Speaker 1: Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda land Audio
Speaker 1: in partnership with I Heart Radio. Just a quick disclaimer,
Speaker 1: this episode was recorded pre pandemic. Let's talk about sex, baby,
Speaker 1: Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all
Speaker 1: the good things and the bad things that may be
Speaker 1: let is that maybe your baby? Did I even mess
Speaker 1: up the lyrics already? Guys, Welcome back to Katie's Crib today.
Speaker 1: I want to strip down our vulnerabilities pun intended, and
Speaker 1: I need to talk about sex. I'm sure many of
Speaker 1: us have burning questions on our mind, so I want
Speaker 1: to be open and discussing sex in a very healthy
Speaker 1: and informative way. Yes, I did just sing that incredible song,
Speaker 1: but there is is a very vulnerable, triggering topic. I've
Speaker 1: invited Dr Shannon Chavez to join me. She is a
Speaker 1: nationally recognized expert therapist and educator specializing in all sexuality
Speaker 1: yes please, including help for men, women, l g B,
Speaker 1: t q I A, and couples. Dr Chavez utilizes a
Speaker 1: mind body approach to sexual health and wellness and will
Speaker 1: help address some of my freaking questions because I've got
Speaker 1: a lot of them. Hi, Doctor Shavin, Hi, Katie, thank
Speaker 1: you for having me. Honestly, this podcast is such a
Speaker 1: gift in my life because meeting a sex therapist has
Speaker 1: been on my to do list for years and see
Speaker 1: now I just get to use Katie's script to make
Speaker 1: it happen. So like, thanks so much for being here. Um,
Speaker 1: can you tell us what you do? What the heck
Speaker 1: is a sex therapy? Sex therapy is a type of
Speaker 1: psychotherapy that focuses on sexual health, sexual concerns, maybe people
Speaker 1: learning about their sexual identity, and then also a lot
Speaker 1: of it's coaching and education because let's face it, how
Speaker 1: many of us actually had decent sex? Said? I mean,
Speaker 1: even if you did have a great, you know, open
Speaker 1: relationship with your parents where they like had conversations with
Speaker 1: you and not just like one conversation like the birds
Speaker 1: in the situation and an uncomfortable conversation. I know my
Speaker 1: mother was terrified and uncomfortable, which then people see and
Speaker 1: then you get this idea that sex is scary or
Speaker 1: uncomfortable or bad or dirty, trouble dirty exactly? Um, do
Speaker 1: you work mostly with individuals or couples? Kind of all
Speaker 1: of it even throubles people that are in polyamorous relationships.
Speaker 1: That have more than one partner, I would say it's
Speaker 1: basically anyone and everyone, And it doesn't have to be
Speaker 1: a couple in a relationship because people have sexual issues
Speaker 1: even outside of of couple ships. So I think it's
Speaker 1: about any aspect of sexuality, And because so much of
Speaker 1: it is education based, it's about learning about your body,
Speaker 1: body image, being able to know how all of these
Speaker 1: parts work. I mean, living in this culture, how do
Speaker 1: we not feel some sort of shame around sexuality? Absolutely
Speaker 1: in my my history of this, like I had a
Speaker 1: miscarriage and then you know, it's me a while to
Speaker 1: get my period back to a regular place to try
Speaker 1: start trying again to have a baby. And I went
Speaker 1: to a fertility acupuncturist and she was explaining to me
Speaker 1: the difference in my discharge too when I was ovulating.
Speaker 1: I was so horrified that, like I didn't know that
Speaker 1: on my own because we're not educated about our bodies
Speaker 1: and like what's going on? And she was like, well,
Speaker 1: when is it egg white and yoki and when is
Speaker 1: it clear? And when is it this? And that means
Speaker 1: that and that means that, and I was like, holy shit,
Speaker 1: I don't, like I don't know about my own body
Speaker 1: at all. And we're not taught these things. We're not
Speaker 1: taught these things, or we're uncomfortable talking about these things,
Speaker 1: especially discharge. Discharge guys, hashtag discharge anybody interested in that? Hashtag? Hey,
Speaker 1: what's going on with you down there? You know, here's
Speaker 1: where I'm on this week. But we should I mean,
Speaker 1: I get so many questions from women that are is
Speaker 1: this normal? What should it smell like? Feel like? All
Speaker 1: of these and it's you know, discharge is a good thing,
Speaker 1: so hashtag discharges good. But like, come on, guys, healthy
Speaker 1: sex life it comes from healthy discharge. You welcome? Can
Speaker 1: you talk to me about this? I was very interested
Speaker 1: in this mind body approach to sex that you have.
Speaker 1: Sounds amazing, you know, it's it's a lot simpler than
Speaker 1: maybe people may think. I think we we think a
Speaker 1: lot about sex. I mean, we are the only species
Speaker 1: that intellectualizes sex to the point where we plan it
Speaker 1: and we think about what it should look like and fantasize,
Speaker 1: but almost to our detriment because we do it to
Speaker 1: the point where we develop these mental barriers. Do I
Speaker 1: look okay, does it look sexy enough? Am I doing
Speaker 1: it right? We focus on all of the mechanics. So
Speaker 1: what I try to get people to do is kind
Speaker 1: of relax in your body, to let go of the
Speaker 1: expectations and the goals and you know what my genitals
Speaker 1: are doing, and just really enjoy a sensory experience of pleasures.
Speaker 1: So that is about listening to your body. I mean,
Speaker 1: maybe your body doesn't want to be touched there, or
Speaker 1: it likes to be touched in a place that you
Speaker 1: wouldn't really think that is your pleasure zone. So it's
Speaker 1: about connecting with the body, slowing down, getting out of
Speaker 1: the monkey brain, because we're all kind of there in
Speaker 1: these stressed, overworked lifestyles, so we carry that into our
Speaker 1: sex lives. And people are distracted, they're bored, they're not
Speaker 1: feeling excited about pleasure. So mind body work is really
Speaker 1: about kind of getting them to like when you're getting
Speaker 1: like a Yogi sort of state where it's like you
Speaker 1: are connected to your body and being at this place
Speaker 1: in this moment, not for any sort of agenda or
Speaker 1: to do list in quieting your mind. God, I can't
Speaker 1: even I mean, if you think about it, sex is
Speaker 1: really primal. We are animals, just like any other species,
Speaker 1: you know, we need to use our senses to get
Speaker 1: turned on. Our sense of smell is our strongest sense
Speaker 1: when it comes to desire. Yes, So when people talk
Speaker 1: about pheromones, I feel like people are talking about smells.
Speaker 1: Maybe is that something else? What is the pheromoney? Interesting? So,
Speaker 1: pheromones actually don't have a scent, but they evoke emotion.
Speaker 1: We have receptors in our nose that if we pick
Speaker 1: up a scent of a partner and we have a
Speaker 1: good pheromone match, we actually may feel attraction. In chemistry,
Speaker 1: if you've ever been around someone, maybe on a really
Speaker 1: bad first date, and you just realize you kind of
Speaker 1: cringed around the person, it maybe scientifically that you're a
Speaker 1: bad pheromone mess. And also I've hooked up with dudes
Speaker 1: who have been like not into physic like I'm not
Speaker 1: attracted to them. Like I wouldn't pick them up off
Speaker 1: the street. I wouldn't pick them. I mean I definitely wouldn't,
Speaker 1: but I would pick them up in a bar or
Speaker 1: whatever the hell. I've definitely had a thing where like
Speaker 1: a dude has kissed me and I've been like holy shit,
Speaker 1: like I want to eat your whole face, bot Like
Speaker 1: I can't fucking take it enough? Like yes, and it
Speaker 1: was like it was an animalistic pheromone thing. Yes, that's
Speaker 1: exactly what it was. Thank you science for giving us this. Yes, um,
Speaker 1: this mind body approach. Um. Do you feel like it
Speaker 1: really helps your couples and your individuals achieve sexual satisfaction?
Speaker 1: I do, actually, because I think people come in and
Speaker 1: they're stressed out. You know what, I hear people say,
Speaker 1: I don't have time for sex. I'm tired. I have
Speaker 1: too much to have time for sex. Help me therapy
Speaker 1: right now? What do I do about this? If someone said, hey,
Speaker 1: you're going to go on a vacation, You're gonna go
Speaker 1: to a spa for a week, we get excited about that.
Speaker 1: We don't say, what a grueling task. So we think
Speaker 1: of it as something that's going to be relaxing, rewarding,
Speaker 1: and we're motivated to do it. But sex has become
Speaker 1: a chore and work because I think again those expectations.
Speaker 1: We have to get turned on, have an orgasm, a
Speaker 1: penis has to get hard, I have to get lubricated,
Speaker 1: and because there's so much to do involved, it feels
Speaker 1: like work. And I think sometimes sex can be let's
Speaker 1: just get naked and play around, you know, play, adult
Speaker 1: play is really what sex is like. I don't know
Speaker 1: when it started to be a thing where like every
Speaker 1: time you're intimate with your partner or somebody, it has
Speaker 1: to involve penetration, has to involve orgasm on both parties
Speaker 1: to to be able to check it off the list
Speaker 1: that like bone. I love the word bone guys. Um,
Speaker 1: bone town is what I like. Go on a bone town. Um.
Speaker 1: Why it's such a shitty thing, Like it just sucks
Speaker 1: because I really enjoy a lot of things that aren't
Speaker 1: that exactly, and most women less than timber cent and
Speaker 1: women can orgasm from penetration alone. Is that true? Ladies?
Speaker 1: Are you curious? It's all about the clitterest, which the
Speaker 1: majority of the clitteral anatomy is external. So we need friction,
Speaker 1: we need tongus fingers. Yes, I hear that a lot
Speaker 1: from my clients. Can I get some more fingers than
Speaker 1: my life? And it's just a thing that I think
Speaker 1: we need more of. So I completely agree intercourse is
Speaker 1: over rated. It's been the focus of sex. If it
Speaker 1: doesn't happen, It's the main course for a lot of people,
Speaker 1: and on average, the average inner course last maybe five minutes. Wow, guys,
Speaker 1: this is a epic podcast for me today. So thus
Speaker 1: far we have learned les than ten percent of women
Speaker 1: can achieve orgasm through just penetrations, and that that the
Speaker 1: majority of our clitters. And I wear this necklace to
Speaker 1: show people what the clitterest really looks like. Wait what, guys,
Speaker 1: I will be taking a photo of this. I will
Speaker 1: be posting it alongside this podcast. You're welcome. Also, it's gorgeous.
Speaker 1: It's more than just a button. People think it's this
Speaker 1: cute little button. Now you licking stroke, It's the bean
Speaker 1: thingy underneath the hood thinging. It's got legs, it's got wings,
Speaker 1: It's got a shaft that you can stroke and becomes erect,
Speaker 1: just like a I don't like to call it a
Speaker 1: little penis because I think it's a lot more vast
Speaker 1: than a penis. Has eight nerve endings in just the
Speaker 1: head itself. So a lot of women don't even know
Speaker 1: what this looks like. I've truly never seen that. Like
Speaker 1: that looks like an umbrella, looks like a wish bone
Speaker 1: or a wish bone times too. That's incredible. Did you
Speaker 1: design that? Actually? A good friend of mine. She's an
Speaker 1: artist in New York. Her name is um Sophia Wallace,
Speaker 1: and she's basically an artist to crib notes the clitterest.
Speaker 1: That is what she kind of promotes to her art
Speaker 1: is teaching women about the clitterest because it's our main
Speaker 1: organ of pleasure. And if we're not getting the right
Speaker 1: stimulation to our bodies, to the clitterest, our main organ
Speaker 1: of pleasure, then we're not having orgasms. We're not we're
Speaker 1: not conditioning our bodies for good sex. So we probably
Speaker 1: are bored in the bedroom. We probably are feeling disconnected
Speaker 1: or checked out, especially if a partner is just really
Speaker 1: excited about intercourse and not giving us for play and
Speaker 1: not doing the things that our body needs to feel good. Now,
Speaker 1: my whole sexual experience post baby has been a roller coast. Right,
Speaker 1: whether you gave birth vaginally, through C section, whatever you
Speaker 1: carry the baby, your body has been used. It's just different. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think, um, but I can remember talking with all
Speaker 1: my girlfriends about like, holy sh it, have you been
Speaker 1: cleared by Robie? Like you're allowed to have sex with
Speaker 1: your husband? Should you tell him? Should you not? How
Speaker 1: much booze do you need to get through this? What
Speaker 1: the funk are we gonna do? And then I just
Speaker 1: heard buckets of lube, buckets of wine and just pray,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, because a lot of us
Speaker 1: that had stitches, and um, we're scared. It was amazing
Speaker 1: and it was not bad at all. And thank god,
Speaker 1: if you have the right partner, thank you Adam Shapiro. Um,
Speaker 1: it can be a great thing and not so scary.
Speaker 1: But like I was petrified, and even now still like
Speaker 1: I I get flashes in my brain of like breastfeeding
Speaker 1: my son during when we're hooking up, and I'm just like, ah, like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, what what's happening? So many different things
Speaker 1: I've like fed and grown a human and this is insane,
Speaker 1: and like, um, is it bad to have those thoughts?
Speaker 1: I'm sure a lot of women have them. A lot
Speaker 1: of women have them, I mean, and that is the norm.
Speaker 1: And I think the more we talk about it, the
Speaker 1: more we normalize it, because if every woman is having it,
Speaker 1: it's part of the experience instead of a lot of
Speaker 1: women feel very isolated. Am I the only one who
Speaker 1: doesn't feel any desire? I mean, I don't want to
Speaker 1: be touched, I don't want my breast touched. I don't
Speaker 1: want anything to do with sex right now. There's a
Speaker 1: there's different components. There's the biological component, I mean, your
Speaker 1: hormone changes. Your body has gone through a major trauma.
Speaker 1: We don't really talk about that because women are so resilient,
Speaker 1: but it's it's a trauma to the body, and trauma
Speaker 1: affects your nervous system, it affects your anatomy, it affects
Speaker 1: your mental and emotional health, and we just have to
Speaker 1: talk about that. What I find is that a lot
Speaker 1: of new moms don't have a lot of support at
Speaker 1: all at all. I mean, we don't talk about postpartum blues,
Speaker 1: which is cent or more women, which let's just say
Speaker 1: pretty much every woman having a child is going to
Speaker 1: go through that unbelievable. And also when your doctor just
Speaker 1: clears you at six weeks, which is also insane, that
Speaker 1: you literally go through a birth and the trauma of
Speaker 1: having a baby and you're allowed through insurance. One doctor's visit,
Speaker 1: she like checks your regina and she's like good luck,
Speaker 1: and you're like, wait, what exactly? No consoling or you know,
Speaker 1: picking is why we trying gonna be okay, Like I
Speaker 1: don't know what's happening and what if I get hurt?
Speaker 1: And how do am I to think about this? And yes, exactly,
Speaker 1: And I think it's about taking it slow. So again,
Speaker 1: we don't want to jump back into old routine and
Speaker 1: patterns because your body has changed you. I think this
Speaker 1: is a great opportunity to explore new ways to be sexual.
Speaker 1: Let's focus on outer course. What tell me is outer
Speaker 1: courses thing? It's a thing? I mean, we want to
Speaker 1: focus on pleasuring the body outside again, outside of intercourse,
Speaker 1: what are other ways you can pleasure and may start
Speaker 1: with a sensual touch and connection, you know. I think
Speaker 1: if a partner is so adamant on having intercourse and
Speaker 1: my penis needs to be a part of sex, then
Speaker 1: your partner needs to learn new ways to experience so
Speaker 1: many new there's plenty of opportunity to find new ways
Speaker 1: to be sexual. And I think this is a great
Speaker 1: time to do that. Post partum, when you're healing, your recouping,
Speaker 1: your coping with the changes, and adjusting to new mom life,
Speaker 1: which just is what it is. You're going to be tired,
Speaker 1: You're going to be touched out at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, and we just want to be able to
Speaker 1: say that's okay. What would you recommend for people to
Speaker 1: start with, just starting with maybe just being in connect
Speaker 1: in old school, straight up East Coast makeout. Maybe maybe
Speaker 1: like a nice session stuff before making out. Maybe some
Speaker 1: just like nice touching. Maybe a little dry humping, not
Speaker 1: too much, not too you know, something small that just
Speaker 1: as pleasurable. Dry hump. I'm all about the dry hump.
Speaker 1: I really think we should bring it back. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I haven't talked about a dry hump since probably high
Speaker 1: school or college. My clients are about it a lot,
Speaker 1: because again, women need friction, and how many women will
Speaker 1: say I had my first orgasm through a nice dry
Speaker 1: hump in high school? Yes, also, can we bring this back, ladies,
Speaker 1: Let's bring back the dry hump. It's been a minute.
Speaker 1: I'm wow. What about this old wives tale You can't
Speaker 1: have sex during pregnancy because the guy's penis or her
Speaker 1: strap on or whatever the hell you're using or dildo
Speaker 1: is too big and it's going to hurt the baby.
Speaker 1: That is absolutely not true unless he has some abnormally
Speaker 1: large penis that can Again, I think that is just
Speaker 1: a myth. It's this is a good thing to know.
Speaker 1: If you're fully aroused during sex, your vaginal canal actually
Speaker 1: elongates from three to four inches to six to eight,
Speaker 1: so it elongates in order to allow enough room for penetration.
Speaker 1: So I would say the only issue is if you're
Speaker 1: not aroused and you're just kind of tying intense, then
Speaker 1: there may be a chance that your your body's tense,
Speaker 1: that it could be not only painful lack of lubrication,
Speaker 1: but maybe it's uncomfortable more than anything. But I think
Speaker 1: there's just a lot of myth around. You know, the
Speaker 1: baby is going to get damage. And I think it's
Speaker 1: actually really great for women to have sex during pregnancy.
Speaker 1: Again for the hormonal fluctuations, it's good for your pelvic
Speaker 1: floor muscles, so there's a lot of benefit. Some women
Speaker 1: I know are like super horny, right, I mean that
Speaker 1: was not my experience, but I do have friends that
Speaker 1: it was their experience, which sounds very exciting. The women
Speaker 1: who are nine and a half months pregnant who are
Speaker 1: having sex, I mean, power to them, Like that is incredible,
Speaker 1: like incredible. I don't even know what positions you would
Speaker 1: be in, Like what the hell You've got to be
Speaker 1: really creative? There's actually sex books all about positions during
Speaker 1: pregnancy that you recommend. I can give you a list.
Speaker 1: We're going to put them in Katie's crib notes links
Speaker 1: guys to the Clitteriest Necklace. Two books about what sexual
Speaker 1: positions are great during pregnancy. I'm going to read that
Speaker 1: if I were pregnant again. Okay, UM, tell me about
Speaker 1: how partners can help post baby. I know we talked
Speaker 1: about I days and we talked about the dry humping um,
Speaker 1: but I do feel I feel kind of bad for
Speaker 1: the partners. You know, I've never asked him, but I
Speaker 1: bet he Adam was pretty freaked out too. I mean,
Speaker 1: he watched me do that, So I've like never asked him, like,
Speaker 1: are you freaked out to have sex post baby? Like
Speaker 1: are you? Yeah? Actually, speaking from most partners that I've
Speaker 1: talked to in therapy, they are scared. You know, I
Speaker 1: don't want to hurt you. Am I going to injure you?
Speaker 1: How should we get back to a place of being sexual?
Speaker 1: And so I think just have some open conversations about it.
Speaker 1: It's all about communication. And I know, maybe uncomfortable and vulnerable,
Speaker 1: but you're both going through the same thing. You want
Speaker 1: to be able to come together as a team and
Speaker 1: figure it out. It shouldn't be only on you to
Speaker 1: figure out how do we kind of get back into
Speaker 1: a routine and and maybe set some realistic expectations. Start
Speaker 1: slow and build up to maybe a full sexual experience,
Speaker 1: but just start with maybe talking about sex. What do
Speaker 1: we want our sex life to look like now? What
Speaker 1: are our needs? What our needs now? Because that's what
Speaker 1: changes most postpartum is your needs change. Do you find
Speaker 1: across the board that people with babies just have way
Speaker 1: less sex? Yes, what are we supposed to do about it?
Speaker 1: And that's okay? I think sometimes it's okay to take
Speaker 1: a sex break. I think our society puts a lot
Speaker 1: of pressure that we always have to be sexual, and
Speaker 1: I think all of that is subjective. You can be
Speaker 1: non sexual and still be a healthy sexual being. So
Speaker 1: it's not always about frequency. It's about the quality of sex.
Speaker 1: So you can have one great quality sexual experience and
Speaker 1: maybe that fills both of your needs for a while.
Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be about keeping a schedule and
Speaker 1: we have to do this, or we're the only couple
Speaker 1: not having sex every week, every other day. Whatever. It
Speaker 1: makes dream of a conversation because as you listeners all know,
Speaker 1: I'm like a super goal oriented type, a list maker,
Speaker 1: and so when sex sex fucked, oh it's horrible. But
Speaker 1: when I sit here and I talked to you, I'm
Speaker 1: also someone who because I'm an actor and artist, I
Speaker 1: do understand like being in the flow of something and
Speaker 1: letting go and and and really understanding that that is
Speaker 1: a rewarding thing. But we have jobs, we're taking on
Speaker 1: the world, We're doing all this stuff. And then when
Speaker 1: someone as to you, well, you don't have a healthy
Speaker 1: sex life unless you check that thing off three times
Speaker 1: a week on some fucking list, you know, that is
Speaker 1: definitely in my head. And so I definitely had a
Speaker 1: conversation with my girlfriends how many times are you doing
Speaker 1: it a week? Like? Why is that the conversation? It sucks?
Speaker 1: I guess you should really be like I had an amazing,
Speaker 1: like dry hump last night, I got fingered and you
Speaker 1: wouldn't believe it was amazing list night exactly. I agree,
Speaker 1: because you can't really fail at sex. But we have
Speaker 1: set up these mindsets of either we're doing really well
Speaker 1: and doing it enough and succeeding, or we're not. So
Speaker 1: it's this, you know, black and white way of looking
Speaker 1: at sex, And I think sex is not something we do.
Speaker 1: If we think of it like that, then it is
Speaker 1: going to be just another thing to check off the
Speaker 1: box or you know, something we have to get done.
Speaker 1: But I think of it as an experience. Every sexual
Speaker 1: experience is different, even if you're doing it the same
Speaker 1: way in the same position. It's kind of like creative work.
Speaker 1: You know. Our libido is really our life force that
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with just being sexual. It's what
Speaker 1: we put towards things that we desire and we're passionate about.
Speaker 1: So sometimes we do put a lot of it towards
Speaker 1: our work, or we put it towards our family, But
Speaker 1: it's just about what excites us, what gets that energy going.
Speaker 1: And I think with vacation, like you said, you get excited,
Speaker 1: you think about it, you fantasize about it, you start
Speaker 1: thinking about the food you're going to eat, all the
Speaker 1: pleasures of vacation, and that turns you on. And so
Speaker 1: that's what we need to do for sex, is think
Speaker 1: about those things and be really mindful of what that
Speaker 1: is for us. How do you give tips to moms
Speaker 1: about increasing their sex stress, Like do those pills at
Speaker 1: seven eleven, do not do those pilen being a waitress
Speaker 1: here in l A and this girl was into those pills.
Speaker 1: Like this other waitress was like, oh, like my boyfriend's
Speaker 1: coming into town. Like I'm just stapped by seven eleven.
Speaker 1: Getting those pills. You will remain nameless, but they don't
Speaker 1: work right. You know, it'll give you a lot of energy,
Speaker 1: but you may be a little bit over stimulated. So
Speaker 1: it's basically an energy, big energy. It's basically like take
Speaker 1: drinking three cups of coffee right before you have sex.
Speaker 1: That would be horrible for me. What a terrible mix
Speaker 1: would be enery and tremory. Yeah, it's I don't think
Speaker 1: that would be the most comfortable. But sometimes energy is
Speaker 1: a big issue, So let's talk about that, because if
Speaker 1: you are fatigued and you're just completely zapped out at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, then it's going to be
Speaker 1: difficult to kind of get in the mood and get
Speaker 1: ready for sex. So often I tell people to really
Speaker 1: change it up if you're always waiting till the last
Speaker 1: minute at the end of the day. I actually think
Speaker 1: the end of the day is the worst time to
Speaker 1: have I am in that capoy. Don't talk to me,
Speaker 1: even as the sex piss, last thing I want to
Speaker 1: do is go home and think about having sex with
Speaker 1: my husband. So it's just about trying new ways to
Speaker 1: be sexual. Maybe you have a little bit a little
Speaker 1: quickie here and there in the morning, or just changing
Speaker 1: it up. I think we also need novelty in order
Speaker 1: to keep our desire going. We need to try new things.
Speaker 1: So we as humans need that, We need variety. We
Speaker 1: need to have things out of our routine. If we're
Speaker 1: doing the same thing every time, not good. Yeah, we're
Speaker 1: not going to feel motivated. Oh my god. I remember
Speaker 1: the first time someone said to me because I always
Speaker 1: had this like there's nothing worse to me than like
Speaker 1: going out on a date for like a long dinner
Speaker 1: and then thinking you're going to have sex afterwards because
Speaker 1: you're like full, like party, like okay. So then someone
Speaker 1: was like, oh, yeah, like you just get the babysitter
Speaker 1: to come early and you hook up before dinner and
Speaker 1: then like you have dinner and you like, no, you
Speaker 1: did that, and you're like that's way better. That's what
Speaker 1: I would recommend. Sex before dinner, sex before the dates,
Speaker 1: Sex before the date is great. Um, how do you
Speaker 1: recommend like spicing stuff up. Are you like a big
Speaker 1: proponent of toys and that sort of situation bringing new
Speaker 1: thingies into the bedroom. I mean, who doesn't love thingies
Speaker 1: and toys. I mean, they have so much great technology
Speaker 1: out there, So especially for our female bodies, there are
Speaker 1: devices that are designed for our body parts. And even
Speaker 1: most sex toys are not gendered, so you can use
Speaker 1: it on your partner, you can use it on any
Speaker 1: part of the body. So a vibrator doesn't have to
Speaker 1: be just something that you're using to alyssa. An orgasm
Speaker 1: is about finding ways to stimulate and sensually evoke the body.
Speaker 1: So I'm all about toys, and they get really fancy too.
Speaker 1: I mean they have Bluetooth technology. They have these pennyliner
Speaker 1: vibrators that you can put in and your partner can
Speaker 1: use an app to put it on while you're at
Speaker 1: the dinner I mean, or even if he's out of
Speaker 1: state or traveling. It's they're pretty fascinating. I mean technology,
Speaker 1: We've come a long way from those ugly, felic, jelly
Speaker 1: looking scary dildos from the past. Yeah, they were all
Speaker 1: like bunnies. They were all like the rabbit rabbit, Yes, Um,
Speaker 1: where do people by ship? You can get stuff online.
Speaker 1: There's some great websites to order online. But you know what,
Speaker 1: I also do find things around the house that could
Speaker 1: be a sex toy. And I like your toothbrush. There again,
Speaker 1: I have not tried that, guys, that just came to
Speaker 1: my mind. So things around the house, maybe you know,
Speaker 1: a silk tie, something like a massager or a brush
Speaker 1: or things that can create different stimulation on the body.
Speaker 1: So it can be just any object that feels good.
Speaker 1: Some people like the feeling of leather. You can use oils,
Speaker 1: you can use just things that are going to create
Speaker 1: a different experience. So anything can be a sex toy
Speaker 1: if you think about it. Um, what do we say
Speaker 1: to couples who don't prioritize sex? I hear a lot
Speaker 1: which is very scary, as like you do not want
Speaker 1: to be in a sexless marriage or sexless partnership. Um
Speaker 1: that that is like the fastest way for trouble, you know, um,
Speaker 1: for people to look elsewhere for things to not be
Speaker 1: connected to fall apart. So I know it's so important
Speaker 1: to prioritize it, but like, how do you how do
Speaker 1: you do it? You know, the longer you go without it,
Speaker 1: the harder it is to get back, kind of like
Speaker 1: any routine exercise, eating well. And I think you've got
Speaker 1: to start slow and start somewhere and let go of
Speaker 1: the expectations. So maybe you're not having mind blowing you know,
Speaker 1: Hollywood sex. But you know sex is really mess I've
Speaker 1: had so much Hollywood sex. It's not that great. I'll
Speaker 1: tell you right now, it's ridiculous. I think the best
Speaker 1: sex is the unpredictable, messy, noisy you know, you don't
Speaker 1: expect it and then it ends up being great. So
Speaker 1: I think we can prioritize it by remembering that it's
Speaker 1: good for your health. There's so many health benefits. It's
Speaker 1: I love it. Tell me it can be a sleep aid.
Speaker 1: It releases oxytocin in the body, strengthens and tones muscles
Speaker 1: in the body. It helps boost our mood because it's
Speaker 1: releasing natural painkillers in the body, and doorphins are transmitters
Speaker 1: that help balance our mood. It's good for your skin,
Speaker 1: so it gives you that nice glow flesh because it's
Speaker 1: increasing blood flow circulation throughout the body. And this means
Speaker 1: sex in any way. Again, like there are benefits to
Speaker 1: it whether you whether it's penetration or not exactly, because
Speaker 1: you're getting all the feel good chemicals, so it's you know,
Speaker 1: no matter what's happening. Orgasm is never the goal of sex.
Speaker 1: I call it a side effect of sex. It just
Speaker 1: kind of like a sneeze or reflects. It happens, but
Speaker 1: it should never be the goal because you can have
Speaker 1: I mean, our bodies as women were designed to have multiple,
Speaker 1: multiple orgasms. Males can as well if they train their bodies.
Speaker 1: But you know, orgasm just kind of happens. Sometimes you
Speaker 1: have maybe a little one, and other times maybe it
Speaker 1: kind of rolls and you have this nice one. But
Speaker 1: they come in all shapes and sizes. It's never the goal.
Speaker 1: That was also very scary for me. I've heard also
Speaker 1: other women besides me, of like losing their orgasm, especially
Speaker 1: after vaginal labor. But I just remember my orgasm being
Speaker 1: super weak at the beginning because your muscles are so
Speaker 1: blown out or I don't know what the wrecked scientific
Speaker 1: term would be, but let's go with blown out and
Speaker 1: near nerves are. You know, the nerves change and I
Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, I'm never going to get
Speaker 1: like it was just like wat wat wat wat wa.
Speaker 1: It wasn't like a you know, like what I used
Speaker 1: to rock so um, But I can say I have
Speaker 1: a two year old and it has built back up,
Speaker 1: but like I was scared. And again I know this
Speaker 1: is just a goal that that it is should not
Speaker 1: be the goal to have an orgasm, but I think
Speaker 1: when you have after childbirth, I think you're like pretty
Speaker 1: freaked down. Your example is important because if you've had
Speaker 1: that trauma, no matter if you had a natural birth
Speaker 1: or not, all of the nerve endings. We have this
Speaker 1: huge nerve super highway in our genital area called the
Speaker 1: pudendal nerve, and it's all multiple layers of nerves. So
Speaker 1: if you've had any bit of tearing or cutting, then
Speaker 1: those nerves are not only going to get damaged, but
Speaker 1: they kind of rewire. So you may say I used
Speaker 1: to be touched hair and I could be stroked here
Speaker 1: and have an orgasm, but now maybe it's a little
Speaker 1: bit to the right or lower. And so it's kind
Speaker 1: of important to recondition your body and your orgasm response
Speaker 1: post baby, because it's changed. The body is is rehabilitating
Speaker 1: and all of those nerves are reconnecting and maybe they're
Speaker 1: they're still there, but maybe they're just in a little
Speaker 1: bit of a different place, So you have to kind
Speaker 1: of find what that is. Has it ever been impossible
Speaker 1: for women to just not ever get it back? Not necessarily.
Speaker 1: I think it just takes a little bit of patience
Speaker 1: and consistency. I call it vibrator priming, where I have
Speaker 1: women use a vibrator and really prime those nerve endings
Speaker 1: in the genital area, just as you would conditioning any
Speaker 1: other part of the body. But it gets them to
Speaker 1: fire and strengthens the response because I think they're there,
Speaker 1: but they're just maybe a little blips of firing and
Speaker 1: we just got to get them rehabilitated. Right. So if
Speaker 1: you can be patient with your body and get a
Speaker 1: good vibrator, you are good to go. Thank God. When
Speaker 1: is it that you recommend sex therapy for an individual
Speaker 1: or a couple. It could be important for everyone and anyone,
Speaker 1: because I think if we wait until there's a huge crisis,
Speaker 1: then it may be there may be so many layers
Speaker 1: of what we're working through. When you can come in
Speaker 1: for questions, I mean I have a lot of couples
Speaker 1: come in and maybe they just have a few questions
Speaker 1: what's this, How does this work? What are some things
Speaker 1: we can do? Sex therapy is a lot more short
Speaker 1: termed and solution focus than maybe traditional psychotherapy, where you're
Speaker 1: coming in and processing and kind of leaving feeling worse
Speaker 1: than when you came in. I would say sex therapy
Speaker 1: is a lot more focused on figuring things out. So
Speaker 1: here's the problem, here's some things to do. Try this.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of homework. What would be homework, Like
Speaker 1: what would be an example of homework? Like, people go
Speaker 1: and you like, tell them to do certain I may
Speaker 1: have them do some sexual interest inventories to figure out
Speaker 1: things they like. I do a lot of sensate focus,
Speaker 1: which is a series of exercises that focuses on non
Speaker 1: demand touch and getting them to get rid of the
Speaker 1: goal around sex. And it's a progressive series of exercises
Speaker 1: around massage, sensual massage. So it could be something like that.
Speaker 1: Or I'll have them maybe get out of the bedroom
Speaker 1: and do things around the house and kind of get
Speaker 1: that sexual energy going out of the bedroom, get on
Speaker 1: the bedroom, you know. Dancing is another one, you know,
Speaker 1: kind of just getting your body moving, because that's really
Speaker 1: how we get our libido flowing. If we're just kind
Speaker 1: of going from stressed day two in the bedroom, now
Speaker 1: I have to be naked and on and you know,
Speaker 1: we've got to kind of move our bodies and get
Speaker 1: ready for sex. So there can be little exercises that
Speaker 1: can help couples just get in their body embodiment and like,
Speaker 1: like what no, it sounds amazing, can be really beneficial. Um,
Speaker 1: how do you empower more women to openly address their
Speaker 1: concerns with their partners? Like I feel like couples, especially
Speaker 1: people who have been together a long time, I don't
Speaker 1: know why it gets harder to really talk about these things.
Speaker 1: What do they do? You write it down? I think
Speaker 1: with couples communication less is more because often we go
Speaker 1: in with maybe some nerves and vulnerability, and we feel
Speaker 1: we just kind of put it all out in the open,
Speaker 1: and it's kind of messy. A partner may say, well,
Speaker 1: what's the real issue? What should we be doing? A
Speaker 1: lot of male partners may go into solution mode, all right,
Speaker 1: let's fix the problem. So I like the idea of
Speaker 1: having some maybe bullet points of what you want to discuss.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about maybe our expectations, what we're looking for,
Speaker 1: what we want, or let's just have a place to
Speaker 1: talk about our frustrations or our needs. So I think
Speaker 1: less is more in that Let's just have a really
Speaker 1: direct conversation about it with no expectations, and maybe if
Speaker 1: we need to figure out a solution for that, we
Speaker 1: do that. But not having it all in one really long,
Speaker 1: intense communication. I see couples doing that, and that's too much.
Speaker 1: It overwhelms, and then it also makes you want to
Speaker 1: avoid having that conversation again. Do you lead couples in
Speaker 1: this sort of work. I do. I would say the
Speaker 1: base and core of all sex therapy is communication, just
Speaker 1: learning the tools, learning how to reflect and listen, really understand.
Speaker 1: We're very reactive. You know, you may hear a partner
Speaker 1: say I'm just not feeling sexual, and a partner may here,
Speaker 1: you don't find me desirable. So there's so many misfirings
Speaker 1: and misunderstandings when it comes to communication, and we have
Speaker 1: to work on that to be able to put it
Speaker 1: all out in the open, because if we can't be
Speaker 1: vulnerable and honest, then we're really not making any progress
Speaker 1: and couples stay stuck and maybe they and I'll hear
Speaker 1: this all the time, we talk about everything. We're great
Speaker 1: in every area of communication, but when it comes to sex,
Speaker 1: we don't know what to do. And I think it's
Speaker 1: because we don't have the language, we don't know how
Speaker 1: to talk about it. We put a lot of pressure
Speaker 1: on it having to be perfect, figuring it all out.
Speaker 1: And I would say, every single one of us is
Speaker 1: going to have a sexual issue. It's just so common.
Speaker 1: So nobody's perfect when it comes to sex. Um, let's
Speaker 1: talk about porn. Yes, Um, I'm really interested in this,
Speaker 1: this whole thing of like women have this feeling, this
Speaker 1: need to perform or be sexual in a way that
Speaker 1: people now see a lot which might not be what
Speaker 1: you look like when you're sexually enjoying yourself. Do you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Um? But I'm sure Also, porn
Speaker 1: could be a wonderful tool for some couples to get
Speaker 1: turned on. It's a form of entertainment. I think porn
Speaker 1: isn't the issue. It's how it's used. And there's also
Speaker 1: a lot of it. And what I like about it
Speaker 1: as a tool for sex therapy is it can maybe
Speaker 1: expose you to different interests or and again, knowing that
Speaker 1: it's entertainment, it's not real sex. It's like watching anything
Speaker 1: in the media. It's it's there to evoke a response.
Speaker 1: So we can use it to maybe help with arousal
Speaker 1: if you're finding that you can't get in the mood,
Speaker 1: or it can help evoke fantasy. Fantasy is a huge
Speaker 1: component of sexual health that people just don't engage in.
Speaker 1: And it feels good, like role play, No, just kind
Speaker 1: of thinking about you know, thinking about what My husband
Speaker 1: and we're both actors, were like, um, now, like that
Speaker 1: feels like a job, like we are not. But I'm
Speaker 1: sure it's really works for other people. But like the
Speaker 1: idea of like putting on a fucking cause with an accent,
Speaker 1: I'm just like, what I do this in my Like
Speaker 1: I get paid to do that, Like that's like does
Speaker 1: not for me, but I'm sure it completely works for
Speaker 1: other women. Can have can think themselves off. So we
Speaker 1: have this ability to use fantasy to evoke an orgasm.
Speaker 1: So I think it's a powerful part of our sexual response.
Speaker 1: That is very true. We don't even have to be touched,
Speaker 1: So I think permission for fantasy and fantasy could be anything.
Speaker 1: You know, my fantasy is my husband cleaning the kitchen
Speaker 1: and coming home and every you know, we call that
Speaker 1: chore play. I mean, there's so many ways that a
Speaker 1: fantasy can help. It doesn't have to be about a
Speaker 1: sexual act or a position, but more about what are
Speaker 1: the things that turn you on, the excite you that
Speaker 1: you can use as material to help your sexual response
Speaker 1: turn on. Um, So I guess I'm pro porn. I
Speaker 1: would say pro porn, but there's some really bad porn
Speaker 1: out there too, so like anything entertainment. UM, what key
Speaker 1: advice could you give to struggle moms out there? To
Speaker 1: remember to love yourself and be patient with yourself no
Speaker 1: matter what, and that you're not You're not alone, and
Speaker 1: you are an amazing resilient human being. You know, women
Speaker 1: don't get enough credit for what they go through in
Speaker 1: in life, you know, handling things, going through pregnancy, going
Speaker 1: through childbirth. I mean, it's a really beautiful, creative part
Speaker 1: of our existence. So I think my tip for for
Speaker 1: new moms is to just to love yourself no matter
Speaker 1: what stage you're at. You know, love your body where
Speaker 1: it's at and all the changes. I know it's easier
Speaker 1: said than done, but it's really a practice. I think
Speaker 1: that's what my body work is too, is it's a
Speaker 1: practice when you look in the mirror and you constantly
Speaker 1: are criticizing your body because it used to be this,
Speaker 1: or our sex life used to be that, and we
Speaker 1: got to let go of what it used to be
Speaker 1: because it's never going back there, and we don't really
Speaker 1: want it to go back there. I mean, you have
Speaker 1: the opportunity now to be where you're at and explore
Speaker 1: and expand. It's really an amazing like you know, taking me,
Speaker 1: I'm an actor in Holly it out of it. It's
Speaker 1: an incredible thing to see, like what my body has
Speaker 1: done over four years, you know what I mean. Where
Speaker 1: I was before, where my pregnancy was, where I was after,
Speaker 1: where my boobs were at. Used to do fittings with
Speaker 1: Lynn Paulo, who was very amazing costume designer on Scandal,
Speaker 1: but she I would have four different sized bras in
Speaker 1: my trailer because if I fed him, I was a bee.
Speaker 1: If it had been three hours since I breast fed him,
Speaker 1: I was a double D. Like my boobs were astronomically insane,
Speaker 1: like superhero ship. Like it was just like crazy, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. But like it's amazing because if
Speaker 1: you think about that in your sex life. Look, I
Speaker 1: breastfed for a year, and so sometimes you have sex
Speaker 1: and I had huge booths, so I would have nothing
Speaker 1: like it's just very it's a very weird and also
Speaker 1: amazing thing that you do. And I think, yes, you
Speaker 1: have to love yourself instead of being I was very
Speaker 1: hard myself. I think all moms are looking at looking
Speaker 1: at bodies postpartum. I love the social media is now
Speaker 1: put a little light to that, you know, showing women's
Speaker 1: real bodies instead of these messages of you know, snapping
Speaker 1: back to a perfect body. But it's it's just about
Speaker 1: it's just it is. It's those are negative things that
Speaker 1: if that's an influence in your life in any way,
Speaker 1: to cut that out and then to find real bodies
Speaker 1: to look at, and I think even postpartum or not.
Speaker 1: I think this is important for body image in general,
Speaker 1: for women's sexuality, is to see different bodies and normalize
Speaker 1: that all bodies are beautiful. And I think that's such
Speaker 1: a big part of our sexuality, as our body image.
Speaker 1: So we have to feel good about that no matter
Speaker 1: what stage and age we're at. And I think there's
Speaker 1: just so much about I always think about sex as like, um,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm taking care of my marriage. I'm taking
Speaker 1: care of myself and I'm taking care of my husband.
Speaker 1: But I've just been so reminded from this pot and
Speaker 1: my and my relationship and like my partner who I
Speaker 1: raised my son with, and I would like everyone to
Speaker 1: be happy. That's so such a mom thing too, Like
Speaker 1: I'm taking care of everyone and I'm fixing everyone, and
Speaker 1: I take sure everybody feels good, but I think what
Speaker 1: I forget and I'm sure I'm hoping their other moms
Speaker 1: out there that feel the same, But I think it's
Speaker 1: like I have to be like no, like sex is
Speaker 1: really good for me, and like for taking a break,
Speaker 1: even if it's fifteen minutes, even if orgasm is not reached,
Speaker 1: even if penetration doesn't happen, like is really good not
Speaker 1: only for everything we've talked about, but it's good for
Speaker 1: my skin, good for my I'm going to sleep like
Speaker 1: a baby. You know, oxycot not oxycotton what um, which
Speaker 1: you also get from breastfeeding, and males also produce more
Speaker 1: oxytocin postpartum. So yeah, the biology is just fascinating, is amazing,
Speaker 1: and also how wonderful sex therapy is that it exists
Speaker 1: and is out there for people to just spend some
Speaker 1: time on their sex line. I mean, I was a
Speaker 1: group Catholic, so I know the whole shame don't touch,
Speaker 1: don't masturbay, So a lot of my motivation going into
Speaker 1: this work was to heal the shame. You know, if
Speaker 1: we can't feel excited about sex, then how are we
Speaker 1: going to make it a priority in our life? And
Speaker 1: we need to explore and find the creative ways to
Speaker 1: be sexual. Because we do that in other areas of
Speaker 1: our life, why not have a creative sex life as well.
Speaker 1: Amazing cheers to that. UM, I just want to say
Speaker 1: thank you so much Doctor jovi Is for coming on
Speaker 1: Katie's crib and for gifting us with your time. I
Speaker 1: have been very, very very excited about this topic and
Speaker 1: for singing let's talk about sex baby for a long time. UM.
Speaker 1: In the cribs notes, there will be a link to
Speaker 1: doctor job as a site, and we'll also link like
Speaker 1: books you recommend, um toys, you recommend. Anything. Will be
Speaker 1: so helpful for all of us moms out there, and
Speaker 1: I offer complimentary consultations over the phone, So fifteen minutes
Speaker 1: if you have questions. Oh my god, guys, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: book mine right now, So I gotta go because Adam
Speaker 1: and I will be having a fifteen minute console at
Speaker 1: the very least because this was wonderful and so eye opening,
Speaker 1: and I really thank you so much for coming. I'm
Speaker 1: Katie's Crib. Thanks for having me, Thank you all for
Speaker 1: tuning into Katie's Crib and for your beautiful messages and reviews.
Speaker 1: I absolutely love connecting with you and hearing your stories
Speaker 1: and questions. So email me at Katie's Crib at Shonda
Speaker 1: land dot com. We may just feature you on an episode,
Speaker 1: so hit me up. Thanks guys. Katie's Crib is a
Speaker 1: production of Shonda land Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shonda land Audio, visit the I
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Speaker 1: Ning of the Door.