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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host. I'm glad you're here. Quick reminder

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Speaker 1: before we get started that although I'm a therapist all

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Speaker 1: those podcast it's called You Need Therapy, and although I'm

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Speaker 1: answering some questions that you guys have sent to me

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Speaker 1: via the Internet, this podcast does not serve as a

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Speaker 1: replacement or substitute for any mental health services, including therapy.

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Speaker 1: Although it's still a lot of help you and it's

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Speaker 1: still a lot to be part of your process. So

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Speaker 1: if you're new to Couch Talks, it is the special

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Speaker 1: bonus episode that comes out every single Wednesday where I

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Speaker 1: answer questions that you guys send to me. You can

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Speaker 1: send those two Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com,

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Speaker 1: and who knows, you might send an email the next week.

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Speaker 1: I might answer your question pretty cool or talk about

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Speaker 1: your question. We like to leave things kind of out

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Speaker 1: in the open. Here. Now it is Monday night and

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Speaker 1: you're listening to this on Wednesday, so this was two

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Speaker 1: nights ago. It's pretty late, but I am getting ready

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Speaker 1: for a trip that I'm going on. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: California to visit a couple of treatment centers to get

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Speaker 1: a better idea of what they do out there, so

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Speaker 1: when I have clients, I can better refer people. It's

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Speaker 1: always nice to be able to say like, I've been there,

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Speaker 1: I talked to the therapist, I talked to the director.

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Speaker 1: I understand their food philosophy. So I'm going out there

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Speaker 1: with a couple other therapists to see those meet some people,

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Speaker 1: do some networking things, and then on Friday night, I

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Speaker 1: fly from l A to Which Talk, Kansas because the

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Speaker 1: Four Things a live show is this Saturday, November five.

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Speaker 1: And if you are like, wait a second, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: I have been trying to decide if I want to go,

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Speaker 1: and all the sudden, now I want to go, Well,

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Speaker 1: now is the time. Hopefully there are still tickets left.

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Speaker 1: You can go on to select a seat. Slash Amy

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Speaker 1: to find a ticket for you, and you can come

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Speaker 1: me Amy, you can meet me. It's gonna be a

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Speaker 1: really good night, and I'm excited about what's to come

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Speaker 1: of it. You know, you can plan, plan, plan, plan

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Speaker 1: and plan these kinds of things, but also you never

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Speaker 1: really know what's going to come up and what's going

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Speaker 1: to happen because we are having real conversations. So I'm excited.

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Speaker 1: If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you

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Speaker 1: might not be a listener of the four Things podcast.

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Speaker 1: And if you're not, you might want to be a

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Speaker 1: listener of the four Things podcast. It is a podcast

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Speaker 1: hosted by my friend Amy. We're on the Amy Bround Network,

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Speaker 1: so we're on her network and she has a episode

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Speaker 1: that comes out every Thursday that she hosts, and then

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Speaker 1: on Tuesday's I co host with her the Fifth Thing,

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Speaker 1: and we talked about all sorts of things. But we're

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Speaker 1: doing a live show. Well Amy is doing the live show.

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Speaker 1: I'm just a part. Get to be a part of it.

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Speaker 1: And that's this Saturday. So I'm gonna be in Whichita, Kansas.

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Speaker 1: I'm going literally all over the country. So that's a

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Speaker 1: long winded way for me to say. I am recording

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Speaker 1: this late at night so I can then go on

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Speaker 1: my trips and be present there and I'm very excited.

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Speaker 1: I actually am going to record an episode with a

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Speaker 1: therapist that I'm gonna be on this trip with, so

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Speaker 1: look out for that. So I was thinking about what

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Speaker 1: I want to talk about, and I had some questions.

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Speaker 1: I had the one from last week that I most did,

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Speaker 1: but then I was like, wait a second, we are

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Speaker 1: it's literally November now, Well, today is Halloween, but tomorrow

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Speaker 1: is November. So by the time you listen to this,

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Speaker 1: it's November. And when we start to feel the November

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Speaker 1: in the air, we start to think about Thanksgi, we

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Speaker 1: start to think about Christmas. We'd start to think about Hanka,

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Speaker 1: all of the holidays and all the things and all

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Speaker 1: the family gatherings that happen in the wintertime. And with

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Speaker 1: those things, foods involved, so a lot of stuff comes

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Speaker 1: with that, and then also family. A lot of things

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Speaker 1: come with family, because some people love their family, and

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Speaker 1: some people love spending time with their families. Some people

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Speaker 1: love their family and have a hard time spending time

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Speaker 1: with their family, and some people don't like their family

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Speaker 1: and feel like they are obligated to spend time with

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Speaker 1: their family. Or maybe it's in laws that and that's

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Speaker 1: a new thing, and so anyway, I just thought it

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Speaker 1: would be nice to get the ball around rolling early

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Speaker 1: and get some questions from y'all about this time of

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Speaker 1: year and then start to answer them, and this can

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Speaker 1: continue on as we move into the different parts of

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Speaker 1: the holiday season. Also, if you have already put your

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Speaker 1: Christmas tree up, I am for that. I will be

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Speaker 1: doing that hopefully this Sunday when I get back from Kansas.

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Speaker 1: I have been waiting to put my Christmas tree up

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Speaker 1: since I took it down. I am obsessed with decoration

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Speaker 1: for Christmas. And I'm kind of sad because I used

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Speaker 1: to live on like a street that people would actually

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Speaker 1: drive by, and I had like a cute little like

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Speaker 1: it was an older house and so I would put

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Speaker 1: lights up in kind of the borders of the house

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Speaker 1: and it would look like a little gingerbread house. But

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Speaker 1: now my house is an a and literally nobody passes

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Speaker 1: me like nobody sees my house ever. So I'm like,

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Speaker 1: how they want to spend all that time putting Christmas

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Speaker 1: lights up? Because what's the point? So I'm gonna like

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Speaker 1: really go all the way on the inside of the house.

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Speaker 1: I'm so excited to decorate my tree. And I also

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Speaker 1: was thinking I have a very pink Christmas vibe, Like

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Speaker 1: the Christmas secreations that I have are very girly. So

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Speaker 1: I'm interested to see what my boyfriend is going to

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Speaker 1: think when I start putting up like pink, sparkly Christmas

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Speaker 1: decor everywhere we shall see. Anyway, I'm saying that because,

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Speaker 1: you know, I just feel like a lot of people

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Speaker 1: get some slack for wanting to decorate an October for Christmas,

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Speaker 1: and I think it's a great idea. But anyway, that's

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Speaker 1: not what we're going to talk about today. Today, I'm

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Speaker 1: going to read a couple of questions. Some of them

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Speaker 1: um I can kind of weave together, and we're just

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Speaker 1: gonna get started on talking about some of the stuff

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Speaker 1: that's hard during the holidays. So let's jump into the first.

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Speaker 1: It's like three ish questions. Maybe hopefully we get to

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Speaker 1: all of them. I might going to tangent and maybe

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Speaker 1: we get to too, but we're gonna try to get

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Speaker 1: to three. So let's jump into the first one, and

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Speaker 1: it is how do you create your own traditions slash?

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Speaker 1: How do you try not to feel crappy about being

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Speaker 1: single during the holidays. I've talked about this before, and

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Speaker 1: I think there's something about people who are not in

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Speaker 1: this position giving feedback and advice that kind of like

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Speaker 1: used to really irk me and still does irk me. Right.

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Speaker 1: You know, if somebody is married and they've been married

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Speaker 1: for fifteen years, and they got married when they're twenty three,

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Speaker 1: and they're trying to encourage somebody and how to sit

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Speaker 1: in the weirdness of loving holidays and also being bombarded

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Speaker 1: with the reminders that you don't have something that you

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Speaker 1: really want. It can come off just not right. Um

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Speaker 1: a lack of a better way to say it from

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Speaker 1: people who have not been that spot, although I do

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Speaker 1: think that they might have some feedback that could be helpful,

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Speaker 1: it misses the mark a lot. And so I want

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Speaker 1: to start this off of saying my literal whole life,

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Speaker 1: I've never until this year, I will have never had

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Speaker 1: had an actual relationship during the holiday season. I might

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Speaker 1: have started dating somebody right before a couple of times,

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Speaker 1: but I've never been looking forward, like been staring at

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Speaker 1: a holiday season coming up, and been in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: So it's a new thing for me. So I can

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Speaker 1: say I have a lot of experience with how to

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Speaker 1: hold this space and how to create some cool moments.

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Speaker 1: And I say that because if you're a new listener

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Speaker 1: and you just heard me say something about my boyfriend,

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Speaker 1: you might be like, who are you to say that?

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Speaker 1: And like I get that I totally get that when

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Speaker 1: it comes to your actual therapist, you sometimes don't know

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Speaker 1: if they're in a relationship or not. And it's a

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Speaker 1: very unbiased thing. And you know, sometimes on this podcast,

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Speaker 1: I share about myself, so it's not you You can

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Speaker 1: pick up on some of my biases, so or biases.

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Speaker 1: I don't know which one that is, but biases. I

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Speaker 1: think that's right anyway. So I want to talk about

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Speaker 1: things that like I have done in ways that I

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Speaker 1: have cooked with this in the past, because it is

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Speaker 1: a really hard space to be in. And I am

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Speaker 1: somebody who loves the holidays. I love Christmas, my birthdays

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Speaker 1: in December. I used to really love Thanksgiving, and I

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Speaker 1: just always looked forward to that part of year. And

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Speaker 1: as I got older, it was every year another reminder

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Speaker 1: that I didn't have this thing that I wanted, and

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Speaker 1: other people around me kept finding this thing that I

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Speaker 1: wanted in that thing being a relationship or starting a

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Speaker 1: family of my own and and all of that. And

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Speaker 1: something I want to start with is something that I

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Speaker 1: took from an interview I did early on when I

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Speaker 1: started this podcast, and I was talking with somebody about

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Speaker 1: the way they were coping and dealing with the fact

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Speaker 1: that they were single and they really were longing for

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Speaker 1: a relationship, and he said, you know, at a certain

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Speaker 1: point in my life, I realized that life can be really,

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Speaker 1: really good without this great love. And a lot of

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Speaker 1: that has to do with my decision, my actual decision

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Speaker 1: to adopt that idea as part of my belief system

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Speaker 1: or not, and adopting that idea has really been helpful.

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Speaker 1: And it wasn't in those exact words, but that was

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Speaker 1: kind of the gist of what he was saying, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, Oh my gosh, that's so freaking good

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Speaker 1: and it's so simple, right, we put so much emphasis

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Speaker 1: and I think it's part of our culture, right, Like

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Speaker 1: every Christmas movie is about this, like cheesy love story.

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Speaker 1: Like everything is about a love story, like books and

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Speaker 1: this and that, and like what makes a lot of

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Speaker 1: these stories interesting is the love story. So it's really

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Speaker 1: easy to just fall into that. What makes life good

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Speaker 1: and interesting is a love story. And we can have

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Speaker 1: love stories around different things. We can have love stories

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Speaker 1: around our relationship with ourselves, we can have love stories

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Speaker 1: around our fami only in what that means to us.

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Speaker 1: We can have love stories around different parts of life

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Speaker 1: that we want to dive into, whether that's our careers

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Speaker 1: or interests of ours, or travel or experiences like those

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Speaker 1: can all be our own love stories. They don't have

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Speaker 1: to be romantic to be really good and valid and

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Speaker 1: like soul giving. And so something that I really tried

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Speaker 1: to stick with throughout my life in the holidays is that, like,

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Speaker 1: the holidays can be really good regardless of having that

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Speaker 1: romantic love story, because there's other stories woven into that season.

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Speaker 1: In the season, it's our choice and it's our responsibility

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Speaker 1: to choose to adopt those stories or focus on the

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Speaker 1: one that we don't have. And I say that knowing

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Speaker 1: that it's also fair to hold that spot that is

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Speaker 1: feeling a little pain, that is feeling this deep longing,

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Speaker 1: that is feeling this deep sadness that we haven't found

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Speaker 1: this thing or develop this thing or experience this thing

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Speaker 1: that we also want over here. So how I want

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Speaker 1: to encourage anybody who is really in that space that

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Speaker 1: like another holiday season and I'm by myself and I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna have to watch all these movies and watch all

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Speaker 1: these couples and do all this stuff, and I don't

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Speaker 1: get this thing, and it just turns everything to crap

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Speaker 1: is holding that truth that I don't have this thing

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Speaker 1: that I that I deeply, deeply long for, I don't

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Speaker 1: have it yet. And look at all these things over

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Speaker 1: here that I have the opportunity to put energy into,

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Speaker 1: to develop, to create, to hold, to savor, and I

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Speaker 1: get to choose if I'm going to savor the thing

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Speaker 1: I have, even if it doesn't amount to the thing

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Speaker 1: that you don't have. It doesn't have to be even equal.

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Speaker 1: But I can choose to savor that that small part

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Speaker 1: that I do have, or I can savor the deep hole.

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Speaker 1: And I believe that we can hold space for that

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Speaker 1: whole right because we need to hold faith for that whole,

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Speaker 1: because that's something that we wanted. Eventually, we want something

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Speaker 1: to come in and sit in that hole and fill

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Speaker 1: that hole. But I can choose to hold space for

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Speaker 1: that whole and not savor that whole, and I can

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Speaker 1: savor the thing that I do have. Not easy, and

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Speaker 1: it doesn't feel good all the time, but it is

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Speaker 1: something that can be done. And the holidays don't have

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Speaker 1: to be horrible just because you don't have the Hallmark

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Speaker 1: love story or any love story. Rather, there's a lot

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Speaker 1: of fun stuff to do around the holidays, and I mean, yeah,

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Speaker 1: we can romanticize the idea of doing it with a partner,

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Speaker 1: but we can also romanticize the idea of doing it

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Speaker 1: with our friends, or our parents, or maybe our nieces

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Speaker 1: and nephews or ourselves for that matter, which brings me

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Speaker 1: to last Christmas. Oh gosh, So I got exposed to COVID,

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Speaker 1: so I had to wait the day that I needed

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Speaker 1: to test for COVID, like I had to wait the

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Speaker 1: period was Christmas morning, So I didn't get to spend

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Speaker 1: Christmas Eve with anybody but mainly my family, who was

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Speaker 1: playing on spending it with. And I could have been

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Speaker 1: super sour and I could have been choosing to savor

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Speaker 1: what I'm missing out on, but I got this really

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Speaker 1: cool experience where for the first time in my life

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Speaker 1: I spent Christmas Eve by myself, and while I did

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Speaker 1: not choose that, I actually created an experience that I

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Speaker 1: would choose again. I got Christmas pajamas, I put on

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Speaker 1: my favorite Christmas movie, and I did a Christmas puzzle

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Speaker 1: which was a beautiful puzzle. I forgot where I got it,

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Speaker 1: but it was like in the shape of a snow globe,

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Speaker 1: and I had like really pretty gold writing. It was

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Speaker 1: so cute. But I finished that puzzle in a day,

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Speaker 1: you better believe it. And I had soup and I

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Speaker 1: made my favorite tea, which is peppermint tea. And if

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Speaker 1: you do not like it, you were missing out. My

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Speaker 1: family calls it gum ty because they say it's like

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Speaker 1: drinking gum, but it's so good and it's very Christmas

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Speaker 1: to me. But I create this experience that was really

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Speaker 1: really nice, and I chose to savor that what I

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Speaker 1: was doing, versus sit there and savor the fact that

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Speaker 1: I didn't get to be with the other people in

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Speaker 1: my life. So that's just a really simple example where

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Speaker 1: we can take things that we wouldn't choose and we

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Speaker 1: can still make something good of them. I still got

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Speaker 1: to be sad, They still got to hold that sadness

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Speaker 1: that I wasn't with my family, right, because nobody's ever

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Speaker 1: going to fill my family hole. A puzzle is not

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Speaker 1: going to fill my family a hole. But a puzzle

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Speaker 1: can fill a different hole. A puzzle can create a

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Speaker 1: different experience. And just because it's different, it doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: it has to be bad. It doesn't have to feel

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Speaker 1: like a Constellation prize. It doesn't have to feel any

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Speaker 1: of that. It can be good on its own, knowing

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Speaker 1: that there's something else missing. I told you guys that

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Speaker 1: we were going to get to three questions, and that

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Speaker 1: was a very long winded first answer, so hopefully I

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Speaker 1: can do the next one a little quicker. So I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna wrap that one up. I hope that was helpful.

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Speaker 1: If you have more questions about it, I'd love to

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Speaker 1: hear them. This is something obviously I could go on

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Speaker 1: and on. It's something that I feel really passionate about

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Speaker 1: because I feel like it's something that is talked about

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Speaker 1: in weird ways or is ignored, and I think the

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Speaker 1: perpetual there's one way to live a good life is

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Speaker 1: continuing to be very harmful to a lot of people,

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Speaker 1: especially because I don't know how old anybody is that's

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Speaker 1: listening to this, and I don't know how old the

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Speaker 1: person is that wrote that question, but it sent the

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Speaker 1: message that like, you are missing out if you don't

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Speaker 1: have a romantic experience or love or person in your

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Speaker 1: twenties or your early thirties or whatever age you are.

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Speaker 1: When I look back on my entire twenties and I

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Speaker 1: had a great time, like obviously, yes, we all have

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Speaker 1: sad times and dark times in our life. But just

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Speaker 1: because I didn't have that that you find the boyfriend,

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Speaker 1: you get married, you build the house, does not mean

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Speaker 1: that I did not have a good life. And that's

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Speaker 1: something that I don't think is talked about and explored

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Speaker 1: and shared as much. Which I'm getting into that one

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Speaker 1: episode I did about like single um adults are not

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Speaker 1: second class citizens. So if you haven't listened to that

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Speaker 1: when you're resonating with any of this, go listen to

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Speaker 1: the episode. I got to move on to the next question,

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Speaker 1: so I hope that was helpful. If you have more

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Speaker 1: detailed questions about that, let me know. So question number two,

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Speaker 1: how do I deal with guilt trips in an adult way?

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Speaker 1: And I have I don't exactly know what this person

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Speaker 1: meant by this question, so I'm going to just assume

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Speaker 1: it means how do I cope with like the guilt

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Speaker 1: trips that maybe adults try to force on me during

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Speaker 1: the holidays when I choose to do things that don't

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Speaker 1: align with their plans. Because as a kid, you have

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Speaker 1: your things or do your things, your family does their things,

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Speaker 1: and as your adults, you create your own experiences, maybe

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Speaker 1: you create your own tradition, or maybe you just realize, hey,

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Speaker 1: I don't have to do what my entire family does

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Speaker 1: every single year, and that might not sit the best

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Speaker 1: with your parents, or your sisters, or your ants or

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Speaker 1: or whoever. And there are a couple of questions that

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Speaker 1: kind of were similar and this, so I'm going to

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Speaker 1: try to talk about all of them at once. Had

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Speaker 1: another person ask, how do I not feel guilt when

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Speaker 1: I don't want to spend time with my family during

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Speaker 1: the holidays? And when is it okay to choose not

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Speaker 1: to spend time with family during the holidays? All kind

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Speaker 1: of the same idea, And I'm going to start with this,

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Speaker 1: and that is, you don't have to accept someone else's

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Speaker 1: feelings as your own. And somebody can try to hand

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Speaker 1: you a guilt trip, and you don't have to say

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Speaker 1: thank you. I'll take that. You can say no, thank you,

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Speaker 1: I'm I'm full, I'm good. And it reminds me of

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Speaker 1: this story where I don't remember the exact details of

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Speaker 1: what happened, but somebody got upset with something that really

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Speaker 1: didn't have much to do with me, and they were

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Speaker 1: texting me about this, and I think it was like

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Speaker 1: somebody I knew had reached out to them for something

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Speaker 1: and they didn't like how the person was acting or

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Speaker 1: talking or whatever. Meanwhile, this person wasn't like a close

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Speaker 1: friend of mine, Like really, I had nothing to do

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Speaker 1: with this. I think this person just needed a space event.

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Speaker 1: But they just went off at me in a very

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Speaker 1: strange way. And my response was, I hear that you're

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Speaker 1: really angry, and I'm gonna let you keep your anger

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Speaker 1: because that's not mine. And I'm feeling like you're trying

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Speaker 1: to send that some of that to me and this

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Speaker 1: has nothing to do with me, So I'll let you

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Speaker 1: keep that anger. And I think that's something that we

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Speaker 1: should be doing more often, whether we vocalize it or not,

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Speaker 1: when people are trying to guilt, trip us, or kind

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Speaker 1: of push any kind of emotion on us, whether that

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Speaker 1: as they want us to feel sad for them, or

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Speaker 1: they want us to um, they want to hurt us,

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Speaker 1: or they want to get under our skin and make

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Speaker 1: us angry. It's I'm gonna let you keep your own

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Speaker 1: feelings and I don't have to take those on. When

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Speaker 1: somebody gets their feelings upset, or when somebody doesn't like

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Speaker 1: something and it depends on the type of experience you're having.

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Speaker 1: But I think it's fair to accept that sometimes choosing

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Speaker 1: what is best for you comes with other people having

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Speaker 1: a key feelings. Right. They can be sad, they can

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Speaker 1: be angry, they can be hurt all the things, and

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Speaker 1: it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Oftentimes, when somebody

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Speaker 1: gets their feelings hurt, we immediately go to I feel bad,

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Speaker 1: I need to apologize, And sometimes a lot of times

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Speaker 1: that might be true. And it's also okay to apologize

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Speaker 1: and say I'm sorry you're feeling sad. But we don't

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Speaker 1: always have to apologize for our decisions and our actions

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Speaker 1: that somebody else feels an emotion about. Just because we

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Speaker 1: did something that somebody else felt something about, it does

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Speaker 1: not mean that we did anything wrong. And so that's

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Speaker 1: something I really want to offer to all of the

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Speaker 1: people who are questioning of like, yeah, how do I

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Speaker 1: handle a guilt trip or how do I know when

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Speaker 1: it's okay to do something with my family without my family?

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Speaker 1: Because if we're waiting for the time where like everybody's

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Speaker 1: gonna be okay with what we choose no matter what

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Speaker 1: it is, that time is never gonna come until the

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Speaker 1: day we die, we're going to be misunderstood, We're going

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Speaker 1: to be judged. People are going to think things that

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Speaker 1: don't align with what's going on in our brain until

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Speaker 1: the day we die. Like I said, we cannot wait

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Speaker 1: until like it's an even playing field and everybody is

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Speaker 1: happy to choose ourselves. We have to find a nice

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Speaker 1: balance in choosing and making wise decisions. There's not always

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Speaker 1: a right and wrong, but there's always a wise decision,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes that comes with us making compromises with what

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Speaker 1: we want to do because we can't do this, This

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Speaker 1: gets pretty convoluted to we can't just go around saying

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Speaker 1: I'm going to choose whatever I want to do. I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna do whatever makes me happy all of the time.

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Speaker 1: Because we as a good human right, we also need

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Speaker 1: to take into consideration the feelings and the thoughts and

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Speaker 1: um the desires of other people. Now, going back to

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Speaker 1: what I said before, it doesn't mean that when we

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Speaker 1: do make that wise decision, if somebody doesn't like it,

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Speaker 1: that we did something wrong. I think a lot of

401
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Speaker 1: decisions that we have trouble making for ourselves when it

402
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Speaker 1: comes to especially this time of year, right holiday season,

403
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Speaker 1: we're talking about how do I know when it's the

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Speaker 1: right time to choose myself during the holidays. How do

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Speaker 1: I know when it's okay not to spend time with

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Speaker 1: my family's How do I not take on guilt for

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Speaker 1: doing what feels right to me during this time of year?

408
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Speaker 1: Or really, this can apply to any time of year.

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Speaker 1: When we can accept that often times more than not,

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Speaker 1: there's not a right and a wrong. There can be

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Speaker 1: a wise decision, but it doesn't mean there's a right

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Speaker 1: and wrong. When we accept that as truth, that's when

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Speaker 1: a lot of this stuff becomes a lot easier. Because

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Speaker 1: if we're waiting for the right time to do something right,

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Speaker 1: or for waiting waiting for the right exact words to

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Speaker 1: say or the right thing to do in every situation,

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Speaker 1: we might be waiting for a really long time, right,

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Speaker 1: Because if I'm waiting for the right time to choose

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Speaker 1: myself during the holidays, I'm waiting for the right time

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Speaker 1: to say, Hey, I don't want to go to that

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Speaker 1: thing anymore because I actually hate doing that. We might

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Speaker 1: be waiting forever because it could be the right time

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Speaker 1: for me, and it might be the wrong time for

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Speaker 1: my mom or my sister or whoever that is going

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Speaker 1: to impact. So we have to handle these kind of

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Speaker 1: decisions with care with I have to care for myself

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Speaker 1: and also care for the people around me in that

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Speaker 1: they are responsible for their feelings, so I can care

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Speaker 1: for them and also not be the person taking care

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Speaker 1: of their feelings. I'm gonna say that again because I

431
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Speaker 1: think that's important. I can care for somebody, I can

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Speaker 1: take somebody into an account when I'm making the decision,

433
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,720
Speaker 1: but I'm not responsible for taking care of their feelings

434
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:03,359
Speaker 1: because i cannot control somebody else's feelings and I'm going

435
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,320
Speaker 1: to no matter who I am, I'm going to have

436
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:10,440
Speaker 1: an impact on somebody based on my decisions in my lifetime.

437
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:15,240
Speaker 1: You can't avoid this where somebody's feelings are less than joyful,

438
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,879
Speaker 1: and so that cannot be my responsibility. Adults have a

439
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:20,920
Speaker 1: lot of tools to take care of their feelings. And also,

440
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:25,960
Speaker 1: somebody being sad that you chose to do one thing

441
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,800
Speaker 1: over the other during the holidays isn't going to kill them.

442
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:32,680
Speaker 1: They might feel sad, yes, and they have the ability

443
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:36,280
Speaker 1: to cope with those with coping skills, and if they

444
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:38,919
Speaker 1: don't have coping skills, they have the ability to go

445
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,520
Speaker 1: out and and find those, which is a whole other

446
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:46,800
Speaker 1: conversation around. You know, this idea that we have to

447
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:50,199
Speaker 1: kind of like minister to other people's feelings all the

448
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:53,600
Speaker 1: time when you know, the world is full of triggers

449
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,399
Speaker 1: and the world world is full of things that hurt us,

450
00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,399
Speaker 1: scare us and make as sad, and it's not the

451
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,800
Speaker 1: world's job to make sure they don't hurt our feelings.

452
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:07,840
Speaker 1: It doesn't hurt our feelings or get our feathers rustled up.

453
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:11,760
Speaker 1: You know, it's our job to notice when we're feeling

454
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,879
Speaker 1: something and learn how to care for ourselves in that

455
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:19,119
Speaker 1: way and ask for the things that we need. So

456
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:24,240
Speaker 1: I hope that answered those questions. And really the short

457
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:27,440
Speaker 1: answer is there's not a right time. Right one is

458
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,240
Speaker 1: the right time to choose to spend time with myself

459
00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:32,680
Speaker 1: versus family? When is the right time to um say

460
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:34,480
Speaker 1: I don't want to do that anymore? How do I

461
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:37,840
Speaker 1: deal with somebody's guilt trip in an adult way? You

462
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:41,240
Speaker 1: don't accept their guilt. You say you can keep that,

463
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:43,240
Speaker 1: you can take care of your feelings, And it doesn't

464
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:44,639
Speaker 1: have to sound that harsh either. You don't have to

465
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:47,159
Speaker 1: say like you can keep that, like go deal with it. Yourself.

466
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:50,760
Speaker 1: You can say things like, hey, I hear that you're disappointed,

467
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:54,600
Speaker 1: and I totally understand how you could feel that way

468
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,280
Speaker 1: and how you do feel that way. And at the

469
00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,280
Speaker 1: same time, I have to choose this for myself. This here.

470
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,080
Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be like deal with it. You

471
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,159
Speaker 1: can say I love you, You can say all of

472
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,840
Speaker 1: the kind things while you choose yourself. Choosing yourself doesn't

473
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:11,280
Speaker 1: have to be a mean thing. It's not a mean thing.

474
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:14,920
Speaker 1: It's actually a really kind, lovely thing. So I hope

475
00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:17,600
Speaker 1: that was helpful and I hope to see some of

476
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:21,000
Speaker 1: you guys on Saturday. If you're coming, let me know, UM,

477
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:23,240
Speaker 1: give me a heads up, so and I know who

478
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,280
Speaker 1: to look out for. You know who's listening to the

479
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:28,840
Speaker 1: Couch Talks episodes when they come out, and guys get

480
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:32,600
Speaker 1: excited because Monday we have an episode that's coming out

481
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:33,920
Speaker 1: and it was so good we just split it into

482
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:37,480
Speaker 1: two parts, and if you follow you Need Therapy podcast

483
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:39,880
Speaker 1: on Instagram, you might have an idea of who it is.

484
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:41,600
Speaker 1: It is going to be such a good episode. We

485
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,320
Speaker 1: talked about so many good things, a lot of good

486
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:49,080
Speaker 1: perspectives about relationships and love and masculinity, and all the things,

487
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:51,439
Speaker 1: so get excited for that episode. If you have not

488
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:54,399
Speaker 1: subscribed to this podcast yet, please do that. If you

489
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:56,800
Speaker 1: have not rated it, please do that. You need five

490
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,639
Speaker 1: stars that would be amazing. And if you have more

491
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:02,320
Speaker 1: questions it's like I said, around these kind of topics

492
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:05,320
Speaker 1: or anything, send them to Catherine at you Need Therapy

493
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:08,720
Speaker 1: Podcast dot com. Um. You can follow me on Instagram

494
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,680
Speaker 1: at at cat dot de fatah and at you Need

495
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:16,399
Speaker 1: Therapy Podcast. And I will see you guys maybe Saturday,

496
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:19,600
Speaker 1: and I will talk to you guys again on Monday.

497
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:21,560
Speaker 1: I hope you have the week you need to have,

498
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,919
Speaker 1: the day you need to have, the holiday season you

499
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:34,440
Speaker 1: need to have. I will talk to you later. Bye,