WEBVTT - Minisode: A Magic Sprinkle with Chelsea + Catherine 0:00:00.840 --> 0:00:04.160 Welcome to Couples Counseling with Chelsea hand Job, where. 0:00:04.000 --> 0:00:09.560 We do couples counseling on all sorts of variations of friends, lovers, families. 0:00:10.240 --> 0:00:15.440 Welcome to my office. Okay, Hi, Hi Catherine, we are doing. 0:00:15.560 --> 0:00:16.880 Welcome to our midisode. 0:00:17.079 --> 0:00:22.520 Hello Chelsea. You know I like everything nugget sized you do. Indeed, Chelsea, 0:00:22.640 --> 0:00:24.840 should we just jump right into it? Of course I 0:00:25.120 --> 0:00:26.240 have pursuquesto. 0:00:26.880 --> 0:00:29.520 I have a couple of fun emails today, one follow 0:00:29.600 --> 0:00:31.520 up and one just that I got that I thought 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:35.400 was good to share. Gretchen says, Hi, Chelsea, I loved 0:00:35.400 --> 0:00:38.920 your new book so fun and entertaining. Sometimes audiobook narration 0:00:39.040 --> 0:00:41.920 cannot do justice to its content, but I must say 0:00:42.080 --> 0:00:44.639 you nailed it. Congratulations, Gretchen. 0:00:44.880 --> 0:00:45.479 So nice. 0:00:45.560 --> 0:00:47.600 Yeah, and that's a good reminder too, like I feel 0:00:47.600 --> 0:00:51.199 like with personal stories and especially for comedians, like always 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:51.960 go audiobook. 0:00:52.120 --> 0:00:52.320 You know. 0:00:52.440 --> 0:00:54.320 Yeah, I got a couple notes that I talk too 0:00:54.400 --> 0:00:57.160 fast on this audible. Most of the notes say that 0:00:57.240 --> 0:00:59.160 people love it and da da da, And it's also 0:00:59.320 --> 0:01:01.520 on all the lists, so thank you for that, all 0:01:01.560 --> 0:01:04.360 the best selling lists, audio lists. But I do want 0:01:04.360 --> 0:01:06.640 to say that's how I fucking talk, so like, I'm 0:01:06.680 --> 0:01:09.480 sorry that I talked fast, but if I were talking slowly, 0:01:09.560 --> 0:01:11.479 that wouldn't really be authentically who I am. 0:01:11.680 --> 0:01:13.480 And also, guess what, people can play it on point 0:01:13.520 --> 0:01:14.720 seventy five, so that's up to them. 0:01:14.800 --> 0:01:17.040 Oh they can slow it down. Yeah, yeah, So if 0:01:17.080 --> 0:01:18.000 you think I talked. 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:20.760 Too fast, welcome to my world. It's called I'll have 0:01:20.800 --> 0:01:22.480 what she's having In case you haven't heard. 0:01:22.480 --> 0:01:25.840 Yes, And then our next follow up comes from Aspen. 0:01:26.160 --> 0:01:27.280 She had called in. She was a. 0:01:27.280 --> 0:01:30.000 Hairdresser who called in on our Low Bosworth episode. She 0:01:30.080 --> 0:01:33.640 was in a career funk, and so she let us know. 0:01:33.959 --> 0:01:36.560 I've actually been meaning to follow up with y'all. It 0:01:36.640 --> 0:01:38.520 was kind of crazy. Actually, I had been in that 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:40.880 career slum for about a year when I emailed in. 0:01:41.319 --> 0:01:43.240 I really love where I work, but I needed a 0:01:43.280 --> 0:01:46.440 new challenge. Low and Chelsea really encouraged me to just 0:01:46.600 --> 0:01:49.000 settle in and enjoy my success, and I did just 0:01:49.120 --> 0:01:50.760 that for a few weeks. 0:01:50.960 --> 0:01:51.600 I shit you not. 0:01:51.720 --> 0:01:53.680 A few weeks after the chat, the women who own 0:01:53.760 --> 0:01:56.600 my salon offered me a twenty percent ownership of the 0:01:56.640 --> 0:02:01.360 company with a whole new set of responsibilities. Oh god, yes, 0:02:01.760 --> 0:02:04.080 I'll profit share with the rest of the ownership team 0:02:04.120 --> 0:02:06.240 as well. So it's safe to say my question was 0:02:06.280 --> 0:02:08.840 answered and the universe worked its magic, and now my 0:02:08.919 --> 0:02:11.360 next ten years are fully planned and booked. 0:02:11.560 --> 0:02:15.280 Thanks again, look at that and see if she had left, 0:02:15.320 --> 0:02:18.119 she would have never gotten that exactly, and that It's 0:02:18.160 --> 0:02:20.160 not usual that I tell people to sit where they 0:02:20.200 --> 0:02:22.640 are and enjoy it, right. Usually I might get the 0:02:22.639 --> 0:02:23.320 fuck out of there. 0:02:24.440 --> 0:02:26.200 No, but it's like, sometimes there's a little magic in 0:02:26.240 --> 0:02:27.280 the air happening on the show. 0:02:27.800 --> 0:02:29.840 You do think, so sometimes there's just magic in the 0:02:29.880 --> 0:02:31.959 air happening, So you got to really fucking look at it. 0:02:32.160 --> 0:02:33.919 Look up, but don't miss the rainbows. People. 0:02:36.000 --> 0:02:41.040 Well, our question today for our Minisoda comes from Gemma 0:02:41.120 --> 0:02:43.760 and Cameron. They're a husband and wife. Oh good, I 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:48.640 love couples. Yes, Gemma rights. Dear Chelsea. My relationship with 0:02:48.680 --> 0:02:52.359 my sister in law has always been complicated. For context, 0:02:52.400 --> 0:02:54.400 we're both in our early thirties and my husband is 0:02:54.440 --> 0:02:56.800 in his late thirties. Before we met, she said I 0:02:56.840 --> 0:02:59.480 wasn't pretty enough for her brother. When we met, she 0:02:59.520 --> 0:03:01.480 acted like she liked me and then went back to 0:03:01.560 --> 0:03:03.799 not liking me. I asked her if I had done 0:03:03.800 --> 0:03:06.040 anything wrong, and she said she was just protective of 0:03:06.080 --> 0:03:10.040 her brother and apologized. That was ten years ago. Since then, 0:03:10.080 --> 0:03:12.679 we've gone back and forth between having a good relationship 0:03:12.720 --> 0:03:15.440 and not speaking at all. Sometimes she's cool and fun 0:03:15.520 --> 0:03:18.080 to be around, and sometimes she's passive, aggressive, moody, and 0:03:18.120 --> 0:03:20.760 self centered. I've tried to do everything right, but I've 0:03:20.800 --> 0:03:23.720 always had to walk on eggshells with her. Last year, 0:03:23.760 --> 0:03:25.760 when we both got pregnant at the same time, she 0:03:25.800 --> 0:03:28.160 started reaching out to me regularly and we finally had 0:03:28.160 --> 0:03:30.720 a great relationship for the first time. I was so 0:03:30.880 --> 0:03:33.000 excited that we were on good terms and our babies 0:03:33.000 --> 0:03:35.600 could grow up together. We hung out multiple times and 0:03:35.640 --> 0:03:38.000 I thought her issues with me were finally in the past. 0:03:38.520 --> 0:03:40.440 Then we spent a weekend with my husband's family and 0:03:40.480 --> 0:03:42.800 things went south again. She told my husband that everyone 0:03:42.800 --> 0:03:45.000 in her family doesn't like me or how I treat him. 0:03:45.240 --> 0:03:48.480 I admit I can have an attitude, but nothing crazy. Nevertheless, 0:03:48.520 --> 0:03:50.760 I texted her a long apology and assured her it 0:03:50.760 --> 0:03:53.920 wouldn't happen again. She was understanding and seemed to forgive me, 0:03:54.200 --> 0:03:56.520 But since then, her passive aggressive behavior has made it 0:03:56.560 --> 0:03:59.080 obvious that she didn't forgive me. My husband had a 0:03:59.080 --> 0:04:01.320 serious conversation with her about it, and she admitted that 0:04:01.360 --> 0:04:04.040 she just doesn't like me and never has. I feel 0:04:04.080 --> 0:04:05.840 like she's been waiting for ten years for me to 0:04:05.880 --> 0:04:08.119 do something wrong and I finally did, and she's never 0:04:08.160 --> 0:04:08.880 going to let it go. 0:04:09.120 --> 0:04:11.120 Where do I go from here? What would Chelsea do? 0:04:12.360 --> 0:04:12.680 Hillo? 0:04:12.760 --> 0:04:18.359 Jemma and Cameron Hi, Okay, So, Jemma, what was the 0:04:18.440 --> 0:04:22.479 last infraction that you apologized for where she kind of 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:25.560 got what she was looking for from your version of things. 0:04:26.040 --> 0:04:29.480 So I didn't even know that I had done anything wrong. 0:04:29.600 --> 0:04:30.760 This was news to me. 0:04:31.600 --> 0:04:35.400 But I'm a very straightforward and blunt person, and if 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:38.200 my husband is irritating me, I'm going to tell him 0:04:38.200 --> 0:04:41.000 that he's irritating me. And so it was I feel 0:04:41.000 --> 0:04:43.320 like a situation like that, but it was just in 0:04:43.400 --> 0:04:46.160 front of her and I had a little bit of 0:04:46.200 --> 0:04:49.440 an attitude with him and she didn't like it, and 0:04:49.800 --> 0:04:52.680 so I apologize. I was like, you're right, Like, if 0:04:52.760 --> 0:04:55.560 I made you uncomfortable, I'm very sorry, Like I did 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:59.320 not mean to speak badly to my husband. I'll try 0:04:59.320 --> 0:05:01.239 to be more aware of what I'm doing and saying 0:05:01.320 --> 0:05:04.120 kind of thing, and I thought that everything. 0:05:03.760 --> 0:05:04.520 Was good after that. 0:05:05.240 --> 0:05:07.480 Yeah, right, well it sounds like this has been like 0:05:07.520 --> 0:05:10.200 an ongoing thing. Right, So she's touch and go hot 0:05:10.240 --> 0:05:13.200 and cold. And then so Cameron, what was your conversation 0:05:13.279 --> 0:05:14.039 with her after that? 0:05:14.520 --> 0:05:17.560 After that? And it was my sister, Well, my mom 0:05:17.600 --> 0:05:18.800 brought it to my attention. 0:05:18.480 --> 0:05:22.360 First, and then you know in what way she was. 0:05:22.320 --> 0:05:25.560 Just like, you know, your your sister's really uncomfortable with 0:05:26.040 --> 0:05:28.960 basically how he retreated that weekend. She tends to blow 0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:31.600 everything up like way out of proportion, Like I didn't 0:05:31.600 --> 0:05:33.360 even think it was. I didn't realize there was a problem. 0:05:33.360 --> 0:05:35.760 To be honest with you, nothing offended me, So I 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:38.359 don't know why she was so offended. She tends to 0:05:38.360 --> 0:05:41.520 be a little bit overprotective of me, just given how 0:05:41.600 --> 0:05:44.120 we grew up. You know, our my mom was a 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:46.440 flight attendant and there was it was really just her 0:05:46.440 --> 0:05:49.719 and I around a lot. So she's pretty protective. But 0:05:49.920 --> 0:05:53.920 it goes too far oftentimes. Yeah, and so it does 0:05:54.000 --> 0:05:56.800 get frustrating, and I've had serious conversations with her about it, 0:05:57.040 --> 0:05:59.600 but she seems just unwilling to change, and so it's 0:06:00.440 --> 0:06:02.760 it's making it hard to have a relationship and I 0:06:02.800 --> 0:06:04.599 get caught in the middle because I want to have 0:06:04.600 --> 0:06:06.440 a relationship with her and we want our daughters to 0:06:06.440 --> 0:06:09.320 have a relationship. But when she's not willing to forgive 0:06:09.400 --> 0:06:13.000 or makes all these passive aggressive comments constantly, it just 0:06:13.040 --> 0:06:13.760 makes it really hard. 0:06:14.200 --> 0:06:16.480 And she told you in this last conversation that your 0:06:16.480 --> 0:06:18.320 whole family doesn't like Gemma. 0:06:18.320 --> 0:06:20.839 Yeah, which is not true. It's just her trying to 0:06:20.839 --> 0:06:21.400 be hurtful. 0:06:22.000 --> 0:06:25.200 Of course, it sounds very immature, like somebody who's very 0:06:25.200 --> 0:06:26.560 I mean, it sounds like, first of. 0:06:26.560 --> 0:06:30.760 All, it's her problem. A how old are your kids 0:06:30.800 --> 0:06:33.920 now they're toddlers? Okay? 0:06:34.360 --> 0:06:37.160 And do they have a relationship with each other, your 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:38.720 kids and your sister's kids. 0:06:38.560 --> 0:06:41.440 I mean not at the moment because we don't see them. 0:06:41.440 --> 0:06:42.920 We're not going to make an effort to visit. 0:06:42.800 --> 0:06:43.960 Them, okay. 0:06:44.080 --> 0:06:46.760 And what's your sister's husband's situation. 0:06:46.920 --> 0:06:48.960 Does he just fall in line with what she thinks 0:06:49.040 --> 0:06:49.640 or what's that? 0:06:50.040 --> 0:06:51.320 Yeah, he stays out of it. 0:06:51.480 --> 0:06:57.040 Yeah, yeah. 0:06:57.120 --> 0:06:59.560 Well, I think it's kind of going to require a 0:06:59.560 --> 0:07:03.159 little bit of you guys being tough. You specifically Cameron, 0:07:03.200 --> 0:07:05.919 because of your relationship with your sister, you really have 0:07:06.000 --> 0:07:08.400 to kind of put your foot down and like lay 0:07:08.440 --> 0:07:11.640 it out, like, Okay, I'm not leaving my wife. This 0:07:11.680 --> 0:07:15.280 is my family. We have a child, So this is 0:07:15.360 --> 0:07:17.640 the way it's going to be. If you don't want 0:07:17.680 --> 0:07:20.720 to be in our lives, then that's something that we're 0:07:20.720 --> 0:07:22.760 going to have to have a conversation about. Because I'm 0:07:22.760 --> 0:07:24.840 not leaving my wife. I don't want to have to 0:07:24.920 --> 0:07:26.960 choose between my sister and my wife. And I don't 0:07:26.960 --> 0:07:28.680 think you want me to have to choose between my 0:07:28.760 --> 0:07:31.760 sister and my wife either. So this seems more like 0:07:31.800 --> 0:07:34.800 a you problem. Gemma doesn't have an issue with you. 0:07:35.160 --> 0:07:36.720 She has been trying for. 0:07:37.000 --> 0:07:38.080 Did you say ten years? 0:07:38.200 --> 0:07:38.400 Yeah? 0:07:38.560 --> 0:07:41.160 Yeah, ten years on and off, going in and out 0:07:41.200 --> 0:07:44.480 of this relationship, kind of basically being manipulated by this woman. 0:07:44.760 --> 0:07:47.480 When she feels friendly, she's friendly, and when she doesn't, 0:07:47.520 --> 0:07:47.840 she's not. 0:07:48.120 --> 0:07:50.559 Like it's not fair to you either, Gemma at all. 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:54.480 And you telling your husband that he's irritating you is 0:07:55.040 --> 0:07:58.360 very healthy in my opinion, regardless of who it's in 0:07:58.400 --> 0:08:01.200 front of, Like that is very hell rather than being 0:08:01.240 --> 0:08:04.000 passive aggressive you know what I mean, that's very direct. 0:08:04.080 --> 0:08:05.480 You're annoying me, please stop. 0:08:05.920 --> 0:08:08.040 So I think that it's a matter, and I don't 0:08:08.040 --> 0:08:10.080 think you should double team her in that sense, like 0:08:10.160 --> 0:08:12.760 I think Jemma, you should just stay out of it. 0:08:12.840 --> 0:08:15.640 You've tried hard enough. You have to kind of let 0:08:15.680 --> 0:08:19.560 her do her thing, and you're not going to ingratiate 0:08:19.600 --> 0:08:21.040 yourself towards her anymore. 0:08:21.240 --> 0:08:22.600 You've done it, you've done it. 0:08:22.680 --> 0:08:24.360 You've done it, you've done it, and now she wants 0:08:24.360 --> 0:08:26.400 to come back and say, everyone in my family doesn't 0:08:26.440 --> 0:08:29.360 like you. So that's her strikeout. She has struck out 0:08:29.440 --> 0:08:31.960 with you guys as a couple. So I think Cameron, 0:08:32.000 --> 0:08:34.560 it's really up to you to be like, listen, I've 0:08:34.600 --> 0:08:35.800 done a lot of soul searching. 0:08:35.920 --> 0:08:37.080 I've thought about this a lot. 0:08:37.240 --> 0:08:39.000 I've talked you know, if you guys want to talk 0:08:39.040 --> 0:08:42.319 to a professional therapist about it, you can. 0:08:42.640 --> 0:08:46.040 But I would intimate that you have spoken to like an. 0:08:45.960 --> 0:08:49.080 Outside party about it and be like, this is just 0:08:49.120 --> 0:08:49.880 so immature. 0:08:50.360 --> 0:08:51.840 We don't want to deal with this anymore. 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:54.240 We're trying to have a beautiful life and we want 0:08:54.480 --> 0:08:56.240 you to be a part of that life. But if 0:08:56.240 --> 0:08:58.120 you're going to tell me you don't like my wife 0:08:58.360 --> 0:09:01.199 and that you can't make efforts, then I don't know 0:09:01.280 --> 0:09:02.280 where we go from here. 0:09:02.400 --> 0:09:03.640 You know, you kind of have to lay it on 0:09:03.679 --> 0:09:06.000 the line that like she might lose you as a. 0:09:05.960 --> 0:09:09.160 Brother, whether you know whether you mean it or not, 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:11.000 Like it is kind of something you have to think 0:09:11.000 --> 0:09:13.560 about because and you both have young children that could 0:09:13.559 --> 0:09:16.280 be like spending time together and hanging out together and 0:09:16.360 --> 0:09:19.520 developing their cousinly bond. She's missing out on all of 0:09:19.559 --> 0:09:23.480 these opportunities by holding on to something from ten years 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:26.199 ago or however long she doesn't like you. 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:30.839 It's just it's it's not relevant right now. 0:09:31.440 --> 0:09:34.280 Thank you for validating that, because that's where I've been 0:09:34.320 --> 0:09:36.560 at for a long time, where I'm like, I just 0:09:36.600 --> 0:09:39.440 feel like I'm done, Like there's nothing else that I 0:09:39.480 --> 0:09:42.360 can say or do, and I haven't wanted to put 0:09:42.440 --> 0:09:45.640 him in the middle of it, but I also feel 0:09:45.640 --> 0:09:49.120 like that's really the only solution at this point. And 0:09:49.200 --> 0:09:52.319 I also just wonder, like what am I supposed to 0:09:52.400 --> 0:09:55.160 do after the fact, you know what I mean, Like 0:09:55.280 --> 0:09:59.040 how am I supposed to be into the same spaces 0:09:59.080 --> 0:10:02.280 with this person? And am I supposed to just keep 0:10:02.320 --> 0:10:05.800 eating shit and be friendly and pretend everything's all good? 0:10:06.559 --> 0:10:08.160 Or should I just ignore? 0:10:08.320 --> 0:10:11.040 Like I just don't know because I'm I know myself 0:10:11.120 --> 0:10:13.520 and I'm just like I'm a girl's girl. Like once 0:10:13.559 --> 0:10:17.280 we're sitting around drinking wine together, I'm gonna pretend that 0:10:17.360 --> 0:10:19.920 it all never happened and just be cool about it again, 0:10:20.360 --> 0:10:23.400 because I don't want to deal with drama, Like I. 0:10:23.320 --> 0:10:24.480 Don't care about that. 0:10:25.160 --> 0:10:29.480 So I feel like I never know how to address 0:10:29.520 --> 0:10:32.320 it because it's hard to address. 0:10:31.960 --> 0:10:34.000 A passive, aggressive person in the first one. 0:10:34.120 --> 0:10:36.480 Absolutely, absolutely, because it's dishonest. 0:10:36.920 --> 0:10:40.160 No, I can't have an honest conversation about it, and 0:10:40.559 --> 0:10:42.080 that's where I just have to do it. 0:10:42.240 --> 0:10:45.720 Yeah, We've had this before with different callers where most 0:10:45.760 --> 0:10:48.280 of the time, if it is your family member that's 0:10:48.360 --> 0:10:50.520 kind of acting up toward your partner, it is sort 0:10:50.520 --> 0:10:52.720 of like your role to go in. You understand the 0:10:52.720 --> 0:10:55.080 family dynamic better because you grew up in it, and 0:10:55.120 --> 0:10:58.839 like you, your family member will forgive a multitude of 0:10:58.920 --> 0:11:01.880 quote unquote sins, where as they might not for your partner, 0:11:02.040 --> 0:11:04.640 you know. So, Yeah, I do you think when that 0:11:04.720 --> 0:11:08.080 next conversation happens, it's on you? And I think, like 0:11:08.160 --> 0:11:10.640 Chelsea was saying, it's very immature, right, It's like I 0:11:10.679 --> 0:11:13.240 feel like your sister's in time out right now, treater 0:11:13.360 --> 0:11:15.680 like the toddler she's acting like. And then when it's 0:11:15.720 --> 0:11:17.959 time to maybe come out of time out, you can 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:18.880 have that conversation. 0:11:19.160 --> 0:11:20.320 We want you in our life. 0:11:20.400 --> 0:11:22.120 But the boundary is you're not allowed to say mean 0:11:22.160 --> 0:11:23.280 shit time wife. 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:25.240 Yeah, you're not allowed to say mean shit or and 0:11:25.280 --> 0:11:27.240 be passive aggressive to my wife. This is the partner 0:11:27.280 --> 0:11:30.200 I've chosen. This is my wife. We're not getting a divorce. 0:11:30.720 --> 0:11:32.920 I have a child with her. We are a family. 0:11:33.240 --> 0:11:34.720 Do you want to be part of that or do 0:11:34.760 --> 0:11:36.360 you not want to be part of that? This is 0:11:36.400 --> 0:11:38.760 a choice on you. You get to decide. You're not 0:11:38.880 --> 0:11:42.040 saying you're not excommunicating her, You're telling her to make 0:11:42.080 --> 0:11:44.439 the decision. And when she does make the decision, these 0:11:44.440 --> 0:11:46.760 are the boundaries that are now in place because of 0:11:46.760 --> 0:11:49.040 her ongoing ten year behavior. 0:11:49.320 --> 0:11:50.920 So it's now pathological. 0:11:51.080 --> 0:11:53.280 She's done this over and over again and because she's 0:11:53.280 --> 0:11:55.479 a baby, And you can have this in a conversation, 0:11:55.600 --> 0:11:57.440 you could say it in an email. You know, you 0:11:57.440 --> 0:11:59.640 don't have to do it immediately, but you do have 0:11:59.640 --> 0:12:02.480 to stay up for Gemma. And in a way that's 0:12:02.520 --> 0:12:05.280 like not threatening, but like we're just not interested in 0:12:05.400 --> 0:12:08.079 communicating like this anymore and dealing with this. Well, we 0:12:08.160 --> 0:12:11.000 don't want to have every family gathering Gemma leaving and 0:12:11.040 --> 0:12:14.080 wondering what she did wrong or having to apologize for something. 0:12:14.480 --> 0:12:17.000 I'm fine with the way she treats me. I love her, 0:12:17.320 --> 0:12:20.200 I appreciate her directness. I don't see it the way 0:12:20.200 --> 0:12:22.120 that you see it. I don't feel like I'm being 0:12:22.200 --> 0:12:24.760 abused in my marriage, you know, all of those things, 0:12:25.160 --> 0:12:27.800 like it's just silly, Like what's her endgame here to 0:12:27.800 --> 0:12:31.040 get you guys to get divorced? You know you should 0:12:31.040 --> 0:12:33.520 ask her that. Yeah, but you should ask her that. Cameron, 0:12:33.559 --> 0:12:35.400 you should go, I'm sorry, what are you trying to do? 0:12:35.400 --> 0:12:36.640 Do you think you're going to get me to get 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:39.320 to divorce? That's not going to happen. So there's either 0:12:39.440 --> 0:12:42.160 you can move in to accept it. Maybe she should 0:12:42.200 --> 0:12:44.280 talk to someone. I mean that usually sounds a little 0:12:44.320 --> 0:12:46.520 bit patronizing when you tell someone to talk to someone, 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:49.479 But I think you can say that all without being patronized. 0:12:49.480 --> 0:12:52.839 It just like we've kind of had enough, And I 0:12:52.880 --> 0:12:55.520 also think it wouldn't be wrong to share it with 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:58.959 your family. This is how we're feeling, and it doesn't 0:12:59.000 --> 0:13:02.120 feel good when we a family gathering, it doesn't feel 0:13:02.120 --> 0:13:04.719 good like we're you know, and reminding them of your 0:13:04.760 --> 0:13:07.720 togetherness so that they realize and then they can talk 0:13:07.760 --> 0:13:10.160 amongst each other and be like, Okay, we're just gonna 0:13:10.200 --> 0:13:13.040 have to do better, you know, hopefully is the outcome. 0:13:13.280 --> 0:13:15.640 And I think with your parents' influence, if they're kind 0:13:15.640 --> 0:13:18.200 of normal, are your parents pretty even keeled. 0:13:17.960 --> 0:13:21.960 Or they cool? Are they going to side with her? 0:13:22.080 --> 0:13:22.160 Like? 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:23.960 Is that what the mind is as well? 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:26.720 My mom probably will, but I mean she also listens 0:13:26.760 --> 0:13:28.320 to me, so if I if I bring it to 0:13:28.360 --> 0:13:32.120 her attention in a non emotional manner, I think that 0:13:32.120 --> 0:13:34.000 she'll actually hear what I'm saying. 0:13:34.640 --> 0:13:37.000 Yeah, And I think maybe it's an email that you 0:13:37.120 --> 0:13:38.880 or a conversation that you have with your mom and 0:13:38.960 --> 0:13:41.440 your sister so that they have some that they can 0:13:41.520 --> 0:13:44.160 have a conversation about it after and where they could 0:13:44.160 --> 0:13:47.000 come to an agreement. You're not making my life easier. 0:13:47.040 --> 0:13:50.640 You're making my life harder. Is that what you want? Like, 0:13:50.720 --> 0:13:52.760 you're making my life more difficult because now I have 0:13:52.800 --> 0:13:53.640 to think about. 0:13:53.720 --> 0:13:55.160 Do I want to see you guys? 0:13:55.320 --> 0:13:55.440 Like? 0:13:55.520 --> 0:13:58.400 This is not fun. You guys are steering me away 0:13:58.480 --> 0:13:59.920 from you. 0:13:59.320 --> 0:14:00.960 You know what I mean. Don't put any of the 0:14:01.000 --> 0:14:01.840 blame on her. 0:14:02.080 --> 0:14:04.400 Put the blame on the people that are acting that 0:14:04.440 --> 0:14:07.920 way towards her. Like, it's not their job to decide 0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:10.600 whether or not you're being respected in your relationship. You're 0:14:10.640 --> 0:14:13.840 not being abused your child children, you're not in danger. 0:14:14.040 --> 0:14:15.439 Your child is not in danger. 0:14:15.760 --> 0:14:18.280 Someone's saying that you're annoying or you know the way, 0:14:18.400 --> 0:14:21.440 get over it. I'm with her, like, yeah, it's not 0:14:21.480 --> 0:14:23.240 a problem for you, So why is it a problem 0:14:23.280 --> 0:14:26.280 for them? And lay it down so that they feel 0:14:26.320 --> 0:14:29.360 like they have to make a decision about this and 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:32.360 like come together and end it in love, you know, 0:14:32.560 --> 0:14:35.200 like I really love you, guys. I really hope that 0:14:35.320 --> 0:14:38.520 this conversation will change the dynamic between us. And you 0:14:38.520 --> 0:14:40.920 can reiterate. She's just like take it or leave it. 0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:42.440 She's like, I can see your family or not see 0:14:42.440 --> 0:14:44.760 your face. It's you that has the problem with it, 0:14:44.840 --> 0:14:46.720 so that they can't pin anything more on her. 0:14:47.280 --> 0:14:48.680 Yep, yeah, I agree. 0:14:48.760 --> 0:14:51.120 I think that's great advice. Make him do all the work. 0:14:52.720 --> 0:14:55.160 Yeah, well, I mean I have a situation like this 0:14:55.280 --> 0:14:58.280 with my family, my sister in law. She's not passive aggressive, 0:14:58.320 --> 0:15:01.120 but she's annoying. She's not passed aggressive, but her belief 0:15:01.120 --> 0:15:01.720 system is. 0:15:01.680 --> 0:15:04.560 Not like my own. And I've come to the end 0:15:04.600 --> 0:15:05.120 of my rope. 0:15:05.200 --> 0:15:07.960 I have extended my generosity, I have done everything that 0:15:08.000 --> 0:15:09.960 I could to be a good sister in law and 0:15:10.120 --> 0:15:10.680 I'm wrapped. 0:15:10.880 --> 0:15:11.480 I'm done. 0:15:11.840 --> 0:15:14.800 So like I I can relate to the situation. It's 0:15:14.840 --> 0:15:18.640 completely different circumstances. But yeah, it's not your problem. It's 0:15:18.640 --> 0:15:20.360 not your family. You know what I mean. I mean 0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:22.600 it is your family, but it's not your family. You know, 0:15:22.680 --> 0:15:24.680 you married into this family. You don't deserve to be 0:15:24.720 --> 0:15:26.920 treated that way, especially when you love your husband. 0:15:27.120 --> 0:15:28.960 And especially when you are at the chill girl who's like, 0:15:29.000 --> 0:15:31.600 I'll just get over it. You don't, yes, exactly, like 0:15:31.680 --> 0:15:33.280 you can take this and move on. You don't need 0:15:33.320 --> 0:15:34.680 to come to Jesus with them. 0:15:34.840 --> 0:15:37.960 Just act normal and be normal and consistent, like not 0:15:38.120 --> 0:15:41.560 gotten cold. It's not fair. That's abusive. Being hot and 0:15:41.600 --> 0:15:43.440 cold is manipulative and abusive. 0:15:44.200 --> 0:15:46.880 Yeah, so what do you do, Chelsea when you're around 0:15:46.920 --> 0:15:48.360 your sister in law now? 0:15:48.480 --> 0:15:52.320 Because I ignore her, you ignore you ignore her. You 0:15:52.360 --> 0:15:54.760 don't have to do anything, You don't have to play nice. 0:15:55.200 --> 0:15:57.920 You just she's in a room and you guys are 0:15:57.960 --> 0:15:58.800 all in a conversation. 0:15:58.920 --> 0:15:59.440 That's great. 0:15:59.760 --> 0:16:02.360 You have to engage with her one on one. You 0:16:02.400 --> 0:16:03.520 don't have to do anything. 0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:05.880 Don't go out of your way. You're done doing that. 0:16:06.240 --> 0:16:08.880 If she wants to come to you and actually make 0:16:09.000 --> 0:16:12.760 moves to be friendly and do, then great, reciprocate, but 0:16:12.800 --> 0:16:15.760 don't bend over backwards for her anymore. That's what she wants, 0:16:15.840 --> 0:16:17.600 and she knows she's got the upper hand because she's 0:16:17.640 --> 0:16:22.360 the sister. Mm hmm, ok, agreed, So let her be 0:16:22.960 --> 0:16:24.840 whatever she wants to be. You don't have to be 0:16:24.920 --> 0:16:27.880 involved with her anymore until she comes around and has 0:16:27.920 --> 0:16:31.800 a more sensible intention with you. And actually, and as 0:16:31.880 --> 0:16:35.080 sincere one, you know, anyone who gets offended by people 0:16:35.080 --> 0:16:39.920 who are direct are are They're not direct? No, it's 0:16:40.000 --> 0:16:43.880 just that's not a threat. That's actually a shortcut, you 0:16:43.920 --> 0:16:46.400 know what I mean. Being direct is a real shortcut 0:16:46.440 --> 0:16:49.560 in life. So anyone who's threatened by that is like, Okay, 0:16:49.640 --> 0:16:50.920 then you've got your own problems. 0:16:51.400 --> 0:16:54.200 Yeah, I mean I've always told myself that that I'm like, 0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:54.920 this is. 0:16:55.000 --> 0:16:58.040 Her own issue, it's not me. It's just a reflection 0:16:58.200 --> 0:16:59.760 of God. You know all that. 0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:02.800 But my problem is that, like I said in the letter, 0:17:02.960 --> 0:17:06.479 like when she's being cool, she is really cool, But 0:17:06.520 --> 0:17:09.040