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Speaker 1: Pushkin.

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Speaker 2: Hello, this is Troy Hawk, and congratulations on picking the

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Speaker 2: Happiness Lab podcast. You are clearly a connoisseur of the

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Speaker 2: podcast art.

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Speaker 1: We're opening this new season of The Happiness Lab with

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Speaker 1: a special salutation from the founder, leading light, and well

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Speaker 1: sole member of the International Greader's Guild.

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Speaker 2: We appreciate your custom ever so much. Never stop, never change.

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Speaker 1: There's an old maxim that if you can't say something nice,

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Speaker 1: you shouldn't say anything at all. Troy Hawk lives by

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Speaker 1: a related maxim that you can always always say something nice.

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Speaker 2: Have a very confident stride, very confident stride.

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Speaker 3: Loved it.

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Speaker 1: And Troy doesn't just say nice things to podcast listeners.

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Speaker 3: Madam, your helix divine. You look like a painting and

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Speaker 3: you're just sitting there. It's fantastic.

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Speaker 1: He says nice things at every possible opportunity.

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Speaker 3: I do it the way you laughed at that pigeon.

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Speaker 1: Whenever, wherever, and to whomever possible.

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Speaker 3: Of a marvelous white distribution between your fat.

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Speaker 1: He compliments strangers on the streets.

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Speaker 3: Clearly a man with an eye for detail.

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Speaker 1: In stores and cafes and outside football stadiums and tourist attractions.

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Speaker 2: Now You're an equal marine blue jeans Field of Dreams.

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Speaker 3: Yes you are.

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Speaker 1: Troy's mission is simple to meet people, to greet people,

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Speaker 1: and to tell everyone he meets the most kind, uplifting

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Speaker 1: things possible.

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Speaker 2: Doyle heads A love it Wisdom should be cost in marble.

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Speaker 1: Now, you might think this is an odd way to

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Speaker 1: spend your time.

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Speaker 3: I'm very much enjoying your animal print, scoff, Madam. You're wonderful.

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Speaker 1: But as we'll see in this special new season of

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Speaker 1: The Happiness Lab, it turns out there's a lot we

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Speaker 1: get wrong when it comes to improving our social connection.

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Speaker 3: I like your energy.

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Speaker 2: Your cheeks are pinched with cold, but you're still smiling.

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Speaker 3: I like that.

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Speaker 1: Over the next few episodes, we'll look at how our

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Speaker 1: minds lie to us about the best ways to interact

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Speaker 1: with other people. We'll see that we often miss out

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Speaker 1: on the maximum happiness that social interaction can provide, in

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Speaker 1: part because we don't really.

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Speaker 2: Do it right.

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Speaker 1: But not to worry, because we'll also be exploring simple

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Speaker 1: steps we can take to correct our intuitions and connect

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Speaker 1: more effectively. We'll look at how we can become more

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Speaker 1: courageous in social situations, how to less awkwardly turn strangers

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Speaker 1: into friends, and how we can deepen our existing friendships

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Speaker 1: both at home and at work. And the topic of

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Speaker 1: today's episode, as you might have guessed from hearing about

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Speaker 1: Troy's mission, is how we can all become a bit

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Speaker 1: more complimentary.

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Speaker 2: You have wonderful, sparkling eyes, sir.

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Speaker 3: Never let anyone tell you any different.

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Speaker 1: We often think nice things about friends, family members, work, colleagues,

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Speaker 1: and even strangers. We don't always say those nice things

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Speaker 1: out loud, which is unfortunate because research shows that the

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Speaker 1: simple act of complimenting the people around us matters more

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Speaker 1: for our own and other people's happiness than we might imagine.

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Speaker 1: Our minds are constantly telling us what to do to

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Speaker 1: be happy. But what if our minds are wrong? What

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Speaker 1: if our minds are lying to us, leading us away

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Speaker 1: from what will really make us happy. The good news

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Speaker 1: is the understanding the science of the mind can point

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Speaker 1: us all that in the right direction. You're listening to

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Speaker 1: the Happiness Labs with doctor Laurie Santos.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, so okay, here, how about this one.

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Speaker 1: We'll hear more from Troy Hawk and his Greeterer's Guild

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Speaker 1: a little later, but first I want to introduce Schwan Drau,

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Speaker 1: a research scientist at Stanford University. Schwan is an academic

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Speaker 1: expert on the psychology of compliments, but she's known personally

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Speaker 1: about the power of kind words for much longer than that.

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Speaker 4: I still remember one compliment I got when I was

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Speaker 4: in high school that really changed my life.

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Speaker 1: As a teenager, Schwan attested one particular aspect of her

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Speaker 1: physical appearance.

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Speaker 4: I have a single eyelid, and I hate that for

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Speaker 4: my entire life.

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Speaker 1: Single eyelids, which lack the fold that separate the lids

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Speaker 1: into two sections, is a pretty common feature in people

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Speaker 1: of Asian descent, but Schwan despised it. Over time, she

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Speaker 1: grew so unhappy with this seemingly insignificant anatomical detail that

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Speaker 1: she was planning a pretty radical solution.

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Speaker 4: I was doing a lot of research on double eyelid surgery.

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Speaker 4: I would go to Korea. I've saved this little pocket

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Speaker 4: of money to actually do this surgery.

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Speaker 1: Visiting a plastic surgeon isn't something to enter into lightly.

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Speaker 1: There's the expense, the inconvenience, the discomfort, and the risks

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Speaker 1: involved in any medical procedure, but Schwan assumed it was

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Speaker 1: the only way she'd ever feel better about how she looked,

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Speaker 1: but she was wrong. Her self esteem wound up being

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Speaker 1: saved not by a surgeon's blade, but by a few

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Speaker 1: well chosen words from her high school boyfriend. One day,

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Speaker 1: when the pair was hanging out, she took off her sunglasses.

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Speaker 1: He simply looked at her and said.

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Speaker 4: Your eyes up, beautiful. I was like, really, I thought

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Speaker 4: I suck, but that I really put things in a

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Speaker 4: different perspective. And after that, I'm like, maybe I'm beautiful.

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Speaker 1: Chwan's high school boyfriend couldn't have imagined the powerful effect

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Speaker 1: of that one off compliment.

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Speaker 4: You often struggle to appreciate accept yourself. You think that

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Speaker 4: you're not beautiful enough, accomplished enough. When someone tells you

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Speaker 4: that you are beautiful, that means a lot.

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Speaker 1: Like most high school romances, Schwan's teen fling did end,

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Speaker 1: but in new relationships, Schwan continued to appreciate partners who

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Speaker 1: were comfortable giving her compliments. That is until she started

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Speaker 1: dating a new guy, someone she really thought could be

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Speaker 1: the one.

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Speaker 4: I really liked him. He seemed to like me, but

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Speaker 4: I wasn't quite sure because he did not give compliments.

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Speaker 4: I didn't know if he appreciated me or not, and

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Speaker 4: I really struggled to tell how he felt about me.

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Speaker 1: And Schwan's worries weren't just about a lack of flattery.

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Speaker 1: Her boyfriend's reticence to say nice things made Schwan worried

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Speaker 1: he didn't really understand who she was or what really

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Speaker 1: mattered to her.

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Speaker 4: So I basically broke up with him, and I decided

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Speaker 4: that I should move on find someone who liked me,

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Speaker 4: and that's what I did.

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Speaker 1: I'm just curious, like, when you actually broke up, was

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Speaker 1: that the stated reason or you just like, Oh, he

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Speaker 1: doesn't like me, I'm just going to break up.

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Speaker 4: I didn't say it's exactly about compliments, because I also

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Speaker 4: don't want to fish for compliments. I also don't want

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Speaker 4: to force compliments. I just felt that maybe we're not

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Speaker 4: meant to be with each other because apparently he has

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Speaker 4: more important things to talk about or to do.

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Speaker 1: So Schwan moved the guy she thought was her forever

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Speaker 1: catch into the friend zone and began moving on with

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Speaker 1: her life without him.

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Speaker 4: After a few months, he suddenly showed up and told

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Speaker 4: me that he loved me, and I was shocked that

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Speaker 4: he loved me, and I had no idea.

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Speaker 1: Schwan's boyfriend said he had liked and admired lots of

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Speaker 1: things about her, but it took actually losing her just

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Speaker 1: spur him into saying any of the complimentary things he felt.

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Speaker 4: Well, a long story short, athlete told me that he

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Speaker 4: loved me and he appreciated all these amazing qualities in me.

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Speaker 4: We started dating again and we got married last year,

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Speaker 4: so we are celebrating our anniversary in about a week.

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Speaker 1: In the end, Schwan's story had a happy ending, but

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Speaker 1: she also realized just how easily things could have gone

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Speaker 1: a different way.

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Speaker 4: And I was fascinated, and I wondered why he never

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Speaker 4: realized that he should have told me how he felt

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Speaker 4: about me, how he viewed me, what kind of qualities

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Speaker 4: he appreciated in me.

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Speaker 1: These questions weighed on Schwan so much that she decided

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Speaker 1: to study them scientifically. She dedicated her postdoctoral studies to

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Speaker 1: investigating the psychology of compliments, and she chose to train

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Speaker 1: at the University of Chicago with an expert who just

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Speaker 1: happens to be a very good friend of the Happiness Lab,

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Speaker 1: psychologist Nick Eppie.

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Speaker 5: There are lots of sources of well being standing around you.

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Speaker 3: You just have to tap into them.

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Speaker 1: Next, research focuses on the happiness benefits we get from

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Speaker 1: other people, all the ways that a quick complimentary word

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Speaker 1: or short conversation with a stranger can make us feel better, way,

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Speaker 1: way better than we expect.

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Speaker 5: Even when we do want to connect with others, even

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Speaker 5: when we are interested in engaging with somebody else, there's

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Speaker 5: a wall there as well.

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Speaker 1: Here In this season, Nicks conducted a ton of big

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Speaker 1: experiments to figure out where this wall comes from. Why

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Speaker 1: we don't give compliments or express gratitude or engage with

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Speaker 1: people nearly as much as we should. One reason, says Nick,

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Speaker 1: is that we often struggle to work out what other

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Speaker 1: people appreciate about us or expect from us.

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Speaker 5: Another person's mind's the most complicated thing you're going to

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Speaker 5: ever think about.

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Speaker 1: We're bad at predicting how other people will react to

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Speaker 1: our social gestures. We underestimate how nice someone will feel

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Speaker 1: when they receive a compliment or hear some words of gratitude,

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Speaker 1: or share a spile. But Nick says we also fail

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Speaker 1: to recognize how good we'll feel when we engage in

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Speaker 1: social connection. Nick calls this under sociality. We underestimate the

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Speaker 1: happiness benefits that stem from social interaction, both for ourselves

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Speaker 1: and for the people we interact with. Nick has studied

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Speaker 1: under sociality in many contexts and chatting with strangers and

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Speaker 1: expressing gratitude and even and asking for help. But with Schwan,

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Speaker 1: he wanted to explore undersociality when it came to giving compliments.

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Speaker 4: We all want to be appreciated, it be seen by

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Speaker 4: other people who especially those people who we care about,

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Speaker 4: So there has been a lot of research on how

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Speaker 4: receiving compliments not only just brightens our mood, but also

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Speaker 4: improves our well being our happiness.

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Speaker 1: The problem, Schwan thought is that undersociolity may cause an

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Speaker 1: emotional gulf between how we imagine our compliments will be

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Speaker 1: received and the real reaction we get when we say

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Speaker 1: something nice. To test this idea, she and her assistants

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Speaker 1: headed to a popular park. They set up a table

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Speaker 1: and tried to recruit every pair of friends they saw

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Speaker 1: walking by.

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Speaker 4: Hi, we are researchers from the University of Chicago. We

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Speaker 4: have a study about interpersonal communication. Would you be interested

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Speaker 4: in participating in our research?

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Speaker 1: Willing participants were then divided up. The first person was

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Speaker 1: made the complimenter and told please list three positive things

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Speaker 1: about your friend that you have noticed but for whatever reason,

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Speaker 1: have not had a chance to compliment them on.

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Speaker 3: Yet.

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Speaker 4: After they wrote down the compliments, we asked them to

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Speaker 4: predict how you think the recipient would feel.

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Speaker 1: The second person, the recipient, then read those compliments and

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Speaker 1: was asked how they felt. It probably won't surprise you

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Speaker 1: that the recipients were much happier than the complimenters had predicted.

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Speaker 1: Complimenters were off by an entire point on a ten

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Speaker 1: point happiness scale. Complimenters also significantly overestimated the awkwardness of

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Speaker 1: the experience. They assumed their kind words would be met

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Speaker 1: by at least some level of cringiness, but recipients were

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Speaker 1: mostly just psyched. When we get back from the break,

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Speaker 1: we'll discuss more of the hurdles you need to overcome

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Speaker 1: to become a better complimenter, and excitingly, we'll do so

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Speaker 1: with the help of a professional.

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Speaker 3: Hello.

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Speaker 2: This is Troy Hawk, and I just want to utter

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Speaker 2: my heartfelt appreciation for you making it thus far. Look

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Speaker 2: at your bigger beast on the back. Never stop, never change,

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Speaker 2: enjoy the rest. I'm sure you will.

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Speaker 1: The Happiness Lab will be right back.

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Speaker 2: A well delivered compliment is like a free drug that

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Speaker 2: gets them high and it gets you high.

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Speaker 1: Well, this may sound a lot like Master Greeter Troy Hawk,

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Speaker 1: who you met earlier. I'm actually talking to Troy's alter

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Speaker 1: ego and creator, the comedian Milo McCabe, because it turns

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Speaker 1: out that Troy Hawk is not exactly a real person.

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Speaker 1: Milo invented Troy's character a few years ago when he

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Speaker 1: was searching for a new persona for the Edinburgh Comedy Festival.

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Speaker 1: Troy's comic backstory is that he was homeschooled by a

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Speaker 1: rather strange mother who kept him shielded from the realities

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Speaker 1: of the world.

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Speaker 2: She wanted to mold him into the exact shape that

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Speaker 2: she wanted him to be, and that shape has ended

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Speaker 2: up being a very Errol Flynn Stroke David nebanesque nineteen

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Speaker 2: thirty stroke forties English movie idol.

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Speaker 1: To become Troy, Milo grows a thin pencil mustache and

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Speaker 1: don's a colorful silk scarf and smoking jacket. He looks

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Speaker 1: every inch the classic movie star, which means that in public,

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Speaker 1: alongside the average people and sneakers in sweatpants, Troy stands

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Speaker 1: out like a sort them, but that is part of

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Speaker 1: Milo's comedic plan.

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Speaker 2: The oddness of Troy's upbringing has led him to question

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Speaker 2: a lot of things about himself, about society, et cetera,

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Speaker 2: et cetera.

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Speaker 1: One of the things Troy questions is how people interact

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Speaker 1: with one another. Unlike most people, Troy never hesitates to

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Speaker 1: strike up a conversation, and when he does, he's extremely

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Speaker 1: polite and complimentary. But compliments weren't originally part of Troy's

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Speaker 1: comic repertoire. Milo's original intent was simply to put his

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Speaker 1: alter ego in odd situations and film the results. Blake

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Speaker 1: the time Troy walked into a store and pretended that

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Speaker 1: he worked there.

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Speaker 2: So Willco's is like a local convenience store. It's like

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Speaker 2: Walmart or something like that. So I decided to get

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Speaker 2: a will Co fleece and show up at this place

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Speaker 2: with a cameraman and just start working there and see

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Speaker 2: how long it would take before anyone threw me out.

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Speaker 1: The problem was British people kind of hate to make

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Speaker 1: a scene.

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Speaker 2: So I'm just working up the shelves, I'm helping customers.

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Speaker 2: I'm in there for an hour, and eventually I'm like,

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Speaker 2: are they ever going to kick us out?

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Speaker 1: The footage my loog gathered was charming, but it wasn't

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Speaker 1: all that funny.

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Speaker 2: So me and the guy that was filming we took

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Speaker 2: a break to formulate a strategy as to how I could,

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Speaker 2: despite the fact that I'm this nineteen thirties gentleman who

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Speaker 2: suddenly shown up working in their store, how I could

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Speaker 2: attract a bit more attention to the point where they'd

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Speaker 2: actually look at me and go, hang on a second,

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Speaker 2: this isn't quite right, And he said, why don't you

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Speaker 2: greet people at the door?

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Speaker 3: Welcome to Wilco, sir, Welcome to Wilcose.

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Speaker 1: Chatting to customers as they entered the store was much funnier.

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Speaker 1: Do let me know if you need help with any

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Speaker 1: wick writings. It also definitely caught the attention of the

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Speaker 1: staff at will goes.

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Speaker 3: Hello, that you what are you doing here?

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Speaker 2: Suddenly the general manager comes out. He's like, puuce, his

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Speaker 2: head's perpo.

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Speaker 3: He's furious.

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Speaker 2: So I don't want any money, so that if you've

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Speaker 2: come out here to pay me, then that's absolutely fun.

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Speaker 3: No, No, I think you need to step away.

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Speaker 2: From If he's demanding my Wilco fleece, I point out

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Speaker 2: that I'm made it myself, I did, and eventually boots

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Speaker 2: me up.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, if you if you weren't one, please leading

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Speaker 1: the seventies.

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Speaker 3: If you're not welcome on books.

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Speaker 1: Milo edited the footage and put it up on YouTube,

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Speaker 1: hoping it would attract a bigger audience for his stand

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Speaker 1: up shows, but the video totally blew up. People went

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Speaker 1: crazy for Troy's greeter act.

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Speaker 2: And some random person on TikTok, actually I think it was.

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Speaker 2: I remember them the handle b three RN underscore one

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Speaker 2: one one one just comment why don't you do this

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Speaker 2: to other places? And I thought, I a good idea

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Speaker 2: be three RN underscore underscore one more more month.

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Speaker 1: And so the International Greeters Guild was born.

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Speaker 3: Do your purple hair, madam? Thank you.

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Speaker 1: Giving compliments to total strangers became the staple of Troy's

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Speaker 1: comic persona.

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Speaker 3: I Love the Orange it poff.

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Speaker 1: And Milo wound up with viral video after viral videos.

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Speaker 2: Helek's freshly washed, It's adorable, get in there.

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Speaker 3: Buy everything.

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Speaker 1: Rather than throwing Troy out into the streets, businesses now

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Speaker 1: welcomed him. So too did soccer clubs, sporting tournaments and

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Speaker 1: boxing promoters.

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Speaker 3: They're very kindly eyes it didn't go on nurses.

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Speaker 1: But why were people so taken by a polite man

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Speaker 1: saying nice things? Why was it so remarkable.

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Speaker 2: Because British people darn't do it because the worlds are repressed.

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Speaker 1: But the science shows it's not just British people who

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Speaker 1: are repressed when it comes to giving compliments. When psychologists

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Speaker 1: Nick Epley and Schuan Jao first began their compliment studies,

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Speaker 1: they started out with a quick survey that flat out

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Speaker 1: asked people if they thought they shared enough kind words

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Speaker 1: with the people they cared about.

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Speaker 4: People report that they think they don't give enough compliments.

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Speaker 4: They often notice nice things the other people, but they

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Speaker 4: don't verbalize it.

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Speaker 1: We already heard about Nick and Chuan study showing that

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Speaker 1: people underestimate how much joy a compliment can bring another person.

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Speaker 1: But what other factors prevent us from giving the true

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Speaker 1: volume of compliments we probably should. One big factor, Nick says,

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Speaker 1: is performance anxiety.

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Speaker 5: You know I'm giving you a compliment, how good does

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Speaker 5: it sound? How articulate is it? And how capable am

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Speaker 5: I of making you better?

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Speaker 1: Nick says, we fixate on performance and lots of social situations.

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Speaker 1: We fear that we'll come across as dorky or dumb,

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Speaker 1: that will use the wrong words or flub the delivery,

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Speaker 1: and that we'll wind up just embarrassing ourselves. But Nick

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Speaker 1: and Schwan's research has shown that recipients don't really care

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Speaker 1: about our performance. They are being judgy, but they're judging

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Speaker 1: us by a totally different criterion, our warmth.

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Speaker 5: How nice and friendly and kind we Nick.

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Speaker 1: And Schwan have observed this pattern time and again. Recipients

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Speaker 1: of compliments simply don't care about the complimenter's word choice

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Speaker 1: or performance. They were just happy that someone took a

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Speaker 1: genuine interest that the compliment giver noticed something truly good

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Speaker 1: about them. So that's mistake number one. We wind up

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Speaker 1: concentrating so much on the quality of our compliment giving

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Speaker 1: that we completely mispredict how awkward a recipient will feel.

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Speaker 1: And Nick has found that these pessimistic mispredictions matter.

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Speaker 5: A lot because it's those expectations that fundamentally drive your choice.

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Speaker 5: If you think engaging in a conversation with somebody, for

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Speaker 5: giving a compliment to somebody is going to be weird

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Speaker 5: or awkward, or it's not going to turn out so well,

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Speaker 5: you're not going to reach out and do it you

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Speaker 5: might miss an opportunity to engage with somebody that otherwise.

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Speaker 3: You could have had.

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Speaker 1: But Nick says there's also a second misprediction that prevents

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Speaker 1: us from sharing as many kind woords as we should.

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Speaker 5: Many of the folks said this wasn't the right time

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Speaker 5: to do it, but they were going to wait for

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Speaker 5: the right time.

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Speaker 1: If you've listened to other episodes of the Happiness Lab,

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Speaker 1: you've probably already heard about how biased we are when

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Speaker 1: it comes to our perception of time. That we're prone

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Speaker 1: to putting off happiness inducing actions now because we assume

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Speaker 1: we'll remember to do them later. And this bias, it

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Speaker 1: turns out, also prevents us from giving compliments. It's a

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Speaker 1: problem that even an expert like Nick has fallen prey to,

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Speaker 1: like the time he failed to commend a university colleague

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Speaker 1: on a well deserved promotion that missed opportunity ate away

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Speaker 1: at him.

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Speaker 5: It had been months and months, I mean a long

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Speaker 5: time had passed and I just hadn't seen her. And

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Speaker 5: I saw her in the hallway yesterday, and that's too late.

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Speaker 5: The timing's all wrong. But I knew that was dumb,

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Speaker 5: and so I just told her, and how valued she

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Speaker 5: was by the faculty year. I hope that she had

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Speaker 5: heard that, and of course she felt great.

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Speaker 1: But it's not just performance anxiety and bad timing that

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Speaker 1: prevent us from sharing what we love about the people

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Speaker 1: around us. Chwan says. We also fall prey to a

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Speaker 1: third bias. We assume that people are already aware of

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Speaker 1: all their good traits.

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Speaker 4: I won't give this compliment because that person already knows this.

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Speaker 4: Someone else must have told them about this.

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Speaker 1: Schwan thinks we implicitly assume that the whole point of

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Speaker 1: compliments is simply to share some positive fact about the

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Speaker 1: recipient so they're aware of it.

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Speaker 4: But it's not. It's about beauting relationship.

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Speaker 1: Recognizing this relationship building reason behind our compliments has helped

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Speaker 1: Schwan explain a strange finding that she and Nick observed

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Speaker 1: in their studies. The power of compliments doesn't seem to

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Speaker 1: degrade over time. Most of our happiness is subject to

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Speaker 1: what's called adaptation. We tend to get used to the

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Speaker 1: good things we experience over time. Nick and Schwan had

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Speaker 1: originally assumed that we show adaptation for compliments too, that

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Speaker 1: giving a compliment over and over would weaken the positive

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Speaker 1: effect a recipient would get from your kind words. Think, honey,

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Speaker 1: those scrambled eggs were great. You did a great job

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Speaker 1: tidying the yard. That's a great outfit. You might assume

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Speaker 1: that that third grade might start sounding a little less

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Speaker 1: sincere Nick and Chwan decided to test whether this was

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Speaker 1: the case by getting people to say nice things to

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Speaker 1: a close friend every day for five days. They recruited

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Speaker 1: a group of participants to serve as complimenters and asked

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Speaker 1: them to write five positive things about a good friend.

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Speaker 1: They then emailed each of these five compliments one by

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Speaker 1: one to recipients over the course of five days, and

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Speaker 1: then surveyed how they felt. What did Nick and Chwan

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Speaker 1: find Well, it turns out that their adaptation prediction was

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Speaker 1: dead wrong. Recipients really liked the compliment they received on

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Speaker 1: day one. They said they were at a nine out

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Speaker 1: of ten on a positive mood scale. But they also

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Speaker 1: really liked the compliment they received on every day of

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Speaker 1: the study. Even by day five, that flattered positive vibe

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Speaker 1: hadn't worn off. If anything, recipients reported being a tiny

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Speaker 1: bit happier by the end of the week. And to

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Speaker 1: further emphasize the importance of actually voicing nice things to

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Speaker 1: the people we love. Schwan shared a poignant PostScript to

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Speaker 1: this adaptation experiment. At the end of the study, Schwan

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Speaker 1: sent the recipients a short final survey just to see

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Speaker 1: if they had any questions about the experiment. One of

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Speaker 1: the recipients did have a question, one that Schwan found

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Speaker 1: pretty shocking.

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Speaker 4: She said, I don't know if I'm qualified to be

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Speaker 4: this study because my friend actually passed away in the

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Speaker 4: past week.

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Speaker 1: A few days after taking part in the experiment, one

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Speaker 1: of the complimenters in Schwan's study was killed in a

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Speaker 1: tragic car crash. I want to learn more from you,

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Speaker 1: she had written to the recipient. On another day, she

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Speaker 1: told her friend that she had a nice smile. Her

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Speaker 1: final compliment was simply you care about people and people

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Speaker 1: like you. These kind words were deeply comforting to the

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Speaker 1: recipient after her unexpected.

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Speaker 4: Loss, and she also wrote a really nice email to

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Speaker 4: me afterwards, expressing how she appreciated having this opportunity to

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Speaker 4: hear from her friend.

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Speaker 1: During the email exchange, the recipient wrote, I will remember

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Speaker 1: her forever, my dear friend, Thank you for providing me

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Speaker 1: a chance to still hear from her, even if I

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Speaker 1: lost her. This tragic story really struck a chord with me.

442
00:21:21,476 --> 00:21:23,996
Speaker 1: How many times do I think something nice about a friend,

443
00:21:24,076 --> 00:21:26,916
Speaker 1: or family member or work colleague, but just walk away

444
00:21:27,036 --> 00:21:30,316
Speaker 1: without actually saying it. Not to get all morbid, but

445
00:21:30,356 --> 00:21:32,756
Speaker 1: there's likely going to be one unlucky day that I

446
00:21:32,836 --> 00:21:36,076
Speaker 1: might not get a second chance. So why don't we

447
00:21:36,116 --> 00:21:38,716
Speaker 1: all commit right now to sharing as many kind words

448
00:21:38,756 --> 00:21:41,876
Speaker 1: as we can. After the break, we'll get some practical

449
00:21:41,916 --> 00:21:44,596
Speaker 1: tips on how we can do just that. We'll hear

450
00:21:44,676 --> 00:21:47,876
Speaker 1: that there are strategies we can use to become masterful, confident,

451
00:21:47,956 --> 00:21:50,956
Speaker 1: and even happier compliment givers, and we'll get all this

452
00:21:51,076 --> 00:21:53,516
Speaker 1: helpful expert advice from the guy who does it for

453
00:21:53,556 --> 00:21:53,956
Speaker 1: a living.

454
00:21:54,556 --> 00:21:56,716
Speaker 3: First couple of times I did it, I was nervous.

455
00:21:56,756 --> 00:22:00,316
Speaker 2: But what I think is interesting is giving the compliments

456
00:22:00,436 --> 00:22:02,756
Speaker 2: and literally saying every one of them.

457
00:22:02,796 --> 00:22:05,276
Speaker 1: Land The Happiness Lab will be back in a moment.

458
00:22:12,356 --> 00:22:14,956
Speaker 1: Over the course of this new series on being more social,

459
00:22:15,236 --> 00:22:17,836
Speaker 1: I'll be extolling the virtues of many different kinds of

460
00:22:17,876 --> 00:22:22,876
Speaker 1: social interactions, but not all of them. I like receiving

461
00:22:22,916 --> 00:22:25,716
Speaker 1: compliments as much as anyone, but I certainly don't want

462
00:22:25,756 --> 00:22:27,916
Speaker 1: some jerk approaching me on the street and saying I

463
00:22:28,036 --> 00:22:31,116
Speaker 1: have a pretty face if I smiled more, and social

464
00:22:31,156 --> 00:22:34,876
Speaker 1: interaction afficionado Nick Eppley agrees. He thinks that's not the

465
00:22:34,916 --> 00:22:37,116
Speaker 1: type of compliment people should be throwing around.

466
00:22:37,436 --> 00:22:39,636
Speaker 5: The ones that are not received well are the ones

467
00:22:39,636 --> 00:22:43,276
Speaker 5: that are inauthentic, the ones that aren't really intended to

468
00:22:43,316 --> 00:22:46,276
Speaker 5: make the other person feel good, the ones that seem

469
00:22:46,396 --> 00:22:50,756
Speaker 5: forced or are indeed creepy, that are mostly oriented towards

470
00:22:50,836 --> 00:22:53,596
Speaker 5: the self and not oriented towards the other. Our data

471
00:22:53,676 --> 00:22:56,076
Speaker 5: do not suggest you should go around all the time

472
00:22:56,516 --> 00:22:59,156
Speaker 5: saying nice things to other people no matter what. Our

473
00:22:59,236 --> 00:23:01,796
Speaker 5: data suggests that when you have a nice thing to

474
00:23:01,836 --> 00:23:04,836
Speaker 5: say to somebody, you shouldn't hold back from saying it.

475
00:23:05,276 --> 00:23:08,116
Speaker 1: And as Nick's colleague Schwan Chao explains, it does help

476
00:23:08,156 --> 00:23:10,636
Speaker 1: to remember that con text really matters.

477
00:23:10,956 --> 00:23:14,396
Speaker 4: There is a time for everything, So yes, probably don't

478
00:23:14,396 --> 00:23:17,796
Speaker 4: compliment your female colleagues about their appearance. Compliment them about

479
00:23:17,796 --> 00:23:19,796
Speaker 4: their confidence and their skills.

480
00:23:20,276 --> 00:23:23,036
Speaker 1: This is something comedian Milo mckabe thinks about a lot.

481
00:23:23,196 --> 00:23:25,036
Speaker 1: When he goes out dressed as Troy Hawk of the

482
00:23:25,036 --> 00:23:28,116
Speaker 1: International Greeters Guild. Mila wants to get a laugh, not

483
00:23:28,156 --> 00:23:30,676
Speaker 1: to creep people out. He doesn't want to get slapped

484
00:23:30,836 --> 00:23:34,596
Speaker 1: or arrested. Wisely, Milo looks for inspiration from his own

485
00:23:34,636 --> 00:23:36,316
Speaker 1: experience of being complimented.

486
00:23:36,956 --> 00:23:39,876
Speaker 2: I bet if I asked you right, I bet you

487
00:23:39,956 --> 00:23:46,876
Speaker 2: could remember random compliments people gave you, like years ago. Personally,

488
00:23:47,116 --> 00:23:49,116
Speaker 2: I remember walking down the street when I was about

489
00:23:49,156 --> 00:23:52,076
Speaker 2: twenty three or twenty four and some guy just going, oh,

490
00:23:52,116 --> 00:23:54,996
Speaker 2: I like those genes, and you remember, it stays with

491
00:23:55,076 --> 00:23:56,516
Speaker 2: you and it brightened me up.

492
00:23:56,956 --> 00:23:59,236
Speaker 1: So Milo aims to brighten a stranger's day with a

493
00:23:59,276 --> 00:24:02,956
Speaker 1: genuine observation. But also one that can't be misconstrued is

494
00:24:02,996 --> 00:24:05,676
Speaker 1: the prelude to something annoying or creepy.

495
00:24:05,716 --> 00:24:09,476
Speaker 2: They might think you're after something they might want if

496
00:24:09,476 --> 00:24:10,556
Speaker 2: you've got any motivation.

497
00:24:10,756 --> 00:24:11,956
Speaker 3: I mean, I've got a motivation.

498
00:24:12,076 --> 00:24:15,836
Speaker 2: I want to say something funny that's on point that

499
00:24:15,996 --> 00:24:17,156
Speaker 2: I'm catching on camera.

500
00:24:17,276 --> 00:24:19,036
Speaker 3: But the character has no motivation.

501
00:24:19,596 --> 00:24:22,196
Speaker 1: Of course, not everyone is charmed by Troy's stick.

502
00:24:22,596 --> 00:24:26,836
Speaker 2: Sometimes somebody will just absolutely refuse to engage on any level.

503
00:24:26,996 --> 00:24:31,076
Speaker 2: Just eyes down, what's going on, no eye contact, you

504
00:24:31,636 --> 00:24:33,476
Speaker 2: just keep going straight past.

505
00:24:33,676 --> 00:24:35,916
Speaker 1: But echoing what Nick and Schwan found in their studies,

506
00:24:36,116 --> 00:24:39,436
Speaker 1: Milo finds that the vast majority of his interactions aren't awkward.

507
00:24:40,036 --> 00:24:42,996
Speaker 1: Milott reckons his success rate in landing compliments is nearly

508
00:24:43,036 --> 00:24:43,836
Speaker 1: one hundred percent.

509
00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:47,836
Speaker 3: It will start as shock surprise.

510
00:24:48,436 --> 00:24:52,516
Speaker 2: Somebody's talking to me animatedly, and they're looking me directly

511
00:24:52,556 --> 00:24:54,956
Speaker 2: in the eye, and they're giving me one hundred percent

512
00:24:54,996 --> 00:24:58,236
Speaker 2: of their attention. So it'll be this kind of slight

513
00:24:58,316 --> 00:25:02,516
Speaker 2: withering or fear or good lord, what's going on? And

514
00:25:02,556 --> 00:25:04,836
Speaker 2: then I will sort of look them right in the

515
00:25:04,876 --> 00:25:09,116
Speaker 2: eye and fire this compliment at them. And almost always

516
00:25:09,396 --> 00:25:13,356
Speaker 2: it's an instantaneous kind of land and I'll see someone

517
00:25:13,396 --> 00:25:14,916
Speaker 2: brighten up almost every time.

518
00:25:14,996 --> 00:25:16,236
Speaker 3: Now someone brighton's up. Smile.

519
00:25:16,636 --> 00:25:20,276
Speaker 1: So what is Milo's formula for a compliment that will land.

520
00:25:20,596 --> 00:25:24,076
Speaker 2: I think the key is like tailor made unmotivated.

521
00:25:24,436 --> 00:25:26,556
Speaker 3: You can just go, ah, I like your shoes. It

522
00:25:26,596 --> 00:25:29,756
Speaker 3: will land, because you know, I'll be complimenting.

523
00:25:29,236 --> 00:25:31,996
Speaker 2: Something they've probably thought about, like a type of makeup

524
00:25:32,156 --> 00:25:34,236
Speaker 2: or an arrangement of clothes that go together.

525
00:25:34,276 --> 00:25:37,276
Speaker 3: They'd probably put that on and gone right, this is good, and.

526
00:25:37,196 --> 00:25:40,956
Speaker 2: They're here, this bizarre looking stranger is reaffirming this with

527
00:25:40,996 --> 00:25:43,396
Speaker 2: a big smile, and so a land, I would say,

528
00:25:43,556 --> 00:25:50,756
Speaker 2: bespoke unmotivated and sincere, and you can't really go far

529
00:25:50,876 --> 00:25:53,796
Speaker 2: wrong with that. I always say, I'd say that's the

530
00:25:53,876 --> 00:25:57,476
Speaker 2: trifecta of necessary elements for a well delivered compliment.

531
00:25:58,236 --> 00:26:00,916
Speaker 1: Now you may wonder if Troy's compliments really are all

532
00:26:00,956 --> 00:26:04,316
Speaker 1: the unmotivated and sincere. You might have assumed that Milo

533
00:26:04,436 --> 00:26:06,796
Speaker 1: is mostly doing the whole Troy thing to establish his

534
00:26:06,836 --> 00:26:09,956
Speaker 1: comedy career and pay the rent. Silo has found a

535
00:26:10,036 --> 00:26:12,796
Speaker 1: much more altruistic mission in the role of Troy Hawk.

536
00:26:12,956 --> 00:26:15,796
Speaker 2: And you're not looking to get anything out of the person.

537
00:26:15,996 --> 00:26:18,036
Speaker 2: You're just spreading a bit of joint. But you do

538
00:26:18,076 --> 00:26:20,836
Speaker 2: get someone out of the person because you get to

539
00:26:20,876 --> 00:26:24,276
Speaker 2: feel good that you've just made someone else two percent haveier.

540
00:26:25,076 --> 00:26:28,036
Speaker 1: Just like the participants in Nick and Schwan's experiments, Milo

541
00:26:28,116 --> 00:26:30,516
Speaker 1: has found that most of his own anxieties about giving

542
00:26:30,516 --> 00:26:34,996
Speaker 1: compliments were misplaced. He's learned firsthand that greeting strangers kindly

543
00:26:35,196 --> 00:26:38,156
Speaker 1: isn't that scary. The reactions to his off the cuff

544
00:26:38,156 --> 00:26:41,636
Speaker 1: comments are far more positive than he usually predicts, so

545
00:26:41,756 --> 00:26:44,476
Speaker 1: much so that Milo doesn't even need Troy's scarf and

546
00:26:44,516 --> 00:26:47,036
Speaker 1: smoking jacket to go into greeter guild mode.

547
00:26:47,196 --> 00:26:50,516
Speaker 2: What's interesting is in my personal life, I've actually started

548
00:26:50,516 --> 00:26:54,876
Speaker 2: giving people more compliments. I'll kind of chastise myself if

549
00:26:54,916 --> 00:26:58,556
Speaker 2: I'm passing someone and I noticed something, you know, they oh,

550
00:26:58,596 --> 00:27:01,316
Speaker 2: that's cool. I'll chastise myself now if I don't say

551
00:27:01,356 --> 00:27:04,236
Speaker 2: it because of my come on and people don't recognize

552
00:27:04,236 --> 00:27:06,076
Speaker 2: me out of character either that, but even doing it

553
00:27:06,116 --> 00:27:09,036
Speaker 2: out of character, I've got nothing but a good reaction.

554
00:27:09,876 --> 00:27:12,956
Speaker 1: Whether it's brightening someone's day by politely complimenting a passer

555
00:27:12,996 --> 00:27:16,916
Speaker 1: by or giving a heartfelt expression of appreciation to a friend, colleague,

556
00:27:16,956 --> 00:27:19,636
Speaker 1: or family member. The science shows we should all be

557
00:27:19,676 --> 00:27:22,516
Speaker 1: trying to unlock our inner Troy Hawk. So why not

558
00:27:22,556 --> 00:27:25,596
Speaker 1: try sharing a compliment with someone new and try doing

559
00:27:25,636 --> 00:27:28,436
Speaker 1: it without the usual fear of looking foolish and with

560
00:27:28,516 --> 00:27:31,916
Speaker 1: no expectation of getting anything in return, and commit to

561
00:27:31,996 --> 00:27:36,156
Speaker 1: doing the same practice often, whenever and wherever it feels appropriate.

562
00:27:36,676 --> 00:27:39,116
Speaker 1: Those few words could have a more profound impact than

563
00:27:39,156 --> 00:27:42,796
Speaker 1: you think. Just ask Schuan's husband. His reluctance to say

564
00:27:42,796 --> 00:27:45,596
Speaker 1: out loud what he genuinely felt in his heart nearly

565
00:27:45,636 --> 00:27:47,036
Speaker 1: cost him the woman he loves.

566
00:27:47,436 --> 00:27:50,596
Speaker 4: You know, our relationship got better and he was more

567
00:27:50,716 --> 00:27:53,116
Speaker 4: you know, he put more effort, practice and his skill

568
00:27:53,356 --> 00:27:57,156
Speaker 4: giving compliments. And indeed I receive compliments on a daily

569
00:27:57,196 --> 00:28:00,116
Speaker 4: basis now, so I really love that.

570
00:28:01,516 --> 00:28:04,356
Speaker 3: Hello, this is Troy. How can you've hit the finish line? Wonderful?

571
00:28:04,436 --> 00:28:07,156
Speaker 2: In George, you are a leviason of the listening odds.

572
00:28:07,636 --> 00:28:10,556
Speaker 2: Some folks will choose pod costs that's mainly chewing gum

573
00:28:10,596 --> 00:28:12,836
Speaker 2: for the ears. We'll go to different routes, a more

574
00:28:12,836 --> 00:28:15,596
Speaker 2: preferable one in my opinion, one that could be gonn

575
00:28:15,676 --> 00:28:18,956
Speaker 2: enrich your understanding of yourself and others, so you'll give

576
00:28:18,956 --> 00:28:20,156
Speaker 2: yourself a big old cuddle.

577
00:28:20,516 --> 00:28:21,436
Speaker 3: That is a command.

578
00:28:21,996 --> 00:28:25,516
Speaker 2: Deeply appreciate your patronage.

579
00:28:25,556 --> 00:28:27,916
Speaker 1: On the next episode of this season, on Connecting Better,

580
00:28:28,196 --> 00:28:31,636
Speaker 1: we'll explore another way to fight under sociality by reaching

581
00:28:31,636 --> 00:28:34,116
Speaker 1: out a bit more frequently to the people we care about.

582
00:28:34,636 --> 00:28:37,476
Speaker 1: We'll see that we often underestimate how important a quick

583
00:28:37,516 --> 00:28:39,756
Speaker 1: text or phone call can be to a friend in need,

584
00:28:40,396 --> 00:28:43,556
Speaker 1: and we'll learn helpful tips for overcoming the usual busyness

585
00:28:43,596 --> 00:28:45,636
Speaker 1: that can prevent us from being the best friend we

586
00:28:45,716 --> 00:28:48,516
Speaker 1: can be. All that and more on the next episode

587
00:28:48,556 --> 00:28:56,116
Speaker 1: of The Happiness Lab with me Doctor Laurie Santos. The

588
00:28:56,116 --> 00:28:58,596
Speaker 1: Happiness Lab is co written and produced by Ryan Dilly.

589
00:28:59,036 --> 00:29:02,796
Speaker 1: Our original music was composed by Zachary Silver, with additional scoring,

590
00:29:02,916 --> 00:29:06,476
Speaker 1: mixing and mastering by Evan Viola. Jess Shane and Alice

591
00:29:06,556 --> 00:29:10,276
Speaker 1: Bynes offered additional production support social thanks to my agent,

592
00:29:10,316 --> 00:29:16,716
Speaker 1: Ben Davis and all of the Pushkin group. If you

593
00:29:16,836 --> 00:29:19,236
Speaker 1: liked hearing about Schwan's research, you should check out the

594
00:29:19,236 --> 00:29:24,036
Speaker 1: new program she's developed, Flourish Together, which offers interactive online workshops,

595
00:29:24,076 --> 00:29:26,956
Speaker 1: a mobile app, and physical products designed to help people

596
00:29:26,956 --> 00:29:31,236
Speaker 1: discover joy, combat burnout, and cultivate deeper connections. You can

597
00:29:31,316 --> 00:29:36,156
Speaker 1: learn more at flouriship dot com. That's flourish ip f

598
00:29:36,316 --> 00:29:39,716
Speaker 1: l O U r I s h ip dot com