WEBVTT - Challenging Lessons In Love 0:00:02.640 --> 0:00:05.880 I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 0:00:06.320 --> 0:00:08.840 I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 0:00:09.360 --> 0:00:13.280 I had to learn the skills and tools required to 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:18.000 make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 0:00:18.120 --> 0:00:33.240 art Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 0:00:36.560 --> 0:00:42.800 Good afternoon, Good afternoon, Good afternoon, and i am back 0:00:43.000 --> 0:00:48.600 again for a live episode of The art Spot, the 0:00:48.680 --> 0:00:52.600 place we come to talk about relationships. And I've got 0:00:52.640 --> 0:00:56.080 two questions on the floor today. What is the hardest 0:00:56.200 --> 0:01:01.319 lesson you have ever learned about relationshiationships? And how did 0:01:01.360 --> 0:01:03.920 you learn that lesson? What's the hardest lesson you had 0:01:03.920 --> 0:01:07.480 to learn about yourself? About how you do relationships, how 0:01:07.480 --> 0:01:12.480 you go into relationships, what's required in the relationship, and 0:01:13.360 --> 0:01:16.280 what's the best lesson, the thing that is blessed you 0:01:16.319 --> 0:01:19.479 the best? How you behave in relationships, how you leave 0:01:19.520 --> 0:01:23.160 a relationship. We want to talk about that right here 0:01:23.319 --> 0:01:25.920 live on the our Spot. You can come up on 0:01:25.920 --> 0:01:28.200 the screen with me, or you can put it in 0:01:28.240 --> 0:01:30.800 the comments and I'll read it. If you've got a question, 0:01:30.920 --> 0:01:33.479 I'll answer it. We did this about two weeks ago 0:01:33.800 --> 0:01:37.440 and we had just a really, really good time. What 0:01:37.680 --> 0:01:40.640 is the hardest lesson you've ever learned in relationships? We 0:01:40.680 --> 0:01:43.080 want to know about that here on the our spot, 0:01:43.640 --> 0:01:45.880 because this is the place that we come to learn 0:01:45.920 --> 0:01:51.160 about all things relationships. All things do we mean only 0:01:51.280 --> 0:01:55.080 romantic relationships or all relationships? Well, at the spot we 0:01:55.120 --> 0:01:58.920 talk about all relationships. You have to do the work. 0:01:59.280 --> 0:02:05.640 Boundaries are important. Absolutely, absolutely, I can't change the other person. Godlee, 0:02:05.880 --> 0:02:10.000 who's tried to change somebody in the relationship? And how 0:02:10.360 --> 0:02:14.400 do you realize you can't do it? How do I 0:02:14.480 --> 0:02:17.280 keep my marriage when my husband got a thirty year 0:02:17.320 --> 0:02:20.800 old pregnant? Well, what's more relevant that she's thirty or 0:02:20.840 --> 0:02:23.920 that she's pregnant? And how old is your husband? I 0:02:23.919 --> 0:02:26.119 don't know how you keep that together? Do you want 0:02:26.120 --> 0:02:28.600 to keep it together? What do we do when we 0:02:28.680 --> 0:02:32.120 find out that our partner, a husband, particularly a husband 0:02:32.240 --> 0:02:35.240 or a wife is cheating. That's another question we want 0:02:35.280 --> 0:02:38.359 to deal with right here on the relationship. Letting go 0:02:38.520 --> 0:02:43.320 is the hardest thing. Absolutely, letting go is the hardest thing. 0:02:43.480 --> 0:02:47.440 Why why is it so hard? Why do we have 0:02:47.520 --> 0:02:53.280 such a difficult time saying well, that's done? Next? Because 0:02:53.280 --> 0:02:56.400 you're in a place to move forward. Doesn't mean others are. 0:02:56.800 --> 0:03:00.560 We can't do the work for others. Okay, I cannot 0:03:00.600 --> 0:03:04.440 love someone into loving you. Wow, that's powerful. Thank you 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:09.400 for that, Thank you for that. Boundaries, Boundaries, boundaries, that's 0:03:09.400 --> 0:03:12.280 the hardest thing. Now, what do we mean about a boundary? 0:03:12.480 --> 0:03:15.160 And how do you make a distinction between a boundary 0:03:15.200 --> 0:03:18.280 and a wall? Because some of us we set up walls, 0:03:18.360 --> 0:03:20.919 or we set up demands, We set up things that 0:03:20.960 --> 0:03:25.480 we absolutely hold and hold the other person to it. 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:29.160 And what do you do when a person doesn't align 0:03:29.280 --> 0:03:31.640 with your boundaries? What do you do? Do you just 0:03:31.760 --> 0:03:35.440 let the whole relationship go? All right? I know you're 0:03:35.480 --> 0:03:37.920 out there, welcome to the r spot. I had to 0:03:37.960 --> 0:03:41.520 love my father where he was. Yes, just had that 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:44.640 conversation with somebody. Here's something that I think we need 0:03:44.680 --> 0:03:49.320 to own. And I'm just putting this out there. I'm please. 0:03:49.400 --> 0:03:51.400 If you're a man and you have a different approach, 0:03:51.440 --> 0:03:54.760 a different opinion, I want to hear from you. I 0:03:54.960 --> 0:03:59.760 find in relationships in general, in life that men have 0:03:59.840 --> 0:04:06.960 a difficult time asking for help, accepting help, or admitting 0:04:07.040 --> 0:04:12.000 when they need help. They have a difficult time asking 0:04:12.040 --> 0:04:16.640 for help receiving help even when you offer it, or 0:04:16.680 --> 0:04:19.599 admitting that they need help, because I think in the 0:04:19.800 --> 0:04:26.880 masculine socialization, people come up with asking for help is 0:04:26.920 --> 0:04:30.640 weak men men asking for help is weak, or maybe 0:04:30.680 --> 0:04:34.400 they ask for help and we're considered weak. I don't know. 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:37.679 If you're a man, come talk to me and let's 0:04:37.680 --> 0:04:40.960 forget this thing out. I have to give my person 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:44.520 grace I expect for them. You have to give someone 0:04:44.560 --> 0:04:47.840 the same amount of grace or the same amount of compassion, 0:04:48.040 --> 0:04:51.320 because we don't really have grace. We can't give grace. 0:04:51.680 --> 0:04:55.400 Only God can give grace. Communicate is literally everything. It 0:04:55.400 --> 0:04:57.800 will make or break. What do you mean by communicate? 0:04:58.520 --> 0:05:02.359 What do you mean by that? Because your definition of 0:05:02.480 --> 0:05:08.000 communication may be very very different in someone else's definition 0:05:08.080 --> 0:05:12.000 of communication. Blessings to it afternoon. I learned being with 0:05:12.160 --> 0:05:15.200 my wife twenty seven years. I realized they are different 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:18.640 versions of her I have met, and I'm so happy 0:05:18.960 --> 0:05:21.960 we had those hard days to make these great days 0:05:22.000 --> 0:05:25.600 ahead as you grow. I love that. Thank you twenty 0:05:25.640 --> 0:05:28.640 seven years. Different aspects of her, and just know this, 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:33.600 there are different aspects of you too. You can help 0:05:33.680 --> 0:05:37.840 a narcissist change. That's a statement. If I'm not happy 0:05:37.960 --> 0:05:41.400 after trying everything to make it work, it's okay to leave. 0:05:41.800 --> 0:05:44.359 I have to stop saying so long, knowing it's not 0:05:44.520 --> 0:05:49.719 working and not going to work. When is enough enough? 0:05:50.160 --> 0:05:55.159 That's the question? When is enough enough? That's another question. 0:05:55.240 --> 0:05:58.040 We can put that on the board. When is enough enough? 0:05:58.720 --> 0:06:05.560 Relationships is about production? What are we producing? I can 0:06:05.720 --> 0:06:08.560 hear that, So let me ask you a question. Relationships 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:13.760 are about production. What's the distinction between production and transactions? 0:06:14.720 --> 0:06:20.920 Because so very often we get into these transactional relationships accountability. Listen, 0:06:21.160 --> 0:06:24.680 y'all can't give me these one word answers. What's the 0:06:24.720 --> 0:06:29.440 hardest thing you've learned in relationship accountability? Who's yours? Theirs? 0:06:29.680 --> 0:06:34.320 How you hold somebody accountable? The hardest lesson was what 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:38.120 I allow will continue? That's a good one. The hardest 0:06:38.200 --> 0:06:41.520 lesson is what I allow will continue? We got a 0:06:41.600 --> 0:06:47.119 question here, delete report. Let me just see what if 0:06:47.320 --> 0:06:52.719 I have everything in my relationship except the sex? What 0:06:52.839 --> 0:06:57.240 about it? Whoo? You know they say that sex is 0:06:57.279 --> 0:07:00.920 only ten percent of a relationship, but it's very important 0:07:00.960 --> 0:07:04.000 ten percent. So let me ask you, are you willing 0:07:04.080 --> 0:07:06.960 to live the rest of your life in this relationship 0:07:07.760 --> 0:07:10.800 with things exactly as they are? Are you willing to 0:07:10.840 --> 0:07:14.520 do that? So if you're not, then you've got a 0:07:14.600 --> 0:07:17.520 choice to make. How long do you keep a relationship 0:07:17.720 --> 0:07:22.000 that you know has an expectation date to it romantic 0:07:22.080 --> 0:07:26.480 or friendship? I think you mean expiration and expiration date? 0:07:26.680 --> 0:07:28.560 How long do you keep a relationship? 0:07:33.360 --> 0:07:34.320 How are you my love? 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:36.920 Yeah, you got a question you want to bring to 0:07:37.000 --> 0:07:38.520 the R spot today. 0:07:39.400 --> 0:07:41.800 I just wanted to share that. 0:07:42.000 --> 0:07:44.640 You know, I think one of the greatest lessons I 0:07:44.760 --> 0:07:51.920 learned is to love myself and I know that I'm 0:07:52.000 --> 0:07:57.120 always my first priority. And I so a couple of 0:07:57.200 --> 0:08:00.320 years years ago, I was in like a situationship with 0:08:00.400 --> 0:08:04.720 this man, well I didn't know at the time, had 0:08:04.760 --> 0:08:05.600 a whole fiance. 0:08:07.320 --> 0:08:09.160 She actually ended up marrying him. 0:08:08.960 --> 0:08:12.200 I'm a girl's girl, so I did disclose to her 0:08:12.240 --> 0:08:15.400 what was going on, and she ended up marrying him, 0:08:15.440 --> 0:08:18.360 and he unfortunately left her for another one of his 0:08:18.480 --> 0:08:23.800 several mistresses. I just recently learned that he gave me HPV, 0:08:24.600 --> 0:08:29.880 so kind of navigating that, but you know, it is 0:08:29.920 --> 0:08:30.520 what it is. 0:08:30.600 --> 0:08:31.640 But it happened. 0:08:31.920 --> 0:08:36.679 And I'm a writer, I'm a mental health clinician, so 0:08:36.760 --> 0:08:42.240 I think with that, I have been trying to like 0:08:42.440 --> 0:08:46.000 find the love for him and recognize that he was 0:08:46.080 --> 0:08:48.880 so deeply hurt, and I saw that when we were together, 0:08:49.400 --> 0:08:51.760 and he was so guarded. So I think it just 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:55.480 really speaks to what you shared about that masculine energy 0:08:55.640 --> 0:08:59.240 and how there's so much trauma there and so much 0:09:00.120 --> 0:09:04.760 difficulty with putting up those walls and not allowing themselves 0:09:04.800 --> 0:09:06.679 to be vulnerable and to heal. 0:09:06.880 --> 0:09:09.360 And I can see that in him. 0:09:09.880 --> 0:09:12.840 Will I ever be with him again, Probably not, but 0:09:12.920 --> 0:09:14.360 I can love him from a distance. 0:09:14.800 --> 0:09:17.560 Now. You said that you were in a relationship with 0:09:17.640 --> 0:09:21.240 a man who had a fiance that you didn't know about. 0:09:21.720 --> 0:09:25.920 When you found about the fiance, you spoke to her 0:09:26.360 --> 0:09:28.760 to let her know about your presence. Is that accurate? 0:09:29.400 --> 0:09:32.080 That's well I sent her a Facebook message. 0:09:33.440 --> 0:09:37.440 Yes, that's accurate, And what was your intention in sending 0:09:37.480 --> 0:09:38.520 her that message? 0:09:39.520 --> 0:09:43.520 So I thought about it for I don't know, probably 0:09:43.559 --> 0:09:46.000 a couple of weeks, talked with my friends, and I 0:09:46.160 --> 0:09:51.040 just thought if I was in that situation, if I 0:09:51.160 --> 0:09:53.040 was on the other side of it, I wouldn't want 0:09:53.040 --> 0:09:55.840 to know what was going on. I tried to be 0:09:55.840 --> 0:09:58.320 as thoughtful as I could I was like, look, you 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:01.640 can be mad at me. I I have information you 0:10:01.679 --> 0:10:03.200 don't want to hear, and I hate that I have 0:10:03.280 --> 0:10:06.920 to tell you this. I stopped all contact with him 0:10:07.040 --> 0:10:09.800 after I've found out, and I let her know that too. 0:10:10.559 --> 0:10:13.640 Did you tell him that you were going to tell her? No? 0:10:14.640 --> 0:10:19.800 I did ask him if she knew okay, and he yeah, okay. 0:10:19.880 --> 0:10:22.800 Because I wasn't sure if it was an open relationship 0:10:23.000 --> 0:10:25.439 to you, you know, I was like, I don't. I 0:10:25.480 --> 0:10:27.400 don't know if that's what's going on, but if it is, 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:29.920 you know, please make sure you all are transparent. 0:10:30.000 --> 0:10:31.400 With hows. 0:10:32.960 --> 0:10:37.520 What did you learn about yourself in that relationship? Oh? 0:10:38.559 --> 0:10:42.600 Too many things. I learned that I am. 0:10:43.559 --> 0:10:46.559 I learned that at that time in my life, I 0:10:46.679 --> 0:10:51.440 was looking for someone else to save me, do save 0:10:51.480 --> 0:10:55.800 me from the hurt and the pain that I had experienced. 0:10:57.640 --> 0:11:02.120 I learned that I was to trusting, and I think 0:11:02.160 --> 0:11:06.760 it's important to trust and I can give. I have 0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:11.560 another friend. We're like the Three Musketeers. We were all 0:11:11.600 --> 0:11:14.240 working at the same agency. The woman that introduced me 0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:20.319 to you, that told me, Emily, protect your heart, and 0:11:20.520 --> 0:11:21.920 I do live with a big heart. 0:11:23.200 --> 0:11:24.360 I've always been that way. 0:11:24.400 --> 0:11:27.040 But I think just like learning to trust my intuition 0:11:27.679 --> 0:11:29.640 because there were several red flags. 0:11:29.800 --> 0:11:32.320 Okay, that's what I was going to ask you, because 0:11:32.360 --> 0:11:34.760 you can't be too trusting about it. You can't be 0:11:34.840 --> 0:11:40.720 too trusting. So did you learn did you learn that 0:11:40.800 --> 0:11:45.959 you question doubt or don't trust your intuition? Did you 0:11:46.080 --> 0:11:46.440 learn that? 0:11:46.880 --> 0:11:47.600 I learned that. 0:11:47.720 --> 0:11:50.280 It took me, now, I will say it took me 0:11:50.320 --> 0:11:53.800 a couple other little lessons along the way. But I 0:11:53.840 --> 0:11:56.040 think we're at a place where I'm like, no, my 0:11:56.120 --> 0:12:00.400 intuition is, I'm getting the feeling, and now I'm that 0:12:00.400 --> 0:12:01.680 that is something to be trusted. 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:03.600 What have you learned or why do you think you 0:12:03.720 --> 0:12:08.080 attracted that experience to yourself at this time, at that time? 0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:10.320 It's a great question. 0:12:11.679 --> 0:12:16.680 You got a good answer. I don't know that I do. Well. 0:12:17.040 --> 0:12:21.760 What if let's not complicated. What if you attracted that 0:12:21.880 --> 0:12:27.040 situation or that experience simply to teach yourself that you 0:12:27.200 --> 0:12:31.200 need to or you can trust your intuition? Yes, what if? 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:33.800 I think that's it? 0:12:34.200 --> 0:12:36.680 And then I heard you say will I ever be 0:12:36.840 --> 0:12:39.560 with him again? Probably not? Why is that even on 0:12:39.600 --> 0:12:40.040 the table? 0:12:40.200 --> 0:12:40.320 Oh? 0:12:41.280 --> 0:12:45.120 I don't know, Yeah, I don't know. 0:12:46.080 --> 0:12:49.280 I don't think that can even be a consideration. 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:51.520 Absolutely not. Yeah. 0:12:52.080 --> 0:12:55.400 Yeah, but I will say this though, just because he 0:12:55.640 --> 0:12:59.520 is he's a PhD student and he's doing really incredible work. 0:13:00.400 --> 0:13:01.360 He's a black man. 0:13:02.679 --> 0:13:03.760 Doing work. 0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:07.280 Focused on the I don't want to give too many 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:08.800 details because I don't want to be like. 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:12.840 Well, why why is that any of your business? I 0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:17.760 guess it's not my business. I know it's not. You're right, 0:13:19.120 --> 0:13:22.200 get out of his business, because it sounds to me. 0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:26.320 I could be wrong. I could be very very wrong. 0:13:26.920 --> 0:13:30.160 It does not sound to me like you are complete. 0:13:31.200 --> 0:13:34.840 You still got some hook, some connection. Maybe it's the 0:13:34.920 --> 0:13:37.959 bonding pattern. I don't know, but you know too much 0:13:38.160 --> 0:13:42.839 and you're making too many assessments, and you know if 0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:46.600 you all are not connected with children or property or whatever. 0:13:47.640 --> 0:13:49.240 Bye bye boo. 0:13:49.360 --> 0:13:52.839 Yeah, okay, thank you. You know what I think it is. 0:13:52.960 --> 0:13:56.199 I think because I had you know, I've done a 0:13:56.280 --> 0:13:58.760 lot of my own healing and kind of work through. 0:13:58.600 --> 0:13:59.319 It and let it go. 0:13:59.640 --> 0:14:03.360 And and when I went for my paps near I 0:14:03.400 --> 0:14:06.280 was trying to use my husband insurance benefits before I left. 0:14:06.160 --> 0:14:10.559 The agency, and just I just moved to. 0:14:10.559 --> 0:14:14.720 A different state, and that's when I found found out 0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:17.360 that I had HPV, and I was like, he was 0:14:17.400 --> 0:14:21.040 the only sexual partner I had had within the timeframe 0:14:21.080 --> 0:14:23.240 of my last paps here, So I think it kind 0:14:23.280 --> 0:14:23.760 of research. 0:14:24.200 --> 0:14:27.560 That's where the incompletion is. That's that's it. So they 0:14:27.640 --> 0:14:29.880 left the he left the calling card. Now let me 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:33.600 ask you this, what are you learning about yourself and 0:14:33.640 --> 0:14:37.960 your relationship to your body as it relates to HPV. 0:14:38.920 --> 0:14:41.600 Oh, I don't. 0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:42.600 I don't know yet. 0:14:43.200 --> 0:14:44.560 I'll be very transparent. 0:14:44.720 --> 0:14:49.160 I'm I'm in recovery for anorexia, so there's been a 0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:49.680 whole lot. 0:14:49.960 --> 0:14:53.160 Oh. Yeah, it's about you and your body. It's about 0:14:53.200 --> 0:14:56.800 you and your body. Absolutely. Well, here's here's what I 0:14:56.840 --> 0:14:58.800 can say to you, or what I can what I 0:14:58.800 --> 0:15:02.160 would offer you. And thank you for your courage and 0:15:02.280 --> 0:15:08.680 being so transparent. Thank you for let me share this. Yeah, 0:15:08.920 --> 0:15:13.760 I would really want to invite you to really get 0:15:14.000 --> 0:15:19.360 clear about because if the way you he may have 0:15:19.520 --> 0:15:28.480 violated your trust and your and your love, you violate yourself. Yeah, 0:15:28.720 --> 0:15:35.960 anorexia is definitely a distorted relationship with self. That's what 0:15:36.000 --> 0:15:40.040 it is. And I would encourage you that as you 0:15:40.560 --> 0:15:44.800 continue to recover from that and you continue to develop 0:15:44.840 --> 0:15:49.960 a better relationship with your body that you know the HPV, 0:15:50.280 --> 0:15:53.120 you can raise your frequency high enough that it can't 0:15:53.160 --> 0:15:55.440 even exist. I would tell you to work with this 0:15:56.520 --> 0:16:02.240 to the body, body forgive me. I forgive you body. 0:16:04.320 --> 0:16:10.040 Thank you, body, forgive me for the judgments I have 0:16:10.160 --> 0:16:14.480 of you, the ways that I've treated you, And I 0:16:14.720 --> 0:16:19.920 forgive body, forgive me, and I forgive you body for 0:16:21.560 --> 0:16:27.480 taking on my distortions, my judgments. Whatever all is settled 0:16:27.520 --> 0:16:32.680 between us, work your body. He is definitely a mirror 0:16:32.840 --> 0:16:37.480 reflection of how he would violate you. You have violated yourself. 0:16:38.880 --> 0:16:40.320 I'm glad you're in recovery. 0:16:40.720 --> 0:16:46.520 Yes, it's been a long journey, but I would at 0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:48.800 this point really would rather just say I'm recovered. 0:16:49.480 --> 0:16:53.400 How about I'm delivered. Delivered is a much Yeah, it's 0:16:53.440 --> 0:16:58.280 a much stronger word deliver. And that's probably where that 0:16:58.520 --> 0:17:00.840 connection you still have to hear. I don't know if 0:17:00.840 --> 0:17:03.920 you're peeking over there, looking or listening or whatever. Take 0:17:03.960 --> 0:17:06.560 the focus off of him, put it back on your body. 0:17:07.119 --> 0:17:10.639 Put it back on your body. Yeah, yes, man, thank you, 0:17:11.000 --> 0:17:13.560 Thank you, am I wish you the best. Thank you, 0:17:16.640 --> 0:17:21.000 and tell your friend thank you for introducing us. Oh sure, Well, 0:17:21.359 --> 0:17:26.080 Every relationship that you have is a function, a mirror 0:17:26.640 --> 0:17:30.840 reflection of the relationship that you're having with yourself. I 0:17:30.920 --> 0:17:33.520 don't care who it is, I don't care what it is. 0:17:33.760 --> 0:17:36.720 Sometimes these relationships come from past lives. But that's a 0:17:36.720 --> 0:17:39.359 whole conversation that we can't have right now. So I 0:17:39.359 --> 0:17:44.119 will just say, consider that every relationship you have is 0:17:44.160 --> 0:17:47.400 a function of the relationship that you have in with yourself. 0:17:47.680 --> 0:17:56.000 And we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome 0:17:56.040 --> 0:17:57.000 back to the R spot. 0:17:58.359 --> 0:18:01.359 Tell me your name, beloved, uh Tawana. 0:18:01.760 --> 0:18:06.240 So, over a decade ago, I was married to my 0:18:06.320 --> 0:18:10.359 ex husband. We have a daughter that has autism, so 0:18:10.760 --> 0:18:14.600 he couldn't deal with it and he asked for a divorce. 0:18:16.520 --> 0:18:18.200 We got divorced for two reasons. 0:18:18.280 --> 0:18:21.920 One because he couldn't deal with the situation with our daughter. 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:24.000 And two it was an age. 0:18:24.320 --> 0:18:27.400 What does that mean he couldn't deal with the situation 0:18:27.520 --> 0:18:28.080 with our daughter. 0:18:28.119 --> 0:18:30.680 What does that mean he didn't know how to communicate 0:18:30.760 --> 0:18:31.120 with her. 0:18:31.600 --> 0:18:35.800 We took I took classes, you know, to learn how 0:18:35.840 --> 0:18:38.920 to communicate with her, and she, you know, I got 0:18:38.960 --> 0:18:40.439 her device. 0:18:40.200 --> 0:18:41.960 To communicate with other people. 0:18:42.640 --> 0:18:45.560 I started taking her out into the community because I 0:18:45.600 --> 0:18:48.080 wanted her to learn how to function. That was one 0:18:48.200 --> 0:18:50.720 reason we got a divorce, But the second reason was 0:18:51.280 --> 0:18:54.800 it was an age gap. He was thirteen years older 0:18:54.840 --> 0:18:58.320 than me, and to me, it made me feel like 0:18:58.400 --> 0:19:02.160 he didn't realize that I was growing up. I wasn't 0:19:02.200 --> 0:19:05.320 that little girl that canded do on him for everything. 0:19:06.320 --> 0:19:09.399 So when he asked for a divorce, I said, Okay, 0:19:09.480 --> 0:19:14.560 that's fine. The hurtful partner is I don't understand why 0:19:14.600 --> 0:19:18.879 he's angry with me. 0:19:17.560 --> 0:19:20.320 Because I gave him everything he asked for. 0:19:20.760 --> 0:19:23.680 He didn't get custody, but he has nothing to do 0:19:23.760 --> 0:19:28.760 with our daughter at all. I wanted to understand why 0:19:28.960 --> 0:19:30.919 is he so hurt? 0:19:31.480 --> 0:19:35.720 Why do you care if he's angry? Why do you 0:19:35.800 --> 0:19:36.800 need to understand? 0:19:37.000 --> 0:19:41.240 I mean so much that he's angry with me? Is 0:19:42.359 --> 0:19:43.240 he deals. 0:19:43.040 --> 0:19:45.120 Without Why is that your business? 0:19:45.119 --> 0:19:45.800 Why do you care? 0:19:46.840 --> 0:19:49.960 Well, it's more or less for my daughter's say, because 0:19:50.520 --> 0:19:54.800 I really want her to have a relationship with her dad. 0:19:55.440 --> 0:19:58.320 The man who didn't accept her, the man who didn't 0:19:58.359 --> 0:20:01.520 do the work to learn how to be in relationship 0:20:01.560 --> 0:20:05.000 with his autistic daughter. Is she his only child? 0:20:05.760 --> 0:20:08.040 No, she's not. She's the baby. 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:11.399 The man who was willing to leave his marriage rather 0:20:11.440 --> 0:20:15.240 than adjust himself to the requirements of being a father. 0:20:15.920 --> 0:20:18.760 Why do you want him to have a relationship with her? 0:20:19.200 --> 0:20:23.879 How old is she now? She's twenty five? Okay, okay. 0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:25.359 Does she know him? 0:20:25.880 --> 0:20:27.800 Yeah, she knows him well. 0:20:27.840 --> 0:20:28.280 She is. 0:20:29.920 --> 0:20:32.520 Verbal. She's the severest form of autism. 0:20:32.640 --> 0:20:33.040 It is. 0:20:35.400 --> 0:20:38.280 I guess it's because I feel like sometimes I need 0:20:38.359 --> 0:20:38.879 a break. 0:20:39.080 --> 0:20:42.680 Okay, Well that's a different story now, you know, because 0:20:42.720 --> 0:20:45.520 you said I want to know why he's mad at me, 0:20:46.000 --> 0:20:48.399 that's really not what you want. You want him to 0:20:48.440 --> 0:20:52.080 participate in her life as a father, because that's what 0:20:52.119 --> 0:20:55.360 you had. That's number one. Number two, you want him 0:20:55.359 --> 0:20:58.600 to participate in her life as a parent because that 0:20:58.640 --> 0:21:02.080 would give you a break. So let's tell the truth here, Okay, 0:21:03.000 --> 0:21:07.479 it don't matter, and beloved, the truth is, that's not 0:21:07.520 --> 0:21:12.320 what he's choosing, right and it has nothing to do 0:21:12.400 --> 0:21:16.680 with her or you. That's not what he's choosing. So 0:21:16.720 --> 0:21:20.399 for you to continue to want that, and for you 0:21:20.480 --> 0:21:24.240 to continue to this, you know, yearn for that. When 0:21:24.240 --> 0:21:28.440 it's not twenty five years, he hasn't done it. Cut 0:21:28.480 --> 0:21:32.960 your losses, because when it comes time for him to 0:21:33.040 --> 0:21:35.919 answer for how he lives his life. They're not going 0:21:36.000 --> 0:21:38.520 to ask you what do you think about how he 0:21:38.600 --> 0:21:41.280 lived his life? God, Source Creator is going to hold 0:21:41.359 --> 0:21:44.119 him accountable. You do what you have to do. And 0:21:44.200 --> 0:21:47.359 I know as a parent of an autistic child, it's 0:21:47.359 --> 0:21:50.640 hard to get child care, it's hard to get you know, trust, 0:21:50.760 --> 0:21:53.840 lead the person with somebody that really trusts them. And 0:21:53.880 --> 0:21:56.400 it sounds like you've done what you need to do. 0:21:56.640 --> 0:21:58.800 But I really want to encourage you to stay up, 0:21:59.560 --> 0:21:59.920 go ahead. 0:22:00.480 --> 0:22:05.960 But the good thing is, you know, she we spend 0:22:05.960 --> 0:22:07.240 a lot of time together. 0:22:07.320 --> 0:22:12.520 She still lives with me, and we have a beautiful relationship. 0:22:12.600 --> 0:22:15.719 I not only see her as my daughter, but I 0:22:15.760 --> 0:22:18.879 see her kind of as a little sister, you know. 0:22:20.000 --> 0:22:22.159 And if it wasn't. 0:22:21.960 --> 0:22:25.920 For her, I wouldn't learn how to I wouldn't have 0:22:26.040 --> 0:22:31.679 learned how to love differently. Yeah, because that's a different 0:22:31.760 --> 0:22:34.840 kind of love. And she taught me a lot, you know. 0:22:35.920 --> 0:22:40.360 And you know, just from a place of compassion, I 0:22:40.440 --> 0:22:43.360 asked if she were his only child. You said no. 0:22:44.400 --> 0:22:46.919 I can imagine that as a man who doesn't have 0:22:46.960 --> 0:22:51.960 the maternal instinct, that there may be a sense of 0:22:52.200 --> 0:22:54.560 I don't know this to be true. There may be 0:22:54.600 --> 0:22:59.240 a sense of some sort of failure or defeat. That 0:22:59.440 --> 0:23:02.600 happens often when parents have a child. 0:23:02.720 --> 0:23:04.560 Sometimes he used to be embossed. 0:23:04.640 --> 0:23:08.639 That's his failing. So would you want your daughter to 0:23:08.680 --> 0:23:12.040 be in relationship with a man who's embarrassed of her, 0:23:12.960 --> 0:23:18.520 who is unwilling. Yeah, So from a place of compassion 0:23:19.000 --> 0:23:22.879 for him, I would really want to encourage you to 0:23:22.960 --> 0:23:27.800 take the heat off of requesting, requiring, yearning, desiring that 0:23:27.880 --> 0:23:30.679 he'd be anything other than who he is, which is 0:23:30.720 --> 0:23:31.520 an absent father. 0:23:33.280 --> 0:23:35.840 And I can accept that because of the simple fact 0:23:36.280 --> 0:23:38.720 it's not gonna change how I feel about my baby. 0:23:38.800 --> 0:23:41.080 That's my baby, should always be my baby, and I'm 0:23:41.240 --> 0:23:44.160 always take care of her until I take my last breath. 0:23:44.640 --> 0:23:50.760 You know, it's just you want for her what you had, 0:23:51.240 --> 0:23:55.120 and that may not be on her docket. You want 0:23:55.240 --> 0:23:58.679 for her what you had, a loving relationship with a 0:23:58.760 --> 0:24:02.840 present father. That was your docket, that was your curriculum. 0:24:03.119 --> 0:24:07.399 That's not hers, okay, And so very often as parents 0:24:07.440 --> 0:24:09.600 we want that, we want for our children what we 0:24:09.640 --> 0:24:12.120 didn't have, but it may not be on their docket. 0:24:12.600 --> 0:24:15.639 It may not be in her curriculum. But that's about you. 0:24:15.840 --> 0:24:18.960 Let that go, Let that go, let that go. And 0:24:19.000 --> 0:24:20.520 I don't even know how to tell you to let 0:24:20.560 --> 0:24:22.720 it go. And other than to bless him. 0:24:22.600 --> 0:24:26.040 I pray about it because I'm asking God to help me. 0:24:26.320 --> 0:24:28.119 Let it go. Here, here you go. 0:24:28.400 --> 0:24:30.600 Whatever his name is, let's just say his name is 0:24:30.640 --> 0:24:33.000