1 00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:07,160 Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha, and welcome to Stuff 2 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:08,880 Speaker 1: I'll Never teld you production off I Heart Radio's how 3 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:23,360 Speaker 1: Stuff Works. Today, we're talking about dutiful daughters and dutiful children. Um. 4 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:27,440 Speaker 1: And and this one is personal for me because, um, 5 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:32,520 Speaker 1: I recently lost my father. And uh so it's gonna 6 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,960 Speaker 1: be a little anecdotal and a little selfish to be honest, 7 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:41,880 Speaker 1: and trigger warnings for terminal cancer and illness, death and grief. 8 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,560 Speaker 1: And I also want to just stay at the top 9 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:48,920 Speaker 1: one of my defense mechanisms. It's humor, so right, it 10 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:54,720 Speaker 1: might sound insensitive. I'm generally not right, generally not. As 11 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:58,280 Speaker 1: I've said on past podcast, my father was diagnosed with 12 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:02,480 Speaker 1: terminal cancer several years ago. UM, a couple of weeks ago, 13 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:06,280 Speaker 1: he was not doing well and he died. In fact, 14 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:08,280 Speaker 1: as as I was typing up this outline, I got 15 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:10,759 Speaker 1: a text from my mom and she hardly ever text 16 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:14,000 Speaker 1: that said I should come home right now because he 17 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,520 Speaker 1: might not have much more time. And she was right, 18 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:19,319 Speaker 1: because the day I was supposed to go home, um, 19 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:20,600 Speaker 1: the same day I was supposed to come in and 20 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:24,800 Speaker 1: record this, he died. Um. I was actually like about 21 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,800 Speaker 1: to leave the apartment and I wanted to talk about 22 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:33,920 Speaker 1: the role of dutiful daughter, what we actually planned this happened, um, 23 00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:36,160 Speaker 1: and how it ripples out and it hits everything else 24 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:40,000 Speaker 1: in your life, and also what happens when that relationship 25 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:44,560 Speaker 1: is complicated, and um, I had to go through and 26 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:46,760 Speaker 1: change everything to the past tense in this outline. So 27 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:51,080 Speaker 1: if it's wonky, that's why I kept to the original 28 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 1: one to compare it too, because I'm weird, and also 29 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,240 Speaker 1: because I accidentally captured by immediate before in my immediate 30 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,080 Speaker 1: after what I thought was going to happen and what 31 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:03,960 Speaker 1: actually happened, And a lot of people when they found 32 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 1: out this happened, they would always they would ask was 33 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:10,160 Speaker 1: it sudden? And it reminds me my favorite Buffy quote 34 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:15,800 Speaker 1: when Tara says about death. It's always said, so we 35 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:21,639 Speaker 1: do have some numbers here, some not so specific personal numbers. Um. Yeah, 36 00:02:21,639 --> 00:02:23,639 Speaker 1: because we we did want to highlight this is something 37 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,800 Speaker 1: that impacts a lot of us. About forty four million 38 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:29,080 Speaker 1: US adults care for an older family member or friend, 39 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,680 Speaker 1: and a lot of these caregivers spend twenty hours a 40 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:35,280 Speaker 1: week on this task, a part time job equivalent. This 41 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,520 Speaker 1: can lead to caregiver burnout, and a lot of women 42 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:41,760 Speaker 1: do this care about sixty six. The responsibility a woman 43 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,960 Speaker 1: feels to be a caregiver for an aging parent or 44 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:47,760 Speaker 1: guardian is sometimes called the dutiful daughter syndrome. Smisplaced the 45 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:51,120 Speaker 1: value of the unpaid informal care women do it one 46 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:55,600 Speaker 1: forty eight billion to one eight billion dollars. It impacts 47 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,520 Speaker 1: work hours and wages as well as Up to forty 48 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:01,120 Speaker 1: one percent of middle aged women caregivers experience this. If 49 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:04,080 Speaker 1: you're taking time off to provide the care, it impacts 50 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,320 Speaker 1: work hours and wages as well. About forty of middle 51 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:10,680 Speaker 1: aged women caregivers experienced this, and with that, if you're 52 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:13,359 Speaker 1: taking time off to provide care and promotions and other 53 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,440 Speaker 1: job opportunities. So women who do this care are two 54 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:19,440 Speaker 1: point four times more likely than those who don't live 55 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:22,720 Speaker 1: in poverty. Single women have even less options when it 56 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,799 Speaker 1: comes to public programs or providing care. The estimated total 57 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,120 Speaker 1: cost of female caregiving when it comes to social security 58 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:34,560 Speaker 1: benefits and lost wages is four thousand and forty four dollars. Well, 59 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:38,040 Speaker 1: that's a lot. The negative impact on a retirement fund 60 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:42,160 Speaker 1: for caregivers forty dollars or more forty dollars more for 61 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,800 Speaker 1: women as compared to men on average, there's a high 62 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,640 Speaker 1: cost for businesses to three point three billion in lost 63 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 1: jobs to women who had to quit and three seven 64 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:54,520 Speaker 1: million dollars and absenteeism or arriving late, leaving early, long 65 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:58,200 Speaker 1: lunch breaks. With the federal mandates for family paid leaving 66 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:00,600 Speaker 1: families pay time off, people lose a lot of money 67 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,880 Speaker 1: because they can only they only get to embursed a 68 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,880 Speaker 1: certain amount of times. And it's amazing and as in fact, 69 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,119 Speaker 1: there's oftentimes in contracts where you'll lose your job after 70 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,920 Speaker 1: a certain amount of absentees, but even if it is 71 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:15,040 Speaker 1: a family emergency, it's pretty high on that one. And 72 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,920 Speaker 1: then there are the negative health consequences for the caregivers too, 73 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:21,480 Speaker 1: especially when it comes to things like depression and anxiety. 74 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,040 Speaker 1: Up to six times more likely to experience these things 75 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:27,200 Speaker 1: than non caregivers, so there's a lot of social isolation. 76 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,240 Speaker 1: And then of course this hits women of color even 77 00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:34,480 Speaker 1: more and lower income women even more. I read so 78 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:37,719 Speaker 1: many how to deal with family dynamics when an elderly 79 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,760 Speaker 1: parent is dying articles, and I gotta say my situation 80 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:45,080 Speaker 1: is Slash was apparently not that bad um, because there 81 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,680 Speaker 1: were tips like expect the worst from your siblings, from 82 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:54,000 Speaker 1: your parents, from your spouse. Also, I should clarify I 83 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:55,800 Speaker 1: was on the lighter end of this caregiving. I did 84 00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:59,280 Speaker 1: do a lot of you know, working from home and 85 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,360 Speaker 1: your appointments and doctor appointments and things like that. But 86 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,800 Speaker 1: my mom, who is younger than my dad, UM, she 87 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:09,120 Speaker 1: did most of it. And UM a part of this. 88 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:13,080 Speaker 1: I've always felt a kind of responsibility to my parents. 89 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,320 Speaker 1: I call every Sunday. In college, I came home every 90 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:18,000 Speaker 1: other weekend. Nowadays I do it about once a month, 91 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:20,400 Speaker 1: and I wanted to ask if you had a similar experience, 92 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,760 Speaker 1: I would say for my family, so there's myself, an 93 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:26,320 Speaker 1: older sister, and two older brothers, and my oldest sister 94 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,960 Speaker 1: is probably the main point of contact. She's not the 95 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,400 Speaker 1: oldest of all of us. There's like an older brother, 96 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:34,160 Speaker 1: my sister, another brother, and then I'm the youngest and 97 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,200 Speaker 1: my brother and I are about the younger brother and 98 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,159 Speaker 1: I are about seven months apart because I'm adopted and 99 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 1: they are not. But um, she is the point of 100 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:43,800 Speaker 1: contact and would be the one that does more of 101 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:45,800 Speaker 1: this than I do. I think if I get any 102 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:49,520 Speaker 1: updates from the family is from my sister and my 103 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:51,440 Speaker 1: mother of course, but when it comes in regards to 104 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,559 Speaker 1: like taking care of my parents and as they get older, 105 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,360 Speaker 1: who's responsible for what? And again, my parents were really 106 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,880 Speaker 1: young when they started having children, so they're still kind 107 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,120 Speaker 1: of on the younger side and the healthy. There's no 108 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,640 Speaker 1: no ailments that UM would bring us to come out 109 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,520 Speaker 1: about and having to take care of them out right. 110 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,240 Speaker 1: So I will say for me, I have the lesser 111 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:13,600 Speaker 1: responsibility because my older sister takes on that. So it's 112 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:17,360 Speaker 1: definitely another female for sure, but it's not me. Yeah, 113 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:20,159 Speaker 1: And a lot of articles I read did come to 114 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:24,719 Speaker 1: that conclusion that in families with siblings, UM, it's usually 115 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,960 Speaker 1: if there is a woman, it's usually her right, not 116 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,440 Speaker 1: always though, UM. And for me, when I would call 117 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:34,360 Speaker 1: my parents, I found out I would speak for like 118 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:36,440 Speaker 1: forty minutes with my mom and like two minutes with 119 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 1: my dad, and it was always kind of this, um, 120 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:44,400 Speaker 1: update on you're doing something to make me proud? Right, Yeah, 121 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,400 Speaker 1: so proud? And I will say that is the number 122 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:49,560 Speaker 1: one thing people tell you at a funeral, is your 123 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:54,840 Speaker 1: dad proud of you? Which I did find interesting and 124 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:56,680 Speaker 1: one of the reasons I wanted to talk about this 125 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:01,000 Speaker 1: other than selfish reasons, is when this for just happened, 126 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,840 Speaker 1: when I first found out, and then things like when 127 00:07:04,839 --> 00:07:06,200 Speaker 1: I first found out my dad was sick, and then 128 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,440 Speaker 1: when our relationship got complicated, which I'll go into a 129 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 1: little bit more later. UM, I did there are resources 130 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,360 Speaker 1: out there, There are a lot of resources out there, 131 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 1: but I kind of wanted something more personal or are 132 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,640 Speaker 1: just something like what is this like? What does it 133 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:25,720 Speaker 1: feel like? Because it doesn't it's complicated, and that you 134 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:29,560 Speaker 1: feel weird because of that, because there's so many emotions 135 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:33,480 Speaker 1: swirling around and you don't obviously sick. This and depth 136 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,200 Speaker 1: and family, there's nothing black and white about it, absolutely, 137 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,920 Speaker 1: So for the history section, it's a history about me 138 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:45,040 Speaker 1: and um, it's it's about me and my dad's illness. 139 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,520 Speaker 1: And also kind of a question I get a lot 140 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,680 Speaker 1: is how did I get this job? Um, which is 141 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:55,000 Speaker 1: seemingly a fun, safe question, and I don't don't. I 142 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,520 Speaker 1: don't get mad when people ask it, But for me, 143 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,600 Speaker 1: it always comes with this knowledge that I don't necessarily 144 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,880 Speaker 1: share all the time that it's because largely my dad 145 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:08,800 Speaker 1: was diagnosed with terminal cancer. UM. Because I went to 146 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:14,360 Speaker 1: college to become a spy. I remember the story this 147 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,440 Speaker 1: is This is one of those moments of like, oh, 148 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,880 Speaker 1: who are you? Are you real? Are you for real? 149 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:20,960 Speaker 1: For real? Are you a character from a novel? Maybe 150 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:25,600 Speaker 1: it was this cover or a diplomat. I just I 151 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,200 Speaker 1: really wanted to travel, and you know, I had big 152 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:32,360 Speaker 1: ideas of helping with peace, although I guess being a 153 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:36,880 Speaker 1: spy would not really have been beneficial. It could have been. Um. Anyway, 154 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,120 Speaker 1: every summer I got a job in a different country 155 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,439 Speaker 1: and some type of government nonprofit, and I spent my 156 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,839 Speaker 1: junior year in China. And at first I hated it. 157 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:48,160 Speaker 1: Oh God, I hated it because no one spoke English. 158 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,200 Speaker 1: No signs are manis were in English opinion, which is 159 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:55,120 Speaker 1: kind of the anglicized when it's written in English, even 160 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:59,520 Speaker 1: if it's kind of how it sounds um. And no 161 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,080 Speaker 1: one under stood my not very good Mandarin. I don't 162 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,880 Speaker 1: blame anyone for that. I'm not mad that they didn't 163 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,680 Speaker 1: have anything in English. I was just kind of misled. 164 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:09,240 Speaker 1: I've sort of led to believe that it would have 165 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:14,440 Speaker 1: been so I remember very clearly crying alone in my apartments. 166 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:16,840 Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be there, like six eight months with 167 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:19,920 Speaker 1: a bowl of a cold, cold bowl of cup of noodles, 168 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,440 Speaker 1: and I was eating it with the handle of a 169 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,920 Speaker 1: comb and a toothbrush because I was too embarrassed to 170 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:30,240 Speaker 1: go out in public or attempt to ask for chopsticks. Also, 171 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,079 Speaker 1: I really should have boiled that water, and I paid 172 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:35,680 Speaker 1: for that later. But then I fell in love. I 173 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:38,000 Speaker 1: fell in love, I learned, I met friends, I found 174 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:41,040 Speaker 1: a tribe. I got bolder and braver, and I really 175 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:45,720 Speaker 1: did not want to leave. Um. My questionable tribal tattoo. 176 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:48,440 Speaker 1: I got that because my best friend, one of my 177 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:51,200 Speaker 1: best friends that I met there. Um, we just randomly 178 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:53,920 Speaker 1: picked a tattoo to remember each other by because we 179 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:57,800 Speaker 1: thought we would never see each other again. And I 180 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,600 Speaker 1: feel things really really strong me and I. I I think 181 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,200 Speaker 1: that's great, but it is painful. UM. So when people 182 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,680 Speaker 1: ask me what it means, I always say it means 183 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,600 Speaker 1: I met a once in a lifetime friend in China. 184 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:13,680 Speaker 1: And then the people in China they offered me a job, 185 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,160 Speaker 1: a forever job, and I decided I wanted it. I 186 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:17,680 Speaker 1: wanted to move to China, but I had to go 187 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:20,800 Speaker 1: back to the US first and graduate early and get 188 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,400 Speaker 1: the documentation and also a very long story. But I 189 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:27,480 Speaker 1: was in China legally too, um and moved my stuff 190 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,760 Speaker 1: and that was my plan. And I kept this plan 191 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:32,840 Speaker 1: for my parents because I knew they would not approve. 192 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:36,520 Speaker 1: And I graduated early into this day that it is 193 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:40,120 Speaker 1: one of my biggest regrets because I didn't declare early enough. 194 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:43,439 Speaker 1: It's strange heart works here. Um. I did not get 195 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,760 Speaker 1: all all the minors and certificates that I earned, and 196 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,000 Speaker 1: it would cost me too much to go back to 197 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:51,720 Speaker 1: school just to declare and get them. I got the 198 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,040 Speaker 1: documentation though, I got an apartment in China, and then 199 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:58,240 Speaker 1: I told my parents and they told me, hey, your 200 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:01,040 Speaker 1: dad has terminal cancer and when you come back, you 201 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:05,400 Speaker 1: might be visiting a tombstone. And my mind went totally blank, 202 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:08,800 Speaker 1: and all my plans, all my plans and the future 203 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:12,640 Speaker 1: I had been so excitedly preparing it fell away, and 204 00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:17,320 Speaker 1: I was holy had five to eight years. So now 205 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,360 Speaker 1: I was torn because I had friends telling me you 206 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,160 Speaker 1: had to live your own life, you can't drop everything. 207 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,559 Speaker 1: And I had other people telling me, you know, families, everything, 208 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:33,000 Speaker 1: you need a treasure this time meanwhile, years ago, when 209 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:37,760 Speaker 1: years ago, years ago, so even years ago within this past, um, 210 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:39,840 Speaker 1: when I was in high school, I had applied to 211 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:43,560 Speaker 1: a job online at the house stuff Works office in 212 00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:47,120 Speaker 1: Atlanta and the time I wanted to make documentaries. The 213 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:50,480 Speaker 1: response I got was lulls, you're too young. Apply again. 214 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,240 Speaker 1: We really like your enthusiasm. And I never did apply 215 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,240 Speaker 1: again because I lost hope that I could ever make 216 00:11:55,280 --> 00:12:00,520 Speaker 1: money off of that and um I I swear swear. 217 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,920 Speaker 1: The final week before I had to make the decision 218 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,920 Speaker 1: to move to China or not to move to China, 219 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:09,080 Speaker 1: I get a call from the house stuff Works office 220 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:13,040 Speaker 1: in Atlanta, and I had an updated my resume HUT 221 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:16,280 Speaker 1: and replied this was out of the blue, but they 222 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,280 Speaker 1: wanted me to come in for an interview. When I 223 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:24,280 Speaker 1: told my parents about this, they were ecstatic. Yes, you 224 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,439 Speaker 1: have to go. There is that you have to You 225 00:12:26,559 --> 00:12:28,640 Speaker 1: want to do this since high school and if you 226 00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:31,760 Speaker 1: get the job, you could stay and be close and 227 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,400 Speaker 1: in case something happens to your dad. Of course, I 228 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:39,240 Speaker 1: went into the interview thinking I have no qualifications, I'll 229 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:43,280 Speaker 1: never get this. Um but I was enthusiastic and I 230 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:47,240 Speaker 1: was prepared and Jerry, Yes from stuff you should know. 231 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,160 Speaker 1: She interviewed me and she hired me, and I did 232 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,320 Speaker 1: accept it, in part because I was super excited, and 233 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:56,120 Speaker 1: in part because at the time it was an internship 234 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,280 Speaker 1: and I thought that, you know, when it's up, I 235 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,800 Speaker 1: could go to China. Then I still had technically to 236 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:04,120 Speaker 1: wait for graduation. UM, and this internship was college credit. 237 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,760 Speaker 1: And in part because I did feel a responsibility to 238 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,200 Speaker 1: be close to home in case, and because I'm a 239 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 1: quick learner and fun to work with. If I don't 240 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:17,520 Speaker 1: say so much, I find to walk with thank you, UM, 241 00:13:17,559 --> 00:13:20,520 Speaker 1: just the best all around. UM. When the internship was up, 242 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,360 Speaker 1: I got offered a full time job, and again I 243 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,800 Speaker 1: had to wrestle with this decision, except now I had 244 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:28,360 Speaker 1: a job and co workers I adored in Atlanta and 245 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 1: one in China. So eventually I gave up my apartment 246 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:35,319 Speaker 1: in China surprise, surprise, because you're listening to this podcast, 247 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:38,800 Speaker 1: and accepted the full time position. But I did, and 248 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:42,240 Speaker 1: still do. You suffer from a massive case of imposter syndrome, 249 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,000 Speaker 1: and I thought I would be fired at any time. 250 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,320 Speaker 1: I was super replaceable. We're going to go into this 251 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:50,680 Speaker 1: morning an upcoming podcast, and UM, that combined with the 252 00:13:50,679 --> 00:13:52,360 Speaker 1: fact that my dad was sick, that convinced me to 253 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:55,800 Speaker 1: stay to move back into my parents house. So for 254 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:59,640 Speaker 1: three years I commuted three hours a day on a 255 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 1: seven and I am a three pm schedule to avoid 256 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:05,640 Speaker 1: traffic as much as possible. I had no social life. 257 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:08,960 Speaker 1: My mom and I became super close, so and I do, 258 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,720 Speaker 1: I really do treasure that and I don't regret it 259 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:15,520 Speaker 1: at all, even though you sometimes I wonder, like how 260 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,080 Speaker 1: things could be right if I had gone on this 261 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:22,840 Speaker 1: other trail, what alternate timeline? Annie? What is she doing? Um? 262 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,160 Speaker 1: And I felt a real responsibility to keep everyone happy. 263 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,160 Speaker 1: And I think this is and has been my role 264 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:31,640 Speaker 1: in my family. And I'm the one that makes people laugh. 265 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:35,000 Speaker 1: That's fun, that doesn't cost trouble. As I've said, I've 266 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,680 Speaker 1: had I have difficulty expressing negative emotion. I felt like 267 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,280 Speaker 1: this was my job to any distress I was feeling, 268 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,440 Speaker 1: and to keep everyone happy. But it took a toll, 269 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,880 Speaker 1: and eventually I couldn't do it anymore. Um, even though 270 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 1: I felt extremely guilty and moved out, and then I 271 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:53,280 Speaker 1: moved to Atlanta. UM. And that's kind of the overwarking 272 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,880 Speaker 1: thing I feel for so many things we talked about 273 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:58,400 Speaker 1: with women, but when it comes to death is guilt, 274 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,720 Speaker 1: Like I feel guilty for you been talking about this. 275 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:04,480 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm fishing for sympathy or something. Um, 276 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,600 Speaker 1: but I'm doing it any good for you? Yes, But then, 277 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,640 Speaker 1: of course things got even more complicated, because that's light 278 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:13,040 Speaker 1: for you. But before we get into that, we're gonna 279 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:28,720 Speaker 1: take a quick break for word from our sponsor and 280 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:32,640 Speaker 1: we're back. Thank you sponsor. Alright. So as the years 281 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,920 Speaker 1: went by, things got worse. It was like my dad 282 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:39,440 Speaker 1: became a different person and he did things that were 283 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,240 Speaker 1: very hurtful. And I don't want to talk too much 284 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:45,640 Speaker 1: about it, but this really complicated our relationship and his 285 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,720 Speaker 1: relationship with the rest of my family. And I've said 286 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:51,280 Speaker 1: it before on the show. I believe people can do 287 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:55,480 Speaker 1: all kinds of impressive mental olympics to convince themselves that 288 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,800 Speaker 1: they are the hero in their own story. And him, 289 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,760 Speaker 1: as a dying man, he was doing nothing wrong. Even 290 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,960 Speaker 1: though he lost his job, he lost his friends. We 291 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,840 Speaker 1: were being the unreasonable ones, and um, he and I 292 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:09,120 Speaker 1: had a huge falling out. He believed I wasn't sad 293 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,120 Speaker 1: enough for him, or not sad in the right way. 294 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,200 Speaker 1: And it's really hard. This is when I wish there 295 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:17,600 Speaker 1: had been a resource for me and that there are, 296 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,960 Speaker 1: but I don't know. Like at the time, I couldn't 297 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,280 Speaker 1: find anything, and I even thought about doing like a 298 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:26,520 Speaker 1: video show, but then I thought if my family sees um, 299 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:29,240 Speaker 1: because it's really hard to accurately capture everything I felt. 300 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,720 Speaker 1: I was terribly sad that I didn't know how to 301 00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:33,320 Speaker 1: express it or what to say, and I was hurt 302 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:37,280 Speaker 1: and confused and furious, so furious. I felt like my dad, 303 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,080 Speaker 1: the man I knew, had died and in his place 304 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,600 Speaker 1: was a shell. He was hurting me the people I loved, 305 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,320 Speaker 1: over and over and over, and I got angrier and 306 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,960 Speaker 1: angrier as years passed and his behavior continued. I don't 307 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,360 Speaker 1: know what it's like to live with terminal cancer, and 308 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,960 Speaker 1: I don't know what it does to you, but when 309 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,119 Speaker 1: you're being hurt over and over by someone you you respected, 310 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:01,240 Speaker 1: it's hard not to get angry. And I will say 311 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,520 Speaker 1: I was relieved when no one blamed my mom for 312 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,119 Speaker 1: staying with him, because it was kind of there's a 313 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,800 Speaker 1: word it's I think it's Spanish. There's a word in Spanish. 314 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:11,399 Speaker 1: I think for this when there's kind of a secret 315 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,119 Speaker 1: that everyone knows but no one discusses. Everyone knew this 316 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,440 Speaker 1: was happening and no one was talking about it. But 317 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,399 Speaker 1: I was glad. No one blamed my mom for staying 318 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,600 Speaker 1: with him because I expected that. Um, I've seen it 319 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:26,080 Speaker 1: over and over, but no one really did to my knowledge. 320 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,520 Speaker 1: And again I felt guilty. I thought it was my fault. 321 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,320 Speaker 1: If I hadn't moved to Atlanta, maybe none of this 322 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:32,760 Speaker 1: would have happened. I could have kept everyone together, kept 323 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:38,680 Speaker 1: everyone happy. I felt such overwhelming guilt and failure. Um, 324 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,720 Speaker 1: and I I just had this, this dutiful thought. It like, 325 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:45,399 Speaker 1: I thought I had to keep the family together and 326 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:48,520 Speaker 1: I failed at it. And I was guilty at how 327 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,800 Speaker 1: angry I felt a dying man, and I kept telling 328 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,280 Speaker 1: myself I'll be so relieved when he dies. I felt 329 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,760 Speaker 1: guilty for even admitting that aloud, and I felt guilty 330 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,280 Speaker 1: for making this about me when he's the one that died. 331 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:02,680 Speaker 1: But human person. I think I would have felt better 332 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,879 Speaker 1: if I had known what I was going through. It 333 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:09,080 Speaker 1: was pretty normal, or at least I wasn't the only one. Right. No, 334 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,359 Speaker 1: I think it's absolutely normal. And I would vack you 335 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,840 Speaker 1: into saying that it's there's a lot of complications, and 336 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,800 Speaker 1: I know you and I talked about this a few 337 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,639 Speaker 1: weeks ago when we sat down and said, just because 338 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:23,639 Speaker 1: someone dies doesn't erase their past behavior, and yes, be 339 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:27,720 Speaker 1: moorn and we will. We should never you know, put 340 00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:29,879 Speaker 1: that aside as to the good that they have done 341 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:32,840 Speaker 1: and to celebrate who they were, hopefully in some of 342 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,080 Speaker 1: the ways in their lives. But also it doesn't erase 343 00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:37,960 Speaker 1: the pain and the hurt that can happen in between, 344 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,320 Speaker 1: and you have to be able to process that and 345 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,400 Speaker 1: to push it aside is unhealthy as well. And that's 346 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:45,399 Speaker 1: for any daughter. That whole idea of keeping things together 347 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:49,440 Speaker 1: or being the peacekeeper and being the glue does damaging 348 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,679 Speaker 1: in itself. UM And and you and I don't. We 349 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:55,760 Speaker 1: would use the word prunification, and I had to explain 350 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,240 Speaker 1: what that was. When a child becomes the parent and 351 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:00,840 Speaker 1: trying to take care of others and they're a longer children, 352 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,040 Speaker 1: it's kind of that same idea when they take on 353 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:06,240 Speaker 1: the responsibility of I should have been this in this 354 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,920 Speaker 1: family when that should have never been asked the view. 355 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:13,520 Speaker 1: But anyway, yeah, and we do have a future episode 356 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:18,080 Speaker 1: coming up on UM like tips for for helping someone 357 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:22,600 Speaker 1: who's going through hard time, including grief and um. One 358 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:26,440 Speaker 1: of them is uh, and I thought this was really interesting. 359 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:31,440 Speaker 1: Don't over sanitize someone's memory, right, um, but future episode 360 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:35,359 Speaker 1: or future episode. Um. So. Another part of this, this 361 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 1: guilt that I was feeling, is both not being able 362 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:40,960 Speaker 1: to help my mom as much as I felt like 363 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,280 Speaker 1: I should, and also not being able to do my 364 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:47,119 Speaker 1: best at work because I'm juggling these doctor's appointments and 365 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,920 Speaker 1: liars appointments and just being there when things are bad. 366 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:54,280 Speaker 1: And now grief itself. Um. On nights out with friends, 367 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,119 Speaker 1: I would get a text about my family situation, I 368 00:19:56,119 --> 00:19:59,639 Speaker 1: would feel this ups well of such grief, and it 369 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,320 Speaker 1: was something that I put on myself. But I don't. 370 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:07,000 Speaker 1: I think societally we do expect that women. We put 371 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:11,879 Speaker 1: more of an expectation on them to too, to be 372 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,919 Speaker 1: a part of these things, to be there for that stuff, 373 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:18,240 Speaker 1: and and us we're set up to feel guilt. Um. 374 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,000 Speaker 1: And And another part I wanted to mention to this 375 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,639 Speaker 1: that I didn't really see anywhere but was such a 376 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:27,800 Speaker 1: big part of my experience is the just anxiety every 377 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,600 Speaker 1: time you get a tax or an email or phone 378 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:32,480 Speaker 1: call anything, because that really takes it toll, especially like 379 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:36,639 Speaker 1: as the years go on oh um, and not to 380 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:40,320 Speaker 1: mention when you're on a podcast and you need to 381 00:20:40,359 --> 00:20:43,399 Speaker 1: be on and you've just gotten terrible news or you 382 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,720 Speaker 1: you've got to find a place to cry where no 383 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:48,520 Speaker 1: one will hear you. And that's become a whole thing 384 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,879 Speaker 1: in this I'll tell you what. There's not a lot 385 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:54,160 Speaker 1: of space. We're growing too big, so there's no private 386 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,840 Speaker 1: space to sleep or cry. There are many threads going 387 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,840 Speaker 1: on about it right now. No joke, um, because because 388 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:03,040 Speaker 1: you don't want people to think of being emotional forbid 389 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,680 Speaker 1: and the guilt of even having the thoughts when asked 390 00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:08,280 Speaker 1: to help out your dying father and you think, what, 391 00:21:08,359 --> 00:21:13,000 Speaker 1: I have all this work to do that it's just yeah, 392 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,640 Speaker 1: And then you end up for going sleep and working 393 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:17,720 Speaker 1: all hours of the night because you want to do both. 394 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:21,240 Speaker 1: And I felt guilty asking for help um or asking 395 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,639 Speaker 1: people to reschedule things. There's one infamous episode where I 396 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:28,120 Speaker 1: was sobbing before I came into record. Did the episode 397 00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,480 Speaker 1: left smile on my face was stopping immediately after. And 398 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,320 Speaker 1: every time I think of that episode, I am both 399 00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:36,119 Speaker 1: sad and impressed. And I can't even imagine when it 400 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,000 Speaker 1: was like for my mom. She she couldn't leave the 401 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,720 Speaker 1: house towards the end unless she could find a sitter. 402 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,520 Speaker 1: Um My dad couldn't really walk anymore, so she slept 403 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:47,399 Speaker 1: on the couch and he just wasted away before her eyes. 404 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:52,960 Speaker 1: And I I just feel it's guilt for everything everything 405 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:57,399 Speaker 1: right now, UM. And I did want to talk about 406 00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,920 Speaker 1: performative grief because this is something that's been really even 407 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,600 Speaker 1: before this for me. UM. Because I do not grieve 408 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:06,760 Speaker 1: in a way that many find acceptable, especially for women. 409 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:10,680 Speaker 1: I usually don't cry, at least not at first. UM. 410 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,679 Speaker 1: I get angry, I get piste off, and I have 411 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:16,119 Speaker 1: been called out by people for not behaving appropriately. Like 412 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,000 Speaker 1: even the fact that I'm doing this, I feel like 413 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:22,679 Speaker 1: I'm going to get called out for not sad enough. Um. 414 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,200 Speaker 1: And I have seen a lot of grief in my day, 415 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,480 Speaker 1: and I can tell you it looks different for everyone. 416 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:29,439 Speaker 1: So don't assume people aren't feeling pain because it doesn't 417 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:33,080 Speaker 1: look like how you think it should look. UM. And 418 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,760 Speaker 1: this is especially tricky when you have had a bad 419 00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:38,680 Speaker 1: relationship with someone and some know it and some don't. 420 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,520 Speaker 1: Because you get dang for not grieving enough, are grieving 421 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:44,359 Speaker 1: too much? Are pretty much just told how you should 422 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,520 Speaker 1: feel about the whole situation, right. I think overall, grief 423 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:52,399 Speaker 1: has become such a blanket overall that they think that 424 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,880 Speaker 1: assumes it's one thing, and then you've got to zone 425 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,399 Speaker 1: in and realize you as an individual, you may not 426 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:00,359 Speaker 1: even know how you should react, so they're full or 427 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:04,720 Speaker 1: why would anybody else understand it for you? I think? 428 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,240 Speaker 1: And that for me, I know, for grief, and many 429 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:10,399 Speaker 1: of the times I have a shutdown period where I 430 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:14,120 Speaker 1: don't realize what's happening, and that might be me being 431 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:18,119 Speaker 1: dazed and confused literally where I'm just kind of normally 432 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:22,240 Speaker 1: walking again numb, being numb or being angry as some say, 433 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,080 Speaker 1: or me sometimes I just need to be distracted. And 434 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:27,240 Speaker 1: I don't think people will understand this is a thing. 435 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,240 Speaker 1: I know, like when you and again coming back to 436 00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:32,359 Speaker 1: you and I talking and I'm like, what do you need? 437 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,959 Speaker 1: Which type of person are you? And I will be 438 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,560 Speaker 1: that person that you need. And that's the understanding is 439 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:42,680 Speaker 1: that this is not again um necessarily right or wrong, 440 00:23:43,359 --> 00:23:44,960 Speaker 1: but it's just what you need at that time and 441 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:49,920 Speaker 1: that's okay. Yeah, And that's something I read a lot too, 442 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:53,400 Speaker 1: is the stages of grief, that thing that we all 443 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:56,200 Speaker 1: know is kind of misleading because it's just to bounce 444 00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:57,800 Speaker 1: us all over and it might not. You might not 445 00:23:57,840 --> 00:23:59,920 Speaker 1: get all those you might get all of them in 446 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:05,480 Speaker 1: then more it's right. It's complicated, I will say. Like 447 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:08,760 Speaker 1: my body at first, when I was going through this, 448 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:10,560 Speaker 1: it was doing all kinds of weird things, like I 449 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:14,160 Speaker 1: was floating or falling, like I had that swooping dropping 450 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,000 Speaker 1: feeling in my stomach all the time, was she ring. 451 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,320 Speaker 1: I was like crying and trances, and I had this 452 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:23,119 Speaker 1: like pretful position I kept getting in um and in 453 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,760 Speaker 1: my mind it was doing like the possession montage scene 454 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,119 Speaker 1: in movies, like you hear the screaming and then that 455 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:30,959 Speaker 1: turns into the trink and then that turns into another thing, 456 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:36,479 Speaker 1: and it just everything feels really volatile and loud and 457 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,200 Speaker 1: like I can't quite catch any thought before it would 458 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,240 Speaker 1: fall away and it would lead into something else. I 459 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,960 Speaker 1: didn't leave my apartment for a week, and I had 460 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:46,600 Speaker 1: almost a panic attack response to going outside for the 461 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:51,040 Speaker 1: first time. My neighbors they were I heard them outside 462 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:53,439 Speaker 1: my door, whispering and kind of the fake movie voice. 463 00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:58,919 Speaker 1: Do you think she's so good? Um? And then I 464 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:02,560 Speaker 1: made I made the worst really did. I watched The 465 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:06,160 Speaker 1: Lion King the Day of Right, and I'm like, why 466 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,920 Speaker 1: did you watch the two minutes in I thought, oh no, 467 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:15,399 Speaker 1: but I'm so tedn't do anything about it. Um And 468 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,760 Speaker 1: things things feel really precious in a way that they 469 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:20,919 Speaker 1: did it before. Like I keep seeing this little funeral 470 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,400 Speaker 1: pamphlet and I don't know what to do with it. 471 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:26,640 Speaker 1: I've got to do something, um And through this process, 472 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,840 Speaker 1: I have had to battle with myself a lot when 473 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:32,000 Speaker 1: it comes to feeling weak or um or allowing myself 474 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,159 Speaker 1: to grieve or to have space and having it be 475 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:38,159 Speaker 1: okay to ask people for help. And you have been great, Samantha, 476 00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:40,840 Speaker 1: and so have so many of my friends and coworkers. 477 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:43,240 Speaker 1: But it is like a constant battle because I'm always 478 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,600 Speaker 1: and I feel again, a lot of a lot of people, 479 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,920 Speaker 1: and especially women, do feel like I can't misswork or 480 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:49,639 Speaker 1: have so much to do and I can't take this time. 481 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:51,680 Speaker 1: And then there's another part of me like, no, take 482 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:55,640 Speaker 1: this to right this whole like need to care for others, 483 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,520 Speaker 1: So trying to care for yourself it's really difficult, or 484 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,960 Speaker 1: asking to care for yourself is a really difficult road 485 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,040 Speaker 1: to go to. And I think most women understand that 486 00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:06,240 Speaker 1: when you are the main focal point of being the 487 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:09,640 Speaker 1: center of caring or giving or or propping someone up, 488 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:11,480 Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden you need it, you 489 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,520 Speaker 1: don't even know where to go to how to do it. 490 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,760 Speaker 1: What that looks like for you as an individual who 491 00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:19,040 Speaker 1: and I will say for me, person who tries to 492 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:22,360 Speaker 1: be independent all the time and clearly like clearly argue 493 00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:24,399 Speaker 1: with people, be like I don't need you. Stop that 494 00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:28,040 Speaker 1: um to ask for help feels like weakness because for 495 00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:29,919 Speaker 1: so long I feel like I've had to prove my 496 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,879 Speaker 1: strength and strength being independence or being the one who 497 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:40,000 Speaker 1: helps others. Asking for help feels so vulnerable and oddly open, 498 00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:42,560 Speaker 1: and you don't know how to react to that when 499 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,639 Speaker 1: you have been ficially clinging to I am independent, I'm fine. 500 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:47,720 Speaker 1: I didn't know I can be single and do this 501 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:50,880 Speaker 1: and this of course that's just from my own like viewpoint, 502 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,600 Speaker 1: because I, as a single, independent person, is like, no, 503 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,320 Speaker 1: I don't need you. I don't need no persons. But 504 00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:58,600 Speaker 1: at the same time, you know, if you are a caregiver, 505 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,280 Speaker 1: once again, the one who's been the shoulder for people 506 00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,080 Speaker 1: lean on to ask for that seems really, really foreign. 507 00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:09,240 Speaker 1: It does, It absolutely does. And I just kept having 508 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:11,600 Speaker 1: this over overarching thought of like, I don't want to 509 00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:13,639 Speaker 1: bother anybody, right, which I think A yell at you 510 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,480 Speaker 1: a lot about you? Did you? Did I say yell? 511 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:21,520 Speaker 1: I was nice about that? I was there? Did I 512 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:23,119 Speaker 1: have the mom face when I said to see you? 513 00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:30,600 Speaker 1: And You've got in that position like my social work phase. 514 00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:34,200 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I appreciated it. Uh. And this whole thing 515 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,399 Speaker 1: kind of reminds me of how in Midsummer the movie 516 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:40,800 Speaker 1: no spoilers, but the main character keeps running away to 517 00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:43,639 Speaker 1: hide from the other characters while she grieves, like she 518 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:45,680 Speaker 1: goes and hides in like a closet on the plane 519 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:48,680 Speaker 1: she gets in the plane bathroom because she doesn't feel 520 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,240 Speaker 1: like she can share that part of herself with others 521 00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:57,679 Speaker 1: or be that vulnerable with others. Um and yeah, I 522 00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,479 Speaker 1: think the day after my dad did had the surprise 523 00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:02,600 Speaker 1: party to go to. And I've thought about this a 524 00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:05,800 Speaker 1: lot because I was the decoy and we've been planning 525 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:07,960 Speaker 1: it for months and finally finally finally got the person 526 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:11,159 Speaker 1: to bite. And then my mom told me she she 527 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,960 Speaker 1: wanted she didn't want me to come home until the 528 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:17,119 Speaker 1: day of the funerals, so that meant I did have 529 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:19,679 Speaker 1: this day free. I don't know if that was mom code. 530 00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:22,960 Speaker 1: I'm still not sure. UM. So I went to the 531 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:24,240 Speaker 1: party and I pulled it off and it was the 532 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:26,000 Speaker 1: performance of a lifetime. But I keep thinking about the 533 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:28,199 Speaker 1: fact that I felt like I had to like I 534 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,040 Speaker 1: had to be strong, um And to me, that shows 535 00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:35,000 Speaker 1: just how much we looked down upon expressing emotions, are 536 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:39,080 Speaker 1: voicing our needs, um that we see that as weakness, 537 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:41,840 Speaker 1: and I do. I did have fun. It was nineties 538 00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:43,560 Speaker 1: theme I wore on my Space Jam Jersey. I was 539 00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:47,440 Speaker 1: a hit. Of course you were. But I think that 540 00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:53,480 Speaker 1: right we we've turned it into such a a weakness really, 541 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:55,880 Speaker 1: and it's it's not that's the whole idea between being 542 00:28:55,920 --> 00:29:01,040 Speaker 1: a dutiful daughter doing your duty and being that as 543 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:06,040 Speaker 1: the caretaker or the strong person or the um quiet 544 00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:09,840 Speaker 1: supportive type, whatever it is, whatever that dutiful daughter looks like. 545 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:14,440 Speaker 1: That's for me. I feel like I've disappointed my family, family, 546 00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:18,200 Speaker 1: my father left and right because I'm no longer this's 547 00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:21,480 Speaker 1: a religious individual who at one point in time I 548 00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:23,200 Speaker 1: was like, I'm gonna be a missionary and I'm gonna 549 00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:25,080 Speaker 1: do this this, and then I'm going to tell people 550 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:27,640 Speaker 1: about Jesus, which is all great and well if you 551 00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:30,080 Speaker 1: do this with loving kindness. But we've come to such 552 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:32,520 Speaker 1: an impact that I feel like I disappoint my dad 553 00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:35,520 Speaker 1: a lot and not be And it's not so much 554 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:37,880 Speaker 1: that I feel like he I'm obligated to him for 555 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:41,440 Speaker 1: something or um in our relationship was not rocky in 556 00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:44,280 Speaker 1: the sense of like he's not a selfish man in 557 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:48,000 Speaker 1: that realm um of he will love his family. His 558 00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:50,320 Speaker 1: family will always come first to him, Like I know 559 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:52,800 Speaker 1: that for a fact. And that's not that's something that 560 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:58,480 Speaker 1: I think is beautiful. However, because this huge divide politically 561 00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:01,440 Speaker 1: and religiously, you can tell he's disappointed that I'm not 562 00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:04,680 Speaker 1: his quote unquote little girl. Yeah, you know, and that's 563 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:07,680 Speaker 1: that's you can get painful. And I feel like I 564 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:11,200 Speaker 1: have to hide things from him because I've already disappointed 565 00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:16,560 Speaker 1: him just beating me. Yeah, and it it's difficult because therefore, 566 00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:20,520 Speaker 1: your duty is to portray a character, right, and it 567 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:24,360 Speaker 1: is hard, Oh for sure. Like I said, when I 568 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:26,240 Speaker 1: was at the week, everything, everybody kept coming up to 569 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:27,440 Speaker 1: me and saying, he's so proud of you, and I 570 00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:30,040 Speaker 1: kept thinking, I'm not sure he knew me, and that's 571 00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:33,320 Speaker 1: not a great thought to have, but you feel like 572 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:35,680 Speaker 1: And one of the reasons I wanted to talk about 573 00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:38,600 Speaker 1: this is because in therapy it kept coming up that 574 00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:43,959 Speaker 1: I had this guilt, such guilt about not being there 575 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:46,240 Speaker 1: for my family, and she was like, you, you've you've 576 00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:49,280 Speaker 1: taken on this dutiful daughter thing too much. But I've 577 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:51,480 Speaker 1: seen it in so many of my other friends as well, 578 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:55,360 Speaker 1: And yeah, I just felt this duty for my dad 579 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:59,880 Speaker 1: in particular, like to make him proud, not rock the boat, 580 00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:05,360 Speaker 1: make him happy, and I can't. I don't think that 581 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:10,760 Speaker 1: was the best for a healthy relationship. Well, we have 582 00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:13,240 Speaker 1: a little bit more for you, but first we have 583 00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:28,880 Speaker 1: one more kickbreake for word from our sponsor, remember back, 584 00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:36,720 Speaker 1: Thank you sponsor, so um forres this whole experience. I 585 00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:38,920 Speaker 1: just this is so surreal right now, this whole thing. 586 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:43,040 Speaker 1: I was never afraid of death before, but seeing my 587 00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:44,760 Speaker 1: dad and he was in a hospital bed in our 588 00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:46,960 Speaker 1: living room towards the end, and he slept most of 589 00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:50,040 Speaker 1: the day and he watched movies and he said like 590 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:52,000 Speaker 1: this could be the last time I closed my eyes. 591 00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:53,840 Speaker 1: And he was watching this old shirt like Homes movie 592 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:59,400 Speaker 1: and that has stuck with me so much. Um and 593 00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:06,760 Speaker 1: just is feeling of being there and moments being so 594 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:10,600 Speaker 1: bleeding and precious and you don't know, you don't know 595 00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:15,800 Speaker 1: until it happens. Um And and right before a few 596 00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:19,480 Speaker 1: weeks before my dad died, um there is she my 597 00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:22,960 Speaker 1: therapist said, if there's something you want to say, now 598 00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:25,000 Speaker 1: is the time to say it. And I couldn't think 599 00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:29,520 Speaker 1: of anything. And I feel guilty about that too. Um. 600 00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:32,840 Speaker 1: I kept hoping something would come to me. And almost 601 00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:35,320 Speaker 1: everything I've read says you will look back and regret 602 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:37,640 Speaker 1: if you weren't there for said person, if you didn't 603 00:32:37,680 --> 00:32:41,880 Speaker 1: try them infence this, so I will see. I think 604 00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:46,840 Speaker 1: that's too easy and scapegoating h to be honest, because 605 00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:50,600 Speaker 1: that's not fair, uh, for so many individuals who did 606 00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:52,600 Speaker 1: not have the opportunity to do so, or who do 607 00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:55,600 Speaker 1: all have the relationships to do so. Because do you 608 00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:58,280 Speaker 1: really want to end with something that's argumentative? Is that 609 00:32:58,320 --> 00:33:01,520 Speaker 1: any better? You know? Your last word or an argument 610 00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:04,680 Speaker 1: or something along those lines. And and I think there's 611 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:06,800 Speaker 1: one thing about making peace with things, and I think 612 00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:09,200 Speaker 1: it's too easy to be like, you need to do 613 00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:11,479 Speaker 1: this and you have to do this and regret. It's 614 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:13,760 Speaker 1: always going to be there. There's never gonna be any 615 00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:17,080 Speaker 1: time you're not going to regret something in the story. 616 00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:20,320 Speaker 1: You can be the smartest and the best relationship whatever, 617 00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:26,320 Speaker 1: but you're gonna wish you had done dot dot dot. 618 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:29,160 Speaker 1: So I'm sorry. I think I think it's just too 619 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:34,520 Speaker 1: easy to say that because death is final, obviously, and 620 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:36,920 Speaker 1: if anything is final, there's going to be a point 621 00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:38,880 Speaker 1: of regret or something that you're gonna miss or something 622 00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:40,800 Speaker 1: that wish you could happen. And that's just it's just 623 00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:45,200 Speaker 1: always going to be. It's just always going to be. Yeah. 624 00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:49,360 Speaker 1: And again, one of the the whole reasons I wanted 625 00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:52,840 Speaker 1: to do this was because you don't really Again, that's 626 00:33:52,880 --> 00:33:55,440 Speaker 1: what I found online. This was the advice I found, 627 00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:57,120 Speaker 1: and I think that is for a lot of people, 628 00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,640 Speaker 1: probably great advice. And if you do, if there's any 629 00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:06,000 Speaker 1: part view that wants to menences, but sometimes it just ends. 630 00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:08,719 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's just how it is. Some things are unhealthy, 631 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:13,920 Speaker 1: some things are some things are um And yeah, the 632 00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:16,400 Speaker 1: fact that we've been doing like this whole the trauma 633 00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:20,719 Speaker 1: thing alongside this, it's gotten all tied up and complicated. 634 00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:24,240 Speaker 1: But I do hope that I remember the good things. 635 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,480 Speaker 1: Our relationship was always a little complicated, but he did 636 00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:30,120 Speaker 1: raise me, he gave me good memories, and I loved him. 637 00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:33,040 Speaker 1: And towards the end, I hated him and I loved him, 638 00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:36,120 Speaker 1: And because relationships and people are complicated, that's been really 639 00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:39,680 Speaker 1: hard to reconcile. And I guess I really hoped the 640 00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:43,960 Speaker 1: hate would inoculate me more, but it just made things harder. 641 00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:45,840 Speaker 1: And I thought I was going to come up with 642 00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:47,880 Speaker 1: something really wise about that. But that's all I have 643 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:50,080 Speaker 1: to say about it, right, And honestly, when I was 644 00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:52,600 Speaker 1: sitting with you and we were having this conversation because 645 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:58,200 Speaker 1: I met you before even this podcast on Father's Day, 646 00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:01,120 Speaker 1: oh yeah, that was our first initial a meeting and 647 00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:03,879 Speaker 1: I hang out. You and a friend of ours came 648 00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:05,879 Speaker 1: to the brewery that I was working at and we 649 00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:09,040 Speaker 1: were having exchange, exchanging stories as to why we were 650 00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:11,799 Speaker 1: not at home my Father's Day, and I remember you 651 00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:13,680 Speaker 1: gave me your bit in my face. I think I dropped. 652 00:35:13,719 --> 00:35:16,879 Speaker 1: My my mouth dropped a little bit, and I was like, what, um, 653 00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:20,640 Speaker 1: So I didn't know before all the drama happened, but 654 00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:23,440 Speaker 1: the one thing you kept saying to me as you 655 00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:25,400 Speaker 1: were in the middle of grief or and and you 656 00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:27,359 Speaker 1: are in the middle, but at the very beginning is 657 00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:29,960 Speaker 1: the good things that you were talking about, the good things. 658 00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:33,680 Speaker 1: And I thought that was really beautiful because as where 659 00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:36,160 Speaker 1: I was thinking like the negative things that I heard 660 00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:37,759 Speaker 1: about him, which I don't know this man at all, 661 00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:39,480 Speaker 1: and I don't know that your family at all. I 662 00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:42,600 Speaker 1: just know some of the incidents that happened that you 663 00:35:42,680 --> 00:35:45,600 Speaker 1: were still clinging to the beauty of it. You're still 664 00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:49,520 Speaker 1: trying to find the photos of you know, did you 665 00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:54,319 Speaker 1: find those? It is in my apartment somewhere. Um. But 666 00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:56,799 Speaker 1: that's the thing, is like, that's exactly what it is. 667 00:35:56,840 --> 00:35:59,160 Speaker 1: As bad as things have been, there are still some 668 00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:02,439 Speaker 1: good things, um, a lot of good things. And you're 669 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:05,960 Speaker 1: an amazing woman and you have done amazing things. And 670 00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:11,879 Speaker 1: and whether it's in spite of or because of it's created, yeah, 671 00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:13,879 Speaker 1: a better version or the version of who you are. 672 00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:17,800 Speaker 1: And it's beautiful. Thank you. You are a beautiful individual. 673 00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:21,520 Speaker 1: And it's okay to be confused because again there's nothing 674 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:26,279 Speaker 1: this is normal, but there's no normal reaction. Death is 675 00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:29,680 Speaker 1: death is inevitable. I said it again, there we did. 676 00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:37,160 Speaker 1: But the outside thing with that is there is no 677 00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:41,239 Speaker 1: normal reaction, and there's not anything that is good for 678 00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:44,239 Speaker 1: one person as it is for the other person. And 679 00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:48,480 Speaker 1: the likelihood of it is there's gonna be so many things. Yeah, 680 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:51,840 Speaker 1: like everything is gonna be bumbled up into what the 681 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:55,279 Speaker 1: hell just happened? How am I reacting? Do I want 682 00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:57,000 Speaker 1: to think about it? How do I think about it? 683 00:36:57,080 --> 00:37:00,400 Speaker 1: What do I do to keep going? And at the end, 684 00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:03,680 Speaker 1: I'm going to be okay, Yeah, and you're gonna be okay. 685 00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:06,560 Speaker 1: Thank you? You are okay? I am. You are wonderful, 686 00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:10,440 Speaker 1: So are you? And I do I really appreciate you. 687 00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:13,600 Speaker 1: And I've had such a a wonderful support group and 688 00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:16,680 Speaker 1: I do not take that for granted at all. Um, 689 00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:19,319 Speaker 1: your pillow pet, Yeah, you want to thank your pillow, 690 00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:24,120 Speaker 1: precious pillow pat, either Ruby or Rudy, depending on who 691 00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:28,760 Speaker 1: you ask. Um. I do feel like I've been grieving 692 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:33,080 Speaker 1: for years and right now to end on what I 693 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:35,719 Speaker 1: hope is kind of a weird funny note. I feel 694 00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:37,560 Speaker 1: like what I am, I'm in what I called a 695 00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:41,880 Speaker 1: dolphin stage. Um. The sadness is always there, that's right 696 00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:44,359 Speaker 1: below the surface, but sometimes it comes up for air 697 00:37:45,160 --> 00:37:48,160 Speaker 1: and then it goes back under again. It makes no 698 00:37:48,360 --> 00:37:50,799 Speaker 1: sense to me. That was new to me. I don't 699 00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:53,560 Speaker 1: know it makes sense now that's new to me. Um 700 00:37:53,719 --> 00:37:57,160 Speaker 1: or that looky quote from thor Ragnarok. It varies from 701 00:37:57,120 --> 00:38:02,040 Speaker 1: a moment in the final shout out to Harry Potter 702 00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:04,960 Speaker 1: because me and my young nephew talked about it for 703 00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:07,279 Speaker 1: it probably wasn't hours, but it felt like hours at 704 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:11,160 Speaker 1: the week he was quizzing me me, I felt like 705 00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:13,560 Speaker 1: it was finally my time to shine. Did you also 706 00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:18,520 Speaker 1: get tipped? Because you get at the week? My uncle 707 00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:21,680 Speaker 1: did it in like that bribeway where you like here, 708 00:38:21,719 --> 00:38:25,000 Speaker 1: and there was twenty dollars. It's bad and it saved 709 00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:27,200 Speaker 1: me later because I needed it for gas money. So 710 00:38:27,239 --> 00:38:29,640 Speaker 1: I was like, wait, what you got tipped? Yeah? Apparently 711 00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:36,080 Speaker 1: I was entertaining what apparently apparently? Um So, yeah, that's 712 00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:38,960 Speaker 1: that's kind of what's been going on with me. UM. 713 00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:41,480 Speaker 1: And I know that I am not alone in this 714 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:44,400 Speaker 1: um And to people going through the same thing, I 715 00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:47,640 Speaker 1: hope that you know that you are not alone. And 716 00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:50,000 Speaker 1: there are a lot of resources out there. There are 717 00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:53,040 Speaker 1: a lot of support groups. I do my best to 718 00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:55,800 Speaker 1: balance where I can. It's a work in progress. Everything's 719 00:38:55,840 --> 00:38:59,319 Speaker 1: a work in progress. It is okay, it is, and 720 00:38:59,520 --> 00:39:03,680 Speaker 1: I it. I personally would love to hear from anybody 721 00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:06,480 Speaker 1: in different countries kind of what what's different about the 722 00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:10,800 Speaker 1: grieving process, if anything, um or just any stories advice 723 00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:15,359 Speaker 1: where we're all ears and you can email us at 724 00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:18,279 Speaker 1: Stuff Media, mom Stuff at iHeart media dot com. You 725 00:39:18,280 --> 00:39:21,000 Speaker 1: can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast or 726 00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:23,480 Speaker 1: on Instagram at stuff I Never Told You. Thanks as 727 00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:27,400 Speaker 1: always to our super producer Andrew Howard, and thanks to 728 00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:30,160 Speaker 1: you for listening Stuff I Never Told You. The protection 729 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:32,320 Speaker 1: of I Heart Radio's How Stuff Works. For more podcast 730 00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:34,359 Speaker 1: from my Heart Radio is at the iHeart Radio app, 731 00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:37,000 Speaker 1: Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.