1 00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:04,560 Speaker 1: This is Let's Be Clear with Shannon Dorny. 2 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:11,399 Speaker 2: Hi everybody, I'm China Phillips and welcome to Let's Be Clear. 3 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:15,840 Speaker 2: I am absolutely honored to be here today. I had 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,960 Speaker 2: the beautiful privilege of meeting Shannon. 5 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,840 Speaker 1: Just a couple of months before she. 6 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:28,800 Speaker 2: Passed, and I just was so moved by how down 7 00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:35,200 Speaker 2: to earth and how intelligent and how kind and just how. 8 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,279 Speaker 1: Real she was. It was just so lovely too. 9 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:42,760 Speaker 2: I mean, I used to watch Little House on the 10 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:46,760 Speaker 2: Prairie and I just always thought she was so pretty, 11 00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:50,760 Speaker 2: and to watch and follow her career and now to 12 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:54,520 Speaker 2: have this opportunity to be on Let's Be Clear is 13 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:58,320 Speaker 2: very overwhelming for me, and I'm super excited about it. 14 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:01,600 Speaker 2: And I just want to say thank you for everyone 15 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:03,360 Speaker 2: who reached out to me. And I think it's so 16 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:09,240 Speaker 2: beautiful that this podcast has continued despite the fact that 17 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:12,040 Speaker 2: we don't have her beautiful spirit and soul with us 18 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:19,080 Speaker 2: here in this world. But I am here today to 19 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:23,800 Speaker 2: just talk about life in general, and to talk about 20 00:01:24,319 --> 00:01:31,000 Speaker 2: the peaks and the valleys of marriage, of career, and 21 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:33,440 Speaker 2: most of all for me of my faith. 22 00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:35,400 Speaker 1: I am. 23 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:40,559 Speaker 2: A woman of faith and I share that. 24 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:42,639 Speaker 1: On my YouTube channel. 25 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:47,000 Speaker 2: California preaching, which has been a labor of love. And 26 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:51,120 Speaker 2: I am very explicit about my walk with God. And 27 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:54,920 Speaker 2: it's actually really funny because I don't know. I run 28 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,120 Speaker 2: a very tight shipwreck. So let's be clear about that. 29 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,960 Speaker 1: My life is not perfect in any way, shape or form, 30 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:02,960 Speaker 1: nor is my faith. 31 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:07,360 Speaker 2: And so I really do like to talk about my 32 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:12,320 Speaker 2: ups and downs and my what I wrestle with, and. 33 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,520 Speaker 1: I'm excited to share it with you. So let's dive in. 34 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:22,040 Speaker 2: I am married to the actor William Baldwin, and we 35 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:25,120 Speaker 2: have been married for twenty nine years. 36 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,000 Speaker 1: I think that's right. I could be wrong. 37 00:02:28,919 --> 00:02:32,160 Speaker 2: I'm pretty certain that we will be celebrating our thirtieth 38 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:37,120 Speaker 2: wedding anniversary next year September ninth. I met Billy when 39 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 2: I was twenty three years old, so I was a 40 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:47,160 Speaker 2: child bride and we married in ninety five and it 41 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:52,080 Speaker 2: was a super romantical sort. 42 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:55,240 Speaker 1: Of he swept me off my feet sort of thing. 43 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:59,600 Speaker 2: And you know, I'd had a couple of toads in 44 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:03,920 Speaker 2: my life, and so when I met Billy, I was 45 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:10,840 Speaker 2: just really taken by his integrity, and I was taken 46 00:03:10,919 --> 00:03:15,040 Speaker 2: by his extreme intelligence. He's a political science he was 47 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:20,600 Speaker 2: a political science major and just a very committed philanth 48 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,000 Speaker 2: philanthropist I can't speak today philanthropist. 49 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:25,680 Speaker 1: And. 50 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:33,600 Speaker 2: Just very professional in his work and very open with 51 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:37,560 Speaker 2: me about his heart. 52 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,000 Speaker 1: He wasn't afraid to reveal. 53 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:46,560 Speaker 2: His own personal struggles and also to really be very 54 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:50,720 Speaker 2: vocal about how much he cared for me, which was 55 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,480 Speaker 2: something that was foreign to me to be in a 56 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:59,520 Speaker 2: relationship with somebody that was so able to articulate their 57 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:04,880 Speaker 2: feelings for me and then to back it up with action, not. 58 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:05,880 Speaker 1: Just lip service. 59 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,280 Speaker 2: And so that was very powerful for me because my 60 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:13,240 Speaker 2: relationship with my father was very strained. My dad is 61 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:17,719 Speaker 2: a notorious drug addict, John Phillips of the Mamas and 62 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:22,359 Speaker 2: the Papas. My mother is Michelle Phillips of the Mamas 63 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:26,840 Speaker 2: and Papa's. They were married for seven years before they divorced. 64 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:33,599 Speaker 2: They divorced when I was two, and my mom pretty 65 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,640 Speaker 2: much had full custody of me and I very rarely 66 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:37,520 Speaker 2: got to see my father. 67 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:41,040 Speaker 1: And well, when I did see my father, it was. 68 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,800 Speaker 2: Always like super over the top, like he would take 69 00:04:43,839 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 2: me to Disney World, or he would take me, you know, 70 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:52,760 Speaker 2: to just on these extravagant vacations and stuff. But then 71 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:56,720 Speaker 2: that all stopped and it became very dark, and when 72 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 2: I would visit him, I would see things that no 73 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:03,920 Speaker 2: child should ever see, needles, blood, you name it, him 74 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:07,200 Speaker 2: having you know, a stroke in front of me, odeane. 75 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 1: It was a frightmare. And so. 76 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:15,039 Speaker 2: Just I'm regressing a little bit, but to get back 77 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:21,840 Speaker 2: to Billy, clearly for me to find this human that 78 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:25,960 Speaker 2: was really stable, and I mean his father was his 79 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,920 Speaker 2: cub Scout leader and he. 80 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,680 Speaker 1: Lived in the same home. He was brought to the 81 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,919 Speaker 1: house as an infant and you know, left to go 82 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,039 Speaker 1: to college, and it was the same home for me. 83 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,679 Speaker 2: I think I lived in twelve to fourteen different houses 84 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:43,200 Speaker 2: growing up. I went to twelve different schools, just a 85 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:49,320 Speaker 2: whole lot of instability. And so there was this stability 86 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:53,600 Speaker 2: factor that Billy brought into my life. And he was 87 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,719 Speaker 2: kind of like that night in Shining Armor that came 88 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:59,679 Speaker 2: in and sort of saved me. And at that time, 89 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,479 Speaker 2: I kind of fun, being honest, did need saving. But 90 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:08,720 Speaker 2: as our relationship grew grew and matured, I realized that. 91 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,200 Speaker 1: Our marriage was. 92 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,919 Speaker 2: Sort of like the old way that we used to 93 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:19,880 Speaker 2: operate wasn't really working for me anymore. And this was 94 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:25,520 Speaker 2: twenty years, and I'm skipping forward. We have three beautiful children, Jamison, 95 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:32,320 Speaker 2: Vance and Brooks, and we really had some really glorious 96 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:36,200 Speaker 2: years together raising the kids. But then kind of reality 97 00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:41,040 Speaker 2: set in when we became empty nesters, and it was 98 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:45,480 Speaker 2: sort of we didn't have the distractions of being parents, 99 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,320 Speaker 2: and so it was just sort of like all Billy 100 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:53,000 Speaker 2: all the time, all China all the time. And I 101 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:57,520 Speaker 2: think that it was a stark reality when the kids 102 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:01,039 Speaker 2: left and we realized, oh my goodness, like it's just 103 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,200 Speaker 2: the two of us now, and we needed to pour 104 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:09,360 Speaker 2: into our marriage. And unfortunately, we were sort of running 105 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:18,560 Speaker 2: on fumes and we had neglected our relationship for a while, 106 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:23,840 Speaker 2: and we had done that unintentionally. And I say that 107 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:28,840 Speaker 2: because I really want to help prevent another couple from 108 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:32,320 Speaker 2: having to go through that, because it was incredibly painful, 109 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:37,440 Speaker 2: you know, agonizing at one point when we actually separated 110 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:42,960 Speaker 2: for six months because I didn't I felt lost and 111 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,320 Speaker 2: I felt like I felt very lost at sea, and 112 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:49,440 Speaker 2: I felt like we didn't understand each. 113 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:54,360 Speaker 1: Other anymore the way we had in earlier days. 114 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:59,200 Speaker 2: So we went to therapy and that was helpful, but 115 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 2: it was just sort of like a band aid. It 116 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:06,160 Speaker 2: didn't really help us in the way that it does 117 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:09,280 Speaker 2: help others. So I'm not debunking therapy in any way. 118 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:13,920 Speaker 2: I think therapy is fantastic, but I think that you 119 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,560 Speaker 2: have to have the right, you know, fit, and that 120 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:21,000 Speaker 2: particular therapist just wasn't the right fit for us, and 121 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,160 Speaker 2: it kind of ended up backfiring because it brought up 122 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,640 Speaker 2: all of these It unearthed all of these issues that 123 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:30,520 Speaker 2: I don't think we. 124 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:35,040 Speaker 1: Were prepared to confront, and so when. 125 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,880 Speaker 2: The time came that we needed to process some of 126 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 2: these feelings, I think that we didn't even know up 127 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:44,480 Speaker 2: from down. It was like impossible, after all of the 128 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:48,040 Speaker 2: decades we'd been together, to actually sift through all of 129 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,160 Speaker 2: these issues. 130 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,360 Speaker 1: And it just felt very overwhelming. 131 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:56,520 Speaker 2: So what I did realize in our separation was that 132 00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:00,920 Speaker 2: I I think it was almost like losing a limb. 133 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:08,960 Speaker 2: I just felt like I wasn't China. I felt very 134 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 2: I can't explain it. It's almost like I felt broken 135 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:19,080 Speaker 2: and I didn't have my compass and I didn't have 136 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,640 Speaker 2: my true north. And that's when I had the realization 137 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:25,640 Speaker 2: and the epiphany of, oh, my goodness, the reason I 138 00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:28,560 Speaker 2: feel this way is because I don't have Billie in 139 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:33,959 Speaker 2: my life, I'm to cry, but I realized that I 140 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 2: was missing my best friend and that I was missing 141 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:43,120 Speaker 2: the love of my life. And so in some ways, 142 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,840 Speaker 2: I don't regret the fact that we separated. I feel 143 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:49,160 Speaker 2: like that was truly what we needed at that time 144 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:53,200 Speaker 2: in order to understand the gravity of our love and 145 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:58,360 Speaker 2: our commitment to one another. And so thankfully we are 146 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:02,840 Speaker 2: back together again. And I did go through sort of 147 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,199 Speaker 2: a season where I thought, well, maybe we could be 148 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,319 Speaker 2: back together again, but not living and dwelling under the 149 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:14,319 Speaker 2: same roof. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I had 150 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:18,240 Speaker 2: heard about married living apart, and I thought, well, you know, 151 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:20,520 Speaker 2: we do sort of have an allergy toward one another, 152 00:10:20,559 --> 00:10:22,480 Speaker 2: and we do kind of like rub each other the 153 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:25,960 Speaker 2: wrong way sometimes, and we do bicker constantly, so maybe 154 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,040 Speaker 2: it would be maybe it would behoove us to live separately. 155 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,600 Speaker 2: So Billy's so sweet, like he was willing to do 156 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:37,560 Speaker 2: absolutely anything, so he was down for trying the married living. 157 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,920 Speaker 2: A part of that was something that I really felt 158 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:44,440 Speaker 2: I needed and wanted. But that was disastrous and it 159 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:49,040 Speaker 2: didn't really it didn't remedy our issue of bickering and 160 00:10:50,080 --> 00:11:05,360 Speaker 2: being an allergy toward one another. That's where my faith 161 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:09,640 Speaker 2: comes in. I really started praying. I'm a Christian, and 162 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:14,280 Speaker 2: in two thousand and four I had a radical encounter 163 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:23,680 Speaker 2: with the Living Lord Jesus, and I was convicted in 164 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:28,280 Speaker 2: every possible way that he truly is the way, the truth, 165 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:34,720 Speaker 2: and the life. And I decided to live my life 166 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:40,560 Speaker 2: in accordance to His will. And obviously I don't do 167 00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:45,720 Speaker 2: it perfectly at all. Actually it's quite comical. And the 168 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,480 Speaker 2: reason Jesus had to come in the first place was 169 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,680 Speaker 2: because all of us are broken, and all of us 170 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:53,360 Speaker 2: are pretty much on the Titanic. All of us are sinking, 171 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,800 Speaker 2: and all of us need a savior. Now, of course 172 00:11:55,880 --> 00:12:00,959 Speaker 2: this is my personal belief that I, you know, pray 173 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:06,839 Speaker 2: might speak to you. But I had to really draw 174 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:11,080 Speaker 2: on my faith and go to the well of that 175 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:17,680 Speaker 2: living water when I was in that agonizing pain of 176 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,560 Speaker 2: not knowing if my whole marriage and my family was 177 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:27,439 Speaker 2: going to be dismantled. So for me, calling on Jesus 178 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,360 Speaker 2: and really leaving all of my problems at the cross 179 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:41,520 Speaker 2: was incredibly healing, and I feel like Jesus really came 180 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:45,960 Speaker 2: through for me. He was very patient with me and 181 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:48,000 Speaker 2: he let me go down all of my dead ends 182 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,280 Speaker 2: and detours. And you know, God is so loving and 183 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:55,480 Speaker 2: so merciful and so faithful, and he really allows us 184 00:12:55,720 --> 00:13:01,160 Speaker 2: to figure things out because he knows that that's going 185 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:07,240 Speaker 2: to help us evolve and help us grow, and he 186 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,520 Speaker 2: does it all out of love. It is a discipline 187 00:13:11,559 --> 00:13:16,040 Speaker 2: in some sort of way. You could sort of describe 188 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:19,800 Speaker 2: it as a father disciplining his child, but it's the 189 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,280 Speaker 2: most loving type of discipline. You know, you would never 190 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,320 Speaker 2: let your child run into the street, right, so you're 191 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,520 Speaker 2: going to reprimand your child if they start running in 192 00:13:27,559 --> 00:13:28,440 Speaker 2: the middle of the street. 193 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:30,760 Speaker 1: And so it's sort of like that. 194 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:35,000 Speaker 2: Analogy of a father caring for his child enough to 195 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,520 Speaker 2: reprimand them and allow them to fall on their face 196 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:41,840 Speaker 2: from time to time because sometimes they have to touch 197 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,600 Speaker 2: the stove to realize, you know. And I know this 198 00:13:44,679 --> 00:13:50,680 Speaker 2: sounds super cliche, but it is true. So Billy and 199 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:56,480 Speaker 2: I are now in a probably the most beautiful place 200 00:13:56,559 --> 00:14:00,600 Speaker 2: that we have ever been in our marriage, and I'm 201 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:09,719 Speaker 2: incredibly thankful for that. I don't know if I I 202 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,679 Speaker 2: don't know. I feel like Billy has grown and he 203 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:17,920 Speaker 2: has changed so much over the past six to eight months, 204 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,720 Speaker 2: and he would have to tell you that story because 205 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:24,720 Speaker 2: it's not really my story to tell. But I'm incredibly 206 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:27,480 Speaker 2: proud of him for the courage that he's. 207 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:32,800 Speaker 1: Had to dig deep and to do. 208 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:37,720 Speaker 2: The heavy lifting and to really look squarely at himself, 209 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:44,560 Speaker 2: his past, his choices, and of course I've had to 210 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:49,160 Speaker 2: do the same. And that's what it boils down to. 211 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 2: If you can find a partner that's willing to do 212 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:57,720 Speaker 2: the work with you, then you have found a tremendous partnership. 213 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:01,880 Speaker 2: Because when you're doing the heavy lifting and it's all you, 214 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:08,280 Speaker 2: that's not sustainable and you're going to crash and burn 215 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:12,520 Speaker 2: and you're going to be alone at the end of 216 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:17,320 Speaker 2: the day because truly, it takes it takes too you know, 217 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:20,320 Speaker 2: it takes two and to make a. 218 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:20,880 Speaker 1: Thing go right. 219 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:28,840 Speaker 2: But yeah, and I guess that's pretty much where we're 220 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:32,840 Speaker 2: at now. We are, like I would be lying to 221 00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:34,720 Speaker 2: you if I didn't say that, I'm sort of waiting 222 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:38,880 Speaker 2: for the other shoe to drop because we've been we've 223 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:42,360 Speaker 2: been together a long time, and you know, there are 224 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:47,440 Speaker 2: patterns and dances that couples get into, and I'm just 225 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,600 Speaker 2: sort of pinching myself, like could we have really moved 226 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:54,760 Speaker 2: into this new place and our marriage. That is so 227 00:15:54,920 --> 00:16:00,880 Speaker 2: delightful and so exciting. And I actually look forward to 228 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:03,760 Speaker 2: hearing his card drive up the driveway, whereas you know, 229 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,240 Speaker 2: ten years ago, when his car drove up the driveway, 230 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,520 Speaker 2: my stomach would drop and I would sink and I 231 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,280 Speaker 2: would just be like, Oh, no, he's home. 232 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:14,280 Speaker 1: And I remember thinking, that is so pathetic, that is 233 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:17,040 Speaker 1: so sad. Why are you even in this marriage if 234 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:17,840 Speaker 1: you feel that way? 235 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,640 Speaker 2: But I stuck it out because not only do I 236 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:26,160 Speaker 2: love Billy and he's my dearest friend, but also because 237 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,680 Speaker 2: I had a family, and I made a commitment and 238 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:30,840 Speaker 2: I when. 239 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:32,120 Speaker 1: I said my vows, I meant it. 240 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:37,440 Speaker 2: And I feel like when I was threatened with the 241 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:41,080 Speaker 2: reality of losing my family, it literally felt like my 242 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 2: arm was being cut off without anesthesia, it just felt 243 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:47,760 Speaker 2: so painful. I would just writhe on the floor and 244 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:51,040 Speaker 2: I would just weep and sob for hours at a 245 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:57,040 Speaker 2: time because for me, the idea of losing my whole 246 00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:02,200 Speaker 2: family again, since I had already grown up in a 247 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,879 Speaker 2: fractured home, it was just too much for. 248 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:06,280 Speaker 1: Me to bear. 249 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:12,639 Speaker 2: And I wanted to fight tooth and nail to save 250 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:16,639 Speaker 2: my family, and to save my children from the suffering 251 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,760 Speaker 2: that I had to endure without a father and with 252 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:26,680 Speaker 2: so much toxicity and addiction in my world. 253 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:29,920 Speaker 1: And I just love my family. 254 00:17:30,119 --> 00:17:33,359 Speaker 2: I love my family, and you know, not to say 255 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:38,040 Speaker 2: that divorce is not an option, of course, of course, 256 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:46,720 Speaker 2: of course, sometimes relationships just don't work, sometimes marriages just fail. 257 00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:51,760 Speaker 2: But I do believe that sometimes people pull the ripcord. 258 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,320 Speaker 1: A little too soon. 259 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,480 Speaker 2: And that makes me sad because I have a lot 260 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,000 Speaker 2: of friends who. 261 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:02,120 Speaker 1: Have said to me, thank god, you stuck this out. 262 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:06,520 Speaker 1: Thank God. It is the worst to be a single. 263 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:11,280 Speaker 2: Mom, and it's so hard, the dating and going out there. 264 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,919 Speaker 2: It's like I always and my sister would say to me, 265 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,520 Speaker 2: you know what's going to happen, right, You're going to 266 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:19,159 Speaker 2: divorce Billy, and then you're going to go to like 267 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,399 Speaker 2: a school function, and he's going to be sitting in 268 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:25,520 Speaker 2: the front row with Angela, like she's. 269 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:26,000 Speaker 1: Made up a name. 270 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,680 Speaker 2: She's going to be six months pregnant, and she's going 271 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:31,160 Speaker 2: to be twenty five years younger than you. And then 272 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,639 Speaker 2: she's going to take your kids back to her house 273 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,679 Speaker 2: and she's going to read them a bedtime story. 274 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:38,000 Speaker 1: And I was like, stop stop. 275 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:41,280 Speaker 2: It was just all too much for me, and she 276 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:45,520 Speaker 2: kind of laid it out and I realized, Oh, my goodness, like, 277 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:47,880 Speaker 2: I don't think I was seeing. 278 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:50,000 Speaker 1: The macro cosm divorce. 279 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:53,159 Speaker 2: I was seeing the micro cosm of divorce, like, Oh, 280 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,240 Speaker 2: I won't have to deal with him on a daily basis, 281 00:18:55,359 --> 00:18:58,520 Speaker 2: and oh, I'll have my freedom, and oh, I won't 282 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,080 Speaker 2: have to call to anybody, and oh, I won't have 283 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:05,439 Speaker 2: to deal with, you know, feeling depressed and unloved or 284 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,000 Speaker 2: unnoticed or all of this. I won't have to deal 285 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:13,600 Speaker 2: with that anymore. And that is that's legitimate. That's legitimate. 286 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,920 Speaker 1: I can understand why I would feel that way. 287 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:21,879 Speaker 2: But there is a richness to our relationship now that 288 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:26,760 Speaker 2: we wouldn't have had had we not gone through our fire. 289 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:31,640 Speaker 1: And we are on the other side of it now, but. 290 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:38,159 Speaker 2: New issues, you know, are constantly presenting themselves. But the 291 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:42,120 Speaker 2: beautiful thing is that we are choosing each other. We're 292 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:46,800 Speaker 2: choosing to do this. And now I'm able to love 293 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,239 Speaker 2: and appreciate Billy in a way. 294 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:52,840 Speaker 1: That I wasn't able to even just a year ago. 295 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:57,240 Speaker 2: And I feel really thankful to the Lord that he's 296 00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:01,359 Speaker 2: brought us through. And I look forward to the future, 297 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 2: and we really are looking for things that can bring 298 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,600 Speaker 2: us closer because we have not we don't have that 299 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,080 Speaker 2: much in common really, to be honest, my husband and 300 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,399 Speaker 2: I like the thing that we have in common is 301 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:14,600 Speaker 2: that we have nothing in common. 302 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,000 Speaker 1: And that's our joke, but it's true. 303 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:24,280 Speaker 2: And so, you know, we have to be very intentional, like, Okay, 304 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:26,320 Speaker 2: we're going to find a show that we're going to 305 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:29,080 Speaker 2: watch together, or we're going to go for a hike 306 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:33,199 Speaker 2: on Saturday, or we're going to you know, cook a 307 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:37,240 Speaker 2: meal together, We're going to go to a show, we're 308 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:38,439 Speaker 2: going to you. 309 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,120 Speaker 1: Know, go on a little weekend get away. 310 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,439 Speaker 2: We have to be intentional because we're not one of 311 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:46,040 Speaker 2: these couples that just loves to do the same thing. 312 00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:49,040 Speaker 2: And we love to you know, we just we're not 313 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,479 Speaker 2: interested in the same things. 314 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:53,880 Speaker 1: And that's okay, that's all right. We kind of speak two. 315 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:58,080 Speaker 2: Different languages, and I'm starting to learn his language and 316 00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:02,960 Speaker 2: he's starting to learn mine. So yeah, and then there's 317 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,280 Speaker 2: just lots of exciting things going on in our world. 318 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:09,679 Speaker 2: We're looking to partner together in work, and we have 319 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:13,600 Speaker 2: some exciting things on the horizon. So it's just neat 320 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:17,320 Speaker 2: to be in this season of my marriage and to 321 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:21,320 Speaker 2: be able to say that I love him again because 322 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:24,640 Speaker 2: there were there were, you know, times where I questioned 323 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,879 Speaker 2: it and I feel almost guilty and sad saying that. 324 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:31,040 Speaker 1: But let's be clear, there are. 325 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:34,280 Speaker 2: Times in your marriage where you're not going to be 326 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:38,280 Speaker 2: feeling the love and that's just natural and normal. So 327 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:42,360 Speaker 2: don't guilt yourself, don't shame yourself if that's what you're 328 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,080 Speaker 2: walking through right now, because I've been there and I 329 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:49,720 Speaker 2: know what that feels like. So yeah, I am so 330 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:52,479 Speaker 2: thankful to be able to be on this podcast today 331 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:56,159 Speaker 2: and to be able to share my truth and just 332 00:21:56,200 --> 00:22:00,119 Speaker 2: a little snippet of my life. And I pray that 333 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:03,919 Speaker 2: you've identified in some way, shape or form, And I 334 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:06,679 Speaker 2: just thank you for taking the time to listen to 335 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,160 Speaker 2: me today because you're never going to get that time back, 336 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:15,080 Speaker 2: So God bless you, and yeah, Peace of Christ.