really do.
Speaker 1: In your book, you write about being bullied as a kid.
Speaker 1: There was a quote you were bullied by mafia girls.
Speaker 1: Did writing Fresh Kills change your opinion of them?
Speaker 2: Absolutely? And I don't think I had a particular view,
Speaker 2: but I think the anger and the rage that I
Speaker 2: saw was much more understandable to me. Like I said,
Speaker 2: I felt myself of being put into a category or
Speaker 2: a box, and I felt like I understood more of
Speaker 2: what that must feel like to, you know, be stuck
Speaker 2: in a slot that you didn't you know, you didn't
Speaker 2: ask for.
Speaker 1: Do you think they were jealous of you? Why do
Speaker 1: you think they had such rage also towards you?
Speaker 2: I think it was just rage. Rage is rage, And
Speaker 2: I think anyone that you know maybe had that freedom,
Speaker 2: or you know, teenage girls. I mean, there's there's there's
Speaker 2: so much to begin with, and then you put on
Speaker 2: all the other circumstances that they had. It was just
Speaker 2: a violent neighborhood and the girls especially were extremely aggressive,
Speaker 2: and you know, maybe knowing that they were never getting
Speaker 2: out of this community. You know, I was you know
Speaker 2: that there's a difference.
Speaker 1: There is a difference to that. Do you what what
Speaker 1: do you remember most about, Like what was your childhood
Speaker 1: like beyond those girls? Just in the way you grew up?
Speaker 2: It was interesting, It was interesting, it was I do remember, Yeah,
Speaker 2: it was interesting. It was I remember. You know, there's
Speaker 2: there's a there's a there's a speech at the end, well,
Speaker 2: a scene at the end towards the end of the
Speaker 2: movie that rose the lead girl says, and I was
Speaker 2: speaking to a big producer, a female that saw it
Speaker 2: just recently and wanted to speak to me, and we
Speaker 2: talked in depth about it, and she said, you know,
Speaker 2: that last piece, I felt that piece was so personal.
Speaker 2: It's like it totally was. The whole thing is personal,
Speaker 2: but that last piece. And she says, is it normal
Speaker 2: that every day of my life I'm afraid and that
Speaker 2: I don't even feel it anymore? And she says, and
Speaker 2: I know I'm supposed to be grateful. I'm supposed to
Speaker 2: be grateful for every last piece of everything, but I'm not.
Speaker 2: I what if I want something else? And I thought
Speaker 2: that is absolutely straight from the heart and it you
Speaker 2: know I did. I grew up. I grew up afraid.
Speaker 2: I grew up afraid in my house. I grew up
Speaker 2: afraid outside my house, and I grew up wanting to run.
Speaker 2: They were, of course fun and good times, but I
Speaker 2: definitely had an overwhelming feeling of the ground underneath me,
Speaker 2: never being completely still.
Speaker 1: You know, It's also something that really strikes me about
Speaker 1: you is the fact that you actually lived for so
Speaker 1: many years with chronic pain from Celiac disease and it
Speaker 1: was undiagnosed. When did that start?
Speaker 2: How old were you it's oh my god, earliest memories
Speaker 2: and growing up Italian Catholic, all that we're supposed to
Speaker 2: be pain. We're supposed to have pain. It was supposed
Speaker 2: to you know, life isn't easy, and this is what
Speaker 2: we deal with. And I just thought, from seeing what
Speaker 2: I saw growing up that my anxiety from the age
Speaker 2: of twelve was normal. I thought, you know, my first
Speaker 2: panic attack and my mother giving me half of a
Speaker 2: valium at fifteen was normal. I thought it was normal.
Speaker 2: I thought the stomach pain was normal. I thought, you know,
Speaker 2: the anxiety. The anxiety got so bad, and not a
Speaker 2: lot of people know this. I had such severe panic
Speaker 2: disorder by the time I was twenty, I think twenty twenty.
Speaker 2: I moved out at eighteen, put myself through acting school,
Speaker 2: and then by twenty two I had to move back
Speaker 2: in with my parents because my panic attacks got so bad.
Speaker 2: I became a gloraphobic and I had to relearn how
Speaker 2: to really get out in the world.
Speaker 3: And that's when I started to do a deep dive
Speaker 3: because it was really bad. I started to do a
Speaker 3: deep dive about nutrition, and that's when I started to understand, like, huh,
Speaker 3: me drinking half a gallon of orange juice in the
Speaker 3: morning and having bagels and pasta.
Speaker 2: Maybe this isn't right for me. But I didn't find
Speaker 2: out until I was on the set with Melissa McCarthy
Speaker 2: on Samantha Who, and I had a tooth fall out
Speaker 2: of my mouth, like literally pop out of my mouth,
Speaker 2: and my skin was peeling off, my hair was falling
Speaker 2: out in clumbs. And she knew because we were very
Speaker 2: close during that time. And I remember looking at Melissa
Speaker 2: and going, I don't know what to do anymore. And
Speaker 2: she was like, you're not well, and I said, I know.
Speaker 2: And I went to a doctor, female doctor, and I
Speaker 2: just sat there and sobbed, and she heard me and
Speaker 2: she said, Okay, I'm going to get to the bottom
Speaker 2: of this. And she tested me and she called me
Speaker 2: a week later and she said when she got the results,
Speaker 2: she said, I've never seen a case this bad before.
Speaker 2: I don't know how you're alive. That started the journey
Speaker 2: to I have a real problem with injustice. It's a
Speaker 2: very hard world to live in. And to think of
Speaker 2: all the years that I was meant to believe that
Speaker 2: it was something about me that was wrong with my brain,
Speaker 2: or all these medications and all the gas lighting, medically
Speaker 2: going to every doctor, them telling me I was either hypochondriac,
Speaker 2: I was a girl, I was a dramatic, I was crazy.
Speaker 2: I had MS. They tell me everything, They had me
Speaker 2: on every medication, and I thought, I have to do something.
Speaker 2: Once I can get myself to a place where I
Speaker 2: can see straight, I have to do something. And that's
Speaker 2: how the books and the bakery came about.
Speaker 1: It's so interesting how the first knee jerk reaction is
Speaker 1: this is your fault and you're a crazy actress and
Speaker 1: you're a hysterical female exactly, and you'd brought this on
Speaker 1: and it's psychosomatic. Was there anything else that helped you
Speaker 1: missed this doctor? Did she follow through and help you
Speaker 1: along the way.
Speaker 2: She took me as far as she could. She was
Speaker 2: a general practitioner. I was with a male and I
Speaker 2: say male because he is a man. He was a
Speaker 2: gaster andonologist and this was his field. And when she
Speaker 2: called him with me on the phone, she point blank said,
Speaker 2: how did you never test her for this? He was
Speaker 2: treating me for parasites that he never found. I was
Speaker 2: in the hospital with c dipicile colitis from medication he
Speaker 2: gave me. I mean I was in quarantine like I was.
Speaker 2: He almost killed me, and she pointed the question. He said,
Speaker 2: I didn't think about it, to be honest, and I
Speaker 2: hate that I always have to go down this journey.
Speaker 2: I have to be honest. Someone asked me recently, it's like,
Speaker 2: do you have a mentor that mentor you in this movie?
Speaker 2: And it was like, no, I wish I did in
Speaker 2: any and in any area of my life. I wish
Speaker 2: I did, but there was nothing out there at the
Speaker 2: time when I was diagnosed and this severely that was
Speaker 2: going to help. There was one person, but there was
Speaker 2: one very big doctor that was known in this field.
Speaker 2: And it took a it was like six months waiting list,
Speaker 2: and I knew somebody who knew somebody and got me
Speaker 2: in right away. And he looked at me and he said,
Speaker 2: you seriously have one of the worst cases I've seen.
Speaker 2: And I've been studying this for a long time. He said,
Speaker 2: I want to I want to study you. I want
Speaker 2: to make you a subject. Can you do all these tests?
Speaker 2: And I said fine. At the time, I was so
Speaker 2: depleted in vitamins. I had no vitamin D left in
Speaker 2: my system. So even the sun. Even when I was
Speaker 2: in the sun, I'd break out and complete hives. Anything
Speaker 2: that was taking in that I didn't have was thinking
Speaker 2: it was attacking me. So my body was attacking everything.
Speaker 2: The panic attacks, they had me on four kalanapin a day,
Speaker 2: four of them, and I still couldn't stop shaking. I
Speaker 2: was so bad that this doctor just told me to
Speaker 2: eat gluten free and I was like, doctor, like, I'm
Speaker 2: jumping out of my skin. And at one appointment with him,
Speaker 2: he worked, he was at Columbia Hospital, and I said,
Speaker 2: I'm jumping out of my skin. I've read enough now
Speaker 2: to know that I have a lot of deficiencies. Can
Speaker 2: you please please keep me here because I'm good. I'm
Speaker 2: gonna throw myself out the window. I don't know what
Speaker 2: to do. I was vibrating, and he said, okay, go
Speaker 2: downstairs and go to the left when you see emergency,
Speaker 2: don't go to the right. And I do it. And
Speaker 2: I wound up in the psych board and I sat
Speaker 2: there and I said what am I doing here? And
Speaker 2: I said, well, you said you were going to jump
Speaker 2: out the window. And I was like, oh wait a minute,
Speaker 2: that was a figure of speech. I'm a New York
Speaker 2: Italian person. I'm being I'm just speaking. I can't feel
Speaker 2: like this anymore. This is not my mind. And I
Speaker 2: was still still even though they see how ill I am,
Speaker 2: they still, as a female looked at me and said,
Speaker 2: it's your mind. And I cannot tell you the six
Speaker 2: hours I spent pleading for my sanity that I thought,
Speaker 2: if I ever get out of here, I have to
Speaker 2: do something. So I can't say that there was much
Speaker 2: that helped me. I will say this. Why I did
Speaker 2: what I did for the Siliac community is because that
Speaker 2: is the only community that helped me. That's what led
Speaker 2: me on a journey. It was the silly Ac community
Speaker 2: on chat groups that were the only help because they
Speaker 2: were the ones going through it.
Speaker 1: Oh I hear is I hear the same little girl
Speaker 1: in Staten Island and Brooklyn with fear and responsibility. It's
Speaker 1: the same thing, and here it is repeating itself as
Speaker 1: technically I guess an adults. It just it breaks my
Speaker 1: It breaks my heart. I recently had a seizure and
Speaker 1: leading up to it, when you say vibrating, I was depleted,
Speaker 1: but it was I couldn't keep food down. I wasn't eating.
Speaker 1: I wasn't sleeping. I was really nervous, and I said
Speaker 1: to my girlfriend, I'm vibrating. I said, I am not
Speaker 1: in my I can't live in this body like this,
Speaker 1: and it led to a seizure. But you know, I
Speaker 1: had to pass out and seize before anybody was able
Speaker 1: to say, Okay, this is you know, and this was
Speaker 1: a month period, not a lifetime like you've endured.
Speaker 2: It's a lot to be not heard. Yeah, it's a
Speaker 2: lot to be not heard for so many years physically. Again,
Speaker 2: I saw so much suffering with health and stuff growing
Speaker 2: up that I was always like the champion of like,
Speaker 2: I guess this is the way it is, and you know,
Speaker 2: no one wants to hear about it, so but I
Speaker 2: did try. But after that, I remember looking out I
Speaker 2: had the same apartment that I bought a long time ago,
Speaker 2: and I remember looking out the window, the same thing
Speaker 2: I've always looked at, and the world looked different and
Speaker 2: I thought, wow, I can't call nine one one if
Speaker 2: I'm in trouble because they don't know what to do
Speaker 2: with me. And that's when I started to do the research.
Speaker 2: I did find an amazing doctor at one point named
Speaker 2: doctor frad Alone who's one of my he's like my
Speaker 2: brother now because he literally saved my life. He started
Speaker 2: helping me with intravenous vitamin drips and but at the time,
Speaker 2: it was it was it was months before I found him,
Speaker 2: and I just started jotting down anything I was doing
Speaker 2: that was helping me. And that's how the book came about,
Speaker 2: because I just wanted to get the information out there.
Speaker 2: And it was a hell of a time. I have
Speaker 2: to say, but I will say this, and I don't
Speaker 2: take anything away from mental issues and medication, but I
Speaker 2: will say, if nobody is talking to you about your
Speaker 2: gut health, then they're doing you a disservice because I
Speaker 2: no longer have any paniced attacks. I don't have them,
Speaker 2: and I'm on nothing.
Speaker 1: And you know, also the message is self advocacy, I mean,
Speaker 1: and that's some that's the hardest thing for especially women
Speaker 1: to do, because we're not taught to you know, we're
Speaker 1: taught to behave and don't make noise and don't rock
Speaker 1: the boat. But we have to self advocate and that
Speaker 1: goes across the board. And I'm sure, I mean, what
Speaker 1: else kills me about this is that for the rest
Speaker 1: of us who wanted to be watching more of you
Speaker 1: during that time. I'm sure you know you're the work
Speaker 1: that you wanted to do was sacrificed because you you
Speaker 1: weren't able to do it. I mean, you were a
Speaker 1: fan favorite on Blue pe Udz.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that was depressing that guy.
Speaker 1: You talk about just a lack of willingness, and in
Speaker 1: your book you talk about a lack of understanding and
Speaker 1: a lack of willingness from the people that are show running.
Speaker 1: You know, are the are the bosses. But to accommodate you, it.
Speaker 2: Was it was beyond It was beyond painful because I
Speaker 2: went and did that as the first job back up
Speaker 2: on my feet, and it was supposed to be it was.
Speaker 2: It was told to me as this is a part
Speaker 2: time thing. You're going to come in and out as
Speaker 2: his partner. The show is about his family. And because
Speaker 2: Donnie and I had such a rapport, I just kept
Speaker 2: working and working. I was getting paid as a smaller role.
Speaker 2: And every year we go this isn't okay, and they'd say,
Speaker 2: oh yeah, I was going to change it, and it
Speaker 2: never changed. But what really really upset me is when
Speaker 2: someone on that in that camp, it wasn't everybody but
Speaker 2: someone in that camp said, I don't even believe it.
Speaker 2: I want to see her records, her records of this disease.
Speaker 2: And I was like, okay, now I'm done, and yeah,
Speaker 2: kept me in a contract and didn't pay me, and yeah,
Speaker 2: it was it was ugly. It was ugly, but like
Speaker 2: I said, it wasn't the whole camp. I've since been back.
Speaker 2: They want me to come back and do something, and
Speaker 2: I really like a lot of people over there. It's
Speaker 2: you know, there's always a few they'd look at the
Speaker 2: woman like, oh, this one, you know she's and they
Speaker 2: you know she's doing that because she wants to get
Speaker 2: paid equally, which I should have been, but that's a
Speaker 2: whole other issue. But when you're asking someone for their
Speaker 2: medical records because you don't believe them, I was so
Speaker 2: done with not being believed that it was like oh right, yeah.
Speaker 2: I was like, okay, I'm good, I'm good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, did you get closure?
Speaker 2: To be honest, Brooks seriously, and I really do mean this.
Speaker 2: Making my film was so much more to me than
Speaker 2: just a film. This was retribution on so many fronts,
Speaker 2: on so many things. You know, when I first came
Speaker 2: out with Summer Sam, I kind of exploded out of
Speaker 2: the gate and I was I was met with a
Speaker 2: Harvey Weinstein kind of situation with a huge producer, and
Speaker 2: I spoke up and I got blacklisted right out of
Speaker 2: the gate, and I couldn't do any I didn't do
Speaker 2: anything for two years, and it was it was one
Speaker 2: hell of a thing, and I the trauma of that
Speaker 2: never went away and it circled my career, my entire life.
Speaker 2: So that movie, this movie was the gift to the
Speaker 2: twenty six year old who didn't get to do what
Speaker 2: she was supposed to maybe have done. You know, you
Speaker 2: always think, you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna show you,
Speaker 2: but when you get to that point, there was none
Speaker 2: of that. For me. I was just so deeply proud
Speaker 2: of myself that everything is water under the bridge. I'm
Speaker 2: now where I feel satiated as as a creative and
Speaker 2: I did it on my own. So I'm proud and
Speaker 2: nobody can touch that.
Speaker 1: Oh you know, I mean again, it's it's the one.
Speaker 1: It's two things at the same time, because at the one,
Speaker 1: on the one hand, you say, like God, damn it,
Speaker 1: that's it's all so unfair, and you talk about injustice
Speaker 1: and it's true. And then on the other your light
Speaker 1: never stopped shining.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: There's a purity and a searching for the good in people,
Speaker 1: the good in situations.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: I call the show now What because it is about
Speaker 1: pivotal moments in our lives. Good, bad, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: But when we really ask ourselves, oh my god, now
Speaker 1: what do I do? And I'm curious, looking back on
Speaker 1: your life, what's a now what moment for you?
Speaker 2: The now what moment that I can think of in
Speaker 2: talking in this whole conversation. It really was. I remember
Speaker 2: the day perfectly when I sat there, and it was
Speaker 2: right around New Year's probably five years ago, and I
Speaker 2: really just felt so low, like so I was doing work.
Speaker 2: I absolutely I hated. I was sad all the time.
Speaker 2: I was so tired of hearing myself complain. I was
Speaker 2: so tired of like hearing about injustice. And I've done
Speaker 2: all the walks in the in the in the times
Speaker 2: out in the talks and all the all the stuff.
Speaker 2: And I really just sat there and thought, nothing has changed.
Speaker 2: And I thought, again, well, what are you going to do?
Speaker 2: And I said to myself, you're either quitting. You're quitting,
Speaker 2: and like, that's it. Go and live in the woods
Speaker 2: where I have a house, and go like make some
Speaker 2: cakes and eat your food and shut up, and that's it.
Speaker 2: And I said, you're doing that, or you're going to
Speaker 2: sit down and finish writing the movie. And I said,
Speaker 2: on my deathbed, what am I gonna think if I
Speaker 2: don't try this, because this is this movie has been
Speaker 2: haunting me for years. I'm talking decades. And I said, Okay,
Speaker 2: I'm going to do it. And it was that moment
Speaker 2: and I said, every single day, you are going to
Speaker 2: get up and you are going to do something that's
Speaker 2: going to push you forward to do this. Whether it
Speaker 2: be right, whether it be call someone, whether it be
Speaker 2: read something on directing and filmmaking, whether it be taking
Speaker 2: a cla, whatever it is, you need to keep moving
Speaker 2: this forward. And that's what I did, and that's what
Speaker 2: I did, and I and every day I'm still I'm
Speaker 2: still pushing this rap up the world. But it's okay
Speaker 2: because now at least the vision is out there and
Speaker 2: we've had such a great response and listen, awards are
Speaker 2: great and you know, big movie is great, but honestly,
Speaker 2: it's seeing that all the while what I knew I
Speaker 2: was capable of. I did it and it was exactly
Speaker 2: how I visioned it. And to see it connect with
Speaker 2: the audience is everything.
Speaker 1: That was Jennifer Esposito. Stay tuned for more on her
Speaker 1: new film, Fresh Kills. That's it for us today, talk
Speaker 1: to you next week. Now. What with Burke Shields is
Speaker 1: a production of iHeartRadio. Our lead producer and wonderful showrunner
Speaker 1: is Julia Weaver. Additional research and editing by Darby Masters
Speaker 1: and Abu Zafar. Our executive producer is Christina Everett. The
Speaker 1: show was mixed by Vahid Fraser.