Speaker 1: Fuck new Year's resolutions.
Speaker 2: That as I'm curious to know as to why well
Speaker 2: for me in this new year, I'm choosing not to
Speaker 2: resolute if I cannot maintain the resolution dead ass. Hey,
Speaker 2: I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Speaker 2: Voice and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1: Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 3: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 3: li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 3: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 3: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 3: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
Speaker 3: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 3: We about to take philosof to our whole new levels.
Speaker 2: Starts right now.
Speaker 3: Story time. I'm gonna take y'all back to January second.
Speaker 2: Oh, go to the dates.
Speaker 1: Yes, this is why I'm pissed. I'm not really business.
Speaker 3: January January second, two thousand and sixteen. This was the
Speaker 3: year that we had moved to Pacplex.
Speaker 2: Ah. It's also the year I got pregnant with Cairo. Yes,
Speaker 2: I remember, I think I'm the fourth.
Speaker 3: Yes, that was our first year in the gym. That's
Speaker 3: why I remember this so vividly. January second, we had
Speaker 3: an influx of people signing up for memberships. Remember Dolo
Speaker 3: and I had did the Elite Physique boot Camp. Yes,
Speaker 3: we did the Elite Physique boot Camp. We had I
Speaker 3: think it was seventy plus people come out to the
Speaker 3: boot camp.
Speaker 1: It was like, Yo, we're going to infuse all this
Speaker 1: life into the gym.
Speaker 2: Vengeance.
Speaker 3: It was like, let's get ready to go, let's create
Speaker 3: this right, boom, seventy five people came out.
Speaker 1: January third, there was three people in the gym. Three people.
Speaker 2: Yo, that's because you kill them on that first day.
Speaker 2: They didn't even want to come back.
Speaker 1: No, this is my issue. You know, we'll discuss what
Speaker 1: the issue is.
Speaker 3: Bottom line is, we have put all of this effort right,
Speaker 3: and we had put all of this energy into creating
Speaker 3: this great package for people pause for the New Year,
Speaker 3: because we understand that people create New Year's resolutions.
Speaker 1: We did everything that.
Speaker 3: You were supposed to do to entice people to join
Speaker 3: the gym, and they did join the gym, and they
Speaker 3: never came back.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they didn't just lie to us, they lied to themselves.
Speaker 2: Baby in that bank account, because when that rear current
Speaker 2: payment hits every month, how many people, how many show
Speaker 2: of hands, how many people right now have that gym
Speaker 2: membership that they taking money out of your account auto
Speaker 2: debit every month and you ain't step foot in there.
Speaker 3: In a minute, I got two for you and your
Speaker 3: mom's I'm gonna raise both hands.
Speaker 2: Three of us. I go to the gym, Yeah, I
Speaker 2: need downstairs. Yes, but you know.
Speaker 1: I don't go to the gym. I got a gym dance,
Speaker 1: so I go there. Yeah. So that's my story.
Speaker 3: Ever since that day, I've been kind of mad at
Speaker 3: New Year's Resolutions. But I also have a bigger story,
Speaker 3: you know that I want to discuss when we come
Speaker 3: back about actually New Year's Eve, and then we'll discuss
Speaker 3: why I despise New Year's Resolutions. All right, So for karaoke,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna let the first karaoke of the.
Speaker 2: New Year, thank you so much. You know, I was
Speaker 2: thinking of like ways we can like revamp the show
Speaker 2: and all that, but I'm like, you know what, I
Speaker 2: love the format that we have karaoke is always fun.
Speaker 2: This karaoke came to me just thinking about like the
Speaker 2: new year, seizing the moment, and also having met this
Speaker 2: young lady, beautiful, young lady, super talented. We sat two
Speaker 2: tables away from each other at the Usher concert. Yes
Speaker 2: that my amazing husband, My amazing husband.
Speaker 1: I don't think they heard.
Speaker 2: My spectacular, incredible, amazing husband took me to the Usher
Speaker 2: Residency show in Vegas back in November. We saw the
Speaker 2: third to last show, yes on a random Wednesday, and
Speaker 2: I'm so happy we picked that date because I got
Speaker 2: to meet Victoria Moneue.
Speaker 1: Whatsh yeah? And what didn't he call your name? Y'all? See?
Speaker 2: Did y'all see?
Speaker 1: Did you see that?
Speaker 2: I called this album? Got to meet him in all
Speaker 2: that good stuff. But she was just so sweet. I've
Speaker 2: been following her for a minute now. I think it
Speaker 2: was back in like twenty twenty is when I discovered
Speaker 2: Victoria Moneue. And it's actually one of my favorite songs
Speaker 2: that she she sings. You know all my mama is
Speaker 2: popping right now too. But this one goes back to
Speaker 2: like twenty twenty. I believe when it was released, and
Speaker 2: I even kind of got you on it today, on
Speaker 2: it so I got this feeling that you brought me
Speaker 2: to you. Yeah you did, baby. Look what's your mind's
Speaker 2: imagine the nation can do making shit true? Yeah you
Speaker 2: do baby? Oh yeah, get it, baby, So let me
Speaker 2: take away your pain, give me only your emotions landed
Speaker 2: like a plane on my back. If you can't hold it,
Speaker 2: life is but a dream that you manifested slowly, so
Speaker 2: fucking fantasy. It's your motherfucking moment, period. Yes, it's your
Speaker 2: motherfucking moment, y'all. Top of the year. Let's go. Let's
Speaker 2: get it. That shit goes hard.
Speaker 3: You did that, you did well, Thank.
Speaker 2: You, because y'all know one thing I can't do is
Speaker 2: holding no if you place it in my hand. Baby.
Speaker 2: But I'm gonna araok, y'all, because that's what we do.
Speaker 2: Season thirteen, dead ass. We're gonna pay some bills and
Speaker 2: we're gonna get back.
Speaker 1: All right. So now we're back, so back.
Speaker 2: Talking about New Year's resolutions. So New York resolutions for
Speaker 2: me aren't always necessarily like gym or fitness specific, but
Speaker 2: I do know a lot of people use that as
Speaker 2: an opportunity to feel like, Okay, it's a new year,
Speaker 2: let's restart. I feel like this year was unique in
Speaker 2: a sense because the first day of the year fell
Speaker 2: on a Monday, and a lot of people I saw
Speaker 2: just on social media and stuff, were just like, wow,
Speaker 2: like this is perfect that it starts on the Monday,
Speaker 2: because it's the beginning of the week, the first day
Speaker 2: of the work week. Were prepared to really just let
Speaker 2: it all rip and be as organized and to restart
Speaker 2: and jump start on that day. For me, at least,
Speaker 2: the kids went back to school technically on the third,
Speaker 2: so for me, the week didn't start till the Wednesday,
Speaker 2: so it was easy for me to be like, you
Speaker 2: know what, I'll start next Monday.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. You see what I'm saying on.
Speaker 2: The next Monday, which has been the eighth.
Speaker 1: So you you part of a problem.
Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, I was trying to come up with
Speaker 2: an excuse me.
Speaker 1: Yes, I got what.
Speaker 2: I don't I don't have.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna give you my perspective of why I hate
Speaker 3: New Year's resolutions. I hate New Year's Eve. Maybe I'm
Speaker 3: a scrooge. I'm a New Year's scrooge. But I feel
Speaker 3: like around Thanksgiving. Now, even before Thanksgiving, like right after Halloween,
Speaker 3: people start to And I watched this even when I
Speaker 3: was a trainer. I watch people say, oh, this year
Speaker 3: is a wash.
Speaker 1: From the end of October.
Speaker 3: Yes, and they spend the next sixty days just doing
Speaker 3: all the wrong things and saying, it's the holidays, it's
Speaker 3: the holidays. I'll start again come New Year's Day.
Speaker 1: And I watch people say that lie to themselves for
Speaker 1: sixty days leading up to New Year's Day. Then they
Speaker 1: go out and party New Year's Eve and they enjoy
Speaker 1: this one big moment that literally lasts less than a second.
Speaker 1: The ball drops, and then it's reality.
Speaker 3: Nothing in your life is automatically gonna change on January first.
Speaker 3: And I watched those same people saying, eh, i'll.
Speaker 1: Start next next year.
Speaker 2: Ar yep.
Speaker 3: But that cycle is so like detrimental because we're toxic.
Speaker 3: You start, you start January thirty, say hey, i'll start
Speaker 3: next year. You make all excuses, so you go through
Speaker 3: the year. Then at the end of the year, you
Speaker 3: let yourself indulge even more in the bullshit that you
Speaker 3: was doing that year because you say, hey, i'll start
Speaker 3: over January first, and then when January first comes, you
Speaker 3: make no change.
Speaker 2: No, I see that too, even just like so there's
Speaker 2: so many different ways that we can decide to start over, right,
Speaker 2: But thinking about fitness, for example, you have that New
Speaker 2: Year's Day resolution that we're going to be fit, so
Speaker 2: you go into it for maybe the month of January. Right,
Speaker 2: some people are practicing dry January where they're not drinking
Speaker 2: after partaking in tons of drinks at the end of
Speaker 2: the year. So there's like this, you know, like a
Speaker 2: like a cleanse, it's detoxing of sorts. And then you
Speaker 2: get to like May June, when you clearly haven't been
Speaker 2: on track since the new year, and the summertime comes
Speaker 2: and it's well, does summer gonna get whatever? Body? I
Speaker 2: get it? And then it's like, oh, we're going into
Speaker 2: the winter. We're gonna start training for this summer body
Speaker 2: in the winter. And then it becomes a vicious cycle
Speaker 2: of never getting to where you want to be. But
Speaker 2: how many people are doing that with just so many
Speaker 2: different aspects of life.
Speaker 1: All of their goals. Most people, and this is the truth.
Speaker 3: I'm not trying to knock people, but most people tend
Speaker 3: to get in their own way because they find reasons
Speaker 3: to talk themselves out of doing it in that moment.
Speaker 2: That's me. I will admit it. Yes, that's me.
Speaker 1: I remember my taekwondo and jiu jitsu teacher Donna Commando,
Speaker 1: right before New Year. This was in like nineteen ninety six.
Speaker 1: I was young, didn't understand it, but she challenged us.
Speaker 3: She said, I want you guys to treat every moment
Speaker 3: like it's New Year's Eve?
Speaker 1: And I was like, what you mean by like? I
Speaker 1: didn't get it? You know, I'm twelve. What does that mean?
Speaker 3: She was just like, see how excited people get they
Speaker 3: prepare for New Year's Eve. There's like, why wouldn't She said,
Speaker 3: why don't you treat every moment like that? You know,
Speaker 3: you see some happy new moment. This is the first
Speaker 3: time in this I've seen you. Right, when you see
Speaker 3: someone for the first time in the new year, it's
Speaker 3: happy New Year, you give them a hug, and then
Speaker 3: after that you go back to treating them like it.
Speaker 1: What's up?
Speaker 3: It's like, how come as people we don't embrace every
Speaker 3: moment as if it is a.
Speaker 2: New moment, happy new moment.
Speaker 3: And also when it comes to our goals, treat our goals,
Speaker 3: like every day is the first day of the year
Speaker 3: that starts on Monday. If we treated every moment like that,
Speaker 3: every goal like that, every idea, every relationship, we can
Speaker 3: all live better lives. And that's why I don't like
Speaker 3: New Year, because it always gives people an out. I'll
Speaker 3: start next year, and the next year it comes and
Speaker 3: then you say it again.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: If there was no New Year, yes, and it was
Speaker 3: just this was my continuous life, most people would say,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna start now, because if I don't start now,
Speaker 3: it's just gonna spiral into something I don't want.
Speaker 1: That's why I can't this. I despise the new Year.
Speaker 2: I wonder if there's like a comfort zone that people
Speaker 2: have with like the new year, the new months, the
Speaker 2: beginning of the week. You know, there's something about that
Speaker 2: time frame for people that they mentally say, now's the
Speaker 2: time to start. But really, ultimately it's not the start,
Speaker 2: it's the consistency, because I know I've had the issue
Speaker 2: with the consistency of it all. Like it's nice to
Speaker 2: think of a new beginning and the detoxing and the cleansing,
Speaker 2: and here's what we're going to do. But the follow through,
Speaker 2: I think is what most people have the issue with.
Speaker 2: I E. Me. I know I've been you know, on
Speaker 2: I've been guilty of that too, you know, not keeping
Speaker 2: up with whether it was fitness goals or just just
Speaker 2: you know, getting work done. But at what point does
Speaker 2: it hit you that enough is enough? I think for me,
Speaker 2: forty was a big, a big thing for me, where
Speaker 2: I was just like, girl, like, you don't have all
Speaker 2: the time that you thought you had.
Speaker 1: You still got mad time.
Speaker 2: I still have mad time. But I'm just saying, like
Speaker 2: you really think about it, I need to get out
Speaker 2: of my mind. I think about ages most people, so
Speaker 2: much of life has gone and I still have more
Speaker 2: to do.
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, but even even that thought process, so
Speaker 1: much of life isn't going. Babe, Like, you've lived forty years, right,
Speaker 1: you could live to be ninety. That's fifty more years.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 3: We pray we want that, But if we keep looking
Speaker 3: at things in that perspective, it will always be a
Speaker 3: reason why we can delay.
Speaker 1: Right, Let's just throw all of that away. Dens of
Speaker 1: Washington said a quote.
Speaker 3: I'm not saying it correctly, but it's like with confidence,
Speaker 3: you'll never start and with consistency, you'll never finish. Now,
Speaker 3: confidence wasn't the first part, but what I gained from
Speaker 3: it was that, right, the first thing you have to
Speaker 3: do is start. But like you said just now, which
Speaker 3: I think was so profound, it's not just about starting,
Speaker 3: because in the new year, that's what people do.
Speaker 1: I go to the gym. I started.
Speaker 3: It's not about starting, it's about consistency so that you
Speaker 3: can finish and reach the goal. And most people won't
Speaker 3: even try to be consistent because they'll just say, well,
Speaker 3: I can start over again, and that's the out the crutches.
Speaker 1: I can start over again.
Speaker 3: Right, you can never start life over again, So why
Speaker 3: do we keep putting a new barometer where we can
Speaker 3: start over again? Life has already started. The only thing
Speaker 3: guaranteed to this life is that it will end at
Speaker 3: some point.
Speaker 1: You don't know when. So since we don't know when,
Speaker 1: we should value every moment as it's happening and not saying, oh,
Speaker 1: I can start it again.
Speaker 2: We see what I'm saying, We really should. I mean,
Speaker 2: I think about so many people who have left this
Speaker 2: earth with so much left to be done that they've
Speaker 2: spoken about and wanted to do, and just never got
Speaker 2: around to it, particularly me dealing with my uncles, the
Speaker 2: loss of my uncle, and think it. I mean the
Speaker 2: moments when he just said I can't wait to come
Speaker 2: down and see you. When When can I come when?
Speaker 2: And you just keep thinking you'll have time until you
Speaker 2: don't have time. But also speaking to the consistency of things,
Speaker 2: they say it takes what twenty one days for you
Speaker 2: to form a habit or something of the sort. I
Speaker 2: forget how long it is.
Speaker 3: Well, I don't know about the days, but I know
Speaker 3: it takes over a thousand reps. Okay, So I know
Speaker 3: that from sports, from exercise, physiology and theciology. It takes
Speaker 3: a thousand reps of a muscle movement to become a
Speaker 3: habit or become muscle memory.
Speaker 2: Right, And maybe in the physical, but just in general, Like, yeah,
Speaker 2: even if it means like waking up early every day,
Speaker 2: I think it takes twenty one days or something like
Speaker 2: that to form a habit or for you to break
Speaker 2: yourself of that. So like even just with us and
Speaker 2: our you know, nutrition journey that we've been on, you
Speaker 2: and I deciding to just kind of cut certain things
Speaker 2: from our diet and change certain things and finding alternatives.
Speaker 2: It's to the point now where we just can't even
Speaker 2: eat the things that we used to We can't consume
Speaker 2: the drinks that we used to like. Things are just
Speaker 2: so different. But that was also consistency and really the
Speaker 2: willpower and wanting to change and be different and to
Speaker 2: be better. So we believe in making changes when the
Speaker 2: need for change comes. And of course there's no better
Speaker 2: time than at the top of the year. But the
Speaker 2: turn of an old year into a new year is
Speaker 2: one that's a perfect metaphor for change, and it can
Speaker 2: be the perfect motivator.
Speaker 3: It can be Yeah, it can be the perfect motivator,
Speaker 3: or it could be the perfect crutch. I'll just wait
Speaker 3: until the new year.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes, So let's think about it. Some things
Speaker 2: that we're trying to consider when we think about a
Speaker 2: new year, doing things over, starting fresh, asking each other
Speaker 2: what we think we can do differently in our relationship
Speaker 2: this year.
Speaker 3: I think that's an important conversation for couples to have
Speaker 3: throughout the year. This conversation is about the new year,
Speaker 3: but I think that conversation is just important in general.
Speaker 1: Right, what can we do? What can I do?
Speaker 3: And we're gonna talk about this in a later podcast,
Speaker 3: because we had a whole not even ordeal, but we
Speaker 3: had a perfect example while we were filming yesterday that
Speaker 3: you and I have noticed our growth as a couple. Yes,
Speaker 3: and we were able to pinpoint like, man, you handled
Speaker 3: that differently than you would have Oh, for sure, I
Speaker 3: handled it differently than I would have.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 3: And it's also a good time for the new year
Speaker 3: to also not only talk about what you can change,
Speaker 3: but also point out growth, absolutely point out what you've
Speaker 3: done differently, to say, you know what, we have come
Speaker 3: a long way. Let's not just say everything helways has
Speaker 3: to change. Let's look back and say, look, this is
Speaker 3: where we were, this is where we are.
Speaker 2: I think one thing that's worked for us over the
Speaker 2: years is using the new year. Although we do have
Speaker 2: frequent touch about where we are when it comes to
Speaker 2: personal goals, family goals, career, individual together, the children, We're
Speaker 2: always having touch bases throughout the year, whether it's quarterly, weekly,
Speaker 2: about what we want to do, what we're doing, assessing
Speaker 2: the situation, but even just being away with my girlfriends
Speaker 2: from my birthday, I was encouraging them, those who are
Speaker 2: in relationships to start the New Years as a moment
Speaker 2: or as a time where you sit with your significant
Speaker 2: other and you make plans for the year. You assess
Speaker 2: the things that happened in the previous year, whether it's career,
Speaker 2: you know, relationship based, family, whatever, assess the things that
Speaker 2: worked that didn't work, and then you make a plan
Speaker 2: for the new year and have those moments where you
Speaker 2: can touch base. Because we've done that, yes, for several years,
Speaker 2: I think it definitely helps with setting the tone for
Speaker 2: the year.
Speaker 3: It's funny you say that because I have a couple
Speaker 3: of different group chats, and a couple of the dudes
Speaker 3: in the group chats out then have asked me on
Speaker 3: the side, like your d how do you set up
Speaker 3: your ar Like how do you set up your year
Speaker 3: to move forward and progress? And how do you decide
Speaker 3: like what you're going to focus on for the year.
Speaker 3: And for a large part of those conversations, I was lost,
Speaker 3: like I don't understand what you're talking about. And you're like,
Speaker 3: you know, the start of the year. I've never been
Speaker 3: a start of the year guy. It's just every week,
Speaker 3: every month. And what I did tell them was I
Speaker 3: don't utilize the start of the year is to be
Speaker 3: all and end off for anything.
Speaker 1: Every month. I every month.
Speaker 3: It starts with my finances, to my health, to my
Speaker 3: mental health, to my relationships with my wife, to my sons,
Speaker 3: to my friends. I'm always asking myself where was our
Speaker 3: last month? Where am I now? How am I going
Speaker 3: to get to where I want to get to next month?
Speaker 3: And what I don't ever do is I don't judge
Speaker 3: myself based on where I am in this moment, because
Speaker 3: sometimes you don't realize how far you come until you
Speaker 3: look back. Some of us are so like head driven
Speaker 3: that we only look forward.
Speaker 1: I do that a lot. And that's one thing you've
Speaker 1: taught me.
Speaker 3: Over the past couple of years was vow you're always
Speaker 3: so upset about where you haven't reached yet that you
Speaker 3: don't even realize how far you've come.
Speaker 1: And I was like, I don't know what you're talking me.
Speaker 1: I want to shit. I just know where I want to.
Speaker 3: Go, right, But I will employ everybody the start of
Speaker 3: this year, rather than saying I want to go here,
Speaker 3: take a look back at the year before and the
Speaker 3: year before that and the year before that, and see
Speaker 3: where you've come or if you haven't moved at all,
Speaker 3: and then only then should you make an assessment about
Speaker 3: how you're going to move forward.
Speaker 2: I think that's very key. But it's funny you said
Speaker 2: to me when I said, Man, I'm thinking about all
Speaker 2: the life that I've lived so far, and it's forty years,
Speaker 2: and it's like, man, what have I really done in
Speaker 2: forty years. It's a similar thing here where I'm also
Speaker 2: looking at the things that I haven't accomplished yet and
Speaker 2: the things that I still want to do, and still
Speaker 2: feeling like I'm running out of time. Like we always
Speaker 2: talk about this clock and this time frame that we
Speaker 2: have in our minds, things that need to be done.
Speaker 2: I forget who it was. Recently, I was reading up
Speaker 2: on was it Quentin Brunson that just started like acting
Speaker 2: or writing in her forties?
Speaker 1: A lot of people I don't know.
Speaker 4: I forget who it was, but she just started on
Speaker 4: social started directing it like yeah, and it's like there's
Speaker 4: so much I feel like when you start doing things
Speaker 4: in your you know, the end of the thirties early
Speaker 4: forties is when you really have a grasp on who
Speaker 4: you are, what you're capable of, what you want, what
Speaker 4: your non negotiables are.
Speaker 2: And we'll talk about this in another episode with just
Speaker 2: forties and what that means to us. But really at
Speaker 2: that point, you just realized there's so much more time
Speaker 2: that I have to the things that I want to do,
Speaker 2: but I'm better equipped to do it now because of
Speaker 2: my life experiences. So it really depends on how you
Speaker 2: look at it.
Speaker 3: And that's what I really want to employ people in
Speaker 3: this episode. It's to stop looking at the new year
Speaker 3: as a got to start now. It's a fresh slate,
Speaker 3: and I'm gonna because once you start doing that, you
Speaker 3: start to create all of these Like first of all,
Speaker 3: you create these ceilings and expectation for yourself that if
Speaker 3: you don't reach a certain spot at a certain time,
Speaker 3: then it's quit.
Speaker 1: I'll start over next year.
Speaker 3: I implore people to start by looking back first and see
Speaker 3: how far you've come.
Speaker 1: Patch yourself on the back.
Speaker 3: You, for example, forty years old, you graduate from college,
Speaker 3: got your master's degree Magne coulaude. You've worked in multiple fields,
Speaker 3: built a successful business, built successful businesses, had four children,
Speaker 3: got married, move across country twice. You gonna see what
Speaker 3: I'm saying, Like, there's a lot of things that you've
Speaker 3: done that some people that's their goal that you've already
Speaker 3: done at forty, so for you to be like, man,
Speaker 3: so much time has passed and I haven't accomplished anything.
Speaker 3: We all do that as people, all of us, not
Speaker 3: just you. I've done that myself. I'm sitting here and
Speaker 3: I'm sitting here watching TV, and you guys know how
Speaker 3: much I love film. I love television, and I'm watching
Speaker 3: these films and I want to do a big blockbuster film.
Speaker 3: So I'm watching I think it was Top Gun. Then
Speaker 3: I watched Mission Impossible and then it's like a tear
Speaker 3: rolled down my face.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, you were in the theater once, like for
Speaker 2: a little strip of time, like just watching watch rooms. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and k was just like, what room you looking at you? Like,
Speaker 2: I know this movie good, but I mean, I mean,
Speaker 2: it wasn't.
Speaker 1: Jerk, And I was just thinking, Nah, what i want
Speaker 1: to do. I want to add what I want to do.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm forty years old.
Speaker 3: You know how many people that have been in films
Speaker 3: at that time? They forty And then Kate was like, yeah,
Speaker 3: but have those people played in the NFL? And they
Speaker 3: started a business. I'm not for profit, move across the country,
Speaker 3: half for kids, wrote a book became a New York
Speaker 3: Times bestseller, became an influencer.
Speaker 1: And I was kind of like, yeah, that's nice stuff.
Speaker 2: But I would ask that's literally just that. At random
Speaker 2: points start the day, I'll see he looks a little
Speaker 2: like pensive, and I'm like, what's the matter you, okay,
Speaker 2: because first of all, I'm gonna be like, what did
Speaker 2: I do?
Speaker 1: You?
Speaker 2: Like, in this year, I'm not looking at what did
Speaker 2: I do? Because it's not always me all the time.
Speaker 2: I don't be doing nothing, I don't be doing that,
Speaker 2: and I just be breathing. And sometimes this niggas look
Speaker 2: like he's pissed, and I'm like, what's the matter.
Speaker 1: He's like, Man, I just want to act, That's it.
Speaker 2: I just want to act. I want to act. I
Speaker 2: want to be respected as an actor. I want people
Speaker 2: to see me. I want to be a THESPI and
Speaker 2: I want to act. And I'm like, it's coming, babe,
Speaker 2: it's coming. I know it is. I know it is.
Speaker 3: And we went to Sherry's show Crystal and I this
Speaker 3: year and she had a mantra that she talked about
Speaker 3: because she talked with Oprah and the mantra she got
Speaker 3: was later Greater Comes Later which, if you think about it,
Speaker 3: Sherry didn't become a host of her own daytime TV
Speaker 3: show until she was in her fifties. She's been a
Speaker 3: comedian for over thirty years, doing the work, you know
Speaker 3: what I'm saying, doing the work. And now she's up
Speaker 3: for every award, she's killing it and she's in her fifties.
Speaker 3: Here we are just turned forty thirty nine, thinking, oh,
Speaker 3: it is over, no time, there's no time left.
Speaker 2: That was me at thirty. I was in shambles when
Speaker 2: I turned thirty, y'all. I was literally in shap I
Speaker 2: was like the skinniest that ever was in my life too,
Speaker 2: and just like stressed, like I'm thirty. The life is over.
Speaker 2: It's like that top of the roller coaster and now
Speaker 2: you're like on your way down. And I'm like, damn,
Speaker 2: so thank you. And I was so excited about forty,
Speaker 2: like I feel so excited about it. So many people
Speaker 2: who are already in there forties tell me how amazing it
Speaker 2: is here and so far, so good.
Speaker 5: I will say, it is amazing here in your forties,
Speaker 5: it's in. Things have been amazing. You're nearing there, Yes,
Speaker 5: amazing for me and your oh appreciate.
Speaker 2: And speaking of things we can do differently in our relationship.
Speaker 2: This year, I am completely and fully invested in making
Speaker 2: sure I'm finding moments to just do small things to
Speaker 2: celebrate you and let you know how much you mean
Speaker 2: to me. I think we get caught in the rat
Speaker 2: race sometimes. I know how I get sometimes with just
Speaker 2: horse blinders on when there's things to be done and
Speaker 2: there's kids, and there's work, and there's stuff, and there's stuff.
Speaker 2: But I am looking forward to just spending more small
Speaker 2: moments just you know, loving on you and also too
Speaker 2: deval and I are not. We've kind of made the
Speaker 2: decision together that when it comes to our relationship, we've
Speaker 2: given y'all a whole lot. Yeah, but we don't give
Speaker 2: you everything. We've given y'all a whole lot, And to
Speaker 2: an extent, I think we've reached the end of sharing
Speaker 2: about our relationship and marriage.
Speaker 1: And yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3: I mean not the end, because we're still going to
Speaker 3: share because we love to share. I'm a content creator,
Speaker 3: my wife's a content creator, and what better content and
Speaker 3: creator about your life? Like there's no better content. But
Speaker 3: and we're gonna do a whole podcast about this. But
Speaker 3: our children are of paramount important to us, and we
Speaker 3: really would be doing them a disservice if we didn't
Speaker 3: focus on parenting more than we did content creation. And
Speaker 3: the older Jackson gets, the older Kyro and kads getting
Speaker 3: able to voice to us what they want and what
Speaker 3: they need and require, they need us more and they
Speaker 3: need less us entertaining people while parenting them. So we
Speaker 3: are definitely making a choice to do things differently, especially
Speaker 3: in this year, protect our peace as a family a
Speaker 3: lot more. Because when it was just CoDeeN and I,
Speaker 3: it's easier to go out there and create content and
Speaker 3: do stuff and feel comfortable. But when your children are
Speaker 3: now out there on their own by themselves and people
Speaker 3: like hey Jackson, I've seen hey Kiro, I know, and
Speaker 3: they coming home and telling us, it's starting to get
Speaker 3: a little scary, you know, because you know, you just
Speaker 3: don't want your children to feel like they didn't.
Speaker 1: Have a choice, you know.
Speaker 3: So absolutely things will change for the ilyssis not in
Speaker 3: a bad way. This is just a way for us
Speaker 3: to you know, y'all know us can I gonna be
Speaker 3: D and K until we die?
Speaker 2: Shout out to our patreon gang, who fact, that's where
Speaker 2: you're really going to get, if anything, the content that
Speaker 2: we continue to put forward. Yeah, this gear moving on.
Speaker 2: So just to make that almost like I guess a
Speaker 2: mini announcement that if you're going to want to see
Speaker 2: the Ellises, that's where you're going to get it. It's
Speaker 2: on Patreon. Because other than that, we're really just making
Speaker 2: a conscious effort to step back. I mean, think about it.
Speaker 2: We've been on the scene doing like Black Love. How
Speaker 2: many years ago is that?
Speaker 1: That was six years ago? Cairo was a baby and.
Speaker 2: Just pregnant with Cas almost six years on going on
Speaker 2: seven years. I mean, if you will, you can call
Speaker 2: deval and I the godmother and godfather of family content,
Speaker 2: black love content, you know what I mean. We've been
Speaker 2: doing this for a while. We've been with all the panels.
Speaker 2: We've been talking about relationship, we wrote a book, we
Speaker 2: did the documentary. It's like, how many more ways can
Speaker 2: we begin to or continue to tell our story without it,
Speaker 2: you know, of course getting monotonous, and we don't realize
Speaker 2: as devou star rises, as my star rises, there's going
Speaker 2: to be new people who are exposed to the Ellison.
Speaker 3: I don't know you, I don't think it will ever
Speaker 3: be monotonous because life is an organism. It changes consistently,
Speaker 3: so nothing will be monotonous. The conversations we have about
Speaker 3: our family today will be completely different tomorrow once the kids.
Speaker 2: Get about Love Story, particularly, But I don't.
Speaker 3: Think anything can become monotonist because it's always evolving. Like
Speaker 3: I love Story. Think about the podcast I Love Story.
Speaker 3: When we first started this thirteen seasons ago, it's not
Speaker 3: the same as.
Speaker 1: It is now. The way we spend about each other,
Speaker 1: to each.
Speaker 2: Other, for each other, spoken about Yeah.
Speaker 1: So I think it's it's always going to evolve.
Speaker 3: I think for me, and I'm not going to speak
Speaker 3: for you, but for me, the biggest issue is time,
Speaker 3: Like I really want to be involved as a father
Speaker 3: and as a husband right and as a mom. My
Speaker 3: mind for the past seven years has been We're gonna
Speaker 3: go spend time or do something. But how does this
Speaker 3: become digestible content for our viewers as opposed to I'm
Speaker 3: going to spend time with my wife, and I just
Speaker 3: want to spend time with my wife.
Speaker 2: Think about the amazing time we had spelling since us
Speaker 2: spending the New Year. Sorry, I had such a good time.
Speaker 2: I had such a good time at the end of
Speaker 2: the year, y'all. It's making me stammer. But just from
Speaker 2: my birthday trip my girls, to us being away with
Speaker 2: my family and the boys and stuff for my mom's birthday,
Speaker 2: my birthday, and the New Year, and we weren't documenting
Speaker 2: any of it for public consumption. We were just living
Speaker 2: in those moments and it was amazing.
Speaker 3: I also think that's why the podcast is going to
Speaker 3: continue to be what it is, because now that we're
Speaker 3: not picking up our phones as much and we're actually
Speaker 3: living in the moment, which is what we've been talking
Speaker 3: about today. Living in these moments, these new moments from
Speaker 3: the New year. Yes, living in these moments allow us
Speaker 3: to tell you, guys what happened through the podcast.
Speaker 1: So I know you guys have been seeing.
Speaker 3: There's going to be our last go around for the
Speaker 3: Dead Ass Podcast live show.
Speaker 1: We're going to do a podcast about that, yes, but
Speaker 1: Dead Ass Podcast.
Speaker 3: Is not going anywhere for now. We're going to continue
Speaker 3: to you see, k ready to be out the vale
Speaker 3: ain't going nowhere. CA can goever this. I love doing this, No, I.
Speaker 2: Love doing this too, But I also toy with and
Speaker 2: contemplate the idea of like when you have something good.
Speaker 2: At what point do you just say, you know what,
Speaker 2: good things come to an end. Let us know how
Speaker 2: y'all feel about that, y'all, let us know how you
Speaker 2: feel about that. Because I go back and forth, I
Speaker 2: go back and forth.
Speaker 3: You think they're gonna tell us they want it to
Speaker 3: be over. They listening like they're not. I don't know
Speaker 3: what you're asking for.
Speaker 2: No, I'm just saying, you know, the the podcast space
Speaker 2: is very, very like saturated. Now, maybe there's other stuff people.
Speaker 1: There's only one dad.
Speaker 2: As I was going to roll out, the breakfast club
Speaker 2: is going.
Speaker 1: On for how many years?
Speaker 3: This is like thirteen years for them, and they still
Speaker 3: get up every morning and they like certain things. If
Speaker 3: this was a scripted television show where we had to
Speaker 3: find stuff to talk about, then I'd be concerned because
Speaker 3: it's like, how many ways can y'all do this? But
Speaker 3: this is a show where we discussed our life and
Speaker 3: what's happening.
Speaker 1: Our life is constantly happening. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: I get it. Yeah, And I.
Speaker 3: Love to talk to people about it or talk about
Speaker 3: because people get a chance to see.
Speaker 1: I love to share.
Speaker 3: I'm never going to be a pastor I'm not going
Speaker 3: to be an attorney. I'm not going to be a congressman.
Speaker 3: But the way I feel like I can help people
Speaker 3: is by sharing my experience and using my platform to
Speaker 3: share my experience, not through anyone else's sore. For me,
Speaker 3: dead Ass podcast is a way for people to get the.
Speaker 1: Real from us.
Speaker 2: Yes, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: No one can tell No one is telling us what
Speaker 3: to say how to say it. So for me, I
Speaker 3: feel like this can go on as long as we
Speaker 3: want it to go on, but as long as we
Speaker 3: want it to and I'll say this publicly, if there
Speaker 3: comes a point where you don't want to do dead
Speaker 3: Ass Podcast, that's a conversation that we can have.
Speaker 1: I just like being able to talk and this is
Speaker 1: therapy for me.
Speaker 3: So even if it's you know, if we shut down
Speaker 3: dead Ass podcasts and I just have a dead Ass
Speaker 3: with Devo, that's something that I feel like I would
Speaker 3: want to do and that's not something we have to
Speaker 3: talk about now.
Speaker 2: But you know what I'm saying, No, I'm just saying it.
Speaker 2: I've toyed with the idea and in the spirit of
Speaker 2: us being transparent about where we see us going in
Speaker 2: terms of content, you wanting to be recognized as a thespian,
Speaker 2: as an actor. You know. It just has me thinking, like, Okay,
Speaker 2: at what point does certain things close out and then
Speaker 2: we open up a new thing or you know, what,
Speaker 2: what is that going to look like for us? And
Speaker 2: that's a part of like a new Year's thing that
Speaker 2: we talk about. At the beginning of this year, you
Speaker 2: hired someone new as an agent, like you got rid
Speaker 2: of people who didn't serve you in that space anymore,
Speaker 2: Like that was a new rebirth for you of Okay,
Speaker 2: what's going to be the next thing that can happen
Speaker 2: to take me to the next step, to the next level.
Speaker 2: And sometimes that's necessary in order to elevate. You have
Speaker 2: to reassess where you are and realize have I outgrown
Speaker 2: this space? And can I be of service to others
Speaker 2: in a different space or entity. And that's all I've
Speaker 2: been toying with. So don't get nervous, y'all. I'm saying
Speaker 2: be over tomorrow. I'm just saying it's something I've been
Speaker 2: thinking about. I've had enough.
Speaker 1: Just put this in the air that I may not
Speaker 1: be here next week, you know, Just let y'all know.
Speaker 1: Put my two weeks in.
Speaker 2: Now, But how also on top of the year, we're
Speaker 2: thinking of the children and what we can do differently
Speaker 2: as parents, and you've touched on that and us just
Speaker 2: wanting to be present and wanted to make sure the
Speaker 2: children are getting our undivided attention. You know how I
Speaker 2: feel about that. That's paramount for me. I'll drop everything
Speaker 2: all day, every day for my boys. So that goes
Speaker 2: without saying. How do we approach making big changes in
Speaker 2: our life? How did you fear in reaching the goals
Speaker 2: you set last year? And are you carrying any of
Speaker 2: those goals into the new year? Those are some good questions, trips.
Speaker 3: I you see, these these are questions that I feel
Speaker 3: people should be asking continuously, yes, not just on the
Speaker 3: first day of the year, because these are these are
Speaker 3: ways you just become better as a person period, you know,
Speaker 3: like if you think about where we were last year
Speaker 3: this time, and this is this is how I typically
Speaker 3: just to answer these questions.
Speaker 1: How I start my life. This is just my way,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying so everybody's real.
Speaker 3: I start out with financially because I can't do anything
Speaker 3: in this world without resource to be able to do them.
Speaker 3: So the first thing I do every the top of
Speaker 3: every years and where was I this time last year financially?
Speaker 3: Did I save money, did I lose money? Did I
Speaker 3: make investments that reached me benefits, or did I make
Speaker 3: investments that I lost on? Like, I really dissect my
Speaker 3: finances and say in the course of twelve months, because
Speaker 3: sometimes you can't look at a snapshot and stuff changed
Speaker 3: from month tomorrow, So you can look at a twelve
Speaker 3: month calendar and say, Okay, I've gained access to resource,
Speaker 3: so I've lost resources. So I used that time to
Speaker 3: figure that out first.
Speaker 2: That's in the first week of the year. We met
Speaker 2: with our CPA, our financial advisor.
Speaker 3: Yes, and there's a difference, there's different accounting, our tax
Speaker 3: but he's our CFP certified Financial punn of shout to Sean.
Speaker 2: Sean from he's been on the podcast before, but he
Speaker 2: was like one of the first people that we touched base.
Speaker 2: But though we speak to him pretty much like weekly,
Speaker 2: at this point, he's somebody who we speak to at
Speaker 2: the top of the year just because, like you said,
Speaker 2: you want that screenshot of or that snapshot of what
Speaker 2: the year looked like last year and then a detail
Speaker 2: assessment of you know, profits and losses and money.
Speaker 3: Because he tells us, like the first thing he said
Speaker 3: was this is where you were last year, and this
Speaker 3: is where we are. So this is what you've gained,
Speaker 3: this is what you lost.
Speaker 2: This is what you can do.
Speaker 3: This is what you Yes, this is what you can do,
Speaker 3: because you shouldn't do. I hired a bookkeeper last year.
Speaker 3: A bookkeeper is different than your certified personal accountant. An
Speaker 3: accountant goes through all of your profits and losses and
Speaker 3: they do all your tax things and make sure that
Speaker 3: you're in compliance with the government. The bookkeeper takes a
Speaker 3: look at every transaction on every account and tells you
Speaker 3: was as profitable or if it wasn't.
Speaker 2: And one thing I'm gonna do is transact. Okay, one
Speaker 2: thing I'm gonna do is transact.
Speaker 3: One thing his he is a funny thing. Then and
Speaker 3: I share. We share an American Express card. We share too,
Speaker 3: we share a personal American Express card, and we share
Speaker 3: the business American Express card.
Speaker 1: She doesn't know this, but the bookkeeper told me.
Speaker 3: She said, are you aware that the eighty two percent
Speaker 3: of the spending on both cards is kadeen?
Speaker 1: That's what percent?
Speaker 3: She said, Yeah, about eighty two percent of the spending
Speaker 3: on and I said eighty two percent as far as
Speaker 3: she said, well, not total amounts spent, but total amount
Speaker 3: of transactions. So of one hundred transactions, eighty two are
Speaker 3: going to be yours for sure. I said, so how
Speaker 3: much of those transactions?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 3: How much of the spending? She said, oh, well, it's
Speaker 3: about sixty percent. So I said, so it's not large things.
Speaker 3: But she said, no, it's not large, but it's a lot.
Speaker 2: I'm a transact.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you go, she said, there's there's a couple of
Speaker 3: days where she's had twenty plus transactions in one day.
Speaker 2: That's a fact because some days I shut down and
Speaker 2: I'm like bills to get paid. Don't get me in
Speaker 2: a rhythm. Okay, cause don't get me in a rhythm
Speaker 2: because you might have twenty on each depending on the day.
Speaker 2: There's business stuff, that's household stuff. Is this that that?
Speaker 2: It makes sense? It makes sense? Twenty eight percent? What
Speaker 2: was it?
Speaker 5: Eighty two percent? I'm eighteen percent.
Speaker 3: I'm eighteen percent transacting and try to that so, yeah,
Speaker 3: you know how to act transact.
Speaker 1: That's gonna be the new thing for K can not
Speaker 1: act transact.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna put that shit on the T shirt.
Speaker 3: Okay, But the bookkeeper pretty much gives you a full
Speaker 3: accounting of where your money's going, how often it's going out.
Speaker 3: I found out how much money we spent on fast food,
Speaker 3: how much money we spent on travel, how much.
Speaker 1: The business expense.
Speaker 3: And then once you get all that information, you say, dang,
Speaker 3: this amount of my investments reaped this amount of benefits.
Speaker 3: So once you have all of this information, you now
Speaker 3: can set up a plan for the for the year
Speaker 3: moving forward, which is what you and I did with Sean.
Speaker 2: And it's great to have several eyes on it. Right,
Speaker 2: Sometimes I'm going to miss something, miss something, so it's
Speaker 2: great to have a couple of different eyes to say, hey, y'all,
Speaker 2: now right, stop the transacting. It's to start saving, you
Speaker 2: know it.
Speaker 3: Also it also shows us where what it showed me
Speaker 3: where our priorities lie. Most of Kadeen's transactions came through
Speaker 3: the household, stuff for the boys, stuff for like she
Speaker 3: would go for example, we say twenty transactions. She wasn't
Speaker 3: out there buying twenty Gucci bags. It was she'd shop
Speaker 3: in Amazon. And you know Amazon, sometimes they do each
Speaker 3: individual transaction. Yeah, so a lot of your transaction home stuff,
Speaker 3: stuff for the kids. A lot of my transactions were
Speaker 3: larger transactions, but it was mainly for business stuff. So
Speaker 3: when I looked at the bookkeeper, she was just like,
Speaker 3: you know, you spent a lot of time focused on
Speaker 3: your businesses, Kate spent a lot of time focusing on
Speaker 3: the home.
Speaker 1: But that lets us know where we are and how
Speaker 1: it works for us.
Speaker 2: That's our strengths, our strength, yes, for sure, because then
Speaker 2: ask me not about the business. I mean, you do
Speaker 2: do a good job of looping me in so I'm
Speaker 2: aware of what's happening and the same, yeah, got to know.
Speaker 2: And I'll always before I go to swipe the car
Speaker 2: to do anything, I'm usually like, okay, babe, bike, business, personal,
Speaker 2: you know, can we do this right now? Can we not?
Speaker 2: The strike last year was how many months we were
Speaker 2: in the strike?
Speaker 3: Man six months? That was another thing last year. Look
Speaker 3: at the year prior. You look at what happened during
Speaker 3: that year and say, how did we fare in that
Speaker 3: year when this happened. And I think over the course
Speaker 3: of last year, Kadeena and I learned a lot about ourselves.
Speaker 1: Because I was not working for six months.
Speaker 3: I was the first time since the quarantine, and even
Speaker 3: during the quarantine, TPS was still filming. I filmed two
Speaker 3: seasons of television during the quarantine, so I never felt
Speaker 3: what it was like to be out of work for
Speaker 3: that time. But then we're not filming since June and
Speaker 3: then rolling around into December and not getting a paycheck.
Speaker 3: Kadeena and I really bogged down on our expenses and
Speaker 3: we realized how we can live like this even if
Speaker 3: we don't get paid. And I want to say this, yes,
Speaker 3: when you have a partner, whether it's your wife, fiance,
Speaker 3: child's mother, child's father, doesn't matter what it is, coming
Speaker 3: together at any point and saying this is our wealth
Speaker 3: strategy moving forward is how you can better assess what
Speaker 3: your year is going to be. Because Kadeen and I
Speaker 3: sat down with Sean, and Sean asked us Devalu and
Speaker 3: Kadeen what are your career goals for the year. What
Speaker 3: are your financial goals for the year. But then most
Speaker 3: importantly he said what are your investment goals? Because they're
Speaker 3: not all the same. And the thing is you can't
Speaker 3: do all three if you don't have a good foundation
Speaker 3: with your partner to say, okay, if my career goals
Speaker 3: are For example, if cases my career goals are to
Speaker 3: get established with creating my own haircare brand, that's going
Speaker 3: to cost us money. If my career goals is to
Speaker 3: get some more property or start building a gym, that's
Speaker 3: going to cost us money. So it's like, how do
Speaker 3: we decide where the money that we've pulled together is
Speaker 3: going to go unless we sit down together and say, listen,
Speaker 3: is our plan for the future.
Speaker 2: And what I really appreciate about you and Sewan because again,
Speaker 2: Sewan's been he's your godbrother, so he's been in your
Speaker 2: life for a long time. But I've never made to
Speaker 2: feel like any goal of mine or any you know, business,
Speaker 2: you know, idea is less than what you want to do.
Speaker 2: Like it's literally like, okay, we're gonna come to this
Speaker 2: table and brainstorm. Does it make sense? So I never
Speaker 2: take personally like devows endeavors are more important than mine
Speaker 2: or vice versa. I think that's the beauty and a
Speaker 2: partnership like this is that yo, if it's gonna be
Speaker 2: mutually beneficial to the family, and it's the right time
Speaker 2: because certain things is just not the right time for it,
Speaker 2: you know, it's it's always making sure that we're touching
Speaker 2: based on those things, and it's a continual touch base
Speaker 2: for sure. All Right, y'all, I think this was a
Speaker 2: pretty good way to start the new year with y'all
Speaker 2: a new season. Welcome to season three of Dead Ass,
Speaker 2: I mean thirteen man, Welcome to season thirteen. Season three
Speaker 2: is the team and you say, got my seasons all
Speaker 2: mixed up? Season three is a team that it will
Speaker 2: be out soon too. But welcome to season thirteen of
Speaker 2: Dead Ass Podcast with Candadian de Val. Y'all. All right,
Speaker 2: let's go pay some bills as we talked about money
Speaker 2: and finance at the top of the year, and we'll
Speaker 2: be back for the listener letters and moment of truth.
Speaker 2: I'm excited to see what y'all got for the top
Speaker 2: of the year. All right, we're.
Speaker 3: Back listener letters, first listener letters of the year.
Speaker 1: Let's see.
Speaker 2: Let's see if y'all made it good for us for
Speaker 2: the new season and the new year. You want to
Speaker 2: read first, baby, or do you want me to go?
Speaker 2: I'll go first. I want to say how much I
Speaker 2: appreciate the podcast and you guys sharing your lives with us.
Speaker 2: See I get that. As I'm telling you maybe I
Speaker 2: want to end this sometime soon. That's what happens though, right,
Speaker 2: You put something out there and then God tells you
Speaker 2: what you should do exactly answered answered prayers. Right all right.
Speaker 2: I am based in Canada, but originally an islander from
Speaker 2: Haiti bonure funny, all right. I've been married for about
Speaker 2: nine years now, and let's just say marriage is ghetto
Speaker 2: what but it is still worth it. I love that
Speaker 2: your story inspired me to move my family closer to
Speaker 2: our relatives in the Greater Montreal area. Despite the hard times,
Speaker 2: I can definitely say it was the best decision for us.
Speaker 2: So thank you. I want to ask about your thought
Speaker 2: process on expanding your family. I have one child. Our
Speaker 2: first experience with pregnancy was difficult. Got into hospitalize bed
Speaker 2: rest at twenty five weeks and then the baby decides
Speaker 2: to come into the world two weeks later through an
Speaker 2: emergency C section. From the day is spent on his
Speaker 2: bedside at the NIKU to coming home with him on
Speaker 2: an oxygen machine, the whole journey was traumatizing for me.
Speaker 2: I understand before twenty twenty three it was a hard
Speaker 2: no one having another child, but my husband and I
Speaker 2: always wanted two children. My ovaries are doing a number
Speaker 2: on me. Now I've now graduated to maybe. I'm currently
Speaker 2: working with my therapists on the birth trauma because I
Speaker 2: want to make sure either way that I'm not making
Speaker 2: a choice by fear, which is super smart. I know
Speaker 2: that I will be high risk or I will be
Speaker 2: a high risk pregnancy with a higher chance of having
Speaker 2: a second PREMI and probably be on bed rest. So
Speaker 2: what made you guys want to have more children after
Speaker 2: the first experience with your first boy? And please? When
Speaker 2: are y'all coming to Montreal? See you now? I'm telling
Speaker 2: you I want to end a tour. Y'all come here
Speaker 2: to come to Montreal. We haven't even been worldwide yet.
Speaker 2: We might not to reconsider this. I'm trying to put
Speaker 2: you guys on my date night list. Alrighty, it's thank
Speaker 2: you for writing in. I already understand the anxiety that
Speaker 2: comes with no matter how many times you've been pregnant,
Speaker 2: no matter how many children you have every single pregnancy
Speaker 2: as a woman, you feel this overwhelming sense of responsibility
Speaker 2: to bring this precious life full term. And I have
Speaker 2: family members, I have a cousin, I have friends who
Speaker 2: have all had experiences where they've had early labor pre
Speaker 2: term labor babies in the NICICU, I mean micro mini babies.
Speaker 2: My cousin had a thirteen ounce daughter who is now
Speaker 2: a vivationous to year rold who is thriving and doing
Speaker 2: so well second pregnancy. So I know that there's a
Speaker 2: lot of different depending on the persons situation. There's a
Speaker 2: lot of different interventions that can happen early in the
Speaker 2: pregnancy that will help you to get to full term. So,
Speaker 2: for example, my cousin who knew she was prone to
Speaker 2: pre term labor, had a surclage put in and that
Speaker 2: really helped her to us whole the baby. And it's
Speaker 2: pretty much where they stitch your servix closed in the
Speaker 2: very beginning of the pregnancy, and that is able to
Speaker 2: kind of give you a barrier depending on how short
Speaker 2: or how weak your service is. Yeah, so now she's
Speaker 2: made it to about thirty four weeks, she's a sedulity
Speaker 2: section and she's right there and this is the first
Speaker 2: time that she's full term. You can do maternity pictures
Speaker 2: and all of that. So not sure what your situation
Speaker 2: is this when it comes to pregnancy, but that may
Speaker 2: be something you can explore with your doctor different ways
Speaker 2: to see how you can maybe have early intervention done
Speaker 2: to be able to bring a child full term. But
Speaker 2: speaking to the first pregnancy that we had, in the
Speaker 2: first birth, which was Jackson.
Speaker 1: I pray God.
Speaker 3: We said, if you make if my scene comes through
Speaker 3: this okay and my wife is okay because we almost
Speaker 3: lost care. I said, I'm never having another child, and
Speaker 3: I will treat these two better than you ever seen
Speaker 3: a man treat kids and a mother. Like That's how
Speaker 3: I felt, because I was like, please, just don't take
Speaker 3: one of my favorite people away from me, so I
Speaker 3: know how she feels. One thing I will say very simple, anxiety.
Speaker 1: Comes from fear. Fear comes from the unknown.
Speaker 3: So the more you educate yourself and what you need
Speaker 3: to be better, the better you'll feel about it.
Speaker 1: Period.
Speaker 3: You can talk about the trauma all day to a therapist,
Speaker 3: but the only thing that's going to really heal you
Speaker 3: from that fear of not knowing is knowing. So let's
Speaker 3: get as much information. When it came down to having Cairo,
Speaker 3: I read so many different books, I watched so many documentaries,
Speaker 3: I watched clips on you. I did everything almost to
Speaker 3: the point where now people were calling me a doula dad,
Speaker 3: because when it came down to the birthing process, I
Speaker 3: knew everything. I so for me, I had the same
Speaker 3: anxiety she had. But I just kept educating myself and
Speaker 3: I said the more I know, the better. And when
Speaker 3: I saw things happening, I said, well, based on what
Speaker 3: they told me, this is normal, and it helped us.
Speaker 2: There were no surprise. I mean, naturally with birth there
Speaker 2: can be, but it's always a surprise.
Speaker 1: Baby here like that the surprise all ship is coming
Speaker 1: right now.
Speaker 3: We did not know he was coming today, Like there's
Speaker 3: always a surprise, but just knowing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm gonna let yell in a little quick embarrassing
Speaker 2: surprise that I had with Dakota's birth. So y'all, you know,
Speaker 2: like it's possible when from like the pushing, like imagine
Speaker 2: like pushing and like what you normally will push out
Speaker 2: of everybody. I had a floating poop, Guys, I had
Speaker 2: a floating poop.
Speaker 1: It was a cue.
Speaker 2: It was a little.
Speaker 1: Baby poop.
Speaker 2: It was I was so embarrassed in that moment, like
Speaker 2: here I am like holding this beautiful baby in a
Speaker 2: moment and I'm like, is that poop floating through the
Speaker 2: rose petals. Oh my god. And it was literally like
Speaker 2: I saw it and my midwife saw it at the
Speaker 2: same time, and she had the little like fishing it
Speaker 2: that she could scoop a fish out of a fish.
Speaker 2: Take with that. She just scooped the poop and it
Speaker 2: was gone. And I could not stop being mortified in
Speaker 2: that moment.
Speaker 1: And then you pushed the whole person. I didn't look.
Speaker 2: Down at the cold and be like, I just pushed
Speaker 2: your six pound self out of me. So, yeah, I
Speaker 2: guess I should real talk.
Speaker 3: Nobody judges women like women like y'all judge yourselfl y'all
Speaker 3: judge yourself.
Speaker 1: More than a nobody else. People in there crying like baby,
Speaker 1: somebody get the ship literally.
Speaker 2: I mean, it's ruining my photos. I'm like, can we
Speaker 2: photo shot the ship out?
Speaker 3: Like you know, I've seen it. I didn't even care.
Speaker 3: I was just happy you was healthy. I was happy
Speaker 3: the baby was here, was crying. That's all I cared about.
Speaker 3: That stuff was minor.
Speaker 1: I really didn't care.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes, all right, says good luck to you
Speaker 2: as you talk about with your spouse, baby number two,
Speaker 2: the good things that you have all the family there. Yes,
Speaker 2: so you know you'll have the reinforcements that you need
Speaker 2: to get you to a full term liber I'm going
Speaker 2: to put full term baby in labor. I'm going to
Speaker 2: put that out.
Speaker 3: For you at yourself on what you gotta do to
Speaker 3: get that baby to full term and do that that
Speaker 3: will help ease some of the anxiety.
Speaker 1: You guys got it for sure. We pray for y'all.
Speaker 1: Y'all got it?
Speaker 2: Number two?
Speaker 1: Hello Devala Kadeen.
Speaker 3: Been a fan for a while now, Like I still
Speaker 3: have my dope dad to yoh, that's what's up?
Speaker 1: That long?
Speaker 3: About forty of those sean on a dad gang. Now,
Speaker 3: while I'm seeking advice from a married couple, I do
Speaker 3: have my own mindset on how I'm going about the situation.
Speaker 3: I'm dating my girlfriend of three years now. This was
Speaker 3: our first year living together and it was rocky, but
Speaker 3: as things improved, I decided we could take this to
Speaker 3: the next step. Now. I had foolishly proposed two times prior,
Speaker 3: both times without a ring. The second time I proposed,
Speaker 3: she said no, but I do. Sorry, it's funny. She
Speaker 3: was like, hell, no, nigg you ain't got a ring,
Speaker 3: but do better, and yes I will. That's what she said,
Speaker 3: Now fast forward. My girlfriend did tell me not to
Speaker 3: propose this year, but I thought we were on the
Speaker 3: right track. I put forth a better effort for the proposal,
Speaker 3: which would have me proposing in I don't even know
Speaker 3: what this word is vs.
Speaker 1: Three gold by the luminescent Bay. I think that's what
Speaker 1: it is.
Speaker 3: I thing, Okay, Well, we didn't get on we didn't
Speaker 3: get to go on the trip. So I figured i'd
Speaker 3: make a Plan B, that is nigga WHILEY was led
Speaker 3: all the way up to Plan D.
Speaker 2: Listen when you get plan okay, sorry, took it away
Speaker 2: for the new year.
Speaker 3: If Plan D ain't playing A, then it's a problem
Speaker 3: because in all my plans eight is a D, and
Speaker 3: that's what I'll be trying to give to K. All right,
Speaker 3: So Plan A means that D gonna get the d
Speaker 3: D K all right? Who alphabet suit make you happy?
Speaker 1: All right? All right?
Speaker 5: So when I finally found a chance, we're playing found
Speaker 5: a chance, she s said, no, didn't even look.
Speaker 1: At the ring. Man, I can't lie me putting my
Speaker 1: heart on my sleeve.
Speaker 3: That' shit hurt and put me in a not so
Speaker 3: good place, and my emotions got the best of me,
Speaker 3: and we ended up having our first argument ever. I
Speaker 3: tore pictures of us off the wall and said some
Speaker 3: pretty hurtful things. We went to counseling and sort of
Speaker 3: bounced back. I still apologize, as I know I caused
Speaker 3: my own grief and apologize for reacting emotionally. She still
Speaker 3: feels hurt about it. What the fuck she feel hurt
Speaker 3: about now? I got a lot to say about this.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, and I'm not looking for her to hurry
Speaker 3: and get over. Get over what the man's been wanting
Speaker 3: to get married to you, but since he didn't have
Speaker 3: a ring, you said no. But now he tried to
Speaker 3: do something else, came with a ring, and you still
Speaker 3: said no.
Speaker 2: Finish the story.
Speaker 3: Niggas be trying to do a lot, and we finished
Speaker 3: the story. I called my own grief and apologize. And
Speaker 3: the fact is he's feeling shameful. He had to apologize
Speaker 3: for her that she said no to his apology. This
Speaker 3: is some mind fuck here. She still feels hurt about it,
Speaker 3: and I'm not looking for her to hurry and get over,
Speaker 3: and I'm willing to make the situation less painful as
Speaker 3: long as she needs. Because I did mess up here.
Speaker 3: But my question is how will I know when or
Speaker 3: if I can propose?
Speaker 1: This is? This? Is this sound crazy?
Speaker 2: This is gonna be a fourth time proposed?
Speaker 1: Don't sound crazy to nobody else? Should I forget about engagement? Yeah, nigga,
Speaker 1: forget about it. Go ahead, propose to somebody else.
Speaker 3: She says, so far from that step, So it's like
Speaker 3: forbidding to even speak about it.
Speaker 1: She don't want to get married, bro, she don't want
Speaker 1: to get No, I'm not confused. I know what it is.
Speaker 3: I know exactly what. She does not want to get married.
Speaker 3: She doesn't want to get married. Let me tell you why.
Speaker 3: We had this whole argument at one of the live podcasts. Right,
Speaker 3: all of these women were saying, in order for her
Speaker 3: to say yes to the guy, he needs to come
Speaker 3: with a certain ring on a certain day, got to
Speaker 3: be to remember all this stuff. And then I started
Speaker 3: asking him of what do y'all come to the table with?
Speaker 3: And they were like, oh, I want to know what
Speaker 3: she came to the table with. At least this time
Speaker 3: he came with a ring.
Speaker 2: It seems like she came with a lot of demands.
Speaker 1: You he's never gonna make her happy, bro.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't understand. It's just like she said do better,
Speaker 2: and yes, said, well do better at what the proposal?
Speaker 2: Or do better at life? You know what I'm saying, like,
Speaker 2: what are we doing better at? It's either you know
Speaker 2: what you don't sist. I mean, I feel like at
Speaker 2: this point once it's like a third and fourth proposal.
Speaker 2: How I wonder how long they've been together. I'll say this,
Speaker 2: stayd my girlfriend for three years now. I'll say yes,
Speaker 2: he said he got a Dad Gang T shirt.
Speaker 3: So he's a father. I don't know if that's the
Speaker 3: child's mother or not. He hasn't specified, but I will
Speaker 3: say this though, right. I have been with Kadeen since
Speaker 3: we were eighteen. Kadeen used to leave pictures of the
Speaker 3: ring type she wanted on the refrigerator. She put it
Speaker 3: on my laptop, she put it everywhere.
Speaker 2: Manifestation.
Speaker 3: If I would have proposed to Kadeen without a ring
Speaker 3: and said will you marry me, Kadeen would have said yes,
Speaker 3: Am I lie?
Speaker 2: I would have said yes, that's my point. I would
Speaker 2: have I didn't care.
Speaker 3: There wasn't no it has to be this way. The
Speaker 3: pressure that I put on myself was on you.
Speaker 2: You said that before too.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes.
Speaker 3: Now, this is why I say when women was like, yeah,
Speaker 3: you put that pressure on yourself, That's why I say
Speaker 3: that's a lie, because look, he didn't have that pressure
Speaker 3: on himself.
Speaker 1: He said, I love this woman. I'm asking to Mary man,
Speaker 1: I don't have a ring, and that bit. She said no.
Speaker 3: Twice, and then he got the ring and she said
Speaker 3: no again, like what niggas supposed to do.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, bro, I don't think she wanted to get married.
Speaker 1: I don't.
Speaker 2: I wonder why they didn't go on the trip too.
Speaker 2: He said, well, we didn't get to go on the trip,
Speaker 2: so I figured I may plan was ready to plan
Speaker 2: d I wonder how he ended up proposing it either way,
Speaker 2: It's like, come on, man, yo, I would love to
Speaker 2: hear her.
Speaker 3: I want to know from the viewers. I want to
Speaker 3: know from the listeners. Man, what y'all expect.
Speaker 1: A man to do? Man, because y'all been telling us
Speaker 1: all this time. I don't care about the ring. I
Speaker 1: just want you.
Speaker 3: We don't watch movies where the guy and got the
Speaker 3: perfect ring and they didn't threw the ring and said,
Speaker 3: that's not about this.
Speaker 1: I want you.
Speaker 3: He came with himself and she said nah. She said, nah,
Speaker 3: I'm good on that, but you need to work harder.
Speaker 3: I got you next time. Come on, come on now,
Speaker 3: y'all know how I just want one of the women listening.
Speaker 3: You know how hard that is from man. He proposed
Speaker 3: three times, and even after proposing got shut down, he apologized.
Speaker 3: And now and now he feels bad, like I feel sorry.
Speaker 3: I know I messed up anybody.
Speaker 2: Hopefully she'll get the mindset on the situation I want.
Speaker 2: Is this your mindset? Broh?
Speaker 3: And now he's talking about some Hopefully you know she
Speaker 3: she will get over it.
Speaker 1: Get over what turning you down three times?
Speaker 2: I think what she's changed. They probably was the hurtful
Speaker 2: things that he might have said. Maybe that particular arts.
Speaker 1: She deserved them. Stop yelling over that trouble. You scream,
Speaker 1: you laughing, but it's not funny. May be going through
Speaker 1: a man, be going through a lot, Okay.
Speaker 2: Going Everyone has to say of the year or two,
Speaker 2: got rowled up, got me riled up, rolled up.
Speaker 3: And I ain't mean to call your girl a bitch.
Speaker 3: I don't mean to call it bitch. She's not a bitch.
Speaker 3: A bitch with that move was bitchy. That move was
Speaker 3: real bitchy.
Speaker 1: I ain't you know what I'm saying. I ain't ever
Speaker 1: gonna call a woman a bitch, but that move was bitch.
Speaker 1: You you know what I'm saying. That's messed up, man, bro.
Speaker 2: Let us know how it goes. Let us know where things.
Speaker 2: I guess one things cool off and if she gets
Speaker 2: over it, give us a follow up, please, because I'm
Speaker 2: curious and I wish.
Speaker 1: I wish I had another a girl over here. I
Speaker 1: could just be like, here, propose us. She's gonna say yes,
Speaker 1: like I just wish. Like right now, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, anybody, his confidence.
Speaker 3: Is probably at the load, Like his confidence is in
Speaker 3: a basement right now. He's still trying to do whatever
Speaker 3: he can do to make this woman happy.
Speaker 4: Man.
Speaker 1: I feel I feel bad for him, bro, like I do.
Speaker 2: Man, Sorry, brother, let us know how it goes. Let
Speaker 2: us know, give us a touch base because we were
Speaker 2: very was very invested at this point.
Speaker 1: I am, I want to know what's happening, man, very invested.
Speaker 1: Now if it turns out that he'll scum back, and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna.
Speaker 2: Be like, hey, man, right exactly, we don't have the
Speaker 2: full story. You wrote this listening letters. You ain't tell
Speaker 2: us you did that, like right, right right. That's usually
Speaker 2: how it kind of slow leaks after. It's like a
Speaker 2: bad fart, you know what I mean. It's like slow
Speaker 2: leaking slow.
Speaker 1: Now you call my man a fart. He just got
Speaker 1: he got denied on the proposal. Three times. You call
Speaker 1: my man a fart. Man, Go to the moment. Go
Speaker 1: to the moment.
Speaker 2: Well, don't be bitch y'all, and make sure you write
Speaker 2: in if you want to be featured as a listener letter,
Speaker 2: because we love to hear from you. We're in season
Speaker 2: thirteen underway and we can't get enough of y'all. So
Speaker 2: email us at dead ass Advice at gmail.
Speaker 3: That's d E A d A S S A d
Speaker 3: V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All right, time for the moment of truth. We're talking
Speaker 2: new year, new me or not to resolute or to
Speaker 2: not to resolute.
Speaker 1: Or I got an easy one, go for it.
Speaker 3: Live in a moment. Treat every day like it's January first. Yes,
Speaker 3: entreat every moment like it's December thirty first, at eleven
Speaker 3: fifty eight, and enjoy those two minutes and say what
Speaker 3: can I do with this new start? And don't let
Speaker 3: it just be that day that's my just every moment.
Speaker 3: I want you to take every day of twenty twenty
Speaker 3: four and say, this is a day I'm going to
Speaker 3: create and enjoy and love and embrace.
Speaker 2: I love that. I think my moment of truth to
Speaker 2: piggyback off of you, I think it's kind of hit
Speaker 2: the nail on the head. But also to just just
Speaker 2: be honest with yourself. Be honest with yourself as you
Speaker 2: approach a new year, a new week, a new month,
Speaker 2: whatever it is. Be honest with yourself about what you
Speaker 2: want to do and don't want to do. Let's not
Speaker 2: fool ourselves into thinking like, oh, yeah, I can be
Speaker 2: this and I want to be that. If you really
Speaker 2: don't want to do it, you have to put the
Speaker 2: work in. And that's what I have finally done for myself.
Speaker 2: I've just been honest about where my priorities lie and
Speaker 2: the things that I really want to invest my time
Speaker 2: and energy on, and everything else is just a hard no.
Speaker 2: So I think being honest with myself has helped me
Speaker 2: think about how I want to approach the new year
Speaker 2: and each new week and each new month, because it's
Speaker 2: something that I feel like small goals and small bits
Speaker 2: of consistency will help me get to where I got
Speaker 2: to get to.
Speaker 3: So what Kay is saying is, if somebody proposed to
Speaker 3: you in twenty twenty four and you don't want to
Speaker 3: get married, say no, gotcha, you're on her side. Be
Speaker 3: sure to find us on Patreon. But no, I hear
Speaker 3: you though, because we did talk about that too. Being
Speaker 3: able to live in your truth and walk in your
Speaker 3: truth regardless of what everyone else feels, be comfortable saying nah,
Speaker 3: I just don't want to do that.
Speaker 2: Bro. That's me all day, every day, New Year, New decade,
Speaker 2: all that for real? All right? Be sure to find
Speaker 2: us on Patreon, y'all. Thank you to those who are
Speaker 2: subscribed and you're listening and you're watching, you're seeing all
Speaker 2: the good stuff. Who's watching my birthday recap? It was
Speaker 2: a vibe. It was a vibe, y'all. You can also
Speaker 2: see exclusive dead Ass podcast video content and be sure
Speaker 2: to find us on social media. If you're not following
Speaker 2: us yet, dead Ass the Podcast and I'm Kadeen I am.
Speaker 3: And I am Devout And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 3: be sure to rate, review, subscribe, Make sure you get
Speaker 3: your copy of We Over Me, The counterintuitive approach to
Speaker 3: getting everything you want out of your relationship, and get
Speaker 3: them tickets to the Love Against the World Tour.
Speaker 2: Guys, y'all are in for a treat. I'm telling you.
Speaker 2: I'm telling you, I'm telling you, And with this being
Speaker 2: the last tour that we're doing for the foreseeable future,
Speaker 2: I think you want to get on it. Get on it.
Speaker 2: You don't want to say that you missed it. So
Speaker 2: whatever city you're in, whatever you're near, make sure you
Speaker 2: get there. Dallas, New York, Charlotte, DC, Philly, Atlanta. All Right,
Speaker 2: we'll see y'all there.
Speaker 3: Dead Ass Dead Ass is a production of iHeart Media
Speaker 3: podcast network and is produced by Donor Pinya and Tribble.
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