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Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.

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Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.

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Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to

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Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the

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Speaker 1: art Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.

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Speaker 1: Good afternoon, Good afternoon, Good afternoon, and i am back

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Speaker 1: again for a live episode of The art Spot, the

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Speaker 1: place we come to talk about relationships. And I've got

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Speaker 1: two questions on the floor today. What is the hardest

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Speaker 1: lesson you have ever learned about relationshiationships? And how did

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Speaker 1: you learn that lesson? What's the hardest lesson you had

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Speaker 1: to learn about yourself? About how you do relationships, how

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Speaker 1: you go into relationships, what's required in the relationship, and

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Speaker 1: what's the best lesson, the thing that is blessed you

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Speaker 1: the best? How you behave in relationships, how you leave

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Speaker 1: a relationship. We want to talk about that right here

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Speaker 1: live on the our Spot. You can come up on

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Speaker 1: the screen with me, or you can put it in

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Speaker 1: the comments and I'll read it. If you've got a question,

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Speaker 1: I'll answer it. We did this about two weeks ago

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Speaker 1: and we had just a really, really good time. What

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Speaker 1: is the hardest lesson you've ever learned in relationships? We

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Speaker 1: want to know about that here on the our spot,

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Speaker 1: because this is the place that we come to learn

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Speaker 1: about all things relationships. All things do we mean only

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Speaker 1: romantic relationships or all relationships? Well, at the spot we

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Speaker 1: talk about all relationships. You have to do the work.

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Speaker 1: Boundaries are important. Absolutely, absolutely, I can't change the other person. Godlee,

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Speaker 1: who's tried to change somebody in the relationship? And how

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Speaker 1: do you realize you can't do it? How do I

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Speaker 1: keep my marriage when my husband got a thirty year

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Speaker 1: old pregnant? Well, what's more relevant that she's thirty or

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Speaker 1: that she's pregnant? And how old is your husband? I

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Speaker 1: don't know how you keep that together? Do you want

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Speaker 1: to keep it together? What do we do when we

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Speaker 1: find out that our partner, a husband, particularly a husband

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Speaker 1: or a wife is cheating. That's another question we want

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Speaker 1: to deal with right here on the relationship. Letting go

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Speaker 1: is the hardest thing. Absolutely, letting go is the hardest thing.

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Speaker 1: Why why is it so hard? Why do we have

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Speaker 1: such a difficult time saying well, that's done? Next? Because

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Speaker 1: you're in a place to move forward. Doesn't mean others are.

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Speaker 1: We can't do the work for others. Okay, I cannot

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Speaker 1: love someone into loving you. Wow, that's powerful. Thank you

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Speaker 1: for that, Thank you for that. Boundaries, Boundaries, boundaries, that's

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Speaker 1: the hardest thing. Now, what do we mean about a boundary?

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Speaker 1: And how do you make a distinction between a boundary

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Speaker 1: and a wall? Because some of us we set up walls,

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Speaker 1: or we set up demands, We set up things that

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Speaker 1: we absolutely hold and hold the other person to it.

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Speaker 1: And what do you do when a person doesn't align

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Speaker 1: with your boundaries? What do you do? Do you just

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Speaker 1: let the whole relationship go? All right? I know you're

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Speaker 1: out there, welcome to the r spot. I had to

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Speaker 1: love my father where he was. Yes, just had that

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Speaker 1: conversation with somebody. Here's something that I think we need

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Speaker 1: to own. And I'm just putting this out there. I'm please.

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Speaker 1: If you're a man and you have a different approach,

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Speaker 1: a different opinion, I want to hear from you. I

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Speaker 1: find in relationships in general, in life that men have

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Speaker 1: a difficult time asking for help, accepting help, or admitting

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Speaker 1: when they need help. They have a difficult time asking

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Speaker 1: for help receiving help even when you offer it, or

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Speaker 1: admitting that they need help, because I think in the

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Speaker 1: masculine socialization, people come up with asking for help is

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Speaker 1: weak men men asking for help is weak, or maybe

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Speaker 1: they ask for help and we're considered weak. I don't know.

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Speaker 1: If you're a man, come talk to me and let's

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Speaker 1: forget this thing out. I have to give my person

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Speaker 1: grace I expect for them. You have to give someone

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Speaker 1: the same amount of grace or the same amount of compassion,

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Speaker 1: because we don't really have grace. We can't give grace.

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Speaker 1: Only God can give grace. Communicate is literally everything. It

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Speaker 1: will make or break. What do you mean by communicate?

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Speaker 1: What do you mean by that? Because your definition of

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Speaker 1: communication may be very very different in someone else's definition

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Speaker 1: of communication. Blessings to it afternoon. I learned being with

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Speaker 1: my wife twenty seven years. I realized they are different

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Speaker 1: versions of her I have met, and I'm so happy

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Speaker 1: we had those hard days to make these great days

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Speaker 1: ahead as you grow. I love that. Thank you twenty

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Speaker 1: seven years. Different aspects of her, and just know this,

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Speaker 1: there are different aspects of you too. You can help

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Speaker 1: a narcissist change. That's a statement. If I'm not happy

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Speaker 1: after trying everything to make it work, it's okay to leave.

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Speaker 1: I have to stop saying so long, knowing it's not

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Speaker 1: working and not going to work. When is enough enough?

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Speaker 1: That's the question? When is enough enough? That's another question.

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Speaker 1: We can put that on the board. When is enough enough?

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Speaker 1: Relationships is about production? What are we producing? I can

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Speaker 1: hear that, So let me ask you a question. Relationships

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Speaker 1: are about production. What's the distinction between production and transactions?

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Speaker 1: Because so very often we get into these transactional relationships accountability. Listen,

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Speaker 1: y'all can't give me these one word answers. What's the

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Speaker 1: hardest thing you've learned in relationship accountability? Who's yours? Theirs?

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Speaker 1: How you hold somebody accountable? The hardest lesson was what

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Speaker 1: I allow will continue? That's a good one. The hardest

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Speaker 1: lesson is what I allow will continue? We got a

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Speaker 1: question here, delete report. Let me just see what if

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Speaker 1: I have everything in my relationship except the sex? What

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Speaker 1: about it? Whoo? You know they say that sex is

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Speaker 1: only ten percent of a relationship, but it's very important

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Speaker 1: ten percent. So let me ask you, are you willing

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Speaker 1: to live the rest of your life in this relationship

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Speaker 1: with things exactly as they are? Are you willing to

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Speaker 1: do that? So if you're not, then you've got a

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Speaker 1: choice to make. How long do you keep a relationship

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Speaker 1: that you know has an expectation date to it romantic

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Speaker 1: or friendship? I think you mean expiration and expiration date?

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Speaker 1: How long do you keep a relationship?

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Speaker 2: How are you my love?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you got a question you want to bring to

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Speaker 1: the R spot today.

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Speaker 2: I just wanted to share that.

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Speaker 3: You know, I think one of the greatest lessons I

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Speaker 3: learned is to love myself and I know that I'm

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Speaker 3: always my first priority. And I so a couple of

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Speaker 3: years years ago, I was in like a situationship with

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Speaker 3: this man, well I didn't know at the time, had

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Speaker 3: a whole fiance.

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Speaker 2: She actually ended up marrying him.

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Speaker 3: I'm a girl's girl, so I did disclose to her

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Speaker 3: what was going on, and she ended up marrying him,

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Speaker 3: and he unfortunately left her for another one of his

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Speaker 3: several mistresses. I just recently learned that he gave me HPV,

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Speaker 3: so kind of navigating that, but you know, it is

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Speaker 3: what it is.

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Speaker 2: But it happened.

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Speaker 3: And I'm a writer, I'm a mental health clinician, so

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Speaker 3: I think with that, I have been trying to like

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Speaker 3: find the love for him and recognize that he was

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Speaker 3: so deeply hurt, and I saw that when we were together,

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Speaker 3: and he was so guarded. So I think it just

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Speaker 3: really speaks to what you shared about that masculine energy

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Speaker 3: and how there's so much trauma there and so much

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Speaker 3: difficulty with putting up those walls and not allowing themselves

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Speaker 3: to be vulnerable and to heal.

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Speaker 2: And I can see that in him.

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Speaker 3: Will I ever be with him again, Probably not, but

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Speaker 3: I can love him from a distance.

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Speaker 1: Now. You said that you were in a relationship with

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Speaker 1: a man who had a fiance that you didn't know about.

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Speaker 1: When you found about the fiance, you spoke to her

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Speaker 1: to let her know about your presence. Is that accurate?

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Speaker 3: That's well I sent her a Facebook message.

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Speaker 1: Yes, that's accurate, And what was your intention in sending

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Speaker 1: her that message?

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Speaker 3: So I thought about it for I don't know, probably

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Speaker 3: a couple of weeks, talked with my friends, and I

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Speaker 3: just thought if I was in that situation, if I

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Speaker 3: was on the other side of it, I wouldn't want

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Speaker 3: to know what was going on. I tried to be

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Speaker 3: as thoughtful as I could I was like, look, you

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Speaker 3: can be mad at me. I I have information you

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Speaker 3: don't want to hear, and I hate that I have

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Speaker 3: to tell you this. I stopped all contact with him

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Speaker 3: after I've found out, and I let her know that too.

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Speaker 1: Did you tell him that you were going to tell her? No?

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Speaker 3: I did ask him if she knew okay, and he yeah, okay.

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Speaker 3: Because I wasn't sure if it was an open relationship

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Speaker 3: to you, you know, I was like, I don't. I

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Speaker 3: don't know if that's what's going on, but if it is,

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Speaker 3: you know, please make sure you all are transparent.

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Speaker 2: With hows.

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Speaker 1: What did you learn about yourself in that relationship? Oh?

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Speaker 2: Too many things. I learned that I am.

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Speaker 3: I learned that at that time in my life, I

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Speaker 3: was looking for someone else to save me, do save

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Speaker 3: me from the hurt and the pain that I had experienced.

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Speaker 3: I learned that I was to trusting, and I think

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Speaker 3: it's important to trust and I can give. I have

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Speaker 3: another friend. We're like the Three Musketeers. We were all

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Speaker 3: working at the same agency. The woman that introduced me

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Speaker 3: to you, that told me, Emily, protect your heart, and

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Speaker 3: I do live with a big heart.

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Speaker 2: I've always been that way.

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Speaker 3: But I think just like learning to trust my intuition

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Speaker 3: because there were several red flags.

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Speaker 1: Okay, that's what I was going to ask you, because

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Speaker 1: you can't be too trusting about it. You can't be

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Speaker 1: too trusting. So did you learn did you learn that

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Speaker 1: you question doubt or don't trust your intuition? Did you

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Speaker 1: learn that?

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Speaker 2: I learned that.

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Speaker 3: It took me, now, I will say it took me

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Speaker 3: a couple other little lessons along the way. But I

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Speaker 3: think we're at a place where I'm like, no, my

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Speaker 3: intuition is, I'm getting the feeling, and now I'm that

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Speaker 3: that is something to be trusted.

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Speaker 1: What have you learned or why do you think you

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Speaker 1: attracted that experience to yourself at this time, at that time?

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Speaker 2: It's a great question.

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Speaker 1: You got a good answer. I don't know that I do. Well.

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Speaker 1: What if let's not complicated. What if you attracted that

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Speaker 1: situation or that experience simply to teach yourself that you

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Speaker 1: need to or you can trust your intuition? Yes, what if?

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Speaker 3: I think that's it?

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Speaker 1: And then I heard you say will I ever be

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Speaker 1: with him again? Probably not? Why is that even on

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Speaker 1: the table?

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Speaker 4: Oh?

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Speaker 2: I don't know, Yeah, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I don't think that can even be a consideration.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely not. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but I will say this though, just because he

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Speaker 3: is he's a PhD student and he's doing really incredible work.

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Speaker 1: He's a black man.

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Speaker 2: Doing work.

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Speaker 3: Focused on the I don't want to give too many

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Speaker 3: details because I don't want to be like.

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Speaker 1: Well, why why is that any of your business? I

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Speaker 1: guess it's not my business. I know it's not. You're right,

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Speaker 1: get out of his business, because it sounds to me.

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Speaker 1: I could be wrong. I could be very very wrong.

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Speaker 1: It does not sound to me like you are complete.

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Speaker 1: You still got some hook, some connection. Maybe it's the

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Speaker 1: bonding pattern. I don't know, but you know too much

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Speaker 1: and you're making too many assessments, and you know if

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Speaker 1: you all are not connected with children or property or whatever.

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Speaker 1: Bye bye boo.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, thank you. You know what I think it is.

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Speaker 3: I think because I had you know, I've done a

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Speaker 3: lot of my own healing and kind of work through.

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Speaker 2: It and let it go.

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Speaker 3: And and when I went for my paps near I

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Speaker 3: was trying to use my husband insurance benefits before I left.

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Speaker 2: The agency, and just I just moved to.

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Speaker 3: A different state, and that's when I found found out

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Speaker 3: that I had HPV, and I was like, he was

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Speaker 3: the only sexual partner I had had within the timeframe

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Speaker 3: of my last paps here, So I think it kind

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Speaker 3: of research.

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Speaker 1: That's where the incompletion is. That's that's it. So they

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Speaker 1: left the he left the calling card. Now let me

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Speaker 1: ask you this, what are you learning about yourself and

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Speaker 1: your relationship to your body as it relates to HPV.

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Speaker 2: Oh, I don't.

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Speaker 1: I don't know yet.

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Speaker 2: I'll be very transparent.

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Speaker 3: I'm I'm in recovery for anorexia, so there's been a

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Speaker 3: whole lot.

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Speaker 1: Oh. Yeah, it's about you and your body. It's about

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Speaker 1: you and your body. Absolutely. Well, here's here's what I

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Speaker 1: can say to you, or what I can what I

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Speaker 1: would offer you. And thank you for your courage and

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Speaker 1: being so transparent. Thank you for let me share this. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I would really want to invite you to really get

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Speaker 1: clear about because if the way you he may have

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Speaker 1: violated your trust and your and your love, you violate yourself. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: anorexia is definitely a distorted relationship with self. That's what

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Speaker 1: it is. And I would encourage you that as you

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Speaker 1: continue to recover from that and you continue to develop

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Speaker 1: a better relationship with your body that you know the HPV,

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Speaker 1: you can raise your frequency high enough that it can't

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Speaker 1: even exist. I would tell you to work with this

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Speaker 1: to the body, body forgive me. I forgive you body.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, body, forgive me for the judgments I have

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Speaker 1: of you, the ways that I've treated you, And I

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Speaker 1: forgive body, forgive me, and I forgive you body for

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Speaker 1: taking on my distortions, my judgments. Whatever all is settled

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Speaker 1: between us, work your body. He is definitely a mirror

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Speaker 1: reflection of how he would violate you. You have violated yourself.

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Speaker 1: I'm glad you're in recovery.

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Speaker 3: Yes, it's been a long journey, but I would at

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Speaker 3: this point really would rather just say I'm recovered.

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Speaker 1: How about I'm delivered. Delivered is a much Yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: a much stronger word deliver. And that's probably where that

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Speaker 1: connection you still have to hear. I don't know if

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Speaker 1: you're peeking over there, looking or listening or whatever. Take

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Speaker 1: the focus off of him, put it back on your body.

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Speaker 1: Put it back on your body. Yeah, yes, man, thank you,

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Speaker 1: Thank you, am I wish you the best. Thank you,

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Speaker 1: and tell your friend thank you for introducing us. Oh sure, Well,

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Speaker 1: Every relationship that you have is a function, a mirror

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Speaker 1: reflection of the relationship that you're having with yourself. I

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Speaker 1: don't care who it is, I don't care what it is.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes these relationships come from past lives. But that's a

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Speaker 1: whole conversation that we can't have right now. So I

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Speaker 1: will just say, consider that every relationship you have is

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Speaker 1: a function of the relationship that you have in with yourself.

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Speaker 5: And we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome

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Speaker 5: back to the R spot.

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Speaker 1: Tell me your name, beloved, uh Tawana.

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Speaker 6: So, over a decade ago, I was married to my

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Speaker 6: ex husband. We have a daughter that has autism, so

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Speaker 6: he couldn't deal with it and he asked for a divorce.

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Speaker 2: We got divorced for two reasons.

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Speaker 6: One because he couldn't deal with the situation with our daughter.

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Speaker 2: And two it was an age.

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Speaker 1: What does that mean he couldn't deal with the situation

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Speaker 1: with our daughter.

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Speaker 2: What does that mean he didn't know how to communicate

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Speaker 2: with her.

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Speaker 6: We took I took classes, you know, to learn how

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Speaker 6: to communicate with her, and she, you know, I got

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Speaker 6: her device.

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Speaker 2: To communicate with other people.

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Speaker 6: I started taking her out into the community because I

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Speaker 6: wanted her to learn how to function. That was one

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Speaker 6: reason we got a divorce, But the second reason was

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Speaker 6: it was an age gap. He was thirteen years older

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Speaker 6: than me, and to me, it made me feel like

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Speaker 6: he didn't realize that I was growing up. I wasn't

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Speaker 6: that little girl that canded do on him for everything.

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Speaker 6: So when he asked for a divorce, I said, Okay,

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Speaker 6: that's fine. The hurtful partner is I don't understand why

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Speaker 6: he's angry with me.

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Speaker 2: Because I gave him everything he asked for.

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Speaker 6: He didn't get custody, but he has nothing to do

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Speaker 6: with our daughter at all. I wanted to understand why

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Speaker 6: is he so hurt?

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Speaker 1: Why do you care if he's angry? Why do you

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Speaker 1: need to understand?

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Speaker 2: I mean so much that he's angry with me? Is

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Speaker 2: he deals.

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Speaker 1: Without Why is that your business?

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Speaker 2: Why do you care?

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Speaker 6: Well, it's more or less for my daughter's say, because

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Speaker 6: I really want her to have a relationship with her dad.

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Speaker 1: The man who didn't accept her, the man who didn't

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Speaker 1: do the work to learn how to be in relationship

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Speaker 1: with his autistic daughter. Is she his only child?

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Speaker 2: No, she's not. She's the baby.

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Speaker 1: The man who was willing to leave his marriage rather

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Speaker 1: than adjust himself to the requirements of being a father.

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Speaker 1: Why do you want him to have a relationship with her?

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Speaker 1: How old is she now? She's twenty five? Okay, okay.

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Speaker 1: Does she know him?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, she knows him well.

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Speaker 4: She is.

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Speaker 2: Verbal. She's the severest form of autism.

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Speaker 4: It is.

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Speaker 6: I guess it's because I feel like sometimes I need

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Speaker 6: a break.

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Speaker 1: Okay, Well that's a different story now, you know, because

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Speaker 1: you said I want to know why he's mad at me,

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Speaker 1: that's really not what you want. You want him to

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Speaker 1: participate in her life as a father, because that's what

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Speaker 1: you had. That's number one. Number two, you want him

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Speaker 1: to participate in her life as a parent because that

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Speaker 1: would give you a break. So let's tell the truth here, Okay,

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Speaker 1: it don't matter, and beloved, the truth is, that's not

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Speaker 1: what he's choosing, right and it has nothing to do

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Speaker 1: with her or you. That's not what he's choosing. So

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Speaker 1: for you to continue to want that, and for you

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Speaker 1: to continue to this, you know, yearn for that. When

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Speaker 1: it's not twenty five years, he hasn't done it. Cut

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Speaker 1: your losses, because when it comes time for him to

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Speaker 1: answer for how he lives his life. They're not going

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Speaker 1: to ask you what do you think about how he

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Speaker 1: lived his life? God, Source Creator is going to hold

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Speaker 1: him accountable. You do what you have to do. And

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Speaker 1: I know as a parent of an autistic child, it's

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Speaker 1: hard to get child care, it's hard to get you know, trust,

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Speaker 1: lead the person with somebody that really trusts them. And

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Speaker 1: it sounds like you've done what you need to do.

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Speaker 1: But I really want to encourage you to stay up,

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Speaker 1: go ahead.

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Speaker 2: But the good thing is, you know, she we spend

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Speaker 2: a lot of time together.

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Speaker 6: She still lives with me, and we have a beautiful relationship.

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Speaker 6: I not only see her as my daughter, but I

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Speaker 6: see her kind of as a little sister, you know.

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Speaker 2: And if it wasn't.

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Speaker 6: For her, I wouldn't learn how to I wouldn't have

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Speaker 6: learned how to love differently. Yeah, because that's a different

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Speaker 6: kind of love. And she taught me a lot, you know.

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Speaker 1: And you know, just from a place of compassion, I

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Speaker 1: asked if she were his only child. You said no.

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Speaker 1: I can imagine that as a man who doesn't have

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Speaker 1: the maternal instinct, that there may be a sense of

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Speaker 1: I don't know this to be true. There may be

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Speaker 1: a sense of some sort of failure or defeat. That

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Speaker 1: happens often when parents have a child.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes he used to be embossed.

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Speaker 1: That's his failing. So would you want your daughter to

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Speaker 1: be in relationship with a man who's embarrassed of her,

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Speaker 1: who is unwilling. Yeah, So from a place of compassion

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Speaker 1: for him, I would really want to encourage you to

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Speaker 1: take the heat off of requesting, requiring, yearning, desiring that

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Speaker 1: he'd be anything other than who he is, which is

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Speaker 1: an absent father.

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Speaker 6: And I can accept that because of the simple fact

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Speaker 6: it's not gonna change how I feel about my baby.

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Speaker 6: That's my baby, should always be my baby, and I'm

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Speaker 6: always take care of her until I take my last breath.

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Speaker 1: You know, it's just you want for her what you had,

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Speaker 1: and that may not be on her docket. You want

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Speaker 1: for her what you had, a loving relationship with a

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Speaker 1: present father. That was your docket, that was your curriculum.

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00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:07,399
Speaker 1: That's not hers, okay, And so very often as parents

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Speaker 1: we want that, we want for our children what we

393
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:12,120
Speaker 1: didn't have, but it may not be on their docket.

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00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,639
Speaker 1: It may not be in her curriculum. But that's about you.

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Speaker 1: Let that go, Let that go, let that go. And

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Speaker 1: I don't even know how to tell you to let

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Speaker 1: it go. And other than to bless him.

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Speaker 2: I pray about it because I'm asking God to help me.

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Speaker 2: Let it go. Here, here you go.

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Speaker 1: Whatever his name is, let's just say his name is

401
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,000
Speaker 1: Boo Boo, Boo Boo the fool, but we won't call

402
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:36,720
Speaker 1: him the full part. Okay, Boo Boo. I love you,

403
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Speaker 1: and I am so so so sorry that you cannot

404
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Speaker 1: be here for your daughter and for any judgments I've

405
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:49,399
Speaker 1: placed on you about that. Please forgive me. Thank you,

406
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:54,040
Speaker 1: Boo Boo. I love you, and I am so so

407
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Speaker 1: sorry that you are disappointed in who our daughter is

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Speaker 1: in any way that I contribut to that. I ask

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Speaker 1: you to forgive me. Thank you. It's called the hope

410
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:08,800
Speaker 1: of no process where you say I love you. I'm

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Speaker 1: so sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you

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Speaker 1: because you do love him. He is a part of

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Speaker 1: your life.

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Speaker 2: I said, you know what I said, thank you. I said,

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Speaker 2: I love you.

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Speaker 6: I said I appreciate the gift that you you gave me,

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Speaker 6: which is my door, and I'm good with that.

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Speaker 1: That's not true, beloved, Please forgive me, Please forgive me, Please,

419
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:37,280
Speaker 1: forgive me, Please forgive me. You're not You're not good

420
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:41,639
Speaker 1: with it. You're not you're not. You here on the

421
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:45,240
Speaker 1: social media asking me to help you figure out why

422
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,880
Speaker 1: he's angry. You're not good with it. You're not, and

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00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:51,240
Speaker 1: that's okay. Give yourself permission not to be good with it,

424
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:57,040
Speaker 1: but give yourself permission to to do some other things

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Speaker 1: that are that will get you through it. Let me

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Speaker 1: ask your question, since you're divorce, how long you've been divorced? Oh?

427
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:05,880
Speaker 1: But that okay, you gotta you gotta boo. You got

428
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:10,680
Speaker 1: a sweetie? No, okay, you need one. You need a look,

429
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:16,800
Speaker 1: you need a little nookie, I know. Okay, it's hard

430
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:20,680
Speaker 1: and he's out being nookified, getting all the nookie he want.

431
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,600
Speaker 1: And there you are with your daughter that you love

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Speaker 1: and and you know you're a special person because God

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Speaker 1: doesn't give that responsibility to everybody. So it tells me

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Speaker 1: you have the heart. It tells me you have the willingness.

435
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Speaker 1: But it's hard and he's out getting nookified. You ain't

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00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:40,080
Speaker 1: had no nookie since Jesus loved Chicago. And you're telling

437
00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:44,320
Speaker 1: me you are right with it. You ain't alright with it, Okay,

438
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,120
Speaker 1: so we need to pray a different prayer. We got

439
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:50,239
Speaker 1: to pray a different prayer. First of all, God, I

440
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:54,840
Speaker 1: need some nookie, okay, I need I need a peace.

441
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,960
Speaker 1: I need a peace. Help me, Lord, I need it.

442
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:03,399
Speaker 1: That's number one. Number two, I am open and willing.

443
00:27:05,119 --> 00:27:09,439
Speaker 1: I need a companion, a partner, a friend who's willing

444
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:13,359
Speaker 1: to be with me as I give loving care to

445
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:19,439
Speaker 1: my daughter. Listen, totally surrender. Totally surrender, and tell you know,

446
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:22,080
Speaker 1: one of the reasons our prayers don't get answers is

447
00:27:22,119 --> 00:27:24,840
Speaker 1: because we don't pray a truth. We don't pray truthfully.

448
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,960
Speaker 1: We pray what we think sounds good and right, as

449
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:31,159
Speaker 1: if God's source creator doesn't know the truth. You know

450
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,879
Speaker 1: this is hard, baby, You've been doing this for twenty

451
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:39,320
Speaker 1: five years. And I promise you there is a partner

452
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:43,399
Speaker 1: out there. There is an open hearted, God centered, kind,

453
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:47,000
Speaker 1: loving man that will stand with you and that can

454
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,080
Speaker 1: be there for your daughter so that she can experience

455
00:27:50,119 --> 00:27:53,400
Speaker 1: that balance there is. But you got to get Boo

456
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,600
Speaker 1: Boo to fool out your heart, out your mind. You

457
00:27:56,680 --> 00:28:02,239
Speaker 1: got your hopes on him to file. Boo Boo is

458
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:08,439
Speaker 1: not gonna show up. No to file, Okay, forgot it.

459
00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:15,080
Speaker 1: Pray that prayer. Pray that prayer. Tell God the truth,

460
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:17,880
Speaker 1: Tell him you're tired, Tell him this is hard, Tell

461
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:20,359
Speaker 1: him you need help. Tell him, tell him the truth

462
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:22,719
Speaker 1: and how you feel, and ask for the help that

463
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:29,080
Speaker 1: you really really want. Because boo boo, boo boo. Ain't it? Okay, Yes, ma'am,

464
00:28:29,119 --> 00:28:31,320
Speaker 1: thank you for your courage. Good luck to you and

465
00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:37,520
Speaker 1: your daughter. Okay, bye bye. Yeah. Listen, beloved, we gotta

466
00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:41,400
Speaker 1: pray the truth. Don't try to impress God's source, Creator,

467
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:45,719
Speaker 1: Holy Mother, whoever you praying to with your good, flowery words.

468
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:49,240
Speaker 1: God knows your heart. Pray what you really want. God,

469
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:54,240
Speaker 1: this is terrible, I feel bad whatever, and this is

470
00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:57,600
Speaker 1: what I need. I need some nookie and I need

471
00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:00,480
Speaker 1: a partner, and I need some help. But if you pray,

472
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:04,040
Speaker 1: Oh God, teach me how she don't forgive it. And

473
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:10,120
Speaker 1: I'm having a hard time with him too. We'll talk

474
00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:22,840
Speaker 1: about that when we come back. Welcome back to the

475
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:25,680
Speaker 1: R spot. Good afternoon, my darling.

476
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:28,960
Speaker 2: Tell me your name Arisa John So.

477
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:33,000
Speaker 7: About two years ago I got out of a relationship

478
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:35,600
Speaker 7: and he thought and said, my new relationship.

479
00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:39,800
Speaker 2: I believe I manifested the man of my dreams.

480
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:43,480
Speaker 8: We got together, things were good and also I thought

481
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:49,080
Speaker 8: we ended up having a child. After having my child,

482
00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:52,360
Speaker 8: I found out that he stepped out on me during

483
00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:58,080
Speaker 8: my pregnancy, and of course our relationship went downhill after that.

484
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,640
Speaker 2: Decided to try to make it work. I told him,

485
00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:05,360
Speaker 2: of course, it's going to be hard to rebuild trust

486
00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:06,400
Speaker 2: once it's destroyed.

487
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:10,800
Speaker 8: Long story shorts, and he lacked reassurance.

488
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:15,680
Speaker 7: Our relationship never got back to where it was. Instead,

489
00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:20,640
Speaker 7: it started to demolish it. More recently, we went to

490
00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:23,480
Speaker 7: Girl Home My Hand where I met your person.

491
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:26,000
Speaker 2: I've always known about you all my life.

492
00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:28,920
Speaker 8: But we went to the Girl Hold My Hands and

493
00:30:29,040 --> 00:30:31,160
Speaker 8: the Awakening, and I thought that, you know, that would

494
00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:32,400
Speaker 8: awaken our relationship.

495
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,520
Speaker 7: Things like that I get us back to where we

496
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:39,800
Speaker 7: need to to have a healthy relationship. Instead, after I

497
00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:44,880
Speaker 7: came home, I awakened the enemy and our relationship ended.

498
00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:50,960
Speaker 8: It ended about a month ago, and since our relationship ended, after.

499
00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:54,000
Speaker 2: He moved out, he has not checked on our child.

500
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:57,080
Speaker 2: He became a totally different person.

501
00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:02,600
Speaker 7: So the person I thought I and a totally different

502
00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:09,640
Speaker 7: person that it is. And him, now, yeah here you are,

503
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:10,560
Speaker 7: Now how old are you?

504
00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:21,560
Speaker 1: My love with a baby and all your dreams are shattered, right, yeah,

505
00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:29,360
Speaker 1: and that makes you sad? Yeah, yes, yeah, So what

506
00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:32,960
Speaker 1: is it that you really want to know? What is

507
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:34,440
Speaker 1: it that you really want?

508
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:39,960
Speaker 7: What is inside of me that keep on attracting people

509
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:40,800
Speaker 7: are not for you?

510
00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:47,840
Speaker 1: Well, he was for you for that time. He was

511
00:31:47,880 --> 00:31:54,080
Speaker 1: for you for that time, And maybe what he came

512
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:56,320
Speaker 1: to you for was so that your son. Is it

513
00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:58,280
Speaker 1: a son? I don't know why I think that's a son.

514
00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:03,240
Speaker 1: Why son could come forward? Maybe that's why he came

515
00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:06,040
Speaker 1: to you. But but you said a couple of things

516
00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:12,959
Speaker 1: that I just want us to scratch out a little bit. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah,

517
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:17,360
Speaker 1: you said the man of my dreams. I thought I

518
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:23,360
Speaker 1: had found a man of my dreams. What was the dream?

519
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:26,160
Speaker 2: Somebody that would canted to me, gives me a faction,

520
00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:30,880
Speaker 2: give me that, give me that soft life.

521
00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:31,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, and what else?

522
00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:38,040
Speaker 2: Somebody I can trust that's loyal, communicate.

523
00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:44,160
Speaker 1: How About somebody that has a good relationship with themselves

524
00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:47,520
Speaker 1: and with the God or their understanding. How About somebody

525
00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:50,880
Speaker 1: that has a deep sense of integrity that they won't violate.

526
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:55,080
Speaker 1: How About somebody a man who's accountable to somebody other

527
00:32:55,160 --> 00:33:00,080
Speaker 1: than himselves. How about somebody who's ready and willing to

528
00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 1: be fully committed to a relationship. Was that a part

529
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:07,200
Speaker 1: of the dream. It was that ain't what you spoke,

530
00:33:07,600 --> 00:33:10,120
Speaker 1: and that ain't what you got. So one of two

531
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:14,000
Speaker 1: things happen. Either you didn't speak it clearly, or you

532
00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:17,680
Speaker 1: spoke it and didn't believe you could have it. Because

533
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:20,880
Speaker 1: only thing we attract in life are the things that

534
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:25,040
Speaker 1: we believe we deserve. Now that part of us that

535
00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:31,120
Speaker 1: believes we deserve it may be unconscious. It may be unconscious,

536
00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:33,200
Speaker 1: it may be in the back of your mind. I

537
00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:35,160
Speaker 1: want this, I want that, but I don't know if

538
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:37,000
Speaker 1: I could have that. I want this, I want this,

539
00:33:37,120 --> 00:33:39,240
Speaker 1: but there ain't no good men out there. I want this,

540
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:41,520
Speaker 1: I want that, but I never had it before. I

541
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:43,280
Speaker 1: want this, I want that. I don't want them to

542
00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:45,760
Speaker 1: be like the other one. We have a whole script

543
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:49,360
Speaker 1: running in our subconscious mind that creates the energy that

544
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:54,240
Speaker 1: we attract. You said you went into this relationship after

545
00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:58,480
Speaker 1: a very bad relationship. Did you do did you do

546
00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:03,800
Speaker 1: complete forgiveness work on the other relationship? Wow? There you go.

547
00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:08,759
Speaker 1: So you had you have pollution in your heart. This

548
00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:12,279
Speaker 1: is not your fault. I'm not blaming you, but I

549
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:17,239
Speaker 1: want you to understand how this happened. Everything comes in

550
00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:23,080
Speaker 1: your life by invitation of the energy that you carry.

551
00:34:24,280 --> 00:34:29,040
Speaker 1: I could almost guarantee, I could almost guarantee either mommy,

552
00:34:29,480 --> 00:34:33,160
Speaker 1: I mean either daddy or somebody early in your life

553
00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:40,960
Speaker 1: betrayed you, They left you, they hurt you early in

554
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,319
Speaker 1: your life. Who would that be?

555
00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:44,000
Speaker 7: My dad?

556
00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:51,080
Speaker 1: There you go? Have you forgiven him? That would be

557
00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:57,560
Speaker 1: an That would be enough. Let me ask you a question,

558
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:01,319
Speaker 1: because you got a lot, You got a lot going on,

559
00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:03,960
Speaker 1: and you are here's my thing for you my life.

560
00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:12,640
Speaker 1: You are raising somebody's husband and somebody's father. That that

561
00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:15,799
Speaker 1: young man that you're raising, he's going to be somebody's

562
00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:19,880
Speaker 1: husband and somebody's father, and he needs you as whole

563
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:25,359
Speaker 1: as possible. Where do you live below? Do you have

564
00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:28,160
Speaker 1: somebody that can keep the baby for the weekend?

565
00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:29,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, happened, nanny?

566
00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:30,279
Speaker 1: You do?

567
00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:30,560
Speaker 4: Oh?

568
00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:36,960
Speaker 1: On November second, I want you to come to Maryland.

569
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:43,560
Speaker 1: Let me tell you why. On November second, myself and

570
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:47,200
Speaker 1: one of my faculty members, we are doing a forgiveness

571
00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:52,799
Speaker 1: healing session. This ain't play play. This is getting there

572
00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:57,359
Speaker 1: and clean this stuff out for the final time. I

573
00:35:57,400 --> 00:36:00,000
Speaker 1: want to do that for you, because you're raising somebody

574
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:04,080
Speaker 1: husband and somebody's father, and the sadness and the hurt

575
00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:07,720
Speaker 1: that you're carrying is going to impact him. So here's

576
00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:10,720
Speaker 1: my deal to you. You're gonna send me an email

577
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:14,680
Speaker 1: customer at a yamla dot com. If you can get

578
00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:17,520
Speaker 1: to Maryland. I will gift you the workshop. You got

579
00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:21,040
Speaker 1: to get here, though, that'll be your investment. You got

580
00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:25,440
Speaker 1: to get here Saturday, November two. I don't care you

581
00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:29,440
Speaker 1: can get here by air, aplane, across the water. I

582
00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:32,239
Speaker 1: don't care how you get here. I don't care how

583
00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:35,359
Speaker 1: you get here. Just get here if you can. If

584
00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:38,040
Speaker 1: you can get here, I will gift you the workshop

585
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:42,360
Speaker 1: so that you can be a participant in this healing

586
00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:48,720
Speaker 1: forgiveness ceremony. Now she's doing a class online for six weeks,

587
00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:51,160
Speaker 1: but I know with the baby, you might not have

588
00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:55,239
Speaker 1: the time get to Maryland. Send me an email customer

589
00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:58,520
Speaker 1: at yamla dot com. I'm gonna gift you the workshop

590
00:36:58,719 --> 00:37:01,280
Speaker 1: to come and do this for given this word clean

591
00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:05,080
Speaker 1: off your slate so that you can have a new beginning.

592
00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:09,719
Speaker 1: I can't leave you there raising that baby because this

593
00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:14,560
Speaker 1: sadness and this belief and this betrayal. It dates all

594
00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:19,400
Speaker 1: the way back to your daddy. Yeah. And you know what,

595
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:24,560
Speaker 1: my love, You're not alone. I promise you. There are

596
00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:28,280
Speaker 1: hundreds of thousands of other women out there and men.

597
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:31,640
Speaker 1: We never think that men get portrayed and hurt, but

598
00:37:31,719 --> 00:37:35,600
Speaker 1: they do. Okay, will you do that? I want you.

599
00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:37,960
Speaker 1: I want you to commit to me that you're coming

600
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:40,400
Speaker 1: to Maryland on November two. I want to hear that

601
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:43,719
Speaker 1: comm I'm coming to Maryland on November second. Okay, you

602
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:46,480
Speaker 1: send me the email. We'll give you all the details

603
00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:49,240
Speaker 1: about the All of y'all can come if you want to, Okay,

604
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:51,560
Speaker 1: But I'm gifting it to her. I don't want her

605
00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:54,440
Speaker 1: money to be a reason. If she can get here,

606
00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:58,960
Speaker 1: she can have the workshop. Okay. And in the meantime,

607
00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:02,799
Speaker 1: here's your assignment. In the meantime until you get to

608
00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:06,160
Speaker 1: me in Maryland on November two, every time you think

609
00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:08,560
Speaker 1: of something that hurts you, write it down on a

610
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:12,160
Speaker 1: piece of paper and bring me the whole pad, the

611
00:38:12,200 --> 00:38:15,400
Speaker 1: whole book when you come. Okay, this hurt me, that

612
00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:18,279
Speaker 1: hurt me, He hurt me. Blah blah blah. Because what

613
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:21,160
Speaker 1: you got going on is too much to unpack. Right here,

614
00:38:21,480 --> 00:38:24,040
Speaker 1: we don't have to deal. Let's clean it up, let's

615
00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:29,880
Speaker 1: heal it, let's eliminate it. You willing, Sam. Okay, somebody

616
00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:33,400
Speaker 1: said that you can stay with them in Maryland. Listen,

617
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:35,960
Speaker 1: you can come in Saturday morning, leave out Saturday night.

618
00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:40,160
Speaker 1: There's a little hotel nearby. We'll give you all the details. Okay,

619
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:42,480
Speaker 1: that's my gift to you. That's my gift to you.

620
00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:45,680
Speaker 1: Write me customer at a yamla dot com.

621
00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:48,160
Speaker 2: So right now, all.

622
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:50,520
Speaker 1: Right, because I'm gonna make sure you raise a good

623
00:38:50,600 --> 00:38:55,480
Speaker 1: father and a good husband. Okay, love you baby, Thank

624
00:38:55,520 --> 00:38:58,880
Speaker 1: you for writing me. Thank you. Yeah, listen, put that

625
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:03,320
Speaker 1: on the calendar your November two in Maryland, I'm doing

626
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:09,640
Speaker 1: a forgiveness healing. It's a healing session Saturday, November second.

627
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:14,080
Speaker 1: You can write me at Iyamla at yamla dot com,

628
00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:17,000
Speaker 1: customer at yonmla dot com. We can send you all

629
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:19,960
Speaker 1: the details. I believe it's up on the workshop. Myself

630
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:25,160
Speaker 1: and Kim Kennedy, who is a radical forgiveness Master. She's

631
00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:29,680
Speaker 1: a radical forgiveness Master. Sandy, I'm accepting your invitation. She's

632
00:39:29,719 --> 00:39:34,440
Speaker 1: a radical forgiveness Master. We are doing a forgiveness healing

633
00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:39,640
Speaker 1: ceremony ritual. Now, if you want to take the class

634
00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:43,800
Speaker 1: Radical Forgiveness, it just started. It's a six week class.

635
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:46,520
Speaker 1: You don't have to take the class to come to

636
00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:50,120
Speaker 1: the workshop. But if you take the class and then

637
00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:53,880
Speaker 1: come to the workshop, baby, you're gonna have it going on, okay,

638
00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:57,360
Speaker 1: because forgiveness is the ticket. That's it. Forgiveness is everything,

639
00:39:57,440 --> 00:39:57,880
Speaker 1: right now?

640
00:39:58,360 --> 00:40:01,080
Speaker 2: Ray or I yeah, you got it right, it's real.

641
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:03,600
Speaker 1: Or what would you like to bring to the table

642
00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:04,800
Speaker 1: to the art spot today?

643
00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:09,040
Speaker 4: A little bit similar to the previous lady, I'm you're

644
00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:12,719
Speaker 4: coming out of a nine year relationship nine years with

645
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:19,320
Speaker 4: nine years, yes, ma'am, with a guy you know, and uh,

646
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:22,719
Speaker 4: you know, we came together. It's what I guess. This

647
00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:26,239
Speaker 4: is what they call like our traumas came together and

648
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:30,239
Speaker 4: so it was a trauma relationship, and so it was.

649
00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:34,319
Speaker 1: A wound ship. Those are called wound ships where your

650
00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:38,440
Speaker 1: bonding patterns brought you all together in order to heal.

651
00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:42,120
Speaker 1: But if you didn't heal the bonding patterns and release them,

652
00:40:42,760 --> 00:40:45,400
Speaker 1: it's not good. Yeah, I'm sorry.

653
00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:49,120
Speaker 4: Yeah, And I mean I learned so much about myself.

654
00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:50,920
Speaker 1: Tell me, tell me, tell me what you learned?

655
00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:54,480
Speaker 4: You know, a lot of stuff stems from our parents.

656
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:57,440
Speaker 4: You know my parents, you know, they split, you know,

657
00:40:57,480 --> 00:41:00,560
Speaker 4: when we were young. But I learned that I have

658
00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:07,520
Speaker 4: a lot of passive aggressiveness characteristic and I'm one that

659
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:11,960
Speaker 4: I shut down when somebody when I feel threatened, and

660
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:16,280
Speaker 4: you know I will. I'm a runner too, I run

661
00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:21,960
Speaker 4: and I you know, I'm that kind of person avoidance. Yeah,

662
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:23,879
Speaker 4: I have that avoidance personality.

663
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:27,080
Speaker 1: What what bonded you? What?

664
00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:37,080
Speaker 4: I guess I just needed somebody. I need a stability.

665
00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:41,880
Speaker 4: I was very unstable and he was kind of the

666
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:45,359
Speaker 4: rock you know that I needed. But I guess with

667
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:49,200
Speaker 4: that because he was now he's nine years older than me,

668
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:51,880
Speaker 4: and so with that, I guess I don't know if

669
00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:54,920
Speaker 4: it's just because of the age difference, but there was

670
00:41:54,960 --> 00:41:59,720
Speaker 4: a lot of manipulation and and uh, you know he

671
00:41:59,880 --> 00:42:00,880
Speaker 4: was very controlling.

672
00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:06,759
Speaker 1: Well, you wanted stability. You wanted stability, and in order

673
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:09,800
Speaker 1: to have what would feel stable to you, you needed

674
00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:12,799
Speaker 1: to be turned and twisted because you were unstable. I

675
00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:16,200
Speaker 1: want you to understand how you're speaking, in your thinking

676
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:23,320
Speaker 1: created your experience. I was unstable. So if something is unstable,

677
00:42:23,360 --> 00:42:25,640
Speaker 1: if the boat is rocking or the thing you got

678
00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:31,160
Speaker 1: to stabilize it and control it. So you got exactly

679
00:42:31,200 --> 00:42:32,239
Speaker 1: what you asked for.

680
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:36,080
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I see that I got what I needed.

681
00:42:36,480 --> 00:42:39,400
Speaker 1: Well, you got what you requested, not what you needed.

682
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:42,440
Speaker 1: What you needed was self discipline and self love.

683
00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:47,640
Speaker 4: Exact exactly, yes, ma'am. And you know I've been on

684
00:42:47,680 --> 00:42:50,200
Speaker 4: the on this journey even before I met him. I

685
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:54,480
Speaker 4: was on a personal development path and you know I

686
00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:58,000
Speaker 4: found a secret you know, and the law of attraction

687
00:42:58,560 --> 00:43:01,040
Speaker 4: before I met him, And you know, I had did

688
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:03,400
Speaker 4: a little bit of work to try to you know,

689
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:09,080
Speaker 4: come back to love. But you know it was rough.

690
00:43:09,680 --> 00:43:12,880
Speaker 1: It was rough. So you walked out of that relationship

691
00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:17,160
Speaker 1: knowing what, feeling what, believing what. I walked out of

692
00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:18,839
Speaker 1: that relationship knowing.

693
00:43:20,040 --> 00:43:24,719
Speaker 4: Knowing that I am capable of loving myself and I

694
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:28,880
Speaker 4: don't need anybody to bring stability in my life. I

695
00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:35,400
Speaker 4: can be stable in myself. I'm still working on being stable,

696
00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:38,880
Speaker 4: but you know I have learned. I am learning that

697
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:41,759
Speaker 4: I have the ability to be and I don't need

698
00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:42,960
Speaker 4: anybody else for that.

699
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:46,560
Speaker 1: Was your childhood unstable with the parents breaking up.

700
00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:51,720
Speaker 4: Uh well, military, so we moved around a lot.

701
00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:55,920
Speaker 1: Okay, So that's instability, not bad. No, no heat, no judgment,

702
00:43:56,120 --> 00:43:59,160
Speaker 1: not bad, but you had a feeling I'm going to

703
00:43:59,200 --> 00:44:02,000
Speaker 1: say of instability, and I could be very wrong. You

704
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:04,719
Speaker 1: don't have to wear it if it doesn't apply. Of

705
00:44:04,840 --> 00:44:07,840
Speaker 1: not being safe, well.

706
00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:12,360
Speaker 4: I guess a little bit because of the my environment.

707
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:15,480
Speaker 4: I was in an environment where, like I was bullied

708
00:44:15,520 --> 00:44:16,360
Speaker 4: a lot growing.

709
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:20,239
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, So all right, you walked out of that

710
00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:24,760
Speaker 1: relationship knowing that you don't need anyone else to establish

711
00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:28,000
Speaker 1: your stability, that you can do it for yourself. You

712
00:44:28,040 --> 00:44:30,959
Speaker 1: walked out of that relationship feeling what.

713
00:44:34,480 --> 00:44:42,239
Speaker 4: Stronger, gosh, stronger, definitely stronger and capable, you know, a

714
00:44:42,360 --> 00:44:49,680
Speaker 4: resilient you know, because we separated, you know several times,

715
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:52,160
Speaker 4: but I would we would come back because.

716
00:44:52,520 --> 00:44:54,760
Speaker 1: You weren't complete exactly.

717
00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:59,120
Speaker 4: That's a complete, that's a good word, okay, feeling complete.

718
00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:04,600
Speaker 4: I came out feeling and like, this relationship is completely finished.

719
00:45:04,680 --> 00:45:07,919
Speaker 4: You know that I'm completely moved on from it.

720
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:10,880
Speaker 1: Okay. So you walked out of that relationship knowing you

721
00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:14,080
Speaker 1: don't need anybody to establish your stability. You walked out

722
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:20,720
Speaker 1: of that relationship feeling complete, feeling stronger. Now you walked

723
00:45:20,719 --> 00:45:24,440
Speaker 1: out of that relationship, and now you want what.

724
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:31,400
Speaker 4: That's a good, good question, Well.

725
00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:34,080
Speaker 1: Don't you don't have to answer it. Don't force the answer.

726
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:37,839
Speaker 1: Don't force the answer because that's still open. But that's

727
00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:41,239
Speaker 1: that's a place that you want to investigate so that

728
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:46,160
Speaker 1: you don't Anything that's incomplete from that relationship doesn't show

729
00:45:46,239 --> 00:45:50,000
Speaker 1: up in the next one. You may feel complete, but

730
00:45:50,120 --> 00:45:52,440
Speaker 1: if you're you know, if you I walked out of

731
00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:57,160
Speaker 1: that relationship needing more confidence in myself, needing more uh,

732
00:45:57,560 --> 00:46:01,200
Speaker 1: you know, a deeper relationship with God, out of that relationship,

733
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:05,040
Speaker 1: needing a clearer vision about what I want in a partner. Whatever.

734
00:46:05,640 --> 00:46:08,719
Speaker 1: Don't force it, but investigate it. But I want to

735
00:46:08,880 --> 00:46:11,399
Speaker 1: encourage you and not you know, this is just showing up.

736
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:12,080
Speaker 3: You know.

737
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:16,160
Speaker 1: Every Thursday we have the Invisible Ach Men's book Club.

738
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:19,800
Speaker 1: I don't need it anymore. It's where men come together

739
00:46:20,120 --> 00:46:23,600
Speaker 1: and they're walking through various texts. If you're really on

740
00:46:23,640 --> 00:46:28,000
Speaker 1: that personal development path and you really need some help,

741
00:46:28,080 --> 00:46:30,800
Speaker 1: here's something. Because I know men don't like to ask

742
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:33,520
Speaker 1: for help, they don't like to accept help, they don't

743
00:46:33,560 --> 00:46:40,160
Speaker 1: like to admit they need help. You need help, go

744
00:46:40,239 --> 00:46:44,760
Speaker 1: to the book club Thursday night. It's twenty nine dollars

745
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:47,839
Speaker 1: a month, and the coach there, Robert Pruett. You don't

746
00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:50,480
Speaker 1: care if you black, white, straight, gray, green, as long

747
00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:53,959
Speaker 1: as you're living, you know. But you hear other men

748
00:46:55,239 --> 00:46:58,840
Speaker 1: and how they You'll walk through these various books together

749
00:46:59,239 --> 00:47:02,400
Speaker 1: and you learn. Robert helps you apply it to your life.

750
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:05,839
Speaker 1: So that's the things that you missed. I love you,

751
00:47:05,920 --> 00:47:08,160
Speaker 1: and I'm a mother you and teach you. But there's

752
00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:12,759
Speaker 1: some places where men have to mother each other. There

753
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:14,880
Speaker 1: are millions of places. I'm just telling you about the

754
00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:17,200
Speaker 1: one I got, which is the book club. Go to

755
00:47:17,280 --> 00:47:22,160
Speaker 1: eyamla dot com and look that up. So ultimately, after

756
00:47:22,200 --> 00:47:24,120
Speaker 1: all of this, what was your question?

757
00:47:28,920 --> 00:47:32,960
Speaker 4: Well, I I didn't have a question. I just kind

758
00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:35,560
Speaker 4: of just seen the life and I just follow you

759
00:47:35,600 --> 00:47:36,920
Speaker 4: and I just love you, and so I was like,

760
00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:40,160
Speaker 4: let me talk on and see you know what it is.

761
00:47:40,680 --> 00:47:43,640
Speaker 4: And so I guess if I did have a question,

762
00:47:46,880 --> 00:47:50,360
Speaker 4: I guess it would be like, how how long do

763
00:47:50,440 --> 00:47:52,160
Speaker 4: you think it would take? Because I know I'm not

764
00:47:52,200 --> 00:47:55,120
Speaker 4: completely healed from a relationship, because I mean it's only

765
00:47:55,160 --> 00:47:58,040
Speaker 4: been a month, so you ain't.

766
00:47:57,840 --> 00:48:02,040
Speaker 1: Even how did the relationship yet You're not You're not

767
00:48:02,120 --> 00:48:04,759
Speaker 1: even out a month you're not out give yourself at

768
00:48:04,880 --> 00:48:07,040
Speaker 1: least nine months. Yeah.

769
00:48:07,080 --> 00:48:11,600
Speaker 4: I mean we communicate, and I mean there's there as

770
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:15,680
Speaker 4: there's some tension and everything. But you know, I think

771
00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:20,960
Speaker 4: I'm wondering. Okay, So here's a question. I'm wondering about

772
00:48:20,960 --> 00:48:25,280
Speaker 4: a friendship after marriage with the with the person because

773
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:28,640
Speaker 4: I don't I'm wondering if that's something that is healthy

774
00:48:28,960 --> 00:48:32,279
Speaker 4: or is it not healthy to try to maintain some

775
00:48:32,400 --> 00:48:33,680
Speaker 4: kind of relationship with the person.

776
00:48:33,760 --> 00:48:36,160
Speaker 1: Well, you know, me and my ex husband when we

777
00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:41,359
Speaker 1: were married twice, ours was a forty year relationship and

778
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:45,240
Speaker 1: we are great friends now. We don't hate Thanksgiving dinner together,

779
00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:50,520
Speaker 1: we don't go shopping together. I never forget his birthday,

780
00:48:50,560 --> 00:48:54,480
Speaker 1: he never forgets mine. If something goes on with his children,

781
00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:58,320
Speaker 1: you know who were basically you know, he had children

782
00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:01,640
Speaker 1: before we got to get other. I know about it.

783
00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:04,960
Speaker 1: I have a relationship with some of his children that

784
00:49:05,040 --> 00:49:08,560
Speaker 1: are separate and apart from my relationship with him. He

785
00:49:08,600 --> 00:49:11,720
Speaker 1: has a relationship with my son that's separate and apart

786
00:49:11,760 --> 00:49:14,440
Speaker 1: from his relationship with me. So what am I saying?

787
00:49:14,520 --> 00:49:17,800
Speaker 1: First of all, you need time to develop the new normal.

788
00:49:18,880 --> 00:49:21,320
Speaker 1: You can't come out of a marriage a love ship

789
00:49:21,440 --> 00:49:23,719
Speaker 1: a wound ship, and then expect you all are going

790
00:49:23,760 --> 00:49:27,000
Speaker 1: to be friends, because it's really the time of part

791
00:49:27,160 --> 00:49:31,000
Speaker 1: that will bring to the surface the things that were unresolved,

792
00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:34,200
Speaker 1: the things that were revealed, the things that you came

793
00:49:34,280 --> 00:49:36,719
Speaker 1: together to heal. You can't do that a month out

794
00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:39,680
Speaker 1: a month out. It just needs to be Hey, how

795
00:49:39,719 --> 00:49:42,600
Speaker 1: you doing. You know, as jacked up as it is,

796
00:49:42,640 --> 00:49:45,040
Speaker 1: I miss you, but I'm wishing you the best and

797
00:49:45,160 --> 00:49:48,160
Speaker 1: moving forward. Don't act like you don't miss it. Don't

798
00:49:48,239 --> 00:49:51,400
Speaker 1: act like there's a don't act like, right down between

799
00:49:51,440 --> 00:49:54,719
Speaker 1: your little toe and the other toe right there, there's

800
00:49:54,760 --> 00:49:59,200
Speaker 1: a spot that still wants it. That's okay, yeah, yeah.

801
00:49:59,320 --> 00:50:03,280
Speaker 1: So the thing is this nine months or this healing period,

802
00:50:03,600 --> 00:50:08,000
Speaker 1: it's to eliminate that spot that still wants it. That

803
00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:13,360
Speaker 1: sucker has got to be eliminated. Otherwise you'll be in

804
00:50:13,440 --> 00:50:15,960
Speaker 1: and out, in and out, back and forth. So here

805
00:50:16,040 --> 00:50:22,040
Speaker 1: is the prayer, precious Lord of the universe. Just now

806
00:50:22,200 --> 00:50:28,040
Speaker 1: I ask you to reveal to me those places within

807
00:50:28,160 --> 00:50:33,400
Speaker 1: myself that are healing, have healed, that need to be

808
00:50:33,480 --> 00:50:40,160
Speaker 1: healed as a result of my relationship with Booboo. Reveal them,

809
00:50:40,400 --> 00:50:43,239
Speaker 1: show me lift the veil so that I may be

810
00:50:43,480 --> 00:50:46,960
Speaker 1: whole and complete and move forward. Now you may not

811
00:50:47,040 --> 00:50:49,880
Speaker 1: remember all of that, but some version of it. Just

812
00:50:49,920 --> 00:50:53,799
Speaker 1: ask God to show you the places in you that

813
00:50:53,840 --> 00:50:57,120
Speaker 1: you went into that relationship to heal, show you the

814
00:50:57,160 --> 00:51:00,399
Speaker 1: ones that are healed, the ones that needed the need

815
00:51:00,440 --> 00:51:03,239
Speaker 1: to be healed, the ones that you haven't even scratched,

816
00:51:03,920 --> 00:51:06,440
Speaker 1: and so that you can move forward into it. And

817
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:09,279
Speaker 1: that's going to take time. That's why they go to

818
00:51:09,360 --> 00:51:13,120
Speaker 1: the book club. Go and whatever they're reading. They just

819
00:51:13,160 --> 00:51:16,480
Speaker 1: finish Love Without Conditions by Paul Farini. I don't know

820
00:51:16,520 --> 00:51:18,480
Speaker 1: what they're reading now, but they're reading I think you

821
00:51:18,520 --> 00:51:21,080
Speaker 1: can have it all. I don't know anyway Robert will

822
00:51:21,120 --> 00:51:23,440
Speaker 1: help you, but he asks, he answers all kinds of

823
00:51:23,520 --> 00:51:27,440
Speaker 1: questions so that you can be with other men. And

824
00:51:27,880 --> 00:51:31,319
Speaker 1: because even though you're in same sex relationship, you still

825
00:51:31,320 --> 00:51:37,120
Speaker 1: got testicles, You got testaments, right, you do. And the

826
00:51:37,160 --> 00:51:39,560
Speaker 1: only reason I asked that is so that I know

827
00:51:39,600 --> 00:51:43,640
Speaker 1: whether you're doing estrogen or progesterate, so you still and

828
00:51:44,200 --> 00:51:48,880
Speaker 1: you're human, you still have a heart. You have I

829
00:51:48,920 --> 00:51:51,319
Speaker 1: coudn't saying the Invisible Ache. It's the man Cave. It's

830
00:51:51,360 --> 00:51:54,760
Speaker 1: the man Cave book club. You still have a heart,

831
00:51:56,000 --> 00:51:59,200
Speaker 1: and your heart is fragile, and your heart can be broken,

832
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:02,200
Speaker 1: and you'll your heart is open, and your heart wants

833
00:52:02,239 --> 00:52:04,840
Speaker 1: to be loved, and your heart wants to be accepted.

834
00:52:05,440 --> 00:52:08,279
Speaker 1: And the way to do that in today's world is

835
00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:11,839
Speaker 1: to come up out of the broken humanness into your

836
00:52:11,960 --> 00:52:17,640
Speaker 1: divinity as an expression of divine light and love. And

837
00:52:17,920 --> 00:52:20,440
Speaker 1: you still may have jacked of relationships, but at least

838
00:52:20,520 --> 00:52:24,240
Speaker 1: you won't leave them feeling a deficit. Because see, when

839
00:52:24,440 --> 00:52:29,400
Speaker 1: you love yourself, when you know yourself, when you accept yourself,

840
00:52:30,160 --> 00:52:33,719
Speaker 1: humans can disappoint you, but they don't leave you in

841
00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:37,640
Speaker 1: a deficit. They leave you in Well. Damn, that was interesting.

842
00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:43,840
Speaker 1: When'd you like to be like that? Damn? That is interesting. Okay,

843
00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:49,520
Speaker 1: let's see what else is coming up. Okay, yeah, go

844
00:52:49,600 --> 00:52:54,440
Speaker 1: to thank you for calling and listen. Remember it's a

845
00:52:54,440 --> 00:52:59,120
Speaker 1: little spot right in here that still wants him. You

846
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:05,120
Speaker 1: gotta clean you got that thing needs to be extracted. Yes, okay,

847
00:53:05,719 --> 00:53:11,400
Speaker 1: why do you want it? That's what you gotta because

848
00:53:11,480 --> 00:53:16,480
Speaker 1: that's that's what bonded. Y'ell, that's what bond is. Okay,

849
00:53:16,520 --> 00:53:21,239
Speaker 1: all righty bye bye, Tune into the R spot. We've

850
00:53:21,239 --> 00:53:28,360
Speaker 1: got three years of shows on Shondaland iHeartRadio. Tune into

851
00:53:28,719 --> 00:53:32,359
Speaker 1: the art Spot. I'll be back here next week. I'll

852
00:53:32,360 --> 00:53:36,239
Speaker 1: bring you a new question. We can do another one together. Okay.

853
00:53:36,640 --> 00:53:40,919
Speaker 1: I hope you've heard something today that you can use

854
00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:45,719
Speaker 1: in your life, and please use it. Love ya mean it.

855
00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:48,640
Speaker 1: Thanks for tuning in and I'll see you real soon.

856
00:53:49,000 --> 00:53:53,400
Speaker 1: Be good to each other, take care of each other. Bye.

857
00:53:54,600 --> 00:53:58,000
Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in

858
00:53:58,120 --> 00:54:03,760
Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit

859
00:54:03,840 --> 00:54:08,160
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to

860
00:54:08,520 --> 00:54:09,399
Speaker 1: your favorite show.