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Speaker 1: Your worlds?

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Speaker 2: Would you believe.

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Speaker 1: Your midsillion pieces?

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Speaker 2: Would you believe?

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Speaker 1: Bananas?

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Speaker 2: Bananas? Hello folks, and welcome to another minisode of Bananas.

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Speaker 2: That's right.

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Speaker 3: I'm Kurt Brownler, I'm Scotti Banana Boy number two Landis.

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Speaker 3: Thank you for listening to Bananas on Stitch of Premium

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Speaker 3: on the exactly Right Media Network, Only on exactly right

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Speaker 3: Media Network.

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Speaker 2: So if you are new.

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Speaker 3: To minisots, we are now doing Bananas Confessions. We're the bananimals.

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Speaker 3: You send them in or you bring them to our

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Speaker 3: live shows. You we will read them anonymously. We will

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Speaker 3: ever call you out or you know, you can tell

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Speaker 3: us anything. We'll switch names whatever you want us to do.

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Speaker 3: We'll call everybody Roberta Roberta. And if your name's Roberta,

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Speaker 3: we're gonna call you John and everybody's gonna know you're Roberta.

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Speaker 3: So for all the Roberta's out there, send us your

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Speaker 3: banana's confessions. Kurt and I do have one caveat. We

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Speaker 3: asked for him.

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Speaker 4: Uh.

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Speaker 2: We got so many.

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Speaker 3: Stories about people taking a crap in their pants accidentally

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Speaker 3: or on purpose, and we got those covered. We have

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Speaker 3: about three hundred to pick from, maybe we're gonna do

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Speaker 3: it all night Boom Boom in your pants episode. But

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Speaker 3: right now, send us anything. But except if you send

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Speaker 3: us that you killed somebody or heard somebody, we're gonna

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Speaker 3: report you police.

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Speaker 2: So don't do that.

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Speaker 3: Low level misdemeanors only. We will talk about misdemeanors without judgment.

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Speaker 3: But if you heard anybody.

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Speaker 2: I'm calling.

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Speaker 1: I'm calling to report Instagram user. Ha gie, mommy, Yes,

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Speaker 1: who is this? This is Banana Boy number two. We're

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Speaker 1: right there.

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Speaker 2: Where do we go to? Surprise land boy? Oh boy?

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Speaker 2: It's so fun. But we love all of this one. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: give me some. Let's get into confessions. We're gonna do

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Speaker 2: maybe several, several. Here's one confession.

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Speaker 1: Yes, on my last day of a summer job I

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Speaker 1: had during university, I single handedly stole a desk from

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Speaker 1: my office fantastic, jammed it into my mom's mini van,

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Speaker 1: then drove it three hours to my student apartment.

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Speaker 2: Wow. Yeah, great, that's really funny. I do it.

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Speaker 1: I do appreciate that a lot. I think I was

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Speaker 1: into stealing useless things. And I heard this whole uh

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Speaker 1: episode of reply all about this trend on TikTok called

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Speaker 1: a devious lick and it's so dumb, and it became

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Speaker 1: like a real problem for public schools. But it was

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Speaker 1: just like, uh, the way the fucking weird TikTok algorithm works,

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Speaker 1: it's like one thing can just take off in a

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Speaker 1: way that just doesn't happen on other social media pa.

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Speaker 1: So it was literally this kid in high school just

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Speaker 1: like with a photograph of all these like masks that

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Speaker 1: he stole from his high school.

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Speaker 2: Okay, and then it just said a devious lick.

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Speaker 1: And then everyone became obsessed with stealing stupid, useless things

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Speaker 1: from their high schools.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I got a million of them.

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Speaker 1: And it became so it became like a huge problem

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Speaker 1: for these public schools because they spend so much money.

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Speaker 1: Like people were stealing all of the soap out of

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Speaker 1: these soap dispensers and then just bringing them home and

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Speaker 1: then posting it on TikTok.

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Speaker 2: You know, yeah it happens that they had. Yeah, I mean, like,

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Speaker 2: do you have any dumb stealing stories. Oh sure, I

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Speaker 2: mean when you're young, you do that kind of thing.

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Speaker 4: Well.

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Speaker 3: I used to hang out with the older kids on

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Speaker 3: the street and they were all teenagers on high school.

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Speaker 3: We were middle school, and one day they were like, hey,

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Speaker 3: we're all riding our bike to this middle school, not

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Speaker 3: our middle school, and so we go and one of

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Speaker 3: them figured out that they could break into the concession stand,

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Speaker 3: and so about twelve of us just walked in, took

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Speaker 3: every single thing from the confession stand, and then just

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Speaker 3: put in backpacks and rode back. And then when we

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Speaker 3: got there, we had entire containers of fireballs, entire lemonheads,

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Speaker 3: entire containers of everything. So they like divvied it up

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Speaker 3: and they were like, go sell these at your school.

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Speaker 3: Like it was like, so I was like nervous, But

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Speaker 3: then we were back on my street and I was like,

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Speaker 3: I guess we got away with it, but I mean

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Speaker 3: it was absolutely theft, Like it was across the board.

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Speaker 1: We that's like mafia theft, It's like, and then go

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Speaker 1: sell it, Go sell it.

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Speaker 2: That's the funniest part.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it was like we got a bunch of fireballs,

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Speaker 1: we could eat the ball.

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Speaker 2: No, it was like get out there. So they gave

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Speaker 2: me all the sour stuff.

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Speaker 3: They gave me the warheads and the lemonheads and tear jerkers.

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Speaker 3: I think they were called her cry babies, and so

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Speaker 3: I went and I started just selling them for like

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Speaker 3: a quarter each to in school, and you know, you

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Speaker 3: just take like twenty. But then there's other kid named Zach,

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Speaker 3: who honestly must be like a Wall Street head fun

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Speaker 3: grow at this point, he saw what I was doing,

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Speaker 3: and so he got his parents and so he was selling.

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Speaker 3: And we got to the point where we were selling

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Speaker 3: so many sour candies that the school had to be like,

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Speaker 3: nobody's allowed to bring candy in to school, nobody's allowed

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Speaker 3: to sell any candy. And we were just these little

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Speaker 3: Catholic school kids just like, hey, you want some cry babies.

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Speaker 3: It's like four for a dollar in the coat room.

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Speaker 3: So I've never dealt drugs, but that's the closest thing

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Speaker 3: we ever got to it.

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Speaker 2: And those were like I remember those lemonheads.

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Speaker 1: They were like little boxes, right, Yeah, there were little

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Speaker 1: boxes that are like sixty cents.

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Speaker 3: Usually they were great, it was, but yeah, I was

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Speaker 3: an ra too. My sophomore year U Mass, and the

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Speaker 3: big thing at U Mass was stealing all the lounge

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Speaker 3: furniture and putting it in your dorm room.

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Speaker 2: So the sofas and the tables.

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Speaker 3: You turn the tables into beer pong tables right, you

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Speaker 3: would take the love seats in the sofas, and then

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Speaker 3: everybody would hang tapestries over them because they were like

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Speaker 3: if you can't fit glease, see that it's lounge furniture,

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Speaker 3: you can't enter a residence room and like be like,

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Speaker 3: show me what's under that blanket.

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Speaker 2: I know it's crazy.

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Speaker 3: So you'd have to do the rounds, like I guess

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Speaker 3: like three or four times a month. You would be

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Speaker 3: up and if somebody got locked out, you had to

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Speaker 3: let them in, and then you would do rounds every

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Speaker 3: hour and a half.

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Speaker 2: Every hour and a half.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it was myself and then another RA and we

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Speaker 3: would sit in the RA office till like two am,

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Speaker 3: I think, and then from nine pm to two am,

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Speaker 3: you would just have to walk all the floors. And

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Speaker 3: I never wrote a single person up the entire time

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Speaker 3: I was there, because also I partied a lot in

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Speaker 3: my dorm room as a freshman, and it's like, you know,

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Speaker 3: it wasn't going to be a hypocrite. But whenever I

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Speaker 3: would see lounge furniture clearly, and you'd see him like scrambled,

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Speaker 3: like hide it, like somebody would lay down on the

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Speaker 3: side and then a thing of Natty Ice would go

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Speaker 3: over it and I would be like, so, guys, I

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Speaker 3: didn't see anything. But when we do our rounds in

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Speaker 3: an hour and a half, if anything in here is

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Speaker 3: back in the lounge and your door is closed, you

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Speaker 3: can go all night. I won't even tell, like at

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Speaker 3: four am, if you guys are partying and they're like

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Speaker 3: really like they thought I was like a trapping them.

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Speaker 3: And you'd go back and all the furniture on the

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Speaker 3: floor would be back in there, and then the next

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Speaker 3: night it would all be back in their rooms. It

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Speaker 3: was like the greatest con It was like the Yeah,

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Speaker 3: it was like the brown paper bag on a beer bottle.

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Speaker 2: It's like, we know what you're doing. I'm on the

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Speaker 2: same team as.

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Speaker 3: You, but I am the cops in this situation, and

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Speaker 3: it was so fun. It was like I yeah, I

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Speaker 3: never ever wrote anybody up, but on Thursday, on Thursday Thursdays,

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Speaker 3: it would all return in and by Friday night it

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Speaker 3: was all back in the rooms.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god. It was oh man, that the dorm furniture.

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Speaker 1: I'll tell you first about a stupid thing I stole once,

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Speaker 1: the dumbest thing the things that I would steal. I

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Speaker 1: would always try to steal them in like high risk situations,

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Speaker 1: because I think that's what I enjoyed about it.

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Speaker 2: And it was always useless.

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Speaker 1: But the best one I think ever got was I

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Speaker 1: was eighteen and at McDonald's and I was like, I

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Speaker 1: could steal anything from McDonald's.

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Speaker 2: They're not gonna do this is a corporation.

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Speaker 1: And while I'm ordering, while I'm talking to the person

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Speaker 1: behind the register, I was slowly unplugging the the pin

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Speaker 1: pad for the for like to put it in your

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Speaker 1: pin pad, and then talking and then like pointing at

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Speaker 1: stuff and then slowly pulling it in across and then

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Speaker 1: putting it in my bag. So that I got home

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Speaker 1: and I just had like a pin pad for McDonald's.

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Speaker 2: Why do we do that?

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Speaker 1: But I was so proud of it, you know. I

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Speaker 1: would just like put it up like huh, and everyone

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Speaker 1: was like why do you have that? I was like,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna do something with it. I was like, I

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Speaker 1: never did anything with it. I was like, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: make art out of it. I was like, no, I

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Speaker 1: did it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like, don't steal stuff, but when you're young,

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Speaker 3: so many people do.

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Speaker 2: I absolve you of that.

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Speaker 3: But the dumber the better and a pin pad for

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Speaker 3: McDonald's ultimately pretty.

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Speaker 2: Victimless, Pretty Victim, Pretty Victim.

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Speaker 1: I also remember my my freshman year roommate was Rough.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if I talked about him, but he

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Speaker 1: was from upstate New York. He was uh, he loved

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Speaker 1: Rush Rush Limbaugh. And this is nineteen ninety five, so

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Speaker 1: he's like, he loved smoking weed and was hyper conservative.

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Speaker 2: It was the weirdest mixed the time of a human being.

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Speaker 2: He was a time bomb. It is a time bomb.

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Speaker 1: He loved the grateful dead and smoking weed and fucking

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Speaker 1: talking about Rush Limbaugh.

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Speaker 2: And I hated him.

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Speaker 1: The only, the only redeeming quality that this human being

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Speaker 1: had was every single night he would fall asleep to

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Speaker 1: Tracy Chapman.

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Speaker 2: He would put it. He would put a Tracy Chapman

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Speaker 2: CD on and that is how he would fall asleep. Amazing, amazing, wow.

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Speaker 1: And things just started to slowly escalate because I was

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Speaker 1: really in if I would like, you know, like I

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Speaker 1: was in an acting out phase at eighteen, you know,

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Speaker 1: purple hair, just like fuck everything, yes, And I was like,

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Speaker 1: this guy sucks so much.

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Speaker 2: And we'd even tried to be friends in the beginning,

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Speaker 2: like went.

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Speaker 1: And smoked weed together like the second day or something,

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Speaker 1: and then he started talking about Rush Limbaugh, and I

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Speaker 1: was like, okay, we're not going to be friends.

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Speaker 2: And then he joined a frat and I think I.

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Speaker 1: Like showed up at his frat just because someone had

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Speaker 1: invited me to a party, and he took it as

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Speaker 1: like a weird personal offense, which I still won't understand

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Speaker 1: to this day, and so like yelled at me or whatever,

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Speaker 1: and I went back to my our dorm and I

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Speaker 1: was so mad. I was like, I cannot live with

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Speaker 1: this guy anymore. I gotta get out of here. I

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Speaker 1: hate this guy. So what I did was I so

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Speaker 1: I rearranged the furniture in the room so that it

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Speaker 1: was split down the middle, like classic sitcom idea. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I literally put my desk and my and my bureau

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Speaker 1: so it was in the middle of the So you

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Speaker 1: had you opened the door and right in the middle

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Speaker 1: was a bureau and then you had to go go

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Speaker 1: to the left or go to the right. So he

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Speaker 1: had his side and I had my side. And then

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Speaker 1: I hung up a sheets so that you couldn't see

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Speaker 1: into my side, and it he like lost, he freaked

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Speaker 1: like he almost we almost got into a physical fist fight.

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Speaker 1: He like came in when he saw it, like ripped

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Speaker 1: it all down. It was just like ready to fight,

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Speaker 1: and I was just like like what, Like, I've just

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Speaker 1: I just rearranged all of our furniture. Yes, and then

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Speaker 1: luckily I got out. I got out, I got someone

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Speaker 1: to swap with me. He got some rand. I think

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Speaker 1: he actually got to live by himself in that place,

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Speaker 1: and I went and lived with that.

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Speaker 2: Sounds like a good thing. He might have gone off

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Speaker 2: on somebody.

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Speaker 3: That is the craziest combination Weed Rushling Ball and Tracy Chapman.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and up state New York.

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Speaker 3: Is another part of that detail. Of State New York

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Speaker 3: is a very different part of the country.

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Speaker 2: It really really is. All right, Scott, you got one.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I liked this. I'm going to stick to college

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Speaker 3: stuff too. And maybe this is what we need to do.

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Speaker 3: Maybe we need to go we want Banana's confessions about blank.

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Speaker 2: Blank Yeah, holidays. I like that. Yeah. I think that

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Speaker 2: or shoplifting or whatever.

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Speaker 3: I think we need to specify more so we don't

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Speaker 3: just get people crapping their pants. I worked for a

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Speaker 3: newspaper in college and was supposed to stand on the

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Speaker 3: street corners and pass out newspapers. I never did it, Like,

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Speaker 3: I literally never did it. I would lie that I

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Speaker 3: did it and managed to get paid for ten hours

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Speaker 3: a week for two years, and then I got promoted

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Speaker 3: to manager of that position.

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Speaker 2: My god, you.

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Speaker 3: Were absolved because you beat You found a loophole and

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Speaker 3: Americans love.

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Speaker 1: Finding a loop reminds me of the single greatest day

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Speaker 1: job I've ever had in my entire life, oh, which

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Speaker 1: was working at Access Staffing.

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Speaker 2: Oh. Yes, Access staff.

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Speaker 1: It was amazing. I got a job. I just told

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Speaker 1: said I new HTML. They hired me as their web developer.

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Speaker 1: I faked my way in. I was didn't know anything

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Speaker 1: about computers. I then fixed computers for eight years. Yes,

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Speaker 1: and it was the most fascinating place. Like I hated

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Speaker 1: working there. I hated it deeply to my core. But

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Speaker 1: it really did allow me so much free time to

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Speaker 1: write comedy while being paid and having health insurance. So

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Speaker 1: I do thank them for that absolutely. But these people

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Speaker 1: who worked there were honestly the weirdest people I've ever

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Speaker 1: met in.

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Speaker 2: My entire life.

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Speaker 1: I remember one day I was just in my like

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Speaker 1: I also can I would just like continually abuse the system.

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Speaker 1: I was like, my office was the computer room.

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Speaker 2: I had them move.

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Speaker 1: I moved my stuff into the computer room and they're like,

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Speaker 1: what are you doing. I was like, Oh, I need

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Speaker 1: to be in here to check on the servers.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, need to be closer to where the action is you.

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Speaker 1: Just so I could shut my door and take naps.

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Speaker 1: And one day this guy walks in. I he's barely

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Speaker 1: a barely an acquaintance, okay, yes, nine am Wednesday, comes up,

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Speaker 1: throws his arm against the door jam in my office,

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Speaker 1: the computer room, the window of his computer room, and

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Speaker 1: he goes, hey, man, I was with a prostitute last night.

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Speaker 2: What a brag?

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Speaker 1: And I was like, I don't know this guy, and

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Speaker 1: so I was just like, oh, oh h yeah, He's

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Speaker 1: like yeah, pretty awesome. And then I like just stood

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Speaker 1: at him, just like stared at him, like being like

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Speaker 1: what what what? What could I possibly say next in

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Speaker 1: this situation? And then he just kind of peeled out

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Speaker 1: off and walked into the to get coffee like he's

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Speaker 1: just he must have been just going around telling everyone

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Speaker 1: in the office.

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Speaker 2: It was crazy. I've had that.

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Speaker 3: I worked with a couple of people that did a

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Speaker 3: very similar thing to that. And now as an adult,

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Speaker 3: I have two friends who are sex workers who are

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Speaker 3: of high end escorts, and we tell me stories. Maybe

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Speaker 3: I'll have one of them on actually, because they have

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Speaker 3: some great stories. But like some of the things I've

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Speaker 3: been told from them, it's like a lot of times

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Speaker 3: it's not sexual. A lot of times it's just somebody

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Speaker 3: likes to shop for you and they like to feel

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Speaker 3: like they're saving you, like they're like messia syndrome or whatever.

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Speaker 2: Wow, there's a lot. Yeah, maybe I'll let me talk

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Speaker 2: to Maybe I'll have.

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Speaker 3: One of my friends on because they have incredible stories

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Speaker 3: that we could do anonymous.

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Speaker 2: That would be amazing.

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Speaker 3: Oh man, I yeah, I uh oh. I worked for

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Speaker 3: this thing. It was actually kind of a cool idea.

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Speaker 3: So all these major schools, like major universities, this guy

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Speaker 3: had this idea pre internet, early internet videos where he

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Speaker 3: created this thing that was called like campus TV, and

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Speaker 3: he would come on and he brought like eight video

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Speaker 3: cameras and then you would hire somebody and then hire

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Speaker 3: eight videographers or filmographers and their job was every week

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Speaker 3: they had to film two hours of campus life anything

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Speaker 3: they wanted. So I WoT to catch the football game

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Speaker 3: if you wanted to catch hanging out throw on the

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Speaker 3: frisbee hours, yeah, and then you would.

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Speaker 2: Get every week. Wow, that's okay.

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Speaker 3: And so I was the manager. I was the person

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Speaker 3: that hired everybody. So I would go to my friends

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Speaker 3: who I knew needed money and be like, do you

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Speaker 3: want to do this job? You get like two hundred

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Speaker 3: dollars a month and you just have to shoot like

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Speaker 3: an hour to four hours of footage every month.

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Speaker 2: They're like yes.

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Speaker 3: And then, just like this young woman who never ever,

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Speaker 3: not once ever handed out newspapers, my all my filmographers

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Speaker 3: or videographers or whatever slowly realized that they could just

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Speaker 3: film the same exact things every single week, like people

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Speaker 3: in their dorm lobby or the fountain on campus with

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Speaker 3: the geese. And so we just kept turning in the

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Speaker 3: same tapes to the point where I would just unpack

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Speaker 3: the tapes send it back in. They had a small

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Speaker 3: team of editors somewhere, and then they had big screen

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Speaker 3: TVs on campus that would just air that looping twenty

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Speaker 3: four to seven.

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Speaker 2: That was it.

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Speaker 3: There's run ads, Wow, there's just what's going on on

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Speaker 3: campus last week? And Yeah, for two years I would

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Speaker 3: just turn in the same eight tapes from a same

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Speaker 3: eight friends. Sometimes somebody would put something in if there

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Speaker 3: was like a Halloween.

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Speaker 2: Party or whatever.

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Speaker 3: But we all got paid just turning in the same

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Speaker 3: campus footage for years.

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Speaker 2: That's amazing. I love that so much. It's yeah, perfect, though.

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Speaker 3: I didn't feel bad because you would walk by and

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Speaker 3: there'd be people looking at these big screens and would

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Speaker 3: be like like people painting a mural on the side

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Speaker 3: of the basketball court, and then it would be like

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Speaker 3: just cut to cheerleaders and then it would cut too

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Speaker 3: like kids like waving at the camera walking to class,

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Speaker 3: and so it all looks the same anyways. It's like

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Speaker 3: every college university pamphlet or brochure looks exactly the same.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, we all got paid for Oh I love that.

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Speaker 2: And I'll tell you one more thing about acts spaffing. Sure.

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Speaker 1: I So, I like my office was right on the

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Speaker 1: way to the break room and then Caddy corner essentially

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Speaker 1: from where my office was was a woman who I

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Speaker 1: won't use her full name, but her first name was Barbara, and.

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Speaker 2: Barbara would uh.

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Speaker 1: So we had bagel Friday every Friday, very big us

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Speaker 1: uh and like Barbara would go in early and like

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Speaker 1: take a bagel, which we all would do, and then

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Speaker 1: she would take four more and put him in the

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Speaker 1: freezer so that she could have bagels for the other

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Speaker 1: four days, like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. No edit, drove

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Speaker 1: everyone fucking crazy, to the point where this one guy

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Speaker 1: was just like I just heard it, like she has

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Speaker 1: been taking bagels, and he was just like, you.

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Speaker 2: Can't steal all the bagels.

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Speaker 1: Barbro.

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Speaker 2: And she's like, I'm not stealing Therefore everyone He's.

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Speaker 1: Like, yeah, everybody hasn't had a chance to get the

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Speaker 1: bagels yet, like it's so right, but totally he's right.

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Speaker 1: But also the rage at something that was just a perk,

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Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Just like a nice perk,

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Speaker 1: and it wasn't ever like there wasn't enough bagels, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean, maybe if you came in at

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Speaker 1: four pm, the bagels were gone by that point.

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Speaker 2: That's so good. That's a great line. You should put

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Speaker 2: that in something.

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Speaker 3: I love that scene, just a guy going over the

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Speaker 3: top about bagel Fridays.

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Speaker 2: Barber is the perfect name for it to workplace.

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Speaker 3: I think workplace Confessions for We'll put it up so

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Speaker 3: if you're hearing this now, but between this and the

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Speaker 3: next Thursday or two thursdays, workplace confessions, Yeah, workplace Banana's confessions,

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Speaker 3: and we'll post it.

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Speaker 2: But it's been great. I actually like doing these.

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Speaker 3: These are a little more fun because I think it

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Speaker 3: puts less pressure on the ban animals have to write

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Speaker 3: three paragraphs.

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Speaker 1: Risto, exactly agreed, and realize and remember, if you're seeing

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Speaker 1: this on the main feed, this is a year ago

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Speaker 1: we're talking about.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so we're we're talking right now. People who are

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Speaker 2: on such premium listening to.

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Speaker 1: This right now in real time. Scotty, we did it again.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much, friend.

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Speaker 3: You got it, buddy, Katie Levine, Lisa Maggott, exactly right.

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Speaker 3: Everybody involved in Bananas, we love you. Thank you so so,

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00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:10,920
Speaker 3: so very much. This has been burniionaeers. This has been

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00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,000
Speaker 3: an exactly right production.

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00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:16,200
Speaker 2: Produced and engineered by Katie Levine, theme music by Kahan,

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Speaker 2: and all of our artwork is done by Travis Millard.

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Speaker 4: You can follow us on Instagram at the Bananas Podcast,

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00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,960
Speaker 4: where we post stories every day and things that we

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Speaker 4: don't cover on the podcast.

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Speaker 1: Listen, subscribe, and please leave us a review on Apple

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00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,280
Speaker 1: Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast.

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Speaker 4: And if you're interested in advertising on Bananas, please email

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Speaker 4: us at the Bananas Podcast at gmail dot com. That's

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Speaker 4: the Bananas Podcast at gmail dot com.

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Speaker 1: Birthday