1 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:06,120 Speaker 1: What do you do when life doesn't go according to 2 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:09,760 Speaker 1: plan that moment you lose a job, or a loved one, 3 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:14,080 Speaker 1: or even a piece of yourself. I'm Brookshields and this 4 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:18,759 Speaker 1: is now What, a podcast about pivotal moments as told 5 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,599 Speaker 1: by people who lived them. Each week, I sit down 6 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:23,840 Speaker 1: with a guest to talk about the times they were 7 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 1: knocked off course and what they did to move forward. 8 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:33,080 Speaker 1: Some stories are funny, others are gut wrenching, but all 9 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:38,320 Speaker 1: are unapologetically human and remind us that every success and 10 00:00:38,479 --> 00:00:42,800 Speaker 1: every setback is accompanied by a choice, and that choice 11 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:50,360 Speaker 1: answers one question. Now, what I read somewhere that you 12 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 1: and Melissa McCarthy used to like to make short movies 13 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,960 Speaker 1: when you were doing Samantha Who. Yes, It's amazing. 14 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 2: Some of them most ridiculous. I mean listen around the 15 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:04,440 Speaker 2: block from her and Ben. I used to show up 16 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:07,360 Speaker 2: at her house with like, look, I just made Zephyelis 17 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,880 Speaker 2: and she'd be like, what is your problem? Go home. 18 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:13,600 Speaker 2: She'd be like, I'm trying to, like, you know, eat healthy. 19 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,560 Speaker 2: And I'd walk in with like, you know, donuts and 20 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,840 Speaker 2: they'd be like, listen, we have this idea. Let's go 21 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:26,319 Speaker 2: film this and we'd wind up somehow making a ridiculous 22 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:33,320 Speaker 2: short roller skating downtown LA like insane, ridiculous in anything 23 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:35,520 Speaker 2: they said, I was like, Yep, I'll do it. Yep, 24 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,720 Speaker 2: I have no I have no fear in making a 25 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:43,240 Speaker 2: jackass out of myself. And it was the most fun 26 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:46,520 Speaker 2: and I loved it. I loved it. We had a black. 27 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:53,200 Speaker 1: My guest today left me feeling truly inspired. Jennifer Esposito. 28 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:58,280 Speaker 1: She's an actress, a filmmaker, a cookbook author, an advocate 29 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:02,320 Speaker 1: with a Celiac community, and much much more. We've known 30 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:04,840 Speaker 1: each other for decades, actually, and I asked her to 31 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:07,800 Speaker 1: join the show after we bumped into each other recently 32 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:12,560 Speaker 1: and I learned more about her incredible new film, Fresh Kills. 33 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,120 Speaker 1: It took her ten years to make it, and she 34 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,680 Speaker 1: did it practically all on her own. I was blown 35 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,000 Speaker 1: away by her story and think that if she hasn't 36 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:25,079 Speaker 1: been on your radar lately, she should be. Here is 37 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:34,519 Speaker 1: the incredible Jennifer Esposito. Jennifer Esposito, thank you so much 38 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,200 Speaker 1: for waking up and spending time with me. 39 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:39,560 Speaker 2: Oh my god, I love it. 40 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,240 Speaker 1: I have to say we've known each other forever. 41 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,519 Speaker 2: I know my goodness, well. 42 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:48,919 Speaker 1: Always crossing paths, but never sadly, never have gotten the 43 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,040 Speaker 1: chance to work together, which is still in our future, 44 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,520 Speaker 1: which makes me very excited. 45 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:56,440 Speaker 2: Are you kidding? Absolutely? And we've only just begun for 46 00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 2: We've only just think exactly. 47 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 1: But the first thing I want to talk to you 48 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:07,000 Speaker 1: about is your incredible, incredible new film, Thank You, and 49 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:11,120 Speaker 1: the movie Fresh Kills takes place on Staten Island in 50 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:12,280 Speaker 1: the eighties. 51 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,200 Speaker 2: Yes, eighties and nineties, Yes. 52 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:17,919 Speaker 1: Eighties and nineties. You grew up in Staten Island and Brooklyn. 53 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:23,840 Speaker 1: How similar is the film to the world you grew 54 00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:24,160 Speaker 1: up in? 55 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:28,440 Speaker 2: Oh my god. It's on the money. It's on the money, 56 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:31,600 Speaker 2: And it was one of the things that I was determined. 57 00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:34,800 Speaker 2: When people were like, filming in Atlanta, you get a 58 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:39,360 Speaker 2: taxper I was like, listen, you don't understand, because that 59 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:44,440 Speaker 2: island is it's all beast. It's a very specific energy 60 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 2: that I was after, and it was a very specific world. 61 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,520 Speaker 1: Talk a little bit about the premise of the film 62 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:53,600 Speaker 1: and the story. 63 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,560 Speaker 2: So it's it's it takes place in a mafia family. 64 00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:01,040 Speaker 2: And as we know, we've seen this genre nauseum and 65 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,840 Speaker 2: they're still making these movies and it's de Niro and 66 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,240 Speaker 2: it's Scruseas, and it's all these guys we love, and 67 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,800 Speaker 2: it's this genre that we're fascinated by, but we've really 68 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 2: never seen a correct, full portrayal of these females. I 69 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,359 Speaker 2: wanted to tell this story from when I was a kid, 70 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:22,800 Speaker 2: to be honest, I grew up around seeing mafia families 71 00:04:22,839 --> 00:04:25,840 Speaker 2: around me, and it was the young females that I 72 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:29,719 Speaker 2: was obsessed with. The violence I saw from them was 73 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:35,120 Speaker 2: pretty pretty extreme, and I didn't understand where that kind 74 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:39,200 Speaker 2: of rage came from. And as I left where I 75 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:41,919 Speaker 2: lived and went into this business and into the world, 76 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:45,440 Speaker 2: and I realized that rage I understood, and it wasn't 77 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,680 Speaker 2: because of being in a mafia. It was because of 78 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,640 Speaker 2: being pushed into a box. And so that's what the 79 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:54,320 Speaker 2: film is on the surface about. But to me, what 80 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,000 Speaker 2: it's really about is finding a voice in a world 81 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,279 Speaker 2: that tells you not to have one. 82 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,159 Speaker 1: I mean, it's so amazing because it's a it's so 83 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:06,719 Speaker 1: much more of a universal predicament, and yet, like you said, 84 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 1: it's predominantly we've only seen sort of the the the 85 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,480 Speaker 1: glorification of it in a. 86 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,600 Speaker 2: Way exactly through the men exactly. 87 00:05:17,279 --> 00:05:20,160 Speaker 1: And what's been painted as the women has been from 88 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:26,560 Speaker 1: the male perspective, which is tight knit, close family, children, 89 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:32,520 Speaker 1: And it's amazing that you've been able to show the 90 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:33,520 Speaker 1: other side of that. 91 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:37,480 Speaker 2: Thank you. It's it's yeah, it's been. It's been a journey. 92 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,680 Speaker 2: It took many years of pitching it around and people 93 00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 2: saying no. And then I finally was like, so tired 94 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:48,719 Speaker 2: of hearing myself complain about the roles I was seeing 95 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,240 Speaker 2: and I'm not able to get there and why can't 96 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,479 Speaker 2: I can do so much more? And it was like, 97 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,320 Speaker 2: can you, Jennifer than do it? 98 00:05:55,640 --> 00:06:00,400 Speaker 1: You wrote it, you directed it, you produced it, you 99 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:06,040 Speaker 1: financed it, which is huge and insane. 100 00:06:06,279 --> 00:06:10,400 Speaker 2: I will be buried with it. No. Yeah, well maybe yes, yes. 101 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,400 Speaker 1: But you also start in it. Yeah, and it took 102 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:17,920 Speaker 1: you ten years to make this film. Yeah, And it's 103 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:22,640 Speaker 1: always amazing to me how nobody really understands how much 104 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,680 Speaker 1: goes into it. Can you tell me a little bit 105 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:29,520 Speaker 1: about how it happened and what that experience was like 106 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:29,960 Speaker 1: for you? 107 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:33,320 Speaker 2: Oh my god, where's the wine? I need a lot 108 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 2: of wine for this story. 109 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:35,000 Speaker 1: You know. 110 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,760 Speaker 2: I woke up this morning and dealing with yet another 111 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:43,480 Speaker 2: hurdle for the film, and we just won three awards 112 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:48,960 Speaker 2: back to back, and it's still a struggle. This business 113 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:53,680 Speaker 2: is not kind to or equal to women. We know that. 114 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:57,320 Speaker 2: And then when you're a female that has been in 115 00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,919 Speaker 2: the business for so long and people think they know you, 116 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,679 Speaker 2: it's difficult to get anything made. And then you put 117 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,080 Speaker 2: that on top of it, and it's like no one 118 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:10,080 Speaker 2: really wanted to read it, no one really cared to help. 119 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,760 Speaker 2: I didn't even I didn't even have an agent at 120 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:16,120 Speaker 2: the time, Like, no one wanted to represent me. It 121 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:17,800 Speaker 2: was like, she's done just as well. 122 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:21,760 Speaker 1: Then you don't have to give any percentage. Then, exactly 123 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:23,800 Speaker 1: did you always want to make films? 124 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:26,720 Speaker 2: You know? I when I was a kid, I was 125 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,280 Speaker 2: plopped in front of a TV like probably most of 126 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,480 Speaker 2: us were, and I used to watch West Side Story 127 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,920 Speaker 2: and like, you know, all of the Grease over and 128 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,800 Speaker 2: over and over and over, and I said, that's what 129 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:41,640 Speaker 2: I want to do. And when I got out of 130 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,080 Speaker 2: high school, I really wanted to go study film at 131 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:47,560 Speaker 2: NYU and couldn't afford it. But I didn't see any 132 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:49,960 Speaker 2: role models. You know, we didn't see any role models 133 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,520 Speaker 2: of Oh, females are making films. It just It didn't 134 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,280 Speaker 2: even dawn on me, but I knew that is what 135 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,400 Speaker 2: I wanted to do, and as I got into acting, 136 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:02,000 Speaker 2: I realized that wasn't the that I was talking about. 137 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:05,760 Speaker 2: I don't think I ever felt completely fulfilled as an actor. 138 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:09,760 Speaker 2: So now that I understand and I feel like I 139 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:14,000 Speaker 2: found where where I feel satiated, that's all I want 140 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:14,200 Speaker 2: to do. 141 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:16,960 Speaker 1: Now, what is something that you brought to the set 142 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:20,040 Speaker 1: as a director that you're particularly proud of. 143 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,280 Speaker 2: I have to say hearing Odessa Asion is one of 144 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,880 Speaker 2: the brilliant I'm not the star of the film. It's 145 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:30,720 Speaker 2: really about these two sisters. It's Odessa as On and 146 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:35,600 Speaker 2: a Zion, she says, and Emily Bater those are the two, 147 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:41,680 Speaker 2: and then Annabella Shiora and Dominic Lemberjosi fantastic actors. But 148 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,440 Speaker 2: Odessa said to me one day, she said, this is 149 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,800 Speaker 2: the most respect I've ever felt on a set, And 150 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:52,720 Speaker 2: you know, as an actress, that was huge because I 151 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:56,840 Speaker 2: got it. And you know, people have talked about the 152 00:08:56,880 --> 00:09:00,320 Speaker 2: performances a lot in this movie, Like the reviews we've 153 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:05,240 Speaker 2: received are incredible and across the board. It has been 154 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:07,960 Speaker 2: about the acting. And it's not like I had a 155 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,800 Speaker 2: magic wand I just had deep respect for what they 156 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:15,480 Speaker 2: were doing. Their opinion was important, what they had to say, 157 00:09:15,559 --> 00:09:18,600 Speaker 2: how they felt was important to me. I worked with 158 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,560 Speaker 2: them prior, I was able to see when they were struggling. 159 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,280 Speaker 2: It was just a different a different thing. I can't 160 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,920 Speaker 2: say I think I ever had that as an actress, 161 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:32,120 Speaker 2: and I've had some great directors, but it was a 162 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:32,720 Speaker 2: different thing. 163 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:36,840 Speaker 1: Well, what I mean, what is so fascinating about that 164 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,880 Speaker 1: is so I've only had two female directors that I've 165 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:45,120 Speaker 1: worked with in vastly different projects. And what was so 166 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,720 Speaker 1: interesting was by the time I got to work with 167 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:53,760 Speaker 1: female directors, I watched myself later when I realized saying 168 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:57,440 Speaker 1: to them, what do you want me to do? The 169 00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:01,559 Speaker 1: men always had an answer for me, always that and answer, 170 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,760 Speaker 1: and I did it. I could morph into whatever they wanted. 171 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,080 Speaker 1: I did the job, we moved on and that was it, 172 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,920 Speaker 1: and everybody was happy. And it didn't really I never 173 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,440 Speaker 1: questioned it. By the time I got to work with 174 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:16,360 Speaker 1: female directors, it was always put right back to me, well, 175 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:17,319 Speaker 1: what do you think. 176 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:25,000 Speaker 2: Well, especially with your history of just being placed and 177 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,800 Speaker 2: all that you've done in your life and your career 178 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 2: to finally have a voice in that is so wonderful. 179 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 2: It's so wonderful. But I have to say, I don't 180 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:43,360 Speaker 2: think we just got here. We just got here, like 181 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:48,319 Speaker 2: this is new that we're actually allowed to even exist 182 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,720 Speaker 2: and we're still not but to even have a place 183 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:56,480 Speaker 2: on set to say Hi, I have an opinion, you 184 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,560 Speaker 2: know what do you? What do you think about this? 185 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 2: Or like anyone take you seriously? Because I've had the 186 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,560 Speaker 2: same thing where I asked the question and it was like, 187 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:09,840 Speaker 2: why is she asking a question that's not supposed Do 188 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:13,360 Speaker 2: you show up and you say your lines? And like 189 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,240 Speaker 2: I remember, it was like does she have a last name? 190 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,760 Speaker 2: Does my character have a home? And it was like 191 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:25,280 Speaker 2: who hired her? She's so annoying? Why is she asking 192 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:30,280 Speaker 2: these questions? So I think we just arrived here? I 193 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:30,800 Speaker 2: really do. 194 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:41,600 Speaker 1: In your book, you write about being bullied as a kid. 195 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:46,520 Speaker 1: There was a quote you were bullied by mafia girls. 196 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,720 Speaker 1: Did writing Fresh Kills change your opinion of them? 197 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:56,079 Speaker 2: Absolutely? And I don't think I had a particular view, 198 00:11:56,320 --> 00:12:02,120 Speaker 2: but I think the anger and the rage that I 199 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:06,320 Speaker 2: saw was much more understandable to me. Like I said, 200 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:11,600 Speaker 2: I felt myself of being put into a category or 201 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:18,200 Speaker 2: a box, and I felt like I understood more of 202 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,160 Speaker 2: what that must feel like to, you know, be stuck 203 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,679 Speaker 2: in a slot that you didn't you know, you didn't 204 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:25,280 Speaker 2: ask for. 205 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,640 Speaker 1: Do you think they were jealous of you? Why do 206 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,719 Speaker 1: you think they had such rage also towards you? 207 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,600 Speaker 2: I think it was just rage. Rage is rage, And 208 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:38,760 Speaker 2: I think anyone that you know maybe had that freedom, 209 00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:43,559 Speaker 2: or you know, teenage girls. I mean, there's there's there's 210 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,760 Speaker 2: so much to begin with, and then you put on 211 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,560 Speaker 2: all the other circumstances that they had. It was just 212 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:57,559 Speaker 2: a violent neighborhood and the girls especially were extremely aggressive, 213 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:01,280 Speaker 2: and you know, maybe knowing that they were never getting 214 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:05,600 Speaker 2: out of this community. You know, I was you know 215 00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:06,920 Speaker 2: that there's a difference. 216 00:13:07,559 --> 00:13:10,200 Speaker 1: There is a difference to that. Do you what what 217 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,720 Speaker 1: do you remember most about, Like what was your childhood 218 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 1: like beyond those girls? Just in the way you grew up? 219 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:23,120 Speaker 2: It was interesting, It was interesting, it was I do remember, Yeah, 220 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:27,240 Speaker 2: it was interesting. It was I remember. You know, there's 221 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:30,440 Speaker 2: there's a there's a there's a speech at the end, well, 222 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,440 Speaker 2: a scene at the end towards the end of the 223 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:37,079 Speaker 2: movie that rose the lead girl says, and I was 224 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,959 Speaker 2: speaking to a big producer, a female that saw it 225 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,400 Speaker 2: just recently and wanted to speak to me, and we 226 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,920 Speaker 2: talked in depth about it, and she said, you know, 227 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:49,800 Speaker 2: that last piece, I felt that piece was so personal. 228 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,840 Speaker 2: It's like it totally was. The whole thing is personal, 229 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:56,040 Speaker 2: but that last piece. And she says, is it normal 230 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:59,080 Speaker 2: that every day of my life I'm afraid and that 231 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:01,440 Speaker 2: I don't even feel it anymore? And she says, and 232 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,559 Speaker 2: I know I'm supposed to be grateful. I'm supposed to 233 00:14:03,559 --> 00:14:06,000 Speaker 2: be grateful for every last piece of everything, but I'm not. 234 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:10,199 Speaker 2: I what if I want something else? And I thought 235 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:15,680 Speaker 2: that is absolutely straight from the heart and it you 236 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,880 Speaker 2: know I did. I grew up. I grew up afraid. 237 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 2: I grew up afraid in my house. I grew up 238 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,800 Speaker 2: afraid outside my house, and I grew up wanting to run. 239 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,480 Speaker 2: They were, of course fun and good times, but I 240 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:32,240 Speaker 2: definitely had an overwhelming feeling of the ground underneath me, 241 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,360 Speaker 2: never being completely still. 242 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:38,040 Speaker 1: You know, It's also something that really strikes me about 243 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:41,400 Speaker 1: you is the fact that you actually lived for so 244 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:46,720 Speaker 1: many years with chronic pain from Celiac disease and it 245 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,920 Speaker 1: was undiagnosed. When did that start? 246 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:52,640 Speaker 2: How old were you it's oh my god, earliest memories 247 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:57,000 Speaker 2: and growing up Italian Catholic, all that we're supposed to 248 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,600 Speaker 2: be pain. We're supposed to have pain. It was supposed 249 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,240 Speaker 2: to you know, life isn't easy, and this is what 250 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:06,440 Speaker 2: we deal with. And I just thought, from seeing what 251 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:10,800 Speaker 2: I saw growing up that my anxiety from the age 252 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:16,120 Speaker 2: of twelve was normal. I thought, you know, my first 253 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:18,760 Speaker 2: panic attack and my mother giving me half of a 254 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:24,880 Speaker 2: valium at fifteen was normal. I thought it was normal. 255 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:28,520 Speaker 2: I thought the stomach pain was normal. I thought, you know, 256 00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 2: the anxiety. The anxiety got so bad, and not a 257 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,880 Speaker 2: lot of people know this. I had such severe panic 258 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:39,240 Speaker 2: disorder by the time I was twenty, I think twenty twenty. 259 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,480 Speaker 2: I moved out at eighteen, put myself through acting school, 260 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:46,240 Speaker 2: and then by twenty two I had to move back 261 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:50,680 Speaker 2: in with my parents because my panic attacks got so bad. 262 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:56,160 Speaker 2: I became a gloraphobic and I had to relearn how 263 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,680 Speaker 2: to really get out in the world. 264 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,120 Speaker 3: And that's when I started to do a deep dive 265 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,880 Speaker 3: because it was really bad. I started to do a 266 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:10,600 Speaker 3: deep dive about nutrition, and that's when I started to understand, like, huh, 267 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,480 Speaker 3: me drinking half a gallon of orange juice in the 268 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,359 Speaker 3: morning and having bagels and pasta. 269 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:20,360 Speaker 2: Maybe this isn't right for me. But I didn't find 270 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:24,440 Speaker 2: out until I was on the set with Melissa McCarthy 271 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:27,920 Speaker 2: on Samantha Who, and I had a tooth fall out 272 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:31,440 Speaker 2: of my mouth, like literally pop out of my mouth, 273 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:34,720 Speaker 2: and my skin was peeling off, my hair was falling 274 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,600 Speaker 2: out in clumbs. And she knew because we were very 275 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:41,000 Speaker 2: close during that time. And I remember looking at Melissa 276 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,080 Speaker 2: and going, I don't know what to do anymore. And 277 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,080 Speaker 2: she was like, you're not well, and I said, I know. 278 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:51,160 Speaker 2: And I went to a doctor, female doctor, and I 279 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:55,080 Speaker 2: just sat there and sobbed, and she heard me and 280 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,880 Speaker 2: she said, Okay, I'm going to get to the bottom 281 00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:59,200 Speaker 2: of this. And she tested me and she called me 282 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,800 Speaker 2: a week later and she said when she got the results, 283 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,760 Speaker 2: she said, I've never seen a case this bad before. 284 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,480 Speaker 2: I don't know how you're alive. That started the journey 285 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:12,600 Speaker 2: to I have a real problem with injustice. It's a 286 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:16,000 Speaker 2: very hard world to live in. And to think of 287 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,040 Speaker 2: all the years that I was meant to believe that 288 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,359 Speaker 2: it was something about me that was wrong with my brain, 289 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:26,280 Speaker 2: or all these medications and all the gas lighting, medically 290 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,760 Speaker 2: going to every doctor, them telling me I was either hypochondriac, 291 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:36,160 Speaker 2: I was a girl, I was a dramatic, I was crazy. 292 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:40,600 Speaker 2: I had MS. They tell me everything, They had me 293 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:44,720 Speaker 2: on every medication, and I thought, I have to do something. 294 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,080 Speaker 2: Once I can get myself to a place where I 295 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:50,200 Speaker 2: can see straight, I have to do something. And that's 296 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:57,960 Speaker 2: how the books and the bakery came about. 297 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:05,520 Speaker 1: It's so interesting how the first knee jerk reaction is 298 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:09,840 Speaker 1: this is your fault and you're a crazy actress and 299 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:14,320 Speaker 1: you're a hysterical female exactly, and you'd brought this on 300 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:18,960 Speaker 1: and it's psychosomatic. Was there anything else that helped you 301 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:22,840 Speaker 1: missed this doctor? Did she follow through and help you 302 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:24,240 Speaker 1: along the way. 303 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:27,119 Speaker 2: She took me as far as she could. She was 304 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:32,159 Speaker 2: a general practitioner. I was with a male and I 305 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:36,560 Speaker 2: say male because he is a man. He was a 306 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 2: gaster andonologist and this was his field. And when she 307 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 2: called him with me on the phone, she point blank said, 308 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,919 Speaker 2: how did you never test her for this? He was 309 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,159 Speaker 2: treating me for parasites that he never found. I was 310 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:55,520 Speaker 2: in the hospital with c dipicile colitis from medication he 311 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:59,000 Speaker 2: gave me. I mean I was in quarantine like I was. 312 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:03,360 Speaker 2: He almost killed me, and she pointed the question. He said, 313 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,600 Speaker 2: I didn't think about it, to be honest, and I 314 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,480 Speaker 2: hate that I always have to go down this journey. 315 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,639 Speaker 2: I have to be honest. Someone asked me recently, it's like, 316 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,240 Speaker 2: do you have a mentor that mentor you in this movie? 317 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,520 Speaker 2: And it was like, no, I wish I did in 318 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,919 Speaker 2: any and in any area of my life. I wish 319 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,800 Speaker 2: I did, but there was nothing out there at the 320 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:25,800 Speaker 2: time when I was diagnosed and this severely that was 321 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:29,159 Speaker 2: going to help. There was one person, but there was 322 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,919 Speaker 2: one very big doctor that was known in this field. 323 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:36,360 Speaker 2: And it took a it was like six months waiting list, 324 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,119 Speaker 2: and I knew somebody who knew somebody and got me 325 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,720 Speaker 2: in right away. And he looked at me and he said, 326 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,440 Speaker 2: you seriously have one of the worst cases I've seen. 327 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,600 Speaker 2: And I've been studying this for a long time. He said, 328 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,200 Speaker 2: I want to I want to study you. I want 329 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,840 Speaker 2: to make you a subject. Can you do all these tests? 330 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:56,000 Speaker 2: And I said fine. At the time, I was so 331 00:19:56,160 --> 00:20:00,399 Speaker 2: depleted in vitamins. I had no vitamin D left in 332 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:04,359 Speaker 2: my system. So even the sun. Even when I was 333 00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:08,359 Speaker 2: in the sun, I'd break out and complete hives. Anything 334 00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:11,440 Speaker 2: that was taking in that I didn't have was thinking 335 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:16,000 Speaker 2: it was attacking me. So my body was attacking everything. 336 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:20,000 Speaker 2: The panic attacks, they had me on four kalanapin a day, 337 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:25,399 Speaker 2: four of them, and I still couldn't stop shaking. I 338 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:29,800 Speaker 2: was so bad that this doctor just told me to 339 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:33,399 Speaker 2: eat gluten free and I was like, doctor, like, I'm 340 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,520 Speaker 2: jumping out of my skin. And at one appointment with him, 341 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:40,359 Speaker 2: he worked, he was at Columbia Hospital, and I said, 342 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,560 Speaker 2: I'm jumping out of my skin. I've read enough now 343 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:46,080 Speaker 2: to know that I have a lot of deficiencies. Can 344 00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:49,639 Speaker 2: you please please keep me here because I'm good. I'm 345 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:51,679 Speaker 2: gonna throw myself out the window. I don't know what 346 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,880 Speaker 2: to do. I was vibrating, and he said, okay, go 347 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,639 Speaker 2: downstairs and go to the left when you see emergency, 348 00:20:57,720 --> 00:20:59,760 Speaker 2: don't go to the right. And I do it. And 349 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:04,520 Speaker 2: I wound up in the psych board and I sat 350 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,720 Speaker 2: there and I said what am I doing here? And 351 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,600 Speaker 2: I said, well, you said you were going to jump 352 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,600 Speaker 2: out the window. And I was like, oh wait a minute, 353 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:13,280 Speaker 2: that was a figure of speech. I'm a New York 354 00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:18,280 Speaker 2: Italian person. I'm being I'm just speaking. I can't feel 355 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,399 Speaker 2: like this anymore. This is not my mind. And I 356 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:25,640 Speaker 2: was still still even though they see how ill I am, 357 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:29,000 Speaker 2: they still, as a female looked at me and said, 358 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:32,520 Speaker 2: it's your mind. And I cannot tell you the six 359 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:37,760 Speaker 2: hours I spent pleading for my sanity that I thought, 360 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,040 Speaker 2: if I ever get out of here, I have to 361 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:43,480 Speaker 2: do something. So I can't say that there was much 362 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:46,840 Speaker 2: that helped me. I will say this. Why I did 363 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,359 Speaker 2: what I did for the Siliac community is because that 364 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:52,320 Speaker 2: is the only community that helped me. That's what led 365 00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:54,600 Speaker 2: me on a journey. It was the silly Ac community 366 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:59,480 Speaker 2: on chat groups that were the only help because they 367 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:00,720 Speaker 2: were the ones going through it. 368 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,600 Speaker 1: Oh I hear is I hear the same little girl 369 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:10,440 Speaker 1: in Staten Island and Brooklyn with fear and responsibility. It's 370 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:14,800 Speaker 1: the same thing, and here it is repeating itself as 371 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:18,679 Speaker 1: technically I guess an adults. It just it breaks my 372 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:23,160 Speaker 1: It breaks my heart. I recently had a seizure and 373 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:28,080 Speaker 1: leading up to it, when you say vibrating, I was depleted, 374 00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:32,399 Speaker 1: but it was I couldn't keep food down. I wasn't eating. 375 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:35,520 Speaker 1: I wasn't sleeping. I was really nervous, and I said 376 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:39,679 Speaker 1: to my girlfriend, I'm vibrating. I said, I am not 377 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:43,119 Speaker 1: in my I can't live in this body like this, 378 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:47,040 Speaker 1: and it led to a seizure. But you know, I 379 00:22:47,119 --> 00:22:53,080 Speaker 1: had to pass out and seize before anybody was able 380 00:22:53,119 --> 00:22:55,800 Speaker 1: to say, Okay, this is you know, and this was 381 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,440 Speaker 1: a month period, not a lifetime like you've endured. 382 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:03,879 Speaker 2: It's a lot to be not heard. Yeah, it's a 383 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:08,280 Speaker 2: lot to be not heard for so many years physically. Again, 384 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:12,520 Speaker 2: I saw so much suffering with health and stuff growing 385 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,719 Speaker 2: up that I was always like the champion of like, 386 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,320 Speaker 2: I guess this is the way it is, and you know, 387 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,040 Speaker 2: no one wants to hear about it, so but I 388 00:23:20,119 --> 00:23:24,879 Speaker 2: did try. But after that, I remember looking out I 389 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:27,359 Speaker 2: had the same apartment that I bought a long time ago, 390 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:31,000 Speaker 2: and I remember looking out the window, the same thing 391 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:35,919 Speaker 2: I've always looked at, and the world looked different and 392 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:41,080 Speaker 2: I thought, wow, I can't call nine one one if 393 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:45,360 Speaker 2: I'm in trouble because they don't know what to do 394 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,280 Speaker 2: with me. And that's when I started to do the research. 395 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:51,920 Speaker 2: I did find an amazing doctor at one point named 396 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:54,679 Speaker 2: doctor frad Alone who's one of my he's like my 397 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:58,320 Speaker 2: brother now because he literally saved my life. He started 398 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:03,280 Speaker 2: helping me with intravenous vitamin drips and but at the time, 399 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:08,440 Speaker 2: it was it was it was months before I found him, 400 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,760 Speaker 2: and I just started jotting down anything I was doing 401 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,240 Speaker 2: that was helping me. And that's how the book came about, 402 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,840 Speaker 2: because I just wanted to get the information out there. 403 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:20,479 Speaker 2: And it was a hell of a time. I have 404 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,040 Speaker 2: to say, but I will say this, and I don't 405 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:26,560 Speaker 2: take anything away from mental issues and medication, but I 406 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,080 Speaker 2: will say, if nobody is talking to you about your 407 00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:32,600 Speaker 2: gut health, then they're doing you a disservice because I 408 00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:35,639 Speaker 2: no longer have any paniced attacks. I don't have them, 409 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:37,080 Speaker 2: and I'm on nothing. 410 00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:41,120 Speaker 1: And you know, also the message is self advocacy, I mean, 411 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:44,800 Speaker 1: and that's some that's the hardest thing for especially women 412 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,680 Speaker 1: to do, because we're not taught to you know, we're 413 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,600 Speaker 1: taught to behave and don't make noise and don't rock 414 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:55,200 Speaker 1: the boat. But we have to self advocate and that 415 00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:59,639 Speaker 1: goes across the board. And I'm sure, I mean, what 416 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,440 Speaker 1: else kills me about this is that for the rest 417 00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:04,439 Speaker 1: of us who wanted to be watching more of you 418 00:25:05,119 --> 00:25:09,000 Speaker 1: during that time. I'm sure you know you're the work 419 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,000 Speaker 1: that you wanted to do was sacrificed because you you 420 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,360 Speaker 1: weren't able to do it. I mean, you were a 421 00:25:14,359 --> 00:25:16,040 Speaker 1: fan favorite on Blue pe Udz. 422 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:18,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, that was depressing that guy. 423 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:21,280 Speaker 1: You talk about just a lack of willingness, and in 424 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,399 Speaker 1: your book you talk about a lack of understanding and 425 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:28,600 Speaker 1: a lack of willingness from the people that are show running. 426 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:33,919 Speaker 1: You know, are the are the bosses. But to accommodate you, it. 427 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:38,600 Speaker 2: Was it was beyond It was beyond painful because I 428 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:43,360 Speaker 2: went and did that as the first job back up 429 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,399 Speaker 2: on my feet, and it was supposed to be it was. 430 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:50,119 Speaker 2: It was told to me as this is a part 431 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:52,720 Speaker 2: time thing. You're going to come in and out as 432 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,320 Speaker 2: his partner. The show is about his family. And because 433 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:59,880 Speaker 2: Donnie and I had such a rapport, I just kept 434 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:04,440 Speaker 2: working and working. I was getting paid as a smaller role. 435 00:26:05,119 --> 00:26:10,200 Speaker 2: And every year we go this isn't okay, and they'd say, 436 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,399 Speaker 2: oh yeah, I was going to change it, and it 437 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:17,480 Speaker 2: never changed. But what really really upset me is when 438 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:22,159 Speaker 2: someone on that in that camp, it wasn't everybody but 439 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:25,560 Speaker 2: someone in that camp said, I don't even believe it. 440 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:32,640 Speaker 2: I want to see her records, her records of this disease. 441 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:40,720 Speaker 2: And I was like, okay, now I'm done, and yeah, 442 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:46,119 Speaker 2: kept me in a contract and didn't pay me, and yeah, 443 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:49,199 Speaker 2: it was it was ugly. It was ugly, but like 444 00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:53,359 Speaker 2: I said, it wasn't the whole camp. I've since been back. 445 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:56,320 Speaker 2: They want me to come back and do something, and 446 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,000 Speaker 2: I really like a lot of people over there. It's 447 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:03,560 Speaker 2: you know, there's always a few they'd look at the 448 00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:07,960 Speaker 2: woman like, oh, this one, you know she's and they 449 00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:09,960 Speaker 2: you know she's doing that because she wants to get 450 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:13,240 Speaker 2: paid equally, which I should have been, but that's a 451 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,040 Speaker 2: whole other issue. But when you're asking someone for their 452 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:19,000 Speaker 2: medical records because you don't believe them, I was so 453 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,400 Speaker 2: done with not being believed that it was like oh right, yeah. 454 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:24,520 Speaker 2: I was like, okay, I'm good, I'm good. 455 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:26,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, did you get closure? 456 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:30,399 Speaker 2: To be honest, Brooks seriously, and I really do mean this. 457 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:35,880 Speaker 2: Making my film was so much more to me than 458 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:42,399 Speaker 2: just a film. This was retribution on so many fronts, 459 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:45,880 Speaker 2: on so many things. You know, when I first came 460 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:49,080 Speaker 2: out with Summer Sam, I kind of exploded out of 461 00:27:49,119 --> 00:27:52,080 Speaker 2: the gate and I was I was met with a 462 00:27:52,119 --> 00:27:56,480 Speaker 2: Harvey Weinstein kind of situation with a huge producer, and 463 00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:59,639 Speaker 2: I spoke up and I got blacklisted right out of 464 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:02,639 Speaker 2: the gate, and I couldn't do any I didn't do 465 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:05,600 Speaker 2: anything for two years, and it was it was one 466 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:09,119 Speaker 2: hell of a thing, and I the trauma of that 467 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:14,760 Speaker 2: never went away and it circled my career, my entire life. 468 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:18,960 Speaker 2: So that movie, this movie was the gift to the 469 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:22,439 Speaker 2: twenty six year old who didn't get to do what 470 00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:25,480 Speaker 2: she was supposed to maybe have done. You know, you 471 00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:28,960 Speaker 2: always think, you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna show you, 472 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:32,240 Speaker 2: but when you get to that point, there was none 473 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:35,359 Speaker 2: of that. For me. I was just so deeply proud 474 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:40,560 Speaker 2: of myself that everything is water under the bridge. I'm 475 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:46,080 Speaker 2: now where I feel satiated as as a creative and 476 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:49,680 Speaker 2: I did it on my own. So I'm proud and 477 00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:50,920 Speaker 2: nobody can touch that. 478 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:55,240 Speaker 1: Oh you know, I mean again, it's it's the one. 479 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:57,920 Speaker 1: It's two things at the same time, because at the one, 480 00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:02,040 Speaker 1: on the one hand, you say, like God, damn it, 481 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:05,000 Speaker 1: that's it's all so unfair, and you talk about injustice 482 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:07,480 Speaker 1: and it's true. And then on the other your light 483 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:09,080 Speaker 1: never stopped shining. 484 00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:09,640 Speaker 2: Thank you. 485 00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:14,160 Speaker 1: There's a purity and a searching for the good in people, 486 00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:15,400 Speaker 1: the good in situations. 487 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:15,880 Speaker 2: Thank you. 488 00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:18,720 Speaker 1: I call the show now What because it is about 489 00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:24,760 Speaker 1: pivotal moments in our lives. Good, bad, it doesn't matter. 490 00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:27,960 Speaker 1: But when we really ask ourselves, oh my god, now 491 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:31,880 Speaker 1: what do I do? And I'm curious, looking back on 492 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:35,280 Speaker 1: your life, what's a now what moment for you? 493 00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:38,720 Speaker 2: The now what moment that I can think of in 494 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:43,200 Speaker 2: talking in this whole conversation. It really was. I remember 495 00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:49,760 Speaker 2: the day perfectly when I sat there, and it was 496 00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:54,920 Speaker 2: right around New Year's probably five years ago, and I 497 00:29:55,160 --> 00:30:00,240 Speaker 2: really just felt so low, like so I was doing work. 498 00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:04,240 Speaker 2: I absolutely I hated. I was sad all the time. 499 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:08,400 Speaker 2: I was so tired of hearing myself complain. I was 500 00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:12,360 Speaker 2: so tired of like hearing about injustice. And I've done 501 00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:15,120 Speaker 2: all the walks in the in the in the times 502 00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:17,520 Speaker 2: out in the talks and all the all the stuff. 503 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:21,920 Speaker 2: And I really just sat there and thought, nothing has changed. 504 00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:25,880 Speaker 2: And I thought, again, well, what are you going to do? 505 00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:30,600 Speaker 2: And I said to myself, you're either quitting. You're quitting, 506 00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:33,320 Speaker 2: and like, that's it. Go and live in the woods 507 00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:36,479 Speaker 2: where I have a house, and go like make some 508 00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:40,560 Speaker 2: cakes and eat your food and shut up, and that's it. 509 00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:44,800 Speaker 2: And I said, you're doing that, or you're going to 510 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:50,720 Speaker 2: sit down and finish writing the movie. And I said, 511 00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:54,440 Speaker 2: on my deathbed, what am I gonna think if I 512 00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:56,640 Speaker 2: don't try this, because this is this movie has been 513 00:30:56,640 --> 00:31:01,640 Speaker 2: haunting me for years. I'm talking decades. And I said, Okay, 514 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,120 Speaker 2: I'm going to do it. And it was that moment 515 00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:07,480 Speaker 2: and I said, every single day, you are going to 516 00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:09,480 Speaker 2: get up and you are going to do something that's 517 00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:11,840 Speaker 2: going to push you forward to do this. Whether it 518 00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:14,600 Speaker 2: be right, whether it be call someone, whether it be 519 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:18,920 Speaker 2: read something on directing and filmmaking, whether it be taking 520 00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:22,120 Speaker 2: a cla, whatever it is, you need to keep moving 521 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:25,040 Speaker 2: this forward. And that's what I did, and that's what 522 00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:29,080 Speaker 2: I did, and I and every day I'm still I'm 523 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:32,240 Speaker 2: still pushing this rap up the world. But it's okay 524 00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:36,600 Speaker 2: because now at least the vision is out there and 525 00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:40,360 Speaker 2: we've had such a great response and listen, awards are 526 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:44,800 Speaker 2: great and you know, big movie is great, but honestly, 527 00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:48,760 Speaker 2: it's seeing that all the while what I knew I 528 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:53,720 Speaker 2: was capable of. I did it and it was exactly 529 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:57,360 Speaker 2: how I visioned it. And to see it connect with 530 00:31:57,440 --> 00:32:00,240 Speaker 2: the audience is everything. 531 00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:07,560 Speaker 1: That was Jennifer Esposito. Stay tuned for more on her 532 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:10,840 Speaker 1: new film, Fresh Kills. That's it for us today, talk 533 00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:18,360 Speaker 1: to you next week. Now. What with Burke Shields is 534 00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:22,520 Speaker 1: a production of iHeartRadio. Our lead producer and wonderful showrunner 535 00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:26,920 Speaker 1: is Julia Weaver. Additional research and editing by Darby Masters 536 00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:32,320 Speaker 1: and Abu Zafar. Our executive producer is Christina Everett. The 537 00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:34,440 Speaker 1: show was mixed by Vahid Fraser.