Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: art Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: Good afternoon, Good afternoon, Good afternoon, and i am back
Speaker 1: again for a live episode of The art Spot, the
Speaker 1: place we come to talk about relationships. And I've got
Speaker 1: two questions on the floor today. What is the hardest
Speaker 1: lesson you have ever learned about relationshiationships? And how did
Speaker 1: you learn that lesson? What's the hardest lesson you had
Speaker 1: to learn about yourself? About how you do relationships, how
Speaker 1: you go into relationships, what's required in the relationship, and
Speaker 1: what's the best lesson, the thing that is blessed you
Speaker 1: the best? How you behave in relationships, how you leave
Speaker 1: a relationship. We want to talk about that right here
Speaker 1: live on the our Spot. You can come up on
Speaker 1: the screen with me, or you can put it in
Speaker 1: the comments and I'll read it. If you've got a question,
Speaker 1: I'll answer it. We did this about two weeks ago
Speaker 1: and we had just a really, really good time. What
Speaker 1: is the hardest lesson you've ever learned in relationships? We
Speaker 1: want to know about that here on the our spot,
Speaker 1: because this is the place that we come to learn
Speaker 1: about all things relationships. All things do we mean only
Speaker 1: romantic relationships or all relationships? Well, at the spot we
Speaker 1: talk about all relationships. You have to do the work.
Speaker 1: Boundaries are important. Absolutely, absolutely, I can't change the other person. Godlee,
Speaker 1: who's tried to change somebody in the relationship? And how
Speaker 1: do you realize you can't do it? How do I
Speaker 1: keep my marriage when my husband got a thirty year
Speaker 1: old pregnant? Well, what's more relevant that she's thirty or
Speaker 1: that she's pregnant? And how old is your husband? I
Speaker 1: don't know how you keep that together? Do you want
Speaker 1: to keep it together? What do we do when we
Speaker 1: find out that our partner, a husband, particularly a husband
Speaker 1: or a wife is cheating. That's another question we want
Speaker 1: to deal with right here on the relationship. Letting go
Speaker 1: is the hardest thing. Absolutely, letting go is the hardest thing.
Speaker 1: Why why is it so hard? Why do we have
Speaker 1: such a difficult time saying well, that's done? Next? Because
Speaker 1: you're in a place to move forward. Doesn't mean others are.
Speaker 1: We can't do the work for others. Okay, I cannot
Speaker 1: love someone into loving you. Wow, that's powerful. Thank you
Speaker 1: for that, Thank you for that. Boundaries, Boundaries, boundaries, that's
Speaker 1: the hardest thing. Now, what do we mean about a boundary?
Speaker 1: And how do you make a distinction between a boundary
Speaker 1: and a wall? Because some of us we set up walls,
Speaker 1: or we set up demands, We set up things that
Speaker 1: we absolutely hold and hold the other person to it.
Speaker 1: And what do you do when a person doesn't align
Speaker 1: with your boundaries? What do you do? Do you just
Speaker 1: let the whole relationship go? All right? I know you're
Speaker 1: out there, welcome to the r spot. I had to
Speaker 1: love my father where he was. Yes, just had that
Speaker 1: conversation with somebody. Here's something that I think we need
Speaker 1: to own. And I'm just putting this out there. I'm please.
Speaker 1: If you're a man and you have a different approach,
Speaker 1: a different opinion, I want to hear from you. I
Speaker 1: find in relationships in general, in life that men have
Speaker 1: a difficult time asking for help, accepting help, or admitting
Speaker 1: when they need help. They have a difficult time asking
Speaker 1: for help receiving help even when you offer it, or
Speaker 1: admitting that they need help, because I think in the
Speaker 1: masculine socialization, people come up with asking for help is
Speaker 1: weak men men asking for help is weak, or maybe
Speaker 1: they ask for help and we're considered weak. I don't know.
Speaker 1: If you're a man, come talk to me and let's
Speaker 1: forget this thing out. I have to give my person
Speaker 1: grace I expect for them. You have to give someone
Speaker 1: the same amount of grace or the same amount of compassion,
Speaker 1: because we don't really have grace. We can't give grace.
Speaker 1: Only God can give grace. Communicate is literally everything. It
Speaker 1: will make or break. What do you mean by communicate?
Speaker 1: What do you mean by that? Because your definition of
Speaker 1: communication may be very very different in someone else's definition
Speaker 1: of communication. Blessings to it afternoon. I learned being with
Speaker 1: my wife twenty seven years. I realized they are different
Speaker 1: versions of her I have met, and I'm so happy
Speaker 1: we had those hard days to make these great days
Speaker 1: ahead as you grow. I love that. Thank you twenty
Speaker 1: seven years. Different aspects of her, and just know this,
Speaker 1: there are different aspects of you too. You can help
Speaker 1: a narcissist change. That's a statement. If I'm not happy
Speaker 1: after trying everything to make it work, it's okay to leave.
Speaker 1: I have to stop saying so long, knowing it's not
Speaker 1: working and not going to work. When is enough enough?
Speaker 1: That's the question? When is enough enough? That's another question.
Speaker 1: We can put that on the board. When is enough enough?
Speaker 1: Relationships is about production? What are we producing? I can
Speaker 1: hear that, So let me ask you a question. Relationships
Speaker 1: are about production. What's the distinction between production and transactions?
Speaker 1: Because so very often we get into these transactional relationships accountability. Listen,
Speaker 1: y'all can't give me these one word answers. What's the
Speaker 1: hardest thing you've learned in relationship accountability? Who's yours? Theirs?
Speaker 1: How you hold somebody accountable? The hardest lesson was what
Speaker 1: I allow will continue? That's a good one. The hardest
Speaker 1: lesson is what I allow will continue? We got a
Speaker 1: question here, delete report. Let me just see what if
Speaker 1: I have everything in my relationship except the sex? What
Speaker 1: about it? Whoo? You know they say that sex is
Speaker 1: only ten percent of a relationship, but it's very important
Speaker 1: ten percent. So let me ask you, are you willing
Speaker 1: to live the rest of your life in this relationship
Speaker 1: with things exactly as they are? Are you willing to
Speaker 1: do that? So if you're not, then you've got a
Speaker 1: choice to make. How long do you keep a relationship
Speaker 1: that you know has an expectation date to it romantic
Speaker 1: or friendship? I think you mean expiration and expiration date?
Speaker 1: How long do you keep a relationship?
Speaker 2: How are you my love?
Speaker 1: Yeah, you got a question you want to bring to
Speaker 1: the R spot today.
Speaker 2: I just wanted to share that.
Speaker 3: You know, I think one of the greatest lessons I
Speaker 3: learned is to love myself and I know that I'm
Speaker 3: always my first priority. And I so a couple of
Speaker 3: years years ago, I was in like a situationship with
Speaker 3: this man, well I didn't know at the time, had
Speaker 3: a whole fiance.
Speaker 2: She actually ended up marrying him.
Speaker 3: I'm a girl's girl, so I did disclose to her
Speaker 3: what was going on, and she ended up marrying him,
Speaker 3: and he unfortunately left her for another one of his
Speaker 3: several mistresses. I just recently learned that he gave me HPV,
Speaker 3: so kind of navigating that, but you know, it is
Speaker 3: what it is.
Speaker 2: But it happened.
Speaker 3: And I'm a writer, I'm a mental health clinician, so
Speaker 3: I think with that, I have been trying to like
Speaker 3: find the love for him and recognize that he was
Speaker 3: so deeply hurt, and I saw that when we were together,
Speaker 3: and he was so guarded. So I think it just
Speaker 3: really speaks to what you shared about that masculine energy
Speaker 3: and how there's so much trauma there and so much
Speaker 3: difficulty with putting up those walls and not allowing themselves
Speaker 3: to be vulnerable and to heal.
Speaker 2: And I can see that in him.
Speaker 3: Will I ever be with him again, Probably not, but
Speaker 3: I can love him from a distance.
Speaker 1: Now. You said that you were in a relationship with
Speaker 1: a man who had a fiance that you didn't know about.
Speaker 1: When you found about the fiance, you spoke to her
Speaker 1: to let her know about your presence. Is that accurate?
Speaker 3: That's well I sent her a Facebook message.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's accurate, And what was your intention in sending
Speaker 1: her that message?
Speaker 3: So I thought about it for I don't know, probably
Speaker 3: a couple of weeks, talked with my friends, and I
Speaker 3: just thought if I was in that situation, if I
Speaker 3: was on the other side of it, I wouldn't want
Speaker 3: to know what was going on. I tried to be
Speaker 3: as thoughtful as I could I was like, look, you
Speaker 3: can be mad at me. I I have information you
Speaker 3: don't want to hear, and I hate that I have
Speaker 3: to tell you this. I stopped all contact with him
Speaker 3: after I've found out, and I let her know that too.
Speaker 1: Did you tell him that you were going to tell her? No?
Speaker 3: I did ask him if she knew okay, and he yeah, okay.
Speaker 3: Because I wasn't sure if it was an open relationship
Speaker 3: to you, you know, I was like, I don't. I
Speaker 3: don't know if that's what's going on, but if it is,
Speaker 3: you know, please make sure you all are transparent.
Speaker 2: With hows.
Speaker 1: What did you learn about yourself in that relationship? Oh?
Speaker 2: Too many things. I learned that I am.
Speaker 3: I learned that at that time in my life, I
Speaker 3: was looking for someone else to save me, do save
Speaker 3: me from the hurt and the pain that I had experienced.
Speaker 3: I learned that I was to trusting, and I think
Speaker 3: it's important to trust and I can give. I have
Speaker 3: another friend. We're like the Three Musketeers. We were all
Speaker 3: working at the same agency. The woman that introduced me
Speaker 3: to you, that told me, Emily, protect your heart, and
Speaker 3: I do live with a big heart.
Speaker 2: I've always been that way.
Speaker 3: But I think just like learning to trust my intuition
Speaker 3: because there were several red flags.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's what I was going to ask you, because
Speaker 1: you can't be too trusting about it. You can't be
Speaker 1: too trusting. So did you learn did you learn that
Speaker 1: you question doubt or don't trust your intuition? Did you
Speaker 1: learn that?
Speaker 2: I learned that.
Speaker 3: It took me, now, I will say it took me
Speaker 3: a couple other little lessons along the way. But I
Speaker 3: think we're at a place where I'm like, no, my
Speaker 3: intuition is, I'm getting the feeling, and now I'm that
Speaker 3: that is something to be trusted.
Speaker 1: What have you learned or why do you think you
Speaker 1: attracted that experience to yourself at this time, at that time?
Speaker 2: It's a great question.
Speaker 1: You got a good answer. I don't know that I do. Well.
Speaker 1: What if let's not complicated. What if you attracted that
Speaker 1: situation or that experience simply to teach yourself that you
Speaker 1: need to or you can trust your intuition? Yes, what if?
Speaker 3: I think that's it?
Speaker 1: And then I heard you say will I ever be
Speaker 1: with him again? Probably not? Why is that even on
Speaker 1: the table?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 2: I don't know, Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't think that can even be a consideration.
Speaker 2: Absolutely not. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I will say this though, just because he
Speaker 3: is he's a PhD student and he's doing really incredible work.
Speaker 1: He's a black man.
Speaker 2: Doing work.
Speaker 3: Focused on the I don't want to give too many
Speaker 3: details because I don't want to be like.
Speaker 1: Well, why why is that any of your business? I
Speaker 1: guess it's not my business. I know it's not. You're right,
Speaker 1: get out of his business, because it sounds to me.
Speaker 1: I could be wrong. I could be very very wrong.
Speaker 1: It does not sound to me like you are complete.
Speaker 1: You still got some hook, some connection. Maybe it's the
Speaker 1: bonding pattern. I don't know, but you know too much
Speaker 1: and you're making too many assessments, and you know if
Speaker 1: you all are not connected with children or property or whatever.
Speaker 1: Bye bye boo.
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, thank you. You know what I think it is.
Speaker 3: I think because I had you know, I've done a
Speaker 3: lot of my own healing and kind of work through.
Speaker 2: It and let it go.
Speaker 3: And and when I went for my paps near I
Speaker 3: was trying to use my husband insurance benefits before I left.
Speaker 2: The agency, and just I just moved to.
Speaker 3: A different state, and that's when I found found out
Speaker 3: that I had HPV, and I was like, he was
Speaker 3: the only sexual partner I had had within the timeframe
Speaker 3: of my last paps here, So I think it kind
Speaker 3: of research.
Speaker 1: That's where the incompletion is. That's that's it. So they
Speaker 1: left the he left the calling card. Now let me
Speaker 1: ask you this, what are you learning about yourself and
Speaker 1: your relationship to your body as it relates to HPV.
Speaker 2: Oh, I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't know yet.
Speaker 2: I'll be very transparent.
Speaker 3: I'm I'm in recovery for anorexia, so there's been a
Speaker 3: whole lot.
Speaker 1: Oh. Yeah, it's about you and your body. It's about
Speaker 1: you and your body. Absolutely. Well, here's here's what I
Speaker 1: can say to you, or what I can what I
Speaker 1: would offer you. And thank you for your courage and
Speaker 1: being so transparent. Thank you for let me share this. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I would really want to invite you to really get
Speaker 1: clear about because if the way you he may have
Speaker 1: violated your trust and your and your love, you violate yourself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: anorexia is definitely a distorted relationship with self. That's what
Speaker 1: it is. And I would encourage you that as you
Speaker 1: continue to recover from that and you continue to develop
Speaker 1: a better relationship with your body that you know the HPV,
Speaker 1: you can raise your frequency high enough that it can't
Speaker 1: even exist. I would tell you to work with this
Speaker 1: to the body, body forgive me. I forgive you body.
Speaker 1: Thank you, body, forgive me for the judgments I have
Speaker 1: of you, the ways that I've treated you, And I
Speaker 1: forgive body, forgive me, and I forgive you body for
Speaker 1: taking on my distortions, my judgments. Whatever all is settled
Speaker 1: between us, work your body. He is definitely a mirror
Speaker 1: reflection of how he would violate you. You have violated yourself.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you're in recovery.
Speaker 3: Yes, it's been a long journey, but I would at
Speaker 3: this point really would rather just say I'm recovered.
Speaker 1: How about I'm delivered. Delivered is a much Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: a much stronger word deliver. And that's probably where that
Speaker 1: connection you still have to hear. I don't know if
Speaker 1: you're peeking over there, looking or listening or whatever. Take
Speaker 1: the focus off of him, put it back on your body.
Speaker 1: Put it back on your body. Yeah, yes, man, thank you,
Speaker 1: Thank you, am I wish you the best. Thank you,
Speaker 1: and tell your friend thank you for introducing us. Oh sure, Well,
Speaker 1: Every relationship that you have is a function, a mirror
Speaker 1: reflection of the relationship that you're having with yourself. I
Speaker 1: don't care who it is, I don't care what it is.
Speaker 1: Sometimes these relationships come from past lives. But that's a
Speaker 1: whole conversation that we can't have right now. So I
Speaker 1: will just say, consider that every relationship you have is
Speaker 1: a function of the relationship that you have in with yourself.
Speaker 5: And we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome
Speaker 5: back to the R spot.
Speaker 1: Tell me your name, beloved, uh Tawana.
Speaker 6: So, over a decade ago, I was married to my
Speaker 6: ex husband. We have a daughter that has autism, so
Speaker 6: he couldn't deal with it and he asked for a divorce.
Speaker 2: We got divorced for two reasons.
Speaker 6: One because he couldn't deal with the situation with our daughter.
Speaker 2: And two it was an age.
Speaker 1: What does that mean he couldn't deal with the situation
Speaker 1: with our daughter.
Speaker 2: What does that mean he didn't know how to communicate
Speaker 2: with her.
Speaker 6: We took I took classes, you know, to learn how
Speaker 6: to communicate with her, and she, you know, I got
Speaker 6: her device.
Speaker 2: To communicate with other people.
Speaker 6: I started taking her out into the community because I
Speaker 6: wanted her to learn how to function. That was one
Speaker 6: reason we got a divorce, But the second reason was
Speaker 6: it was an age gap. He was thirteen years older
Speaker 6: than me, and to me, it made me feel like
Speaker 6: he didn't realize that I was growing up. I wasn't
Speaker 6: that little girl that canded do on him for everything.
Speaker 6: So when he asked for a divorce, I said, Okay,
Speaker 6: that's fine. The hurtful partner is I don't understand why
Speaker 6: he's angry with me.
Speaker 2: Because I gave him everything he asked for.
Speaker 6: He didn't get custody, but he has nothing to do
Speaker 6: with our daughter at all. I wanted to understand why
Speaker 6: is he so hurt?
Speaker 1: Why do you care if he's angry? Why do you
Speaker 1: need to understand?
Speaker 2: I mean so much that he's angry with me? Is
Speaker 2: he deals.
Speaker 1: Without Why is that your business?
Speaker 2: Why do you care?
Speaker 6: Well, it's more or less for my daughter's say, because
Speaker 6: I really want her to have a relationship with her dad.
Speaker 1: The man who didn't accept her, the man who didn't
Speaker 1: do the work to learn how to be in relationship
Speaker 1: with his autistic daughter. Is she his only child?
Speaker 2: No, she's not. She's the baby.
Speaker 1: The man who was willing to leave his marriage rather
Speaker 1: than adjust himself to the requirements of being a father.
Speaker 1: Why do you want him to have a relationship with her?
Speaker 1: How old is she now? She's twenty five? Okay, okay.
Speaker 1: Does she know him?
Speaker 2: Yeah, she knows him well.
Speaker 4: She is.
Speaker 2: Verbal. She's the severest form of autism.
Speaker 4: It is.
Speaker 6: I guess it's because I feel like sometimes I need
Speaker 6: a break.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well that's a different story now, you know, because
Speaker 1: you said I want to know why he's mad at me,
Speaker 1: that's really not what you want. You want him to
Speaker 1: participate in her life as a father, because that's what
Speaker 1: you had. That's number one. Number two, you want him
Speaker 1: to participate in her life as a parent because that
Speaker 1: would give you a break. So let's tell the truth here, Okay,
Speaker 1: it don't matter, and beloved, the truth is, that's not
Speaker 1: what he's choosing, right and it has nothing to do
Speaker 1: with her or you. That's not what he's choosing. So
Speaker 1: for you to continue to want that, and for you
Speaker 1: to continue to this, you know, yearn for that. When
Speaker 1: it's not twenty five years, he hasn't done it. Cut
Speaker 1: your losses, because when it comes time for him to
Speaker 1: answer for how he lives his life. They're not going
Speaker 1: to ask you what do you think about how he
Speaker 1: lived his life? God, Source Creator is going to hold
Speaker 1: him accountable. You do what you have to do. And
Speaker 1: I know as a parent of an autistic child, it's
Speaker 1: hard to get child care, it's hard to get you know, trust,
Speaker 1: lead the person with somebody that really trusts them. And
Speaker 1: it sounds like you've done what you need to do.
Speaker 1: But I really want to encourage you to stay up,
Speaker 1: go ahead.
Speaker 2: But the good thing is, you know, she we spend
Speaker 2: a lot of time together.
Speaker 6: She still lives with me, and we have a beautiful relationship.
Speaker 6: I not only see her as my daughter, but I
Speaker 6: see her kind of as a little sister, you know.
Speaker 2: And if it wasn't.
Speaker 6: For her, I wouldn't learn how to I wouldn't have
Speaker 6: learned how to love differently. Yeah, because that's a different
Speaker 6: kind of love. And she taught me a lot, you know.
Speaker 1: And you know, just from a place of compassion, I
Speaker 1: asked if she were his only child. You said no.
Speaker 1: I can imagine that as a man who doesn't have
Speaker 1: the maternal instinct, that there may be a sense of
Speaker 1: I don't know this to be true. There may be
Speaker 1: a sense of some sort of failure or defeat. That
Speaker 1: happens often when parents have a child.
Speaker 2: Sometimes he used to be embossed.
Speaker 1: That's his failing. So would you want your daughter to
Speaker 1: be in relationship with a man who's embarrassed of her,
Speaker 1: who is unwilling. Yeah, So from a place of compassion
Speaker 1: for him, I would really want to encourage you to
Speaker 1: take the heat off of requesting, requiring, yearning, desiring that
Speaker 1: he'd be anything other than who he is, which is
Speaker 1: an absent father.
Speaker 6: And I can accept that because of the simple fact
Speaker 6: it's not gonna change how I feel about my baby.
Speaker 6: That's my baby, should always be my baby, and I'm
Speaker 6: always take care of her until I take my last breath.
Speaker 1: You know, it's just you want for her what you had,
Speaker 1: and that may not be on her docket. You want
Speaker 1: for her what you had, a loving relationship with a
Speaker 1: present father. That was your docket, that was your curriculum.
Speaker 1: That's not hers, okay, And so very often as parents
Speaker 1: we want that, we want for our children what we
Speaker 1: didn't have, but it may not be on their docket.
Speaker 1: It may not be in her curriculum. But that's about you.
Speaker 1: Let that go, Let that go, let that go. And
Speaker 1: I don't even know how to tell you to let
Speaker 1: it go. And other than to bless him.
Speaker 2: I pray about it because I'm asking God to help me.
Speaker 2: Let it go. Here, here you go.
Speaker 1: Whatever his name is, let's just say his name is
Speaker 1: Boo Boo, Boo Boo the fool, but we won't call
Speaker 1: him the full part. Okay, Boo Boo. I love you,
Speaker 1: and I am so so so sorry that you cannot
Speaker 1: be here for your daughter and for any judgments I've
Speaker 1: placed on you about that. Please forgive me. Thank you,
Speaker 1: Boo Boo. I love you, and I am so so
Speaker 1: sorry that you are disappointed in who our daughter is
Speaker 1: in any way that I contribut to that. I ask
Speaker 1: you to forgive me. Thank you. It's called the hope
Speaker 1: of no process where you say I love you. I'm
Speaker 1: so sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you
Speaker 1: because you do love him. He is a part of
Speaker 1: your life.
Speaker 2: I said, you know what I said, thank you. I said,
Speaker 2: I love you.
Speaker 6: I said I appreciate the gift that you you gave me,
Speaker 6: which is my door, and I'm good with that.
Speaker 1: That's not true, beloved, Please forgive me, Please forgive me, Please,
Speaker 1: forgive me, Please forgive me. You're not You're not good
Speaker 1: with it. You're not you're not. You here on the
Speaker 1: social media asking me to help you figure out why
Speaker 1: he's angry. You're not good with it. You're not, and
Speaker 1: that's okay. Give yourself permission not to be good with it,
Speaker 1: but give yourself permission to to do some other things
Speaker 1: that are that will get you through it. Let me
Speaker 1: ask your question, since you're divorce, how long you've been divorced? Oh?
Speaker 1: But that okay, you gotta you gotta boo. You got
Speaker 1: a sweetie? No, okay, you need one. You need a look,
Speaker 1: you need a little nookie, I know. Okay, it's hard
Speaker 1: and he's out being nookified, getting all the nookie he want.
Speaker 1: And there you are with your daughter that you love
Speaker 1: and and you know you're a special person because God
Speaker 1: doesn't give that responsibility to everybody. So it tells me
Speaker 1: you have the heart. It tells me you have the willingness.
Speaker 1: But it's hard and he's out getting nookified. You ain't
Speaker 1: had no nookie since Jesus loved Chicago. And you're telling
Speaker 1: me you are right with it. You ain't alright with it, Okay,
Speaker 1: so we need to pray a different prayer. We got
Speaker 1: to pray a different prayer. First of all, God, I
Speaker 1: need some nookie, okay, I need I need a peace.
Speaker 1: I need a peace. Help me, Lord, I need it.
Speaker 1: That's number one. Number two, I am open and willing.
Speaker 1: I need a companion, a partner, a friend who's willing
Speaker 1: to be with me as I give loving care to
Speaker 1: my daughter. Listen, totally surrender. Totally surrender, and tell you know,
Speaker 1: one of the reasons our prayers don't get answers is
Speaker 1: because we don't pray a truth. We don't pray truthfully.
Speaker 1: We pray what we think sounds good and right, as
Speaker 1: if God's source creator doesn't know the truth. You know
Speaker 1: this is hard, baby, You've been doing this for twenty
Speaker 1: five years. And I promise you there is a partner
Speaker 1: out there. There is an open hearted, God centered, kind,
Speaker 1: loving man that will stand with you and that can
Speaker 1: be there for your daughter so that she can experience
Speaker 1: that balance there is. But you got to get Boo
Speaker 1: Boo to fool out your heart, out your mind. You
Speaker 1: got your hopes on him to file. Boo Boo is
Speaker 1: not gonna show up. No to file, Okay, forgot it.
Speaker 1: Pray that prayer. Pray that prayer. Tell God the truth,
Speaker 1: Tell him you're tired, Tell him this is hard, Tell
Speaker 1: him you need help. Tell him, tell him the truth
Speaker 1: and how you feel, and ask for the help that
Speaker 1: you really really want. Because boo boo, boo boo. Ain't it? Okay, Yes, ma'am,
Speaker 1: thank you for your courage. Good luck to you and
Speaker 1: your daughter. Okay, bye bye. Yeah. Listen, beloved, we gotta
Speaker 1: pray the truth. Don't try to impress God's source, Creator,
Speaker 1: Holy Mother, whoever you praying to with your good, flowery words.
Speaker 1: God knows your heart. Pray what you really want. God,
Speaker 1: this is terrible, I feel bad whatever, and this is
Speaker 1: what I need. I need some nookie and I need
Speaker 1: a partner, and I need some help. But if you pray,
Speaker 1: Oh God, teach me how she don't forgive it. And
Speaker 1: I'm having a hard time with him too. We'll talk
Speaker 1: about that when we come back. Welcome back to the
Speaker 1: R spot. Good afternoon, my darling.
Speaker 2: Tell me your name Arisa John So.
Speaker 7: About two years ago I got out of a relationship
Speaker 7: and he thought and said, my new relationship.
Speaker 2: I believe I manifested the man of my dreams.
Speaker 8: We got together, things were good and also I thought
Speaker 8: we ended up having a child. After having my child,
Speaker 8: I found out that he stepped out on me during
Speaker 8: my pregnancy, and of course our relationship went downhill after that.
Speaker 2: Decided to try to make it work. I told him,
Speaker 2: of course, it's going to be hard to rebuild trust
Speaker 2: once it's destroyed.
Speaker 8: Long story shorts, and he lacked reassurance.
Speaker 7: Our relationship never got back to where it was. Instead,
Speaker 7: it started to demolish it. More recently, we went to
Speaker 7: Girl Home My Hand where I met your person.
Speaker 2: I've always known about you all my life.
Speaker 8: But we went to the Girl Hold My Hands and
Speaker 8: the Awakening, and I thought that, you know, that would
Speaker 8: awaken our relationship.
Speaker 7: Things like that I get us back to where we
Speaker 7: need to to have a healthy relationship. Instead, after I
Speaker 7: came home, I awakened the enemy and our relationship ended.
Speaker 8: It ended about a month ago, and since our relationship ended, after.
Speaker 2: He moved out, he has not checked on our child.
Speaker 2: He became a totally different person.
Speaker 7: So the person I thought I and a totally different
Speaker 7: person that it is. And him, now, yeah here you are,
Speaker 7: Now how old are you?
Speaker 1: My love with a baby and all your dreams are shattered, right, yeah,
Speaker 1: and that makes you sad? Yeah, yes, yeah, So what
Speaker 1: is it that you really want to know? What is
Speaker 1: it that you really want?
Speaker 7: What is inside of me that keep on attracting people
Speaker 7: are not for you?
Speaker 1: Well, he was for you for that time. He was
Speaker 1: for you for that time, And maybe what he came
Speaker 1: to you for was so that your son. Is it
Speaker 1: a son? I don't know why I think that's a son.
Speaker 1: Why son could come forward? Maybe that's why he came
Speaker 1: to you. But but you said a couple of things
Speaker 1: that I just want us to scratch out a little bit. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: you said the man of my dreams. I thought I
Speaker 1: had found a man of my dreams. What was the dream?
Speaker 2: Somebody that would canted to me, gives me a faction,
Speaker 2: give me that, give me that soft life.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and what else?
Speaker 2: Somebody I can trust that's loyal, communicate.
Speaker 1: How About somebody that has a good relationship with themselves
Speaker 1: and with the God or their understanding. How About somebody
Speaker 1: that has a deep sense of integrity that they won't violate.
Speaker 1: How About somebody a man who's accountable to somebody other
Speaker 1: than himselves. How about somebody who's ready and willing to
Speaker 1: be fully committed to a relationship. Was that a part
Speaker 1: of the dream. It was that ain't what you spoke,
Speaker 1: and that ain't what you got. So one of two
Speaker 1: things happen. Either you didn't speak it clearly, or you
Speaker 1: spoke it and didn't believe you could have it. Because
Speaker 1: only thing we attract in life are the things that
Speaker 1: we believe we deserve. Now that part of us that
Speaker 1: believes we deserve it may be unconscious. It may be unconscious,
Speaker 1: it may be in the back of your mind. I
Speaker 1: want this, I want that, but I don't know if
Speaker 1: I could have that. I want this, I want this,
Speaker 1: but there ain't no good men out there. I want this,
Speaker 1: I want that, but I never had it before. I
Speaker 1: want this, I want that. I don't want them to
Speaker 1: be like the other one. We have a whole script
Speaker 1: running in our subconscious mind that creates the energy that
Speaker 1: we attract. You said you went into this relationship after
Speaker 1: a very bad relationship. Did you do did you do
Speaker 1: complete forgiveness work on the other relationship? Wow? There you go.
Speaker 1: So you had you have pollution in your heart. This
Speaker 1: is not your fault. I'm not blaming you, but I
Speaker 1: want you to understand how this happened. Everything comes in
Speaker 1: your life by invitation of the energy that you carry.
Speaker 1: I could almost guarantee, I could almost guarantee either mommy,
Speaker 1: I mean either daddy or somebody early in your life
Speaker 1: betrayed you, They left you, they hurt you early in
Speaker 1: your life. Who would that be?
Speaker 7: My dad?
Speaker 1: There you go? Have you forgiven him? That would be
Speaker 1: an That would be enough. Let me ask you a question,
Speaker 1: because you got a lot, You got a lot going on,
Speaker 1: and you are here's my thing for you my life.
Speaker 1: You are raising somebody's husband and somebody's father. That that
Speaker 1: young man that you're raising, he's going to be somebody's
Speaker 1: husband and somebody's father, and he needs you as whole
Speaker 1: as possible. Where do you live below? Do you have
Speaker 1: somebody that can keep the baby for the weekend?
Speaker 2: Yeah, happened, nanny?
Speaker 1: You do?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 1: On November second, I want you to come to Maryland.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you why. On November second, myself and
Speaker 1: one of my faculty members, we are doing a forgiveness
Speaker 1: healing session. This ain't play play. This is getting there
Speaker 1: and clean this stuff out for the final time. I
Speaker 1: want to do that for you, because you're raising somebody
Speaker 1: husband and somebody's father, and the sadness and the hurt
Speaker 1: that you're carrying is going to impact him. So here's
Speaker 1: my deal to you. You're gonna send me an email
Speaker 1: customer at a yamla dot com. If you can get
Speaker 1: to Maryland. I will gift you the workshop. You got
Speaker 1: to get here, though, that'll be your investment. You got
Speaker 1: to get here Saturday, November two. I don't care you
Speaker 1: can get here by air, aplane, across the water. I
Speaker 1: don't care how you get here. I don't care how
Speaker 1: you get here. Just get here if you can. If
Speaker 1: you can get here, I will gift you the workshop
Speaker 1: so that you can be a participant in this healing
Speaker 1: forgiveness ceremony. Now she's doing a class online for six weeks,
Speaker 1: but I know with the baby, you might not have
Speaker 1: the time get to Maryland. Send me an email customer
Speaker 1: at yamla dot com. I'm gonna gift you the workshop
Speaker 1: to come and do this for given this word clean
Speaker 1: off your slate so that you can have a new beginning.
Speaker 1: I can't leave you there raising that baby because this
Speaker 1: sadness and this belief and this betrayal. It dates all
Speaker 1: the way back to your daddy. Yeah. And you know what,
Speaker 1: my love, You're not alone. I promise you. There are
Speaker 1: hundreds of thousands of other women out there and men.
Speaker 1: We never think that men get portrayed and hurt, but
Speaker 1: they do. Okay, will you do that? I want you.
Speaker 1: I want you to commit to me that you're coming
Speaker 1: to Maryland on November two. I want to hear that
Speaker 1: comm I'm coming to Maryland on November second. Okay, you
Speaker 1: send me the email. We'll give you all the details
Speaker 1: about the All of y'all can come if you want to, Okay,
Speaker 1: But I'm gifting it to her. I don't want her
Speaker 1: money to be a reason. If she can get here,
Speaker 1: she can have the workshop. Okay. And in the meantime,
Speaker 1: here's your assignment. In the meantime until you get to
Speaker 1: me in Maryland on November two, every time you think
Speaker 1: of something that hurts you, write it down on a
Speaker 1: piece of paper and bring me the whole pad, the
Speaker 1: whole book when you come. Okay, this hurt me, that
Speaker 1: hurt me, He hurt me. Blah blah blah. Because what
Speaker 1: you got going on is too much to unpack. Right here,
Speaker 1: we don't have to deal. Let's clean it up, let's
Speaker 1: heal it, let's eliminate it. You willing, Sam. Okay, somebody
Speaker 1: said that you can stay with them in Maryland. Listen,
Speaker 1: you can come in Saturday morning, leave out Saturday night.
Speaker 1: There's a little hotel nearby. We'll give you all the details. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's my gift to you. That's my gift to you.
Speaker 1: Write me customer at a yamla dot com.
Speaker 2: So right now, all.
Speaker 1: Right, because I'm gonna make sure you raise a good
Speaker 1: father and a good husband. Okay, love you baby, Thank
Speaker 1: you for writing me. Thank you. Yeah, listen, put that
Speaker 1: on the calendar your November two in Maryland, I'm doing
Speaker 1: a forgiveness healing. It's a healing session Saturday, November second.
Speaker 1: You can write me at Iyamla at yamla dot com,
Speaker 1: customer at yonmla dot com. We can send you all
Speaker 1: the details. I believe it's up on the workshop. Myself
Speaker 1: and Kim Kennedy, who is a radical forgiveness Master. She's
Speaker 1: a radical forgiveness Master. Sandy, I'm accepting your invitation. She's
Speaker 1: a radical forgiveness Master. We are doing a forgiveness healing
Speaker 1: ceremony ritual. Now, if you want to take the class
Speaker 1: Radical Forgiveness, it just started. It's a six week class.
Speaker 1: You don't have to take the class to come to
Speaker 1: the workshop. But if you take the class and then
Speaker 1: come to the workshop, baby, you're gonna have it going on, okay,
Speaker 1: because forgiveness is the ticket. That's it. Forgiveness is everything,
Speaker 1: right now?
Speaker 2: Ray or I yeah, you got it right, it's real.
Speaker 1: Or what would you like to bring to the table
Speaker 1: to the art spot today?
Speaker 4: A little bit similar to the previous lady, I'm you're
Speaker 4: coming out of a nine year relationship nine years with
Speaker 4: nine years, yes, ma'am, with a guy you know, and uh,
Speaker 4: you know, we came together. It's what I guess. This
Speaker 4: is what they call like our traumas came together and
Speaker 4: so it was a trauma relationship, and so it was.
Speaker 1: A wound ship. Those are called wound ships where your
Speaker 1: bonding patterns brought you all together in order to heal.
Speaker 1: But if you didn't heal the bonding patterns and release them,
Speaker 1: it's not good. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And I mean I learned so much about myself.
Speaker 1: Tell me, tell me, tell me what you learned?
Speaker 4: You know, a lot of stuff stems from our parents.
Speaker 4: You know my parents, you know, they split, you know,
Speaker 4: when we were young. But I learned that I have
Speaker 4: a lot of passive aggressiveness characteristic and I'm one that
Speaker 4: I shut down when somebody when I feel threatened, and
Speaker 4: you know I will. I'm a runner too, I run
Speaker 4: and I you know, I'm that kind of person avoidance. Yeah,
Speaker 4: I have that avoidance personality.
Speaker 1: What what bonded you? What?
Speaker 4: I guess I just needed somebody. I need a stability.
Speaker 4: I was very unstable and he was kind of the
Speaker 4: rock you know that I needed. But I guess with
Speaker 4: that because he was now he's nine years older than me,
Speaker 4: and so with that, I guess I don't know if
Speaker 4: it's just because of the age difference, but there was
Speaker 4: a lot of manipulation and and uh, you know he
Speaker 4: was very controlling.
Speaker 1: Well, you wanted stability. You wanted stability, and in order
Speaker 1: to have what would feel stable to you, you needed
Speaker 1: to be turned and twisted because you were unstable. I
Speaker 1: want you to understand how you're speaking, in your thinking
Speaker 1: created your experience. I was unstable. So if something is unstable,
Speaker 1: if the boat is rocking or the thing you got
Speaker 1: to stabilize it and control it. So you got exactly
Speaker 1: what you asked for.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I see that I got what I needed.
Speaker 1: Well, you got what you requested, not what you needed.
Speaker 1: What you needed was self discipline and self love.
Speaker 4: Exact exactly, yes, ma'am. And you know I've been on
Speaker 4: the on this journey even before I met him. I
Speaker 4: was on a personal development path and you know I
Speaker 4: found a secret you know, and the law of attraction
Speaker 4: before I met him, And you know, I had did
Speaker 4: a little bit of work to try to you know,
Speaker 4: come back to love. But you know it was rough.
Speaker 1: It was rough. So you walked out of that relationship
Speaker 1: knowing what, feeling what, believing what. I walked out of
Speaker 1: that relationship knowing.
Speaker 4: Knowing that I am capable of loving myself and I
Speaker 4: don't need anybody to bring stability in my life. I
Speaker 4: can be stable in myself. I'm still working on being stable,
Speaker 4: but you know I have learned. I am learning that
Speaker 4: I have the ability to be and I don't need
Speaker 4: anybody else for that.
Speaker 1: Was your childhood unstable with the parents breaking up.
Speaker 4: Uh well, military, so we moved around a lot.
Speaker 1: Okay, So that's instability, not bad. No, no heat, no judgment,
Speaker 1: not bad, but you had a feeling I'm going to
Speaker 1: say of instability, and I could be very wrong. You
Speaker 1: don't have to wear it if it doesn't apply. Of
Speaker 1: not being safe, well.
Speaker 4: I guess a little bit because of the my environment.
Speaker 4: I was in an environment where, like I was bullied
Speaker 4: a lot growing.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, So all right, you walked out of that
Speaker 1: relationship knowing that you don't need anyone else to establish
Speaker 1: your stability, that you can do it for yourself. You
Speaker 1: walked out of that relationship feeling what.
Speaker 4: Stronger, gosh, stronger, definitely stronger and capable, you know, a
Speaker 4: resilient you know, because we separated, you know several times,
Speaker 4: but I would we would come back because.
Speaker 1: You weren't complete exactly.
Speaker 4: That's a complete, that's a good word, okay, feeling complete.
Speaker 4: I came out feeling and like, this relationship is completely finished.
Speaker 4: You know that I'm completely moved on from it.
Speaker 1: Okay. So you walked out of that relationship knowing you
Speaker 1: don't need anybody to establish your stability. You walked out
Speaker 1: of that relationship feeling complete, feeling stronger. Now you walked
Speaker 1: out of that relationship, and now you want what.
Speaker 4: That's a good, good question, Well.
Speaker 1: Don't you don't have to answer it. Don't force the answer.
Speaker 1: Don't force the answer because that's still open. But that's
Speaker 1: that's a place that you want to investigate so that
Speaker 1: you don't Anything that's incomplete from that relationship doesn't show
Speaker 1: up in the next one. You may feel complete, but
Speaker 1: if you're you know, if you I walked out of
Speaker 1: that relationship needing more confidence in myself, needing more uh,
Speaker 1: you know, a deeper relationship with God, out of that relationship,
Speaker 1: needing a clearer vision about what I want in a partner. Whatever.
Speaker 1: Don't force it, but investigate it. But I want to
Speaker 1: encourage you and not you know, this is just showing up.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: Every Thursday we have the Invisible Ach Men's book Club.
Speaker 1: I don't need it anymore. It's where men come together
Speaker 1: and they're walking through various texts. If you're really on
Speaker 1: that personal development path and you really need some help,
Speaker 1: here's something. Because I know men don't like to ask
Speaker 1: for help, they don't like to accept help, they don't
Speaker 1: like to admit they need help. You need help, go
Speaker 1: to the book club Thursday night. It's twenty nine dollars
Speaker 1: a month, and the coach there, Robert Pruett. You don't
Speaker 1: care if you black, white, straight, gray, green, as long
Speaker 1: as you're living, you know. But you hear other men
Speaker 1: and how they You'll walk through these various books together
Speaker 1: and you learn. Robert helps you apply it to your life.
Speaker 1: So that's the things that you missed. I love you,
Speaker 1: and I'm a mother you and teach you. But there's
Speaker 1: some places where men have to mother each other. There
Speaker 1: are millions of places. I'm just telling you about the
Speaker 1: one I got, which is the book club. Go to
Speaker 1: eyamla dot com and look that up. So ultimately, after
Speaker 1: all of this, what was your question?
Speaker 4: Well, I I didn't have a question. I just kind
Speaker 4: of just seen the life and I just follow you
Speaker 4: and I just love you, and so I was like,
Speaker 4: let me talk on and see you know what it is.
Speaker 4: And so I guess if I did have a question,
Speaker 4: I guess it would be like, how how long do
Speaker 4: you think it would take? Because I know I'm not
Speaker 4: completely healed from a relationship, because I mean it's only
Speaker 4: been a month, so you ain't.
Speaker 1: Even how did the relationship yet You're not You're not
Speaker 1: even out a month you're not out give yourself at
Speaker 1: least nine months. Yeah.
Speaker 4: I mean we communicate, and I mean there's there as
Speaker 4: there's some tension and everything. But you know, I think
Speaker 4: I'm wondering. Okay, So here's a question. I'm wondering about
Speaker 4: a friendship after marriage with the with the person because
Speaker 4: I don't I'm wondering if that's something that is healthy
Speaker 4: or is it not healthy to try to maintain some
Speaker 4: kind of relationship with the person.
Speaker 1: Well, you know, me and my ex husband when we
Speaker 1: were married twice, ours was a forty year relationship and
Speaker 1: we are great friends now. We don't hate Thanksgiving dinner together,
Speaker 1: we don't go shopping together. I never forget his birthday,
Speaker 1: he never forgets mine. If something goes on with his children,
Speaker 1: you know who were basically you know, he had children
Speaker 1: before we got to get other. I know about it.
Speaker 1: I have a relationship with some of his children that
Speaker 1: are separate and apart from my relationship with him. He
Speaker 1: has a relationship with my son that's separate and apart
Speaker 1: from his relationship with me. So what am I saying?
Speaker 1: First of all, you need time to develop the new normal.
Speaker 1: You can't come out of a marriage a love ship
Speaker 1: a wound ship, and then expect you all are going
Speaker 1: to be friends, because it's really the time of part
Speaker 1: that will bring to the surface the things that were unresolved,
Speaker 1: the things that were revealed, the things that you came
Speaker 1: together to heal. You can't do that a month out
Speaker 1: a month out. It just needs to be Hey, how
Speaker 1: you doing. You know, as jacked up as it is,
Speaker 1: I miss you, but I'm wishing you the best and
Speaker 1: moving forward. Don't act like you don't miss it. Don't
Speaker 1: act like there's a don't act like, right down between
Speaker 1: your little toe and the other toe right there, there's
Speaker 1: a spot that still wants it. That's okay, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: So the thing is this nine months or this healing period,
Speaker 1: it's to eliminate that spot that still wants it. That
Speaker 1: sucker has got to be eliminated. Otherwise you'll be in
Speaker 1: and out, in and out, back and forth. So here
Speaker 1: is the prayer, precious Lord of the universe. Just now
Speaker 1: I ask you to reveal to me those places within
Speaker 1: myself that are healing, have healed, that need to be
Speaker 1: healed as a result of my relationship with Booboo. Reveal them,
Speaker 1: show me lift the veil so that I may be
Speaker 1: whole and complete and move forward. Now you may not
Speaker 1: remember all of that, but some version of it. Just
Speaker 1: ask God to show you the places in you that
Speaker 1: you went into that relationship to heal, show you the
Speaker 1: ones that are healed, the ones that needed the need
Speaker 1: to be healed, the ones that you haven't even scratched,
Speaker 1: and so that you can move forward into it. And
Speaker 1: that's going to take time. That's why they go to
Speaker 1: the book club. Go and whatever they're reading. They just
Speaker 1: finish Love Without Conditions by Paul Farini. I don't know
Speaker 1: what they're reading now, but they're reading I think you
Speaker 1: can have it all. I don't know anyway Robert will
Speaker 1: help you, but he asks, he answers all kinds of
Speaker 1: questions so that you can be with other men. And
Speaker 1: because even though you're in same sex relationship, you still
Speaker 1: got testicles, You got testaments, right, you do. And the
Speaker 1: only reason I asked that is so that I know
Speaker 1: whether you're doing estrogen or progesterate, so you still and
Speaker 1: you're human, you still have a heart. You have I
Speaker 1: coudn't saying the Invisible Ache. It's the man Cave. It's
Speaker 1: the man Cave book club. You still have a heart,
Speaker 1: and your heart is fragile, and your heart can be broken,
Speaker 1: and you'll your heart is open, and your heart wants
Speaker 1: to be loved, and your heart wants to be accepted.
Speaker 1: And the way to do that in today's world is
Speaker 1: to come up out of the broken humanness into your
Speaker 1: divinity as an expression of divine light and love. And
Speaker 1: you still may have jacked of relationships, but at least
Speaker 1: you won't leave them feeling a deficit. Because see, when
Speaker 1: you love yourself, when you know yourself, when you accept yourself,
Speaker 1: humans can disappoint you, but they don't leave you in
Speaker 1: a deficit. They leave you in Well. Damn, that was interesting.
Speaker 1: When'd you like to be like that? Damn? That is interesting. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's see what else is coming up. Okay, yeah, go
Speaker 1: to thank you for calling and listen. Remember it's a
Speaker 1: little spot right in here that still wants him. You
Speaker 1: gotta clean you got that thing needs to be extracted. Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: why do you want it? That's what you gotta because
Speaker 1: that's that's what bonded. Y'ell, that's what bond is. Okay,
Speaker 1: all righty bye bye, Tune into the R spot. We've
Speaker 1: got three years of shows on Shondaland iHeartRadio. Tune into
Speaker 1: the art Spot. I'll be back here next week. I'll
Speaker 1: bring you a new question. We can do another one together. Okay.
Speaker 1: I hope you've heard something today that you can use
Speaker 1: in your life, and please use it. Love ya mean it.
Speaker 1: Thanks for tuning in and I'll see you real soon.
Speaker 1: Be good to each other, take care of each other. Bye.
Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: your favorite show.