Speaker 1: I am Yamla. I've been very open about the fact
Speaker 1: that I was not always good at making my relationships work.
Speaker 1: I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person.
Speaker 1: In other words, I have seen a lot and failed
Speaker 1: a lot in my relationships. So I am here to
Speaker 1: share with you what I learned along the way because
Speaker 1: I did take copious notes. Welcome to the Our Spot,
Speaker 1: a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Our Spot, the place we come to
Speaker 1: talk about all things relationships in all kinds of relationships.
Speaker 1: Relationships are healing ground, our teaching, the place that serves us,
Speaker 1: nurses us, nourishes us, and drives us crazy. And today
Speaker 1: we're shaking things up a little bit. We're going to
Speaker 1: do things a little differently, if that's okay, because you know,
Speaker 1: things are always changing in relationships, and as you listen
Speaker 1: to the Rspot and our relationship grows and deepens, things
Speaker 1: are going to change and they are changing. So today,
Speaker 1: rather than just me talking to you or people calling
Speaker 1: in talking about their problems, We've got a different format today.
Speaker 1: I've got some co hosts, that's right, listeners who are
Speaker 1: going to be joining in with me, and we are
Speaker 1: going to be discussing this topic. Allah, the view, Allah,
Speaker 1: the talk, Allah, whatever show it is that you look
Speaker 1: at when there's more than one opinion, more than one
Speaker 1: person sharing their insights their experiences. Because I don't know everything,
Speaker 1: and I'm old as hell, not always love to have
Speaker 1: the voice of youngins, youngins who have a different experience,
Speaker 1: a different perspective, a different insight. So my panel today
Speaker 1: is made up of a twenty something, a fifty something,
Speaker 1: and then there's me, the eyes and the voice of wisdom.
Speaker 1: And we are discussing a topic today that I have
Speaker 1: gotten so many emails about, so many calls about, And
Speaker 1: it's this. I know my partner is cheating, but I
Speaker 1: just don't have the proof proof. Why isn't your knowing
Speaker 1: enough proof? Why isn't your feeling enough proof? And why
Speaker 1: don't you just ask the question? Well, because nine times
Speaker 1: out of ten you'll ask the question and the partner
Speaker 1: may not tell the truth. But does that deny what
Speaker 1: you know? If you ask somebody is your tongue pink
Speaker 1: and they say no, it's green, does that deny the
Speaker 1: fact that you see a pink tongue hanging out their mouth.
Speaker 1: It's a dilemma, and we're gonna talk about it. What
Speaker 1: do you do when you know, feel sense, believe your
Speaker 1: partner is cheating, but you don't have the proof. You
Speaker 1: don't have the evidence. How do you get the evidence?
Speaker 1: What would that evidence be? I remember one time talking
Speaker 1: to a guest right here on our spot, and she
Speaker 1: knew her husband was cheating. She found letters, she saw pictures,
Speaker 1: she saw texts, and she kept asking him. He kept
Speaker 1: saying it wasn't true, that was just a friend, until
Speaker 1: the day she came home and found them in the
Speaker 1: bed together. Well, was that enough proof for you? Sometimes
Speaker 1: we call in things, or we require things, request things
Speaker 1: that we need, and I think that's because we don't
Speaker 1: trust what we know. So my co hosts and I
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about that today. What do you
Speaker 1: do when you know your partner is cheating but you
Speaker 1: don't have physical, tangible evidence or proof. Let me bring
Speaker 1: in my co hosts. Greetings, my beloved co host, and
Speaker 1: welcome to the R Spot. I think I have Luke
Speaker 1: from Miami and you are a third year medical student
Speaker 1: at Howard Is that right?
Speaker 2: Yeah, so happy to be here with you.
Speaker 1: I'm so happy to have you here, and then I
Speaker 1: think I have Pat. Pat is a fifty something teacher
Speaker 1: with two adult children. Hey Pat, welcome.
Speaker 3: Hi, Mama I. How are you?
Speaker 1: I am so fine? Oh my god, you call me
Speaker 1: mama ia and you fifty? That means I'm really old.
Speaker 1: Oh my lord, Please don't tell nobody that. And then
Speaker 1: I have the twenty something. Where are you from, Caira?
Speaker 4: I'm actually some Connecticut. I now reside in Charlotte, North Carolina.
Speaker 1: So I want to welcome all of you here today
Speaker 1: as my co host for us to discuss this absolutely
Speaker 1: juicy topic of you know your partner is cheating, but
Speaker 1: you don't have the evidence. What do you do? What
Speaker 1: do you do? And what would that evidence be? I
Speaker 1: want to start with you, Pat, my fifty something. You
Speaker 1: know your partner's cheating, but you don't have physical evidence
Speaker 1: of proof. What do you do?
Speaker 2: What did I do?
Speaker 3: I've done absolutely nothing?
Speaker 5: Oh because I.
Speaker 2: Didn't know what.
Speaker 3: Really, I've done absolutely nothing because I didn't know what
Speaker 3: to do. I felt it. It was a pattern I've seen,
Speaker 3: you know, how he would put me before he would
Speaker 3: go like no evidence, but I felt it, and I
Speaker 3: didn't do nothing.
Speaker 2: Because to be.
Speaker 3: Honest, I didn't have the courage too at that time.
Speaker 1: Ah okay, what was the evidence that you saw?
Speaker 3: I felt that he would he would prep me like
Speaker 3: a week before, you know, he started telling me stories
Speaker 3: like hey, you know, uh, such and such as I'm
Speaker 3: having a party and uh you know, you know, me
Speaker 3: and the guys were going to go out, and so
Speaker 3: it'll start that Monday. You know, the preparation too. We
Speaker 3: go and so like on Friday when he was about
Speaker 3: to go, he'll pull his clothes. Hey, you like this
Speaker 3: with you know what I have on? I wanted, you know,
Speaker 3: could you earn my shirt for me? And all week
Speaker 3: was leading up to this Friday and going out and
Speaker 3: I said, oh, so who are you going with? Oh?
Speaker 3: Just me and uh you know, brush it off, Oh
Speaker 3: just me and such and such Me in Holland was
Speaker 3: just going and I'm oh, okay. So I would ask questions,
Speaker 3: so is uh they bringing their wives? I don't know.
Speaker 3: Maybe maybe still would be there, I don't know. So
Speaker 3: he would just and I'm like, okay, this ain't no boys. Sure,
Speaker 3: this ain't no boys going out there, And it would
Speaker 3: happen and.
Speaker 1: He would go and stay all weekend.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he would, he would he would go stay that that,
Speaker 3: He'll go Friday, come home Saturday. Yeah, because you know
Speaker 3: when well, you know we're going to go to dinner
Speaker 3: and were able to you know, this African spot and
Speaker 3: then we're going to do this, and so he would
Speaker 3: lay it out for me and you know, there was
Speaker 3: a prep and then you know, and so you know,
Speaker 3: but I'm I'm I'm calling you everywhere on the day. Okay,
Speaker 3: it was a pattern.
Speaker 1: Wow, yeah, Luke, Yes, what do you think? You know
Speaker 1: your partner is cheating, but you don't have evidence. What
Speaker 1: do you do?
Speaker 2: You know, I think about the premise of the question, right,
Speaker 2: it's saying that you don't have the evidence, but it's true,
Speaker 2: we have the evidence. The evidence is our soul, right,
Speaker 2: listening to our soul, how do we feel tapping in?
Speaker 2: And so that misalignment, you know, even miss pat you know,
Speaker 2: as she mentioned, there was some patterns that she can
Speaker 2: trace back to whether or not you want to acknowledge
Speaker 2: the evidence that everdence is actually there. You know, there
Speaker 2: there's a biblical scripture that says, you know, faith is
Speaker 2: the faith is the substance of things hoped for, and
Speaker 2: the evidence of things not seen. So even though you
Speaker 2: don't have the evidence to actually cling to, you know,
Speaker 2: the manifestation of the evidence is really after the fact, right,
Speaker 2: And so when I think about clinging to the evidence,
Speaker 2: I think that that's sort of old news at that point.
Speaker 2: It's most it's more and so about where are you
Speaker 2: and how are you going to redirect yourself? You know,
Speaker 2: in this misalignment that you feel, right, how are you
Speaker 2: going to communicate this misalignment and what can you trace
Speaker 2: back to in your uh, in your history with this
Speaker 2: person to really dig deep right and really listen in
Speaker 2: and figure out your next steps forward.
Speaker 1: M Well, miss pat said she didn't have the courage,
Speaker 1: and we're gonna we're gonna dig into what you just offered, Luke,
Speaker 1: but let me go the kiro a full minute. She's young,
Speaker 1: You are young, and yes, what do you do young?
Speaker 1: And if you think your partner is cheating but you
Speaker 1: don't have evidence.
Speaker 4: I would say, honestly, kind of piggybacking off of what
Speaker 4: mister Luke was saying, I kind of feel like, you know,
Speaker 4: I am young, so I haven't had it as many
Speaker 4: experiences as you guys have had, But I feel like
Speaker 4: we all kind of have, you know, women's intuition, and
Speaker 4: that's just something like the signs are there, you know,
Speaker 4: so it's like you act like they're not because you're
Speaker 4: you're so in love and you just kind of, you know,
Speaker 4: ignore the signs. But they're always there, you know, and
Speaker 4: you just kind of have to be careful. And you know,
Speaker 4: as I get older, I'm gonna you know, grow from
Speaker 4: those experiences because I know I probably will have them,
Speaker 4: you know. So I think it's just definitely a lot
Speaker 4: of having women's intuition for sure. That's how I feel.
Speaker 1: Well, what about a man. I'm gonna come to you, Luke,
Speaker 1: what about a man? What about because mss Chira said,
Speaker 1: h women's intuition. Do men have intuition that let them know, Okay,
Speaker 1: something's off here?
Speaker 2: Oh? Yes, you know, in terms of you know, I
Speaker 2: think sometimes we get so bottled into the masculine energy
Speaker 2: and the feminine energy. But intuition is really about building
Speaker 2: up that inner voice. It's about building up that soul
Speaker 2: voice and turning up the valume on that. So you know,
Speaker 2: I'm very spiritual in the sense that I can detect
Speaker 2: and I am very aware of you know, just anyone
Speaker 2: in the room, how they're feeling, how to connect with people.
Speaker 2: And so it's really about really connecting with yourself. And
Speaker 2: if you've done that work to really connect with yourself
Speaker 2: and you know that, hey, something is wrong here, you
Speaker 2: may not be able to actually put together all the
Speaker 2: words and cobble together all the words, but if you
Speaker 2: know that, you know there's something that's just you know,
Speaker 2: there's just something at the pit of your stomach. It
Speaker 2: won't let you fully digest your meals, or it won't
Speaker 2: let you you know, just just can't let you hold
Speaker 2: your sleep or your peace. That's what you have to
Speaker 2: actually dig into. And so you know, I think men,
Speaker 2: just as women, you know, we do have that intuition.
Speaker 2: I just think that you know, through a culturation and
Speaker 2: just through what we see in the media, we don't
Speaker 2: often allow for men to really tap into that. Right,
Speaker 2: It's more about raising that awareness and also raising and
Speaker 2: cultivating that space for those opportunities so that so that
Speaker 2: voice can really have some breath, you know, it's really suffocated.
Speaker 1: Well that's a juicy way to look at it, and
Speaker 1: we're going to look at more right after this. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to the r Spot. I've got three co hosts
Speaker 1: on with me today and we're discussing what to do
Speaker 1: when you think your partner cheating. Miss pat, let me
Speaker 1: come back to you, because one of my questions was
Speaker 1: going to be what is a sign of cheating? Because
Speaker 1: you said that your partner kind of created this pattern.
Speaker 1: So when he came to you to say, oh, I'm
Speaker 1: going to help them load the cars up, or we're
Speaker 1: going on the boy's trip, talk to me about what
Speaker 1: was going on inside of you? Was it something you heard,
Speaker 1: did you feel something? What was happening with you?
Speaker 3: I felt I felt every bit of it. And here's
Speaker 3: what I said to him.
Speaker 5: One time.
Speaker 3: I said to him, I said, I can feel another
Speaker 3: person between us.
Speaker 1: So you felt you felt the presence of the other person.
Speaker 1: You felt the Yeah, because everything is energy, So if
Speaker 1: your partner is out intimately involved with somebody else, they're
Speaker 1: going to bring that energy right to your bed. So
Speaker 1: you felt the energy. Now, when when you said that
Speaker 1: to him, what did he say?
Speaker 2: He got to feet.
Speaker 3: He immediately got defensive immediately, and I said it very
Speaker 3: calmly I can and he's I was like, He's liked,
Speaker 3: what do you mean? What are you talking? About I said,
Speaker 3: I can feel there's someone here, there's someone else between us,
Speaker 3: I said, energetically, I can feel her, I specifically said her,
Speaker 3: and he just I don't want to talk about you know,
Speaker 3: you know, you just want to start today. No, I
Speaker 3: don't want to start to day hunt.
Speaker 5: This is this is.
Speaker 2: Exactly how I feel.
Speaker 3: I said, this is a strong feeling. M And you
Speaker 3: know the conversation with miss did.
Speaker 1: Miss Kira, you're young, But what do you think would
Speaker 1: be a sign of cheating that your partner was cheating.
Speaker 1: We're gonna look at the signs. What do you think
Speaker 1: your sign would be?
Speaker 4: I feel like just a change of like patterns. I
Speaker 4: would say, just like, you know, you're doing things that
Speaker 4: you normally wouldn't do or like out of the ordinary.
Speaker 4: That would kind of make me like, you know, question
Speaker 4: you know why you're doing that. I think that would
Speaker 4: be a sign M.
Speaker 1: So, a feeling, a change in pattern. Mister Luke, what
Speaker 1: do you think a sign of cheating would be.
Speaker 2: One sign of cheating is coldness, this callous, you know, irritable,
Speaker 2: easily to feel irritated by the other person, agitated just
Speaker 2: by any little thing, right, could just be the way
Speaker 2: they chew their food, or you know the way that
Speaker 2: they may you know, tie their shoelaces, just any little
Speaker 2: thing that you're kind of nitpicking about this person. Whereas
Speaker 2: you know, we in the honeymoon phase, everything that that
Speaker 2: person did just rub you in the best way, right.
Speaker 2: It just always filled you up. You know, their smile,
Speaker 2: their laughter, everything, just the topics of conversation just brightens
Speaker 2: you up and put you up in that one hundred percent.
Speaker 2: But when you start to feel like, wow, this person
Speaker 2: doesn't really like me as much. They say that they
Speaker 2: love me, but when they don't really like me as much,
Speaker 2: that's when you can kind of start to since that coldness.
Speaker 2: You know that that wedge I feel is really a
Speaker 2: good sign that you can kind of detect.
Speaker 1: You know, in relationships, I think one of the challenges
Speaker 1: is that we forget about the exchange of energy. You know,
Speaker 1: when you're intimate with someone, when you're close to someone,
Speaker 1: when you're breathing the same man, sharing the same sheets,
Speaker 1: there's an energetic exchange. And anytime, as ms Pat said,
Speaker 1: you inject another energy into that, it's going you're going
Speaker 1: to feel it in the space. Let me ask you this,
Speaker 1: have you ever thought or accused someone of cheating only
Speaker 1: to find out that you were wrong. Yes, has that
Speaker 1: ever happened to anybody? Yes? Tell me do Tail do Tail?
Speaker 1: I had Miss Kyra.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: So in my relationship that I'm in currently, I've had
Speaker 4: experiences like you know, in the past where I actually
Speaker 4: you know, I'm young, so I don't know if this
Speaker 4: should be taken seriously, but guys have talked to, you know,
Speaker 4: other other girls, and you know, back then that was
Speaker 4: huge for me. So I feel like now me with
Speaker 4: my boyfriend currently the father of my child, Uh, sometimes
Speaker 4: I I kind of think that he's going to cheat
Speaker 4: on me or you know, so I feel like I
Speaker 4: kind of like prevent him from doing things when I
Speaker 4: kind of just need to let him be him, you know,
Speaker 4: because he hasn't done anything to make me feel like
Speaker 4: he would cheat on me, you know what I mean.
Speaker 4: So it's like I feel like I've kind of carried
Speaker 4: that into my now relationships.
Speaker 1: So you accused, but you were wrong.
Speaker 4: Right, Yeah? Like okay, So like we I would go
Speaker 4: through his phone and things like that, and there are
Speaker 4: girls in his phone, but it's previous to when we
Speaker 4: got together. But it's just me even seeing and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 4: you're still engaging with these women, Like I've said that
Speaker 4: to him before and he's like no, and he hasn't
Speaker 4: done anything currently. But it's just the fact that I'm
Speaker 4: even seeing it, you know what I mean, It just
Speaker 4: kind of put the bad taste in my mouth. So
Speaker 4: I feel like that is something that I need to
Speaker 4: work on because he hasn't done anything to make me
Speaker 4: feel like he would actually, you know, cheat on me.
Speaker 1: I want to talk about this whole concept of cheating
Speaker 1: for a moment, all right, Let's see if we can
Speaker 1: put the pieces together, because it could be physical cheating,
Speaker 1: it could be emotional cheating, it could be something else.
Speaker 1: I don't know what else. It would be just that
Speaker 1: someone isn't fully present in the relationship. Maybe they's spending
Speaker 1: more time, you know, it was at the baseball game
Speaker 1: or at the pool room or the bar. So how
Speaker 1: when you think about cheating, mister Luke, when you think
Speaker 1: about cheating, tell me what you how you define that?
Speaker 2: I think that's a really good establishing point. Right Defining
Speaker 2: cheating is very important because right now, you know, cheating
Speaker 2: has you know, created a lot there's a lot of
Speaker 2: spaces right for cheating and as you said, right, we
Speaker 2: can spend more time in the office instead of actually
Speaker 2: coming home. Even just this just sitting in your driveway,
Speaker 2: some people feel guilty about They may not actually want
Speaker 2: to just leave their cars and turn their key and
Speaker 2: open the door into their homes. Right, is that cheating?
Speaker 2: I think that when we talk about intimacy and we
Speaker 2: talk about that one to one, you know, relationship. Cheating
Speaker 2: to me is any any distraction or any distraction that
Speaker 2: is being used intentionally to to drive a wedge between
Speaker 2: you and that person.
Speaker 1: Hold it right there, hold it right there, hold it
Speaker 1: right there, hold it right there. Any distraction being used
Speaker 1: intentionally to drive a wedge between you and your partner
Speaker 1: or disrupt the harmony of the relationship. Wow, wow, mispath,
Speaker 1: how do you define cheating? Mispath?
Speaker 3: Different distractions that you intentionally do rather than SWI friends
Speaker 3: or family or I don't know your basketball games. You know,
Speaker 3: when you're not present in a relationship, Okay, that is
Speaker 3: that is a that is a cheating for me, when
Speaker 3: you're not present when we when there's obviously a different
Speaker 3: energy between us. You know, it's something that you rather
Speaker 3: do than than to be present in this in this
Speaker 3: intimate relationship.
Speaker 1: Mmm, So cheating doesn't always have to involve sex. It
Speaker 1: can involve talking, It can involve just absence, not being present,
Speaker 1: not wanting to be intimate. I love what mister Luke
Speaker 1: said about about the coldness. Yes, about the coldness. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: So let's think hypothetically now, so that your partner's being
Speaker 1: cold to you. Your partners, you know, because for some people,
Speaker 1: they with their job, their job becomes their other partner work,
Speaker 1: and the job becomes the other partner. So they're cold.
Speaker 1: They're working all the time. They they aren't present in
Speaker 1: the relationship. Something's always more important than the relationship. What
Speaker 1: do you think is the first thing you need to
Speaker 1: do to address this issue before you accuse them of
Speaker 1: having another person? What would you say would be the
Speaker 1: first thing they need to do? Because some people cheat
Speaker 1: with their cell phone, they cheat with Facebook and Twitter
Speaker 1: and all of them things. What would you like to do?
Speaker 3: I would ask, we would have a conversation and I
Speaker 3: would I would ask my you know how it's been
Speaker 3: significant other What is it that you need? Is it
Speaker 3: something that that's missing, Because a lot of time to
Speaker 3: be something missing, It don't necessarily mean it's you in them.
Speaker 3: What is it that you need, m that.
Speaker 1: You need for what? Because they may need they may
Speaker 1: need a biscuit and some cheese in that moment. But
Speaker 1: when you say, what is it that you need?
Speaker 3: Meanie, what is it that you need that's keeping you
Speaker 3: so distracted or you have to be so you know,
Speaker 3: involved in your Facebook, your Twitter? Whatever?
Speaker 5: Is it?
Speaker 3: Because you're something that is missing? What is missing from you?
Speaker 3: Is it something that we can work on talk about?
Speaker 3: Is it something that you can but you you know,
Speaker 3: what you need for yourself because a lot of it
Speaker 3: don't be It will.
Speaker 2: Always be the other person. Okay, so we would have
Speaker 2: a conversation.
Speaker 1: Okay, conversation mister Luke, what do you think is the
Speaker 1: first thing you.
Speaker 2: Need to do?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I think Miss pat draws a really powerful point right
Speaker 2: when she asked what is it that you need? I
Speaker 2: think really at the heart of that question is how
Speaker 2: can I continue to be your breath of fresh air?
Speaker 2: Right when we start to join into this intimacy, this
Speaker 2: relationship with the other, Right, it's mostly about expanding your
Speaker 2: breath and fresh air.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 2: You want that person to continually be your breath and
Speaker 2: fresh air and not be the point of suffocation. So
Speaker 2: the fact that they are turning to alternate you know,
Speaker 2: resources or alternate you know pieces objects or distractors, that
Speaker 2: means that there's something about what we're doing, something about
Speaker 2: how we're operating. The point and the manifesto of what
Speaker 2: we're doing has shifted, right, And so now the question is,
Speaker 2: you know, let's recalibrate here in this moment, and let's
Speaker 2: realign together in this moment, and let's find out how
Speaker 2: we can continually be the point of refreshment. You know,
Speaker 2: I think about just like a river that's flowing, right.
Speaker 2: We want to not be a point of blockage, right.
Speaker 2: I don't want to be something that you feel like,
Speaker 2: you know, you can't come to me for things. Where
Speaker 2: can we find solace in one another and continue to
Speaker 2: be so so it's more about redirecting, I think is
Speaker 2: really at the heart.
Speaker 1: Okay, and we'll talk about that when we come back.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the R spot for those who are
Speaker 1: just joining us. We're talking today about feeling, sensing, knowing
Speaker 1: that your partner is cheating, but you're looking for or
Speaker 1: you need or you require physical tangible evidence. And I've
Speaker 1: got three co hosts with me today mister Luke, a
Speaker 1: medical student, Ms Pat a fifty something teacher, and the
Speaker 1: young miss Caira. And so we're talking about that. We're
Speaker 1: going to continue our conversation. I want to offer a
Speaker 1: little coaching here if I can, because the question was,
Speaker 1: what's the first thing you need to do when you
Speaker 1: see sense suspect that your partner is cheating? What's the
Speaker 1: first thing? For me? The first thing would be to
Speaker 1: have a conversation and share your experience because so very
Speaker 1: often in relationships, we're having a relationship with a person
Speaker 1: that they are not having with us. Okay, we think
Speaker 1: the relationship should look like this, feel like this, be
Speaker 1: like this. What mister Luke said about recalibrating, the other
Speaker 1: person may not even know that the relationship is no
Speaker 1: longer calibrated. So I would offer that the first thing
Speaker 1: is to share the experience before you accuse, before you
Speaker 1: become offensive, before you make any leaps in the consciousness. Listen,
Speaker 1: I'm noticing that our pattern has changed. I'm noticing that
Speaker 1: our communication is off, and it feels to me like
Speaker 1: there's something going on with you. Is it something going
Speaker 1: on that we can talk about? Because as I share,
Speaker 1: as I reflect, back, this is different. That's different. You're
Speaker 1: doing this, you're doing that, and then I'd be very
Speaker 1: interested in the person's response. Miss Pat shared she told
Speaker 1: her husband, I can feel the person, and he became
Speaker 1: defensive and denied. So what do you do? I want
Speaker 1: to put this on the table for everybody. What do
Speaker 1: you do when you open up share your experience or
Speaker 1: your awareness or your feeling, not making them wrong, not accusing,
Speaker 1: but you share your experience and they deny it. What
Speaker 1: did you do? Miss Back? You've found the experience.
Speaker 3: I'll tell you what I did. I went in within.
Speaker 3: I went within?
Speaker 1: And what did that look like?
Speaker 3: That looked like introspection? That looked like awareness? Hey, Pat,
Speaker 3: what's going on?
Speaker 2: Girl? You know exactly what?
Speaker 3: You ain't going like? You know that? What you don't know?
Speaker 1: I like, you don't know. You're acting like you don't
Speaker 1: know what you do know what.
Speaker 2: I do know exactly?
Speaker 3: So I went into prayer, I went into meditation. I said, father,
Speaker 3: I need some courage.
Speaker 2: That's what I need.
Speaker 3: H Because I was I was with a I was
Speaker 3: with the habitual chronic liar. So I said, I said, father,
Speaker 3: I need some courage. I need some courage to be
Speaker 3: able to hold myself up within myself so I can
Speaker 3: move forward.
Speaker 2: That's what I did.
Speaker 3: I kept watching. An elder in the in the neighborhood
Speaker 3: was saying to me one time, she said, you know
Speaker 3: I knew my husband? Was she know me all the time?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 2: Pay?
Speaker 3: She said, you know what I used to do? She
Speaker 3: just I used to get his clothes ready.
Speaker 2: He said, I would get.
Speaker 1: His hold ready.
Speaker 3: She said, I would get his clothes ready. She said,
Speaker 3: while he's like, well, why are you keep getting me
Speaker 3: ready to go out? She said, is ain't you going?
Speaker 2: She said, every she said he would go, I would
Speaker 2: get this case, she said, so, she said.
Speaker 3: Soon later she said, he stopped. He stopped going.
Speaker 1: Mister Luke, what do you do when you know it,
Speaker 1: you feel it, you sense it, you have the conversation,
Speaker 1: you share your experience, and the person denies it.
Speaker 2: I think that the best thing to do when face
Speaker 2: with someone who is denying it, that just goes to
Speaker 2: show that the person is essentially they really don't want
Speaker 2: to hurt you. They don't want to face the music,
Speaker 2: they don't want to face the truth. And so what
Speaker 2: you have to do is really create a continue to
Speaker 2: create a safe space you know, for that relationship, because
Speaker 2: you know there's really no way out but out right.
Speaker 2: And so what you have to do is one figure
Speaker 2: out what you want to do in the relationship. You know,
Speaker 2: do you want to stay in this relationship? You want
Speaker 2: to continue to create this narrow blinder? You know, if
Speaker 2: I don't see it, it's not coming in my house.
Speaker 2: It's really about how do you want to continue to
Speaker 2: create the reality of your uh, create the reality around
Speaker 2: your senses and your emotional awareness, because if you continue
Speaker 2: to turn down the volume of your inner soul, it'll
Speaker 2: just start to chip away at who you are. It is,
Speaker 2: start to chip away at your own alignment. So it's
Speaker 2: really about, Okay, can I am I going to wait
Speaker 2: for this person to bring me the truth? Or am
Speaker 2: I going to create a safe space in the relationship
Speaker 2: so that we can continue to be honest and truthful
Speaker 2: with one another. And once I receive the and see
Speaker 2: the evidence, we can then chart a path forward. Hmm.
Speaker 1: So what I'm hearing you say and all of those words,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna break it down for our listeners. When you
Speaker 1: know you know, the question becomes what do you choose
Speaker 1: to do about it? When you know you know, because
Speaker 1: nobody's gonna say, yeah, I got another somebody over on
Speaker 1: the side because they give me something new. Nobody's gonna
Speaker 1: say that. No, And unless you catch them red handed,
Speaker 1: chances are they're just going to be in denial. Miss
Speaker 1: miss kiro let me ask you. I don't know if
Speaker 1: you've had this experience. I'm ana, I'm gonna reframe your question.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna reframe your question just a little bit. Okay,
Speaker 1: you have, you have the conversation, you share your experience,
Speaker 1: they deny it, and then the next day, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't know if you know who Nancy Wilson is.
Speaker 1: She she was a famous jazz singer and she sang
Speaker 1: this song about guess who I saw today. So you
Speaker 1: have the conversation with the person, they deny it, and
Speaker 1: the next day, you mine in your business going to
Speaker 1: the mall and they're at the outdoor restaurant. You see
Speaker 1: your partner with another person. What do you do at
Speaker 1: Miss twenty something? What do you do?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 3: What do I do?
Speaker 4: I think at that point? And this is kind of,
Speaker 4: you know, piggybacking off of what you guys have been saying.
Speaker 4: It's really just about like me making a choice for
Speaker 4: myself and my mental health if this is am I
Speaker 4: going to continue to deal with this? Or am I
Speaker 4: going to do with us for me and my baby?
Speaker 4: And you know, let the situation go. You know, like
Speaker 4: it really just comes down to that. For me in
Speaker 4: that moment, I would, you know, obviously, be very hurt
Speaker 4: and upset. And it's easier said than done to just leave,
Speaker 4: you know, a situation that you know that you are
Speaker 4: really invested in. But I think it's just really you know,
Speaker 4: about making a decision. You know, it's just like they
Speaker 4: made a decision to cheat. You have to make a
Speaker 4: decision about what's best for you.
Speaker 1: So do you walk over and let them, let your
Speaker 1: partner know you saw him. Do you walk over and
Speaker 1: let your partner know, maybe introduce yourself. Do you do that?
Speaker 4: I feel like I would. I feel like I would
Speaker 4: go over there and say something, but my energy would
Speaker 4: not be directed towards the girl. It would definitely be directed. Yeah,
Speaker 4: I would definitely make a conscious effort of that because
Speaker 4: she it's not my issue isn't with you, It's with him,
Speaker 4: you know what I mean. So that's something that I
Speaker 4: know that I have to be aware of.
Speaker 1: So many people my age and younger need to understand
Speaker 1: that because they go after the other person as opposed
Speaker 1: to going after their partner. Mispat do you make yourself known?
Speaker 1: Do you introduce yourself to to the to the person.
Speaker 3: No to no to my significant other? Yes, after I wouldn't.
Speaker 3: I have nothing to do with that woman. That's none
Speaker 3: of my business.
Speaker 1: Okay, mister loop, do you do you introduce yourself and
Speaker 1: let your partner know that you've seen them?
Speaker 5: Honestly, I'm very non confrontational, to be quite honest with you,
Speaker 5: I most likely just, you know, just walk away, really
Speaker 5: because at that point, you know, it's really it's really
Speaker 5: just confirmation and what introducing yourself and you know, and
Speaker 5: letting making yourself known is it's not necessarily going to
Speaker 5: shift the needle too much, right, It's more mostly about
Speaker 5: I saw this, this is what I saw, and you know,
Speaker 5: I would just kind of walk away and just take
Speaker 5: a deep breath and just kind of keep planning. You know,
Speaker 5: I'm very strategical about a lot of what I do.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm glad to hear that from a man's point
Speaker 1: of view, because as a woman, I would walk right
Speaker 1: up to the table and introduce myself. I certainly would.
Speaker 1: As a matter of fact, I have done it. I
Speaker 1: have done it. Walk right up and introduce myself. Forget
Speaker 1: my shopping at the mall. I would be home packing
Speaker 1: your clothes and they would be out on the front
Speaker 1: lawn and the lock would be changed when you got there.
Speaker 1: Now that's just me. I'm a woman. But I thank
Speaker 1: you for your perspective, mister Luke. No, no, m you
Speaker 1: don't get the Well, the other thing I would really
Speaker 1: want to do. The reason I would go to the
Speaker 1: table is because I want to know who you are.
Speaker 1: You could be a friend from work, you could be
Speaker 1: a coworker, you could be a business partner. So I'm
Speaker 1: going to do what mister Luke said. I'm going to
Speaker 1: observe for a moment. I want to see how y'all
Speaker 1: are talking, what y'all are doing. Are you sitting across
Speaker 1: from each other, next to which other? I want to
Speaker 1: kind of get a sense of that conversation because I
Speaker 1: don't want to make a fool out of myself. And
Speaker 1: then I'm going to walk right over and I'm going
Speaker 1: to introduce myself and I'm going to ask the other person, hi,
Speaker 1: and you are yeah, I certainly am, because I'm not
Speaker 1: going to give you the space you see. For me,
Speaker 1: choice is the sacred geometry of power. How I put
Speaker 1: my choices together, and the actions that I take in
Speaker 1: making a choice is going to either empower me or
Speaker 1: disempower me. Now, if I don't get clear about who
Speaker 1: this person is, you've already lied to me. I sense it,
Speaker 1: I see it, I feel it, I know it. I've
Speaker 1: raised with you my experience. You've either ignored, diminished, dismissed,
Speaker 1: or denied. Now I see you with you, know Shaquita
Speaker 1: at the outdoor cafe. I'm not going to give you
Speaker 1: the opportunity to lie to me again. I'm gonna walk
Speaker 1: right up to you, Hey, sweetie, how you doing? Maybe
Speaker 1: kiss you on your forehead, and I'm gonna turn to
Speaker 1: the other person and I'm gonna say I'm as I
Speaker 1: am so and so his wife, and your name is
Speaker 1: oh okay, and enjoy your lunch. Now that's just me.
Speaker 1: Now that's confrontation. I don't know, but I'm I'm going
Speaker 1: to find out who you are. Now that's just me, okay.
Speaker 1: And like you said, mister Luke, it is confirmation. And
Speaker 1: if I had been doing what miss pat was doing,
Speaker 1: which is praying for clarity, praying for direction, praying for courage,
Speaker 1: and two days later this thing would be revealed to me.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say, thank you God. Here it is. Here's
Speaker 1: the clarity, this is what I prayed for. But that's
Speaker 1: just me. I'm all pay me no mind. So that's
Speaker 1: it for today's episode of the Art Spot. We've talked
Speaker 1: a lot today about some signs and you have a
Speaker 1: cheating partner and the roadmap you should take if you
Speaker 1: feel your partner is cheating on you, But how can
Speaker 1: you move forward after the cheating is exposed. Join me
Speaker 1: and my co host and panelists next week as we
Speaker 1: dive into that part of the soup. In the meantime,
Speaker 1: stay in peace and not in piece it Fine. The
Speaker 1: r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite show.