Speaker 1: Kira Knightly has the same speaking voice as Sean Connery,
Speaker 1: so it's like she's Sean Connery on HRT. It's like,
Speaker 1: you have no shunch, you have no decency. My timbers
Speaker 1: are shivering, My timbers shivering, my deck pooped, my boot strapped,
Speaker 1: blank wad mama. Okay, not that I'm so mad at that.
Speaker 1: Everyone grab an orange so you don't get scurvy. Because
Speaker 1: today we're talking all things pirates, specifically the iconic film
Speaker 1: franchise Pirates of the Caribbean, and we're gonna be talking
Speaker 1: all about Kira Knightley, Orlando Loom and like kind of
Speaker 1: Johnny Depp even though we don't support him obviously, and
Speaker 1: we're going to talk all about pirate culture adventure movies
Speaker 1: of the early two thousands and give you all of
Speaker 1: our opinions at hot takes, because this is like a
Speaker 1: Virgin the show where we give yesterday's pop culture today's takes.
Speaker 1: I'm ros damn you, and I'm Fran Toronto. Yes, I
Speaker 1: know we said that we were taking a break for
Speaker 1: two weeks, um, but then we decided that, you know,
Speaker 1: we wanted to go pirate around and pillage a little
Speaker 1: bit longer, just a little longer, So hang in there.
Speaker 1: So this week's episode will not have a news segment.
Speaker 1: That's fine, just like contemporary of them. Yeah, just go
Speaker 1: on Twitter and see what's going on. Yeah, and we'll
Speaker 1: be back with regular episode format sooner than you know
Speaker 1: it next week. And barring unforeseen circumstances, well, you know,
Speaker 1: let's make any promises we can't keep. Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, our dean man on a dead them
Speaker 1: stressed fifteen loads on a dead thus stressed more like Rose.
Speaker 1: You have said, as you often say about many, many,
Speaker 1: many films, this is today to today. Shut up, shut up,
Speaker 1: you're so predicted. Today we are today. We are discussing
Speaker 1: day were the greatest movie ever created, ever made, According
Speaker 1: to Kay, the greatest movie. You know exactly what I
Speaker 1: was going to say, I know, who did I say
Speaker 1: a lot? That's something something we're talking about is the
Speaker 1: best movie ever made, the best you know what? You
Speaker 1: also say a lot of this. You know what, you
Speaker 1: also say a lot this clarification around the greatest movie
Speaker 1: ever the movie, the movie we are discussing today is
Speaker 1: legitimately in my list of my top ten films of
Speaker 1: all time. I know that I know that much as true.
Speaker 1: But that's not what you say. You say that this
Speaker 1: is the greatest film ever made. Yeah, well, like is
Speaker 1: you know, I wouldn't argue with well, like, Pirates of
Speaker 1: the Caribbean. Curse of the Black Pearl is better than
Speaker 1: Gone with the Wind, better than Citizen Kane, better than Casablanca.
Speaker 1: But I don't think anybody would argue with that, better
Speaker 1: than Titanic. Maybe all those movies are very I mean, okay,
Speaker 1: name a movie and I'll tell you those. Pirates of
Speaker 1: the Caribbean's better. Um Schindler's list. I knew you were
Speaker 1: inn Sationler's Lists of the Caribbean's Okay, twelve years of
Speaker 1: Slave better, I've never seen it. Pirates is the best
Speaker 1: Holocaust movie ever made, the best disaster movie ever made,
Speaker 1: the best social justice movie ever made, the best movie
Speaker 1: ever made about general conforming people. Truly. Okay, I want
Speaker 1: to be clear about some thing. We are talking about
Speaker 1: the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, but we are mostly
Speaker 1: talking about the first film, which is like kind of
Speaker 1: like the only film that I recognize. Wow, so you
Speaker 1: don't love that. I do like the second one, the
Speaker 1: fourth one, sucks. The fifth one we will not discuss.
Speaker 1: I don't even know there was a fifth one. Also,
Speaker 1: I want to give you know, the caveat that. I
Speaker 1: understand it's very complicated to talk about Johnny Depp in two.
Speaker 1: We do not support him, but this is his best performance.
Speaker 1: But this is, yeah, one of his best performances. You
Speaker 1: wouldn't say his best performance. What would be a contender
Speaker 1: for Johnny Edwards. I like acquieter Johnny depp performance, but
Speaker 1: that is a it's a great role. But you know,
Speaker 1: art from the artist, as we always say, not not
Speaker 1: what we're talking about Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp sucks, but
Speaker 1: we will be talking about him a lot. But but
Speaker 1: his art as an actor is I think, you know,
Speaker 1: chuckle lot Ross, you know, oh my god, I really
Speaker 1: want to watch a lot. I need someone to watch
Speaker 1: a lot with me. I can't watch alone. You want
Speaker 1: to watch I bring it up every time we hang out.
Speaker 1: Every time hang out or go on vacation, You're like,
Speaker 1: what do we woke a lot? Do you want to
Speaker 1: be bad? Like we could be like one? But I
Speaker 1: think that's actually happened when we were like we're okay,
Speaker 1: and you're like let's watch choke a lot. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: so let's just like go back here to talk about
Speaker 1: what are this is a very our generation movie. In fact,
Speaker 1: I would say that Pirates of the Caribbean is like
Speaker 1: one of the movies to define millennial early as culture
Speaker 1: and everything that would follow in action franchises and the
Speaker 1: care nightly of it all, in the Orlando bloom of
Speaker 1: it all. And honestly, like I do feel like it
Speaker 1: played a major part in was my uh I guess,
Speaker 1: like like most people growing up on Tumbler in the
Speaker 1: early odds, my obsession with nautical adventure culture and stories um,
Speaker 1: and I feel like that escapism that came with Pirates
Speaker 1: being at sea and all that jazz was something that
Speaker 1: has always been a part of my ethos. And you know,
Speaker 1: funnily enough, Pirates were never really a thing for me
Speaker 1: growing up except m a Treasure Island, which we will
Speaker 1: discuss later on in the episode. But the Pirates of
Speaker 1: the Caribbean ride at Disney is one of my favorite
Speaker 1: Disney rides. And we have to, you know, to put
Speaker 1: this woman context, Like, we have to talk about the
Speaker 1: fact that it is a movie that is based on
Speaker 1: a ride at a theme park, which I did not know.
Speaker 1: You broke that news to me. I had no idea.
Speaker 1: Crazy that you didn't know that I had never been
Speaker 1: to disney Land World. I had I had like only
Speaker 1: as a kid, like as like a five or six
Speaker 1: year old, had I been And I couldn't go on
Speaker 1: this scary ride. So I had no idea. And yeah,
Speaker 1: parts of the so parts of the Caribbean the ride is, um,
Speaker 1: what are um? You know? Our theme park expert Matt
Speaker 1: Rogers would call it dark ride, UM where you're like
Speaker 1: in a moving vehicle and going through like different kind
Speaker 1: of dioramas and like little scene jump scares. And the
Speaker 1: ride opened in nineteen seven and the movie sixty seven.
Speaker 1: The film premiered in two thousand three, So it took
Speaker 1: about thirty five years to make this movie. Um, And
Speaker 1: where were we culturally when Pirates of the Caribbean came out?
Speaker 1: So I guess like this is the era of the
Speaker 1: Harry Potter movies coming out, rampant, big franchises, big. This
Speaker 1: was definitely the era of kind of the the boom
Speaker 1: in blockbuster movie franchises, fantasies specifically right like Chronicles and
Speaker 1: Narnia Skyrocket and up like, I mean they saw a
Speaker 1: Lord of the Rings, they were like, get Chronicles a
Speaker 1: Narnia out there. Immediately. Disney probably wanted to get in
Speaker 1: on the action in some way, and so they looked
Speaker 1: at their existing I P. And we're like, what can
Speaker 1: we adopt as we are as they are want to do?
Speaker 1: You know? Every quarter they're like, let's look at old
Speaker 1: things we've already done. And I don't think this thing
Speaker 1: of adapting a theme park attraction into a film had
Speaker 1: ever been done before. I wonder like what came first,
Speaker 1: the chicken or the egg? I wonder if they were like, oh,
Speaker 1: what if we did a Pirates movie? What if it's
Speaker 1: based on our really popular ride, or if they were like,
Speaker 1: what if we make a movie out of a ride,
Speaker 1: Let's do a Pirate movie. So who knows, but Pirates
Speaker 1: of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl is,
Speaker 1: to my mind, a perfect film. M H. I agreed.
Speaker 1: I actually agree it is a perfect film. And um,
Speaker 1: it cannot be understated that it is a staple in
Speaker 1: bisexual culture, specifically because if because if you're by you
Speaker 1: have no choice but to be attracted to both Orlando
Speaker 1: Bloom and care Knightley as I was and still am
Speaker 1: as I wasn't still am. I mean, Orlando Bloom is
Speaker 1: aging so well. I mean, he looks so good right now,
Speaker 1: and Katy Perry is a lucky man um woman. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, Katy Woman. Like, yeah, Orlando Bloom looks just
Speaker 1: as good in this movie as he does, know and
Speaker 1: like in very different ways obviously, Like in this movie
Speaker 1: he's giving swashbuckling waif vibes and now he's like, that's
Speaker 1: a man, Marie, and it's all working for me. I
Speaker 1: really feel like he is like one of the last
Speaker 1: great heart throbs of the Lady nineties early ads, like
Speaker 1: because you have the one to punch of this and
Speaker 1: Lord of the Rings kind of at the same time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And honestly, like heart because of social media, like everyone's
Speaker 1: a heartthrob now and therefore no one is, so we
Speaker 1: don't have that kind of concentration around that. The most
Speaker 1: suit point. I actually I've been seeing a lot of
Speaker 1: conversation about that in terms of fashion and like trends,
Speaker 1: about how everything is trending right now, so that means
Speaker 1: nothing is trending, And I think you're right and that
Speaker 1: it applies to people too, and that like, you know,
Speaker 1: we obviously they're still like we have like the Twitter
Speaker 1: white boy of the months, like currently it's that guy
Speaker 1: from the Bear right right, But those are not It's
Speaker 1: not the same level. Orlando Bloom was an institution in
Speaker 1: pop culture in a way that like men simply are
Speaker 1: not now. I think maybe someone now, Harry Styles comes close,
Speaker 1: But like I was just about to say, I feel, yeah,
Speaker 1: like they don't make them like the Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Speaker 1: is of the world anymore. And I you know, I
Speaker 1: think Orlando was like the direct successor to Leomania. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I wonder. I do agree that Harry Styles is the
Speaker 1: only person in my mind that is reminiscent of like
Speaker 1: you know, Tiger Beat era heartthrob culture. The only one,
Speaker 1: the only the one I could think of was like
Speaker 1: Shawn Mendez. But he feels I mean, I just don't
Speaker 1: think there's anything sexy about him at all. And I
Speaker 1: also don't think that he has the same Yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't think he has the same appeal either. Um, but
Speaker 1: Harry still has exactly what we look for in a
Speaker 1: heartthrob um. And Orlando, I mean, this is his legacy
Speaker 1: and I want him to be in more movies like
Speaker 1: where did He Go? Why he? He actually was in
Speaker 1: this Amazon series called Carnival. Oh, I want to say,
Speaker 1: Miss Carney. No, it's him and Kara Delavine Jumped scare
Speaker 1: Um and it's a fantasy show where Kara Delavine's a
Speaker 1: fairy um and he's like a detected It's it was
Speaker 1: actually pretty good. I I liked it, but I don't
Speaker 1: think it's I think it was renewed, but I doubt
Speaker 1: a second season is getting made. I do want to say,
Speaker 1: like I instantly loved this movie when it came out,
Speaker 1: and like loved seeing it in theaters. But where this
Speaker 1: movie really sunk its teeth into me was when it
Speaker 1: came out on DVD, because I this is something sick
Speaker 1: and twisted that I did I And I think I
Speaker 1: talked about this before that, like when when I was
Speaker 1: a teenager, because this is kind of like how I
Speaker 1: was conditioned. Like my mom always fell asleep with the
Speaker 1: TV on, so like that's kind of how I used
Speaker 1: to fall asleep when I was a teenager too, And
Speaker 1: like I've suffered like a life not long battle with
Speaker 1: insomnia and so like having the TV on was just
Speaker 1: kind of like a distraction, and for I would say
Speaker 1: probably like a year, I fell asleep with Pirates of
Speaker 1: the Caribbean on every night, and not just Pirates of
Speaker 1: the Caribbean, but specifically the DVD commentary track with with
Speaker 1: herea Nightly and the guy who plays Norrington Jack Davenport,
Speaker 1: who I'm pretty sure is gay, I r L maybe
Speaker 1: or at least no, you know what, it's not that
Speaker 1: he's gay, it's that he played, which I found out
Speaker 1: later when I finally watched it, Matt Damon's love interest
Speaker 1: in the talented Mr Ripley, so he has kind of
Speaker 1: a gay vibe, and he and Kira in this DVD
Speaker 1: commentary track, which like, I need to find some way
Speaker 1: to watch it with that again because like obviously I
Speaker 1: don't have DVDs. I like, I don't have a disk
Speaker 1: drive anywhere, but he and Kira just have this very
Speaker 1: really like really good banter on this commentary track, and
Speaker 1: it was so soothing. I guess it was kind of
Speaker 1: like listening to a podcast in a way I was
Speaker 1: gonna I was just about to say, it's very like
Speaker 1: a SMR podcast. A lot of people use podcast to
Speaker 1: fall asleep these days because you know, they're so bar
Speaker 1: I did last night r I P DVD commentary like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, he was married to Michelle Gomez, so
Speaker 1: he wasn't gay, not gay allegedly I missed DVD commentary.
Speaker 1: I I think, I you know, in the long run,
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, art doesn't need to be It's
Speaker 1: kind of distracting. It might not be necessarily true to
Speaker 1: the art to like have all that context around it.
Speaker 1: It's kind of like cheating to me. But I do
Speaker 1: think that we should as a culture find a way
Speaker 1: to do a version of that in contemporary times. I'm
Speaker 1: thinking about the well podcasts do that, Like now there's
Speaker 1: this whole boom right now of the stars of old
Speaker 1: TV shows going back and rewatching them and doing podcast
Speaker 1: episodes about them or movies like two of the Twilight
Speaker 1: stars have a podcast where they talk about Twilight. Um,
Speaker 1: I know they're like One Tree Hill. Isn't there a
Speaker 1: Redcap podcast that you've talked about before? That Sophia book? Anyways,
Speaker 1: back to the Kira of it all. She is seventeen
Speaker 1: when she was she was seventeen when she was Cash.
Speaker 1: She's eighteen in this film. She looks thirty four. Like
Speaker 1: she she is. Look I'm not sure she has always
Speaker 1: looked yes, I'm not saying that as an insult. She
Speaker 1: has always looked like a full grown woman. It's so
Speaker 1: jarring to me to learn that she was eighteen. Um,
Speaker 1: but she in this and she's good. She's perfect for
Speaker 1: the genre. She is Queen of Courset's she is and
Speaker 1: I love how much is like part of the plot
Speaker 1: because the whole reason that she faints and falls into
Speaker 1: the ocean and like jump starts the plot of the
Speaker 1: movie is because of corset is too tight. We like
Speaker 1: a virgin, love any corset, poline. My favorite sequence in
Speaker 1: the film is, I mean, obviously it's are you best
Speaker 1: to start believing in ghost stories? You're in one? Like
Speaker 1: that whole scene where she's like having dinner with Barbosa
Speaker 1: and then she runs out and sees the pirates, Like
Speaker 1: turning in the moonlight is the best part of the movie,
Speaker 1: and like it gives me chills every time the graphics
Speaker 1: at the time, like I was terrified. Also the scene
Speaker 1: where they I think towards the end of the movie
Speaker 1: where they're like sneaking up on the like armada and
Speaker 1: so they're walking on the ocean floor at Skeletons so good,
Speaker 1: so compelling, so creative cinematic invention, and like one of
Speaker 1: my favorite sequences is um the first sword fight between
Speaker 1: Orlando and Captain Jack Sparrow in the Blacksmith's kind of
Speaker 1: like Barn. It is such a well choreographed fight. It's
Speaker 1: like so in the canon of like you know that
Speaker 1: kind of action movie, and damn, it's just like I
Speaker 1: kind of I mean, it's almost like I think a
Speaker 1: lot about like what happened to action movies because they
Speaker 1: are every summer, the blockbusters that we go out to see,
Speaker 1: and yet every time I walk out of the theater
Speaker 1: of an action movie, with some exceptions, like something like
Speaker 1: everything everywhere all at once, it's like I am really
Speaker 1: desensitized to the action. I'm exhausted by the repetitiveness or
Speaker 1: the formulaic nature of actions, especially if they come from
Speaker 1: the m c u I, and like there's no it's
Speaker 1: there's no way to track things, and it all just
Speaker 1: becomes this sort of like like splat of of things
Speaker 1: going on on the screen and none of it has
Speaker 1: any like weight or like there's no like tactle nous
Speaker 1: to it, and so seeing people like real people fighting
Speaker 1: with swords. Like there is just something I think that
Speaker 1: will always be more compelling than the biggest you know
Speaker 1: c g I fight scene because like the you know,
Speaker 1: the end of Avengers end game is just like all
Speaker 1: green screen, and so because of that, it just like
Speaker 1: it's so easy to zone out during it because it
Speaker 1: almost has this like hypnotic quality, like it's like playing
Speaker 1: video game. Yeah. And something else is like a lot
Speaker 1: of action movies these days are all based on you
Speaker 1: know existing I P and you know that's the Pirates
Speaker 1: of the Caribbean. Well, I was gonna say it's usually
Speaker 1: like based on another movie, like a movie that came
Speaker 1: out ten years ago, or another TV show or what ever. Um,
Speaker 1: but because they had to fully fabricate a plot, characters
Speaker 1: like set up, it is an original film, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. And there the ride like there's a
Speaker 1: little there's a little Easter eggs, but you know, they
Speaker 1: invented this story and it's actually like a really interesting
Speaker 1: compelling story of you know, like the stolen gold and
Speaker 1: the curse and like you know they have to get
Speaker 1: the like you know that Orlando is like the son
Speaker 1: of a pirate, and um, it's I think it's just
Speaker 1: such a it's such a good story. It's like very
Speaker 1: simple but twisty and funny and scary and spooky, spooky,
Speaker 1: spooky spook. They're all they actually should be. These pirates
Speaker 1: should should find, should find support ed, durry, it's homeless,
Speaker 1: not toothless charity events. Um, there's some gay representation in
Speaker 1: the movie. And of course I'm talking about pin Tell
Speaker 1: and Righetti. Who are the two pirates who like very
Speaker 1: obviously our boyfriends, you know I do. Don't they become
Speaker 1: gay and like the third one or something like that.
Speaker 1: Disney would never let them happen. Um, but well, I
Speaker 1: don't know what they to me, they are queer icons, Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean honestly, any any time there are two male
Speaker 1: characters in a film that are standing next to each
Speaker 1: other and talking, we we as an audience, have no
Speaker 1: choice but to presume them, especially if they're pirates, like
Speaker 1: but pirates, yeah, and like back in the day, like
Speaker 1: I don't know, like it's it's c law, maritime law. Well,
Speaker 1: pirates do whatever the funk they will, Like I have read,
Speaker 1: I have read enough pirate fan fiction to know that
Speaker 1: women were not allowed on boats because like superstition. I
Speaker 1: guess like they explore that in in the film. They do.
Speaker 1: And because of that, obviously the pirates were fucking and sucking.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I mean that's the only outlet they I mean,
Speaker 1: now I'm thinking once again of those teeth. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: because once you lose enough teeth, you know you are
Speaker 1: able to better gum up a dick, not come up
Speaker 1: those gums along Phoeie. Phoeie's losing it. Also, just like
Speaker 1: im like, imagine the nasty nastiness of like having anal sex,
Speaker 1: like when you've been at sea for six months. And
Speaker 1: here's the thing. All these girls got gang green. All
Speaker 1: these girls got scurvy, they've heard, they've got fleas, they've
Speaker 1: got lice, they've got dreads. They're white people with dreadlocks. Inappropriate.
Speaker 1: Um it is. It is just it does not up.
Speaker 1: You go into, you go in from it. Piss. There
Speaker 1: is a thin layer of brine piss. And this is
Speaker 1: an errand and chip residue. This is an era where
Speaker 1: people who lived on land we're only bathing like once
Speaker 1: a sea then, so imagine what people at sea without
Speaker 1: access to running water we're doing. Okay, if you were
Speaker 1: on a ship rose, Like, what what role do you
Speaker 1: think you would have liked? Are you looking on the captain?
Speaker 1: Do you really think, yeah, that's I'm either the captain
Speaker 1: or I'm dead. You wouldn't want to be like you
Speaker 1: know first, you wouldn't. You wouldn't you wouldn't want to
Speaker 1: be the coach. No, No, I'm management. I am management.
Speaker 1: I'm white collar. I I don't know. I I feel
Speaker 1: like I was really Uh, I was really obsessed with
Speaker 1: like nautical culture as a kid or not as a kid. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like I mean my first tattoo is is like this
Speaker 1: like nautical phrase hold fast. Um. Like I, I, you know,
Speaker 1: wrote an entire novel that was like a queer nautical
Speaker 1: adventure novel. I wrote my senior year thesis in college
Speaker 1: about the inclusion of gay characters and adventure narratives and
Speaker 1: talked a lot about nautical adventures. Like I was a
Speaker 1: stand and I I used to tell people that Moby
Speaker 1: Dick was like my favorite book. Um, even though it
Speaker 1: wasn't that well, no one should read that book. That
Speaker 1: book needed an editor, and it's actually says a lot
Speaker 1: about um. The fact that like I think one of
Speaker 1: the only people that really reviewed it was his like
Speaker 1: kind of Herman Melville's like boy crush, Nathaniel Hawthorne and
Speaker 1: you I mean talk about second and fucking those girls
Speaker 1: were going at it. But you know that, like you
Speaker 1: know that Herman Melville like gave this like yeah, gay
Speaker 1: Herman Melville. Okay, this sounds a little bit too much
Speaker 1: like brand Y Melville. I don't know, You've got a
Speaker 1: lot of l's in that name. He must be gay. Um, yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel like Herman you know, handed this nine page
Speaker 1: manuscript to his crush and was like do you like
Speaker 1: get you know what I mean? Like and Nathaniel Hoffin
Speaker 1: was like sure, like whatever, and then he like published,
Speaker 1: like what are passages upon passages upon passages that are
Speaker 1: basically like marine biology textbooks, like entire paragraphs about whale
Speaker 1: semen and making it into candles like she needed an editor.
Speaker 1: The kid I really wanted to be a marine biologist.
Speaker 1: Every kid wanted to be a marine biology You were
Speaker 1: you like obsessed with the ocean as a child, Yes,
Speaker 1: I think my notven though you were landlocked. Even though
Speaker 1: I was landlocked, I was obsessed with the ocean. Um.
Speaker 1: But now in present day, the d see is one
Speaker 1: of my greatest fear mine too. The deep sea in
Speaker 1: outer space, I don't think, and honestly, the ocean is scarier.
Speaker 1: I don't think there's anything in the known universe as
Speaker 1: scary as the ocean because it's not known, and also
Speaker 1: it's very close to us. It's right there outer space,
Speaker 1: very far away. Famously, are you gonna get there? How
Speaker 1: are you gonna get I don't have to worry about
Speaker 1: you speak of, you know, but exactly could literally go
Speaker 1: fall into the ocean. Yeah, if if you want to
Speaker 1: threaten me, Uh, Mama, you're hundreds of years away. I'm
Speaker 1: going to be dead by the time you get here,
Speaker 1: and this planet will be destroyed. Second of all. But
Speaker 1: like the deep sea right under our fingertips, and like
Speaker 1: what the thought of like getting on a boat and
Speaker 1: being like, I'm going to go explore this vast world
Speaker 1: full of monsters that want to kill me. No no, no,
Speaker 1: no no, and pirates like kind of capitalizes on that fear, right,
Speaker 1: But like we have I mean, let's talk about the
Speaker 1: kraken and we move exactly. We had a photo like
Speaker 1: in a people's history, we had a photo of the
Speaker 1: moon before we had a full photo of a humpback whale.
Speaker 1: Like that is like the sea is the bottom of
Speaker 1: the ocean. Just like the thought of it gives me chills.
Speaker 1: It is so terrifying, like the darkness and the pressure,
Speaker 1: not even the creatures, which like obviously are terrifying. You know.
Speaker 1: What is one of the scariest things to me from
Speaker 1: my childhood, UM that haunts me to this day is
Speaker 1: my favorite museum is the Natural History Museum in New
Speaker 1: York City. UM. And my favorite part of that museum
Speaker 1: is obviously the Hall of Marine Life where they have
Speaker 1: all the different dioramas of like different like nautical landscapes,
Speaker 1: and there's one it's like in the back in the
Speaker 1: corner and it's of the bottom of the ocean and
Speaker 1: like a giant squid wrappedor on a whale. And even
Speaker 1: just like standing there used to terrify me as a child,
Speaker 1: but also like kind of excited me. Like you know,
Speaker 1: it's like it was like pushing a bruise. It was
Speaker 1: like it hurts, but in a good way. UM. But truly,
Speaker 1: like if I, like if I was like a pirate
Speaker 1: and like fell overboard into the ocean, I would take
Speaker 1: out my my dagger, my sword and just slip my
Speaker 1: throat like it's it's it's over. It's over for me over. Yeah,
Speaker 1: do not invite me on your deep sea coral reef adventure. Okay,
Speaker 1: scuba diving, no, maam, I don't want to see it.
Speaker 1: Have you spent a lot of time on boats? I
Speaker 1: I love boats because they protect me from what, you know,
Speaker 1: whatever is inside the ocean. I do not like going
Speaker 1: into the ocean. Have you ever, like I think this
Speaker 1: is one of the most one of the things you
Speaker 1: can do as a human to feel the most like
Speaker 1: small is like um, being on a boat out at sea,
Speaker 1: and like jumping into the ocean is who I've only
Speaker 1: done it a few times in my life when I
Speaker 1: was when I was a teenager, my family we had
Speaker 1: a boat and we used to like go out into
Speaker 1: the ocean, and there were only a couple of times
Speaker 1: that I like, it's one thing to sort of like
Speaker 1: you're out with a bunch of people and you like
Speaker 1: get off the boat and kind of like paddle around
Speaker 1: the ocean. But to like jump off and you have
Speaker 1: that feeling where like you sink down and it takes
Speaker 1: a second for like the air to lift you back up,
Speaker 1: and like you can get turned around and you don't
Speaker 1: know which ways up and which ways down. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: just like just thinking about it, it's like terrifying. Drowning
Speaker 1: would be the worst way to go. Um, if you
Speaker 1: if you were Okay, let's say let's say you and
Speaker 1: I are are on a pirate ship. Okay, you are
Speaker 1: not the captain. Neither of us are the captain. We
Speaker 1: but we we feel like they're so well I'm saying that,
Speaker 1: like there's mismanagement a foot, like we don't really believe in.
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, we are going to stage a mutiny.
Speaker 1: How would we do it? Um? I think one of
Speaker 1: us we canceled the captain, We judge up some tea.
Speaker 1: We find their old tweets, No, we find their old
Speaker 1: I mean what an old timing. We find their old letters. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're like, um, well in eighteen sixty seven. No, honestly,
Speaker 1: like we fully kill them. We like, okay, so we're
Speaker 1: this is okay, this is so we are the ship.
Speaker 1: We are the horrors of the ship. We're like we
Speaker 1: are the like were they were like the painted eunuchs
Speaker 1: of the ship. Um or actually, as they would say,
Speaker 1: Harlot's hussy I think they would say, horrse um, we
Speaker 1: are the we are the bum boys trumpets if you
Speaker 1: love the ship trumpet. So what we do is like
Speaker 1: one by one we're like lowering different crew members who
Speaker 1: we who we want off. We're like luring them to
Speaker 1: like a secluded part of the ship for a little
Speaker 1: a little like you know, a little tickle tickle the
Speaker 1: little sucker, and then off and killing them. We like
Speaker 1: throw them over, split their throats, whatever, and so honestly,
Speaker 1: so we've gotten sort of like we start out with
Speaker 1: like the lower level people, than work our way up
Speaker 1: to the mid level people, and then finally we're like, um, oh, hey, captain,
Speaker 1: like do you want both of us at the same time?
Speaker 1: So we like are in the captain's chambers, we like
Speaker 1: put on a show, and then like at the moment
Speaker 1: gets a private dance, gets private private dance, and then
Speaker 1: at the moment of his climax, we tear our wigs
Speaker 1: off because obviously we're wearing wigs. I tear my wig off,
Speaker 1: and I am in non binary I'm half half because
Speaker 1: a reveal off, and we're wearing shorter wigs that are
Speaker 1: just like a little bit more unclosed, little little kitty
Speaker 1: cat wigs, little bus driver kitty catwigs. And then we
Speaker 1: killed the captain m and then we parade his corpse
Speaker 1: out to the remaining crew, who we also have gotten
Speaker 1: onto our side with sexual favors um and then we're
Speaker 1: the new captain. We're co captains. But then, unfortunately, six
Speaker 1: months later, I do kill you because I know that
Speaker 1: if your ambition was able to get you to the
Speaker 1: level where you enacted this plan with me, I can't
Speaker 1: have you on the ship because you're going to call
Speaker 1: for me eventually. The jokes on you because I made
Speaker 1: a deal with a seawitch right before I got on,
Speaker 1: and killing me will then curse you for eternity, and
Speaker 1: then I get to have my ship for eternity. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you get to have your ship for eternity. But then
Speaker 1: you'll be you'll never be sexually And I have an
Speaker 1: octopus face, just like and you have an octopus face,
Speaker 1: which you know he was hot? Oh absolutely, what was
Speaker 1: his name again, Davy Jones? Davy Jones? Yeah, hot? I
Speaker 1: mean you know that he are you? No, I can
Speaker 1: funk with it literally occasionally. There is some you know,
Speaker 1: kind of alien porn that I've seen where I'm like, not, no,
Speaker 1: I'm into like I'm into like a tentacle face tentacle dicks.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure about like multiple wriggling flesh colored dicks. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: not for me, not for me. But I would never
Speaker 1: yuck anyone's young. I would. So being a pirate is
Speaker 1: like I would say six about eyeliner. What eyeliner do
Speaker 1: you think they're wearing? I mean it's I would be
Speaker 1: too obvious to say a Pat McGrath moment, And honestly,
Speaker 1: it's a little too dirty for Pat. I feel like
Speaker 1: it's kind of an Nick's moment. It's kind of like
Speaker 1: a clumpy Nick's mascara. It's like a smudge. It's like
Speaker 1: a smudge. I would actually say, it's more it's maybe
Speaker 1: Mac like a Max smoky smudged eyeliner vibe. Well there's
Speaker 1: also you know, bandanas and and and earrings. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm literally wearing a bang and I was. I don't
Speaker 1: want to say it because it felt a little too
Speaker 1: on the nose, but like a little you are giving
Speaker 1: a little pirate right now, I am. I am. You
Speaker 1: know all these yohoho, indeed, all these pirates, though we're
Speaker 1: kind of giving like a little general informing drag. I
Speaker 1: mean like they were like they were going too the
Speaker 1: famous sample sale. Oh yeah, I mean I feel like, um,
Speaker 1: Johnny probably like had sex with a man as like
Speaker 1: you research for the role. Like I feel like you
Speaker 1: had to step into many men for quote unquote research. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I don't know. I actually want to be clear,
Speaker 1: I don't think Johnny Devi is gay. And I just
Speaker 1: think that he, you know, because he's very rock starry,
Speaker 1: like I mean, I think you've a certain level of fame.
Speaker 1: You're just like sex is only about power, and like
Speaker 1: you just use sex as a tool to feel more
Speaker 1: powerful than people, right right, And I mean he did
Speaker 1: famously base this character off of Nick Jagger and Pepper
Speaker 1: Hugh and Jagger is in one of the later films
Speaker 1: as Jack Sparrow's father, Right, was he Is he an abuser?
Speaker 1: Mick Jagger probably probably? I mean Peppo Lapphu definitely was.
Speaker 1: Pepper lap known abuser. Absolutely never asked for kinsentce. You
Speaker 1: know it used to be one of my recurring sexual fantasies.
Speaker 1: Um in college, was there you were getting fucked by
Speaker 1: Peppo lap Yes? No, there's a photo of there's like
Speaker 1: a very famous photo of Mick Jagger and David Bowie.
Speaker 1: They're kind of like all over each other and I
Speaker 1: used to like think about them hooking up all the time.
Speaker 1: And you still like park off to it. That's hot.
Speaker 1: I mean that those are like the Golden Ad. I'm
Speaker 1: sure that it happened. Yeah, I believe it. Yeah, David
Speaker 1: Bowie can't make music like that without sucking and sucking.
Speaker 1: There's a David Bowie movie coming out that I really
Speaker 1: want to see. It's like a documentary slush concert film.
Speaker 1: Um oh, I don't want that, not like not like
Speaker 1: concert film, but it's like like his concert. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: like it like rebuilds like performances of his I think
Speaker 1: I'm very excited for that. I am Bowie is definitely
Speaker 1: one of my cultural blind spots. I think all of
Speaker 1: my knowledge and came from perks of being a wallflower. Yeah,
Speaker 1: let's do it. I would love I love Bowie. You,
Speaker 1: I will I will um tonight. I will masturbate thinking
Speaker 1: about getting sucked to, like by Peppi La Pew. Let's
Speaker 1: talk about some other pirate media. Treasure Island so the
Speaker 1: best Muppets movie to have ever been crane. I I
Speaker 1: I slightly agree. I slightly disagree because I love Muppet
Speaker 1: State Manhattan, and I thought you were going to say Christmas, Carol.
Speaker 1: I mean, obviously I love all Muppet movies. I love
Speaker 1: all classic Muppet movies, but Muppet State Manhattan. When Kermit
Speaker 1: gets hit by the car I have never cried so
Speaker 1: hard while watching a movie before Muppa Treasure Island. To
Speaker 1: have a very visceral memory of receiving the VHS of
Speaker 1: it for Hanaka. One year was one night I received
Speaker 1: a Muppa Treasure Island, a sketch book and like one
Speaker 1: of those huge packages of like crans and markers and
Speaker 1: paints that you know kind of like all used to
Speaker 1: come together in one like artist's palette, and I just
Speaker 1: like spent that winter break like drawing Kermit and Miss Picky. Um.
Speaker 1: I don't meant for a lot about Muppet Treasure Island
Speaker 1: because I truly have not watched it in maybe twenty years. Wait,
Speaker 1: we need to watch because it is Miss Piggy's best work.
Speaker 1: In my opinion. I I think it's the best Muppets film.
Speaker 1: Although I mean, I know you're a traditionalist, but I
Speaker 1: actually think the first new One with Tina Fey and
Speaker 1: Jason Siegel is really beautiful. It made me cry, like
Speaker 1: it was so good and remember liking it. And Fiona
Speaker 1: Apple is famously in it for like seven seconds her
Speaker 1: voice is I think ms Piggy said, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry Fiona Apple isn't and it Joanna Newsom, Joanna Newsom?
Speaker 1: Why n Joanna Newsom and Fiona Apple are not the
Speaker 1: same person? I have you seen them in the same
Speaker 1: room before? Have you ever? No? I haven't, But but actually,
Speaker 1: but do you? Were you at Joanna Newsom stan I
Speaker 1: because she does fall into the echelon of Caucasian you know,
Speaker 1: I like, I liked her first couple of albums for sure.
Speaker 1: I think a problem with her. And this kind of
Speaker 1: goes back to our conversation about Kim Petris before. I
Speaker 1: mostly like don't listen to her a lot because her
Speaker 1: music is not on Spotify and like, if it's not
Speaker 1: easy for me to access, I'm not gonna listen to it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's not. But proud of her for sticking to her
Speaker 1: guns and fading into relevant. But you know what, to me,
Speaker 1: the most iconic thing Joanna Newsom has ever done was
Speaker 1: have that song beaten the trailer for that movie The Strangers,
Speaker 1: and so oh yeah, it's a very effective moment in
Speaker 1: the trailer. Okay, other pirate stuff obviously, Captain Hookum in
Speaker 1: both Peter Pan and the movie Hook, which I kind
Speaker 1: of only realized recently. Like, to me, it's like one
Speaker 1: of the most important movies ever made because it was
Speaker 1: such a huge part of my childhood. But I think
Speaker 1: you're cook But I think Hook is like a flop.
Speaker 1: I think it's like considered a bad movie. What by
Speaker 1: really culture at large? Yeah, oh my god, I have
Speaker 1: never heard that before. I feel like it's so belood.
Speaker 1: Like if if I mentioned Hook at at any you know,
Speaker 1: house party where millennials are present, everyone starts talking about
Speaker 1: immediately because I feel like it was so formative to us.
Speaker 1: I didn't know it was. It was a success. No,
Speaker 1: it made three million dollars. Maybe you're thinking about the
Speaker 1: one where Rooney Mara. No, No, it's a it's a
Speaker 1: it's a critical flop. It got really bad reviews and
Speaker 1: what Yeah, but you know what, those reviews are wrong.
Speaker 1: They don't they don't get it. They can't see the vision. Um.
Speaker 1: I have never seen the Peter Pan movie where Rooney
Speaker 1: Marrow plays Tiger Lily, because why would I. But I
Speaker 1: do know that there's a live action Peter Pan coming
Speaker 1: where Jude Law plays Captain Hook, which I'm very excited for.
Speaker 1: I um, I was really let down by Jude Law
Speaker 1: and the Harry Potter movies, and so I'm therefore not
Speaker 1: really excited. But maybe if he's going to throw himself
Speaker 1: into it, he better he better give us something really new,
Speaker 1: Like I want full character invention. I don't want to
Speaker 1: see Dustin Hoffman's hook. I don't want to see Disney's hook.
Speaker 1: I don't want to see any other hook. I want
Speaker 1: to see, you know, his hook. I would like to
Speaker 1: see an actual, like kind of scary, villainous hook rather
Speaker 1: than a camp be over the top faggotty hook. Yes,
Speaker 1: but the faggoty I mean, Dustin Hoffman's faggoty hook is incredible,
Speaker 1: like it's so so faggy um and also a wait,
Speaker 1: it's it must be stated for the Virgins that Glenn
Speaker 1: I'm do you know this? Glenn Close has an iconic
Speaker 1: cameo in Hook? Did you know this? Who is she?
Speaker 1: Glenn plays the pirate that gets thrown into the Boo Box.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Wow, she has a full beard, full prosthetic.
Speaker 1: Yes she we we do not talk enough about the
Speaker 1: fact that Julia Roberts was Tinkerbell and Hook. I mean,
Speaker 1: and she's gorgeous in it. I mean it's so funny too.
Speaker 1: It's like a very Spielbergian thing to be like, Peter
Speaker 1: and tinker Bell were fucking right. But a hook as
Speaker 1: was definitely also extremely important to me, and I would
Speaker 1: I think some of the Virgins have requested a Hook episode.
Speaker 1: Maybe There's more was one of the movies I rewatched
Speaker 1: over and over again. You know, Maggie Smith is in it.
Speaker 1: I'm just looking at the cast now. Maggie Smith is old, Wendy,
Speaker 1: Gwyneth Paltrow is young Wendy. Yeah, and George Lucas and
Speaker 1: m Carrie Fisher have cameos as faceless people kissing on
Speaker 1: a a memory montage. I remember. One of the sexiest
Speaker 1: parts of the movie is when at the beginning when
Speaker 1: Robin Williams gets thrown into the ocean and all the
Speaker 1: mermaids come and like kiss him to give him air.
Speaker 1: The movie is so really erotic in several places. I
Speaker 1: know that Rufio is like a big first movie crush
Speaker 1: for a lot of people. I didn't seem for them, Queen.
Speaker 1: I mean like the little belly shirt, quing, the little
Speaker 1: belly shirt, the little mohawk. That's like basically what people
Speaker 1: dress up as when they like go to a Suzanmbarsh party.
Speaker 1: I mean, well, I'll, I do want to say something,
Speaker 1: and I don't think I'm being rude and saying this.
Speaker 1: Everyone who falls on the non binary spectrum is giving
Speaker 1: pirate in some way. Well, Pirates were the first nin
Speaker 1: binary is a huge overlap between non binary presentation and
Speaker 1: pirate presentation. Yeah, I can't wait for you and I
Speaker 1: to um lead a mutiny on a pirate ship covered
Speaker 1: and come for some reason with tentacles consent cales because
Speaker 1: you have to consent. We'll see you next week. In
Speaker 1: the meantime, tag us slide into our d m. Yes,
Speaker 1: you can tag us at like a virgin for on Instagram,
Speaker 1: and you can of course leave us a review on
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts. It really helps us out. I'm your co
Speaker 1: host Rose Damn You. You can find me anywhere online
Speaker 1: at Rose Damn You. And I'm fran you can find
Speaker 1: me at Franz Squish co anywhere you want. You can
Speaker 1: subscribe to Like a Virgin anywhere you listen to podcasts.
Speaker 1: Rate us on Spotify, leaver review on Apple Podcasts. Um
Speaker 1: Like Virgin is an I Heart Radio production our producers
Speaker 1: Phoebe Unter, with support from Lindsay Hoffman, Julian Weller, Jess
Speaker 1: Crane Chitch and Nikki Etour. Until next week, you better
Speaker 1: start believing in ghost stories, miss Turner. You're in one
Speaker 1: that was pretty good. That's a good Jeffrey rush By