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Speaker 1: Pules, it's time for the episode that's all about love,

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Speaker 1: and not just the kind of love you're thinking of.

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Speaker 1: We of course are going to talk about relationships and

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Speaker 1: true love, but more than that, it's friendship, love, family love,

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Speaker 1: self love. Because the real thing is love is all

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Speaker 1: around us, and if you haven't figured that out by now,

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Speaker 1: you may need a little bit more work than just

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Speaker 1: this podcast. I did have people send in a bunch

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Speaker 1: of things because relationships do surround us, and how love

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Speaker 1: is in our lives and how it impacts our lives

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Speaker 1: is so important. And that's why I decided to start

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Speaker 1: out our love series where I just talk about a

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Speaker 1: lot of things that you guys want to talk about,

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Speaker 1: because this is again all for you guys. The whole

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Speaker 1: point of doing this podcast is so I can connect

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Speaker 1: with you guys. We can connect with each other, and

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Speaker 1: we make things a little less difficult in our lives.

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Speaker 1: That's always the hope. I'm keeping all of this anonymous

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Speaker 1: because so many people are sharing vulnerable moments of their life.

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Speaker 1: Love is vulnerable, Love is difficult. So I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to put anybody on blasts with their names, but I

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Speaker 1: do want to share their stories and their questions and

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Speaker 1: all kinds of things too. We're going to kick things

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Speaker 1: off talking about trust and authenticity in relationships. I had

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Speaker 1: this person reach out because they're going through therapy and

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Speaker 1: this is the next phase of their therapy chapter where

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Speaker 1: they're focusing on relationships. And it's so interesting because so

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Speaker 1: much of what we're taught about relationships is you gotta

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Speaker 1: communicate and find the right partner and everything will work

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Speaker 1: itself out. But honestly, that's so much harder than just

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Speaker 1: saying that goes. Trust is hard, and being authentic and

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Speaker 1: who you are while showing up with a partner is

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Speaker 1: also really hard. If there's one thing I've realized in

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Speaker 1: all of my dating and the dates that have gone

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Speaker 1: on and just the other relationships that I've been in

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Speaker 1: over the course of my life, is that you can't

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Speaker 1: run off the person who's meant to be in your life.

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Speaker 1: You being you is supposed to welcome that person in

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Speaker 1: and give you a safe space to further be yourself.

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Speaker 1: If you're running people away from being exactly who you are,

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Speaker 1: then they aren't meant for you. That goes for any relationship,

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Speaker 1: but particularly your partnership, because if you can't be yourself,

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Speaker 1: be exactly who you are to every level, your weird

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Speaker 1: quirks and your funny flaws and yes, the bad qualities

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Speaker 1: that you have. Then it's it's not the right human

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Speaker 1: being because the right person in your life is not

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Speaker 1: going to scare easily. And you can say nearly anything.

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Speaker 1: Now I'm not talking anything horrible. If you're just a

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Speaker 1: horrible person, that's a different story altogether. But you can't

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Speaker 1: say the wrong thing to the right person. The right

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Speaker 1: person is going to love you exactly as you are.

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Speaker 1: And so when it comes to authenticity and relationships, it's

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Speaker 1: about being you and being comfortable with who you are.

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Speaker 1: It goes further than just wanting that person to love

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Speaker 1: you as you, but it's you wanting to love yourself

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Speaker 1: as you. I don't wholeheartedly believe that you need to

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Speaker 1: be completely fixed or have every wound healed to be

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Speaker 1: in a great relationship. In fact, a lot of the

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Speaker 1: work that you're going to need to do for yourself

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Speaker 1: is going to happen in a relationship. But you do

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Speaker 1: still have to show up in the relationship and be

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Speaker 1: somewhat in love with yourself. You have to be in

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Speaker 1: love with yourself, and that you're not going to tolerate

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Speaker 1: any bullshit. When we don't love ourselves or when we

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Speaker 1: don't understand how great we are or how capable we are,

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Speaker 1: then we're allowing somebody else to also not love us

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Speaker 1: to that degree. So how you show up and that

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Speaker 1: relationship is going to transpire. It's like your partner is

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Speaker 1: a mirror to you, right, They're the person who's going

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Speaker 1: to show you every innermost horrible pieces of yourself. And

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Speaker 1: if it's the right partner, that's a good thing. It

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Speaker 1: means you guys can work on that together and go

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Speaker 1: through life and understand things together. But if it's the

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Speaker 1: wrong partner, you're gonna know very quickly. So authenticity and

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Speaker 1: relationships matters. The way you love yourself matters entering into

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Speaker 1: that relationship. But more than anything, it's been exactly who

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Speaker 1: you're supposed to be. You shouldn't be trying to be

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Speaker 1: somebody else getting into a relationship. That's actually the worst

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Speaker 1: thing you can do. Putting on a first date is

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Speaker 1: the worst thing you can do because you're asking somebody

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Speaker 1: to love someone that doesn't exist, and that's not fair

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Speaker 1: for you or for them. So be you show up

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Speaker 1: who you are. Scars and all, and the right person

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Speaker 1: is going to stay regardless of all of those flaws

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Speaker 1: and those quirks, because if I can find somebody who

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Speaker 1: loves me with all of mine, I promise you that

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Speaker 1: you can. That does exist now in that same vein

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Speaker 1: that this person was particularly talking about was also trust,

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Speaker 1: and trust is something that's been incredibly difficult for me

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Speaker 1: over the really the entire course of my adult life.

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Speaker 1: It started when I was in high school and really

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Speaker 1: went through some horrible friendships, and those friendships, in turn

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Speaker 1: made me stop trusting people, and things that I experienced

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Speaker 1: with my older individuals or people who should be my

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Speaker 1: role models in my life also made me stop trusting

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Speaker 1: people in general, and so my trust in humans was

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Speaker 1: very low from a very young age and it only

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Speaker 1: continued into adulthood. I don't know if you guys have

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Speaker 1: seen the world today, but it's difficult to trust people.

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Speaker 1: It's difficult to believe that people are good, or that

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Speaker 1: they are inherently good or they will do good things.

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Speaker 1: We often see now that there's a lot of bad

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Speaker 1: and there's a lot hard in the world thanks to

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Speaker 1: social media. Now that doesn't mean I don't believe there

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Speaker 1: isn't still good in the world, Because there is, But

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Speaker 1: trust is hard, especially this day and age. Believing that

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Speaker 1: good people exist is hard. And I remember something so

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Speaker 1: so vividly, and I don't remember if it was my

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Speaker 1: therapist or my friend or who decided to tell me this,

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Speaker 1: but it was such a cool reflection and it really

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Speaker 1: made me think when I had no belief that there

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Speaker 1: was going to be another good person in the world,

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Speaker 1: I was told, you exist. So if you exist, how

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Speaker 1: could you not believe that there is good in the world.

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Speaker 1: And that started to rewrite my relationship with trust in people,

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Speaker 1: and I had to start learning to give people the

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Speaker 1: benefit of the doubt because that person was right, I

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Speaker 1: am good, So why should I believe that there isn't

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Speaker 1: other good out there? Just because I've had multiple interactions

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Speaker 1: with people who are bad and who have broken my

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Speaker 1: trust doesn't mean that I'm not going to have people

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Speaker 1: come into my path who aren't inherently good in the

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Speaker 1: ways that I had hoped. So that particular phrase started

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Speaker 1: to really reframe things in my mind and allow me

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Speaker 1: to believe that one, there was good in the world,

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Speaker 1: and two, because there's good in the world, there are

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Speaker 1: going to be people that I can trust, and it

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean it will be easy. There's still moments I'm

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Speaker 1: now engaged, and there's still moments in our relationship where

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Speaker 1: I have doubts of believing that this person could not

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Speaker 1: ever leave, or not cheat on me, or not do things,

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Speaker 1: because for fifteen years of my life, that's what I

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Speaker 1: believed in relationship, was that I was just gonna have

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Speaker 1: to deal with somebody cheating on me, and that's the

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Speaker 1: way it goes. And so I'm having to rewrite years

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Speaker 1: of this pain and broken trust even still today. It's not, unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: something that you just decide one day, Okay, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: trust people, and then now, oh all good. That's not

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Speaker 1: quite how it works, especially when it comes to trust,

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Speaker 1: because people will break your trust in a million different ways,

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Speaker 1: even not in the most hurtful, but even small little

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Speaker 1: moments every day, and that means you have to constantly

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Speaker 1: believe in the good in them while also understanding that

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Speaker 1: you can trust them. So maybe that little phrase can

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Speaker 1: help in that situation for your life, to believe in trust.

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Speaker 1: But I do believe so much of trust comes from

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Speaker 1: honoring the belief that we are good, and so if

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Speaker 1: we are good, somebody else must be good too, and

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Speaker 1: that does exist. I'm a witness to it, and I'm

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Speaker 1: somebody who is living in it right now. And that

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Speaker 1: was along the same other time of this question, because

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Speaker 1: somebody else asked, how do you trust yourself to find

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Speaker 1: real love after an abusive relationship? And I'm gonna be

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Speaker 1: so honest with you, guys. After my emotionally physically abusive relationship,

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Speaker 1: I spent three years by myself. I maybe went on

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Speaker 1: a handful of dates, but I really was dating pretty destructively.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't dating with intent to find somebody. I was

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Speaker 1: more dating to hope that there was other good people

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Speaker 1: in the world, but I wasn't really finding it. I

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Speaker 1: wasn't really healthy in that space because I was still

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Speaker 1: hurting and I was still in fight or flight. So

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Speaker 1: for three years after that relationship, I spent a really

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Speaker 1: good chunk of time being pretty destructive to the things

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Speaker 1: that I typically believe in, want to see, and do

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Speaker 1: in my life when it comes to relationships. But about

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Speaker 1: halfway through that is when I really started to see

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Speaker 1: the healing process come into place, and I was working

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Speaker 1: on understanding that same phrase that somebody had told me

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Speaker 1: of if you're good in this world, then there must

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Speaker 1: be other good in the world. And that sent me

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Speaker 1: on a different trajectory to see that there could be

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Speaker 1: other things out there beyond trusting somebody, beyond dating somebody,

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Speaker 1: there is still hope that there's a love out there

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Speaker 1: that could be for me when the time is right

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Speaker 1: for me to be healed. And I knew that time

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Speaker 1: wasn't soon, So I really had to work on that

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Speaker 1: inner relationship with myself of trusting myself again. Honestly, that

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Speaker 1: was that first step of any of it, was trusting

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Speaker 1: myself to make the right decisions to I really believed

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Speaker 1: after that relationship that I didn't make good decisions and

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Speaker 1: that I chose somebody horrible for me. So how could

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Speaker 1: I be trusted myself? Like I went from not trusting

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Speaker 1: anybody to also then not trusting myself. Can you imagine

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Speaker 1: the turmoil that puts on your emotional status in life.

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Speaker 1: And I had to repair that relationship first, and I

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Speaker 1: had to understand the roles that I played but also

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Speaker 1: the roles that I didn't play, and give myself more

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Speaker 1: grace than I really was giving. So trusting myself became

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Speaker 1: one of the hardest battles after that relationship, Well, once

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Speaker 1: I regained that then it was like home free. From there,

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Speaker 1: I started to really understand the relationship I had with

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Speaker 1: myself and how that impacted the relationships outside. So true

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Speaker 1: love is available for everyone. In real true love, I'm

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Speaker 1: not talking about the kind where you think about an

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Speaker 1: abusive relationship and they're incredibly toxic, where they're also intoxicating.

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Speaker 1: You feel one way and then you're pushed in another direction.

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Speaker 1: It's like this giant push pull thing. I'm talking about

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Speaker 1: real true love that makes you feel safe and calm,

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Speaker 1: and it's not a tornado. It's actually like a wave

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Speaker 1: at the beach that is soothing you. That's what real

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Speaker 1: true love is. And you also have to understand that

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Speaker 1: those are different types of love, and the toxic one

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Speaker 1: is not the one that you want to spend the

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Speaker 1: rest of your life in. So reframing those relationships within

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Speaker 1: yourself will be huge for you to get to that

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Speaker 1: next step to even start to want to date again,

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Speaker 1: let alone opening up yourself to find the real love

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Speaker 1: that I think you know at the bottom of your

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Speaker 1: heart does exist. How long did it take you to

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Speaker 1: give your self permission to let your guard down after

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Speaker 1: meeting him, him referring to my fiance, mister b It

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Speaker 1: took me a long time. Honestly, there was still this

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Speaker 1: still a running joke between us, because I'm going to

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Speaker 1: say we were about six months into our relationship and

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Speaker 1: I still was waiting for the other shoe to drop,

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Speaker 1: and he was so wonderful that there was just so

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Speaker 1: much in the back of my mind sitting like this

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Speaker 1: is too good to be true. There's no way this

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Speaker 1: is who you are and when is it gonna change?

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Speaker 1: And it's really funny because the whole time when I

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Speaker 1: would say that, he would be like, I promised you,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to show you for the rest of your

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Speaker 1: life that this is exactly who I am and I'm

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Speaker 1: never gonna change. You're seeing me, this is me, this

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Speaker 1: is who you get. And he's been a wonderful reassurance

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Speaker 1: when I've had those moments. But it's funny because it

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Speaker 1: still exists. He would say often towards what I didn't

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Speaker 1: realize was him proposing. He'd be like, Okay, so if

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Speaker 1: I put like a ring on your finger, are you

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Speaker 1: gonna believe that I'm not gonna leave? Is that gonna

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Speaker 1: be the moment where you like realize I promise I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna stay. And I was like, maybe, I hope. So

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Speaker 1: we did the proposal and that night I was like, so,

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Speaker 1: I guess you really aren't leaving. Hun. He's like, I've

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Speaker 1: been trying to tell you that and in so many ways,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, I don't know. He's still cover

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Speaker 1: not married yet, and he's just like at me and

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Speaker 1: rolled his eyes. So I think there's always gonna be

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Speaker 1: a part of me that's afraid of people leaving. That's

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Speaker 1: really what it is, more than anything after everything I've

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Speaker 1: been through, is that one somebody's gonna hurt me in

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Speaker 1: a huge way, especially somebody I give my heart too,

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Speaker 1: because I do give my heart pretty freely. I'm a

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Speaker 1: very loving, empathetic person. So I just want to give

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Speaker 1: love because I want to receive love. And that's who

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Speaker 1: I am and I've always been. I've never shied away

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Speaker 1: from being that person. But I realize is now, even

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Speaker 1: being in this healthy, beautiful relationship, that there's always going

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Speaker 1: to be this inner piece of me, no matter how

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Speaker 1: much I've worked on her, no matter how much I've

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Speaker 1: given her safety and allowed her to feel good, again,

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Speaker 1: there's always going to be that inner piece of me

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Speaker 1: that thinks somebody's going to leave. And maybe that's also

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Speaker 1: just being human, because at the end of this life,

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Speaker 1: people do leave, and that's hard for me to reconcile

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Speaker 1: with a lot of the time too, So I don't

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Speaker 1: know that is ever truly going to go away. That

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Speaker 1: being said, having a partner who not only loves me

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Speaker 1: in his love languages, but understands me and mine and

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Speaker 1: how I need to be reassured and how I need

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Speaker 1: somebody to sometimes hold my hand and walk me through

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Speaker 1: things is a huge piece to this whole puzzle because

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Speaker 1: I had been with partners before who never done that

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Speaker 1: for me. I'd been doing it for them, but I

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Speaker 1: never had somebody who could safely allow me to even

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Speaker 1: be willing to let my guard down. There was always

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Speaker 1: a guard. There was always at the end of the day,

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Speaker 1: there was like this. My heart was in the tower.

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Speaker 1: I was protecting the heart, and the heart couldn't get out.

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Speaker 1: But with him now my heart is out freely, while

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Speaker 1: also still knowing that it could get broken one day

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Speaker 1: from the end of life, from life's cruelest intentions, unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: but he gave me the space and the ability to

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Speaker 1: understand that life with another person was worth me letting

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Speaker 1: my heart out of the tower. And it takes a

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Speaker 1: special human being to allow you to feel that way

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Speaker 1: after going through a bunch of things. So he really

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Speaker 1: was the one who has allowed me the permission to

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Speaker 1: do so, if you will, But a lot of it

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Speaker 1: was me and accepting that I was finally safe. Even

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Speaker 1: still when the moments are I give him a hard

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Speaker 1: time that he's going to leave me, but he won't

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Speaker 1: and I know that, or I wouldn't have said yes

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Speaker 1: to him, and I wouldn't have looked at rings with him.

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Speaker 1: He was the only guy I ever looked at rings

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Speaker 1: with because of how safe and secure that I felt,

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Speaker 1: And that was very telling all along. What about overcoming

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Speaker 1: anxiety when you're finally in a healthy relationship goes along

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Speaker 1: with what we're just talking about here, And I'll further

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Speaker 1: add that I actually think it's really healthy to be

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Speaker 1: anxious and nervous in a healthy new relationship, one because

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Speaker 1: it means that you're understanding this is a different situation,

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Speaker 1: and two because you're protecting yourself. At the end of

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Speaker 1: the day, we do have to look out for ourselves,

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Speaker 1: and we do have to protect ourselves. And there's plenty

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Speaker 1: of stories out there where somebody's a nice guy or

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Speaker 1: a nice one for six months, a year, a few years,

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Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden they're a completely different person.

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Speaker 1: So I think it's human behavior to be anxious and

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Speaker 1: to be worried and be concerned. But much like the

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Speaker 1: conversation I had to have with myself when I got

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Speaker 1: into the relationship with my fiance and we were about

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Speaker 1: six months in and we were starting to live together,

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Speaker 1: I had to have a conversation with myself and be like,

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Speaker 1: if you really want to pursue this, if you really

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Speaker 1: want this relationship to work, then you have to allow

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Speaker 1: him the chance to make it work. I couldn't keep

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Speaker 1: putting up the walls and I couldn't keep creating my

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Speaker 1: safe boundary and my tower of my heart if I

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Speaker 1: wanted the love and relationship that I truly desired. And

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Speaker 1: he had given me so many signs and so many

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Speaker 1: green flags and so many great moments to believe in him.

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Speaker 1: He showed me his consistency, He showed me the security,

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Speaker 1: the safeness, He showed me everything I needed to know,

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Speaker 1: and the only thing that was stopping me from really

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Speaker 1: embracing the relationship was me. And I think that's an

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00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:20,480
Speaker 1: important piece to this, is that you when you feel

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Speaker 1: those moments of safety, security, consistency, and you're seeing the

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Speaker 1: actions not just words because words mean nothing, but when

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Speaker 1: you're seeing the actions play out in real time and

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Speaker 1: this person is consistently the same human being, not just

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Speaker 1: with you, but with friends and with family, then you

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00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,520
Speaker 1: really do have to have that conversation with yourself and

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Speaker 1: say why am I standing in my own way? And

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Speaker 1: that's when you can start breaking down those barriers in

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Speaker 1: those walls. And it's not going to be a you

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00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,479
Speaker 1: don't take a sledgehammer to it. Honestly, you take an

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Speaker 1: ice pick and you just chip a few out, a

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Speaker 1: little bit at a time, and then one day you

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Speaker 1: wake up and holy crap, you've sledgehammer the whole wall

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Speaker 1: with an ice pick. So it will come in waves

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Speaker 1: and in moments, but you do have to get honest

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Speaker 1: with yourself when the time comes. If it's new, you're

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00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,960
Speaker 1: still learning, you're still understanding, but when the time comes

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00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:14,359
Speaker 1: and you'll know your body knows, your heart knows, have

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00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:17,400
Speaker 1: that conversation so you can start to move forward. Oh,

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00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:21,200
Speaker 1: let's get into this A Hi, love this question. How

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00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:24,359
Speaker 1: do you stop looking for it? I'm content single, but

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00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:28,760
Speaker 1: still find myself searching. Oh this is so tough. Okay,

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00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:32,119
Speaker 1: let me say this first and foremost. Because everybody loves

341
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,760
Speaker 1: to say when they get into a relationship and tell

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00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,920
Speaker 1: singles and tell the people in their life who don't

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00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:42,359
Speaker 1: have their person, they say, when you stop looking, it

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00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:46,600
Speaker 1: will find you. Let's cut that narrative really quick, because

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00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,600
Speaker 1: while there is truth to that, the reality of telling

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00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:54,440
Speaker 1: someone to stop looking for the one thing that their

347
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:59,480
Speaker 1: heart desires is not going to help anybody. So let's

348
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:03,560
Speaker 1: reframe this and instead I'm going to stay stop controlling.

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00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:08,240
Speaker 1: I was a master controller in a lot of ways

350
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Speaker 1: in my life. I really love to know what's going

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Speaker 1: to happen. I love to control the situation. I like

352
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,320
Speaker 1: to be in controlled environments again because it made me

353
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Speaker 1: feel safe. It wasn't controlling in the word that that

354
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,760
Speaker 1: has become associated in all the negative terms. I just

355
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:26,040
Speaker 1: really like to have control of things because it allowed

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Speaker 1: me to feel safety and security after a lot of

357
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:32,480
Speaker 1: things that I'd been through. So I like to even

358
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:35,399
Speaker 1: take control. I would get on dating apps and be like, Okay,

359
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Speaker 1: I'm going to set myself up for three dates this week.

360
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Speaker 1: I'm going to control the fact that I'm going to

361
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Speaker 1: go out three nights this week, or I'm going to

362
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Speaker 1: make sure when I go out tonight that I talked

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00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,439
Speaker 1: to at least one person. I was always controlling the

364
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:50,119
Speaker 1: situation in one way or another, sometimes a little looser,

365
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:53,560
Speaker 1: sometimes a little bit more strict. But I was trying

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00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,840
Speaker 1: to control the path that I was on because it

367
00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:01,040
Speaker 1: allowed me to heal. It was really great for a

368
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:02,800
Speaker 1: period of my life because it did help me, and

369
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,040
Speaker 1: it did save me in a lot of ways, and

370
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:08,639
Speaker 1: it saved me from certain situations, but it did also

371
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:12,600
Speaker 1: potentially hurt me had I not let go of the

372
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:19,520
Speaker 1: reins and instead of not looking, because inherently, again human nature,

373
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Speaker 1: you're gonna look. You're gonna go out to a grocery store,

374
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,520
Speaker 1: you're gonna go to a gym, and you're gonna look

375
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,400
Speaker 1: at people and say, oh, they're cute. Oh I might

376
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:29,679
Speaker 1: want to talk to them. You should, that's normal, and

377
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:33,400
Speaker 1: you should act on those things. That's also putting yourself

378
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:39,560
Speaker 1: out there. But more than that, it's stop controlling what

379
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:44,000
Speaker 1: could happen. And I think The moment when I finally

380
00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:50,240
Speaker 1: let go of the reins was truly the weekend that

381
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,840
Speaker 1: my girlfriends were in town. Everything transpired at the same time.

382
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:57,000
Speaker 1: Within that week. The weekend before, i'd just been talking

383
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,720
Speaker 1: to a friend and I had had this light bulb

384
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:04,080
Speaker 1: moment of realization where oh my gosh, I know exactly

385
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:06,880
Speaker 1: what I needed a partner. I finally figured it out.

386
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:09,320
Speaker 1: Because that's what dating is all about, is finding the

387
00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:11,760
Speaker 1: partner that you want. It's finding the qualities that you

388
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:16,399
Speaker 1: enjoy and the things that you're looking for. And I

389
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,480
Speaker 1: had finally figured out the piece that I'd missed all

390
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,720
Speaker 1: along was that I'd want somebody with a similar heart

391
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:26,800
Speaker 1: to mine. I wanted somebody with really great emotional intelligence

392
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:30,240
Speaker 1: and empathy and compassion. And I was really finding a

393
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,640
Speaker 1: lot of lackluster and that in dating. But once that

394
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,800
Speaker 1: light bulb moment hit, it was almost like I just

395
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,040
Speaker 1: kind of put my hands up and was like, now

396
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:43,600
Speaker 1: that I have my answer, Now that I controlled everything

397
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,720
Speaker 1: that I could control, this is no longer anything I

398
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:51,120
Speaker 1: can do about. I had to genuinely raise my hands

399
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:56,080
Speaker 1: up and say, Okay, deep bra, We're just gonna go

400
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,560
Speaker 1: through life and see what happens from here because I

401
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,960
Speaker 1: found my answer. I did everything that I could possibly

402
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:06,879
Speaker 1: do to find my person, and so it was no

403
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,119
Speaker 1: longer the role that I needed to play in my life.

404
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:12,040
Speaker 1: And when I let go of those rains is when

405
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,359
Speaker 1: everything changed, and shortly after is when I met my

406
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:19,880
Speaker 1: now fiance, and it had so much to do with that.

407
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,919
Speaker 1: So I'm not going to tell you to stop looking.

408
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,240
Speaker 1: I think you should keep looking. If you see somebody

409
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,960
Speaker 1: out and you want to talk to him, if you

410
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:29,280
Speaker 1: want to give your phone number, you want to go

411
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,280
Speaker 1: on a date on a daynap, do it. That doesn't

412
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:34,879
Speaker 1: mean you're all of a sudden not looking. I think

413
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,680
Speaker 1: what you do need to do, though, in most cases,

414
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:41,200
Speaker 1: is let go of the rains and stop doing so much,

415
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:45,879
Speaker 1: stop controlling so much, just enjoy your life, be in

416
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:50,520
Speaker 1: the present moment and accept what is going to come.

417
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:54,560
Speaker 1: And the right person is never going to miss you.

418
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,880
Speaker 1: And I know, even me saying that is easier said

419
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,120
Speaker 1: than done. But I don't want you to stop looking.

420
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,600
Speaker 1: I don't think that's how this works. A different way

421
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:05,760
Speaker 1: to that. I might get some blowback on that, but

422
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,480
Speaker 1: that's how I feel, and in that same vein is

423
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,879
Speaker 1: how to stay present in singleness. It's so hard to

424
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:16,920
Speaker 1: not get discouraged while dating, and truthfully, I understand that

425
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:20,639
Speaker 1: there was so many moments of my life, especially in

426
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,720
Speaker 1: my twenties, where I would just be sitting on my

427
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 1: kitchen floor and start crying randomly, what is happening to me?

428
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:30,920
Speaker 1: Because I felt like I was behind Right, I looked

429
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,159
Speaker 1: at a lot of my friends from college, and I

430
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:35,919
Speaker 1: shouldn't say a lot of them, all of them, the

431
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:39,720
Speaker 1: ones that I had lived with in college, every single

432
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:42,080
Speaker 1: one of them was married. They were on kid one,

433
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:45,399
Speaker 1: kid two, kid three. And then there was me and

434
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,800
Speaker 1: I was still single. I hadn't even found anybody. I

435
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:52,240
Speaker 1: was thriving in other ways, but I really felt like

436
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:57,080
Speaker 1: I was behind the eight ball in so many different categories,

437
00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,760
Speaker 1: and so there were several moments that I felt this,

438
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:04,760
Speaker 1: But truly, when I letting go of those reins was

439
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:09,119
Speaker 1: really the moment where I felt so much freedom in

440
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:15,200
Speaker 1: being single. But more than that, in that last year, truly,

441
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:20,120
Speaker 1: I would say like I was really trying my best

442
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:26,280
Speaker 1: to just do things that made me happy. Really like,

443
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,480
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, I stopped trying to

444
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,840
Speaker 1: focus on what I didn't have and really focus on

445
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:34,600
Speaker 1: what I did have. I had my incredible pets who

446
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:38,199
Speaker 1: I absolutely adore, and I'd take Remy on hikes and

447
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:41,199
Speaker 1: we'd go on trips with our friends, or I'd go

448
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,399
Speaker 1: and try a new hobby, or I'd pick up a

449
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:48,120
Speaker 1: different cooking. I cooked a lot, and so much of

450
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:52,960
Speaker 1: what I found in that was doing things that I loved.

451
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,200
Speaker 1: Allowed me to stay more in the present moment. Because

452
00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,560
Speaker 1: I had so much love around me, how could I

453
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:02,120
Speaker 1: possibly be focused on the one love that I didn't have.

454
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:06,080
Speaker 1: And it really helped majority of the time. I'm not

455
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,320
Speaker 1: gonna lie to you and say it helped every single time.

456
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:11,639
Speaker 1: There was still moments. There were still wedding invites that

457
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,560
Speaker 1: I got that was like a blow to the chest

458
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,720
Speaker 1: or a post on social media, and then your whole

459
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:20,920
Speaker 1: feed is babies and engagements, and then there's you. I'm

460
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,600
Speaker 1: not going to tell you that it works every single time,

461
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,159
Speaker 1: but I am going to tell you that it helped.

462
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:28,159
Speaker 1: Not only did it help me in those moments to

463
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:29,800
Speaker 1: know that I had other things and know that I

464
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:32,080
Speaker 1: had plenty of love in my life, but it also

465
00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:34,160
Speaker 1: allowed me to be the person who I was meant

466
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:36,520
Speaker 1: to be before my partner came in my life. That

467
00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:41,000
Speaker 1: was the advantage that I had. I had the privilege

468
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:45,920
Speaker 1: to be the person who was last in my society

469
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:49,560
Speaker 1: and last in my community to get engaged and find

470
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:53,399
Speaker 1: that person, because it took that long to find the

471
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:57,760
Speaker 1: right person. And I'm so glad that I waited, because

472
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:01,919
Speaker 1: the right person. Gosh, if I, oh my goodness, if

473
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:03,959
Speaker 1: I got engaged or married to anybody that I had

474
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:08,320
Speaker 1: dated before, you wouldn't see the same girl sitting here today.

475
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:12,720
Speaker 1: And there's a reason for that. So rushing any of

476
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:15,000
Speaker 1: that process is also not going to get you the

477
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:19,520
Speaker 1: result that you want. And also knowing that helped. I

478
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,560
Speaker 1: don't know about you, but I knew plenty of couples

479
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:24,399
Speaker 1: who were really happy and very much in love, and

480
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:27,800
Speaker 1: I knew plenty of couples who weren't. And I knew

481
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:29,639
Speaker 1: that I wanted to be one of those couples that

482
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:33,000
Speaker 1: was very much in love and happy years later, and

483
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,760
Speaker 1: that was my goal at the end of the day.

484
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,360
Speaker 1: So I wasn't in a rush to make sure I'm

485
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,200
Speaker 1: on the other side of that and be the couple

486
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:43,000
Speaker 1: that was unhappy just because I needed to get married.

487
00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:45,680
Speaker 1: So that thought also helped me in a lot of

488
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:51,080
Speaker 1: those moments. But more than anything, just find things that

489
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,240
Speaker 1: you love, do things that make you happy, and surround

490
00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:55,760
Speaker 1: yourself with other kinds of love because other kinds of

491
00:28:55,800 --> 00:29:01,280
Speaker 1: love exist. And we're also speaking of dating, So let's

492
00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:04,080
Speaker 1: talk about that first date. What do you do on

493
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:05,840
Speaker 1: a first date? Do you get dressed up? How do

494
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:07,880
Speaker 1: you be? Because you did hear me say you need

495
00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:11,400
Speaker 1: to be exactly yourself? Now we'll say I did not

496
00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:13,760
Speaker 1: show up on my first dates looking like a grimlin

497
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:17,160
Speaker 1: like I normally do, or in my daily uniform, and

498
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:19,880
Speaker 1: I very much wish I would have on several of those,

499
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:23,200
Speaker 1: but I didn't. I did at least try to look

500
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:26,600
Speaker 1: my best, because presentation does matter. I don't think you

501
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:29,800
Speaker 1: need to overdo anything. I think you should still be

502
00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:32,320
Speaker 1: exactly who you are. Like you're seeing me right now,

503
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:34,680
Speaker 1: this is what I would wear on a date. If

504
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:38,200
Speaker 1: you're watching this on YouTube or on social media, this

505
00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:40,640
Speaker 1: is what I would wear on a date. And I

506
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:43,080
Speaker 1: think an outfit like this is great. I also think

507
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:45,200
Speaker 1: if you want to wear yoga pants and sweats, then

508
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,400
Speaker 1: you should do that, because again, the right person is

509
00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 1: never going to pass you up, even if you're wearing

510
00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:51,920
Speaker 1: yoga pants and sweats. Heck, I don't know how many

511
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,240
Speaker 1: people I'd meet when I'd be wearing onesies out at

512
00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:56,440
Speaker 1: the bars, when I'd just want to be comfy. Wear

513
00:29:56,480 --> 00:29:59,280
Speaker 1: whatever you want, whatever makes you feel the most comfortable

514
00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:02,360
Speaker 1: and makes you feel feel the most confident. But beyond

515
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:04,400
Speaker 1: that for a first date, I don't stick to any

516
00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:07,080
Speaker 1: of these rules that then usually go on a dinner

517
00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:09,640
Speaker 1: for a first date, or you must do drinks or

518
00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:13,320
Speaker 1: go for a walk or get ice cream. There's honestly

519
00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:18,200
Speaker 1: no perfect first date. First dates are awkward. It doesn't

520
00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:20,880
Speaker 1: matter what you do. The first date is going to

521
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,200
Speaker 1: be awkward. You may have great conversation and once you

522
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:25,160
Speaker 1: get into it, but leading up to that and the

523
00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:27,760
Speaker 1: moment of getting there and the moments of anything happening,

524
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:30,920
Speaker 1: it's awkward. You're meeting a new human for the first time,

525
00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:34,000
Speaker 1: probably because you met them online or if you're lucky,

526
00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:36,000
Speaker 1: you met them in person, and you're actually meeting the

527
00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:38,200
Speaker 1: real version of them versus the person that you met

528
00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:41,840
Speaker 1: out in real life. They're awkward, They're uncomfortable, and you

529
00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:45,400
Speaker 1: just have to accept that and then from there do

530
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:47,880
Speaker 1: again for the date. What makes you feel comfortable. If

531
00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:50,240
Speaker 1: it's getting coffee or getting a drink, then do that.

532
00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:52,719
Speaker 1: If you really want to have dinner, do that. I'm

533
00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:55,200
Speaker 1: gonna tell you. Also, eating on a first date very awkward.

534
00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:57,400
Speaker 1: I don't know how many times I would order things

535
00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:59,480
Speaker 1: and be happy because I was trying to take little

536
00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:02,040
Speaker 1: fingie by want to not get anything in my teeth,

537
00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:05,000
Speaker 1: and two because I was trying to talk at the

538
00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:09,160
Speaker 1: same time. So it's all awkward. If you embrace that awkwardness,

539
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,240
Speaker 1: it does help. I wasn't very good at that. I

540
00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:15,400
Speaker 1: was actually terrible at embracing awkwardness. I really hate uncomfortable situations.

541
00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:18,400
Speaker 1: So you'd see a lot of what you're hearing and

542
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:21,160
Speaker 1: watching right now where I just talk a whole bunch

543
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:23,720
Speaker 1: because filling the void makes me feel better. There's not

544
00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:26,880
Speaker 1: really a typical one, but maybe that helped you embrace

545
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:30,440
Speaker 1: what dating is. It's also fun, right, I often said

546
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:32,120
Speaker 1: when I was dating, you'd do it for the plot.

547
00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:34,880
Speaker 1: Those stories live with me for the rest of my life.

548
00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:37,920
Speaker 1: On the hundreds of first dates that I went on,

549
00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:41,160
Speaker 1: they have lived within me and they'll live through me

550
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:42,920
Speaker 1: for the rest of my life. So at least she

551
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:47,080
Speaker 1: got stories to tell. Speaking of getting into partners when

552
00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:50,360
Speaker 1: you start dating. This person asked how to become more

553
00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:55,600
Speaker 1: communicative with my partner. I have issues handling it all myself. Honestly,

554
00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:57,880
Speaker 1: it shouldn't be all yourself. If you're trying to communicate

555
00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:00,440
Speaker 1: with your partner, you should both be in that digs

556
00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:03,120
Speaker 1: two to tango. You know that old saying you should

557
00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:06,240
Speaker 1: both be communicating with each other. But I think if

558
00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:10,400
Speaker 1: you were not a communicative partnership to begin with, then

559
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:13,000
Speaker 1: you have to open up the lines of communication. You

560
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:16,720
Speaker 1: got to start somewhere, right, So go to your partner.

561
00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:19,080
Speaker 1: I'm hoping it's a safe situation where you can go

562
00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:21,920
Speaker 1: to them and say, hey, I really want to start

563
00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:25,920
Speaker 1: having these conversations and I want to address stuff and

564
00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:30,040
Speaker 1: have open communication moving forward. But you have to open

565
00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:33,320
Speaker 1: that line of communication first. You can't expect somebody to

566
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:36,280
Speaker 1: read your mind, so you do have to set the precedent,

567
00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:40,480
Speaker 1: and once the precedent is that, then hopefully the communication follows.

568
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:43,280
Speaker 1: And I'm just going to tell you right now at

569
00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:45,920
Speaker 1: the end of the day, like it's just with anything

570
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:47,680
Speaker 1: you should do in life, you have to be your

571
00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:51,840
Speaker 1: own advocate. You have to be the representative of yourself,

572
00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:55,000
Speaker 1: and if you're not doing it, who is. I know

573
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:59,240
Speaker 1: that it's difficult to tell people multiple things over and

574
00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:02,400
Speaker 1: over again to hope that they got it after the

575
00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:06,440
Speaker 1: first try. But communication, partnership is so much more than that,

576
00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:09,560
Speaker 1: and it's understanding that the other person that you're with

577
00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:12,720
Speaker 1: is supposed to be your partner, your team partner. You're

578
00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:16,719
Speaker 1: supposed to do things together. And if you're always saying

579
00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:19,560
Speaker 1: things and hoping for them to understand it or they

580
00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:22,640
Speaker 1: don't get it, then you get frustrated. It's not going

581
00:33:22,720 --> 00:33:24,600
Speaker 1: to end up working in the way that you hoped.

582
00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:28,840
Speaker 1: Because if you look at a football team, right, Okay,

583
00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:31,640
Speaker 1: I've been having to watch so much football this past year.

584
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:34,760
Speaker 1: If you look at a football team, what happens when

585
00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:37,760
Speaker 1: they don't communicate with each other. It's a disaster and

586
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:40,320
Speaker 1: you ended up yelling at the tv. Right. The same

587
00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:43,560
Speaker 1: thing happens in relationships. If you guys are on eighteen

588
00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 1: different pages, you think you're going to get a touchdown,

589
00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:49,560
Speaker 1: you think good things are gonna come from that, it

590
00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:54,480
Speaker 1: won't because it's about being a team and working together

591
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:58,400
Speaker 1: to fight the enemy, which could be the problem that

592
00:33:58,440 --> 00:34:00,239
Speaker 1: you guys are having at the end of the day.

593
00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:03,560
Speaker 1: Even if you guys are on opposing sides of a problem,

594
00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:05,520
Speaker 1: you're on the same team. So how can you come

595
00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:10,600
Speaker 1: together and understanding that is a huge part of working

596
00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:13,319
Speaker 1: on that communication with your partner, But it starts with

597
00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:17,680
Speaker 1: opening a line and being an advocate for you and

598
00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:20,000
Speaker 1: for your partner. I had to do this a lot

599
00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:23,120
Speaker 1: in my relationship with my fiance in the beginning, because

600
00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:25,360
Speaker 1: he had been taught not to talk about things. He

601
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:28,920
Speaker 1: had been taught in previous relationships that they didn't want

602
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:33,600
Speaker 1: to hear how he felt or what he was experiencing

603
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:35,319
Speaker 1: on a day to day basis, or what his work

604
00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:38,279
Speaker 1: life was like. And I was like, I'm gonna cut

605
00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:40,200
Speaker 1: you off right there, because that's not how this is

606
00:34:40,239 --> 00:34:41,600
Speaker 1: going to work. I want you to tell me how

607
00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:43,040
Speaker 1: your day went. I want you to tell me how

608
00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:45,080
Speaker 1: you're feeling. I want you to tell me if I

609
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:49,200
Speaker 1: pissed you off. I need you to communicate over communicate

610
00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:52,759
Speaker 1: in fact, and we'll even have check ins with each other,

611
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:55,960
Speaker 1: Like we had a massive ice storm that just happened

612
00:34:56,000 --> 00:35:01,200
Speaker 1: in Nashville, and after the whole thing happened, we sat

613
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:03,640
Speaker 1: down together and we finally were like in the house

614
00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:08,000
Speaker 1: after days without power, staying in a hotel, emergency VET visits,

615
00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:13,200
Speaker 1: and just a whole combination of crazy things, and we

616
00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:16,759
Speaker 1: were finally warm in our house and we just kind

617
00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:18,640
Speaker 1: of looked at each other and was like, that was crazy,

618
00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:22,680
Speaker 1: But also did I show up okay for you in that?

619
00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:25,520
Speaker 1: How did we do as a partnership in that? And

620
00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:29,160
Speaker 1: asking those kind of questions is a game changer because

621
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:31,960
Speaker 1: neither of us really had anything to share. We were

622
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:36,279
Speaker 1: both really appreciative of each other, and we both did

623
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:40,480
Speaker 1: well to work as that unit. But more than anything,

624
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:43,960
Speaker 1: it was just even having the ability to share if

625
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:48,080
Speaker 1: something was wrong. It was me creating the space, him

626
00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:51,600
Speaker 1: creating the space for there to be a safe and

627
00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:56,080
Speaker 1: open line of communication. I keep saying open line of communication.

628
00:35:56,200 --> 00:35:59,320
Speaker 1: I feel like a telephone reporter or something. But hopefully

629
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:03,239
Speaker 1: that helps get you on a journey that communication can

630
00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:06,240
Speaker 1: be a front runner in your relationship because it is important.

631
00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:08,440
Speaker 1: I used to say it's the number one most important

632
00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:10,879
Speaker 1: thing because I felt like it was, but I would

633
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:13,720
Speaker 1: say it's probably top five. Communication is a game changer.

634
00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:15,640
Speaker 1: If you're not talking to your partner, then who is

635
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:19,920
Speaker 1: all right? We're going to get into the older girlies,

636
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:23,640
Speaker 1: as somebody called it. She said, don't forget us older

637
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:26,600
Speaker 1: girlies who are divorced and still trying to find the

638
00:36:26,719 --> 00:36:30,800
Speaker 1: right love, and then continues, We've got how to figure

639
00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:33,080
Speaker 1: out what love is again in my middle fifties and

640
00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:35,880
Speaker 1: is it worth it? And then you've got somebody who's

641
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:38,799
Speaker 1: single seven and a half years, she's forty four and

642
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:40,960
Speaker 1: over the apps. How can I put myself out there

643
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:43,759
Speaker 1: to meet people in that same line? How do you

644
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,040
Speaker 1: open yourself to opportunities to meet men? So all in

645
00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:50,160
Speaker 1: the same category. But first of all, I'm going to

646
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:53,280
Speaker 1: say this right now, I'm not at that later stage

647
00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:55,799
Speaker 1: of my life yet, so I can't fully attest to it.

648
00:36:56,200 --> 00:37:00,319
Speaker 1: But getting engaged at thirty two to me and like

649
00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:03,399
Speaker 1: incredibly late in life at the time, like when this

650
00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:05,680
Speaker 1: is all happening, I'm like, oh dang. Like I mentioned,

651
00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:07,839
Speaker 1: I have friends who are on their third baby by now,

652
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:10,880
Speaker 1: and look at me, I'm just now getting engaged. So

653
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:13,640
Speaker 1: society loves to tell us our timelines and tell us

654
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:15,880
Speaker 1: when and where we should do things, but the realities,

655
00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:18,120
Speaker 1: that's not how life works. And at the end of

656
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:22,440
Speaker 1: the day, everybody has their own journey, their own path,

657
00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:29,080
Speaker 1: their own story that they're creating, and your timeline is

658
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:33,320
Speaker 1: inherently yours, and you are the only one who gets

659
00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:36,480
Speaker 1: to decide when and where something happens, and if it's

660
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:38,480
Speaker 1: going to happen, and if you want it to happen.

661
00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:44,800
Speaker 1: I believe fully that love can exist in every single decade,

662
00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:51,200
Speaker 1: with multiple different types of people in ages. I don't

663
00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:53,759
Speaker 1: think love just happens when you're twenty or when you're

664
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:56,640
Speaker 1: twenty five or when you're thirty. I think love is

665
00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:59,040
Speaker 1: all around us all the time. If I believe that,

666
00:37:59,239 --> 00:38:01,400
Speaker 1: then I'll be no good to sit here and say, oh,

667
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:03,520
Speaker 1: you can't find it now. No, heck, yeah, you're gonna

668
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:05,239
Speaker 1: find it now. In fact, you're probably gonna find the

669
00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:07,799
Speaker 1: thing that you've always been looking for that it just

670
00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:11,640
Speaker 1: took you longer to find that right person, maybe because

671
00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:14,560
Speaker 1: you're waiting, maybe because you're being pickier, maybe because you

672
00:38:14,600 --> 00:38:18,080
Speaker 1: have high standards, all of which are incredibly great things.

673
00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:20,080
Speaker 1: Mind you, the world would love to tell you differently,

674
00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:24,000
Speaker 1: but that's not true. And maybe you've been married before

675
00:38:24,239 --> 00:38:27,160
Speaker 1: and you got divorced, or maybe you had kids in

676
00:38:27,239 --> 00:38:30,919
Speaker 1: life happened. There's so many different factors when you start

677
00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:33,719
Speaker 1: to talk about love later in life, but I just

678
00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:35,839
Speaker 1: need you to know. And I'm only referring to it

679
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:38,319
Speaker 1: as later in life because I don't know how to

680
00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:41,879
Speaker 1: specify different decades just later than the life that I'm

681
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:47,799
Speaker 1: in right now. But love will absolutely happen for you

682
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:51,640
Speaker 1: if you want it to happen. I was having this

683
00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:55,400
Speaker 1: conversation with a friend where she was really talking about

684
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:58,680
Speaker 1: how she wanted to have kids, and she felt like

685
00:38:58,719 --> 00:39:01,440
Speaker 1: it was getting too late and she wasn't sure if

686
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:03,759
Speaker 1: she was going to be able to and what that

687
00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:07,080
Speaker 1: looked like, and she wasn't finding people who were really

688
00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:11,200
Speaker 1: giving her that option. If you will, And I remember

689
00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:16,040
Speaker 1: saying to her that if it's something you really want,

690
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:19,040
Speaker 1: then your story, your journey, your path is going to

691
00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:21,160
Speaker 1: make it happen. I don't know that's going to make

692
00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:23,760
Speaker 1: it happen in the way that you believe it should happen,

693
00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:28,359
Speaker 1: but it will make it happen. And I still wholeheartedly

694
00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:31,279
Speaker 1: believe that. And things have worked out for her in

695
00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:35,080
Speaker 1: a multitude of different ways. But so much of what

696
00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:38,280
Speaker 1: we love to control is based on things that people

697
00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:40,799
Speaker 1: told us. That you should get married when you're twenty one,

698
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:42,640
Speaker 1: and you should stay married for the rest of your life,

699
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,600
Speaker 1: and you should have five babies, and you should have

700
00:39:44,640 --> 00:39:47,239
Speaker 1: a white pick of fens, and make sure you buy

701
00:39:47,280 --> 00:39:50,720
Speaker 1: the giant mansion, and YadA, YadA, YadA. It was ingrained

702
00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:54,200
Speaker 1: into all of us. But the truth is, whatever you

703
00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:57,640
Speaker 1: want in your life, you have the ability to make

704
00:39:57,680 --> 00:40:00,840
Speaker 1: it happen at the end of the day, with life,

705
00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:05,640
Speaker 1: with love, with careers, with anything, and if it's something

706
00:40:05,640 --> 00:40:09,480
Speaker 1: that you really truly in your heart desire, you will

707
00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:12,280
Speaker 1: find a way to make it happen one way or another.

708
00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:16,879
Speaker 1: Whether it's fate or your spiritual beliefs or whatever, it's

709
00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:20,400
Speaker 1: going to happen. And I very much believe that to

710
00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:24,120
Speaker 1: be true for all of my older girlies who are

711
00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:27,640
Speaker 1: still trying to find their love and putting yourself out

712
00:40:27,640 --> 00:40:31,360
Speaker 1: there is difficult, especially if you've been burned before. But

713
00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:34,920
Speaker 1: more than that, I'll say, in general, you have to

714
00:40:34,920 --> 00:40:37,439
Speaker 1: take your face out of your phone if you want

715
00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:39,840
Speaker 1: to meet people in the world. There's two things I

716
00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:41,680
Speaker 1: would do. Get your face out of your phone when

717
00:40:41,719 --> 00:40:43,440
Speaker 1: you're out and about if you're at the grocery store,

718
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:45,400
Speaker 1: if you're at the gym, if you're on a walk,

719
00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:48,160
Speaker 1: if you're who knows what you're doing, but don't be

720
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:50,200
Speaker 1: on your phone. Be open to the world around you.

721
00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:52,799
Speaker 1: Be open to your surroundings. You never know the kind

722
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:56,120
Speaker 1: of conversations you can have if you're just present when

723
00:40:56,120 --> 00:41:00,880
Speaker 1: you're out in the world. Two, make sure that you

724
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:05,839
Speaker 1: are open minded to the type of person that might

725
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:08,200
Speaker 1: find you. I'm not talking about your standards. Do not

726
00:41:08,239 --> 00:41:10,720
Speaker 1: lower them. I will never ever tell you to lower

727
00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:14,360
Speaker 1: a standard. But be open to the type of person

728
00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:18,200
Speaker 1: that you've created in your head, because more often than not,

729
00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:22,239
Speaker 1: that is not what's coming. And I'm not saying my

730
00:41:22,360 --> 00:41:25,319
Speaker 1: fiance wasn't. He's the perfect person I could have asked for,

731
00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:28,600
Speaker 1: but I don't know that he was the exact image

732
00:41:28,600 --> 00:41:31,520
Speaker 1: of what I created, and he came in a much

733
00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:34,520
Speaker 1: better package than I could have ever asked for. So

734
00:41:35,719 --> 00:41:39,600
Speaker 1: be open minded to what you think you want in

735
00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:43,399
Speaker 1: that capacity, and then be present out in the world.

736
00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:46,120
Speaker 1: And I think those are two ways. Also, do things

737
00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:48,560
Speaker 1: you love. I'll preach that all day long, because not

738
00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:50,760
Speaker 1: only is it good for you and your own life,

739
00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:53,560
Speaker 1: but doing things you love allow you to meet other

740
00:41:53,600 --> 00:41:56,959
Speaker 1: people doing things that they love. So whether that's rock

741
00:41:56,960 --> 00:42:02,719
Speaker 1: climbing or painting or making pottery. I don't care, but

742
00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:05,120
Speaker 1: go and do it, because you may just meet somebody

743
00:42:05,120 --> 00:42:08,160
Speaker 1: in those circumstances. Those are all tips. I would have

744
00:42:08,239 --> 00:42:12,040
Speaker 1: to be out into the world and meeting people, and

745
00:42:12,680 --> 00:42:15,920
Speaker 1: this further goes down. I've had two serious relationships. I'm

746
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:20,440
Speaker 1: thirty one, will third time being my prince charming. I

747
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:22,839
Speaker 1: freaking hope so for you. Heck, I hope everybody gets

748
00:42:22,880 --> 00:42:26,000
Speaker 1: to find their prince charming now and if not now,

749
00:42:26,040 --> 00:42:27,759
Speaker 1: then tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, the next day. I

750
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:30,440
Speaker 1: won that for all of you guys. But I do

751
00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:34,120
Speaker 1: think putting pressure on the next person being prince charming

752
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:38,120
Speaker 1: at the end of the day will make it harder

753
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:40,600
Speaker 1: for that to be your prince charming. You know, I

754
00:42:40,640 --> 00:42:43,759
Speaker 1: think I did that narrative for a while when I

755
00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:47,560
Speaker 1: was Hi gosh a couple of years ago, and I

756
00:42:47,680 --> 00:42:49,879
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, the next one he's gonna be it.

757
00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:52,560
Speaker 1: I'm not going to date anybody until I know that

758
00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:54,719
Speaker 1: they're it, and I put that pressure on myself. You

759
00:42:54,719 --> 00:42:57,759
Speaker 1: want to know what happened. He wasn't it. He wasn't it.

760
00:42:58,239 --> 00:43:01,520
Speaker 1: So I wouldn't put press sure on anything to believe

761
00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:03,279
Speaker 1: that this next one has to be it, because then

762
00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:05,040
Speaker 1: you might end up in the wrong relationship and you

763
00:43:05,120 --> 00:43:07,440
Speaker 1: might end up with the wrong prince charmy. So do

764
00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:13,520
Speaker 1: not enter into anything with this solid belief that whether

765
00:43:13,880 --> 00:43:16,200
Speaker 1: I'm gonna date this person, I'm gonna marry this person,

766
00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:19,240
Speaker 1: we're gonna have babies. Do not enter and do anything

767
00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:23,080
Speaker 1: that way. You need to enter into things with an

768
00:43:23,120 --> 00:43:29,080
Speaker 1: open mind, clear eyes, full heart, scan loos, and an

769
00:43:29,760 --> 00:43:33,680
Speaker 1: open minded ability to see what's in front of you

770
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:35,960
Speaker 1: and what could be in front of you and the potential,

771
00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:40,960
Speaker 1: rather than envisioning what you think is perfect. So just

772
00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:45,720
Speaker 1: put that right there. Talking about some friendships now feeling

773
00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:49,760
Speaker 1: like all friendships are surface level, even with longtime friends.

774
00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:54,920
Speaker 1: There's this part of me that realized, as I've gotten

775
00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:57,560
Speaker 1: older that I think this is a lot more common

776
00:43:57,760 --> 00:44:02,040
Speaker 1: than we love to say. Right, being an adult is hard.

777
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,560
Speaker 1: First of all, it's hard to be an adult, and

778
00:44:05,600 --> 00:44:07,719
Speaker 1: they don't ever really prepare you for it anywhere on

779
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:10,279
Speaker 1: the long line of places that they send us when

780
00:44:10,320 --> 00:44:15,600
Speaker 1: we're kids. But more than that, being an adult and

781
00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:18,719
Speaker 1: trying to have a career and have a relationship and

782
00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:21,879
Speaker 1: build a life for yourself and be social and get

783
00:44:22,000 --> 00:44:25,320
Speaker 1: enough sleep and be healthy there's a lot of work,

784
00:44:25,640 --> 00:44:31,400
Speaker 1: So your friendships becoming surface level, even your longtime ones,

785
00:44:32,440 --> 00:44:36,120
Speaker 1: is normal. I'm not saying you have to live with

786
00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:40,000
Speaker 1: it that way, but it is normal because you've become busy,

787
00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:42,760
Speaker 1: they've become busy, and then it just feels like checking

788
00:44:42,760 --> 00:44:44,880
Speaker 1: in randomly and oh, I'll see you maybe in a

789
00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:49,600
Speaker 1: couple months. But there is somebody who've had on this podcast,

790
00:44:49,719 --> 00:44:52,400
Speaker 1: she said something that I really loved, and she was

791
00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:56,400
Speaker 1: talking about community, and she said, if you want to

792
00:44:56,480 --> 00:45:02,080
Speaker 1: have community, then you have to embrace be inconvenienced. And

793
00:45:02,120 --> 00:45:04,440
Speaker 1: I sat with that a while because I was like, dang,

794
00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:07,479
Speaker 1: being inconvenience really stucks when you're adult. I'm not gonna lie.

795
00:45:07,520 --> 00:45:10,279
Speaker 1: There's a lot of things there, but there's so much

796
00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:15,800
Speaker 1: truth to it, right, Like, it's hard to keep friendships

797
00:45:15,960 --> 00:45:19,560
Speaker 1: when you're older, especially if you have kids, especially if

798
00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:22,960
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship, especially if XYZ you got a

799
00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:25,560
Speaker 1: demanding job. Add it to the list of things. It's

800
00:45:25,680 --> 00:45:31,440
Speaker 1: hard to sustain friendships. And that's why having community can

801
00:45:31,480 --> 00:45:35,680
Speaker 1: be inconvenient, and you should inconvenience yourself to have community.

802
00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:39,719
Speaker 1: So I would look into those friendships one see, are

803
00:45:39,760 --> 00:45:41,520
Speaker 1: you putting in a lot of work and they're not,

804
00:45:41,719 --> 00:45:44,880
Speaker 1: then that's a different conversation. See if none of you

805
00:45:44,920 --> 00:45:48,240
Speaker 1: are putting in work, then that's also a different topic.

806
00:45:48,280 --> 00:45:53,360
Speaker 1: But if you're the person in this who isn't inconveniencing

807
00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:56,160
Speaker 1: yourself to have those friendships, there might be something that

808
00:45:56,200 --> 00:46:00,960
Speaker 1: you can adjust to make those friendships not feel surface

809
00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:04,759
Speaker 1: level anymore. You really have to find ways to incorporate

810
00:46:05,200 --> 00:46:08,439
Speaker 1: friendship in your daily life. Everybody deserves to have friends

811
00:46:08,480 --> 00:46:11,080
Speaker 1: and have friendship. You should have friends in friendship outside

812
00:46:11,120 --> 00:46:15,400
Speaker 1: of your relationships and your career and everything. They're incredibly

813
00:46:15,520 --> 00:46:19,400
Speaker 1: important to your well being, and you might have to

814
00:46:19,400 --> 00:46:22,120
Speaker 1: find new ways that those friendships exist. Right there's one

815
00:46:22,160 --> 00:46:24,480
Speaker 1: friend who I will go and run errands with, will

816
00:46:24,520 --> 00:46:26,800
Speaker 1: go and shop and do the things we need to

817
00:46:26,840 --> 00:46:29,160
Speaker 1: both do together, and that's how we catch up and

818
00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:32,319
Speaker 1: we both get things done. Or I have friends that

819
00:46:32,400 --> 00:46:34,520
Speaker 1: I'll go walking with because we're all trying to get

820
00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:36,799
Speaker 1: healthy and we do that. I've had friends that I

821
00:46:36,840 --> 00:46:39,920
Speaker 1: cook with because I want to cook healthier meals, and

822
00:46:40,239 --> 00:46:43,880
Speaker 1: I've incorporated those friendships further into my life that way.

823
00:46:44,120 --> 00:46:48,000
Speaker 1: Or we'll set a date for game night four weeks

824
00:46:48,080 --> 00:46:50,360
Speaker 1: in advance, because I need to make sure it's on

825
00:46:50,400 --> 00:46:53,480
Speaker 1: my calendar, but I'm always still making it a priority

826
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:58,600
Speaker 1: whenever I possibly can manage. So I would look at

827
00:46:58,600 --> 00:47:02,799
Speaker 1: those friendships, are you guys both on this level of

828
00:47:03,280 --> 00:47:06,799
Speaker 1: we can't be in convenience to sustain these friendships or

829
00:47:06,840 --> 00:47:09,759
Speaker 1: is it one or the other and really evaluate the situation.

830
00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:13,000
Speaker 1: But I would encourage anybody, especially this day and age,

831
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:15,640
Speaker 1: because it's really easy. Trust me, it's really easy. I

832
00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:18,120
Speaker 1: really love staying home. I like staying in my sweats

833
00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:21,080
Speaker 1: and sitting on the couch and not doing anything. It

834
00:47:21,120 --> 00:47:25,160
Speaker 1: feels really good. But that being said, there's the other

835
00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:28,719
Speaker 1: day when something random popped up for my fiancee and

836
00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:31,839
Speaker 1: I to go and meet up with friends, and I

837
00:47:32,040 --> 00:47:34,520
Speaker 1: was just having myself a day with it because I

838
00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:36,360
Speaker 1: was stressed out. I had a long week, and I

839
00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:38,440
Speaker 1: was like, I don't want to do anything. I really

840
00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:40,560
Speaker 1: was mentally already in a place where I was on

841
00:47:40,640 --> 00:47:44,560
Speaker 1: the couch for the remainder of the night, and I'm

842
00:47:44,560 --> 00:47:46,279
Speaker 1: not gonna lie to you. I bitched about it a lot.

843
00:47:46,440 --> 00:47:48,400
Speaker 1: I was probably not a very pleasant person in that moment,

844
00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:51,080
Speaker 1: but literally the words that came out of my mouth

845
00:47:51,560 --> 00:47:54,640
Speaker 1: as I'm about to have to get ready. I was like, no,

846
00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:58,560
Speaker 1: because community means being inconvenience, and I need to be

847
00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:01,600
Speaker 1: inconvenienced right now because as I can, because I'm in

848
00:48:01,600 --> 00:48:03,719
Speaker 1: a position that I can be in convenience, and that's

849
00:48:03,719 --> 00:48:06,960
Speaker 1: not always the case. I'm not don't ever put that

850
00:48:07,040 --> 00:48:09,080
Speaker 1: in a place where it needs to not be right.

851
00:48:09,239 --> 00:48:11,920
Speaker 1: You're going through stuff and there's a whole lot of

852
00:48:11,920 --> 00:48:15,400
Speaker 1: life happening. Then this is not applying to that. There's nuance,

853
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:18,600
Speaker 1: of course, but if you're like me and you were

854
00:48:18,640 --> 00:48:20,919
Speaker 1: sitting on the couch and you weren't doing anything, then yeah,

855
00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:23,440
Speaker 1: I deserve to be inconvenience in that moment so I

856
00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:26,359
Speaker 1: could show up and be a friend. Because I want

857
00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:28,160
Speaker 1: to have friends, I also have to show up and

858
00:48:28,160 --> 00:48:30,960
Speaker 1: be a friend. So there's a lesson I learned in

859
00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:33,719
Speaker 1: all of that. Maybe that can help you, in a

860
00:48:33,760 --> 00:48:37,240
Speaker 1: way understand what's happening with your friendships and then figure

861
00:48:37,280 --> 00:48:39,759
Speaker 1: out what role you need to play to either help

862
00:48:39,800 --> 00:48:42,399
Speaker 1: them or maybe make new friends, because that's a part

863
00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:45,279
Speaker 1: of this too. Then we got a mom that's on

864
00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:47,200
Speaker 1: the other side of this. She's a new stay at

865
00:48:47,200 --> 00:48:49,920
Speaker 1: home mom after working twenty years and she's trying to

866
00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:54,759
Speaker 1: find herself. I am never going to pretend to understand

867
00:48:55,080 --> 00:48:59,400
Speaker 1: the things moms have to go through on any level,

868
00:48:59,520 --> 00:49:03,960
Speaker 1: on postpartum, on having a child, on working or not working,

869
00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:07,120
Speaker 1: or I'm never possibly going to understand it. But I

870
00:49:07,160 --> 00:49:09,919
Speaker 1: do think there's an important conversation here to be had

871
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:16,760
Speaker 1: because oftentimes moms unfortunately lose their identity within their kids,

872
00:49:17,440 --> 00:49:19,360
Speaker 1: not because they're not a good mom, because they're actually

873
00:49:19,400 --> 00:49:23,040
Speaker 1: a really great mom, because that's what is required of them.

874
00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:27,400
Speaker 1: Oftentimes to give a child a beautiful life, you lose

875
00:49:27,440 --> 00:49:30,239
Speaker 1: who you are and you try your best to give

876
00:49:30,239 --> 00:49:32,520
Speaker 1: them everything that they need, so you get put on

877
00:49:32,560 --> 00:49:36,759
Speaker 1: the back burner. So I would imagine the reverse is

878
00:49:36,760 --> 00:49:40,560
Speaker 1: happening here where you've been working for twenty years and

879
00:49:40,600 --> 00:49:43,160
Speaker 1: now you're at home, and there's this kind of identity

880
00:49:43,239 --> 00:49:46,719
Speaker 1: shift that's happening in this moment where you're like, is

881
00:49:46,760 --> 00:49:49,320
Speaker 1: this truly what I want? Did I make the right decision?

882
00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:53,880
Speaker 1: And at the end of the day, when you're making

883
00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:57,399
Speaker 1: any kind of big decision where life is changing one

884
00:49:57,600 --> 00:50:02,120
Speaker 1: because change is uncomfortable. Hate change. Humans hate change. That's

885
00:50:02,120 --> 00:50:04,480
Speaker 1: what we are. We like to be creatures of habit

886
00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:07,759
Speaker 1: And I'm guilty of it, the next person's guilty of it.

887
00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:11,399
Speaker 1: Creature of habit is easy and it's comfortable, and I'm

888
00:50:11,520 --> 00:50:14,920
Speaker 1: never gonna be mad at somebody for staying in something

889
00:50:14,960 --> 00:50:20,160
Speaker 1: that's comfortable. But doing something so different, especially after twenty years,

890
00:50:20,280 --> 00:50:24,399
Speaker 1: is brave and it's empowering in a way. Hopefully there's

891
00:50:25,000 --> 00:50:27,440
Speaker 1: a weight off your shoulders that you didn't know existed.

892
00:50:28,560 --> 00:50:33,120
Speaker 1: Often when change comes, good follows because if you were

893
00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:36,279
Speaker 1: brave enough to make the big change, there was a

894
00:50:36,320 --> 00:50:38,479
Speaker 1: reason for it, and that reason for it is going

895
00:50:38,520 --> 00:50:42,560
Speaker 1: to reward you. So while I understand you're in this

896
00:50:42,640 --> 00:50:46,400
Speaker 1: new identity, just changeover of trying to understand what this means,

897
00:50:47,120 --> 00:50:49,160
Speaker 1: I hope you give yourself the grace to know that

898
00:50:49,160 --> 00:50:51,720
Speaker 1: you're brave enough to make that change for whatever reason,

899
00:50:52,000 --> 00:50:54,959
Speaker 1: for whatever you needed to do for your family. And

900
00:50:55,280 --> 00:50:57,320
Speaker 1: I do hope you find yourself. I hope you find

901
00:50:57,920 --> 00:50:59,920
Speaker 1: love within yourself. Maybe being a stay at home mom

902
00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:01,560
Speaker 1: is going to give you a little bit more time

903
00:51:01,960 --> 00:51:05,439
Speaker 1: for yourself in different ways. Maybe it's gonna show up

904
00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:08,920
Speaker 1: in finding different friendships that you didn't know that you needed.

905
00:51:09,600 --> 00:51:12,880
Speaker 1: This new phase of your life could be the change

906
00:51:12,920 --> 00:51:14,799
Speaker 1: that you've been looking for twenty years and you just

907
00:51:14,840 --> 00:51:17,600
Speaker 1: didn't know it. I also think it's important to grieve

908
00:51:18,160 --> 00:51:20,799
Speaker 1: your past life. You know that the twenty years you

909
00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:23,400
Speaker 1: spent working, because it sounds like you loved what you

910
00:51:23,400 --> 00:51:25,239
Speaker 1: were doing if you did it for twenty years. So

911
00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:27,520
Speaker 1: I do think there's a grieving that needs to happen

912
00:51:27,560 --> 00:51:31,160
Speaker 1: where you let go of that. And maybe you are

913
00:51:31,239 --> 00:51:33,840
Speaker 1: letting go temporarily. Maybe it's only for a short time.

914
00:51:34,320 --> 00:51:38,120
Speaker 1: Maybe life's gonna reward you with something different than what

915
00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:42,360
Speaker 1: you expected. Who knows, but I do think you grieve

916
00:51:42,480 --> 00:51:44,839
Speaker 1: and understand that was a big chunk of your life

917
00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:47,440
Speaker 1: that was really important to you. And there's nothing wrong

918
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:50,640
Speaker 1: with you having something really important in your life. Then

919
00:51:50,800 --> 00:51:52,879
Speaker 1: your family. It's also cool that you had a job

920
00:51:52,920 --> 00:51:56,040
Speaker 1: that you loved that's also awesome, and you were working. Mom.

921
00:51:56,120 --> 00:51:59,279
Speaker 1: You're probably kicking ass out there. So maybe those are

922
00:51:59,280 --> 00:52:04,319
Speaker 1: things that to hear. There's so many awesome ones in here,

923
00:52:04,360 --> 00:52:08,839
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna end on this one, the importance of

924
00:52:08,880 --> 00:52:12,400
Speaker 1: waiting for the right man. So I'm a big believer

925
00:52:12,480 --> 00:52:15,880
Speaker 1: in this in friendships and relationships, really, in any relationship

926
00:52:15,880 --> 00:52:19,640
Speaker 1: that you choose to have in your life, because you

927
00:52:19,760 --> 00:52:23,560
Speaker 1: are who you surround yourself with. Your entire life is

928
00:52:23,600 --> 00:52:26,480
Speaker 1: impacted by the people in your life. How you view

929
00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:29,719
Speaker 1: the world, how you see your surroundings, your mental health,

930
00:52:29,719 --> 00:52:33,160
Speaker 1: your physical health, your emotional well being, all that's impacted

931
00:52:33,200 --> 00:52:37,160
Speaker 1: by the people you surround yourself with. And that's why

932
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:40,480
Speaker 1: I'm a full believer in keeping your standards and be

933
00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:43,279
Speaker 1: picky about who you let into your life. I think

934
00:52:43,320 --> 00:52:48,080
Speaker 1: those are really important things. And understanding why you've chosen

935
00:52:48,120 --> 00:52:50,640
Speaker 1: those people to be a part of your life also matters.

936
00:52:52,280 --> 00:52:56,440
Speaker 1: It's wild to think anybody would allow somebody in such

937
00:52:56,480 --> 00:53:00,160
Speaker 1: a vulnerable place in their life right as the role

938
00:53:00,239 --> 00:53:03,560
Speaker 1: of a partner, without truly believing that this person can

939
00:53:03,600 --> 00:53:08,320
Speaker 1: do everything you possibly need to happen when the time comes.

940
00:53:08,360 --> 00:53:12,520
Speaker 1: Because if you truly think about it, your partner is

941
00:53:12,560 --> 00:53:15,120
Speaker 1: going to see you through the death of your parents,

942
00:53:15,239 --> 00:53:18,520
Speaker 1: maybe even of your grandparents, maybe of pets that you have.

943
00:53:19,160 --> 00:53:23,399
Speaker 1: They're going to see you grieve job losses, They're going

944
00:53:23,440 --> 00:53:29,760
Speaker 1: to see you go through many of life's tumultuous things

945
00:53:29,760 --> 00:53:34,239
Speaker 1: that you're going to experience. This partner has to show

946
00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:37,239
Speaker 1: up for all of that. That's what the requirement is

947
00:53:37,280 --> 00:53:41,080
Speaker 1: when you're entering a relationship. That's what you're agreeing to

948
00:53:41,400 --> 00:53:47,359
Speaker 1: is to be a teammate. And I can't possibly fathom

949
00:53:49,000 --> 00:53:51,640
Speaker 1: why anybody would want a teammate at the end of

950
00:53:51,719 --> 00:53:56,920
Speaker 1: the day that can't sustain and be the support system

951
00:53:56,960 --> 00:53:59,799
Speaker 1: that they absolutely need in all those scenarios. I know

952
00:53:59,840 --> 00:54:02,719
Speaker 1: how it happens. I know that life happens, and I

953
00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:09,120
Speaker 1: know that there's incredible circumstances where you end up with

954
00:54:09,160 --> 00:54:12,319
Speaker 1: somebody that wasn't the plan, or you meet someone and

955
00:54:12,360 --> 00:54:14,480
Speaker 1: you thought something and then they turned out to be different.

956
00:54:17,560 --> 00:54:20,880
Speaker 1: But once you know that, you got to find a

957
00:54:20,920 --> 00:54:22,759
Speaker 1: way to do better. Right, You've got to find a

958
00:54:22,800 --> 00:54:28,040
Speaker 1: way to find this person, because choosing the right teammate

959
00:54:28,080 --> 00:54:29,799
Speaker 1: for the rest of your life is one of the

960
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:32,120
Speaker 1: biggest decisions you get to make. It's one of the

961
00:54:32,200 --> 00:54:36,040
Speaker 1: things that you do have control over. Right, there's fate,

962
00:54:36,120 --> 00:54:39,080
Speaker 1: and there's spiritual beliefs, and there's all kinds of things.

963
00:54:39,120 --> 00:54:41,560
Speaker 1: When it comes to meeting the person, everybody says this

964
00:54:41,760 --> 00:54:44,480
Speaker 1: and that way of how it happens, But you get

965
00:54:44,480 --> 00:54:46,640
Speaker 1: to decide if you're with that person for the rest

966
00:54:46,680 --> 00:54:52,200
Speaker 1: of your life upon meeting them, and you should choose

967
00:54:52,440 --> 00:54:56,520
Speaker 1: the person who's going to do everything to make you

968
00:54:56,600 --> 00:55:01,920
Speaker 1: feel loved and cared for and supported, safe and secure.

969
00:55:02,200 --> 00:55:06,080
Speaker 1: That is what it's all about. That's what matters. And

970
00:55:06,320 --> 00:55:11,719
Speaker 1: you should feel about your partner in any situation, bad

971
00:55:11,840 --> 00:55:14,400
Speaker 1: or good. Just like if you were to pick up

972
00:55:14,400 --> 00:55:16,160
Speaker 1: your phone and call your best friend to fill them

973
00:55:16,160 --> 00:55:18,239
Speaker 1: in on the news, that's how you should feel about

974
00:55:18,239 --> 00:55:25,080
Speaker 1: your partner. You should feel excited and comfortable and not

975
00:55:25,280 --> 00:55:29,560
Speaker 1: afraid to tell them anything, and not afraid that if

976
00:55:29,600 --> 00:55:31,960
Speaker 1: something's going to happen that they're not going to have

977
00:55:32,040 --> 00:55:34,880
Speaker 1: your back, or they're not going to support you, or

978
00:55:34,880 --> 00:55:36,359
Speaker 1: they're not going to show up in the way that

979
00:55:36,520 --> 00:55:38,680
Speaker 1: you need them to show up. Not just show up,

980
00:55:39,400 --> 00:55:41,120
Speaker 1: but show up in the way that you need them to.

981
00:55:42,200 --> 00:55:46,960
Speaker 1: Because love is the only thing we get really in

982
00:55:47,000 --> 00:55:48,719
Speaker 1: this life at the end of the day, that's the

983
00:55:48,880 --> 00:55:56,320
Speaker 1: price that we pay for living is love. And choosing

984
00:55:56,440 --> 00:55:59,560
Speaker 1: the right love, choosing the love that gives us everything

985
00:55:59,560 --> 00:56:08,239
Speaker 1: that we do, is of the utmost importance, and it's

986
00:56:08,280 --> 00:56:10,799
Speaker 1: truly one of the only choices you get in this life.

987
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:12,960
Speaker 1: There's a lot of things we truly don't get to decide.

988
00:56:13,080 --> 00:56:15,120
Speaker 1: We don't get to decide when we come into the world.

989
00:56:15,160 --> 00:56:18,200
Speaker 1: We don't get to choose where we're born, or how

990
00:56:18,239 --> 00:56:20,319
Speaker 1: it all happens, or what school we go to. None

991
00:56:20,360 --> 00:56:25,719
Speaker 1: of that's really our choice, right. Heck, even life demands

992
00:56:26,239 --> 00:56:29,319
Speaker 1: different things of us. So really a lot of circumstances

993
00:56:29,320 --> 00:56:33,040
Speaker 1: in life are not truly chosen. But the one thing

994
00:56:33,120 --> 00:56:35,600
Speaker 1: you do get to choose is your partner. Is the

995
00:56:35,640 --> 00:56:37,680
Speaker 1: person that you're going to choose to spend the rest

996
00:56:37,719 --> 00:56:42,360
Speaker 1: of your life with. And why wouldn't you choose someone

997
00:56:42,360 --> 00:56:47,600
Speaker 1: who makes you feel like when you're on a titanic

998
00:56:47,840 --> 00:56:50,560
Speaker 1: and your arms are wide open and you're screaming, I'm

999
00:56:50,600 --> 00:56:53,239
Speaker 1: on the top of the world. Why would you not

1000
00:56:53,320 --> 00:56:55,880
Speaker 1: want that? That's what love's supposed to be. That's what

1001
00:56:55,880 --> 00:56:59,319
Speaker 1: it's supposed to feel like. And if you're listening to

1002
00:56:59,360 --> 00:57:02,120
Speaker 1: this and if you're in anything other than that, help

1003
00:57:02,160 --> 00:57:05,720
Speaker 1: you do something about it. Maybe start having uncomfortable conversations,

1004
00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:11,640
Speaker 1: maybe you leave a relationship, maybe you start seeing the

1005
00:57:11,760 --> 00:57:17,280
Speaker 1: value that you bring to this life. I love the

1006
00:57:17,400 --> 00:57:22,320
Speaker 1: quote there are so many mediocre things in life. Love

1007
00:57:22,320 --> 00:57:25,800
Speaker 1: should not be one of them. I am a huge

1008
00:57:25,800 --> 00:57:27,800
Speaker 1: believer in that. I'm a huge believer in love, and

1009
00:57:27,800 --> 00:57:31,320
Speaker 1: I'm a huge believer that love exists all around us

1010
00:57:31,360 --> 00:57:34,080
Speaker 1: all the time, and that's why I did this episode.

1011
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:37,120
Speaker 1: And I hope you guys enjoyed it. I hope you

1012
00:57:37,400 --> 00:57:39,960
Speaker 1: got something from it. Maybe you're like, well, this is

1013
00:57:40,000 --> 00:57:42,840
Speaker 1: a crazy person. I don't know, but I do enjoy

1014
00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:45,240
Speaker 1: talking to you, guys. I enjoy talking to a camera.

1015
00:57:45,320 --> 00:57:49,280
Speaker 1: And hope that one of these moments can help you

1016
00:57:49,480 --> 00:57:52,600
Speaker 1: on a trajectory to change your life, because at the

1017
00:57:52,680 --> 00:57:54,960
Speaker 1: end of the day, that's all that matters. That's all

1018
00:57:55,000 --> 00:57:58,520
Speaker 1: we got. We got ourselves, and I got you, you

1019
00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:01,040
Speaker 1: got me, we got each other. I think that should

1020
00:58:01,040 --> 00:58:02,960
Speaker 1: be a song. Kind of is a song. It's like

1021
00:58:02,960 --> 00:58:05,400
Speaker 1: the Barney song. It's all on my mind right now.

1022
00:58:05,560 --> 00:58:08,240
Speaker 1: But thank you guys for being here, Thanks for listening,

1023
00:58:08,360 --> 00:58:13,200
Speaker 1: enjoying this episode. Go with love, Go enjoy the world,

1024
00:58:13,360 --> 00:58:18,520
Speaker 1: be present, be open minded. If you're dating, there's hope

1025
00:58:18,680 --> 00:58:20,640
Speaker 1: there is the person out there that you're looking for.

1026
00:58:20,680 --> 00:58:24,480
Speaker 1: If you're in a marriage, keep fighting for that marriage

1027
00:58:24,560 --> 00:58:27,160
Speaker 1: if you love it so much, and find ways to

1028
00:58:27,200 --> 00:58:30,640
Speaker 1: make that marriage even better. And if it's a friendship

1029
00:58:30,680 --> 00:58:33,160
Speaker 1: you're after, then be a friend to have a friend.

1030
00:58:33,280 --> 00:58:38,160
Speaker 1: And if it's family, I hope you find the love

1031
00:58:38,160 --> 00:58:41,560
Speaker 1: within the family that you're looking for, and that is

1032
00:58:41,600 --> 00:58:45,880
Speaker 1: where I leave you. I love you all. Happy Valentine's Day.