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Speaker 1: What we're running from, first and foremost is we're running

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Speaker 1: from trauma. Even the subtle moments in time someone tells

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Speaker 1: you you're stupid, or you were in the best of

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Speaker 1: environments growing up but you were fat shamed by a friend.

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Speaker 1: Those tiny moments that are seemingly insignificant dictate the rest

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Speaker 1: of our lives. Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose,

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Speaker 1: the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to

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Speaker 1: each and every single one of you who come back

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Speaker 1: every week to listen, learn, and grow. And I am

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Speaker 1: so excited to be talking to you today. I can't

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Speaker 1: believe it. My new book Eight Rules of Love is

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Speaker 1: out and I cannot wait to share it with you.

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Speaker 1: I am so so excited for you to read this book,

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Speaker 1: for you to listen to this book. I read the audiobook.

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Speaker 1: If you haven't got it already, make sure you go

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Speaker 1: to eight Rules of Love dot com. It's dedicated to

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Speaker 1: anyone who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love.

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Speaker 1: So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up,

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Speaker 1: or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book.

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Speaker 1: And I'd love to invite you to come and see

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Speaker 1: me for my global tour. Love Rules go to Jay

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Speaker 1: shelleytour dot com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences,

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Speaker 1: and more. I can't wait to see you this year. Now,

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Speaker 1: today we have on a guest who has already been

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Speaker 1: on before, and we don't do that very often, but

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Speaker 1: I have to do it for this special guest, a

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Speaker 1: dear friend, an incredible author, number one New York Times bestseller,

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Speaker 1: multiple international best selling books, the one and only Gabby Bernstein. Gabby,

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Speaker 1: thank you so much for coming back to on Purpose.

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Speaker 1: We've loved each other from the moment we first met,

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Speaker 1: and that was six years ago now, I believe it

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Speaker 1: or not. And we've talked about this multiple times about

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Speaker 1: how we just instantly connected and we found a way

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Speaker 1: to stay connected, with me moving from New York to

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Speaker 1: LA through to not being able to see each other.

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Speaker 1: We just said I hadn't seen you for three years.

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Speaker 1: But you wrote this incredible book called Happy Days, The

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Speaker 1: Guided Path from Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner Piece,

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Speaker 1: And I want everyone who's listening right now to go

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Speaker 1: and order your copy because you're going to love this

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Speaker 1: conversation and you're going to want the book even more,

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Speaker 1: so go and grab your copy right now. But Gabby

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Speaker 1: you wrote this book at a tough time, you know,

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Speaker 1: at a really tough time in the world, and I

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Speaker 1: wanted to kind of take a step back because when

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Speaker 1: we're doing this work that we do, and you've served

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Speaker 1: millions of people for years now that you've been doing

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Speaker 1: this like this has really been a labor of love

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Speaker 1: for you. You've brought joy to so many people over

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Speaker 1: over a decade. And my question is what is happiness? Like,

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Speaker 1: let's really talk about what is happiness? Because we keep

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Speaker 1: chasing these words. People are chasing mindfulness or happiness or

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Speaker 1: joy or success. But it's like, when you've bought about

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Speaker 1: happiness from all your learnings, all your wisdom, all of

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Speaker 1: your journey, what is happiness? My answer today is quite

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Speaker 1: different than it would have been six years ago when

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Speaker 1: we first did our first interview. The differences is a

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Speaker 1: greater understanding of what happiness is not. I had to

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Speaker 1: really go to that place to come through and be

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Speaker 1: on the other side of what it truly is, and

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Speaker 1: I began to really deepen my awareness and understanding of

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Speaker 1: what takes us out of that presence of joy and

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Speaker 1: as Peter Levine, the founder of Somatic Experiencing, he says,

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Speaker 1: that trauma is the inability to be present, and trauma

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Speaker 1: is often the root cause of most of our unhappiness,

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Speaker 1: whether it's big T trauma or small T trauma big

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Speaker 1: tea like living through a catastrophic event or having kind

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Speaker 1: of violence in the household, or small T trauma being

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Speaker 1: told you're not good enough for being bullied. But we

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Speaker 1: all have it in some way, and when we have it,

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Speaker 1: it's not resolved. We build up all of these defense

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Speaker 1: mechanisms against it, and that creates the inability to be

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Speaker 1: present and to really experience life with all of its

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Speaker 1: moment to moment richness and right here, right now, looking

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Speaker 1: at you and really taking you in and really just

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Speaker 1: feeling into the thrill of what it's like to be

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Speaker 1: back in the same room with a very dear friend

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Speaker 1: and somebody I love. And even when I came in

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Speaker 1: and I hugged you, you know, six years ago, I

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Speaker 1: would have been like hey, Jay, and like very like

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Speaker 1: not in my body and not in the present moment

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Speaker 1: with you, because I was still stuck in that truncated trauma.

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Speaker 1: And so coming through the other side of that, what

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Speaker 1: happiness means to me now is the ability to be

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Speaker 1: fully present and I'm not using that language as like

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Speaker 1: some woo woo, but to be fully present in the

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Speaker 1: moment with whatever is going on right here now, and

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Speaker 1: that is how I'm living today, and it's epic. It's wonderful,

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Speaker 1: like the fact that I could be in the uber

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Speaker 1: on my way here, having a really awesome conversation with

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Speaker 1: the woman driving me and getting to know a new person,

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Speaker 1: and then walking in a room and just being able

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Speaker 1: to hug my friend and feel that. That was a

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Speaker 1: really long answer, but it's important to really recognize that

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Speaker 1: I did not know what true happiness was until nine

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Speaker 1: books later, you know, sixteen years as a spiritual teacher,

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Speaker 1: and I knew what it was for myself along the way.

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Speaker 1: But now I really feel like I've gotten to a

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Speaker 1: place where it truly has transcended sort of these obvious descriptions.

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Speaker 1: I really like that definition, and I really liked that

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Speaker 1: approach because I think that presence is so overtalked about

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Speaker 1: but undervalued and underapplied. We hear about it lot, as

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Speaker 1: you said, but we don't really know how to live

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Speaker 1: it because presence to us often actually means judgment, or

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Speaker 1: presence means I'm present right now, but now I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: critique that or I'm going to see that. Tell us

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Speaker 1: how you think about presence differently, because often people say, well,

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Speaker 1: when I'm present, I just spot everything that's going wrong

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Speaker 1: right now, or when I'm present, I just start highlighting

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Speaker 1: things that I don't like or do like for that matter.

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Speaker 1: So how do you see presence as being beyond judgment

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Speaker 1: and criticism and observation. That's an interesting outlook on it.

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Speaker 1: So the concept of be present, it's just thrown around,

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Speaker 1: and it's this concept of just sort of you know,

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Speaker 1: when you meditate and you quiet your mind, your yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.

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Speaker 1: But really, what I believe is when you go on

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Speaker 1: the journey of undoing the storylines of your past and

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Speaker 1: to at such a point and level that they no

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Speaker 1: longer have a hold on your nervous system, and you

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Speaker 1: begin to reorganize your reactivity and your relationship to yourself

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Speaker 1: and how you respond to the world, then you start

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Speaker 1: to establish what is known in sc somatic experiencing as

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Speaker 1: a felt sense. It's a felt sense of and what

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Speaker 1: that means is I can stand outside my house in

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Speaker 1: the country right now and this season change and smell spring.

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Speaker 1: I can look in my son's eyes and feel the

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Speaker 1: most insane rush of oxytocin moved through my heart when

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Speaker 1: he just looks me in the eye. And that's actually

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Speaker 1: not the human experience. Typically. Typically we are moving so fast,

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Speaker 1: so dissociated from, so checked out from we are, we

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Speaker 1: have disembodied. We're walking around like, you know, without our

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Speaker 1: heads on. And I could only say this because I've

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Speaker 1: lived like that for many, many years and had to

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Speaker 1: work really hard with my meditation and with my spiritual

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Speaker 1: bactors to keep coming back to groundedness. And so there's

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Speaker 1: a lot of that, yo, yo, of like I'm out,

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Speaker 1: I'm in, I'm out, I'm in. But what if you

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Speaker 1: could live life just fully in the presence of where

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Speaker 1: you are in every given moment and truly taking it

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Speaker 1: all in. And that was always sort of like, oh,

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Speaker 1: that would be So you know, that's where we're going.

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Speaker 1: That's what we're talking about in my spiritual books. But

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Speaker 1: I know that now, and I know that you, as

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Speaker 1: my friend who's known me for six years, I'm sure

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Speaker 1: you can feel that in being with me in this

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Speaker 1: room right now versus six years ago. And so I've

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Speaker 1: and I've had that experience even through writing this book,

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Speaker 1: my ninth book. That presence came through the is infused

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Speaker 1: in every imprint, and so I didn't think this was

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Speaker 1: where we were going. But it's actually it truly is

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Speaker 1: what happiness is to me. It's it's being in the

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Speaker 1: experience of things and actually being able to experience life. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I love what you said to me. It really felt

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Speaker 1: that example of you looking into your son's eyes when

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Speaker 1: you said that, I think what I love about that

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Speaker 1: experience is that it's so immersive. And then you said

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Speaker 1: to take it all in, And I feel like that's

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Speaker 1: really what presence is, is the ability to take it

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Speaker 1: all in through all your senses, right that we don't

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Speaker 1: even use. I often when I'm teaching meditation and we're

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Speaker 1: activating people's senses, we start recognizing how we over rely

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Speaker 1: on our eyes. The only sense we actually observed through

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Speaker 1: is our eyes and maybe then our ears, but our nose.

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Speaker 1: Our sense of touch is fairly unconscious, right, We're not

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Speaker 1: always aware of temperatures, textures, sense and things like that,

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Speaker 1: which I find is we're not taking it all in.

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Speaker 1: One of the things you just reminded me of is

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Speaker 1: I read a study recently that was talking about the

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Speaker 1: awe effect, and it was saying that we're happier and

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Speaker 1: we have more pro social behavior when we experience awe.

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Speaker 1: That's right. And when you spoke about your son's eyes,

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Speaker 1: I was thinking about the idea of or. So always

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Speaker 1: generally nature, beautiful landscapes, views, but someone's eyes could be or.

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Speaker 1: And it was saying that the reason why we love

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Speaker 1: or is because we simultaneously feel tiny but a part

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Speaker 1: of something bigger, beautiful, So you feel a sense of

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Speaker 1: insignificance but connectedness at the same time. And I think

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Speaker 1: that's what presence is to me. I love that. And

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Speaker 1: I think that someone listening right now might be like,

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Speaker 1: what are they talking about? How could I you know?

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Speaker 1: Because the truth is I probably I get that, I

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Speaker 1: understand that. You know, what does that even mean to

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Speaker 1: be present? What does it even mean to be in

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Speaker 1: our Because we live in such a protector mode, we

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Speaker 1: have this huge build up, almost like a wall built

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Speaker 1: up against the presence of that energy, of that are

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Speaker 1: And from a spiritual perspective, it's almost like we have

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Speaker 1: to dismantle of these bricks on this wall to just

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Speaker 1: reconnect to and return to that presence within ourselves. And truly,

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Speaker 1: even in the midst of this experience of not being

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Speaker 1: connected to that awe and that presence for many, many years,

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Speaker 1: I was still able to touch into it. It was

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Speaker 1: I was on a path and a journey towards it.

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Speaker 1: And I think that that actually really benefited my readers,

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Speaker 1: and it benefited the journey that I was on because

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Speaker 1: that's where many people were with me. And so this

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Speaker 1: stage of my life, forty two years young and with

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Speaker 1: much sixteen years of being in this field, I have

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Speaker 1: this experience right now of having kind of up leveled

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Speaker 1: my well being. And that's actually what my hope is

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Speaker 1: for my reader right now. If you open this book

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Speaker 1: right or if you are even listening to us right now,

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Speaker 1: have this conversation, you've unconsciously or consciously raised your head

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Speaker 1: and said, yeah, I'm ready to up level. And the

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Speaker 1: gift of having this globalis that we've all just lived through.

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Speaker 1: Is it so so many of us just started to

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Speaker 1: crack open to the reality that we couldn't just pretend anymore.

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Speaker 1: And this is the journey of kind of unearthing why

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Speaker 1: we have been running and how we've been running and

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Speaker 1: how to stop. Yeah, what are some of the ways

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Speaker 1: you think we're not even away. You have a chapter

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Speaker 1: in the book called you Know, like Why We run Away,

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Speaker 1: and it's like, what are some of those hidden ways

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Speaker 1: of running away that you think stay with us? Because

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Speaker 1: I almost feel like there's the obvious ways we know

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Speaker 1: we run away, then there's the middle, like in between

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Speaker 1: hidden ones where we kind of convince ourselves that we're

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Speaker 1: not running away, and then finally we raised our hands

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Speaker 1: as you said, and say I'm ready to level up. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: what are some of those hidden, confusing places where we're

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Speaker 1: running away or excuses that happen that block us. I'm

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Speaker 1: going to come out straight with it. Jay, What we're

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Speaker 1: running from, first and foremost is we're running from trauma period,

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Speaker 1: end of story. And that word has such a loaded

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Speaker 1: stigma around it, and I'm just wanting to bust through

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Speaker 1: that now because we are all traumatized. You can't be

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Speaker 1: alive in this world right now, at this time, or

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Speaker 1: even decades ago without experiencing trauma in some form. And

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Speaker 1: like I said, some of us may have been brought

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Speaker 1: up with totally secure attachment, so much resilience, so much

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Speaker 1: grace in our life, and we've experienced trauma, but maybe

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Speaker 1: you're able to move through it with more ease because

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Speaker 1: you had that safe, secure experience. But it doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: that it's you're unscathed. It doesn't mean that you have missed,

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Speaker 1: you know, the life's lessons. Because even the subtle moments

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Speaker 1: in time someone tells you you're stupid you're six years old, right,

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Speaker 1: or you were in the best of environments growing up

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Speaker 1: but you were fat shamed by a friend. Those tiny

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Speaker 1: moments that are seemingly insignificant dictate the rest of our lives.

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Speaker 1: And so that's what we're running from. The bigger T

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Speaker 1: the trauma, as you mentioned, you know, well, actually we

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Speaker 1: haven't gotten there yet, but I reveal a really big

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Speaker 1: T trauma that I had remembered in when I was

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Speaker 1: thirty six years old. The bigger the teeth, the trauma,

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Speaker 1: child abuse or living with an alcoholic parent, whatever it

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Speaker 1: might be. But regardless of how big or small the

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Speaker 1: tea is, there is something that needs to be undone

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Speaker 1: because ultimately that's what we're running from. And how are

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Speaker 1: we running. We're running with drugs, we're running with alcohol,

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Speaker 1: we're running with food, we're running with judgment, we're running

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Speaker 1: with work, we're running with rage, we're running with control,

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Speaker 1: and these all the list that I just identified or

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Speaker 1: protector parts of us. So let me just simplify it

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Speaker 1: even more. I am now trained in internal family systems therapy,

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Speaker 1: and the simplification of this is that we have these

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Speaker 1: moments in time where we disembody, we've been experienced some

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Speaker 1: kind of trauma, We check out, and then we say, oh,

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Speaker 1: I never want to feel that shame. I never want

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Speaker 1: to feel that terror again. We just lock it up

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Speaker 1: and those are called exiled parts of us, they're often

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Speaker 1: young parts, and then we build up all these ways

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Speaker 1: of protecting ourselves. And that's the control, that's the drugs,

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Speaker 1: that's the addiction, that's the workaholism, whatever it might be,

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Speaker 1: to protect ourselves from ever experiencing that pain again. We

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Speaker 1: all have exiles and we all have protectors, and this

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Speaker 1: journey that we need to go on is to really

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Speaker 1: relax those protector parts so that they can remember that

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Speaker 1: there is a source of love and an internal parent

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Speaker 1: within us that can take care of us. It's incredible,

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Speaker 1: isn't it that. Well you're saying, are these protector parts

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Speaker 1: are actually causing us more pain? Yeah? So we think

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Speaker 1: we're protecting ourselves by running away. So we have this

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Speaker 1: protector part, but that protection is not protection. It's actually

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Speaker 1: deepening the wound. That's correct. But it looks and fields

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Speaker 1: and sounds like protection. I mean, so we can do

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Speaker 1: a lot of people lately who are saying to me, Jay,

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Speaker 1: I am too sensitive and empathetic towards this world, and

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Speaker 1: I don't feel like I belong here. Yeah, right, Like

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Speaker 1: there's this feeling of like I just want a world

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Speaker 1: full of love and kindness, and I don't feel like

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Speaker 1: I belong here. Yeah, it can feel scary to look

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Speaker 1: at the trauma, right, It's scary, like there's a big

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Speaker 1: fear around, whether it's a small tea trauma or a

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Speaker 1: big tea trauma. As you said, it can be really tough.

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Speaker 1: And you said after doing so much of this work

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Speaker 1: thirty six six years ago, was when you were able

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Speaker 1: to look at it. What do you think blocked you

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Speaker 1: up until that point from looking at it even though

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Speaker 1: you were doing so much work, Or how did your

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Speaker 1: work that you were doing actually open that up as well? Both? Yeah, well, dissociation.

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Speaker 1: So similar to what your friends are saying, it's like

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Speaker 1: it's too scary to live in this world, and so

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Speaker 1: you know what, often one of the great protector parts

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Speaker 1: is to dissociate, to check out, to even meditate above right,

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Speaker 1: to just try to in some way numb that out.

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Speaker 1: And for me, I at thirty six, in a dream,

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Speaker 1: remembered sexual abuse from my childhood, and I had such

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Speaker 1: a huge aha moment when that dream surfaced, because this

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Speaker 1: is why I was a cocaine addict, this is why

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Speaker 1: I was an alcoholic, this is why I was a workaholic,

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Speaker 1: this is why I was controlling the shit out of

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Speaker 1: everything in my life. So there was relief in knowing, Okay,

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Speaker 1: this is what I've been running from, and it was

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Speaker 1: so extreme in my case that my brain literally just

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Speaker 1: you know, it's a beautiful brain response to say, oh,

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Speaker 1: this is so overwhelming to the system that it's going

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Speaker 1: to be totally checked out and dissociated from. But even

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Speaker 1: if you dissociate from a memory, it still shows up

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Speaker 1: in your body. It still shows up in your gas

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Speaker 1: strown testinal issues, It shows up in your sleep, it

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Speaker 1: shows up in your relationships, it shows up in your addiction.

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Speaker 1: It shows up everywhere. Because you may not have the

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Speaker 1: actual claiming of the memory, but the memory is still

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Speaker 1: in your nervous system. I remembered at thirty six because

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Speaker 1: by that stage I'd already written about I'd been eleven

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Speaker 1: years sober, I'd probably written in books. You know, I'd

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Speaker 1: been really on this very big quest to my own

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Speaker 1: spiritual awakening, and all the work that I had done,

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Speaker 1: everything i'd written about got me to the place where

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Speaker 1: I was safe enough to remember, you know, everything's in

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Speaker 1: the perfect order. There's no accident. I'd done a tremendous

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Speaker 1: amount of spiritual work, a tremendous amount of therapeutic work.

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Speaker 1: I got to a place in my life. Also, this

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Speaker 1: is important to recognize where there was a lot of

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Speaker 1: new things happening around me. So control was one of

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Speaker 1: the ways that I kept that exiled story at Bay.

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Speaker 1: But a lot of things in my life at that

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Speaker 1: time were falling out of control. So I was My

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Speaker 1: husband was leaving his job at JP Morgan to come

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Speaker 1: run our business. We were talking about family planning. We

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Speaker 1: had just gotten married. So these big life moments are

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Speaker 1: often when people do remember traumas, or if it's a

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Speaker 1: trauma that you're aware of, it can really get activated

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Speaker 1: and come to the surface. So just something for the

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Speaker 1: listener to consider and it was so horrific, can so

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Speaker 1: scary to remember that. But the journey that I've underwent

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Speaker 1: since that time is what allows me to put my

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Speaker 1: face on this book cover and have it say the

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Speaker 1: Guided Path from Trauma to profound freedom and inner peace

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Speaker 1: and mean every freaking word of that, and to be

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Speaker 1: able to stand behind that with full integrity, authenticity and power,

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Speaker 1: to be able to say you know what to all

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Speaker 1: these people are so traumatized, everyone so traumatized, and I

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Speaker 1: can say, go do this, And it's a gift to

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Speaker 1: be able to live to tell. Yeah. Absolutely, I really

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Speaker 1: appreciate what you said about being safe enough. Yeah, because

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Speaker 1: I think that when you start this work, it's not

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Speaker 1: that all of it happens at the same level, and

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Speaker 1: it's not that the work looks the same every year.

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Speaker 1: And so when you start doing personal growth, self development,

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Speaker 1: spiritual work, whatever it may be, it's going to look

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Speaker 1: different every single year. New things are going to be

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Speaker 1: unlocked and opened and unearthed. And so I think people

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Speaker 1: can feel comfortable that if they're on the journey, there

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Speaker 1: will be a point at which it's safe enough, in

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Speaker 1: your words, to feel that you can be revealed to that,

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Speaker 1: and I wanted to say something here because I love

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Speaker 1: this dedication. And when you said that about getting married

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Speaker 1: and trauma, you actually dedicate this book to your husband.

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Speaker 1: For my husband, Zach, thank you for loving all of

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Speaker 1: my parts and helping me feel safer than I ever

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Speaker 1: thought possible, which I thought was beautiful. Yeah, you're reading

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Speaker 1: that is like really emotional for me because you know

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Speaker 1: it was a trauma for him to be married to me.

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Speaker 1: And you know, Jay, I opened this book by saying

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Speaker 1: that my publishers came to me and I sent them

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Speaker 1: the manuscript. And these are publishers I worked with for

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Speaker 1: so many years and I'd written books and they would

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Speaker 1: just accept the manuscript. The universe has your back ready,

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Speaker 1: ready to print, you know, super attractor, ready to print.

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Speaker 1: And I send them this manuscript and they write back

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Speaker 1: like we need to talk, and they get on the

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Speaker 1: phone with them and they're like, we're really nervous for you, Gabby,

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Speaker 1: because you're revealing so much and it's one negative story

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Speaker 1: after the next, and we don't think that you're showing

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Speaker 1: your true strength. And my response was my ability to

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Speaker 1: be this vulnerable is my true strength. But it wasn't

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Speaker 1: just them. It was Zach Like, when my husband read

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Speaker 1: this book, he edits my books before they go to

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Speaker 1: the publisher. I have an editor, then it goes to Zach,

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Speaker 1: and then it goes to the publisher. And when he

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Speaker 1: read this, it was really triggering for him, super activating,

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Speaker 1: and there was moments when he would say to me,

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Speaker 1: I didn't even know this was going on. And it's

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Speaker 1: so emotional for me because when you're living in that

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Speaker 1: kind of recovery, in that crisis, there's so much shame

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Speaker 1: wrapped up in it, and especially when you're the self

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Speaker 1: help book author, you know that the shame is so

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Speaker 1: extreme that you feel so alone in the journey. And

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Speaker 1: I just have such a deep gratitude for my husband

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Speaker 1: for holding me in that. I have gratitude for the

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Speaker 1: whole team of therapists that helped me in that, but

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Speaker 1: but particularly for my spiritual connection, because without that I

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Speaker 1: would have been really alone. Yeah, And so that's really

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Speaker 1: what I want this book to do for people, is

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Speaker 1: to help them know they're not alone in this journey,

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Speaker 1: and that we all have a lot that we can

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Speaker 1: look at and gently and slowly and safely begin to

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Speaker 1: peel back the layers or take the bricks off the wall.

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Speaker 1: And uh yeah, but just just hearing you read that

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Speaker 1: acknowledgement out loud and that that that dedication out loud

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Speaker 1: is just it just says a lot about what it

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Speaker 1: means to hold another person in their trauma. The reason

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Speaker 1: why it touched me is because again, I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of listeners, a lot of comments that I see,

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Speaker 1: a lot of story tags that I see, and people

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Speaker 1: that I speak to my personal life. Trauma can break partnerships, yeah,

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Speaker 1: oh yeah, massively. Oh yeah, and we see either people

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Speaker 1: struggling in shared trauma, struggling with the individual trauma being

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Speaker 1: passed over to each other, wounds being shared. Explain to

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Speaker 1: us how someone can hold space for someone during their

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Speaker 1: trauma journey and work and as they're on this path.

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Speaker 1: And actually, more importantly, because you do tell us the

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Speaker 1: guided path from trauma to profound freedom, how do you

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Speaker 1: help someone help you? Yeah? I'm really interested in that, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: because because I find that so often we expect someone

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Speaker 1: else to help us, But how do you help your

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Speaker 1: partner help you rather than expecting them to be a therapist,

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Speaker 1: which is really unrealistic, totally unrealistic. Well, there's a lot

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Speaker 1: of answers to that question. So the best way you

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Speaker 1: can help them help you is to just tell the

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Speaker 1: truth to the best of your ability, so even if

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Speaker 1: it's the trauma that you're facing. Actually, on my podcast,

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Speaker 1: I Workshop People and I dear gavied someone yesterday and

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Speaker 1: she was talking about how this book is bringing up

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Speaker 1: a lot for her and she's starting to face into

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Speaker 1: it and her part just doesn't understand. And I said

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Speaker 1: to her, listen, yeah, And I said, listen, you may

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Speaker 1: not feel safe enough yet to let him in on

430
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:12,199
Speaker 1: your full journey or even what you're facing into, but

431
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,879
Speaker 1: it would be extremely valuable for you to go to

432
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:17,600
Speaker 1: him and say, Hey, a lot of stuff is coming

433
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:20,679
Speaker 1: up for me right now. It's old stuff from my childhood,

434
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,560
Speaker 1: and it's really scary for me. And I'm reading this

435
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:26,280
Speaker 1: book and I want to assure you I'm doing this

436
00:24:26,359 --> 00:24:29,399
Speaker 1: really beautiful work on this and I'm committed to maybe

437
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:33,280
Speaker 1: seeking out therapy and going deeper, and my intention is

438
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:35,760
Speaker 1: to really create a safe environment for myself and for

439
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,800
Speaker 1: a relationship. But that's the truth of where I'm at

440
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,399
Speaker 1: right now, and that may be the only truth that

441
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:44,399
Speaker 1: you can tell, because it's just too much shame wrapped

442
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:48,439
Speaker 1: up and telling exactly what's up. That comment, that truth,

443
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:52,840
Speaker 1: that extension of vulnerability, even in that slight way, is

444
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:56,479
Speaker 1: extremely soothing to the other partner, because if you just

445
00:24:56,600 --> 00:25:00,679
Speaker 1: leave them completely in the dark and they don't understand

446
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,960
Speaker 1: why you are so reactive, they don't understand why you

447
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,760
Speaker 1: might pick up the drink. They can't understand why, and

448
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:10,040
Speaker 1: so giving them a little look behind the why is

449
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:13,320
Speaker 1: a very valuable thing. Another thing I recommended to her

450
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:16,879
Speaker 1: was to have him read the book because any you know,

451
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:20,399
Speaker 1: when you've got unresolved trauma, big TI or small T,

452
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:24,560
Speaker 1: the patterns are just textbook Jay, you know what I mean, Like,

453
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,920
Speaker 1: if you were to look at all of my symptoms,

454
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,960
Speaker 1: you'd be like, check check check check check check check.

455
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:32,800
Speaker 1: I now, having done my research and having studied this

456
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:36,440
Speaker 1: and having lived it, I can spot it in humans everywhere.

457
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:38,800
Speaker 1: I'm like, big T trauma, SMALLT trauma, big T, big

458
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,840
Speaker 1: big thing. You know, I can see it. Like I

459
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,439
Speaker 1: kept asking Zach at times to read this one book

460
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:46,600
Speaker 1: that was about women who had lived through childhood abuse,

461
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:48,480
Speaker 1: and it was a little bit too much for him.

462
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:50,639
Speaker 1: But handing him a book like this, or handing a

463
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:54,119
Speaker 1: partner a book like Happy Days, allows the partner to

464
00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:57,400
Speaker 1: be like, oh wow, this whole story sounds just like

465
00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:00,680
Speaker 1: my partner, or oh yeah, my partner does that too,

466
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:03,880
Speaker 1: and it gives you an insight of like one the

467
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:07,560
Speaker 1: opportunity for the traumatized person to say, look, I'm not alone,

468
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,440
Speaker 1: and then for the partner to recognize, oh, this is

469
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,440
Speaker 1: a real thing. I think those are great answers. I

470
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,480
Speaker 1: love both of those. I would highly recommend everyone who's

471
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,960
Speaker 1: listening and watching, if you're reading Happy Days right now,

472
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:21,399
Speaker 1: make sure you share even paragraphs of it. You may

473
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:23,720
Speaker 1: take a picture and send it to your partner or

474
00:26:24,119 --> 00:26:26,720
Speaker 1: to a friend. And of course, if you're not reading it,

475
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,040
Speaker 1: make sure you grab a copy of the book as

476
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:31,359
Speaker 1: you're listening right now, because I do believe that what

477
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:37,200
Speaker 1: Gabby's saying is so deeply true that if we have

478
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:40,160
Speaker 1: not healed our traumas, we're going to carry them with

479
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:45,240
Speaker 1: us into every workplace, relationship scenario. And it just gets

480
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:49,000
Speaker 1: harder because that trauma gets tied up in more people's trauma,

481
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,520
Speaker 1: and then you can't even tell the difference between yours,

482
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:56,040
Speaker 1: someone else's, and collective. And so I feel like the

483
00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:58,920
Speaker 1: earlier we can do this work, the healthier it can

484
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,800
Speaker 1: be for us. And I love what you just said

485
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:05,520
Speaker 1: about the idea of informing someone, hey, this is what

486
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:08,800
Speaker 1: I'm going through. This is why this week I might

487
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:12,960
Speaker 1: be really irritable and why I'm really struggling this week,

488
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,359
Speaker 1: I'm going to need your support. And I think I

489
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,920
Speaker 1: do this with rather often, even about small things where

490
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:20,360
Speaker 1: I'm like, of course, really big thing on Thursday, I'm

491
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,680
Speaker 1: really nervous about it. Like just know that this week

492
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,639
Speaker 1: every gap I get, I'm going to be super silent

493
00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:27,880
Speaker 1: because I'm going to be preparing my energy for this thing.

494
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,159
Speaker 1: That's a small thing of just something coming up instantly.

495
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:35,040
Speaker 1: But what about when you're doing something internal? So I

496
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:37,639
Speaker 1: love those and I would encourage people to even if

497
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,000
Speaker 1: someone can't read a book, that you send them screenshots

498
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,399
Speaker 1: and pictures and it's going to get them moving. And

499
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:44,920
Speaker 1: this book does a great job at breaking those areas down.

500
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:47,640
Speaker 1: I like that idea too, of being like, hey, read

501
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:50,520
Speaker 1: this page, or listen to this one section of the

502
00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:54,080
Speaker 1: audiobook because or just listen to the conversation between Gabby

503
00:27:54,119 --> 00:27:56,520
Speaker 1: and Jay, because what it does is it just gives

504
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:59,760
Speaker 1: a little insight, and then that also helps you as

505
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:02,040
Speaker 1: the reader as the as the person on the journey

506
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:04,840
Speaker 1: to take away the shame. There's a chapter in the

507
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:08,960
Speaker 1: book actually that's called Speaking the Unspeakable, and it's all

508
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,479
Speaker 1: about shame. And you know, here I was, Jay, I

509
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:14,120
Speaker 1: was thirty six. I was just facing into this. I'm

510
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:18,560
Speaker 1: at a retreat, leading the freaking retreat with two other women,

511
00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:22,680
Speaker 1: and it's a retreat on you know, women facing their

512
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:27,640
Speaker 1: trauma and transcending their past. And I'm about six months

513
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:30,879
Speaker 1: into my own recovery. So I had no business teaching

514
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:33,679
Speaker 1: at that time. But I didn't realize that that's actually,

515
00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:36,080
Speaker 1: you know, part of some of the vulnerable things I

516
00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:37,760
Speaker 1: shared in this book that my publishers were like, do

517
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:39,920
Speaker 1: you really want to say that? Yes, I have to

518
00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:42,560
Speaker 1: say at all. So here I was, and I'm teaching

519
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,000
Speaker 1: that I'm leading this retreat, and so in the other

520
00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:48,600
Speaker 1: teachers session, I'm sitting in the room doing the workshop

521
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:53,120
Speaker 1: with them, and the workshops all about shame. I'm okay,

522
00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:54,600
Speaker 1: I like, you know, all partner up with somebody, and

523
00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:57,640
Speaker 1: I'm just like called space for them, right, And here

524
00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:00,840
Speaker 1: I am in this dialogue about shame. And I realized,

525
00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:04,120
Speaker 1: at thirty six years old, seven self help books, eleven

526
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,560
Speaker 1: years of sobriety, you know, deck, you know, over a

527
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:10,560
Speaker 1: decade of work on stage speaking about spirituality. And I

528
00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:14,480
Speaker 1: sit there and I'm like, oh my god, shame. I

529
00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:17,880
Speaker 1: didn't realize I had it. Wow, it's so buried. It's

530
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:22,640
Speaker 1: the most impermissible emotion that it's it is the exiled part.

531
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,000
Speaker 1: It was so so unsafe. I mean, I was like,

532
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:27,160
Speaker 1: of course I'm lovable, of course I'm adequate. I don't

533
00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:31,000
Speaker 1: have shame, you know, we all do. But it was

534
00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:34,080
Speaker 1: so buried, so deep that facing into that, you know,

535
00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:36,800
Speaker 1: is a very gentle process, and so one of so

536
00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:41,000
Speaker 1: another intention here in this conversation, in this just speaking

537
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,840
Speaker 1: of trauma, just giving voice to trauma, is to just

538
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:47,080
Speaker 1: end the stigma and shift the shame, because that shame

539
00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:49,600
Speaker 1: is why we don't open up to our partners. That

540
00:29:49,760 --> 00:29:52,920
Speaker 1: shame is why we don't even open a book like this. Yeah,

541
00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:54,360
Speaker 1: and that's and that's actually what I was going to

542
00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:56,800
Speaker 1: say that I think one of the biggest things I

543
00:29:56,920 --> 00:30:00,880
Speaker 1: hear is, oh, no, I have no true Like, no,

544
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:02,840
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't have any shame Like no, no, No,

545
00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:06,200
Speaker 1: I'm you know, and I've I've even led people I've

546
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:11,040
Speaker 1: worked with through inner child meditations and you know work,

547
00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:15,479
Speaker 1: and they don't allow themselves to go there. Oh yeah.

548
00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:17,680
Speaker 1: And one of the biggest things I also find is

549
00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:19,720
Speaker 1: people don't want to go there because they're scared they'll

550
00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:23,280
Speaker 1: get stuck there. Totally, totally right. And so tell us

551
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:27,520
Speaker 1: a bit about that path of opening up something but

552
00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:30,320
Speaker 1: not getting stuck there. What is the difference between someone

553
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:32,800
Speaker 1: who opens up a book like this. Obviously you've given

554
00:30:32,840 --> 00:30:35,200
Speaker 1: the whole path and it's in here, but I mean,

555
00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:37,840
Speaker 1: like that difference between someone who opens up a part

556
00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:41,440
Speaker 1: of themselves then just feels like their whole life is collapsing,

557
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:43,880
Speaker 1: versus someone who opens it, has the courage to look

558
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:45,880
Speaker 1: at it, but then is able to pass through. What

559
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 1: have you noticed of the difference you have to titrate

560
00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,800
Speaker 1: in and out. It's not you cannot when you're dealing

561
00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 1: with big wounds, big tier SMALLTI. I'm going to keep

562
00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:57,400
Speaker 1: going back to that because some people listen, they're like, oh,

563
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:59,400
Speaker 1: you know, nothing's ever happened to me. And if I

564
00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:01,320
Speaker 1: were sitting with you right now, I can find thirty

565
00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:03,160
Speaker 1: things that are that you're running from, you know, or

566
00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:05,880
Speaker 1: one major thing you're running from so wherever you are

567
00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:10,480
Speaker 1: on the spectrum, the first thing to really identify is

568
00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:12,560
Speaker 1: that you can't just rip the band aid off right away,

569
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:14,760
Speaker 1: and you have to go slow. And there are plenty

570
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:17,160
Speaker 1: of people that I have right now that in my world,

571
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:20,160
Speaker 1: girlfriend and dressed recovering from postpartum depression. I'm like, do

572
00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:22,240
Speaker 1: not read the book right now, you know, put it

573
00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:24,840
Speaker 1: on the shelf and wait. If someone's opening the book

574
00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:27,440
Speaker 1: and its super activating to them, the answer could be,

575
00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:29,239
Speaker 1: you know, go back into your therapy and then use

576
00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:31,880
Speaker 1: the book when you feel safer. Don't put yourself in

577
00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:34,320
Speaker 1: a position where you're going to blow out your system

578
00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:40,280
Speaker 1: with too much digging too fast. Now, with that said,

579
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:45,920
Speaker 1: inside this book, I hold you by the hand and

580
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:50,080
Speaker 1: I walk you so slowly through these steps over and

581
00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:52,160
Speaker 1: over again. I say, if this is too much for you,

582
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:54,840
Speaker 1: please skip ahead, read the next chapter. Go back to

583
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:57,080
Speaker 1: chapter three, the body based work. There's a whole chapter

584
00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:00,800
Speaker 1: on how to settle your nervous system through body base practices,

585
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:05,800
Speaker 1: and that in itself can just be so soothing to

586
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:08,040
Speaker 1: someone as they start to open up to the possibility

587
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:10,120
Speaker 1: that there's something that they need to face and so

588
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:15,600
Speaker 1: through breathwork, through physical somatic work, through body talk, and

589
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:17,840
Speaker 1: just even getting in touch with what's going on in

590
00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:20,640
Speaker 1: your body. There's so much relief, and so it's just

591
00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:22,520
Speaker 1: a very slow process. I don't think people can just

592
00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:25,560
Speaker 1: rip the band aid off at once. It's it's not possible. Yeah,

593
00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:27,200
Speaker 1: I'm glad you said that, because I think a lot

594
00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,680
Speaker 1: of people think they have to or they think that

595
00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:31,200
Speaker 1: that's the only way. And I was actually gonna talk

596
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:34,120
Speaker 1: about that. I love this section on hiding behind the Body,

597
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:36,320
Speaker 1: and there's a beautiful quote here that you have that

598
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:39,440
Speaker 1: says I came to accept that I didn't have a

599
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:44,120
Speaker 1: gut problem, I still had a subconscious emotional problem. Yeah.

600
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:47,280
Speaker 1: And this whole chapter for everyone who's reading along or

601
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:48,880
Speaker 1: or is going to get the book is quote a

602
00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:53,200
Speaker 1: hiding behind the body. And that to me was huge

603
00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:57,160
Speaker 1: because I think today we're all trying to be healthier,

604
00:32:57,200 --> 00:32:59,520
Speaker 1: hopefully everyone who's listening to this podcast at least I know,

605
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:03,200
Speaker 1: is people are changing their diet, they're changing their sleep routine,

606
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:06,400
Speaker 1: they're changing the vitamins they take and the supplements they take.

607
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:11,840
Speaker 1: But then they're still wondering why things aren't getting worked out.

608
00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:13,080
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of people who are listening

609
00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:16,360
Speaker 1: can relate to that, and then you start to recognize

610
00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:19,960
Speaker 1: that the body is just a window into what's actually

611
00:33:20,200 --> 00:33:23,760
Speaker 1: sitting behind there. What have you found because you've been

612
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:27,160
Speaker 1: researching this, studying this, you give a guided path. What

613
00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:31,120
Speaker 1: were other useful resources? Yeah, on that journey that you

614
00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:33,400
Speaker 1: kind of recommend to people in the book to say, hey,

615
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,160
Speaker 1: check this person out, or think about this idea or

616
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:40,680
Speaker 1: area of your work. In that chapter, I really referenced

617
00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:44,720
Speaker 1: the work of doctor John Sarno, who wrote Healing Back Pain.

618
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:47,840
Speaker 1: He wrote The Mind Body Prescription, and all of his

619
00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:51,600
Speaker 1: work was really based on the premise that our physical

620
00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:55,480
Speaker 1: conditions are psychosomatic. And by no means in book, in

621
00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:57,920
Speaker 1: my work, or in his work, was there any reference

622
00:33:57,960 --> 00:34:00,360
Speaker 1: of don't get that medication or don't go on that

623
00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:04,400
Speaker 1: therapeutic path physically, whatever it might be, but to really

624
00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:08,520
Speaker 1: look closely at what are the belief systems and the

625
00:34:08,640 --> 00:34:14,920
Speaker 1: impermissible feelings that are not being met behind the physical sensations.

626
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:17,799
Speaker 1: So for me, in the book, I reference how I

627
00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:22,839
Speaker 1: had decades of gastro intestinal issues, and what I recognized

628
00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:25,040
Speaker 1: through my healing journey is that I didn't have gastro

629
00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:29,080
Speaker 1: intestinal issues. I had unresolved trauma, I had impermissible rage,

630
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:33,720
Speaker 1: I'd impermissible terror, I'd impermissible shame. And as I began

631
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:38,440
Speaker 1: to become safer in my nervous system, safer in my mind, safer,

632
00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:44,600
Speaker 1: you know, reprocessing memories, I have zero gastro intestinal issues.

633
00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:48,000
Speaker 1: I didn't have to change, you know, I did for decades,

634
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:50,480
Speaker 1: you know, Cebo diets and this thing, and I had,

635
00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:53,200
Speaker 1: you know, this supplement and all of that is necessary

636
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:56,560
Speaker 1: when you're having acute problems. You need medication, you need vitamins,

637
00:34:56,560 --> 00:34:59,359
Speaker 1: you need diets to just get back to baseline and

638
00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:03,959
Speaker 1: for sure, but all of it goes away so many

639
00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:05,600
Speaker 1: of our So people are like, well, how do I

640
00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:07,120
Speaker 1: know if I have trauma? And I'm like, well, do

641
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:09,480
Speaker 1: you have a sleep disorder? Do you have gastro issues?

642
00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:12,400
Speaker 1: Do you have TMJ? Do you have so go to

643
00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:14,719
Speaker 1: the body first. Do you have acne? You know? And

644
00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:16,560
Speaker 1: then it goes even deeper. Do you have panic attacks?

645
00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:18,879
Speaker 1: Do you have depression? Do you But the bottom line

646
00:35:18,920 --> 00:35:21,680
Speaker 1: is is that our body is a first responder, and

647
00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:25,239
Speaker 1: our body is such a beautiful way to reveal to

648
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:28,400
Speaker 1: us what is what is needing to be healed? And

649
00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:31,480
Speaker 1: in fact, we talked about protector parts. The physical body

650
00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:34,400
Speaker 1: actually is a form of protection. Right, So we send

651
00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:38,440
Speaker 1: from the Sarno perspective, we have a nervous system response.

652
00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:41,920
Speaker 1: Because our traumas are triggered, our body gets tense. We

653
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:45,160
Speaker 1: go into that fight flight response. So that tension shows

654
00:35:45,239 --> 00:35:47,440
Speaker 1: up in the stomach, that tension shows up in the migraine.

655
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:50,920
Speaker 1: That tension starts to you know, block oxygen from flowing

656
00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 1: to these areas. From a gas strown testinal perspective, it

657
00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:58,800
Speaker 1: stops the GI track from actually you know, moving moving

658
00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:02,680
Speaker 1: our bowel movement. And then what happens. Bacteria builds up

659
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:04,840
Speaker 1: and then you actually do have a real diagnosis of

660
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:08,880
Speaker 1: CBO or IBS or whatever. Well, if you actually relax

661
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:12,640
Speaker 1: your nervous system, your whole system can start to move.

662
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:16,640
Speaker 1: You can have that perfect digestion begin to set up

663
00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:18,960
Speaker 1: because you're relaxed, and in that relaxed state, your body

664
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:21,920
Speaker 1: can heal. And so we have to really look at

665
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:25,560
Speaker 1: the psychosomatic effect of our physical the physical conditions from

666
00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:29,759
Speaker 1: a psychosomatic perspective, that already relaxes my nervous system, going

667
00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:31,960
Speaker 1: like oh wow, like that's where it is like because

668
00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:33,400
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people right now are just

669
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:36,080
Speaker 1: we're tinkering with so many parts of our life, and

670
00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:37,799
Speaker 1: then we're wondering, why do I still not feel doing

671
00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:40,680
Speaker 1: oh yeah, right, like I'm doing everything right. And I've

672
00:36:40,719 --> 00:36:42,799
Speaker 1: I've been in that position myself where I'm like, I'm

673
00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:46,000
Speaker 1: doing everything right, why am I still not feeling good?

674
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:51,840
Speaker 1: And sometimes it is biological if you're psychologically done some

675
00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:53,720
Speaker 1: of the work, and then it's the other way around

676
00:36:53,719 --> 00:36:57,320
Speaker 1: as well. What were you surprised by when you started

677
00:36:57,320 --> 00:36:59,960
Speaker 1: doing this work. What was one of the big surprises

678
00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:01,919
Speaker 1: that came along as you started to do the work

679
00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:05,120
Speaker 1: on yourself that you actually thought, Wow, I didn't expect this,

680
00:37:05,160 --> 00:37:07,120
Speaker 1: Like I didn't think this was going to happen. Well,

681
00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:09,200
Speaker 1: I was surprised by the shame. I was like, wow,

682
00:37:09,239 --> 00:37:12,640
Speaker 1: I have shame that right? That was so strange, Right,

683
00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:15,000
Speaker 1: I'm like this spiritual teacher. I didn't even recognize my shame.

684
00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:17,920
Speaker 1: I was a shameful I mean, the shame when you

685
00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:21,319
Speaker 1: experience sexual abuse in any form, whether you're particularly as

686
00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:24,480
Speaker 1: a child. This shame is it's my fault. The shame

687
00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:28,680
Speaker 1: is I'm wrong, And you know, underneath all of this

688
00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:32,320
Speaker 1: is the belief that we're inadequate and unlovable. My therapist

689
00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:34,440
Speaker 1: taught me that and I remember her saying that, and

690
00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:36,920
Speaker 1: at the time, I'm like, I'm very adequate and lovable,

691
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:38,520
Speaker 1: Like what the hell are you talking about? You know,

692
00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:43,040
Speaker 1: decade later, Wow, that is absolutely a core belief that

693
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:46,440
Speaker 1: I carried for so long. And another big thing I

694
00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:51,080
Speaker 1: realized was how my spiritual practice actually really saved me

695
00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:53,759
Speaker 1: and was the through line of all of the guidance

696
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:56,279
Speaker 1: of the work that I was led to. And I

697
00:37:56,440 --> 00:38:00,360
Speaker 1: in the book reference very spiritual therapeutic practices for trauma.

698
00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:03,960
Speaker 1: So I reference EMDR, which is I movement to sensitization

699
00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:08,400
Speaker 1: and reprocessing. It's bilateral brain stimulation that allows you to

700
00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:13,120
Speaker 1: reprocess memories. I reference se Somatic Experiencing, which is a

701
00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:15,799
Speaker 1: body based trauma therapy IFS, which I went as far

702
00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:18,360
Speaker 1: as to get trained in. And IFS is all about

703
00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:22,280
Speaker 1: the caring for your inner child parts. And these specific

704
00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:25,960
Speaker 1: therapies are all very spiritual in the clinical space. They

705
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:27,520
Speaker 1: may not be referenced in that way, but I can

706
00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:29,879
Speaker 1: say that right and I can be the spiritual voice

707
00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:33,160
Speaker 1: for them. And I believe it's spirit that my spirit

708
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:37,880
Speaker 1: guides that my connection to God very very very clearly

709
00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:42,040
Speaker 1: laid out this path for me and not just for

710
00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:44,399
Speaker 1: me to live it, but also for me to share it.

711
00:38:44,600 --> 00:38:47,560
Speaker 1: And then I would say one of the biggest surprises though,

712
00:38:48,360 --> 00:38:51,719
Speaker 1: was when I would meet these different therapeutic practices. Each

713
00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:55,400
Speaker 1: time I was blown away, I was like, Oh my God,

714
00:38:55,640 --> 00:38:58,600
Speaker 1: what you know? I was carrying that Oh my god,

715
00:38:58,719 --> 00:39:01,919
Speaker 1: next level that is so present in my body, Oh

716
00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:05,200
Speaker 1: my God, you know, and just witnessing and witnessing. And

717
00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:08,719
Speaker 1: I think that the big one of the biggest surprises also, Jay,

718
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:11,239
Speaker 1: is that when you live with trauma, you think that's

719
00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:14,520
Speaker 1: who you are. You just think I am a workaholic,

720
00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:17,200
Speaker 1: I am a control freak, and you don't know that

721
00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:20,960
Speaker 1: there's a way out. And I am so proud. The

722
00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:23,840
Speaker 1: greatest gift I'll give this world is my bravery to

723
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:25,520
Speaker 1: go to the places that scared me and come out

724
00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:27,439
Speaker 1: the other side so that I can live to tell

725
00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:32,360
Speaker 1: that this works, that you can survive trauma and that

726
00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:35,960
Speaker 1: you can thrive. I feel it the confidence in this space,

727
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:39,840
Speaker 1: and I also just appreciate how you were able to

728
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:46,720
Speaker 1: push back your control parameters and protectors, because, like you said,

729
00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:48,480
Speaker 1: you've been doing this work for a long time. You've

730
00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:52,760
Speaker 1: been teaching this work, you're helping people, you're changing people's lives,

731
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:57,280
Speaker 1: and then going, well, actually there's another layer. What layer

732
00:39:57,960 --> 00:40:01,560
Speaker 1: of love was work in the trauma? Like when you said,

733
00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:06,240
Speaker 1: we have that deep held belief if I'm unlovable and

734
00:40:07,400 --> 00:40:10,960
Speaker 1: I'm inadequate, inadequate, how do you fall in love with

735
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:13,919
Speaker 1: yourself again when you realize that's at the root of it,

736
00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:16,120
Speaker 1: because really you're not trying to fall in love with

737
00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:19,040
Speaker 1: yourself before. You're trying to protect and fix. And then

738
00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:22,600
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, now you sing at this stage, yeah,

739
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:25,200
Speaker 1: you return to yeah, exactly. Well, I'm going to answer

740
00:40:25,239 --> 00:40:27,960
Speaker 1: that from an IFS perspective. When I when I use

741
00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:32,040
Speaker 1: the acronym IFS, it's internal family systems therapy, and it's

742
00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:35,000
Speaker 1: not actually about your family, your outside family, about your

743
00:40:35,000 --> 00:40:37,759
Speaker 1: inner family. So you've got your exiled parts of you,

744
00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:40,279
Speaker 1: and you've got your protector parts of you, and then

745
00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:43,719
Speaker 1: we all have self, your language. You might call it

746
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:46,279
Speaker 1: higher self or God or the universe. And I did

747
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:49,840
Speaker 1: that as well for many years inner guidance and self

748
00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:53,759
Speaker 1: is self with a capital S. And what self is

749
00:40:54,360 --> 00:41:00,400
Speaker 1: the internal parent, it's the undamaged, resourced part of who

750
00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:03,080
Speaker 1: we are. It's the man that I'm sitting with here

751
00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:05,480
Speaker 1: right now. You show up to your podcast in self,

752
00:41:05,760 --> 00:41:08,160
Speaker 1: and that's actually why it's so resonant with people because

753
00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:10,520
Speaker 1: they feel that there's no ego attached to it. There's

754
00:41:10,560 --> 00:41:13,759
Speaker 1: no You're not showing up with like a presence of

755
00:41:13,880 --> 00:41:16,200
Speaker 1: neediness or anything. You're showing up. This is me, this

756
00:41:16,239 --> 00:41:17,800
Speaker 1: is what I'm here to do. I'm on my mission.

757
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:21,680
Speaker 1: But when your wife triggers you, your protector parts might

758
00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:24,040
Speaker 1: show up and you might start to get into an

759
00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:27,160
Speaker 1: extreme pattern. And that's for all of us. So we

760
00:41:27,239 --> 00:41:31,520
Speaker 1: all have access to this undamaged resource part of who

761
00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:40,120
Speaker 1: we are self qualities or courage, compassion, calmness, creativity, curiosity, connectedness,

762
00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:43,520
Speaker 1: And when we are in that presence of self, like

763
00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:47,239
Speaker 1: you and I are here right now, anything's possible. I

764
00:41:47,239 --> 00:41:50,319
Speaker 1: could say to you right now, something really difficult for

765
00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:52,879
Speaker 1: you to hear, but you would hear it with love

766
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:57,960
Speaker 1: because I'm grounded in that self energy. And so the

767
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:02,160
Speaker 1: main way to fall back in love with yourself is

768
00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:08,080
Speaker 1: to let self become the leader of your inner system.

769
00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:11,480
Speaker 1: So it's not like we want to control or push

770
00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:15,120
Speaker 1: down or manage these protector parts of ourselves. There's no

771
00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:17,759
Speaker 1: bad parts. We just want to help them be less

772
00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:21,759
Speaker 1: extreme and how we want to let them know that

773
00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:24,399
Speaker 1: there's an internal parent. Let me give you a really

774
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:30,799
Speaker 1: clear example. Okay, so I let's say something triggered me

775
00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:34,120
Speaker 1: last week. I was like in a conversation with some

776
00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:35,560
Speaker 1: friends and I was like, oh my god, they don't

777
00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:38,680
Speaker 1: like me, like an old exiled part was there. And

778
00:42:38,719 --> 00:42:40,880
Speaker 1: when the exiled part comes up, you don't want to

779
00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:44,000
Speaker 1: feel it, right, So then one of my protectors tries

780
00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:46,080
Speaker 1: to numb it out. And the protector is the judger

781
00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:48,600
Speaker 1: in that case, like, well they're wrong, right, And I

782
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:50,160
Speaker 1: go into like all the reasons they're wrong because I

783
00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:51,960
Speaker 1: don't want to feel that shame. And then I'm like, well,

784
00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:54,640
Speaker 1: oh my god, no I'm wrong because you know, so

785
00:42:54,680 --> 00:42:57,120
Speaker 1: we attack others, we attack ourselves, and so those are

786
00:42:57,160 --> 00:43:00,000
Speaker 1: protector parts and the judge somebody has to be wrong, right.

787
00:43:00,239 --> 00:43:02,320
Speaker 1: So the judger was there to protect me from feeling

788
00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:06,120
Speaker 1: that impermissible feeling. And then because I have this great

789
00:43:06,239 --> 00:43:09,920
Speaker 1: through line to self, I was able to notice, Okay,

790
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:13,319
Speaker 1: I notice there's a protector up. Okay, notice where do

791
00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:16,359
Speaker 1: I feel that in my body. Notice is it? Does

792
00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:17,880
Speaker 1: it have a color? Does it have a shape? Is

793
00:43:17,920 --> 00:43:20,160
Speaker 1: there is there something that it wants to say to me?

794
00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:23,160
Speaker 1: What do I know about it? Okay, I know it's young.

795
00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:26,080
Speaker 1: I know it's a young girl who you know, doesn't

796
00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:29,600
Speaker 1: feel like she is understood in high school right And

797
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:31,839
Speaker 1: I know that she's just wanting to blame others because

798
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:34,759
Speaker 1: because she's so scared, and what does she need right now?

799
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:40,160
Speaker 1: She needs a hug, she needs to breathe, and I

800
00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:42,839
Speaker 1: can let her actually speak to me and I can

801
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:47,120
Speaker 1: listen to that part, and then I can give her

802
00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:50,960
Speaker 1: what she needs. And so it's literally a practice of

803
00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:57,400
Speaker 1: becoming your own internal parent, creating the secure attachment that

804
00:43:57,480 --> 00:44:01,920
Speaker 1: we did not get from our parents ourselves. And there's

805
00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:05,640
Speaker 1: no greater form of self love than letting self with

806
00:44:05,680 --> 00:44:09,640
Speaker 1: a capitalis lead your entire system. And you have to

807
00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:12,759
Speaker 1: see the thing here at Jay's. I didn't shame that part.

808
00:44:12,800 --> 00:44:15,400
Speaker 1: I wasn't like, oh that judger is there, or that

809
00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:18,319
Speaker 1: young child parts showing up like you're a loser. I

810
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:22,440
Speaker 1: actually really got curious about it. I was compassionate toward it.

811
00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:26,480
Speaker 1: I brought a calm energy to it. And so the

812
00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:30,440
Speaker 1: goal here really is to begin to soften and relax

813
00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:34,040
Speaker 1: the protectors because frankly, Jay, you know the protectors are

814
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:37,239
Speaker 1: not bad, right, Like the controller wrote nine books in

815
00:44:37,280 --> 00:44:39,960
Speaker 1: eleven years. You know she did a job, so, but

816
00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:42,279
Speaker 1: we just want her to be less extreme, yes, and

817
00:44:42,320 --> 00:44:44,560
Speaker 1: so she can keep producing and keep creating, but not

818
00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:46,840
Speaker 1: in that extreme way. It's a lot of density. In

819
00:44:46,960 --> 00:44:49,040
Speaker 1: chapter seven of the book, I go deep into ifs,

820
00:44:49,480 --> 00:44:52,040
Speaker 1: but I want to just reiterate for the listener, notice

821
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:55,399
Speaker 1: no need. Note in the moment when you can, if

822
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:58,400
Speaker 1: you have enough awareness to notice that you're triggered, notice

823
00:44:58,400 --> 00:45:01,120
Speaker 1: it in your body. Does it feel like is their color?

824
00:45:01,200 --> 00:45:03,160
Speaker 1: Is there a shape? What do you know about it?

825
00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:05,960
Speaker 1: And then what does it need? And give yourself a

826
00:45:06,000 --> 00:45:07,960
Speaker 1: moment to try that out. Even though there's so much

827
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:10,480
Speaker 1: depth to it, I felt that was very clear because

828
00:45:11,080 --> 00:45:15,000
Speaker 1: I think that's what we're ultimately avoiding, is accepting that

829
00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:17,960
Speaker 1: we have an inner child need. That's right, right, It's like,

830
00:45:18,080 --> 00:45:20,520
Speaker 1: that's ultimately what we're running away from is that we

831
00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:23,840
Speaker 1: do have a gap internally and it isn't going to

832
00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:27,360
Speaker 1: be solved through something in the external world. It's not

833
00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:29,799
Speaker 1: going to be solved through someone saying something to us

834
00:45:30,239 --> 00:45:33,560
Speaker 1: in a nice way, or someone changing right, well, right,

835
00:45:33,560 --> 00:45:36,520
Speaker 1: like it's yeah, like my husband changing his tone is

836
00:45:36,600 --> 00:45:40,399
Speaker 1: never going to heal my wounds. Right, It may make

837
00:45:40,440 --> 00:45:43,800
Speaker 1: a create a world where I'm less activated less frequently,

838
00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:49,120
Speaker 1: but like someone else's behavior cannot change your reactivity, and

839
00:45:49,120 --> 00:45:51,040
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean the other person shouldn't show up as well.

840
00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:53,719
Speaker 1: But like you have to be your internal parent, your

841
00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:56,239
Speaker 1: partner can't be your parent. Frankly, in any ways, your

842
00:45:56,280 --> 00:45:58,960
Speaker 1: parent can't parent you back to that you know you,

843
00:45:59,360 --> 00:46:01,440
Speaker 1: especially if a you know, forty two years old or

844
00:46:01,480 --> 00:46:04,719
Speaker 1: whatever it is, as a little child, the expectation is

845
00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:08,360
Speaker 1: you'll have that, but most don't. That's so powerful because

846
00:46:08,440 --> 00:46:11,080
Speaker 1: I think most of us what we're yearning for is

847
00:46:11,120 --> 00:46:15,600
Speaker 1: to live in a less deactivated state. So ideally what

848
00:46:15,640 --> 00:46:18,720
Speaker 1: we want is if everyone was just nicer and kinder,

849
00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:22,480
Speaker 1: then things would just feel better, right, But the reality

850
00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:25,560
Speaker 1: is that not everyone's just going to be nicer and kinder.

851
00:46:26,560 --> 00:46:28,800
Speaker 1: And if we can be in the environment, that's beautiful.

852
00:46:28,840 --> 00:46:31,880
Speaker 1: It's a great environment to grow in. But what you

853
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:34,440
Speaker 1: just said was so brilliant. You were like, you know,

854
00:46:34,480 --> 00:46:37,240
Speaker 1: if my husband changing his tone is not going to

855
00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:40,920
Speaker 1: solve the wound. And I think that that's why the

856
00:46:40,920 --> 00:46:44,560
Speaker 1: path that you just laid out is fantastic, because we're

857
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:48,200
Speaker 1: constantly checking in with everyone else's needs. We're trying to

858
00:46:48,239 --> 00:46:51,719
Speaker 1: be pleasing to other people's needs. I don't know the

859
00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:54,400
Speaker 1: last time most people if we're honest with ourselves, and

860
00:46:54,440 --> 00:46:57,040
Speaker 1: I want everyone who's listening to truly be honest with yourself.

861
00:46:57,560 --> 00:47:00,320
Speaker 1: When was the last time you checked in with yourself?

862
00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:03,080
Speaker 1: And not just yourself? You're in a child self, the

863
00:47:03,160 --> 00:47:07,040
Speaker 1: youngest self is Gabby was saying and said, what do

864
00:47:07,080 --> 00:47:10,080
Speaker 1: you need? I just I mean even me, I'm listening,

865
00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:12,760
Speaker 1: I'm going remember the last time I did that for myself.

866
00:47:12,800 --> 00:47:15,879
Speaker 1: And the distinction here too is that you're asking the

867
00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:19,040
Speaker 1: protector part what it is because the exiled parts are

868
00:47:19,160 --> 00:47:22,120
Speaker 1: really locked up Jay, like they're locked in a basement,

869
00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:25,359
Speaker 1: and to start to touch into the exiles, I would

870
00:47:25,360 --> 00:47:29,080
Speaker 1: recommend doing that with IFS therapy. Like with an IFS therapist,

871
00:47:29,239 --> 00:47:31,200
Speaker 1: you can learn more about it. I do an interview

872
00:47:31,200 --> 00:47:33,279
Speaker 1: with Dick Schwartz on my podcast, and then obviously in

873
00:47:33,280 --> 00:47:36,600
Speaker 1: this chapter there's a whole dialogue about IFS and we

874
00:47:36,640 --> 00:47:39,120
Speaker 1: can get some resources links as well. In the show notes,

875
00:47:39,320 --> 00:47:44,520
Speaker 1: but more importantly that you would go through that deeper

876
00:47:44,640 --> 00:47:49,120
Speaker 1: exiled child part journey with a trained therapist, particularly in

877
00:47:49,160 --> 00:47:52,359
Speaker 1: this system, but that you right now, right here can

878
00:47:52,360 --> 00:47:55,799
Speaker 1: start to just be a parent to those protector parts.

879
00:47:55,840 --> 00:47:59,839
Speaker 1: And that's the first step, because the protectors are really

880
00:47:59,840 --> 00:48:02,799
Speaker 1: the ones that you can see the child activated, but

881
00:48:02,800 --> 00:48:05,520
Speaker 1: the protector switched right in. The protectors like oh I'm

882
00:48:05,520 --> 00:48:07,719
Speaker 1: gonna lock that door, like there's a little activation, No

883
00:48:07,840 --> 00:48:10,799
Speaker 1: thank you. I'm gonna put that fire out by picking

884
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:12,560
Speaker 1: up a drink. I'm going to put that fire out

885
00:48:12,600 --> 00:48:15,040
Speaker 1: by raging, you know. And so you want to work

886
00:48:15,040 --> 00:48:16,840
Speaker 1: with the alcoholic, you want to work with the rager.

887
00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:20,160
Speaker 1: And then where you softened your relationship to those protector parts,

888
00:48:20,280 --> 00:48:22,600
Speaker 1: the closer you can get to the exile, Yeah, because

889
00:48:22,600 --> 00:48:24,960
Speaker 1: the protectors are their first responders, like, no way, you're

890
00:48:25,000 --> 00:48:26,960
Speaker 1: not going to get behind that door, and so you

891
00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:29,239
Speaker 1: have to start to soften those relationships. That's good. That's

892
00:48:29,239 --> 00:48:32,080
Speaker 1: a good distinction for me because I was Yeah, I

893
00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:35,520
Speaker 1: think my space was still with the exiled pot. As

894
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:37,160
Speaker 1: you said, for a lot of people, those maybe too

895
00:48:37,200 --> 00:48:39,640
Speaker 1: locked up. Yeah, and for some it's less. So you know,

896
00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:41,279
Speaker 1: for some for some people that have done a lot

897
00:48:41,320 --> 00:48:42,719
Speaker 1: of personal growth work. Like if you and I were

898
00:48:42,760 --> 00:48:45,000
Speaker 1: to do a session in IFS right now, we could

899
00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:47,680
Speaker 1: get to your child parts and you'd be very safe there.

900
00:48:47,920 --> 00:48:49,680
Speaker 1: You've done a lot of work, You've got you're safe

901
00:48:49,719 --> 00:48:52,319
Speaker 1: in your system. We could go to an exile, but

902
00:48:52,600 --> 00:48:55,200
Speaker 1: I would never like the average person that hasn't done

903
00:48:55,200 --> 00:48:56,759
Speaker 1: a lot of personal growth work. It's not it's not

904
00:48:56,800 --> 00:49:00,719
Speaker 1: safe to go. Yeah. Yeah, that's without the therapy. Yeah yes, yeah, absolutely,

905
00:49:00,760 --> 00:49:02,520
Speaker 1: And that's a great distinction to make again that we

906
00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:05,440
Speaker 1: don't want people going off and trying to do something

907
00:49:05,480 --> 00:49:08,680
Speaker 1: that isn't going to serve them. Yeah. You talk a

908
00:49:08,719 --> 00:49:10,879
Speaker 1: lot about you know in the book that I think

909
00:49:10,880 --> 00:49:12,839
Speaker 1: one of the last chapters or the last chapters love

910
00:49:12,920 --> 00:49:18,640
Speaker 1: every part. And I think just as we believe we're

911
00:49:18,760 --> 00:49:23,800
Speaker 1: unlovable and inadequate, we somehow believe that that's not possible.

912
00:49:24,560 --> 00:49:28,040
Speaker 1: Right somewhere inside of us, there's a belief that it's

913
00:49:28,080 --> 00:49:32,919
Speaker 1: actually not possible to be happy or to love ourselves

914
00:49:32,920 --> 00:49:37,239
Speaker 1: like it just exists there somewhere. Do we develop a

915
00:49:37,320 --> 00:49:39,680
Speaker 1: belief that it exists before we find it, or do

916
00:49:39,719 --> 00:49:41,879
Speaker 1: we start looking for it and find it along the way.

917
00:49:42,600 --> 00:49:44,800
Speaker 1: I was looking for it and found it along the way.

918
00:49:45,719 --> 00:49:50,120
Speaker 1: And I remember being in the early stages of remembering

919
00:49:50,120 --> 00:49:54,760
Speaker 1: the trauma and waking up super depressed, waking up so down,

920
00:49:55,320 --> 00:49:59,240
Speaker 1: so scared, not totally disembodied for months. When you actually

921
00:49:59,239 --> 00:50:01,560
Speaker 1: remember see to trauma, you kind of go back into it.

922
00:50:01,600 --> 00:50:03,960
Speaker 1: So you're living in terror, like everything is just danger.

923
00:50:04,680 --> 00:50:07,719
Speaker 1: And I was just like, there's no way out, but

924
00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:11,080
Speaker 1: I was so committed. And so I think the most

925
00:50:11,160 --> 00:50:16,520
Speaker 1: important message is it's not about getting out overnight. In AA,

926
00:50:16,560 --> 00:50:18,759
Speaker 1: when you get sober, they say I wish you a

927
00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:21,479
Speaker 1: slow recovery, because that means that you're doing the work

928
00:50:22,480 --> 00:50:25,680
Speaker 1: that he means that you're going under the surface and

929
00:50:25,800 --> 00:50:29,919
Speaker 1: peeling back the layers. And so the same goes add

930
00:50:30,400 --> 00:50:33,919
Speaker 1: addiction really is a root cause is trauma period, So

931
00:50:34,120 --> 00:50:36,320
Speaker 1: it's really going back low, slowly into the trauma. And

932
00:50:36,320 --> 00:50:39,040
Speaker 1: so I would say that to the person that's recognizing trauma,

933
00:50:39,239 --> 00:50:42,720
Speaker 1: is I wish you a slow recovery, meaning that every

934
00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:46,319
Speaker 1: small layer that you peel back is a miracle. And

935
00:50:46,440 --> 00:50:49,720
Speaker 1: the more you add up those miracle moments, the closer

936
00:50:49,719 --> 00:50:52,960
Speaker 1: you get to living a miraculous life. So you can

937
00:50:53,040 --> 00:50:57,759
Speaker 1: celebrate your successes along the way. So for today, maybe

938
00:50:57,760 --> 00:50:59,480
Speaker 1: you pick up Happy Days and you just read the

939
00:50:59,480 --> 00:51:02,879
Speaker 1: first chapter. That's a success story. Maybe you just listen

940
00:51:02,920 --> 00:51:07,000
Speaker 1: to this podcast episode again, that's another layer. Maybe you

941
00:51:07,080 --> 00:51:09,560
Speaker 1: practice one of the breath practices in the book. That's

942
00:51:09,600 --> 00:51:13,560
Speaker 1: another layer. And it's it's a very very gentle process,

943
00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:18,279
Speaker 1: and you have to be fully celebrating every step of

944
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:21,360
Speaker 1: the journey. Am I done, Jay, I'm not done. I

945
00:51:21,480 --> 00:51:24,160
Speaker 1: still go to therapy every Wednesday. I still have sometimes

946
00:51:24,200 --> 00:51:27,520
Speaker 1: two additional sessions a month. I still am deep in EMDR.

947
00:51:27,640 --> 00:51:29,799
Speaker 1: I'm still doing my own ifs on myself. I'm going

948
00:51:29,840 --> 00:51:34,399
Speaker 1: to be going forever just shining the crystal. Yeah, and so,

949
00:51:34,520 --> 00:51:36,560
Speaker 1: but there is really freedom on the other side. There

950
00:51:36,560 --> 00:51:39,080
Speaker 1: really is. Well that's that presence again, right in being

951
00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:41,400
Speaker 1: present in the process, as you just said. But I

952
00:51:41,440 --> 00:51:44,760
Speaker 1: think that's what's so hard right now is that because

953
00:51:44,760 --> 00:51:48,320
Speaker 1: of the way the world's going, everything's become more instant,

954
00:51:48,520 --> 00:51:53,399
Speaker 1: more fast, fast recovery, quick fix. And I mean that's

955
00:51:53,400 --> 00:51:55,239
Speaker 1: always been the way, but it's become more and more

956
00:51:55,239 --> 00:51:57,160
Speaker 1: and more and more and more. And then when you're

957
00:51:57,200 --> 00:51:59,799
Speaker 1: being asked to do slow recovery and the real work,

958
00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:03,720
Speaker 1: which is what we know genuinely has the reward during

959
00:52:03,719 --> 00:52:05,800
Speaker 1: and at the end of the journey. I find that

960
00:52:05,800 --> 00:52:11,560
Speaker 1: that collision is so hard for people because they wake

961
00:52:11,680 --> 00:52:14,160
Speaker 1: up with resistance again. So it's like, just when you

962
00:52:14,200 --> 00:52:16,600
Speaker 1: had that moment when you felt you had a breakthrough,

963
00:52:16,960 --> 00:52:19,160
Speaker 1: you wake up the next morning and the resistance is

964
00:52:19,280 --> 00:52:22,800
Speaker 1: fully back. Yeah. That's actually why I think it's valuable

965
00:52:22,800 --> 00:52:26,719
Speaker 1: to build up your toolbox of self regulating techniques, and

966
00:52:26,760 --> 00:52:29,839
Speaker 1: they're in here. And the reason that's valuable is that

967
00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:33,239
Speaker 1: you can still feel relief along the way. You can

968
00:52:33,280 --> 00:52:36,040
Speaker 1: still have fun along the way. Yeah, it's not postponing

969
00:52:36,200 --> 00:52:39,080
Speaker 1: the journey yet. You've known me for six years. Six

970
00:52:39,200 --> 00:52:42,360
Speaker 1: years ago, I was like totally in a very different

971
00:52:42,520 --> 00:52:46,000
Speaker 1: nervous system than I am now. But I still had fun,

972
00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:48,040
Speaker 1: you know, I still could be with you and just

973
00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:49,560
Speaker 1: have a great time. And it was a different kind

974
00:52:49,600 --> 00:52:52,239
Speaker 1: of fun, and it was a different kind of experience

975
00:52:52,280 --> 00:52:54,200
Speaker 1: because I wasn't in the presence that I'm in now.

976
00:52:54,360 --> 00:52:55,960
Speaker 1: But it's not like you can't live your life and

977
00:52:56,040 --> 00:52:59,840
Speaker 1: have joy along the way these especially if you're on

978
00:53:00,320 --> 00:53:02,759
Speaker 1: the journey. That's why it's called a spiritual path or

979
00:53:02,800 --> 00:53:05,760
Speaker 1: a spiritual journey. If you're on the path and the journey,

980
00:53:06,000 --> 00:53:09,360
Speaker 1: every step of it's an up leveling and so and

981
00:53:09,480 --> 00:53:13,320
Speaker 1: especially if you have this arsenal of these self regulating tools. Okay,

982
00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:15,600
Speaker 1: I can be going through some big stuff, I can

983
00:53:15,640 --> 00:53:18,560
Speaker 1: be slowly getting sober, I can be slowly recovering from trauma.

984
00:53:18,560 --> 00:53:20,680
Speaker 1: It can be slowly going through therapy. But at the

985
00:53:20,680 --> 00:53:24,000
Speaker 1: same time, have these amazing meditations, have these amazing breath

986
00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:27,160
Speaker 1: practices that soothe me, have these great breakthroughs in my

987
00:53:27,239 --> 00:53:30,440
Speaker 1: therapy or in my relationship, and just celebrate those miracles

988
00:53:30,440 --> 00:53:33,680
Speaker 1: along the way. Tell me how you think about trauma

989
00:53:33,719 --> 00:53:36,839
Speaker 1: differently as being a mom. Oh dude, if you've got

990
00:53:36,920 --> 00:53:42,040
Speaker 1: unhealed trauma and you are about to become a parent, particularly,

991
00:53:42,080 --> 00:53:44,040
Speaker 1: I would say for both parents, but particularly a mother

992
00:53:44,080 --> 00:53:45,640
Speaker 1: that's going to carry a baby and deliver a baby

993
00:53:45,640 --> 00:53:48,279
Speaker 1: in the first early days, be the food for the

994
00:53:48,280 --> 00:53:50,799
Speaker 1: baby and the whole thing. You want to do this work,

995
00:53:51,440 --> 00:53:54,040
Speaker 1: because if you don't know, what will have You know,

996
00:53:54,680 --> 00:53:56,439
Speaker 1: even if you do or you don't, doesn't matter, it'll

997
00:53:56,480 --> 00:53:59,640
Speaker 1: all come flooding in. In my case, not only did

998
00:53:59,680 --> 00:54:02,160
Speaker 1: them flooded, but I also was hit with really terrible

999
00:54:02,200 --> 00:54:05,719
Speaker 1: postpartum depression, suicidal postpartum depression. I write about it in

1000
00:54:05,760 --> 00:54:09,040
Speaker 1: the book because it actually often if you have unresolved

1001
00:54:09,040 --> 00:54:13,320
Speaker 1: trauma can be very activating. Even with the biochemical condition

1002
00:54:13,360 --> 00:54:15,239
Speaker 1: to postpartum, it just can take it to the next level.

1003
00:54:15,840 --> 00:54:19,360
Speaker 1: So for me, my having my son was one of

1004
00:54:19,360 --> 00:54:23,280
Speaker 1: the biggest trauma responses I've experienced in my life was postpartum.

1005
00:54:23,360 --> 00:54:26,440
Speaker 1: That's a beautiful blessing because when you make the commitment

1006
00:54:26,520 --> 00:54:31,200
Speaker 1: to have a child, you are having to ask yourself

1007
00:54:31,239 --> 00:54:34,560
Speaker 1: two questions, am I going to do this the way

1008
00:54:34,600 --> 00:54:36,920
Speaker 1: it was done for me? Or am I going to

1009
00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:40,600
Speaker 1: show up big time? And how do you show up?

1010
00:54:41,040 --> 00:54:45,320
Speaker 1: You show up for yourself, because the more you reparent yourself,

1011
00:54:46,040 --> 00:54:49,680
Speaker 1: the clearer the path to parenting your child. There's a

1012
00:54:49,760 --> 00:54:52,520
Speaker 1: chapter in this book called Reparenting Yourself. It's all here,

1013
00:54:52,560 --> 00:54:55,120
Speaker 1: it's just it's almost a joke, and it's a chapter

1014
00:54:55,200 --> 00:54:57,759
Speaker 1: called reparenting Yourself where in early twenty twenty, I'm like,

1015
00:54:58,080 --> 00:55:01,560
Speaker 1: you know, running my business like everyone's in this storm.

1016
00:55:01,800 --> 00:55:04,520
Speaker 1: My kid's home. He's two years old, he's not napping

1017
00:55:04,560 --> 00:55:06,560
Speaker 1: twice a day, and me and Zac are the only

1018
00:55:06,560 --> 00:55:10,680
Speaker 1: ones with him at that time. Because everybody's home. And

1019
00:55:11,080 --> 00:55:14,799
Speaker 1: I went diving deep into the parenting books, particularly Dan

1020
00:55:14,920 --> 00:55:17,400
Speaker 1: Siegel's work, and he has a lot of methods and

1021
00:55:17,440 --> 00:55:22,520
Speaker 1: one of them I loved the four US is seen, Soothed, Safe, Secure,

1022
00:55:23,200 --> 00:55:25,360
Speaker 1: And I started applying this with my kid, and I

1023
00:55:25,400 --> 00:55:27,759
Speaker 1: was making sure I was really seeing him and soothing him,

1024
00:55:27,800 --> 00:55:30,960
Speaker 1: not just physically, but like really energetically and creating a

1025
00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:33,200
Speaker 1: safe environment, not just that he won't fall over on

1026
00:55:33,239 --> 00:55:36,480
Speaker 1: the you know, but a safe energetically and that creates

1027
00:55:36,520 --> 00:55:39,960
Speaker 1: a secure attachment bond. Now I was looking at this

1028
00:55:40,000 --> 00:55:42,799
Speaker 1: experience with Oliver, and I was like, no one ever

1029
00:55:42,800 --> 00:55:45,319
Speaker 1: did this for me, you know. I was like, why

1030
00:55:45,320 --> 00:55:48,120
Speaker 1: can't I do this for myself? And so I wrote

1031
00:55:48,120 --> 00:55:49,799
Speaker 1: a whole chapter I I did it for myself, and

1032
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:52,440
Speaker 1: I wrote about it. And so the best parenting advice

1033
00:55:52,440 --> 00:55:55,680
Speaker 1: I have is to do the work on yourself. Yeah. Yeah,

1034
00:55:56,000 --> 00:55:57,640
Speaker 1: this is a parenting book as much as it is

1035
00:55:57,920 --> 00:56:01,960
Speaker 1: because it's reparenting yourself to be a better parent. Yes, yeah, absolutely.

1036
00:56:02,000 --> 00:56:04,879
Speaker 1: And with that, I mean it's again the shame again, right,

1037
00:56:04,960 --> 00:56:07,120
Speaker 1: like from the mothers that I know well who are

1038
00:56:07,120 --> 00:56:10,080
Speaker 1: open and honest with me. If you go through that

1039
00:56:10,640 --> 00:56:13,440
Speaker 1: post giving birth it's like there's shame and guilt in

1040
00:56:13,520 --> 00:56:16,280
Speaker 1: that because yeah, because it impacts. So it's again another

1041
00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:20,080
Speaker 1: opportunity to choose shame and guilt. And then you don't

1042
00:56:20,120 --> 00:56:22,719
Speaker 1: tell anyone because as a mum mum, guilt is even

1043
00:56:22,920 --> 00:56:27,200
Speaker 1: harder to share. What did you do in that period?

1044
00:56:27,280 --> 00:56:29,799
Speaker 1: I mean obviously doing all of this work, but what

1045
00:56:29,840 --> 00:56:33,719
Speaker 1: did you specifically do to move through that? So here

1046
00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:39,680
Speaker 1: I was now at that stage, had published maybe a

1047
00:56:39,760 --> 00:56:41,840
Speaker 1: seven or eight eight books something like this, And you know,

1048
00:56:41,880 --> 00:56:43,600
Speaker 1: I'm just sort of showing the world of where I

1049
00:56:43,680 --> 00:56:46,520
Speaker 1: was a self help book author, very entrenched in the

1050
00:56:46,520 --> 00:56:52,120
Speaker 1: wellness space, brought up homeopathic, really believing in natural medication medicine,

1051
00:56:52,320 --> 00:56:57,359
Speaker 1: never had fulfilled the prescription at a pharmacy, and in

1052
00:56:57,400 --> 00:56:59,279
Speaker 1: many ways probably was a part of the stigma around

1053
00:56:59,280 --> 00:57:01,120
Speaker 1: mental health because I would be in my audiences and

1054
00:57:01,120 --> 00:57:03,239
Speaker 1: people would say to me, like, I'm depressed, and I

1055
00:57:03,520 --> 00:57:06,360
Speaker 1: tried this meditation. I didn't realize if you're having a

1056
00:57:06,360 --> 00:57:09,440
Speaker 1: biochemical condition, it doesn't work if you're having a biochemical condition.

1057
00:57:10,120 --> 00:57:13,200
Speaker 1: And so I was having a biochemical condition but not

1058
00:57:13,280 --> 00:57:16,320
Speaker 1: fully giving it voice. And I got to the point

1059
00:57:16,320 --> 00:57:19,360
Speaker 1: where I was having insomnia. I had insomnia for four months,

1060
00:57:19,840 --> 00:57:22,320
Speaker 1: and when you don't sleep, you get extraordinarily depressed, and

1061
00:57:22,640 --> 00:57:26,360
Speaker 1: for me it became suicidal. I opened the chapter talking

1062
00:57:26,360 --> 00:57:29,440
Speaker 1: about how I'm driving to Mother's day brunch and in

1063
00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:31,360
Speaker 1: the backseat with my son and under my breath they say,

1064
00:57:31,400 --> 00:57:34,000
Speaker 1: I want to kill myself. And so that's where I

1065
00:57:34,040 --> 00:57:38,880
Speaker 1: was at, and I did not get help for four months,

1066
00:57:39,240 --> 00:57:44,480
Speaker 1: maybe longer. I was undiagnosed because of the stigma and

1067
00:57:44,560 --> 00:57:49,880
Speaker 1: the shame of what mental illness is. And you know,

1068
00:57:50,000 --> 00:57:51,880
Speaker 1: we have to really begin to look at the shame

1069
00:57:51,920 --> 00:57:54,240
Speaker 1: and the stigma around it. And so for me in

1070
00:57:54,800 --> 00:57:57,720
Speaker 1: my experience here, I was in this wellness world, and

1071
00:57:57,960 --> 00:58:02,480
Speaker 1: you know, finding that ashwaganda wasn't going to be the answer,

1072
00:58:02,520 --> 00:58:05,640
Speaker 1: and melatonin wasn't going to be the answer. Alfhionine for

1073
00:58:05,720 --> 00:58:08,080
Speaker 1: my stomach wasn't going to be the answer. And even

1074
00:58:08,120 --> 00:58:11,880
Speaker 1: in the therapy, the therapeutic tools were no longer working,

1075
00:58:11,880 --> 00:58:15,680
Speaker 1: the meditation was no longer working, and finally I hit

1076
00:58:15,760 --> 00:58:20,040
Speaker 1: a massive bottom. Just four months of not sleeping, I

1077
00:58:20,080 --> 00:58:22,480
Speaker 1: actually missed a talk live talk. It was the first

1078
00:58:22,480 --> 00:58:26,120
Speaker 1: time in over a decade that I didn't show up

1079
00:58:26,760 --> 00:58:29,920
Speaker 1: because I hadn't slept the night before. And then I

1080
00:58:29,960 --> 00:58:32,200
Speaker 1: finally reached out to a friend who was a psychiatrist

1081
00:58:32,240 --> 00:58:33,760
Speaker 1: and I said I need help, and he put me

1082
00:58:33,800 --> 00:58:37,200
Speaker 1: in touch with a postpartum psychiatrist. I saw her the

1083
00:58:37,240 --> 00:58:40,280
Speaker 1: next day. She diagnosed me within ten minutes. She said,

1084
00:58:40,280 --> 00:58:43,280
Speaker 1: you have postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety. You have to get medicated.

1085
00:58:43,880 --> 00:58:46,760
Speaker 1: And she saw all that resistance in me, and she

1086
00:58:46,800 --> 00:58:48,640
Speaker 1: looked at me and these were the words that helped me.

1087
00:58:49,640 --> 00:58:54,480
Speaker 1: She said, this medication will give you a safer baseline

1088
00:58:54,960 --> 00:58:58,200
Speaker 1: so that you can do the deeper trauma work. And

1089
00:58:58,320 --> 00:59:02,400
Speaker 1: those words just punctured me. I just heard everything she

1090
00:59:02,440 --> 00:59:04,440
Speaker 1: said and I said, okay, all right, I'll do it.

1091
00:59:05,120 --> 00:59:07,520
Speaker 1: And I took that prescription and I went down to

1092
00:59:07,560 --> 00:59:09,320
Speaker 1: the pharmacy and I stood in the pharmacy with my husband.

1093
00:59:09,320 --> 00:59:10,360
Speaker 1: I was like, what do I do. I don't even

1094
00:59:10,360 --> 00:59:12,240
Speaker 1: know what to do. I've never even felled the prescriptions

1095
00:59:12,240 --> 00:59:14,840
Speaker 1: like you hand it to the pharmacist. And I held

1096
00:59:14,880 --> 00:59:18,240
Speaker 1: that medication in my hand and the placebo effect is

1097
00:59:18,240 --> 00:59:22,160
Speaker 1: set right in, and I was like, there is a

1098
00:59:22,200 --> 00:59:26,120
Speaker 1: way out of this. And I was having a biochemical condition.

1099
00:59:26,160 --> 00:59:29,040
Speaker 1: You can't mess with that. You cannot meditate your way

1100
00:59:29,040 --> 00:59:31,400
Speaker 1: out of that. And so here I am now you

1101
00:59:31,440 --> 00:59:35,040
Speaker 1: know a voice for really ending the stigma around mental illness.

1102
00:59:35,240 --> 00:59:38,240
Speaker 1: If you have a proper diagnosis from a psychiatric from

1103
00:59:38,240 --> 00:59:42,400
Speaker 1: a psychiatrist, and you have that psychiatric support, there is

1104
00:59:42,560 --> 00:59:45,800
Speaker 1: no shame in following the medicated path. Yes, of course,

1105
00:59:45,800 --> 00:59:48,120
Speaker 1: we live in a culture when medication is overly prescribed

1106
00:59:48,120 --> 00:59:50,720
Speaker 1: and unnecessarily prescribed, and there are a lot of things

1107
00:59:50,720 --> 00:59:52,440
Speaker 1: you have to know and educate yourself on when you

1108
00:59:52,480 --> 00:59:56,840
Speaker 1: get on psychiatric medication. But when you need it, you

1109
00:59:56,920 --> 01:00:01,040
Speaker 1: need it to survive, and it is and it is

1110
01:00:01,120 --> 01:00:05,520
Speaker 1: exactly what she said that medication created a safer baseline

1111
01:00:05,560 --> 01:00:09,760
Speaker 1: in my system so I could unearth the deepest, deepest

1112
01:00:09,800 --> 01:00:14,080
Speaker 1: wounds and come out the other side. Gave thank you

1113
01:00:14,240 --> 01:00:18,120
Speaker 1: so much for shedding your soul in this book in

1114
01:00:18,160 --> 01:00:21,280
Speaker 1: this episode. And what I love about this book is

1115
01:00:21,360 --> 01:00:24,960
Speaker 1: that it has your story and your journey. It has

1116
01:00:25,800 --> 01:00:29,840
Speaker 1: really practical tips and steps for people to actually follow,

1117
01:00:30,440 --> 01:00:33,480
Speaker 1: and it has these real methodologies and approaches to guide

1118
01:00:33,480 --> 01:00:36,280
Speaker 1: them as well. And I think it's masterful in the

1119
01:00:36,280 --> 01:00:38,040
Speaker 1: way it's kind of like the tapestry of all of

1120
01:00:38,080 --> 01:00:41,160
Speaker 1: that together. And I think what underpins it is just

1121
01:00:41,480 --> 01:00:44,440
Speaker 1: your ability to go all the way and beast of

1122
01:00:44,520 --> 01:00:46,840
Speaker 1: vulnerable as you have been today in today's episode, but

1123
01:00:46,920 --> 01:00:49,680
Speaker 1: it also in the book. And so if anyone who's listening,

1124
01:00:50,240 --> 01:00:53,320
Speaker 1: if you know for a long time you've been shying away,

1125
01:00:53,480 --> 01:00:57,800
Speaker 1: you've been protecting yourself, you've been putting it off, postponing it,

1126
01:00:58,560 --> 01:01:02,800
Speaker 1: you know it's there. Maybe physical response is really triggering

1127
01:01:02,880 --> 01:01:05,800
Speaker 1: right now, maybe something that someone says is pushing you

1128
01:01:05,880 --> 01:01:08,640
Speaker 1: over the edge. Then please go and grab a copy

1129
01:01:08,880 --> 01:01:13,880
Speaker 1: of Happy Days Today. The link is in the comment

1130
01:01:13,920 --> 01:01:17,440
Speaker 1: section and everywhere else, and make sure you follow Gabby.

1131
01:01:17,560 --> 01:01:20,600
Speaker 1: A podcast is called Deer Gabby. Go and listen and

1132
01:01:20,640 --> 01:01:23,760
Speaker 1: subscribe to the podcast. You can also follow Gabby on

1133
01:01:23,800 --> 01:01:27,480
Speaker 1: social media across all platforms. Gabby Bernstein. Make sure you

1134
01:01:27,520 --> 01:01:29,560
Speaker 1: go and do that. Gabby, I want to thank you

1135
01:01:29,760 --> 01:01:31,480
Speaker 1: from the bottom of my heart for taking other time

1136
01:01:31,520 --> 01:01:34,600
Speaker 1: to do this, because I think You've made me ask

1137
01:01:34,720 --> 01:01:36,400
Speaker 1: so many questions that I'm going to go back to

1138
01:01:36,880 --> 01:01:39,120
Speaker 1: after this episode. I'm like, what do I need to

1139
01:01:39,120 --> 01:01:41,000
Speaker 1: take a deeper look at? What have I really not

1140
01:01:41,600 --> 01:01:44,880
Speaker 1: work through or what am I avoiding or ignoring or

1141
01:01:44,920 --> 01:01:48,240
Speaker 1: putting off? And I'm just grateful for that. I'm really

1142
01:01:48,240 --> 01:01:50,320
Speaker 1: grateful that you've given me the space to do that,

1143
01:01:51,200 --> 01:01:53,640
Speaker 1: given us all the path to do that through this book.

1144
01:01:54,040 --> 01:01:57,760
Speaker 1: Thank you for your presence and for seeing me even

1145
01:01:57,760 --> 01:02:00,920
Speaker 1: when I couldn't see myself. And it's such a privilege

1146
01:02:00,960 --> 01:02:03,520
Speaker 1: to be your friend. Thank you, Thank you, Gabby. Thank

1147
01:02:03,560 --> 01:02:06,640
Speaker 1: you so much. Everyone who's been listening and watching, make

1148
01:02:06,680 --> 01:02:09,600
Speaker 1: sure you tag me and Gabby on your post so

1149
01:02:09,600 --> 01:02:11,880
Speaker 1: that we know what resonated with you, what connected with you.

1150
01:02:11,920 --> 01:02:13,880
Speaker 1: I just want to point out that a lot of

1151
01:02:13,920 --> 01:02:15,520
Speaker 1: my guests have said this to me recently. It makes

1152
01:02:15,520 --> 01:02:20,040
Speaker 1: me very happy. Our unpurposed community is amazing, and I've

1153
01:02:20,080 --> 01:02:22,160
Speaker 1: been getting messages and speaking to a lot of my

1154
01:02:22,160 --> 01:02:24,640
Speaker 1: friends who've been on the show saying that they just

1155
01:02:24,760 --> 01:02:28,560
Speaker 1: felt the love, like the flood of love from our community.

1156
01:02:28,600 --> 01:02:30,720
Speaker 1: So please show that a Gabby as well. Thank you

1157
01:02:30,760 --> 01:02:32,880
Speaker 1: for doing that for all the other guests before. I

1158
01:02:32,920 --> 01:02:34,720
Speaker 1: wanted you to know that I've been hearing about you

1159
01:02:34,760 --> 01:02:38,560
Speaker 1: personally from so many people and let's start living some

1160
01:02:38,600 --> 01:02:41,360
Speaker 1: happy days. So take care everyone. Thank you so much

1161
01:02:41,360 --> 01:02:41,800
Speaker 1: for listening.