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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy Hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you

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Speaker 1: love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is

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Speaker 1: not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with

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Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much

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Speaker 1: for joining me for a special bonus episode of the

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls podcast. We'll jump right into our

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Speaker 1: conversation after a word from our sponsors. We're so honored

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Speaker 1: to be nominated for the Outstanding Lifestyle and Self Help

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Speaker 1: Podcast category at the fifty six annual NAACP Image Awards,

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Speaker 1: but we cannot win without your support. Please take a

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Speaker 1: second to go to vote dot Naacpimage Awards dot net

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Speaker 1: and vote for Therapy for Black Girls. We've had a

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Speaker 1: beautiful month of January jumpstart episodes. We chatted with you

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Speaker 1: a little Achille about building community.

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Speaker 2: I know you probably see this also the community cultivate,

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Speaker 2: like you know, everybody, I don't want nobody in my business.

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Speaker 2: Everybody gotta be in all your business. But sometimes in

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Speaker 2: this culture of instagram perfectionism, we're trying to always project

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Speaker 2: this image that it's not real. We're trying to like

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Speaker 2: hide behind an image, and if that image becomes a

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Speaker 2: prison where we cannot connect authentic level people we care about.

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Speaker 2: We're so afraid black people seeing our blemishes and our

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Speaker 2: flaws or the reality is those things make us beautiful.

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Speaker 2: But in order for people to really care for us,

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Speaker 2: we felt lean into the fear of being cared for

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Speaker 2: and the fear of being seen, which a lot of

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Speaker 2: us have. Right, we got the nice pictures up, but

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Speaker 2: who am I.

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Speaker 1: Really with Attorney Amy Griffin about cementing our legacy through

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Speaker 1: estate planning?

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Speaker 3: What I think about is state planning is pulling in

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Speaker 3: your life insurance, your philanthropic work, and all that kind

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Speaker 3: of stuff to decide what is the legacy that you

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Speaker 3: want to leave. Because if you have a great life

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Speaker 3: insurance policy and leave it to someone who doesn't unter

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Speaker 3: manage money, or someone who has sevens abuse issues, or

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Speaker 3: no matter what it is if there is a structure

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Speaker 3: and support to create multi generational wealth. It's just often

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Speaker 3: sometimes it's not just the best blessing, it's a detriment.

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Speaker 3: I tell people all the time, I'm a professional pessimist

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Speaker 3: because I've seen what can go wrong. We've seen those

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Speaker 3: lottery wedding shows where those people at the end of

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Speaker 3: the show they have nothing or what we know is

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Speaker 3: and inheritance is a lot like a lottery way. If

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Speaker 3: you don't have a structure and a plan and support

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Speaker 3: system in place, or the right people with the right

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Speaker 3: knowledge base and place, what's going to happen? It'll just

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Speaker 3: be honest.

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Speaker 1: Well, what better way to close out the series than

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Speaker 1: by hearing directly from you, our community. Today We're diving

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Speaker 1: into two thoughtful questions, and I'm here to share some

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Speaker 1: insights that just might connect with many of you. The

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Speaker 1: first question is about cleanliness. What happens when you didn't

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Speaker 1: grow up in a tidy household and now feel shame

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Speaker 1: around organizing and keeping your space clean. The second is

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Speaker 1: about leveling up. How do you manage the frustration of

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Speaker 1: wanting to grow each year but feeling like you're falling short.

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Speaker 1: Great questions, right If something resonates with you, we love

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Speaker 1: to hear it. Please share your feedback with us on

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Speaker 1: social media using the hashtag TVG and session and let's

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Speaker 1: get into it. So here's our first question. Like I mentioned,

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Speaker 1: it's about cleanliness.

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Speaker 4: Hi, doctor Joy, I'm really curious about how young people,

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Speaker 4: especially people who grew up maybe in a household they

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Speaker 4: didn't feel was very clean, could maybe learn how to

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Speaker 4: be more organized or clean in the new year. I

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Speaker 4: know I've been working really hard on this and I've

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Speaker 4: experienced a lot of shame around not feeling like I

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Speaker 4: am where I'm supposed to be. But I do think

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Speaker 4: that this is probably a more common issue than we think.

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Speaker 4: So maybe talking about how to stop the shame feeling

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Speaker 4: around this, and then also any tips for developing systems

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Speaker 4: that you know, taking the baby steps to be more

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Speaker 4: of an organized or clean home in the future.

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Speaker 1: So when I hear this question, my immediate thought and

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Speaker 1: something that I really want you to hold on to,

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Speaker 1: is that shame is not at all a helpful motive.

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Speaker 1: So shame does a really good job of making us

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Speaker 1: feel lousy about ourselves, but it doesn't actually cause us

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Speaker 1: to really get up and move right, Like it is

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Speaker 1: not actually helpful in us changing our behavior. So any

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Speaker 1: shame that you are feeling related to this or anybody

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Speaker 1: else holding onto shame related to something, it does us

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Speaker 1: a great job of making you feel lousy, not so

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Speaker 1: good about actually making you change anything. The second thing

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Speaker 1: that I want to say is that there is no

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Speaker 1: shame in you not knowing a skill that nobody taught you.

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Speaker 1: And so we are all allowed to be bad at

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Speaker 1: things that we are beginning to do, and it is

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Speaker 1: okay to find the resources and get the help that

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Speaker 1: you need to learn this new skill. So when you

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Speaker 1: feel this shame coming up for yourself, I want you

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Speaker 1: to just notice that it's there, right, just like any

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Speaker 1: other emotion. When you feel the shame, just notice like hmm,

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Speaker 1: there's that thing again. But work really hard not to

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Speaker 1: judge it, because that is where the spot happens. Right

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Speaker 1: Like now I feel bad about myself. Now, I don't

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Speaker 1: want to do anything, and so try really hard to

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Speaker 1: just notice the shame without making any judgments about it.

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Speaker 1: So now for some like practical steps about getting started

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Speaker 1: with cleaning. So if you have the budget for it,

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Speaker 1: I think it could be great to work with a

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Speaker 1: professional organizer who could maybe help you to get your

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Speaker 1: space straight and then maybe it's something that is easier

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Speaker 1: for you to maintain. Something else that you may want

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Speaker 1: to explore is actually hiring someone to clean the house

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Speaker 1: for you and then paying attention and like making notes

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Speaker 1: of what they're actually doing so that you can then

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Speaker 1: learn how to clean on your own. I think that

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Speaker 1: those could both be great strategies if you have the

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Speaker 1: budget for it. Something else that could be a great

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Speaker 1: idea is to look at social media resources. So I

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Speaker 1: often see what's called clean talk, so lots of people

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Speaker 1: sharing videos and tips about how to get started with

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Speaker 1: cleaning your house. Now, do make sure that you find

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Speaker 1: videos that are for beginners, right, Like a lot of

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Speaker 1: what I see is like an advance level kind of thing.

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Speaker 1: But you can find some videos that are likely beginner friendly,

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Speaker 1: and if not on social media, definitely on YouTube. If

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Speaker 1: you just search how to get started with house cleaning

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Speaker 1: or house cleaning one oh one, I am sure that

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Speaker 1: it will pull up some very helpful resources for you.

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Speaker 1: Something else that we have practiced in the Sister Circle

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Speaker 1: that may be a good idea for you too is

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Speaker 1: to have an accountability buddy. So sometimes we will get

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Speaker 1: on Zoom for an hour and everybody is cleaning like

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Speaker 1: their own individual spaces, And so just this idea of

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Speaker 1: kind of coworking can sometimes be good to just kind

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Speaker 1: of have a little bit of company while everybody's doing

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Speaker 1: their own individual things. So if you have a friend

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Speaker 1: who will get on Zoom for you and get on

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Speaker 1: FaceTime with you and just both of you clean at

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Speaker 1: the same time, that could also be a great way

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Speaker 1: to just incentivize cleaning for you. But again, I just

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Speaker 1: really want you to hold on to the idea that

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Speaker 1: there is no shame in not knowing some skill. It

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Speaker 1: is a skill just like anything else that you can

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Speaker 1: get better at. But I think the first step is

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Speaker 1: you recognizing that this is something that you want to

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Speaker 1: do a better job of, and then going and finding

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Speaker 1: the resources to get better. I hope that helps. Thank

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Speaker 1: you for your question. More from our conversation after the break.

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Speaker 1: We're so honored to be nominated for the Outstanding Lifestyle

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Speaker 1: and Self Help Podcast category at the fifty six annual

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Speaker 1: NAACP Image Awards, but we cannot win without your support.

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Speaker 1: Please take a second to go to vote dot NAACP

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Speaker 1: Image Awards dot net and vote for therapy for Black girls.

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Speaker 5: Hey, doctor Joy, I've just had a question about with

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Speaker 5: each new year, you know, there's always this idea of

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Speaker 5: trying to level up or trying to better yourself and improve,

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Speaker 5: and everyone always goes in with the best, well intentioned,

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Speaker 5: But what happens or what should you do if you're

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Speaker 5: not leveling up? E cheer if you feel like you're

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Speaker 5: continually missing the mark or having years where things don't

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Speaker 5: go as planned. You know they always say that we

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Speaker 5: make plans and God laughs, but what do you do

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Speaker 5: if that keeps happening for you year over year over year? Thanks?

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Speaker 1: Okay, So our second question, as you heard, is all

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Speaker 1: about leveling up. So my fighty senses immediately went off

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Speaker 1: when I hear this idea of leveling up, and I

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Speaker 1: keep missing the mark because my first question is who

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Speaker 1: decided what the level up looks like? Right? Like? What

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Speaker 1: measuring stick are you actually using to identify whether success

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Speaker 1: is happening? And so a lot of times I think

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Speaker 1: this level up that many of us may be working

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Speaker 1: for or thinking about doesn't happen because we are one

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Speaker 1: using unrealistic standards, or we are trying to achieve a

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Speaker 1: goal that isn't really in alignment with who we are,

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Speaker 1: and we are just trying to go after what we

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Speaker 1: think we should have at a certain stage, or what

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Speaker 1: we see other people have, and so we kind of

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Speaker 1: throw ourselves into a tizzy thinking like I got to

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Speaker 1: go after this thing. But then it's really hard to

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Speaker 1: keep up any momentum or really see any success because

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Speaker 1: it may not actually be anything that we are super

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Speaker 1: excited about anyway, or it could be something that is

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Speaker 1: just super unrealistic. So first, I want you to do

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Speaker 1: some assessment about whether this is actually a goal you

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Speaker 1: were interested in, something that feels in alignment with like

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Speaker 1: who you are and your values, and decide, Okay, is

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Speaker 1: this something that I really want to do? And if

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Speaker 1: that's the case, then I want you to make sure

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Speaker 1: that you are setting actionable steps to achieve the goal, right,

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Speaker 1: because goals are not really effective if you don't break

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Speaker 1: them down into small steps. So let's say you decided

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Speaker 1: that she wanted to go back to school to get

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Speaker 1: a master's degree. Well, you're not just going to show

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Speaker 1: up for class on Monday without doing anything else, right, Like,

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Speaker 1: there's a whole process involved. You have to study for

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Speaker 1: an interest exam, you have to complete the application, you

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Speaker 1: have to do an interview, Like there are all these

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Speaker 1: steps that go into this larger goal, but a lot

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Speaker 1: of times we are just starting at the end of

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Speaker 1: the process as opposed to breaking it down into actionable steps.

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Speaker 1: So once you've identified that whatever this level of whatever

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Speaker 1: this goal is for yourself, I want you to make

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Speaker 1: sure that you're breaking it down into smaller steps. Next,

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Speaker 1: I want you to see what additional resources you might

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Speaker 1: need to actually level up. So when I hear you

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Speaker 1: say that I'm missing the mark, it makes me think like, hmm,

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Speaker 1: is there some additional resource that she needs? Is there

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Speaker 1: some kind of mentorship that she needs? Like what is

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Speaker 1: the misstep there? Again, after you've decided that it is

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Speaker 1: an alignment, may be the missing piece, and so maybe

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Speaker 1: there is a resource that you need. Maybe there is

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Speaker 1: some additional help that you either have not identified yet

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Speaker 1: or you've been afraid to ask for, right, because a

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Speaker 1: lot of times we think, oh, I'm very capable, I

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Speaker 1: should just know to do this, right, I should just

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Speaker 1: know how to do this. When you may know how

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Speaker 1: to do it, but there are likely other people who

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Speaker 1: are steps ahead of you, who may be a great

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Speaker 1: resource for you, but you just haven't taken the opportunity

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Speaker 1: to ask. So that's the next thing that I would wonder,

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Speaker 1: is there a resource or somebody or something that could

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Speaker 1: help you in making this level of happen for yourself. Also,

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Speaker 1: I want to say, I don't want you to lose

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Speaker 1: what the past five years have been like for so

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Speaker 1: many of us. Right, so we think about the backdrop

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Speaker 1: of the past five years in terms of the pandemic

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Speaker 1: and politics and just so many world tragedies, it can

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Speaker 1: be really hard to feel excited about goals or to

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Speaker 1: you know, think about, okay, this next level up when

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Speaker 1: really just existing it feels like it's a miracle these days.

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Speaker 1: And so I do want to make sure that you

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Speaker 1: are showing yourself the appropriate level of grace and compassion

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Speaker 1: because the past couple of years have been really, really hard,

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Speaker 1: and so if that has been the case for you,

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Speaker 1: then that may be why this level up is feeling

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Speaker 1: more difficult, because you're actually working against so many more

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Speaker 1: stressors and so many more barriers that maybe you wouldn't

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Speaker 1: have had if it weren't the past five years. That's

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Speaker 1: something else I want you to keep in mind as well.

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Speaker 1: If you want to send us another message and give

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Speaker 1: us more information where details about what you are thinking

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Speaker 1: this level up can look like, and there's some things

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Speaker 1: that we can help or maybe we open it up

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Speaker 1: to the wider community about ideas that they can share

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Speaker 1: to help you with the level of We definitely would

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Speaker 1: love to do that, so send us another message if

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Speaker 1: you'd like. But I do hope that this gives you

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Speaker 1: some place to start so that you can figure out

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Speaker 1: what the level up looks like for you if it

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Speaker 1: is in alignment. But thank you so much for your question,

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Speaker 1: and do take good care well. I love hearing from

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Speaker 1: you all. I love being able to give you some

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Speaker 1: feedback that may help you to re examine a question

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Speaker 1: that you have or to think about something in a

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Speaker 1: way that may be different than you thought. So if

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Speaker 1: you love this episode and you want to hear your

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Speaker 1: question perhaps answered on a future episode of the podcast,

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Speaker 1: do drop us a line so you can send us

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Speaker 1: a voice note at Memo dot fm slash therapy for

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Speaker 1: Black Girls. Again, that is mimo emo dot fm slash

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls. We'll include that in the show

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Speaker 1: notes as well. Leave us a message asking a question

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Speaker 1: and you just might hear it answered here on the podcast.

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Speaker 1: If you love this and you want to share this

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Speaker 1: with your circle, don't forget to text this and send

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Speaker 1: it to two of your girls right now so that

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Speaker 1: they also can check it out. And if you're looking

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Speaker 1: for a therapist in your area, if a part of

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Speaker 1: your twenty twenty five plans include working with a therapist,

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Speaker 1: then do check out our therapist directory at Therapy for

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Speaker 1: Blackgirls dot com slash directory. This episode was produced by

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Speaker 1: Alice Ellis and Tyree Rush and editing was done by

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Speaker 1: Dennis and Bradford. Thank y'all so much for joining me,

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Speaker 1: and we will see you again next Wednesday for our

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Speaker 1: next episode. Take good care,