Speaker 1: Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?
Speaker 2: Either way, we want to be there.
Speaker 3: Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us
Speaker 3: time and a terminol and gay.
Speaker 2: We want to send you off InStyle. We wanna welcome
Speaker 2: you back home. Tell us all about it.
Speaker 1: We scared her? Was it fine? Melborn? Do you need
Speaker 1: to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need
Speaker 1: to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 4: Ride? Do you need with? Karen and Chris welcome to
Speaker 4: Do you need a ride?
Speaker 1: This is Chris Fairbanks, This is Karen Kilgareth.
Speaker 4: I am, I'm sorry that I sound like a dusty,
Speaker 4: dusty cowboy off in.
Speaker 1: A field, a dusty broom. Chris has allergies. Everybody, and
Speaker 1: if you're sensitive to snot as MR type of stuff
Speaker 1: into your microphone, you're about to get everything you love
Speaker 1: and more.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry that I sound like dusty Buffalo Springfield,
Speaker 4: But I am I don't. Everyone always says, oh, have
Speaker 4: you tried Clareton, Have you tried sinus metic? Have you
Speaker 4: tried allergy? Yes? Of course I have and it doesn't work.
Speaker 1: But have you tried blowing your nose so hard it
Speaker 1: might work.
Speaker 4: Have you tried blowing it so hard that it begins
Speaker 4: to bleed?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 1: Check, Actually, yes, I've done that a couple of times.
Speaker 4: I don't know. And then the minute that I need
Speaker 4: to deal with it, I you know, it goes away
Speaker 4: and then I don't have to deal with it for
Speaker 4: a couple of weeks. It's not that steady. But today, man,
Speaker 4: I don't know what it is. There's no wind.
Speaker 1: There's no wind, but it looks like the air is
Speaker 1: just kind of sitting here in a gross hangaround way.
Speaker 4: There's just no rhyme or reason. You know what. I
Speaker 4: can stump any allergy expert, which is anyone you talk to.
Speaker 4: I'm allergic to the actual ocean. I go to the
Speaker 4: beach and I just everything blocks up.
Speaker 1: Is that true?
Speaker 4: The breeze coming from our sea, the whale dander, and
Speaker 4: the fish I have like a fish air. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 4: allergic to to fish in a different way. Most people
Speaker 4: can't eat fish or shellfish. But I just the wind
Speaker 4: of it, the wafting of it.
Speaker 1: You can't breathe fish.
Speaker 4: I can't breathe. I can't inhale fish.
Speaker 1: I have a theory about why this happens to you, Okay, please,
Speaker 1: Do you think it's possible that when you get to
Speaker 1: the beach the air is so much cleaner. It's almost
Speaker 1: like you're, you know, one of those sinus saline poor
Speaker 1: things where you have stuff going one nostril out the other.
Speaker 1: Maybe the air is actually cleansing your sinus cavity.
Speaker 4: Right, and in cleansing, it's actually a terrible experience, it is. Yeah,
Speaker 4: maybe it's a giant netty pot.
Speaker 1: I'm right, that's the word I'm thinking.
Speaker 4: Because those, yeah, I have no luck with those either.
Speaker 4: But it just in last night, I went to the
Speaker 4: end of the meltdown of Venue in Town. They had
Speaker 4: their final party night, and everyone was yelling. It was
Speaker 4: just a room of cos yelling. Right.
Speaker 1: That's what every comedian party is, it really is, you.
Speaker 4: Know, And I think that it's why we have so
Speaker 4: much more fun and we can relax without a guest
Speaker 4: in the car, because even during all those conversations, I
Speaker 4: realized it is a bunch of people all at once
Speaker 4: trying to be funny or interesting and that so it
Speaker 4: makes you yell.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's there's not a lot of choreography to it.
Speaker 1: With most comics, it's just if they wait till you're
Speaker 1: almost done talking and then they just start talking about right. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the common practice.
Speaker 4: I mean, I listen to this podcast and I am
Speaker 4: listening to you, but I do I'm like, oh, I
Speaker 4: know what she's saying.
Speaker 1: Cut you no, But that's our I think that's our
Speaker 1: comedic rhythm. I think we do it well.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you and I have a back and forth that
Speaker 4: everyone else wants the same kind of back and forth.
Speaker 4: But really they're interrupting.
Speaker 1: That's right. You can't force back and forth.
Speaker 4: We hate that's rape. We hate other comedians. Oh you can't.
Speaker 4: You have to consensually have a conversation.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you have to be a fucking normal human being.
Speaker 1: God for fucking bid everybody.
Speaker 4: Last night was It's a lot of nice people that
Speaker 4: I haven't seen in a long time. But I was exhausted,
Speaker 4: and I think it made me lose my voice. That's
Speaker 4: my story.
Speaker 1: I could, Oh yeah, because you probably had to talk
Speaker 1: up here.
Speaker 4: I like it. And it was and there's music in
Speaker 4: the background and I'm deaf and.
Speaker 1: You're crying because the meltdown's closing.
Speaker 4: Oh, I was so so sad.
Speaker 1: That I do I have loved performing at Meltdown though.
Speaker 1: The it's always great and the audiences there you just can't, uh,
Speaker 1: you can't argue with a place that packs good audiences
Speaker 1: every day, like people who genuinely love comedy.
Speaker 4: I think that it was that way for a while,
Speaker 4: and lately there there's so many shows there that that
Speaker 4: at least the ones I've been doing where it's just
Speaker 4: a dozen.
Speaker 1: People, Oh yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4: That it for me, that place kind of tapered off emotionally,
Speaker 4: not abruptly, like it did for a lot of people.
Speaker 4: Right yeah, yeah, because everything.
Speaker 1: Ends, you know, you know, it's a cyclical business that
Speaker 1: we're in where this could definitely be a winter.
Speaker 4: People everything, not even just in life. We all die,
Speaker 4: you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we are going to definitely die, yeah and soon.
Speaker 4: So it's as when people are sad about that thing
Speaker 4: ending or a business, I always like to bring up
Speaker 4: the fact that we're gonna die.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and so really don't hold onto that one business ending,
Speaker 1: because your your business is about to fucking act.
Speaker 4: Yeah. One day, your lungs are going to foreclose on
Speaker 4: your brain.
Speaker 1: So you better live it up slowly.
Speaker 4: As you said, fluid is collecting in your lungs you
Speaker 4: don't know it. Just there's a little wheezy noise.
Speaker 1: You can't tell that you're slowly drowning inside yourself.
Speaker 4: You are. There's a swimming pool inside you, and your
Speaker 4: organs have no arm floating.
Speaker 1: Oh so sad. It's the saddest summer inside you right now?
Speaker 4: When are you going to start writing these songs? It's
Speaker 4: sad as summer inside you. Oh wow, we got a honker.
Speaker 1: We got a honker behind us. The person in front
Speaker 1: of us as being a real Sunday driver. The person
Speaker 1: behind us clearly has an Easter dinner or lunch. It's
Speaker 1: only noon, yeah, to get to Yeah, we're trapped in
Speaker 1: the middle, like that wonderful song from the seventies.
Speaker 4: No fuck now, our fault, Let's have a fight.
Speaker 1: I think the person behind us is probably involved in
Speaker 1: the Armenian and mafia. From what I can see. It's
Speaker 1: a very fancy black BMW. Sure, and the woman in
Speaker 1: the passenger seat has bright blonde hair.
Speaker 4: Oh wow, yeah, yeah I can see that as well.
Speaker 1: So I think there's some there's some power moves happening
Speaker 1: behind us. Oh wait, no, it's a Toyota.
Speaker 4: You're right, we definitely should slow down and see where
Speaker 4: this goes.
Speaker 1: Pull up that AK forty seven that I haven't yet.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it would be great if he actually just drove
Speaker 4: past us and hit your side window with a biplog.
Speaker 1: But from his car, it's the same guy. He finally
Speaker 1: got a car.
Speaker 4: He just goes two dollars.
Speaker 1: I want my two dollars.
Speaker 4: That guy on the bike scared us.
Speaker 1: Guys, if you haven't seen better off dead, Oh yes,
Speaker 1: he's passing people on the.
Speaker 4: Left, revealing that it's just a camry.
Speaker 1: You fall for a black camera in this town. Was amazing,
Speaker 1: thinking it's impressive. Yeah, he was driving straight toward that
Speaker 1: car coming toward us.
Speaker 4: That was amazing.
Speaker 1: He doesn't have time on Easter Sunday now, Chris. It
Speaker 1: is Easter Sunday. Happy Easter, everybody.
Speaker 4: Oh yes, happy day that the I believe he rose.
Speaker 1: He did rise up from the dead.
Speaker 4: Or he's risen? Or is he rising? I forget the tents.
Speaker 1: On Easter Sunday. He had done rows, already done done, God,
Speaker 1: he did it well. Nobody was looking. Apparently the rock
Speaker 1: got rolled back. Okay, he's not there.
Speaker 4: This is you are describing a zombie situation.
Speaker 1: That's right. Then when right as you walk into the
Speaker 1: cave to go Jesus, he bites you in the net
Speaker 1: and then you're also undead with him forever now.
Speaker 4: And then out out from your neck comes a creamy
Speaker 4: like cat Mary. And that's the story of Jesus.
Speaker 1: And that's what's drowning you. Actually, all this time.
Speaker 4: It has been it is the whoops.
Speaker 1: I thought my thing fell, but it didn't. Sorry, then
Speaker 1: I talked directly into my microphone.
Speaker 4: It's quite all right everything, you know. That's what would
Speaker 4: this podcast be without some audio.
Speaker 1: Foibles, without some major hits on the mics.
Speaker 4: It took me a while to realize it's a rabbit.
Speaker 4: It's this. It's gonna sound dumb, but the rabbit is
Speaker 4: delivering the hiding eggs. And for the longest time I'm like,
Speaker 4: sure that makes sense, but it really doesn't. Know, you know,
Speaker 4: there's chickens are the ones.
Speaker 1: That lay eggs right right?
Speaker 4: Why is a rabbit? Why is a rabbit the middleman
Speaker 4: to this egg delivery? And why what? How is do
Speaker 4: you know the even symbolic uh thing?
Speaker 1: Besides that, I believe I do. Okay, Well, first of all,
Speaker 1: you know, rabbits kind of symbolize spring because that's when
Speaker 1: what's happening. Sir, I'm not gonna be a honker, but
Speaker 1: this man stopped at a green light. Rabbits symbolize spring rebirth.
Speaker 1: That's what's the Easter is all about. Is Jesus being
Speaker 1: rising again. Is his rebirth for our sity. He died
Speaker 1: for our sins. Now he's up at the right hand father,
Speaker 1: fucking taking care of business. We can just ask, we
Speaker 1: can just say we're sorry for doing really shitty things,
Speaker 1: and we get forgiven. That's the setup. Symbolism is that rebirth.
Speaker 1: In baby chickens, bunnies, whatever, they can't have the easter
Speaker 1: chicken delivering eggsay, is that, well, they're they're eggs, So
Speaker 1: that's gross. It's like, that's like someone you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, away.
Speaker 4: Their babies, just going to different firehouses. Yeah, leaving their babies.
Speaker 1: And going here. This is fine, but so you need
Speaker 1: a middleman in that situation. Also, people don't really like chickens.
Speaker 1: They're not that cute. Baby chicks are kind of cute,
Speaker 1: but they can't get the job done right hold that
Speaker 1: whole basket.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you know, you need.
Speaker 1: A full grown mail rabbit with a with a bow
Speaker 1: tie on and a vest.
Speaker 4: Right, Well, if that's my point though, if you're gonna
Speaker 4: go so far as to dress up, you know, the
Speaker 4: bow tie in vest, you might as well think about
Speaker 4: how wings can be anthropomorphized and become fingers, thereby allowing
Speaker 4: a wing to become a hand, much like when Donald
Speaker 4: Duck it's flying and then he lands and then put
Speaker 4: then all of a sudden he grabs a rifle. Yes,
Speaker 4: you know those fings. It's those feathers become fingers. Sometimes.
Speaker 4: I've even seen some animation detail where there's a little
Speaker 4: fingernail on the tip of the feather wing finger and
Speaker 4: it's like, it's horrifying. You can't just make it suddenly
Speaker 4: a hand.
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, that's very Then you're going into some kind
Speaker 1: of a hybrid animal that's no longer a normal chicken.
Speaker 1: If there's fingers on the feathers. No, then now this
Speaker 1: is a scientific experiment gone wrong. Yeah, then you don't
Speaker 1: know what the story is anymore. Yeah an easter? Are
Speaker 1: we on the fucking island of Doctor Moreau? What's happening?
Speaker 4: You know what I'm gonna do is cut for a
Speaker 4: second and put a new battery in and tell you what.
Speaker 1: I don't like about what you just said.
Speaker 4: We're going to discuss what you just said. We'll be
Speaker 4: right back. We'll be right back, and we're back. I
Speaker 4: was tough to hear you sound better. Oh okay, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 4: I needed to. You know, there's some peeking whenever it
Speaker 4: goes to the red here. If you know anything about
Speaker 4: sound engineering, which I know you do, that's usually there's
Speaker 4: like a popp or crackle. But sometimes you need they
Speaker 4: just the levels need to be there.
Speaker 1: It's true. Well, and you know I'm a loud talker,
Speaker 1: so don't be afraid to ride those dials. What is
Speaker 1: it called? Ride the ones and two?
Speaker 4: Yeah? Yeah, yeah, I'm just I'm just uh, well, I
Speaker 4: think we're I don't know where I've driven us now.
Speaker 1: I don't know where we are.
Speaker 4: I love it though.
Speaker 1: It's the hill here before, have we Yes, it's the
Speaker 1: hills of Glendale.
Speaker 4: This seems familiar.
Speaker 1: It's like kind of cool old mansions and then uncool
Speaker 1: new mansions. Yes, and a lot of white mercedesse It's cities.
Speaker 4: Look at I mean that church is solar I love it.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's you know, that's Ed Begley's church.
Speaker 4: I wish I just I just invented the next It
Speaker 4: shouldn't be a rabbit, it should be just kind of
Speaker 4: grumpy and he wants to talk to kids about global warming, and.
Speaker 1: Isn't it it's just lightly cracked?
Speaker 4: H who's aggly? Bagel Face? Oh that's I think Matt
Speaker 4: Bronger as a joke about finding in a phone book
Speaker 4: someone named bagel Face. There's no way apparently a real
Speaker 4: person and they called him it is it's it's his
Speaker 4: ready stonellis Oh right, Okay, I'm.
Speaker 1: Still riding those ones and two.
Speaker 4: Yeah, there's just there's always something going on.
Speaker 1: Well, we're going to get Stephen, our podcast engineer for
Speaker 1: My Favorite Murder, to come and be our podcast engineer
Speaker 1: for Do you need to write that he is.
Speaker 4: The best news I've heard in a long time? Does
Speaker 4: this make you know?
Speaker 1: This is I?
Speaker 4: I leave with feelings of guilt, I because I frankly, Karen,
Speaker 4: I don't know. I never did the research. I just
Speaker 4: bought this thing. I'm like, how do I the very
Speaker 4: first time, the way I did it, that's the way
Speaker 4: I still do it. Yeah, And last time, I don't
Speaker 4: know what happened, but there were ghosts in them their
Speaker 4: sound waves and.
Speaker 1: We each took to one side right right, right.
Speaker 4: Which some people enjoyed. You know what if most people
Speaker 4: say when are you doing the next episode? And I'm like,
Speaker 4: I don't know, But if one person says I like
Speaker 4: it when you guys don't have a guest, I'm like,
Speaker 4: perfect that one person has dictated it's a whole show,
Speaker 4: because that makes things easier.
Speaker 1: Yep.
Speaker 4: And one person also said she enjoyed how it was
Speaker 4: in stereo.
Speaker 1: Oh well, then we never have to look again. But
Speaker 1: I think once we have you know, we have Stephen,
Speaker 1: you don't have to worry about that part so much.
Speaker 1: Then we'll be free to riff.
Speaker 4: I it'll be wonderful. It's gonna be when I have
Speaker 4: nothing to do but think of what I'm gonna say next,
Speaker 4: just sitting in a chair with my hands in front
Speaker 4: of me, and it's going to be the best.
Speaker 1: Imagine. It's gonna be your birthday.
Speaker 4: You say it's mine?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I do, say it's your Burt. Why would they do?
Speaker 4: My name is John Jacob Jingle.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that song is all involve of John
Speaker 1: Jacob Jingle. It is. Do you have a bit about that?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 1: No, that's hilarious.
Speaker 4: I should. Maybe I'll have Paul Ryan say something I can't.
Speaker 4: I can't. All I do is think about Paul Ryan.
Speaker 4: I have those shows coming up, ye, And that's it's
Speaker 4: it's not healthy to think about someone all the time
Speaker 4: that you're not a fan of.
Speaker 1: So that's very true. You're now seeing the world through
Speaker 1: the filter of Paul Ryan. This must be a living nightmare.
Speaker 4: And I've just got to quit doing this research. I'm
Speaker 4: quit reading Iinrand and all this everything I'm doing is
Speaker 4: bumming me out. It is. I knew it would, and
Speaker 4: it is. So I'm just gonna dress like him and
Speaker 4: look like him and and saying you say, it's your birthday.
Speaker 4: Do you ever think about how that's like John Jacob
Speaker 4: Jamie Leamer Smith type jokes that I would say, but
Speaker 4: while looking like Paul Ryan and not get as political
Speaker 4: it as I had planned.
Speaker 1: Just uh, just say stuff like that. But you're wearing
Speaker 1: a tie, right, and then just collect up your all
Speaker 1: your cash earnings.
Speaker 4: Well, what I'm gonna it will be very really realistic
Speaker 4: in that I will have my talking points, which are
Speaker 4: actually Chris Fairbanks talking points. So when political questions are
Speaker 4: asked of Paul Ryan, I will bring it back to
Speaker 4: me just being Chris Fairbanks. Does that makes sense?
Speaker 1: It's the perfect plan?
Speaker 4: Yeah it is. And uh yeah, and let's off a
Speaker 4: lot of pressure.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I mean, look like you're saying, it's like, nobody's
Speaker 1: expecting you to fucking rich Little the fuck out of
Speaker 1: this and somehow become a different personal.
Speaker 4: Is there anyone better than rich Little?
Speaker 1: That's why no one expects you? Because the answer to
Speaker 1: that is absolutely not. It's so it's yeah, hey, look
Speaker 1: a laser tag center. I never knew that was there.
Speaker 1: Let's go Glendale. A laser tag center.
Speaker 4: Well that's so funny because it's also a surgical center,
Speaker 4: and I hope they don't use the same lasers.
Speaker 1: Oh it's lasering the skin tags off of your body.
Speaker 4: It was a laser tag Oh my god, I think
Speaker 4: it is. Yeah, it's the only way it's also a
Speaker 4: surgical center. Imagine the disappointed children going there for a
Speaker 4: birthday party, ready to play laser.
Speaker 1: Tag, and they're like, oh, look at some of these disgustings,
Speaker 1: and then.
Speaker 4: They just get locked in a room and some adult
Speaker 4: removes their irregular molds. That's no birthday I have to
Speaker 4: know more. I mean I'm not that guy.
Speaker 1: Yeah he was, but he nothing changed. He just decided
Speaker 1: to do it. Yeah, he was standing there, not going,
Speaker 1: and then he went when I went.
Speaker 4: Yeah, he just It.
Speaker 1: Really is one of my big fears to hit a pedestrian.
Speaker 1: It is.
Speaker 4: And it's one thing that I when I'm at a
Speaker 4: corner and it's time, I'm turning right, and you know,
Speaker 4: it really is up to that human when they're gonna
Speaker 4: leap into the street. It could say walk and they're hesitating.
Speaker 4: So but no matter what, if if it's a pedestrian,
Speaker 4: then you are get close to hitting them. They can
Speaker 4: hate you. Yeah, and as a pedestrian, don't when I
Speaker 4: I can never see the other side of it. When
Speaker 4: I'm the pedestrian a car almost hits me, I'm like, well,
Speaker 4: you're an asshole and you're in a hurry. Yeah, but
Speaker 4: one time the one driving, I'm it is a touchy
Speaker 4: touch and dose situation. You really have to pay attention.
Speaker 1: Well, I remember when I had this part of the
Speaker 1: Honda fit was so wide.
Speaker 4: I've experienced it.
Speaker 1: It taking left turns. If somebody who is mid crosswalk,
Speaker 1: they would be completely blocked by this whatever this thing
Speaker 1: is called. In the front of the car that holds
Speaker 1: the windshield off.
Speaker 4: Yeah, the sill is it?
Speaker 1: Well?
Speaker 4: No, I always a frame around a window.
Speaker 1: At wait, it's a window sill. It's a it's a
Speaker 1: it's a vertical windowsill. That was too wide, so I
Speaker 1: probably four different times almost hit guys and I didn't
Speaker 1: see them until my car was two feet away. Right,
Speaker 1: it was crazy.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm it's I think all cars should be just
Speaker 4: be a globe like the popemobile or something. You expect
Speaker 4: bingo balls to be bouncing in just no, yeah, I
Speaker 4: mean ugly. Sure, Yeah, sure it would be ugly.
Speaker 1: Kind of a Jetson's thing, I think is what you're thinking.
Speaker 4: Yeah, isn't it? All cars should just be a globe
Speaker 4: of glass, yes, and make.
Speaker 1: Up noise, and there should be snow floating in there
Speaker 1: with you as you drive. And maybe a city scape
Speaker 1: of Chicago. Wouldn't that be nice?
Speaker 4: Yes, some sort of a holiday message.
Speaker 1: Hey, look at the high rises a Nestley building.
Speaker 4: Oh, just twenty five stories of chocolate.
Speaker 1: Oh I hear they're keeping all the water now. Nestle
Speaker 1: is doing some fucked up shit with our water.
Speaker 4: They really are being that giant man from Mad Max the.
Speaker 1: Water.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and all the I think pregnant lady breast milk.
Speaker 4: I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention when I
Speaker 4: watched that. I just like the cinematography.
Speaker 1: I don't remember the pregnant lady part, but I trust.
Speaker 4: You he was holding this this giant man that was
Speaker 4: like a Marlon Brando type guy, and he's like a
Speaker 4: Darth Vader.
Speaker 1: I didn't really from the most recent one.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, the most recent one. It had something to
Speaker 4: do with the breast milk. Yeah, and water, like what
Speaker 4: the people needed water, other people needed milk. There wasn't
Speaker 4: a lot of dialogue. It was just a lot of
Speaker 4: cool shots.
Speaker 1: I'd say, babies probably needed that milk.
Speaker 4: Right, Yes, you're right, there were no babies. You're right,
Speaker 4: there was no babies. It's just like any future. It's
Speaker 4: the problem is that we can't populate.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we ran out of babies.
Speaker 4: Yeah, God forbid, we aren't knocking out babies all day.
Speaker 1: I think it could. It would be the best thing
Speaker 1: that could happen to our globe if there were no
Speaker 1: more babies. Not I mean, it would be sad and dark,
Speaker 1: but also there's too many.
Speaker 4: People, right, We're not saying we don't enjoy babies. Baby,
Speaker 4: you ever had a baby just grab your thumb and
Speaker 4: put his whole hand around it. Oh, that's pretty great.
Speaker 1: Have you ever had a baby smile at you?
Speaker 4: That's so great. But a bunch of babies kind of
Speaker 4: a burden on society.
Speaker 1: That's true. Like one, two babies are great.
Speaker 4: Right, replace yourselves.
Speaker 1: Ten thousand babies is too many.
Speaker 4: You're selfish, we get it.
Speaker 1: You're rich, you love as many babies as you want.
Speaker 4: We get it. You're a rich Mormon, we get it.
Speaker 1: You have great taste in interior decorating. But that doesn't
Speaker 1: mean the Mormon. Have you ever seen like a Mormon website.
Speaker 1: They've got the lifestyle shit on lock in Utah.
Speaker 4: Is it like I'm imagining a lot of gold curtains? No?
Speaker 1: No, No, it's very like home. It's very Mason jari of,
Speaker 1: like I sewed these curtains here. Oh okay, fresh bread.
Speaker 1: It's all very like. It's the celebration of homemaking in
Speaker 1: the inner cool way. It's really nice.
Speaker 4: Well, I remember going to a Mormon household. I was
Speaker 4: kicked out when I said Jesus as an expletive. They
Speaker 4: they asked me politely to leave to get out, which
Speaker 4: was real sad because this as I remember it, I
Speaker 4: was young. But you walk in and their living room
Speaker 4: was turned into a bean bag and trampoline trapeze room. Yeah,
Speaker 4: and with swinging ropes, and it was a it was
Speaker 4: like a fun nasium, a gym for children.
Speaker 1: It was a dream gym.
Speaker 4: And I'm not I was like, I was allowed to
Speaker 4: go to this house. I was brought into this giant
Speaker 4: room for gymnastics, and I said Jesus, like, because I
Speaker 4: so excited to use it. But when I said Jesus,
Speaker 4: they said you have to leave and I never got
Speaker 4: to play.
Speaker 1: So sad, Yeah.
Speaker 4: That's the judgment. And then I went to my dad
Speaker 4: and I'm like, they I think I was crying. They said, yeah,
Speaker 4: Mormons are Mormons are fucked up.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's it's the ultimate jerk around for a child,
Speaker 1: because it was you weren't uh, it wasn't malicious, It
Speaker 1: just came out of you. And they the reason it
Speaker 1: came out of you is because of the thing they
Speaker 1: took you out of right exactly, just the ultimate injustice.
Speaker 4: And I never learned anything and they were they so
Speaker 4: politely kicked me out. I'll never forget that, and I'll
Speaker 4: never stop blaming all religions.
Speaker 1: I would say, you should. You can easily pull the
Speaker 1: Muslims into that one. Oh right, I don't know about
Speaker 1: the Buddhists, though, I don't you're going to have to
Speaker 1: reach for the wrong Buddhists.
Speaker 4: Their dad was kind of fat.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, then fuck fuck Buddhists.
Speaker 4: I'm yeah. It was really upsetting. But the one time
Speaker 4: I did stand up Greg Barrenton, I went to Ogden, Utah.
Speaker 4: The audience was very Mormon. I just knew right away.
Speaker 4: They were all drinking diet coke, and I've never experienced
Speaker 4: a better audience. They were so excited. Yeah, and I was.
Speaker 4: I was kind of editing myself at first because I
Speaker 4: only had so many jokes and most of them were
Speaker 4: about my balls, and they or you know what, I'm
Speaker 4: not balls, but just kind of dirty sex word play,
Speaker 4: Dixon balls, thank you, and they were. They. At one
Speaker 4: point a woman heckled be dirty talk about sex, and
Speaker 4: I'm you're.
Speaker 1: Just taking requests at that point.
Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah. For for Sualt and Peppa songs, I.
Speaker 1: Will We just did shows in Salt Lake City and
Speaker 1: they were We did two nights in a row, both amazing, right,
Speaker 1: so smart, Like the audience was right there with us
Speaker 1: every single thing.
Speaker 4: It was great. It's great. I think Mormons have their
Speaker 4: quirks and they're you know that legend. It's a little strange,
Speaker 4: but I think it makes for some decent people.
Speaker 1: I think it absolutely makes for decent people. All the
Speaker 1: Mormons I've met in person that i've known well are
Speaker 1: the best people.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 1: It's also that thing of like, look, whatever kind of
Speaker 1: broad stroke a group of people is brushed with, there's
Speaker 1: always good and bad obviously.
Speaker 4: Of course in all of them, and especially with more
Speaker 4: I mean Ascal, there was Mormons that were real serious
Speaker 4: about it, and they had they always had a lot
Speaker 4: of siblings. But then there were other ones, like in
Speaker 4: high school that just partied and through giant parties and
Speaker 4: their parents would buy them alcohol. And I'm like, what
Speaker 4: they would like rebel every once in a while makes sense, Yes,
Speaker 4: like the you know, yes much people do. Well, you're sixteen,
Speaker 4: go smoke some crack, but be back here this time
Speaker 4: next year.
Speaker 1: That's what rum spriga means. It means go smoke cracking
Speaker 1: almost now, Chris, can you think of rumspriaga?
Speaker 4: Rum Spriga one two, rum Spriger rum Spriga one two three.
Speaker 4: It's called the rum Spriga.
Speaker 1: Sorry, I was gonna ask, do you have any outstanding
Speaker 1: Easter memories that you want to share on this our
Speaker 1: holiest of Easter Sundays. Any kind of ham dinner that
Speaker 1: you had, any anecdote? This is this is my most
Speaker 1: This is the habit I hate the most of podcasts.
Speaker 1: Hosts ask a question and continue asking specific questions even
Speaker 1: though there's nothing more clear than the question, right.
Speaker 4: Right, And as you give the examples, I'm checking off
Speaker 4: that my only anecdote was having a ham dinner.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well that's ruined.
Speaker 4: That's you took the wind out of my hand. It's
Speaker 4: a good salty ham stories. Oh that's one time I
Speaker 4: snorted a cloth. Now, I most Easters. It just meant
Speaker 4: that was really the one time of year that my
Speaker 4: very tall, kind of scary grandpa was in a good
Speaker 4: mood and we all went to like the Methodist Church,
Speaker 4: which is you know, that's a funner. It's a fun church,
Speaker 4: is it. Yeah. I mean there's not a lot of rules.
Speaker 1: Okay, it's just.
Speaker 4: Under Presbyterian as far as like, yeah, you don't even
Speaker 4: have to read the Bible.
Speaker 1: Come on in, sit on this cushion.
Speaker 4: Because I was involved with like youth stuff when I do,
Speaker 4: just because there's kids there, right, But my parents weren't
Speaker 4: that religious, but my grandparents were. So we go to
Speaker 4: that church and then we go out to Jokers Wild
Speaker 4: because oh it was a casino and they had you
Speaker 4: could eat for free as a veteran or something. I
Speaker 4: don't know why we went to Yochres Wild. Yeah, people
Speaker 4: had Jester hats and there was kind of a there
Speaker 4: was kind of off with his head theme. And we
Speaker 4: would go there and you know, it's even even my
Speaker 4: uncle would say some words to me. It was like
Speaker 4: a more because otherwise, uh, you know, Easter in dying
Speaker 4: eggs is always fun. It's early printmaker or ceramic uh
Speaker 4: you know glazing, Yes, it's it's yet some of your
Speaker 4: eggs are kind of come out brown. You got you
Speaker 4: can't just mix all the colors together and dip them
Speaker 4: your hyper little.
Speaker 1: Ship you dip shit.
Speaker 4: Sorry I just turned to my grandpa. But there's times
Speaker 4: where you figure out, you know, using crayons, do doing
Speaker 4: tidye type methods eggs dying. Egg dying is actually really
Speaker 4: enjoyable and I even think about buying who makes it? Pause?
Speaker 4: Pause the only thing they make. What a weird business.
Speaker 4: They're just their doors are closed eleven months out of
Speaker 4: the year.
Speaker 1: And then boom they explode in March and and earn
Speaker 1: enough they have a stronghold.
Speaker 4: It's I don't there's never been another brand of egg
Speaker 4: died than Pause.
Speaker 1: It's so true. They rose to the top and then
Speaker 1: they fucking stayed there.
Speaker 4: I think Cadbury some other people that have, like some
Speaker 4: candy angles, they try and get in, but no one
Speaker 4: figured out how to know.
Speaker 1: There's always those ones that are like decorated this new way. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but pa and maybe Pause is a part of that too,
Speaker 1: But I'd say it for the most part, it's just
Speaker 1: Pause and like holding your holding a hard boiled egg
Speaker 1: into pink vinegar. Right, is that's Easter?
Speaker 4: Yeah, it really is. That. That's what stands out the most.
Speaker 4: And then me receiving a kite.
Speaker 1: Oh what was the decoration? Do you remember? I just
Speaker 1: like two eyes?
Speaker 4: Oh right now, they were never that. It was usually
Speaker 4: like a plastic one that would break upon the wind
Speaker 4: pulling on it. I would just snap in half the
Speaker 4: moment the wind kicked up yeah, yeah, but I did
Speaker 4: always receive kites. That was nice.
Speaker 1: I love a kite.
Speaker 4: I think I have okay, Eastern memories. Okay, I always
Speaker 4: had pastel's that I'm like, well, I'm wearing this pastel
Speaker 4: polo yep. I think I liked it, but it wasn't
Speaker 4: you know. I think it's a lot different if you
Speaker 4: have like a very religious family, there's all these Well.
Speaker 1: We would go to church, but my mom I heard
Speaker 1: the story later that my uncle Steve, I was the youngest,
Speaker 1: and my cousins were up to like, you know, seven
Speaker 1: or eight years young older than me, and my sister's
Speaker 1: two years old than me. So we go to we'd
Speaker 1: all go to church. My next are my aunt and
Speaker 1: uncle and our family, and my uncle Steve would ask
Speaker 1: to have me sit next to him, and then at
Speaker 1: one point he would pinch me on the leg.
Speaker 4: I was getting creepy.
Speaker 1: I would start crying, and then he would go all
Speaker 1: take her outside and then he'd be able to leave church.
Speaker 4: Oh God, it was like a plan. That's great. He
Speaker 4: used you, he used me, and you both benefited.
Speaker 1: And then we were out. I got to run around
Speaker 1: in the park. He would smoke and we were out
Speaker 1: of church.
Speaker 4: Tony Steve, my.
Speaker 1: Uncle Steve was the greatest in the day.
Speaker 4: That's so great.
Speaker 1: He's the greatest, But he was also uh you know.
Speaker 4: Did it was? Was it real crying or you would
Speaker 4: pretend it was real.
Speaker 1: He would pinch me hard enough to cry and they'd
Speaker 1: be like, I'll take her upside. It's okay, it's okay.
Speaker 1: I never knew that. I have no memory of it, right, of.
Speaker 4: Course, No, I didn't realize. Yeah, this was an age
Speaker 4: where you were you would cry. It didn't trigger you
Speaker 4: to be like, hey, no, pull the waterworks, kid, no problem.
Speaker 1: I think I was able to build up to that later,
Speaker 1: knowing right, if you can just do it yourself, then
Speaker 1: you won't get pinched.
Speaker 4: Oh I didn't. Yeah I cried back then, but I
Speaker 4: didn't start being able to cry for no real like
Speaker 4: when I woke up until like the last couple of years.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you have to work back into that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you just have to have the right things going
Speaker 4: on in the world.
Speaker 1: I like the fact that I'm now at the age
Speaker 1: where I don't care if I start crying in front
Speaker 1: of people, Like I'll be telling a story and get
Speaker 1: choked up and then just cry through it and then
Speaker 1: keep going and I just don't even care anymore. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's not like I'm not ashamed of it anymore.
Speaker 4: No, because usually there's other times where it's super real.
Speaker 4: Like I don't think either one of us when our
Speaker 4: moms died, we like cried on. We'd talk about, like
Speaker 4: you asked me about my mom's funeral and stuff, and
Speaker 4: I think I all of a sudden, it was like
Speaker 4: we were talking about a business proposition, Like I just
Speaker 4: got all serious. Yes, there's different kinds of crying, But
Speaker 4: if you show me a raccoon swimming up to a
Speaker 4: dog that's already swimming and getting on its back and
Speaker 4: riding on it and they both are mutually enjoying it,
Speaker 4: I will fucking cry.
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 4: So I'm like, I'm like, it's weird, it's weird, But
Speaker 4: if shit has hit the.
Speaker 1: Fan, I don't know, you got to shut it down.
Speaker 4: Yeah it's weird. So so really, when I see raccoon
Speaker 4: on a dog's back, I see that and I start
Speaker 4: crying about my mom.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah it is your mom. Yeah, it's it's the
Speaker 1: whole journey of your mom and you that raccoon. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: that's it. Can't be that on the nose. Uh, it
Speaker 1: has to be something that's kind of oddly surrounding it.
Speaker 1: So there's like I saw a video on Twitter a
Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago, the little girl that's playing a
Speaker 1: little it looks like a little accordion, like a squeeze box,
Speaker 1: and she's sitting on a little stump right outside of
Speaker 1: a corral of like a field that's fenced in. Is
Speaker 1: this video of it just happened? So she's playing this
Speaker 1: little squeeze box and all the cows come running to her.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, And it's one of the cutest things you'll
Speaker 1: ever fucking see.
Speaker 4: Look it up.
Speaker 1: It's the best video. And she's the sweetest faced. She
Speaker 1: looks like the little Debbie girl. She's got freckles and braids.
Speaker 1: It's so cute.
Speaker 4: Oh wow. So someone set I mean this was a setup.
Speaker 4: It's a setup.
Speaker 1: It was a fucking setup. Is that they used her
Speaker 1: and her talent.
Speaker 4: To set on her?
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think the mom was like, oh this is
Speaker 1: I'm not the only one that's gonna think this is cute.
Speaker 4: Yeah, this kid of mine is just money waiting to happen.
Speaker 1: Her mom had YouTube stars in her eyes, and she
Speaker 1: said hit record gym.
Speaker 4: Her her eyes became star swipes.
Speaker 1: Of her own daughter. Her own daughter epixelated into a
Speaker 1: thousand tiny squares, and she said, this is money, baby.
Speaker 4: But unfortunately in the corner of her eye it was
Speaker 4: blinking twelve o'clock. She couldn't figure out how to undo that.
Speaker 1: She's still a mom at the end of the day.
Speaker 1: He's still going to be a mom. About tech.
Speaker 4: That guy was riding a motorcycle crouched down in a
Speaker 4: way that only meant he just robbed a bank. Yes,
Speaker 4: did you see that? I did, very very suspect.
Speaker 1: He was kind of going snaky back and forth. Oh,
Speaker 1: that's what we were going to talk about.
Speaker 5: Snakes snakes, No, it's it was I was gonna say
Speaker 5: to you, I because I opened for Lizzie Cooperman for
Speaker 5: her album recording was.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm very regret, not going.
Speaker 1: You should very regret.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: It was super funny and good and like it was
Speaker 1: one of those things where, like, you know, our friends
Speaker 1: record albums a lot, It's the thing everybody does these days,
Speaker 1: but when someone has been working really hard and then
Speaker 1: actually does it, and people go fucking berserk, Like I
Speaker 1: have not heard an audience laugh as hard in a
Speaker 1: really long time. It was so she just destroyed.
Speaker 4: And my roommate said that more than ever he was
Speaker 4: seeing or take her time, go low with things and
Speaker 4: then explode into these moments and then pull back. I
Speaker 4: just wish I had seen. I haven't seen a long
Speaker 4: set from Lizzie Cooperman ever. We never get to do
Speaker 4: shows where we're all doing an hour. Right now, I
Speaker 4: get to get little pieces, So I really regret missing
Speaker 4: that butt. The good thing is you can. Her album
Speaker 4: will come out yep, and.
Speaker 1: I think, and they taped it, so I think you'll
Speaker 1: be able to see it at some point.
Speaker 4: Yeah. I think with her it's she makes me laugh visually,
Speaker 4: and that's not just you know, it's it's in Kate
Speaker 4: Orlanda and people do. And I think I'm one of
Speaker 4: these people like you. Kind of a lot of it
Speaker 4: is physical and facial expression. But I still, let's okay,
Speaker 4: I crossed my eyes, all right.
Speaker 1: Karen, Look you stick your tongue out just for a
Speaker 1: point at the end of an idea.
Speaker 4: If I didn't do that, would this be that funny?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, tongustairs, how did you do that?
Speaker 4: Well? I'll had something to do with the zoot suit
Speaker 4: I'm wearing. We still we still, we still have from
Speaker 4: our friend in April. Oh, she's always talking about a
Speaker 4: wolf wearing a zoot suit, seeing a girl and a
Speaker 4: stereost a tongue.
Speaker 1: That's right, it's funny.
Speaker 4: It's my favorite anytime someone accurately describes a moment from
Speaker 4: our cartoons or something as a kid. Yeah, that's like
Speaker 4: the ultimate goal where you can tap into that and
Speaker 4: someone's like, holy shit, you just brought back a visual
Speaker 4: from me being eight years old. Yes, I should probably
Speaker 4: as an exercise just sit down and think of those things.
Speaker 4: But for a lot of people, it's like being molested.
Speaker 1: Or something that makes them lave harder.
Speaker 4: That happened when they were that age.
Speaker 1: Everyone has a whole. It's there's a rainbow of experience
Speaker 1: out there. There's a whole. There's just gradations of cartoons
Speaker 1: are great. It also creeped me out because we could
Speaker 1: we were just constantly alone in front of the TV.
Speaker 1: I spent sixty percent of my life walking by myself
Speaker 1: in the country. That's so fucking weird. Like in this
Speaker 1: day and age, if you cut to me, if you
Speaker 1: picked any like timecode from my childhood and just punched in.
Speaker 1: I would be standing by myself in a field somewhere
Speaker 1: so odd really fields. Yes, it was just like we
Speaker 1: lived out in the country. You were like, my parents
Speaker 1: had no interest in driving us anywhere doing anything proactively.
Speaker 1: It was like if you wanted to do something, they
Speaker 1: would just say.
Speaker 4: Go outside, I gotta go find it.
Speaker 1: Go outside, and then you just be like, all right,
Speaker 1: I'll just go walk around on my aunt's farm.
Speaker 4: It was that, Yeah, I do remember. Just I've walked
Speaker 4: to school a little kid. Yeah, not my bike everywhere,
Speaker 4: but I was, though, always paranoid about being stolen. Good
Speaker 4: sorry kidnapped?
Speaker 1: Are you about to throw up?
Speaker 4: I just am a mess?
Speaker 1: Are you triggered by this by your own story?
Speaker 4: I'm just thinking about always being afraid of every every
Speaker 4: type of van.
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, but you should have been.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you were.
Speaker 1: Right to be.
Speaker 4: And then after school, the program that I went to
Speaker 4: because it was inexpensive, was What's Salvation Army? And when
Speaker 4: did they pick us all up in an unmarked white man?
Speaker 1: Fucking straight up man.
Speaker 4: Everything I learned had to be forgotten just so I can,
Speaker 4: you know, get into that man. Yeah, get some free
Speaker 4: swimming pool time. Yeah, they don't just they aren't just
Speaker 4: a drop off for your used clothes. They'll also watch
Speaker 4: your kids.
Speaker 1: It's nice and a lot of the people are uh
Speaker 1: working there are themselves in need of help in some way. Yes,
Speaker 1: so it's actually like proactive. It helps everybody.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's one thing I remember from Salvation Army daycare
Speaker 4: and summer camp I did both. Everyone had holes in
Speaker 4: their clothes. Sometimes do you ever start Sometimes I look
Speaker 4: back on things. I think of that, or or the
Speaker 4: fact that I played with blocks, which were my dad
Speaker 4: just cut up two by fours and I was like, wait,
Speaker 4: was I poor? But I think it was just you know,
Speaker 4: I'm from My whole state is poor Montana.
Speaker 1: It's the poorest well, and everyone's a little bit low key. Also,
Speaker 1: it's not like a nobody is being conspicuous about their
Speaker 1: right richness. Right, it's farmers style.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Blocks are of the salt of the earth type of
Speaker 1: toy for child, a cowboy child, right.
Speaker 4: Yeah. I really cared and wanted it like more kids
Speaker 4: do now. My dad would get me a pair of
Speaker 4: vans or something when I was little. He just didn't.
Speaker 4: I you know, it wasn't a thing. Now, you see
Speaker 4: kids and they're like, I'm like, why is that kid
Speaker 4: all dressed cool with a cool haircut? What kind of
Speaker 4: church is this? Whoa Armenian Western dietcossa? So this is
Speaker 4: that looks fun?
Speaker 1: Look at everybody, it's like an Easter fair.
Speaker 4: God. They're like, there is there rides they got look
Speaker 4: at that. There's an Uncle Sam on stilts. It's just
Speaker 4: they're selling use cars in Dio Diocese Armenian church. Yep,
Speaker 4: why does that would make me want to go?
Speaker 1: Because it looks fun. Everybody's like they're having a weekend.
Speaker 1: That lead actually is carrying a basket like legit easter
Speaker 1: basket style.
Speaker 4: That it's funny. That is kind of what I I
Speaker 4: do miss getting a basket with that grass and there's
Speaker 4: low chocolate eggs and you find eggs. That's all fun stuff.
Speaker 1: So best Well, if I may tell another story about
Speaker 1: Uncle Steve, please please. This is how he would pay
Speaker 1: me back for like getting pinched to get him out
Speaker 1: of church type of stuff he would when there would
Speaker 1: be an Easter egg hunt. And I actually have pictures
Speaker 1: of this happening in action. My Uncle Steve would walk
Speaker 1: around so they make all the kids wait in the house.
Speaker 1: And the adults would go out and hide all the eggs, right,
Speaker 1: and then we'd all go out with our baskets and
Speaker 1: run around in the backyard trying to find eggs. But
Speaker 1: I was the youngest. Uh so my uncle. I learned
Speaker 1: to watch my uncle Steve. He would walk ahead of
Speaker 1: me and then point with his cigarette fingers where the
Speaker 1: eggs were. That's how I learned to like pay attention
Speaker 1: and like go like, but if you actually don't just
Speaker 1: run around where all the kids are going, uncle Steve
Speaker 1: is showing you where all the eggs are if you
Speaker 1: just pay attention to it, to where he's winning. So
Speaker 1: I would just very quietly follow him and then like, oh,
Speaker 1: how did she find an egg in the train? But
Speaker 1: he would just be like, just very like we were
Speaker 1: a real team. Me and Uncle Steve were a real.
Speaker 4: Team, the best. And cigarette fingers. I just want to
Speaker 4: draw that now, right, just actual cigarette fingers the tips.
Speaker 4: I love it. I love that he did that. And
Speaker 4: then and then everyone's congratulating you, and he just kind
Speaker 4: of winks, yeah, yeah, we did it together.
Speaker 1: Yeah he had a mustache. She kind of looked like,
Speaker 1: is it, Uh, who is the guy in all those
Speaker 1: Revenge movies. He looked like what's his name.
Speaker 4: The guy with the mustache, Revenge Move, James Woods, the
Speaker 4: Vigilante Move.
Speaker 1: You know, his daughter older, older, like shit, Charles Bronson,
Speaker 1: Charles Bronson. That's what he looked like.
Speaker 4: Oddly, that is was he Is he your brother, your dad's.
Speaker 1: Brother, No, he was. They weren't blood relatives, okay, they
Speaker 1: were our next door neighbors and my parents' best friends.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, So we just did everything with them and
Speaker 1: still do. My cousin, my Auntie still lives on that ranch,
Speaker 1: and my cousin Stevie moved back to the ranch and
Speaker 1: built a house on it. And now we when we
Speaker 1: go to like Christmas, it's a it's in the same place.
Speaker 4: Oh coo, he's still around.
Speaker 1: Yep. No. My uncle Steve died when I was twelve.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, real shocking, sad. The first time I ever
Speaker 1: had to deal with death in my life.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And he had a heart attack and drop dead when
Speaker 1: he was like fifty five. Wow, just out of the blue.
Speaker 1: It was really awful. Yeah. And then basically I think
Speaker 1: because of that, our families got even closer. So like
Speaker 1: my cousin Steve and my sister, like they're like brother
Speaker 1: and sister. Like my cousin Stevie baby sits my niece,
Speaker 1: like we spend every holiday together.
Speaker 4: Oh that's great.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't get to because I'm down here trying
Speaker 1: to live the life of a Hollywood star.
Speaker 4: You are living it.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to. But it's lonely, and I don't get
Speaker 1: to have Easter egg hunts with my family.
Speaker 4: It's lonely. It is, it is. I realized the other
Speaker 4: day or last night. I went to go to that
Speaker 4: party and I couldn't find my car because I had
Speaker 4: parked it a week ago. I didn't move my car
Speaker 4: for a week, so that's a you know. I ride
Speaker 4: my bike to my therapy. I go to a new
Speaker 4: physical therapist. He's a semi pro skateboarder, but he's the
Speaker 4: doctor of physical therapy. So I showed up and I'm like,
Speaker 4: I'm I want to skateboard again, and these are the
Speaker 4: tricks I'm having trouble with. And he's like, that's this
Speaker 4: muscle and this muscle, and he poke me up to
Speaker 4: a machine and we tested the strength of my legs
Speaker 4: and in different directions, and he really has figured out
Speaker 4: how to isolate because even if I take these classes
Speaker 4: like that bar method thing and we're doing these leg
Speaker 4: kicks or whatever, I have other muscles doing that work
Speaker 4: for the muscles that should be doing it. Like I'm
Speaker 4: compensating in certain ways. Yeah, and so I have all
Speaker 4: this scar tissue and weird shit happening in front of
Speaker 4: my leg when because that's pushing instead of letting my
Speaker 4: ass muscle do it or what. You know what I'm saying, Yes,
Speaker 4: I think so, and he's real good at it, and
Speaker 4: I'm The point is you're here about to see a
Speaker 4: mid forties skateboard career blossom. Hell yeah, And I won't
Speaker 4: even need to do this comedy. It's just gonna get
Speaker 4: in the way of how how much of course?
Speaker 1: Now do you think I'll never stop doing comedy, You'll
Speaker 1: never stop doing comedy. But could you be on the
Speaker 1: cover of Thrasher magazine? Is it too late?
Speaker 4: It is too late, because now what these kids are
Speaker 4: actual athletes and they are jumping off things that horrify me. Yeah,
Speaker 4: and it's it's pretty much about that. How big and
Speaker 4: technical can you go? And I can only go technical
Speaker 4: on the flat ground, and my little flat ground tricks
Speaker 4: are not going to make it on they're not photo worthy.
Speaker 4: Maybe video. You know, you could see a little could
Speaker 4: you do? That's a footwork gift?
Speaker 1: Could could you drop into a half pipe if you
Speaker 1: had to?
Speaker 4: Oh? Sure of course?
Speaker 1: Okay, oh yeah, yeah, Well that's a big deal to me.
Speaker 4: I mean it's it's uh, you know, I just have
Speaker 4: higher expectations of myself. I've been doing it so long. Yeah,
Speaker 4: and it's just like you know, but I like I
Speaker 4: like it. It makes me have I think that I'll
Speaker 4: be real happy when I get when I have the
Speaker 4: legs of a boy again.
Speaker 1: Yes, so you have to build it back up and
Speaker 1: then that's like a good goal. Now, let's talk real
Speaker 1: quick about your fist therapist one more time. Is he married?
Speaker 4: He is? I don't know. I don't know. I was
Speaker 4: following on him on Instagram. Why are you attracted to him?
Speaker 1: A skateboarder doctor? Yes? Are you crazy? That's the dream
Speaker 1: he is.
Speaker 4: It's funny, he really does. He is a he talks clinically.
Speaker 4: He's very really smart. He has a good bedside manner.
Speaker 4: I'm usually softthand he's got Oh no, he really did.
Speaker 4: He puts his elbow into my scar tissue and it hurts,
Speaker 4: and he's like, this is gonna hurt a little bit,
Speaker 4: but it's uh and it does. I like sweat, but
Speaker 4: he's really breaking it up nice.
Speaker 1: But yeah, yeah, let's I'll have some stuff getting broken up.
Speaker 4: And then yeah, he's a sound skateboarder. If he does
Speaker 4: a lot of flip and flip out letch work, he's good.
Speaker 1: I'm just picturing Tony Hawk in a white coat and
Speaker 1: I'm into it. I want to get in there somehow.
Speaker 4: Yep, I you know I could ask. I can drop
Speaker 4: some hints. So you a single guy. Doc. Now look
Speaker 4: at that he turned into homes as he's put it,
Speaker 4: throwing his elbow into my.
Speaker 1: Fleshir I Now, have I told you about going to
Speaker 1: the finally going back to the dentist after yours and years,
Speaker 1: and my dentist turned out to be a beautiful man.
Speaker 4: No, he became beautiful.
Speaker 1: Yes, right in front of my eyes. No, I went
Speaker 1: so I was having props. So I hadn't been to
Speaker 1: the dentist in a really long time, right, because I
Speaker 1: got all paranoid and phobic because I had to get
Speaker 1: all these terrible root canals. So I'm like, I can't
Speaker 1: do it anymore. I can't have my teeth thrilled ever again.
Speaker 1: So I finally was starting to get pain. But my
Speaker 1: the Caesar medicine I take for my gums is bad
Speaker 1: for my gums, so I can't not go And so
Speaker 1: I started getting really worried that I was like basically
Speaker 1: eroding all of my own teeth away, and like I
Speaker 1: was getting paranoid about it.
Speaker 4: Of course, you have dreams. Do you have dreams where
Speaker 4: they'd crumble and fell out of your face as you're
Speaker 4: talking cookie crumbs and.
Speaker 1: You're trying to grab them and apologize.
Speaker 4: Together, like you're gluing an expensive.
Speaker 1: Vase, tiny tiny vases in your mouth. So I finally
Speaker 1: was getting pain and in tooth where I'm like, this
Speaker 1: is a cavity. I have to go back to the dentist.
Speaker 1: So I looked up a dental place and I found
Speaker 1: a place that was kind of in Beverly Hills, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, these people are going to charge me and
Speaker 1: it's going to be worth my while, and they like
Speaker 1: it seemed like a real fancy, high end dentist. Like
Speaker 1: I'm fucking going there. I go in for for a
Speaker 1: consultation and the dentist that looked at my teeth for
Speaker 1: the consultation, I was like, I think I have to
Speaker 1: get gum surgery. I was like almost crying as I
Speaker 1: was telling him all my problems. The guy looks at
Speaker 1: my mouth and he's like, it's fine. You just need
Speaker 1: to get like a deep cleaning and you just need
Speaker 1: to like get you know, catch up with all your stuff. Sure,
Speaker 1: and it made me feel so much better. It was
Speaker 1: like the best thing I could have done for myself.
Speaker 1: But when I went back to actually start getting the
Speaker 1: work done.
Speaker 4: Had gone from a frog to a print.
Speaker 1: Well, it wasn't him. The consultation dentist was one guy.
Speaker 1: Then he's like, here's your here's your dentist, who's about
Speaker 1: to go dig around in your mouth. And then this
Speaker 1: beautiful Persian man comes around the corner. I don't know
Speaker 1: if he's Persian, just a Laddin type, a gorgeous Aladdin type,
Speaker 1: which is my type. That's my I love a swarthy
Speaker 1: man cool. And then he's all digging in my mouth now,
Speaker 1: and it was really humilating. But then I was like, no,
Speaker 1: this is good. It's good for me to go through
Speaker 1: this and like get this bad work done. And and
Speaker 1: like pay for my sins. And now I'm slowly getting
Speaker 1: the I have a dentist point in like every week
Speaker 1: really and I just always go back to my crush dentist,
Speaker 1: and he's taking care of business for me.
Speaker 4: Really, you've been going that regularly?
Speaker 1: Yes, I've had How long is.
Speaker 4: This steep cleaning taking?
Speaker 1: Oh well that's next week.
Speaker 4: I first heard this, I did one, and they are
Speaker 4: it's a thing.
Speaker 1: It's awful.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's it's but I was afterwards, it's you feel
Speaker 4: like your tongue touches your teeth and it's like, oh
Speaker 4: am I wearing brand new dentures is yeah, pretty great.
Speaker 4: It's the best great, best seven hundred dollars I've ever
Speaker 4: spent on myself.
Speaker 1: Well, you know what's funny too, it is I am
Speaker 1: so grateful. Look at this new target.
Speaker 4: So exciting. Yeah, it's kind of throwbacky.
Speaker 1: It's little, it's fun yeah. I yeah. What was I
Speaker 1: going to say is that, uh, now that I have
Speaker 1: money to spend, I want to spend it on these
Speaker 1: things that have been just they've been hovering over me
Speaker 1: like awful vultures. Sure, and it scared me how bad?
Speaker 1: Like because I you know, I'm one of those people's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I better flash my teeth because I have bad breath
Speaker 1: right type of not doing it right right and knowing
Speaker 1: I'm not doing it right, whereas like the only thing
Speaker 1: at the end of this is dentures. You're just gonna
Speaker 1: not flush your teeth into dentures.
Speaker 4: Teeth are so important, they really are.
Speaker 1: And then I got I told you how I broke.
Speaker 1: I broke a back tooth and then just had it
Speaker 1: was like half a tooth with an exposed silver filling.
Speaker 1: And then I was just like this is now We're
Speaker 1: getting into like fucking hillbilly territory.
Speaker 4: Oh, where there's like different types of alloys in your mouth.
Speaker 1: Where you're just yeah, but also just broken teeth, like
Speaker 1: you have to take care of that ship.
Speaker 4: You're gonna deal with at some point. Yeah, right.
Speaker 1: So I find he rebuilt my tooth like that's what
Speaker 1: we started with, took out the silver now not silver filling.
Speaker 1: Then he fixed another filling and the one that hurt.
Speaker 1: He's just fucking fixing my life, you know. On Levan's Aunt.
Speaker 4: It's funny because I you know what I don't have
Speaker 4: in in God given hip strength, I haven't tea. I mean,
Speaker 4: those failed for no reason. But my teeth. I just
Speaker 4: am lucky. I think I've never had a I know
Speaker 4: I've I've bragged about this before.
Speaker 1: It is really lucky it is to not have to
Speaker 1: get your teeth drilled. I'm telling you.
Speaker 4: So, I'm no longer bragging. I'm just saying I'm lucky.
Speaker 4: That's nothing I did, just was given. You know.
Speaker 1: I bet you don't eat sweets the way I do.
Speaker 4: And that's the other my other Easter memory to bring
Speaker 4: it back to that, my mom really had me paranoid
Speaker 4: about my teeth to where I would My dad said
Speaker 4: I would eat a piece of candy and then brush
Speaker 4: my teeth, and then eat another piece of candy, and
Speaker 4: then brush my teeth again. I would brush after each
Speaker 4: piece of candy. And that's more like an unhealthy paranoia.
Speaker 1: Still, though, as it's I would argue, it's worth it
Speaker 1: because now you don't have to I mean, to not
Speaker 1: have to be under the fucking lash of a dentist
Speaker 1: drill is just I envy you so much.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I never have experienced that. I've never been drilled.
Speaker 4: I've been I've had sealins like this could be a
Speaker 4: cat you know, let's but I don't think yeah, yeah,
Speaker 4: I've never any drilling done good.
Speaker 1: That's the best. Well, also, these this dentist is they're
Speaker 1: all about the least amount of drilling and invasiveness possible.
Speaker 1: So they just they're all about tooth and gum health
Speaker 1: like and with the least amount of being invasive. It's
Speaker 1: it's very rich people approach, have you heard?
Speaker 4: And it's more in dealing with kids, there's and there's
Speaker 4: a weird bench and it's just so creepy. It's like
Speaker 4: we deal with dental chickens. And I was like, Okay,
Speaker 4: that's a someone that's scared. Yes, but there was a
Speaker 4: preated creepy not an Aladdin Sprints looking guy with a
Speaker 4: little kid that looked real scared. That isn't his kid,
Speaker 4: and he's a little close and it and what is
Speaker 4: there's another chicken? What is the like there's a pantom
Speaker 4: pedophiley thing chicken hawks? What is that hawk or something?
Speaker 1: Yes, that was a movie about pedophile that praise on
Speaker 1: little boys and in their minds they believe the little
Speaker 1: boys are flirting with them and it's one of the
Speaker 1: grossest I've seen. Part of that documentary it's so disturbing
Speaker 1: because these men are like, look, they're this is a
Speaker 1: relationship or having they're flirting with me, and there's just
Speaker 1: little boys on a bike like being alive and being
Speaker 1: a little kid.
Speaker 4: Yeah. That and it was that. When I saw dental chickens,
Speaker 4: I thought chicken out and it just created this whole thing.
Speaker 4: But I know there was I went ice skating one time.
Speaker 4: There's an ice skating rink and it's kind of cool.
Speaker 4: It's real ice, and you rent skates and they hurt
Speaker 4: your fucking feet, but mostly little kids. But this one
Speaker 4: time I went, there was a guy there that had
Speaker 4: all these jewels, like giant rings, just I can't His
Speaker 4: skates were bedazzled with gems, and he had his hair
Speaker 4: dyed and pulled back, and he was a good skater
Speaker 4: at some point, maybe he skated, but he was strange
Speaker 4: and he was leaning against the glass and he was
Speaker 4: looking at kids and he was holding his hand out
Speaker 4: and showing his rings, and little kids would be like
Speaker 4: cool rings, mister or whatever. Like he was being weird.
Speaker 4: He was being a weird guy, and he was like
Speaker 4: trying to connect with these kids. And I skated up
Speaker 4: and I'm like what are you doing? Why do you
Speaker 4: showing your rings off? Are you here alone? And then
Speaker 4: he uh packed everything up and left, but I think, wow,
Speaker 4: Well he sat down and he took his skates off,
Speaker 4: and he just kept staring at me like he wanted
Speaker 4: to fight me. Oh good, but he was. It was
Speaker 4: weird and it was so obvious that I wouldn't do that.
Speaker 4: That's a pretty sensitive you know. And I didn't really
Speaker 4: accuse him. I just said, what are you doing? Why
Speaker 4: do you keep showing your rings to kids? Like right?
Speaker 4: And there was like a little gift area where you know,
Speaker 4: you could buy a three dollars pickle or whatever. There's
Speaker 4: like kid kids behind the glass sitting and he kept
Speaker 4: skating by and looking. It was weird.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's like an instinctual thing, you know, when somebody's
Speaker 1: got bad intentions.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and he but he was, yeah, it was when
Speaker 4: you say flirt, like in his mind. He was like, well,
Speaker 4: if I you know, I don't know, it's so weird
Speaker 4: to even talk about this stuff, but I know, but
Speaker 4: it was happening.
Speaker 1: Did you watch this series mind Hunter on Netflix that
Speaker 1: was about the guys from the FBI.
Speaker 4: That, Yeah, that's great. I like a lot of people
Speaker 4: thought it was boring. I thought it was really good.
Speaker 4: It Everyone that plays a killer in.
Speaker 1: That is so amazing. But remember the part where there
Speaker 1: he was talking to the the grammar school principal who
Speaker 1: was tickling kids feet and then telling him to stop,
Speaker 1: and he was getting really indignant and be like, I'll
Speaker 1: do what I want like that right there. I was
Speaker 1: thinking about that argument the other day. I'm like, it's
Speaker 1: so fucked. If people tell you they don't want you
Speaker 1: touching their children, the answer is that's fine. And of
Speaker 1: course these days that's blatantly obvious. But at the time,
Speaker 1: back then, this was a man who's like a psychopath
Speaker 1: like that or whatever. That guy was sociopath whatever. That
Speaker 1: the hubris of arguing with people going I will touch
Speaker 1: your children. I'm not doing anything wrong, or it's like
Speaker 1: but you you how would you know if you can't
Speaker 1: even admit that somebody else wants you to do something
Speaker 1: differently and you can't be that flexible, right, Like what
Speaker 1: is the in mental I just think I think that
Speaker 1: part of that show was so fascinating because they're like,
Speaker 1: you can't accuse him, you can't like arrest him before
Speaker 1: he's done anything. All he's doing is tickling their feet,
Speaker 1: but he's going, no, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't
Speaker 1: feel right, and it's like it's not right. Yeah, now
Speaker 1: we know that, but in the seventies there is no
Speaker 1: way to prove it. There was no like I don't know.
Speaker 4: And it's like a lot of people are like cult
Speaker 4: leaders or whatever. They're in a position of power and
Speaker 4: they think they can just do that and they'll validate
Speaker 4: it in their brain. Yes, like of course, it's my
Speaker 4: method of teaching and it works.
Speaker 1: And also you're not allowed to say anything to me.
Speaker 1: I get to do whatever I want where it's like yeah,
Speaker 1: but you don't. Yeah, it turns.
Speaker 4: Out yeah, And we need to talk more about these
Speaker 4: boners you're getting out of it, right, That's really what
Speaker 4: we need to do.
Speaker 1: I think this our show as a podcast. Sure, maybe
Speaker 1: there's a lot of times we just talk about bullshit, right,
Speaker 1: but then we go right to aphilia and we really
Speaker 1: face it, and I think that's important.
Speaker 4: Not enough people are talking about it to no end
Speaker 4: to really.
Speaker 1: Really lay down the law of it's wrong to be
Speaker 1: a pedophile, right, because.
Speaker 4: That I don't like how most people are on the
Speaker 4: fence about it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean that's gross.
Speaker 4: We're trying to line in the sand.
Speaker 1: We really are, We're not afraid to say it.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Oh, there's a lot of picnics happening around my in
Speaker 1: my neighborhood today.
Speaker 4: It's fun. I like to drive around and see people
Speaker 4: outdoors from indoors in a car with air conditioning. Yeah,
Speaker 4: it just seems really warm. Oh, look at those people
Speaker 4: on their high horse. It's not even funny to you.
Speaker 4: And it's based on a sign.
Speaker 1: Oh comedy, it's just a mystery.
Speaker 4: It's just a tall sign that said high horse. It's like,
Speaker 4: what could you have called the place? Assholes?
Speaker 1: Look at these assholes?
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, judgment cafe.
Speaker 1: Judgment can't Oh oh pick the lanes Today the Bowling
Speaker 1: Center has an Easter special going on. Well that's exciting.
Speaker 4: Yeah, all it is is they just painted the pins turquoise.
Speaker 1: They just dyed the pins in pink vinegar all night
Speaker 1: long last night. The whole place reeks of vinegar.
Speaker 4: Oh it's so funny that I do. That is a
Speaker 4: good memory. The night before egg thing was real. That
Speaker 4: was man. Yeah, let's everyone just think about that.
Speaker 1: Let's think about the good times. Oh, hello, sir, that's.
Speaker 4: Your type, right, there isn't it.
Speaker 1: He is a real grizzly man. That guy, yeah.
Speaker 4: Jogging, just jogging to his photo shoot. It's gonna put
Speaker 4: him on the cover of a brawny towel. I love it.
Speaker 1: If a brownie man jogs, Yes, I say yes to that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I support it from my car, never jogging, rarely moving, no.
Speaker 4: But pretending to be interested in it when you talk
Speaker 4: to him at the grocery store.
Speaker 1: That's right. Yes, I also am wearing tennis shoes, but
Speaker 1: I don't move very quickly.
Speaker 4: Oh, these sketched ketch sketchers shape ups. It's so funny
Speaker 4: you notice imow.
Speaker 1: Embarrassing, embarrassing anyway, I have the huge calves.
Speaker 4: Ah nuts. Well with this, we we did a first take.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're done.
Speaker 4: We're done. We know when it is out of our sales.
Speaker 1: My coffee is just expired.
Speaker 4: Yeah, well I but it's it was as fun as always.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this is great.
Speaker 4: And thanks to our guest tonight, and thank you to Easter.
Speaker 1: Yes, our guest tonight was the Easter Bunny. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much for being here. You big creep.
Speaker 4: Yes, breathing art in the back seat.
Speaker 1: With your eyes that are actually metal mesh wire?
Speaker 4: Stay out of my kids. Fucking sock throw you.
Speaker 1: Fucking foot tickling pervert?
Speaker 4: Did it you've been listening? Do you need a ride?
Speaker 4: D y n air?
Speaker 1: Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?
Speaker 3: Either way we want to be there, doesn't matter how
Speaker 3: much baggage you claim and give us time and they
Speaker 3: turn and on and gay.
Speaker 2: We want to send you off insty. We want to
Speaker 2: welcome you back home.
Speaker 1: Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine? Malcorn?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 4: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 4: Do you need with Karen and chriss mm hm