1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:06,000 Speaker 1: This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast. 2 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:10,119 Speaker 1: Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema coming to you from the 3 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:13,840 Speaker 1: home office in a very chilly Austin, Texas. I hope 4 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,360 Speaker 1: everybody kind of survived that big winter push that came 5 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:22,439 Speaker 1: across the country. And if you are still very cold, 6 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:24,000 Speaker 1: I think we're gonna heat things up today. 7 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,320 Speaker 2: You know what's great about this topic is we've actually 8 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:29,920 Speaker 2: been talking about this episode and also with the cold here, 9 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 2: and there are a lot of sex puns that have 10 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:37,559 Speaker 2: come out of our conversation, Like our pipes froze then 11 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:40,239 Speaker 2: we were like, oh, the water's dripping now, oh wait, 12 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,600 Speaker 2: we needed to get more wet, so the pipe's there's 13 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:43,080 Speaker 2: a lot. 14 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,840 Speaker 3: Okay, so we're about to get dirty on today's show. Well, 15 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,720 Speaker 3: I mean, but yes, we're talking about sex. We're talking 16 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:52,279 Speaker 3: about sex, hopefully in a very helpful way today with 17 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:54,120 Speaker 3: Vanessa and Xander Morin. 18 00:00:54,800 --> 00:01:00,680 Speaker 1: They are married. Vanessa is a sex therapist, licensed psycho therapist, 19 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:04,520 Speaker 1: twenty years of experience in the sex therapy field. Xander's 20 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:07,280 Speaker 1: just a regular dude who's been married to a sex 21 00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:10,920 Speaker 1: therapist for over a decade. They do not have kids. 22 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 1: A conscious choice. She and Xander do a lot of 23 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:19,720 Speaker 1: social media work together, which I find very interesting. It's 24 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:24,080 Speaker 1: very effective. I love the social media of the doctors 25 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:26,440 Speaker 1: and therapists that we have had on. I think they're 26 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:28,520 Speaker 1: using it in the right way of how to reach 27 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:32,800 Speaker 1: the everyday person and make these digestible notes totally. 28 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,440 Speaker 2: And actually I think they wrote their book together. They 29 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 2: are New York Times best selling authors of the book 30 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:43,839 Speaker 2: Sex Talks, Sex Talks, Sex Talks, which is all about 31 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:47,119 Speaker 2: these five conversations you can start to really help your 32 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,400 Speaker 2: love life. So they wrote that book together. They do 33 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:53,840 Speaker 2: their Instagram and social media together. And yeah, I think 34 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:57,880 Speaker 2: she is, as you said, licensed family therapists, marriage therapist, 35 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:01,320 Speaker 2: sex therapist, but they see to be coworkers just like 36 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,920 Speaker 2: we are. So I think this we're gonna have some 37 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:07,160 Speaker 2: fun today. We're gonna ask them some questions. We have 38 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:10,720 Speaker 2: questions that we have based off some celebrity sex headlines 39 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:13,520 Speaker 2: that have been in the news lately. And also I 40 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,240 Speaker 2: went to Instagram and we got questions from you all. 41 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:19,079 Speaker 2: So we are gonna, I think, put this into two 42 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:23,919 Speaker 2: episodes and get through all things to talk about sex baby. 43 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,000 Speaker 1: And if you want to check them out, you can 44 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:30,160 Speaker 1: go to their Instagram Vanessa and Xander with an ex 45 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:33,040 Speaker 1: Xander and check out their stuff. But we're going to 46 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,840 Speaker 1: dive into it and we are so glad to have 47 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:35,880 Speaker 1: them on the show today. 48 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:39,720 Speaker 2: All right, we are joined now by Vanessa and Xander Marin. 49 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,720 Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, you guys, we have so many questions 50 00:02:42,919 --> 00:02:43,640 Speaker 2: to ask you. 51 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,000 Speaker 4: By the way, some I asked. 52 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,920 Speaker 2: Our audience for questions and got some words in my 53 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:51,640 Speaker 2: DMS that have never been in my dms before, So 54 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:53,320 Speaker 2: it's gonna be good. 55 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:55,680 Speaker 4: First though, we wanted. 56 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 2: To ask you, Vanessa, just to kind of clarify for 57 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:02,440 Speaker 2: everybody in the layman's tern, what does a sex therapist do. 58 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:09,160 Speaker 5: A sex therapist helps you have a healthy and happy 59 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:10,880 Speaker 5: sex life, quite simply. 60 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:11,440 Speaker 6: So. 61 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,360 Speaker 5: I actually started my career in the traditional psychotherapy setting, 62 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:18,160 Speaker 5: working with people like one on one or two on one, 63 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,840 Speaker 5: but when Xander joined my business, we actually made this 64 00:03:20,919 --> 00:03:23,880 Speaker 5: shift into working more in the online space. So we 65 00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:29,160 Speaker 5: create online guides, courses, challenges, things like for play guides, 66 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:32,880 Speaker 5: sex Challenges, Next Level Intercourse, but all with that same 67 00:03:32,919 --> 00:03:35,960 Speaker 5: goal of helping couples have incredible sex plofes. 68 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:39,240 Speaker 1: This might sound weird, but which came first the chicken 69 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:42,560 Speaker 1: of the egg here, Xander, did you guys get married 70 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:46,040 Speaker 1: and start hooking up first and be intimate and then 71 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:48,520 Speaker 1: you started working together? How did that work? 72 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,920 Speaker 6: Well? I was definitely not one of Vanessa's clients. We 73 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:59,800 Speaker 6: actually we actually met far before Vanessa was a psychotherapist. 74 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,320 Speaker 6: We met before she went to grad school, and so 75 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:07,760 Speaker 6: we got together about sixteen years ago at this point, 76 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,520 Speaker 6: and you know, a couple of years into our relationship, 77 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:13,920 Speaker 6: Vanessa went to graduate school, became a psychotherapist, and then 78 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:18,040 Speaker 6: started practicing. So it's been in the last six years 79 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 6: or so that I've been involved with her. Before before that, 80 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,520 Speaker 6: she built this whole business on her own. 81 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,120 Speaker 5: But I thought it would be kind of cool to 82 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:26,800 Speaker 5: have this husband and wife duo and to be able 83 00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 5: to talk about things, you know, as a real life 84 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 5: couple ourselves with our community. We really share honestly about like, yeah, 85 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:34,800 Speaker 5: we've been together sixteen years. We know what it's like 86 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,720 Speaker 5: to have ups and downs and times that feel less 87 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,840 Speaker 5: exciting and than others, and so it's been really cod 88 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:41,359 Speaker 5: the Lorner and I. 89 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,280 Speaker 1: Were talking, I think it makes a lot more relatable 90 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,359 Speaker 1: to know there is a couple behind all of this, 91 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 1: because like you said there is checks and balances, right, 92 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,240 Speaker 1: you get the female perspective, but then you like, I 93 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:52,920 Speaker 1: kind of want to know what the dude thinks because 94 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,479 Speaker 1: it's not just one sided here. So I think it 95 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:56,960 Speaker 1: does make it a lot more relatable. 96 00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, and we were excited to talk to you guys too, 97 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:01,799 Speaker 2: because like, we work together, you know, we live together, 98 00:05:01,839 --> 00:05:04,960 Speaker 2: we work together, we do everything together. So look, am 99 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,240 Speaker 2: I trying to get a little free therapy out of this? 100 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 4: Maybe? But it it is. 101 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,320 Speaker 5: It always turns into a good episode when the host 102 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,640 Speaker 5: is willing to get vulnerable themselves. I'll say it always 103 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,040 Speaker 5: turns into a good episode. 104 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,080 Speaker 1: But I liked your social media post when it was 105 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,880 Speaker 1: you know the common things that are said. It's like, well, okay, 106 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:24,880 Speaker 1: so I have a friend that. 107 00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:28,400 Speaker 4: Right, it's not my friend as this question. 108 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,880 Speaker 1: And being you know, the host of The Bachelor of 109 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,880 Speaker 1: so many years, people would come to me often with 110 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,040 Speaker 1: their love stories and their sex stories. I mean I 111 00:05:36,279 --> 00:05:40,039 Speaker 1: vividly remember sitting at an airport bar just having a 112 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,880 Speaker 1: cocktail and a lunch and someone started just telling me 113 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:44,640 Speaker 1: all about their sex life. And I'm sure it's the 114 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:47,279 Speaker 1: same to you. Sometimes you just want to go to 115 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,760 Speaker 1: a Christmas party. You really don't want to hear about 116 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:51,560 Speaker 1: everybody's intimate details, or. 117 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:52,560 Speaker 4: Do you, Vanessa? 118 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:53,479 Speaker 5: I do? 119 00:05:55,279 --> 00:05:55,520 Speaker 3: I do. 120 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:57,440 Speaker 6: Passion. 121 00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,800 Speaker 5: I was like, pull up a chair, yeah, tell me 122 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:00,480 Speaker 5: more about it. 123 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 1: This's get weird. Tell me how. 124 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,600 Speaker 5: About the topic. I think it's so interesting. So I'm 125 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,640 Speaker 5: happy to be cornered in the you know, over in 126 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,359 Speaker 5: the corner and the party. 127 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,320 Speaker 1: And before we dive in. I mean, I'm curious because 128 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,520 Speaker 1: I find it interesting too. Any I think anything that 129 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,640 Speaker 1: is quote unquote taboo or some people love to talk 130 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,839 Speaker 1: about it, some people don't want to talk about it. 131 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,599 Speaker 1: Religion goes in and out of it all. What do 132 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,040 Speaker 1: you find so fascinating about it that you have made 133 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,039 Speaker 1: it your life's work. 134 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:31,640 Speaker 5: What I find most fascinating is how ashamed and embarrassed 135 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,960 Speaker 5: we all are about this act that we all do. 136 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:37,760 Speaker 5: You know, to me, sex is one of the most natural, 137 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,599 Speaker 5: normal human things that we do, and also has the 138 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,480 Speaker 5: capacity to be one of the most joyful and exciting 139 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:47,920 Speaker 5: and pleasurable experiences, and yet we all feel so ashamed 140 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:50,839 Speaker 5: and embarrassed and alone. I mean, I think the most 141 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:54,200 Speaker 5: common question that we get asked is is this normal? 142 00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:57,159 Speaker 5: And we've gotten asked that question about some of the 143 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:00,440 Speaker 5: most normal things you can imagine, Like, yeah, we'll say, 144 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:02,920 Speaker 5: is it normal that I really like making out with 145 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:06,120 Speaker 5: my husband? Is it normal that I have this certain 146 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,760 Speaker 5: way that I want sex to be initiated. It's like, yeah, 147 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,080 Speaker 5: that's totally fine. So I really like to help people 148 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:15,880 Speaker 5: bridge that gap and recognize like we're all normal. It's 149 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:17,720 Speaker 5: all okay, I love that. 150 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,280 Speaker 2: Well, then you know, what's the number one thing you 151 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,480 Speaker 2: find yourself having to clear up with people the most often. 152 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,120 Speaker 5: There's so many, but a very common one is just 153 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:32,239 Speaker 5: the general idea of sex requiring any sort of effort. 154 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:35,320 Speaker 5: So we all see it play out in movies and 155 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:39,080 Speaker 5: on TV. You know, we see characters just have this immediate, 156 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,840 Speaker 5: incredible chemistry. Sex is always like, you know, they make 157 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,760 Speaker 5: eye contact at each other and then like ten seconds later, 158 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,280 Speaker 5: it's on and they're dashing off into the bedroom, ripping 159 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,880 Speaker 5: clothes off, and then you see like the ten second 160 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,560 Speaker 5: montage and everybody's happy and satisfied and you know, falling 161 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,560 Speaker 5: back into the pillow after that. And so we all 162 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:01,080 Speaker 5: grow up seeing the scene replayed over and over again, 163 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,720 Speaker 5: and it gives us this idea that great sex is 164 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 5: just supposed to happen if you found the right person, 165 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:11,720 Speaker 5: if you're really with your match, it should be easy, effortless, spontaneous. 166 00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:13,120 Speaker 6: You never have to talk about it. 167 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 5: You never have to talk about it, never have to 168 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:15,680 Speaker 5: put any sort of work into. 169 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,080 Speaker 6: You, definitely never need to go to therapy for it. 170 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,280 Speaker 5: And so yeah, one of the that's one of the 171 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:23,000 Speaker 5: big misconceptions that we really clear up for people. We 172 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:26,920 Speaker 5: actually tell people like, let's view sex like a hobby. 173 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,920 Speaker 5: So what's one of your hobbies for the two of you? 174 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:33,800 Speaker 1: Love to play golf. She loves Harry Potter. 175 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:40,280 Speaker 5: Okay, mus golf because it's a little bit easier, Like, okay, 176 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,640 Speaker 5: so you love golf, what are some of the things 177 00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:45,040 Speaker 5: that you do to get even better at golf? 178 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,760 Speaker 1: Of course, you go to the golf range, you take lessons, 179 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:51,040 Speaker 1: you pour money and time and effort into it. You 180 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,240 Speaker 1: don't just show up and you haven't done it for 181 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:54,679 Speaker 1: a year and you're gonna be good. You got to 182 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 1: work at. 183 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,880 Speaker 5: It, exactly, And do you ever judge yourself for that? 184 00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:58,160 Speaker 6: Is it? 185 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,800 Speaker 5: Like, oh wow, how embarrassed saying that I want to 186 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,640 Speaker 5: be a better golfer? Like this is so strange that 187 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,200 Speaker 5: I have to practice. 188 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,280 Speaker 1: You know what's funny for Essa actually what I say 189 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:09,040 Speaker 1: and Xander, I don't know if you play golf, but 190 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,679 Speaker 1: there are people you play golf with and they really 191 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,800 Speaker 1: really really suck. And when they suck at it, they 192 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,840 Speaker 1: get so mad they'll throw clubs, they'll cuss and all this. 193 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:22,720 Speaker 1: And my thing is, what have you ever done to 194 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:24,920 Speaker 1: get better? Like why would you expect to show up 195 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:29,080 Speaker 1: Thursday and just be Tiger Woods? You can't. And I 196 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,360 Speaker 1: would assume the same thing goes for Friday night in 197 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,560 Speaker 1: the bedroom. You can't just show up if you haven't 198 00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:34,880 Speaker 1: put any time and effort into. 199 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,880 Speaker 5: It, exactly. And I like framing it as a hobby 200 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,000 Speaker 5: because I think that makes it feel so much lighter. 201 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:42,120 Speaker 5: Like if we think about like, okay, I need to 202 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 5: get better at sex, that feels a little scary, right, 203 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,240 Speaker 5: like what do I do? How do I get better? 204 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,360 Speaker 5: It's embarrassing to admit that I'm not. But if we 205 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,160 Speaker 5: think about it as a hobby, it just makes the 206 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 5: energy feel so much lighter. And we all have those 207 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,800 Speaker 5: examples of like, yeah, no, I love playing golf, so 208 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,000 Speaker 5: it makes sense that I'm going to invest in it. 209 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,400 Speaker 5: It's a sign of respect of how much I love 210 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,440 Speaker 5: golf that I'm willing to play so many rounds and 211 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,680 Speaker 5: invest in equipment and take lessons in all the things. 212 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:09,760 Speaker 5: So if we can have that same sort of vibe 213 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,040 Speaker 5: towards our sex life, I think it can help all 214 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:13,239 Speaker 5: of us immensely. 215 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 4: I love that. 216 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,440 Speaker 2: One thing I've actually said to friends before is, well, you, guys, 217 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:22,000 Speaker 2: the first time you have sex with someone is never 218 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,080 Speaker 2: the best time you had sex with that person. 219 00:10:24,559 --> 00:10:24,719 Speaker 1: Yeah. 220 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:26,320 Speaker 4: I mean, I can't speak for a one night stand. 221 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,280 Speaker 4: You know that we were one and done or something. 222 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 2: But if you're in a relationship, nobody's ever like the 223 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,120 Speaker 2: first time was the best. 224 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,720 Speaker 4: And it's been all downhill since then. That doesn't happen. 225 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:35,960 Speaker 4: Practice makes perfect. 226 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:36,680 Speaker 5: Yeah. 227 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:40,800 Speaker 6: We actually we call that exact concept the first pancake rule. 228 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,120 Speaker 6: It's kind of like when you're making pancakes, the first 229 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,319 Speaker 6: one or the first batch always comes out a little 230 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,160 Speaker 6: weird and you're like, oh God, like did I do 231 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,199 Speaker 6: the batter wrong? And then you keep going and it 232 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,360 Speaker 6: gets better and better and then they look totally normal. 233 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,680 Speaker 6: And the exact same thing is true for sex, whether 234 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 6: it's your first time with a new partner or your 235 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,600 Speaker 6: first time back after a bit of a dry spell 236 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,520 Speaker 6: or something. Yeah, trying something brand new that that same 237 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,560 Speaker 6: rule applies. It's always it's going to be a little awkward. 238 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,360 Speaker 6: Things might not go exactly the way you want them to. 239 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,480 Speaker 6: And you know, you could either judge yourself and feel 240 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,080 Speaker 6: really ashamed like you've done something wrong, like oh god, 241 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:16,720 Speaker 6: that one horribly, I can never do it again, or 242 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 6: you can laugh and be like, oh yeah, you know, 243 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,800 Speaker 6: the first time you try anything, it's pretty much never perfect. 244 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,200 Speaker 6: So you know, why don't we get back in the 245 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:26,560 Speaker 6: sack and keep working on it? 246 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:42,720 Speaker 1: So how is this applicable to the listener who want 247 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:46,640 Speaker 1: to get better? Like like golf, like pickleball, whatever your 248 00:11:46,679 --> 00:11:49,200 Speaker 1: your passion is, whatever your hobby is. Okay, let's treat 249 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:49,800 Speaker 1: sex like this. 250 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:53,400 Speaker 2: You guys mentioned sex challenges. Is that part of practicing 251 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:54,000 Speaker 2: is that something? 252 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, what are things? Give us some tangible things that 253 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,400 Speaker 1: we can all do that will get us right, get 254 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:00,839 Speaker 1: us better. 255 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,640 Speaker 5: We love breaking this down for people because like, where 256 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,760 Speaker 5: did we ever get the chance to learn how to 257 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:07,680 Speaker 5: be better at sex? Like it's not like you can 258 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,520 Speaker 5: you know, we don't have the same thing we have 259 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,640 Speaker 5: with golf coaches and stuff like that. It's not quite 260 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,760 Speaker 5: as accessible, and so that's what our business is all about, 261 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,199 Speaker 5: is really breaking it down for people like step by 262 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:21,920 Speaker 5: step here specific techniques to use, do this and then 263 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,040 Speaker 5: this and then that. So like our Ultimate four Play 264 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:27,480 Speaker 5: guides are the perfect example of that. It's not generic 265 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:31,120 Speaker 5: advice like oh just experiment, just like try some new things. 266 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,520 Speaker 5: We're really walking through like specific techniques to try and 267 00:12:34,559 --> 00:12:37,079 Speaker 5: how to communicate with your partner about that. And the 268 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,199 Speaker 5: challenges are really really fun too, giving you new things 269 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,199 Speaker 5: to try out with. 270 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:41,640 Speaker 2: Yeah. 271 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,400 Speaker 6: Yeah. With our Sex Challenge, what we do is, you know, 272 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:48,040 Speaker 6: we for we have thirty different days of like two 273 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,600 Speaker 6: prompts each day of different activities you can try, like 274 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,439 Speaker 6: a more sensual type of activity and then a more 275 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:56,760 Speaker 6: sexual type of activity. But what we try to do 276 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,840 Speaker 6: is throughout all that give all kinds of different things 277 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:02,440 Speaker 6: to do that are not just intercourse because so many 278 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,920 Speaker 6: people think, oh yeah, well, okay, sex equals intercourse and 279 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,880 Speaker 6: it's just all about doing the intercourse right and you know, 280 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:12,320 Speaker 6: being perfect at that, but there's so many other things 281 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,640 Speaker 6: to do. It's like once you actually start to feel 282 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:17,360 Speaker 6: confident that oh yeah, there's like all these different tools 283 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,880 Speaker 6: in my tool belt. There's all these different activities that 284 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,280 Speaker 6: we can do, and I know that, you know, I 285 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:25,080 Speaker 6: can give my partner a really great experience. It takes 286 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:28,439 Speaker 6: the pressure off the intercourse and lets you realize like, 287 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,720 Speaker 6: oh yeah, there's so many items on the menu, so 288 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,000 Speaker 6: many fun things to try. 289 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:33,559 Speaker 4: God, you're so right. 290 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,960 Speaker 2: I'm sitting here thinking about like, because just like you said, 291 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,800 Speaker 2: we all see these scenes in movies and all that. 292 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,840 Speaker 2: I do think we've all been sort of trained to 293 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:44,920 Speaker 2: think that orgasm that like, the sex is the that's 294 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,040 Speaker 2: what we're all going for. That's the big thing, and 295 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,640 Speaker 2: everything else is just a step to get there. Like, 296 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:51,800 Speaker 2: I mean, I'm kind I'm going back to the bachelor, babe. 297 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,080 Speaker 2: But you know, maybe it's about the journey. 298 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:57,280 Speaker 1: It is about the journey. It's not a James Bond 299 00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:59,240 Speaker 1: movie where you barely meet the person then the next 300 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:00,000 Speaker 1: thing you know, he's in the show. 301 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:00,960 Speaker 4: Next tidy. 302 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,319 Speaker 1: Yeah, saving the world. 303 00:14:02,559 --> 00:14:04,160 Speaker 4: Well, you two went viral. 304 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,720 Speaker 2: You made a lot of headlines because you announced that 305 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,560 Speaker 2: you were doing this. I don't know if you would 306 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:10,920 Speaker 2: call it one of your challenges, but you were making 307 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,079 Speaker 2: out every night, and you wanted to just make out 308 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,240 Speaker 2: with each other every night, and the goal was not sex. 309 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 2: It was just we're gonna spend some time making out 310 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:20,960 Speaker 2: like teenagers every night. So are you still doing that? 311 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:22,520 Speaker 2: And what benefits have you seen? 312 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,800 Speaker 5: We are still doing it. Yeah, So for anybody who 313 00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:29,640 Speaker 5: hasn't seen that video, the original idea behind that was 314 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 5: I realized one day that Xander and I really did 315 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:36,000 Speaker 5: not make out very much anymore. Like when we first 316 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:39,880 Speaker 5: started dating, we made out for hours and hours and 317 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,880 Speaker 5: it was just one of the most fun things imaginable, 318 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,800 Speaker 5: like that chemistry was so intense. But like Xander said, 319 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,440 Speaker 5: we've been together for sixteen years. You guys have maybe 320 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,720 Speaker 5: experienced this yourself, like as you get into a long 321 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:54,680 Speaker 5: term relationship, we just don't really make out very much anymore. 322 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,960 Speaker 5: And so two things were coming up for me. One 323 00:14:57,160 --> 00:15:00,000 Speaker 5: was like I miss that, Like there's something so sweet 324 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,640 Speaker 5: and innocent about making out. It just it brings you 325 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:05,560 Speaker 5: back to those teenage years where it felt so exciting. 326 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:08,200 Speaker 5: And the second thing was that I was noticing that 327 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,080 Speaker 5: we would only make out during or write in the 328 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,920 Speaker 5: lead up to sex. So I was starting to get 329 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,520 Speaker 5: a little bit on guard when Xander would initiate a 330 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,520 Speaker 5: makeout with me because my brain was going to, oh, 331 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,520 Speaker 5: he's wanting to have sex right now, and so that 332 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,120 Speaker 5: would put me into this like, oh, well, do I 333 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,600 Speaker 5: want to have sex right now or not? 334 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,560 Speaker 6: And we both kind of realized that that was happening 335 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,960 Speaker 6: for both of us because you know, after those early 336 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:34,160 Speaker 6: you know, kind of honeymoon months or year or whatever 337 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:37,000 Speaker 6: at the beginning of our relationship, I think so often 338 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,040 Speaker 6: like life catches up with you and all of a sudden, 339 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:43,200 Speaker 6: sex which seems so easy and happening so naturally without 340 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,480 Speaker 6: much planning, all of a sudden, it's like you got 341 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,320 Speaker 6: a full load of work and life and social stuff, 342 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,960 Speaker 6: and like sex is not always the first thing on 343 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:52,720 Speaker 6: your mind. And so I know for me too, I 344 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:56,280 Speaker 6: would find myself thinking like, oh she's she's kissing me up. 345 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,160 Speaker 6: There's a little bit of tongue like, oh am, I 346 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,280 Speaker 6: do I want to have sex right now? I have 347 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,520 Speaker 6: time to have sex. And it was like, and we 348 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,920 Speaker 6: both kind of were talking about it. It was like, oh, wow, 349 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,600 Speaker 6: we're both thinking the same thing, and it's like, how 350 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:11,600 Speaker 6: sad is it that we're shutting down these moments of connection, 351 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,560 Speaker 6: these moments where we each you know, can just feel 352 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:19,040 Speaker 6: happy and good about each other because we're worried about 353 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,120 Speaker 6: what might or might not happen next. 354 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,800 Speaker 5: So we started making out. I said, let's do it 355 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,880 Speaker 5: every single night before bed, and we have the explicit 356 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,720 Speaker 5: rule like it is not going to lead to sex 357 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,720 Speaker 5: at the beginning, And so we have been doing that 358 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:36,360 Speaker 5: for years now and it's just become this really sweet routine, 359 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:39,080 Speaker 5: this ritual that we have together that we know, like 360 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,680 Speaker 5: at the end of the night, we're always going to 361 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:44,600 Speaker 5: have this little makeout session. Sometimes it's like ten seconds 362 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,880 Speaker 5: if we're really tired and just wanting to go to bed. 363 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,760 Speaker 5: Other nights it's a couple of minutes. But it's just 364 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,200 Speaker 5: been so sweet to be able to have that moment 365 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,080 Speaker 5: of connection with each other, and it's really brought down 366 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,280 Speaker 5: the barriers to making out and feeling like this pressure 367 00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:59,560 Speaker 5: that it has to lead to more. 368 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:03,920 Speaker 2: Is there something physiological there, because I think when we 369 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 2: have a deep kiss, I feel emotionally connected, like is 370 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:12,040 Speaker 2: there something happening with hormones or don't I mean, what's 371 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:12,720 Speaker 2: going on there? 372 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:17,360 Speaker 5: Yeah. Research has shown that a six second kiss, when 373 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,400 Speaker 5: you have that, your body starts to release oxytocin, which 374 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,280 Speaker 5: is otherwise known as the cuddle hormone. It's the hormone 375 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:26,639 Speaker 5: that promotes bonding, a sense of trust, and relaxation. So 376 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,600 Speaker 5: there really is something physiological that's happening as long as 377 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:31,600 Speaker 5: you're doing it for at least six seconds. 378 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:32,960 Speaker 6: Yeah, and the same is true, I think for a 379 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,359 Speaker 6: thirty second hug. So it's like a six second kiss, 380 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,280 Speaker 6: thirty second hug. That's basically the time that we need 381 00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:41,040 Speaker 6: in order to really kind of settle in and get 382 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,600 Speaker 6: those hormones releasing. But the reality is a lot of 383 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,840 Speaker 6: us don't take the time for a thirty second hug 384 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:50,159 Speaker 6: and definitely not a six second kiss. And yeah, unfortunately, 385 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:54,560 Speaker 6: little pecks aren't aren't going to get that oxytocin flow. 386 00:17:54,359 --> 00:17:57,440 Speaker 1: In, and they in studies are shown it's even better 387 00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,679 Speaker 1: in the back of a Honda Civic listening to air supply. 388 00:18:00,119 --> 00:18:03,440 Speaker 1: Oh yes, at least that's what worked in the eighties 389 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:04,080 Speaker 1: and nineties. 390 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:06,119 Speaker 2: By the way, we will get into I have questions 391 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,440 Speaker 2: about when to reveal your sexual pass but well we'll 392 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:09,120 Speaker 2: get to that later. 393 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:13,880 Speaker 1: Also, no, but my thought immediately went to you're right. 394 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:18,480 Speaker 1: Oftentimes it is that, oh, this is going to lead 395 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,000 Speaker 1: to this. Am I up for it? Do I have 396 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:26,080 Speaker 1: the energy for this and maybe making these moments away 397 00:18:26,119 --> 00:18:28,919 Speaker 1: from your house, you're about to walk into dinner on 398 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:32,080 Speaker 1: a date night, you're getting into the car, you're whatever, 399 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,760 Speaker 1: stop and have that intimate moment somewhere where it's pretty 400 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:39,120 Speaker 1: much impossible to have sex. So it's just it's never 401 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:41,639 Speaker 1: about that that it's just about that intimate moment you're sharing. 402 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:44,240 Speaker 5: Yeah, that can be a great twist to put on 403 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,080 Speaker 5: it if you're worried about like, well, I don't know, 404 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:47,560 Speaker 5: I am going to feel this pressure to lead to 405 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,480 Speaker 5: like do it in the moments when you can't, And 406 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:52,040 Speaker 5: that can also be a great tease too, like get 407 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,200 Speaker 5: a little something going when you're like, oh, we can't 408 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:55,280 Speaker 5: go any further than this. 409 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,879 Speaker 6: Yeah, someone in our audience DMed us and said that 410 00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:02,440 Speaker 6: they do this every time in an elevator alone, they 411 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,800 Speaker 6: make out, And we were like, that is such a 412 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,640 Speaker 6: good idea because yeah, it's like you can't do anything 413 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:09,719 Speaker 6: about it and it's just a fun little thing that 414 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:10,120 Speaker 6: you do. 415 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:10,879 Speaker 3: I like that. 416 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:25,600 Speaker 2: Getting back to dating Vanessa, one thing that I saw 417 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,200 Speaker 2: on your Instagram was when you were describing your job, 418 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,680 Speaker 2: and this kind of speaks to what we're talking about 419 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,800 Speaker 2: of like getting out of a rut and you know, 420 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,960 Speaker 2: feeling like you're dating again, feeling that excitement. You said, 421 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,280 Speaker 2: I loved this that part of your job is to 422 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,760 Speaker 2: get people to fall in love again. And I wanted 423 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:45,640 Speaker 2: to ask you your patients that you're seeing or your audience, 424 00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:49,000 Speaker 2: why do you think they are falling out of love 425 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,080 Speaker 2: and what do you do to help get people to 426 00:19:51,119 --> 00:19:51,960 Speaker 2: fall back in love. 427 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 5: I think it's very similar to what we were talking 428 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:57,160 Speaker 5: about with sex, is you know, in TV and movies, 429 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,720 Speaker 5: the beginning of a relationship is always run mant size, 430 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:02,960 Speaker 5: So like the falling in love that oh, there's some 431 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,399 Speaker 5: sort of roadblock that's in the way that they have 432 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:08,760 Speaker 5: to overcome, and it's like we really emphasize that beginning 433 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,119 Speaker 5: state of a relationship. But then when you think about 434 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,639 Speaker 5: how long term relationships are portrayed on TV in the movies, 435 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,919 Speaker 5: it's always like a bore, like oh god, my wife's 436 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:18,600 Speaker 5: son gnawing. 437 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,840 Speaker 1: Oh. 438 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,600 Speaker 5: It's like we don't have any good role models of 439 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,960 Speaker 5: keeping that that passion and that spark alive for each other. 440 00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:29,639 Speaker 5: So in the exact same ways with sex, like we 441 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:32,200 Speaker 5: really let the gas off and just think like, Okay, 442 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,640 Speaker 5: I got my partner, I won them over. We overcame 443 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,560 Speaker 5: the obstacle, and now I just kind of coast. So 444 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:42,880 Speaker 5: most of us don't do anything to actively improve our 445 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:46,240 Speaker 5: relationship or nurture our relationship. Like a lot of times 446 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:49,000 Speaker 5: people will ask me, you know, what what happened to 447 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,640 Speaker 5: the spark? I'm like, well, did you stop throwing logs 448 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,040 Speaker 5: on the fire? If you stop doing that, of course 449 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,119 Speaker 5: the fires are going to burn out. So obviously this 450 00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,679 Speaker 5: is a huge conversation. But I'll give you one super 451 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,800 Speaker 5: practical thing that people can do. There's some really fascinating 452 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:06,840 Speaker 5: research that has shown that gratitude is actually the number 453 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:11,400 Speaker 5: one predictor of marital success. And gratitude is so interesting 454 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:16,320 Speaker 5: because it's free, it's easy, and it's very fast. So 455 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,760 Speaker 5: just doing something very simple, like telling your partner how 456 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,280 Speaker 5: much you appreciate, you know, all those little things that 457 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:24,320 Speaker 5: you see them doing. Hey, I saw that you unloaded 458 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,800 Speaker 5: the dishwasher, Thank you for doing that. Oh, I saw 459 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:29,280 Speaker 5: that you got me my favorite cookie at the grocery store, 460 00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:32,640 Speaker 5: Thank you so much for that. Like, those little moments 461 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:35,480 Speaker 5: go such a long way in helping you feel seen, 462 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,119 Speaker 5: appreciated and loved. 463 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,959 Speaker 6: And then I'm that kind of pulls you out of 464 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,920 Speaker 6: that that dynamic or that idea that it's so easy 465 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,199 Speaker 6: to fall into over the years of like, oh, our 466 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:47,560 Speaker 6: marriage or a partnership is just this transactional relationship. Like 467 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,520 Speaker 6: you do these chores. I do those chores. You know 468 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:52,639 Speaker 6: you make this money, I make this money. This is 469 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,679 Speaker 6: how you know the arrangement works. And it's easy to 470 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,200 Speaker 6: fall into that and kind of forget like, hey, we're 471 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:01,720 Speaker 6: both here voluntarily want to be here because we love 472 00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:03,760 Speaker 6: each other, because we care about each other, and just 473 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,520 Speaker 6: being able to hear those little moments of gratitude is 474 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:08,439 Speaker 6: a great way to pull us out of that kind 475 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:11,199 Speaker 6: of transactional way of thinking and into just more of 476 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:11,879 Speaker 6: the emotional. 477 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:14,879 Speaker 1: And I know kids will play a huge part of that. 478 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:16,480 Speaker 1: I'm sure you work with people with kids. I know 479 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,600 Speaker 1: you guys don't have kids. Lauren and I were now 480 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,160 Speaker 1: empty nesters. Our kids are up at college, so we 481 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:23,680 Speaker 1: have a little bit of both, Like we just spent 482 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,680 Speaker 1: a month and a half with them and they were 483 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:27,639 Speaker 1: very much in our lives, but now they're back at 484 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,000 Speaker 1: school and we get to run around naked all the 485 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,920 Speaker 1: time now, and so it is that's so you mean when. 486 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:34,800 Speaker 2: You said throwing logs on the fire, right, Vanessa just 487 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:36,520 Speaker 2: walking around naked naked? 488 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:40,240 Speaker 1: But I'm sure you work with a lot of families 489 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:44,200 Speaker 1: people that are dealing with children, which exponentially changes things. 490 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:46,600 Speaker 1: It makes things a lot more difficult to keep that 491 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,000 Speaker 1: spark alive. So what is your advice to those that 492 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,679 Speaker 1: are dealing with kids when you have a three year 493 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:52,880 Speaker 1: old hanging on your hip? 494 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:55,199 Speaker 2: And yeah, I will go ahead, And these were going 495 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:57,080 Speaker 2: to be in our questions from the audience episode, but 496 00:22:57,119 --> 00:22:57,800 Speaker 2: now is a good time. 497 00:22:57,840 --> 00:22:58,959 Speaker 4: I had two questions. 498 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,080 Speaker 2: One is it normal to have less sex in a 499 00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:05,080 Speaker 2: marriage after you have kids? And two how do you 500 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:09,040 Speaker 2: make your way back to each other sexually after becoming parents? 501 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,760 Speaker 2: Those are from two different listeners of ours. 502 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:15,400 Speaker 5: It is incredibly normal for your sex life to decrease 503 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:19,760 Speaker 5: after having kids. So most couples won't have sex again 504 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,120 Speaker 5: until like six to twelve months after having a kid, 505 00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:26,840 Speaker 5: and the frequency will be much lower than it was beforehand. 506 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:31,280 Speaker 5: And that's really because kids change everything in your life. Right, Like, 507 00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:35,040 Speaker 5: you're exhausted, You're feeling all this anxiety, especially if you're 508 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,400 Speaker 5: a first time parent, about like am I doing this right? 509 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,720 Speaker 5: It feels like the dynamic is totally shifted between the 510 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,359 Speaker 5: two of you, because now there are three of you 511 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:46,560 Speaker 5: instead of just you and your partnership. Financial stress, like 512 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:50,120 Speaker 5: everything changes, so of course our sex lives are going 513 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:53,000 Speaker 5: to change as well. So I think just normalizing it 514 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:56,320 Speaker 5: is the most important place to start, because so many 515 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:59,639 Speaker 5: parents go into it with this expectation of, oh, we 516 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:01,760 Speaker 5: have the and then we get cleared at the six 517 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,320 Speaker 5: week mark, and things are supposed to go back to normal, right, 518 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:07,440 Speaker 5: And that just does not happen for the vast majority 519 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:10,600 Speaker 5: of parents. So one of the tips that I would 520 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:13,680 Speaker 5: give for parents for finding each other again might sound 521 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:17,359 Speaker 5: a little counterintuitive, but I think it's actually really important 522 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:19,960 Speaker 5: for parents to make a little bit of space for 523 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:24,399 Speaker 5: each other to be individual people. And this is especially 524 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:28,439 Speaker 5: important for women who just have a different burden on 525 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,320 Speaker 5: them with a brand new child. They're literally relying on 526 00:24:31,359 --> 00:24:34,280 Speaker 5: your body for survival. You've just grown them inside of 527 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,639 Speaker 5: your body for months and months and months, and so 528 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,960 Speaker 5: a lot of women just feel like they lose their 529 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:41,800 Speaker 5: sense of self and it's so hard to show up 530 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:45,480 Speaker 5: as a romantic partner when you're feeling like you're drowning 531 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,240 Speaker 5: just trying to show up as a mother, So being 532 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,840 Speaker 5: able to support each other and having a little bit 533 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,720 Speaker 5: of alone time. And even if that alone time is 534 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:56,879 Speaker 5: like I need sixty seconds to go into the closet 535 00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,159 Speaker 5: and close the door and be in the dark, and 536 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:03,600 Speaker 5: just that's great, But just a little bit of time 537 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:07,320 Speaker 5: for each other to have some separate space can be 538 00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:09,760 Speaker 5: so beneficial and like helping you feel like you come 539 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:12,560 Speaker 5: back into your own skins so then you can reconnect 540 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:13,800 Speaker 5: a little bit with your partner. 541 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:15,600 Speaker 4: I love that. 542 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:17,320 Speaker 2: It sounds like a lot I mean, correct me if 543 00:25:17,359 --> 00:25:20,960 Speaker 2: I'm summarizing this wrong, Vanessa, But a lot of the 544 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,440 Speaker 2: advice I'm hearing from you is going back to like, 545 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,920 Speaker 2: like love each other for who you are, be grateful 546 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,160 Speaker 2: for each other, and kind of keep dating. Like when 547 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,040 Speaker 2: you said throw logs on the fire that's going to 548 00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:34,639 Speaker 2: stick with me? Is that are you saying keep dating 549 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:36,679 Speaker 2: that person? Is that a huge part of what you 550 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:37,240 Speaker 2: tell people? 551 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:40,359 Speaker 5: Absolutely? Yeah. I mean people are always asking like, what 552 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:42,679 Speaker 5: you know did why was it so much easier in 553 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,280 Speaker 5: the beginning of the relationship, And I'm like, it wasn't. 554 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:47,920 Speaker 5: You were just putting so much more effort in in 555 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:48,399 Speaker 5: the beginning. 556 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,399 Speaker 1: It was a priority because we wanted to make something happen. 557 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:52,880 Speaker 4: We wanted to make the person like us. 558 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,720 Speaker 1: But you can't. You just can't treat a relationship like 559 00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:57,520 Speaker 1: it was a building, like oh, look I built it, 560 00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,880 Speaker 1: and then you can walk away thinking that that buildings 561 00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:01,760 Speaker 1: to be there tomorrow. It's like, you got to keep 562 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:05,600 Speaker 1: that same energy, the same concept of hitting on that person, 563 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:07,399 Speaker 1: flirting with that person, dating that person. 564 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:11,080 Speaker 5: Yeah, if you want that new relationship energy to sustain 565 00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:13,639 Speaker 5: throughout the relationship, you have to keep showing up in 566 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,359 Speaker 5: the same sort of way you did at the beginning 567 00:26:15,359 --> 00:26:16,240 Speaker 5: of the relationship. 568 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,719 Speaker 2: Well, I love all this so much. Now, one thing 569 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:21,000 Speaker 2: we do a lot is we go through celebrity headlines. 570 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,640 Speaker 2: So we have some celebrity news headlines for you too 571 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,280 Speaker 2: that have spurred some sex conversations. I'm gonna call them 572 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:31,080 Speaker 2: sex celebrity headlines. This week, we're going to start off 573 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:33,720 Speaker 2: with one that went everywhere. I don't know if you 574 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,960 Speaker 2: all have heard of them, but Larsa Pippen, current Real housewife, 575 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:42,040 Speaker 2: former wife of Scottie Pippen, is dating Marcus Jordan, son 576 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:44,280 Speaker 2: of Michael Jordan. We could probably get into a lot 577 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,560 Speaker 2: of sex therapy about the fact that she's dating her 578 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:51,719 Speaker 2: ex husband's dear friend's son. But anyway, they said that 579 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:55,360 Speaker 2: they have sex five times a night, a night. 580 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:56,800 Speaker 1: And not a week. 581 00:26:57,240 --> 00:27:01,600 Speaker 2: I actually separately got this question from some people dming me, So, 582 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:05,480 Speaker 2: how much is too much? How often is normal? How 583 00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:08,080 Speaker 2: much should couples be having sex every week? What's healthy? 584 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,040 Speaker 5: This is the big question that we always get asked, 585 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,280 Speaker 5: what is that magic number? And I know so many 586 00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:17,040 Speaker 5: people saw that interview and just thought, like, exactly what 587 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:19,760 Speaker 5: you were saying, Chris, like five times a day? Like 588 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:21,639 Speaker 5: most people like, I don't know if we even do 589 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:22,760 Speaker 5: it five times a month. 590 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:25,560 Speaker 1: Kind of somebody's walking away with a limp like that. 591 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:30,760 Speaker 4: Doesn't sound physically enjoyable. Day, no pain. 592 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,600 Speaker 1: Numbers numbers four and five, You're not. You're just you're 593 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,760 Speaker 1: trying to survive. It's you know, at numbers four and 594 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:39,119 Speaker 1: five of sex in the same night that is the 595 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:42,320 Speaker 1: last four miles of a marathon. You're just trying not 596 00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:45,600 Speaker 1: to wet yourself, Your toenails are falling off. You just 597 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:46,840 Speaker 1: like let this be over. 598 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,520 Speaker 5: So as a sex therapist, I will tell you that truly, 599 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:55,080 Speaker 5: there is no one magic number that's going to work 600 00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:58,520 Speaker 5: for every single couple. But honestly, I think that we 601 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:02,480 Speaker 5: have the wrong question. So many people are so fixated 602 00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:06,119 Speaker 5: on how much sex should we be having, But in reality, 603 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:08,760 Speaker 5: the quality of the sex that we're having is so 604 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:12,439 Speaker 5: much more important than the quantity. So if you're having 605 00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:16,600 Speaker 5: sex that feels kind of boring its routine, you do 606 00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,959 Speaker 5: the same things over and over again, it's very predictable, Like, 607 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:23,240 Speaker 5: there's no point in forcing yourselves to try to do 608 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:25,600 Speaker 5: that five times a day. It's not going to be 609 00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:28,760 Speaker 5: an enjoyable experience. And the more that we really like 610 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:33,240 Speaker 5: push ourselves to focus on the quality and the quantity, like, 611 00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:35,920 Speaker 5: the more we might actually notice our sex drive decrease 612 00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:37,840 Speaker 5: because we're not having an enjoyable experience. 613 00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:38,280 Speaker 1: Yeah. 614 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:40,760 Speaker 6: I actually thought of a really great comparison, Chris. It's like, 615 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:44,680 Speaker 6: for golf, would you rather play five really bad games 616 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:49,000 Speaker 6: of golf a week or like one really awesome one 617 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:52,000 Speaker 6: where you come away feeling great about yourself? Like, if 618 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,640 Speaker 6: you do those five and it's like a struggle, you're 619 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:57,120 Speaker 6: throwing your clubs, Like, how are you going to find 620 00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,200 Speaker 6: the motivation to do another five than that? 621 00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:00,480 Speaker 1: You're just going through the motion. 622 00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:04,120 Speaker 2: So I'm also wondering when they're working eating. That's so 623 00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,120 Speaker 2: much time during the day, five times a day, how 624 00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:07,480 Speaker 2: much it's so much time. 625 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:09,800 Speaker 1: A lot of medical stuff comes into play. You've got 626 00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:12,160 Speaker 1: to get your fluids, you've got to get your electrolytes in. 627 00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:14,120 Speaker 1: You need some protein if you're going to survive that. 628 00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:18,760 Speaker 1: But so I like your idea of quality over quantity. 629 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,080 Speaker 1: Don't worry about the number, worry about the quality. So 630 00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:24,240 Speaker 1: what does that mean? What can we do to make 631 00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:27,000 Speaker 1: the quality better when we are intimate? 632 00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:30,520 Speaker 5: So, the biggest thing that comes up in male female 633 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:34,479 Speaker 5: relationships is the orgasm gap. So research has found that 634 00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:38,600 Speaker 5: men are having way more orgasms than women are having. 635 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:42,360 Speaker 5: And when we talk to male female relationships, is almost 636 00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,880 Speaker 5: always the woman who's saying, like, my sex drive feels 637 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:47,560 Speaker 5: pretty low. I don't really want it, feels like my 638 00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:49,640 Speaker 5: partner wants it all the time. What's wrong with me? 639 00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:52,840 Speaker 5: As women, we have the tendency to blame ourselves. I 640 00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:55,040 Speaker 5: feel like we're the ones who are the problem. And 641 00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:57,360 Speaker 5: so we'll ask her like, okay, well describe the sex 642 00:29:57,360 --> 00:29:59,720 Speaker 5: that you are having to us, and she'll describe it 643 00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:03,160 Speaker 5: as like, well, it's all about him, it's on his timeline. 644 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:05,760 Speaker 5: As soon as he's done, We're done. There's not really 645 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:08,440 Speaker 5: anything in it for me. So our biggest piece of 646 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:12,440 Speaker 5: advice is to make sure that her pleasure is prioritized 647 00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:15,880 Speaker 5: as much as his pleasure is, and practically, like sometimes 648 00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:18,440 Speaker 5: that might even be her having an orgasm or her 649 00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:21,320 Speaker 5: being the focus first before you move on to him. 650 00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:24,280 Speaker 5: So going back to you know, the we were talking 651 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:27,040 Speaker 5: about four play earlier, we actually hate the word foreplay. 652 00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:29,160 Speaker 5: It's on the first page of our guide, like we 653 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,120 Speaker 5: know you just s popped this guy. This says ultimate 654 00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:34,240 Speaker 5: foreplay guides, But we actually don't like this word because 655 00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:37,480 Speaker 5: it implies that these things are like lesser than like 656 00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:39,920 Speaker 5: intercourse is the main thing, and four plays just like 657 00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:42,200 Speaker 5: that's just the stuff you do for thirty seconds on 658 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:45,400 Speaker 5: the way to intercourse. But the reality is for women, 659 00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:49,080 Speaker 5: you are much more likely to make her orgasm with 660 00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:52,040 Speaker 5: your hands or your mouth than you are with intercourse. 661 00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:54,800 Speaker 5: In reality, only ten to fifteen percent of women can 662 00:30:54,920 --> 00:30:58,160 Speaker 5: orgasm from intercourse. So focusing more on the hands and 663 00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:00,440 Speaker 5: the mouth is going to go a very long way 664 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:01,160 Speaker 5: from both of you. 665 00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:02,200 Speaker 6: And the. 666 00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:06,960 Speaker 1: Talking. As you said, you know, in general, this is 667 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:10,239 Speaker 1: a taboo subject. But what I find also interesting is 668 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:14,200 Speaker 1: how reluctant. We are just to have a conversation with 669 00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:19,120 Speaker 1: our significant other of Babe, what can I do to 670 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:21,719 Speaker 1: make you orgasm? What can I do to help you? 671 00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:24,760 Speaker 2: I think people are really worried about hurting each other's feelings, 672 00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:27,600 Speaker 2: which is a good thing, but that's what I think. 673 00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:30,400 Speaker 6: Oh yeah, we got so worried about hurting the other's 674 00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:32,800 Speaker 6: feelings by Oh if I say this, they're going to 675 00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:34,960 Speaker 6: think I'm implying that, or they're going to think that 676 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:39,120 Speaker 6: I mean something totally different. Or we get this idea 677 00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:42,080 Speaker 6: in our heads that okay, because we have been doing 678 00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:45,000 Speaker 6: it this way for the last X number of years, 679 00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:47,880 Speaker 6: or because this was the way these are like the 680 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:50,720 Speaker 6: three positions that we did the first you know, a 681 00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:54,040 Speaker 6: couple times we had sex, that somehow we've made this 682 00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:57,120 Speaker 6: blood oath that this is the way that we do it. 683 00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:00,400 Speaker 6: So many people come to us with this of oh, well, 684 00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:02,640 Speaker 6: I couldn't possibly do another position because these are the 685 00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:05,320 Speaker 6: ones that we've always done, or well, I couldn't possibly 686 00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:08,280 Speaker 6: do this because one time, you know, she said like, 687 00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:11,360 Speaker 6: don't go down on me, and so therefore she never 688 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:13,200 Speaker 6: wants me to do it. And it's like, you know, 689 00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:16,760 Speaker 6: the only way to really understand what we actually want 690 00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:19,560 Speaker 6: is to keep talking about this stuff. I mean, our 691 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:23,360 Speaker 6: preferences change sometimes early on relationships. We say things because 692 00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:25,720 Speaker 6: we think we're you know, trying to help our partner 693 00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:28,320 Speaker 6: out or throw them a bone, and then you know, 694 00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:30,280 Speaker 6: you don't want them to take that one thing you 695 00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:32,280 Speaker 6: said and be like, okay, cool, now I never do 696 00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:35,440 Speaker 6: this or I always do that. So yeah, like you're saying, Chris, 697 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:38,600 Speaker 6: the talking about it is so important. 698 00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:42,840 Speaker 1: And people really should. I mean, look, women are very mysterious. 699 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:46,000 Speaker 1: They're impossible to figure out. So guys when they give 700 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:51,640 Speaker 1: you an actual statement of this is the roadmap. I mean, God, 701 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:56,000 Speaker 1: bless you, thank you. Now I got it, and then they're. 702 00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:59,400 Speaker 5: Practical tip here. So most men like really do want 703 00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:02,400 Speaker 5: to please partners, but one of the big mistakes that 704 00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:05,120 Speaker 5: they make is asking what can I do for you? 705 00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:07,120 Speaker 5: Or what do you want me to do? And the 706 00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:10,040 Speaker 5: problem with that question is it's too broad. You don't 707 00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:12,400 Speaker 5: know how to answer it, like and then that's where 708 00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:13,800 Speaker 5: we get into this place. Well, I don't want to 709 00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:15,960 Speaker 5: hurt his feelings, and what do I say? And for 710 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:17,480 Speaker 5: a lot of us women, it's like, well, I don't 711 00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:20,040 Speaker 5: even know what I need, So what am I supposed 712 00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:23,640 Speaker 5: to do? So instead, what we recommend is give her 713 00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:27,080 Speaker 5: two options to choose from. We call this the eye 714 00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:29,760 Speaker 5: exam games. You know, when you get your eyesight checked, 715 00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:32,080 Speaker 5: they show you like, okay, look at this slide. Is 716 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:34,440 Speaker 5: this one more clear or is this one more clear? Like, 717 00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:37,160 Speaker 5: when you have two options to choose from, it makes 718 00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:40,120 Speaker 5: the decision just feel so much easier and more straightforward. 719 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:43,080 Speaker 5: So you could do this, you know, you could do 720 00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:45,120 Speaker 5: it for broad things like do you like it better 721 00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:47,040 Speaker 5: when I use my hands on you or when I 722 00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:49,200 Speaker 5: use my mouth on you? And then you could even 723 00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:51,800 Speaker 5: get really specific in the moment, like let's say you're 724 00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:55,800 Speaker 5: using your hands, try two slightly different techniques with your hands, 725 00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:58,320 Speaker 5: and ask do you like this one better or this 726 00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:02,000 Speaker 5: one better? So it gives her options to choose from, 727 00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:05,120 Speaker 5: and it also shows that you genuinely do care about 728 00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:07,960 Speaker 5: her pleasure because you're willing to come up with the 729 00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:10,719 Speaker 5: options for her rather than just making her come up 730 00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:11,320 Speaker 5: with everything. 731 00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:16,040 Speaker 1: So is my takeaway here. These are conversations and things 732 00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:18,280 Speaker 1: that are best kind of in the heat of the moment, 733 00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:21,920 Speaker 1: as opposed to we're having dinner, babe, what do you 734 00:34:21,920 --> 00:34:22,960 Speaker 1: think about this when I do that. 735 00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:27,080 Speaker 5: We're at Applebee's and we're like, that is a great question, 736 00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:30,120 Speaker 5: you know. So we actually wrote a book called Sex Talks, 737 00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:32,960 Speaker 5: The Five Conversations that Will Transform Your Love Life, Because 738 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:35,440 Speaker 5: talking about sex it's another one of those things that 739 00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:37,719 Speaker 5: like we all sort of know that we should be 740 00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:39,640 Speaker 5: doing it, but we don't know how to do it. 741 00:34:39,719 --> 00:34:41,960 Speaker 5: And so again we wanted to make it like really 742 00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:44,640 Speaker 5: clear and break it down step by step. So the 743 00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:47,640 Speaker 5: first conversation that we start with in the book is 744 00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:51,320 Speaker 5: what we call the acknowledgment conversation, which is simply getting 745 00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:54,880 Speaker 5: comfortable with the idea of talking about sex. So, if 746 00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:57,560 Speaker 5: you and your partner have never talked about sex before, 747 00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:00,239 Speaker 5: we actually don't want you to jump right into like 748 00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:02,120 Speaker 5: what can I do better? How do I improve? What 749 00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:02,640 Speaker 5: do you want? 750 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:04,520 Speaker 6: Yeah? Or like in the moment, like that's going to 751 00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:06,040 Speaker 6: feel like it's supernting. 752 00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:08,279 Speaker 5: Yeah, it's going to feel too intimidating for both of you, 753 00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:11,040 Speaker 5: and you're more likely to have a conversation that goes 754 00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:13,640 Speaker 5: off the rails. So instead, we want you to start 755 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:15,719 Speaker 5: outside of the bedroom, and we want you to talk 756 00:35:15,760 --> 00:35:18,480 Speaker 5: about sex in a positive way or even in a 757 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:20,640 Speaker 5: neutral way. So all you're trying to do is get 758 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,640 Speaker 5: comfortable with it as a topic of conversation. So one 759 00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:27,400 Speaker 5: of the best, like practical conversation openers would be to 760 00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:30,759 Speaker 5: ask your partner, what are some of your favorite sexual 761 00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:33,359 Speaker 5: memories with me? So that gets a two of you 762 00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:37,480 Speaker 5: like reminiscing about great experiences you had together, and it 763 00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:42,200 Speaker 5: also starts to highlight some good information like, oh, maybe 764 00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,799 Speaker 5: all in all of our favorite sexual experiences, it was 765 00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:48,799 Speaker 5: we were doing like a lot of positions, or we 766 00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:51,120 Speaker 5: had her go first, or there was a certain way 767 00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:53,600 Speaker 5: it got initiated. But it's just getting the two of 768 00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:56,000 Speaker 5: you comfortable talking about the topic openly. 769 00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:58,560 Speaker 6: Yeah, and then when it comes to the more specific 770 00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:01,560 Speaker 6: stuff like Vanessa was mentioning before, oh, do you like 771 00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:05,560 Speaker 6: this technique or that technique? I think in general it's 772 00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:09,160 Speaker 6: best to start initiating those conversations outside of the bedroom 773 00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:11,160 Speaker 6: in a more neutral setting, because if you're not used 774 00:36:11,160 --> 00:36:14,760 Speaker 6: to talking about sex while you're having sex or right afterwards, 775 00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:17,560 Speaker 6: it can bring up a little bit of anxiety. And 776 00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:19,799 Speaker 6: so I think it's good to start talking about, Hey, 777 00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:22,160 Speaker 6: it would be fun to try a couple of things 778 00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:24,359 Speaker 6: I want to you know, I want to support you 779 00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:27,480 Speaker 6: in having a better experience, So would you be open 780 00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:31,400 Speaker 6: to in the moment us, you know, me giving you 781 00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:33,920 Speaker 6: a couple of options, see what you like, and then 782 00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:36,600 Speaker 6: talking about you know, how each one is or what 783 00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:37,120 Speaker 6: you think. 784 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:40,480 Speaker 4: Wow, I think that's such a good note to end on. 785 00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:42,680 Speaker 2: I don't even want to waste more time on these 786 00:36:42,719 --> 00:36:45,400 Speaker 2: celebrity headlines because we have real questions from our audience 787 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:47,200 Speaker 2: to get to. So we're going to go for that 788 00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:51,200 Speaker 2: in the next episode. Vanessa and Xander Marin. Their book 789 00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:53,960 Speaker 2: is called Sex Talks The Five Conversations that Will Change 790 00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:57,160 Speaker 2: Your Love Life. Their podcast is Pillow Talks and you 791 00:36:57,200 --> 00:36:59,360 Speaker 2: can find them on social media. And we're going to 792 00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:01,319 Speaker 2: be back with questions from you. 793 00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:04,359 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening. Follow us on Instagram at the most 794 00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:06,880 Speaker 1: dramatic pod ever and make sure to write us a 795 00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:09,640 Speaker 1: review and leave us five stars. I'll talk to you 796 00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:10,080 Speaker 1: next time.