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Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we discuss and talk through some of

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Speaker 1: the big changes and transitions of our twenties and what

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Speaker 1: they mean for our psychology. Hello, welcome back to the podcast.

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Speaker 1: I hope you all had a really lovely holidays, whether

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Speaker 1: you're about yourself or with your family or with friends. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's a beautiful summer, and your COVID's kind of ruining

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Speaker 1: a lot of plans. So if that's what happened to you,

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Speaker 1: I'm really sorry. Hopefully it picks up in the new year.

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Speaker 1: Not case wise, but you know, fun and emotionally wise.

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Speaker 1: So today we're talking about a concept that we all

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Speaker 1: kind of have to become familiar with in our twenties, forgiveness.

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Speaker 1: There's surprisingly a lot of research and insights into how

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Speaker 1: our minds cope with forgiveness and the emotional reactions kind

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Speaker 1: of surround it. And I think forgiveness is such a

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Speaker 1: loaded word. It's been tossed around self help circles for years,

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Speaker 1: but I think little has been made of what the

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Speaker 1: science behind forgiveness can teach us about our own lives.

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Speaker 1: And there's also a lot of advice about how to

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Speaker 1: process forgiveness and why philosophy of forgiveness in our lives,

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Speaker 1: a personal philosophy is great for our well being. It's

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Speaker 1: good for our relationships and overall peace and satisfaction. And

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Speaker 1: I think it's a process we have to become incredibly

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Speaker 1: comfortable within our twenties as we face wrongdoings, we face

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Speaker 1: conflict and spites. We have a lot of interpersonal growth

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Speaker 1: that maybe comes from people doing the wrong thing. So

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Speaker 1: let's dig into all the nitty gritty psychology behind letting

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Speaker 1: go those feelings and thoughts of resentment and bitterness, anger

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Speaker 1: and the need for vengeance against people we believed have

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Speaker 1: wronged us, including ourselves. Forgiveness of others is kind of

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Speaker 1: the main thing we offer talk about, but forgiving yourself

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Speaker 1: for things and mistakes you make in making your twenties,

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Speaker 1: of which we will all do, is equally as important.

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Speaker 1: So let's really dive in and learn some more about

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Speaker 1: what psychology can teach us about forgiveness. Forgiveness is so

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Speaker 1: important in our lives. Inevitably, people are going to wrong us,

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Speaker 1: They're going to hurt us, and we kind of have

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Speaker 1: two decisions to make after that happens. Either we can

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Speaker 1: hold onto it and let it build anger and upset

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Speaker 1: inside of us, or we can possibly forgive and let

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Speaker 1: some of that anger go. Before we kind of get

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Speaker 1: into it, I think we just need to dive into

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Speaker 1: a few caveats before we get started, because I think

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Speaker 1: forgiveness is a very nuanced topic. It's not straightforward, and

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Speaker 1: that really should be reflected throughout our discussion and throughout

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Speaker 1: some of the advice that psychology tends to give us.

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Speaker 1: I think, firstly, there are some things that are unforgivable,

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Speaker 1: and that benchmark is totally subjective. If someone has hurt

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Speaker 1: you or violated your boundaries in a way that you

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Speaker 1: don't believe deserves grace, that is entirely your decision, and

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Speaker 1: you're not obligated to let go of those feelings of

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Speaker 1: hurt for the sake of the other person. I think

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Speaker 1: there are so many instances that we can all kind

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Speaker 1: of think of where you probably shouldn't forgive someone. You

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Speaker 1: can try and move on, but they might not deserve

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Speaker 1: for you to have to process their actions in a

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Speaker 1: way that kind of redeems them. And I think, as

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Speaker 1: psychology would say, forgiveness does not mean forgetting your memories

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Speaker 1: of a pain or a betrayal are not eradicated by

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Speaker 1: any kind of process you go through, especially not overnight,

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Speaker 1: maybe not ever either. But I think from my perspective,

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Speaker 1: forgiveness is never for the other person staying angry and

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Speaker 1: resentful and eventful. It kind of comes at a price.

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Speaker 1: All those feelings can have a really detrimental impact on

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Speaker 1: your physical and emotional health as well as your relationships.

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Speaker 1: That's why, at the end of the day, forgiveness is

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Speaker 1: really for you. It allows you to have peace and

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Speaker 1: to view another person's actions as a result of their past,

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Speaker 1: of their decisions, their flaws, and not your own, which

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Speaker 1: I believe is really freeing. And this also applies to

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Speaker 1: yourself in many ways and probably all the most important ways.

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Speaker 1: If you hold onto feelings of resentment, maybe resentment against

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Speaker 1: yourself and anger at yourself, and you let yourselves do

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Speaker 1: and that you are allowing your actions or their actions

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Speaker 1: if it's another person, to continue to kind of live

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Speaker 1: rent free in your mind and impact you when you

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Speaker 1: can't be confident your actions are influencing them in the

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Speaker 1: same way, you continue to hold the weight of their

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Speaker 1: actions within you, and it's kind of like quite an

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Speaker 1: unfair equation. I think you're the one who's suffering, and

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Speaker 1: it's kind in some ways their fault. And that's why

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Speaker 1: forgiveness there's really kind of a personal responsibility and kind

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Speaker 1: of something that has a lot more personal benefits than

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Speaker 1: it is for the other person. It's not absolving that

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Speaker 1: person of any guilt, it's allowing yourself to clean your

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Speaker 1: mind of their wrongdoings. Okay, that little tangent out of

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Speaker 1: the way. I think it was important to kind of

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Speaker 1: clear that up because there are many instances, I'm sure

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Speaker 1: we can all imagine somewhere forgiveness is not possible, and

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Speaker 1: that is completely okay, But let's talk about some of

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Speaker 1: the times when it is. This is what psychology today

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Speaker 1: has to say about the idea of letting go of

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Speaker 1: those nasty feelings of resentment that so often come when

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Speaker 1: someone wrongs you. Forgiveness is really the cornerstone of any relationship,

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Speaker 1: romantic or otherwise. We assume people see life the same

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Speaker 1: way that we see life. However, there are as many

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Speaker 1: perceptions as there are people in this world, maybe even more.

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Speaker 1: Our luck of understanding of other people's perceptions. That's what

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Speaker 1: can create those gaps that lead to miscommunication and anger, animosity,

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Speaker 1: and emotional disconnection. However, our relationship with forgiveness can help

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Speaker 1: kind of bridge those gaps to hopefully a better outcome.

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Speaker 1: And we can intellectualize forgiveness as long as we want,

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Speaker 1: but it's a process that takes time. Takes a lot

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Speaker 1: of time when betrayal and miscommunication inhibit our ability to forgive.

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Speaker 1: It's okay to feel those feelings. Shock and anger often

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Speaker 1: come before forgiveness. It's like the grief process, and we

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Speaker 1: must first deal with those hurt feelings before moving into forgiveness.

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Speaker 1: And let us respect that process, a process that can

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Speaker 1: happen sometimes without us even realizing it. Sometimes by simply

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Speaker 1: exploring the situation and in acknowledging the impact of the betrayal,

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Speaker 1: the reasons and the content behind the betrayal, that can

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Speaker 1: be the kind of beginning foundation of future peace. Maybe forgiveness,

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Speaker 1: maybe giving some people grace, understanding that their actions might

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Speaker 1: not reflect the best parts of their character. But if

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Speaker 1: you're finding for giving someone hard, there's this idea and

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Speaker 1: psychology called radical responsibility. And I kind of really gig

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Speaker 1: out about this because it was the philosophy that I

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Speaker 1: intentionally adopted at the end of twenty nineteen, and it

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Speaker 1: helped me immensely. I talk about this all the time.

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Speaker 1: I think it is one of the best contributions of

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Speaker 1: positive psychology ever. So radical responsibility. It kind of requires

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Speaker 1: being accountable for yourself, owning your actions, owning your feelings, thoughts,

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Speaker 1: and behaviors, and it involves voluntarily embracing one hundred percent

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Speaker 1: of responsibility or ownership for each and every circumstance we

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Speaker 1: face in life, day in day out. This has nothing

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Speaker 1: to do with self blame. I think it's often misconstrued

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Speaker 1: as making yourself accountable means making yourself feel bad, you know.

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Speaker 1: Nor is it kind of about heroically taking on some

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Speaker 1: burden of some kind, making you meaning that you're a

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Speaker 1: better person than others because you are more responsible for

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Speaker 1: your actions, you're more radical and how you take accountability.

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Speaker 1: It's just kind of an act of self empowerment, choosing

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Speaker 1: to focus our available time and energy where we actually

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Speaker 1: have influence, and that's completely ourselves and our choices. We

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Speaker 1: cannot influence people to the degree that we sometimes want.

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Speaker 1: But I think one way to make yourself feel better

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Speaker 1: and is that you can influence yourself. You have complete autonomy,

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Speaker 1: although that's kind of up for debate, but you do

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Speaker 1: have autonomy over what you choose to do in a situation,

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Speaker 1: and rather than reacting with fear, running away, or denying

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Speaker 1: that you have any power over what is happening, you

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Speaker 1: kind of have to take the action to avoid reoccurring

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Speaker 1: harmful behavior, either done by yourself or done against you

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Speaker 1: by others. And you have to recognize behaviors that are

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Speaker 1: unhealthy without judgment, without blame, and take responsibility for that. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So how does radical responsibility to relate to forgiveness, because

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Speaker 1: I know it kind of seems a little bit out there. Well,

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Speaker 1: i'll tell you. I think it kind of relates in

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Speaker 1: two ways. Firstly, you can recognize how we all make mistakes.

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Speaker 1: With radical responsibility. If you can accept that we all

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Speaker 1: have ownership over our own actions, you can understand that

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Speaker 1: you may have made the same mistakes that you're upset

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Speaker 1: about with someone else, because it's completely it's all on

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Speaker 1: us at every point. We have to take ownership of

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Speaker 1: our actions. And I think it allows you to think

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Speaker 1: about whether you would like to be forgiven if you

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Speaker 1: made the same mistakes. That's something that I really really

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Speaker 1: think about when I'm facing a situation and where either

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Speaker 1: I've done someone wrong or I felt like betrayed, I

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Speaker 1: felt hurt. Would I want to be forgiven if I

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Speaker 1: had done the same thing? Can I understand why someone

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Speaker 1: would have acted in that way? How my own actions

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Speaker 1: may have created the situation that's forced them to feel

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Speaker 1: like the only option is to just kind of borrow

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Speaker 1: in deeper to kind of end up hurting someone. Radical

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Speaker 1: responsibility it also involves self forgiveness, recognizing how your own

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Speaker 1: mistakes are something that can be forgiven because you can

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Speaker 1: take responsibility for your actions but also allow yourself to

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Speaker 1: see what's cauds them. I think radical responsibility is also

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Speaker 1: a skill that helps propel a forgiving attitude, but also

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Speaker 1: one of removal. If a person has wronged you, Radical

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Speaker 1: responsibility allows you to forgive them, but also recognize it's

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Speaker 1: your responsibility to put things in place, to put boundaries

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Speaker 1: in place, stratgy use in place to ensure that you

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Speaker 1: have the distance you need or it never happens again,

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Speaker 1: or you're prepared with the consequences if it does, because

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Speaker 1: it's your responsibility only yours, to ensure that you get

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Speaker 1: the best outcome in your life. Radical responsibility is kind

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Speaker 1: of one skill within a whole skill tool kit that

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Speaker 1: can assist us in forgiving others as well as ourselves.

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Speaker 1: It's just one step, and there are a bunch of others,

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Speaker 1: a bunch of others that have been included, that are

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Speaker 1: equally as important and really really promoted in psychology at large,

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Speaker 1: not just in the area of forgiveness. So the first

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Speaker 1: one includes acceptance when someone has done you wrong. An

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Speaker 1: acceptance is not about defeat or resignation. It's about accepting

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Speaker 1: what has happened. You know, after all, wild change is inevitable.

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Speaker 1: Suffering is the result of our resistance to it. It's

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Speaker 1: the result of us not accepting another person's behavior, trying

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Speaker 1: to excuse it, trying to create explanation, and acceptance kind

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Speaker 1: of shifts the balance. Your view of what is happening alters.

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Speaker 1: You separate the pain that is inevitable from the suffering

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Speaker 1: that is optional. Let me say that again. You separate

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Speaker 1: the pain that is inevitable from the suffering that is optional.

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Speaker 1: Pain and suffering are so different. Pain is this like instantaneous,

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Speaker 1: spontaneous emotional reaction. But suffering is when you hold onto

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Speaker 1: it and to forgive. You must accept the past. That

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Speaker 1: is not to say you like it or that you

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Speaker 1: know it was within your power to stop it, that

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Speaker 1: you could have done something, but it's happened and it

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Speaker 1: can't be undone. But the suffering that you might feel

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Speaker 1: afterwards is completely optional. So the second kind of skill

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Speaker 1: or step is emotional regulation. And emotional regulation helps you

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Speaker 1: manage your emotions and avoid hijacking your amygdala. So that's

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Speaker 1: the part of the brain responsible for initiating your flight

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Speaker 1: or fight or flee I guess reaction. So research has

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Speaker 1: shown that you cannot you cannot suppress negative emotions. I'm

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Speaker 1: sure we've all tried. That you have a negative thought,

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Speaker 1: you try to just like shake it out of your

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Speaker 1: brain or do something that distracts you, but it's always

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Speaker 1: going to come back stronger, and it appears that you

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Speaker 1: have based on your behavior. You know, your limbic system

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Speaker 1: kind of tells a different story and remains highly active. So,

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Speaker 1: like I said, even if you try, you can't really

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Speaker 1: avoid feeling negative emotions. Instead, it's kind of better to

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Speaker 1: become aware of your emotions and recognize and label them

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Speaker 1: and interrupt and calm your response. You know, if you're saying,

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Speaker 1: I feel tense, my heart is beating faster, I'm scared.

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Speaker 1: Naming emotions provides space. An emotional regulation helps you identify

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Speaker 1: and learn from your feelings, and this is really important

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Speaker 1: for forgiveness, where you need to be aware of the

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Speaker 1: her anger and grief you may be facing, to accept

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Speaker 1: it and to kind of move forward with grace and

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Speaker 1: give yourself the peace that comes with forgiving and letting go.

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Speaker 1: The third kind of skill is shifting perspectives. So shifting

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Speaker 1: perspectives can help you stand back and observe your thoughts,

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Speaker 1: observe your feelings and your bodily sensations, and in that

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Speaker 1: way you kind of cease to be a slave to

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Speaker 1: a selfish narrative, one that is trying to undermine you.

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Speaker 1: An awareness of the sensation is very different from experiencing it,

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Speaker 1: and it can provide the psychological distancing needed to move forward.

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Speaker 1: So psychological distancing this is a really important concept when

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Speaker 1: we're talking about forgiveness. It's about being able to view

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Speaker 1: your emotional reactions, view your pain, but not be too

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Speaker 1: attached to it, not feel comfortable in it, which sometimes happened.

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Speaker 1: Happens after a while and it's the saying, you know,

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Speaker 1: observing anger, it's not the same as being angry. There's

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Speaker 1: a really great kind of strategy around that. It's always

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Speaker 1: talked about in psychology. I'm sure if you have a

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Speaker 1: therapist they've suggested this, but it's called mindfulness, and it

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Speaker 1: can kind of provide a practical path to shifting your

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Speaker 1: perspective and seeing that your experiences do not define who

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Speaker 1: you are. I think mindfulness kind of has a bad

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Speaker 1: route because it's always kind of talked about in psychology

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Speaker 1: and circles of psychological thought, but it's really useful. If

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Speaker 1: you can sit back and observe your thoughts kind of

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Speaker 1: floating through your head and not react to them, you'll

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Speaker 1: find that you're a lot more prepared to deal with

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Speaker 1: situations when those emotions are surprising. Okay, the next skill

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Speaker 1: in the path and the journey to forgiveness is empathy

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Speaker 1: and compassion. I know it sounds so fucking bullshit, sounds

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Speaker 1: so wishy washy, but empathy and compassion it really helps

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Speaker 1: you feel what another is experiencing and can be incredibly

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Speaker 1: helpful on a path to forgiveness. So if you can

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Speaker 1: recognize why someone chose to act the way they did.

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Speaker 1: It's really enlightening and it really helps you maybe yeah,

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Speaker 1: see things from their perspective definitely, But also, like I said,

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Speaker 1: with the radical responsibility, things that it allows you to

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Speaker 1: recognize how you could have made the same mistake. And

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Speaker 1: while empathy is powerful and understanding the pain of another,

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Speaker 1: compassion encourages encourages you to take action needed to reduce

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Speaker 1: that's suffering. You know, They kind of they work in tandem,

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Speaker 1: looking at someone understanding their thoughts, their behavior, trying to

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Speaker 1: put yourself in their shoes, maybe even thinking about their guilt.

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Speaker 1: That is really really important. And the final skill is

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Speaker 1: of course radical responsibility, accepting your own role and moving forward.

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Speaker 1: But of course it's not always that simple, and it's

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Speaker 1: not just about skills, although they're important because I spent

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Speaker 1: like five minutes talking about them. There's also some proven

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Speaker 1: steps up along the process of forgiveness, and we'll talk

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Speaker 1: about why it's important that you do so for your

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Speaker 1: health later on. Although there are like a variety of

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Speaker 1: definitions of forgiveness, research has suggested that they all kind

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Speaker 1: of have three common components. Firstly, gaining a more balanced

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Speaker 1: view of the offender and the event secondly decreasing negative

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Speaker 1: feelings towards the offender and potentially increasing compassion, and finally

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Speaker 1: giving up the right or the feeling that you have

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Speaker 1: a right to punish the offender further or to demand restitution.

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Speaker 1: That is such a big component forgiveness, I think doesn't

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Speaker 1: just involve being or accepting what's happened. In involves not

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Speaker 1: needing to retaliate, and involves being free of the need

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Speaker 1: to hurt someone the same way that they have hurt you,

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Speaker 1: which is such a common reaction when you hate them,

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Speaker 1: when you're angry, wanting to just cause in the same

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Speaker 1: pain that they have caused you. You need to let

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Speaker 1: that go because that becomes a very comfortable feeling to

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Speaker 1: live in. A feeling of anger is very very easy

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Speaker 1: because it feels good, it's natural. But is it really

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Speaker 1: going to give you the best outcome? Probably not simple steps,

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Speaker 1: those three steps really when you say it like that,

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Speaker 1: but I don't think it is that simple. You know,

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Speaker 1: three simple steps. It makes it seem like that, but

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Speaker 1: we know, we all know, anyone who has forgiven someone

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Speaker 1: knows it's so much more consuming than that, so much

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Speaker 1: more consuming than just being like, oh, yes, I give

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Speaker 1: up my right to present them. But when painful experiences

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Speaker 1: do hit, sometimes we do need immediate strategies. If you're

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Speaker 1: feeling like that vengeance, I guess, and what I find

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Speaker 1: really useful is called positive emotion refocusing technique. So pae

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Speaker 1: art positive emotion refocusing technique. But I don't know why

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Speaker 1: I said it, like so wow, so enthusiastically but curtly. Anyhow,

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Speaker 1: this technique can help in avoiding long term pain by

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Speaker 1: refocusing you in the moment, as the name kind of suggests,

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Speaker 1: when we do feel overwhelmed by another person's actions or

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Speaker 1: anger at ourselves or at that person. So PRT can

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Speaker 1: be performed in less than a minute and pretty discreetly,

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Speaker 1: and it helps you kind of return to a state

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Speaker 1: of calm. Importantly, it also helps you restore control and

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Speaker 1: prepare yourself to make useful decisions. You know, don't act

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Speaker 1: rashly when someone has hurt you, don't send angry messages,

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Speaker 1: don't try and undercut them or sabotage their relationships or

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Speaker 1: something that's important to them that just makes yourself the villain.

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Speaker 1: So the way that you can kind of perform PRT

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Speaker 1: when you're feeling like just overwhelmed by those feelings. Just

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Speaker 1: like aggression and anger, you find like a comfortable place

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Speaker 1: to sit and attend to each inhalation and exhalation, breathing

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Speaker 1: essentially on the third breath, focus on someone you love.

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Speaker 1: Breathe gently, maintain focus. It's experiencing that emotion of love deeply,

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Speaker 1: and wish on them every positive thing that you could

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Speaker 1: possibly wish on. Maybe this is the person that has

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Speaker 1: hurt you. If there's someone that was once close to you,

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Speaker 1: remember why you loved them. We'll remember why you cared

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Speaker 1: about them, and wish good things upon them, not for yourself,

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Speaker 1: but for them, so that maybe they don't hurt others.

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Speaker 1: But maybe they're able to kind of push through the

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Speaker 1: bad decisions they've made or yeah forgiving them, realizing realizing

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Speaker 1: why they would have done that, maybe the guilt they're

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Speaker 1: also feeling. And ask yourself what you can do to

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Speaker 1: overcome the difficulty you're experiencing in the present. Maybe you've

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Speaker 1: seen them, maybe you've received a message from them, maybe

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Speaker 1: someone's mentioned them. Just wish love upon them. And I

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Speaker 1: know it sounds so almost like Christian I know that

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Speaker 1: sounds weird, but it sounds very like religious to wish

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Speaker 1: love upon by enemy. But I've done it before. It

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Speaker 1: really works, It really works to shift your mind frame.

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Speaker 1: And it's kind of nice to think that if you

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Speaker 1: were in the position that they're in, maybe the person

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Speaker 1: you've hurt would be doing the same thing the same

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Speaker 1: way that you would feel you deserve forgiveness. Give them that,

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Speaker 1: give them that grace. Throughout all of these skills and strategies. Though,

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Speaker 1: if psychology tells us that forgiveness is a process like

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Speaker 1: all other things, and you cannot change your perspective or

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Speaker 1: attitude towards someone overnight, and whilst the duration and difficulty

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Speaker 1: will vary significantly, it can be equally applied to all

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Speaker 1: levels of pain. Whether it's the result of someone being

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Speaker 1: rude to us in a store, maybe a life cut short,

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Speaker 1: or a partner cheating, a friend lying to you. Yes,

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Speaker 1: they're are going to involve a certain level of pain,

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Speaker 1: and it's important to realize that with time kind of heals,

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Speaker 1: heals most things, and both research and experience, I guess

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Speaker 1: I've suggested that one roadblock people face with forgiveness is

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Speaker 1: the idea of being seen as weak and saying that

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Speaker 1: what the offender did is excusable. But let's reevaluate the

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Speaker 1: definitions of forgiveness that we've kind of discussed in many ways.

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Speaker 1: I think it takes more strength to forgive. Staying angry

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Speaker 1: and bitter is easy. It's so easy because it feels

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Speaker 1: good and it's comfortable, and we can accommodate and get

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Speaker 1: used to our angry feelings because they feel natural. But

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Speaker 1: it takes a lot more work to forgive someone. It's

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Speaker 1: not a natural instinct to move on. It's not a

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Speaker 1: natural instinct to see someone for their mistakes, accept their mistakes,

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Speaker 1: and forgive them for those. So to suggest, I guess,

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Speaker 1: and for you to personally suggest in your own mind

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Speaker 1: that forgiveness equals weakness, I think is really false. Giveness

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Speaker 1: is pretty powerful. It's the harder path to choose now

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Speaker 1: for some of the benefits. I think throughout this i've

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Speaker 1: kind of talked about lights so good for your health?

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Speaker 1: Why you need to forgive people? Why it's the best philosophy.

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Speaker 1: And I think a lot of people would say, well,

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Speaker 1: why do I need to do that? Why do I

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Speaker 1: need to do that? Anger is just as the valid

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Speaker 1: emotion is peace. It's okay to feel angry. Everyone's always

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Speaker 1: saying that it's okay to feel pain, like all those

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Speaker 1: emotions are equally as valid and important in how we

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Speaker 1: operate as psychological beings, as beings with a consciousness, But

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Speaker 1: for giving people when it's I guess a viable has

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Speaker 1: so many more benefits than anger has so many benefits psychologically,

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Speaker 1: and I guess that's because anger is an emotion that

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Speaker 1: inherently and innately heightens a lot of our reactions, heightens

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Speaker 1: a lot of our physical states, and it puts pressure

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Speaker 1: on your body. You can feel your anger, you can

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Speaker 1: feel your pain, but when you have that kind of

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Speaker 1: philosophy and that state of forgiveness, can feel that peace

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Speaker 1: as well. You can feel that your heart isn't working

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Speaker 1: as hard, your mind isn't working as hard, your body

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Speaker 1: isn't working as hard to push through those feelings of

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Speaker 1: wanting vengeance. So there's this really cool professor. His name's

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Speaker 1: doctor Frederick Luskin. It's a director of the Stanford University

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Speaker 1: Forgiveness Project, and the Forgiveness Project I came across it

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Speaker 1: maybe like five years ago, I think, even when I

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Speaker 1: was in high school. And it's a really cool initiative.

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Speaker 1: So it started by this professor and it gets people

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Speaker 1: to share stories of forgiveness in order to kind of

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Speaker 1: build hope, empathy, understanding, and self forgiveness as well, not

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Speaker 1: just forgiveness for others, which we typically think of, and

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Speaker 1: they're really really interesting stories. There's one about this woman

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Speaker 1: who forgives this man who basically like chopped off her

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Speaker 1: limb during the Rwandan genocide. Kind of puts things into

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Speaker 1: perspective if she can forgive him for mutilating her acting

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Speaker 1: in such violence. I think we forgive our neighbor for

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Speaker 1: letting their dogshit on our lawn or something. So for

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Speaker 1: one of his studies, this professor he recruited students between

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Speaker 1: eighteen and thirty who wish to attend forgiveness training to

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Speaker 1: resolve personal issues. Good on them, very proud, So he

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Speaker 1: split them into groups and he interviewed them before and

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Speaker 1: after the training, and results confirmed really positively that forgiveness

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Speaker 1: training helps people feel significantly less hurt, less stress, It

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Speaker 1: helps them learn techniques for forgiving specific and more general resentment,

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Speaker 1: and it also helps them release pain, release tension in

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Speaker 1: their body, have more positive into personal relationships and overall,

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Speaker 1: the findings really suggested that learning to forgive improves psychological

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Speaker 1: as well as physical wellness, and it offers protection against

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Speaker 1: future upsets. It allows you to feel less hurt the

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Speaker 1: next time someone does you wrong, put more healthy boundaries

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Speaker 1: in place to maybe be ensure that doesn't happen again.

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Speaker 1: And it leads you to become emotionally stronger. It leads

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Speaker 1: you to experience greater optimism, greater confidence, and I just

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Speaker 1: think that sounds like a much better alternative than stewing

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Speaker 1: in a pretty ugly emotion stewing in stress and tension.

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Speaker 1: And virtual psychology also says and has shown time and

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Speaker 1: time again that when people report a philosophy of forgiveness

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Speaker 1: or higher levels of forgiveness, they also tended to report

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Speaker 1: better health habits and decreased depression, anxiety and anger levels

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Speaker 1: dare even in betrayed couples, So maybe couples, whether there's

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00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:42,320
Speaker 1: been cheating or something awful, greater levels of forgiveness were

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Speaker 1: associated with more satisfied relationships, a stronger co parenting alliance,

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Speaker 1: and a child's perceptions of parenting function. So it's better

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Speaker 1: for your kids. You pass on those emotionally strong behaviors

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Speaker 1: and you kind of see healthy generational patterns and habits

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Speaker 1: for me. Physiologically, higher levels of forgiveness we're associated with

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Speaker 1: lower white blood cell count, lower blood pressure, and white

432
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:19,840
Speaker 1: blood cells are integral part of fighting diseases and infections.

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00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,240
Speaker 1: So obviously this makes sense because our psychological health is

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00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:26,520
Speaker 1: so integral to our health overall. But I still think that,

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00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:28,560
Speaker 1: like the exact science is hard to pin down. Why

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00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,200
Speaker 1: forgiving people means you have more white blood cells, which

437
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,200
Speaker 1: means you are better able to fight disease. I guess

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00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:35,840
Speaker 1: it's showing how our health is so holistic. It's not

439
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:38,960
Speaker 1: just about how much you exercise or how much mindfulness

440
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:42,520
Speaker 1: you do. It's all involved, it's all related, and I

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00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:45,679
Speaker 1: just think together these results highlight the importance of forgiveness.

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00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:49,840
Speaker 1: I know I sound like such a broken record, but

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00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,200
Speaker 1: it's not for the other person. It's for you. All

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00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:54,600
Speaker 1: those benefits are showing it's for you. You're the one

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00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:57,080
Speaker 1: who has more white blood cells, Thank you very much,

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00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,800
Speaker 1: So don't allow your mind and body, I guess, to

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00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,400
Speaker 1: go through another day of feeling vengeful and angry. You're

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00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:06,520
Speaker 1: the one who has to kind of hold that burden

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00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:14,320
Speaker 1: at the end of the day. Anyhow, Like I said,

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00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:17,800
Speaker 1: broken record, we can talk about it all that we want,

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00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:19,600
Speaker 1: but I feel like we all know the best outcome,

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00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:22,399
Speaker 1: or at least I seem to know. I seem to

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00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:25,320
Speaker 1: know what my personal philosophy is. If it's not your philosophy,

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00:28:25,359 --> 00:28:27,840
Speaker 1: I totally understand. And I also know there are so

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00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:30,560
Speaker 1: many instances where it's just not viable. You can't forgive

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00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:33,320
Speaker 1: someone for some terrible wrongdoing, and you shouldn't have to either.

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00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:36,520
Speaker 1: But I think if we see it as not for them,

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00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:39,600
Speaker 1: but for you, we kind of shift our perspectives and

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00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:42,640
Speaker 1: see life kind of in a better way. You can

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00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:46,000
Speaker 1: forgive people for anything, really, if you're willing to, if

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00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,760
Speaker 1: you're able to, and it really helps you, doesn't help

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00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:51,440
Speaker 1: that other person. They don't get to know. You don't

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00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:53,239
Speaker 1: have to tell them that you've forgiven them, Just do

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00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:56,920
Speaker 1: it for you, for you personally. Such an important thing

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00:28:57,000 --> 00:29:00,360
Speaker 1: as well for our twenties, just because there's going to

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00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:03,760
Speaker 1: be so many instances in which people do hurt us,

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00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:07,320
Speaker 1: and it's kind of the first experience where it's a

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00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:10,960
Speaker 1: bit more complicated than just schoolyard antics. It's a lot

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00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:14,080
Speaker 1: more nuanced. There's so many different aspects to it. So

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00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:17,959
Speaker 1: being able to adopt that philosophy really does propel us

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00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:20,320
Speaker 1: into being better humans for the long run, better humans

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Speaker 1: as bag. Thanks for listening to this episode. This was

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00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:28,640
Speaker 1: a suggestion by someone on Instagram, so thanks for engaging

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00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:30,760
Speaker 1: with the podcast on other platforms. If you want to

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00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:35,000
Speaker 1: follow us on Facebook, on Instagram, wherever, it's called Twenties

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00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:40,440
Speaker 1: Psychology Podcast. Also Spotify and Apple now allow you to

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00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:46,160
Speaker 1: leave reviews of podcasts Wow crazy and a review. Sharing

478
00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:49,880
Speaker 1: your feedback is probably the best and easiest way to

479
00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:53,560
Speaker 1: help independent podcasts like myself who are doing this all

480
00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:55,600
Speaker 1: on our own just out of the passion in our

481
00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:59,600
Speaker 1: hearts really helps us grow. And you know, every time

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00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:01,720
Speaker 1: I get like a new listener or a new follower

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00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:05,120
Speaker 1: on Instagram or on the podcast and you subscribe, it

484
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:08,560
Speaker 1: really makes me really happy. So consider it a New

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00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:10,640
Speaker 1: Year's gift if you're willing to do it. It It literally

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00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:14,160
Speaker 1: takes a second, and if you've gotten something useful at

487
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:18,600
Speaker 1: this podcast, I would of course really appreciate it. Also,

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00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:22,280
Speaker 1: another episode coming next a week, actually two episodes, I've

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00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:25,960
Speaker 1: Got Kate on, I've Got Aaron on An Aaron's boyfriend

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00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:30,200
Speaker 1: Jack and the Psychology of People Pleasing a really good

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00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,400
Speaker 1: way to start your new year. So thanks for the support.

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00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:37,200
Speaker 1: This year my first year in the podcast universe and

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Speaker 1: it's been amazing. So I love you all and thank

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Speaker 1: you for listening this far. If you made it, have

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00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:44,280
Speaker 1: a wonderful, wonderful day,