Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central the United Kingdom, where a
Speaker 1: protester who threw eggs at King Charles has now been
Speaker 1: banned from carrying eggs in public as a condition of
Speaker 1: his bail. I mean that just really shows you how
Speaker 1: much England has lost its edge. You know, in the
Speaker 1: old days, if you came at the King, they would
Speaker 1: torture you in the Tower of London for the rest
Speaker 1: of your life. Now it's like you attacked our king. Well,
Speaker 1: good luck making a dominant now. And some news from
Speaker 1: the world of philanthropy, Jeff Bezos announced that he will
Speaker 1: be giving Dolly Parton one million dollars to celebrate her
Speaker 1: good deeds in the world. Yeah, and that's how rich
Speaker 1: Jeff Bezos is. Imagine me so rich that you think
Speaker 1: it's charity when you give money to millionaires. He's like, oh,
Speaker 1: you poor thing. You don't even have a space ship,
Speaker 1: do you. Yeah, let me break you off some. In
Speaker 1: a major geopolitical news, President Biden met for the first
Speaker 1: time with his Chinese counterpart, Jijing Ping, and after the
Speaker 1: three hour meeting, Biden declared that an invasion of Taiwan
Speaker 1: is not imminent. And I know what probably happened here.
Speaker 1: Jesing Ping went into that meeting planning to stick it
Speaker 1: to Joe, but first Biden told him about that one
Speaker 1: time we had their friend who was a Negro baseball player.
Speaker 1: He's work of the pool with all the kids, and
Speaker 1: he'd rather amtwer all the way than Scranson. Man, it's
Speaker 1: not Scrans of the day, man. Scrands different back then,
Speaker 1: pot boys in terment. When my word is a Biden
Speaker 1: and ice cream marker, come on, come on, Jack, And
Speaker 1: Jijing Ping was like, you know what you can have Taiwan,
Speaker 1: Just stop talking. I don't I don't know what any
Speaker 1: of this is. Just just leave me alone, all right.
Speaker 1: But let's move on to some of the biggest stories
Speaker 1: of the day, starting with the mid terms, that magical
Speaker 1: term of the year when the most exciting thing on
Speaker 1: TV is Steve CORNACKI doing math. Now, votes are still
Speaker 1: being counted across the country, but a few things are clear. One,
Speaker 1: you can take off your I voted stick and now
Speaker 1: we get it. And two Senate Democrats are about to
Speaker 1: get two more years in the driver's seats. Let's begin
Speaker 1: with Democrats shocking the political world by retaining control of
Speaker 1: the United States Senate thanks to a win overnight in Nevada,
Speaker 1: Democrats now taking a victory lap, defying history and expectations,
Speaker 1: on track to their best midterm performance since John F.
Speaker 1: Kennedy was president. This is a very happy day. With
Speaker 1: at least fifty seats and Vice President Kamala Harris's tie
Speaker 1: breaking vote, Democrats now keep control of the upper chamber,
Speaker 1: regardless of the outcome of Georgia's Senate runoff sleated for
Speaker 1: December six. Holding the Senate gives President Biden and his
Speaker 1: party control over the legislative agenda there and critically judicial confirmations,
Speaker 1: including the Supreme Court if another seat opens up. That's
Speaker 1: right now that Nevada and Arizona have been called, the
Speaker 1: Democrats have officially kept control of the Senate for another
Speaker 1: two years, which is a huge surprise. I mean, when
Speaker 1: Chuck Schumer heard that happened, his glasses and then he
Speaker 1: fell right off his face. I mean, at least I'm
Speaker 1: assuming that's why they're down there, right. I Remember, Remember,
Speaker 1: the reason this is so important is because keeping the
Speaker 1: Senate means that Democrats can keep confirming judges, including Supreme
Speaker 1: Court justices, like if any of them retire. Or let's say,
Speaker 1: I don't know gets like a d U. I you know,
Speaker 1: I still like mom. But but remember, if Republicans take
Speaker 1: control of the House, then every dream the Democrats have
Speaker 1: of codifying Rovie Wade or taxing the rich or turning
Speaker 1: Pete Buddhajas into a real boy, they can't do it.
Speaker 1: I mean, they probably weren't gonna do it anyway, but
Speaker 1: now they have someone to blame, those passing Republicans. Now,
Speaker 1: of course, there's still the Georgia runoff in December between
Speaker 1: Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker, which the Democrats don't need anymore.
Speaker 1: They don't need to win in order to control the Senates,
Speaker 1: but it would give them extra cushion for when Joe
Speaker 1: Manson tries to cop block them, or Kirsten Cinema goes rogue,
Speaker 1: or Bernie Sanders and misses a vote because he's arguing
Speaker 1: with a grocery store manager. He's just there was a
Speaker 1: shot that Apple, play up your ass. I want to
Speaker 1: pay with a check. Wait, hold on, I wrote the
Speaker 1: wrong day. You'll give him give me another chance. So
Speaker 1: we're gonna have to wait until December to see what
Speaker 1: the final counts in the Senate is and really that
Speaker 1: race can go either way. Can we just admit, now
Speaker 1: that the stakes are a little lower, you kind of
Speaker 1: want to see what herschel Walker would be like as
Speaker 1: a senator. I'm not saying they should. I'm not saying
Speaker 1: they should, and I'm not saying it would be good
Speaker 1: for Georgia or of the country. But but when he
Speaker 1: gets Ms McConnell pregnant with another secret baby, it will
Speaker 1: be all worth its. It will be all worth its.
Speaker 1: He certain Marrik card and our five hour dollar rare.
Speaker 1: But while the Democrats are celebrating their success in the midterms,
Speaker 1: Republicans are being forced to look ahead and the question
Speaker 1: of who will take on the animated corpse of Joe
Speaker 1: Biden for the presidency. So obviously obviously all eyes on
Speaker 1: Donald Trump, you know, you know, because he's the person
Speaker 1: who has promised a big announcement from Mara Lago tomorrow. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and no one knows what the big announcement could be.
Speaker 1: It could could just be that he successfully walked down
Speaker 1: a ramp, or or that he finally memorized all the
Speaker 1: words to the McDonald's Big Mac song. But but everyone
Speaker 1: is expecting that it's going to be his entry into
Speaker 1: the presidential race. Yeah. And there are a lot of
Speaker 1: reasons people think that Trump is going to run again, right.
Speaker 1: They think he wants to avoid an indictment. They think
Speaker 1: he thinks he's already one last time. It could be
Speaker 1: the fact that he has a Cinemax movie in the
Speaker 1: White House dvr that he wants to finish watching Will
Speaker 1: and Manuel Get Back from Space. I don't know, but
Speaker 1: the biggest hint that he's running again is that he
Speaker 1: spent a lot of time recently making fun of other
Speaker 1: Republicans who might think of running. Right. Do you remember
Speaker 1: he called Rhonda sanctus, Rhonda sanctimonious, He mocked Mike penceis
Speaker 1: polling numbers, and then last week he found something to
Speaker 1: say about a new target, Virginia Governor Glenn Yunkin. On Friday,
Speaker 1: the former president posted on his social media platform Truth
Speaker 1: Social that Youngcan's last name quote sounds Chinese. The post read,
Speaker 1: in part, young kid, now, that's an interesting take sounds Chinese?
Speaker 1: Doesn't It couldn't have one without me. You know, just
Speaker 1: when I think Trump is a hip peak strange, he
Speaker 1: finds a way to take it to another level. He's
Speaker 1: like super sayan of strange because first of all, first
Speaker 1: of all, how are you so racist that you can
Speaker 1: make an anti Asian remark about a white guy? I
Speaker 1: don't even understand that. And secondly, how are you so
Speaker 1: weird that you can surprise yourself in your own text.
Speaker 1: He's the one typing that. He's like, now, that's an
Speaker 1: interesting thing you wrote, kits are you guys seeing what?
Speaker 1: Just happy? You type kids? Like who are you? How's
Speaker 1: your word work? But the only the only explanation that
Speaker 1: makes sense in my head is that he typed the
Speaker 1: guy's name in and then it also corrected to young kid,
Speaker 1: And now Trump is having a conversation with his ultra
Speaker 1: correct like, wow, I never thought of it that way. Keyboard,
Speaker 1: you should be my running mate. So smart, so strong,
Speaker 1: so clever. But this moment here, it's just another one
Speaker 1: where you realize that the tide is turning against Trump
Speaker 1: ever since the mid terms, because this time Republicans are
Speaker 1: pushing back against him. Yeah, come out there like this
Speaker 1: is not cool? Why you're saying this? They're fighting him.
Speaker 1: You realize if this happened before the mid terms, young
Speaker 1: Ken would have come out like why yes, in fact,
Speaker 1: I am a Chinese man, the how y'all and Mr Trump.
Speaker 1: So let's move on to some financial news. After being
Speaker 1: hailed as the future of money, two has been cryptocurrencies
Speaker 1: worst year yet. The crypto market has lost one point
Speaker 1: three trillion dollars worldwide, hundreds of cryptocurrencies have completely disappeared,
Speaker 1: and Matt Damon has moved on to selling herbal life.
Speaker 1: And now, just when we thought the crypto world couldn't
Speaker 1: fall any lower, this happened. One popular cryptocurrency exchange is
Speaker 1: on the brink of collapse this morning. F t X
Speaker 1: filed for bankruptcy Friday, leaving investors scrambling and destabilizing the
Speaker 1: entire industry. The company's thirty year old CEO, Sam bankman Fried,
Speaker 1: resigned and his sixteen billion dollar fortune erased. Bloomberg has
Speaker 1: called his meteoric fall from grace when a history's greatest
Speaker 1: ever destructions of wealth. At its peak, the crypto exchange
Speaker 1: was worth thirty two billion dollars and benefited from superstar
Speaker 1: endorsements from Tom Brady, Gazelle Bunchen, Naomi Osaka, and Steph Curry.
Speaker 1: The NBA's Miami Heat had its venue renamed as ft
Speaker 1: X Arena, just last year, but now that name's coming
Speaker 1: off the building. The downfall of f t X began
Speaker 1: earlier this month, when reports raised serious questions about its
Speaker 1: financial health. Those questions triggered a bank run on the
Speaker 1: exchange as too many customers tried to withdraw their assets.
Speaker 1: By Thursday, bankman Fried was apologizing on Twitter, saying quote,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I uh and should have done better. Yeah,
Speaker 1: one of the biggest cryptocurrency exchanges has filed for bankruptcy,
Speaker 1: going from being worth thirty billion dollars to being eight
Speaker 1: billion in the whole. And do you know how hard
Speaker 1: it is to lose that much money overnight without buying Twitter?
Speaker 1: This wasn't easy. And look, I will say I am
Speaker 1: glad that he apologized, but a tweet saying I stop
Speaker 1: it doesn't capture the enormity of what you've done. You know,
Speaker 1: I stop is the wrong address. Stop is like the
Speaker 1: wrong UBO or something at the very at the very least,
Speaker 1: you've gotta add like ten more us because you've uh.
Speaker 1: And this, this crypto collapse is sending shock waves everywhere everywhere,
Speaker 1: from people losing billions of dollars to the Miami heat
Speaker 1: being forced to change the name of the arena right
Speaker 1: now that FTX is broke. You saw that, And I'll
Speaker 1: be honest with you, I feel like this one is
Speaker 1: on the heat. If you're gonna let a company by
Speaker 1: the naming rights to arena, at least make sure it's
Speaker 1: an established company. Don't commit to some crypto startup that's
Speaker 1: been around for two years. It's like going on a
Speaker 1: first date and then when the person goes to the bathroom,
Speaker 1: you gotta lower back tattoo of their name. You know.
Speaker 1: He's like, yeah, there's no way this get backfire. Yeah, wait,
Speaker 1: it's Channis that it was Jenny, and you have to admit.
Speaker 1: You have to admit it is crazy that a crypto
Speaker 1: collapse can take so much real money with it. Think
Speaker 1: about it. It's fake money, but people lost real savings.
Speaker 1: It's like finding out someone's imaginary friend died by driving
Speaker 1: your call off a clip. You're like, oh, your friend
Speaker 1: wasn't real. They were real to me, And personally, I
Speaker 1: hope Tom Brady didn't invest too much of his money
Speaker 1: in this company because otherwise he'll never be able to retire.
Speaker 1: He's gonna be like ninety years old in a huddle,
Speaker 1: just like you're gonna run a post out left and
Speaker 1: and you block the blats and and did I have
Speaker 1: a jay by that time? Matter friend who was a
Speaker 1: Negro baseball player, He said, hurd the pool with the
Speaker 1: kids of the amtrack of this cubitup my box where Jack,
Speaker 1: and come on, Jack, come on, let's do it. Taylor Swift.
Speaker 1: This morning, tickets went on sale for the singer's first
Speaker 1: tour in four years, and so many fans rushed onto
Speaker 1: the ticket Master site that it immediately crashed and no
Speaker 1: one can get tickets. And yeah, ticket Master to Taylor
Speaker 1: SWI so wrong. She's already put out three albums about them.
Speaker 1: They're gonna learn their lessons. And look, I know everyone
Speaker 1: thinks getting these tickets is the most important thing in
Speaker 1: the world, but it's really not. All right if you
Speaker 1: don't get them, just relax, log off, you know, just
Speaker 1: give the site like a chance to cool down and
Speaker 1: repair itself, and then you know, don't bother you, just
Speaker 1: you just show all right, I got mine. You can
Speaker 1: go back on, you can go back on, you do
Speaker 1: whatever you are in. In labor news, Amazon is reportedly
Speaker 1: planning to lay off up to ten thousand employees this week. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the largest job cuts in the company's history. And I
Speaker 1: don't even know how this is possible, Right, Me and
Speaker 1: everyone I know buy something on Amazon every day and
Speaker 1: then returns to the next day when we realized we
Speaker 1: didn't actually need it anymore. How are they not making money?
Speaker 1: And I feel for all the Amazon workers who are
Speaker 1: getting laid off. But the silver lining is, at least
Speaker 1: you can steal great ship on the way out. Yeah. No,
Speaker 1: at most offices you can only take what like a stapler.
Speaker 1: But if you get fired from Amazon, You've got like
Speaker 1: seven air fryers. Was walking out of the warehouse, Like
Speaker 1: my prime day came early? Oh in uh In international news,
Speaker 1: Europe is on high alert tonight after Russian missiles aimed
Speaker 1: at Ukraine hit Poland instead. Yeah, which apparently could trigger
Speaker 1: a full NATO response. Honestly, like, why do these World
Speaker 1: War has always gotta start in Poland? It's like the
Speaker 1: waffle house parking a lot of Europe And I look,
Speaker 1: I don't want to scare anyone. I don't want to
Speaker 1: scare anyone, but this could be the beginning of World
Speaker 1: War three. I don't want to scare you, though I'm
Speaker 1: not saying it will be it could be. So remember
Speaker 1: this is a good time to just like spend time
Speaker 1: with your family, you know, put down your phones and
Speaker 1: just spend some more tickets. Suckers, I'm gonna be the
Speaker 1: front vote by myself. All right, all right, let's move
Speaker 1: on to some of the biggest stories of the day.
Speaker 1: Start sing with the latest on the mid terms, which, yes,
Speaker 1: the votes are somehow still being counted. I think election
Speaker 1: officials are like using their fingers. I don't know. The
Speaker 1: point is, we need to be patients. But it's becoming
Speaker 1: increasingly clear that the American people, or at least the
Speaker 1: half of them who actually voted, have delivered a split decision,
Speaker 1: with Democrats taking the Senate and Republicans all but certain
Speaker 1: to win control of the House, which means that in
Speaker 1: order for Americans will succeed, Democrats and Republicans will have
Speaker 1: to work together, so America will not succeed. And you know,
Speaker 1: so it's it's kind of a weird situation for Americans
Speaker 1: to Vietan. You know, having a split Congress is like
Speaker 1: being raised by two parents who don't see eye to
Speaker 1: eye on anything. Like one parent wants you to take
Speaker 1: ballet lessons and the other parent thinks ballet lessons are
Speaker 1: a communist plot to turn you trans and neither parent
Speaker 1: wants you to ask questions about who killed Jeffrey Epstein.
Speaker 1: But the mid terms weren't just about who runs DC.
Speaker 1: It turns out they were also about who runs the states.
Speaker 1: And in Arizona, a closely watched governor's race has finally
Speaker 1: been called this morning, another major symbolic defeat for former
Speaker 1: President Donald Trump in the mid terms, Democrat Katie Hobbs
Speaker 1: narrowly beating Republican Kerry Lake for Arizona governor. Lake had
Speaker 1: been one of Mr Trump's most prominent allies in the
Speaker 1: midterms and one of the stanchest supporters of his false
Speaker 1: claims denying the results of election. Lake continuing to question
Speaker 1: her own races results last night, tweeting Arizonans no bs
Speaker 1: when they see it, Yes, apparently they do. They'll do,
Speaker 1: but I guess in In the least surprising plot twist, ever,
Speaker 1: a woman who ran on a platform of denying election
Speaker 1: results is now denying her election results. And in a way,
Speaker 1: I bet she's relieved that she lost. Yeah, because if
Speaker 1: she won, then what she would have had to deny herself?
Speaker 1: It would have would have shattered her reality. It would
Speaker 1: be like t LC meeting a scrub and liking him.
Speaker 1: What it turns out a scrub as a guy who
Speaker 1: can get love from me? What? Oh, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go chase some waterfalls. Anyway, this this is
Speaker 1: a lot for Carrie Lake, So please, please, let's give
Speaker 1: her some space as she goes through the five stages
Speaker 1: of Republican grief, denial, denial, denial, pooping in Nancy Pelosi's office,
Speaker 1: and denial. But remember, remember the reason this result has
Speaker 1: big implications is because with Carry losses, with Carry Lake's loss,
Speaker 1: rather every election denial running for governor or secretary of
Speaker 1: state in a swing state has now lost their races,
Speaker 1: which is huge for democracy. Torectly, you know this is
Speaker 1: this is just like in those horror films where they
Speaker 1: killed the monster and then he never comes back again.
Speaker 1: You did it? Democrats, Now leave the knife on the
Speaker 1: council and go take a sexy shower upstairs. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: enough about the midterms. Enough about that. The campaign is
Speaker 1: over and it's time for the parties to govern. I'm
Speaker 1: shooting you, it's not gonna happen it sextually. Time for
Speaker 1: the parties to campaign for the next election. I don't
Speaker 1: know why, but American loves campaign is that you campaign
Speaker 1: to campaign, campaign to campaign. It never ends. It's like
Speaker 1: seeing someone who's only interested in full play. You like that,
Speaker 1: You're ready. Yeah, well, let's put your clothes back on
Speaker 1: and start again. Oh yeah, Oh yeah, what's your name?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, let's do that again. Anyway, as everyone prepares
Speaker 1: themselves what will be like with Trump, there's one pots.
Speaker 1: There's one pots that will be different this time, and
Speaker 1: that is one of Trump's biggest ass liquas is going
Speaker 1: to be leaving his ass very dry. Nearly two years
Speaker 1: after a mob of Donald Trump's supporters attacked the Capitol,
Speaker 1: disrupting the transfer of power and chanting hang, Mike Pence,
Speaker 1: Trump's once loyal vice president, is finally telling his story
Speaker 1: about what happened that day. The President's words were reckless
Speaker 1: and his actions were reckless. President's words that day at
Speaker 1: the rally endangered me and my family and everyone at
Speaker 1: the Capitol building. Given all that you witnessed in the
Speaker 1: Capital on that day, this is a pretty straightforward question.
Speaker 1: Yes or no? Do you believe that Donald Trump should
Speaker 1: ever be president again? David I think that's up to
Speaker 1: the American people, but I think we'll have better choices
Speaker 1: in the future. Hell yeah, good for Mike Pence telling
Speaker 1: Donald Trump you almost got me and my family killed,
Speaker 1: which is why I'm now prepared to say that it's
Speaker 1: possible there are better alternatives to you in the next election. Call, though,
Speaker 1: that decision will be up to the American people. You
Speaker 1: tell him, Mike Pence, you tell him, thriller man. It's
Speaker 1: a simple question, do you support Trump or not. I
Speaker 1: don't believe Mike pens is the one leaving us hanging,
Speaker 1: and I know I know why he's doing this, right,
Speaker 1: and he's doing it he doesn't want to go too
Speaker 1: hot against Trump because he's still hoping to win over
Speaker 1: Trump's votes if he runs for presid which is so delusional.
Speaker 1: Trump's people were the ones who wanted to kill him.
Speaker 1: The only reason they would elect him president so that
Speaker 1: they know for sure where he lived. Why would they
Speaker 1: vote for you? And even if that strategy works, it
Speaker 1: still makes him a punk ass bitch. It does. I'm
Speaker 1: sorry for bits. Not the type of man you want
Speaker 1: leading the United States? All right, Well, do you quite
Speaker 1: even say the thing out loud? If pencil was present.
Speaker 1: Forget China, Canada would be invading. I was like, oh, sorry, sorry,
Speaker 1: We're gonna take Oregon. It just seems so easy. Sorry, sorry,
Speaker 1: but let's move on to some international news right now.
Speaker 1: If you're going through a breakup, your friends might be
Speaker 1: telling you that there were lots of people out there,
Speaker 1: and they're right. In fact, they're more right today than
Speaker 1: ever before. Human says that there'll be a new milestone
Speaker 1: in human development as the world population is expected to
Speaker 1: hit eight billion today. The agency adds that this unprecedented
Speaker 1: growth is due to improvements in public health, medicine, and
Speaker 1: high levels of fertility in some countries. This is staggering
Speaker 1: when you consider that one hundred years ago, according to
Speaker 1: the u N, the global population was two billion or
Speaker 1: under eight billion. Hell yeah, eight billion people. Everybody, eight
Speaker 1: billion people on Earth. I didn't need the UN to
Speaker 1: tell me this. I could already tell the where eight
Speaker 1: billion people because every single one of them was ahead
Speaker 1: of me for tailor swift tickets in line. And I'm proud.
Speaker 1: I am proud of all of us people, because say
Speaker 1: what you want about the human race, but one thing
Speaker 1: is for sure. WI Yeah, congratulations to everyone. For smashing
Speaker 1: and yes, some people are working harder than others, but
Speaker 1: the rest of us deserve some credit to I kind
Speaker 1: of I kind of wish that the UN didn't even
Speaker 1: announce this because it feels like bragging, you know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like I feel like COVID is gonna see that we
Speaker 1: hit a new population milestone and be like, well, I
Speaker 1: saw them hit eight billion, and I took that personnel.
Speaker 1: I saw that, and I was like, I might come back.
Speaker 1: And by the way, I get now why the United
Speaker 1: Nations never actually does anything. Yeah, people are like, can
Speaker 1: you maybe stop the war in Ukraine? And they're like, sorry,
Speaker 1: we're kind of busy. Seven billion, two hundred million and
Speaker 1: one seven billion, two undred million and two seven billion,
Speaker 1: and a lot of people, a lot of people are
Speaker 1: worried that eight billion people is too much and that
Speaker 1: we need some way to control overpopulation. Although I find
Speaker 1: it interesting that those people never think of themselves as
Speaker 1: part of the problem. There's those people are like, there's
Speaker 1: two crowded. We gotta get rid of some of these people.
Speaker 1: You're like, how about you your people? No, not not me.
Speaker 1: I met like China or something. Come on, how are
Speaker 1: you talking about And Honestly, I don't think it's a problem. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think it's a myth. I think we can handle
Speaker 1: the Earth's population if we just do a better job
Speaker 1: of distributing its resources. Right. But but if if we
Speaker 1: are going to reduce the population, I think the smartest
Speaker 1: way to do it it's just to get rid of
Speaker 1: identical twins. Not because it's a waste, it's a complete waste. Right.
Speaker 1: We already have one of you, and it's like having
Speaker 1: two copies of the same picture on your phone just
Speaker 1: to lead one easy at least. Wait, don't don't, don't
Speaker 1: twist my words. Don't get it twisted. I don't want
Speaker 1: to hear identical twins being like, Oh, Trevor, are you
Speaker 1: saying you're gonna kill my brother? No, I'm not saying that.
Speaker 1: I'm saying you have to. The Grammy Awards yesterday, the
Speaker 1: full list of nominations was announced and Beyonce is leading
Speaker 1: the pack with nine nominations, which, amazingly which amazingly time
Speaker 1: is her with her husband Jay Z for the all
Speaker 1: time record of eighty three nominations. Yeah. Yeah, makes your
Speaker 1: hashtag marriage goals look like shit. Oh and congratulations to
Speaker 1: Amanda Gorman, the poet who got her first nomination for
Speaker 1: Best Spoken Word Album's pretty amenable to. Congratulations to her
Speaker 1: and to Joe Biden, who got a nomination for Best
Speaker 1: We Think Those Are the Words Album. Well done, sir
Speaker 1: well then. In tech news, Elon Musk is continuing his
Speaker 1: makeover of Twitter by telling employees that from now on,
Speaker 1: the work environment will be quote extremely hardcore. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: they should prepare themselves. But if anyone insults him, he'll
Speaker 1: call his mommy and fire them. That's not hardcore, it's
Speaker 1: just me. And by the way, I don't know if
Speaker 1: he can afford to fire any more employees, and he's
Speaker 1: already fired half of the company. Pretty soon, you Musk
Speaker 1: is gonna be the only one working at Twitter. We're
Speaker 1: gonna be sitting there like, why haven't my tweets up
Speaker 1: there of like twenty minutes and you know, and be
Speaker 1: like sorry, I was taking a ship. It was so hardcore,
Speaker 1: all right? Where was I? Oh? In international news, NATO
Speaker 1: has announced that the stray missiles that hit Poland yesterday
Speaker 1: were not fired by Russia after all, as was reported. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they were actually Ukrainian missiles being launched against Russian attackers.
Speaker 1: So the good news is that Nature doesn't have to
Speaker 1: go to war against Russia. The bad news is, you know,
Speaker 1: has to go against Ukraine. Yeah. Rules are rules, The
Speaker 1: rules are rules. I'm just glad it wasn't what we
Speaker 1: thought it was. And Poland is like we still got bombed.
Speaker 1: All right, Let's move on to the big story of
Speaker 1: the day. As you know, America's mid term election was
Speaker 1: just one week ago. The votes in many districts are
Speaker 1: still be encountered, The runoff for Georgia's Senate seats is
Speaker 1: still three weeks away, and Wolf Blitzer is still waking
Speaker 1: up in the middle of the night shouting, he writes,
Speaker 1: Alert writ Alert. My point is the mid terms are
Speaker 1: not over, which means now is the perfect time to
Speaker 1: start covering the election. There have been so many times
Speaker 1: over the last two years when people have said that
Speaker 1: Donald jobless Trump was finished for sure. You know. They
Speaker 1: said he was finished when he lost to an ancient artifact.
Speaker 1: They said he was finished when he was impeached for
Speaker 1: throwing a house party without his parents permission, when he
Speaker 1: got his hands stuck under the fridge trying to get
Speaker 1: a Cadbury cream egg that rolled underneath. That just let
Speaker 1: go of the egg. Donald I don't think people don't
Speaker 1: realize that Donald Trump doesn't care what anyone else thinks
Speaker 1: about his political future. And you saw that last night
Speaker 1: because he swapped out the buffet table at mar Logo
Speaker 1: for American flags and made a big announcement on stage
Speaker 1: at the South Florida's State Donald Trump announcing the White
Speaker 1: House run he's hinted at ever since his election defeat,
Speaker 1: in order to make America graded glorious again. I am
Speaker 1: tonight dennouncing my candidacy for President of the United States.
Speaker 1: The former president impeached twice, including for his role in
Speaker 1: the January six insurrection, placing himself at the head of
Speaker 1: a movement to take power back for his supporters. This
Speaker 1: is our country. Our government now at the center of
Speaker 1: multiple investigations. Mr Trump said a weaponized justice system is
Speaker 1: the greatest threat to the US. We must conduct a
Speaker 1: top to bottom overhaul to clean out the festering rod
Speaker 1: and corruption of Washington, d C. And I'm a victim.
Speaker 1: I will tell you I'm a victim. That's right, folks.
Speaker 1: I'm the biggest victim of all. Every time I do
Speaker 1: something illegal, they come after me. I've done thirty illegal things.
Speaker 1: They've come after me at least twenty times. It's so unfair.
Speaker 1: So I'm there, you know, as ridiculous as this is,
Speaker 1: I'm actually glad he's being honest about why he's running.
Speaker 1: He's running for the same reason every at last gown
Speaker 1: cops runs. The popo was chasing him, he said it.
Speaker 1: But this, this is what Trump does. He's always the victim,
Speaker 1: the poor billionaire who only owns fifteen golf courses and
Speaker 1: got to run the world's most powerful country for four years.
Speaker 1: Oh whoa is me? If Trump was a prince in
Speaker 1: a fairy tale, the movie would suck and the princess
Speaker 1: would never get saved. Yeah, the dwarfs would be like, please,
Speaker 1: we need you to save snow White, and He's like,
Speaker 1: who's gonna save me? Do you know how many scares
Speaker 1: right in my castle? I'm so tired. You know how
Speaker 1: hard it is to pick from the lavish banquet my
Speaker 1: service prepared for me. I'd be like, but she's poisoned
Speaker 1: to eternal sleep, and be like, I wish I could sleep.
Speaker 1: You know how hard it is to get comfortable in
Speaker 1: a bed of coins so high? But that's right, Trump
Speaker 1: is getting the old team back together for one more
Speaker 1: run at the White House. And of course I say
Speaker 1: that metaphorically, since most of the old team is in jail.
Speaker 1: The point is, though he's officially in the race, and
Speaker 1: you have to admit this is an interesting way to
Speaker 1: kick off your presidential campaign. Vote for me. I'm a
Speaker 1: whiney piss baby, because that's what most of his speech
Speaker 1: was about. And apparently he's not the only victim. No.
Speaker 1: According to the Donalds, running America into the ground was
Speaker 1: also very hard on his family. And it hasn't been
Speaker 1: a joy ride for our great first lady either. I
Speaker 1: go home and he says, you look angry and upset.
Speaker 1: I said, just leave me alone. I got hasn't been
Speaker 1: the easiest thing. In fact, my one boy, stand up, Eric.
Speaker 1: I think he got more subpoenas than any man in
Speaker 1: the history of our country. So unfair al Capone, you've
Speaker 1: heard of the great gangster. Al Capone got far less.
Speaker 1: Billy the Kid got almost done, Jesse James. Now Eric
Speaker 1: Trump got more subpoenas. He's he's a PhD in subpoena
Speaker 1: as they come from Congress. They Yeah, that's right. No
Speaker 1: one suffered more from the Trump presidency than the Trump
Speaker 1: family while the rest of you were living it up
Speaker 1: in your border cages and enjoying an endless buffet of
Speaker 1: COVID Eric Trump was being asked to answer some questions
Speaker 1: what a hard life and look, to be fair, I
Speaker 1: will admit that Eric has gotten more subpoenas than gunslingers
Speaker 1: like Billy the Kid and Jesse James and those guys
Speaker 1: in the Wild West. Well, they got a lot of
Speaker 1: subpoenas you know, we've all seen the movies. I have
Speaker 1: papers for Mr Ugly? Is Mr Ugly here? You know what?
Speaker 1: You guys look busy? Uh will come back later. And
Speaker 1: by the way, by the way, that that story that
Speaker 1: he told that Trump told about him and Millannia was
Speaker 1: was anyone else as surprised as I was to hear
Speaker 1: it was Trump telling Millannia to leave him alone. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Milannia was probably like, oh, no, anything but that. I'll
Speaker 1: give you some space, how about forever. Now you might
Speaker 1: be thinking the speech probably sucked, right because you're not
Speaker 1: a fan of Donald Trump. But it turns out even
Speaker 1: the people who were there to see him I didn't
Speaker 1: exactly want to stay. Trump has played a fraction of
Speaker 1: his energy. The speech ran twice as long as scheduled,
Speaker 1: and for long stretches left his crowd restless and silent.
Speaker 1: This was teleprompter Trump low energy, very very unusual. He
Speaker 1: started to get bored and started to I'd live and
Speaker 1: it just turned into a rambling mess. In my opinion, candidly,
Speaker 1: he was quite subdued, low energy. I thought this feature
Speaker 1: to night was lame. I thought the crowd was lame.
Speaker 1: Reporters inside the ballroom at Marl Logo noticed a handful
Speaker 1: of Trump supporters attempting to leave before Trump was done speaking,
Speaker 1: but security won't let them. Oh damn, say what you
Speaker 1: will about Trump, but the man takes these bought a
Speaker 1: security Seriously, nobody's getting out. We're gonna build a wall,
Speaker 1: build a wall, keep them in. But for really, you know,
Speaker 1: a club is shitty when you need a bouncer to
Speaker 1: keep people in. That's where you know things are not
Speaker 1: going well. And actually feel bad for the crowd. They're
Speaker 1: probably scared as hell. They're like, oh no, we're trapped
Speaker 1: in here. Trump has us locked up. He's locked us up,
Speaker 1: He's locked us and you know Trump aside, I will say,
Speaker 1: I will say it is a little strange. I'll be honest,
Speaker 1: I think it is a little strange that so many
Speaker 1: people in the news media with fixated on how boring
Speaker 1: the speech was, Like who cares. For years they were like,
Speaker 1: this is not normal, and now they're like, this is
Speaker 1: two normal. Say say something about the Mexicans. We need ratings.
Speaker 1: Donald Now, despite Trump's triumphant return, the world on the
Speaker 1: streets is that he might not have the support that
Speaker 1: he needs to win. Apparently Republican elites are clamoring for
Speaker 1: Roondo Sanctis all right, So major Republican donors have announced
Speaker 1: that they won't back Trump this time, even if Anka
Speaker 1: released a statement saying she doesn't want to be a
Speaker 1: part of the campaign. Instead, she wants to focus on
Speaker 1: her family, which of course I understand. I mean, she's
Speaker 1: got that adorable little boy at home, and I think
Speaker 1: she has kids, you know. So, Yeah, a lot of
Speaker 1: major players in the Republican world are not thrilled that
Speaker 1: Donald Trump is running again, although apparently many Democrats are happy. Yeah,
Speaker 1: including people like Anie Sanders, who said Trump running maybe
Speaker 1: a horror show for the country. But I've got to
Speaker 1: say that as a politician who wants to see that
Speaker 1: no Republican is elected to the White House. In from
Speaker 1: that perspective, his candidacy is probably a good thing. And yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, Bernie, Bernie's probably rights. Democrats should be praying
Speaker 1: for Donald Trump to win the nomination so that they
Speaker 1: can easily crush him in the general election. Yeah, that
Speaker 1: kind of thinking has never horribly backfired. Just ask President
Speaker 1: Hillary Clinton what could go wrong? But for real, people,
Speaker 1: are we really gonna do this again? We're gonna do
Speaker 1: everything they say. The Democrats are gonna hope to face Trump.
Speaker 1: The media is gonna write him off because Republicans don't
Speaker 1: support him. Forgetting that Republicans didn't support him the first time.
Speaker 1: Then he got on stage roasted Chris Christie. Slap jib
Speaker 1: were so hard his whole family felt it. And then
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, the whole Republican Party was like,
Speaker 1: you are our king now and Ted Cluzer's wife is ugly.
Speaker 1: And before you say, but this time is diff we
Speaker 1: beat him already. Yet, remember that he only lost to
Speaker 1: Joe Biden by forty four thousand votes, and that was
Speaker 1: during a pandemic where Trump told everyone to bleach their lungs.
Speaker 1: He's probably not gonna do that again, probably, and you're
Speaker 1: probably like, yeah, but but this year all of Trump's
Speaker 1: maga election deniers lost. Yeah, but they lost by one percent.
Speaker 1: Those are not round and find out margins, people, Those
Speaker 1: are the kind of margins. Way, if anything is a
Speaker 1: little bit different next time, Trump could win those states,
Speaker 1: gas prices could be higher, the economy could be worse.
Speaker 1: Joe Biden could keep getting older. Anything is possible. But no,
Speaker 1: I guess everyone's going to act out the same roles
Speaker 1: as the Democrats are gonna hope he wins. Republicans aren't
Speaker 1: gonna stand up to him until it's too late, and
Speaker 1: the news will give him live coverage for every single
Speaker 1: word that he utters. I just pooped again, breaking news.
Speaker 1: But I'll tell you what, if we're all going to
Speaker 1: do the same things again, just let me know now,
Speaker 1: because this time I'll be prepared. I'll go visit all
Speaker 1: the ship whole countries before the borders are closed. I'll
Speaker 1: invest in tiki torches, and best believe, I'm gonna stock
Speaker 1: up on a ship tunnel of toilet paper because I'm
Speaker 1: not using my socks again. You hear me, That is
Speaker 1: not happening again. The moon a k A Ashley Earth.
Speaker 1: The last time humans set foot on it was seventy two,
Speaker 1: but now we might finally be getting a sequel. NASA
Speaker 1: going back to the Moon for the first time in
Speaker 1: five decades, launching the most powerful rocket in the world
Speaker 1: into space, kicking off its high stakes Artemus one mission.
Speaker 1: This is a test flight with test dummies, but if
Speaker 1: this succeeds, astronauts could do the same in two years,
Speaker 1: and NASA says that this really opens the door to
Speaker 1: a whole new world of space exploration. The long term
Speaker 1: goal here is to set up a base on the
Speaker 1: Moon where people can actually live. Yes, unlike Crypto, we
Speaker 1: are actually going to the Moon. And before you hate
Speaker 1: us not saying, oh, do we already need to go
Speaker 1: back to the Moon, Yes we do. Of course we do.
Speaker 1: Alder and left his keys up there. Dud's been locked
Speaker 1: out of his house for fifty three years. And you know,
Speaker 1: I'll think it wouldn't it be funny if when we
Speaker 1: got back up there, we find out that the original
Speaker 1: astronauts and a bunch of crazy ship that they can
Speaker 1: tell us about, like the new Astronauts step out and
Speaker 1: there's a bunch of moon babies that looked like Neil
Speaker 1: Armstrong and it's just like daddy. You'll find it back
Speaker 1: from your trip to against cigarettes, like, wait, why are
Speaker 1: you still babies? Now? As much as I love space travel,
Speaker 1: and I really do, my one issue with NASA is
Speaker 1: why do they keep using Greek names? Huh? This program
Speaker 1: is Artomous. The old one was Apollo. Why does NASA's
Speaker 1: update things you know? Name rockets? Off to today's mythical heroes. Everyone,
Speaker 1: we're sending Artemus to the moon. Ball rang everyone, We're
Speaker 1: sending John Wick to the moon. Now, if we had
Speaker 1: more time, we could talk about whether humans should be
Speaker 1: going anywhere in the universe, given the that we can't
Speaker 1: even get COVID under control down here, because if we're
Speaker 1: not careful, we might turn into the con Cristodors of
Speaker 1: the Solar System, right, just like is there life on Mars?
Speaker 1: There was, But we don't have time to talk about
Speaker 1: life forms in space because there are some new life
Speaker 1: forms coming to Congress. How Speaker Nancy Pelosi just said
Speaker 1: that she will not seek a leadership position in the
Speaker 1: new Congress. Her announcement comes after Republicans one control of
Speaker 1: the House of our Presentatives in the midterm elections. With
Speaker 1: great confidence in our caucus, I will not seek reelection
Speaker 1: to Democratic leadership in the next Congress. Yes, that's right.
Speaker 1: It is a new era in Congress. Nancy Pelosi is
Speaker 1: stepping down and Republicans have officially one control of the House.
Speaker 1: And this time they did it without shooting on the floor.
Speaker 1: That's growth, that is growth. And you know, Kevin McCarthy
Speaker 1: might be happy right now. You know that he's he
Speaker 1: could replace Nancy Pelosi next year speak of the House.
Speaker 1: But remember remember half of his caucus believe in Jewish
Speaker 1: space lasers that stole the election using Venezuelan in control.
Speaker 1: So good luck to him controlling them. Yeah, he's gonna
Speaker 1: be trying to get more tax cuts for corporations. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: they'll be like, Boa, we want a subpoenut hunter of
Speaker 1: Biden's pains, bring it here. Put that paenis on their rolls.
Speaker 1: And you know, Republicans are finally gonna learn that being
Speaker 1: in charge brings its own sets of promises. You know,
Speaker 1: you've got it. You've got to deliver. You know, you
Speaker 1: have to deliver on your campaign promises. That's that's a
Speaker 1: challenge and was the number one issue that they campaigned
Speaker 1: on Joe Biden, and now that they want voters will
Speaker 1: be expecting them to Joe Viden. They have to do it.
Speaker 1: They have to go through the steps they said it
Speaker 1: not me. Yeah, they're gonna have to possibility to ask
Speaker 1: him out. They're gonna have to agree, you know, on
Speaker 1: the restaurant to take him out too. And then when
Speaker 1: they take him home, they're gonna have to listen to
Speaker 1: his stories before he lets them smash. They're gonna see
Speaker 1: a people never tell you about the time I was
Speaker 1: him about the pool marriage A great time. It's nigger. Yeah,
Speaker 1: good luck keeping her heart on through of that. Republicans. Now,
Speaker 1: if we had more time, we could talk more about
Speaker 1: all the news coming out of America's politics. For instance,
Speaker 1: we could talk about the Senate moving closer to protecting
Speaker 1: gay marriage. Finally, oh, we could talk about Telling Best
Speaker 1: becoming Ali's first female man. We could talk about him
Speaker 1: the next Seeker of the House will be able to
Speaker 1: beat Nancy Pelosi's high school on the stock market. But
Speaker 1: we don't have the time for that because there's one
Speaker 1: man who God forbid, might be joining these people in
Speaker 1: the Capitol, and boy, is he gonna be bringing the
Speaker 1: greatest hits watching this movie called Friday Night for to
Speaker 1: Night and some kind of night, but it was about vampires.
Speaker 1: But I'm gonna tell you something that I found out
Speaker 1: a ware wolf could kill a vampire. Did you know that?
Speaker 1: I never knew that. So I didn't want to be
Speaker 1: a vampire the more I want to be aware of wolf.
Speaker 1: So I'm watching my TV, these kids watching dead TV.
Speaker 1: That got jumped in front of this hole a world,
Speaker 1: threw it on the vampire forehead. He covered his eye,
Speaker 1: then he took his hand away. He started last don't work.
Speaker 1: He took the carls he put it on the vampire forehead,
Speaker 1: and the vampire didn't even do anything. He said, that
Speaker 1: don't work. That's way. It isn't our life. It ain't
Speaker 1: even working unless you got faith. You gotta have faith
Speaker 1: in this country. You gotta have faith in this in
Speaker 1: the elected officials. And right now that's the reason I'm here.
Speaker 1: Step aside. Gettysburger dress America has been your greatest speech
Speaker 1: of all time, because you tell me, the last time
Speaker 1: you heard the speech about vampires werewolves, faith, politics and garlic. Huh.
Speaker 1: And I don't know if herschel Walker should be a U. S. Senator,
Speaker 1: but he should definitely be elected as America's official movie reviewer.
Speaker 1: Did you hear that? I want to watch that movie.
Speaker 1: I don't even know what it was. He should do
Speaker 1: this for every movie. Y'all seen the Little Mommaid. This
Speaker 1: was more of the fish, but then her boyfriend do
Speaker 1: it for in the Old Ship, and because of an
Speaker 1: octive push, she lost that voice. And we need a
Speaker 1: new voice in Washington, and now that Little Mermaid is black.
Speaker 1: Before we go, I just want to remind you please
Speaker 1: consider donating to Forgotten Harvest. They collect food surpluses from
Speaker 1: grocery stores, markets, restaurants, and caters and they delivered free
Speaker 1: of charge to emergency food providers in the metro Detroit area.
Speaker 1: So if you can support them and they work, then
Speaker 1: please donates at the link below. What's the Daily Show
Speaker 1: weeknights at eleven tenth Central on Comedy Central and stream
Speaker 1: full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a
Speaker 1: Comedy Central podcast.