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Speaker 1: If you're really interested in finding out who you are

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Speaker 1: as a person, you have to know your history. And

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Speaker 1: I'm not just talking about your family history. Mm hm.

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Speaker 1: I felt that for me, as it pertains to generational traumas,

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Speaker 1: the glazing over of such events. It's absolutely shipped to me. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us

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Speaker 1: from posting funny videos without boys and reading each other

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Speaker 1: publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you

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Speaker 1: need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing

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Speaker 1: to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast

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Speaker 1: to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,

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Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the

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Speaker 1: lens of a millennium married couple. Then adds to the

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Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say

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Speaker 1: dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,

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Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillows

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Speaker 1: off to our whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 1: So I know typically to story time and it's funny,

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Speaker 1: it's comedic, but for some reason, like I was not

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Speaker 1: in the mood to be funny today, and I always

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Speaker 1: try to find humor or just as a way for

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Speaker 1: people to digest our topics. But in this particular case,

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Speaker 1: I don't think there's anything funny about what we can discuss.

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Speaker 1: So and speaking about generational traumas, I'm going to talk

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Speaker 1: about how my children, uh kind of shine a light

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Speaker 1: on me to realize what I was doing and what

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Speaker 1: I wasn't doing properly as a father. And it comes

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Speaker 1: down to a time where you and I were walking

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Speaker 1: down the street and Jack's and was I think he

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Speaker 1: was about four. We're walking down New York Avenue. We

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Speaker 1: were coming back on the train and Jackson had said

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Speaker 1: something slick out of his mouth, and I had said,

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Speaker 1: I had said to him, like, you know, you need

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Speaker 1: to watch your mouth, and he said something slick again,

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Speaker 1: and at that point I had already decided in my

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Speaker 1: mind that he was gonna get his ass whooped. You remember,

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Speaker 1: So I remember you looking at me, and I looked

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Speaker 1: at you and I said, all right, today is the day.

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Speaker 1: Because we typically don't um raise our kids with corporal

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Speaker 1: punishment like that was something that we decided because we

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Speaker 1: both grew up in UH Baptist Church. That's where we

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Speaker 1: met when we were young, and we grew up with

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Speaker 1: corporate punishment of school. We grew up in school that

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Speaker 1: was a Baptist church school, Fling Baptis Academy, and they

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Speaker 1: used corporal punishment to discipline kids. So you and I

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Speaker 1: felt like we didn't want to deal with that because

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Speaker 1: you know, we dealt with it and we remember how

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Speaker 1: it felt. But in that moment, I felt Jackson was

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Speaker 1: being disrespectful. He needed to be told a lesson. So

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Speaker 1: I remember going upstairs and you know, he was like, well,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna let you do what you do, because you

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Speaker 1: know you typically let me do that when it comes

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Speaker 1: to Jackson, and this was our only child at the time,

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Speaker 1: and I remember saying, you know, having a conversation with

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Speaker 1: but I was gonna give you a spanking. And I

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Speaker 1: remember hitting him with my hand two times on his

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Speaker 1: butt and him just like looking at me, and he

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Speaker 1: was almost five at the time, hitting at me because

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Speaker 1: I know I was pulling back because I don't want

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Speaker 1: to hurt him, but he was looking at me like

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Speaker 1: he wasn't gonna cry. So then my first instant was

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Speaker 1: to grab the belt because now I'm upset because I'm

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Speaker 1: trying to do this without hurting you. But you're looking

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Speaker 1: at me with this smug look on your face. So

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Speaker 1: now I'm gonna go grab the belt. And when I

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Speaker 1: went to go grab the belt, I remember the feeling

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Speaker 1: I had when my father used to telling me to

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Speaker 1: go grab the belt, and you know, you go into

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Speaker 1: closet and you got to get the right belt because

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Speaker 1: he makes you pick the belt. If you pick the small,

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Speaker 1: skinny belt, he's gonna send you back and you're gonna

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Speaker 1: get more licks. So I remember going to grab the

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Speaker 1: belt and thinking to myself, like, this is just so wrong.

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Speaker 1: And at that moment, I said, Jackson, go sit in

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Speaker 1: your room, don't turn on the TV, keep the lights on,

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Speaker 1: and just sitting here. And I remember sitting him sitting

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Speaker 1: in the room and coming out to you and say,

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Speaker 1: I don't know what to do. I'm kind of lost.

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Speaker 1: And then you're like what you mean, And I said, well,

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Speaker 1: I hit him, but I don't want to hit him

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Speaker 1: any harder. But I don't know what to do. And

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Speaker 1: it was at that moment that I realized that whipping

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Speaker 1: your kids as a generational curse, you know, like that's

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Speaker 1: something that we don't have to do, but because that's

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Speaker 1: what was done to me, that's the only way I

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Speaker 1: knew how to parent, and I realized at that point

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Speaker 1: I had to figure out another way to get through

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Speaker 1: to Jackson. So family history, family curses, family secrets are

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Speaker 1: all pretty much terms that describe generational trauma from having

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Speaker 1: ancestors who were once enslaved or having a parent who

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Speaker 1: survived physical abuse as a child, the effects of traumatic

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Speaker 1: events that can be passed down from generation to generation

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Speaker 1: through behaviors, through practices, and even, believe it or not,

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Speaker 1: hormones passed from mother to baby during pregnancy and um.

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Speaker 1: While we can't change our past, learning what experiences affected

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Speaker 1: the way we operate within our family units and our

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Speaker 1: communities on a more larger platform can certainly help us

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Speaker 1: change the future. That's what we hope. UM. So, going

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Speaker 1: back to your story time, it's funny because I do

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Speaker 1: remember that situation. I do remember Jack and getting smart

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Speaker 1: and being light man. This little boy is just as

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Speaker 1: much as Sagittarius as he is an aries because the

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Speaker 1: smart talk back. Those are definitely things that I did

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Speaker 1: as a child, or I tempted to do all I

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Speaker 1: didn't do it because my mother would not let me

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Speaker 1: live to see you to day However, I do remember

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Speaker 1: having those moments where I just wanted to just like

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Speaker 1: talk back and just lash out. So seeing a little

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Speaker 1: bit of that injection made me feel like, this is

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Speaker 1: definitely the combination of you and I, you know, because

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Speaker 1: I even think about how he did. Our debates and

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Speaker 1: arguments get sometimes and how much we just want to

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Speaker 1: side at each other. Um. But what struck me and

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Speaker 1: that was you reverting back to what you knew or

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Speaker 1: experienced as a child with your father when you said,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I remember the feeling I felt when

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Speaker 1: my father made me go get the belt, and then

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Speaker 1: you going to get a belt for Jackson or having

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Speaker 1: him thinking about too, Like, tell me a little bit

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Speaker 1: more about what that felt like for you in that moment. Well,

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Speaker 1: I mean I remember speaking to my grandmother because I

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Speaker 1: was a very smart, outlet type of kid, and I

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Speaker 1: remember one time in particular, Um, we we used to pray,

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Speaker 1: and my grandmother said, you know, she had this thing

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Speaker 1: and it's a scripture. I don't remember the scripture, but

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Speaker 1: it says when three or four enter into the Great,

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Speaker 1: into the presence of God and ask for something through prayer,

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Speaker 1: God will grant it. I remember her asking me too.

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Speaker 1: She said, we need to do outside and clean the yard.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, well, since you said the three

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Speaker 1: or four of us enter into prayer, that will happened,

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Speaker 1: how can we can't just pray that the yard be

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Speaker 1: cleaning and be cleaned. So right, being typical smartass, my

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Speaker 1: grandmother picked up the fly swater pop hit me with

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Speaker 1: the fly swater and told me to take my ass

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Speaker 1: outside and clean the yard. So after a while, me

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Speaker 1: and my my nana, she we had a very good relationship,

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Speaker 1: Like we used to sit up and talk as I

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Speaker 1: got to be a teenager, and I said, Nana, why

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Speaker 1: you used to just hit us all the time, Like

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Speaker 1: why why was it that your first inclination was to

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Speaker 1: hit us? And he she said, you know, well, I

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Speaker 1: grew up in the South, and you know, black boys

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Speaker 1: were not allowed to speak to adults. Children would be

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Speaker 1: seen and not heard. And I was just like, okay,

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Speaker 1: I understand that, but why she said, well, I grew

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Speaker 1: up during the time where if you were a little

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Speaker 1: black girl boy a little black girl, but a little

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Speaker 1: black boy in particular, and you got disrespectful, you could

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Speaker 1: be either hanging from a tree or drag behind a

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Speaker 1: truck so it was her responsibility because we were now

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Speaker 1: growing up with her in Tennessee Mortown, Tennessee in the South,

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Speaker 1: to make sure that my parents kids, My parents got

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Speaker 1: their children back at the end of the summer. So

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Speaker 1: the way you typically teach children back in the day

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Speaker 1: was through pain. So she used to say to us,

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Speaker 1: he who does not hear will feel that used to

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Speaker 1: she used to say that all the time because you

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Speaker 1: don't want to feel it. And she grew up. You know,

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Speaker 1: her parents grew up with money, and she was one

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Speaker 1: of the black people in the in the community who

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Speaker 1: had money. Her father owned fields. Other black people pick

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Speaker 1: cotton for her father. He drove a Cadillac back in

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Speaker 1: the day. He that's where she came from. But she

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Speaker 1: grew up during that time where even if you were

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Speaker 1: predominant one of one of black people from influence, you

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Speaker 1: still had to fear for your life. So they parented

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Speaker 1: their children through fear. So it was I do not

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Speaker 1: want you to die. So if you do anything outside

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Speaker 1: of what I think is right as a child, you're

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Speaker 1: donna get hit because if you get hit, then you'll

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Speaker 1: straighten up, and that comes from post traumatic slave syndrome.

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Speaker 1: If you want to keep people in check. You keep

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Speaker 1: them in check through fear and through pain, which was

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Speaker 1: a trauma that was passed down from generation to generation

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Speaker 1: to generation. And here it is now, the ninety nineties

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Speaker 1: and my grandmother is explaining to me the reason why

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Speaker 1: she was the way she was because that's what was

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Speaker 1: passed down to her from her parents. And that's when

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Speaker 1: I realized, like, so, we don't have to hit our

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Speaker 1: kids to teach them how to listen. We choose to

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Speaker 1: because that's all we know. She didn't know any other way.

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Speaker 1: So that's what she did to her kids and my father,

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Speaker 1: And I'm not gonna lie. My parents were probably the

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Speaker 1: first in our family to start moving away from corporal punishment. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I would say it was it's safe to say the

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Speaker 1: same thing with my same thing. Right when she got

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Speaker 1: to the eighties and the nineties, it was like a

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Speaker 1: renaissance of black intellect, and it was like we became

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Speaker 1: more cultured and we tried different things in different ways

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Speaker 1: to get things through to our children. So there are

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Speaker 1: still a lot of people who believe in spirit of

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Speaker 1: the rod and spoil the child. So I've heard that

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Speaker 1: it's also like a parenting strategy that may still be

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Speaker 1: you know, in use for some people. Well, I mean,

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Speaker 1: it also depends on your ability to make mistakes. Right.

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Speaker 1: So for example, if you're a young white man in America,

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Speaker 1: you make a mistake is slap only it's not that

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Speaker 1: big a deal. You're a young black man in America,

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Speaker 1: you make a mistake, gas can be locked up or

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Speaker 1: you can be dead. So you figured a couple that

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Speaker 1: with the fact that the majority of people who I'm

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Speaker 1: discussing my family grew up either in poverty or right

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Speaker 1: above poverty. Socio economic conditions give you even more trauma

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Speaker 1: because now you're dealing with the militarization of the police

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Speaker 1: force in your neighborhoods. So now that that fear of

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Speaker 1: being taken to jail a murder is now tenfold because

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Speaker 1: before it was my grandparents should tell me you worried

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Speaker 1: about the KKK, You worried about the white boys coming

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Speaker 1: down and you know, coming down and grabbing one of

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Speaker 1: your kids. But now legally the police can come to

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Speaker 1: your neighborhood and just take your kids, take you to jail,

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Speaker 1: beat you, shoot you, ask questions later. Absolutely, and these

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Speaker 1: are traumas that traumas that we as black people have

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Speaker 1: to deal with and have dealt with since the dawn

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Speaker 1: of time. Right, so even with the evolution of time,

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Speaker 1: is clear that there are certain things that still remain.

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Speaker 1: It might have been the KKK then, but now some

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Speaker 1: people are feeling like it's the police that we're contending

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Speaker 1: with and black people being more susceptible to these issues

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Speaker 1: because of economic issues, because of systemic and systematic um

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Speaker 1: racism and oppression and all that. Um. You know, it's

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Speaker 1: it's crazy because trauma kind of shows itself in so

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Speaker 1: many different forms and I almost feel like an episode

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Speaker 1: like today's episode can touch on certain parts of trauma,

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Speaker 1: but there are other ones that we can dive into. Um.

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Speaker 1: But let's just talk about trauma in general, right. UM. Sadly,

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Speaker 1: most people, even some mental health therapists, struggle to understand,

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Speaker 1: you know, what is emotional and psychological trauma? Like what

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Speaker 1: is it? Because it affects about of the United States,

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Speaker 1: which is pretty pretty big when you think about it.

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Speaker 1: That's a quarter of the entire population, um, and that's

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Speaker 1: a child population and about six of adults. So UM.

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Speaker 1: Some of the causes of trauma can be you know,

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Speaker 1: losing a loved one, it can be a natural disaster,

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Speaker 1: living with a parent or partner that misuses substances. UM.

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Speaker 1: What else do we have severe illnesses? And there's so

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Speaker 1: many different things witnessing acts of violence. So when we

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Speaker 1: experience any kind of trauma, we have both, you know,

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Speaker 1: an emotional reaction, some people are physical, sometimes both UM.

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Speaker 1: And this can be looked at as like anxiety, trouble sleeping,

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Speaker 1: feeling disconnected, UM, feeling confused, having intrusive thoughts, or just

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Speaker 1: worthdrawing from others. It can kind of rare itself in

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Speaker 1: different forms. UM. And in children, this can look like

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Speaker 1: attempting to avoid school. UM, stomach aches. You know, you

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Speaker 1: have that child that's always sick, not feeling well. UM,

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Speaker 1: that's probably a sign to dive deeper into what their

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Speaker 1: home life is like. UM problem sleeping, eating, anger, you know,

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Speaker 1: showing out UM, attention seeking behaviors. UM. So transitioning back

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Speaker 1: to post traumatic slave syndrome. And what exactly is intergenerational

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Speaker 1: trauma because that's very specific to the Black community. UM

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Speaker 1: into generational trauma is more of a psychological term that

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Speaker 1: argues that trauma can be transferred from generations to generations

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Speaker 1: or between generations. Um, much like what you said with

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Speaker 1: the story of your grandmother passing that down to your

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Speaker 1: dad and then to you, and then slowly us kind

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Speaker 1: of gravitating away from that. So after our first generation

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Speaker 1: of survivors experienced the trauma, they're often able to transfer

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Speaker 1: to their children, other generations, other offspring. And it's also

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Speaker 1: maladaptive behaviors and patterns that are passed down from children,

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Speaker 1: or rather from parents to children and then passed to

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Speaker 1: the children's children. So so I think it's important for

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Speaker 1: people to understand why everything you just said is so important. Right,

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Speaker 1: And I'm gonna give you some historical context. Um, after

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Speaker 1: the Great Depression, the New Deal was created, right, and

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Speaker 1: so was f h f H was created with the

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Speaker 1: Fair Housing Act so that we can create more homes

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Speaker 1: because there weren't enough homes for people. But you know,

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Speaker 1: the f h A also made it so that they

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Speaker 1: created redlining, which means they gave contractors huge subsidies and

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Speaker 1: discounts for creating great rural, white suburban neighborhoods. But while

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Speaker 1: they gave them these subsidies, the one catch was you

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Speaker 1: cannot sell these homes two black families. So think about

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying the government created the f h A.

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Speaker 1: This is after the new deal, all this money is

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Speaker 1: going to subcut to contractors to create homes, so you

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Speaker 1: can create beautiful homes, beautiful communities. We're gonna push all

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Speaker 1: of the white people, the middle class white people into

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Speaker 1: these homes so that we can help boost the economy. Right,

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Speaker 1: all of the black people were going to push them

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Speaker 1: into the ghettos. Right, this is what red lining is, right,

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Speaker 1: and what are the ghettos? The ghettos typically mean you

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Speaker 1: may have some homes. But what the fh A also

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Speaker 1: did was said we're not going to ensure the mortgages

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Speaker 1: on the homes of black families, which means you can

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Speaker 1: go buy a home, you can own a home. If

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Speaker 1: you lose your home, we won't ensure it. If things

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Speaker 1: happen in your community, we're not going to ensure those mortgages.

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Speaker 1: So if your homes, homes get burned down, which a

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Speaker 1: lot of times think about Tulsa, Oklahoma. They were burned

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Speaker 1: down because sometimes mobs came in and burned down whole neighborhoods.

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Speaker 1: So and the reason why I say that because people

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Speaker 1: need to understand once you've created redlining and you pushed

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Speaker 1: all of these black people who were freed from slavery,

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Speaker 1: made it through reconstruction, were able to pull themselves up

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Speaker 1: by the bootstraps, get jobs, and create families. Now you

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Speaker 1: push them into the ghettos. In those ghettos, you militarize

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Speaker 1: the police, you have poor health care, you have poor everything.

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Speaker 1: You put all these black people in this area and

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Speaker 1: then you say, oh, y'all a poor, uneducated people. Do

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Speaker 1: you know what kind of trauma comes from living in

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Speaker 1: that type of environment where you fear what's outside of

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Speaker 1: that neighborhood, but then have to survive within that neighborhood.

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Speaker 1: Because also with with everything that happened with redlining, there

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Speaker 1: were laws created to villainize and criminalize black people. So

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Speaker 1: they were finding reasons to lock people up and use

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Speaker 1: black people for convict leasing. If you look up what

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Speaker 1: convict leasing is. Convict leasing was the new form of

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Speaker 1: slavery pretty much. They used a Vagrancy Act of eighteen

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Speaker 1: sixty six. They used a Vagrancy Act to say, you

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Speaker 1: know what, anybody who was homeless, couldn't read, couldn't write,

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Speaker 1: or didn't own property was a vagrant. So after slavery,

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Speaker 1: so after was that black people people free. So now

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Speaker 1: you lock these people up and now they have to

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Speaker 1: work for free because they leased them out to private

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Speaker 1: companies to do the same labor they were doing their slaves.

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Speaker 1: So all of this trauma is happening to black people

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Speaker 1: underneath the the government, the gods of the government, freedom,

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Speaker 1: the gods of freedom, right, and they disguised it as freedom.

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Speaker 1: They disguised it as freedom. This is where they pushed

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Speaker 1: the black people. Right now. You have all of this

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Speaker 1: going on, a lot of trauma happens because socio economically,

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Speaker 1: when you're poor, you make poor decisions. Absolutely. You know,

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Speaker 1: it's so funny when people, um particularly white people who

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Speaker 1: don't understand history, say that racism doesn't exist, none of

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Speaker 1: this is happening. What do they mean everybody has the

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Speaker 1: opportunity to work. That's probably the most seen thing I've

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Speaker 1: seen from some of my some of my Facebook I

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Speaker 1: don't even want to say Facebook friends anymore, because it's

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Speaker 1: just literally people who have known throughout my life that

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Speaker 1: I'm just like, oh my goodness, I knew you as

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Speaker 1: a child to be like a really nice white person,

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Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, I'm like, that's how you're

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Speaker 1: really thinking now, but saying that everyone has just go

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Speaker 1: get a job, and it's just that simple to get

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Speaker 1: a job, not really understanding the history behind it. Remember

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Speaker 1: you said you have a conversation recently with another white counterparty.

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Speaker 1: It literally did not know the of Abraham Lincoln and

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Speaker 1: the Civil War. It was a white friend of mine

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Speaker 1: who did not know that the Revolutionary War and the

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Speaker 1: Civil War with two different things. Did not understand what

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Speaker 1: the Confederate army was the flags. Had no clue When

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Speaker 1: I explained to him that the Confederacy wanted to separate

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Speaker 1: from the Union because they wanted to continue slavery, he

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Speaker 1: had no clue. And after having this conversation, he said, wow,

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Speaker 1: because he never really paid attention and it wasn't taught

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Speaker 1: intensively in schools. So think about it when people aren't

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Speaker 1: taught this history and then we call it history like

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Speaker 1: slavery or slavery was so long ago. People came to Jamestown.

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Speaker 1: The slaves came to Jamestown in sixteen nineteen. That was

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Speaker 1: four hundred years ago, right. The Vagrancy Act was eighteen

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Speaker 1: sixty six. Oh, that was over a hundred and sixty

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Speaker 1: years ago. The Fairhousing Act did after the Great Depression

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Speaker 1: that was the n a long time ago. Redlining still

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Speaker 1: exists today. If you and I were to go try

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Speaker 1: to buy a home in Long Island, New York, we

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Speaker 1: will be pushed to certain neighborhoods today. People don't understand

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Speaker 1: that in the neighborhoods we will be pushed through Today,

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Speaker 1: the taxes will be lower, the school systems will be worse,

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Speaker 1: the groceries will be worse. Everything will be worse, which

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Speaker 1: creates trauma for our families. Also, when you move into

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Speaker 1: neighborhoods where poverty exists, crime happens. It's inevitable, it's inevitable,

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Speaker 1: and crime brings trauma. I mean. Research indicates that I

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Speaker 1: mean families living in urban you know, poverty stricken um areas,

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Speaker 1: they associate a lot of the hardship of depleted resources,

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Speaker 1: like you said, burdens of like high stress, um incivilities,

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Speaker 1: and exposure to multiple traumas because ethnic groups are over represented.

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Speaker 1: And it makes sense, doesn't it Though it does, It

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Speaker 1: doesn't make sense because if socio economics really defined where

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Speaker 1: we are as people, right, and you hear people say, uh,

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Speaker 1: one percent of the population control of the world's wealth,

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Speaker 1: that means there are a vast amount of people in

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Speaker 1: the world who are not happy with their place in life.

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Speaker 1: So but even with those people, you push a certain

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Speaker 1: you marginalize a certain group of people, typically black people

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Speaker 1: or people of color, because not all people of color

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Speaker 1: are created equal, but black people in particular. Then you

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Speaker 1: wonder why there's so much trauma and so much post

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Speaker 1: traumatic slave trauma in our families. It's because of these issues,

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Speaker 1: and it's important for we as black people to understand

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Speaker 1: our true history, to understand why we are the way

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Speaker 1: we are, because we say we were our hardest. We're

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Speaker 1: hardest on each other. You hear you hear black men

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Speaker 1: say all the time, black women are hard to deal with.

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Speaker 1: You hear black women say all the time. Black men

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Speaker 1: don't love us, they don't protect us. If we understood

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Speaker 1: history and how we got to this place with so

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Speaker 1: much trauma, we would understand how to give each other

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Speaker 1: some grace. You understand what I'm saying, No, I understand.

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Speaker 1: That's exactly what came to mind when when you mentioned that, Um,

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Speaker 1: it's literally not just the fight that black people have

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Speaker 1: against everyone else, but the fight that we have within

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Speaker 1: our own communities. That's black man against black man, black

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Speaker 1: woman against black women, black man against black woman. You know,

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Speaker 1: there's there's that deep rooted um trauma that's now spilling

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Speaker 1: over into it. And it really makes me think about

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Speaker 1: how much truth there is to the fact that people

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Speaker 1: are stating now that black women don't feel protected by

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Speaker 1: black men. And I know you don't feel that that's

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Speaker 1: necessarily true. I couldn't say that I feel that way

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Speaker 1: based off of my own experiences, but I know that

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Speaker 1: you recently have had some ideas about you know why

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Speaker 1: that maybe can you share a little bit of that. Well,

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Speaker 1: this is what I've also learned, is that I learned

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Speaker 1: that we do not shrow mass media. We don't control

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Speaker 1: the things we consume. We are fed the things that

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Speaker 1: we consume. Right, for example, UM shout out to Trouble

408
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Speaker 1: because I was about to say last season you had

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Speaker 1: a discussion with I had a discussion with the three

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Speaker 1: gentlemen and I asked them a question. I said, how

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Speaker 1: many black men do you think marry black women? Right?

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Speaker 1: And most of them said about fifty fifty right, And

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Speaker 1: thanks to Trouble Um, statistics show that over of black

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Speaker 1: men marry black women, regardless of socio economic status, which

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Speaker 1: means it didn't matter if they were poor or if

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Speaker 1: they were rich. Over eight of black men marry black women,

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Speaker 1: which makes you wonder why are we being told through

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Speaker 1: the media that black men do not marry or love

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Speaker 1: black women, Because then you have the question what you're

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Speaker 1: consuming if this is what you're seeing? Right, So, we

421
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Speaker 1: see on Twitter all these repost these reposts that black

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Speaker 1: men don't love us, black men don't love us. But

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Speaker 1: studies show and statists stick show that of black men

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Speaker 1: are marrying black women. That means that that is a lie. Well,

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Speaker 1: we already know what these algorithms be looking like. You

426
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Speaker 1: see what I'm saying, what exactly is being banned, what

427
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,080
Speaker 1: exactly is being You have to take it with a

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Speaker 1: grain of salt, because I think people now look at

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00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:17,520
Speaker 1: social media as there is no media really anymore at

430
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:21,600
Speaker 1: this point. It's just people putting out information. Anybody with

431
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,200
Speaker 1: a set of thumbs or a voice note can set

432
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:26,919
Speaker 1: out a post and just say anything. True journalism does

433
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:30,000
Speaker 1: not exist anymore. It's all about clickbait. It doesn't no one, no,

434
00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:31,639
Speaker 1: you don't have to do anything in order to be

435
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,240
Speaker 1: considered a true journalists. All you have to do is

436
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:36,000
Speaker 1: put up the best sound bite or the best picture

437
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,120
Speaker 1: and get people to click it so the advertisers can

438
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:39,920
Speaker 1: go to it. But I think that we as black

439
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,320
Speaker 1: people need to start understanding where we are the same

440
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:44,680
Speaker 1: thing for black women, right, studies start to come out

441
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:48,000
Speaker 1: black women are the most least Black women are the

442
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:54,320
Speaker 1: least desirable of all in America. Remember, and they told

443
00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:59,200
Speaker 1: black women the more education you receive, the least desirable

444
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:04,080
Speaker 1: you become. Because black women earned college degrees to the

445
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,960
Speaker 1: one over black men. So then that became a big thing.

446
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:09,639
Speaker 1: Oh twice as many black men are earning college degrees

447
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:12,520
Speaker 1: and black black women are earning college degrees and black men. Well,

448
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,639
Speaker 1: let's really look at the statistics, because the statistics show

449
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:18,600
Speaker 1: that white women earned college degrees that to the one

450
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:21,560
Speaker 1: in white men, right, so that makes them less design

451
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:25,560
Speaker 1: these statistics is really the ultimate question. Because we actually

452
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,800
Speaker 1: did have somebody write a listener letter. I forget what

453
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,560
Speaker 1: it was, what episode, but she felt like her degrees

454
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:33,840
Speaker 1: were just intimidating to black men. And I'm just like,

455
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,880
Speaker 1: but why would that be? Who exactly is saying that?

456
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:39,399
Speaker 1: You know, and people may have their experiences with it.

457
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,359
Speaker 1: I particularly haven't necessarily seen it in my eyes, you

458
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,320
Speaker 1: know what I mean, But just across the board, that

459
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:46,400
Speaker 1: seems to be the narrative that's pute. That's why when

460
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,440
Speaker 1: we were on the show Black Love a couple of

461
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,639
Speaker 1: seasons ago, it was so important for us to be

462
00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:54,560
Speaker 1: able to share our story. It's another reason why we

463
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:58,560
Speaker 1: continue here. Our story about seeing is believing. We already

464
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:02,040
Speaker 1: know that. If you're not, if we're not combating these

465
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,800
Speaker 1: sayings and these myths and these you know, statistics that

466
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,359
Speaker 1: we don't know where the sources really come from. If

467
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:12,200
Speaker 1: we're not combating that by pushing out more content that's

468
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 1: around the black family unit, that's around black love, then

469
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:18,320
Speaker 1: it's only going to continue to get worse. Well, I mean,

470
00:25:18,359 --> 00:25:21,280
Speaker 1: another hashtag came out that said black love is revolutionary

471
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:24,919
Speaker 1: because we haven't seen it purposefully, we haven't seen it.

472
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,960
Speaker 1: And I want people to think about this. Why are

473
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,359
Speaker 1: we so hard on each other? Right? And we talked

474
00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:34,480
Speaker 1: about trauma. How is well how are these traumas being

475
00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:38,200
Speaker 1: passed through generations? So just for a minute, I want

476
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,280
Speaker 1: you to close your eyes, if you're listening, close your

477
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:43,160
Speaker 1: eyes and think about what happens. This is the nineteen sixties. Right,

478
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:45,680
Speaker 1: you have a strong black man who's out there every

479
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,159
Speaker 1: single day, going out there to feed his family. He

480
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:52,560
Speaker 1: decides that he wants to speak out for his rights,

481
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:55,000
Speaker 1: he wants to speak up for his humanity. Right, strong

482
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:58,400
Speaker 1: black man, strong black women at home, taking care of

483
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:00,960
Speaker 1: the family, making sure that everything is due properly. You

484
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,639
Speaker 1: have a family unit here, right, the strong black man

485
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:07,520
Speaker 1: is now ripped out of the family unit, either incarcerated

486
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:11,000
Speaker 1: for trump up charges or murdered at the hands of

487
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:14,160
Speaker 1: state sponsored execution by police or even by the KKK.

488
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:18,560
Speaker 1: So now that family grows up without a dad, no income.

489
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:21,720
Speaker 1: You know that mom struggles. Right now, that mom is

490
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:25,200
Speaker 1: left there to fear because remember, in the sixties, we

491
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,360
Speaker 1: lost a ton of leaders, a ton of black male leaders.

492
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:32,959
Speaker 1: We lost in the sixties through assassination, through death, through incarceration.

493
00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:36,480
Speaker 1: Right now, you have a generation of young kids who

494
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:39,359
Speaker 1: grew up without male leaders. Right. You have young women,

495
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:42,680
Speaker 1: young young women who had to raise families on their own.

496
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,240
Speaker 1: So now you took the male leaders out of these neighborhoods,

497
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,439
Speaker 1: and you have these black women who you're constantly feeding

498
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:51,600
Speaker 1: to them. You don't have any fathers because you're not worthy.

499
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,120
Speaker 1: Black men don't love you. That's why you're not here.

500
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:57,080
Speaker 1: Forget the fact that our leaders were assassinated and killed.

501
00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,080
Speaker 1: The reason why you don't have fathers in the homes

502
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:00,680
Speaker 1: because they didn't want to, because they didn't want to

503
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,480
Speaker 1: be there. You weren't worthy, You aren't worthy, You don't

504
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:06,120
Speaker 1: deserve So those women through anger who have the right.

505
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:09,439
Speaker 1: And I will be the first to say this, black

506
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:12,800
Speaker 1: women are angry and have a right to be angry.

507
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:16,639
Speaker 1: If you knew our history as a black woman, you

508
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:19,760
Speaker 1: would be angry too, because I had I had a

509
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:21,119
Speaker 1: woman say to me one time and I heard you

510
00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:22,840
Speaker 1: say black women are angry. I said, yes, they are.

511
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:24,200
Speaker 1: She said, what if I said black men are angry?

512
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,200
Speaker 1: I said, I am black, I'm a man, and I'm angry.

513
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:29,480
Speaker 1: I'm angry. I think it had a negative connotation around

514
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:32,359
Speaker 1: the whole black women being angry thing, though, yes, you know,

515
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:35,399
Speaker 1: because you think about women how they compare to a

516
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,920
Speaker 1: white woman or there there are other counterparts going into

517
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:42,200
Speaker 1: an environment where they may be super yeah, super assertive,

518
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:45,840
Speaker 1: or they're passionate about the way they feel um and

519
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,640
Speaker 1: that's always translated as anger. I get it, and it's

520
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:51,760
Speaker 1: it's not necessarily angry, but if it is, she has

521
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:53,560
Speaker 1: a reason to be. Let me tell you something. If

522
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:55,679
Speaker 1: you are black in America and you know your history

523
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,480
Speaker 1: and you're not angry, something is wrong with you. Something

524
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,720
Speaker 1: is wrong with you. So imagine these women in the

525
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,399
Speaker 1: sixties growing up angry, having to raise these children on

526
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,399
Speaker 1: their room. Not only do you have to raise these children,

527
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:06,560
Speaker 1: I have to go out and get a job to

528
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:08,600
Speaker 1: be able to support because you took the other source

529
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:11,959
Speaker 1: of income out of my home. Those kids grow up

530
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:15,840
Speaker 1: without fathers. There's gonna be trauma involved when you raise

531
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:19,399
Speaker 1: a household without a father. Those kids grow up to

532
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:23,560
Speaker 1: become parents. They grew up without seeing the nuclear family.

533
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:27,000
Speaker 1: You know what, that trauma becomes the next generation of

534
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,720
Speaker 1: people who are going to feed whatever trauma they had,

535
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:32,520
Speaker 1: whether it was from poverty, whether it was from being

536
00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:35,560
Speaker 1: beaten because their mom has so much anger, whether it's

537
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:38,000
Speaker 1: free from an absentee father, whether he was locked up,

538
00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:41,360
Speaker 1: or whether he was murdered. Like, these are the things

539
00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:43,640
Speaker 1: that black people have had to deal with overtime. And

540
00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 1: then that mom, though, those kids grow up to become

541
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,920
Speaker 1: moms and dads. So now that young man never seen

542
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:51,240
Speaker 1: what a father is like because his father was taken

543
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:52,680
Speaker 1: from his home, he doesn't even know how to be

544
00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:55,800
Speaker 1: a dad. And imagine you grow up through that time,

545
00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:57,760
Speaker 1: and if if you're a young woman who was angry,

546
00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:00,600
Speaker 1: because if everything is happening and you don't understand what's

547
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:04,600
Speaker 1: happening to you. Because remember when I did UH Prototype

548
00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:06,800
Speaker 1: for the ten years in Brooklyn, I was around a

549
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:10,240
Speaker 1: lot of single moms. Prototype is the mentorship mentorship program

550
00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:12,000
Speaker 1: we did in Brooklyn. I was around a lot of

551
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,880
Speaker 1: single moms, and I remember hearing a lot of single

552
00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:17,720
Speaker 1: black moms telling their sons, you ain't never gonna be

553
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:21,320
Speaker 1: shipped just like your father, and not understanding where this

554
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:24,200
Speaker 1: trauma is coming from. Because those young men are gonna

555
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:26,480
Speaker 1: grow up and start to treat black women like ship

556
00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:29,000
Speaker 1: the same way their moms treated them like ship, And

557
00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:31,760
Speaker 1: that trauma gets passed down through generation generation, and we

558
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:34,120
Speaker 1: don't understand that it's coming from a place that was

559
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,400
Speaker 1: designed to create trauma for us to do that to

560
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:38,240
Speaker 1: each other, you know what I'm saying. So it's not

561
00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:39,840
Speaker 1: even a thing. Well, who's to blame because that's what

562
00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:42,160
Speaker 1: happens in the black community too. Well, who's to blame?

563
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,800
Speaker 1: Is it the single black mom who talks down to

564
00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:46,240
Speaker 1: the kids and she's to blame? Or is it the

565
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:48,640
Speaker 1: father who left? Is he used to blame? Um? And

566
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:51,800
Speaker 1: to be perfectly honest, it goes back to slavery. Really here,

567
00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:54,640
Speaker 1: at what point you have that will we have as

568
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,440
Speaker 1: a people. I think it's kind of happening now, but

569
00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:59,600
Speaker 1: kind of having that lightbulb moment where it's like, aha,

570
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:03,920
Speaker 1: we have been set up, we have been pinned against

571
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:07,160
Speaker 1: each other. Um, are we going to be having these

572
00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:10,560
Speaker 1: conversations openly so we can now begin to heal and repair.

573
00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:12,640
Speaker 1: You know, I've said before that I feel like we

574
00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,520
Speaker 1: are a generation where we are now no longer dealing

575
00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:18,560
Speaker 1: with or feeling like we have to deal with those

576
00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:21,560
Speaker 1: dramas that have been passed down that we're addressing them

577
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:24,520
Speaker 1: now that we're calling people out, We're just like, yo,

578
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:28,360
Speaker 1: own your ship. This is what happens, and let's have

579
00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:30,640
Speaker 1: a discussion about it so we can begin to heal

580
00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:34,480
Speaker 1: from it. And you know, there's so many symptoms of

581
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:39,680
Speaker 1: intergenerational trauma that rears its ugly head within the family unit.

582
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:42,200
Speaker 1: You think about a family who might seem just kind

583
00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:45,720
Speaker 1: of emotionally numb, or they have the sense of being strong,

584
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:48,280
Speaker 1: but is that a facade? You know, you have the

585
00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:51,840
Speaker 1: families who feel like discussing this is a sign of weakness.

586
00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:54,800
Speaker 1: You know, I'm I'm now peeling off layers of my

587
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,000
Speaker 1: skin for you to see what's really at the core.

588
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:59,480
Speaker 1: And now that's me being labeled weak. Well, I mean,

589
00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:01,560
Speaker 1: that's that's a generational trauma that's been passed down from

590
00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:03,440
Speaker 1: black man to black man, because black men have been

591
00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:05,760
Speaker 1: taught from the dawn of time that we can't be

592
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:09,120
Speaker 1: emotional because we can't show weakness. You know, even my grandfather.

593
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:11,960
Speaker 1: One of the greatest stories my father talked to my

594
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:15,560
Speaker 1: grandfather is how he was making a candy yams for

595
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:19,280
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving and it's spilled and the holes and you know

596
00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:22,080
Speaker 1: how hot candys gets spilled on his hand. He had burns.

597
00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:25,960
Speaker 1: My grandfather tied the thing up, sat down, cut the turkey,

598
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:28,880
Speaker 1: had dinner with them, never shed a tear, and then

599
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:31,600
Speaker 1: went to the hospital because he just felt like he

600
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:33,880
Speaker 1: couldn't show anything, he couldn't be vulnerable in that moment.

601
00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:36,080
Speaker 1: And that's when he's like, my father is tough. You know,

602
00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:39,600
Speaker 1: my father is tough, and that's a sign of like, yeah,

603
00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:42,840
Speaker 1: I didn't cry, I didn't show any weakness. Black men

604
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:45,320
Speaker 1: are taught from real young that you can't show weakness

605
00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:47,720
Speaker 1: out here because if you grow up in a place

606
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,600
Speaker 1: where there's poverty, right, you're always gonna have to fight

607
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:53,680
Speaker 1: for everything that you get and you'll be prayed on.

608
00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:56,080
Speaker 1: And that comes from trauma, that comes from having to

609
00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:58,640
Speaker 1: from redlining, having to me put in a situation where

610
00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:01,760
Speaker 1: you can't thrive because there's not enough resources for everybody.

611
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:04,280
Speaker 1: So it's only the strong survive, which means I have

612
00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:06,440
Speaker 1: to I have to elbow you and kick you down

613
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,320
Speaker 1: in order for me to get there. There's only one

614
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:10,480
Speaker 1: play the food. There's seven of us. Yeah, which is

615
00:32:10,480 --> 00:32:12,200
Speaker 1: funny too because even just like growing up in Brooklyn,

616
00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:14,600
Speaker 1: you see that tough kid walking down the street, and

617
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:16,480
Speaker 1: I know de value you've had sometimes where you've walked

618
00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:18,720
Speaker 1: down the street and you see this kid coming at you,

619
00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:20,480
Speaker 1: and if you stare him back in his eye the

620
00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:22,280
Speaker 1: same way he's kind of trying to stare at you,

621
00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:24,280
Speaker 1: you notice he'll look away because he's not really tough,

622
00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:27,320
Speaker 1: like a lot of it is. Everyone's trying to play tough,

623
00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:29,480
Speaker 1: but just because you're forced to play tough, and you're

624
00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:31,800
Speaker 1: forced to be tough within the confines of what is

625
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:34,960
Speaker 1: the area you live in, you know. And there's also

626
00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:37,960
Speaker 1: I mean going back to just the symptoms of the

627
00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:41,080
Speaker 1: generational trauma that's been passed down. You know, family might

628
00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:45,040
Speaker 1: have trust issues with outsiders, and that can cause conflict,

629
00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:47,440
Speaker 1: you know, having to not tell your business or not

630
00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:50,080
Speaker 1: tell people what's been happening, a lot of keeping things

631
00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:52,400
Speaker 1: hush hush. You talk about that in your family all

632
00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:54,960
Speaker 1: the time, all the time. It's literally a thing. And

633
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:58,400
Speaker 1: you know, generational trauma has reared its ugly head in

634
00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:00,960
Speaker 1: my family. Um, not my immediate family per se, but

635
00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:03,560
Speaker 1: you know, cousins, an extended family who has had to

636
00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:07,360
Speaker 1: deal with so many different forms of abuse, and there's

637
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:13,360
Speaker 1: this um protection around the person who is the abuser.

638
00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:15,280
Speaker 1: We can talk about that, you know what I mean,

639
00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:20,760
Speaker 1: there's just protection around the abuser. There's this um everybody

640
00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:23,440
Speaker 1: looked the other way, you know, and that might have

641
00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:26,800
Speaker 1: been okay for prior generations, but you know, I have

642
00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:29,280
Speaker 1: family members who are around my age range that are

643
00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:32,400
Speaker 1: just like, no, this is what happened to me, and

644
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:35,640
Speaker 1: it happened at the hands of this other family member

645
00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:37,240
Speaker 1: and what I'm not going to do is be quiet

646
00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:40,600
Speaker 1: about it. And then you can see people kind of

647
00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:43,200
Speaker 1: being like, well that was so long ago though, which

648
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,920
Speaker 1: is probably yeah, that was just so long ago, or

649
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:50,480
Speaker 1: I thought we were past this, or you know, getting

650
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:54,560
Speaker 1: those kind of responses. Imagine what that feels like to

651
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:57,440
Speaker 1: the person who was abused. See, the funny thing is

652
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,240
Speaker 1: when you're a kid and you're being abused, your heart

653
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:03,200
Speaker 1: from young that you have no voice anyway, so you

654
00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:06,240
Speaker 1: can't say anything. So you go your whole childhood being abused,

655
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:07,960
Speaker 1: and then when you become an adult and you want

656
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:09,560
Speaker 1: to say something, then they tell you what it happened

657
00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:12,440
Speaker 1: so long ago because you really have no fear instill

658
00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:14,120
Speaker 1: in you when you are abused as a child that

659
00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:16,400
Speaker 1: you can't say anything. If you are to say anything,

660
00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:19,240
Speaker 1: it's going to cause you know, an uproar in the family,

661
00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:21,120
Speaker 1: and you have to keep your mouth shut. And or

662
00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:22,959
Speaker 1: if they're making it seem like as if it's something

663
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:26,680
Speaker 1: that's okay and something that's acceptable, when deep down you

664
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:28,279
Speaker 1: know it isn't, and then you come to find out

665
00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:30,160
Speaker 1: as an adult that it wasn't. But once again, that

666
00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:33,439
Speaker 1: comes from generational trauma. The fact that we as black

667
00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:35,440
Speaker 1: people have talk. And this is not just a Black thing,

668
00:34:35,480 --> 00:34:39,320
Speaker 1: because abuse, especially sexual abuse to young boys and young girls,

669
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:42,480
Speaker 1: happens in every culture. But it also starts from UM

670
00:34:43,840 --> 00:34:47,480
Speaker 1: society's patriarchal way of feeling like men have control over

671
00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:49,799
Speaker 1: everything and we can do whatever we want to anybody,

672
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:52,799
Speaker 1: and you can't say anything without repercussions exactly. And that's

673
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:57,080
Speaker 1: and that that goes beyond race. That's happened in every culture.

674
00:34:57,320 --> 00:34:59,680
Speaker 1: And what happens is is we start controlling people by

675
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:02,520
Speaker 1: contro holding the youth and telling them at a young age,

676
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:05,440
Speaker 1: you have no voice, no one will believe you anyway.

677
00:35:05,719 --> 00:35:07,520
Speaker 1: And what we can stop, do what we can do

678
00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:09,880
Speaker 1: to stop UM because I want to get to how

679
00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:12,759
Speaker 1: do we cure some of these generational traumas right? The

680
00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:15,160
Speaker 1: first way we can cure some of these generational traumas

681
00:35:15,239 --> 00:35:19,239
Speaker 1: is by educating our people. Right, educating our people. I

682
00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:21,319
Speaker 1: think one of the worst things that happened to the

683
00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:24,880
Speaker 1: black community was desegregation. And I'm going to explain to

684
00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:26,960
Speaker 1: you why my mom and I'm proud of this, I

685
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:29,160
Speaker 1: said some of my mom was the first class to

686
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:32,279
Speaker 1: desegregate Brooklyn and one of the first black students to

687
00:35:32,360 --> 00:35:34,880
Speaker 1: attend James Madison High School. Proud of that because of

688
00:35:34,880 --> 00:35:39,080
Speaker 1: what it stood for. But I'm also a little smarter

689
00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:40,960
Speaker 1: now and knowing that the fact that we put our

690
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:43,239
Speaker 1: black kids in the school with all white teachers means

691
00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:46,400
Speaker 1: that they control what our black kids learned, which means

692
00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:51,040
Speaker 1: they control what we learned about our history, the American history.

693
00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:53,600
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying, which is why I was

694
00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:56,000
Speaker 1: taught from a young age that Christopher Columbus was a

695
00:35:56,040 --> 00:35:59,959
Speaker 1: hero and didn't find out until my twenties that Chris

696
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:04,399
Speaker 1: of Columbus is the Hitler version. Is Hitler to Native

697
00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:06,959
Speaker 1: Americans or the Indigenous people? I wanted to say, Native

698
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:10,200
Speaker 1: Americans to the Indigenous people, You see what I'm saying,

699
00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:13,160
Speaker 1: And it's because they controlled what we learned. So by

700
00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:16,120
Speaker 1: educating our children is the first way that we can

701
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:20,840
Speaker 1: eliminate generational curses. The second way is to give children

702
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:24,200
Speaker 1: their voices back. Stop telling kids to shut up and

703
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:27,880
Speaker 1: hush and allow them to say what's on their mind

704
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:30,560
Speaker 1: and how they feel, giving them safe spaces to be

705
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:34,920
Speaker 1: able to say how they feel, of course within context

706
00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:37,839
Speaker 1: and within the realms of being respectful, but they have

707
00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:41,560
Speaker 1: to feel comfortable being able to speak with their parents.

708
00:36:41,640 --> 00:36:44,320
Speaker 1: If it's not a parent, whoever is a trusted adult.

709
00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:47,920
Speaker 1: It maybe an or uncle, It may be a school professional,

710
00:36:48,239 --> 00:36:52,839
Speaker 1: somebody that they can feel comfortable letting, letting, letting go with.

711
00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:56,560
Speaker 1: So I think about children and how impressionable they are,

712
00:36:57,600 --> 00:37:00,600
Speaker 1: of course with their family and with their parents for particularly,

713
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:03,759
Speaker 1: and how that generational trauma goes from the parent to

714
00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:05,560
Speaker 1: the child, and then you can see the child now

715
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:10,520
Speaker 1: exhibiting behaviors i e. Your grandmother having the trauma of

716
00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:15,600
Speaker 1: knowing what it was like to raise children post um,

717
00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:20,799
Speaker 1: not post slavery, but Jim Crow south right exactly, and

718
00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:22,560
Speaker 1: then how that was then passed to your father and

719
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:25,960
Speaker 1: then to you, and just really honing in on how

720
00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:30,240
Speaker 1: children of survivors of abusers of abusers within family members,

721
00:37:30,760 --> 00:37:35,759
Speaker 1: realms and just um, how how is it that Sorry

722
00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:38,160
Speaker 1: I lost my train of thought. What was that saying?

723
00:37:39,360 --> 00:37:41,239
Speaker 1: How is it the traumas passed down even if the

724
00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:45,080
Speaker 1: trauma doesn't exist? Yes, okay, so even though the trauma

725
00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:48,359
Speaker 1: may not exist for the children, how our behaviors then

726
00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:53,000
Speaker 1: passed down? And how does that affect children? It's very

727
00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:55,440
Speaker 1: simple and the way I related relate to it is, um,

728
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:58,400
Speaker 1: you haven't watched the movie enough with j Lo. Yes,

729
00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:01,560
Speaker 1: And she was beat by the by her husband. She

730
00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:03,520
Speaker 1: was beat by her husband, so she never felt safe.

731
00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:07,600
Speaker 1: So whenever she grabbed her daughter, every couple of months,

732
00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:09,799
Speaker 1: her and her daughter left, every couple of months, her

733
00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:12,319
Speaker 1: and her daughter cut her hair, died her hair, right,

734
00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:14,200
Speaker 1: every time they were out some where, they were always

735
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,720
Speaker 1: looking at the exits, always looking at the windows. She's

736
00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:20,440
Speaker 1: creating a trauma to her daughter that never existed because

737
00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:24,120
Speaker 1: she her daughter was never abused. The mom was abused.

738
00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:27,520
Speaker 1: So that behavior that she's exhibited has continued, has passed

739
00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:29,280
Speaker 1: that down to now her daughter. So now her daughter's

740
00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:31,719
Speaker 1: going to grow up. Right, every couple of months, And

741
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:33,000
Speaker 1: I know it was a movie, but I've seen this

742
00:38:33,040 --> 00:38:35,680
Speaker 1: in real life every couple of months, changes her hair,

743
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:38,200
Speaker 1: whenever she gets somewhere, she sits with her back against

744
00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:42,000
Speaker 1: the wall and looks for the exit. But this is

745
00:38:42,080 --> 00:38:45,879
Speaker 1: normal behavior to her because this is, for example, how

746
00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:48,840
Speaker 1: many black kids have probably never had any issues with cops.

747
00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:52,120
Speaker 1: The cops pull up while you're at the light, what

748
00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:55,120
Speaker 1: do black children do? They get nervous? Oh, my goodness,

749
00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:57,000
Speaker 1: do you think about the video that went viral of

750
00:38:57,040 --> 00:38:59,680
Speaker 1: the young boy who was playing basketball in his yard. Yes,

751
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:01,799
Speaker 1: then the cop car was driving past and he went

752
00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:04,480
Speaker 1: and hid behind the car because well, I mean that

753
00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:06,919
Speaker 1: was probably different just because now there's so much going on.

754
00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:08,879
Speaker 1: It wasn't different at all. But I'm just saying that's

755
00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:11,160
Speaker 1: something happening now. But yes, it is something that has

756
00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:15,680
Speaker 1: happened for years where you're already coming along and you're

757
00:39:15,719 --> 00:39:19,440
Speaker 1: not doing anything. You're in actually basketball, perfect example. And

758
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:23,200
Speaker 1: because that trauma has his parents felt, dealing with police

759
00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:26,400
Speaker 1: has automatically been passed down to this child. And what

760
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:29,560
Speaker 1: happens is white people don't understand. Sometimes it's just like,

761
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:31,200
Speaker 1: I don't know why you're afraid of cops, because I've

762
00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:33,439
Speaker 1: never had an issue with cops. But until you sat

763
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:35,560
Speaker 1: in the car with your parents and watch a police

764
00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:37,560
Speaker 1: officer come to the window when your parents get quiet

765
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:39,040
Speaker 1: and they tightened up, and you're sitting in the back

766
00:39:39,080 --> 00:39:41,520
Speaker 1: like what's going on. Until you've sat there and that

767
00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:46,080
Speaker 1: happened repeatedly, will you understand why that fear comes? You know,

768
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:48,720
Speaker 1: and it comes from every source of When my mom

769
00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:50,880
Speaker 1: was pregnant with my sister, she might have been about

770
00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:55,000
Speaker 1: six months pregnant, and I remember actually was probably a

771
00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:57,799
Speaker 1: little less than that. But anyway, we were driving through

772
00:39:57,840 --> 00:40:01,239
Speaker 1: Meal Basin in Brooklyn, which is a predominant the white neighborhood.

773
00:40:01,760 --> 00:40:03,880
Speaker 1: Um I was ten years old at the time, and

774
00:40:03,920 --> 00:40:06,160
Speaker 1: it was around Christmas time, so they would normally put

775
00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:08,799
Speaker 1: up all of these bright lights, and the houses were

776
00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:10,640
Speaker 1: a little bit nicer than where we lived on our

777
00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:12,480
Speaker 1: side of town. So my mom is like, you know what,

778
00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:15,000
Speaker 1: let's just drive past there one night after you know,

779
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:17,080
Speaker 1: she picked us up from our activities, so we can

780
00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:18,880
Speaker 1: just see the lights, you know, because Christmas is our

781
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,200
Speaker 1: favorite time right here. And then I remember we got

782
00:40:21,239 --> 00:40:23,960
Speaker 1: into a car accident. Somebody had made a turn, like

783
00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:26,680
Speaker 1: ran the stop sign, turned into my mom's car, and

784
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:29,240
Speaker 1: instantly I was just nervous because I know she's pregnant.

785
00:40:29,280 --> 00:40:30,880
Speaker 1: I don't want to lose the baby. So I was

786
00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:34,719
Speaker 1: remember being very, very very upset in that moment. But

787
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:38,200
Speaker 1: I do remember the guy, a white male, actually two

788
00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:40,600
Speaker 1: of them, they were in a car together, approached my

789
00:40:40,680 --> 00:40:43,240
Speaker 1: mom in the vehicle and we were in the back seat,

790
00:40:43,239 --> 00:40:47,360
Speaker 1: my brother and I and they were like, didn't you

791
00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:49,640
Speaker 1: see us coming? Why are you even in this part

792
00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:51,880
Speaker 1: of the town anyway, like what are you doing over here? Anyway?

793
00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:53,520
Speaker 1: What are you supposed to be doing? And I remember

794
00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:56,400
Speaker 1: my mom being like, how dare you? Like, I'm a

795
00:40:56,480 --> 00:40:59,719
Speaker 1: nurse will probably one day save your mom's life, like

796
00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:02,120
Speaker 1: should be more or less, But you know, she had

797
00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:04,319
Speaker 1: a few other choice words because she closed the door.

798
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:07,120
Speaker 1: But then I remember that feeling of being like, oh

799
00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:09,480
Speaker 1: my god, like now I can't even be in this

800
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:11,360
Speaker 1: part of town. So I had a friend who I

801
00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:13,840
Speaker 1: met in school, um in high school, and I remember

802
00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:16,000
Speaker 1: asking like, oh, where do you live and she was like, oh,

803
00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:18,319
Speaker 1: I live in Mill Basin. I remember instantly going back

804
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:21,360
Speaker 1: to that time and feel like I'm probably not going

805
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:23,359
Speaker 1: to be welcome in your house. You may be nice,

806
00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:25,880
Speaker 1: but your parents might not want me being dropped off

807
00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:28,200
Speaker 1: into your home in that part of town. And then

808
00:41:28,239 --> 00:41:30,799
Speaker 1: after that, it was just always like the idea of

809
00:41:30,840 --> 00:41:33,360
Speaker 1: like oh my god, seeing how scared my mom was

810
00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:35,680
Speaker 1: over there, not wanting to go back to that part

811
00:41:35,719 --> 00:41:37,480
Speaker 1: of town because I'm like, oh my god, like my

812
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:40,760
Speaker 1: mom clearly was like disrespected. And now we have boys

813
00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:42,719
Speaker 1: if they say they go into their friend's house in

814
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:44,440
Speaker 1: Mill Basin and we bok, what's the first are you

815
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:47,680
Speaker 1: going to say, right, don't go see So you're passing

816
00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:49,439
Speaker 1: down the trauma that happened to you to your boys

817
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:52,839
Speaker 1: when they've never experienced it, absolutely and being a mom

818
00:41:53,320 --> 00:41:55,360
Speaker 1: being crazy, but I'm like, no, you can kind of

819
00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:58,920
Speaker 1: foresee those things and it could potentially affect them as well. Parents.

820
00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:02,040
Speaker 1: Parents do that to their children all the time, And

821
00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:04,400
Speaker 1: I don't want to call it seeing ghosts because typically

822
00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:07,040
Speaker 1: parents do that in fear because they do not want

823
00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:08,960
Speaker 1: their children to ever have to experience that and be

824
00:42:09,480 --> 00:42:11,160
Speaker 1: caught off guard. So I don't want to call it

825
00:42:11,160 --> 00:42:14,440
Speaker 1: seeing ghosts. But realistically, when you exhibit that type of

826
00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:18,080
Speaker 1: behavior consistently to your children, they in turn, you know,

827
00:42:18,280 --> 00:42:21,640
Speaker 1: become almost like shell shocked. Like that's when you get

828
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:25,600
Speaker 1: that post traumatic slave syndrome where everything scares you and

829
00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:28,280
Speaker 1: you're worried about everything and you can't exist and function

830
00:42:28,840 --> 00:42:31,360
Speaker 1: in a world where you're afraid of everything, and you

831
00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:33,040
Speaker 1: have to do in your children too, because we even

832
00:42:33,040 --> 00:42:36,080
Speaker 1: know how Jackson, for example, is just a total empeth

833
00:42:36,239 --> 00:42:39,399
Speaker 1: like he completely is always thinking about other people. He's

834
00:42:39,760 --> 00:42:42,799
Speaker 1: genuinely concerned about the welfare for others all the time,

835
00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:45,120
Speaker 1: and we know how much our children can handle. So

836
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:49,120
Speaker 1: imagine us unloading our fears onto someone with Jackson's kind

837
00:42:49,120 --> 00:42:52,960
Speaker 1: of personality that can be so overwhelming for a child.

838
00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:56,200
Speaker 1: That is exactly why I was very deliberate when he

839
00:42:56,239 --> 00:42:58,719
Speaker 1: started asking me about George Floyd and Almand Aubrey and

840
00:42:58,719 --> 00:43:01,000
Speaker 1: Brianna Taylor. I was very a little bit about how

841
00:43:01,040 --> 00:43:04,680
Speaker 1: I was going to approach the racism topic with him

842
00:43:04,719 --> 00:43:06,920
Speaker 1: because I didn't want to unload all my fear and

843
00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:10,400
Speaker 1: anger on him because I know he'll take that and

844
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:12,120
Speaker 1: I don't want him to exist in a world where

845
00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:13,920
Speaker 1: he thinks he has to fear everything. And that's what

846
00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:17,520
Speaker 1: led us to writing the children's books. So shout out

847
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:19,480
Speaker 1: to our publish I'm not gonna releasing it because the

848
00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:22,239
Speaker 1: book hasn't been released yet, but mcbraun. But by the

849
00:43:22,239 --> 00:43:26,920
Speaker 1: time you guys hear this, maybe he got with us

850
00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:29,200
Speaker 1: and we created this children. That's why. That's why with

851
00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:31,799
Speaker 1: this conversation, I really wanted you to kind of lead

852
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:35,279
Speaker 1: this conversation because you were doing so much research recently

853
00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:39,160
Speaker 1: about history and about um everything that kind of got

854
00:43:39,239 --> 00:43:41,960
Speaker 1: us to this point, which is very necessary I think

855
00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:44,600
Speaker 1: for our children to be aware of and to know

856
00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:48,000
Speaker 1: so that way moving forward, they understand at least where

857
00:43:48,040 --> 00:43:50,440
Speaker 1: we've come from and know how we can move accordingly

858
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:53,520
Speaker 1: within our family units and of course as individuals. So

859
00:43:53,560 --> 00:43:56,120
Speaker 1: when it came to Jackson asking me about you know,

860
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:59,520
Speaker 1: Aman Aubrey, Brianna Taylor, George Floyd, I decided I was

861
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:01,879
Speaker 1: going to be very deliberate about how I gave him

862
00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:06,120
Speaker 1: this information because I didn't want to create an intergenerational trauma,

863
00:44:06,239 --> 00:44:08,920
Speaker 1: right and for those I'm gonna read off some bullet

864
00:44:08,920 --> 00:44:12,960
Speaker 1: points of what intergenerational traumas are. So, for example, unresolved

865
00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:16,080
Speaker 1: emotions and thoughts about a traumatic event are negative, repeated

866
00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:20,320
Speaker 1: patterns of behavior, including beliefs about parenting, untreated or poorly treated,

867
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:23,760
Speaker 1: untreated or poorly treated, substance abuse or severe mental illness,

868
00:44:24,080 --> 00:44:28,840
Speaker 1: poor parent child relationships, and emotional attachment, complicated personality traits

869
00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:33,200
Speaker 1: or personality disorders, content attitude um no content attitude with

870
00:44:33,280 --> 00:44:37,520
Speaker 1: the ways things are within the family. So part of

871
00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:41,080
Speaker 1: the reason why I was very deliberate about the delivering

872
00:44:41,120 --> 00:44:44,320
Speaker 1: that information to him was because of all these things. So,

873
00:44:44,360 --> 00:44:47,280
Speaker 1: for example, unresolved emotions and thoughts about a traumatic event

874
00:44:47,800 --> 00:44:50,600
Speaker 1: we talk about things happen in the families all the time, right,

875
00:44:50,680 --> 00:44:54,719
Speaker 1: so I we you know, we had the situation where

876
00:44:54,760 --> 00:44:58,520
Speaker 1: I was gonna spank Jackson. Right, he's gonna ask me

877
00:44:58,560 --> 00:45:03,360
Speaker 1: at some point I spanked him. If I say I

878
00:45:03,360 --> 00:45:05,000
Speaker 1: spanked you because I spanked you, leave me alone, get

879
00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:07,960
Speaker 1: out of my face. That's unresolved. You know what he's

880
00:45:07,960 --> 00:45:10,960
Speaker 1: gonna do. Say. You know what, my parents were pretty

881
00:45:10,960 --> 00:45:14,719
Speaker 1: good parents. My father spanked me. I'm gonna spank my

882
00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:18,319
Speaker 1: kids without even knowing why. You see what I'm saying,

883
00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:22,160
Speaker 1: it's just unresolved. And then and that that behavior becomes acceptable,

884
00:45:22,600 --> 00:45:25,320
Speaker 1: which brings me to the other point, which acceptable behaviors

885
00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:28,520
Speaker 1: and beliefs that exists within the family because it's unresolved,

886
00:45:28,719 --> 00:45:32,000
Speaker 1: which leads us back to something I hate talking about this,

887
00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:35,239
Speaker 1: but it's the truth, sexual abuse. I had a young man.

888
00:45:35,520 --> 00:45:38,600
Speaker 1: I had a young man in prototype who I found

889
00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:43,400
Speaker 1: out he used to respond poorly to male authority figures.

890
00:45:43,520 --> 00:45:45,239
Speaker 1: He alway used to shrivel up, and at first I

891
00:45:45,280 --> 00:45:47,319
Speaker 1: thought that he was just a little soft. So I

892
00:45:47,360 --> 00:45:48,880
Speaker 1: was like, you know, let me just see if I

893
00:45:48,920 --> 00:45:50,759
Speaker 1: can poke him, getting his face and see if he

894
00:45:50,760 --> 00:45:52,040
Speaker 1: can man up a little bit. Then I was gonna

895
00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:54,920
Speaker 1: my plan was to applaud him for standing up and

896
00:45:54,920 --> 00:45:57,600
Speaker 1: then get everybody to roll around him. And you know, understand,

897
00:45:57,600 --> 00:45:59,000
Speaker 1: but this was I was in my twenties. I didn't

898
00:45:59,040 --> 00:46:02,800
Speaker 1: understand generational traumas. The more I screamed to him, the

899
00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:04,960
Speaker 1: smaller he got, The smaller he got, the smaller he

900
00:46:04,960 --> 00:46:08,920
Speaker 1: got till he stopped coming. Then I found out from

901
00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:12,720
Speaker 1: one of his mom's friends, because the mom never said anything,

902
00:46:13,120 --> 00:46:17,440
Speaker 1: that the young man had experienced traumas with the mom's boyfriend,

903
00:46:18,600 --> 00:46:23,239
Speaker 1: and the mom's boyfriend was sexually abusive to him, and

904
00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:25,880
Speaker 1: she sat the monster to me. The reason why she

905
00:46:25,920 --> 00:46:30,640
Speaker 1: allowed it was because she was sexually abused by her

906
00:46:30,760 --> 00:46:34,880
Speaker 1: mom's boyfriend, and I was just like, so she just

907
00:46:34,960 --> 00:46:37,800
Speaker 1: let she just let him do it because it happened

908
00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:39,960
Speaker 1: to her, and she said, this is my home girl.

909
00:46:40,360 --> 00:46:42,160
Speaker 1: We tried to talk about it, we went to therapy,

910
00:46:42,239 --> 00:46:44,799
Speaker 1: but she felt like as a woman in the house,

911
00:46:44,840 --> 00:46:47,719
Speaker 1: she didn't have the authority to tell the man she

912
00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:50,160
Speaker 1: was dating what too and what not to do with

913
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:54,080
Speaker 1: her child, the same way her mom didn't tell him

914
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:56,719
Speaker 1: what to do with her. And at that point I

915
00:46:56,719 --> 00:46:59,960
Speaker 1: had to realize, like, wow, here I am not understanding

916
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:02,879
Speaker 1: the nuance within each family and each child, and I'm

917
00:47:02,880 --> 00:47:08,399
Speaker 1: trying to just assert this male dominance and sorry, it's

918
00:47:08,440 --> 00:47:12,440
Speaker 1: hard in that circumstance then not to pass judgment or

919
00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:15,360
Speaker 1: to say like you're a grown woman now, like regardless

920
00:47:15,360 --> 00:47:20,560
Speaker 1: of what transpired in your childhood, then having this transpire

921
00:47:20,600 --> 00:47:23,440
Speaker 1: with your child, it's like, at what point do you say, like,

922
00:47:23,520 --> 00:47:25,880
Speaker 1: I know that this is not supposed to occur, And

923
00:47:26,080 --> 00:47:28,600
Speaker 1: it's me not passing judgment because I just don't know

924
00:47:28,640 --> 00:47:31,520
Speaker 1: how it affects m psychologically, right, and how that that

925
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:34,359
Speaker 1: mindset is, which is why therapy is so important and

926
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:37,759
Speaker 1: actually addressing these things. You know, it's I would have

927
00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:40,520
Speaker 1: never guessed that would have been the outcome, the reason

928
00:47:40,600 --> 00:47:43,400
Speaker 1: as to why, you know, she was allowing this to happen.

929
00:47:43,440 --> 00:47:45,200
Speaker 1: So so now I'm going to explain to you how

930
00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:49,680
Speaker 1: that trauma and experiencing that trauma leads us back to

931
00:47:49,560 --> 00:47:53,719
Speaker 1: today and Jackson, right, that young man at thirteen. Once

932
00:47:53,719 --> 00:47:54,920
Speaker 1: we were able to break it down and I was

933
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:56,600
Speaker 1: able to speak to him, I finally got him to

934
00:47:56,680 --> 00:47:59,080
Speaker 1: open up about what he was going through. When he

935
00:47:59,120 --> 00:48:01,680
Speaker 1: told me the thing that was the hardest for me

936
00:48:01,760 --> 00:48:03,960
Speaker 1: to deal with was him saying it's not that big

937
00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:06,640
Speaker 1: a deal. It's cool. I'll deal with it. So him

938
00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:11,200
Speaker 1: normalizing not feeling made me feel like if he grows up,

939
00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:14,120
Speaker 1: is he going to then feel like it's okay, it's normal.

940
00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:17,120
Speaker 1: I can do that to someone else's child, or do

941
00:48:17,239 --> 00:48:19,120
Speaker 1: that to my child because it was done to me.

942
00:48:19,200 --> 00:48:22,520
Speaker 1: It was done to my mom, that's normal. That leads

943
00:48:22,520 --> 00:48:26,799
Speaker 1: me to Jackson dealing with Brianna Taylor, dealing with armand Aubrey.

944
00:48:26,920 --> 00:48:31,719
Speaker 1: I remember feeling when I watched the George Floyd incident, right.

945
00:48:32,239 --> 00:48:34,560
Speaker 1: I remember looking at the TV. I got mad for

946
00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:36,359
Speaker 1: a minute, and then I said, this is just part

947
00:48:36,400 --> 00:48:39,400
Speaker 1: for the course. It's not that big a deal. I

948
00:48:39,480 --> 00:48:41,239
Speaker 1: might as well go back to doing what I do

949
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:44,280
Speaker 1: because this is never going to change. So it became

950
00:48:44,360 --> 00:48:47,359
Speaker 1: so normal to me that we as a people then

951
00:48:47,480 --> 00:48:51,799
Speaker 1: allow it, like like the Brianna Taylor um verdict. I

952
00:48:51,880 --> 00:48:55,319
Speaker 1: remember watching the Rodney King verdict, and they will all

953
00:48:55,520 --> 00:48:58,839
Speaker 1: acquit it and they rioted in l a riot towre

954
00:48:58,920 --> 00:49:02,440
Speaker 1: that place apart. Right, Brianna Taylor, it's a black woman,

955
00:49:03,239 --> 00:49:06,720
Speaker 1: No one's everyone's acquitted. Well, this is part for the course.

956
00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:10,440
Speaker 1: We've become so desensitized to these drawing, these traumas, these

957
00:49:10,440 --> 00:49:14,440
Speaker 1: generational traumas that happened at the hands of the government,

958
00:49:14,920 --> 00:49:16,960
Speaker 1: that we're just letting it happen to us as a

959
00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:19,799
Speaker 1: people over and over again. And the worst thing about

960
00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:22,520
Speaker 1: it is they're constantly showing it on social media and

961
00:49:22,600 --> 00:49:26,279
Speaker 1: TV so that we continue to become traumatized. So every

962
00:49:26,280 --> 00:49:28,400
Speaker 1: time they show a black person get murdered by police

963
00:49:28,400 --> 00:49:30,120
Speaker 1: and nothing happens, you know what, we start to do

964
00:49:32,320 --> 00:49:35,880
Speaker 1: another day. And that's why I was very deliberate about

965
00:49:35,960 --> 00:49:39,239
Speaker 1: giving Jackson the history of our country so that he

966
00:49:39,280 --> 00:49:42,239
Speaker 1: knows that it's not okay, but also showing him that

967
00:49:42,320 --> 00:49:44,520
Speaker 1: every time these things happened and we complained about it,

968
00:49:44,560 --> 00:49:47,040
Speaker 1: a little bit of change happened, even if it wasn't

969
00:49:47,040 --> 00:49:50,680
Speaker 1: a great big change, Okay, but Emmett till everybody wasn't arrested,

970
00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:53,160
Speaker 1: everybody didn't go to jail, right, but they were laws

971
00:49:53,239 --> 00:49:55,920
Speaker 1: passed that didn't allow for it, and the same thing

972
00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:59,080
Speaker 1: to happen next week to another child. Brianna Taylor. I

973
00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:01,319
Speaker 1: know everyone is up set and everyone is piste off.

974
00:50:01,560 --> 00:50:03,400
Speaker 1: But the one thing that we can at least hang

975
00:50:03,440 --> 00:50:07,200
Speaker 1: our hat on right Prior to Brianna Taylor being murdered,

976
00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:12,200
Speaker 1: no knock warrants were considered legal even though they're unconstitutional.

977
00:50:13,120 --> 00:50:16,160
Speaker 1: This case and this child created the Brianna Taylor Law,

978
00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:19,920
Speaker 1: which means that no knock warrants are no longer legal

979
00:50:20,200 --> 00:50:23,000
Speaker 1: in black and brown communities because no knock warrants were

980
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:25,799
Speaker 1: happening in a disproportionate rate in black and brown communities

981
00:50:25,960 --> 00:50:27,960
Speaker 1: then white communities. And people don't like to hear it,

982
00:50:28,120 --> 00:50:31,279
Speaker 1: but here is the fact. Before crack cocaine became an

983
00:50:31,280 --> 00:50:35,719
Speaker 1: issue in the United States, cocaine, powder cocaine was an

984
00:50:35,719 --> 00:50:39,920
Speaker 1: epidemic in this country. They did not militarize the police.

985
00:50:41,440 --> 00:50:44,279
Speaker 1: It's the it's the truth. It's the truth. It was

986
00:50:44,280 --> 00:50:47,279
Speaker 1: an epidemic in this country. Richard Nixon created the War

987
00:50:47,320 --> 00:50:52,320
Speaker 1: on Drugs based on powdered cocaine, powdered cocaine, not crack cocaine.

988
00:50:52,360 --> 00:50:54,880
Speaker 1: He created the War on Drugs on powder cocaine. But

989
00:50:54,960 --> 00:50:57,839
Speaker 1: they utilized the law to militarize the police on crack

990
00:50:57,920 --> 00:51:01,759
Speaker 1: cocaine because it happened in the black communities. And that's

991
00:51:01,760 --> 00:51:03,799
Speaker 1: what and that's what this all comes down to. We

992
00:51:03,880 --> 00:51:08,440
Speaker 1: as a people need to understand how traumatic situations and

993
00:51:08,480 --> 00:51:12,440
Speaker 1: generational traumas are being passed down in our community and

994
00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:15,880
Speaker 1: it's being pushed through the government. Like these things that

995
00:51:15,920 --> 00:51:17,880
Speaker 1: are happening or not just happening in your family and

996
00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:20,880
Speaker 1: my family, it's happening in all about communities because of

997
00:51:20,880 --> 00:51:23,160
Speaker 1: what we're going through in the laws and legislation that's

998
00:51:23,160 --> 00:51:27,360
Speaker 1: allowing it to happen. If we educate ourselves, our history,

999
00:51:27,400 --> 00:51:29,319
Speaker 1: who we are as a people, we can stop it.

1000
00:51:29,880 --> 00:51:32,480
Speaker 1: But we have to educate ourselves. And I think fighting

1001
00:51:32,520 --> 00:51:36,279
Speaker 1: the great fight, meaning fighting against government or community within

1002
00:51:36,280 --> 00:51:38,719
Speaker 1: our communities. I think ultimately it goes back down to

1003
00:51:39,000 --> 00:51:41,960
Speaker 1: even the family units. Healing what's going on in your

1004
00:51:42,000 --> 00:51:45,000
Speaker 1: family unit, in your household first, and then being better

1005
00:51:45,080 --> 00:51:49,080
Speaker 1: equipped to then now with a clear head, figure out

1006
00:51:49,080 --> 00:51:53,680
Speaker 1: and strategize how to now approach these bigger systemic issues.

1007
00:51:53,800 --> 00:51:56,120
Speaker 1: That's the key that right there is the key. You

1008
00:51:56,160 --> 00:51:58,920
Speaker 1: have to take care of your home first. We realize

1009
00:51:58,920 --> 00:52:01,560
Speaker 1: that there are issues, but if I realized that they're

1010
00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:04,839
Speaker 1: they're generational traumas in my family, I gotta correct that first,

1011
00:52:04,920 --> 00:52:07,640
Speaker 1: and I got to educate the ones underneath me so

1012
00:52:07,680 --> 00:52:10,359
Speaker 1: that we can move forward to awareness is key when

1013
00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:13,040
Speaker 1: it comes to healing. UM. I mean without recognizing that

1014
00:52:13,080 --> 00:52:15,400
Speaker 1: there is something in your family happening in your family system,

1015
00:52:15,480 --> 00:52:17,200
Speaker 1: then you can't change it. So a couple of tips

1016
00:52:17,280 --> 00:52:20,760
Speaker 1: for helping with healing generational trauma. You know, first seeing

1017
00:52:20,760 --> 00:52:24,000
Speaker 1: the patterns, knowing that they're existing. UM. Some are more

1018
00:52:24,040 --> 00:52:27,359
Speaker 1: obvious than others. There's domestic violence, abuse, anxiety, gender roles,

1019
00:52:27,400 --> 00:52:31,719
Speaker 1: among others. UM. Second step is to building the awareness

1020
00:52:31,760 --> 00:52:35,360
Speaker 1: around what triggers you to step into these established patterns.

1021
00:52:35,520 --> 00:52:38,719
Speaker 1: Is it yelling? Is it disrespect? Are you feeling devalued,

1022
00:52:39,440 --> 00:52:42,400
Speaker 1: physical aggression, watching people being bullied? I mean, the lists

1023
00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:44,520
Speaker 1: really could go on and on. And then once you're

1024
00:52:44,520 --> 00:52:47,120
Speaker 1: aware of your triggers, the fourth step is becoming aware

1025
00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:49,839
Speaker 1: of how you react to these triggers, so there's never

1026
00:52:49,920 --> 00:52:52,319
Speaker 1: different ways to react to it. Are you gonna shut down?

1027
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:56,600
Speaker 1: Are you're gonna be angry, violent, yell? And um. Learning

1028
00:52:56,920 --> 00:53:00,160
Speaker 1: to put roadblocks on those patterns. So setting up a

1029
00:53:00,160 --> 00:53:03,439
Speaker 1: trigger word or a phrase that helps you recognize when

1030
00:53:03,440 --> 00:53:06,320
Speaker 1: you're going down a pattern. Setting up a support network

1031
00:53:06,360 --> 00:53:08,640
Speaker 1: as well that can help to hold you accountable. But

1032
00:53:08,680 --> 00:53:10,840
Speaker 1: what's the key to the first step is seeing the patterns.

1033
00:53:11,560 --> 00:53:13,600
Speaker 1: You can't see the patterns if you don't know how

1034
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:17,359
Speaker 1: the patterns got here exactly right, or you may know

1035
00:53:17,400 --> 00:53:19,120
Speaker 1: how the patterns got here, but you don't see them,

1036
00:53:19,200 --> 00:53:21,799
Speaker 1: so you can go either way, um, you know, and

1037
00:53:21,840 --> 00:53:24,759
Speaker 1: then finally give yourself grace. I mean, these patterns have

1038
00:53:25,760 --> 00:53:31,279
Speaker 1: literally been embedded in our DNA, in our makeup for

1039
00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:36,600
Speaker 1: for a long period of time, and not hell overnight.

1040
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:39,359
Speaker 1: It takes a lot of time. So asking for help

1041
00:53:39,360 --> 00:53:42,280
Speaker 1: from a professional sometimes it's a great option to supplement

1042
00:53:42,320 --> 00:53:45,919
Speaker 1: these steps. Um. Sometimes the trauma that you encounter um

1043
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:48,280
Speaker 1: can be so ingrained that it may require a little

1044
00:53:48,280 --> 00:53:51,120
Speaker 1: extra work. But give yourself grace. It's stored up, and

1045
00:53:51,120 --> 00:53:53,040
Speaker 1: it's in the body and it's in the brain, and

1046
00:53:53,120 --> 00:53:57,480
Speaker 1: we need to release ourselves absolutely well. Listen, We're gonna

1047
00:53:57,520 --> 00:54:00,279
Speaker 1: take some time, give you guys a brain. This is

1048
00:54:00,280 --> 00:54:03,319
Speaker 1: a heavy episode. We gotta pay some bills, all right now,

1049
00:54:03,360 --> 00:54:06,360
Speaker 1: we're gonna come back try to tackle these listener letters.

1050
00:54:06,400 --> 00:54:09,120
Speaker 1: Like I said, and um, everything we're talking about today,

1051
00:54:09,360 --> 00:54:11,040
Speaker 1: it's not going to be fun. But this is something

1052
00:54:11,200 --> 00:54:13,960
Speaker 1: very very needed for our culture, our people, and for

1053
00:54:14,120 --> 00:54:17,120
Speaker 1: us just to heal one day at a time. So

1054
00:54:17,160 --> 00:54:18,879
Speaker 1: we're gonna get to these listener letters you may. We're

1055
00:54:18,880 --> 00:54:20,200
Speaker 1: gonna get to these as first and then come back

1056
00:54:20,200 --> 00:54:36,640
Speaker 1: to some listening letters. All right, and now we're back

1057
00:54:36,680 --> 00:54:40,080
Speaker 1: with listener letters. I would like to say that this

1058
00:54:40,120 --> 00:54:43,960
Speaker 1: is a majority of folks favorite time in the show. Um,

1059
00:54:44,000 --> 00:54:45,360
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna dive right in. I'm gonna read this

1060
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:47,200
Speaker 1: one for you, baby, and let's see what what two

1061
00:54:47,200 --> 00:54:50,640
Speaker 1: cents we have today. So I've been in and off

1062
00:54:50,880 --> 00:54:53,640
Speaker 1: again on again relationship with the father of my children

1063
00:54:53,640 --> 00:54:56,160
Speaker 1: for ten years. We have two kids, and we both

1064
00:54:56,160 --> 00:54:59,200
Speaker 1: realize that we're getting older. We're making plans together for

1065
00:54:59,239 --> 00:55:02,880
Speaker 1: the future. How Ever, our relationship hasn't or wasn't always

1066
00:55:02,920 --> 00:55:07,080
Speaker 1: the best. He was at one point mentally, physically and

1067
00:55:07,200 --> 00:55:11,239
Speaker 1: emotionally abusive. We haven't had that problem in a very

1068
00:55:11,280 --> 00:55:14,719
Speaker 1: long time. However, I do not think I'm over some

1069
00:55:14,760 --> 00:55:17,359
Speaker 1: of the things that has happened. I feel like I'm

1070
00:55:17,360 --> 00:55:19,920
Speaker 1: still holding onto resentment towards him, and I don't know

1071
00:55:20,000 --> 00:55:22,120
Speaker 1: what to do. He's a great father and has made

1072
00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:24,799
Speaker 1: so many changes to become a better man. I don't

1073
00:55:24,840 --> 00:55:28,080
Speaker 1: want to let the past stop my family from being together,

1074
00:55:28,239 --> 00:55:30,080
Speaker 1: but I also don't know if it's a good idea

1075
00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:32,840
Speaker 1: to move forward with marriage when I'm still holding resentment,

1076
00:55:33,280 --> 00:55:35,879
Speaker 1: I honestly just don't know what to do. Wow. Well, Um,

1077
00:55:35,920 --> 00:55:37,399
Speaker 1: the one thing I can say is that she didn't

1078
00:55:37,440 --> 00:55:42,279
Speaker 1: mention going to see help. She didn't go get therapy because. UM.

1079
00:55:42,320 --> 00:55:45,040
Speaker 1: What I also realized with with traumas is that sometimes

1080
00:55:45,040 --> 00:55:47,799
Speaker 1: the traumas you have are within and it's really not

1081
00:55:47,840 --> 00:55:49,920
Speaker 1: the person that you're with. You could be having some

1082
00:55:50,000 --> 00:55:54,120
Speaker 1: own some of your own inhibitions, you know, as a mom,

1083
00:55:54,160 --> 00:55:56,400
Speaker 1: but that doesn't help the fact that he was abusive before.

1084
00:55:57,120 --> 00:56:00,200
Speaker 1: So if she hasn't dealt with whatever is broken inside her,

1085
00:56:00,280 --> 00:56:03,320
Speaker 1: she'll never be able to forgive him, you know, because

1086
00:56:03,320 --> 00:56:05,080
Speaker 1: she hasn't dealt with that. So I think maybe she

1087
00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:07,920
Speaker 1: should find out why she can't forgive what's going on

1088
00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:11,399
Speaker 1: with her first, and then once she figures out why

1089
00:56:11,440 --> 00:56:14,439
Speaker 1: she can't forgive, if she still can't forgive. If she's

1090
00:56:14,480 --> 00:56:16,799
Speaker 1: figured that out, then she shouldn't forgive. But if she

1091
00:56:16,800 --> 00:56:18,160
Speaker 1: can figure that out and then say, you know what,

1092
00:56:18,200 --> 00:56:20,560
Speaker 1: it's worth working on my marriage, then I say she

1093
00:56:20,600 --> 00:56:23,160
Speaker 1: can move forward. But it's not an easy fix. UM.

1094
00:56:23,160 --> 00:56:25,200
Speaker 1: It's not just a yes or no. This is something

1095
00:56:25,239 --> 00:56:27,800
Speaker 1: you have to put work in. Um. There's two phases.

1096
00:56:27,960 --> 00:56:29,880
Speaker 1: There's a part where she has to work on herself

1097
00:56:29,920 --> 00:56:32,279
Speaker 1: first to figure out what the best thing for her,

1098
00:56:32,560 --> 00:56:33,960
Speaker 1: then have to work on what's the best thing for

1099
00:56:34,000 --> 00:56:36,960
Speaker 1: her marriage. Yeah, I'm wondering this resentment that she's holding,

1100
00:56:37,160 --> 00:56:39,960
Speaker 1: Is it uh something that she's discussed with him too?

1101
00:56:40,000 --> 00:56:43,280
Speaker 1: Does he know that she's still harboring these feelings of resentment?

1102
00:56:43,640 --> 00:56:48,000
Speaker 1: Has every an open dialogue between her and her significant other,

1103
00:56:48,400 --> 00:56:51,200
Speaker 1: so he knows how much this has affected her and

1104
00:56:51,239 --> 00:56:53,239
Speaker 1: still affects her to this day. Because if they're making

1105
00:56:53,239 --> 00:56:55,520
Speaker 1: plans for the future, she says that we are making

1106
00:56:55,560 --> 00:56:58,120
Speaker 1: plans for the future, then I would assume that he

1107
00:56:58,320 --> 00:57:01,120
Speaker 1: is in a space where he's, you know, ready to

1108
00:57:01,160 --> 00:57:03,200
Speaker 1: move on to the next phase. But if she's being

1109
00:57:03,200 --> 00:57:05,719
Speaker 1: with hell, I think therapy is a great way to

1110
00:57:05,719 --> 00:57:08,160
Speaker 1: tom to kind of get down to the root of

1111
00:57:08,239 --> 00:57:11,359
Speaker 1: the problem and the root of the resentment. Um. You know,

1112
00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:14,640
Speaker 1: some people may not recover from right, some people the

1113
00:57:14,719 --> 00:57:17,600
Speaker 1: most physical and emotional abuse, and that's fine, and that's

1114
00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:19,640
Speaker 1: that's fine. If if there's something that you're not willing

1115
00:57:19,640 --> 00:57:22,080
Speaker 1: to deal with or try to get over, that's perfectly fine.

1116
00:57:22,320 --> 00:57:24,960
Speaker 1: The problem is, though, is that they have two children.

1117
00:57:25,480 --> 00:57:29,200
Speaker 1: And I know people talk about the degenerational trauma that

1118
00:57:29,200 --> 00:57:32,600
Speaker 1: happens through divorce, but there are generational traumas that happened

1119
00:57:32,600 --> 00:57:38,240
Speaker 1: excuse me, through staying today because children. Yes, it's literally

1120
00:57:38,280 --> 00:57:41,680
Speaker 1: like a pylon at that. Children know when Codeine and

1121
00:57:41,720 --> 00:57:44,720
Speaker 1: I are arguing or not even arguing, when Condeine and

1122
00:57:44,760 --> 00:57:47,560
Speaker 1: I wake up upset at each other because we were

1123
00:57:47,560 --> 00:57:49,960
Speaker 1: having an argument the night before, and Jackson, all the

1124
00:57:49,960 --> 00:57:52,200
Speaker 1: boys come in the room. They come in the room

1125
00:57:52,200 --> 00:57:54,840
Speaker 1: completely different, as if there was a note on the

1126
00:57:54,880 --> 00:57:57,640
Speaker 1: door saying mom and Dad just arguing, you know, like

1127
00:57:57,680 --> 00:58:00,400
Speaker 1: they walk in there quiet, they walk over, don't say

1128
00:58:00,400 --> 00:58:03,200
Speaker 1: nothing to me, They work over here, Mommy, you okay?

1129
00:58:03,240 --> 00:58:04,840
Speaker 1: And I'm like, how they why do they go over

1130
00:58:04,880 --> 00:58:09,440
Speaker 1: to her first? Of course, the boys will always check

1131
00:58:09,480 --> 00:58:11,320
Speaker 1: on Mama first, which is the way. This is the

1132
00:58:11,320 --> 00:58:12,600
Speaker 1: way I want them to be, which is the way

1133
00:58:12,640 --> 00:58:15,560
Speaker 1: I raised them. So I appreciate that Jacks and Kyrae cas,

1134
00:58:15,600 --> 00:58:18,800
Speaker 1: but sometimes staying together for the kids is the worst

1135
00:58:18,840 --> 00:58:20,919
Speaker 1: thing you can do for the kids. So I would

1136
00:58:20,960 --> 00:58:22,439
Speaker 1: say try to you know, try to get some help

1137
00:58:22,800 --> 00:58:25,400
Speaker 1: um work on yourself internally, then work on your marriage

1138
00:58:25,760 --> 00:58:28,120
Speaker 1: and to your children too. And see if they haven't

1139
00:58:28,120 --> 00:58:31,840
Speaker 1: affected any in any circumstance or any way by this circumstance,

1140
00:58:31,880 --> 00:58:35,520
Speaker 1: because depending on their ages, they probably know if they

1141
00:58:36,520 --> 00:58:39,200
Speaker 1: robust four year old like Cairo, they know exactly what

1142
00:58:39,280 --> 00:58:40,720
Speaker 1: time it is. That is you know what I mean.

1143
00:58:41,680 --> 00:58:44,560
Speaker 1: So I would say it starts with healing yourself first,

1144
00:58:44,840 --> 00:58:47,400
Speaker 1: finding out, you know, is this resentment something that you

1145
00:58:47,480 --> 00:58:49,760
Speaker 1: can get past and seeing the effects that it has

1146
00:58:49,760 --> 00:58:54,000
Speaker 1: on your child Absolutely would definitely be a great place

1147
00:58:54,040 --> 00:58:58,120
Speaker 1: to start. I'm right. Well, if you'd like to be

1148
00:58:58,200 --> 00:59:01,400
Speaker 1: featured as one of our listeners letters, be sure to

1149
00:59:01,520 --> 00:59:05,960
Speaker 1: email us at dead s Advice at gmail dot com. Yes,

1150
00:59:06,120 --> 00:59:08,920
Speaker 1: that's d e A d A d v I c E.

1151
00:59:10,520 --> 00:59:15,120
Speaker 1: You sure you left out the s. Think about as

1152
00:59:16,480 --> 00:59:18,640
Speaker 1: I was think about giving dead advice. I want to

1153
00:59:18,680 --> 00:59:22,280
Speaker 1: give advice to people want bade want to That's d

1154
00:59:22,440 --> 00:59:25,160
Speaker 1: e A d A S S A d V I

1155
00:59:25,240 --> 00:59:28,880
Speaker 1: c E at gmail dot com. All right, on to

1156
00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:32,480
Speaker 1: the moment of truth. Let me tell you were great

1157
00:59:32,560 --> 00:59:34,520
Speaker 1: this episode. I want to say I almost felt like

1158
00:59:34,560 --> 00:59:37,080
Speaker 1: I was like interviewing you, But like I said earlier

1159
00:59:37,080 --> 00:59:39,040
Speaker 1: in the show, it was necessary because I know you've

1160
00:59:39,080 --> 00:59:42,320
Speaker 1: been doing a lot of research lately about this. Um

1161
00:59:42,320 --> 00:59:47,240
Speaker 1: as we get this children's book out, which has been great. Um,

1162
00:59:47,400 --> 00:59:49,160
Speaker 1: that's the name of the book project, the name of

1163
00:59:49,160 --> 00:59:51,919
Speaker 1: the book, the Ellis Is and the time Machine. Why

1164
00:59:51,920 --> 00:59:55,919
Speaker 1: do we say black lives matter facts? So in doing that,

1165
00:59:55,960 --> 00:59:57,840
Speaker 1: you've had a ton of research that I feel like

1166
00:59:57,880 --> 01:00:01,040
Speaker 1: I'm still learning more and more, which is amazing because

1167
01:00:01,080 --> 01:00:03,400
Speaker 1: I grew up in America as a child that went

1168
01:00:03,400 --> 01:00:07,440
Speaker 1: through an entire school system that still has to educate

1169
01:00:07,480 --> 01:00:10,280
Speaker 1: my own self on some of my history and the

1170
01:00:10,320 --> 01:00:13,720
Speaker 1: things that really matter for sure, for sure. So I

1171
01:00:13,720 --> 01:00:16,160
Speaker 1: think my moment of truth today Normally I'll give pitch

1172
01:00:16,240 --> 01:00:17,800
Speaker 1: to you, but I'll just get in my not the

1173
01:00:17,800 --> 01:00:19,280
Speaker 1: way because you had a lot of things that you

1174
01:00:19,320 --> 01:00:21,640
Speaker 1: had to say today, which we're amazing. Um. But I

1175
01:00:21,680 --> 01:00:24,800
Speaker 1: think my moment of truth is, you know, there's not

1176
01:00:24,880 --> 01:00:27,800
Speaker 1: going to be a way for us to actively and

1177
01:00:27,920 --> 01:00:33,520
Speaker 1: effectively fight the bigger fight if we're not healing the

1178
01:00:33,560 --> 01:00:38,160
Speaker 1: generational traumas within the nuclear family, the nuclear and extended.

1179
01:00:38,200 --> 01:00:40,760
Speaker 1: I should say, so healing the house first. We will

1180
01:00:40,800 --> 01:00:44,200
Speaker 1: then be in a better I feel, mental space, emotional

1181
01:00:44,240 --> 01:00:47,520
Speaker 1: space to then tackle the world because we are existing

1182
01:00:47,600 --> 01:00:50,400
Speaker 1: in a space in a world where we're up against

1183
01:00:50,960 --> 01:00:54,720
Speaker 1: so many different, so many different obstacles. So if you

1184
01:00:54,760 --> 01:00:57,400
Speaker 1: can create that peace at home by having those discussions

1185
01:00:57,440 --> 01:00:59,880
Speaker 1: that may be difficult, you know, calling out Uncle so

1186
01:01:00,080 --> 01:01:02,520
Speaker 1: and soul for something, or pulling out Auntie so and

1187
01:01:02,560 --> 01:01:05,479
Speaker 1: Soul or grandma or grandpa or Auntie whoever it is,

1188
01:01:05,800 --> 01:01:08,680
Speaker 1: calling them out early and trying to get past that

1189
01:01:08,760 --> 01:01:10,320
Speaker 1: and then knowing that we're not going to have to

1190
01:01:10,320 --> 01:01:15,640
Speaker 1: trickle down effect of those generational traumas to future generations. Absolutely, um,

1191
01:01:15,680 --> 01:01:17,920
Speaker 1: I think you you hit it right on the head. Um.

1192
01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:19,439
Speaker 1: The only thing I would add to that, my moment

1193
01:01:19,520 --> 01:01:21,200
Speaker 1: of truth for today is that the best way to

1194
01:01:21,240 --> 01:01:24,360
Speaker 1: cure generational traumas is understanding your history. And it's not

1195
01:01:24,800 --> 01:01:27,240
Speaker 1: good enough for you to just know your family history.

1196
01:01:27,280 --> 01:01:29,560
Speaker 1: You have to know your culture's history because if you

1197
01:01:29,560 --> 01:01:33,120
Speaker 1: can understand why your family is in the situation is in,

1198
01:01:33,600 --> 01:01:36,120
Speaker 1: you better understand who your family is. You know, because

1199
01:01:36,160 --> 01:01:37,680
Speaker 1: when you start with family, you can't just start with

1200
01:01:37,720 --> 01:01:40,320
Speaker 1: the one uncle. You can't start with your grandfather. You

1201
01:01:40,400 --> 01:01:43,880
Speaker 1: gotta understand how their ancestors got to where we are

1202
01:01:43,920 --> 01:01:46,640
Speaker 1: so that you can have empathy and give them grace

1203
01:01:46,680 --> 01:01:50,480
Speaker 1: to then fix what they were creating because to be honest,

1204
01:01:50,520 --> 01:01:52,600
Speaker 1: everybody at that point was doing what they thought was

1205
01:01:52,640 --> 01:01:55,720
Speaker 1: the best for them and their children at that time.

1206
01:01:56,080 --> 01:01:58,640
Speaker 1: We can always sit back and judge, look at the

1207
01:01:58,680 --> 01:02:01,120
Speaker 1: past and say, y'all shouldn't have did this, But that's

1208
01:02:01,160 --> 01:02:04,400
Speaker 1: unfair because our kids and our kids kids are gonna

1209
01:02:04,400 --> 01:02:05,880
Speaker 1: look back on us and say, mom and dad, you

1210
01:02:05,920 --> 01:02:08,240
Speaker 1: should have never done that. While we're trying to do

1211
01:02:08,280 --> 01:02:09,680
Speaker 1: that and we're trying to do the best we can

1212
01:02:10,160 --> 01:02:13,200
Speaker 1: with what we have, but why are you doing better? Yeah?

1213
01:02:13,200 --> 01:02:15,960
Speaker 1: The best way to your generational to traumas is to

1214
01:02:16,080 --> 01:02:21,840
Speaker 1: understand your history period all right now, So if you

1215
01:02:23,320 --> 01:02:25,200
Speaker 1: follow us on social media, you should be at this point.

1216
01:02:25,240 --> 01:02:28,400
Speaker 1: Please thank you. Be sure to find us on social

1217
01:02:28,440 --> 01:02:33,080
Speaker 1: media at dead Ass the Podcast and of course I'm Cadeine,

1218
01:02:33,160 --> 01:02:35,640
Speaker 1: I am and I am Devouring. If you're listening on

1219
01:02:35,720 --> 01:02:40,920
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe. Dead

1220
01:02:40,960 --> 01:02:44,520
Speaker 1: As dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media

1221
01:02:44,600 --> 01:02:47,960
Speaker 1: podcast Network and is produced by the Norapinia and Triple

1222
01:02:48,320 --> 01:02:50,800
Speaker 1: Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the

1223
01:02:50,880 --> 01:03:01,080
Speaker 1: Podcasts and Never miss a Thing Les