WEBVTT - Becoming “Cliterate” w/ Dr. Shannon Chavez 0:00:01.520 --> 0:00:04.360 Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda land Audio 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:14.520 in partnership with I Heart Radio. Just a quick disclaimer, 0:00:14.640 --> 0:00:20.720 this episode was recorded pre pandemic. Let's talk about sex, baby, 0:00:20.800 --> 0:00:24.040 Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all 0:00:24.079 --> 0:00:26.960 the good things and the bad things that may be 0:00:27.520 --> 0:00:30.000 let is that maybe your baby? Did I even mess 0:00:30.040 --> 0:00:34.320 up the lyrics already? Guys, Welcome back to Katie's Crib today. 0:00:34.600 --> 0:00:37.960 I want to strip down our vulnerabilities pun intended, and 0:00:38.000 --> 0:00:41.000 I need to talk about sex. I'm sure many of 0:00:41.080 --> 0:00:42.720 us have burning questions on our mind, so I want 0:00:42.720 --> 0:00:44.640 to be open and discussing sex in a very healthy 0:00:44.680 --> 0:00:47.839 and informative way. Yes, I did just sing that incredible song, 0:00:47.920 --> 0:00:52.400 but there is is a very vulnerable, triggering topic. I've 0:00:52.440 --> 0:00:55.360 invited Dr Shannon Chavez to join me. She is a 0:00:55.480 --> 0:01:01.680 nationally recognized expert therapist and educator specializing in all sexuality 0:01:01.800 --> 0:01:04.840 yes please, including help for men, women, l g B, 0:01:04.920 --> 0:01:08.120 t q I A, and couples. Dr Chavez utilizes a 0:01:08.200 --> 0:01:11.000 mind body approach to sexual health and wellness and will 0:01:11.040 --> 0:01:14.400 help address some of my freaking questions because I've got 0:01:14.440 --> 0:01:17.559 a lot of them. Hi, Doctor Shavin, Hi, Katie, thank 0:01:17.560 --> 0:01:23.160 you for having me. Honestly, this podcast is such a 0:01:23.280 --> 0:01:27.240 gift in my life because meeting a sex therapist has 0:01:27.319 --> 0:01:30.160 been on my to do list for years and see 0:01:30.240 --> 0:01:31.880 now I just get to use Katie's script to make 0:01:31.920 --> 0:01:35.600 it happen. So like, thanks so much for being here. Um, 0:01:36.120 --> 0:01:39.080 can you tell us what you do? What the heck 0:01:39.120 --> 0:01:41.880 is a sex therapy? Sex therapy is a type of 0:01:41.920 --> 0:01:47.360 psychotherapy that focuses on sexual health, sexual concerns, maybe people 0:01:47.520 --> 0:01:51.040 learning about their sexual identity, and then also a lot 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:54.400 of it's coaching and education because let's face it, how 0:01:54.400 --> 0:01:56.840 many of us actually had decent sex? Said? I mean, 0:01:56.880 --> 0:01:59.440 even if you did have a great, you know, open 0:01:59.480 --> 0:02:02.520 relationship with your parents where they like had conversations with 0:02:02.560 --> 0:02:05.000 you and not just like one conversation like the birds 0:02:05.000 --> 0:02:07.560 in the situation and an uncomfortable conversation. I know my 0:02:07.600 --> 0:02:11.120 mother was terrified and uncomfortable, which then people see and 0:02:11.160 --> 0:02:13.639 then you get this idea that sex is scary or 0:02:13.680 --> 0:02:19.960 uncomfortable or bad or dirty, trouble dirty exactly? Um, do 0:02:20.040 --> 0:02:24.200 you work mostly with individuals or couples? Kind of all 0:02:24.240 --> 0:02:27.480 of it even throubles people that are in polyamorous relationships. 0:02:27.520 --> 0:02:30.240 That have more than one partner, I would say it's 0:02:30.280 --> 0:02:32.839 basically anyone and everyone, And it doesn't have to be 0:02:32.880 --> 0:02:35.840 a couple in a relationship because people have sexual issues 0:02:35.919 --> 0:02:39.280 even outside of of couple ships. So I think it's 0:02:39.280 --> 0:02:42.600 about any aspect of sexuality, And because so much of 0:02:42.600 --> 0:02:45.720 it is education based, it's about learning about your body, 0:02:45.840 --> 0:02:48.560 body image, being able to know how all of these 0:02:48.600 --> 0:02:51.360 parts work. I mean, living in this culture, how do 0:02:51.400 --> 0:02:55.040 we not feel some sort of shame around sexuality? Absolutely 0:02:55.080 --> 0:02:57.799 in my my history of this, like I had a 0:02:57.840 --> 0:03:00.520 miscarriage and then you know, it's me a while to 0:03:00.520 --> 0:03:03.760 get my period back to a regular place to try 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:06.120 start trying again to have a baby. And I went 0:03:06.160 --> 0:03:09.040 to a fertility acupuncturist and she was explaining to me 0:03:09.160 --> 0:03:12.680 the difference in my discharge too when I was ovulating. 0:03:13.040 --> 0:03:15.920 I was so horrified that, like I didn't know that 0:03:16.080 --> 0:03:19.240 on my own because we're not educated about our bodies 0:03:19.280 --> 0:03:21.320 and like what's going on? And she was like, well, 0:03:21.360 --> 0:03:23.920 when is it egg white and yoki and when is 0:03:23.919 --> 0:03:25.640 it clear? And when is it this? And that means 0:03:25.680 --> 0:03:28.800 that and that means that, and I was like, holy shit, 0:03:29.280 --> 0:03:31.480 I don't, like I don't know about my own body 0:03:31.560 --> 0:03:33.920 at all. And we're not taught these things. We're not 0:03:33.960 --> 0:03:36.920 taught these things, or we're uncomfortable talking about these things, 0:03:37.000 --> 0:03:41.320 especially discharge. Discharge guys, hashtag discharge anybody interested in that? Hashtag? Hey, 0:03:41.360 --> 0:03:43.280 what's going on with you down there? You know, here's 0:03:43.280 --> 0:03:45.320 where I'm on this week. But we should I mean, 0:03:45.360 --> 0:03:47.760 I get so many questions from women that are is 0:03:47.800 --> 0:03:50.200 this normal? What should it smell like? Feel like? All 0:03:50.240 --> 0:03:53.840 of these and it's you know, discharge is a good thing, 0:03:53.960 --> 0:03:57.680 so hashtag discharges good. But like, come on, guys, healthy 0:03:57.720 --> 0:04:01.960 sex life it comes from healthy discharge. You welcome? Can 0:04:01.960 --> 0:04:04.520 you talk to me about this? I was very interested 0:04:04.560 --> 0:04:07.880 in this mind body approach to sex that you have. 0:04:08.360 --> 0:04:12.640 Sounds amazing, you know, it's it's a lot simpler than 0:04:12.840 --> 0:04:15.720 maybe people may think. I think we we think a 0:04:15.720 --> 0:04:18.000 lot about sex. I mean, we are the only species 0:04:18.040 --> 0:04:20.800 that intellectualizes sex to the point where we plan it 0:04:20.880 --> 0:04:23.440 and we think about what it should look like and fantasize, 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:26.200 but almost to our detriment because we do it to 0:04:26.240 --> 0:04:29.440 the point where we develop these mental barriers. Do I 0:04:29.480 --> 0:04:32.400 look okay, does it look sexy enough? Am I doing 0:04:32.440 --> 0:04:34.719 it right? We focus on all of the mechanics. So 0:04:34.720 --> 0:04:37.159 what I try to get people to do is kind 0:04:37.160 --> 0:04:40.839 of relax in your body, to let go of the 0:04:40.880 --> 0:04:44.520 expectations and the goals and you know what my genitals 0:04:44.520 --> 0:04:48.960 are doing, and just really enjoy a sensory experience of pleasures. 0:04:49.000 --> 0:04:51.160 So that is about listening to your body. I mean, 0:04:51.160 --> 0:04:53.479 maybe your body doesn't want to be touched there, or 0:04:53.520 --> 0:04:55.120 it likes to be touched in a place that you 0:04:55.120 --> 0:04:58.680 wouldn't really think that is your pleasure zone. So it's 0:04:58.720 --> 0:05:02.400 about connecting with the body, slowing down, getting out of 0:05:02.400 --> 0:05:04.400 the monkey brain, because we're all kind of there in 0:05:04.440 --> 0:05:08.040 these stressed, overworked lifestyles, so we carry that into our 0:05:08.040 --> 0:05:11.400 sex lives. And people are distracted, they're bored, they're not 0:05:11.480 --> 0:05:15.200 feeling excited about pleasure. So mind body work is really 0:05:15.240 --> 0:05:17.960 about kind of getting them to like when you're getting 0:05:18.040 --> 0:05:20.479 like a Yogi sort of state where it's like you 0:05:20.520 --> 0:05:24.440 are connected to your body and being at this place 0:05:24.480 --> 0:05:27.320 in this moment, not for any sort of agenda or 0:05:27.720 --> 0:05:30.080 to do list in quieting your mind. God, I can't 0:05:30.080 --> 0:05:32.720 even I mean, if you think about it, sex is 0:05:32.760 --> 0:05:35.920 really primal. We are animals, just like any other species, 0:05:36.000 --> 0:05:37.680 you know, we need to use our senses to get 0:05:37.720 --> 0:05:40.680 turned on. Our sense of smell is our strongest sense 0:05:40.680 --> 0:05:44.360 when it comes to desire. Yes, So when people talk 0:05:44.400 --> 0:05:48.480 about pheromones, I feel like people are talking about smells. 0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:52.159 Maybe is that something else? What is the pheromoney? Interesting? So, 0:05:52.279 --> 0:05:54.880 pheromones actually don't have a scent, but they evoke emotion. 0:05:54.960 --> 0:05:57.719 We have receptors in our nose that if we pick 0:05:57.800 --> 0:06:00.599 up a scent of a partner and we have a 0:06:00.600 --> 0:06:04.599 good pheromone match, we actually may feel attraction. In chemistry, 0:06:04.760 --> 0:06:07.360 if you've ever been around someone, maybe on a really 0:06:07.400 --> 0:06:10.000 bad first date, and you just realize you kind of 0:06:10.040 --> 0:06:13.440 cringed around the person, it maybe scientifically that you're a 0:06:13.440 --> 0:06:15.680 bad pheromone mess. And also I've hooked up with dudes 0:06:15.720 --> 0:06:19.599 who have been like not into physic like I'm not 0:06:19.680 --> 0:06:22.160 attracted to them. Like I wouldn't pick them up off 0:06:22.160 --> 0:06:24.560 the street. I wouldn't pick them. I mean I definitely wouldn't, 0:06:24.560 --> 0:06:26.039 but I would pick them up in a bar or 0:06:26.040 --> 0:06:28.560 whatever the hell. I've definitely had a thing where like 0:06:28.600 --> 0:06:31.440 a dude has kissed me and I've been like holy shit, 0:06:31.760 --> 0:06:35.800 like I want to eat your whole face, bot Like 0:06:36.040 --> 0:06:39.680 I can't fucking take it enough? Like yes, and it 0:06:39.760 --> 0:06:44.360 was like it was an animalistic pheromone thing. Yes, that's 0:06:44.400 --> 0:06:48.680 exactly what it was. Thank you science for giving us this. Yes, um, 0:06:48.680 --> 0:06:53.240 this mind body approach. Um. Do you feel like it 0:06:53.320 --> 0:06:57.520 really helps your couples and your individuals achieve sexual satisfaction? 0:06:57.880 --> 0:07:00.479 I do, actually, because I think people come in and 0:07:00.480 --> 0:07:02.720 they're stressed out. You know what, I hear people say, 0:07:02.960 --> 0:07:06.400 I don't have time for sex. I'm tired. I have 0:07:06.480 --> 0:07:10.000 too much to have time for sex. Help me therapy 0:07:10.120 --> 0:07:12.600 right now? What do I do about this? If someone said, hey, 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:14.600 you're going to go on a vacation, You're gonna go 0:07:14.640 --> 0:07:16.800 to a spa for a week, we get excited about that. 0:07:16.840 --> 0:07:20.560 We don't say, what a grueling task. So we think 0:07:20.600 --> 0:07:23.440 of it as something that's going to be relaxing, rewarding, 0:07:23.520 --> 0:07:25.800 and we're motivated to do it. But sex has become 0:07:25.840 --> 0:07:29.240 a chore and work because I think again those expectations. 0:07:29.520 --> 0:07:32.160 We have to get turned on, have an orgasm, a 0:07:32.200 --> 0:07:34.720 penis has to get hard, I have to get lubricated, 0:07:34.760 --> 0:07:37.640 and because there's so much to do involved, it feels 0:07:37.640 --> 0:07:40.160 like work. And I think sometimes sex can be let's 0:07:40.160 --> 0:07:43.480 just get naked and play around, you know, play, adult 0:07:43.520 --> 0:07:45.920 play is really what sex is like. I don't know 0:07:45.960 --> 0:07:49.040 when it started to be a thing where like every 0:07:49.040 --> 0:07:52.120 time you're intimate with your partner or somebody, it has 0:07:52.160 --> 0:07:57.120 to involve penetration, has to involve orgasm on both parties 0:07:57.160 --> 0:07:59.280 to to be able to check it off the list 0:07:59.400 --> 0:08:02.440 that like bone. I love the word bone guys. Um, 0:08:02.520 --> 0:08:06.920 bone town is what I like. Go on a bone town. Um. 0:08:07.160 --> 0:08:12.520 Why it's such a shitty thing, Like it just sucks 0:08:12.640 --> 0:08:16.080 because I really enjoy a lot of things that aren't 0:08:16.120 --> 0:08:18.960 that exactly, and most women less than timber cent and 0:08:19.000 --> 0:08:23.160 women can orgasm from penetration alone. Is that true? Ladies? 0:08:23.200 --> 0:08:26.680 Are you curious? It's all about the clitterest, which the 0:08:26.680 --> 0:08:31.080 majority of the clitteral anatomy is external. So we need friction, 0:08:31.360 --> 0:08:35.400 we need tongus fingers. Yes, I hear that a lot 0:08:35.480 --> 0:08:38.079 from my clients. Can I get some more fingers than 0:08:38.240 --> 0:08:41.200 my life? And it's just a thing that I think 0:08:41.280 --> 0:08:44.520 we need more of. So I completely agree intercourse is 0:08:44.559 --> 0:08:47.440 over rated. It's been the focus of sex. If it 0:08:47.520 --> 0:08:50.000 doesn't happen, It's the main course for a lot of people, 0:08:50.520 --> 0:08:55.320 and on average, the average inner course last maybe five minutes. Wow, guys, 0:08:55.440 --> 0:08:58.440 this is a epic podcast for me today. So thus 0:08:58.480 --> 0:09:01.480 far we have learned les than ten percent of women 0:09:01.559 --> 0:09:06.800 can achieve orgasm through just penetrations, and that that the 0:09:06.840 --> 0:09:09.000 majority of our clitters. And I wear this necklace to 0:09:09.040 --> 0:09:13.120 show people what the clitterest really looks like. Wait what, guys, 0:09:13.160 --> 0:09:14.880 I will be taking a photo of this. I will 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:18.239 be posting it alongside this podcast. You're welcome. Also, it's gorgeous. 0:09:18.280 --> 0:09:20.040 It's more than just a button. People think it's this 0:09:20.120 --> 0:09:22.360 cute little button. Now you licking stroke, It's the bean 0:09:22.520 --> 0:09:26.200 thingy underneath the hood thinging. It's got legs, it's got wings, 0:09:26.240 --> 0:09:29.319 It's got a shaft that you can stroke and becomes erect, 0:09:29.480 --> 0:09:31.079 just like a I don't like to call it a 0:09:31.080 --> 0:09:33.640 little penis because I think it's a lot more vast 0:09:33.679 --> 0:09:36.400 than a penis. Has eight nerve endings in just the 0:09:36.400 --> 0:09:39.440 head itself. So a lot of women don't even know 0:09:39.440 --> 0:09:43.240 what this looks like. I've truly never seen that. Like 0:09:43.480 --> 0:09:46.800 that looks like an umbrella, looks like a wish bone 0:09:46.880 --> 0:09:51.400 or a wish bone times too. That's incredible. Did you 0:09:51.520 --> 0:09:53.600 design that? Actually? A good friend of mine. She's an 0:09:53.640 --> 0:09:56.680 artist in New York. Her name is um Sophia Wallace, 0:09:56.720 --> 0:09:59.920 and she's basically an artist to crib notes the clitterest. 0:10:00.200 --> 0:10:02.360 That is what she kind of promotes to her art 0:10:02.559 --> 0:10:05.320 is teaching women about the clitterest because it's our main 0:10:05.559 --> 0:10:07.959 organ of pleasure. And if we're not getting the right 0:10:07.960 --> 0:10:11.640 stimulation to our bodies, to the clitterest, our main organ 0:10:11.640 --> 0:10:14.800 of pleasure, then we're not having orgasms. We're not we're 0:10:14.800 --> 0:10:17.680 not conditioning our bodies for good sex. So we probably 0:10:17.720 --> 0:10:21.880 are bored in the bedroom. We probably are feeling disconnected 0:10:21.960 --> 0:10:24.480 or checked out, especially if a partner is just really 0:10:24.520 --> 0:10:27.240 excited about intercourse and not giving us for play and 0:10:27.280 --> 0:10:30.600 not doing the things that our body needs to feel good. Now, 0:10:30.800 --> 0:10:35.080 my whole sexual experience post baby has been a roller coast. Right, 0:10:35.600 --> 0:10:38.800 whether you gave birth vaginally, through C section, whatever you 0:10:38.920 --> 0:10:43.000 carry the baby, your body has been used. It's just different. Yeah, 0:10:43.080 --> 0:10:45.839 I think, um, but I can remember talking with all 0:10:45.880 --> 0:10:49.280 my girlfriends about like, holy sh it, have you been 0:10:49.280 --> 0:10:51.800 cleared by Robie? Like you're allowed to have sex with 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:53.760 your husband? Should you tell him? Should you not? How 0:10:53.840 --> 0:10:56.280 much booze do you need to get through this? What 0:10:56.320 --> 0:10:58.280 the funk are we gonna do? And then I just 0:10:58.320 --> 0:11:03.240 heard buckets of lube, buckets of wine and just pray, 0:11:03.440 --> 0:11:04.640 you know what I mean, because a lot of us 0:11:04.640 --> 0:11:09.559 that had stitches, and um, we're scared. It was amazing 0:11:09.559 --> 0:11:11.319 and it was not bad at all. And thank god, 0:11:11.360 --> 0:11:14.239 if you have the right partner, thank you Adam Shapiro. Um, 0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:17.280 it can be a great thing and not so scary. 0:11:17.360 --> 0:11:20.240 But like I was petrified, and even now still like 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:23.960 I I get flashes in my brain of like breastfeeding 0:11:23.960 --> 0:11:27.920 my son during when we're hooking up, and I'm just like, ah, like, 0:11:28.000 --> 0:11:32.760 oh my gosh, what what's happening? So many different things 0:11:32.840 --> 0:11:35.200 I've like fed and grown a human and this is insane, 0:11:35.240 --> 0:11:37.880 and like, um, is it bad to have those thoughts? 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:39.760 I'm sure a lot of women have them. A lot 0:11:39.800 --> 0:11:41.880 of women have them, I mean, and that is the norm. 0:11:41.960 --> 0:11:43.720 And I think the more we talk about it, the 0:11:43.760 --> 0:11:47.000 more we normalize it, because if every woman is having it, 0:11:47.000 --> 0:11:49.280 it's part of the experience instead of a lot of 0:11:49.320 --> 0:11:51.280 women feel very isolated. Am I the only one who 0:11:51.320 --> 0:11:53.559 doesn't feel any desire? I mean, I don't want to 0:11:53.600 --> 0:11:55.560 be touched, I don't want my breast touched. I don't 0:11:55.559 --> 0:11:58.000 want anything to do with sex right now. There's a 0:11:58.320 --> 0:12:01.200 there's different components. There's the biological component, I mean, your 0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:04.120 hormone changes. Your body has gone through a major trauma. 0:12:04.480 --> 0:12:07.320 We don't really talk about that because women are so resilient, 0:12:07.440 --> 0:12:10.200 but it's it's a trauma to the body, and trauma 0:12:10.240 --> 0:12:14.239 affects your nervous system, it affects your anatomy, it affects 0:12:14.320 --> 0:12:17.440 your mental and emotional health, and we just have to 0:12:17.440 --> 0:12:19.240 talk about that. What I find is that a lot 0:12:19.280 --> 0:12:22.040 of new moms don't have a lot of support at 0:12:22.080 --> 0:12:24.840 all at all. I mean, we don't talk about postpartum blues, 0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:27.880 which is cent or more women, which let's just say 0:12:27.880 --> 0:12:29.800 pretty much every woman having a child is going to 0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:32.840 go through that unbelievable. And also when your doctor just 0:12:32.880 --> 0:12:35.600 clears you at six weeks, which is also insane, that 0:12:35.679 --> 0:12:37.920 you literally go through a birth and the trauma of 0:12:37.920 --> 0:12:41.040 having a baby and you're allowed through insurance. One doctor's visit, 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:43.080 she like checks your regina and she's like good luck, 0:12:43.160 --> 0:12:46.920 and you're like, wait, what exactly? No consoling or you know, 0:12:47.040 --> 0:12:49.160 picking is why we trying gonna be okay, Like I 0:12:49.160 --> 0:12:51.760 don't know what's happening and what if I get hurt? 0:12:51.840 --> 0:12:55.720 And how do am I to think about this? And yes, exactly, 0:12:55.760 --> 0:12:57.840 And I think it's about taking it slow. So again, 0:12:57.880 --> 0:13:00.240 we don't want to jump back into old routine and 0:13:00.280 --> 0:13:02.400 patterns because your body has changed you. I think this 0:13:02.520 --> 0:13:05.280 is a great opportunity to explore new ways to be sexual. 0:13:05.640 --> 0:13:10.839 Let's focus on outer course. What tell me is outer 0:13:10.960 --> 0:13:12.920 courses thing? It's a thing? I mean, we want to 0:13:12.920 --> 0:13:16.920 focus on pleasuring the body outside again, outside of intercourse, 0:13:17.040 --> 0:13:19.120 what are other ways you can pleasure and may start 0:13:19.120 --> 0:13:21.600 with a sensual touch and connection, you know. I think 0:13:21.600 --> 0:13:24.840 if a partner is so adamant on having intercourse and 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:26.840 my penis needs to be a part of sex, then 0:13:27.040 --> 0:13:29.600 your partner needs to learn new ways to experience so 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:34.240 many new there's plenty of opportunity to find new ways 0:13:34.280 --> 0:13:36.000 to be sexual. And I think this is a great 0:13:36.000 --> 0:13:41.319 time to do that. Post partum, when you're healing, your recouping, 0:13:41.480 --> 0:13:46.040 your coping with the changes, and adjusting to new mom life, 0:13:46.120 --> 0:13:48.960 which just is what it is. You're going to be tired, 0:13:49.040 --> 0:13:50.959 You're going to be touched out at the end of 0:13:51.000 --> 0:13:52.840 the day, and we just want to be able to 0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:55.800 say that's okay. What would you recommend for people to 0:13:55.880 --> 0:13:59.959 start with, just starting with maybe just being in connect 0:14:00.040 --> 0:14:04.480 in old school, straight up East Coast makeout. Maybe maybe 0:14:04.520 --> 0:14:10.080 like a nice session stuff before making out. Maybe some 0:14:10.280 --> 0:14:13.960 just like nice touching. Maybe a little dry humping, not 0:14:14.160 --> 0:14:17.560 too much, not too you know, something small that just 0:14:17.640 --> 0:14:21.200 as pleasurable. Dry hump. I'm all about the dry hump. 0:14:21.240 --> 0:14:23.800 I really think we should bring it back. Oh my god, 0:14:23.920 --> 0:14:27.280 I haven't talked about a dry hump since probably high 0:14:27.320 --> 0:14:29.800 school or college. My clients are about it a lot, 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:33.480 because again, women need friction, and how many women will 0:14:33.520 --> 0:14:35.920 say I had my first orgasm through a nice dry 0:14:36.000 --> 0:14:40.760 hump in high school? Yes, also, can we bring this back, ladies, 0:14:40.880 --> 0:14:44.000 Let's bring back the dry hump. It's been a minute. 0:14:44.120 --> 0:14:49.840 I'm wow. What about this old wives tale You can't 0:14:49.840 --> 0:14:52.960 have sex during pregnancy because the guy's penis or her 0:14:53.000 --> 0:14:55.680 strap on or whatever the hell you're using or dildo 0:14:55.880 --> 0:14:58.080 is too big and it's going to hurt the baby. 0:14:58.280 --> 0:15:03.400 That is absolutely not true unless he has some abnormally 0:15:03.520 --> 0:15:06.800 large penis that can Again, I think that is just 0:15:06.880 --> 0:15:08.960 a myth. It's this is a good thing to know. 0:15:09.040 --> 0:15:12.240 If you're fully aroused during sex, your vaginal canal actually 0:15:12.240 --> 0:15:15.120 elongates from three to four inches to six to eight, 0:15:15.280 --> 0:15:19.960 so it elongates in order to allow enough room for penetration. 0:15:20.120 --> 0:15:22.400 So I would say the only issue is if you're 0:15:22.440 --> 0:15:25.480 not aroused and you're just kind of tying intense, then 0:15:25.480 --> 0:15:27.600 there may be a chance that your your body's tense, 0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:30.880 that it could be not only painful lack of lubrication, 0:15:31.160 --> 0:15:33.800 but maybe it's uncomfortable more than anything. But I think 0:15:33.880 --> 0:15:36.200 there's just a lot of myth around. You know, the 0:15:36.560 --> 0:15:38.600 baby is going to get damage. And I think it's 0:15:38.640 --> 0:15:42.080 actually really great for women to have sex during pregnancy. 0:15:42.120 --> 0:15:45.560 Again for the hormonal fluctuations, it's good for your pelvic 0:15:45.560 --> 0:15:48.480 floor muscles, so there's a lot of benefit. Some women 0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:53.920 I know are like super horny, right, I mean that 0:15:54.040 --> 0:15:57.600 was not my experience, but I do have friends that 0:15:57.680 --> 0:16:01.320 it was their experience, which sounds very exciting. The women 0:16:01.360 --> 0:16:04.560 who are nine and a half months pregnant who are 0:16:04.800 --> 0:16:08.960 having sex, I mean, power to them, Like that is incredible, 0:16:09.280 --> 0:16:11.400 like incredible. I don't even know what positions you would 0:16:11.440 --> 0:16:13.160 be in, Like what the hell You've got to be 0:16:13.200 --> 0:16:17.080 really creative? There's actually sex books all about positions during 0:16:17.120 --> 0:16:20.320 pregnancy that you recommend. I can give you a list. 0:16:21.080 --> 0:16:23.840 We're going to put them in Katie's crib notes links 0:16:23.880 --> 0:16:29.440 guys to the Clitteriest Necklace. Two books about what sexual 0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:32.040 positions are great during pregnancy. I'm going to read that 0:16:32.080 --> 0:16:35.400 if I were pregnant again. Okay, UM, tell me about 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:41.000 how partners can help post baby. I know we talked 0:16:41.000 --> 0:16:44.920 about I days and we talked about the dry humping um, 0:16:44.960 --> 0:16:48.080 but I do feel I feel kind of bad for 0:16:48.120 --> 0:16:49.880 the partners. You know, I've never asked him, but I 0:16:49.960 --> 0:16:52.000 bet he Adam was pretty freaked out too. I mean, 0:16:52.080 --> 0:16:57.640 he watched me do that, So I've like never asked him, like, 0:16:58.120 --> 0:17:01.720 are you freaked out to have sex post baby? Like 0:17:01.920 --> 0:17:06.760 are you? Yeah? Actually, speaking from most partners that I've 0:17:07.080 --> 0:17:10.359 talked to in therapy, they are scared. You know, I 0:17:10.359 --> 0:17:12.520 don't want to hurt you. Am I going to injure you? 0:17:12.600 --> 0:17:16.320 How should we get back to a place of being sexual? 0:17:16.480 --> 0:17:19.879 And so I think just have some open conversations about it. 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:23.080 It's all about communication. And I know, maybe uncomfortable and vulnerable, 0:17:23.160 --> 0:17:25.520 but you're both going through the same thing. You want 0:17:25.560 --> 0:17:27.879 to be able to come together as a team and 0:17:27.920 --> 0:17:30.560 figure it out. It shouldn't be only on you to 0:17:30.640 --> 0:17:32.680 figure out how do we kind of get back into 0:17:32.720 --> 0:17:37.280 a routine and and maybe set some realistic expectations. Start 0:17:37.359 --> 0:17:41.800 slow and build up to maybe a full sexual experience, 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:44.479 but just start with maybe talking about sex. What do 0:17:44.520 --> 0:17:46.800 we want our sex life to look like now? What 0:17:46.880 --> 0:17:48.919 are our needs? What our needs now? Because that's what 0:17:49.040 --> 0:17:52.960 changes most postpartum is your needs change. Do you find 0:17:53.000 --> 0:17:55.560 across the board that people with babies just have way 0:17:55.640 --> 0:18:00.560 less sex? Yes, what are we supposed to do about it? 0:18:00.840 --> 0:18:03.119 And that's okay? I think sometimes it's okay to take 0:18:03.160 --> 0:18:05.520 a sex break. I think our society puts a lot 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:07.960 of pressure that we always have to be sexual, and 0:18:08.000 --> 0:18:10.080 I think all of that is subjective. You can be 0:18:10.960 --> 0:18:13.880 non sexual and still be a healthy sexual being. So 0:18:14.040 --> 0:18:17.000 it's not always about frequency. It's about the quality of sex. 0:18:17.040 --> 0:18:19.960 So you can have one great quality sexual experience and 0:18:20.000 --> 0:18:22.080 maybe that fills both of your needs for a while. 0:18:22.119 --> 0:18:25.400 It doesn't have to be about keeping a schedule and 0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:27.880 we have to do this, or we're the only couple 0:18:27.960 --> 0:18:30.879 not having sex every week, every other day. Whatever. It 0:18:30.920 --> 0:18:33.879 makes dream of a conversation because as you listeners all know, 0:18:33.960 --> 0:18:36.480 I'm like a super goal oriented type, a list maker, 0:18:37.040 --> 0:18:41.280 and so when sex sex fucked, oh it's horrible. But 0:18:41.359 --> 0:18:43.080 when I sit here and I talked to you, I'm 0:18:43.119 --> 0:18:46.400 also someone who because I'm an actor and artist, I 0:18:46.480 --> 0:18:48.760 do understand like being in the flow of something and 0:18:48.840 --> 0:18:52.879 letting go and and and really understanding that that is 0:18:52.880 --> 0:18:57.679 a rewarding thing. But we have jobs, we're taking on 0:18:57.720 --> 0:18:59.640 the world, We're doing all this stuff. And then when 0:18:59.640 --> 0:19:01.200 someone as to you, well, you don't have a healthy 0:19:01.240 --> 0:19:03.280 sex life unless you check that thing off three times 0:19:03.280 --> 0:19:07.600 a week on some fucking list, you know, that is 0:19:07.640 --> 0:19:10.200 definitely in my head. And so I definitely had a 0:19:10.200 --> 0:19:12.160 conversation with my girlfriends how many times are you doing 0:19:12.160 --> 0:19:14.959 it a week? Like? Why is that the conversation? It sucks? 0:19:15.000 --> 0:19:17.960 I guess you should really be like I had an amazing, 0:19:19.000 --> 0:19:23.000 like dry hump last night, I got fingered and you 0:19:23.040 --> 0:19:26.160 wouldn't believe it was amazing list night exactly. I agree, 0:19:26.160 --> 0:19:28.000 because you can't really fail at sex. But we have 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:31.000 set up these mindsets of either we're doing really well 0:19:31.080 --> 0:19:35.000 and doing it enough and succeeding, or we're not. So 0:19:35.080 --> 0:19:37.520 it's this, you know, black and white way of looking 0:19:37.600 --> 0:19:39.960 at sex, And I think sex is not something we do. 0:19:40.119 --> 0:19:41.720 If we think of it like that, then it is 0:19:41.800 --> 0:19:44.399 going to be just another thing to check off the 0:19:44.400 --> 0:19:47.160 box or you know, something we have to get done. 0:19:47.160 --> 0:19:49.359 But I think of it as an experience. Every sexual 0:19:49.400 --> 0:19:51.560 experience is different, even if you're doing it the same 0:19:51.560 --> 0:19:54.680 way in the same position. It's kind of like creative work. 0:19:54.720 --> 0:19:56.800 You know. Our libido is really our life force that 0:19:56.800 --> 0:19:59.840 has nothing to do with just being sexual. It's what 0:20:00.040 --> 0:20:02.720 we put towards things that we desire and we're passionate about. 0:20:02.760 --> 0:20:04.480 So sometimes we do put a lot of it towards 0:20:04.480 --> 0:20:06.719 our work, or we put it towards our family, But 0:20:06.800 --> 0:20:10.280 it's just about what excites us, what gets that energy going. 0:20:10.520 --> 0:20:13.920 And I think with vacation, like you said, you get excited, 0:20:14.040 --> 0:20:16.280 you think about it, you fantasize about it, you start 0:20:16.359 --> 0:20:18.480 thinking about the food you're going to eat, all the 0:20:18.560 --> 0:20:22.240 pleasures of vacation, and that turns you on. And so 0:20:22.320 --> 0:20:24.040 that's what we need to do for sex, is think 0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:26.560 about those things and be really mindful of what that 0:20:26.680 --> 0:20:40.080 is for us. How do you give tips to moms 0:20:40.880 --> 0:20:44.800 about increasing their sex stress, Like do those pills at 0:20:44.800 --> 0:20:50.160 seven eleven, do not do those pilen being a waitress 0:20:50.280 --> 0:20:53.800 here in l A and this girl was into those pills. 0:20:53.800 --> 0:20:56.200 Like this other waitress was like, oh, like my boyfriend's 0:20:56.200 --> 0:20:58.160 coming into town. Like I'm just stapped by seven eleven. 0:20:58.200 --> 0:21:01.240 Getting those pills. You will remain nameless, but they don't 0:21:01.280 --> 0:21:04.159 work right. You know, it'll give you a lot of energy, 0:21:04.240 --> 0:21:07.000 but you may be a little bit over stimulated. So 0:21:07.040 --> 0:21:11.880 it's basically an energy, big energy. It's basically like take 0:21:12.000 --> 0:21:15.399 drinking three cups of coffee right before you have sex. 0:21:15.520 --> 0:21:18.600 That would be horrible for me. What a terrible mix 0:21:18.720 --> 0:21:21.800