1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:02,640 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of 2 00:00:02,759 --> 00:00:07,280 Speaker 1: a Really Good Cry. I must tell you that I 3 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:11,160 Speaker 1: definitely had a really good cry just yesterday. Actually, sometimes 4 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 1: I feel like things pent up in me, and sometimes 5 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:17,040 Speaker 1: I feel like I feel other people's emotions, and when 6 00:00:17,079 --> 00:00:20,439 Speaker 1: I'm around different things, I just think things build up. 7 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:24,120 Speaker 1: And I needed to release that. And I've been working 8 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:27,680 Speaker 1: out intensely and I have had a lot of work 9 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:29,600 Speaker 1: things going on, personal things going on. I was like, 10 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:33,159 Speaker 1: you know what, it was time. So I had a 11 00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:35,320 Speaker 1: really good cry yesterday and it made me feel so 12 00:00:35,479 --> 00:00:39,440 Speaker 1: much better. I woke up clearer, brighter, lighter, and it 13 00:00:39,479 --> 00:00:41,320 Speaker 1: reminded me of you know when there's like a really 14 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:43,440 Speaker 1: big storm and then you wake up the next morning 15 00:00:43,479 --> 00:00:45,800 Speaker 1: and the sky is bright and blue. That's how I 16 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:48,360 Speaker 1: felt this morning. I'm still feeling a little bit energy drained, 17 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:51,800 Speaker 1: but overall, I feel like the sun is peaking out 18 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,120 Speaker 1: of the clouds and it feels a little bit better. 19 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:56,760 Speaker 1: So if anybody is feeling a little bit heavy, you're 20 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,080 Speaker 1: listening to this thinking, oh, I've been feeling all those things. 21 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,440 Speaker 1: You need to have put on a sad song, or 22 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,080 Speaker 1: we need to put on some sort of movie. That 23 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:06,240 Speaker 1: just allows you to ball or just allow yourself to 24 00:01:06,319 --> 00:01:09,959 Speaker 1: because sometimes it's just us holding ourselves back and you 25 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:13,160 Speaker 1: don't need to do that. Releasing it is so therapeutic. 26 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,959 Speaker 1: You have no idea now. One thing that's been on 27 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:19,440 Speaker 1: my mind lately, which is what this podcast episode is about, 28 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 1: is friendship. Have some incredible friends in my life. I'm 29 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:26,800 Speaker 1: so grateful for them, but I had a situation with 30 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:29,080 Speaker 1: a friend recently where I felt like she was expecting 31 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,440 Speaker 1: a lot from me when we were not that close. 32 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:34,959 Speaker 1: We're friends, but we're not best friends, and the expectations 33 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:36,920 Speaker 1: were to do with business. They were to do with 34 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,800 Speaker 1: me giving what I believe was above and beyond what 35 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,400 Speaker 1: the friendship deserved or what I felt the friendship had 36 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,560 Speaker 1: been built on. There had been investment from both sides. 37 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,280 Speaker 1: We spent time together in group settings like we'd spent 38 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,240 Speaker 1: a lot of time together, but I didn't believe that 39 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:56,120 Speaker 1: we're Our friendship is at a stage where we are 40 00:01:56,760 --> 00:02:00,240 Speaker 1: best friends, close friends, people who even really spend that 41 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:04,120 Speaker 1: much time by ourselves together. We have a great relationship. 42 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,040 Speaker 1: I love our friendship, but I would say it's not 43 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,000 Speaker 1: as deep as other friendships that I had, where I 44 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,360 Speaker 1: would go above and beyond for them. When she first 45 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:13,760 Speaker 1: asked me something, I was like, you know what, of 46 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,240 Speaker 1: course I'll do it. Like in my mind at first 47 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:18,240 Speaker 1: I thought, yeah, of course I'll do it. And then 48 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,320 Speaker 1: another favor was asked and I was like, you know what, 49 00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:24,040 Speaker 1: that felt like it was asking just a little bit 50 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:25,919 Speaker 1: too much of me. I've been trying to be better 51 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,720 Speaker 1: at this and I ended up saying no. And I 52 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,720 Speaker 1: thought it was okay for me to say no because 53 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,120 Speaker 1: it felt like a very unfair ask in my mind, 54 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,720 Speaker 1: but it made her feel like I wasn't a good 55 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,720 Speaker 1: friend to her, and to me that felt really unreasonable. 56 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,359 Speaker 1: It felt like such an unreasonable expectation, but to her 57 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,880 Speaker 1: it was unfair of me to have said no. And 58 00:02:42,919 --> 00:02:44,400 Speaker 1: so it got me thinking how did I even end 59 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,680 Speaker 1: up in this situation where there was such misalignment and expectations, 60 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:51,560 Speaker 1: And also resurfaced this question in my mind of friendship 61 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,480 Speaker 1: with personal gain. What does a fake friendship look like? 62 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,440 Speaker 1: What does it feel like? And how do you know 63 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,919 Speaker 1: investigate and find out whether you are in a fake friendship? 64 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,600 Speaker 1: But more importantly, how can you know before getting too 65 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,720 Speaker 1: deep into one? I think that's something that most of 66 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,400 Speaker 1: us probably struggle with how do I know if this 67 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:10,040 Speaker 1: is a true friend, Whether it's in relationships, whether it's 68 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:13,080 Speaker 1: in friendships. We go through the same thing whenever it 69 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,399 Speaker 1: comes to human to human interactions. But you know, through 70 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:17,799 Speaker 1: thinking about it, I have to do a lot of 71 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,680 Speaker 1: reflection on myself as well and realize that the signs 72 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,480 Speaker 1: of fake friendship do not look the same in every situation. 73 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:26,680 Speaker 1: But if you do examine them closely, if you've had 74 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,919 Speaker 1: a few in your life, you probably end up seeing patterns. 75 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:32,080 Speaker 1: There's qualities and characteristics that end up sticking out that 76 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:35,320 Speaker 1: for you are non negotiables. And when I was reflecting 77 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:37,200 Speaker 1: on this, I had to be wrong and honest with 78 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:39,000 Speaker 1: myself too, and I was like, I'm pretty sure I've 79 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,160 Speaker 1: been a fake friend to people in my life. I'm 80 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:43,000 Speaker 1: sure we have all, to some degree in our life 81 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,400 Speaker 1: done that try to be transactional with someone, try to 82 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 1: gain something from them by becoming friends with them. Which 83 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 1: is why I think this topic is so much deeper 84 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,800 Speaker 1: than just saying someone is a bad person or a 85 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:56,360 Speaker 1: fake friend full stop. I think it's so nuanced and 86 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:58,080 Speaker 1: there's so many layers to it, which is what I 87 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,560 Speaker 1: really want to get into here because I think unfor anctunately, 88 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:04,280 Speaker 1: in society these days, everything ends up being you're canceled 89 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,160 Speaker 1: or you're not, you're fake or you're not. There seems 90 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 1: to be very little room for giving people grace and 91 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,120 Speaker 1: for understanding. And I remember someone said this to me. 92 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:15,000 Speaker 1: They said they were having a conversation with Obama, and 93 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,600 Speaker 1: Obama said, I think the one thing that we're really 94 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:22,479 Speaker 1: lacking in society these days is the ability to have 95 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:25,839 Speaker 1: a difference of opinion and have conversations based on that, 96 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:30,719 Speaker 1: different values and have conversation based on that. Not aggressive conversations, 97 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:35,360 Speaker 1: not dismissive conversations, but really thinking about how the other 98 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,719 Speaker 1: person might feel. It sounds so simple, right, like just 99 00:04:37,839 --> 00:04:40,320 Speaker 1: thinking about how the other person, why they might have 100 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,640 Speaker 1: done that, giving them benefit of doubt, and trying to 101 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,719 Speaker 1: understand them a little bit deeper. I think understanding and 102 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,600 Speaker 1: the desire to understand can clear up so much more, 103 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,600 Speaker 1: can reduce the amount of anxiety you have, It can 104 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:55,040 Speaker 1: reduce the amount of anger you have towards someone, resentment 105 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 1: you have towards someone. And so I think understanding is 106 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,479 Speaker 1: a really cool principle to try to maintain good friendships, 107 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:05,880 Speaker 1: but also to try and to stop yourself from resenting 108 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:09,080 Speaker 1: that person or begrudging another friend that you might have, 109 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,960 Speaker 1: and trying to keep your friendships as clean as possible. 110 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,360 Speaker 1: So I do think that our non negotiables are all different. 111 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,760 Speaker 1: Like my non negotiable might be, you know what, I 112 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 1: need my friend to communicate and tell me whenever she 113 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,000 Speaker 1: is going to be late. My friend has that non negotiable. 114 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,320 Speaker 1: That's a really vital thing for her. She feels undervalued 115 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,920 Speaker 1: if someone doesn't give her notice of when they're going 116 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,400 Speaker 1: to be late, or if they're not going to show 117 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:31,120 Speaker 1: up somewhere. I don't really have that for me. If 118 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,799 Speaker 1: my friend's running late, I kind of like just expect 119 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:36,159 Speaker 1: I do something else in the meantime. I'm not so 120 00:05:36,279 --> 00:05:38,320 Speaker 1: stuck to timings. But for other people that might be 121 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,680 Speaker 1: a non negotiable, And you might interpret that as this 122 00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:42,480 Speaker 1: is not a real friendship, and this is not how 123 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:45,400 Speaker 1: I can maintain a real friendship. And so I think 124 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:47,800 Speaker 1: there are some foundational signs which I'll go over right now. 125 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,120 Speaker 1: But I also think that you have to decide for 126 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,960 Speaker 1: yourself what your boundaries, what your non negotiables are in 127 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,159 Speaker 1: your friendships, and that allows you to really distinguish whether 128 00:05:57,279 --> 00:05:59,000 Speaker 1: this is someone that I can be friends with and 129 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,120 Speaker 1: have a meaningful friend with, or this is someone that 130 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 1: maybe I need to keep a distance from. So I 131 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:07,599 Speaker 1: think one generic overarching issue if a friendship feels fake 132 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,720 Speaker 1: is this lack of commitment. They end up being really 133 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:13,760 Speaker 1: self absorbed, more focused on their own problems. And now 134 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,280 Speaker 1: this obviously if someone is going through something, that's going 135 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:18,320 Speaker 1: to be natural. But if you notice that day in 136 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:21,680 Speaker 1: day out, week in week out, month after month, and 137 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,359 Speaker 1: they don't really have your feelings in consideration, They're not 138 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,600 Speaker 1: asking you about your life, having this type of relationship 139 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:32,000 Speaker 1: can feel really one sided and hurtful, and eventually, even 140 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,960 Speaker 1: if you are someone who is a giver, it can 141 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,680 Speaker 1: end up feeling really heavy and you end up wondering, well, 142 00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:38,880 Speaker 1: what am I even gaining out this friendship or what 143 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,120 Speaker 1: am I receiving from this friendship? Not gaining but receiving. 144 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,120 Speaker 1: Another sign that I've really struggled with is when people 145 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,120 Speaker 1: have some sort of personal gain from you. Some people 146 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,800 Speaker 1: might connect to you based on what you offer. Now 147 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,159 Speaker 1: I think this is fake or borderline, because if someone 148 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,760 Speaker 1: is being friends with you because they want something from 149 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,719 Speaker 1: you or they feel that the use of having you 150 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:03,760 Speaker 1: in their life is greater than their desire to genuinely 151 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:07,040 Speaker 1: build a friendship or genuinely understand you and invest in 152 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:10,360 Speaker 1: your life, then that is definitely a red flag, unfortunately. 153 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:13,280 Speaker 1: But I'm actually gonna throw a spanner in the works 154 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:16,440 Speaker 1: here and give you something to reflect on yourself. The 155 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,320 Speaker 1: thing is, if you are also gaining something from being 156 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,160 Speaker 1: their friend too, maybe you both just actually have a 157 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,760 Speaker 1: transactional relationship. Maybe you both are benefiting from each other 158 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,280 Speaker 1: in the same way, whether it's you know, maybe being 159 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,680 Speaker 1: friends with someone is making you more popular, or that 160 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:33,400 Speaker 1: you benefit from your business by being friends with this person. 161 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,760 Speaker 1: But if they're benefiting from you too, then that is 162 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:39,040 Speaker 1: actually mutual gain. That's basically a transactional friendship, and it 163 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,120 Speaker 1: only becomes bad when you're pretending like it's something more 164 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:44,040 Speaker 1: than it is. So actually, these friendships exist and they 165 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,320 Speaker 1: aren't fake. They're just useful friendships based on that specific thing. 166 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,760 Speaker 1: And I think that that's normal. I have friends that 167 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,120 Speaker 1: I work out with, I have friends that I talk 168 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:55,920 Speaker 1: about business with, but we both are in the same understanding. 169 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,120 Speaker 1: Not one of us is trying to pretend like we 170 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 1: have a more meaningful friendship than we have. And so 171 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,600 Speaker 1: when you start thinking about this person is gaining so 172 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:06,080 Speaker 1: much from me, also sit and think, well, what am 173 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,120 Speaker 1: I gaining from them? Why have I kept them in 174 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,880 Speaker 1: my life this long? But if you're sitting here thinking, 175 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:12,560 Speaker 1: you know what, there is this person who I feel 176 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,320 Speaker 1: just keeps asking me for these favors on favors on favors, 177 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,000 Speaker 1: but then when it comes to me, they're not really 178 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:20,520 Speaker 1: When I've asked them for things, they say no. When 179 00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:24,840 Speaker 1: I am trying to connect with them, they don't seem interested. Well, 180 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:26,640 Speaker 1: then that's probably a sign that you need to create 181 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,200 Speaker 1: some boundaries. I will also say that some of these 182 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:32,040 Speaker 1: signs aren't necessarily fake friendship signs. It might just be 183 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 1: a sign that your friend has a lot to work on. 184 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,440 Speaker 1: They need to go to therapy, They really need to 185 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:39,440 Speaker 1: be working on these characteristics, all these flaws that they have. 186 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:41,720 Speaker 1: But I would also argue that so do we We 187 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:45,000 Speaker 1: all do. And so of course you can create boundaries, 188 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,480 Speaker 1: and you have a choice of who you let into 189 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:49,800 Speaker 1: your life, and that's very important. But I would also 190 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:53,719 Speaker 1: say that you have to take the whole character into consideration, 191 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,440 Speaker 1: and if it looks like this, is something that they 192 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,040 Speaker 1: need to be working on. You could be a friend 193 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,480 Speaker 1: and tell them and if they change their behave. Like 194 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:03,280 Speaker 1: my friend has told me, when you don't reply to me, 195 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:05,679 Speaker 1: it makes me feel like you don't care. I have 196 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:08,559 Speaker 1: now made a conscious effort to make sure I respond back. 197 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,360 Speaker 1: I send a voice note, I do something where they 198 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,880 Speaker 1: know that I'm trying to connect back with them. And 199 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 1: so the communication they could have just said, oh, she's 200 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:18,160 Speaker 1: just not a friend to me, like she's just such 201 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,120 Speaker 1: a bad friend, such a fake friend. But she didn't. 202 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:23,480 Speaker 1: She came and she told me this is how I feel. 203 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:26,000 Speaker 1: And because I wanted to invest in the friendship, I said, 204 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:28,760 Speaker 1: I'm making changes because I want them to know that 205 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,760 Speaker 1: I care about them, and if this is what it takes, 206 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,880 Speaker 1: then I want to reciprocate in that way. And so 207 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:36,600 Speaker 1: sometimes just shutting people off isn't always the way. You 208 00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:38,640 Speaker 1: have to also communicate if it's a friendship that you 209 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:41,160 Speaker 1: really want to maintain. And this idea of cut them off, 210 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,240 Speaker 1: cut them loose, don't talk to them ever again, block them, 211 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,440 Speaker 1: delete them. I think it's quite a toxic culture and 212 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,800 Speaker 1: I think it's become too harsh, and sometimes you can 213 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,679 Speaker 1: end up with no friends if you decide that it's 214 00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:55,559 Speaker 1: a one strike thing, one strike and this person is out. 215 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,320 Speaker 1: I don't think that's how human relationships work, and so 216 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,079 Speaker 1: if you are someone who can't give people benefit of doubt, 217 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:02,920 Speaker 1: it might be a place that you need to work 218 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:07,040 Speaker 1: on and something you have taken to consideration. Another thing 219 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,720 Speaker 1: that I've really been thinking about to do with this 220 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:12,000 Speaker 1: topic is sometimes you end up being around people because 221 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,679 Speaker 1: of how they make you feel about yourself, and even 222 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:17,000 Speaker 1: though that's something you're gaining from them, it's almost a 223 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,560 Speaker 1: natural thing. You go where you feel happy, You go 224 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,079 Speaker 1: to places that you feel like the energy that someone 225 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:25,000 Speaker 1: is giving is beautiful. The only problem with that is 226 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,720 Speaker 1: if you feel like you're giving all the energy. If 227 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:28,600 Speaker 1: you're on the other side of that and you're someone 228 00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:31,240 Speaker 1: who's like, oh, I feel like I just give out 229 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,040 Speaker 1: so much energy to people, and I give so much 230 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,440 Speaker 1: love out to people. If those people aren't reciprocating, that 231 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,319 Speaker 1: can feel like you're being used as well. So it's 232 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:41,240 Speaker 1: not necessarily money or work or anything like that. Sometimes 233 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 1: it can be energy. Sometimes people are around you and 234 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,440 Speaker 1: spending time with you because you make them feel good 235 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:48,720 Speaker 1: about themselves, and that is such a beautiful thing, but 236 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,960 Speaker 1: it can often feel draining too. I think that's something 237 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,680 Speaker 1: to also take it to consideration, where people may not 238 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,280 Speaker 1: want anything from you, but they do want your time, 239 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,760 Speaker 1: they want your energy, they want your laughter, they want 240 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,880 Speaker 1: you to make them feel good about themselves, and sometimes 241 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,480 Speaker 1: that can be really taxing on you if you are 242 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,800 Speaker 1: not receiving that back from anyone in your life. And 243 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,319 Speaker 1: I read this somewhere and it says, sometimes people don't 244 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,760 Speaker 1: know how to build intimacy without attaching it to a benefit. 245 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,480 Speaker 1: They're not using you, they're just leading with what they 246 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,520 Speaker 1: know how to value. So if they've grown up and 247 00:11:18,559 --> 00:11:21,920 Speaker 1: they've been taught to value money, been taught to only 248 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:25,080 Speaker 1: seen transactional relationships, that's what they end up thinking a 249 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 1: relationship is like. And so sometimes it's conscious thing or 250 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,640 Speaker 1: something that's malicious, it's something that they've just grown up 251 00:11:32,679 --> 00:11:35,360 Speaker 1: doing and it's become their habit. An absolute red flag 252 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,320 Speaker 1: for me, though, when it comes to these fake friendships, 253 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,440 Speaker 1: is talking about you behind your back, or that they 254 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 1: don't have your back in a room when you're not there. 255 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,120 Speaker 1: The fact is talking bad about someone that you call 256 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,200 Speaker 1: a friend, especially a close friend, should be an absolute no. No. 257 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:49,920 Speaker 1: You might even think that they've done something wrong, but 258 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,280 Speaker 1: bring up with them. Don't talk about them behind their 259 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,720 Speaker 1: back to other people. Not only does it make your 260 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:58,800 Speaker 1: friendship look like it's fake, but it also diminishes the 261 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:02,200 Speaker 1: trust and the connection that you could have based on 262 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,120 Speaker 1: giving someone feedback. Feedback is part of friendship, and so 263 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,520 Speaker 1: if you're telling someone else about it before you've even 264 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,200 Speaker 1: told them, that's a sign that maybe your friendship isn't 265 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,840 Speaker 1: as close as it should be, or the communication is broken. 266 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,160 Speaker 1: But if someone's doing that over and over and over again, No, 267 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,360 Speaker 1: you can't build a friendship based on someone talking badly 268 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:22,080 Speaker 1: about you constantly behind your back. I just don't think 269 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:23,440 Speaker 1: that that exists. I think that's something that we used 270 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,360 Speaker 1: to do when we were kids and teenagers. When you 271 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,480 Speaker 1: come into adult friendship, you want to believe that the 272 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,680 Speaker 1: person is rooting for you in a room. I remember 273 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:34,120 Speaker 1: when I first started out doing content online and I 274 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:37,760 Speaker 1: was doing partnerships and things like that. I my friend Deepica. 275 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,920 Speaker 1: She was so sweet. I would meet people and they'd say, 276 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,280 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, Deepica has been saying the best things 277 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:46,720 Speaker 1: about you, and every single time, like at least once 278 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:48,400 Speaker 1: a week, or I get on a call with another 279 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,840 Speaker 1: brand and they'd be like DEEPAKA kept telling us that 280 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,440 Speaker 1: we have to work with you, and it was just 281 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,960 Speaker 1: so sweet, and I was like, Wow, this girl really 282 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:58,400 Speaker 1: talks about me with so much love, even when I'm 283 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,760 Speaker 1: not there, even in a place where she's trying to 284 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,600 Speaker 1: hustle for her work, and she's thinking about me. And 285 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,960 Speaker 1: I was like, that is such a sweet thing to 286 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,079 Speaker 1: have to know that this person is walking into a 287 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:11,040 Speaker 1: room and it's not just doesn't just have my back 288 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:13,559 Speaker 1: if someone's saying something bad, but it's thinking about me, 289 00:13:13,679 --> 00:13:15,680 Speaker 1: even in a situation where she should doesn't have to 290 00:13:15,679 --> 00:13:18,559 Speaker 1: be or shouldn't be. And unfortunately, I think sometimes people's 291 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,760 Speaker 1: desire to fit in ends up trumping their ability to 292 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,160 Speaker 1: be a good friend. And what I mean by that 293 00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:26,760 Speaker 1: is if someone's talking bad about you, they may not agree, 294 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:28,280 Speaker 1: but they're not gonna put their foot down. They're not 295 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,840 Speaker 1: gonna disagree with the person because they want to fit 296 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,240 Speaker 1: in so badly. They want to be accepted so badly 297 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,360 Speaker 1: that they may just sit and listen, but they won't 298 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,840 Speaker 1: support you, or they won't stick up for you. They 299 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,320 Speaker 1: may even regret it afterwards. They may regret it in 300 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:45,240 Speaker 1: the moment that they're participating. I've been there before. I 301 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:48,000 Speaker 1: remember when people would speak about my friends. I used 302 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:51,120 Speaker 1: to think, if I don't say anything, then I'm not participating, 303 00:13:51,679 --> 00:13:54,520 Speaker 1: and that should be enough. I don't want to create conflict, 304 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,360 Speaker 1: and that was what I used to struggle with the 305 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:57,920 Speaker 1: I don't want to create conflicts. I don't want people 306 00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:59,880 Speaker 1: to think that I'm going against them. I don't want 307 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 1: to friction. There's no need what I say. Is it 308 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:05,880 Speaker 1: really going to matter? And then I realize, actually it 309 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,360 Speaker 1: does matter, because if you feel someone's being wronged or 310 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,240 Speaker 1: someone's being spoken about in the wrong way, speaking up 311 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,840 Speaker 1: is part of the friendship. Speaking up is part of 312 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,640 Speaker 1: the support and the love and the care that you 313 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,960 Speaker 1: have for that person, even if it feels uncomfortable. Sometimes 314 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,840 Speaker 1: I've started trying to do that where I see fit 315 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:24,680 Speaker 1: and where I think it's necessary. Whether I tell the 316 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:26,920 Speaker 1: person or not that these people have been speaking about them, 317 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,360 Speaker 1: that's a whole other story. But at least in the moment, 318 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,040 Speaker 1: I feel like I've stuck by my friend, whether they're 319 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,000 Speaker 1: in the room or not. But if someone's doing it 320 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,760 Speaker 1: over and over again, it just shows that they do 321 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,640 Speaker 1: not respect the friendship or you. And if someone's repeatedly 322 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,720 Speaker 1: saying so much crap about you and you're not doing 323 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:43,760 Speaker 1: that to them, that is a clear sign that your 324 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:48,000 Speaker 1: friendship values are completely misaligned, or actually just that they 325 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:49,800 Speaker 1: don't like you as much as they say that they do. 326 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:53,040 Speaker 1: That might be time to take it back a notch, 327 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,760 Speaker 1: do a little bit less for them, say a little 328 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,360 Speaker 1: bit less to them, read it back a little bit. 329 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,600 Speaker 1: And I think protecting yourself in that situation is important. 330 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,760 Speaker 1: What I've learned over the years of all my friendship 331 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:08,240 Speaker 1: is a good friend pumps you up. I have such 332 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,480 Speaker 1: a beautiful friendship in my life at the moment that 333 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:14,360 Speaker 1: every single time that we speak, we are just giving 334 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:16,960 Speaker 1: words of affirmations, and it doesn't just even when we 335 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,880 Speaker 1: have to think about it just pours out with love. 336 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,440 Speaker 1: I'm like, you look so beautiful today, and she's like, 337 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,960 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, you look amazing. When I pick up 338 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:27,080 Speaker 1: the phone and I'm like, you're doing incredible. You're so 339 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,960 Speaker 1: going to get that job. You deserve it. You're You're 340 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,600 Speaker 1: a beast in the work that you're doing. Like, we 341 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:35,960 Speaker 1: are just hyping each other up constantly, and I think 342 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,520 Speaker 1: that comes with creating a friendship where there's no jealousy 343 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,680 Speaker 1: between both of you, and I've noticed that as a 344 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,880 Speaker 1: big distinction between friends where I've been able to do 345 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:47,760 Speaker 1: that constantly, just hype each other up over and over again, 346 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:51,000 Speaker 1: versus friendship where we hold back a little bit, or 347 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,840 Speaker 1: if you feel like, for example, if you think if 348 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,080 Speaker 1: you're jealous of your friend because they're beautiful, you might 349 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,680 Speaker 1: find it a little bit difficult to tell them that 350 00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:59,200 Speaker 1: they look beautiful. And it's such a subconscious thing, but 351 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,040 Speaker 1: it's happened. I've been in place before I'm like, oh, 352 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,280 Speaker 1: I don't feel good about myself, but this person looks amazing, 353 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,480 Speaker 1: and then I withhold the compliments that I might want 354 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,560 Speaker 1: to give to them. I've really tried not to do 355 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,600 Speaker 1: that now because I think what I've realized in life 356 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:15,119 Speaker 1: is everybody needs support and everybody needs words of encouragement. 357 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:19,080 Speaker 1: I think it's, yeah, a big part of friendship, but 358 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:21,560 Speaker 1: also a big part of I mean, we go through 359 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,680 Speaker 1: enough in life sometimes we just want some good words 360 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,960 Speaker 1: fed to us. Sometimes we just want some good words 361 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,560 Speaker 1: and good energy around us, and saying the things that 362 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,960 Speaker 1: you're thinking when they're positive. It's so important because it's 363 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,720 Speaker 1: so easily say the negative things about people to people, 364 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,840 Speaker 1: but I think trying to switch our mind around of 365 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,560 Speaker 1: what if I just said all the positives that came 366 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:43,120 Speaker 1: to my mind and said and saw how that just 367 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:46,320 Speaker 1: lit someone up. It really does. And most of the 368 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,000 Speaker 1: time people are having a bad day when we don't 369 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,040 Speaker 1: realize and just saying those words that come to our 370 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,120 Speaker 1: mind makes such a difference. I've started saying it to 371 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:53,800 Speaker 1: people on the street. I'm like, gosh, you look amazing 372 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:57,360 Speaker 1: in that outfit, are so beautiful, You've got great energy. 373 00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:58,840 Speaker 1: Like when someone comes up to me, I'm like, you 374 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:02,880 Speaker 1: literally just fueled me up by your energy coming to me. 375 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,720 Speaker 1: And I think it makes such a difference for people 376 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,800 Speaker 1: in their day and we don't even realize that. Let 377 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,399 Speaker 1: alone are good friends who we say we love and 378 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,080 Speaker 1: we care about, hype them up every moment that you 379 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:14,080 Speaker 1: possibly get. And so if you're sitting there thinking, you know, 380 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:15,920 Speaker 1: I don't remember the last time I told my friend 381 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,120 Speaker 1: all the good things about her, central a message right now. 382 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,320 Speaker 1: Send her a little voice note, tell her how much 383 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:24,119 Speaker 1: you love her, to shower her with love. And if 384 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:27,080 Speaker 1: you're not getting the same reciprocated, tell your friend send 385 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,040 Speaker 1: them some little memes like listen, I do need words 386 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,200 Speaker 1: of affirmation and I need some love from you right now. 387 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,480 Speaker 1: Tell me how much you love me, and if you're 388 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,840 Speaker 1: close enough, then they're going to pour that out to 389 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,800 Speaker 1: you whenever you need it. And so for me, this 390 00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,080 Speaker 1: was a good reflection of you know, how can I 391 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:42,760 Speaker 1: be a better friend? Which friends do I need to 392 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,360 Speaker 1: hype up more? Which friends do I need to send 393 00:17:44,359 --> 00:17:47,920 Speaker 1: more messages to? But also thinking back of which friends 394 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,640 Speaker 1: do I feel like hold back and create these kind 395 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:53,480 Speaker 1: of barriers between us where we don't have that connection 396 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,320 Speaker 1: with that friendship to say those things with each other 397 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,680 Speaker 1: and how can improve those friendships? Or which ones that 398 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:00,399 Speaker 1: am I going to distance from? And maybe we're not 399 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,720 Speaker 1: at that level that I thought we were at. Another 400 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:04,119 Speaker 1: thing that came up when I was looking at toxic 401 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:06,520 Speaker 1: friendships was they don't support you or are not there 402 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,480 Speaker 1: for you in your time of need, like that is 403 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,960 Speaker 1: a sign of toxic friendship. But I'm actually going to 404 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:14,400 Speaker 1: say something slightly unconventional here, but I really think it's 405 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:17,240 Speaker 1: such an important point that's often overlooked when it comes 406 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:20,600 Speaker 1: to adult friendship. One of the hardest things to accept 407 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:24,800 Speaker 1: as an adult. Is that closeness isn't symmetrical. You can 408 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:28,200 Speaker 1: feel deeply connected to someone who experiences you more casually. 409 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,439 Speaker 1: That doesn't necessarily make them a fake friend. Because we 410 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:33,120 Speaker 1: all have different emotional capacities, we all have different histories 411 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,879 Speaker 1: definition of what friendship and intimacy looks like. So you 412 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,119 Speaker 1: might see someone and be like, I really want to 413 00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:39,960 Speaker 1: be their friend. I want to be such good friends 414 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,919 Speaker 1: with them. They might already have their friends. And I 415 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,199 Speaker 1: know that's really hard to hear, and I know that 416 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:49,440 Speaker 1: can feel really weird, but it's true. Sometimes people's capacity 417 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:52,040 Speaker 1: is full. If you think about a day like I 418 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,200 Speaker 1: think about my day, I have the capacity to call 419 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,160 Speaker 1: my sister, to call my mum, check in with them. 420 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,960 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's five minutes, sometimes it's thirty, depending on what 421 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,159 Speaker 1: I feel like. The need is after that, I'm married, 422 00:19:02,359 --> 00:19:04,880 Speaker 1: I speak to my husband, I need to connect with him. 423 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,800 Speaker 1: After that. I have friendships. And the thing is, in 424 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,119 Speaker 1: a day, you only have time to maybe connect to 425 00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:13,679 Speaker 1: one friend a day, sometimes one friend a week. So 426 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,880 Speaker 1: if someone's capacity is full, it's not that they don't 427 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,200 Speaker 1: want to be friends with you. It's not that they're 428 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,640 Speaker 1: a fake friend. It might just be that they don't 429 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,240 Speaker 1: have the energy that you have to give back to them. 430 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,520 Speaker 1: You might really be looking for friends, but there are 431 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,320 Speaker 1: only so many close friends you can have. It says, 432 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:30,560 Speaker 1: really and truly, we can only have between one and 433 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,760 Speaker 1: three close friends. To truly invest in and have that 434 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:36,480 Speaker 1: deep connection. It takes serious investment, it takes serious time. 435 00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:38,520 Speaker 1: It's no joke. So if you really think about how 436 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:41,440 Speaker 1: many spare hours that that person might have in a day, 437 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,040 Speaker 1: you might be a little bit more gracious and compassionate 438 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,840 Speaker 1: to the fact that they might not have the space 439 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,280 Speaker 1: and time for you at that current moment in their life. 440 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,919 Speaker 1: We really just don't have the capacity in our nervous 441 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:54,280 Speaker 1: system to be deeply intimate and close with lots of people. 442 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:58,119 Speaker 1: And sometimes the friendships that you are chasing aren't the 443 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:01,439 Speaker 1: ones that are available to you. It's kind of like 444 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:04,159 Speaker 1: when we chase that guy who's like always saying that 445 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,199 Speaker 1: they don't want to commit, but for some reason, you're 446 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:07,919 Speaker 1: ignoring all the other guys who want to commit to you. 447 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,439 Speaker 1: That's literally what friendships are like to I remember when 448 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,359 Speaker 1: I moved to New York, I met these two girls 449 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,080 Speaker 1: who were sisters, and I really wanted to be their 450 00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:18,359 Speaker 1: friend like I thought they were. They were the people 451 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,280 Speaker 1: that I needed to be friends with. And when I 452 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,360 Speaker 1: saw their friendship with each other, I thought, you know what, 453 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,480 Speaker 1: I'm just going to step right into that friendship. We 454 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:27,560 Speaker 1: can be three best friends hanging out having fun. But 455 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:31,360 Speaker 1: the fact was they already had each other. They already 456 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,680 Speaker 1: had their friendship, they already had their thing going on 457 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,800 Speaker 1: for years since they were born. They were really satisfied 458 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,320 Speaker 1: in their friendship and they didn't need another close friend. 459 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,800 Speaker 1: They were lovely, they were so friendly, they were wonderful 460 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:46,040 Speaker 1: as friends, but they didn't want to be close friends. 461 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,600 Speaker 1: They didn't have the capacity for another close friend. I 462 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,800 Speaker 1: didn't get the message, to be honest, I kept trying 463 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:53,560 Speaker 1: to invite them to things, kept inviting them to dinners, 464 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,240 Speaker 1: you name it. I was like, Yeah, let's go do this, 465 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:59,560 Speaker 1: let's go do this. And looking back now, I realize 466 00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:02,879 Speaker 1: I had so many other people that were so ready 467 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:05,080 Speaker 1: to be friends who were in the same position as me. 468 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,720 Speaker 1: They were lonely in New York, they didn't have a 469 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:10,119 Speaker 1: close knit circle that they'd been friends with for a 470 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:13,080 Speaker 1: long time. They just moved there. But I had created 471 00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:15,920 Speaker 1: this idea of needing those specific friends that they were 472 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:17,800 Speaker 1: the people that I had to be friends with, so 473 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,639 Speaker 1: I didn't even pay attention to the rest. And I 474 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:21,639 Speaker 1: think it was less about them. It was more I 475 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:24,400 Speaker 1: saw their friendship and their sisterhood and I aspired for that, 476 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,199 Speaker 1: so it didn't necessarily have to be them. But I 477 00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:29,719 Speaker 1: was thinking, well, they have this, I just want to 478 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,280 Speaker 1: create that with them too. But really I could have 479 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,080 Speaker 1: chosen to create that with other people that were also 480 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,800 Speaker 1: desiring the same connection. So many adult friendships operate on 481 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:42,480 Speaker 1: these unspoken emotional contracts. One person thinks, oh my gosh, 482 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,880 Speaker 1: that was so much fun. I really want to see 483 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,680 Speaker 1: her every single week. I think we can hang out 484 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,280 Speaker 1: all the time. The other person's like, oh yeah, maybe 485 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,439 Speaker 1: i'll catch up with her next month. That was really cool, 486 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:53,920 Speaker 1: full stop. That's it. Doesn't think too much about it. 487 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,399 Speaker 1: No one ends up actually checking the terms. And I 488 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,600 Speaker 1: think a lot of pain in friendship doesn't come from malice, 489 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,120 Speaker 1: from the silent contracts that we never ever agreed to 490 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,760 Speaker 1: that we didn't really clarify. So it's good to ask 491 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:10,760 Speaker 1: yourself when you're thinking about friendships that feel a little 492 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:14,439 Speaker 1: bit in balance, have they shown me any evidence of 493 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,960 Speaker 1: what the friendship actually means to them, what facts do 494 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,600 Speaker 1: I have? What facts do I have? What evidence do 495 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,800 Speaker 1: I have that they want a close friendship? And in 496 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:24,600 Speaker 1: all honesty, you could even ask them, but obviously they 497 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,439 Speaker 1: can get a little bit awkward sometimes, and so really 498 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,479 Speaker 1: reflecting on what are they showing me they want? Are 499 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,359 Speaker 1: they messaging me every week to hang out? Are they 500 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:33,639 Speaker 1: messaging me every month to hang out? What kind of 501 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:36,160 Speaker 1: events are they inviting me to? Is it group settings? 502 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,200 Speaker 1: Is it one on one? Usually if someone wants to 503 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,440 Speaker 1: build a deeper connection, they're asking you to meet one 504 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,720 Speaker 1: on one. If they want to be friendly and be 505 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,880 Speaker 1: wonderful friends but not have a close friendship, they're probably 506 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,359 Speaker 1: inviting you to group settings. They might you to girls' nights. 507 00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:52,040 Speaker 1: They're thinking of you, but you're not really spending one 508 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,320 Speaker 1: on one time with them to really share your heart 509 00:22:54,359 --> 00:22:56,400 Speaker 1: with each other. And so if you do want that, 510 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:59,119 Speaker 1: throw a message out. I've messaged so many people in 511 00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,439 Speaker 1: the passing I'd love to spend more time with you. 512 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,520 Speaker 1: Let's go get a coffee just us to And depending 513 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,000 Speaker 1: on how they respond, I kind of get the message 514 00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:09,159 Speaker 1: of where they're at, whether they want that friendship or 515 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,400 Speaker 1: whether they don't. I think that's a really good indication. 516 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,400 Speaker 1: So if you're confused about friendship, send out a message saying, Hey, 517 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,360 Speaker 1: I'd love to spend time one on one, I'd love 518 00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:18,040 Speaker 1: to go for a coffee, I'd love to hang out 519 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:20,800 Speaker 1: a little bit more, and honestly see their response as 520 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,600 Speaker 1: what it is. If they're saying, I'm so busy right now, 521 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,040 Speaker 1: but let's book in a date for next month. Great, 522 00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:27,600 Speaker 1: they're setting a time and a day for you to 523 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:30,080 Speaker 1: hang out. If they're like, oh, yeah, i'd love to 524 00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:31,720 Speaker 1: have you over. I've got some friends coming over to 525 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,320 Speaker 1: watch a movie, come on, buy, that might be a 526 00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:36,600 Speaker 1: sign that they don't necessarily want to spend individual time 527 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:38,960 Speaker 1: with you, and that's also okay. Doesn't mean that they're 528 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,920 Speaker 1: bad people, doesn't mean that they're not good friends. That's 529 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,399 Speaker 1: just the type of friendship that they want, and then 530 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:45,240 Speaker 1: you can decide whether you want that to because I 531 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:48,800 Speaker 1: think sometimes we can idolize these friendships before we even 532 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:50,840 Speaker 1: look at the evidence or before we take a look 533 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,680 Speaker 1: at what is happening in reality, because sometimes we want 534 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:56,000 Speaker 1: it so badly. And I totally get that being lonely 535 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,680 Speaker 1: and not having good friends or friendships, I remember feeling 536 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,560 Speaker 1: that way in New York, and it's really difficult. And 537 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,560 Speaker 1: so I used to get so excited. My mum is 538 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:04,080 Speaker 1: told me from a young age that I used to 539 00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:06,679 Speaker 1: be like this. I would get so excited about friendships. 540 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,720 Speaker 1: I'd be like I'd come up and be like, Mom, 541 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:11,359 Speaker 1: I just met this amazing person. I can't wait to 542 00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:13,160 Speaker 1: hang out with them the next week. I'm like, these 543 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,119 Speaker 1: are this is my best friend. Mom, this is literally 544 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:17,800 Speaker 1: my best friend. We're going to be friends forever. And 545 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:19,879 Speaker 1: she always talks about it even now. She's like, I 546 00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:21,760 Speaker 1: feel like you just have new friends that pop up 547 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:25,080 Speaker 1: here and there, and I do. I love making friendships, 548 00:24:25,119 --> 00:24:29,840 Speaker 1: but I've now learned to distinguish between friendships and sisters 549 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,600 Speaker 1: and deeper meaningful friendships. So being friendly with someone and 550 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,199 Speaker 1: truly connecting to them are two different things. And so 551 00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:39,120 Speaker 1: I love having friends. I will have new friends every 552 00:24:39,119 --> 00:24:41,359 Speaker 1: week and I will genuinely want to connect to them, 553 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,600 Speaker 1: But my deeper, more meaningful friendships, they just have a 554 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,720 Speaker 1: different energy, in a different vibe. But it reminded me 555 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:48,040 Speaker 1: of that because my mom would be like, oh, you 556 00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:50,960 Speaker 1: have a different friend every single week, and I love that. 557 00:24:51,119 --> 00:24:53,359 Speaker 1: I think it's so exciting to meet new people in 558 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:56,760 Speaker 1: and explore new friendships, but how many of them make 559 00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:59,200 Speaker 1: it into your inner circle? You know, you're inner heart 560 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,600 Speaker 1: is just different. On the flip side, sometimes people feel 561 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,639 Speaker 1: closer to you than you feel to them, and that 562 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:07,560 Speaker 1: can be really uncomfortable too, because if you're someone who 563 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:11,040 Speaker 1: has big, bold energy, if you're someone who's really generous, 564 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,800 Speaker 1: you're connecting your warm you have presence. When you meet someone, 565 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:19,199 Speaker 1: people project closeness onto you faster, and that doesn't make 566 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,800 Speaker 1: you responsible in any way, but it does mean that 567 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:25,760 Speaker 1: you might need clearer boundaries. I love inviting people to 568 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:27,880 Speaker 1: my home, like I really do. I think I love 569 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:31,320 Speaker 1: feeding people. I love having people over. But sometimes if 570 00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:34,480 Speaker 1: that's something that's very unusual for them, they may receive 571 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:36,639 Speaker 1: that as oh wow, this person really wants to be 572 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:39,080 Speaker 1: close friends with me. And so sometimes you might be 573 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,560 Speaker 1: giving off a different energy and they're receiving it as 574 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:45,320 Speaker 1: over friendliness, giving too much. And if you are that 575 00:25:45,359 --> 00:25:48,880 Speaker 1: type of person, then sometimes people may receive that wrongly 576 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,639 Speaker 1: and you might be sitting there thinking, oh wow, I 577 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,000 Speaker 1: feel like I just was my average self, but to them, 578 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,119 Speaker 1: it's like, wow, this person was so nice to me 579 00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:58,600 Speaker 1: and I think they've really want to be friends yourself 580 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,320 Speaker 1: to be aware of that. If you are a giver 581 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:03,119 Speaker 1: and if you ask someone who has great energy and 582 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:06,679 Speaker 1: you're very loving to people, that's so wonderful, But just 583 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:08,760 Speaker 1: know that it also comes with the idea that people 584 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:10,520 Speaker 1: might feel closer to you than you feel to them, 585 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:14,719 Speaker 1: and just sometimes people can confuse access to you with 586 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,040 Speaker 1: intimacy or meaningful connection. I do not think that the 587 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,800 Speaker 1: answer is becoming colder, harder, or more suspicious of people 588 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:24,240 Speaker 1: at all. I don't think that's the solution. I think 589 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:27,960 Speaker 1: the answer is becoming more honest with yourself first, and 590 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:31,160 Speaker 1: maybe don't say that things like oh yeah, let's definitely 591 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:33,399 Speaker 1: hang out, let's definitely get you know. I used to 592 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,000 Speaker 1: end up saying that a lot because at the time 593 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:37,639 Speaker 1: I did think I wanted it, but then I realized 594 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:39,520 Speaker 1: I just didn't have the capacity for it. And so 595 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,439 Speaker 1: I think I want this to be a reminder. This 596 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,760 Speaker 1: was going to be a hey, this is what toxic 597 00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:46,160 Speaker 1: friends look like, and cut them up. But that's really 598 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:50,040 Speaker 1: not helpful. What I think is more helpful is creating 599 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,600 Speaker 1: a space for you to reflect and become more honest 600 00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:57,080 Speaker 1: with yourself and know that not every friendship is supposed 601 00:26:57,119 --> 00:26:59,000 Speaker 1: to be deep, and you don't have to push each 602 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:02,040 Speaker 1: friendship to be like that. Not every connection is meant 603 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,399 Speaker 1: to be equal, and I think that's the reality of 604 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:08,240 Speaker 1: human life, and expecting that can be maybe unrealistic expectation. 605 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:12,800 Speaker 1: And not every misalignment with someone means that they are 606 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,679 Speaker 1: fake or bad or just not good people. That is 607 00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,320 Speaker 1: not the case. And so I hope this was a 608 00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:22,919 Speaker 1: healthy reminder and hopefully a useful conversation about how to 609 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:26,880 Speaker 1: manage your friendships. I think sometimes if we've had bad experiences, 610 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:30,240 Speaker 1: we can become more skeptical about people and we can 611 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:33,920 Speaker 1: shut people off too fast. But honestly, from my experience, 612 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:39,080 Speaker 1: having a warm, open heart despite going through those things, 613 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:42,000 Speaker 1: makes me so much happier every single day, Like not 614 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,840 Speaker 1: assuming someone is going to be toxic, giving people benefit 615 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,840 Speaker 1: of doubt, not having a one strike rule, it has 616 00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:52,640 Speaker 1: allowed for richer friendships, it's allowed for more meaningful connections, 617 00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:54,320 Speaker 1: and it's allowed me to have so much more fun 618 00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:56,879 Speaker 1: with people, Like things don't have to be that deep. 619 00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:00,240 Speaker 1: You can just have light, wonderful friendships that you don't 620 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:02,359 Speaker 1: have to get too deep an intimate and that is 621 00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:05,040 Speaker 1: still a friendship, and so I think being a lot 622 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:07,439 Speaker 1: less harsh on other people, but also on yourself and 623 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,680 Speaker 1: being open to connecting with people in different ways. If 624 00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:13,440 Speaker 1: you need to send a message to a friend hyping 625 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:16,520 Speaker 1: her up, I suggest you do that right now. If 626 00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:18,480 Speaker 1: you all have such a wonderful week, sending you so 627 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,480 Speaker 1: much love, and I'd love to hear all your stories 628 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:25,520 Speaker 1: about toxic, inverted commas, friendships, really wonderful friendships that you've had. 629 00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:28,440 Speaker 1: Tell me everything. I love hearing stories about things like this, 630 00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:42,040 Speaker 1: so send them over. I would love to hear them